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Speaker 1: This podcast has content that may not be appropriate for

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Speaker 1: all audiences. You'll hear about some difficult subjects like drug abuse,

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Speaker 1: domestic violence, suicidal thoughts, and sexual assault. Listener discretion is

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Speaker 1: advised high listeners. I'm emio Lea. As a special bonus episode,

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Speaker 1: I'm inviting people close to me onto the show to

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Speaker 1: impact things. In this episode, I'm talking with my childhood

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Speaker 1: friend Monica. She knows me and my family basically better

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Speaker 1: than anyone else. She was there for all the shit

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Speaker 1: that went down with my family and later my addiction.

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Speaker 1: She's also the first person I called when I decided

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Speaker 1: to transition. If you haven't heard the show yet, don't wait.

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Speaker 1: Headed back to the feed and start the beginning. We'll

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Speaker 1: still be here when you get back. So let's get

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Speaker 1: into it. Hi, Monie, Hello, how are you feeling about this?

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Speaker 2: I'm excited, obviously, I'm really proud of you and sharing

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Speaker 2: your story. But of course it's nervous and I feel

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Speaker 2: a little overwhelmed.

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Speaker 3: I'm not gonna lie.

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Speaker 1: Why do you feel nervous?

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Speaker 2: Just because I know that there's gonna be a lot

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Speaker 2: of emotions coming out. I mean I already feel them

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Speaker 2: right now. It's like my stomach and my throat.

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Speaker 1: So thank you.

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Speaker 2: It's an honor to be here, you know, because you're

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Speaker 2: such a big part of my life.

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Speaker 3: You've been since we were young.

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Speaker 1: So Monica, you've been part of my life since we

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Speaker 1: were fourteen years old, and you know so much about

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Speaker 1: my life. You know so much about my family, you

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Speaker 1: know so much about my upbringing, you know so much

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Speaker 1: about my recovery, my disease. I don't know if people

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Speaker 1: believe me when I tell them my story. You're an

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Speaker 1: outside person, So you tell me what did you think

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Speaker 1: of me growing up? And what did you think of

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Speaker 1: my family?

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Speaker 2: I thought about you as my dear friend when you

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Speaker 2: would talk about your mom in and out of prison.

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Speaker 2: You know, it didn't feel like something weird. I think

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Speaker 2: we were both growing up in such different messed up

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Speaker 2: worlds that despite of all the dysfunction, like, we had

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Speaker 2: a lot of a lot of love.

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Speaker 1: Too, money. How would you describe our relationship like sisters,

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Speaker 1: we used to bitch fight.

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Speaker 2: I think maybe like the first time a friend slapped

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Speaker 2: me was you. We were a kid that they were

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Speaker 2: like fifteen years old, and I remember you slapping me.

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Speaker 2: I don't know why, but it was in school you were.

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Speaker 2: It was like in between periods. I don't remember that

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Speaker 2: specific moment.

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Speaker 3: Oh my gosh.

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Speaker 1: I remember there are times that we'll get into, but

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Speaker 1: that specific one, I just I don't remember.

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Speaker 3: And so we would always hang out together. It was you.

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Speaker 2: You were part of our group and us together. We

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Speaker 2: used to go shopping and if.

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Speaker 1: We had money, or to the movie, to the movies,

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Speaker 1: or to take glamor shots.

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Speaker 2: Glamour shots, and then you know when we got pagers too, right, the.

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Speaker 3: Code nine one one?

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Speaker 2: Call me?

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Speaker 1: How about our intros? The page your intros, I think

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Speaker 1: it like mine was like og green.

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Speaker 3: Ice, G green ice.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but don't forget the six one night sil to

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Speaker 1: my San Diego roots. Okay, how would you describe my

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Speaker 1: relationship with my mom?

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Speaker 3: A healthy one? Restore one.

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Speaker 2: I think you are the epitome of grace because you know,

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Speaker 2: I struggle with that with my own relationship with my mother,

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Speaker 2: and I look at your relationship with your mom, and

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Speaker 2: your mom did so much right as an outsider that

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Speaker 2: I don't even know. And it's nothing like against your mom.

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Speaker 2: You know, I love her and I respect her.

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Speaker 3: But to have the.

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Speaker 2: Relationship that you guys have, it's really encouraging. And for me,

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Speaker 2: that's living by grace because you look above, beyond what

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Speaker 2: her mistakes are and and understand her and forgive her.

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Speaker 3: And I think that's a beautiful thing. Amy. You know,

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Speaker 3: not everybody has that. We should have that.

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Speaker 1: So what did you think when you heard that my

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Speaker 1: mom was going to be on season two?

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Speaker 2: It must not be easy for her as a mom.

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Speaker 2: I'm a mom, and so we don't have a guide.

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Speaker 2: And when you're not healed and you have children at

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Speaker 2: such a young age and you're trying to raise them,

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Speaker 2: you love them, and so it just takes a lot

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Speaker 2: of courage for what she's going to share or what

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Speaker 2: she's already shared.

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Speaker 1: It's beautiful to see how much you empathize with my

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Speaker 1: mom because you know our whole backstory, right you experienced it,

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Speaker 1: You lived that, you know. I love that you love her.

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Speaker 1: I love that you have respect for her. I love

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Speaker 1: that you don't judge her because I think for many

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Speaker 1: years when we were in high school, I just wanted

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Speaker 1: to keep that all hidden from everybody in the group

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Speaker 1: because I didn't want them to judge my mom or

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Speaker 1: judge my family and where we came from. So thank

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Speaker 1: you do you remember how we met?

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Speaker 2: Please enlighten me, because I was thinking about that on

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Speaker 2: my drive over here.

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Speaker 1: One day. One of our friends was having a King

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Speaker 1: Signeta party at our house and you walked in and

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Speaker 1: you just looked so fabulous. You were so put together,

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Speaker 1: dressed in like all nice clothes. You just walked in

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Speaker 1: with such confidence and such, like, hey, party girls here,

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Speaker 1: you knowsh really, Yes, that's how I remember we met.

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Speaker 1: That's how I remember meeting you.

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Speaker 3: Oh my gosh. And I really like I walked in

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Speaker 3: with so much confidence.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: I don't even know where I got fabulous clothes. I

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Speaker 3: didn't I couldn't afford nothing.

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Speaker 1: Well, you looked fabulous, you did. You look great?

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Speaker 3: Oh my gosh.

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Speaker 1: And I was just you know, starting to like get

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Speaker 1: to know these girls. I wasn't very popular at that time.

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Speaker 1: I guess you saw this like little gay boy, and

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Speaker 1: we're just like, we're gonna be friends. I don't know,

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Speaker 1: We're like, you're my.

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Speaker 2: Best tee, You're not gonna ever leave me, And here

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Speaker 2: we are, yeah, decades later.

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Speaker 3: Oh my gosh.

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Speaker 1: And so you kind of just like took me in.

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Speaker 1: Do you remember what I was like back then? I

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Speaker 1: remember choose your words carefully. I'm just kidding.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, wait, just tell it like it is. You're sassy,

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Speaker 2: you're bitchy, you're loving, and you were very smart. That's

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Speaker 2: one thing that I always was really so drawn to

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Speaker 2: you because I mean, I'm a smart woman, right, but

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Speaker 2: I'm not much of an intellect and you were very

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Speaker 2: much of a scholar. I remember just feeling safe around you.

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Speaker 2: That like always like we were drawn to each other.

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Speaker 1: We were, yeah, and for the most part, like our

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Speaker 1: little group was very tight right in high school mm hmm.

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Speaker 1: And we started going out having fun, going to King

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Speaker 1: Signs in Tijuana.

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Speaker 3: Oh yeah.

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Speaker 2: We would get a ride and didn't know how we

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Speaker 2: were going to get back, but we would get back.

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Speaker 1: So those were like really fun times, you know. And

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Speaker 1: we've started smoking at that age, I think, oh my gosh.

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Speaker 1: You know, we'd get drunk at King Signeta doesn't smoke,

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Speaker 1: and hang out at each other's houses all the time,

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Speaker 1: like I think, you know, we met our families pretty

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Speaker 1: early on.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, I mean Inana and that I used to

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Speaker 2: have me at the house all the time. I used

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Speaker 2: to run away. I'd come from a very dysfunctional home

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Speaker 2: as well, and that always took me in and they

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Speaker 2: make me fill out home and I was.

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Speaker 3: At home wake up, they'd have breakfast for us.

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Speaker 1: You know, you always made me feel very included in

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Speaker 1: our friend group. We're always so close, and you always

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Speaker 1: felt so protected by you. In fact, Like I don't

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Speaker 1: know if you're going to remember this or not, but

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Speaker 1: there's this memory of the guys always wanted the girls

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Speaker 1: to go hang out with them. And we were on

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Speaker 1: our football field at the bleachers, and I was like

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Speaker 1: the only boy in our girl group. And so this

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Speaker 1: guy he's like, are you guys coming or what? And

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Speaker 1: then he threw a bottle at me and he said,

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Speaker 1: you can bring the faggot too, and that just like ooh,

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Speaker 1: you turned into like this lion. You just like mother

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Speaker 1: fucking you like ran up to the bleachers to fight him.

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Speaker 1: Like you didn't physically fight him, but you ran up

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Speaker 1: to protect me because what he just did to me,

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Speaker 1: to your friend, and I was like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: I can't believe she just did that for me, and

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Speaker 1: she stood up for me. And You're like, my heir,

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Speaker 1: you're the only one who actually protected me in that way.

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Speaker 3: And I love you.

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Speaker 1: I loved you.

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Speaker 2: Then I love you now, and I'm not gonna let anybody.

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Speaker 2: I guess that's my way when to stand up for

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Speaker 2: what's right and what's wrong. I can't imagine what you

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Speaker 2: were feeling at that moment, and I'm sorry that you

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Speaker 2: had to go through that.

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Speaker 1: I felt humiliated because a I'm like, what fifteen, maybe sixteen,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, but what teenager feels confident at that

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Speaker 1: age much less like someone from a marginalized community. So

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Speaker 1: then we graduated high school, I get a scholarship, and

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Speaker 1: then what happened is my mom went to prison. And

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Speaker 1: then that I can deal it with me, Like, what

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Speaker 1: did you think when I got guardianship of both the girls?

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Speaker 3: I thought, oh my gosh, this is crazy.

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Speaker 2: We're kids. It's crazy. But you were very mature at

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Speaker 2: our age because you had to grow up fast. I

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Speaker 2: think that I didn't even worry about you. I'm sorry

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Speaker 2: I wasn't as good of a friend as I should

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Speaker 2: have been at this moment.

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Speaker 1: I don't mean we were kids. We didn't know what

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Speaker 1: the hell was going on, right, do you remember like

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Speaker 1: when I started partying a lot, because you weren't very

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Speaker 1: much part of like me partying in TJ. You weren't

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Speaker 1: part of that, But you didn't know that I was

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Speaker 1: going through struggles.

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Speaker 3: Yes, but I don't think I really experienced it as

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Speaker 3: much or was.

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Speaker 2: It didn't get too out of control until when you

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Speaker 2: got in the car accident. That's when I was like, Oh,

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Speaker 2: my gosh, what the heck is going on here.

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Speaker 1: What happened is my great grandmother, who lived in al Paso, Texas,

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Speaker 1: passed away and I had just gone out of a

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Speaker 1: psych word. My grandfather was going to take a Greyhound

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Speaker 1: to go see her, and I said, no, just let's

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Speaker 1: go in my car. I'll drive you. And so we drove.

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Speaker 1: It was Baba Mamilichia, my sister Daniella, and me. We

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Speaker 1: drove to Alpasso. We went to the funeral services, and

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Speaker 1: that night I got the itch to go out after

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Speaker 1: the services, and so I went out and I got very,

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Speaker 1: very very drunk, and I came home very late to

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Speaker 1: the hotel we were staying at. It was almost the morning.

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Speaker 1: And what happened is my grandfather said, you're not okay

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Speaker 1: to drive. He drove back home and in the middle

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Speaker 1: of our drive, he was going fast and he lost

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Speaker 1: control of the car and the car spun and then

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Speaker 1: rolled over, and Mimilicha was ejected from the car because

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Speaker 1: she wasn't wearing her seatbelt, and Papa got stuck and

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Speaker 1: broke his ribs. Nothing happened to Daniela and me. We

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Speaker 1: were fine, And this was one of those times where

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Speaker 1: I just like realized that I had a problem. Had

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Speaker 1: I been the one to drive home, this probably wouldn't

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Speaker 1: have happened, right if I hadn't gone out drinking. And also,

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Speaker 1: like Mimi Lecha almost died like shortly after that is when.

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Speaker 3: Like everything started.

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Speaker 1: Everything started happening. After that exactly is when I started

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Speaker 1: doing myth and I went into that meth and do

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Speaker 1: psychosis that Andrea talked about, and then things got really

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Speaker 1: out of control. I don't know if you remember or not,

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Speaker 1: but I was very belligerent to you and my drunken stupor,

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Speaker 1: and I remember even hitting you at some point. I

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Speaker 1: don't remember you hitting me. I don't remember the drunken rage.

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Speaker 1: I don't remember.

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Speaker 2: I don't know if it's me just blocking those things out,

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Speaker 2: but I just don't remember that part. Well.

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Speaker 1: It's something I'm really sad about still. But eventually I

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Speaker 1: got sober right and then eventually I made an amense

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Speaker 1: to you, and you were just so loving and so supportive,

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Speaker 1: like you were so proud of me when I got sober.

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Speaker 3: It's just it wasn't.

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Speaker 2: Something where we thought it was an addiction at that

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Speaker 2: point yet, like you were like way ahead of us

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Speaker 2: of grasping and saying this enough is enough. And I

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Speaker 2: just looked at it, like, okay, good, this is good

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Speaker 2: for her. Right, you know, you didn't if we drink

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Speaker 2: in front of you. It wasn't like you made us

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Speaker 2: not drink in front of.

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Speaker 1: You, you know, And right, I mean, just because I'm

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Speaker 1: so doesn't mean you have to pay the consequences for that.

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Speaker 1: So and then I called you and I told you

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Speaker 1: about my transition, and I mean I was very nervous

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Speaker 1: because our friend group had changed, things had changed, because

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Speaker 1: you guys had put up with so much of my

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Speaker 1: shit in my drinking and my addiction. I was nervous,

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Speaker 1: but you were always so supportive.

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Speaker 3: And it's something that you know.

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Speaker 2: Driving up here, I was thinking, my Gorda has always

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Speaker 2: been my Gorda when we were kids, Like you've always

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Speaker 2: been one of the girls, Like you didn't want to

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Speaker 2: hang out with guys. You didn't want to hang out

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Speaker 2: with kay guys. You wanted to go shopping. You love

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Speaker 2: the dresses, you love the everything. And so when you

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Speaker 2: mentioned to me, you know, when you decided that you

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Speaker 2: were gonna transition to who you really are, like it.

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Speaker 3: Made the most sense.

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Speaker 1: Do you remember how that happened?

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Speaker 2: That?

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Speaker 3: I remember, like it was yesterday.

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Speaker 2: I was in Denver, Colorado, and I remember you give

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Speaker 2: me a call and you said, uh, I'm gonna I'm

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Speaker 2: gonna transition.

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Speaker 3: This is not me. You know, my name is Emmy.

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Speaker 3: You told me you're my first friend that I've told

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Speaker 3: and I thought, okay, yeah, it makes sense. It's that's

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Speaker 3: who you are.

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Speaker 2: I just want you to be happy, you know. And

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Speaker 2: the kids that's you know, that's all they've known right now.

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Speaker 2: Of course they know of your transition now right and

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Speaker 2: they accept do the same. You know, you are the Emmy.

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Speaker 2: That's who you are, That's who you've always been.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, Thank you for saying all that and for

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Speaker 1: having me in your life. We're good. Thank God.

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Speaker 2: I think I've seen you in some really cool moments

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Speaker 2: in your life. I got to be I got to

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Speaker 2: speak at your Kina.

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Speaker 1: So just for context, for the listeners. When I turned

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Speaker 1: fifteen years sober, I had a big traditional king sennetta

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Speaker 1: the I always wanted growing up that I never got,

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Speaker 1: and so we got a hall. I ran it a hall.

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Speaker 1: I did it, the waltz. I had the big dress.

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Speaker 1: It was very extra.

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Speaker 3: You deserved it.

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Speaker 1: You gave a beautiful speech because it's so hard to

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Speaker 1: believe that we have been friends for this long. You

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Speaker 1: are my oldest friend, not an age but like in

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Speaker 1: you know, my long one of my longest relationships. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and just to have you there and be part of

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Speaker 1: like the recovery community, you know, in this big celebration

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Speaker 1: was so special to me. So thank you. And then

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Speaker 1: you know, you got engaged and you asked me to

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Speaker 1: be one of your bridesmaids.

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Speaker 3: Of course I wouldn't have it any other way.

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Speaker 1: I've always had this hang up about like my friends

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Speaker 1: not wanting me to be part of their wedding because

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Speaker 1: I am a trans woman, and that stemmed from an incident.

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Speaker 1: She was someone that I've just known as long as you. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: she was there for me during my transition and I

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Speaker 1: felt like she accepted me and we would hang out

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Speaker 1: every weekend. She was there for my first three relationships

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Speaker 1: she was part of that. She was there for when

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Speaker 1: I got sober, Like she drove me to get my

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Speaker 1: boobs done. Yeah. So we were very close, and so

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Speaker 1: maybe I felt that I had this expectation that I

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Speaker 1: would be in her wedding because I had known her

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Speaker 1: half of my life.

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Speaker 3: Because at this point we're in our thirties.

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Speaker 1: We don't talk about my age.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So anyways, it's been a journey.

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Speaker 1: We're talking, you know, she's running things by me about

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Speaker 1: her wedding and this and that, and I'm waiting for

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Speaker 1: the invitation to be in her wedding and it never happened.

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Speaker 1: And I get the invitation in the mail and I

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Speaker 1: see that she has a wedding party and I'm not

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Speaker 1: in it, and it hurt, you know. I don't even

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Speaker 1: know if you remember, but I went to a makeup

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Speaker 1: artist school so that I can learn how to do

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Speaker 1: my makeup and all this stuff. So I was getting

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Speaker 1: discounts from makeup m oh yeah. And so she called

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Speaker 1: me and she's like, Hey, I want to get my

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Speaker 1: bridesmaids a makeup basket. Can you get me some with

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Speaker 1: your discount? My gosh, And for me, that was just

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Speaker 1: so like tone deaf. It was like a slap in

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Speaker 1: the face.

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Speaker 2: Well, a complete disregard towards any of your emotions, that's.

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Speaker 1: Exactly I got a dorter and so to be able

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Speaker 1: to show up to her wedding and witness that I

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Speaker 1: wasn't part of that, I couldn't deal with it. And

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Speaker 1: that's when we stopped talking. Like I never heard from

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Speaker 1: her again.

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Speaker 3: You have to do what you have to do to

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Speaker 3: self preserve.

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Speaker 2: So we all, like we all grew up in different ways, right,

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Speaker 2: the way that you grew up has helped, even though

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Speaker 2: it did do some damage, but also it helped us

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Speaker 2: be more open minded towards life. So some people are

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Speaker 2: just stuck in the old school. Some people are raised

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Speaker 2: in a certain way religion. Religion is one thing and

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Speaker 2: faith is another. People are born in these hardcore like

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Speaker 2: Catholic and it's one or the other, and people don't

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Speaker 2: want to grow and evolve from that and seeing things

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Speaker 2: in a different way. So it'll keep us from really

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Speaker 2: having some beautiful people in our life, you know, And

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Speaker 2: so I feel like it's you know, they're loss.

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Speaker 1: Not yours. Thank you for saying that. So for you

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Speaker 1: to ask me to be part of like your very

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Speaker 1: special day as a bridesmaid was very special.

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Speaker 3: I love you. You're one of my best friends in life.

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Speaker 3: You're my sister. I could not have my sister right

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Speaker 3: there next to me. You're a really beautiful soul.

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Speaker 2: Let everybody gets to experience how beautiful you are because

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Speaker 2: you're really tough on the exterior, but in the interior

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Speaker 2: you're the most mushiest, loving, beautiful person.

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Speaker 1: What do you think the future is for us?

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Speaker 2: Girl? I'm working out three or four times a week

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Speaker 2: just because I'm ready for our red carpet moment, because

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Speaker 2: I know it's coming. On these situations to be able

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Speaker 2: to open up and be rob about what you've gone

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Speaker 2: through or not, it's not comfortable, you know, and so

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Speaker 2: it takes a lot of courage.

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Speaker 3: And I'm really proud of you, really proud of you.

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Speaker 1: What do you think about my dating life?

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Speaker 2: I think that you're ready for the one to come

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Speaker 2: at this point, you know, in your life. I think

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Speaker 2: you're ready to embrace it now.

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Speaker 3: Do you want it? That's the question.

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Speaker 1: I'm open to it, and I'm out there. And you know,

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Speaker 1: it took me a while to get back into it

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Speaker 1: after after Dylan, because I just wasn't ready. You know.

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Speaker 1: I try it and I'll get into that. But I'm

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Speaker 1: open and I'm ready.

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Speaker 2: I think as long as you're receptive and that you

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Speaker 2: channel that energy, it's going to flow.

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Speaker 3: I love you, I love you.

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Speaker 1: Too, vows me and money. Next week, I'm going to

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Speaker 1: answer your questions from listeners about my life. Hen my

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Speaker 1: love life. Hey, listeners, There's a lot of difficult subjects

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Speaker 1: that we cover in this show. If you are someone

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Speaker 1: you know needs help, you can reach the Substance Abuse

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Speaker 1: and Mental Health Services Administration Hotline at one eight hundred

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Speaker 1: six six 'S two four three five seven. They'll connect

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Speaker 1: you with information and resources on treatment. There's also the

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Speaker 1: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at one eight hundred two seven

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Speaker 1: three TA LK. Both are available twenty four to seven.

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Speaker 1: You don't have to be in crisis to reach out either.

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Speaker 1: They're available for anyone who needs help. Crumbs is a

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Speaker 1: Sonato production in partnership with Iheart'smiko Through Network and Trojan Horse.

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Speaker 1: It's produced by Hannah Bottom and edited by Margaret Catcher,

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Speaker 1: Rodrigo Crespo, and Alex Jumero, with support from Elizabeth Schutzel.

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Speaker 1: Original music by Die Peter Schmidt and engineering by Catos Magagna,

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Speaker 1: Emanuel Barra Studio, Recording by j TV Recording and Podcasting

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Speaker 1: Studio Executive produced by Cono, Byrne and Giselvan Says for iHeart,

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00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:29,720
Speaker 1: Alex Fumetro and Margaret Catcher for Trojren Horse, Gamila Victoriano

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00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:34,680
Speaker 1: and Joshua Weinstein forer Sonoro and me Emmi OLEA special

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00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:38,000
Speaker 1: things to Marina Coronella Gire and of course my mom

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Speaker 1: Il Gambois. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

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Speaker 1: or wherever you get your podcasts