1 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:19,079 Speaker 1: Happy Friday. How goes it? No good answer. 2 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:22,279 Speaker 2: It's a Friday. I'm glad. I'm always glad when it's Friday. 3 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:25,119 Speaker 3: It does feel a little relieving, although I will say I 4 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:28,040 Speaker 3: have been working such odd hours and days, like I 5 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:29,319 Speaker 3: don't even know what day of the week it is. 6 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:32,400 Speaker 3: Half the time. It feels like I don't even I'm not, 7 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:33,159 Speaker 3: I don't know. 8 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:39,519 Speaker 2: Especially yeah, I'm I'm I agree. But I also like 9 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,640 Speaker 2: there's something about and I don't know if this is 10 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:44,879 Speaker 2: like a post COVID thing, because it always kind of 11 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:48,559 Speaker 2: felt this way, and it's especially the music industry, but 12 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:51,240 Speaker 2: I feel like it's this way across the board now, 13 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,920 Speaker 2: Like Fridays just feel different, like they feel lighter, they 14 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:59,480 Speaker 2: feel like people are starting to wind down for the weekend. 15 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,520 Speaker 2: And I don't think that it was always that way 16 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:02,440 Speaker 2: across the board. 17 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:05,280 Speaker 1: What about TJIF back in the day. 18 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:08,120 Speaker 3: I guess there's that I remember growing up, like we 19 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:11,080 Speaker 3: got pizza every Friday, we watched TGIF. 20 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:13,520 Speaker 2: Like you, Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah, maybe it 21 00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:16,919 Speaker 2: finally is just like all that effort has finally worked, 22 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:17,440 Speaker 2: you know. 23 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:21,640 Speaker 3: Yeah, let's catching up with you at fifty there you go, Well, 24 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:25,240 Speaker 3: this week on the podcast, I talked to nitty to Tawar. 25 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,560 Speaker 3: I can't even talk Tawar. 26 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,640 Speaker 1: I'm trying. Sorry, just butchered that. 27 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,040 Speaker 3: But she wrote a book called Working Well, which I 28 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:38,400 Speaker 3: think is such an interesting conversation. It's something that feels 29 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:40,679 Speaker 3: really simple when you really start saying it out loud. 30 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:44,280 Speaker 3: But from my own experience in relationship, I find this 31 00:01:44,319 --> 00:01:48,080 Speaker 3: to be one of the biggest blocks or walls that 32 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:51,640 Speaker 3: people bump up against. And she's really discussing like our 33 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 3: inability to bring attunement to the table and within a relationship. 34 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:01,080 Speaker 3: That's obviously very import coord you actually were you going 35 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,640 Speaker 3: to look up the definition of attainment? 36 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,440 Speaker 1: Do you have it? Why don't we start there? 37 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:07,240 Speaker 2: Yeah, let's start there. So attuement is the process of 38 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:11,600 Speaker 2: bringing into harmony, acting as the ability to be present, aware, 39 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:15,919 Speaker 2: and responsive to one's own emotions or the internal state 40 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:19,840 Speaker 2: of another. It involves deep emotional connection, allowing individuals to 41 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:25,360 Speaker 2: feel felt, fostering empathy, secure attachment, and in relationships, a 42 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:27,160 Speaker 2: shared resonant understanding. 43 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,760 Speaker 3: So it's obviously something we would all want to feel, right, 44 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,680 Speaker 3: especially if you're going through something difficult. I know for 45 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:37,040 Speaker 3: me as a flour on the Enneagram. The number one 46 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:40,840 Speaker 3: thing I want is to feel seen and understood, especially 47 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,640 Speaker 3: in moments like that. So attunement is like a very 48 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:49,680 Speaker 3: important skill set for anyone I'm in relationship in to have, 49 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,000 Speaker 3: because it's like, I think the biggest thing for me 50 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:56,200 Speaker 3: is when I don't feel seen or understood, it really 51 00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:59,560 Speaker 3: creates a lot more issues within my relationship instead of 52 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,200 Speaker 3: just like feeling like, Okay, my partner hears me, or 53 00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:04,520 Speaker 3: my friend gets this or whatever, Like it's just a 54 00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:07,440 Speaker 3: very important thing. I said this to you before the podcast, 55 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,200 Speaker 3: and I don't mean this in like a cocky way 56 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,560 Speaker 3: at all. I think this is a skill set that 57 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:14,800 Speaker 3: comes to me more naturally than like others. And I 58 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:17,760 Speaker 3: didn't realize that probably until the last couple of years 59 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,920 Speaker 3: of my life, and there's a lot of skills that 60 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,480 Speaker 3: don't come naturally to me. I'm not saying it in 61 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 3: that way, but this is like a part of my personality, 62 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,760 Speaker 3: and like a lot of the feedback I get from 63 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:30,360 Speaker 3: people i'm in relationship with is I just feel so 64 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,040 Speaker 3: safe and I like understood or I feel like you 65 00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:36,200 Speaker 3: just heard me or whatever. And I think part of 66 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:40,240 Speaker 3: it is because I'm like super comfortable sitting with people 67 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:43,280 Speaker 3: in dark emotions and like letting them be there, not 68 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 3: trying to pull them out of Well, you're a too, 69 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:49,280 Speaker 3: So I'm a feeler and I'm comfortable. Yeah, And like 70 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:53,480 Speaker 3: I think when someone's upset, I have such high empathy, 71 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,560 Speaker 3: I immediately, like I start to feel what they're feeling too, 72 00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:00,320 Speaker 3: and so it's easier for me to navigate, if that 73 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,280 Speaker 3: makes sense, because I'm kind of like feeling it myself. 74 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,480 Speaker 3: And I just realized, like not that long ago, that 75 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:10,760 Speaker 3: that is not how everyone feels when something's going on 76 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:13,240 Speaker 3: for someone else or that someone Like if I'm going 77 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:17,160 Speaker 3: through a hard time my boyfriend, like if I present 78 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:20,120 Speaker 3: him all the things that he immediately goes to like 79 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:23,000 Speaker 3: how what do I physically do to help her? Like 80 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:26,359 Speaker 3: how do I get she's complaining about X, Y and Z, 81 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:28,839 Speaker 3: How do I fix this for her whatever? And it's 82 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:31,040 Speaker 3: never really what I'm asking of him. And that's been 83 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:33,080 Speaker 3: kind of one of our battles, is like learning how 84 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,400 Speaker 3: to work with each other in that dynamic because he's 85 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,120 Speaker 3: such a fixer and my mom is like that, you know, 86 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:42,159 Speaker 3: like very action oriented. None of that is wrong, it's 87 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,960 Speaker 3: just different wiring. And I think it's like important for 88 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:48,000 Speaker 3: us to talk about it so we can really figure out, like, 89 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:52,080 Speaker 3: in certain moments, what are people actually asking of us? 90 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:53,880 Speaker 1: Are they asking us to fix it? 91 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:56,720 Speaker 3: Are they just asking us to listen so they can 92 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:58,200 Speaker 3: feel heard and understood. 93 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:00,880 Speaker 2: I want to go further into this definition two of 94 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,920 Speaker 2: atuonment because there are three types of it. There's emotional relational, 95 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:08,200 Speaker 2: which is common in parenting and romantic partnerships to foster secure, 96 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 2: deep connections. There's self attuonement, which is being aware of, 97 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:14,000 Speaker 2: being aware of and in tune with what's happening in 98 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:16,400 Speaker 2: your own inner world. And then they're spiritual, the practice 99 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:19,680 Speaker 2: of connecting to a higher, universal or spiritual source. And 100 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:23,039 Speaker 2: so I would think, and obviously this is a blanket statement, 101 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:27,640 Speaker 2: but I would think that women are probably better at 102 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:32,640 Speaker 2: attunement because of the inherent nature of mothering. That is, 103 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,279 Speaker 2: you know, not every woman wants to be a mother 104 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,159 Speaker 2: or even feels the call to be a mom, But 105 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:42,479 Speaker 2: I do think our instincts are our human instincts, and 106 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:46,880 Speaker 2: you know, when a baby cries before they know words, 107 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 2: the mother has to be attuned to that in some 108 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,520 Speaker 2: way to like be like, I don't think she's feeling well, 109 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,880 Speaker 2: or he's feeling well, or I think he's hungry. Like 110 00:05:56,360 --> 00:06:00,520 Speaker 2: a cry is a cry is a cry to most dads, 111 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,159 Speaker 2: Like it's just a baby crying and they're not they 112 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,640 Speaker 2: don't know why. And you know, even as as a 113 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:08,599 Speaker 2: dog owner, like my dogs can't talk to me, but 114 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:12,960 Speaker 2: I can read them, and I'm so attuned to them 115 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,960 Speaker 2: that I know I can tell when something is off 116 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:18,960 Speaker 2: and I have to figure it out, but you know, 117 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:23,080 Speaker 2: it's Another example is like in the relationship portion, it's 118 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:25,919 Speaker 2: you know, with you and your boyfriend. If you're like, 119 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:30,599 Speaker 2: leave me alone, I'm fine, Like you're saying I'm fine, 120 00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:33,679 Speaker 2: but really fine, but you're not fine. So someone who's 121 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:38,520 Speaker 2: attuned to you knows that there's a deeper meaning to that. Yeah, 122 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,000 Speaker 2: but you're also asking to be left. 123 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,960 Speaker 3: Alone, right, So yeah, I don't really do that. 124 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:43,840 Speaker 1: I'm pretty much I know that. 125 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,480 Speaker 2: I mean that's just an ex not necessarily you. Yeah, 126 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:50,680 Speaker 2: but yeah, it's like when someone says, just leave me alone, 127 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,359 Speaker 2: I'm fine, Like you have to kind of listen to 128 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,240 Speaker 2: both things, Like you have to understand that they're not 129 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,599 Speaker 2: fine in the moment, but they're also asking to be 130 00:06:57,680 --> 00:06:59,920 Speaker 2: left alone, so you fix. 131 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:01,239 Speaker 1: It, try to respect something. 132 00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:04,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, you're trying to fix that moment for them is 133 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:08,919 Speaker 2: only going to make them less fine, you know, yeah. 134 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:09,360 Speaker 1: No, it's so true. 135 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,480 Speaker 3: I do have a question for you because you know, 136 00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:14,040 Speaker 3: we talk a lot about Enneagram on this podcast, and 137 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:17,720 Speaker 3: whether you know your Enneagram number or not, it's it's 138 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:20,360 Speaker 3: kind of an interesting deep dive into your personality. And 139 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:24,520 Speaker 3: I'm a four, so I feel things deeply. I'm also comfortable, 140 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:28,800 Speaker 3: maybe sometimes too comfortable in low emotions, Like they don't 141 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:30,600 Speaker 3: scare me at all. It doesn't scare me to feel 142 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:32,240 Speaker 3: sad or mad or whatever. I find it to be 143 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:35,640 Speaker 3: a very important process. You as a seven, which is 144 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:39,200 Speaker 3: also what my boyfriend is, hate the low emotions, right, 145 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,440 Speaker 3: and so I think what happens to me a lot 146 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:45,240 Speaker 3: of times, like when he's wanting to help me, it 147 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:47,080 Speaker 3: almost comes across that he wants me. 148 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:48,080 Speaker 1: Out of that feeling. 149 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,120 Speaker 3: Like that's how I take it is that he just 150 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,440 Speaker 3: wants me to be up in the high emotions again, 151 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,080 Speaker 3: and so it pisses me off, you know what I mean, 152 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,000 Speaker 3: Wondering with you, like, have you ever faced that in 153 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:01,400 Speaker 3: a relationship where some was like I just need to 154 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,080 Speaker 3: feel sad and you have a hard time, like letting 155 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:05,000 Speaker 3: them feel that. 156 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:11,840 Speaker 2: Not so specifically in that way, like not low emotion way, 157 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:16,680 Speaker 2: but I do look back where I often choose for 158 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,040 Speaker 2: a lack of a better term, like the broken bird, 159 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:23,280 Speaker 2: you know, like someone who's not in the best situation 160 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:25,360 Speaker 2: in their life, and I think that I can make 161 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:28,920 Speaker 2: it better. And that's not what I'm actively thinking, but 162 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,160 Speaker 2: in hindsight, I look back and I'm like, of course 163 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,640 Speaker 2: it was never gonna work out because they could like 164 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,720 Speaker 2: they were in a spot that they couldn't give me 165 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,600 Speaker 2: what I needed anyway totally. But I thought that I 166 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:42,280 Speaker 2: could make life better for them and then that would 167 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:46,680 Speaker 2: all work itself out. And rather than just like accepting 168 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:51,200 Speaker 2: someone for who they are and choosing someone for who 169 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:54,600 Speaker 2: they are and being okay with that and just moving on, 170 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,160 Speaker 2: I think it's a it's a it's a fatal flaw 171 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:02,200 Speaker 2: in my relationship. Pick yeah, because I have wanted to 172 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,280 Speaker 2: be a fixer, even though I don't want to be 173 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:07,079 Speaker 2: a fuck a fixer, It's just what I do. So 174 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,320 Speaker 2: I have to be more in tune, more attuned to 175 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:13,280 Speaker 2: like what cause I need to, like lean in, become 176 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,680 Speaker 2: more attuned to like what causes me to want to 177 00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:16,480 Speaker 2: be in that position. 178 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 1: That's interesting, you know, because. 179 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:21,720 Speaker 2: It's maybe I'm the one that needs somebody to help 180 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,040 Speaker 2: fix me a little bit. You know. 181 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,320 Speaker 3: Well, I was gonna say, I do think I do 182 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,920 Speaker 3: often wonder with fixers because there's often a need for 183 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:34,000 Speaker 3: validation for the fixing, you know, like or praise or whatever. 184 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:37,360 Speaker 3: And so I wonder if there's a like that you're 185 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,560 Speaker 3: looking into that for yourself, because I think that's an 186 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:43,200 Speaker 3: interesting thought, like what are you actually seeking? And like 187 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:45,679 Speaker 3: if you fix them, what do you what do you 188 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,280 Speaker 3: get from that? You know, like is there validation that 189 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:50,840 Speaker 3: comes from it? Is it the relationship that you want 190 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:51,760 Speaker 3: that you're not getting. 191 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:53,199 Speaker 1: I don't know. I wish. 192 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,000 Speaker 3: I wish people could sometimes be a fly on the 193 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,840 Speaker 3: wall when I'm mad, because I do think it's one 194 00:09:56,880 --> 00:10:00,640 Speaker 3: I'm my funniest, not on purpose. I have no fucking filter, 195 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,960 Speaker 3: and so I tend to make my friends laugh during 196 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,839 Speaker 3: that time. But with my rants and stuff. But one 197 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,640 Speaker 3: of the things, like I'll do with my boyfriend is 198 00:10:08,679 --> 00:10:12,760 Speaker 3: I'm just like, like, if I get upset and he's like, okay, 199 00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:15,400 Speaker 3: well and he offers some solution, you know, God bless him. 200 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,760 Speaker 3: He's trying to be nice and I'm. 201 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:18,840 Speaker 1: I'm like, don't fix me. 202 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,800 Speaker 3: I don't want it, you know, Like it makes me melt 203 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,520 Speaker 3: down because I'm like, I'm a highly capable person, Like 204 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,520 Speaker 3: I get shit done, more shit done in a day 205 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,280 Speaker 3: than most people. You know. This is the rants that 206 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:29,680 Speaker 3: I go on. But it's like, why can't you just 207 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,760 Speaker 3: fucking listen to me for a second or let me 208 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:35,360 Speaker 3: bitch about it and be mad, Like I know most 209 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,000 Speaker 3: of the time when I'm upset, the things that I'm 210 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:39,800 Speaker 3: saying are not fully rational, like I'm fully aware of it, 211 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:43,840 Speaker 3: but I need to save them anyway. Right, So there's 212 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,240 Speaker 3: like a process for me as such a deep feeler 213 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:49,319 Speaker 3: of getting the feelings out of my body. That's so important. 214 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,360 Speaker 3: And I think the people that have known me a 215 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:55,520 Speaker 3: long time have learned that, you know, Like I feel 216 00:10:55,559 --> 00:10:57,199 Speaker 3: like all you guys just know, I just got to 217 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,720 Speaker 3: go through my process, like I'll get out of it 218 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:01,960 Speaker 3: ever stay stuck there, And a lot of times now 219 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,800 Speaker 3: I don't stay stuck there long at all. But if 220 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,560 Speaker 3: I don't get it out, it will blow up for 221 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:09,400 Speaker 3: everybody later. And that's not a good thing. It's not 222 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:12,480 Speaker 3: Oh God, bless my boyfriend. He's still learning that one 223 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:15,480 Speaker 3: with me. But but I do think it's an interesting 224 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:18,000 Speaker 3: thing because it really is like a personality trait too, 225 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:21,640 Speaker 3: like you just are a helper as like by nature. 226 00:11:21,679 --> 00:11:23,720 Speaker 3: I mean talk about during the eye storm you started 227 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:25,400 Speaker 3: that chainsaw company. 228 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:26,080 Speaker 1: That was a joke. 229 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:29,719 Speaker 3: But like, but you don't like you, Yeah, you want 230 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,200 Speaker 3: to get out and do for people, I would be 231 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:35,080 Speaker 3: okay going and like, like doing for me is like 232 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,480 Speaker 3: sitting with them and like in talking through it or 233 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 3: listening or whatever. So we all have our own ways 234 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,959 Speaker 3: of doing that. And I think it's really important then 235 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:48,640 Speaker 3: to really be specific with the person that's asking something 236 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:48,920 Speaker 3: of you. 237 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,560 Speaker 1: So I have I have like a little game. 238 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:03,040 Speaker 3: And basically when it's throw out scenarios to you and 239 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:07,400 Speaker 3: you tell me what you think they're actually asking for. 240 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:11,480 Speaker 1: Does that yeah? Yeah, okay. 241 00:12:11,559 --> 00:12:16,240 Speaker 3: So here's scenario one. Someone texts you three long messages 242 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,679 Speaker 3: about work at eleven pm. So what do you think 243 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:23,839 Speaker 3: they're actually asking for? If they text you three long 244 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 3: text messages about work? 245 00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:31,719 Speaker 2: I mean, a, it's really annoying, but I think they 246 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:34,520 Speaker 2: just want the attention, you know, or just like to 247 00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:37,360 Speaker 2: be heard, you mean to be heard. And also like 248 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,880 Speaker 2: have some sort of sense of loyalty, you know, like. 249 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:46,440 Speaker 3: If like that, you're gonna listen, Yeah, okay, what would 250 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,720 Speaker 3: you instinctively do. 251 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,000 Speaker 2: I mean, at eleven thirty pm, depending on what it says, 252 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:54,240 Speaker 2: I would just ignore it. I would market unread and 253 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:55,240 Speaker 2: deal with it in the morning. 254 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,720 Speaker 3: Morning. Me too, that's a boundary that's too yet for 255 00:12:57,760 --> 00:12:58,679 Speaker 3: me to jump too late. 256 00:12:59,440 --> 00:12:59,760 Speaker 1: Hows that. 257 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:03,200 Speaker 3: Have you ever jumped in on someone's problem and it 258 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:04,200 Speaker 3: gone wrong with you? 259 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:04,640 Speaker 1: For you? 260 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:11,040 Speaker 2: Well? I can. I can remember. This one's very specific 261 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,280 Speaker 2: and it sticks with me. When I was in fifth grade, 262 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:17,040 Speaker 2: my grandmother died and later in the year a girl 263 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:22,800 Speaker 2: in my class her father died, and I said to her, 264 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:27,240 Speaker 2: I know how it feels. Oh, And she looked at 265 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,160 Speaker 2: me like she cut me off, and she said, do 266 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:32,480 Speaker 2: you have no fucking idea how it feels? And in 267 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:36,200 Speaker 2: that moment, I was like, she's right, my dad's still alive. 268 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,679 Speaker 2: He's going to come home and have dinner with me tonight, right. 269 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:42,080 Speaker 2: And it was in that moment I learned that, like, 270 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,640 Speaker 2: you have to be really careful in moments when you're 271 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:49,120 Speaker 2: trying to be a fixer, you know, like there's other 272 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,400 Speaker 2: things that you can say, to make people feel that 273 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:55,839 Speaker 2: you're there for them without trying to like live their experience. 274 00:13:56,720 --> 00:14:02,400 Speaker 3: That's really good. Yeah, Okay, here's another scenario. Your partner says, 275 00:14:02,559 --> 00:14:04,480 Speaker 3: I don't know what to do. So they tell you 276 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,400 Speaker 3: a situation and then they're like, I don't know. 277 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,200 Speaker 1: What to do. 278 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,880 Speaker 3: Do you hear that as a problem to solve? Do 279 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:13,200 Speaker 3: you think that they like they want your advice? When 280 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,719 Speaker 3: I say that, what do you think they want? 281 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,640 Speaker 2: I feel like my gut is to like try to 282 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:22,920 Speaker 2: help them solve the problem. I have a friend who's 283 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:26,520 Speaker 2: living with me right now, and he's dealing with some shit, 284 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:30,280 Speaker 2: and i'd definitely, like i'd give him the advice that 285 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,600 Speaker 2: I think he's looking for, but I'm certainly and it's 286 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,240 Speaker 2: relational stuff too, so it's not anything that I can 287 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:39,880 Speaker 2: really fix for him. But I also, like, I see 288 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,680 Speaker 2: how he struggles with like the guilt of situations, and 289 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,960 Speaker 2: I try to just make him like look at it 290 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,800 Speaker 2: from his perspective versus the other person's perspective that he 291 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:54,640 Speaker 2: seems really hung up on. So when yeah, I think 292 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:59,320 Speaker 2: I try to give them perspective also, like you know, 293 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,480 Speaker 2: it's what I do on a daily basis is self 294 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:06,320 Speaker 2: for people, I manage things, so it's an inherent thing 295 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,800 Speaker 2: in me. But I also recognize that, like I'll get 296 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,760 Speaker 2: I'm so much better at giving advice than putting those 297 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:16,960 Speaker 2: things into action for myself. So to me, I do 298 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,080 Speaker 2: think it's like I think I'm being helpful because I 299 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:23,560 Speaker 2: do think I give good advice, But I'm also like, 300 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:26,360 Speaker 2: because I'll tell people to do things that I do 301 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:27,800 Speaker 2: not have the balls to do myself. 302 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,480 Speaker 1: You know, please, you're honest. 303 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'll be like, this is what I think you 304 00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:34,600 Speaker 2: should do. But then I'm like, in the back of 305 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,640 Speaker 2: my mind, I'm like, I'm I would never do that myself, 306 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,640 Speaker 2: but that's that's what I should be doing too, right 307 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:45,720 Speaker 2: in those particular situations. But yeah, when someone asks says 308 00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:47,240 Speaker 2: I don't know what to do, I feel like I 309 00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,000 Speaker 2: try to give them some options. 310 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,000 Speaker 3: I would take it. This is one of the things 311 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,360 Speaker 3: I learned therapy many years ago. But if I if 312 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:55,840 Speaker 3: someone said to me I don't know what to do 313 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,320 Speaker 3: and they just open ended said that like that, I 314 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,440 Speaker 3: would say, well, do you want feedback. 315 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,080 Speaker 2: Because that's a really good call. 316 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,320 Speaker 3: Then it's like, do you even want my advice or 317 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:05,520 Speaker 3: do you just want me to live. Are you just 318 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,840 Speaker 3: trying to vent and get it out? And like you'd 319 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:09,600 Speaker 3: be surprised. A lot of times people are like, no, 320 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,960 Speaker 3: I think I just want to like get They don't 321 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,840 Speaker 3: really want advice. I think a lot of us are 322 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:19,000 Speaker 3: external processors, and so to work through something, we need 323 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,920 Speaker 3: to say it out loud. And then as you're saying 324 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:24,640 Speaker 3: it out loud, oftentimes you're hearing yourself and coming to 325 00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,920 Speaker 3: your own solutions, you know, like within that timeline even 326 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:32,560 Speaker 3: but it can get tricky when people are like just 327 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:36,040 Speaker 3: offering almost like unsolicited advice when you're just wanting to talk. 328 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,000 Speaker 1: So I don't know. 329 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,840 Speaker 3: Yeah, it's really it's been a really helpful tool in 330 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:42,760 Speaker 3: relationships because then a lot of times too, people are like, yeah, 331 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:44,480 Speaker 3: I do want your feedback, and I'm like, well, here's 332 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,320 Speaker 3: what I hear. But then it leaves them still open 333 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:49,680 Speaker 3: to like doing whatever they want with it. Like it's 334 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:51,680 Speaker 3: not like I'm saying this is the right way, it's 335 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,920 Speaker 3: just like this is how I heard that, this is 336 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:55,920 Speaker 3: what I would think, and like these are some things 337 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,320 Speaker 3: I've noticed, or sometimes you're just like pointing out things 338 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:02,440 Speaker 3: they didn't notice, not actually making the decision for them. 339 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:05,520 Speaker 3: You know, like or trying to because that I've exhausted 340 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,320 Speaker 3: myself of that plenty of times in my lifetime and 341 00:17:08,359 --> 00:17:10,280 Speaker 3: it doesn't ever work. People are going to do what 342 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,440 Speaker 3: they want to do at the end of the day. 343 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,239 Speaker 2: So like, well, I also too, I think it like 344 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,719 Speaker 2: it breaks down that wall for them to feel that 345 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:20,520 Speaker 2: they're being judged. You know, like if you just immediately 346 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:23,639 Speaker 2: come at somebody with advice like here's they might feel 347 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,400 Speaker 2: that like you've been secretly judging them or paying attention 348 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:26,920 Speaker 2: to things. 349 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,359 Speaker 3: Well, that you have to do it that way or 350 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,560 Speaker 3: else y'all's relationship is going to suffer, you know what 351 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,440 Speaker 3: I mean. Yeah, And that's like everyone has to live 352 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:37,600 Speaker 3: their life for themselves at the end of the day 353 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,520 Speaker 3: because they're the only ones living their life. So like 354 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,360 Speaker 3: we really can't. Of course, we can advise from things 355 00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:45,159 Speaker 3: we observe, but you can't tell someone what to do 356 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:47,800 Speaker 3: with their life. Like one of the hardest lessons I've 357 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:51,440 Speaker 3: had to learn. Yeah, yeah, Okay, here's one A friend 358 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:55,160 Speaker 3: vince about the same situation for the fifth time. At 359 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,560 Speaker 3: what point do you want to fix it? Do you 360 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,360 Speaker 3: think they're actually asking for help or permission to stay 361 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,639 Speaker 3: where they're at. How do you usually respond to that? 362 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,600 Speaker 2: I mean, I definitely think that they're just asking for 363 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:09,359 Speaker 2: permission to stay where they're at, and I would probably 364 00:18:09,359 --> 00:18:12,320 Speaker 2: make fun of them, like I would. I would like, 365 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,960 Speaker 2: I would try to make light of it because often 366 00:18:15,119 --> 00:18:18,080 Speaker 2: like if anyone's so stuck that they're like talking about that, 367 00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:22,400 Speaker 2: like it's probably not that deep, you know, Like that's 368 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,720 Speaker 2: why I'm just like, are we talking about this again? 369 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,280 Speaker 2: Like I would make light of it. Yeah, I mean, 370 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:30,360 Speaker 2: obviously there are exceptions to the role where it is 371 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:35,119 Speaker 2: that deep and they are dealing with something that is insurmountable. 372 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:38,520 Speaker 2: But at that point I would probably be like, I 373 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:40,760 Speaker 2: think you need to talk to a professional like this, 374 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,679 Speaker 2: this is beyond me. Like we've talked about this so 375 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:47,800 Speaker 2: many times, and I actually feel like you're regressing or 376 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,120 Speaker 2: whatever it is, Like, I think you need to seek 377 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:51,200 Speaker 2: professional help here. 378 00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,000 Speaker 3: I've been on both sides of this, because I've definitely 379 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,879 Speaker 3: been the person who's stuck talking about this same fucking thing. 380 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,800 Speaker 2: We all have been. We all have that. 381 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:04,000 Speaker 3: But in those moments, actually like it was deep for 382 00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:08,040 Speaker 3: me because the topic itself was surface, but what was 383 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:12,960 Speaker 3: being targeted within me was like attachment wounding or my 384 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:16,320 Speaker 3: nervous system or my own self worth beliefs, you know, 385 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:19,800 Speaker 3: Like it was deeper issues, and it took me a 386 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:23,959 Speaker 3: minute to like the pain of that, like addressing that 387 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,720 Speaker 3: within myself. It took me a minute to like be 388 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,840 Speaker 3: able to fully face it head on. And so you 389 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:32,359 Speaker 3: make whatever the situation is, whether it's a relationship another person, 390 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:36,200 Speaker 3: whatever the problem, until you can like look at your 391 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:40,480 Speaker 3: own pain and like nurture that, you know what I'm saying, Yeah, 392 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,480 Speaker 3: I would say, like if someone's venting, I will say 393 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,119 Speaker 3: there have been in the last couple of years a 394 00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:49,600 Speaker 3: couple friends that I have set boundaries when we're having 395 00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:52,640 Speaker 3: the same conversation because I'm like, I can't I get 396 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:56,399 Speaker 3: so emotionally invested with people's stories and their pain, and 397 00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:59,320 Speaker 3: like I don't want people to be hurting. And if 398 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:02,639 Speaker 3: it's the same story over and over and they're clearly 399 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:06,719 Speaker 3: not doing anything different, nor are they actually like planning 400 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,320 Speaker 3: to yeah, like they're just wanting to say the same 401 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:10,960 Speaker 3: thing over and over, I have to say, like I 402 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:14,800 Speaker 3: can't do this anymore, Like I've reached a limit with 403 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,600 Speaker 3: that that scenario. Like I'm happy to support you if 404 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,760 Speaker 3: you want to do something different, but while you're staying here, Like, 405 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,240 Speaker 3: I can't be a part of this, So we can't 406 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:24,359 Speaker 3: talk about this anymore, like because it'll literally drain the 407 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:27,600 Speaker 3: life force out of me because I feel it with them, 408 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,480 Speaker 3: you know, and I'm like, I can't if you're not 409 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:31,480 Speaker 3: going to actually take an action step, then you're making 410 00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:33,440 Speaker 3: me waste my time, my breath, my like. 411 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,640 Speaker 1: Energy, all of it. Yeah, it feels. 412 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:40,399 Speaker 3: Harsh sometimes, but like, yeah, but I think boundaries are 413 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,280 Speaker 3: actually one of the most kind and loving things you 414 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:43,960 Speaker 3: can do for someone because it's like. 415 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:47,320 Speaker 2: Creates a consequence too that then they have to like 416 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:53,440 Speaker 2: really think about, you know, their contribution to whatever issue. 417 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:56,240 Speaker 3: Well righting with you know, because speaking on a loop, 418 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,720 Speaker 3: you're just you just want to rant. You're not actually 419 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,760 Speaker 3: like moving out, You're just you're stuck on the loop. 420 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,800 Speaker 2: You're actually enjoying it probably if. 421 00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,000 Speaker 1: They're getting something from it. 422 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,080 Speaker 2: Yeah, you're getting something from it. So it's like, stop 423 00:21:07,119 --> 00:21:08,840 Speaker 2: wasting my time if you actually want to be in 424 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:09,760 Speaker 2: this weird lou. 425 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:23,359 Speaker 3: Yeah, if someone says I'm just exhausted, what do you think, 426 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,679 Speaker 3: like people want you to do when they say that, 427 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,800 Speaker 3: what do you usually do when you hear that, what 428 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:32,320 Speaker 3: actually feels supportive there? And does that phrase stress you 429 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:33,359 Speaker 3: out or soften you? 430 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,240 Speaker 2: I mean I think I would ask why, like why 431 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:41,040 Speaker 2: are you so exhausted? Like and sort of just let them. 432 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,520 Speaker 3: See, But that would come could come across invalidating because 433 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,120 Speaker 3: like if it's depending on how much you know about 434 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:50,399 Speaker 3: their scenarios. But if someone's like, I'm just exhausted and 435 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:53,439 Speaker 3: you've seen all the things they've walked through, and you 436 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:54,480 Speaker 3: were like why. 437 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,439 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah, I guess I was thinking of like 438 00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:00,080 Speaker 2: just a random I'm exhausted, you know. 439 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,320 Speaker 3: I think that one would be a hard one for 440 00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:03,760 Speaker 3: me not to want to jump in and try to 441 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:05,120 Speaker 3: fix something for them. 442 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:08,760 Speaker 2: Right, because that's it's almost sounds like they're like on 443 00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:09,880 Speaker 2: the verge of giving up. 444 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,800 Speaker 3: Yeah, And you know, when you're exhausted, like it becomes 445 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,600 Speaker 3: really difficult to even see straight. Yeah, so you can't 446 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:19,280 Speaker 3: make a decision, you can't whatever. That one probably would 447 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:23,240 Speaker 3: be my tough, like my most kryptonite type wanting to 448 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:24,560 Speaker 3: jump in and like help. 449 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:28,040 Speaker 2: Yeah, like it is bad at least to fix one 450 00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:31,600 Speaker 2: small things because I think you know, generally when someone 451 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,760 Speaker 2: reaches the point where they're like I'm just exhausted. It's 452 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:38,000 Speaker 2: because lots of little things have probably piled up and 453 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:41,800 Speaker 2: become much bigger than and they're probably related to a 454 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,840 Speaker 2: big thing, and they don't even know where to start. 455 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,960 Speaker 2: So you're like, Okay, I'm going to clean your house 456 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,919 Speaker 2: for you. I'm gonna like change your sheet, like do 457 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:54,760 Speaker 2: the little things that like seem so insurmountable at that 458 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:56,960 Speaker 2: point that you're like, I can actually do a few 459 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,879 Speaker 2: of these things that like, let's take it off your 460 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:02,119 Speaker 2: fucking plate. And that is a kind giving thing, like 461 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:06,680 Speaker 2: because it's you're you're fixing things that aren't really problems 462 00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:08,800 Speaker 2: that feel like problems to them so that they can 463 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,240 Speaker 2: focus on the real problems. 464 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:12,239 Speaker 3: You know, it's making me think of have you ever 465 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:15,040 Speaker 3: heard that analogy when you have like a tea kettle 466 00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:18,560 Speaker 3: or something or a glass and it is full to 467 00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:21,000 Speaker 3: the top, so like you know, when it let's use 468 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:22,760 Speaker 3: the tea kettle, because that one's a better analogy. So 469 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:24,199 Speaker 3: it's like if the tea kettle is full to the 470 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:27,359 Speaker 3: top and it becomes boiling or whatever, it makes that noise, right, 471 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:30,960 Speaker 3: it's like yeah, because it like it's done, it needs 472 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:34,480 Speaker 3: something needs to get out release. But it's like if 473 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:36,679 Speaker 3: you pour some out, it's probably not going to make 474 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,440 Speaker 3: that noise because it's not going to explode. So it's 475 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,640 Speaker 3: like we all have a tea kettle. Like I think 476 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:43,919 Speaker 3: of my body as a tea kettle. And like last 477 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,679 Speaker 3: week when we had that or two weeks ago when 478 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,760 Speaker 3: we had that ice storm, like I was fucking full. 479 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:53,479 Speaker 3: My spout was shooting. It was you yeah, yes, because 480 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,560 Speaker 3: I hadn't had any release of any like there was 481 00:23:56,600 --> 00:24:00,000 Speaker 3: no space for me and my body that had got 482 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,639 Speaker 3: and freed up, and it just kept being more things 483 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:04,199 Speaker 3: piling on, piling on, piling on. 484 00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:05,359 Speaker 1: So I was exploding. 485 00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:09,800 Speaker 3: And so like in those these scenarios where your person 486 00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:14,359 Speaker 3: is saying, like I'm just exhausted, my first thought is, okay, 487 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,440 Speaker 3: well what can we do to like release some of 488 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:18,879 Speaker 3: the pressure from your tea kettle? So what would you know, 489 00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:21,639 Speaker 3: Like in those kind of moments, most people do know, like, well, 490 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:24,119 Speaker 3: if I could just like get in the bathtub for 491 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,320 Speaker 3: an hour and not have to run my kid to 492 00:24:27,359 --> 00:24:29,959 Speaker 3: this whatever, then you can say, okay, well I can 493 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:31,639 Speaker 3: take your kid to this or you know, like the 494 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,240 Speaker 3: like you're saying, take some of the task off the plate. 495 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:37,600 Speaker 3: But like by asking them what would help them refill 496 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,040 Speaker 3: their own tea kettle or like release some of the 497 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:43,600 Speaker 3: pressure so that they can then go function in their 498 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:46,600 Speaker 3: life again. Right, Yeah, it made sense in my head. 499 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:49,000 Speaker 2: I don't know if now I think it paints a 500 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:52,200 Speaker 2: really like clear picture. Yeah, but I like the way 501 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,520 Speaker 2: that you're like, hey, what can I do to like 502 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:57,560 Speaker 2: take some pressure off of you? And then it allows 503 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:00,959 Speaker 2: them to identify the little thing that you can actually 504 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:03,479 Speaker 2: do versus you just like stepping in and be like 505 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:05,800 Speaker 2: or it down. I'm going to do your grocery shopping. 506 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:07,359 Speaker 2: I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna 507 00:25:07,359 --> 00:25:08,200 Speaker 2: do this well. 508 00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:09,920 Speaker 3: Because you don't know if that would actually make them 509 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:13,240 Speaker 3: feel better. Yeah, like a lot of stuff like that nowadays, 510 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:14,960 Speaker 3: I'm like, well, I can do all that on my 511 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,399 Speaker 3: phone on an app, Like I don't need you to 512 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:19,760 Speaker 3: do those things, but what would help me would be 513 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,119 Speaker 3: excellent and Z or whatever you know. Okay, let's do 514 00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:25,359 Speaker 3: a little. This one's like kind of the rapid fire. 515 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,359 Speaker 3: Is this comforting or annoying? So I just want you 516 00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,480 Speaker 3: to do like gut reactions. Don't think about this. Okay, 517 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:33,520 Speaker 3: these are just some phrases that I think we say 518 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,280 Speaker 3: when we get uncomfortable with people feeling sad or like 519 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:39,840 Speaker 3: down or whatever, instead of a tuning to them. Okay, 520 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:44,640 Speaker 3: so the phrase is everything happens for a reason comforting 521 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:45,200 Speaker 3: or annoying. 522 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:49,240 Speaker 2: It's a little annoying, but I'm I say it is 523 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,520 Speaker 2: what it is, which is kind of the same thing. Okay, 524 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:56,399 Speaker 2: so maybe I'm just annoying, but yeah, everything happens for 525 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:57,960 Speaker 2: a reason is not comforting. 526 00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,960 Speaker 3: Listen, I am like the biggest preacher of I think 527 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:04,080 Speaker 3: we're all down on this earth to learn lessons and 528 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,880 Speaker 3: like this is Earth school all those things. It does 529 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:10,240 Speaker 3: feel invalidated. It's it's dismissive, Yeah, dismissive, just. 530 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:14,080 Speaker 2: Like because things do happen, but it's not much. 531 00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:16,720 Speaker 1: You want to you're. 532 00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:18,200 Speaker 2: That's like I don't want to talk to you right now, 533 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:20,640 Speaker 2: story closed. 534 00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:23,879 Speaker 3: Easy way out, yeah, okay, Or if someone says to you, 535 00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:26,960 Speaker 3: at least it's not blank. Like so I guess we're 536 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,919 Speaker 3: like almost trumping, like you're going through a bad breakup 537 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:31,119 Speaker 3: and I'm like, well, it could be worse. 538 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:32,560 Speaker 1: It could be it could have died. 539 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:36,320 Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, well that doesn't Yeah, that's annoying too. Because 540 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:39,600 Speaker 2: it doesn't. It's it's an easy way out. 541 00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:43,720 Speaker 3: You're so strong. That one makes me want to throw 542 00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:46,760 Speaker 3: my phone. I have people say that all the time. 543 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,600 Speaker 2: You're so strong. I mean, then it makes. 544 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,359 Speaker 3: You feel like you have to be strong all the time. 545 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:52,399 Speaker 3: And it's also like it's fucking bullshit. What does that 546 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:52,920 Speaker 3: even mean? 547 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:56,960 Speaker 2: Right? Like, I would much rather hear something I think 548 00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,480 Speaker 2: what someone said. When someone says that, what they mean is, 549 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:03,960 Speaker 2: I know this is really hard right now, but you're 550 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:05,840 Speaker 2: you can get through this. 551 00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:09,160 Speaker 3: Which would be encouraging it, which is encouraging and also 552 00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:12,040 Speaker 3: acknowledges their pain or their suffering or whatever it is 553 00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:15,600 Speaker 3: that they're going through, versus just being you're strong. 554 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:21,920 Speaker 2: It's so like it's bad parenting. What a one? 555 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:25,360 Speaker 3: You know, like, yeah, okay, what about this I'm here 556 00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:25,800 Speaker 3: for you? 557 00:27:27,119 --> 00:27:28,560 Speaker 2: That one I think is comforting. 558 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:33,560 Speaker 3: I find it comforting too. Yeah, yeah, have you tried 559 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:36,359 Speaker 3: looking at it differently? I do this one not like 560 00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:38,920 Speaker 3: settled say that, but I'm kind of like the other 561 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:42,560 Speaker 3: thing is, and you give like another perspective. I need 562 00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:43,960 Speaker 3: to probably think about this one well. 563 00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,880 Speaker 2: I mean, I don't think that's a I think maybe 564 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:49,159 Speaker 2: that could be annoying in some moments. But I do 565 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:52,720 Speaker 2: think it is a like there is some validation in it. 566 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:55,560 Speaker 2: It's like it acknowledges that, like, if you're on the 567 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:58,360 Speaker 2: receiving end of that comment, it acknowledges that, like they 568 00:27:58,400 --> 00:27:59,840 Speaker 2: see that you've tried some things. 569 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:03,560 Speaker 1: Hmmm, you know, I don't know. I don't really get 570 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:04,200 Speaker 1: what you just said. 571 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:07,360 Speaker 2: By well, it's one thing to just be like you're strong, 572 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,360 Speaker 2: You're so strong. It's to be like, have you thought 573 00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:13,720 Speaker 2: of it differently? Says I can see that you're trying 574 00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:15,959 Speaker 2: to work on this, but have you looked at it 575 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:16,400 Speaker 2: this way? 576 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:17,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, like a different. 577 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:20,639 Speaker 2: Ways now, Like there's some acknowledgment to your effort in 578 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:24,440 Speaker 2: that statement. So I don't think it's wholly annoying. There 579 00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:25,399 Speaker 2: is some comfort in that. 580 00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:28,120 Speaker 3: Maybe it depends on the timing, because I think if 581 00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:30,560 Speaker 3: you walk in someone's super upset and you're like, you 582 00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:32,800 Speaker 3: know what, let's look at the silver lining here and 583 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:35,240 Speaker 3: blah blah blah, that is the worst. 584 00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:35,800 Speaker 1: I hate that. 585 00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,280 Speaker 3: It's like toxic positivity. It's like I need to fucking 586 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:40,600 Speaker 3: feel sad right now. Let me feel sad, you know, 587 00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:42,360 Speaker 3: or I need to be mad. Let me feel mad. 588 00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:45,680 Speaker 3: Then later if I'm trying to get to the other 589 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:48,680 Speaker 3: side of those feelings, and you say, well, here's another 590 00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:52,680 Speaker 3: perspective and offer it, then it would probably be helpful 591 00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:54,640 Speaker 3: to me and like comforting to kind of see it 592 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:57,800 Speaker 3: from a different lens. But so it just really depends 593 00:28:57,800 --> 00:28:58,280 Speaker 3: on timing. 594 00:28:58,360 --> 00:28:58,840 Speaker 1: I think that way. 595 00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:01,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like I think it like, say you're in 596 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:03,320 Speaker 2: a meeting with your boss and you like worked really 597 00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:05,080 Speaker 2: hard on this thing and they're like, yeah, it's not 598 00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:08,480 Speaker 2: quite there yet. Have you tried looking at it differently? 599 00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:11,080 Speaker 2: It opens up the opportunity for you to go back 600 00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:15,360 Speaker 2: and get it right without it just being like it 601 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:19,600 Speaker 2: is what it is, or you know, like it says, hey, 602 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:23,120 Speaker 2: I like the direction you're heading, but keep going. So 603 00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:24,720 Speaker 2: there's some encouragement. 604 00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:29,840 Speaker 3: You'll be fine. Oh that's so terrible, so terrible. 605 00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:33,600 Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, I think about it all the time, 606 00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:35,880 Speaker 2: like with all these self help gurus and stuff, like, 607 00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:40,520 Speaker 2: there are people in this world that it's not going 608 00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:44,280 Speaker 2: to be fine, Like they are going to lose their 609 00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:47,240 Speaker 2: three year old kid to cancer, Like there is nothing 610 00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:50,680 Speaker 2: fine about Will you live through it, Yes you will, 611 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:53,160 Speaker 2: but you'll live with the pain of that loss for 612 00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:55,640 Speaker 2: the rest of it. It's never going to be fine, right, 613 00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:59,280 Speaker 2: So you know, like I said to my friend in 614 00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:02,400 Speaker 2: fifth grade, like I know how you feel, No fucking didn't. 615 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:06,240 Speaker 2: I've never lost a dad. Like, it's a very very 616 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:10,240 Speaker 2: specific feeling. So I think it's you'll be fine as 617 00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:11,040 Speaker 2: too dismissive. 618 00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:13,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree with that. 619 00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:15,360 Speaker 2: You'll get through this probably is. 620 00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:17,640 Speaker 3: Uh, well, that's why I like I'm here for you, 621 00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:21,480 Speaker 3: especially if you genuinely are like showing with action that 622 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:23,960 Speaker 3: you're going to show up for somebody. I think us. 623 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:27,320 Speaker 3: You know that that song or there's a saying that 624 00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:29,640 Speaker 3: it came from like rhmdas where he was like we're 625 00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:31,920 Speaker 3: just all walking each other home, and it's like that 626 00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:34,680 Speaker 3: is the thing. Like there's so many times where some 627 00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:36,680 Speaker 3: of my friends are going through something just like what 628 00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:40,320 Speaker 3: you've experienced with that fifth grade story you told, but 629 00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:42,800 Speaker 3: where it's like I actually haven't gone through that. I 630 00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:45,360 Speaker 3: don't know what it would be like. You know, I 631 00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:49,400 Speaker 3: can try to empathize and like feel into it and 632 00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:51,360 Speaker 3: guess what it would feel like, but if I haven't 633 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:54,760 Speaker 3: walked through it specifically myself, like you are just guessing, 634 00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:56,680 Speaker 3: and so all we can do is really try to 635 00:30:56,680 --> 00:31:00,640 Speaker 3: just support each other as we go on journeys and 636 00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:02,760 Speaker 3: these difficult things that like we're not all going to 637 00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:05,680 Speaker 3: have the same exact scenario, you know, they're very specific 638 00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:08,680 Speaker 3: to our own life story. So just remembering like we're 639 00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:10,120 Speaker 3: just here to walk each other home, Like you don't 640 00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:11,520 Speaker 3: have to fix it for anybody. You don't have to 641 00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:13,760 Speaker 3: figure it out either. You just have to like support 642 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:16,120 Speaker 3: the people you love and let them know that they're 643 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:18,440 Speaker 3: not alone most of the time, you know. I think 644 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:20,880 Speaker 3: that's kind of like the biggest thing I've learned about attunement. 645 00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:23,320 Speaker 2: Well. I also think too, it's like the way that 646 00:31:23,360 --> 00:31:25,440 Speaker 2: you might handle something is very different than the way 647 00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:29,800 Speaker 2: that I'm going to handle somewhere. So and I think 648 00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:33,440 Speaker 2: like the pride that we all carry, like we want 649 00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:35,360 Speaker 2: to get through these things on our own. We don't 650 00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:38,600 Speaker 2: want to have to rely on people. So just having 651 00:31:38,680 --> 00:31:42,680 Speaker 2: a friend there that's just there supporting you getting through 652 00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:48,640 Speaker 2: it on your you know, process is really powerful because 653 00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:52,560 Speaker 2: it it acknowledges that you're enough to handle it on 654 00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:55,240 Speaker 2: your own, but that you have a support system. 655 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:58,360 Speaker 3: Yeah, I just think it's an interesting thought too, Like 656 00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:00,960 Speaker 3: if you're struggling to support or someone going through a 657 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:03,640 Speaker 3: hard time, like, I think it's bringing up something for 658 00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:05,520 Speaker 3: you to look at too, you know, like. 659 00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:08,280 Speaker 1: What is that? Why are we what is our block 660 00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:08,600 Speaker 1: to that? 661 00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:11,280 Speaker 3: Or why do we feel like I don't I just 662 00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:13,240 Speaker 3: don't know what to say and so you shut down 663 00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:15,640 Speaker 3: or you know what, what is coming up for you? 664 00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:18,400 Speaker 3: I think it can teach us things on both sides 665 00:32:18,440 --> 00:32:22,720 Speaker 3: of that equation. Yeah, yeah, a relationship. Anyway, if you 666 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:25,080 Speaker 3: guys have not listened to the Wednesday podcast, she was 667 00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:28,440 Speaker 3: fantastic and there's a lot more conversation from her book 668 00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:31,080 Speaker 3: working Well, so go check that out. You can always 669 00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:33,720 Speaker 3: email us at the Edge at velvetedge dot com or 670 00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:36,160 Speaker 3: you can slide into my DMS. I'm at Velvet Edge 671 00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:37,560 Speaker 3: on Instagram, Chip. 672 00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:41,800 Speaker 2: I'm at Chip Doors It's Chip d r sch. 673 00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:43,760 Speaker 3: And you could also hit us on at Velvet Edge 674 00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:46,760 Speaker 3: podcast Instagram. We have all kinds of prompts and videos 675 00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:49,320 Speaker 3: for you guys to check out that are very specific 676 00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:50,520 Speaker 3: to this podcast. 677 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:52,640 Speaker 1: So as you guys go into the weekend and you're 678 00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:54,640 Speaker 1: living on the edge, I hope you always remember too. 679 00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:59,000 Speaker 1: A casule Bye.