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Speaker 1: I Amiamlah. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent

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Speaker 1: time in a relationship with a married man. I had

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Speaker 1: to learn the skills and tools required to make my

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Speaker 1: relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the Our Spot,

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Speaker 1: a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. One

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Speaker 1: of the things that we want to be mindful of

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Speaker 1: when we are creating relationships, going into relationships, not just

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Speaker 1: romantic relationships, but really friendships, social alliances, is why and

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Speaker 1: how we bond or connect with certain people, because all

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Speaker 1: of us have a bonding pattern, a pattern that we

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Speaker 1: engage when we create relationships, and that bonding pattern, more

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Speaker 1: often than not, is going to be based on what

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Speaker 1: we saw, experienced, were called to do in our family

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Speaker 1: of origin. Really a very complicated concept, but it's really

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Speaker 1: very active in our lives. And one of the things

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Speaker 1: that really underlines most bonding patterns is the belief that

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Speaker 1: we cannot have what we want or we cannot have

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Speaker 1: what we want without hard work, and so we'll do

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Speaker 1: the hard work and it doesn't work, and then we

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Speaker 1: wonder why we can't get what we want. It's because

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Speaker 1: the bonding pattern is to attract people that cannot give

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Speaker 1: you what you want. Interesting. So my guest today is

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Speaker 1: smack dab in the middle of her bonding batter. But

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Speaker 1: the good news is it's early enough for her to

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Speaker 1: fix it, change it, or make another choice. Let's hear

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Speaker 1: what she has to say. Welcome to the arts, About

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Speaker 1: beloved and what is the relationship challenge, issue dilemma that

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Speaker 1: you're bringing to the table today. First of all, I

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Speaker 1: want to say thank you for accepting my call. I

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Speaker 1: am recently dating somebody and I was waiting for him

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Speaker 1: to come home from work. I got a phone call

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Speaker 1: to pick him up from the police. He got arrested

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Speaker 1: for a DUI and he's probably gonna lose his job,

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Speaker 1: and he definitely needs to go to rehab. But he is,

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Speaker 1: I guess, going in a different spiral, and I want

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Speaker 1: to be there to support him. But I don't want

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Speaker 1: to allow myself to be sucked into all of it,

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Speaker 1: or I don't know that I necessarily believe that he's

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Speaker 1: ready to stop drinking. How long have you been dating?

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Speaker 1: Only two and a half months? Oh so y'all are

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Speaker 1: just barely friends? Yeah, you've only known him two and

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Speaker 1: a half months, Or y'll have been dating for two

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Speaker 1: and a half months, same exactly the same timeline. Oh

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Speaker 1: but I don't know. You don't know what. I don't

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Speaker 1: want to turn my back on him. I don't want

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Speaker 1: to turn my back on him if he's going through this.

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Speaker 1: I think he's a really good person. But I know

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Speaker 1: logically people need to want to work on themselves and

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Speaker 1: not be forced to participate in programs. Let me just

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Speaker 1: say this to you. If you were married and you

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Speaker 1: had a house, a dog, three fishing, a kid, I

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Speaker 1: could see, So what is your investment here? I just

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Speaker 1: think he's a good person, and so are you. No,

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Speaker 1: I know, I know, you know what. Nothing. It's more

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Speaker 1: about potential or what could be. So it's not even real.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. Yeah, but he's a good person that's

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Speaker 1: worth it. But I don't know that I want to

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Speaker 1: put up on it. It's very new. Like you said,

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Speaker 1: it's not Yeah, there's no real investment. You don't have

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Speaker 1: to turn your back on him. You could just not

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Speaker 1: choose yourself and choose not to invest time in a

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Speaker 1: relationship that could take years to evolve into something more.

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Speaker 1: If you want to know the end, look at the beginning.

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Speaker 1: So you are at the beginning of a relationship with

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Speaker 1: a person who has a substance abuse problem, be some

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Speaker 1: emotional stability, and see it's requiring an investment that may

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Speaker 1: not be in your best interests. It's just a simple

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Speaker 1: you're not turning your back on him. Yeah, but is

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Speaker 1: it your responsibility two and a half months in, when

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Speaker 1: you don't have a house, a dog, three goldfish, and

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Speaker 1: a kid? Is it your responsibility to lift somebody up?

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Speaker 1: And then what's the payoff? What's the payoff? What is

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Speaker 1: your question? Let me just say, Okay, how do you

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Speaker 1: be supportive and not? Yeah? I guess just I don't

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Speaker 1: want to say f you goodbye while you're at your lowest,

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Speaker 1: so I guess healthily be there, but I don't really

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Speaker 1: need to be because it's only yeah, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I want you to stop saying I don't know, because

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Speaker 1: you absolutely do. I think he's worth it, but I

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Speaker 1: don't think he realizes that, and I don't know that.

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Speaker 1: I want to put in the time and effort for

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Speaker 1: him to realize that. This isn't my first rodeo with this.

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Speaker 1: What does that mean? I've had many male family members

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Speaker 1: with alcohol problems going to be used and eventually die

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Speaker 1: basically from it. Yeah. So maybe my question is why

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Speaker 1: am I picking you people? Or better question, that's a

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Speaker 1: good question, little mocking bird, that's our good question. So

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Speaker 1: let me ask you this, Why are you choosing men

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Speaker 1: that are addicted to substances, or men who can't be

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Speaker 1: there for you fully, or men who don't show up

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Speaker 1: in a way that you would desire, or men who

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Speaker 1: need more from you than they have to give. Why

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Speaker 1: would you choose men like that as I have more

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Speaker 1: work to doing it? Possibly I have more work to

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Speaker 1: do my father, all right, yeah, possibly? Or maybe you're

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Speaker 1: a rescuer, Oh that's for sure. Yeah, Okay, is that

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Speaker 1: working for you? Yeah? I mean that's what I do

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Speaker 1: for work. That's what do you do for work? I

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Speaker 1: work with people with developmental disabilities, make sure they're mescate

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Speaker 1: in order. But you get paid for that, yes, correct.

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Speaker 1: So your bonding pattern, or how you bond with people

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Speaker 1: in relationships is to caregive, but really basically to rescue,

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Speaker 1: which is a deeper pattern than just caregiving. As rescuers,

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Speaker 1: that means they've got to have something wrong, they have

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Speaker 1: to be in danger, they have to pose a potential

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Speaker 1: danger to you and then you can get busy changing

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Speaker 1: it or fixing it. Yeah. So the question that I

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Speaker 1: would ask you is really very simple, what do you want?

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Speaker 1: What do you want? I would like to be in

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Speaker 1: a healthy relationship. That's a giant elephant in the room,

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Speaker 1: and it's a giant problem. It's more than a red flag.

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Speaker 1: It's it's a lifelong sentence. I would saying, yeah, is

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Speaker 1: that what you want? No? I think my problem is

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Speaker 1: the potential. I always look at the potential that's not

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Speaker 1: the truth as a matter, the potential that you can

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Speaker 1: rescue them from hurt, harm or danger and draw your

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Speaker 1: value and meaning from that, which doesn't necessarily guarantee you're

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Speaker 1: going to get what you want. So I asked you

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Speaker 1: what do you want? You said, I want a healthy relationship.

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Speaker 1: Is this a healthy relationship? No? So why do you

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Speaker 1: want to be in it? Probably because I have? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I want to rescue or save or be there and

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Speaker 1: hope that they change. So is there a possibility that

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Speaker 1: you can detach from all romantic involvement and allow yourself

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Speaker 1: to be a friend or a supporter. Yes, okay, so

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Speaker 1: then there you are. Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't mean you

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Speaker 1: have to turn your back on him. But you have

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Speaker 1: to have clear boundaries, right. See. One of the things

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Speaker 1: about a rescuer, you know because I watch Law and

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Speaker 1: Order all the time, and when they're going to rescue

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Speaker 1: somebody that like jumped off the bridge or has been kidnapped,

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Speaker 1: they have to go down into where the person is

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Speaker 1: and pull them out. That's what rescuers do. They pull

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Speaker 1: them out of the water, they pull them out of

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Speaker 1: the cave, they pull them out of wherever they are.

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Speaker 1: But the rescuer has to go down in and pull

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Speaker 1: the person out. Now, if you want to be a

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Speaker 1: productive supporter, you don't go down to where they are.

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Speaker 1: You stay where you are and call them up. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So there's a possibility that you could say to this

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Speaker 1: beautiful soul that yours have so much interest in, in

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Speaker 1: order for us to be in a relationship, it's got

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Speaker 1: to be healthy. And that means you've got to get

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Speaker 1: your drinking under control and then watch what he does.

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Speaker 1: And until that happens, we can proceed with this relationship

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Speaker 1: on a romantic basis. We can't proceed and see what

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Speaker 1: he does. Okay, how in the blazing but Jesus, as

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Speaker 1: somebody you barely know, you don't even know what his

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Speaker 1: favorite color is yet, gonna call you to come pick

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Speaker 1: them up from the police station. Yeah. Yeah. When you

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Speaker 1: know that you are a rescuer and that you will

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Speaker 1: bond with people that have things they need to be

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Speaker 1: saved from. As soon as you see the person needs

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Speaker 1: to be saved, you get your hat because you in

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Speaker 1: your pattern and patterns are hard to break. Yeah, okay,

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Speaker 1: you want a healthy relationship, you have to let him know, right,

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Speaker 1: tell me what you heard me say, to put up boundaries,

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Speaker 1: let him know, yeah, this isn't a romantic thing, and

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Speaker 1: to help be productive on my side, and to call

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Speaker 1: him up to me, not to go down to him,

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Speaker 1: to him. Yeah, are you willing to let it go? Yes?

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Speaker 1: Because it's not I know it's not healthy for me. Yes,

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Speaker 1: logically yes, I'm sorry. Logically yeah yeah. So what's the

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Speaker 1: other part that's not willing? The part that does like

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Speaker 1: to help people and see the best to them and think, oh,

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Speaker 1: if only you can't You can't do that for people.

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Speaker 1: They have to do for themselves. But you do that

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Speaker 1: at work every day and get a check for it.

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Speaker 1: Why would you do it for free and have to

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Speaker 1: give up the huha in the process. You do that

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Speaker 1: for work, get your check and keep on moving. You

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Speaker 1: don't have to do that at home. Yeah, okay, it's

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Speaker 1: not that deep, darling. I could see even if it

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Speaker 1: were two and a half years. When did you find

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Speaker 1: out he had a drinking problem? Oh? Probably early on,

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Speaker 1: you know how hindsight clearer. Yeah. I knew there were

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Speaker 1: some issues, but I didn't know they were this bad.

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Speaker 1: I guess not to make excuses, but growing up with

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Speaker 1: it sometimes are normal? Is it normal? But it's a comfort? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's familiar. Yeah, and that's why it becomes your bonding pattern.

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Speaker 1: That's how you bond with people. But the universe is

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Speaker 1: giving you an opportunity to say, how am I going

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Speaker 1: to respond this time? Am I going to act like

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Speaker 1: I have to be in it? So you had to

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Speaker 1: be with your father, You don't have to be with

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Speaker 1: this man, that's true. Are you going to act like

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Speaker 1: it's your responsibility to fix it? I'm sure you wanted

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Speaker 1: your dad or your whoever it was in your home

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Speaker 1: to get better, but that's not here. Y'all don't live together,

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Speaker 1: do you? No? No, okay, I'm not that crazy. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I want to say, belove it. You deserve so much more.

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Speaker 1: But you have to believe that. Thank you, you can

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Speaker 1: be a supporter without being a rescuer. Okay, I want

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Speaker 1: to encourage you to get on your perch high up

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Speaker 1: in a tree and call him higher and if he

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Speaker 1: doesn't right up, oh well next cha. Yeah, because you're

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Speaker 1: talking about alcohol, that's a hard one to work through. Yes,

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Speaker 1: just be happy that you don't have kids, a dog

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Speaker 1: or three goldfish. There you go. Thank you so much

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Speaker 1: for your time. I appreciate it. Thank you so much.

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Speaker 1: Good luck to you. Thank you alrighty bye bye. As

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Speaker 1: a child, I was usually the healthiest person in the room,

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Speaker 1: so I had a tendency to bond with people who

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Speaker 1: were unhealthy. They were just unhealthy in all sorts of ways.

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Speaker 1: Because as a child I had to keep everything together.

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Speaker 1: My job that I've volunteered for. Nobody hired me or

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Speaker 1: assigned me to this position. My job was to keep

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Speaker 1: everybody happy, to make sure everybody was okay. So as

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Speaker 1: an adult, I bonded with people who weren't okay in

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Speaker 1: one way or another, and my job was to take

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Speaker 1: care of them, to carry them, not even to fix them,

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Speaker 1: but just to keep the situation manageable. Once I realized

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Speaker 1: my bonding pattern, I flipped all the way over to

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Speaker 1: the other side and attached myself to people that I

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Speaker 1: made up were healthier than me and left it up

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Speaker 1: to them to make everything Okay. Let me just say

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Speaker 1: neither one of those patterns worked. Most of us have

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Speaker 1: no idea that we have a bonding pattern and that

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Speaker 1: we hold it in our heart and in our soul

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Speaker 1: and we attract people that fulfill our need to bond

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Speaker 1: in a certain way. After the break, we'll come back

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Speaker 1: with my second caller, who has a similar issue, but

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Speaker 1: for a very different reason. Welcome back, I am yan Lane.

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Speaker 1: This is the our spot today. We're talking about a

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Speaker 1: little known fact, and that is that we all have

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Speaker 1: bonding patterns. The way we attract, the way we call

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Speaker 1: in things that we experience in our lives. In no

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Speaker 1: place to our bonding patterns show up more than in

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Speaker 1: our relationships. Now, listen, you may not know what your

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Speaker 1: bonding pattern is, you may not even recognize that you

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Speaker 1: have one. But here's what you do know. If you

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Speaker 1: are involved in a relationship that is not giving you

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Speaker 1: what you want and the prospects of getting it are

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Speaker 1: not present in that relationship, it might be time for

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Speaker 1: you to make another choice, because clearly you have bonded

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Speaker 1: to something or someone that does not have your best

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Speaker 1: interests at heart. And you don't have to run around

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Speaker 1: trying to name your pattern. You just have to ask

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Speaker 1: the very simple question, what do I want? And am

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Speaker 1: I getting it here? Just ask those two questions. My

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Speaker 1: next guest has a very interesting bonding pattern that we

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Speaker 1: have to really dig into so that we can get

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Speaker 1: to the heart of the matter. Just listen, greetings for

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Speaker 1: love and welcome to the our spot. Thank you for

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Speaker 1: your patience. And what is the relationship challenge, issue, dilemma,

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Speaker 1: problem that we are bringing to the table today. My

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Speaker 1: relationship issue or problem is that I've noticed that I

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Speaker 1: attract men who have mother abandoned issues, and some starting

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Speaker 1: to wonder wit is inside of me that's attracting those

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Speaker 1: type of men. How do you know they have mother

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Speaker 1: abandoned an issue? They tell me. So, since I was

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Speaker 1: about sixteen seventeen, I've dated a man who mother was

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Speaker 1: on drugs, so she went to jail. I dated another

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Speaker 1: man whose mother had him when she was twelve and

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Speaker 1: she was basically too young to take care of him.

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Speaker 1: So he went to live with family members, but that

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Speaker 1: caused some types of abandon the issue there. I've dated

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Speaker 1: another man that I've been in and out out of

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Speaker 1: relationships with for about eighteen years whose mother also went

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Speaker 1: to jail, and then along the way, I've dated other

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Speaker 1: men that, like their mother just physically was not there.

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Speaker 1: So tell me about your mother. My mother had me

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Speaker 1: when she was forty five and a wonderful lady, love

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Speaker 1: her to death. She passed away when I was seventeen.

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Speaker 1: So you've got abandoned, as I do. But even before that,

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Speaker 1: I was, like, even in my teenagers before she passed away,

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Speaker 1: were I was attracting men of that caliber? Yeah, because

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Speaker 1: it's how she bombed it. Probably. What do you know

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Speaker 1: about your mother's story as a woman, because forty five

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Speaker 1: is kind of late to have a child, it is.

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Speaker 1: I don't know much. She had me in the eighties.

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Speaker 1: She didn't speak a lot about her story. The only

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Speaker 1: thing that I really know is that her mother passed

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Speaker 1: away maybe a year after I was born. Her parents

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Speaker 1: got divorced, probably like in the seventies, and she met

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Speaker 1: my father. They had three kids. I'm the youngest. Other

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Speaker 1: than that, the only thing I know is that she

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Speaker 1: dropped out of school when she was sixteen seventeen. Did

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Speaker 1: your mother mother? Was she like a mother hen sitting

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Speaker 1: on for you. No, she did not. Mother was very

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Speaker 1: more in the past aside, and my father was more

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Speaker 1: of agressor. Okay, we all have a bonding pattern how

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Speaker 1: we attract people, and we attract them really based on

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Speaker 1: what we hold in our heart. And I was asking

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Speaker 1: if your mother smothered, because maybe you have a bonding

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Speaker 1: pattern of being with people who need to be mothered.

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Speaker 1: So if you were over mothered, then you will over mother.

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Speaker 1: M I wonder that when my mother passed away or

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Speaker 1: when she got sick, my sister stepped in. Then my

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Speaker 1: sister is more on the mothering side, smothering. Yeah. You

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Speaker 1: know there's a pork shop, then there's a smothered pork shop. Yeah. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So when how old were you when your mother got

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Speaker 1: to say? But you know what, this goes back earlier.

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Speaker 1: This goes all the way back to birth to five,

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Speaker 1: or even how you were in the womb. And see

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Speaker 1: you're looking at the men. You're looking at the men

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Speaker 1: your mother had to when you were forty when she

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Speaker 1: was forty five, what's the gap between you and the

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Speaker 1: one before you? Any years? Ten years? Okay? Wow? Yeah

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Speaker 1: I have a brother. Yeah, okay, so how old was

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Speaker 1: your mother when she got married? See my inkling here

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Speaker 1: is to say this isn't as much about you attracting

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Speaker 1: men as it is about you connecting with them, marrying them,

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Speaker 1: getting married, being married, that kind of thing that seems

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Speaker 1: to me to be the underbelly of this, But I

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Speaker 1: could be very wrong. Are you married? Yeah? Have you

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Speaker 1: ever been married? No? Oh? Do you want to get married?

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Speaker 1: I used someone to get married and now I don't.

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Speaker 1: I don't think so why not? I don't think it's

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Speaker 1: for me. I think that the commitment and the sacrifice

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Speaker 1: that I think women have to go through, I don't

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Speaker 1: want to do so. I've believe with somebody, but I

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Speaker 1: would never been married. But because of the commitment and

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Speaker 1: the sacrifice. Yes, So of course you will attract men

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Speaker 1: who can't make a commitment or a sacrifice because that's

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Speaker 1: what you're holding. That's true. And if they have issues

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Speaker 1: with mom, it's gonna be hard for them to commit

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Speaker 1: or sacrifice or make the attachment because mother is the heart.

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Speaker 1: So you attract men with a heart condition and the heart.

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Speaker 1: Condition that they have is abandonment. This don't have nothing

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Speaker 1: to do with their mother. It's the abandonment. Does that

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Speaker 1: make sense to you? It does make sense to me.

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Speaker 1: So what's inside of me that's attracting that you don't

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Speaker 1: want to commit or sacrifice? Now what you said, that's

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Speaker 1: something fairly new. No, it maybe it's new to your awareness.

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Speaker 1: But if it's been going on since you was sixteen,

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Speaker 1: that's an issue. I want to ask you a question

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Speaker 1: because it's coming up, but it's very personal and I

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Speaker 1: want you to know. I want you to feel safe.

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Speaker 1: You do not have to answer this question. Okay. All

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Speaker 1: you have to say is I'd rather not respond, and

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Speaker 1: that way you know you're safe. Okay. Have you ever

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Speaker 1: had an abortion? Yeah? More than one? Okay, there you go,

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Speaker 1: take a breath. Yeah. Commitment and sacrifice. And I want

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Speaker 1: to say you might have been pretty young when you're

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Speaker 1: a j reversal. Would that be accurate? Yeah? I want

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Speaker 1: you to understand what the core issue is here. Okay,

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Speaker 1: it's the story you're telling yourself about the commitment required

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Speaker 1: and the sacrifice you'd have to make to be in relationship.

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Speaker 1: Now you're looking at men, but it's across the board. Okay,

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Speaker 1: the issue here is not that they have a mother issues.

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Speaker 1: The issue here is that they have a condition in

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Speaker 1: their heart that hinders them from making a full commitment

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Speaker 1: or making the sacrifice required to be in relationship. Because

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Speaker 1: that is your issue. Maybe not who knows, could be,

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Speaker 1: but I just want to help you understand. This is

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Speaker 1: how it keeps showing up as mother issues because mother

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Speaker 1: represents the heart, Okay, she represents the emotion. So you

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Speaker 1: are attracting men with a heart issue or a heart

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Speaker 1: condition that prohibits them from making commitments or sacrifices because

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Speaker 1: you have an issue with making a commitment or a sacrifice. Okay,

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Speaker 1: how does the abortion are your part in it? That

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Speaker 1: would have been a commitment and a sacrifice to have

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Speaker 1: a child. Okay, I do have two children now, Okay,

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Speaker 1: but I'm talking about when this decision was made. Okay.

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Speaker 1: It's not bad, no heat, no judgment, I'm promising you.

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Speaker 1: I'm just trying to get to the core of the issue. Okay.

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Speaker 1: So maybe later on you made commitment and sacrifice, but

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Speaker 1: they're bubbling up in there that has created the way

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Speaker 1: you bomb with men, and we may never know the

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Speaker 1: origin what we do know now is that you are

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Speaker 1: aware of and no longer willing to attract men with

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Speaker 1: a heart condition. Forget mother, it's not mother, it's their heart,

364
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Speaker 1: their emotional stability, their ability to connect emotionally. That's what

365
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Speaker 1: you are attracting men with heart conditions. Okay, okay, does

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Speaker 1: that make sense to you? Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I don't understand what I'm saying. How would I feel

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Speaker 1: that part or not attract their anymore? Well, we'll talk

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Speaker 1: about that right after this break. Welcome back to the

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Speaker 1: our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. How would

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Speaker 1: I feel that part or not attract that anymore? Well?

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Speaker 1: Are you willing to make their commitments and the sacrifices

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Speaker 1: required as a woman that you tell yourself, what are

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Speaker 1: some of those commitments and sacrifices that you think are

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Speaker 1: associated with a long term relationship? Because that's all marriage is.

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00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,440
Speaker 1: It's just saying I'm making a long term relationship. I'm

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Speaker 1: making a long term commitment. I think that whenever you

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Speaker 1: before you make a decision, you have to make sure

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Speaker 1: that your decision is going to be okay for your

380
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:04,679
Speaker 1: relationship as well. And there can be anything okay. So

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Speaker 1: you like freedom, I like freedom independence. Yes, have you

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Speaker 1: ever been accused of being selfish? I have ask me

383
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Speaker 1: how I know? How do you know? None of your business?

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Speaker 1: You want to be free, You want to be independent

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Speaker 1: and interdependence because that's what's required in a relationship. Inter

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00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:51,520
Speaker 1: Dependence feels to you like oppression or slavery, or you're

387
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:58,440
Speaker 1: being some way hampered or restricted. First of all, know

388
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Speaker 1: that you're okay. You're okay, and it's not so much

389
00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:11,200
Speaker 1: that you need to fix or heal anything, as it is.

390
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:15,959
Speaker 1: You have to be okay with where you are and

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Speaker 1: who you are. I want my freedom, I want my independence,

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Speaker 1: and I can have that and still have a healthy,

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Speaker 1: loving relationship. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with

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Speaker 1: the men so that I could cast them off. I

395
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:36,080
Speaker 1: can't commit to them because they broken and defected. I

396
00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:40,040
Speaker 1: love my freedom. You love your freedom and your independence,

397
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Speaker 1: and you can still have a strong, healthy man or

398
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Speaker 1: a relationship with a strong healthy man. You don't have

399
00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:51,840
Speaker 1: to bond from the brokenness. Somewhere in there you're judging

400
00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:58,480
Speaker 1: or have some story about that commitment to sacrifice the

401
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:03,240
Speaker 1: interdepend end. That's where the story is, and you don't

402
00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:05,959
Speaker 1: have to have that story and just say Okay, you know,

403
00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:09,320
Speaker 1: I'll have play dates and maybe some money will come along.

404
00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:12,600
Speaker 1: They don't have to be broken or defective, and I

405
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:18,000
Speaker 1: can still have what I want in a relationship. Okay,

406
00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:23,080
Speaker 1: that's a lot, that's a lot. It is what it

407
00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:27,000
Speaker 1: makes sense. Yeah, but are you okay with where you are?

408
00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:30,360
Speaker 1: Because you're looking at the men they have mother issues?

409
00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:33,440
Speaker 1: Are you okay with where you are and who you

410
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:37,680
Speaker 1: are just as you are? Or do you think there's

411
00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:40,920
Speaker 1: something wrong with you that you keep attracting these men.

412
00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:44,760
Speaker 1: I think it's something. I think it's something wrong. I

413
00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:48,600
Speaker 1: guess because I've been on a spiritual journey by the

414
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:51,880
Speaker 1: last ten years or so, and as I'm getting older

415
00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:56,800
Speaker 1: and I see other people like getting married or having

416
00:30:56,840 --> 00:31:03,120
Speaker 1: these relationships just progressing, I am wondering, is it something

417
00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:06,240
Speaker 1: with me? Even though I know anything that somebody does

418
00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:08,800
Speaker 1: or doesn't do doesn't have anything to do with me.

419
00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:13,200
Speaker 1: That's their journey, don't take anything personal. I still wonder

420
00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:17,280
Speaker 1: is it something wrong with me or something not wrong

421
00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:20,280
Speaker 1: with me? There's something in me that's attracting these type

422
00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:22,560
Speaker 1: of men. How do I fix it? Or how do

423
00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:27,120
Speaker 1: I you don't want it. Let me give it to you.

424
00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:31,520
Speaker 1: Let me give you the reader's digest version. Okay, there's

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00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:37,160
Speaker 1: a part of you that does not want a committed

426
00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:42,320
Speaker 1: relationship in which you would be called to sacrifice your freedom,

427
00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:47,280
Speaker 1: your independence. You don't want that, and in this world

428
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:50,800
Speaker 1: we think that's what we gotta have. So what you do, brilliant,

429
00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:55,960
Speaker 1: You're brilliant. What you do is you attract men to

430
00:31:56,000 --> 00:32:00,560
Speaker 1: whom you cannot commit and will not make the sacrifice

431
00:32:00,640 --> 00:32:05,480
Speaker 1: because they have issues with their mother. That's what you've created.

432
00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:09,520
Speaker 1: You're just brilliant how you did that. And now you're saying, okay,

433
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:12,320
Speaker 1: Now you're saying, okay, wait a minute, there's something wrong

434
00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:16,320
Speaker 1: with me that I keep couldn't attracting them. No, it's

435
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:18,920
Speaker 1: just that you've got to be okay with the fact

436
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:23,800
Speaker 1: that your freedom, your independence is okay, and that you

437
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:27,040
Speaker 1: don't have to be bonded and you're not required to

438
00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:30,080
Speaker 1: make a commitment if that's not what you choose to,

439
00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:35,920
Speaker 1: and that you choose not to make the necessary sacrifices

440
00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:40,840
Speaker 1: required to be in a long term committed relationship and

441
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:44,680
Speaker 1: be okay with that. Right now, I'm single by choice.

442
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:49,280
Speaker 1: I get little whistles and stairs and you know what

443
00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:51,680
Speaker 1: they're called winks and all of that kind of stuff.

444
00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:56,320
Speaker 1: I ain't interested, and I'm okay with that. Okay, it's

445
00:32:56,440 --> 00:33:00,320
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with me. I ain't anti relationship. I just

446
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:03,520
Speaker 1: am this time in my life choosing that's what I

447
00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:06,200
Speaker 1: want and I'm okay with it. And everybody I know

448
00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:08,680
Speaker 1: is trying to hook me up with something I want that.

449
00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:13,400
Speaker 1: Can you be okay with the fact that you are

450
00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:23,600
Speaker 1: self full, self full, independent, aspiring to experience more and

451
00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:28,160
Speaker 1: more freedom that you may have to sacrifice if you

452
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:31,080
Speaker 1: were in a long term, committed relationship and you're not

453
00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:35,600
Speaker 1: willing to do that, that's not your choice, Okay. Can

454
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:39,160
Speaker 1: you be okay with that? I can get okay with that.

455
00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:45,560
Speaker 1: I think there's a certain unlearning to do yes, And

456
00:33:45,720 --> 00:33:51,360
Speaker 1: the unlearning is I no longer choose to attract men

457
00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:56,880
Speaker 1: who have issues with their mother. I choose to maintain

458
00:33:56,960 --> 00:34:01,640
Speaker 1: my freedom and my independence and still be and a loving, fulfilling,

459
00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:09,319
Speaker 1: satisfying relationship. I like that they don't have to have

460
00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:14,799
Speaker 1: something wrong with them so that you can't commit. You

461
00:34:14,800 --> 00:34:18,080
Speaker 1: can just choose. I don't. I'm marriage is not for me.

462
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:22,359
Speaker 1: That level of commitment is not for me, and that's

463
00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:24,879
Speaker 1: not what I want. I just want a healthy man

464
00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:34,080
Speaker 1: or a healthy partner who I can have fun with. Companionship. Okay,

465
00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:38,080
Speaker 1: I like that. You want a steadment, you know, opening steadment.

466
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:40,640
Speaker 1: Have been together for how much you know, since God

467
00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:43,160
Speaker 1: left Chicago? And she's real clear, we don't have to

468
00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:47,360
Speaker 1: get married and the ain't nothing wrong with him. I

469
00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:49,360
Speaker 1: was just thinking about it yesterday when I was driving

470
00:34:49,560 --> 00:34:52,600
Speaker 1: about their relationship. What are you okay with that? Okay?

471
00:34:52,600 --> 00:34:59,000
Speaker 1: If I would be, I would. But when I tell

472
00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:01,880
Speaker 1: man that I don't want to get married, it is

473
00:35:04,719 --> 00:35:10,120
Speaker 1: because you are attracting men who have a heart condition,

474
00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:15,120
Speaker 1: so they're looking to be mothered, which requires a level

475
00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:20,800
Speaker 1: of bonding and connection and commitment that you're not willing

476
00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:29,560
Speaker 1: to give. Okay, but you're not willing to give, and

477
00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:36,600
Speaker 1: that's okay. Did you see the Woman King? I have

478
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:39,919
Speaker 1: not seen yet. Oh you go see it. Go see

479
00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:43,360
Speaker 1: the Woman King. Okay, and you're gonna have a whole

480
00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:47,719
Speaker 1: different perspective about how women can be because in this

481
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:52,080
Speaker 1: Western society that we live in, we think that we

482
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:57,360
Speaker 1: have only one model of a way of being woman.

483
00:35:57,840 --> 00:36:01,799
Speaker 1: And that's not true because as the King is very

484
00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:06,120
Speaker 1: different than the queen, and she was a woman king,

485
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:10,600
Speaker 1: not a woman queen. Okay, make sure you see that movie.

486
00:36:11,040 --> 00:36:15,600
Speaker 1: I am. And as you're on your spiritual journey, ask

487
00:36:15,719 --> 00:36:21,520
Speaker 1: your higher self, your guardians, angels and guides to reveal

488
00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:25,080
Speaker 1: to you your bonding pattern so that it can be

489
00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:29,840
Speaker 1: healed and released. That you're just attracting men with a

490
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:33,160
Speaker 1: heart condition. It does. Mother just seems to be the issue.

491
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:37,840
Speaker 1: But mother is the heart. Okay. Tell me what you

492
00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:40,439
Speaker 1: hear me saying, or tell me what's going through your brain.

493
00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:43,040
Speaker 1: I want to make sure that you're settled. What I

494
00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:49,440
Speaker 1: hate saying is that I don't want to commit and sacrifice,

495
00:36:49,920 --> 00:36:52,160
Speaker 1: and I need to be okay with that. In the

496
00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:56,879
Speaker 1: way women are programmed in condition to commit and sacrifice

497
00:36:57,239 --> 00:37:01,359
Speaker 1: for a relationship. That's not what you choose for yourself. Right.

498
00:37:01,719 --> 00:37:07,440
Speaker 1: Your freedom is important, Your independence is important, and relationships

499
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:16,880
Speaker 1: require an interdependence that you're not choosing for yourself. Okay,

500
00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:22,400
Speaker 1: thank you so much. Thank you. Be sure to go

501
00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:27,799
Speaker 1: see The Woman King. Yeah it's streaming now, and watch

502
00:37:27,880 --> 00:37:31,880
Speaker 1: it several times so that you can start seeing how

503
00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:39,560
Speaker 1: to be a woman king, not a queen, but a king. Okay, okay,

504
00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:42,640
Speaker 1: all right, thank you for calling. I wish you all

505
00:37:42,680 --> 00:37:47,480
Speaker 1: good luck. Okay, all right, thank you, bye bye. Ma.

506
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:59,240
Speaker 1: It's interesting when we understand or recognize how we bomb

507
00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:06,680
Speaker 1: with people and what's under that bonding, but we'll never

508
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:10,120
Speaker 1: recognize it as long as we're looking at the other person.

509
00:38:11,239 --> 00:38:16,520
Speaker 1: Your bonding pattern is about you. It's about your heart

510
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:22,160
Speaker 1: and your desires. So if you're looking out wondering why

511
00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:26,759
Speaker 1: is this coming to me? As opposed to looking at

512
00:38:26,880 --> 00:38:30,920
Speaker 1: why am I calling this? In chances are you going

513
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:35,320
Speaker 1: to miss the mark. Everybody has a bonding pattern and

514
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:38,160
Speaker 1: as long as we don't judge it or make ourselves

515
00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:43,680
Speaker 1: or anyone else wrong, we'll be okay. I hope this

516
00:38:43,719 --> 00:38:45,960
Speaker 1: has been helpful to someone, And if you have a

517
00:38:46,080 --> 00:38:50,799
Speaker 1: question about this or any other relationship issue, you can

518
00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:54,560
Speaker 1: call me live at seven seven five three zero seven

519
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:57,520
Speaker 1: seven seven sixty eight. Now be sure to follow me

520
00:38:57,600 --> 00:39:00,879
Speaker 1: on social media for all of the calling in times,

521
00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:08,840
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace, not peaceless. The R

522
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:13,880
Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.

523
00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:19,320
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app,

524
00:39:19,520 --> 00:39:23,600
Speaker 1: Apple podcast or wherever you listen to your favorite shows,