WEBVTT - S3:EP 3 - The Maidens 0:00:11.400 --> 0:00:14.560 We had a lot of sheep, and lambing season was 0:00:14.600 --> 0:00:22.279 always hectic and fun. We got to sleep in the 0:00:22.280 --> 0:00:24.360 barn and we wake up every two hours and go 0:00:24.440 --> 0:00:27.240 check to see if any new lambs were born, and 0:00:27.360 --> 0:00:31.880 some of the lambs would need help. And it's so 0:00:32.080 --> 0:00:38.280 nuts how the mom's instincts are. We had some lambs 0:00:38.280 --> 0:00:42.360 that were so weak that they would literally almost discard it, 0:00:42.560 --> 0:00:43.519 like not want to feed it. 0:00:46.360 --> 0:00:48.400 Did you have a lamb that was your favorite. 0:00:48.680 --> 0:00:57.040 Yeah, she was so tiny. I mean, gosh, maybe two pounds. 0:00:58.240 --> 0:01:02.360 She was discarded by her at first. She wouldn't even 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:08.920 suck from the bottle, just looked sickly looking. The mom 0:01:09.080 --> 0:01:12.000 would not pay any attention to her, and I think 0:01:12.360 --> 0:01:15.319 pretty much everybody had given up on her. Nobody thought 0:01:15.360 --> 0:01:19.040 I should name her. Everyone thought she was going to die. 0:01:19.240 --> 0:01:21.679 And there was something in me that was like, no, 0:01:21.959 --> 0:01:24.280 she is going to live, and I'm going to be 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:32.000 the one to help her live her life. I fought 0:01:32.360 --> 0:01:38.919 so much for this little you. I brought her home 0:01:39.680 --> 0:01:43.040 and there was like a cardboard box that I put 0:01:43.080 --> 0:01:46.960 like tons of blankets in and kept warming her up 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:54.080 and snuggling her, feeding her. She started thriving. I named 0:01:54.080 --> 0:01:57.520 her Endurance. I was so proud of her that she 0:01:57.640 --> 0:02:00.200 did it, and couldn't think of a better name that 0:02:00.240 --> 0:02:13.400 she endured through it all, such a beautiful lamb. She 0:02:13.480 --> 0:02:16.080 finally was big enough to then go back out to 0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:19.160 pasture and live with the other sheep, and she was 0:02:19.200 --> 0:02:21.640 doing great out there. Every time she saw me, she'd 0:02:21.639 --> 0:02:22.240 come running. 0:02:23.520 --> 0:02:25.520 Did you feel like she kind of loved you the 0:02:25.520 --> 0:02:27.200 most because you had. 0:02:27.160 --> 0:02:31.799 Oh for sure? Yeah? Yeah, I definitely felt like I 0:02:31.960 --> 0:02:39.120 was her favorite. One day I was done school from 0:02:39.160 --> 0:02:42.440 the morning. I went around lunchtime to check on the sheet. 0:02:43.600 --> 0:02:48.720 I rode my bike up there and I walked to 0:02:48.760 --> 0:02:51.960 the back of the pasture and there was like a 0:02:51.960 --> 0:02:55.239 barn and then a gate. It was like this orangish 0:02:55.600 --> 0:02:59.959 rusty gate. I think somebody was supposed to like tie 0:03:00.120 --> 0:03:05.040 the gate. Somehow it had gotten loose, and I saw 0:03:05.080 --> 0:03:09.360 the gate fall in, and of all the sheep for 0:03:09.440 --> 0:03:12.520 it to land on, it landed on Endurance, right on 0:03:12.560 --> 0:03:20.480 her stomach, and it was all sunken in and killed her. 0:03:21.360 --> 0:03:26.680 I started crying, screaming, yelling for my dad, and I 0:03:26.680 --> 0:03:29.560 remember just screaming and Durns is dead, and Durns is dead. 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:40.720 A gate fell on her. I mean, I was sobbing. 0:03:40.880 --> 0:03:44.400 I had never experienced a loss like this before, Like 0:03:44.480 --> 0:03:50.800 she was like my child. We dug a hole by 0:03:50.800 --> 0:03:54.360 a tree and we buried her. I remember thinking how 0:03:54.440 --> 0:03:59.320 unfair it was that, like, out of all the sheep, 0:04:00.080 --> 0:04:04.560 that she had to be the one. I just felt 0:04:04.600 --> 0:04:08.240 it cruel that she was the one that had to 0:04:08.240 --> 0:04:09.040 be taken. 0:04:24.880 --> 0:04:27.880 From Rocco, Punch and dieheard podcasts This is the Turning 0:04:28.120 --> 0:04:32.080 River Road, I America Lance and I'm Alan Lance Lesser, 0:04:33.480 --> 0:04:46.159 Part three, The Maidens. So the day that he made 0:04:46.200 --> 0:04:49.640 some kind of announcement about first borns, do you recall 0:04:49.760 --> 0:04:50.440 where you were? 0:04:51.320 --> 0:04:54.240 It was in the chapel at the Shepherd's camp. 0:04:55.680 --> 0:04:58.080 The day felt like any other. All one hundred and 0:04:58.120 --> 0:05:01.080 fifty members of River Road gathered at the Apple for fellowship. 0:05:01.800 --> 0:05:05.000 Lindsay remembers the light streaming in as Victor delivered his sermon, 0:05:05.680 --> 0:05:07.320 But some details feel fuzzy now. 0:05:08.279 --> 0:05:10.720 Maybe I wasn't even really paying attention, you know, because 0:05:10.760 --> 0:05:13.760 I was still a thirteen year old kid. 0:05:13.960 --> 0:05:15.919 Yeah, you're maybe even daydreaming, zoning. 0:05:16.080 --> 0:05:19.000 Yeah, yeah, I tried to look forward to my notes. 0:05:19.040 --> 0:05:23.480 I can't find the teaching. But he was talking about firstborns, 0:05:23.800 --> 0:05:26.159 and in the Old Testament, you know, firstborn's being a 0:05:26.200 --> 0:05:27.680 sacrifice to God. 0:05:29.080 --> 0:05:31.760 Victor started listing several names of girls in the room, 0:05:32.040 --> 0:05:35.640 all first born and all daughters of leadership. Some of 0:05:35.640 --> 0:05:40.159 them girls Lindsay looked up to. Then Lindsay heard it 0:05:40.360 --> 0:05:45.800 her name, he was talking to her. By the end, 0:05:45.920 --> 0:05:49.039 there were ten names of girls aged twelve to twenty three. 0:05:50.000 --> 0:05:52.799 Victor explained that these ten had a new role to play. 0:05:53.560 --> 0:05:56.720 They would leave their families in the satellite properties. They 0:05:56.720 --> 0:05:59.560 would live together in the four plex near Victor, at 0:05:59.560 --> 0:06:00.960 the heart the Shepherd's Camp. 0:06:01.839 --> 0:06:03.479 It was just like, do you want to, you know, 0:06:04.400 --> 0:06:06.800 help serve in the church and you know, dedicate your 0:06:06.800 --> 0:06:09.600 life to serving in the church. And what a blessing 0:06:09.640 --> 0:06:11.760 that would be, What an honor for our family that 0:06:11.800 --> 0:06:12.280 would be. 0:06:19.360 --> 0:06:21.920 These ten girls would be kind of like nuns. They'd 0:06:21.960 --> 0:06:25.479 live together like sisters. Eventually he would call them by 0:06:25.520 --> 0:06:28.400 a special name, the name the whole camp would adopt 0:06:28.440 --> 0:06:32.440 for them. They would be known as the Maidens. 0:06:35.760 --> 0:06:39.360 I thought it would be kind of like a long 0:06:39.400 --> 0:06:42.800 sleepaway camp, which I one time I was allowed to 0:06:42.839 --> 0:06:45.920 go to a sleep away camp for like a weekend, 0:06:46.680 --> 0:06:48.520 and I remember it was so much fun. Like we'd 0:06:48.520 --> 0:06:51.200 be out at night knocking on like the boys cabins 0:06:51.279 --> 0:06:54.640 and then running back to ours, and they had like 0:06:54.680 --> 0:06:57.000 a luau one night for like the last night. I 0:06:57.080 --> 0:07:00.520 think it was so I not that we'd be knocking 0:07:00.560 --> 0:07:02.599 on boys cabins at the camp, but I thought it 0:07:02.640 --> 0:07:05.280 was going to be fun. I don't think anyone told 0:07:05.279 --> 0:07:07.040 me like the severity of what was going to happen. 0:07:12.040 --> 0:07:16.240 Lindsay packed a bag just toiletries a few outfits. She 0:07:16.240 --> 0:07:19.200 couldn't wait till about her summer camp dreams. Not only 0:07:19.280 --> 0:07:21.640 would she be bunking with the cool girls, but also 0:07:21.680 --> 0:07:25.120 with her best friend Jessana Jess for short, who had 0:07:25.120 --> 0:07:28.440 been selected to Lindsay and Jess were the youngest of 0:07:28.480 --> 0:07:32.120 the girls handpicked by Victor, twelve and thirteen years old. 0:07:33.000 --> 0:07:35.160 Lindsay had liked Jess from the moment she met her, 0:07:35.560 --> 0:07:39.200 back when she first visited Minnesota. Jess had a huge 0:07:39.200 --> 0:07:41.960 smile and a huge laugh and fiery red hair. 0:07:42.560 --> 0:07:44.600 When she would smile, it was like all her teeth 0:07:44.640 --> 0:07:46.720 would show. You know those people that just have that 0:07:46.880 --> 0:07:50.320 like almost like Julia Roberts, you know that like just 0:07:50.520 --> 0:07:55.800 million dollar, gorgeous smile. She came off as just like 0:07:55.880 --> 0:07:59.560 a tough kid. She wasn't going to be messed with. 0:08:00.400 --> 0:08:03.040 I wouldn't say it was this calm, sweet It was 0:08:03.120 --> 0:08:09.040 more this like fierce fun storm that you wanted to 0:08:09.160 --> 0:08:11.640 jump in and be a part of and just get 0:08:11.680 --> 0:08:14.760 swept up in the swirl of it all. 0:08:15.800 --> 0:08:18.840 Everyone in River Road Fellowship, even the kids, were required 0:08:18.840 --> 0:08:21.920 to pitch in to keep the community functioning. Hard work 0:08:22.000 --> 0:08:25.560 was a given, and with Jess it was fun. Bailing 0:08:25.600 --> 0:08:26.320 hay was fun. 0:08:28.680 --> 0:08:30.600 It was just the square bal so you'd pick it 0:08:30.680 --> 0:08:32.640 up out of the field and throw it onto the truck. 0:08:32.720 --> 0:08:36.120 And I loved that kind of stuff. I think even now, 0:08:36.280 --> 0:08:39.640 hard work like that is just in my blood. I 0:08:39.679 --> 0:08:43.240 love doing the physical, hard labor. And I remember just 0:08:43.320 --> 0:08:46.959 and I just like laughing and not really goofing off 0:08:46.960 --> 0:08:50.160 because we were taking it seriously. You were hot and sweaty, 0:08:50.200 --> 0:08:52.840 and the straw and the hay like was just sticking 0:08:52.880 --> 0:08:57.520 to you everywhere. But it was just one of those fun, 0:08:58.000 --> 0:09:01.559 hard days together. She was like the ying to my 0:09:01.679 --> 0:09:03.920 Yang at that time, because I was kind of the 0:09:03.960 --> 0:09:06.880 same way, always looking for the next fun thing to do, 0:09:06.960 --> 0:09:11.040 the imaginative you know what can we create, and are 0:09:11.080 --> 0:09:14.840 we living on a homestead or are we pirates in a desert? 0:09:14.840 --> 0:09:17.480 You know, like just like all that stuff. So I 0:09:17.520 --> 0:09:20.600 don't even know if pirates in a desert? What was that? 0:09:20.960 --> 0:09:22.360 But you know what I mean. 0:09:25.600 --> 0:09:34.320 Yeah, Lindsay's mind went wild with excitement anytime she thought 0:09:34.320 --> 0:09:37.560 about bunking with Jess all summer. But what they didn't 0:09:37.559 --> 0:09:41.640 know was that for maidens, make believe wasn't allowed. They 0:09:41.679 --> 0:09:44.240 were there for another purpose, not to play. 0:09:44.920 --> 0:09:49.320 I do remember a couple days before my parents dropped 0:09:49.320 --> 0:09:52.600 me off, my dad being more sad than my mom. 0:09:53.320 --> 0:09:55.080 I think she probably was a little sad, but I 0:09:55.080 --> 0:09:58.600 think she was more excited for me. But I remember 0:09:58.640 --> 0:10:02.839 my dad being so sad and I just didn't get it. 0:10:02.880 --> 0:10:06.360 I was like, Dad, like I don't understand why you're 0:10:06.400 --> 0:10:09.000 so sad. And I remember them asking me like are 0:10:09.040 --> 0:10:10.680 you sure this is what you want to do? Like 0:10:10.760 --> 0:10:13.400 are you sure you want to make this commitment? And 0:10:13.520 --> 0:10:16.960 I was just like yeah, Like I'm going to go 0:10:17.000 --> 0:10:21.160 spend the summer with my friends. I'll be back. It's 0:10:21.240 --> 0:10:27.720 really no big deal. Have you ever seen a tear bottle? 0:10:27.840 --> 0:10:31.120 Like an alabaster tearbottle? He had it was one that 0:10:31.200 --> 0:10:32.920 had like a top to it, and it was really 0:10:32.960 --> 0:10:37.000 pretty colored. It was gray and purple and really swirly. 0:10:38.360 --> 0:10:43.560 Tear bottles or tearcatchers are an ancient tradition symbols of mourning. Supposedly, 0:10:43.640 --> 0:10:46.280 someone in grief or under pressure would collect their tears 0:10:46.280 --> 0:10:50.160 in a bottle a way to remember their pain. Victor 0:10:50.160 --> 0:10:52.360 and his wife had given Lindsay's dad this tear bottle. 0:10:53.080 --> 0:10:55.480 It was connected to a Bible verse that Victor loved 0:10:55.520 --> 0:10:59.360 to quote. They that's so in tears shall reap in joy. 0:11:01.640 --> 0:11:04.440 Victor said that all the time he loved to talk 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:06.560 about the joy of tears. 0:11:08.240 --> 0:11:14.440 My dad gave that to me before I left, and 0:11:15.520 --> 0:11:17.640 I remember him talking about that even though he was sad, 0:11:17.720 --> 0:11:23.120 now he would be happy for me. I was just like, okay, Dad, 0:11:23.160 --> 0:11:26.959 like thank you. You know, I'll hold on to it. 0:11:27.000 --> 0:11:28.960 And I did. I put it on, you know, my 0:11:30.320 --> 0:11:33.360 portion of the dresser that I had. I don't know. 0:11:33.440 --> 0:11:37.160 I just did not really understand what I was walking into. 0:11:39.760 --> 0:11:44.240 I'm sure they didn't know everything, you know, how terrible 0:11:44.280 --> 0:11:45.439 it was going to get. 0:11:57.080 --> 0:11:59.839 Throughout her time in River Road Fellowship, Lindsay would be 0:11:59.880 --> 0:12:03.160 asked about her commitment. Was she willing to give herself 0:12:03.160 --> 0:12:07.160 to God to the church at face value? Each time 0:12:07.200 --> 0:12:08.960 she was asked, it looked like a choice she had 0:12:08.960 --> 0:12:13.320 the freedom to make, to move forward or reject. But 0:12:13.400 --> 0:12:16.280 each choice was also interwoven with the lessons Victor taught, 0:12:16.760 --> 0:12:20.080 and he taught about choice often. He liked to use 0:12:20.080 --> 0:12:22.679 a story from the Bible about a woman named Ruth. 0:12:23.040 --> 0:12:25.640 From the Book of Ruth, which is in the Old Testament. 0:12:26.600 --> 0:12:28.840 The part Victor liked best was when Ruth is a 0:12:28.880 --> 0:12:31.840 young woman. She's struggling to survive after the death of 0:12:31.840 --> 0:12:34.400 her husband. So one night she goes to the home 0:12:34.400 --> 0:12:37.680 of a rich man named Boaz. While Boas sleeps, she 0:12:37.760 --> 0:12:39.400 lies at the foot of his bed and takes the 0:12:39.400 --> 0:12:43.080 blanket off his feet. When he wakes up, Boaz picks 0:12:43.120 --> 0:12:46.720 up this blanket and covers Ruth with it. Victor explained, 0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:49.160 covering her meant Boaz was agreeing to take her as 0:12:49.200 --> 0:12:53.600 a wife, but also covering her spiritually, leading her, taking 0:12:53.600 --> 0:12:54.079 care of her. 0:12:54.920 --> 0:12:59.040 And then she ended up sleeping with him and then 0:12:59.080 --> 0:13:01.120 having a son who on to be in the line 0:13:01.160 --> 0:13:07.000 of Jesus Christ. So there were these teachings of you know, 0:13:07.040 --> 0:13:11.959 this damsel asking this godly man to cover her. 0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:18.640 In this story, Ruth took the initiative. She asked Boaz 0:13:18.720 --> 0:13:21.320 to cover her. She made the choice. 0:13:21.640 --> 0:13:25.560 He talked about how Ruth came softly to Boas, how 0:13:26.080 --> 0:13:28.800 she claved to Boas, and when you cleave to someone, 0:13:28.920 --> 0:13:32.920 it means to join yourself. He talked about how Ruth 0:13:33.000 --> 0:13:36.640 always stayed under subjection to Boaz, that Boaz was a 0:13:36.679 --> 0:13:40.320 man of God, that she was faithful to him, and 0:13:40.360 --> 0:13:43.200 that Ruth is a great example to the woman in 0:13:43.280 --> 0:13:47.760 not being anxious and being patient. He said, Ruth is 0:13:47.920 --> 0:13:51.520 very diligent and obedient from this time on. She lives 0:13:51.559 --> 0:13:53.920 in a subjection. She lives in the fear of God, 0:13:54.040 --> 0:13:56.320 and that he said that Jesus Christ is looking for 0:13:56.400 --> 0:13:56.920 a virgin. 0:14:07.320 --> 0:14:09.720 Lindsay wrote notes about all of this in a notebook, 0:14:10.200 --> 0:14:14.040 diligently quoting Victor so she wouldn't forget. At thirteen. Some 0:14:14.080 --> 0:14:17.160 of it went over her head, but some parts nestled 0:14:17.200 --> 0:14:20.960 deep inside her. The Song of Solomon preached during Victor's 0:14:21.000 --> 0:14:26.000 Summer of Love Ruth and Boaz. Victor's selected teachings seemed 0:14:26.000 --> 0:14:30.480 to have one dominant theme, romantic love between a man 0:14:30.520 --> 0:14:32.760 and a woman. Where the man is a stand in 0:14:32.880 --> 0:14:37.240 for God. She took this teaching with her as she 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:49.080 moved to the shepherd's camp. One day early in the summer, 0:14:49.400 --> 0:14:52.840 Lindsay's parents dropped her off. Two people were there to 0:14:52.880 --> 0:14:56.800 greet her, one of the maidens and a woman named Jan. 0:14:57.800 --> 0:15:00.920 Jan was Victor's right hand who visited Lindsay's home in Pennsylvania. 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:03.840 When they first met, the one with a hard looking face, 0:15:05.080 --> 0:15:05.400 I was a. 0:15:05.360 --> 0:15:08.720 Little standoffish, just because of the authority. You know, she 0:15:08.880 --> 0:15:13.360 was in charge. She had been Victor's assistant all those years. 0:15:14.080 --> 0:15:16.880 At this point, Lindsay only knew Jan peripherally from playing 0:15:16.880 --> 0:15:20.120 with Jan's daughter or seeing her at meetings. But now 0:15:20.240 --> 0:15:22.160 Jan would take on a new role in her life, 0:15:22.600 --> 0:15:23.840 a role to all the maidens. 0:15:24.560 --> 0:15:28.160 I would say she was almost placed as like the mother, 0:15:28.920 --> 0:15:30.160 the mother over all of us. 0:15:30.680 --> 0:15:33.520 If they needed something like clothes or health products, they 0:15:33.520 --> 0:15:34.640 were told they could go to her. 0:15:35.360 --> 0:15:37.520 I don't think I really opened up to her very much. 0:15:37.560 --> 0:15:40.720 She always seemed a little scary to me, really, not 0:15:40.880 --> 0:15:44.960 a warm and fuzzy person. Is almost like a pioneer woman, 0:15:45.040 --> 0:15:46.640 you know, just that hardness to her. 0:15:47.600 --> 0:15:49.520 Jan would start to have a lot of control over 0:15:49.600 --> 0:15:53.600 Lindsay's life. She and the church elders designed the maiden schedules, 0:15:53.680 --> 0:15:57.280 assigned duties, and shaped their day to day. So on 0:15:57.320 --> 0:16:00.280 the day of Linday's arrival, Jan took Linday's parents to 0:16:00.280 --> 0:16:03.080 talk with Victor while one of the maidens brought Lindsay 0:16:03.080 --> 0:16:06.480 to the Fourplex to unpack. The four Plex was a 0:16:06.560 --> 0:16:09.960 large building with several apartment like units. Lindsay would live 0:16:10.000 --> 0:16:14.320 there with the nine other maidens. Eventually the Fourplex became 0:16:14.360 --> 0:16:19.680 known as Alamoth. Alamoth means maidens, and Hebrew, the maidens 0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:28.240 themselves were called Alamoth too. In the beginning, life as 0:16:28.240 --> 0:16:30.880 a maiden seemed to meet Linda's summer camp expectations. 0:16:32.640 --> 0:16:38.000 I remember the first week, we had this huge almost 0:16:38.080 --> 0:16:40.440 like a flatbed trailer, like a really big one that 0:16:40.480 --> 0:16:42.960 you could stack hay on or whatever. We put that 0:16:43.040 --> 0:16:46.080 out in the field and loaded up with blankets and 0:16:46.160 --> 0:16:48.720 we all slept out under the stars there with Victor. 0:16:51.560 --> 0:16:55.800 Mosquitoes were really bad, but then like you could just hear, 0:16:56.000 --> 0:17:00.120 you know, like the wind wrestling people giggling. The sky 0:17:00.160 --> 0:17:03.000 were so clear. I was just like wow, like sleeping 0:17:03.000 --> 0:17:08.240 on other stars. You know, my friends are here. This 0:17:08.359 --> 0:17:13.640 is great. There were loons that lived on the lake 0:17:14.480 --> 0:17:18.000 in the morning, like we hear the loons, it's like 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:31.639 anyone just echo off the lake. What a beautiful sound 0:17:32.280 --> 0:17:35.760 that became like our bird. The maidens, it seemed like 0:17:35.800 --> 0:17:39.760 wherever we went there were loons there. The loons were 0:17:40.000 --> 0:17:42.879 like the maidens thing with Victor. It was just something 0:17:42.880 --> 0:17:45.480 that always reminded us of him and us. 0:17:53.640 --> 0:17:56.640 At the Shepherd's camp, Lindsay and the nine other maidens 0:17:56.680 --> 0:17:59.439 got to work. Their days were full of chores and 0:17:59.520 --> 0:18:02.639 anything to keep the camp running. They made food in 0:18:02.680 --> 0:18:06.600 the dining hall, gardened and cleaned. As always, hard work 0:18:06.680 --> 0:18:10.800 was expected, but gradually a starker line was drawn between 0:18:10.840 --> 0:18:15.200 the outside world and Victor and his maidens. A few 0:18:15.240 --> 0:18:18.359 weeks in, Victor started talking about the role of women 0:18:18.400 --> 0:18:21.320 in the community. It started one day in the dining 0:18:21.359 --> 0:18:25.120 hall when a ups man dropped something off. Jess, Lindsay's 0:18:25.119 --> 0:18:28.000 friend with red hair, and another maiden turned their heads 0:18:28.000 --> 0:18:30.840 to see who was there. Victor did not like this. 0:18:31.880 --> 0:18:34.760 He said their eyes were for Christ. They shouldn't concern 0:18:34.800 --> 0:18:38.280 themselves with the outside world. From that moment, don he said, 0:18:38.600 --> 0:18:40.359 they were not allowed to look a man in the 0:18:40.400 --> 0:18:44.560 eyes other than Victor. He called it dove's eyes, a 0:18:44.600 --> 0:18:46.160 reference from the Song of Solomon. 0:18:46.760 --> 0:18:49.679 So literally, if you were a man, I would have 0:18:49.720 --> 0:18:51.840 to be talking like this to you the whole time. 0:18:52.160 --> 0:18:53.040 Oh my gosh. 0:18:53.119 --> 0:18:55.920 Yeah, I mean you're it's like you have to you're 0:18:55.960 --> 0:18:58.159 talking to me, but you have to keep your eyes 0:19:00.280 --> 0:19:03.199 down a little to the side, to the side and 0:19:03.240 --> 0:19:05.400 down so that you're not actually looking at the man. 0:19:06.040 --> 0:19:10.120 Yep, and we should only look at Victor in the eyes. 0:19:11.160 --> 0:19:14.000 How did you react to that? I thought it was 0:19:14.080 --> 0:19:19.399 so weird. I felt so awkward, and I mean I 0:19:19.720 --> 0:19:22.080 was going through my awkward phase. I hadn't gotten my 0:19:22.119 --> 0:19:24.439 period yet, so I hadn't even gone through like hormones, 0:19:24.440 --> 0:19:27.880 but I, you know, was starting to develop little buds there, 0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:33.879 little breasts, probably my hormones were starting to take off. 0:19:34.440 --> 0:19:37.560 And I was just in that awkward teenager stage, you know, 0:19:37.760 --> 0:19:43.200 like thirteen, probably tripping all the time and very like 0:19:43.880 --> 0:19:46.399 I was very outgoing as like a younger person. But 0:19:46.440 --> 0:19:49.679 then I just kind of got gangly and I don't know, 0:19:51.440 --> 0:19:56.399 just awkward, and so I felt so awkward even more. 0:19:56.600 --> 0:19:59.639 I was like what how I'm like, I'm looking at 0:19:59.640 --> 0:20:01.720 the ground as I'm talking to this person, like that 0:20:01.960 --> 0:20:05.399 makes me feel so weird, you know, almost like so 0:20:05.640 --> 0:20:08.359 self conscious, like, oh my gosh, if I lift my 0:20:08.400 --> 0:20:10.439 head up a little, am I going to get in trouble? 0:20:11.520 --> 0:20:13.680 If I accidentally look at this person in the eyes? 0:20:13.720 --> 0:20:15.359 Am I going to get in trouble? You know? Is 0:20:16.040 --> 0:20:18.720 Victor going to see me and he's gonna like yell 0:20:18.760 --> 0:20:23.800 at me. Yeah. It was a very uncomfortable and awkward. 0:20:24.880 --> 0:20:26.600 It's like enforced awkwardness. 0:20:28.520 --> 0:20:30.840 Yeah. He also did something pretty early on to where 0:20:31.760 --> 0:20:35.040 if the maidens were singing to the church or even 0:20:35.080 --> 0:20:38.359 to just like the people at the dining hall, instead 0:20:38.400 --> 0:20:40.240 of looking out at them and singing, we had to 0:20:40.280 --> 0:20:42.680 sit in a half circle and look at each other 0:20:42.720 --> 0:20:45.199 and sing. Even though we were singing to them, we 0:20:45.200 --> 0:20:48.320 were not allowed to look at the people we were 0:20:48.320 --> 0:20:48.760 singing to. 0:20:50.200 --> 0:20:56.399 It's really just constantly enforcing this insolarty where your world 0:20:56.440 --> 0:20:58.360 is getting smaller and smaller and smaller. 0:20:59.000 --> 0:21:04.720 Yeah. I got really shy during that time. I was 0:21:04.760 --> 0:21:08.320 a very outgoing kid, loved to perform, made people laugh. 0:21:09.720 --> 0:21:13.960 I remember getting very very shy during that time. I 0:21:14.000 --> 0:21:17.439 remember he was calling me miss Mouseie because I was 0:21:17.520 --> 0:21:25.080 just so quiet I felt like I had to watch 0:21:25.119 --> 0:21:25.800 my every move. 0:21:27.800 --> 0:21:30.679 Lindsey remembers one time she and one of the older 0:21:30.720 --> 0:21:34.280 maidens went to the lodge. The lodge was where Victor 0:21:34.320 --> 0:21:36.679 lived ever since he took off his wedding ring and 0:21:36.720 --> 0:21:40.320 moved away from his wife and sons. The maidens were 0:21:40.320 --> 0:21:43.560 set up to be Victor's caretakers now, and that meant 0:21:43.640 --> 0:21:45.120 more intimate responsibilities. 0:21:46.160 --> 0:21:49.240 And we went to rub Victor's feet, and so we 0:21:49.320 --> 0:21:51.920 went back into his bedroom and he was sitting there 0:21:51.960 --> 0:21:55.720 and we were rubbing his feet, and I was being 0:21:55.840 --> 0:22:01.359 so shy, so quiet. Oh, I just didn't know how 0:22:01.400 --> 0:22:05.280 to act around him. He made me really nervous. And 0:22:06.680 --> 0:22:09.679 you know, I saw some of the other maidens really 0:22:09.800 --> 0:22:13.280 show him care, and you know, you could just tell 0:22:13.320 --> 0:22:17.040 they really loved him and wanted to help him. 0:22:18.880 --> 0:22:22.159 While Lindsay and the other maiden rubbed his feet, Victor 0:22:22.240 --> 0:22:24.840 told them a Bible story with a moral about showing 0:22:24.880 --> 0:22:29.440 your fervor and faith. He was clearly pointing at Lindsay's shyness. 0:22:30.280 --> 0:22:34.520 Lindsay often felt confused during conversations like this. They challenged 0:22:34.520 --> 0:22:38.160 her instinct, and her instinct now was to crawl inside herself. 0:22:39.320 --> 0:22:43.480 She waited and watched, afraid to be called on who 0:22:43.520 --> 0:22:47.479 was she meant to be? Now? The expectations felt heavy, 0:22:47.680 --> 0:22:56.920 yet fuzzy. Summer was coming to an end. They were 0:22:56.920 --> 0:22:59.879 coming up on the Feast of Tabernacles, the big celebration 0:23:00.119 --> 0:23:03.440 of the season's harvest. When one day Lindsay was gardening 0:23:03.480 --> 0:23:04.080 with jan. 0:23:05.160 --> 0:23:08.560 I remember she had those knee pads you could wear 0:23:08.840 --> 0:23:14.440 that she was sitting on, like around the flowers or perennials. 0:23:14.960 --> 0:23:17.399 I was just sitting there on my knees next to her, 0:23:17.440 --> 0:23:22.040 you know, just digging around, just talking, and then boom. 0:23:23.480 --> 0:23:25.560 I was talking about the visa Tabernacles coming up, and 0:23:25.600 --> 0:23:28.080 I was like, oh, yeah, I'm really excited, you know, 0:23:28.119 --> 0:23:30.879 to see my parents and you know, go home and 0:23:30.920 --> 0:23:34.719 start school again. And she was like, oh, like no, Lindsay, 0:23:34.840 --> 0:23:39.800 like you're here to stay. You're a maiden now you're 0:23:39.920 --> 0:23:43.320 going to be staying here. And I was like wait what. 0:23:45.520 --> 0:23:48.240 She's like, yeah, like your mom will send over all 0:23:48.280 --> 0:23:54.000 your winter clothes and anything you'll need. You committed your life. 0:23:54.119 --> 0:23:58.560 You're staying with the maidens. And I was like what, Like, 0:23:58.600 --> 0:24:03.919 I'm not going home. I was like wait, like what 0:24:04.119 --> 0:24:07.119 did I agree to? Because I don't ever remember making 0:24:07.400 --> 0:24:11.359 a commitment like this. But I also know that I 0:24:11.440 --> 0:24:16.080 felt too maybe scared to speak up and question it 0:24:16.240 --> 0:24:20.040 or ask anyone about it. I did not know that 0:24:20.119 --> 0:24:23.080 it was for life. That was a shock. 0:24:24.400 --> 0:24:29.560 Lindsay felt this immense sadness inside. But Lindsay just kept 0:24:29.560 --> 0:24:31.080 digging on her knees next to Jan. 0:24:34.440 --> 0:24:36.679 It was almost felt like it was too late, like 0:24:37.600 --> 0:24:42.280 I couldn't I felt trapped. I couldn't do anything about it, 0:24:42.320 --> 0:25:04.920 you know, like this was my life. I remember being 0:25:04.960 --> 0:25:10.119 like a cool night. It was dark out, and Victor 0:25:10.160 --> 0:25:12.439 called me up to the lodge that's where he lived. 0:25:13.640 --> 0:25:17.000 I walked in and I was still so nervous to 0:25:17.080 --> 0:25:20.879 be I guess around him by myself. I just felt 0:25:21.000 --> 0:25:26.919 very awkward, not really sure how to act. And I 0:25:26.960 --> 0:25:29.359 sat down on this He had a leather couch there 0:25:29.840 --> 0:25:32.679 that faced a fireplace and the fire was going, and 0:25:32.720 --> 0:25:41.360 then he sat in a chair. He asked how I 0:25:41.480 --> 0:25:43.919 liked being here, you know, and I said it was 0:25:44.000 --> 0:25:47.160 going fine, and you know, it was like small talk. 0:25:49.560 --> 0:25:54.200 And then he asked me if I had ever masturbated before, 0:25:57.040 --> 0:26:00.639 and I had no idea what that we was even meant. 0:26:01.080 --> 0:26:04.480 My mom had never had these kinds of talks with me. 0:26:05.840 --> 0:26:11.760 I was only thirteen and pretty sheltered from a lot 0:26:11.760 --> 0:26:16.800 of things, and he did not believe me. And I 0:26:16.800 --> 0:26:19.679 remember I kept telling him like, I don't know what 0:26:19.680 --> 0:26:22.000 it means, I'm telling you the truth, and he kept 0:26:22.000 --> 0:26:35.639 thinking I was lying. He got really really mad at me. 0:26:37.080 --> 0:26:39.359 You know, I had seen Victor get really mad at people, 0:26:39.960 --> 0:26:43.680 spit in their faces and yell at them at meal times, 0:26:44.040 --> 0:26:48.240 but it had never happened to me yet. And seeing 0:26:48.280 --> 0:26:52.800 his rage like that, I didn't want to make him mad, 0:26:53.600 --> 0:26:59.800 and I didn't know how to fix it. He slapped 0:26:59.800 --> 0:27:03.160 me across the face and yelled at me to get 0:27:03.200 --> 0:27:10.080 out of the lodge. I was sitting on the couch, 0:27:10.200 --> 0:27:13.440 that leather couch. When I got up to even run out, 0:27:13.480 --> 0:27:16.160