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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha, and welcome to Stephane.

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Speaker 1: Never told your production, but I heart radio, and welcome

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Speaker 1: to another edition of Happy Hour. We're taking a small break.

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Speaker 1: We usually featured a section of the city, watch party

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Speaker 1: or a watch live watch. It's not really it's life

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Speaker 1: for me and you. I don't know what to call it.

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Speaker 1: I guess we're just gonna a reaction Yeah, that's a

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Speaker 1: reaction party because Annie's never seen it and I love

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Speaker 1: watching her seeing these episodes. But today we're not doing that.

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Speaker 1: We took a quick break. Lots of things are happening,

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Speaker 1: including in my own personal life. We've had a lot

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Speaker 1: of very sad, sad, sad conversations about what's going on

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Speaker 1: in my life, and so I just wanted to take

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Speaker 1: a small break and kind of do a hey, this

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Speaker 1: is what's happening with Samantha flash follow my journey type

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Speaker 1: of thing. Um, And it's not going to be often,

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Speaker 1: but there are some things happening that I think it's

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Speaker 1: interesting enough that I do want it. I guess recorded

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Speaker 1: and shared. It's not the best way to say it.

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Speaker 1: But again, before before we start, because it is a

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Speaker 1: Happy Hour a and we're not necessarily sponsored by anything

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Speaker 1: that we're talking about on this episode right at this point. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's how I'm going to say this. Anny, are you

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Speaker 1: slipping on your red wine? I'm not. Yes, I got

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Speaker 1: sent a I'm not going to name the company because

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Speaker 1: I don't know if they're any good or not, but

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Speaker 1: I got sent like this. It's supposed to be kind

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Speaker 1: of a pair of tief draper, thank you. I love that.

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Speaker 1: I want a food show and I don't know how

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Speaker 1: to say anything. I just had a conversation about this.

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Speaker 1: I just took me a moment because I was like

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Speaker 1: a pair of what sounded. I had to sound it

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Speaker 1: out of my head to see what you're up. But

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Speaker 1: no judgment. We can call it a pair of tief.

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Speaker 1: I like it, thank you. That should be what it is. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's very good. It's very it's bitter and orangey. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Appertif is very like it's supposed to be the cleansing

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Speaker 1: and can help your stomach too. Oh oh, indigestion. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: People have given me things as like that for me

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Speaker 1: because I'm like, I have a stomach again. They give

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Speaker 1: me this liquorice and I'm like I hate this. Why

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Speaker 1: did you give me this and like it helps your stomach.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, never give me this again. I'm gonna vomit.

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Speaker 1: I feel like that. That's all wise though. It does

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Speaker 1: it though, but doesn't And of course, just it's a

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Speaker 1: reminder if you are drinking. If you're drinking, it an

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Speaker 1: appertif yourself or a pair of teeth or anything else,

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Speaker 1: drink responsibly. Do things responsibly, That's what we're saying. In

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Speaker 1: all things, do things in moderation and consideration of others

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Speaker 1: as well as your body. There you um for me,

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Speaker 1: I am keeping it still no alcohol for now. I

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Speaker 1: have my bubble water, which they were running out of

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Speaker 1: my flavor. I'm very upset about this. Someone needs to

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Speaker 1: tell me what's going on because I need my favorite flavor.

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Speaker 1: I need answers. Y'all get to the bottom of it.

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Speaker 1: Oh week, I gotta get to the bottom of it.

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Speaker 1: And today's episode is definitely a lot of personal stuff.

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Speaker 1: I know, any you're probably gonna just sit back and

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Speaker 1: stare at me because I have a lot of questions,

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Speaker 1: unanswerable questions right now. But I am working on getting

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Speaker 1: some answers. So as most all of you know, if

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Speaker 1: you have joined us before, especially if you know of

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Speaker 1: us and who we are and what we do. I

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Speaker 1: am a Korean adoptee. I came into the US when

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Speaker 1: I was seven almost seven slash eight. It's kind of

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Speaker 1: all that stuff, and I have a lot of trauma,

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Speaker 1: a lot of things that I've worked through. I have

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Speaker 1: a difficulty when it comes to having conversations about my identity,

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Speaker 1: and there's a lot of searching. In my forties, I'm

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Speaker 1: still searching, and honestly, part of the reason it's so

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Speaker 1: late coming is the overwhelming guilt that I should be

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Speaker 1: grateful for where I am, so that means not looking

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Speaker 1: into the past. I also want to put here that

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Speaker 1: my parents, by adoptive parents, have never tried to stop

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Speaker 1: me from learning about myself. A lot of it had

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Speaker 1: a lot to do with my own self esteem issues,

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Speaker 1: wishing I was white, thinking and being told by society

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Speaker 1: not by my parents. Once again, I need to put

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Speaker 1: that that white is better and is considered the norm,

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Speaker 1: and that's what I should have attained to those way

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Speaker 1: too impossible so many things, or that if I was

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Speaker 1: going to be Asian, I need to be a beautiful

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Speaker 1: Asian person, like gorgeous model type in order to be

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Speaker 1: accepted like that's the only way, because the fetishism of

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Speaker 1: Asian people teaches you that as well, especially when you

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Speaker 1: see them being portrayed on television and or any kind

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Speaker 1: of media, especially when I was growing up in the

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Speaker 1: eighties nineties, So all these things have a lot of

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Speaker 1: deep rooted I guess self hatred of my own ethnicity,

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Speaker 1: of my culture, and it took me till probably late

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Speaker 1: twenties later, maybe mid thirties, I mean honestly to really

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Speaker 1: really want to be a part of it. I did

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Speaker 1: take Korean in college. I've already told the story that

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Speaker 1: I was really really awful at it. I've retried several

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Speaker 1: times since then in trying to learn it. But there

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Speaker 1: comes a lot of trauma with that when I do this,

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Speaker 1: because there definitely has a lot of triggers, whether it's emotional, physical,

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Speaker 1: or even like sensations like taste and all all of that.

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Speaker 1: But I am in that journey. You may have heard

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Speaker 1: the DNA episode that we did with twenty three and

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Speaker 1: me and I didn't really discover much there was. It

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Speaker 1: was a lot of dead ends. Didn't have too many

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Speaker 1: relatives to people who were closest to my relative they

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Speaker 1: were like a second third cousin, and I realized I

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Speaker 1: didn't understand what that meant, and I thought I had

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Speaker 1: and I was like, oh wait, that's not what I

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Speaker 1: envisioned that meant, but never really gotten any answers. So

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of question marks in my life. And

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Speaker 1: recently I told y'all, I'm really getting into all the

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Speaker 1: Korean cultural pop culture that I can right now, and

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Speaker 1: it's it's brought a lot of emotions, it's probably a

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Speaker 1: lot of sensations. I have found several new dramas that

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Speaker 1: I love. Annie One has fifty two episodes, one hour each,

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Speaker 1: and it is the pit of me of the Korean

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Speaker 1: drama that you would assume that the dramatic shots, the

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Speaker 1: love stories, the soap opera, bit like hidden identities, murder.

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Speaker 1: I mean, all the things, all the rich people, all

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Speaker 1: the things. But it's very quite quite fun. So I'm

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Speaker 1: all of that that I've been doing a lot more

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Speaker 1: language learning in which I some of this is familiar

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Speaker 1: to me, so there's there's a lot. There's a lot

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Speaker 1: coming at me. Recently, I wanted to try to look

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Speaker 1: up specifics to where I was told I was from,

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Speaker 1: which also led to me looking up the actual adoption agency,

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Speaker 1: which I've talked about before. My experiences were not pretty,

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Speaker 1: so I don't think about it too often. But I

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Speaker 1: was like, you know, well, let me just look into this.

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Speaker 1: And it turns out there's several lawsuites that happened last

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Speaker 1: year with them, specifically including them forging papers to adopt

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Speaker 1: children out, misleading parents, misleading biological and adoptive parents about

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Speaker 1: these youths, and they're all about my age. So around

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Speaker 1: the time that I was adopted, this was happening with

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Speaker 1: Hult International, who has a big backstory of being Christian

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Speaker 1: and wanting to save Korean children, so that's a whole

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Speaker 1: different thing. They came around after the Korean War, I believe,

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Speaker 1: and whatever. There's a lot of things I feel about that.

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Speaker 1: Again as a part of the Christian like trauma that

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Speaker 1: we've been recently talking about religious trauma, this is a

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Speaker 1: part of it. But they have been under fire because

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Speaker 1: they have come out different adoptees have come out with

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Speaker 1: the accusation that they have been lied to. They have

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Speaker 1: essentially been stolen and trafficked. And I don't know who

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Speaker 1: that all entails. I know there's about two to three

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Speaker 1: hundred adoptees who are part of this lawsuit. There's another

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Speaker 1: lawsuit where the adoptee accuses the facility of pretty much

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Speaker 1: exploitation and neglect, allowing for a lot of trauma and

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Speaker 1: abuse that happened within the facilities, as well as when

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Speaker 1: they were sent out, and then not supporting those who

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Speaker 1: were adopted when they were pretty much ostracized by the

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Speaker 1: families that were adopted by so so many things. So

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Speaker 1: that brought out a lot of things in my head.

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh, my god, this is my age group.

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Speaker 1: I don't know what it is. And when I was

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Speaker 1: looking at their site, I found out that I can

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Speaker 1: actually request information, a lot of information if they haven't.

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Speaker 1: Of course, they've also been told that. I've also read

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Speaker 1: that there may be trying to destroy records. But what

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Speaker 1: I'm understanding that the human rights advocates have been working

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Speaker 1: with the president in Korea to stop that from happening.

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Speaker 1: We'll see I sent an email requesting things kind of haphazardly.

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Speaker 1: I was sitting here procrastinating as I do, and then

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh, let me look at this in

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Speaker 1: the middle of my work, and then went down this

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Speaker 1: rabbit hole and I was like, you know what, it

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Speaker 1: doesn't hurt, might as well send it out. I sent

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Speaker 1: it out and guy of a response pretty quickly from

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Speaker 1: their agency, this post I think post adoption people saying

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Speaker 1: that they do have my information. Well, they were able

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Speaker 1: to get my information because I am on their records

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Speaker 1: of being as being adopted through them, so I should

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Speaker 1: be getting something. I sent an email today saying that yes,

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Speaker 1: they verified, they're verified that I do actually want this information,

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Speaker 1: and I asked for all in any that I could

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Speaker 1: grab And of course this sparked a lot of memories

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Speaker 1: that came at me, including the memories that I have

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Speaker 1: of my grandmother being the one that signed me over

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Speaker 1: into the orphanage. Who I cannot remember the orphanage. This

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Speaker 1: is the part of the problem because I don't think

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Speaker 1: it was necessarily I mean, it's not Halt Orphanage. They

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Speaker 1: are the agency that it worked through, so I don't know.

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Speaker 1: And yes, when I say orphanage, I'm not I'm not

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Speaker 1: being like crass or any of that. That's what it

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Speaker 1: was called, that's what they called it. That's what I have.

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Speaker 1: All my records essentially that I have, so a lot

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Speaker 1: of information. I don't have. We'll see what comes back.

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Speaker 1: Every time I think I'm going to discover something big,

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Speaker 1: it ends up not being big. And every time I

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Speaker 1: think something is small, it ends up causing a lot

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Speaker 1: of triggering for me. So who knows at this point

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Speaker 1: what's going to happen right now? Like I said, I've

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Speaker 1: really been inundating myself in Korean culture has a lot

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Speaker 1: of feelings, a lot of feelings. Of course, part of

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Speaker 1: that is Korean cultures that we see what we see

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Speaker 1: not necessarily what is happening, but what we see in

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Speaker 1: the US is very glamorized. So I feel even less

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Speaker 1: worthy of being Korean, you know, like I'm not worth

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Speaker 1: their time to be a part of their culture. So

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Speaker 1: it's kind of like and I say they, because it

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Speaker 1: feels very much like they. So it's a lot of

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Speaker 1: emotions and feelings and then trying to figure out loving

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Speaker 1: something that didn't love me. That's what it feels like.

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Speaker 1: I think I told you that when I was talking

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Speaker 1: about doing the Korean New Year's tradition. A part of

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Speaker 1: that is giving offerings to your ancestors. And I said

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Speaker 1: the ancestors because they me over and I'm over it.

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Speaker 1: If they didn't care about me, why should I care

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Speaker 1: about them. It's kind of that whole level of like

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Speaker 1: not necessarily Korea as a whole, I guess Korea as

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Speaker 1: a whole, but even knowing, like even thinking about what

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Speaker 1: would have been had I stayed there, had my parents

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Speaker 1: kept me. Again, a lot of realities, a lot of stuff, abuse,

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Speaker 1: lots of neglect in that situation, what would have happened,

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Speaker 1: And so of course I have to be again link

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Speaker 1: to that, I need to be grateful because there's no

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Speaker 1: telling I definitely wouldn't be doing a podcast telling my

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Speaker 1: story had I remained in South Korea. So there's definitely

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Speaker 1: like a lot of conversations. And there's also an option

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Speaker 1: to get a citizenship review with South Korea, and I'm

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Speaker 1: considering it. I don't know. I think there's something about

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Speaker 1: I would like to be a dual citizen because I

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Speaker 1: do want to know about that. There's also there's a

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Speaker 1: whole tour you can take through the agency to learn

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Speaker 1: about your culture, and I think it can include trying

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Speaker 1: to find your biological parents. That thought just now, as

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Speaker 1: I said that out loud, makes me nauseous that it's

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Speaker 1: not something I want, but I am really sure I

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Speaker 1: had a sibling, and I don't at least one. There's questions.

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Speaker 1: I have questions, and that brings to mind when I

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Speaker 1: look at pictures of or when I see movies or

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Speaker 1: any of that of people of Korean people, I'm like,

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Speaker 1: do I look like them? We would be could be

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Speaker 1: be considered, you know, like siblings where you see people

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Speaker 1: like they obviously look alike, and then the whole Korean

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Speaker 1: culture is like, y'all all look alike, which is very general,

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Speaker 1: you know, like very huge stereotype that's really grows and racist.

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Speaker 1: But to the level of like is it do I

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Speaker 1: look similar to them because we're Korean? Like? Is that

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Speaker 1: a thing? Is that? I don't know? So there's a

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Speaker 1: lot of questions, like would I be able to recognize

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Speaker 1: a sibling. I don't know the feeling of looking at

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Speaker 1: someone look looking like me. So of course it's funny

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Speaker 1: to me when I see biological siblings that they do

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Speaker 1: look exactly alike. I was like, Wow, what is that?

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Speaker 1: What is that to know that you look that close

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Speaker 1: to each other? And then having that moment of like,

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Speaker 1: this is this is the commonality between all of us.

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Speaker 1: We all have this one knows or we all have

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Speaker 1: this specific type of you know eye or I said

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Speaker 1: to one eye, I don't know why I stay right,

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Speaker 1: we got one eye. The other one's like just you know, swollen.

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Speaker 1: I guess I don't know clue. I'm sorry they rambling,

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Speaker 1: But yeah, there's there's a whole lot of questions that's

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Speaker 1: unfathomable to me. And again I'm like a fat man,

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Speaker 1: I'm really late in this journey coming into mic like

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Speaker 1: what we would call midlife and doing this work fills

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Speaker 1: natural but unnatural and daunting. And then as again a

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Speaker 1: Korean woman who knows the bad things that are happening

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Speaker 1: when it comes to feminism and who believes in what

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Speaker 1: in the sexism that's happening in that country, knowing that

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Speaker 1: I probably wouldn't be accepted anyways because of the views

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Speaker 1: that I have, and thank God for them. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I think that's what keeps me alive. Um, there's there's

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Speaker 1: a conflict. There's a level of conflict, but also the

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Speaker 1: desperation of wanting to be a part truly a part

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Speaker 1: of something, like truly to understand something and have something

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Speaker 1: to hold as cultural, something cultural to me and important

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Speaker 1: to me as well so there's a lot right now,

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Speaker 1: and I feel like it's important that I talk about it.

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Speaker 1: I feel like it's important that we acknowledge, I guess,

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Speaker 1: and I acknowledge that there's still that conversation that hasn't

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Speaker 1: had enough when it when it comes to people who

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Speaker 1: are marginalized in their own community. I don't know how

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Speaker 1: to deals to say that, um, and that's whether it's

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Speaker 1: being marginalized in the feminist community, being marginalized in a

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Speaker 1: specific ethnicity, being marginalized as UM specific family member, even

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Speaker 1: that that's an overwhelming feat. But but there's still a

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Speaker 1: journey ahead, I guess to it. Yeah, and that's in

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Speaker 1: fact that email I told you about I just sent

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Speaker 1: out today. So we shall see what the answers will be.

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Speaker 1: And also I will be watching obviously these cases to

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Speaker 1: see what the implications are, because I know the US

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Speaker 1: has a big, a pretty large percentage of the overseas

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Speaker 1: adoptions that occurred through HALT as well, although the actual

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Speaker 1: two hundred or more adoptees following that lawsuit it's based

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Speaker 1: in Denmark. Hm hm, So yeah, we'll see. Thank you

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Speaker 1: for taking the time to listen and then coming with

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Speaker 1: me on this interesting very odd and very intimidating journey. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: thank you for being open and sharing. It's always interesting

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Speaker 1: because you and I started working. We've been doing this

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Speaker 1: four years together, and I feel like i've I've heard

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Speaker 1: you grappling with this and dealing with this, and I've

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Speaker 1: seen kind of your your journey through it and moving

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Speaker 1: through it. So I just am happy that you're you're

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Speaker 1: sharing it and I'm here for you, and you know

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Speaker 1: the listeners are too. But you don't have to share

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Speaker 1: anything you don't want to share. Well, thank you. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: an open book in trouble. Wow, thank you. Thank you

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Speaker 1: Samantha for sharing. I'm sure we'll have updates. You'll have

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Speaker 1: updates about it um and in the meantime, listeners, thank

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Speaker 1: you for joining us. Cheers to you. If you would

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Speaker 1: like to email us, you can or emails the stuff

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Speaker 1: ner mom Stuff at iheartmia dot com. You can find

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Speaker 1: us on Twitter at Mom's toff podcast, or on Instagram

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Speaker 1: and TikTok at stuff one never told you. We're also

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Speaker 1: on YouTube. That's your thing. We have a book, you

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Speaker 1: can pre order it at stuff You should read a

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Speaker 1: books dot com. I'm still kind of grappling with that dude,

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Speaker 1: what we have a book? Yeah, yes, Thanks as always

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Speaker 1: to our super producer Christina, our executive producer Maya, and

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Speaker 1: our contributor Joey. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and

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Speaker 1: thanks to you for listening. Stephanever told you inspection of

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Speaker 1: I Heart Radio, well podcast or my heart Radio. You

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Speaker 1: can check out that heart radio app, Apple podcast, or

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Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your favorite shows.