Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. President Biden has officially tested
Speaker 1: negative for COVID and he got his doctor's approval to
Speaker 1: come out of isolation. Yes, which is great, It really
Speaker 1: is great. It's also the only positive approval he has
Speaker 1: at the moment, you know, But that's a start. That's
Speaker 1: a start. In economic news, the Federal Reserve has announced
Speaker 1: that it will be raising interest rates yet again to
Speaker 1: try and find inflation. Yeah, so your ability to buy
Speaker 1: a house has gone from no chance to what part
Speaker 1: of no chance? Don't you want to stare? Oh? And
Speaker 1: in pandemic news, two new studies have concluded that COVID
Speaker 1: nineteen almost certainly started at the Wuhan markets. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: I'm so glad we have this information because, I mean,
Speaker 1: now it's clear what we have to do. Right. We
Speaker 1: gotta build a time machine and go back in time
Speaker 1: two years and invest in Peloton because it's gonna blow
Speaker 1: up when the poll, when the pandemic, it's gonna be
Speaker 1: huge because a lot of money says, what are we
Speaker 1: what are we supposed to do with this information? Now?
Speaker 1: What are we gonna do with that? It came from
Speaker 1: the woolhand market? Well, well, I'm not buying my groceries
Speaker 1: there anymore. Cancel it's the card order. Oh and finally,
Speaker 1: the jackpots for the Mega Millions lottery is now sitting
Speaker 1: at over a billion dollars billion, which is like a
Speaker 1: week's worth of gas. And just just by the way,
Speaker 1: just better way. Can I just say how I love
Speaker 1: how people hate paying taxes, But if you think about it,
Speaker 1: a lottery is really just taxes. All right, we all
Speaker 1: put our money into a thing and then it goes
Speaker 1: to someone, and then everyone's like, yeah, this is fair,
Speaker 1: this is fair. But then if you if you say
Speaker 1: to everyone, let's take that money and put a billion
Speaker 1: dollars in of schools. Andyone's like, taxes are bullshit. No,
Speaker 1: I don't have back tax jacks. I don't. Then you're like, okay,
Speaker 1: let's all put our money, and then one person does.
Speaker 1: Everyone's like, yeah, this is great. This is a fantastic.
Speaker 1: This is a fair system. I don't know why we
Speaker 1: don't all do it. Oh. Actually, actually there's another thing.
Speaker 1: The Justice Department is now actively investigating Donald Trump's involvement
Speaker 1: in the plot to overturn the election. Yeah, another investigation,
Speaker 1: And I don't know, guys, at this point, I feel
Speaker 1: like the Justice Department is just gonna have to dedicate
Speaker 1: an entire division to Trump, you know, just give me
Speaker 1: his own one. You know, like they'll have National Security Division,
Speaker 1: the Civil Rights Division, and then the what the hell
Speaker 1: did Donald Trump do now? Division? Because you know, it's
Speaker 1: gonna be a high stress environment. It's basically gonna sound
Speaker 1: like a fast food joint during the dinner rush. You know,
Speaker 1: it's just like, we got two tax evasions, we got
Speaker 1: three witness tamperings, we got a serving of corruption. Don't
Speaker 1: we get the porn star on the side. Come on,
Speaker 1: we got crimes. People, keep it moving, keep a move there.
Speaker 1: But anyway, let's move on to some of the bigger
Speaker 1: news stories of the day, starting with China. First name
Speaker 1: made in For decades now, the world has been worried
Speaker 1: about if or when China would choose to invade Taiwan,
Speaker 1: and the reason for this is that China has said
Speaker 1: that Taiwan is part of China, but they're out there
Speaker 1: in the streets acting like their single and because China
Speaker 1: knows that invading Taiwan could spark an international incident, they
Speaker 1: haven't done it right. But since Russia invaded Ukraine, and
Speaker 1: basically only got canceled on Twitter. It's been reported that
Speaker 1: the Chinese government thinks that now might be the perfect
Speaker 1: time to strike. Yeah, it's the same way I saw
Speaker 1: my friend Brian telling his mom to go to Hell,
Speaker 1: and I thought, Wow, that's a cool idea. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go tell my mom off two. Yeah, that was the
Speaker 1: day I made the very painful discovery that my mom
Speaker 1: has a very different parenting style than Baron's mom, very difference. Anyway,
Speaker 1: Russia is basically Brian right now. So China is preparing
Speaker 1: to take what they say is rightfully there's but it
Speaker 1: turns out if they want to get to Taiwan, they're
Speaker 1: gonna need to go through Nancy Pelosi. How Speaker Nancy
Speaker 1: Pelosi's plan to visit Taiwan has created a stir in
Speaker 1: both Beijing and Washington. Tensions are running high between the
Speaker 1: US and China amid talks of a visit by US
Speaker 1: how Speaker Nancy Pelosi to Taiwan. US officials are working
Speaker 1: to convince Pelosi of the diplomatic risks of her potential trip.
Speaker 1: Beijing is furious over a potential trip by how Speaker
Speaker 1: Nancy Pelosi to Taiwan. China sees the self world island
Speaker 1: as a breakaway province that must be reunified with the mainland.
Speaker 1: Beijing is against any moote that appears to acknowledge Taiwan
Speaker 1: as an independent country or makes the US relationship more formal.
Speaker 1: And just yesterday, China's Defense department urged the US to
Speaker 1: cancel Pelosi's visit. The department spokesperson said, quote, if the
Speaker 1: US insists on taking its own course, the Chinese military
Speaker 1: will never sit idly. By God damn, let make it
Speaker 1: sound like the Chinese military. He's just gonna run over
Speaker 1: Nancy Pelosi with a tank, you know, completely destroy her.
Speaker 1: I mean, that would be a a good preparation for the
Speaker 1: mid terms. But still I don't know why she would
Speaker 1: go there. And I know what you're thinking right now.
Speaker 1: I know what you're thinking, like, why is Nancy Pelosi
Speaker 1: trying to provoke a war? Huh? Did she buy stock
Speaker 1: in bomb shelters last week? Hey, show some respect. Those
Speaker 1: other stock traits were just lucky guesses. You know. The
Speaker 1: truth is, Nancy Pelosi has been a big champion of
Speaker 1: Taiwanese independence for decades now, so think but this still
Speaker 1: is a big headache for Joe Biden right between inflation,
Speaker 1: Ukraine gas prices and the midterms. The man does not
Speaker 1: have time to get into a war with China. I mean,
Speaker 1: that's probably the reason COVID left him so quickly. The
Speaker 1: virus was like, my man, you're dealing with a bunch
Speaker 1: of ship right now. I'm about but I'll be back
Speaker 1: in a few weeks. I can do that. Now. You
Speaker 1: gotta handle yourself. You know, you know what Nancy is
Speaker 1: doing here because the administration is like, don't do it, Nancy.
Speaker 1: Nancy's like I'm going in here. She's doing that classic
Speaker 1: thing where like drunk white women get into a fight
Speaker 1: on behalf of their men, you know that thing where
Speaker 1: they're just like, you know what, we're not gonna take this.
Speaker 1: My boyfriend's gonna kick your ass, and the boyfriends like no, Nancy, Nazi,
Speaker 1: NICI shut up up, Nancy. Nancy. This is China is like,
Speaker 1: I don't care. Yeah, my boyfriend knows. Karate is like god, damnit,
Speaker 1: n just get in the car. Get in the car, Nancy.
Speaker 1: No one wants a world war. Oh and speaking of
Speaker 1: a potential world war, we should definitely talk about the
Speaker 1: battle that's brewing over Instagram, you know, the best app
Speaker 1: to see which of your high school friends are involved
Speaker 1: in pyramid schemes. If you've been on Instagram lately, you
Speaker 1: may have noticed that it um it sucks. Right, everything
Speaker 1: is an ad and your feed is full of people
Speaker 1: you don't follow, which is so confusing. Yeah, because I'm
Speaker 1: scrolling and I started reading someone's post, I'm like, do
Speaker 1: I know this person? Was I supposed to be at
Speaker 1: this wedding? And then you look and it says because
Speaker 1: you follow your friend, we thought you might like a
Speaker 1: post from a stra angel. No, I don't like secute
Speaker 1: dress anyway. Anyway, everyone, everyone's been complaining about Instagram, all right,
Speaker 1: Everyone's been complaining, but they haven't been forced to respond
Speaker 1: until now, because the royal family of Instagram has stepped
Speaker 1: into the free. Instagram is defending itself after users started
Speaker 1: complaining about changes to the social media platform. It all
Speaker 1: started Monday when Kylie Jenner and Kim Kardashian posted messages
Speaker 1: on Instagram saying make Instagram Instagram again, stop trying to
Speaker 1: beat TikTok. Users appeared to have agreed, slamming Instagram for
Speaker 1: pushing more video content rather than pictures. CEO Adam Mosseri
Speaker 1: responded on Twitter, saying the changes are designed to improve
Speaker 1: the user experience. I do believe that more and more
Speaker 1: Instagram is going to become video over time. We see this,
Speaker 1: even if we change nothing. Serry said the changes will
Speaker 1: help people discover new content, but he said users can
Speaker 1: turn off recommendations for one month if they don't like
Speaker 1: what's in their feed. Yeah that's right. People, you thought
Speaker 1: Instagram was for pictures of your friends, Well that's over.
Speaker 1: Yeah you're always bitching about brunch picks. Now you're gonna
Speaker 1: be begging to see them and be like, please, was
Speaker 1: it eggs? Wasn't avocado? Times? I just want to know
Speaker 1: what my friends are eating. Ain't too bad? You ain't
Speaker 1: never gonna see your friends again. And it ready sucks, man,
Speaker 1: It sucks because we choose who to follow for a reason.
Speaker 1: Now they're just gonna switch it on us. You can't
Speaker 1: do that, you know, like the twelve Disciples will followers
Speaker 1: of Jesus, right, they chose Jesus. Can you imagine if
Speaker 1: one day someone was just like today's sermon will be
Speaker 1: delivered by Jah Rule. I mean like no, wait, wait,
Speaker 1: I wanted to hear from Jesus like, no, no, trust,
Speaker 1: this will be better. Take it away, ja rule now'll
Speaker 1: always be there when thou call, shall always be on time,
Speaker 1: and gave you my laws. Even worse, it seems like
Speaker 1: Instagram wants to get into the algorithm game, and that's
Speaker 1: what I'm worried about because it's gonna change everything because
Speaker 1: you see the thing as algorithms, they are only about engagements,
Speaker 1: all right. They only feed you things that make you angry,
Speaker 1: make you sad, make you horny. And the problem with
Speaker 1: that is that roll happens within a few posts, so
Speaker 1: it's an emotional roller coaster, you know. It's just like, Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm so mad about this random racist event, and I'm
Speaker 1: sad about all the poverty and goddamn that ass is fine,
Speaker 1: but that ass voted for Trump. Vladimir Putin has announced
Speaker 1: that he will unblock Ukraine's ports, and it's good news.
Speaker 1: But I trust Putin's deals as much as I would
Speaker 1: trust eat on muscar around my wife, So we'll see
Speaker 1: how that goes. Also, w W founder Vince McMahon has
Speaker 1: been forced to retire after it came out that he
Speaker 1: may have paid up to fifteen million dollars to hush
Speaker 1: up sexual misconduct allegations over the last twenty years. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and you know something's over the line when pro wrestling catches,
Speaker 1: because those reefs never see anything, you know. In celebrity news,
Speaker 1: Drake is under fire for posting a picture of a
Speaker 1: random woman that he saw at a restaurant to his Instagram,
Speaker 1: saying that he tried to ed drop the picture to
Speaker 1: her so she could see how hot she looked. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And while it's not like the worst thing in the world,
Speaker 1: I think we can all agree it's a little creepy,
Speaker 1: you know. In fact, this punishment, Drake should have to
Speaker 1: write the subway and then let all the creeps drop
Speaker 1: their dick pics to him, you know. And we've been like, ah, Ship,
Speaker 1: why don't you look like a color flower? Kind of course,
Speaker 1: the most exciting thing that happened over the weekend we
Speaker 1: got the first trailer for Black Panther Too. And I
Speaker 1: don't know if you saw it, but that trailer was
Speaker 1: amazing and it was so black what black people. Black
Speaker 1: people are celebrating that trailer the same way white people
Speaker 1: celebrate when Trader Joe's drops a brand new frozen meal.
Speaker 1: They're like pumpkin rabbioli. What all right? But let's get
Speaker 1: into the big news of the day, starting with the
Speaker 1: major announcement from the World Health Organization. And yes, you
Speaker 1: already know the news is going to be bad because
Speaker 1: the World Health Organization they never call us to say, hey, guys,
Speaker 1: we just want to let you know the world is healthy,
Speaker 1: everything's fine. No, they only pop up to say ship
Speaker 1: like this. With cases rapidly on the rise, this morning,
Speaker 1: the World Health Organization is sounding the alarm on monkey pops,
Speaker 1: declaring the virus a global health emergency across the country.
Speaker 1: The numbers are steadily rising. Less than two weeks ago,
Speaker 1: the CDC listed just over fourteen hundred confirmed cases nationwide.
Speaker 1: Now that number has nearly doubled, with cases in all
Speaker 1: but five states the nation, and epicenter New York, where
Speaker 1: nearly nine hundred people have been infected. The last time
Speaker 1: the World Health Organization made this designation was January, in
Speaker 1: response to COVID nineteen. Why why another global health emergency? No,
Speaker 1: we just got done with ignoring this pandemic. I don't
Speaker 1: know if I can handle a novel one hot can't
Speaker 1: take this? And also, why is new York the epicenter again. Uh,
Speaker 1: haven't we been through enough? Hurricane Sandy, coronavirus, the Knicks.
Speaker 1: Now I'm joking. I'm joking. Sandy wasn't a complete disaster, Seriously, people,
Speaker 1: And what is it about New York? Why? Why do
Speaker 1: diseases love it? You know? What is it about this place?
Speaker 1: Outside of like the rats and the coproaches on the subways,
Speaker 1: full of feet season, piles of garbage on the sidewalk,
Speaker 1: Outside of all of that, why do diseases love New York? Not?
Speaker 1: The good news? And the big difference between monkey poks
Speaker 1: and COVID is so far monkey poks doesn't seem as
Speaker 1: dangerous so far, still gonna take it seriously. But for
Speaker 1: most people, it gives you some painful boils for like
Speaker 1: a few days, and then it's gone. Yeah. And after COVID,
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie. That doesn't phaze me. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: because it's like it's gonna kill a million people and
Speaker 1: shut down the planet. No, well, then I'm taking these
Speaker 1: boils to the club. Now. You may have noticed that
Speaker 1: online or somewhere else people are saying that monkey poks
Speaker 1: is a gay disease. Please understand that that is not true.
Speaker 1: All right. Yes, gay men who are very sexually active
Speaker 1: are at higher risk of getting the disease because it's
Speaker 1: transmitted through touch. But it is not a gay disease. Okay.
Speaker 1: Anyone can get it, so will. We should make sure
Speaker 1: the gay communities get the support that they need. We
Speaker 1: also shouldn't stigmatize them and make it seem like monkey
Speaker 1: poks is their disease, the same way COVID, the same
Speaker 1: way COVID wasn't a Chinese person's disease, the same way
Speaker 1: AIDS wasn't an African person's disease. All right, whet to
Speaker 1: where a disease starts. If you don't start it out,
Speaker 1: it could spread out to the larger population. It's how
Speaker 1: diseases work. You know. Some disease might start in a
Speaker 1: frat house, but if you don't stop it, one day,
Speaker 1: your granny could be on the phone with you, like,
Speaker 1: I don't have much longer, sweetie. The doctors say I've
Speaker 1: got why fever. It's it's really bad. So let's not
Speaker 1: blame any one group of people here for monkey pocks.
Speaker 1: The ones we should be blaming are the monkeys. Yeah,
Speaker 1: don't forget all these diseases come from monkeys, and it's
Speaker 1: not a mistake. They're trying to kill us. Yeah, because
Speaker 1: you see, remember we used to roll with the monkeys,
Speaker 1: and then what do we do. We secretly went away.
Speaker 1: We got clothes and computers, and we left our monkey
Speaker 1: brothers behind. Yeah, and then they're like, all right, screw
Speaker 1: you guys. You said you were going to destructed by cigarettes,
Speaker 1: and now you build cities and ship and you left
Speaker 1: us naked and the bushes eating bananas. We're gonna show you.
Speaker 1: Even though even though it's an emergency, let's not get
Speaker 1: too stressed out, all right about something that may or
Speaker 1: may not become a worldwide disaster, because we've already got
Speaker 1: a worldwide disaster to focus on. It's called climate change. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's the reason everyone was sweaching so much this weekend.
Speaker 1: They managed to make waits for the big fights. But
Speaker 1: I'm an accountant. You made weight get in their champion.
Speaker 1: Last week, we saw how the heat was affecting Europe right,
Speaker 1: Temperatures were hitting record highs, wildfires when multiple countries and
Speaker 1: now the US is experiencing the same thing. Many cities
Speaker 1: are seeing record breaking temperatures meters hitting triple digits in
Speaker 1: areas throughout the North East, and that could be the
Speaker 1: case the rest of the week as well. That's right,
Speaker 1: at least four cities set new marks, including Boston Newark
Speaker 1: in California, the Oak Fire has burned at least ten structures.
Speaker 1: These newlyweds coming back to their home to find it
Speaker 1: reduced to ash, many wondering if they'll even have a
Speaker 1: home to come back to. Wildfire sending residents fleeing in
Speaker 1: the West, emergency cruise in Yosemite National Park, working day
Speaker 1: and night from the ground and in the air trying
Speaker 1: to contain the more than fifteen thousand acre Oak Fire.
Speaker 1: This is the not so mighty Rio Grand near Albuquerque,
Speaker 1: New Mexico. High tempts. An extreme drought I've caused water
Speaker 1: levels to drop to their lowest point in about forty years.
Speaker 1: These new satellite images showing just how much water Lake
Speaker 1: Meat has lost to a massive drought. It's water levels
Speaker 1: are at their lowest point since nine seven, that is,
Speaker 1: just after the lake was created by the Hoover Dam. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it looks like the world is on fire and soon
Speaker 1: all of our drinking water will be gone. So jokes
Speaker 1: on you monkey powks. Yeah, you can't kill us if
Speaker 1: we're killing ourselves first. Which que men's hugh men's que
Speaker 1: men's que men's men. Yeah, we're gonna die. But once
Speaker 1: again we're being reminded. If humanity doesn't get our acts
Speaker 1: together soon, mother Nature is gonna handle this problem herself.
Speaker 1: The thunderstorms are gonna become more thunderree, droughts are gonna
Speaker 1: be more droughty. Planet's gonna be so hot, drink is
Speaker 1: gonna end drop at a picture of itself. I mean,
Speaker 1: did you guys feel how hot it was this weekend?
Speaker 1: Did you feel it? It was no joke. My sweat
Speaker 1: was sweating For a second. I thought my uber made
Speaker 1: a mistake and dropped me off in hell. I said,
Speaker 1: fourteen streets. It was so hot. I was just walking
Speaker 1: into random stores, just like to steal the air conditioning.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie. And when I say every store,
Speaker 1: I mean every store, even those like zero business being inside.
Speaker 1: And the worst thing is, you know, when you do that,
Speaker 1: you have to act like you actually want to buy
Speaker 1: something even when you don't. So um, you guys, you
Speaker 1: don't do custom eye holes? Yeah? Yeah, so just off
Speaker 1: the rack? Okay, yeah. Yeah, and you said the crosses
Speaker 1: are not self burning, but you you can get an
Speaker 1: easy light version online. Okay, hey, yeah, yeah, well you
Speaker 1: know what, I'm gonna come back. I'm gonna come back.
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna go to Safara because I need to
Speaker 1: get some of whatever they sell. And uh, yeah, I'll
Speaker 1: be back. I'll be back. What what what was your name? Again?
Speaker 1: Was was our? What was our? All? Right? Thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you, I'll be back. I'll be back. Yeah, I'll
Speaker 1: be back. Yeah, I'll definitely come back. I did not
Speaker 1: go back. But again, let's not get too stressed about
Speaker 1: this disaster that could end human life on Earth, because
Speaker 1: we can still change it. And besides, we need to
Speaker 1: save some of our stress for another existential threat, the
Speaker 1: robot apocalypse and Russia. A supremely bad move at the
Speaker 1: Moscow Chess Open, a chess Plaine robot apparently malfunctioned and
Speaker 1: broke its young opponent's finger. We see the robot taking
Speaker 1: one of the boys pieces, but when he makes him
Speaker 1: move quickly, the robot grabbed his finger hard enough to
Speaker 1: break it. Official say the seven year old didn't wait
Speaker 1: long enough before that next move, but he was back
Speaker 1: playing the next day, so so that robot tried to
Speaker 1: kill that child and everyone just went back the next
Speaker 1: day like nothing happened. Also, who is programming a chess
Speaker 1: robot with enough strength to break a human hand? This
Speaker 1: is chess, but UFC W this rook to chokehold, which
Speaker 1: I actually would watch more chess if those chokeholds. I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna lie, but this is how it starts, people.
Speaker 1: SERI stops listening to you. A chess robot breaks a
Speaker 1: seven year olds finger. Next thing you know, your room
Speaker 1: by sneaking up behind you with a knife. Prepared to die?
Speaker 1: Human's prepared or die? Where are you? Humans? Prepared or die?
Speaker 1: Jeopardy has finally chosen its permanent hosts, and no it's
Speaker 1: not Steve Harvey is too busy doing every other game show.
Speaker 1: It's actually gonna be my Ambillic and Ken Jennings. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's really really great for them. Congratulations to my man
Speaker 1: can't or is your grandfather calls them? Not Alex Treback
Speaker 1: and lady not Alex Treback. In Scott's News, the NFL
Speaker 1: has announced that they're launching their own reaming service, which
Speaker 1: is fantastic because I don't know about you guys, but
Speaker 1: we just don't have enough of them right now, you know.
Speaker 1: And this app is apparently going to have all of
Speaker 1: the preseason games, which is kind of like paying to
Speaker 1: watch the story part in Pawn. But I guess that's
Speaker 1: what some people like, So this is gonna be good.
Speaker 1: In politics news, Mike Pence says he's being treated differently
Speaker 1: now that he's no longer Vice president and that he
Speaker 1: had to recently wait twenty five minutes for a table
Speaker 1: at Olive Garden. Yeah, which sucks, yes, but on the upside,
Speaker 1: Trump supporters aren't trying to kill him anymore, so, I
Speaker 1: mean frozen cons, frozen cons. I would say it is
Speaker 1: a little while to me that Mike Pence even goes
Speaker 1: to Olive Garden, Like, I think it's dangerous to eat
Speaker 1: an olive garden when you look so much like a breadstick.
Speaker 1: If there's someone, I'm sorry, sorry, so sorry. And of course,
Speaker 1: of course I'm sure you've all heard the sad news.
Speaker 1: After nearly forty years, Klondike is discontinuing the chuckle Tackle.
Speaker 1: Yeah it's not me, it's not me, it's them. I
Speaker 1: know it's outrageous. The chuck O Taco is the perfect
Speaker 1: American fusion of cultures. It's it's Mexican and sugar. And
Speaker 1: how are you gonna get rid of the choco taco
Speaker 1: before getting rid of the popsicle? Huh? Nobody likes those.
Speaker 1: This is dildos that give you brain freeze. Come on,
Speaker 1: But anyway, let's move on to some of the bigger
Speaker 1: news stories of the day, and we're gonna start off
Speaker 1: with the Catholic Church, the world's number one manufacturer of atheists.
Speaker 1: The Catholic Church has made many, many positive contributions to
Speaker 1: society in the fields of art and science and philosophy.
Speaker 1: And if it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have come
Speaker 1: up with the smoke machines in the club, you know.
Speaker 1: But the Church has also done some bad things over
Speaker 1: the last say two thousand years, which is why, in
Speaker 1: a really positive development, Pope Francis is seeking absolution for
Speaker 1: the church sins. On his first full day in Canada,
Speaker 1: Pope Francis delivered a historic apology for the quote evil
Speaker 1: committed by so many Christians against indigenous people at the
Speaker 1: sight of a former residential school in the Canadian city
Speaker 1: of Maskwa Cheese. Pope Francis was greeted with sacred drumming
Speaker 1: and dance rituals the Church once sought to erase. For
Speaker 1: around a century, more than one hundred fifty thousand Native
Speaker 1: children were taken from their families to attend government funded
Speaker 1: residential schools, most of them run by the Catholic Church.
Speaker 1: They faced rampant neglect, physical and sexual abuse while being
Speaker 1: forced to assimilate. It is here the pope issued a
Speaker 1: historic apology. I am here because the first step of
Speaker 1: my penitential pilgrimage among you is that of again asking forgiveness.
Speaker 1: You know what to say, what you want. I love
Speaker 1: this Pope, I really do. Yeah, because ever since he's
Speaker 1: come into office or into power, or ever since he's
Speaker 1: gotten the gig, what do they even say? However, whatever
Speaker 1: it is, he's done a really good job of trying
Speaker 1: to write the Catholic Church's wrongs. You know, he's reached
Speaker 1: out to other faiths. He said gay people can get
Speaker 1: into heaven, and don't forget he added a popping lock
Speaker 1: to the sign of the cross. You know, it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, no boos, no, no, no nol. On top
Speaker 1: of that, on top of that, he's apologizing to indigenous
Speaker 1: people in Canada for the role the Catholic Church played
Speaker 1: in trying to erase their culture. I'm glad he's doing that.
Speaker 1: It also must have been a shock to Canadians, you know,
Speaker 1: someone coming and apologizing to them ull be like I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: It's like no, I'm sorry. Oh sorry. And you know,
Speaker 1: beyond the pope, Yeah, the Pope is great in all
Speaker 1: of this, but you know who the heroes of the
Speaker 1: story are the indigenous people. Yeah, for not just speaking
Speaker 1: to the pope, but for forgiving him, even letting him
Speaker 1: wear their traditional headdress. That was amazing. It was gracious,
Speaker 1: you know, unless they were just setting him up for
Speaker 1: a trap. You know, it's like let bygones, by bygones,
Speaker 1: please accept this head dress, snap photo and your canceled
Speaker 1: mother got you contural appropriation. They didn't do that, but
Speaker 1: it would have been funny. Now. Apparently, in addition to
Speaker 1: the apology, the church has also agreed to pay a
Speaker 1: settlement for what they did, which I think is fantastic,
Speaker 1: especially on the tribe for actually insisting on it. You know,
Speaker 1: because so many people's lives have been destroyed and a
Speaker 1: generation was thrust into poverty. So sorry is nice, but
Speaker 1: mommy goes a long way. Yeah. In fact, you know
Speaker 1: what they should put I'm sorry in the caption of
Speaker 1: the venmore payments, that's what they should do. And not
Speaker 1: just the church, not just the church. Yeah, I think
Speaker 1: this should be for everyone. All those governments around the world,
Speaker 1: you know, stolen land from people, like in Africa. We've
Speaker 1: seen this all the time, right, England is always like,
Speaker 1: we're so sorry, we pillaged and plundered your country of
Speaker 1: all your natural resources. And Africans are like, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: can we have our diamonds back? And it's like, ah,
Speaker 1: but they're already in the out. Yeah, we can't take
Speaker 1: it out. We can't a crown without jills. That's just
Speaker 1: the hat. Oh yeah, so I'm glad do something about it.
Speaker 1: Oh And speaking of people who are gonna need to
Speaker 1: apologize for a lot in the future, Vladimir Putin back
Speaker 1: in the news. I guess he's never left ever since
Speaker 1: he decided to inherit Eastern Ukraine, Russia and the rest
Speaker 1: of Western you know, the rest of the West really
Speaker 1: have been going through the twenty one centuries most savage breakup. Right.
Speaker 1: There's been threats, uh, there's been sanctions, and just today,
Speaker 1: Russia rarely escalates attentions by making big cuts to the
Speaker 1: amount of gas that it will send through its pipelines
Speaker 1: to Europe. Yeah. Now they're saying that this is because
Speaker 1: of mechanical issues. Yeah, but I'm sure this is mechanical issues.
Speaker 1: The same way someone breaks up with you because you
Speaker 1: deserve better. Just be honest and say you can't see
Speaker 1: a future with someone who wears CRUs two nice restaurants dead,
Speaker 1: just a beavil wears them now. Anyway, On top of
Speaker 1: all of that, Russia has decided to extend this beef
Speaker 1: into space. That's just in the CNN. Russia says this
Speaker 1: morning that it is preparing to pull out of the
Speaker 1: International Space Station. That's a big deal. Space agency official
Speaker 1: told Vladimir Putin it will leave the I S S.
Speaker 1: Quote after this withdrawal would be a major blow to
Speaker 1: the I S S, which has served as a model
Speaker 1: for international cooperation for decades. Says it will start building
Speaker 1: its own orbiting outpost instead. Wow, Russia is officially pulling
Speaker 1: out of the International Space Station, which nobody asked them
Speaker 1: to do. We said pull out of Ukraine, not the
Speaker 1: space station. There's a Google translate issue. What's going on here?
Speaker 1: And you might not realize this, but this is actually
Speaker 1: bad news because Russia helps to operate the space station,
Speaker 1: which I didn't know about, you know what I mean? Like,
Speaker 1: I don't know about you, But am I the only
Speaker 1: one who's shocked by how many things are connected to
Speaker 1: Russia in the world? All right, like the world's energy supply,
Speaker 1: Africa's food supply, space travel, minerals for our electronics. Soon
Speaker 1: we're gonna find out that Russia provides the sound for
Speaker 1: sneezes and without them, we can't complete the action. Not
Speaker 1: true for you. Come. By the way, I don't know
Speaker 1: why they call it an international space station. It doesn't
Speaker 1: seem very international. It's basically just Russians and Americans up there,
Speaker 1: like two other countries in the world's on international space station. Back,
Speaker 1: how come they know African countries up there? Huh? Why?
Speaker 1: Because we stopped playing soccer and accidentally kicked the ball
Speaker 1: through the window and everyone will get sucked into space.
Speaker 1: I mean that's a fair point, but still why So, Yeah,
Speaker 1: the Russians are leaving the space station and although they
Speaker 1: think this is pretty cool, good luck to them. Making
Speaker 1: a dramatic exit when there's zero gravity and so you built.
Speaker 1: Don remember go with the Vladom you're put in unless
Speaker 1: you want to feel the full force of Mother Russia.
Speaker 1: Help you, right, you can? Okay, cansembo? They pushed me
Speaker 1: the word door pushed me. Just just push me door,
Speaker 1: push me door. I can. I want to make the
Speaker 1: nothing egit this okay, this is egit. That was hoping floor.
Speaker 1: Just I'm just floating at all, like idiot right now.
Speaker 1: Just okay, imagine you were crying and I'm gone, bitch,
Speaker 1: Imagine imagine that be Imagine that b Back when Joe
Speaker 1: Biden was elected, one of his biggest promises was the
Speaker 1: Build Back Better Bill, a plan that promised to make
Speaker 1: everything in America better. That's why the better was in
Speaker 1: the name. Yeah, it was going to rebuild the roads,
Speaker 1: fix the climates, reduce inequality, and it was even gonna
Speaker 1: give you another shot with your high schoo crush. Fact
Speaker 1: this time, I won't eat prunes before Assembly. Now, all
Speaker 1: of that depended on getting every Democrats vote in the Senate,
Speaker 1: but there was always one senator who refused to play ball.
Speaker 1: Joe Mansion, West Virginia Senator, a man who definitely has
Speaker 1: a photo in the fridge of him holding a fish.
Speaker 1: No matter what the Democrats offered him, Joe Mansion was
Speaker 1: blocking all attempts, like an appellation with Tombo. No, no, y'all.
Speaker 1: And so it seemed that Joe Biden's agenda, very much
Speaker 1: like Joe Biden himself, was basically dead. But then last
Speaker 1: night this happened. New tonight, Democratic Senators Joe Manson and
Speaker 1: Chuck Schumer announcing a deal on a bill that was
Speaker 1: all but dead. You almost never see this in Washington.
Speaker 1: You never see Washington surprised like it is. This morning,
Speaker 1: Democratic Senator Joe Mansion announced he has struck a deal
Speaker 1: with Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. This is a major
Speaker 1: piece of legislation that they say would pay down the
Speaker 1: national debt, cut healthcare costs, fight climate change, and battle
Speaker 1: and flay. It is the product of secret negotiations over
Speaker 1: a package that until yesterday appeared to be dead. Two
Speaker 1: weeks after walking away from a climate deal, West Virginia
Speaker 1: Democrat Joe Mansion embraced one last night with a compromise
Speaker 1: dubbed the Inflation Reduction Act of two. I can't believe it.
Speaker 1: Joe Mansion agreed to vote for a bill which means
Speaker 1: Democrats might actually get something done. Welcome and my dreaming,
Speaker 1: and if so, what a boring dream? And also what
Speaker 1: a week for Joe Biden. Huh. First he defeats in COVID,
Speaker 1: then he defeated low expectations, Look at you, Joe. But yeah,
Speaker 1: In a surprise announcement, Joe Mansion released a statement saying
Speaker 1: that he is on board with Build Back Better, except
Speaker 1: he's calling it Inflation Reduction Act. Yeah. I'll be honest,
Speaker 1: I don't think anyone cares what it's called as long
Speaker 1: as it's a good bill. You know, he can he
Speaker 1: can call it the everyone except Joe Mansion has got
Speaker 1: a small dick act, and I don't care. I'll just
Speaker 1: be like, well, at least my dick is going to
Speaker 1: see a better climates. But I think I think this
Speaker 1: has taught us all an important lesson. Everyone was so
Speaker 1: mad at your Mansion, calling him names, letting their anger
Speaker 1: take over, writing him off as a villain, and it worked.
Speaker 1: Nice job everyone back. Yeah. Now, just to be clear,
Speaker 1: Just to be clear, if this bill isn't everything that
Speaker 1: Joe Biden wants wanted, but it's still a pretty big deal. Right,
Speaker 1: It lowers prescription drug prices. It forces big corporations to
Speaker 1: pay the taxes that they owe. But maybe, but maybe
Speaker 1: the most important part of the bill is what it
Speaker 1: does to fight climate change. This would be the largest
Speaker 1: u ask climate change legislation ever. Enterpiece, about three hundred
Speaker 1: seventy billion dollars worth of clean energy tax incentives and grants,
Speaker 1: including tax credits for many Americans who buy electric carbs.
Speaker 1: It's going to try to reduce carbon emissions by by
Speaker 1: This was something that many Senate Democrats simply did not
Speaker 1: think would be included in any sort of legislation they
Speaker 1: could get through. But it's not all green energy. In
Speaker 1: a win for Joe Manchin, the bill also opens millions
Speaker 1: of acres of public land for new oil and gas production.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's right, tons of money to fight climate change,
Speaker 1: but also some fossil fuel stuff too, you know, just
Speaker 1: to keep Mother Nature on her toes. But overall, overall,
Speaker 1: this is a huge investment in alternative forms of energy wind, solar,
Speaker 1: and they're even gonna be researching new forms of energy
Speaker 1: and what knows what it could be. Yeah, in ten years,
Speaker 1: we could be charging our phones with the power of
Speaker 1: dance yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah seven, keep going okay, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I got this, I got this a ten percent. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna charge roll out devices. They're just thinking. You know
Speaker 1: what's funny is is that if that does happen, some
Speaker 1: white people are gonna be un charging their phones. Can
Speaker 1: be like, what what's happening? Wait? Why am I? Why
Speaker 1: am I? Why am I losing power? What's going on here?
Speaker 1: What I'm dancing? What's going on? What's what's happening here?
Speaker 1: What's happening? But this is a huge win for the Democrats.
Speaker 1: And now obviously obviously please remember this is the Democratic Party,
Speaker 1: so there is still plenty of ways for those things
Speaker 1: to all the parts. You know. Yeah, House Democrats could
Speaker 1: come out against it. Kirsten Cinema could come out against it.
Speaker 1: Joe Mansion could come out tomorrow and opposed the bill
Speaker 1: just out of happen. But if it does get through,
Speaker 1: this could be the legislative victory that the Democrats need
Speaker 1: to write into the midterms and only lose the House
Speaker 1: by two hundred seats. I believe in your Democrats. Before
Speaker 1: we go, please consider supporting Respectability, an organization that works
Speaker 1: to create systemic change in how society views and values
Speaker 1: people with disabilities. If you want to help them, lobby
Speaker 1: for better policies, and train organizations to empower people with disabilities,
Speaker 1: then please donate at the link below. What's the Daily
Speaker 1: Show weeknights at eleven ten Central earned Comedy Central in
Speaker 1: stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been
Speaker 1: a Comedy Central podcast