1
00:00:01,240 --> 00:00:04,840
Speaker 1: Today's Daily Highlight from Elvis Duran in the Morning Show.

2
00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:05,680
Speaker 2: I'm from the.

3
00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:08,360
Speaker 3: Mercedes Benz Interview Lounge.

4
00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:11,560
Speaker 2: When is it not a great time to have Matthew

5
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:18,320
Speaker 2: Hussey pay us a visit? I hope not today. Hi, Matthew, Hello, welcome, Hello,

6
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:23,920
Speaker 2: I I I went immediately to Cuckney. Then don't make

7
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,600
Speaker 2: me bring Andrew in here. You know, when Andrew does

8
00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:29,400
Speaker 2: his Matthew Hussey impersonating, it can't be called a Matthew

9
00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:32,680
Speaker 2: Hussey impersonation. It's some sort of strange Dick Van Dyke,

10
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:36,400
Speaker 2: Mary Poppins, Chimney sweet things. It's not good.

11
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,320
Speaker 4: I can't believe any of you think it's good. It is.

12
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,479
Speaker 2: It's good. It's a caricature of your voice. It's not

13
00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:46,000
Speaker 2: your voice. That enough of that. You have a book, Okay,

14
00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:48,560
Speaker 2: I think today is day day two. The book is out. Correct,

15
00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:51,400
Speaker 2: the book is officially out. Yeah, it was out yesterday,

16
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:55,480
Speaker 2: so people can order it now. Congratulations, then congratulations, and

17
00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:57,440
Speaker 2: you know what, and it's too early because it's only

18
00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:59,520
Speaker 2: a day in But when they put that gold New

19
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:02,360
Speaker 2: York Times best Seller emblem on the front.

20
00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:03,120
Speaker 4: Don't jinx it.

21
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,480
Speaker 2: No, no, it's gonna happen. It's gonna happen thanks to

22
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:10,160
Speaker 2: the power of this show. Is it on audible?

23
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,600
Speaker 5: And do you do the the voiceover? Voiceover?

24
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:19,800
Speaker 4: No, Andrew does. Andrew narrates it the entire audi open Andrew,

25
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:22,600
Speaker 4: Let's see how that would sound.

26
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,880
Speaker 2: I need I need some love music in the background.

27
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:27,080
Speaker 2: And then then we got to talk about the book

28
00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:30,520
Speaker 2: what it's all about, because I have thoughts here and Andrew. Everyone,

29
00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,600
Speaker 2: all right, okay, here, grab grab the book. Do you

30
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:44,160
Speaker 2: have any love music? Okay? Okay, good morning, Okay. This

31
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:48,040
Speaker 2: is not Matthew Hussey. This is an impersonator. Andrew. Good morning, Andrew,

32
00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:50,120
Speaker 2: Good morning everyone. How are you okay?

33
00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:53,840
Speaker 1: For apparently I sound like Dick Van Dyke or you know,

34
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,800
Speaker 1: Mary Poppins is something, but all right?

35
00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:57,880
Speaker 2: Read a passage from your book, Matthew. All right.

36
00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:02,320
Speaker 1: This one's from the chapter about red flags, treating people

37
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:06,080
Speaker 1: badly when they don't think you're looking. This red flag

38
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:09,280
Speaker 1: occurs when someone who's trying to impress you, seduce you,

39
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,040
Speaker 1: sleep with you, or make you fall in love with

40
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,320
Speaker 1: the person's a selective version of who they are. Bad

41
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:18,480
Speaker 1: actors do this, sure, but so does everyone on the

42
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:19,320
Speaker 1: best behavior.

43
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:23,799
Speaker 3: There you go it's pretty good.

44
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:28,639
Speaker 2: I think I'd rather hear his version than your give

45
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:29,600
Speaker 2: me my book, you got too many.

46
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:34,079
Speaker 4: That sounded like David Attenborough.

47
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:44,880
Speaker 2: About thank you, Andrew, don't go too far. Writing a

48
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:48,119
Speaker 2: book is an interesting journey, is it not? Oh my god,

49
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,320
Speaker 2: so I know you. You turned in your first your

50
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:52,760
Speaker 2: first draft to the publisher, and they looked at you

51
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,240
Speaker 2: and said this is crap.

52
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:58,760
Speaker 4: They didn't say it was crap. Actually, I got an

53
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,120
Speaker 4: email back from my publisher who I loved dearly and

54
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,480
Speaker 4: I worked on her, with her on her I worked

55
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:07,000
Speaker 4: with her on my first book and it was all great.

56
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,960
Speaker 4: And I sent her this email with chapters like first

57
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,320
Speaker 4: chapters of this book. This was back in I must

58
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:15,679
Speaker 4: have been twenty eighteen nineteen, and I said to her,

59
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,880
Speaker 4: here it is like I was like so excited. I

60
00:03:18,919 --> 00:03:22,280
Speaker 4: was like, just wait till you see this floating above

61
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,920
Speaker 4: the trees. And she took a needle up and popped it.

62
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:28,200
Speaker 4: She said. The first sentence she said, was I really

63
00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:31,800
Speaker 4: wanted to like this. Oh it was the first my

64
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:38,280
Speaker 4: feeling it was brutal. And she said it's so angry. Well,

65
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,720
Speaker 4: she said, your tone here is so angry.

66
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:44,720
Speaker 2: Were you angry? At the time. Yes, okay, so you

67
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,760
Speaker 2: know what, But you know the thing is that you

68
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,119
Speaker 2: recognized that you were in a dark space at that time,

69
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:50,800
Speaker 2: and the book came out dark. That means you were

70
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:52,200
Speaker 2: honestly writing that book.

71
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,040
Speaker 4: I really was, yeah, and I was going I'd been

72
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,880
Speaker 4: going through for like five to God, at that point,

73
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,880
Speaker 4: five or six years of my life. I'd been going

74
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:01,760
Speaker 4: through real, like physical chronic pain in my head and

75
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,960
Speaker 4: my ear. I had tenatus ringing in my ears NonStop.

76
00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:07,080
Speaker 4: I still have that, but I had like pain in

77
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,560
Speaker 4: my ear in my head. That for anyone who goes

78
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,800
Speaker 4: through physical chronic pain, you know, at a certain point

79
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,720
Speaker 4: it starts to kind of you can get quite bitter

80
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,800
Speaker 4: with it because you just start to it takes you

81
00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:17,520
Speaker 4: out of your life.

82
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,960
Speaker 2: So let's turn it around. Then, let's talk about how

83
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:23,640
Speaker 2: your journey then turned into one that gave us this book,

84
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,120
Speaker 2: which will be bestseller before you know it. I guarantee you.

85
00:04:26,839 --> 00:04:29,680
Speaker 2: I was skimming through, picked up a few things here

86
00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:33,039
Speaker 2: and there, and it was true. Matthew Hussey, it was you.

87
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:36,840
Speaker 2: It sounds so good, it feels warm, it has texture,

88
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,600
Speaker 2: it has taste. Even if you were blind, you would

89
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,839
Speaker 2: see a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful work of art here. You

90
00:04:42,839 --> 00:04:43,560
Speaker 2: did a great job.

91
00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:45,880
Speaker 4: Thank you so so much. It means the world to

92
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:48,080
Speaker 4: me coming from you. I've been doing this show for

93
00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:50,880
Speaker 4: ten years of my life at this point, which is

94
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:52,359
Speaker 4: crazy to me.

95
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:52,640
Speaker 1: You.

96
00:04:52,839 --> 00:04:55,400
Speaker 4: I first came on the show when I was talking

97
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,440
Speaker 4: about my first book, and so much has happened since then.

98
00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:01,440
Speaker 4: And also so much has happened. I feel like in

99
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:06,720
Speaker 4: dating culture and the way people struggle to find love,

100
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:10,200
Speaker 4: you know, everyone wants to find love. That desire to

101
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,720
Speaker 4: find someone is universal. A lot of people don't want

102
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:17,320
Speaker 4: to date, but they want to find love, and it's

103
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,000
Speaker 4: hard for so many people out there. Right now, I

104
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,520
Speaker 4: know there will be so many people listening who are

105
00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:24,960
Speaker 4: so scared that is never going to happen for them,

106
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,839
Speaker 4: or up so sad that it hasn't worked out the

107
00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,040
Speaker 4: way they thought it would by this point in their life.

108
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,000
Speaker 4: And what happens when that happens for long enough is

109
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:36,400
Speaker 4: we have this fear and anxiety that it's never going

110
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:39,320
Speaker 4: to happen. And when an internal culture of fear and

111
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:45,560
Speaker 4: anxiety meets an external dating culture of people giving as

112
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,920
Speaker 4: little as they can and taking as much as they can,

113
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:53,400
Speaker 4: that creates a recipe for us lowering our standards and

114
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,400
Speaker 4: accepting less than we're worth. And that's what this book

115
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:56,799
Speaker 4: is about.

116
00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,919
Speaker 2: Dating is frightening. It can be if you learn it

117
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:00,720
Speaker 2: and you become your worst enemy. Let's talk about it.

118
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,839
Speaker 2: It's about relationships, right. We have relationship not only with people,

119
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:06,400
Speaker 2: but with ourselves. We have relationships with money and food

120
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:12,000
Speaker 2: and bosses and careers and an ft up world. Learning

121
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,760
Speaker 2: how to figure out how to master all these relationships

122
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:18,440
Speaker 2: makes you makes you stronger. Then therefore your relationship with

123
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:20,680
Speaker 2: a person will have a better chance of succeeding.

124
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:24,159
Speaker 4: That's so true. I think we're in three relationships our

125
00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:27,039
Speaker 4: entire life. One is our relationship with other people, the

126
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:29,880
Speaker 4: second is our relationship with ourselves, and the third is

127
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:33,200
Speaker 4: our relationship with life itself. And I agree with you

128
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:36,600
Speaker 4: one hundred percent. If those other two relationships with life

129
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:40,719
Speaker 4: and with ourselves aren't great, it's going to impact everything.

130
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:42,560
Speaker 4: Because one of the reasons we don't have high standards

131
00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:46,840
Speaker 4: is because we don't respect ourselves, we don't love ourselves,

132
00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:50,440
Speaker 4: and then we go to someone else. And if we

133
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:54,440
Speaker 4: do have standards, they're almost like fake standards. They're like tactics.

134
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,840
Speaker 4: If I play hard to get, this person will come

135
00:06:56,880 --> 00:07:00,320
Speaker 4: to me. But when a tactic doesn't work, we just

136
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,960
Speaker 4: changed tactic. Oh, hard to get didn't work, Now let

137
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:06,280
Speaker 4: me text them. But when it's a standard, you don't

138
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,880
Speaker 4: change because you don't get the result you want. Like

139
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:12,320
Speaker 4: there was a time when my wife, Audrey is in

140
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:17,440
Speaker 4: the room right now, and Hi Adre, Hi Adrey.

141
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,920
Speaker 2: Hello, thanks for being here.

142
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:23,720
Speaker 4: There was a moment where when we were dating, I

143
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:27,000
Speaker 4: was the one who was like doing the classic kind

144
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:31,000
Speaker 4: of fading a little bit. We were playing, not even

145
00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:35,040
Speaker 4: game playing, we were dating. We weren't like in a relationship.

146
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,160
Speaker 4: At that point, she was living in London. I flew

147
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,920
Speaker 4: back to la and I was like, I can't The

148
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:43,239
Speaker 4: long distance thing didn't appeal to me. And she hadn't

149
00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:45,800
Speaker 4: heard from me for you know, a couple of weeks

150
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,600
Speaker 4: at that point, and even before that, my texts and

151
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:52,480
Speaker 4: stuff had started to become more sporadic. And I did

152
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,679
Speaker 4: the class I look back on this now and I cringe.

153
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:56,520
Speaker 4: But I did the thing where I sent a message

154
00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:59,800
Speaker 4: and said I miss you. And this was after like

155
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:04,400
Speaker 4: a couple of weeks of no contact, and she sent

156
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:10,760
Speaker 4: me the ultimate standards message back most people in that situation,

157
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,280
Speaker 4: if they've got someone they like, will get excited or

158
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:15,040
Speaker 4: they'll be like, oh, I'm just glad they texted me.

159
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:16,040
Speaker 2: How did she respond?

160
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:22,800
Speaker 4: She said, Hey, I hope you're well to be honest

161
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:25,760
Speaker 4: when you say this. I'm not really sure what to say.

162
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:30,400
Speaker 4: We haven't felt that close for a while, and rightly

163
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:34,280
Speaker 4: or wrongly, this text comes off as a bid for attention.

164
00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:38,360
Speaker 2: Wow, OK, I got for you, because you know what

165
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:41,760
Speaker 2: that is called just I have nothing to lose. I

166
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,760
Speaker 2: just I'm going to be honest here.

167
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,560
Speaker 5: And so text would have said bleep, you ask you know.

168
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:50,440
Speaker 4: What, wow, which would have been fair too, which is

169
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,160
Speaker 4: basically the same.

170
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:53,559
Speaker 3: So your other girls stopped talking to you, So now

171
00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:55,120
Speaker 3: you came back to yeah, exactly.

172
00:08:55,520 --> 00:09:00,480
Speaker 2: But could the could you're stumbling blocking our our potholes

173
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,160
Speaker 2: as well as we call them, be that we're out

174
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:06,240
Speaker 2: of another relationship where we didn't learn from it. Well, yeah,

175
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:07,920
Speaker 2: And you know this is why a lot of people

176
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,600
Speaker 2: your friends will say to you, you keep repeating, you

177
00:09:10,679 --> 00:09:13,760
Speaker 2: keep dating the same idiots over and over. We're not

178
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:18,960
Speaker 2: learning from the relationships that fail. That failing relationship could

179
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,960
Speaker 2: be the answer to the right relationship. On the way right.

180
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:24,600
Speaker 4: Yeah, And I don't think a lot of us ever

181
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:28,720
Speaker 4: take enough time to really figure that out, or even

182
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:32,079
Speaker 4: just enough space for our nervous system to calm down

183
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,480
Speaker 4: from that last relationship, because we come out of these

184
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:38,280
Speaker 4: relationships and they are very familiar to us. We're used

185
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:40,240
Speaker 4: to a certain kind of toxicity, or we're used to

186
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,240
Speaker 4: a certain kind of chaos, a certain kind of push.

187
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:45,520
Speaker 4: Paul I had a woman. I'd write about this woman

188
00:09:45,559 --> 00:09:47,160
Speaker 4: in the book, and the book is called love Life.

189
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,840
Speaker 4: For anyone who wants to know this woman, I coached

190
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,720
Speaker 4: her and she is. She said to me, I was

191
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,800
Speaker 4: with a guy for two years. It was really hard.

192
00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:59,560
Speaker 4: I never really felt safe. I was constantly kind of,

193
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:03,360
Speaker 4: you know, chasing him. But I had this amazing chemistry

194
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,480
Speaker 4: with him. And now I'm out there dating again, and

195
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,480
Speaker 4: I feel like I don't have that feeling with the

196
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:10,920
Speaker 4: people who want me. She said, what can I do?

197
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,400
Speaker 4: How can I find that same feeling with someone who

198
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,440
Speaker 4: wants me? And I had to point out that the

199
00:10:16,559 --> 00:10:20,840
Speaker 4: feeling she felt in the last relationship was actually an

200
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:25,160
Speaker 4: unnatural feeling to begin with. What she was calling chemistry

201
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:30,920
Speaker 4: was really constant, never ending anxiety, and the truth is

202
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,600
Speaker 4: that feeling we have when we chase someone in early

203
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,640
Speaker 4: dating that creates all of that excitement.

204
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:37,120
Speaker 2: It never ends.

205
00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,120
Speaker 4: If you're in a relationship where you still feel like

206
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,640
Speaker 4: you're chasing the person, where you feel like you're never

207
00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:45,040
Speaker 4: really safe, you're never really secure. It's like the frenetic

208
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:49,319
Speaker 4: anxiety of early dating never ends. And then when that

209
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:52,240
Speaker 4: person inevitably leaves us or betrays us, or cheats or

210
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:55,000
Speaker 4: doesn't want to want us anymore, we go looking for

211
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,679
Speaker 4: that feeling again. And you're not going to have that

212
00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:01,320
Speaker 4: same feeling with someone who actually turns to meet and

213
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:04,840
Speaker 4: starts asking you questions about yourself because they're genuinely interested

214
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:07,240
Speaker 4: in you and you feel safe.

215
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,439
Speaker 5: With But don't some people just like the chase, like

216
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:11,880
Speaker 5: that's what they love, like getting the person, and when

217
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,240
Speaker 5: they get the person, they get.

218
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,840
Speaker 2: Bored or don't you get tired of chasing?

219
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:16,440
Speaker 5: Maybe some people don't. I don't know.

220
00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:19,360
Speaker 4: You think so, well, that's the thing you have to

221
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,640
Speaker 4: decide what to value in life, because there are certain

222
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,400
Speaker 4: feelings that if you value them, there are certain highs

223
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,920
Speaker 4: that if you value them above all else, you'll spend

224
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:31,400
Speaker 4: a life chasing those highs. And that's okay, but there

225
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,640
Speaker 4: are consequences to that, and most of us don't want

226
00:11:33,679 --> 00:11:36,800
Speaker 4: those consequences. At a certain point, we realize, oh, this

227
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,440
Speaker 4: isn't working for me anymore. So I don't think there's

228
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:43,120
Speaker 4: it's no judgment for people who are in that phase

229
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,320
Speaker 4: of their life, and most people have been through that

230
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,920
Speaker 4: phase of their life in one way or another. But

231
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,280
Speaker 4: at a certain point, I think we have to look

232
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:53,760
Speaker 4: at it and go, is this making me happy? Like

233
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,360
Speaker 4: I do I feel a sense of calm or peace?

234
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:57,920
Speaker 4: Or am I constantly on edge?

235
00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:58,040
Speaker 6: Oh?

236
00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,720
Speaker 2: Go, go ok, stop wrote it? Repeat what you just said.

237
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,640
Speaker 2: I think this is important. You're in the chase with

238
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:07,880
Speaker 2: this individual you're having a relationship with. You know that

239
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:13,400
Speaker 2: you have the craziness, the late nights of being worried

240
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:17,680
Speaker 2: and not feeling settled. You forget about checking in with yourself,

241
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:21,120
Speaker 2: is what you just said. Say it again, am I

242
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,360
Speaker 2: Is this actually making me happy? Or am I just

243
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:28,679
Speaker 2: constantly trying to get this person without paying attention to

244
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,040
Speaker 2: how I actually feel?

245
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:31,160
Speaker 5: Yeah?

246
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,360
Speaker 3: So on that note, somebody once said to me that

247
00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:36,839
Speaker 3: the common denominator and every failed relationship that someone will have,

248
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:40,440
Speaker 3: specifically me, is me. I'm the person that's constant in

249
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,360
Speaker 3: all of these different things. So if I'm not learning

250
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:46,400
Speaker 3: something from every failed relationship, because of course we want

251
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:47,600
Speaker 3: to look at the other person and be like, well,

252
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,560
Speaker 3: this is what they did wrong. You're never going to

253
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,680
Speaker 3: change the other person. You can only change yourself. But

254
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:54,600
Speaker 3: how do you nicely say that to your friends who

255
00:12:54,679 --> 00:12:57,920
Speaker 3: keep going down this path and saying everybody's crazy, everyone

256
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,959
Speaker 3: is making the wrong choice. I just always want to

257
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:00,960
Speaker 3: with a crazy person.

258
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:05,560
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's an look, they're not. They may not be

259
00:13:05,679 --> 00:13:09,199
Speaker 4: wrong for the behaviors they're pointing out in someone else,

260
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:13,840
Speaker 4: but we have to ask ourselves, why is it I

261
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:17,120
Speaker 4: keep going for people like this? Why is it? You know,

262
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:20,360
Speaker 4: if we keep complaining about a partner who is making

263
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:24,800
Speaker 4: us miserable or never there or constantly disrespecting us, and

264
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,920
Speaker 4: we hear ourselves for the one thousandth time telling the

265
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,520
Speaker 4: same story about this person. It doesn't mean we're wrong

266
00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:34,160
Speaker 4: about this person, But why am I telling the story

267
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:37,800
Speaker 4: for the one thousandth time? What's going on with me.

268
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:46,040
Speaker 5: At the same person's name.

269
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:51,280
Speaker 4: It's it's understanding that you're there's something going on with

270
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:56,359
Speaker 4: me that I prefer complaining about this person than the alternative,

271
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,560
Speaker 4: which is to leave or to find something better for

272
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,760
Speaker 4: myself from why is it I'm uncomfortable with something better?

273
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:06,679
Speaker 2: These are your questions you should be asking yourself and

274
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,200
Speaker 2: don't be afraid to answer them. You may not get

275
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,800
Speaker 2: the answer immediately, but you have to at least start

276
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,040
Speaker 2: on your journey to figure it out. By the way,

277
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:18,440
Speaker 2: this is Matthew Hussey. Love Life is the name of

278
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,120
Speaker 2: his book that came out yesterday, How to Raise your standards,

279
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,520
Speaker 2: find your person and live happily no matter what.

280
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,440
Speaker 3: So you have a whole lot to say about red flags,

281
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:29,280
Speaker 3: which Andrew just read in his impression.

282
00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:29,560
Speaker 2: Points of view?

283
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,200
Speaker 3: Do you think that red flags have become a little

284
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,760
Speaker 3: more serious now that everybody has all of these options

285
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,440
Speaker 3: than they used to be, because every one of us

286
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:39,720
Speaker 3: has a red flag at some point? At what point

287
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:42,520
Speaker 3: do you say that's just a little character flawgs not

288
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,000
Speaker 3: that serious, versus Oh, this is awful, I'm out.

289
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:50,880
Speaker 4: That's a great questions. There's serious red flags, like someone's

290
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:55,840
Speaker 4: words never match their actions, right, they can't apologize, never apologize, right,

291
00:14:56,080 --> 00:15:02,480
Speaker 4: that's a big one. They killed that would be bad.

292
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:04,240
Speaker 3: It depends what.

293
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:09,400
Speaker 4: They did that happened in a moment of passion. Uh,

294
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,560
Speaker 4: all the true crime that's around. There's more famous people

295
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:16,840
Speaker 4: that killed their ex than ever, so it's uh, you

296
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:21,000
Speaker 4: know someone who continuously breaks promises. You know, there's there's

297
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:24,760
Speaker 4: big ones, but then there's just the everyday stuff that

298
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:28,840
Speaker 4: you know, someone got a little bit jealous, or someone

299
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,560
Speaker 4: you know got scared, or someone was texted you a

300
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:34,720
Speaker 4: little too much, or like it's there are these things

301
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:37,160
Speaker 4: that we write each other off for really easily, and

302
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:40,280
Speaker 4: I think I don't know that. The more I kind

303
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:43,040
Speaker 4: of worked on myself and the more I got humbled

304
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:46,200
Speaker 4: by life in my own life, the more I became

305
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:50,280
Speaker 4: I had to learn to accept all these flaws in myself.

306
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,640
Speaker 4: I had to learn to accept all these parts of

307
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:56,640
Speaker 4: me that someone else had to work with me on

308
00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:00,200
Speaker 4: and deal with. And once I became more compassionate towards

309
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:03,240
Speaker 4: the flaws in myself, it had the effect for me

310
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,360
Speaker 4: at least of making me more compassionate for those flaws

311
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,000
Speaker 4: in others. When I think about the times in my

312
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,200
Speaker 4: life where I judged other people the most, it was

313
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:12,960
Speaker 4: usually when I was judging myself the most.

314
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:17,600
Speaker 2: You're with someone and you realize that they're not flawed

315
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,120
Speaker 2: but they are still on their path to try to

316
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:23,400
Speaker 2: figure themselves out, which may never happen in their lifetime. Right,

317
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:27,040
Speaker 2: but you love them, you see there's something in there

318
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:30,640
Speaker 2: that is just so fabulously fantastic. But you just know

319
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,760
Speaker 2: that they were they will always be that person who's

320
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:37,080
Speaker 2: going to cause turmoil. It's gonna rear, it's ugly ahead

321
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,520
Speaker 2: from time to time. Where do you draw the line,

322
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:44,560
Speaker 2: where do you say, Okay, I can't live my life

323
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,720
Speaker 2: like this anymore. But at the same time, you risk

324
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:49,680
Speaker 2: losing that wonderful person that shares that same body.

325
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:53,440
Speaker 4: Love isn't enough. I mean, that's just the truth. We

326
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,280
Speaker 4: want to think love is enough, but it actually isn't.

327
00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,720
Speaker 4: You need compatibility in the world way that you want

328
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,200
Speaker 4: to live life. You need compatibility in the future that

329
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:07,080
Speaker 4: you want to have together. You need someone who is

330
00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:10,560
Speaker 4: capable of me in your core needs, not every single

331
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,960
Speaker 4: one of the needs you could ever have, but your

332
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:16,960
Speaker 4: core needs. And if being with this person is fundamentally

333
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,480
Speaker 4: incompatible with a life of peace and happiness for you,

334
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:23,159
Speaker 4: the idea that staying with them is one day going

335
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,160
Speaker 4: to make you happy is science fiction. The idea that

336
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,919
Speaker 4: they're going to change is science fiction. Consider for a

337
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:33,040
Speaker 4: moment how hard it is for us to change anything.

338
00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:35,680
Speaker 4: Like you wake up New Year's Day, you have all

339
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:37,280
Speaker 4: these things you'd like to do this year.

340
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:37,800
Speaker 2: We all do.

341
00:17:38,119 --> 00:17:41,200
Speaker 4: We make a few resolutions. Just think for a moment.

342
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:44,320
Speaker 4: You made those resolutions because you were motivated, because you

343
00:17:44,359 --> 00:17:47,720
Speaker 4: wanted that change to happen, because you really were serious

344
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:51,200
Speaker 4: about it. Then consider how hard it was to actually

345
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:56,200
Speaker 4: stick to those resolutions and you wanted to. So now

346
00:17:56,359 --> 00:18:00,600
Speaker 4: take a person who doesn't even want to Take a

347
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:04,480
Speaker 4: person who's not even chosen it as their resolution. What

348
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:06,600
Speaker 4: they want is just to get you off their back.

349
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,919
Speaker 4: That is not someone who's intrinsically motivated. And change is

350
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:16,600
Speaker 4: really hard even when you're intrinsically motivated. So the idea

351
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,119
Speaker 4: that this person is going to change is a fantasy.

352
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:22,480
Speaker 4: And especially, by the way, if the change you want

353
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,960
Speaker 4: is like it would mean essentially a personality transplant for them.

354
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,880
Speaker 4: Most of us change like five ten percent. And that's,

355
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,840
Speaker 4: by the way, that's beautiful, that's not pessimistic. Five ten

356
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:37,240
Speaker 4: percent will change the whole trajectory of your life. But

357
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,320
Speaker 4: when we change, we do not get a personality transplant.

358
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:44,119
Speaker 4: If for you to be happy, in fundamental ways they

359
00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:48,480
Speaker 4: would need a personality transplant. You must must assume it

360
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:52,000
Speaker 4: will never happen. And when you leave that person or

361
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,040
Speaker 4: decide to cut them off, it will hurt, and that

362
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:58,560
Speaker 4: hurt will trick you into thinking you have made the

363
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,639
Speaker 4: wrong decision, because when something hurts really badly, it feels

364
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,600
Speaker 4: like it must be wrong. But just because it hurts,

365
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:06,679
Speaker 4: it doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. Some of

366
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,120
Speaker 4: the greatest hurt is over some of the best decisions

367
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:09,760
Speaker 4: in our life.

368
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,879
Speaker 2: So therefore, everyone listening to this show right now, in

369
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:17,280
Speaker 2: a relationship, end it no just pull the plug, go

370
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,479
Speaker 2: to that pain. You know. One of my favorite things, Matthew,

371
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,320
Speaker 2: that you've said in the past, and you've said it

372
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:25,880
Speaker 2: several times, is the most dangerous moment is when you

373
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:29,760
Speaker 2: decide and you feel like you really like someone, when

374
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,639
Speaker 2: you find that person who you really connect with, and

375
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,960
Speaker 2: you're like, okay, where do we go with this? That's

376
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,600
Speaker 2: a you use the word dangerous, actually a dangerous moment?

377
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:40,520
Speaker 2: What does that mean?

378
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:42,399
Speaker 4: It's I talk about this in the book is the

379
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:45,879
Speaker 4: Four Levels of the Bullets Love Life. The book Love Life,

380
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,600
Speaker 4: which by the way, if you want to copy, you

381
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,880
Speaker 4: can go to lovelifebook dot com.

382
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,240
Speaker 2: Well, can I go to the other places too?

383
00:19:51,359 --> 00:19:53,600
Speaker 4: You can also go to Amazon, Bonds and Nobles. We

384
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:55,399
Speaker 4: make more percentage if I go to your website. No,

385
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,520
Speaker 4: we actually have some freebies that we're giving away on

386
00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:00,760
Speaker 4: that website, so that don't give away free you always

387
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:01,240
Speaker 4: hate when.

388
00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:03,840
Speaker 5: I give a sheep and the sweatshirts that you have

389
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:04,640
Speaker 5: are those freebies.

390
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,600
Speaker 4: They're cute, they're part of the Everyone who buys a

391
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:12,040
Speaker 4: book is entered into a giveaway for them. You can

392
00:20:12,119 --> 00:20:14,320
Speaker 4: register at lovelifebook dot com.

393
00:20:14,359 --> 00:20:18,040
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, So the moment that is most dangerous is

394
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:20,680
Speaker 2: when you meet them and decide, oh my god, I

395
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,280
Speaker 2: really really have a feeling this is something.

396
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:27,760
Speaker 4: Yeah, because that's mutual attraction feels hard to find, right

397
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,920
Speaker 4: we especially when we're single and we're we really want

398
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:35,160
Speaker 4: to find love. When we find someone who we're attracted to, firstly,

399
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:40,560
Speaker 4: that feels rare. Then if they like us back, it

400
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:43,560
Speaker 4: feels like the Holy Grail. It feels like this is

401
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:47,199
Speaker 4: it and we want to give everything to it. But

402
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:50,840
Speaker 4: the problem is there's two levels beyond that. There's commitment

403
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:55,679
Speaker 4: and there's compatibility. And if we don't have those we

404
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:59,520
Speaker 4: have this amazing connection, but to what end? We have

405
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,640
Speaker 4: to slow ourselves down when we decide something is that important.

406
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:04,639
Speaker 4: It doesn't mean you have to ignore your feelings. It

407
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,040
Speaker 4: means you have to check your feelings and go, Okay.

408
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,720
Speaker 4: I've been on an amazing date with someone. It was great,

409
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:15,800
Speaker 4: it felt incredible. But right now I am not seeing

410
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,560
Speaker 4: this person's character. I am seeing their impact on me,

411
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,160
Speaker 4: and there is a huge difference. And by the way,

412
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:25,600
Speaker 4: not to be too kind of, you know, fear mongering

413
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:27,920
Speaker 4: on this side of the spectrum, but some of the

414
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:33,000
Speaker 4: worst people, some of the biggest narcissists, are the greatest

415
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,400
Speaker 4: at creating the biggest impact on you when you're hot

416
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:38,680
Speaker 4: hot narcissies, Well.

417
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,240
Speaker 5: How long do you think it takes for you to

418
00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:43,199
Speaker 5: find out the real person? Because, like you said, you

419
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:45,280
Speaker 5: put your best foot forward in the beginning.

420
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,280
Speaker 4: I think you have to see them in multiple contexts,

421
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:52,679
Speaker 4: have different experiences with them, and start to see them

422
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:57,600
Speaker 4: over time. Because character is consistent. Impact can be momentary,

423
00:21:57,640 --> 00:22:01,480
Speaker 4: but character is consistent. And in order to measure consistency,

424
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:03,760
Speaker 4: you have to have you have to be seeing this

425
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,159
Speaker 4: person regularly. You have to see how much do they

426
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,440
Speaker 4: invest Three weeks from now, and if, by the way,

427
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:10,760
Speaker 4: the answer is well, we had an amazing two dates,

428
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,880
Speaker 4: but I haven't heard from them for two weeks, then

429
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:17,040
Speaker 4: you're learning exactly how much they're investing three weeks in exactly.

430
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,159
Speaker 4: He's really looked at Audrey when he said that, do

431
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:22,600
Speaker 4: I dre.

432
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:27,480
Speaker 2: Obviously we know where you got that chapter from.

433
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:31,840
Speaker 3: I think you got to stress people out immediately and

434
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:33,840
Speaker 3: early so that you can see how they handle conflicts,

435
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,560
Speaker 3: because that's something that you don't see for a really

436
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,000
Speaker 3: long time, and that can be a huge deal between people.

437
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:41,320
Speaker 4: Well, I do think I'm not sure about the proactively

438
00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:42,080
Speaker 4: stressing the mass.

439
00:22:42,119 --> 00:22:42,840
Speaker 2: Yes, proactively.

440
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:45,920
Speaker 4: I think going through things together is a good thing.

441
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:49,080
Speaker 4: Like going through hard times is one of the greatest

442
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:52,280
Speaker 4: measures of any relationship. And that doesn't mean you should

443
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:56,280
Speaker 4: necessarily engineer hard times. But what it does mean is

444
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,840
Speaker 4: that if you haven't been through any hard times with anyone,

445
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,120
Speaker 4: be careful about saying that.

446
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:03,440
Speaker 2: This is it.

447
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:04,400
Speaker 4: This is the person.

448
00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:05,400
Speaker 2: You don't know them.

449
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:08,240
Speaker 4: You have no idea reactor.

450
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:12,240
Speaker 2: How they treat their parents, how they treat a server

451
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,880
Speaker 2: at a restaurant, how they there's there's all those little things,

452
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:17,840
Speaker 2: and you're like I get that immediately. By the way,

453
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:19,479
Speaker 2: I'm gonna take one call. Do we have to take

454
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,760
Speaker 2: a break? But there's more unless you gotta go what

455
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:23,359
Speaker 2: you're timing.

456
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,080
Speaker 4: No, I'm so happy here.

457
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:27,480
Speaker 5: Having life here.

458
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:32,240
Speaker 2: Hello Aaron, Hi, good morning. You just ordered Love Life

459
00:23:32,359 --> 00:23:33,359
Speaker 2: starring Matthew husband.

460
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:33,800
Speaker 7: I did.

461
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:35,560
Speaker 6: I did, And so.

462
00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:37,520
Speaker 2: You're actually calling to say thank you for calling me

463
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,720
Speaker 2: out on my shenanigans. What does that mean? What does

464
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:41,920
Speaker 2: that mean in your mind?

465
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:44,840
Speaker 6: I don't know. I guess I've never really thought about it,

466
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:46,639
Speaker 6: you know, like I just have always assumed like I

467
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,919
Speaker 6: found crappy people in life, and like I just have

468
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,440
Speaker 6: learned to deal with it. But that's like when he said,

469
00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:54,760
Speaker 6: you know, like why are we choosing to deal with it?

470
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:56,280
Speaker 6: Like what is it in us that makes it? And

471
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,240
Speaker 6: the fact that maybe it's not like real, real love,

472
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,800
Speaker 6: it's just like a traction thing that to me, I

473
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:04,919
Speaker 6: think it goes back to like childhood, like there was

474
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,920
Speaker 6: never like real affection or emotion or things like that.

475
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:09,840
Speaker 6: So to me, like I find those people that you did,

476
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,360
Speaker 6: you worked on, fixed on and cured, and I think

477
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,840
Speaker 6: I'm a solution and I'm not. I'm not the solution.

478
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:16,880
Speaker 6: And it's too much work.

479
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,400
Speaker 4: I had a friend, Aaron, who was with a guy

480
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:24,760
Speaker 4: that treated her awfully, and she was with him for

481
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:28,160
Speaker 4: a while, and then when she found a new relationship

482
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:31,760
Speaker 4: after that one that really hurt her, she found this

483
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:36,359
Speaker 4: amazing guy lovely treated her well and it was a

484
00:24:36,359 --> 00:24:39,480
Speaker 4: really healthy relationship in the beginning. And her mom asked

485
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:42,640
Speaker 4: her one day, you know, how's it going, and she said,

486
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:47,639
Speaker 4: it's so weird, mom, he's so nice to me, and

487
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:50,520
Speaker 4: her mom her mom looked at her and said, that's

488
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:54,199
Speaker 4: how it's supposed to be. And so, Aaron, what I

489
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:57,760
Speaker 4: want to say to you is that other behavior that

490
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:01,720
Speaker 4: deep down you might really need, that safety, that person

491
00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:04,000
Speaker 4: who really sees you, that person who really shows up

492
00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:08,280
Speaker 4: for you, that person who's consistent. That might present as

493
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:11,800
Speaker 4: really unfamiliar when you first get it from someone. And

494
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:16,320
Speaker 4: when something's that unfamiliar, it's a bit uncomfortable. It's weird.

495
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:19,680
Speaker 4: It can even be boring, airing. It can feel kind

496
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:22,720
Speaker 4: of boring, like this isn't the chaos I'm used to.

497
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:26,520
Speaker 4: But that doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means it's

498
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:28,720
Speaker 4: not what I'm used to. And it might take me

499
00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:32,120
Speaker 4: a little bit to acclimatize to something that's more healthy,

500
00:25:32,359 --> 00:25:34,040
Speaker 4: especially if I've never had it.

501
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:36,960
Speaker 6: I want boring in my life.

502
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:44,600
Speaker 2: Boring is actually exciting sometimes, like my dad, doing nothing

503
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,800
Speaker 2: is doing something. And so if I if I can

504
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,760
Speaker 2: have just relax night with you with no arguing, I'm

505
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:52,960
Speaker 2: totally fine with it. Totally fine with it. A quick

506
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:54,520
Speaker 2: question from Frog and we've got to take a break.

507
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:55,120
Speaker 2: What's up? Frog?

508
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,639
Speaker 7: I always say that you I would rather do the

509
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:01,159
Speaker 7: most mundane, boring thing with the most wonderful person that

510
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:04,280
Speaker 7: I enjoy spending time with, been doing the most magical,

511
00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:06,760
Speaker 7: wonderful thing with the wrong person, because it ruins that

512
00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:10,920
Speaker 7: experience because it's with the wrong person that's so good.

513
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,120
Speaker 4: And I would say, you guys have my heart through

514
00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:18,960
Speaker 4: the roof. It's why we have to be really careful

515
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:21,600
Speaker 4: if we look at our dating life with someone early

516
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,320
Speaker 4: on and we just keep doing all of these kind

517
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:27,440
Speaker 4: of shiny, exciting things, because those can actually mask how

518
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:30,200
Speaker 4: little connection we have with someone. You know, the person

519
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:32,480
Speaker 4: you can fold laundry with and you're having the best

520
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:36,119
Speaker 4: time because you're just talking and lost in this amazing conversation.

521
00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:39,720
Speaker 4: That's that's fantastic. The person you have to keep going

522
00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:42,440
Speaker 4: on fancy dates with and it comes back and you're

523
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:44,560
Speaker 4: just like, oh my god, there's so much here. It's like, well,

524
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:46,600
Speaker 4: it might just be that the food at that restaurant

525
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,760
Speaker 4: was amazing. It might be that you went to an

526
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:51,280
Speaker 4: amazing show. It might it might not be anything to

527
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:53,400
Speaker 4: do with the connection you're having with that person. It's

528
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:56,240
Speaker 4: the experiences that this is providing.

529
00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:59,720
Speaker 2: Aaron, thank you so much for your call. And by

530
00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:02,719
Speaker 2: the way, Aaron, she said that that classic thing we

531
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:04,760
Speaker 2: hear all the time, Oh my god, you're hitting home

532
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,159
Speaker 2: with me. Now we're hitting home with a lot of

533
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:08,800
Speaker 2: people because what you're experiencing is what all of us experience.

534
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,919
Speaker 2: So this is our Okay, Matthew Hussey a little more

535
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:16,359
Speaker 2: in a second, No, I'm done. Elvis ran in the

536
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:19,359
Speaker 2: Morning show this spring. Get Hello Fresh and enjoy easy

537
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,480
Speaker 2: recipes delivered to your doorstep. Plus joined today and you'll

538
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:26,040
Speaker 2: get free dessert for life at HelloFresh dot com slash Elvis.

539
00:27:26,119 --> 00:27:28,320
Speaker 2: That's one free dessert item per box with an active

540
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:31,480
Speaker 2: subscription at HelloFresh dot com slash Elvis.

541
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:47,520
Speaker 8: Whoa guys, no idea? My voice was that annoyingly are used.

542
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:49,320
Speaker 4: To listening to the station that I found you guys.

543
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:53,639
Speaker 3: And I got so refreshing love you guys, Elvis Duran

544
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:54,760
Speaker 3: and the Morning Show.

545
00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:57,960
Speaker 2: His book is called love Life or it could be

546
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:00,199
Speaker 2: love life. You could say it either way, because I

547
00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:02,480
Speaker 2: get it. I get it. Oh me. It means many things,

548
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:07,479
Speaker 2: love life and love life and love life. People commenting Matthew,

549
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:09,359
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that's such an amazing show, much needed

550
00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:12,760
Speaker 2: topic on relationships. Thank you for this conversation. For Matthew,

551
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:16,320
Speaker 2: this is all great, but what about when you're twenty

552
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:18,720
Speaker 2: years into a relationship. Should you still expect to have

553
00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:22,120
Speaker 2: great conversations while you're folding laundry? What if you start

554
00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:25,440
Speaker 2: to need those amazing restaurants and experiences to generate new conversations.

555
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:30,480
Speaker 2: Does this mean love is no longer enough? Should turn

556
00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:32,359
Speaker 2: your microphone on? Yes, sir.

557
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:36,520
Speaker 4: In any long term relationship, newness is important. So I

558
00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:39,000
Speaker 4: think the balance can shift there where you're like, are

559
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:41,280
Speaker 4: we bringing newness into our relationship?

560
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:47,040
Speaker 2: I had a third party bring a third person in clause?

561
00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:51,520
Speaker 2: Who's with me? Hey? A lot of people have been

562
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:56,520
Speaker 2: commenting about how they feel as if you are digging

563
00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:59,360
Speaker 2: up things that they have buried, And I think this

564
00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:01,240
Speaker 2: book could be great for all of us who think

565
00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:05,080
Speaker 2: we know it all. Love life. Matthew Hussey another call,

566
00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:09,840
Speaker 2: then we'll Angela Lane twenty. Hello, Angela, say good morning

567
00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:11,400
Speaker 2: to Matthew Hussey.

568
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:12,720
Speaker 9: Come one to Matthew.

569
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:15,239
Speaker 2: Hey, Angela, what's going on?

570
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:20,280
Speaker 9: I had a question as far as like dating, having

571
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:22,880
Speaker 9: dated a narcissis, like how what's the best way to

572
00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:26,560
Speaker 9: know like dating a narcissis and how to get what's

573
00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:28,880
Speaker 9: the best way to break away from them? Because they

574
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:31,520
Speaker 9: can see very kind of I.

575
00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:33,880
Speaker 4: Think the truth is it's look. I think one of

576
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:35,960
Speaker 4: the traps we get stuck in, Angela is trying to

577
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:39,640
Speaker 4: diagnose someone when we're not an expert and you don't

578
00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:43,160
Speaker 4: need to diagnose someone. What you need to check in

579
00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:46,080
Speaker 4: with is your actual experience. Am I happy? Are my

580
00:29:46,160 --> 00:29:49,240
Speaker 4: needs getting met? Or am I consistent? Or am I

581
00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:53,600
Speaker 4: trying to figure out if this person is a diagnosable narcissist,

582
00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:56,760
Speaker 4: which is what you're doing? And if that's the case,

583
00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:59,280
Speaker 4: you have to say, how did I get here? What's

584
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:02,040
Speaker 4: going on there? Even asking these questions? And how long

585
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:03,760
Speaker 4: has it been going on for? How many times have

586
00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:05,640
Speaker 4: I cried? How many times have I tried to change

587
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:09,120
Speaker 4: it and nothing has changed. And then what you have

588
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:11,479
Speaker 4: to do is go into a place of acceptance that

589
00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:14,680
Speaker 4: this person, if they haven't changed so far, why would

590
00:30:14,680 --> 00:30:16,680
Speaker 4: I think they're going to change now? And if I

591
00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:19,600
Speaker 4: have to leave, the hardest thing to do is to

592
00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:22,200
Speaker 4: be the one who lights the fuse that blows up

593
00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:26,760
Speaker 4: your own life. That is really, really hard, But you

594
00:30:26,880 --> 00:30:29,320
Speaker 4: have to accept that if you stay, you'll never be happy,

595
00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,680
Speaker 4: and if you leave, there will be an initial mess.

596
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:34,560
Speaker 4: There will be especially if this is a difficult person,

597
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:37,520
Speaker 4: they're probably not going to make your life easy. Instead

598
00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:40,840
Speaker 4: of hoping that won't happen except that it might, accept

599
00:30:40,840 --> 00:30:43,600
Speaker 4: that it's coming and surrender to the fact that on

600
00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:46,680
Speaker 4: the other side of that mess is a far greater

601
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:49,440
Speaker 4: degree of peace and happiness than you have experienced in

602
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:52,320
Speaker 4: a long long time, and that it's worth going through

603
00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:53,240
Speaker 4: that mess to get to that.

604
00:30:53,440 --> 00:31:01,160
Speaker 2: Injel, enjoy the mess, Angela. Easy for us to say,

605
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:04,200
Speaker 2: but can you imagine actually going Okay, I know that

606
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:06,360
Speaker 2: if I go through this mess, it's gonna be a mess,

607
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,040
Speaker 2: but I'm gonna be so much stronger out of that mess.

608
00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:12,160
Speaker 2: Then okay, let's get messy, all right, Angela, Thank you

609
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:15,200
Speaker 2: so much before you leave. I want to The last

610
00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:18,160
Speaker 2: chapter in your book, Love Life, which is available at

611
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:27,400
Speaker 2: lovelife book dot com, is happy enough. Wow. Those two

612
00:31:27,440 --> 00:31:29,240
Speaker 2: words are pretty powerful because a lot of people are like,

613
00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:31,160
Speaker 2: you know, I don't know if I've found happiness quite yet.

614
00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:33,080
Speaker 2: I don't know what it's. Am I happy? I don't

615
00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:36,120
Speaker 2: am I I don't know? And you really kind of

616
00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:39,000
Speaker 2: address that in this chapter and it really makes you

617
00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:40,840
Speaker 2: makes me kind of calm in a way.

618
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:44,040
Speaker 4: Yeah, because I think we always talk about I cringe

619
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:45,640
Speaker 4: a little when I hear people say you have to

620
00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:48,280
Speaker 4: be happy in whole before you ever meet someone, And

621
00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:50,320
Speaker 4: I'm like, how many married people do you know that

622
00:31:50,320 --> 00:31:52,880
Speaker 4: we're happy in whole before they met someone? Like, it's

623
00:31:53,360 --> 00:31:56,440
Speaker 4: we all come to a relationship with stuff, we all

624
00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:59,080
Speaker 4: have baggage, we all have wounds that were still trying

625
00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:01,600
Speaker 4: to heal. And by the way, that we have to

626
00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:06,480
Speaker 4: stop pathologizing people who feel lonely because they haven't found

627
00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:09,400
Speaker 4: someone and feel sad that it hasn't happened yet. Those

628
00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:12,760
Speaker 4: are normal feelings to feel. We all have the longing

629
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:15,719
Speaker 4: for love, so instead of aiming for happy, which I

630
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:18,640
Speaker 4: think is intimidating and makes us feel inadequate for not

631
00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:22,320
Speaker 4: being able to get there. Happy Enough says, if my

632
00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:25,959
Speaker 4: life stayed the way it is today, I'd actually be okay.

633
00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:29,480
Speaker 4: Maybe I can even admit that if I found someone,

634
00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:32,280
Speaker 4: it would be even better. I can admit that. But

635
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:35,760
Speaker 4: you know what, I'm happy enough to hold. I'm happy

636
00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:38,000
Speaker 4: enough to say no to the wrong thing when it

637
00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:40,840
Speaker 4: comes along. I'm happy enough that when the right thing

638
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:44,440
Speaker 4: comes along, I don't change and act like someone who

639
00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:46,920
Speaker 4: can't lose it, because I'll die if I lose this

640
00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:51,360
Speaker 4: person that's so right for me. Happy enough is a superpower.

641
00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:55,560
Speaker 4: It is not settling. It is this strong foundation from

642
00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:59,320
Speaker 4: which to take risks, show your magic again, and actually

643
00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:01,600
Speaker 4: get out there. You can take big risks when you

644
00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:04,320
Speaker 4: know you can go home to yourself and still be okay.

645
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:08,800
Speaker 2: I love that. I love that. That was something every

646
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,520
Speaker 2: one of us needed to hear. You know, everyone smile, Matthew.

647
00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:17,280
Speaker 2: You do say something that's good and right every once

648
00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:19,360
Speaker 2: in a while, that that pearl of wisdom will roll

649
00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:22,680
Speaker 2: out of your oyster. It's fabulous. You know. We love you.

650
00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:32,200
Speaker 2: We love you, love life. He's laughing, love lovelifebook dot com.

651
00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:34,520
Speaker 2: Of course, it's love Life, Matthew Hussey, thank you for

652
00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:38,920
Speaker 2: coming in to me, Thank you for having me. Ah,

653
00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:39,720
Speaker 2: it's the weekend.

654
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:42,440
Speaker 4: Hey, this is Miley Cyrus your office A black Eyed Peace.

655
00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:44,800
Speaker 2: Hey, this is Selina Gomes with Elvis Duran in the

656
00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:48,800
Speaker 2: Morning Show. Wendy's new Cinnabon pull apart is here to

657
00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:52,520
Speaker 2: satisfy morning cravings with its warm, sweet cinnamon sugar rolled

658
00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:56,160
Speaker 2: dough ooh e gouey texture and signature cream cheese frosting.

659
00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:58,680
Speaker 2: Get the best part in every bite this morning with

660
00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:01,800
Speaker 2: Wendy's New Cinnabon pull up. Part only at participating US

661
00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:02,240
Speaker 2: Wendys