Speaker 1: Hey, everybody, it's Tiffany D.
Speaker 2: Cross.
Speaker 3: You'r host of Across Generations, and I want to thank
Speaker 3: you guys so much for tuning in every single week.
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Speaker 3: Welcome to a Cross Generations where the voices of black
Speaker 3: women unite. I'm your host, Tiffany Cross. Tiffany Cross. Tiffany,
Speaker 3: We gather a season elder myself as the middle generation,
Speaker 3: and a vibrant young soul for engaging intergenerational conversations. Prepared
Speaker 3: to engage or hear perspections that no one else is having.
Speaker 1: You know how we do. We create magic, creates magic.
Speaker 3: Hi, everybody, Welcome to another episode of Across Generations. And
Speaker 3: today we have a very exciting topic to talk about marriage.
Speaker 3: So before we get into the conversation, I want to
Speaker 3: start with the marriage rates in America. They have actually
Speaker 3: been on the decline since the latter half of the
Speaker 3: twentieth century, and collectively, we're all marrying at a later age.
Speaker 3: But here's the interesting thing. The decline of marriage and
Speaker 3: delay are even more dramatic among us. Among Black folks.
Speaker 3: That's all according to the latest US Census. Now, in
Speaker 3: nineteen seventy, just over thirty five percent of black men
Speaker 3: and twenty seven percent of Black women were never married.
Speaker 3: But by twenty twenty, these percentages had jumped to fifty
Speaker 3: one point four percent for Black men and forty seven
Speaker 3: point five percent for Black women.
Speaker 1: Now why do we think that is.
Speaker 3: I'll tell you personally, I didn't grow up looking at
Speaker 3: bridal magazines or planning what my wedding would look like.
Speaker 1: But I certainly desired a life partner.
Speaker 3: And I wonder what the correlation is between marriage and
Speaker 3: love because these are not the same. Things seem to
Speaker 3: be more elusive in our community, and that makes me sad.
Speaker 3: People seem to desire it less and less. And we
Speaker 3: know there are benefits to marriage. You can start building
Speaker 3: wealth earlier. Having a life partner can enhance your health,
Speaker 3: career and lifespan, and it can be beautiful. But I
Speaker 3: do wonder now, with smartphones and Instagram scrolling and things
Speaker 3: like pornography at our fingertips, does it erode the desire
Speaker 3: for partnership actual partnership. The data shows that famous statistic
Speaker 3: that everybody loves to quote that half of all marriages
Speaker 3: and in divorce, and that is true, but that's the
Speaker 3: first marriage, and the average length of that first marriage
Speaker 3: before you get divorced is eight years. So I do
Speaker 3: wonder why aren't people getting married, Why are those who
Speaker 3: do get married divorcing? What do the whise have to
Speaker 3: teach us about marriage and what do the young have
Speaker 3: to reveal to us about their views on partnership? And
Speaker 3: for me, I've been contemplating, if you're not combining balance sheets,
Speaker 3: if you're not trying to have children, if you're comfortable
Speaker 3: in your own space, what does love and partner ship
Speaker 3: look like at this age? I have some thoughts, and
Speaker 3: quite frankly though, I'm really looking for some guidance on
Speaker 3: some of these things. So please let's get into it.
Speaker 3: I am so thrilled to be joined by Missus Shade.
Speaker 3: She is a thirty one year old podcaster and an entrepreneur.
Speaker 3: Very happy to have you here with Us Shade, and
Speaker 3: we have Missus Tate now. Missus Tate is eighty one
Speaker 3: years old, former software developer, proud mother of two. But
Speaker 3: here's the most impressive thing. She's been married for sixty
Speaker 3: one years. So amazing. You're not married, you're dating. Married
Speaker 3: for sixty one years. I'm in the middle.
Speaker 1: I'm looking for advice from you both. Missus Tate.
Speaker 3: I want to start with you, because sixty one years,
Speaker 3: I mean, that's amazing. When I was younger and people
Speaker 3: would say how long they were married, and then the
Speaker 3: audience would applaud. I never got that. Now that I'm older,
Speaker 3: I understand why.
Speaker 1: People look at it like an accomplishment. Tell us a
Speaker 1: little bit about your marriage, well.
Speaker 4: Person of I got married when I was eighteen, and
Speaker 4: I think I mentioned before at Howard University. Back then,
Speaker 4: I was pregnant when we got married. Those are things
Speaker 4: that you really had to do or your parents would
Speaker 4: try to work something out. So I was pregnant when
Speaker 4: I got married. But I'd like to say my husband
Speaker 4: and I were definitely in love, because there was a
Speaker 4: thing about love at first sight with the both of us.
Speaker 4: When we met at Howard University. I clearly remember I
Speaker 4: had gone to a party with my girlfriend and we
Speaker 4: were coming down the stairs and he was there, and
Speaker 4: our eyes clicked, and for some reason it was something
Speaker 4: was going on, and I walked down the stairs and
Speaker 4: he walked over to me and grabbed my hand and
Speaker 4: we just started dancing. And we left that party together.
Speaker 4: We hadn't said a word to each other and we left.
Speaker 4: I didn't have sex with him that night.
Speaker 3: No judgment if you did. No judgment if you did.
Speaker 3: I'm impressed mister Tate's game if you did, But no judgment.
Speaker 4: So being pregnant, you always wonder are we married because
Speaker 4: I was pregnant or because we loved each other that much?
Speaker 4: It always kind of lingers in your mind. And I
Speaker 4: think after sixty one years, I think I we do
Speaker 4: love you. I loved them more today than I did
Speaker 4: back then, And of course we had our rough patches
Speaker 4: along the way, like most marriages do.
Speaker 3: That testimony, I started out by saying, you know, I'm
Speaker 3: wondering what it looks like. But hearing you say that
Speaker 3: It does make me desire a partnership even more to
Speaker 3: hear you you talk about that sixty one years that's
Speaker 3: a really long long time. This concept of love at
Speaker 3: first sight. It makes me wonder about the correlation between
Speaker 3: love and marriage, because I just said the two are
Speaker 3: not always the same. In some marriages, I feel like
Speaker 3: they're mutually exclusive. Some people just stay together. But it
Speaker 3: sounds like you and your husband sixty one years later,
Speaker 3: you make a conscious decision every day to still be
Speaker 3: there and in love with each other.
Speaker 4: In a set to us, a conscious decision because when
Speaker 4: my daughters, I was working at the time, and then
Speaker 4: we were young.
Speaker 2: I was eighteen, he was twenty.
Speaker 4: One and only child, a little kind of nuts boiled,
Speaker 4: but you know, so some of the things. And I
Speaker 4: remember sitting talking with my daughters and they were like
Speaker 4: six or seven at the time, and he's done something crazy.
Speaker 4: And I sat them down and I said, you know,
Speaker 4: Janine diitre, I'm thinking about very seriously, I'm gonna.
Speaker 2: Leave your father.
Speaker 4: And they looked at me and said what she said? Okay, mom,
Speaker 4: And my older daughter Janine said, then who's going to
Speaker 4: take care of daddy? And when she said that, I said, well,
Speaker 4: there goes apart for better or worse.
Speaker 2: So I said, okay, so.
Speaker 4: I made am. I said, no, we're not going to
Speaker 4: do that. We're just going to work past whatever it
Speaker 4: is that we're going.
Speaker 3: Wow, Yes there's a story there and I'm going to
Speaker 3: get it. But I'm gonna come.
Speaker 2: Back to that.
Speaker 3: I have so many more questions about that. I want
Speaker 3: to bring Shida into the conversation. Our younger guest here now, Satday.
Speaker 3: You're dating someone, right, you guys are in an exclusive relationship?
Speaker 1: Yes, and do you want to get married? I do.
Speaker 5: It took me a while to kind of come to
Speaker 5: that because I grew up with my mom really emphasizing that, yes,
Speaker 5: marriage is beautiful, like my parents were married. But she's like, ultimately,
Speaker 5: in this day and age, it's a business. It's like
Speaker 5: a contract. So if you are getting into a situation,
Speaker 5: you need to be mindful of like this person could
Speaker 5: get your assets, your home, like other things. And so
Speaker 5: I've always been like, well, if I don't need to
Speaker 5: get married on paper, maybe I won't. I've looked up
Speaker 5: the you could be in like a long term agreement
Speaker 5: and then you can get paperwork that like if I
Speaker 5: need to take care of them in the hospital or
Speaker 5: something like that. I could do that. I've literally looked
Speaker 5: into that and I was like, you know what, at
Speaker 5: the end of the day, I think I'll I'll do it.
Speaker 3: You do want to get married, yeah, But it's interesting
Speaker 3: to hear you talk about it like it's like a business,
Speaker 3: you know, like as a contract, yeah, and not a
Speaker 3: life partnership in like a spiritual, mental, emotional connection.
Speaker 5: I think that you can have that type of a
Speaker 5: connection with so many people. It doesn't necessarily just have
Speaker 5: to be the person you decide to marry. I think
Speaker 5: when you do jump into marriage, at least from my perspective,
Speaker 5: it is definitely a conscious decision that you are splitting
Speaker 5: something from like a business perspective, because we could just
Speaker 5: be together and it can be very casual and we
Speaker 5: don't have to do go down to the courthouse and
Speaker 5: have a piece of paper binding us. And so I've
Speaker 5: really kind of gone back and forth.
Speaker 6: On those thoughts.
Speaker 5: But I think it is something that would mean a
Speaker 5: lot more so to him.
Speaker 3: It's interesting hearing the two of you your perspectives on
Speaker 3: it and the way you describe it is very different.
Speaker 3: And I want to get into how our collective perspectives
Speaker 3: on marriage have changed through the decades and the generations.
Speaker 3: We just talked about how it's a SETTI declined in
Speaker 3: the Black community specifically, and I got to say, I
Speaker 3: think our superpower has been that structure, our family unit,
Speaker 3: our community. And so seeing those statistics, I'm questioning what
Speaker 3: is happening with us that we are choosing to not partner.
Speaker 3: We know that you were with childs, but you're saying, yeah,
Speaker 3: I would still choose my husband today. What is it
Speaker 3: about your partnership that has sustained over six decades.
Speaker 4: To me, marriage is like a lifetime a compromise and
Speaker 4: rearranged priorities. So that's something you have to always keep
Speaker 4: in mind that it's not just you in this marriage.
Speaker 4: You have a partner, so you have to come to
Speaker 4: some common ground on things. I really I think that's very,
Speaker 4: very important. It's a lot of compromise and a lot
Speaker 4: of rearranging of priorities. You know.
Speaker 1: It's an interesting quote.
Speaker 3: Latasha Richardson is the wife of Sam Jackson, and someone
Speaker 3: asked her how did you maintain your marriage all these years?
Speaker 3: And she said, it requires a lot of amnesia and
Speaker 3: a lot of forgiveness. I think about that. Yeah, I
Speaker 3: mean it's you know, there have to be times where
Speaker 3: you wonder. And I know me personally, I don't have
Speaker 3: a lot of either. I don't have a lot of amnesia,
Speaker 3: and I don't have a lot of forgive And this
Speaker 3: is something I need to work on obviously. I mean,
Speaker 3: I date, I am not in an exclusive relationship, and
Speaker 3: it just feels like both are slipping away from us,
Speaker 3: you know, like it seems like your generation has a
Speaker 3: different attitude. In my generation sometimes it feels like you
Speaker 3: show up to the table with animus what does this
Speaker 3: person want for me? Men have an attitude sometimes of
Speaker 3: what are you trying to.
Speaker 1: Get from me?
Speaker 3: Or you know, it's there's history and like bitterness built up.
Speaker 3: I think women come to the table like why won't
Speaker 3: you let me love you? You know, And I just
Speaker 3: I'm trying to figure out how to bridge that divide
Speaker 3: your generation though, I have to say, it does not
Speaker 3: seem like a value partnership at all.
Speaker 6: I really don't know what happened.
Speaker 5: I talk about this a lot on our podcast, like
Speaker 5: it seems okay, don't get me wrong, I know, I
Speaker 5: said I think marriage, you know, Ultimately, it is a contract,
Speaker 5: and you do need to be able to go into
Speaker 5: a situation saying like are.
Speaker 6: We going to do this?
Speaker 5: Because if the i RS come and you donet does
Speaker 5: something stupid like I don't want to be attached to it.
Speaker 5: But at the same time, I think my generation specifically
Speaker 5: is so obsessed with money and finances and it's unrealistic.
Speaker 5: I'm like, what happened to just like a nice man
Speaker 5: who had a stable job, But everybody want to be
Speaker 5: a city girl and everybody wants to be taken care of.
Speaker 5: They want a soft life, but no one's thinking about
Speaker 5: the compromise.
Speaker 6: I think that's the decline.
Speaker 5: I think that's where the disconnect is happening, Like people
Speaker 5: don't want to compromise. Everyone thinks it's going to be
Speaker 5: this perfect situation, which we know it's not, and they're
Speaker 5: looking for something that's unrealistic. Like I think Michelle Obama
Speaker 5: was talking about this. She was like, people don't want
Speaker 5: to do the work. They just want like the wedding
Speaker 5: and the flowers and they're pretty and then they're done.
Speaker 5: And that's I think that's why my generation, unfortunately is
Speaker 5: very confused.
Speaker 6: They've gotten caught up in the material.
Speaker 3: Well, one of my favorite books that I read, Finding
Speaker 3: Me by Viola Davis. It was such an amazing book
Speaker 3: and she talks about love and partnership and marriage and
Speaker 3: how she had to love herself. And she quotes an
Speaker 3: episode of Golden Girls in the book where Dorothy's Warnak
Speaker 3: is saying she wants someone to grow old with. And
Speaker 3: that's the part that so many younger people don't like.
Speaker 3: We want the cute, we want the suite and the fun,
Speaker 3: but you know, we all might not look like missus
Speaker 3: State when we're eighty one. You know, your body changes,
Speaker 3: your face changes, You gain weight, you lose weight, you
Speaker 3: get sick, you lose your hair. When I had the
Speaker 3: fibroid surgery, I was losing my hair and I dealt
Speaker 3: with that by myself.
Speaker 1: It grew back, thankfully.
Speaker 3: So at the time you get moles and hair grolls
Speaker 3: out of them, you know, like you just grow old.
Speaker 3: And I fear that this younger generation that chases people
Speaker 3: who look like mannequins on Instagram, they are not even
Speaker 3: prepared for that. Because we have such a seasoned, experienced
Speaker 3: women here. What advice do you give us as young women,
Speaker 3: Younger women who want to get married, but maybe we
Speaker 3: don't know what we're signing up for. It's not a
Speaker 3: long first date, it's a life commitment.
Speaker 4: For young women today, they have a lot more optioned.
Speaker 4: When I was young, you were expected to get at marriage,
Speaker 4: you go to high school and not even necessarily go
Speaker 4: to college if you get married and you have children.
Speaker 4: And nowadays, I think one of the reasons why that
Speaker 4: number is dwindling is because women, especially Black women, are
Speaker 4: the most progressive in terms of graduating from college and
Speaker 4: in their careers and everything. It's not like you have
Speaker 4: to have a man to take care of yourself, whereas
Speaker 4: when I was younger, there are a lot of women
Speaker 4: to take care They needed a husband to financially exist
Speaker 4: in this world, whereas you don't have that now. And
Speaker 4: also maybe when I was in my twenties or thirties,
Speaker 4: the emphasis was on not me too. It was the
Speaker 4: me generation looking out for number one. So I think
Speaker 4: the whole mentality that had something to do with the
Speaker 4: mentality of being married, and it has impacted that. Also,
Speaker 4: that is not something that you have to do.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I don't feel like I have to get
Speaker 3: married at this big age in life. But It is
Speaker 3: a desire I have and something that I've navigated in dating.
Speaker 3: I'm sure you're going through this with the young man
Speaker 3: you're dating, but we talked about.
Speaker 1: This a little bit before.
Speaker 3: It's a whole other person, you know, It's a whole
Speaker 3: other human being who has a whole different perspective. And
Speaker 3: the thing that surprises me most about intimacy with another
Speaker 3: person outside of physical intimacy, but this person can ruin
Speaker 3: my whole day, you know, with a text message or
Speaker 3: a phone call. This person can make a decision that
Speaker 3: casts a dark shadow over my week. And that kind
Speaker 3: of like open, raw access to me is intimidating, it's frightening,
Speaker 3: and it's like I'm giving you every tool to hurt me,
Speaker 3: and I'm trusting that you will not that it requires
Speaker 3: a lot of trust.
Speaker 1: Do you have that kind of trust with your man?
Speaker 6: It's something that I'm working on.
Speaker 5: And it's funny that you said that because I just
Speaker 5: was talking to my therapist about this. It's a level
Speaker 5: of vulnerability that I've never wanted to have and.
Speaker 6: Be so open. I'll give you a little story, like
Speaker 6: began to.
Speaker 5: An argument over the silliest thing, like where we were
Speaker 5: going to go on a date, and he like changed
Speaker 5: where it was going to be, and I was like,
Speaker 5: but I planned it, and now you're trying to do
Speaker 5: something else, Like this is so unfair. You're not thinking
Speaker 5: about how I'm thinking about it. And so I just
Speaker 5: shut down completely and I was like, we're not going nowhere,
Speaker 5: and I'm about to go out with my friends and
Speaker 5: I'm not even going to come home. And I just
Speaker 5: wanted to go straight to like anger and resentment and
Speaker 5: to make him feel bad. And then I realized I
Speaker 5: didn't have the vulnerability to say you hurt my feelings,
Speaker 5: and that was really what it was.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I think that's very important because a lot of time
Speaker 4: we take for granted women communicate differently with each other
Speaker 4: than men and women, and a lot of time when men,
Speaker 4: you have to be if it's something on your mind,
Speaker 4: it's the last thing on their mind. You can't sit
Speaker 4: there and be angry. You need to have a conversation
Speaker 4: and in flint, if something bothers you, you need to
Speaker 4: discuss it and talk about it and after a while
Speaker 4: they get where you're coming from. But I think a
Speaker 4: lot of time we just expect men to automatically be
Speaker 4: perfect and maybe if they were single or on their own,
Speaker 4: they behave you would be perfect. But then you have
Speaker 4: to like, it's two of us here, so it's given thing.
Speaker 4: But if it's something bothers, you just have the conversation
Speaker 4: with them. And it's very surprising.
Speaker 1: How a light bubble turn on and yeah.
Speaker 4: You know that, and that issue may go away.
Speaker 3: They made a good point though about hurt feelings, and
Speaker 3: I'm curious from you after sixty one years, clearly there's
Speaker 3: been some hurt feelings at some point in your marriage.
Speaker 3: I'm sure if you can recall a time where you
Speaker 3: were the most hurt by your husband. He hurts you
Speaker 3: the most, cuts you the deepest. How did you can
Speaker 3: share what you want to about that time, but how
Speaker 3: did you survive that pain?
Speaker 1: How'd you get past it?
Speaker 4: I would say when we were young, we went through,
Speaker 4: but also when my daughters got older and they were
Speaker 4: off to college and everything. And I remember clearly being
Speaker 4: home one night and my husband wasn't there, and I
Speaker 4: was just sitting in the bed and I said, wow,
Speaker 4: it was like so quiet in here. It was just
Speaker 4: me and my thoughts, and I said, wow, this is
Speaker 4: a whole new phase of life. That I'm going through,
Speaker 4: and so now it made me have to pay more
Speaker 4: attention to my relationship with my husband, which when you're
Speaker 4: raising children a lot of times you missed like a
Speaker 4: lot of things. So things weren't running smoothly or anything.
Speaker 4: And we hung in there for a while. But by
Speaker 4: the time my daughters had graduated, he and I just
Speaker 4: were not on the same page and we separated now.
Speaker 2: And it took a while for him. He was supposed
Speaker 2: to leave, but he didn't leave.
Speaker 4: So I was the one that went and looked for
Speaker 4: an apartment and I left. And to show you something
Speaker 4: about my husband, he's very funny. Everybody loved him. He
Speaker 4: has a great sense of humor and he is very,
Speaker 4: very charming. So when I looked for an apartment, I
Speaker 4: took my little grandson with me, Robbie. I was looking
Speaker 4: at apartments and he was about three years old. And
Speaker 4: then when we came back home, everybody was home. He said, Grandma,
Speaker 4: and I found an apartment and we're moving.
Speaker 2: It could be a sitcom.
Speaker 4: But we were separated for a while, and I clearly
Speaker 4: remember my husband calling me one day because my older
Speaker 4: daughters were still with him.
Speaker 2: The three they were living together, both.
Speaker 4: Of them graduated for Kyle, all of their friends by
Speaker 4: the house and everything. And then my husband he called
Speaker 4: me on the phone and he said, Sandy, how come.
Speaker 2: I got custody of the kids the phone? I said,
Speaker 2: what kid did? Twenty four?
Speaker 4: But like with him, I think the humor after a while, well,
Speaker 4: he is so funny and so charming, and today we
Speaker 4: have the best relationship that we've ever had. We finally
Speaker 4: found our way back to each other, and I think
Speaker 4: it was through our grandsons had.
Speaker 2: A lot to do with it too.
Speaker 1: Did you ever do therapy?
Speaker 3: No, no therapy, no therapy, you said, your grandkids. But
Speaker 3: what was the conversation between you and your husband, like,
Speaker 3: how did you reconnect? How did you find your way
Speaker 3: back to each other?
Speaker 4: Well, slowly, but surely we would run into because we
Speaker 4: still did a lot of things together as a family.
Speaker 2: We still did all of those things together. Through the years, it.
Speaker 4: Seemed like he started recognizing he had more empty and
Speaker 4: insight into me and curious and really interested in what
Speaker 4: I was doing. So he showed genuine interest in me,
Speaker 4: and then after a while we just became even better
Speaker 4: friends and we finally got back together and said we'll
Speaker 4: give this another try.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's worked out so fine.
Speaker 4: He is my my Prince Charming that I thought I
Speaker 4: had a long time back.
Speaker 1: Wow, Now what was better the first half or the
Speaker 1: second half?
Speaker 2: The second half? Yes, And you.
Speaker 1: Wouldn't have known that had you not suck it out.
Speaker 3: I think that's so interesting about just being you know,
Speaker 3: authentic and transparent with someone. For a long time in
Speaker 3: my twenties and my thirties, I would literally pretend to
Speaker 3: be someone else I wasn't, you know, it wasn't someone
Speaker 3: contrary to who I was. But I would show up
Speaker 3: and pose, you know, I would. I was always together,
Speaker 3: I would, you know, turn the brain on. I was
Speaker 3: only saying, like, you know, the most HyG role things.
Speaker 3: And it wasn't until I was in my forties and
Speaker 3: met someone and I was my most authentic self, my
Speaker 3: most transparent self.
Speaker 1: I will throw a tantrum if I want to. He
Speaker 1: will see me cry.
Speaker 3: All of these things and we It was intimidating to
Speaker 3: me because I felt so naked, I felt so emotionally naked.
Speaker 3: But then it was also comemfortable, you know, like this
Speaker 3: is the most comfortable I could be with somebody.
Speaker 1: To get maybe Tami.
Speaker 3: I had never even walked around unclothed in front of
Speaker 3: anyone before, Yeah, because I always wanted to look perfect,
Speaker 3: and in this particular case, I was just walking around.
Speaker 3: I'm a virgin mistake obviously, No, I'm kidding anyway, But
Speaker 3: I felt comfortable, you know, like I'm gonna be you know,
Speaker 3: who I am, And to do that the first time
Speaker 3: in my forties was interesting and it just made me
Speaker 3: so much more open but also so much more emotional.
Speaker 3: So I'm just curious and for the younger folks who
Speaker 3: are always like primmed and you know, looking their best
Speaker 3: on Instagram, Like, how is it being your authentic self
Speaker 3: relating to another human being? For me, I've always felt
Speaker 3: very comfortable being myself because I was so raised to
Speaker 3: feel comfortable in my skin. But I look at a
Speaker 3: lot of my girlfriends and I can see that, like
Speaker 3: they feel as though they have to play a role
Speaker 3: that's like digestible or attractive or seems cool, whether that's
Speaker 3: you know, your stereotypic whole looking perfect on Instagram, or
Speaker 3: if you know they are a writer, they're like, I
Speaker 3: need to be up on the best books and I
Speaker 3: need to, you know, make them think that I know
Speaker 3: everything right, every new topic, or if they're into music,
Speaker 3: they're like, I need to know every song and everything,
Speaker 3: and I'm like, this is not sustainable or real. But
Speaker 3: I think because we're constantly just consuming content that seems
Speaker 3: so perfect, everyone thinks that's what they need to be
Speaker 3: and it really then you're not even being yourself your faith,
Speaker 3: and now this person's trying to peel off layers and
Speaker 3: really get to know.
Speaker 5: You, and then you, honestly, I feel like you lose yourself.
Speaker 5: So I'm very jealous of your generation that didn't have
Speaker 5: to deal with Instagram and it's tender and and it
Speaker 5: makes people feel like they're disposable exactly, you know, like.
Speaker 1: They're not real human beings.
Speaker 4: Absolutely, yeah, yes, that does your behavior, whether if people
Speaker 4: like something and that. I I remember one of the
Speaker 4: best lessons I learned from my dad, and I remember
Speaker 4: this clearly. I was at my grandmother's house and the
Speaker 4: neighbors next door.
Speaker 2: I had all the kids I used to play with.
Speaker 4: But this time I didn't want to play with the
Speaker 4: girl next door because my aunt had taken paper bags
Speaker 4: andce she did my hair where I had all of
Speaker 4: these curls and everything in this beautiful dress. And I said, well,
Speaker 4: I don't really want to play with them today because
Speaker 4: they don't look as nice as i'd love.
Speaker 2: And then I looked at my father.
Speaker 4: I was a little girl, and he looked at me,
Speaker 4: and the look in his eyes said, I could tell
Speaker 4: that he was not pleased with you know what I
Speaker 4: was saying. And I to to day, even when I
Speaker 4: got older, I thanked him for pointing that out to me,
Speaker 4: because I would have missed so many great opportunities in
Speaker 4: life by judging people by their looks, or by how
Speaker 4: much money they have or anything like that. That was
Speaker 4: a great lesson I learned from my dad.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's such a good point.
Speaker 3: Okay, y'all already know the streets are talking, talking, talking.
Speaker 3: Y'all know the streets are talking all the time about
Speaker 3: relationships always everybody. Every time I scroll on Instagram, some
Speaker 3: is a new relationship guru, some self declared person spitting
Speaker 3: that Instagram knowledge, you know, And I will causing people
Speaker 3: talk to somebody with some letters behind their names. You know,
Speaker 3: if you really want advice or our elders, I think
Speaker 3: you know, nothing can substitute just days spent on this
Speaker 3: earth and you know, someone who's been married sixty plus years.
Speaker 3: So with somebody who I think has always had really
Speaker 3: interesting thoughts on self love and being self full, was.
Speaker 1: Just you by yourself.
Speaker 3: As Tracy Ellis Ross, she's sharing some thoughts on why
Speaker 3: she is choicefully single. So I want you guys to
Speaker 3: take a listen and we can talk about it.
Speaker 7: On the other side, I, like many of us, was
Speaker 7: taught to grow up dreaming of my wedding, not of
Speaker 7: my life, and also waiting to be chosen. Well, here's
Speaker 7: the thing. I'm the chooser, and I can choose to
Speaker 7: get married if I want to. But in the meantime,
Speaker 7: I am choicefully single, happily, gloriously single, and I do
Speaker 7: wish there were more examples. So many people ask the question,
Speaker 7: have you ever thought about having children? My child gave
Speaker 7: my life meaning. I'm like, are you saying my life
Speaker 7: is not meaningful?
Speaker 3: So I thought Tracy Elis Ross raised a really good
Speaker 3: point because even in society it's like men are the choosers.
Speaker 3: I have been, you know, quote unquote chosen before. I
Speaker 3: don't know that I've ever chosen someone else. You know,
Speaker 3: I have recently, but it's you know, we're not an
Speaker 3: exclusive relationship, but I felt like, oh, I would choose you,
Speaker 3: and that's so important for us as women, you know,
Speaker 3: like do you choose me? And do I choose you?
Speaker 3: In coming together under that auspice? And who did the choosing?
Speaker 3: Do you think with you and your husband.
Speaker 2: In my relationship? My husband he.
Speaker 1: Shows you, say your husband shows you in your relationship?
Speaker 6: This is a funny story.
Speaker 5: So I've always had a crush on my boyfriend, Like
Speaker 5: I've known him for years, and he would DJ at
Speaker 5: different spots and so I would literally drag my friends
Speaker 5: and be.
Speaker 6: Like, we're going uptown, We're going all over the city.
Speaker 5: He's DJing here, he's DJing there, and this boy paid
Speaker 5: me no mine. Like he'd be like hey, and I'd
Speaker 5: be like damn, Like he doesn't he's not seeing it.
Speaker 5: And then one day we hung out and I saw
Speaker 5: him as a friend and I'm just talking like we're friends,
Speaker 5: literally going on my rants about how I feel about
Speaker 5: monogamy and just like he's a girlfriend, and he was like,
Speaker 5: I wanted to show you that the way you were
Speaker 5: thinking was really twisted, and so I wanted to be
Speaker 5: with you and show you, like what a good relationship
Speaker 5: could look like so in a way he shows me
Speaker 5: even though I stopped.
Speaker 1: But that is something about you know.
Speaker 3: I think younger women today, like younger women will do
Speaker 3: the choosing and I'm in, you know, in between these
Speaker 3: generations where I feel like I am an analog girl
Speaker 3: living in a digital world. You know, like you because
Speaker 3: when I'm doing the choosing, the dynamic is off. Now.
Speaker 3: You know, if I feel like the man in this position,
Speaker 3: you might feel a little emasculated at times. Yee, you know,
Speaker 3: like you choose me, Make it clear, make it obvious,
Speaker 3: Slap me across the face with it.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 3: One thing I will say about exposing yourself to somebody
Speaker 3: in that way, One thing I learned about myself.
Speaker 1: I can say some ugly things.
Speaker 3: When I am so open and honest and in love
Speaker 3: with someone, and they hurt my feelings. The things that
Speaker 3: I can spew, I have surprised myself because I am
Speaker 3: so deeply hurt. I'm curious in your marriage, can you
Speaker 3: recall a time where you did or said something to
Speaker 3: your husband It was below the belt, It was so
Speaker 3: hurtful and you wish you could take it back. Well,
Speaker 3: did that ever occur, and if it did how did
Speaker 3: you get past it?
Speaker 4: So you would have to ask him fair because I
Speaker 4: don't believe that I ever did that, because I'm very
Speaker 4: mindful about the things that I say, and maybe, like
Speaker 4: I'm sad it used to be a programmer. So maybe
Speaker 4: it's just logic in terms of way that I think,
Speaker 4: because I also like if I'm feeling something and say,
Speaker 4: if you might get a tinge of jealousy about something
Speaker 4: or anger, to me, that's the best time to grow.
Speaker 4: If you take a moment to really think about why
Speaker 4: you're angry or why you're jealous or whatever these feelings are.
Speaker 4: Sometimes you come up with a different answers, not really
Speaker 4: against the person that said something, but it could be
Speaker 4: something that you don't have in your life or you're
Speaker 4: lacking that you're jealous not so why are you jealous
Speaker 4: of this person? If you want to be like that,
Speaker 4: then do something so you can reach that goal. And
Speaker 4: those are my fear in terms of how to manage
Speaker 4: the way that I feel about things.
Speaker 3: And you said a key word there being logical and
Speaker 3: emotions are not always live. Yeah, it's something your friend
Speaker 3: of mine, Latasha, tells me it be judicious with your words.
Speaker 3: You know, and that is a lesson I'm still learning
Speaker 3: at this point because I haven't lived with anybody. I've
Speaker 3: never been married, and it's, you know, quite frankly, somebody
Speaker 3: who stands by me, and that says, yes, I make
Speaker 3: room for your personhood.
Speaker 1: I know that you say these things.
Speaker 3: I try to be mindful of that, but it's a
Speaker 3: lesson I haven't quite learned yet.
Speaker 1: You know, we've been talking.
Speaker 3: A lot about marriage and relationships, but I am mindful
Speaker 3: of all the single women out there who are not
Speaker 3: in a relationship. They're not married, and I just wonder
Speaker 3: how much does your relationship define you as a human being,
Speaker 3: as a woman, Like if your husband did go away,
Speaker 3: does that take part of your.
Speaker 1: Existence in who you are? Like, who would you have
Speaker 1: been just as an individual.
Speaker 2: That's a very hard question.
Speaker 4: I never really thought about it, but I would like
Speaker 4: to think I would be basically the same person that
Speaker 4: I am now, but maybe with a lot more time
Speaker 4: to do things that are not confined within the family
Speaker 4: or especially being older, because you no longer take care
Speaker 4: of children doing those kinds of things.
Speaker 3: So I'd imagine it's hard after being with someone since
Speaker 3: you were eighteen.
Speaker 1: So it really is defining it is?
Speaker 3: You know, it strikes me that some women define their
Speaker 3: entire existence by being able to attract a man or
Speaker 3: attract a husband. Could you be happy if you never
Speaker 3: you know, if you were never chosen by your boyfriend,
Speaker 3: if you were single the rest of your life, do
Speaker 3: you think you would be okay?
Speaker 6: If I were to lie to myself, I'd say yes.
Speaker 1: But if I were to.
Speaker 6: Be like very honest, I don't think so.
Speaker 5: Not in the sense of not being chosen, but wanting
Speaker 5: that companionship, like just wanting that person to come home to,
Speaker 5: like even now, like I'll be out all day and
Speaker 5: I'm so excited to come home to someone. But in
Speaker 5: that same vein, I feel like it shouldn't have to
Speaker 5: define you. I feel like people should continue to try
Speaker 5: to live their lives and have their fun and.
Speaker 6: Not always seek something.
Speaker 5: And I truly do think that things happen to you
Speaker 5: when you're not actively looking for it. As like cheesy
Speaker 5: and cliche as that is, like live your life and
Speaker 5: really develop who you are and who you want to be,
Speaker 5: because if you're not being real with yourself or you
Speaker 5: haven't really found yourself, how's anybody going to really be
Speaker 5: able to mess with you.
Speaker 6: I think your situation is a little different because you
Speaker 6: all grew up together.
Speaker 5: But now, you know, friends thirty four, thirty five, you
Speaker 5: are yourself and ideally that person who you find is
Speaker 5: accepting you for you, and if that doesn't happen, you're
Speaker 5: still comfortable with you.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: We're starting relationships later, yes, as you know different. My
Speaker 3: you know, peers started later. Your peers are starting even later.
Speaker 3: So yeah, it is Look I'll say for me, I
Speaker 3: do not think it is natural to connect and invest
Speaker 3: with someone mentally, spiritually and physically and not care if
Speaker 3: it works out or not, you know, just you know,
Speaker 3: kind of be indifferent about it all. And it feels
Speaker 3: like in this younger generation particularly, it's become kind of
Speaker 3: in vogue to, you know, just date multiple people and
Speaker 3: be indifferent about the whole thing. And I think that,
Speaker 3: to your point, goes against the human condition. It's just
Speaker 3: not what it is and the expectations that that younger
Speaker 3: people have the new rules around dating. I want to
Speaker 3: come back to something that you said when you and
Speaker 3: your husband separated.
Speaker 1: How long were you separated.
Speaker 2: I think we were separated about maybe seven or eight
Speaker 2: years years. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Wow, that's a really months when you said that.
Speaker 2: Oh, no, years, it's about actually separated. It would have
Speaker 2: been less than that.
Speaker 4: But the thing is that at one point I moved
Speaker 4: to New Jersey to help my daughter. She got divorced,
Speaker 4: and I was there to help her with her son
Speaker 4: because she had she had yeah, and when she was
Speaker 4: in near heading what forty and a very very demanding
Speaker 4: career and the whole bed. So in essence, we were
Speaker 4: separated and coming back and forth because he was in
Speaker 4: Manhattan on seventy nine where our apartment was so automatically,
Speaker 4: I was there in Jersey most of the time a
Speaker 4: backup for my daughter and to help with my grandson.
Speaker 3: You know, eight years is a long time to be
Speaker 3: apart from your spouse, and I imagine a lot of
Speaker 3: things can happen in nearly a decade. I'm curious in relationships,
Speaker 3: what are your deal breakers like, because I feel like,
Speaker 3: you know, we sometimes people will swallow something that they're
Speaker 3: not really cool with, or you know, you tolerate something
Speaker 3: in the bigger picture, I guess, as a plane spoken
Speaker 3: way to say it is what does your husband get
Speaker 3: away with? You know, like, what are the things that
Speaker 3: you say I'm going to turn a blind eye. I'm
Speaker 3: going to forgive. I'm not going to see it as
Speaker 3: a don't ask, don't tell, especially during that separation time.
Speaker 4: Yes, I would basically say it was don't ask, don't tell.
Speaker 4: I never I never questioned what he was in because
Speaker 4: I really that was him. So it's not like I'm
Speaker 4: not that woman to try to follow him or do
Speaker 4: anything like that to catch see what he's doing. Because
Speaker 4: I have a lot that I'm doing myself. I have
Speaker 4: a life that i'm living, you know, working, I had,
Speaker 4: and in fact, my husband and I when we were separated,
Speaker 4: we invested in the New Yorker Club. I don't know
Speaker 4: if you ever heard of or heard of it, but
Speaker 4: the New Yorker Club was the first private club in
Speaker 4: New York City. It was a private club and it
Speaker 4: was a limited part and they had like about twenty
Speaker 4: limited partners of which my husband and I were involved with,
Speaker 4: and all the black people can come and have the
Speaker 4: events there. It was just a great, great idea, but
Speaker 4: we went bankrupt within a year. So there are a
Speaker 4: lot of different things that I tried. When my daughter
Speaker 4: as were older, I worked at African restaurant down on
Speaker 4: Chambers Street, Okapi. I was the general manager, and it
Speaker 4: just seems like everything that I've done has been initiated
Speaker 4: by someone else or a situation, or somebody referred me
Speaker 4: to something, because these are things ordinarily I would not
Speaker 4: have done on my own. But it's always challenging if
Speaker 4: you haven't done something off of free do it anyway
Speaker 4: you might you never know you might like it. And
Speaker 4: I managed the African restaurant where the staff spoke French
Speaker 4: and everything I did speak French, and one of the
Speaker 4: guys came back with a lot of wrong things on
Speaker 4: lit because of my friends. So et Ten, the assistant manager,
Speaker 4: he took care of all of the ordering and stuff.
Speaker 4: But it was one of the best experiences that I've
Speaker 4: ever had working in that restaurant.
Speaker 2: So there are a lot of different things.
Speaker 4: That I was trying and doing during that time, and
Speaker 4: of course being hands on helping with my grandson.
Speaker 3: After eight years, I was like, you get used to
Speaker 3: your own life and your own routine and you know,
Speaker 3: coming and going in your own way.
Speaker 1: So it had to be just real love that that
Speaker 1: brought you back to that justice.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it is.
Speaker 4: Because when I think about my husband's he's so funny.
Speaker 4: He's so charming, and I can always the picture that
Speaker 4: I have in my mind of him. When Janine d
Speaker 4: was smaller, we used to go upstate New York like
Speaker 4: a lot of times in the summertime.
Speaker 2: And I clearly remember one time.
Speaker 4: We were upstayed and we've stayed in the trailer in
Speaker 4: the night time. We would look at the stars and
Speaker 4: everything like that. And we went to the lake the
Speaker 4: next day and all of a sudden it got cloudy outside.
Speaker 4: It was dark, the sun went away, was getting cold,
Speaker 4: and my daughters looked at there has said, could you
Speaker 4: just please make the sun come out?
Speaker 2: And my husband got up there.
Speaker 4: And he did all kind of weird things like he
Speaker 4: was a witch doctor and everything like that.
Speaker 2: Do you know the sun came out?
Speaker 4: And I said, that man has made the sun come
Speaker 4: out for us. Ever since that time, I will never ever,
Speaker 4: I will never ever forget that.
Speaker 6: Wow my man.
Speaker 1: Wow Wow.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So I mean, if somebody's making the sun come out
Speaker 1: for you, that's don't.
Speaker 3: Draw you back after eight years? What are your deal breaker?
Speaker 3: It's like, what can It's different because marriage is different. Yeah,
Speaker 3: a boyfriend, yeah, but even as a boyfriend, like, what
Speaker 3: can your man get away with?
Speaker 1: What can your man get away with?
Speaker 5: I'm a little more flexible. I I like to live
Speaker 5: a donuts don't tell lifestyle. I'm like on a bachelor trip,
Speaker 5: I need to know, don't come home with nothing you
Speaker 5: didn't leave with. And that's kind of my perspective on it.
Speaker 5: But I think the biggest thing for me is trust, Like,
Speaker 5: don't sneak around. Like if you're getting crazy with your friends,
Speaker 5: you want to go out all night, have a good time, fine,
Speaker 5: but like, don't lie. Just tell me what you're doing.
Speaker 5: I think if you break my trust and I feel
Speaker 5: like you're sneaking around and like trying to get one
Speaker 5: over on me, then I don't appreciate that. But I
Speaker 5: think if you are open and honest and there's you know,
Speaker 5: certain things you want to do or certain new things
Speaker 5: you want to try, yeah, I'm I'm I think I'm
Speaker 5: open as long as he's honest.
Speaker 3: As long ago and he comes back and he says, listen,
Speaker 3: I'm going to Miami.
Speaker 1: What's the fellas, We're going to be kicking it.
Speaker 3: We're going to hit the drip clubs as if something
Speaker 3: goes down, Like I want some freedom this weekend yeah,
Speaker 3: something goes down with a woman. I don't want to
Speaker 3: feel like I'm breaking some holy covenant with you. I
Speaker 3: can't say what's going to happen, but it might, and
Speaker 3: I want to be upfront with you and tell you this.
Speaker 5: Now, you say what, I'm open to that. I think
Speaker 5: that that needs to go both ways. I think sometimes
Speaker 5: men aren't as open about that type of stuff because
Speaker 5: it feels a little more territorial.
Speaker 6: But I'm open to that.
Speaker 5: I don't need all the details. I don't need to
Speaker 5: know her name. I don't need to know everything that
Speaker 5: she done did. But I think if you're like safe
Speaker 5: and smart, I understand. I don't necessarily believe that someone
Speaker 5: could be with one person.
Speaker 1: For their entire life. I don't know. I don't know,
Speaker 1: but monogamy is something that you can adjust to.
Speaker 5: Yeah. Yeah, but I think that there will be times
Speaker 5: where looks like there's flexibility.
Speaker 6: Yeah yeah, what.
Speaker 1: Would you say about that mistake?
Speaker 4: I kind of think like I never really you know,
Speaker 4: you always try to stay positive and think about I
Speaker 4: think with two daughters a lot of time, that's the
Speaker 4: last thing on your mind. And see what my husband,
Speaker 4: his lifestyle was very different anyway because he has was
Speaker 4: always involved in giving parties and events until today. He's
Speaker 4: still working and he's eighty three years old, but he's
Speaker 4: a consultant with the Harlem Chamber of Commerce and they
Speaker 4: still today he's doing events.
Speaker 2: He loves doing those kind of things.
Speaker 4: So with him, it's I don't know, like he's out
Speaker 4: as part of making money. So that's a different situation
Speaker 4: that I'm that I was in the terms, and.
Speaker 3: I gotta say, if I'm in my eighties and I
Speaker 3: gotta worry about my husband and what he's doing in
Speaker 3: these streams, I'm at that point like I'm exhausted, because
Speaker 3: what do you say. You can't say grow up. It's
Speaker 3: like you're real grown already.
Speaker 4: Know this is from his younger days, because I find
Speaker 4: now that we're both senior citizens and real senior citizen. Yeah,
Speaker 4: I would basically say that's the best part of our
Speaker 4: marriage because it's nice when you get older. A lot
Speaker 4: of times if you're older, you become invisible to people
Speaker 4: when you're past a certain age, and it's like only
Speaker 4: like your old friends and or your husband. You can
Speaker 4: relate to so many different things. In fact, I told
Speaker 4: my daughters, I said, you know what when I was
Speaker 4: in Jersey, I noticed in all of the older white
Speaker 4: people were like extra nice to me and everything like that,
Speaker 4: and I just figured, I said, you know what, maybe
Speaker 4: this is the first time in their life that they've
Speaker 4: ever been discriminated against, and they can feel, you know,
Speaker 4: have more empathy for people that are old like them,
Speaker 4: because you become like a non you become like a
Speaker 4: non person, But you're not that way with people your
Speaker 4: own age.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well I'll keep y'all posted on when I experienced
Speaker 3: some white empathy.
Speaker 1: But yes, I take your point. Shadi.
Speaker 3: You have been saying that you've been sending your your
Speaker 3: boyfriend like pictures like this the ring I want this,
Speaker 3: Oh yes I have.
Speaker 6: It's that time.
Speaker 3: Yeah. That so that to me that's very interesting because
Speaker 3: maybe all are both doing and choosing, but you're saying, no,
Speaker 3: it's time like we are.
Speaker 1: How does that work?
Speaker 3: Essentially, you're saying it's time for you to propose to me,
Speaker 3: and that previous in your generation for sure, like men
Speaker 3: control that entire process.
Speaker 5: Yeah, we've had conversations like flat out like would you
Speaker 5: marry me?
Speaker 6: Would you want to get married?
Speaker 1: What would you want to do?
Speaker 5: And he's like, yes, I would, I would marry you,
Speaker 5: I'd want to do all of those things. And so
Speaker 5: I'm like, hey, well, looking at it, I'm being honest
Speaker 5: about biological clocks. I'm like, looking at the timeline, how
Speaker 5: things want to go now, I'm kind of envisioning my life.
Speaker 5: I'd want to be married before I start to think
Speaker 5: about a family.
Speaker 6: And so.
Speaker 5: I send those rings on over. I've sent some and
Speaker 5: he's like these are hideous, No okay, and then others
Speaker 5: he's like, okay, this will work, and I'm like.
Speaker 1: Great, some women are even proposing to men.
Speaker 6: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no no.
Speaker 1: What what do you think? Well, why what do you
Speaker 1: think about?
Speaker 3: Like sin, like, hey, here's the ring I want, let's
Speaker 3: make this happen, or like, hey, brother, will you marry me?
Speaker 4: What do you think I think that's fine nowadays to
Speaker 4: do that because these are really different, you know, different time. Yeah,
Speaker 4: so I think I have not a problem with women
Speaker 4: and asking a man to marry them.
Speaker 3: Well, we're coming to our closing time, and I want
Speaker 3: to take a moment of personal privilege and get some
Speaker 3: advice from you before we go. I am not in
Speaker 3: a committed relationship. I'm forty four, I would like a
Speaker 3: life partner. I'm completely open to marriage and what that
Speaker 3: might look like. I am working on the most important
Speaker 3: relationship with myself and I want to be okay no
Speaker 3: matter what happens.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 3: If I'm all into this man, this one person, and
Speaker 3: you know it doesn't work out, it's such a disappointment,
Speaker 3: you know, as it's point in life. And I'm just curious,
Speaker 3: as a woman who's been married sixty one years, you've
Speaker 3: gone through ups and downs, you're separated eight years, You've
Speaker 3: lived this very full life as a mother, a wife,
Speaker 3: but also just as a woman. You know, take away
Speaker 3: all that as a woman, you have lived.
Speaker 1: A full life.
Speaker 3: What advice would you have for me as I'm navigating
Speaker 3: these issues being middle aged, So.
Speaker 4: Don't define yourself as being middle aged. First and foremost,
Speaker 4: it's just about being a woman and understand standing where
Speaker 4: you're going and want with what you want out of life,
Speaker 4: and just how you put that effort into everything else.
Speaker 4: Put that same effort into into finding that person that's
Speaker 4: there for you, and it may not. It's not always
Speaker 4: the brightest bulb.
Speaker 2: In the room.
Speaker 4: I think a lot of times women limit themselves. I
Speaker 4: clearly remember one time. I always have stories to tell,
Speaker 4: and they says a younger. We were at a party.
Speaker 4: We were all sitting around the table, and then there
Speaker 4: was the guy that came into the party and always said, oh,
Speaker 4: he's so nice. Everybody's so sweet. And another guy that
Speaker 4: was sitting at the table with us said, yeah, but
Speaker 4: he's not the one that any of you would date.
Speaker 4: You're always going with the ones that's the worst guys,
Speaker 4: the bad boys, all the time. So like broad in
Speaker 4: your horizon, and you know, travel and look for diamonds
Speaker 4: in different places. They're not always like down in a
Speaker 4: cave or a mine somewhere, they're everywhere.
Speaker 1: Well, I hope I can find a diamond to make
Speaker 1: the sun come out for it.
Speaker 4: But if you don't, and not to worry about it.
Speaker 4: I have friends today that have never been they've never
Speaker 4: been married, never have children, and they're my age. They
Speaker 4: have a great life. They have plenty of money, They
Speaker 4: travel and do everything. And even I have a two
Speaker 4: girl friends and her daughter decided to get a townhouse
Speaker 4: together instead of them all separately spending all of this
Speaker 4: different money, and the three of them have their privacy
Speaker 4: and together. Not only are they saving a lot of money,
Speaker 4: but they have built a nice a nice and nice
Speaker 4: place for themselves. And so you have people to look
Speaker 4: after you and somebody you know, they cook or if
Speaker 4: you get sick or so it's like they have a community,
Speaker 4: a family within themselves.
Speaker 1: I love that.
Speaker 3: Yes, again, this conversation has fed my spirit. I thank
Speaker 3: you both for sharing your stories. This is why I
Speaker 3: like having younger people here because you've imparted knowledge as well.
Speaker 3: You know your your path and representing out younger people
Speaker 3: view partnership and certainly your stage counsel on just living
Speaker 3: your life and your experience as a wife has been amazing.
Speaker 3: I want to close the show by saying marriage is
Speaker 3: not one long first date. And when you think about
Speaker 3: marriage in terms of someone to grow old with, it
Speaker 3: is not the person that you're looking at now, but
Speaker 3: who you want holding your hand in those rough times
Speaker 3: when you lose your mother, when you're burying a parent,
Speaker 3: s did you lose a child, when you're in cancering,
Speaker 3: you know, in the hospital and can't wipe your own
Speaker 3: behind like.
Speaker 1: That is the crux of what makes a marriage work.
Speaker 3: And I look forward to having experience if that is
Speaker 3: God's plan for me. But also, I think just the
Speaker 3: beauty and magic that come from finding someone who can
Speaker 3: make the sun come out for you on a class.
Speaker 3: So best wishes to all of you in your marriage
Speaker 3: and building beautiful Black love because that's been such a
Speaker 3: huge part of our superpower as a community. And if
Speaker 3: you're on that journey to find that love, generate that love.
Speaker 3: Here first, someone gave me great advice and said, become.
Speaker 1: Love and then you will attract love.
Speaker 3: Thank you for joining us for this episode of Across
Speaker 3: Generations and we look forward to talking to you next time.
Speaker 3: Across Generations is brought to you by Will Packer and
Speaker 3: will Packer Media in partnership with iHeart Podcast, I'm Your
Speaker 3: Host and executive producer Tiffany d Cross from Idea to
Speaker 3: Launch Productions Executive producer Carla will Merit. Produced by Mandy
Speaker 3: Bee and Angel Forte. Editing, sound design and mix by
Speaker 3: Gaza Forte. Original music by Epidemic Sounds. Video editing by
Speaker 3: Kathin Alexander and Courtney Dan