1 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:13,120 Speaker 1: This is Teddy Teapod. Hi, guys, welcome back to this 2 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:17,759 Speaker 1: week's Teddy Teapod. It's almost a Valentine's Day, It's the 3 00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:21,400 Speaker 1: month of February, so I mean, why not talk about 4 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:24,520 Speaker 1: sex and intimacy? I mean, plus, I'm a million years pregnant. 5 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:26,920 Speaker 1: I mean, aren't I the perfect one to discuss it 6 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:30,720 Speaker 1: considering I'm like breathing heavy just sitting here talking into 7 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:36,840 Speaker 1: this microphone. So I am bringing on Jenny Marie Battistin. 8 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:40,560 Speaker 1: Did I say it right? You know what I'm already 9 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:45,120 Speaker 1: crushing today? Um. She is a licensed marriage family therapist. 10 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:48,840 Speaker 1: She speaks about foundational romance, how to continuously learn about 11 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:52,640 Speaker 1: each other, keeping your relationship noon exciting, Tainted love that 12 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:57,080 Speaker 1: makes me immediately think about the song Tainted Love. Okay, anyways, 13 00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,240 Speaker 1: I want to saying for you guys. Um, no romance 14 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:05,960 Speaker 1: after baby dating this Valentine's Day, infatuation, juicy, and new 15 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:09,679 Speaker 1: rules for dating apps. Let's break down some of these 16 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:13,080 Speaker 1: bullet points. I'm kind of I need to know new 17 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:18,080 Speaker 1: rules for dating apps? Okay, what are they? Well, don't 18 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:22,040 Speaker 1: be so quick to swipe left. Just don't judge based 19 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:25,800 Speaker 1: on their appearance. Read through their app, their profile, and 20 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:30,240 Speaker 1: see is there something more there explored a little bit deeper. 21 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,120 Speaker 1: You might be swiping left on someone who really is 22 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:37,119 Speaker 1: a solid individual and has something that really could be 23 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:42,520 Speaker 1: a relationship that could be the relationships of all relationships. Uh, 24 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:46,240 Speaker 1: don't wait too long for that first date. You ever 25 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:48,720 Speaker 1: get caught in that time where you're like having so 26 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:52,480 Speaker 1: much fun sending back witty little things through the app 27 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:55,600 Speaker 1: and you know, exploring a conversation. There's all these fun 28 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:58,440 Speaker 1: sparks that's going, but you never get to that first date. 29 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,920 Speaker 1: It's because it died out right, It dies out, Yeah, 30 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,120 Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden they've ghosted you before long. 31 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:07,480 Speaker 1: So within a week and a half, you really should 32 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:09,400 Speaker 1: be meeting up at that point, even if it is 33 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,760 Speaker 1: for the you know, coffee date, which you know, I 34 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,480 Speaker 1: don't really particularly care for the coffee date. Do something 35 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,840 Speaker 1: a little bit different. Oh so what tell me? Tell 36 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:21,440 Speaker 1: me why no coffee date? You know it's such a cliche. 37 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,079 Speaker 1: Be a little bit creative, Show your creative side, show 38 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:27,080 Speaker 1: your fun side. You know, meet up at the dog park, 39 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:31,359 Speaker 1: Go to a bookstore and peruse what books you enjoy. Uh, 40 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:35,600 Speaker 1: meet up at a gallery, look at some artwork. Do 41 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:39,280 Speaker 1: something a little bit more fun, go roller skating? Why not? 42 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,000 Speaker 1: And how do you know if a dating app just 43 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:46,520 Speaker 1: like doesn't work for you? Yeah, you know, it's so hard. 44 00:02:46,639 --> 00:02:49,480 Speaker 1: You got to be um more in that organic world. 45 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,160 Speaker 1: So means you've got to get out there and be 46 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,480 Speaker 1: in the organic world. Go join a club or an 47 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:58,800 Speaker 1: organization that you're passionate about. You're gonna find someone who's 48 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:02,040 Speaker 1: passionate about it. Or you like rock climbing, go to 49 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:05,440 Speaker 1: one of the rock climbing clubs. You like hiking, join 50 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:08,400 Speaker 1: a hiking group. Find something that's going to be an 51 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,320 Speaker 1: interest you enjoy that. You could find a partner. So 52 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:16,280 Speaker 1: good ideas? Um, okay, No romance after baby. How to 53 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:21,520 Speaker 1: maintain intimacy and close communication after children? Yeah, you know. 54 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:25,960 Speaker 1: Remembering to say I love you every day and have 55 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:30,920 Speaker 1: those moments of partying and reunions each day, even if 56 00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:33,119 Speaker 1: you just grab each other for that twenty second hug 57 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:36,200 Speaker 1: before you leave in the morning and when you come back, 58 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:40,720 Speaker 1: are really important. Surprise each other with little romantic gifts 59 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,360 Speaker 1: or little romantic notes. I love when you hide a 60 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:47,000 Speaker 1: little note maybe in the bathroom or throw it in 61 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:50,720 Speaker 1: their briefcase or their purse. You know, let's show your 62 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:54,320 Speaker 1: partner you're thinking about them. Um, you know, throw one 63 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:56,960 Speaker 1: in where the diapers are, so when you're out getting 64 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,360 Speaker 1: the diaper you find a little note. It's like from 65 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:04,360 Speaker 1: your partner. Fun, Oh, that's I recently did this. You guys, 66 00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 1: don't be shocked. But the other day, my husband was 67 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 1: really like just you know, he was having truthfully, I mean, 68 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,400 Speaker 1: he was really sad about Kobe and I. He was like, 69 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,960 Speaker 1: I'd never seen him cry so much. And I just 70 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:19,960 Speaker 1: left him a little note like with next to his 71 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,679 Speaker 1: breakfast and I had to rush off with the kids 72 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:25,520 Speaker 1: and go to work and whatnot. And I was like, 73 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:26,880 Speaker 1: you know, I didn't really think much of it. I 74 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:28,440 Speaker 1: just was like, love you. I had to miss you 75 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:30,960 Speaker 1: this morning. I'm really thinking about you. I really appreciate you, 76 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,599 Speaker 1: and you know, I'm sorry that that you're really sad. 77 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:37,840 Speaker 1: This is heartbreaking. And but that night he brought it up, 78 00:04:37,839 --> 00:04:39,160 Speaker 1: he was like, hey, just so you know, I really 79 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:42,479 Speaker 1: appreciated that note today. And so it's crazy what just 80 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:46,560 Speaker 1: something so small could really mean to somebody. So like, 81 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,760 Speaker 1: if you're having that moment, and it really, I mean, 82 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:53,039 Speaker 1: it really took me thirty seconds could really touch somebody. 83 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:56,159 Speaker 1: So like, let's remember to keep doing that. I mean, guys, 84 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,840 Speaker 1: don't get me wrong, I don't do that often. I 85 00:04:58,839 --> 00:05:00,760 Speaker 1: needed to do it a lot more. And like I 86 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,880 Speaker 1: was writing down notes as you were giving me the 87 00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,880 Speaker 1: other information. But I did accomplish one goal. So I 88 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:09,839 Speaker 1: just you know, I had to self brag about it. Um, okay, 89 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:15,039 Speaker 1: tainted love? What to find the truly toxic relationship? Yes, 90 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:18,640 Speaker 1: you know. I think the biggest thing is are you 91 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:23,040 Speaker 1: thinking about that person and you know, trying to meet 92 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 1: their dreams and they're not thinking about yours? Um, are 93 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:32,680 Speaker 1: you uh constantly compromising in an unhealthy way? You're always 94 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:37,680 Speaker 1: giving yourself and there's no healthy compromise. That's a problem. 95 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:40,320 Speaker 1: You know, if you're putting your dreams, your hopes to 96 00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:43,640 Speaker 1: the side. Uh, you're always going to doing their activities 97 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,479 Speaker 1: or you know, let's say they do agree to go 98 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:51,040 Speaker 1: do an activity with you, but they're soaking the the 99 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:54,880 Speaker 1: worst that's the worst worst, like go kick rocks. I 100 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:58,240 Speaker 1: don't want to be around you with your bad behavior. Well, 101 00:05:58,320 --> 00:05:59,560 Speaker 1: I know we have to take a little break and 102 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,120 Speaker 1: then we've had to come back and we have so 103 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:14,039 Speaker 1: many good listener questions. We have lots of listener questions 104 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,520 Speaker 1: and just some are for me, and I want you 105 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,800 Speaker 1: to kind of diagnose me as we're going through because 106 00:06:19,839 --> 00:06:23,400 Speaker 1: obviously I'm a little bit crazy. Um okay, So the 107 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:26,440 Speaker 1: first listener question is how many times have I been 108 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:33,839 Speaker 1: in love? I would say that I have. There are 109 00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:37,159 Speaker 1: four people that stand out in my life of maybe 110 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,159 Speaker 1: maybe love. My high school boyfriend. I don't know if 111 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,560 Speaker 1: I was actually in love with him. I mean we 112 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:44,960 Speaker 1: would like do drive by his house to like see 113 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:48,800 Speaker 1: if he was home from football practice, or like we 114 00:06:48,839 --> 00:06:51,120 Speaker 1: wrote love notes, or like he would leave mentos in 115 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:53,000 Speaker 1: my locker and if he didn't, we were in a fight. 116 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:56,200 Speaker 1: I mean those types of things, like very young whatever. 117 00:06:56,279 --> 00:06:58,719 Speaker 1: I don't know if that's necessarily love or not, but 118 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:02,440 Speaker 1: it's a memory of lie those times. There was one 119 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:05,919 Speaker 1: person when I first moved out to Los Angeles. He 120 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,000 Speaker 1: was like a b actor and he was like the 121 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:11,200 Speaker 1: first guy that I thought broke my heart. I wasn't 122 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:14,000 Speaker 1: really in love. I wasn't in love with him. I mean, 123 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:16,920 Speaker 1: he definitely was not in love with me, but like 124 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:20,000 Speaker 1: it was the first time that I remember being like, wow, 125 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,440 Speaker 1: that really hurt, Like I got ditched at a party 126 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:24,120 Speaker 1: and he went like hooked up with somebody else. And 127 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:26,600 Speaker 1: I remember being like that scarred me for like a 128 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:30,120 Speaker 1: good year. Oh that's the worst. That's the word. So that. 129 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,400 Speaker 1: And then I was married before my husband, and I 130 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:34,560 Speaker 1: do know that I was in love with him. I 131 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,320 Speaker 1: think I was in love with him more of like 132 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:40,320 Speaker 1: as a friend. Um. And then my husband that I 133 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,600 Speaker 1: have now edwin UM. But I think they're all different 134 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:46,560 Speaker 1: kinds of love. Is that true? Absolutely, there's all kinds 135 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:50,160 Speaker 1: of different love. And you know, I think Valentine's Day 136 00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:52,880 Speaker 1: is that time that we think of Cupid's arrow. It's 137 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:56,560 Speaker 1: that fun love, that passionate love, that type of love 138 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,360 Speaker 1: that you're like, I can't wait till I see you, 139 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:01,600 Speaker 1: But what's in our seeing? Sometimes that's not the love 140 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,160 Speaker 1: that lasts. For instance, when you were talking about the 141 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:07,520 Speaker 1: drive buys, you know, when you're obsessed by someone and 142 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,320 Speaker 1: you're driving by and you're thinking about them every moment 143 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:13,640 Speaker 1: and you think they meet every quality that you've ever 144 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,880 Speaker 1: had had on a checklist. Might just be Cupid arro 145 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,560 Speaker 1: for a moment, right, I mean, but I don't I 146 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:22,760 Speaker 1: don't know if it was necessarily obsessed. It was like 147 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,800 Speaker 1: all of my girlfriends who would get in each other's 148 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:27,640 Speaker 1: cars like inner cheerleading outfits, and we'd be like, I 149 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,400 Speaker 1: wonder if the guys are home from practice, dad, and 150 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,320 Speaker 1: they haven't. They haven't page me. My maroon page hasn't 151 00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:35,040 Speaker 1: gone off yet. But it was more like fun, and 152 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,280 Speaker 1: I think it was just the first idea of having 153 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:43,720 Speaker 1: like a crush on somebody. Yeah, I mean crushes are fun. Obviously, 154 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:47,440 Speaker 1: puppy love is fun. But what will really last over 155 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:52,240 Speaker 1: time is something where there's reciprocal relationships. So he's thinking 156 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,840 Speaker 1: about you too. You are getting that text message, you 157 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,760 Speaker 1: are getting that page. Who do you How do you 158 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:00,920 Speaker 1: think somebody knows if they're if it's the real, right 159 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:05,280 Speaker 1: kind of love. Well, you know, something that is high quality, 160 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:08,479 Speaker 1: is well built, and there's going to be a foundation 161 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:12,200 Speaker 1: that's there. They've really taken a chance to get to 162 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:14,560 Speaker 1: know you, get to know all your ins and outs, 163 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,360 Speaker 1: see you the good, the bad, the ugly moment, and 164 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:21,680 Speaker 1: still really appreciate you in those moments. So that takes 165 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:25,080 Speaker 1: time and it's not something that's going to happen in 166 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,160 Speaker 1: just a couple of weeks. And what do you think 167 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:32,240 Speaker 1: a good way to show somebody love is the right way. Yeah, 168 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:36,160 Speaker 1: it's getting to know them by asking those open ended 169 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 1: questions to really know their internal world, their hopes, their dreams, 170 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,280 Speaker 1: to you know, find a little bit of the fun, 171 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:47,920 Speaker 1: the favorites. You know, ask those fun questions of if 172 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,200 Speaker 1: you had five million dollars, what would you do first? Um, 173 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:54,760 Speaker 1: To really kind of understand what's important to them, their values. 174 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,480 Speaker 1: So step outside of the box, step out of the 175 00:09:57,559 --> 00:09:59,800 Speaker 1: norm of the types of questions that you talk about 176 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:02,839 Speaker 1: with it gets home from work and yes, and kind 177 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:05,640 Speaker 1: of keep it interesting, all right, makes sense? And do 178 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:08,679 Speaker 1: you think that people can fall out of love? And 179 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,360 Speaker 1: what do you do like For example, falling out of 180 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:15,120 Speaker 1: love when you're twenty isn't necessarily the biggest deal, But 181 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,280 Speaker 1: falling out of love when you're married and you have 182 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:22,440 Speaker 1: four kids, that's a bigger deal. So, I mean, how 183 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,679 Speaker 1: how do you start to know if you're falling out 184 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,439 Speaker 1: of love? And are you really falling out of love 185 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,080 Speaker 1: or do you just not want to do the work 186 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:31,400 Speaker 1: on trying to work on your relationship. I think a 187 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,400 Speaker 1: lot of people don't know how to do the work. 188 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,679 Speaker 1: They haven't had either a good example growing up or 189 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:40,520 Speaker 1: other relationships around them. Um, they sometimes think if you 190 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,240 Speaker 1: have to work this hard, that maybe it's not right. 191 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,240 Speaker 1: But anything that's built to last is going to take 192 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:51,240 Speaker 1: work really investing each other and prioritizing your relationship. And 193 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,920 Speaker 1: it's difficult after kids, and four kids is a lot. 194 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,600 Speaker 1: It's a lot to juggle, but to remember who your 195 00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:01,320 Speaker 1: partner is and set aside that time I'm to continue 196 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:04,560 Speaker 1: to get to know them, continue to explore the world 197 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:08,120 Speaker 1: and have conversations that are just beyond hey, what happened 198 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:11,320 Speaker 1: at work today. Well so if you but if you're 199 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:13,360 Speaker 1: not in a situation where you have kids and you're 200 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,959 Speaker 1: married and you're oftentimes what you see and especially like 201 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:21,479 Speaker 1: in this newer generation of people in relationships or situation 202 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,520 Speaker 1: ships that I've heard about, which is like where you 203 00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,880 Speaker 1: have one foot in, one foot out. You don't want 204 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:31,200 Speaker 1: them to date anybody else, but then you don't necessarily 205 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:34,400 Speaker 1: want to be exclusive with them. How do you know 206 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,640 Speaker 1: if that person is worth it? Like, how do you 207 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:41,480 Speaker 1: know if it's time to make that next step? Or like, 208 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:43,560 Speaker 1: how do you know if it's time to call it quits? 209 00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:46,400 Speaker 1: Because oftentimes I'm saying a lot, especially with like some 210 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,760 Speaker 1: of my younger friends they are making up and breaking 211 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:53,319 Speaker 1: up like crazy, and so how do how do you know? Yeah, 212 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,800 Speaker 1: are you interested in similar dreams? Do you want to 213 00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:03,600 Speaker 1: help each other accomplish those dreams? Are you interested in finding, hey, 214 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,880 Speaker 1: what do we have in common and how can we 215 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:10,199 Speaker 1: build that together? Um, Relationships that have a similar dream 216 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,520 Speaker 1: are ones that are typically going to go to the distance. 217 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:17,880 Speaker 1: And in the beginning infatuation, you just think they're cute, 218 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,760 Speaker 1: you know, and you think they're kind of adorable, but 219 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,040 Speaker 1: you don't kind of go beyond there to find out 220 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:25,040 Speaker 1: and explore what are we going to build in this 221 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:29,120 Speaker 1: life together? Right? And but I think sometimes you know, 222 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:33,439 Speaker 1: you don't necessarily know your dreams when you meet your 223 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:37,840 Speaker 1: partner and also being able to work together as you 224 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:42,000 Speaker 1: both grow. I think I will sometimes see one person 225 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:44,120 Speaker 1: and I mean my husband and I have struggled with 226 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,360 Speaker 1: this in the past, where one of us is growing 227 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:49,560 Speaker 1: faster than the other and we're having a hard time 228 00:12:49,559 --> 00:12:51,920 Speaker 1: meeting eye to eye because the other one isn't kind 229 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,840 Speaker 1: of I don't know, I'm trying to think of the 230 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:57,240 Speaker 1: way it is like there was a time when I 231 00:12:57,240 --> 00:12:59,719 Speaker 1: was really struggling in my life and I was a 232 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:04,199 Speaker 1: us like bringing him down like I would bring my negative, 233 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:08,840 Speaker 1: negative energy into our relationship and was looking to him 234 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:12,240 Speaker 1: to make me feel better versus taking action for myself. 235 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,360 Speaker 1: And it was something that was like a big wake 236 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:18,200 Speaker 1: up call for me, and I started watching our sex 237 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:22,280 Speaker 1: life everything getting better when I started taking action and 238 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:25,959 Speaker 1: feeling good. But I think it's hard to know because 239 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,360 Speaker 1: we get into such a negative headspace when it really 240 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:32,520 Speaker 1: is us. Yes, well, there is a really good balance 241 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:37,280 Speaker 1: between still maintaining who we are as an individual and 242 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,679 Speaker 1: not wrapping our entire life into that other person and 243 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,640 Speaker 1: expecting them to fulfill us for everything that we are 244 00:13:43,679 --> 00:13:46,679 Speaker 1: doing some of our own personal fulfillment, and we are 245 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:50,880 Speaker 1: exploring our own dreams, but then we're also talking about 246 00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:53,360 Speaker 1: that dream with our partner and sharing and they become 247 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:56,000 Speaker 1: our cheerleader and they root us on for those things. 248 00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:58,480 Speaker 1: But we also have to do a healthy balance of 249 00:13:58,559 --> 00:14:01,320 Speaker 1: rooting our own self on. And how do you know, Like, 250 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:04,400 Speaker 1: how can we tell our listeners like, no matter how 251 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,080 Speaker 1: much you're rooting yourself on, like your partner is not 252 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:09,640 Speaker 1: coming on to on to play with you, like he 253 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:11,520 Speaker 1: is not there for you. How do you like, how 254 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,160 Speaker 1: do you know it's time? No? Yeah, so if we're 255 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,679 Speaker 1: sorry to get into you know, what I would call 256 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,240 Speaker 1: more of a toxic relationship with a person is more 257 00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:22,320 Speaker 1: self absorbed. They're thinking about their selves. They're not asking 258 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:26,080 Speaker 1: about your dreams. They are, you know, one upping you. 259 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,640 Speaker 1: Maybe even you come home and you're like, I've had 260 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:32,040 Speaker 1: this terrible day, and then they launched immediately into their 261 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:35,800 Speaker 1: terrible day. They're not able to reflect and stay with 262 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:39,320 Speaker 1: you and stay in that place of understanding your experience 263 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:42,920 Speaker 1: for the day. Um, they're not really interested in you 264 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,520 Speaker 1: as a person going and growing. That's a good point, 265 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,280 Speaker 1: all right. I like that. I like that. Um. The 266 00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,520 Speaker 1: next one for me was, what was the first thing 267 00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:55,560 Speaker 1: I noticed about my partner? Okay, well, I mean, I 268 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:57,920 Speaker 1: gotta be really honest here, and I don't. I can't 269 00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,960 Speaker 1: take the judgment. I can't take the judgment. I don't 270 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:03,400 Speaker 1: really remember meeting my husband super well. I was like 271 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:08,720 Speaker 1: tipsy entering a nightclub. He I was walking in, he 272 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:13,240 Speaker 1: was walking out. I don't necessarily remember this part, but 273 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,480 Speaker 1: I guess he like did a turnaround and like walked 274 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:18,560 Speaker 1: in and asked me if, um, he could buy me 275 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:22,640 Speaker 1: a drink? Um, And you know what the rest was 276 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,720 Speaker 1: history on night one. But the next morning I woke 277 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,840 Speaker 1: up and I'm like, oh, code red, Like my alarm 278 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,640 Speaker 1: went off at five forty. Had to be at work, 279 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,800 Speaker 1: and I remembering, like, you need to get out of here, 280 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,960 Speaker 1: like this is like by like I was recently divorced. 281 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,960 Speaker 1: I'm like, we we gotta go. I'm like, Edward, let's 282 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 1: move there and lose it, buddy, come on, and um 283 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,680 Speaker 1: he was like, well, I mean you gotta it was 284 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:47,320 Speaker 1: like before Uber's. So he's like, well, can you drive 285 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:48,800 Speaker 1: me to a Starbucks so I can get like a 286 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:53,040 Speaker 1: taxi from an easier place, And I remember the entire 287 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:57,400 Speaker 1: time that we were driving, we were laughing, and so 288 00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:00,240 Speaker 1: that's my first real memory. Is like that next day 289 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,560 Speaker 1: where I'm like a disaster having to go to work 290 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,840 Speaker 1: at six am, and I'm kind of just like teasing him, 291 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,640 Speaker 1: like he had a ponytail at the time and like 292 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:11,120 Speaker 1: leather pants on, not kidding, And I was like, honestly, 293 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:14,280 Speaker 1: you are so not my type, Like how did this happen? 294 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,760 Speaker 1: He was like I don't know, must have been the drunks, 295 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:19,600 Speaker 1: you know, like whatever, But he could take a joke 296 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,840 Speaker 1: and laugh with me, and then he would tease me 297 00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:24,440 Speaker 1: back in that moment, I was like, Okay, I don't 298 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,920 Speaker 1: know what this is going to turn into, but this 299 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:30,520 Speaker 1: morning was fun. And I like a person that can 300 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:34,200 Speaker 1: laugh and like take I can get kind of serious sometimes, 301 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,080 Speaker 1: and he can like make a situation fund for me. 302 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:40,680 Speaker 1: So for me, that's what I first noticed about my partner. 303 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,720 Speaker 1: I love that he made you laugh. I mean we 304 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:47,240 Speaker 1: need that because someday all the you know, when we're 305 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:49,920 Speaker 1: old and wrinkly, we need that person who can still 306 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,280 Speaker 1: make us laugh and like not he wasn't like taking 307 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:55,920 Speaker 1: himself too seriously. So for me, like, those are things 308 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:59,560 Speaker 1: that I realized I really like in somebody because life 309 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,360 Speaker 1: can be very serious sometimes and like, yes, we want 310 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:05,320 Speaker 1: to have those serious conversations, and yes we can, but 311 00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:08,000 Speaker 1: at the end of the day, when like stuff is 312 00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:11,399 Speaker 1: out of our control, you want somebody that's gonna be 313 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:13,720 Speaker 1: able to like smile or tell you a joke or 314 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,560 Speaker 1: like laugh at your joke and you're like, okay, all right, 315 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:22,000 Speaker 1: life's okay. So that's my long slash short answer. Um, 316 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:28,240 Speaker 1: how many partners have I had in the past? Excuse me? 317 00:17:29,359 --> 00:17:31,280 Speaker 1: What a certain number for someone else to be a 318 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,480 Speaker 1: deal breaker? Um? I'm not going to share my number. 319 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:39,520 Speaker 1: People can be a little judge. Um, but I it's 320 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,439 Speaker 1: not the lowest number in the world, is not the 321 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:46,360 Speaker 1: biggest number in the world. UM, but I do know that. UM. 322 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:50,159 Speaker 1: I told my husband my number. I don't know what 323 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,800 Speaker 1: it was like the beginning, and he asked, UM. I 324 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:56,640 Speaker 1: don't think he cared either way. And when I asked 325 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,240 Speaker 1: him his he was like, I don't know. I was like, well, 326 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:03,960 Speaker 1: whatever mindnumber is now is like definitely better than yours. UM, 327 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,399 Speaker 1: but I don't know. For me, it's not necessarily a 328 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:09,359 Speaker 1: deal breaker. UM. But what are your thoughts on numbers? 329 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,840 Speaker 1: And people that are take that very seriously? Yeah, you know, 330 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,719 Speaker 1: everyone's so different, and I think it's finding someone who 331 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:19,200 Speaker 1: is open to talking about it. UM. I have a 332 00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:21,960 Speaker 1: range of clients. I have clients that they have no 333 00:18:22,119 --> 00:18:25,480 Speaker 1: numbers and they've purposely gone into life saying, you know 334 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,600 Speaker 1: what I want the one and only and that's it 335 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,960 Speaker 1: and that's what works for them. And then I have 336 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:32,920 Speaker 1: clients who said, you know, the number really doesn't matter 337 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,040 Speaker 1: to me, and other clients that are a little bit 338 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,080 Speaker 1: concerned about it. Is this person gonna see me as 339 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:41,359 Speaker 1: their last and only and be okay? With that. UM, 340 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,359 Speaker 1: So it's really finding someone who's open to dialoguing about it, 341 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:48,480 Speaker 1: comfortable about dialogue about it. I do know that Edwin 342 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,359 Speaker 1: said to me when I said my number, he goes, 343 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:54,280 Speaker 1: what every girl I've ever been with has told me. Three. 344 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:57,160 Speaker 1: I'm like, that's just the number they say. It sounds 345 00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:00,840 Speaker 1: it sounds really good, but come on, um, but I 346 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,640 Speaker 1: think that's something. Yeah, truthfully, you talked through with your 347 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:08,639 Speaker 1: partner and you figure it out. And I can't even remember. 348 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:10,680 Speaker 1: I think it was I heard on Ryan Seacrest one 349 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:15,560 Speaker 1: morning about somebody talking about there was a couple that 350 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,439 Speaker 1: went out on a date, a blind date, and the 351 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:22,560 Speaker 1: guy never called the girl back, and he she thought 352 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,119 Speaker 1: they had a good date or if I'm if I'm 353 00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:29,200 Speaker 1: getting this wrong, Easton, please step in. But he never 354 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,399 Speaker 1: called her back because she shared her number and her 355 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:34,280 Speaker 1: number was whatever, I'm gonna make it up ten and 356 00:19:34,359 --> 00:19:36,679 Speaker 1: he was like, I could never see myself being with 357 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,840 Speaker 1: somebody that had been with ten people. So even though 358 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:42,000 Speaker 1: they had had a good date, um, it was like 359 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:44,919 Speaker 1: a total turn off for him. And then their conversation 360 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:48,240 Speaker 1: during it made me so awkward because the girls like 361 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,040 Speaker 1: kind of trying to be like, well, I'm happy with 362 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:54,119 Speaker 1: my number, Like, what's wrong with you that you're so 363 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:57,000 Speaker 1: judgmental that you can't get over it even though we 364 00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:01,520 Speaker 1: had this date. So if that isn't somebody's mind, But 365 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:04,680 Speaker 1: like granted the guy, it's not. It's not like he'd 366 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:08,240 Speaker 1: never been with anybody. So how do you how do 367 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:11,719 Speaker 1: you justify that behavior if somebody, if one person is 368 00:20:12,119 --> 00:20:16,840 Speaker 1: so particular about what a number maybe when they themselves 369 00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:20,160 Speaker 1: don't follow the same standard. Well, it's it's fascinating because 370 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:23,600 Speaker 1: they were in a little bit of denial and uh, 371 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,720 Speaker 1: and they're a little bit one sided. So I would 372 00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,560 Speaker 1: say run anyway, because he's not someone who's going to 373 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,040 Speaker 1: be open about talking about probably intimacy and sex later 374 00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:35,720 Speaker 1: in the relationship. He's going to be very focused about 375 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,160 Speaker 1: him on his own self and that's not a good 376 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,800 Speaker 1: indicator anyway, and what he thinks he wants and what 377 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:45,480 Speaker 1: he wants to portray or whatever it's about. Image. Um, 378 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:47,320 Speaker 1: if I was with a guy and found out he 379 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:53,639 Speaker 1: was bisexual, would that change my feelings for him? I 380 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:57,480 Speaker 1: haven't ever, This hasn't ever come up for me, so 381 00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:01,639 Speaker 1: I don't really have like an answer. I think I 382 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:07,520 Speaker 1: would consistently worry that my partner wasn't actually interested in me. 383 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:12,560 Speaker 1: I mean, just being completely honest. Um, I don't know. 384 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,120 Speaker 1: To me, it kind of goes in the same way 385 00:21:15,119 --> 00:21:19,119 Speaker 1: of like threesomes or any kind of open relationship. I 386 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:23,440 Speaker 1: think I would just worry. It's it's an unknown to me. 387 00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:27,320 Speaker 1: So why would you worry more about the bisexual piece 388 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:30,840 Speaker 1: versus just if you're in a relationship. You know, are 389 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,359 Speaker 1: you worrying they're going to think about another woman? No, 390 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:36,320 Speaker 1: I think I would worry that he actually wanted to 391 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,720 Speaker 1: be with a man and just wasn't. Like I don't know, 392 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,960 Speaker 1: I think that would I think that would worry me. 393 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,680 Speaker 1: Right Well, it really comes down to what they understand 394 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:48,000 Speaker 1: commitment is, and if they believe in a commitment long 395 00:21:48,119 --> 00:21:50,640 Speaker 1: term relationship and they're with the person that they're with, 396 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,560 Speaker 1: why does it matter if they're male or female? Um, 397 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,320 Speaker 1: that they might have an interest in in the past. 398 00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,520 Speaker 1: I agree with you, I know. I guess that's my 399 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:03,719 Speaker 1: own my own in security or I I don't know, 400 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,239 Speaker 1: I I see that's that one kind of stumped me. 401 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:10,640 Speaker 1: I don't I don't necessarily think I would be bothered, 402 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,160 Speaker 1: but I did read something in the press recently about 403 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,520 Speaker 1: a couple that was talking about it, and the girl 404 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,040 Speaker 1: had said in the media, you know, like I am 405 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:22,680 Speaker 1: this way, but I decided to settle with my husband, 406 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:28,800 Speaker 1: and that phrasing. I remember thinking like, well, I don't 407 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:32,480 Speaker 1: know that I wanted. That would make me feel bad. Well, 408 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:35,240 Speaker 1: I would agree settle. We don't want to settle anywhere, 409 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:39,760 Speaker 1: because that's not that's not a foundational, strong foundation to 410 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:41,520 Speaker 1: start or like I thought it was, would be a 411 00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:45,040 Speaker 1: better idea to end up with this. It was something 412 00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:47,439 Speaker 1: along those lines, But I remember reading it and thinking 413 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:51,159 Speaker 1: that wouldn't sit that great with me. Now that I 414 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:56,560 Speaker 1: would agree settled is not the right word, and choosing 415 00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:59,480 Speaker 1: because it would it's maybe the better decision other people 416 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,720 Speaker 1: would think gets a better decision. You need to be 417 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,720 Speaker 1: confident in your own decision and your own choice of 418 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:08,000 Speaker 1: who do you see yourself building a life with. Yeah, so, 419 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,280 Speaker 1: I mean I don't have a definitive answer on that. 420 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:12,280 Speaker 1: If it were to ever come up in my life, 421 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:14,480 Speaker 1: we will talk about it and I'll give you my answer, 422 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:18,399 Speaker 1: but I can only do hypotheticals on that. Um, All right, 423 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:21,080 Speaker 1: what are your thoughts on porn? Is it okay for 424 00:23:21,119 --> 00:23:24,920 Speaker 1: your spouse or partner to watch porn without you. Well, 425 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,639 Speaker 1: porn's an interesting one. It's a little bit challenging. It 426 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:31,240 Speaker 1: can spice some relationships up. But sometimes, you know, porn 427 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:33,600 Speaker 1: can be a little unrealistic. I don't know about you. 428 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:39,000 Speaker 1: I mean, you're in great shape, but maybe maybe you 429 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:43,159 Speaker 1: can stand on your head and put yourself in crazy positions. 430 00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:45,800 Speaker 1: I like that you think that about me. But um, 431 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,920 Speaker 1: you know a lot of people what we see related 432 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:53,160 Speaker 1: in porn isn't always realistic and uh and so sometimes 433 00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:56,840 Speaker 1: it can affect the relationship and uh and intimacy in 434 00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:00,080 Speaker 1: the long term actually can suffer. Where if you can 435 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,120 Speaker 1: just explore with each other and have conversations about our 436 00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:07,840 Speaker 1: sexuality and what we like, what we don't like, try 437 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:11,679 Speaker 1: fund things, bring fun games into the room, I think 438 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:16,000 Speaker 1: it's a lot healthier. Um, porn you know sometimes can start, 439 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:19,200 Speaker 1: you know, create a divide. It can create a divide. 440 00:24:19,359 --> 00:24:22,080 Speaker 1: What if you're watching porn together, I mean, if you're 441 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:24,560 Speaker 1: watching it together, I guess it's a you know, somewhat 442 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:27,200 Speaker 1: similar to a type of a game and a role 443 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:29,719 Speaker 1: playing But why not just do it together? Why not 444 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,480 Speaker 1: create your own role play together? So if you're somebody 445 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:36,160 Speaker 1: who's kind of gotten into a situation in their relationship 446 00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:40,000 Speaker 1: where it has gotten a little bit of it's staying 447 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:43,080 Speaker 1: the same. How do you branch out and learn about 448 00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:47,400 Speaker 1: trying new things without I mean, what are what are 449 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:51,280 Speaker 1: some methods that people can kind of branch out from 450 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:56,000 Speaker 1: other than this unrealistic porn watching? Right, So I love 451 00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:59,399 Speaker 1: um Dr John and Julie Gottman's work. Um. They have 452 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,560 Speaker 1: what's called that Got Sex Program UM. But one of 453 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:05,600 Speaker 1: the things they've built is an app. Of course there's 454 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:10,639 Speaker 1: an app for that, right, but their app, the gott 455 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:14,680 Speaker 1: Men card decks are fabulous because they have mild, medium, 456 00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:18,000 Speaker 1: and spicy things you can do with your partner and 457 00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:21,400 Speaker 1: questions to ask men about sex and questions to ask 458 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,240 Speaker 1: women about sex. Sometimes if we just can learn to 459 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:27,520 Speaker 1: talk about it, um, and we need a little guidance sometimes. 460 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,199 Speaker 1: I mean, we're pretty sexualized culture, but yet we have 461 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:34,280 Speaker 1: a hard time talking about sex and especially with our partners. Um. 462 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:36,320 Speaker 1: So the cards are really great because it will start 463 00:25:36,359 --> 00:25:39,520 Speaker 1: the conversation. And I guess you fund activities to try out. 464 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:44,600 Speaker 1: And is it normal for sex drive to decrease over time? Yes? 465 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:49,720 Speaker 1: Sex drive can or hormones can impact that. However, if 466 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:54,440 Speaker 1: we're nurturing an emotional relationship with our partner, that tends 467 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:56,840 Speaker 1: to keep the sex drive you know, a little bit 468 00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,840 Speaker 1: more connected. Do you often see that either men or 469 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:03,080 Speaker 1: women or does it not make a difference who has 470 00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:07,320 Speaker 1: a higher sex drive based on gender? Yeah, you know, 471 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,920 Speaker 1: I certainly see couples all the time in my practice 472 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:12,000 Speaker 1: that the woman has a higher sex drive than the man. 473 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:14,840 Speaker 1: You know, it's not always the other way around. Yes, 474 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:17,960 Speaker 1: men sometimes have much higher sex drive, especially with women 475 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,920 Speaker 1: when we get you know, kids in the picture, our 476 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:25,400 Speaker 1: minds divided. Um, sometimes that can be affected or hormones 477 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:28,280 Speaker 1: can change effective, but it can be one. Is it 478 00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:31,720 Speaker 1: common that, like your sex drive goes up when you're pregnant? Oh? Yes, 479 00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:35,760 Speaker 1: I am like, it's ridiculous and it's like a situation 480 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:39,160 Speaker 1: and I'm like, and it's not even I mean, let's 481 00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:41,440 Speaker 1: be there's no poor and work happening here. I mean, 482 00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:44,000 Speaker 1: this is but I'm like, what is the problem. It'll 483 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:45,919 Speaker 1: be like mid day and I'm like, why am I 484 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,639 Speaker 1: thinking about this right now? You know, hormones are great, 485 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:51,640 Speaker 1: and hey, you're already pregnant, so you don't have to work, 486 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,920 Speaker 1: so it's free sex, you know. And then you get 487 00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:58,000 Speaker 1: to menopause and sometimes you think this is Mother Nature's 488 00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:00,280 Speaker 1: cruel thing because like your sex drive and you're in 489 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:04,199 Speaker 1: menopause as a woman, man game on every day walking 490 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:07,520 Speaker 1: through the door. I'm like come on, and they're like, wait, 491 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:11,359 Speaker 1: I'm tired. But you would think like it's my sex 492 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:15,240 Speaker 1: drive has increased more in my third trimester than it 493 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,600 Speaker 1: was in the first or second. So I'm like, what 494 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:19,520 Speaker 1: is this because I mean, I have to tell you 495 00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:21,119 Speaker 1: it is hard for me to get up from this 496 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:24,280 Speaker 1: chair and walk to the restroom, So like, what is 497 00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:28,600 Speaker 1: it about hormones that I'm just confused? Yeah? Well you 498 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,680 Speaker 1: know what. Also, we know that, you know, sex can 499 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,080 Speaker 1: help us go into labor later in life, so you 500 00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:38,119 Speaker 1: think we like that's my like actual message. Like in 501 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:40,359 Speaker 1: my mind, I'm like, well, if I do this, then 502 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:43,200 Speaker 1: I'm gonna have an easier delivery. That's like my women's 503 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:48,680 Speaker 1: intuition happening. Yep, yep, all right, I'll take it. Um. So, 504 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:54,680 Speaker 1: what are some natural aphrodisiacs. Oh, there's lots of them 505 00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:59,200 Speaker 1: out there? Is that bad that? I'm like, what's an google? 506 00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:03,399 Speaker 1: I need to act? Will definition. Uh. You know the 507 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:08,840 Speaker 1: classics of course are oysters, chocolate. Um, there's some really 508 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:13,880 Speaker 1: fabulous Chinese herbs. Um. You know, I think that one 509 00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:18,560 Speaker 1: of the biggest aphrodisiacs usually is communication, you know that sense, 510 00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:22,439 Speaker 1: and it's feeling emotionally connected with the person to be 511 00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:26,280 Speaker 1: truly seen. Um is probably one of the biggest aphrodis 512 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:29,399 Speaker 1: But then how comes sometimes makeup sex or hate sex 513 00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:32,840 Speaker 1: is such a big deal, ah, because you know you've 514 00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:34,919 Speaker 1: hopefully you've worked it out, and you feel like the 515 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:38,440 Speaker 1: other person finally understands why I was so upset, and 516 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:40,560 Speaker 1: then you throw a little bit of adrenaline, a little 517 00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:43,400 Speaker 1: bit of testosterone in when we have a conflict, we're 518 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:47,000 Speaker 1: getting testosterone, and so yeah, we feel a little bit heated, 519 00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:51,840 Speaker 1: and so we like to go at it afterwards. All right, Okay, Um, 520 00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:55,080 Speaker 1: now this one I can actually kind of relate to 521 00:28:55,240 --> 00:29:00,120 Speaker 1: because when I was really um struggling about how is 522 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,320 Speaker 1: feeling about myself and I was really having a lot 523 00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:06,479 Speaker 1: of like like negative self talk. Um, this woman had 524 00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:08,960 Speaker 1: written in I'm scared for my partner to see me naked, 525 00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,120 Speaker 1: so I always have sex in the dark or with 526 00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:16,920 Speaker 1: a T shirt. Do you think it's ruining it for him. Yeah. Well, 527 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:19,720 Speaker 1: you know, if we're not confident about our own body, 528 00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:21,880 Speaker 1: you know, no matter what size we are, we're going 529 00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:25,040 Speaker 1: to go through different sizes and certainly you know, unfortunately 530 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:27,800 Speaker 1: we live in a world that shows us perfect images 531 00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:31,040 Speaker 1: all the time on Instagram, which we know are filtered. 532 00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:34,200 Speaker 1: They're not always real. Um So, really being able to 533 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,920 Speaker 1: be comfortable with our own self and our own skin, 534 00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:40,040 Speaker 1: you know, is important for our partner. And our partner 535 00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:43,720 Speaker 1: you know, they've they're accepting us, they're loving us. That's 536 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:46,800 Speaker 1: the good, the bad, and the ugly moments of Hey, 537 00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:49,000 Speaker 1: I take you no matter how you look. You know 538 00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:52,600 Speaker 1: why I crazy in the morning time, you know, bad breath. 539 00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:55,440 Speaker 1: I love you, you know, and it doesn't matter how 540 00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:58,760 Speaker 1: you look. I'm connected to something deeper than this outer 541 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:02,760 Speaker 1: external well something that you said you just said, bad breath. So, 542 00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:06,320 Speaker 1: I mean, I know some people who like their their 543 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:09,200 Speaker 1: morning sex people, but they will constantly say like oh 544 00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:11,800 Speaker 1: my husband or my wife, like does it kill the 545 00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:13,719 Speaker 1: moment to say like babe, can you go brush your 546 00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:19,280 Speaker 1: teeth first? Well it doesn't, I mean, but really you 547 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,800 Speaker 1: want to have sex, but like you can't pop. I mean, 548 00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:25,880 Speaker 1: I could kind of sympathize that, like maybe sometimes you'd 549 00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:29,000 Speaker 1: want them to go for a quick freshion. Well, you know, 550 00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:33,680 Speaker 1: listerine strips by your bad perfect for the morning. Pop 551 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:37,120 Speaker 1: that in roll over your You're a real problem solver. 552 00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:41,240 Speaker 1: I like that. Okay, so breath strips, guys. Um, is 553 00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:45,880 Speaker 1: there such thing as too much sex? What? Too much secks? No, 554 00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:49,160 Speaker 1: so there's no. But how do you know if somebody's 555 00:30:49,240 --> 00:30:52,560 Speaker 1: ranging on like a sex addiction. Okay, so if we're 556 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,360 Speaker 1: thinking about sex and we're not getting work done or 557 00:30:55,600 --> 00:31:00,520 Speaker 1: we're popping into the bathroom at work, um, you know, 558 00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:03,560 Speaker 1: hey might be a little bit you know, out of 559 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:06,160 Speaker 1: control and we might be a little bit on the 560 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:09,560 Speaker 1: addicted sign. But if if you have a partner who 561 00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:13,320 Speaker 1: is constantly like riding you for sex, like every single day, 562 00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:15,000 Speaker 1: they're like, oh, we're gonna have sex, We're gonna have sex, 563 00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:17,640 Speaker 1: We're gonna have sex. Like I have friends who that 564 00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:20,280 Speaker 1: has how their partner and they're like, yeah, it's flattering 565 00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:22,880 Speaker 1: to a point, but at some point it's like, now 566 00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:24,800 Speaker 1: you make me feel bad because I don't want to 567 00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,280 Speaker 1: have sex two times a day, you know, ten years 568 00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:30,720 Speaker 1: into marriage. Again goes back to the communication. What's going 569 00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:34,719 Speaker 1: on that we're just focused on the sex piece versus 570 00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:38,840 Speaker 1: our relationship piece, you know, And so if we can 571 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:41,400 Speaker 1: get underneath the surface. Yeah, we all have a sex 572 00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:44,520 Speaker 1: drive and some have higher sex drives, but what's really 573 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:46,840 Speaker 1: going on that that's the most important part of our 574 00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:53,560 Speaker 1: relationship versus building this life? Alright, So communication, guys, it's key. 575 00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:55,400 Speaker 1: No matter we want to have it or not, we 576 00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:58,320 Speaker 1: have to talk about it. Gets to the route this 577 00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:01,680 Speaker 1: one all. So, I think a lot of us can 578 00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:05,600 Speaker 1: can relate to. It's my wife always seems exhausted slash 579 00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:08,000 Speaker 1: miserable after taking care of the kids all day when 580 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:10,240 Speaker 1: I get home from work and then wonders why I 581 00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:14,560 Speaker 1: don't want to have sex with her? M hm. So 582 00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:18,640 Speaker 1: what are some tools if they're I mean, believe me, 583 00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:22,840 Speaker 1: when you're raising kids and you're exhausted and like, if 584 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:26,000 Speaker 1: you know, I can I can completely relate to this. 585 00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:28,320 Speaker 1: Some days, like the last thing in your mind you 586 00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:30,720 Speaker 1: want to like put on a fake smile and be like, hey, 587 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:34,080 Speaker 1: it was the best day ever. But what are some 588 00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:37,000 Speaker 1: ways that you can kind of spice it up for 589 00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:40,000 Speaker 1: your partner or how how can somebody even be self 590 00:32:40,040 --> 00:32:43,440 Speaker 1: aware that they may be doing this. Yeah, well, you 591 00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:46,040 Speaker 1: know this comes back to again, are we keeping the 592 00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:50,160 Speaker 1: romance of our relationship alive in a healthy way? Are 593 00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:54,880 Speaker 1: we creating and setting aside sacred time for our relationship? 594 00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:57,560 Speaker 1: Are we making a time to have a date? You know, 595 00:32:57,600 --> 00:32:59,880 Speaker 1: because if I know I have a date with my partner, 596 00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:02,840 Speaker 1: I'm looking forward to that. Um. We think of when 597 00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:05,840 Speaker 1: those dating years, you know, we would look about look 598 00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:09,040 Speaker 1: at oh gosh, what outfit am I gonna wear? How 599 00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:11,680 Speaker 1: am I gonna do my hair? Um? Where are we 600 00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:14,640 Speaker 1: going to be going? There's excitement that's there. So if 601 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:17,360 Speaker 1: we're setting up in the week a sacred time that 602 00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:19,880 Speaker 1: we're looking forward to, um, we're a little bit more 603 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:22,480 Speaker 1: excited when our partner gets home to talk about, Hey, 604 00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:24,040 Speaker 1: what are we gonna do on our date this week? 605 00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:26,360 Speaker 1: So they should schedule a date for their wife and 606 00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:28,719 Speaker 1: that type of thing. I I work in a business 607 00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:31,640 Speaker 1: health and wellness, and I help held people accountable to 608 00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:34,760 Speaker 1: their health and fitness goals and people men will approach 609 00:33:34,840 --> 00:33:36,800 Speaker 1: me on the street when they know what what I do, 610 00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:40,080 Speaker 1: and they'll go, hey, can you help my wife? Hey, 611 00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:42,520 Speaker 1: can you help my wife? She hasn't been feeling that 612 00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:45,440 Speaker 1: good about herself and so it's affected our sex life 613 00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:48,040 Speaker 1: where it's affected you know, her asking for that raise 614 00:33:48,080 --> 00:33:50,840 Speaker 1: at work? Can you help her? I'm like, well, does 615 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:54,160 Speaker 1: your wife want to make a change. I can assure 616 00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:57,760 Speaker 1: you if it's you pushing her, it's not gonna be 617 00:33:58,080 --> 00:33:59,920 Speaker 1: I'm not going to be able to help her. I 618 00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:02,360 Speaker 1: I'm actually going to drive a wedge in between your marriage. 619 00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:05,520 Speaker 1: But she has to be ready. And oftentimes they'll say 620 00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:08,040 Speaker 1: to me, well, how do we make her ready before 621 00:34:08,040 --> 00:34:12,080 Speaker 1: our marriage fails? Because how do we make correctly? What 622 00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:16,080 Speaker 1: is that answer? If somebody, you know, it's just kind 623 00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:19,640 Speaker 1: of miserable, uncomfortable in their own skin and not feeling good, 624 00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:23,880 Speaker 1: how do you, as a partner lift the other partner 625 00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:26,640 Speaker 1: up by helping them make that change, but without pushing 626 00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:30,320 Speaker 1: them and driving a wedge in your relationship? Oh my gosh. 627 00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:34,160 Speaker 1: You know again, it's the It's the key word communication. 628 00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:38,680 Speaker 1: It's talking about small things often and doing small things, 629 00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:43,200 Speaker 1: you know, building a culture of appreciation, telling your partner, hey, 630 00:34:43,239 --> 00:34:45,560 Speaker 1: I really appreciate how much you're there for our kids, 631 00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:48,560 Speaker 1: or appreciate how much you are there for our relationship, 632 00:34:48,960 --> 00:34:52,600 Speaker 1: respecting each other. Um again, talking about things that are 633 00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:56,080 Speaker 1: not just about your relationship but finding out about their interests. 634 00:34:56,120 --> 00:34:59,759 Speaker 1: But how do you if somebody says, like you know 635 00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:04,120 Speaker 1: their husband, I feel miserable, I'm tired, I don't feel good. 636 00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:07,759 Speaker 1: I don't like looking at myself in the mirror. What 637 00:35:07,840 --> 00:35:11,040 Speaker 1: does a husband respond to keep the intimacy alive? Like, 638 00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:13,239 Speaker 1: if my husband responds, will do something about it? I'd 639 00:35:13,239 --> 00:35:16,120 Speaker 1: be like, go f yourself? You know? So what are 640 00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:19,319 Speaker 1: some actual things they can say? How can I help? 641 00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:23,080 Speaker 1: I love you just the way you are, but I 642 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:25,040 Speaker 1: see that you're not happy with your own self? How 643 00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:28,240 Speaker 1: can I help? What can I do is there's something 644 00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:30,359 Speaker 1: I can do on the weekend so you can get 645 00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:33,600 Speaker 1: out and do something that brings joy to you. That 646 00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:36,600 Speaker 1: is so instead of coming up with a solution, you 647 00:35:36,680 --> 00:35:39,200 Speaker 1: ask how can I help? And then you're not trying 648 00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:42,520 Speaker 1: to be a fixer. So good. We have to take 649 00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:44,120 Speaker 1: a break on that, and then we're going to come 650 00:35:44,120 --> 00:35:49,360 Speaker 1: back with uh Leela Darville, who empowers individuals to embrace 651 00:35:49,440 --> 00:36:03,239 Speaker 1: their sexuality and discover their most authentic expression in sex. Hililu. 652 00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:06,600 Speaker 1: Welcome to Teddy t pid Hi. Thanks for having me, 653 00:36:06,880 --> 00:36:09,040 Speaker 1: Thanks so much for coming on. Do you mind telling 654 00:36:09,040 --> 00:36:13,080 Speaker 1: our listeners a little bit about yourself. Sure, Yeah. Um, 655 00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:16,839 Speaker 1: I'm Leadville and I'm a sexan intimacy coach and I'm 656 00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:19,760 Speaker 1: also the hot of the host, one of the hosts 657 00:36:19,800 --> 00:36:22,799 Speaker 1: of Intimate Knowledge, which is the podcast with books, book 658 00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:28,520 Speaker 1: and maybe King Edmunds, and I work with predominantly women 659 00:36:29,160 --> 00:36:34,000 Speaker 1: in my practice. I worked one on one and in workshops, um, 660 00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:37,680 Speaker 1: and I really helped provide the tools for women to 661 00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:43,719 Speaker 1: access their authentic expression in sex and whatever that is 662 00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:46,680 Speaker 1: for them. Very cool. And I know you have a 663 00:36:46,680 --> 00:36:50,200 Speaker 1: couple of kids yourself, right, I do. I'm a mom 664 00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:52,440 Speaker 1: of two boys. I have a six year old and 665 00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:55,200 Speaker 1: I have a two year old, and so um. Since 666 00:36:55,239 --> 00:36:57,520 Speaker 1: becoming a mom, a lot of my work in the 667 00:36:57,560 --> 00:37:02,440 Speaker 1: sexuality realm has been around it's the weaving in sexuality 668 00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:06,920 Speaker 1: and motherhood, which is generally a topic that is um 669 00:37:07,239 --> 00:37:11,239 Speaker 1: or not combined. Really, it was actually the number one 670 00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:15,280 Speaker 1: question asked by my listeners was how to keep intimacy 671 00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:20,719 Speaker 1: alive after kids? Yeah, I mean it's well, a lot 672 00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:22,239 Speaker 1: of the time, what we're trying to do is reach 673 00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:25,600 Speaker 1: back into into time to the way that it was 674 00:37:25,719 --> 00:37:28,759 Speaker 1: before we had children. Um. And the thing is we're 675 00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:32,680 Speaker 1: just when we become one, so many things shift in 676 00:37:32,719 --> 00:37:36,560 Speaker 1: the relationship dynamic, but also just with our personal identity 677 00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:41,879 Speaker 1: and socially. I really feel that motherhood and sexuality isn't 678 00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:45,160 Speaker 1: intertwined um, and they kind of juxtaposed, and so it 679 00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:49,000 Speaker 1: can be really difficult to integrate our sexual selves with 680 00:37:49,080 --> 00:37:52,920 Speaker 1: our maternal sells. And that's the pro that kind of 681 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:59,200 Speaker 1: process um kind of flows out during motherhood and about 682 00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:03,560 Speaker 1: the you're in process of motherhood, I feel, so, how 683 00:38:03,680 --> 00:38:07,719 Speaker 1: do you keep the desire to be intimate with your 684 00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:11,879 Speaker 1: significant other after kids, especially when you're busy or you're 685 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:15,560 Speaker 1: tired or what are some tips? Yeah? Absolutely, I mean 686 00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:17,839 Speaker 1: brotherhood in the way that we do it today is 687 00:38:17,920 --> 00:38:22,240 Speaker 1: completely can be completely overwhelming. I know for myself, I 688 00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:27,359 Speaker 1: enter that kind of overwhelmed period a lot during my day. 689 00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:31,080 Speaker 1: Feelings of like being touched out is a huge one 690 00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:33,839 Speaker 1: when I like when you're breastfeeding or when you've got 691 00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:35,960 Speaker 1: a little babe and they're always on you and when 692 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:38,760 Speaker 1: you go to the bathroom, So it can be overwhelming 693 00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:41,640 Speaker 1: and there's just so many things to do, and so 694 00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:45,040 Speaker 1: I looked at more when I when I talk about 695 00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:48,560 Speaker 1: pleasure and really talking, I'll talk about pleasure in the moment, 696 00:38:48,600 --> 00:38:51,879 Speaker 1: but pleasure as in things that feel good that it's 697 00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:54,880 Speaker 1: self experience of enjoyment. And I feel the more that 698 00:38:54,960 --> 00:38:59,160 Speaker 1: we can anchor ourselves in that sense, that feeling of 699 00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:03,480 Speaker 1: pleasure out our day, then these kind of things with 700 00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:06,680 Speaker 1: the kids and the over one that we experience with 701 00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:11,719 Speaker 1: the way that we mother become way more manageable. And 702 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:17,000 Speaker 1: so practice pleasure as an experience. Can you give me, 703 00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:20,959 Speaker 1: Can you give me some like, I don't know, tips 704 00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:24,960 Speaker 1: or suggestions on how to practice pleasure. Yeah, I mean 705 00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:28,160 Speaker 1: it's always it comes back to sensuality. So it comes 706 00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:31,520 Speaker 1: back to instead of like all these external things that 707 00:39:31,560 --> 00:39:35,319 Speaker 1: are going on coming into your own body, occupying your 708 00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:39,040 Speaker 1: body and having that felt experience of pleasure. So it 709 00:39:39,080 --> 00:39:43,680 Speaker 1: could be just taking a moment to pause and just 710 00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:48,120 Speaker 1: for a moment and feel the sun kind of hit 711 00:39:48,160 --> 00:39:51,839 Speaker 1: your skin and the experience of doubt, or taking your 712 00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:55,760 Speaker 1: shower and really absorbing yourself in the joy of having 713 00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:58,719 Speaker 1: a shower and that moment to yourself, and then when 714 00:39:58,760 --> 00:40:02,000 Speaker 1: you go back into engaging externally with your kids and 715 00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:05,960 Speaker 1: with your with your partner, becomes much more manageable. So 716 00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:10,560 Speaker 1: it's just a pleasure as experienced as a practice. Right, 717 00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:15,120 Speaker 1: that does make sense. Yeah, And it's not like because 718 00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:18,799 Speaker 1: I'm always afraid to give especially moms another thing to 719 00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:22,439 Speaker 1: do on they're they're busy to do list throughout their days, 720 00:40:22,480 --> 00:40:25,440 Speaker 1: and so it really is just taking these small moments 721 00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:31,239 Speaker 1: to take address and be with ourselves and be occupieding 722 00:40:31,239 --> 00:40:33,880 Speaker 1: in our body rather than doing all the stuff and 723 00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:36,640 Speaker 1: especially to do. And especially if you've fallen out of 724 00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:40,520 Speaker 1: the pattern of like having consistent, you know, spontaneous sex 725 00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:43,279 Speaker 1: with your partner, how do you get back into it? 726 00:40:43,360 --> 00:40:45,759 Speaker 1: You know, you can almost start to fall like it 727 00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:48,800 Speaker 1: almost becomes like the uncomfortable because it's been a while 728 00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:53,000 Speaker 1: or now each continent, So how do you work through that? 729 00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:57,239 Speaker 1: So I have to say with this one, it's I 730 00:40:57,280 --> 00:40:59,799 Speaker 1: think we have to recognize just how we are mother 731 00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:02,239 Speaker 1: these days where we don't don't A lot of us 732 00:41:02,280 --> 00:41:05,960 Speaker 1: don't have a lot of support um and so it 733 00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:09,560 Speaker 1: can be a very isolating experience. And so I feel 734 00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:12,680 Speaker 1: like mothers definitely need more more support or some foremost 735 00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:16,439 Speaker 1: um and when it comes to their partners, I don't 736 00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:19,719 Speaker 1: think I really don't feel there's enough of a conversation 737 00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:26,359 Speaker 1: around how um we heal after birth. And so there's 738 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,640 Speaker 1: this expert like, for instance, when I was having a baby, 739 00:41:28,719 --> 00:41:32,520 Speaker 1: I was told, after six weeks, you can now have 740 00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:38,319 Speaker 1: penetrative sex, and and that's all all of the conversation 741 00:41:38,560 --> 00:41:40,680 Speaker 1: that I had was around, oh yeah, just just wait 742 00:41:40,719 --> 00:41:43,120 Speaker 1: six weeks and you'll be fine. But there's there's so 743 00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:47,799 Speaker 1: many other things that play UM and and so one 744 00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:50,720 Speaker 1: of the one thing that I usually tell for women 745 00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:54,759 Speaker 1: because they usually when they engage with their partner and 746 00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:58,840 Speaker 1: the intimacy, they feel that it's going in one direction, 747 00:41:58,920 --> 00:42:03,120 Speaker 1: which is usually sex equals intercourse. And after becoming a mom, 748 00:42:03,239 --> 00:42:08,160 Speaker 1: it can be UM that may not be desirable, like 749 00:42:08,239 --> 00:42:11,239 Speaker 1: they can be you still healing, it could be birth 750 00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:14,560 Speaker 1: trauma UM that just feels like too much, just too 751 00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:17,799 Speaker 1: much for our systems. And so I a lot of 752 00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:20,799 Speaker 1: the time with new mums or even mums that just 753 00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:23,960 Speaker 1: haven't healed from or birth experience fully as they take 754 00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:27,760 Speaker 1: pennotation off the table. So that's engaging with your partner 755 00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:32,160 Speaker 1: intimately and in sexual place that isn't gold, but that 756 00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:34,880 Speaker 1: doesn't have an agenda, but it's not going from A 757 00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:38,600 Speaker 1: to B to C and then we end in connotation. 758 00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:44,120 Speaker 1: So that's a huge one is creating this um space 759 00:42:44,280 --> 00:42:49,640 Speaker 1: for play and for curiosity that isn't goal oriented, but 760 00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:53,200 Speaker 1: isn't going to anyone particular place. Because a lot of 761 00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:56,480 Speaker 1: women when they become nuns or are in the mothering, 762 00:42:57,160 --> 00:43:00,759 Speaker 1: it's um. It's like any kind kind of touch that 763 00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:04,120 Speaker 1: he is going in that direction they don't want. I 764 00:43:04,120 --> 00:43:05,880 Speaker 1: don't know if you have that experience, but for me, 765 00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:09,040 Speaker 1: it's like sometimes I can just feel completely touched out, 766 00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:13,319 Speaker 1: completely spent, and then to be giving of myself in 767 00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:16,239 Speaker 1: that way with my partner it's just like another place 768 00:43:16,280 --> 00:43:20,879 Speaker 1: where I'm giving. So so the most important thing is 769 00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:24,320 Speaker 1: to create a space where it's just where you're saving 770 00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:27,719 Speaker 1: that's something that feels really good and nourishing to you. 771 00:43:28,200 --> 00:43:30,680 Speaker 1: And sometimes it doesn't look like having sex that's we've 772 00:43:30,719 --> 00:43:33,560 Speaker 1: known it to be before. So it's kind of opening 773 00:43:33,560 --> 00:43:38,319 Speaker 1: your eyes to new possibilities and changing things up absolutely. 774 00:43:38,719 --> 00:43:40,960 Speaker 1: And what about if it's has nothing to do with 775 00:43:41,040 --> 00:43:43,680 Speaker 1: kids and you're just in a sex route with your partner, 776 00:43:44,400 --> 00:43:47,239 Speaker 1: Well with this with the sex, I also think it's 777 00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:49,680 Speaker 1: the same kind of thing. It's like, well, whatever is 778 00:43:49,719 --> 00:43:52,960 Speaker 1: on off that isn't it desirable anymore? And usually we 779 00:43:53,120 --> 00:43:56,560 Speaker 1: have a default insects, Like we know what's going to happen. 780 00:43:56,560 --> 00:43:59,560 Speaker 1: We know the play m we know the route that 781 00:43:59,800 --> 00:44:02,239 Speaker 1: you really go to orgasm or how he gets off 782 00:44:02,280 --> 00:44:06,680 Speaker 1: for um or how our partners you know, wants their pleasure. 783 00:44:07,120 --> 00:44:09,759 Speaker 1: And so when we love, like I kind of liken 784 00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:12,600 Speaker 1: it to go into Paris. Like imagine if all you 785 00:44:12,680 --> 00:44:14,560 Speaker 1: did every time you went to Paris you went to 786 00:44:14,560 --> 00:44:17,319 Speaker 1: see the Useles paler Um, which is the act car 787 00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:20,880 Speaker 1: of the moaning. It's great, but after the tense or 788 00:44:20,880 --> 00:44:23,680 Speaker 1: certain time or going to the gisle's power adjust to 789 00:44:23,719 --> 00:44:26,120 Speaker 1: the ass to tell every single time that one route 790 00:44:26,640 --> 00:44:28,960 Speaker 1: it becomes less desirable, Like you have less of an 791 00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:30,880 Speaker 1: inclination to ever want to go to Paris because you 792 00:44:30,920 --> 00:44:33,480 Speaker 1: know what that experience is going to be. So it's 793 00:44:33,520 --> 00:44:38,640 Speaker 1: about broadening the possibility in the sexual experience. How does 794 00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:41,279 Speaker 1: somebody do that? Like if if if they're in a 795 00:44:41,320 --> 00:44:43,839 Speaker 1: place where they've done the same thing for fifteen years 796 00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:46,880 Speaker 1: with their partner and now they want to start to broaden, 797 00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:49,439 Speaker 1: how do you even start that conversation? What are things 798 00:44:49,520 --> 00:44:53,680 Speaker 1: that you do? Like, what are actual tools to make 799 00:44:53,719 --> 00:44:57,960 Speaker 1: those changes? Yeah, having like communicating is one of the 800 00:44:58,000 --> 00:45:03,040 Speaker 1: biggest hurdles to create eating the experiences that we want. Um, 801 00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:05,759 Speaker 1: this is I'm The reasons I love the podcast that 802 00:45:05,840 --> 00:45:09,560 Speaker 1: I'm doing as well is because it cracks open that 803 00:45:09,640 --> 00:45:13,200 Speaker 1: conversation and also takes sex out of the taboo. And 804 00:45:13,239 --> 00:45:16,239 Speaker 1: also people can listen to other people's stories about what 805 00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:19,680 Speaker 1: they're experiencing sexually and they don't feel so alone. So 806 00:45:20,520 --> 00:45:23,600 Speaker 1: it's and it's not so shameful to be experiencing what 807 00:45:23,640 --> 00:45:27,000 Speaker 1: you're experiencing. So it kind of starts unraveled the shame 808 00:45:27,120 --> 00:45:30,120 Speaker 1: spiral as well. And so often we don't communicate what 809 00:45:30,160 --> 00:45:33,879 Speaker 1: we want with our partner because we're worried about how 810 00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:38,279 Speaker 1: they're going to receive that information, so we're where we're 811 00:45:38,280 --> 00:45:40,600 Speaker 1: going to hurt their feelings. Or if we say that 812 00:45:40,640 --> 00:45:42,399 Speaker 1: we want it like X, or we want to try 813 00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:45,080 Speaker 1: something new, then it means something about how we've been 814 00:45:45,120 --> 00:45:48,400 Speaker 1: doing it for the past six fifteen years. Um. But again, 815 00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:52,080 Speaker 1: it's really about bringing it into the realm of play. 816 00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:55,320 Speaker 1: Like imagine if you wanted to learn how to tango dance, 817 00:45:55,800 --> 00:45:58,680 Speaker 1: so you you put tango dance out in front of 818 00:45:58,719 --> 00:46:01,439 Speaker 1: you as this, how can we get from here to here? 819 00:46:01,920 --> 00:46:04,200 Speaker 1: And how can what steps do we need to take 820 00:46:04,400 --> 00:46:06,640 Speaker 1: and what do we need to get a coach? Do 821 00:46:06,719 --> 00:46:09,960 Speaker 1: we need to watch the videos? Like how could we 822 00:46:10,040 --> 00:46:12,480 Speaker 1: learn how to tango dance together? And usually in a 823 00:46:12,560 --> 00:46:16,319 Speaker 1: relationship that is in a sex right, both partners are 824 00:46:16,360 --> 00:46:19,840 Speaker 1: aware of it um and it just needs to be 825 00:46:19,920 --> 00:46:23,120 Speaker 1: spoken to. It's like all that needs to really be 826 00:46:23,200 --> 00:46:25,800 Speaker 1: said is you know, I really want it to be better, 827 00:46:26,239 --> 00:46:28,799 Speaker 1: like everybody. One thing I know for sure in my 828 00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:33,719 Speaker 1: job is that everybody wants more than they're currently experiencing, 829 00:46:33,719 --> 00:46:36,160 Speaker 1: whether even if they're having fantastic sex, they want to 830 00:46:36,160 --> 00:46:41,360 Speaker 1: be experiencing more. So it's saying to your partner that 831 00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:44,000 Speaker 1: you know, I really want this to be better. I 832 00:46:44,040 --> 00:46:46,760 Speaker 1: want to desire sex more and getting on the same 833 00:46:46,800 --> 00:46:49,880 Speaker 1: page as your partner is well. A lot of the 834 00:46:49,920 --> 00:46:52,680 Speaker 1: times we feel like odds with our partner, like we're 835 00:46:52,719 --> 00:46:55,680 Speaker 1: on opposite sides of a team. But when when you 836 00:46:56,080 --> 00:46:59,960 Speaker 1: get down to it, both partners usually want each other 837 00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:02,160 Speaker 1: with pleasures. They want to be in pleasure more, and 838 00:47:02,200 --> 00:47:06,319 Speaker 1: they want to give pleasure more, and they want to um, 839 00:47:06,440 --> 00:47:10,000 Speaker 1: they just want it to be great. So and most 840 00:47:10,200 --> 00:47:13,720 Speaker 1: if we're talking about male partners, which I talk about 841 00:47:14,160 --> 00:47:18,480 Speaker 1: of course with my female clients is that you know, 842 00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:23,200 Speaker 1: they want our deepest expression of pleasure. That's all they're 843 00:47:23,239 --> 00:47:25,319 Speaker 1: looking for. And so whatever is going to bring us 844 00:47:25,400 --> 00:47:29,720 Speaker 1: the most pleasure, they're all. They're up for it. And 845 00:47:29,719 --> 00:47:34,000 Speaker 1: and when we're have in these conversations with our male 846 00:47:34,040 --> 00:47:38,120 Speaker 1: part partners, it's really important that it's an invitation. That 847 00:47:38,200 --> 00:47:41,239 Speaker 1: it's not like you're doing this wrong and it's a criticism, 848 00:47:41,560 --> 00:47:44,960 Speaker 1: so they're actually it's actually an invitation, like I want 849 00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:48,920 Speaker 1: to discover what else is available in my body sexually? 850 00:47:49,160 --> 00:47:51,200 Speaker 1: Can you help me do that? Most men I know 851 00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:56,759 Speaker 1: put out their hands very quickly to be involved in that. Um. 852 00:47:56,920 --> 00:48:03,200 Speaker 1: So that's in the of invitation. Yes, and it is, 853 00:48:03,200 --> 00:48:05,600 Speaker 1: isn't it like if you're getting, if you're in more pleasure, 854 00:48:05,960 --> 00:48:08,040 Speaker 1: your partner is actually going to be getting exactly what 855 00:48:08,120 --> 00:48:15,040 Speaker 1: he what he wants, which is your authentic pleasure. And um, 856 00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:18,960 Speaker 1: and then need more guidance. They want the invitations to 857 00:48:19,080 --> 00:48:22,000 Speaker 1: be involved in it, and they want guidance because most 858 00:48:22,040 --> 00:48:24,080 Speaker 1: of them are just kind of doing what they've done 859 00:48:24,200 --> 00:48:27,920 Speaker 1: for with your with you, or doing something that they 860 00:48:27,920 --> 00:48:30,399 Speaker 1: did with someone else's foot work, or doing something that's 861 00:48:30,400 --> 00:48:33,359 Speaker 1: a very poorn So the more clues we can give 862 00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:39,279 Speaker 1: to what's happening in our bodies. Um, that makes sense. 863 00:48:39,360 --> 00:48:42,680 Speaker 1: What the next question actually makes me laugh? Um, is 864 00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:49,680 Speaker 1: oral sex necessary? What are your stuff? Is it necessary? 865 00:48:53,120 --> 00:49:00,239 Speaker 1: Because underneath but underneath that she's not loving it? Right? Yeah, 866 00:49:00,280 --> 00:49:04,440 Speaker 1: I mean I know for some people is absolutely necessary 867 00:49:04,520 --> 00:49:08,399 Speaker 1: and for other people it's not. UM. And I don't 868 00:49:08,440 --> 00:49:10,719 Speaker 1: know if she's referring to the giving or receiving part 869 00:49:11,320 --> 00:49:13,800 Speaker 1: of it. UM. And I know a lot of women 870 00:49:13,840 --> 00:49:17,080 Speaker 1: I work with actually don't love or or sex because 871 00:49:17,080 --> 00:49:20,560 Speaker 1: they're worried about how they look, how their volvers looks, 872 00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:23,960 Speaker 1: or they're worried about how they smell um, or they're 873 00:49:23,960 --> 00:49:26,600 Speaker 1: worried that their hair and they haven't showered or don't 874 00:49:26,600 --> 00:49:29,040 Speaker 1: wax or whatever. And so they can be like a 875 00:49:29,040 --> 00:49:31,200 Speaker 1: lot of existance to receiving or or sex because they 876 00:49:31,239 --> 00:49:33,239 Speaker 1: don't feel comfortable enough in their bodies. And so that 877 00:49:33,520 --> 00:49:36,520 Speaker 1: to me says that, okay, they need Then there's a 878 00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:40,799 Speaker 1: little bit of self love and self acceptance and UM 879 00:49:40,840 --> 00:49:44,520 Speaker 1: and maybe a little bit of re education around um, 880 00:49:44,719 --> 00:49:49,000 Speaker 1: what volvers look like and that we're not we are 881 00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:51,640 Speaker 1: so varied and different and what we see in the 882 00:49:51,760 --> 00:49:56,279 Speaker 1: media and porn definitely isn't they represtive representation of what, um, 883 00:49:56,560 --> 00:49:59,680 Speaker 1: the female anatomy looks like. Yeah, I mean like porn 884 00:49:59,800 --> 00:50:03,000 Speaker 1: is how Instagram is to people's daily lives these days. 885 00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:09,520 Speaker 1: It's like everybody, I say it lifestyle to one and 886 00:50:09,600 --> 00:50:11,759 Speaker 1: what do you think the I mean, I hate to 887 00:50:11,760 --> 00:50:13,279 Speaker 1: say the word average, but what do you think the 888 00:50:13,400 --> 00:50:17,960 Speaker 1: standard amount of times it's healthy to have sex a week? Like? 889 00:50:18,200 --> 00:50:22,560 Speaker 1: Is there that everybody don't know? It's so individual. You 890 00:50:22,600 --> 00:50:25,000 Speaker 1: can ask and you can ask someone to say, oh, 891 00:50:25,000 --> 00:50:28,479 Speaker 1: I'm having suck three times a week, and then someone 892 00:50:28,480 --> 00:50:31,320 Speaker 1: else can say, I'm it's amazing, I'm having six three times. 893 00:50:31,640 --> 00:50:35,080 Speaker 1: Like it's so varied and what our drive is and 894 00:50:35,080 --> 00:50:38,080 Speaker 1: and also it's not a constant thing in our sexuality. 895 00:50:38,480 --> 00:50:41,520 Speaker 1: It changes day to day over the time of space 896 00:50:41,600 --> 00:50:43,359 Speaker 1: of a week. And you say for the last time, 897 00:50:43,520 --> 00:50:48,240 Speaker 1: you know, we um, it really shi some changes through 898 00:50:48,600 --> 00:50:51,000 Speaker 1: throughout lifetime and the seasons that we go through and 899 00:50:51,040 --> 00:50:54,640 Speaker 1: the changes that we go through. So um, yeah, I 900 00:50:54,680 --> 00:50:56,960 Speaker 1: don't think there is a normal. Well I know, I 901 00:50:57,000 --> 00:51:00,320 Speaker 1: got a lot of heat. Um. Last year I said 902 00:51:00,920 --> 00:51:06,320 Speaker 1: publicly that my husband and I like schedule sex, which 903 00:51:06,360 --> 00:51:09,120 Speaker 1: I didn't really mean schedule sex but I met like 904 00:51:09,440 --> 00:51:11,640 Speaker 1: we will kind of like give each other the face, 905 00:51:11,840 --> 00:51:13,920 Speaker 1: like you know, like we'll know what's happening later, so 906 00:51:13,960 --> 00:51:16,640 Speaker 1: we look forward to it. And people had this like 907 00:51:16,760 --> 00:51:19,760 Speaker 1: huge reaction to it, like I can't believe youvend schedule 908 00:51:19,840 --> 00:51:22,440 Speaker 1: sex and blah blah blah. And then it came up 909 00:51:22,520 --> 00:51:26,080 Speaker 1: where my husband publicly said, they go, what's your favorite 910 00:51:26,120 --> 00:51:29,640 Speaker 1: thing about your wife? And his response was she's very organized, 911 00:51:29,680 --> 00:51:31,680 Speaker 1: and I was like, you know what, see it goes. 912 00:51:32,640 --> 00:51:37,320 Speaker 1: I appreciate that I'm scheduling, but I mean that there 913 00:51:37,360 --> 00:51:39,839 Speaker 1: really is the truth. I mean for me, I know 914 00:51:39,960 --> 00:51:42,160 Speaker 1: it gives us like a little pep in our step 915 00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:45,759 Speaker 1: if he's leaving for work or I'm leaving to drop 916 00:51:45,760 --> 00:51:48,959 Speaker 1: off the kids, and like, I mean, it sounds cheesy, 917 00:51:49,000 --> 00:51:50,839 Speaker 1: but one of one of us is like your mind 918 00:51:50,920 --> 00:51:53,640 Speaker 1: later or like something like that, but just a kind 919 00:51:53,640 --> 00:51:56,240 Speaker 1: of the tone for the day that like, it doesn't 920 00:51:56,280 --> 00:51:59,480 Speaker 1: have to be a negative thing to let your partner 921 00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:04,680 Speaker 1: know that you want them or you're interested in them exactly. 922 00:52:04,920 --> 00:52:07,520 Speaker 1: I think a lot of the negativity would come from 923 00:52:07,560 --> 00:52:10,280 Speaker 1: people who maybe don't have kids, don't run a business, 924 00:52:10,280 --> 00:52:14,000 Speaker 1: and don't run a household, like you know, lives are very, 925 00:52:14,120 --> 00:52:16,279 Speaker 1: very busy, and to think that sex is just going 926 00:52:16,320 --> 00:52:20,080 Speaker 1: to spontaneously you've happen and amongst all that you're dealing 927 00:52:20,080 --> 00:52:22,920 Speaker 1: with day to day, um, I think is a little 928 00:52:22,920 --> 00:52:29,040 Speaker 1: bit um naive. Um. And also it's also kind of 929 00:52:29,200 --> 00:52:32,239 Speaker 1: goes back to that idea of what people think great 930 00:52:32,280 --> 00:52:35,000 Speaker 1: sex is. A lot of people think great sex is 931 00:52:35,040 --> 00:52:38,440 Speaker 1: just like sex that kind of past them steamlessly, like 932 00:52:38,440 --> 00:52:42,319 Speaker 1: like uninterrupted, where where somebody mores exactly what it is 933 00:52:42,320 --> 00:52:44,600 Speaker 1: that you want and you don't have to communicate about it. 934 00:52:44,600 --> 00:52:48,720 Speaker 1: It's like you know that it just has is continuous, slow, 935 00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:52,640 Speaker 1: And I think great sex that actually is about connection 936 00:52:52,800 --> 00:52:55,680 Speaker 1: and if you can facilitate that connection by harving out 937 00:52:55,680 --> 00:52:58,680 Speaker 1: time a new day where you both know. Um, I 938 00:52:58,719 --> 00:53:02,040 Speaker 1: think it's wonderful when everybody's different. I mean it's not. 939 00:53:02,320 --> 00:53:05,080 Speaker 1: I don't think that great sex is just about sponsility. 940 00:53:05,480 --> 00:53:09,640 Speaker 1: So okay, thank you for validating me right there. I 941 00:53:09,680 --> 00:53:14,200 Speaker 1: really appreciate it. I at times when my life it's 942 00:53:14,320 --> 00:53:18,280 Speaker 1: full and really busy, and my relationship and and second 943 00:53:18,600 --> 00:53:21,360 Speaker 1: is obviously a priority in my life, then I prioritize it. 944 00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:25,719 Speaker 1: And the way that I do that is carving out time. Yeah, well, 945 00:53:25,800 --> 00:53:29,839 Speaker 1: how on that carving out time and being open and communicating. 946 00:53:30,080 --> 00:53:35,479 Speaker 1: How do you communicate if you aren't sexually satisfied? Yeah, 947 00:53:35,600 --> 00:53:37,520 Speaker 1: I mean I wouldn't go into it was like I'm 948 00:53:37,560 --> 00:53:42,920 Speaker 1: not satisfied. UM. I would always offer first the invitation 949 00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:50,400 Speaker 1: like I mentioned, but also UM suggestion UM, because it's 950 00:53:50,440 --> 00:53:53,000 Speaker 1: it's not about just pointing out the problems, but it's 951 00:53:53,040 --> 00:53:57,000 Speaker 1: also about saying it. This isn't new, this is this 952 00:53:57,160 --> 00:53:59,840 Speaker 1: is me, This is this is me that I'm working 953 00:54:00,120 --> 00:54:02,520 Speaker 1: is and I want you to be involved in it. 954 00:54:03,120 --> 00:54:07,080 Speaker 1: And UM, I definitely feel that the more that we 955 00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:09,560 Speaker 1: can and cre enter our own bodies and be in 956 00:54:09,560 --> 00:54:13,080 Speaker 1: our own bodies and know what's happening in terms of 957 00:54:13,120 --> 00:54:17,600 Speaker 1: our internal experience, UM, the better we can communicate that 958 00:54:17,760 --> 00:54:23,560 Speaker 1: with our partner. So UM, I really love UM self 959 00:54:23,600 --> 00:54:26,759 Speaker 1: pleasuring for this UM. Not as a way and oh 960 00:54:26,840 --> 00:54:29,839 Speaker 1: this is my quickest path for orgasm, but when you're 961 00:54:29,880 --> 00:54:32,640 Speaker 1: with your partner, you can kind of lead them and 962 00:54:32,800 --> 00:54:38,840 Speaker 1: lean into sensation and that is really pleasurable. So I 963 00:54:39,239 --> 00:54:42,560 Speaker 1: would say for this person to really develop a self 964 00:54:42,600 --> 00:54:46,239 Speaker 1: pleasuring practice. UM. I have a really great one on 965 00:54:46,280 --> 00:54:48,600 Speaker 1: my website if you want to check it out. UM, 966 00:54:49,520 --> 00:54:51,360 Speaker 1: I wrote a fee book about it, and so I 967 00:54:51,360 --> 00:54:54,400 Speaker 1: can send that to anyone who's really wanting to who's 968 00:54:54,440 --> 00:54:58,880 Speaker 1: kind of stuck and not knowing how to discover your pleasure. 969 00:54:59,480 --> 00:55:03,720 Speaker 1: Um and yeah, I really feel it is about knowing 970 00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:06,960 Speaker 1: your own pleasure so that you can then communicate it 971 00:55:06,960 --> 00:55:09,760 Speaker 1: with your partner, so you can properly communicate it, because 972 00:55:09,800 --> 00:55:13,360 Speaker 1: nobody wants to be given advice but not actually told 973 00:55:13,400 --> 00:55:16,800 Speaker 1: what they need to do. Yeah, I mean at least 974 00:55:16,840 --> 00:55:20,200 Speaker 1: have be able to guide somebody within the physical sense. 975 00:55:20,239 --> 00:55:25,480 Speaker 1: It's like imagine like getting but receiving a massage that 976 00:55:25,680 --> 00:55:28,160 Speaker 1: the depression not being right or not being in the 977 00:55:28,239 --> 00:55:34,560 Speaker 1: right spot and so being able to give that valuable feedback. Um, 978 00:55:34,600 --> 00:55:37,080 Speaker 1: and being comfortable enough to give that feedback as you 979 00:55:37,160 --> 00:55:40,279 Speaker 1: really know and are, like you're confident with your body 980 00:55:40,360 --> 00:55:44,360 Speaker 1: enough to be able to communicate it is everything. Um Yeah, 981 00:55:44,480 --> 00:55:47,760 Speaker 1: I think, like I said, many especially a male partners, 982 00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:52,440 Speaker 1: need more clue to how your body operates and what 983 00:55:52,640 --> 00:55:55,399 Speaker 1: feels good. They're kind of just stabbing in the dusk 984 00:55:55,480 --> 00:55:59,799 Speaker 1: to have really, unless you can give the fever, they're 985 00:55:59,840 --> 00:56:04,120 Speaker 1: just trying things on well, speaking to feedback, This next 986 00:56:04,200 --> 00:56:08,040 Speaker 1: question is my partner likes to talk dirty, but it 987 00:56:08,120 --> 00:56:10,960 Speaker 1: makes me uncomfortable because he's like a different person when 988 00:56:10,960 --> 00:56:13,720 Speaker 1: he does it. Help he wants me to do it back. 989 00:56:14,520 --> 00:56:22,239 Speaker 1: So if that's happening what so, Yeah, we spoke about 990 00:56:22,280 --> 00:56:26,680 Speaker 1: this one our podcast to about dirty talk. I would 991 00:56:26,719 --> 00:56:32,320 Speaker 1: say everybody has a different style, and um, it's he. 992 00:56:33,719 --> 00:56:39,360 Speaker 1: If it's putting you off, I would just request that 993 00:56:39,440 --> 00:56:44,439 Speaker 1: you would like to see that, yeah, that you would 994 00:56:44,480 --> 00:56:49,200 Speaker 1: like for doing what it's talking Yeah, exactly. I would 995 00:56:49,239 --> 00:56:51,239 Speaker 1: like you to do what you want to do to 996 00:56:51,320 --> 00:56:53,719 Speaker 1: me rather than bang it out rad. I just want 997 00:56:53,719 --> 00:56:56,840 Speaker 1: to say what that experience is black, um, and also 998 00:56:56,880 --> 00:57:02,080 Speaker 1: to get comfortable with with dirty talk. Um. I definitely 999 00:57:02,160 --> 00:57:05,799 Speaker 1: think vocalizing what's happening in your body is a really 1000 00:57:05,840 --> 00:57:08,760 Speaker 1: great way to be involved in the dirty talk without 1001 00:57:08,800 --> 00:57:11,880 Speaker 1: having to take it into like the daddy real like 1002 00:57:11,960 --> 00:57:13,759 Speaker 1: you know, like to give it to me daddy or 1003 00:57:14,280 --> 00:57:20,560 Speaker 1: do it like this now you know, like you don't 1004 00:57:20,600 --> 00:57:23,600 Speaker 1: have to go that far. I mean really just putting 1005 00:57:23,680 --> 00:57:25,960 Speaker 1: voice to what is happening in your body and what 1006 00:57:26,160 --> 00:57:30,320 Speaker 1: feels good. It's a really great way to participate with that. 1007 00:57:31,600 --> 00:57:36,920 Speaker 1: It's something that you feel comfortable work with, you know, No, 1008 00:57:37,080 --> 00:57:38,800 Speaker 1: I just want to say a lot of a lot 1009 00:57:38,840 --> 00:57:42,360 Speaker 1: of women have trouble articulating what they want sexually, and 1010 00:57:42,400 --> 00:57:45,600 Speaker 1: so a great way to kind of resource yourself is 1011 00:57:45,600 --> 00:57:51,600 Speaker 1: to listen to audio erotical um and hear how just 1012 00:57:51,960 --> 00:57:56,120 Speaker 1: to hear a story um played out with erotic language 1013 00:57:56,360 --> 00:58:00,720 Speaker 1: and kind of build your vocalory for for the con sensation. 1014 00:58:00,840 --> 00:58:03,560 Speaker 1: That's a great way. I know we have to take 1015 00:58:03,600 --> 00:58:05,880 Speaker 1: a little break, but this has been such good information 1016 00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:09,240 Speaker 1: for anybody who wants to learn more about self pleasuring practice. 1017 00:58:09,280 --> 00:58:14,080 Speaker 1: What is your website? My website is loving Lela l 1018 00:58:14,200 --> 00:58:19,680 Speaker 1: I l O Drema also loving Lela dot com. Okay, perfect, 1019 00:58:19,720 --> 00:58:22,760 Speaker 1: I say that again. So it's loving Lela l I 1020 00:58:23,040 --> 00:58:26,760 Speaker 1: l A dot com. Awesome. Yes, I'll have any book there. 1021 00:58:27,000 --> 00:58:30,920 Speaker 1: And also you can listen to me on Intimate Knowledge 1022 00:58:30,960 --> 00:58:33,800 Speaker 1: with Brooks Book and Megan King Edmonds when we talk 1023 00:58:33,840 --> 00:58:37,040 Speaker 1: about this stuff. Oh day, perfect, I love it. Thank 1024 00:58:37,080 --> 00:58:43,280 Speaker 1: you so much, Yeah, thank you so much, Sadie. Well 1025 00:58:43,320 --> 00:58:48,640 Speaker 1: you guys, I feel like I loved talking to Jenny 1026 00:58:48,800 --> 00:58:52,360 Speaker 1: and to Lela. They both had so much incredible info. 1027 00:58:52,560 --> 00:58:54,479 Speaker 1: If you guys want to find out more about them. 1028 00:58:55,240 --> 00:58:59,000 Speaker 1: Lela does a podcast called Intimate knowledge, which you can 1029 00:58:59,120 --> 00:59:02,760 Speaker 1: find wherever you look into podcast and then, um, Jenny 1030 00:59:02,960 --> 00:59:06,760 Speaker 1: not only helps you know relationships, she also helps kids 1031 00:59:06,760 --> 00:59:10,200 Speaker 1: and she has books two books called one called Mindfulness 1032 00:59:10,240 --> 00:59:13,000 Speaker 1: for Teens and the other one called The Mindfulness Journal 1033 00:59:13,080 --> 00:59:16,760 Speaker 1: for Teens. They're both available now. UM, I feel like 1034 00:59:16,800 --> 00:59:19,880 Speaker 1: for next week's podcast, I loved a lot of the 1035 00:59:19,920 --> 00:59:23,240 Speaker 1: information that we got today, but I want like tangible tools. 1036 00:59:23,760 --> 00:59:26,560 Speaker 1: I know we need to communicate better. How what do 1037 00:59:26,640 --> 00:59:29,120 Speaker 1: we say? What do we do? What are the next steps? 1038 00:59:29,600 --> 00:59:33,200 Speaker 1: So I am going to bring on specialist Dr Viv 1039 00:59:33,640 --> 00:59:34,960 Speaker 1: and We're going to get to the rest of your 1040 00:59:35,040 --> 00:59:38,040 Speaker 1: questions and I am going to dig deep on figuring 1041 00:59:38,040 --> 00:59:41,000 Speaker 1: out the actual tools that we need to get what 1042 00:59:41,080 --> 00:59:45,120 Speaker 1: we want to accomplish to a better sex and intimacy. 1043 00:59:45,560 --> 00:59:49,240 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening. Subscribe to any tea pot on radio 1044 00:59:49,560 --> 00:59:51,360 Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to podcasts.