Speaker 1: We had a lot of sheep, and lambing season was
Speaker 1: always hectic and fun. We got to sleep in the
Speaker 1: barn and we wake up every two hours and go
Speaker 1: check to see if any new lambs were born, and
Speaker 1: some of the lambs would need help. And it's so
Speaker 1: nuts how the mom's instincts are. We had some lambs
Speaker 1: that were so weak that they would literally almost discard it,
Speaker 1: like not want to feed it.
Speaker 2: Did you have a lamb that was your favorite.
Speaker 1: Yeah, she was so tiny. I mean, gosh, maybe two pounds.
Speaker 1: She was discarded by her at first. She wouldn't even
Speaker 1: suck from the bottle, just looked sickly looking. The mom
Speaker 1: would not pay any attention to her, and I think
Speaker 1: pretty much everybody had given up on her. Nobody thought
Speaker 1: I should name her. Everyone thought she was going to die.
Speaker 1: And there was something in me that was like, no,
Speaker 1: she is going to live, and I'm going to be
Speaker 1: the one to help her live her life. I fought
Speaker 1: so much for this little you. I brought her home
Speaker 1: and there was like a cardboard box that I put
Speaker 1: like tons of blankets in and kept warming her up
Speaker 1: and snuggling her, feeding her. She started thriving. I named
Speaker 1: her Endurance. I was so proud of her that she
Speaker 1: did it, and couldn't think of a better name that
Speaker 1: she endured through it all, such a beautiful lamb. She
Speaker 1: finally was big enough to then go back out to
Speaker 1: pasture and live with the other sheep, and she was
Speaker 1: doing great out there. Every time she saw me, she'd
Speaker 1: come running.
Speaker 2: Did you feel like she kind of loved you the
Speaker 2: most because you had.
Speaker 1: Oh for sure? Yeah? Yeah, I definitely felt like I
Speaker 1: was her favorite. One day I was done school from
Speaker 1: the morning. I went around lunchtime to check on the sheet.
Speaker 1: I rode my bike up there and I walked to
Speaker 1: the back of the pasture and there was like a
Speaker 1: barn and then a gate. It was like this orangish
Speaker 1: rusty gate. I think somebody was supposed to like tie
Speaker 1: the gate. Somehow it had gotten loose, and I saw
Speaker 1: the gate fall in, and of all the sheep for
Speaker 1: it to land on, it landed on Endurance, right on
Speaker 1: her stomach, and it was all sunken in and killed her.
Speaker 1: I started crying, screaming, yelling for my dad, and I
Speaker 1: remember just screaming and Durns is dead, and Durns is dead.
Speaker 1: A gate fell on her. I mean, I was sobbing.
Speaker 1: I had never experienced a loss like this before, Like
Speaker 1: she was like my child. We dug a hole by
Speaker 1: a tree and we buried her. I remember thinking how
Speaker 1: unfair it was that, like, out of all the sheep,
Speaker 1: that she had to be the one. I just felt
Speaker 1: it cruel that she was the one that had to
Speaker 1: be taken.
Speaker 2: From Rocco, Punch and dieheard podcasts This is the Turning
Speaker 2: River Road, I America Lance and I'm Alan Lance Lesser,
Speaker 2: Part three, The Maidens. So the day that he made
Speaker 2: some kind of announcement about first borns, do you recall
Speaker 2: where you were?
Speaker 1: It was in the chapel at the Shepherd's camp.
Speaker 2: The day felt like any other. All one hundred and
Speaker 2: fifty members of River Road gathered at the Apple for fellowship.
Speaker 2: Lindsay remembers the light streaming in as Victor delivered his sermon,
Speaker 2: But some details feel fuzzy now.
Speaker 1: Maybe I wasn't even really paying attention, you know, because
Speaker 1: I was still a thirteen year old kid.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're maybe even daydreaming, zoning.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I tried to look forward to my notes.
Speaker 1: I can't find the teaching. But he was talking about firstborns,
Speaker 1: and in the Old Testament, you know, firstborn's being a
Speaker 1: sacrifice to God.
Speaker 2: Victor started listing several names of girls in the room,
Speaker 2: all first born and all daughters of leadership. Some of
Speaker 2: them girls Lindsay looked up to. Then Lindsay heard it
Speaker 2: her name, he was talking to her. By the end,
Speaker 2: there were ten names of girls aged twelve to twenty three.
Speaker 2: Victor explained that these ten had a new role to play.
Speaker 2: They would leave their families in the satellite properties. They
Speaker 2: would live together in the four plex near Victor, at
Speaker 2: the heart the Shepherd's Camp.
Speaker 1: It was just like, do you want to, you know,
Speaker 1: help serve in the church and you know, dedicate your
Speaker 1: life to serving in the church. And what a blessing
Speaker 1: that would be, What an honor for our family that
Speaker 1: would be.
Speaker 2: These ten girls would be kind of like nuns. They'd
Speaker 2: live together like sisters. Eventually he would call them by
Speaker 2: a special name, the name the whole camp would adopt
Speaker 2: for them. They would be known as the Maidens.
Speaker 1: I thought it would be kind of like a long
Speaker 1: sleepaway camp, which I one time I was allowed to
Speaker 1: go to a sleep away camp for like a weekend,
Speaker 1: and I remember it was so much fun. Like we'd
Speaker 1: be out at night knocking on like the boys cabins
Speaker 1: and then running back to ours, and they had like
Speaker 1: a luau one night for like the last night. I
Speaker 1: think it was so I not that we'd be knocking
Speaker 1: on boys cabins at the camp, but I thought it
Speaker 1: was going to be fun. I don't think anyone told
Speaker 1: me like the severity of what was going to happen.
Speaker 2: Lindsay packed a bag just toiletries a few outfits. She
Speaker 2: couldn't wait till about her summer camp dreams. Not only
Speaker 2: would she be bunking with the cool girls, but also
Speaker 2: with her best friend Jessana Jess for short, who had
Speaker 2: been selected to Lindsay and Jess were the youngest of
Speaker 2: the girls handpicked by Victor, twelve and thirteen years old.
Speaker 2: Lindsay had liked Jess from the moment she met her,
Speaker 2: back when she first visited Minnesota. Jess had a huge
Speaker 2: smile and a huge laugh and fiery red hair.
Speaker 1: When she would smile, it was like all her teeth
Speaker 1: would show. You know those people that just have that
Speaker 1: like almost like Julia Roberts, you know that like just
Speaker 1: million dollar, gorgeous smile. She came off as just like
Speaker 1: a tough kid. She wasn't going to be messed with.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't say it was this calm, sweet It was
Speaker 1: more this like fierce fun storm that you wanted to
Speaker 1: jump in and be a part of and just get
Speaker 1: swept up in the swirl of it all.
Speaker 2: Everyone in River Road Fellowship, even the kids, were required
Speaker 2: to pitch in to keep the community functioning. Hard work
Speaker 2: was a given, and with Jess it was fun. Bailing
Speaker 2: hay was fun.
Speaker 1: It was just the square bal so you'd pick it
Speaker 1: up out of the field and throw it onto the truck.
Speaker 1: And I loved that kind of stuff. I think even now,
Speaker 1: hard work like that is just in my blood. I
Speaker 1: love doing the physical, hard labor. And I remember just
Speaker 1: and I just like laughing and not really goofing off
Speaker 1: because we were taking it seriously. You were hot and sweaty,
Speaker 1: and the straw and the hay like was just sticking
Speaker 1: to you everywhere. But it was just one of those fun,
Speaker 1: hard days together. She was like the ying to my
Speaker 1: Yang at that time, because I was kind of the
Speaker 1: same way, always looking for the next fun thing to do,
Speaker 1: the imaginative you know what can we create, and are
Speaker 1: we living on a homestead or are we pirates in a desert?
Speaker 1: You know, like just like all that stuff. So I
Speaker 1: don't even know if pirates in a desert? What was that?
Speaker 3: But you know what I mean.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Lindsay's mind went wild with excitement anytime she thought
Speaker 2: about bunking with Jess all summer. But what they didn't
Speaker 2: know was that for maidens, make believe wasn't allowed. They
Speaker 2: were there for another purpose, not to play.
Speaker 1: I do remember a couple days before my parents dropped
Speaker 1: me off, my dad being more sad than my mom.
Speaker 1: I think she probably was a little sad, but I
Speaker 1: think she was more excited for me. But I remember
Speaker 1: my dad being so sad and I just didn't get it.
Speaker 1: I was like, Dad, like I don't understand why you're
Speaker 1: so sad. And I remember them asking me like are
Speaker 1: you sure this is what you want to do? Like
Speaker 1: are you sure you want to make this commitment? And
Speaker 1: I was just like yeah, Like I'm going to go
Speaker 1: spend the summer with my friends. I'll be back. It's
Speaker 1: really no big deal. Have you ever seen a tear bottle?
Speaker 1: Like an alabaster tearbottle? He had it was one that
Speaker 1: had like a top to it, and it was really
Speaker 1: pretty colored. It was gray and purple and really swirly.
Speaker 2: Tear bottles or tearcatchers are an ancient tradition symbols of mourning. Supposedly,
Speaker 2: someone in grief or under pressure would collect their tears
Speaker 2: in a bottle a way to remember their pain. Victor
Speaker 2: and his wife had given Lindsay's dad this tear bottle.
Speaker 2: It was connected to a Bible verse that Victor loved
Speaker 2: to quote. They that's so in tears shall reap in joy.
Speaker 2: Victor said that all the time he loved to talk
Speaker 2: about the joy of tears.
Speaker 1: My dad gave that to me before I left, and
Speaker 1: I remember him talking about that even though he was sad,
Speaker 1: now he would be happy for me. I was just like, okay, Dad,
Speaker 1: like thank you. You know, I'll hold on to it.
Speaker 1: And I did. I put it on, you know, my
Speaker 1: portion of the dresser that I had. I don't know.
Speaker 1: I just did not really understand what I was walking into.
Speaker 1: I'm sure they didn't know everything, you know, how terrible
Speaker 1: it was going to get.
Speaker 2: Throughout her time in River Road Fellowship, Lindsay would be
Speaker 2: asked about her commitment. Was she willing to give herself
Speaker 2: to God to the church at face value? Each time
Speaker 2: she was asked, it looked like a choice she had
Speaker 2: the freedom to make, to move forward or reject. But
Speaker 2: each choice was also interwoven with the lessons Victor taught,
Speaker 2: and he taught about choice often. He liked to use
Speaker 2: a story from the Bible about a woman named Ruth.
Speaker 1: From the Book of Ruth, which is in the Old Testament.
Speaker 2: The part Victor liked best was when Ruth is a
Speaker 2: young woman. She's struggling to survive after the death of
Speaker 2: her husband. So one night she goes to the home
Speaker 2: of a rich man named Boaz. While Boas sleeps, she
Speaker 2: lies at the foot of his bed and takes the
Speaker 2: blanket off his feet. When he wakes up, Boaz picks
Speaker 2: up this blanket and covers Ruth with it. Victor explained,
Speaker 2: covering her meant Boaz was agreeing to take her as
Speaker 2: a wife, but also covering her spiritually, leading her, taking
Speaker 2: care of her.
Speaker 1: And then she ended up sleeping with him and then
Speaker 1: having a son who on to be in the line
Speaker 1: of Jesus Christ. So there were these teachings of you know,
Speaker 1: this damsel asking this godly man to cover her.
Speaker 2: In this story, Ruth took the initiative. She asked Boaz
Speaker 2: to cover her. She made the choice.
Speaker 1: He talked about how Ruth came softly to Boas, how
Speaker 1: she claved to Boas, and when you cleave to someone,
Speaker 1: it means to join yourself. He talked about how Ruth
Speaker 1: always stayed under subjection to Boaz, that Boaz was a
Speaker 1: man of God, that she was faithful to him, and
Speaker 1: that Ruth is a great example to the woman in
Speaker 1: not being anxious and being patient. He said, Ruth is
Speaker 1: very diligent and obedient from this time on. She lives
Speaker 1: in a subjection. She lives in the fear of God,
Speaker 1: and that he said that Jesus Christ is looking for
Speaker 1: a virgin.
Speaker 2: Lindsay wrote notes about all of this in a notebook,
Speaker 2: diligently quoting Victor so she wouldn't forget. At thirteen. Some
Speaker 2: of it went over her head, but some parts nestled
Speaker 2: deep inside her. The Song of Solomon preached during Victor's
Speaker 2: Summer of Love Ruth and Boaz. Victor's selected teachings seemed
Speaker 2: to have one dominant theme, romantic love between a man
Speaker 2: and a woman. Where the man is a stand in
Speaker 2: for God. She took this teaching with her as she
Speaker 2: moved to the shepherd's camp. One day early in the summer,
Speaker 2: Lindsay's parents dropped her off. Two people were there to
Speaker 2: greet her, one of the maidens and a woman named Jan.
Speaker 2: Jan was Victor's right hand who visited Lindsay's home in Pennsylvania.
Speaker 2: When they first met, the one with a hard looking face,
Speaker 2: I was a.
Speaker 1: Little standoffish, just because of the authority. You know, she
Speaker 1: was in charge. She had been Victor's assistant all those years.
Speaker 2: At this point, Lindsay only knew Jan peripherally from playing
Speaker 2: with Jan's daughter or seeing her at meetings. But now
Speaker 2: Jan would take on a new role in her life,
Speaker 2: a role to all the maidens.
Speaker 1: I would say she was almost placed as like the mother,
Speaker 1: the mother over all of us.
Speaker 2: If they needed something like clothes or health products, they
Speaker 2: were told they could go to her.
Speaker 1: I don't think I really opened up to her very much.
Speaker 1: She always seemed a little scary to me, really, not
Speaker 1: a warm and fuzzy person. Is almost like a pioneer woman,
Speaker 1: you know, just that hardness to her.
Speaker 2: Jan would start to have a lot of control over
Speaker 2: Lindsay's life. She and the church elders designed the maiden schedules,
Speaker 2: assigned duties, and shaped their day to day. So on
Speaker 2: the day of Linday's arrival, Jan took Linday's parents to
Speaker 2: talk with Victor while one of the maidens brought Lindsay
Speaker 2: to the Fourplex to unpack. The four Plex was a
Speaker 2: large building with several apartment like units. Lindsay would live
Speaker 2: there with the nine other maidens. Eventually the Fourplex became
Speaker 2: known as Alamoth. Alamoth means maidens, and Hebrew, the maidens
Speaker 2: themselves were called Alamoth too. In the beginning, life as
Speaker 2: a maiden seemed to meet Linda's summer camp expectations.
Speaker 1: I remember the first week, we had this huge almost
Speaker 1: like a flatbed trailer, like a really big one that
Speaker 1: you could stack hay on or whatever. We put that
Speaker 1: out in the field and loaded up with blankets and
Speaker 1: we all slept out under the stars there with Victor.
Speaker 1: Mosquitoes were really bad, but then like you could just hear,
Speaker 1: you know, like the wind wrestling people giggling. The sky
Speaker 1: were so clear. I was just like wow, like sleeping
Speaker 1: on other stars. You know, my friends are here. This
Speaker 1: is great. There were loons that lived on the lake
Speaker 1: in the morning, like we hear the loons, it's like
Speaker 1: anyone just echo off the lake. What a beautiful sound
Speaker 1: that became like our bird. The maidens, it seemed like
Speaker 1: wherever we went there were loons there. The loons were
Speaker 1: like the maidens thing with Victor. It was just something
Speaker 1: that always reminded us of him and us.
Speaker 2: At the Shepherd's camp, Lindsay and the nine other maidens
Speaker 2: got to work. Their days were full of chores and
Speaker 2: anything to keep the camp running. They made food in
Speaker 2: the dining hall, gardened and cleaned. As always, hard work
Speaker 2: was expected, but gradually a starker line was drawn between
Speaker 2: the outside world and Victor and his maidens. A few
Speaker 2: weeks in, Victor started talking about the role of women
Speaker 2: in the community. It started one day in the dining
Speaker 2: hall when a ups man dropped something off. Jess, Lindsay's
Speaker 2: friend with red hair, and another maiden turned their heads
Speaker 2: to see who was there. Victor did not like this.
Speaker 2: He said their eyes were for Christ. They shouldn't concern
Speaker 2: themselves with the outside world. From that moment, don he said,
Speaker 2: they were not allowed to look a man in the
Speaker 2: eyes other than Victor. He called it dove's eyes, a
Speaker 2: reference from the Song of Solomon.
Speaker 1: So literally, if you were a man, I would have
Speaker 1: to be talking like this to you the whole time.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean you're it's like you have to you're
Speaker 2: talking to me, but you have to keep your eyes
Speaker 2: down a little to the side, to the side and
Speaker 2: down so that you're not actually looking at the man.
Speaker 1: Yep, and we should only look at Victor in the eyes.
Speaker 1: How did you react to that? I thought it was
Speaker 1: so weird. I felt so awkward, and I mean I
Speaker 1: was going through my awkward phase. I hadn't gotten my
Speaker 1: period yet, so I hadn't even gone through like hormones,
Speaker 1: but I, you know, was starting to develop little buds there,
Speaker 1: little breasts, probably my hormones were starting to take off.
Speaker 1: And I was just in that awkward teenager stage, you know,
Speaker 1: like thirteen, probably tripping all the time and very like
Speaker 1: I was very outgoing as like a younger person. But
Speaker 1: then I just kind of got gangly and I don't know,
Speaker 1: just awkward, and so I felt so awkward even more.
Speaker 1: I was like what how I'm like, I'm looking at
Speaker 1: the ground as I'm talking to this person, like that
Speaker 1: makes me feel so weird, you know, almost like so
Speaker 1: self conscious, like, oh my gosh, if I lift my
Speaker 1: head up a little, am I going to get in trouble?
Speaker 1: If I accidentally look at this person in the eyes?
Speaker 1: Am I going to get in trouble? You know? Is
Speaker 1: Victor going to see me and he's gonna like yell
Speaker 1: at me. Yeah. It was a very uncomfortable and awkward.
Speaker 2: It's like enforced awkwardness.
Speaker 1: Yeah. He also did something pretty early on to where
Speaker 1: if the maidens were singing to the church or even
Speaker 1: to just like the people at the dining hall, instead
Speaker 1: of looking out at them and singing, we had to
Speaker 1: sit in a half circle and look at each other
Speaker 1: and sing. Even though we were singing to them, we
Speaker 1: were not allowed to look at the people we were
Speaker 1: singing to.
Speaker 2: It's really just constantly enforcing this insolarty where your world
Speaker 2: is getting smaller and smaller and smaller.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I got really shy during that time. I was
Speaker 1: a very outgoing kid, loved to perform, made people laugh.
Speaker 1: I remember getting very very shy during that time. I
Speaker 1: remember he was calling me miss Mouseie because I was
Speaker 1: just so quiet I felt like I had to watch
Speaker 1: my every move.
Speaker 2: Lindsey remembers one time she and one of the older
Speaker 2: maidens went to the lodge. The lodge was where Victor
Speaker 2: lived ever since he took off his wedding ring and
Speaker 2: moved away from his wife and sons. The maidens were
Speaker 2: set up to be Victor's caretakers now, and that meant
Speaker 2: more intimate responsibilities.
Speaker 1: And we went to rub Victor's feet, and so we
Speaker 1: went back into his bedroom and he was sitting there
Speaker 1: and we were rubbing his feet, and I was being
Speaker 1: so shy, so quiet. Oh, I just didn't know how
Speaker 1: to act around him. He made me really nervous. And
Speaker 1: you know, I saw some of the other maidens really
Speaker 1: show him care, and you know, you could just tell
Speaker 1: they really loved him and wanted to help him.
Speaker 2: While Lindsay and the other maiden rubbed his feet, Victor
Speaker 2: told them a Bible story with a moral about showing
Speaker 2: your fervor and faith. He was clearly pointing at Lindsay's shyness.
Speaker 2: Lindsay often felt confused during conversations like this. They challenged
Speaker 2: her instinct, and her instinct now was to crawl inside herself.
Speaker 2: She waited and watched, afraid to be called on who
Speaker 2: was she meant to be? Now? The expectations felt heavy,
Speaker 2: yet fuzzy. Summer was coming to an end. They were
Speaker 2: coming up on the Feast of Tabernacles, the big celebration
Speaker 2: of the season's harvest. When one day Lindsay was gardening
Speaker 2: with jan.
Speaker 1: I remember she had those knee pads you could wear
Speaker 1: that she was sitting on, like around the flowers or perennials.
Speaker 1: I was just sitting there on my knees next to her,
Speaker 1: you know, just digging around, just talking, and then boom.
Speaker 1: I was talking about the visa Tabernacles coming up, and
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, yeah, I'm really excited, you know,
Speaker 1: to see my parents and you know, go home and
Speaker 1: start school again. And she was like, oh, like no, Lindsay,
Speaker 1: like you're here to stay. You're a maiden now you're
Speaker 1: going to be staying here. And I was like wait what.
Speaker 1: She's like, yeah, like your mom will send over all
Speaker 1: your winter clothes and anything you'll need. You committed your life.
Speaker 1: You're staying with the maidens. And I was like what, Like,
Speaker 1: I'm not going home. I was like wait, like what
Speaker 1: did I agree to? Because I don't ever remember making
Speaker 1: a commitment like this. But I also know that I
Speaker 1: felt too maybe scared to speak up and question it
Speaker 1: or ask anyone about it. I did not know that
Speaker 1: it was for life. That was a shock.
Speaker 2: Lindsay felt this immense sadness inside. But Lindsay just kept
Speaker 2: digging on her knees next to Jan.
Speaker 1: It was almost felt like it was too late, like
Speaker 1: I couldn't I felt trapped. I couldn't do anything about it,
Speaker 1: you know, like this was my life. I remember being
Speaker 1: like a cool night. It was dark out, and Victor
Speaker 1: called me up to the lodge that's where he lived.
Speaker 1: I walked in and I was still so nervous to
Speaker 1: be I guess around him by myself. I just felt
Speaker 1: very awkward, not really sure how to act. And I
Speaker 1: sat down on this He had a leather couch there
Speaker 1: that faced a fireplace and the fire was going, and
Speaker 1: then he sat in a chair. He asked how I
Speaker 1: liked being here, you know, and I said it was
Speaker 1: going fine, and you know, it was like small talk.
Speaker 1: And then he asked me if I had ever masturbated before,
Speaker 1: and I had no idea what that we was even meant.
Speaker 1: My mom had never had these kinds of talks with me.
Speaker 1: I was only thirteen and pretty sheltered from a lot
Speaker 1: of things, and he did not believe me. And I
Speaker 1: remember I kept telling him like, I don't know what
Speaker 1: it means, I'm telling you the truth, and he kept
Speaker 1: thinking I was lying. He got really really mad at me.
Speaker 1: You know, I had seen Victor get really mad at people,
Speaker 1: spit in their faces and yell at them at meal times,
Speaker 1: but it had never happened to me yet. And seeing
Speaker 1: his rage like that, I didn't want to make him mad,
Speaker 1: and I didn't know how to fix it. He slapped
Speaker 1: me across the face and yelled at me to get
Speaker 1: out of the lodge. I was sitting on the couch,
Speaker 1: that leather couch. When I got up to even run out,
Speaker 1: I mean, it literally felt like band aids ripping off
Speaker 1: of my legs because I had sweated so much on
Speaker 1: the couch that it was sticking to the leather, and
Speaker 1: I felt like I was just ripping band aids off
Speaker 1: of my skin. When I ran out of there, my
Speaker 1: tears felt like boiling water coming out of my eyes.
Speaker 1: They were just felt so hot. And I ran down
Speaker 1: the hill and over that bridge that connected the pond
Speaker 1: to the lake and was running straight towards Alamoth and
Speaker 1: it was so dark.
Speaker 4: I don't know.
Speaker 1: I remember just almost crying out to my parents, who
Speaker 1: weren't there. Why God, why are you leaving me here?
Speaker 1: Like I missed my mom and dad? Why can't I
Speaker 1: go home? I just curled up on my bed and
Speaker 1: like a ball. I don't think. I put the covers
Speaker 1: on and just cried. It wasn't too long after, maybe
Speaker 1: like thirty minutes, maybe a little bit more. One of
Speaker 1: the maidens came and said that Victor was on the
Speaker 1: phone for me. There was one phone in alum Off
Speaker 1: in the four plex that we could use, and he
Speaker 1: asked me to come back to the lodge. My heart
Speaker 1: was beating out of my chest. I felt like I
Speaker 1: could hear it, that's how loud it was. I went
Speaker 1: back to the lodge and sat down in his hole.
Speaker 1: His whole demeanor had changed. He started talking to me
Speaker 1: very lovingly. He was talking about how much God loved
Speaker 1: me and how special I was and how God had
Speaker 1: chosen me. And he said that one way for him
Speaker 1: to show me how much God loved me was to
Speaker 1: have sex with me, and that even though he would
Speaker 1: have sex with me, I would still be able to
Speaker 1: remain a virgin spiritually. And he referenced Jesus Christ and
Speaker 1: how he had Mary Magdalene and the Apostle Paul, how
Speaker 1: he had Phoebe and probably other women. And I remember
Speaker 1: it vividly, like I it's so clear to me, Like
Speaker 1: I remember the fire blazing and the little crackles going up.
Speaker 1: But I think like in the moment, I was empty.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I said maybe like two words.
Speaker 1: Y asked if I would go back to the bedroom
Speaker 1: with him, and it was pretty dark in there. He
Speaker 1: had all these like windows and I think glass doors
Speaker 1: that would lead out onto the deck. I remember laying
Speaker 1: on the bed and I remember laying there not moving.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to touch him. I felt like I
Speaker 1: was a deer in headlights. I was so scared. I
Speaker 1: didn't know what to say, what to do. I think
Speaker 1: I was just almost standing outside on the deck watching
Speaker 1: it happen. Physically, it was very painful. I remember he
Speaker 1: started getting a little irritated because I wasn't being passionate
Speaker 1: at all. But that first time was mostly just me
Speaker 1: laying there like stiff as a board, very confused, very scared,
Speaker 1: feeling so alone? Where are my parents? Why can't I
Speaker 1: go home?
Speaker 3: Why? Me?
Speaker 1: And when it was over, that was pretty much it.
Speaker 1: He sent me back to the four plex. I walked
Speaker 1: there and I just remember going over and over again
Speaker 1: in my mind, like why.
Speaker 3: Why can't I be back at home. It definitely didn't
Speaker 3: feel like God's laugh. It felt totally the opposite, and
Speaker 3: I just cried myself to sleep that night and never
Speaker 3: talked about it.
Speaker 2: Soon after that night, Victor told the maidens they had
Speaker 2: a choice to make. They could stay and honor their
Speaker 2: commitment as a maiden or go. Staying meant they would
Speaker 2: remain unmarried and accept this role for the rest of
Speaker 2: their lives. He told them they'd each write a letter
Speaker 2: confirming their decision, and they would write the letter today.
Speaker 1: I definitely thought that everyone was going to say yes.
Speaker 1: I remember feeling like I couldn't say no. I didn't
Speaker 1: even know if my parents would want me back because
Speaker 1: they gave me to him. I just remember feeling almost
Speaker 1: like I had no other options, that the only thing
Speaker 1: to say was yes, that I would stay, and all
Speaker 1: ten of us said yes.
Speaker 2: Victor invited Lindsay's parents Carmen and Peggy to his lodge.
Speaker 2: They sat on the same leather couch where Victor had
Speaker 2: interrogated Lindsay that night. In the lodge, Victor and another
Speaker 2: man was there an elder in the church. Lindsay watched
Speaker 2: for miss Stool in the kitchen. Victor told them his
Speaker 2: plans for Lindsay's future. He explained that Lindsay was called
Speaker 2: to make a lifetime commitment, a vowed to remain unmarried
Speaker 2: and serve the church.
Speaker 1: And what an honor it was, What an honor it
Speaker 1: was for my family. And he said that in this
Speaker 1: it was natural and spiritual for when I turned eighteen
Speaker 1: for Victor to take care of me sexually.
Speaker 2: Victor explained this to her parents by claiming this was
Speaker 2: reflected in the Bible. Jesus had Mary Magdalene, the Apostle,
Speaker 2: Paul had Phoebe. He told them that these holy men
Speaker 2: took care of the women who committed themselves to the men,
Speaker 2: and that included taking care of the women sexually, as
Speaker 2: though it's a kindness to the woman who follows.
Speaker 1: And he even said something like, you know, Carmen, if
Speaker 1: you were the one out on the road and preaching
Speaker 1: the gospel and sharing about Christ's coming and all that stuff.
Speaker 1: And you met Peggy and she started serving with you
Speaker 1: in that way it would be natural for you to
Speaker 1: take care of her sexual needs. And that made me
Speaker 1: feel so embarrassed. I never had these kinds of talks before,
Speaker 1: and still hadn't had my period yet. I still felt
Speaker 1: like a little kid.
Speaker 2: Did they seem to react?
Speaker 1: I do remember seeing my dad's face and he looked
Speaker 1: very serious.
Speaker 2: After the meeting, they walked out together and Lindsay had
Speaker 2: a quick, informal goodbye with her parents.
Speaker 1: My dad and Victor were walking in front, and I
Speaker 1: was walking back with my mom, and she like took
Speaker 1: my arm and squeezed it and smiled. But I don't
Speaker 1: even know if we exchanged words.
Speaker 2: Feel free to be like I don't even want to
Speaker 2: take the time to answer that question if you don't
Speaker 2: feel like it, but it can't help. But wonder, like,
Speaker 2: what was going on with your parents at the time
Speaker 2: in that meeting? Were they in denial? It's hard, I
Speaker 2: think for anybody to wrap their mind around. But what
Speaker 2: do you do?
Speaker 1: You have a guess as to what was going on
Speaker 1: just from perceiving their behavior during like the Summer of
Speaker 1: Love ninety nine, and even when we moved to the camp,
Speaker 1: I think I shared that story of my mom wanting
Speaker 1: the idea of putting on her wedding dress and when
Speaker 1: we got to the camp, and yeah, I would say
Speaker 1: that maybe my mother was possibly more accepting of it
Speaker 1: and maybe even excited for me that I had this
Speaker 1: kind of commitment, maybe even jealous in a way. My father,
Speaker 1: my guess was, he was maybe more hesitant and maybe
Speaker 1: even confused on how this made sense. But again, neither
Speaker 1: of them did anything. They just left me there. Again, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think there was part of me that was like,
Speaker 1: why aren't you guys saying anything? Like why I mean, honestly, though,
Speaker 1: if you were a parent and this forty year old
Speaker 1: guy was saying he was going to wait till eighteen
Speaker 1: and I'm only thirteen. Really, I mean thinking back now,
Speaker 1: like who would just sit there? No red flags are raised.
Speaker 1: You wouldn't be like, I'm taking my daughter home. The
Speaker 1: people that I trusted all my life, this man of God,
Speaker 1: and this ordained man of God one of his right
Speaker 1: hand men, are all saying this is good and fine.
Speaker 1: And yeah, it was a very confusing time, I guess
Speaker 1: I am special being compared to Mary Magdalen with Jesus
Speaker 1: Christ like, oh my gosh, I mean wow, I'm one
Speaker 1: of the chosen ones. I was just like, okay, well,
Speaker 1: this is my life now.
Speaker 2: Lindsay sat on the floor in the fourplex with her
Speaker 2: friend Jess. They were alone in the bedroom next to
Speaker 2: the bunk beds. She looked at Jess, at the red
Speaker 2: hair and face full of freckles. The usual smile wasn't there.
Speaker 2: They asked each other, did Victor talk with your parents too?
Speaker 2: Both of them said yes. To Lindsay, it meant they
Speaker 2: were both acknowledging what Victor had done to them, what
Speaker 2: he did when he called a maiden to the lodge
Speaker 2: at night.
Speaker 1: The words didn't need to be said. It was just,
Speaker 1: is this happening to you too?
Speaker 2: That's when one of the older maidens walked in.
Speaker 1: She came in and heard us and was like, you
Speaker 1: guys cannot be talking about this stuff. She told Victor,
Speaker 1: And that's when we were separated for a little while.
Speaker 1: If there were jobs, we weren't allowed to be together.
Speaker 1: We weren't allowed to share a room together. The ton
Speaker 1: of us knew it was happening, but nobody said anything
Speaker 1: about it.
Speaker 2: Decided to plan an event to present the maidens to
Speaker 2: the church, a spiritual marriage ceremony in front of their parents,
Speaker 2: the clergy, and the elders. The ceremony would be a
Speaker 2: way to make the maidens an official fixture of the church,
Speaker 2: approved by the community.
Speaker 1: Have you ever been involved in like a really big
Speaker 1: event and you have an important part, whether it's in
Speaker 1: a wedding, you're walking down the aisles of flower girl
Speaker 1: or a bridesmaid, and maybe you have the butterflies, and
Speaker 1: you know it's a really big event, and maybe you're
Speaker 1: not sure what to do. Like those were all the
Speaker 1: feelings that I was feeling. I knew this was going
Speaker 1: to be really important and that for some reason, God
Speaker 1: had chosen me to be a part of this.
Speaker 2: The night of the commitment ceremony was cold, the type
Speaker 2: of winter weather where they'd bundle their faces except for
Speaker 2: their eyes. Lindsay noticed how in days like this, the
Speaker 2: warm condensation her breath would cling to her eyelashes, turning
Speaker 2: them into tiny icicles. A heavy layer of snow covered
Speaker 2: the property, with ice hanging stiffly from the buildings. It
Speaker 2: was dark in the evening after dinner. The maiden's parents,
Speaker 2: the clergy, the elders, and Victor gathered in the dining hall.
Speaker 2: The room was dim lit just by oil lanterns on
Speaker 2: the walls. Each maiden wore a cream lace veil.
Speaker 1: I think I knew I should be happy. I remember
Speaker 1: feeling very nervous and my parents they waved at one point,
Speaker 1: and I kind of shied away.
Speaker 2: She wasn't sure she was even allowed to look her
Speaker 2: dad in the eyes anymore. Victor preached about concubines in
Speaker 2: the Bible.
Speaker 1: Like Solomon had many concubines, and it was basically just
Speaker 1: women and waiting, and he would call one of them
Speaker 1: to have sex with them.
Speaker 2: Said, the maidens would be more than concubines.
Speaker 1: But we were committing our life to serving God in
Speaker 1: the church and to remaining unmarried for that purpose of,
Speaker 1: you know, committing our life to God. I wanted to
Speaker 1: obey and submit because I didn't want to get in trouble.
Speaker 1: I didn't fully grasp, you know, like for the rest
Speaker 1: of my life, what that meant, and that it meant
Speaker 1: to Victor, not to Jesus Christ, not to God, it
Speaker 1: meant to Victor.
Speaker 2: The girls lined up from oldest to youngest. Victor walked
Speaker 2: down the line. He asked each of them a question
Speaker 2: of commitment. Each one said I do. Victor took out
Speaker 2: a dish of salt. For each girl. He licked his finger,
Speaker 2: dipped it in the salt, and put his finger on
Speaker 2: his tongue. Then he dipped his finger in the salt
Speaker 2: again and put the salt on her tongue.
Speaker 1: I remember thinking that my parents took salt when they
Speaker 1: were married. So I was trying to remember the things
Speaker 1: that Victor had told us, that we were chosen, that
Speaker 1: this was an honor, that how great heaven was going
Speaker 1: to be because we had decided to give our lives.
Speaker 1: This is almost like the ultimate sacrifice. And this is
Speaker 1: such an opportunity for me. And out of all the
Speaker 1: girls in the entire world, there's only ten of us.
Speaker 2: Victor took out ten gold rings.
Speaker 1: He put the rings on our hands. This was to
Speaker 1: be worn on our ring fingers. Doesn't fit anymore. I mean,
Speaker 1: I was just a kid there, but this is all
Speaker 1: it goes on now.
Speaker 2: And only it doesn't even pass your second knuckle now, Nope,
Speaker 2: it's so tiny.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I was just a kid.
Speaker 2: Next time, on the Turning.
Speaker 5: Victor detested overweight women. He thought they were disgusting, and
Speaker 5: that was one of the reasons that such an emphasis
Speaker 5: was put on weight control, and any of the women
Speaker 5: in the church who were a little heavier were consistently
Speaker 5: being told to work on their weight.
Speaker 2: The Turning is a production of Rococo Punch and iHeart Podcasts.
Speaker 2: It's written and produced by Alan Lance, Lesser and Me.
Speaker 2: Our story editor is Emily Foreman. Mixing and sound designed
Speaker 2: by James Trout. Grace Doe is our production assistant. Fact
Speaker 2: checking by Andrea Lopez Crusado. Our executive producers are John
Speaker 2: Parratti and Jessica Alpert at Rococo Punch and Katrina Norvel
Speaker 2: and Nikki Etour at iHeart Podcasts. You can follow us
Speaker 2: on Instagram at Rococo Punch, and you can reach out
Speaker 2: via email The Turning at Rococo punch dot com I
Speaker 2: America Lance thanks for listening.