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Speaker 1: Breaking news, guys. I Erica Nicole Dickerson. I'm in a

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Speaker 1: relationship again with the same.

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Speaker 2: Person for the fourth time as we're obsessed.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm back in my relationship. We're working it out.

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Speaker 1: I thought I wanted to be in the streets, but

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Speaker 1: then I said, no, I don't want to be Take

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Speaker 1: me back, please, I don't want to go back to

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Speaker 1: the streets. I don't want to be in the streets.

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Speaker 1: The streets are not the streets are not good. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to be there. Welcome back to good Mom's

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Speaker 1: bad choices. I'm Erica, and I'm Miila. Happy Wednesday, y'all.

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Speaker 2: Happy hump Day tribe.

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Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us again and again and again and

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Speaker 1: again and again and again and again.

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Speaker 2: I think around episode like two hundred and seventy six

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Speaker 2: or something like that.

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Speaker 1: I know, I know, I'm really proud of us.

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Speaker 2: That's crazy because.

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Speaker 1: I don't I know, like I have a podcast, but

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Speaker 1: I don't like to talk that much. I think I

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Speaker 1: only talk here and then I'm silent.

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Speaker 2: I think you talked.

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Speaker 1: Anyone wants to talk to me. I get really irritated

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Speaker 1: with I'm like, do you know how much I just

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Speaker 1: fucking talked today one hour straight.

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Speaker 2: Most people were talking that much just because so consider

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Speaker 2: yourself lucky you have you're talking with the purpose most

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Speaker 2: of the time.

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Speaker 1: One of the comments we went to go look on

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Speaker 1: every now and then we read your comments.

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Speaker 2: Guys.

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Speaker 1: For the most part, our comments or are sorry, our

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Speaker 1: reviews are really positive. However, I did notice a bit

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Speaker 1: in the in the reviews said that we ramble, and

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Speaker 1: that might be true. You might have listened to a

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Speaker 1: rambling ass episode. I feel like we, for the most part,

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Speaker 1: we have a good structure happening these days, but in

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Speaker 1: the early days there's a lot of rambling.

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Speaker 2: Probably I figured that she's just not familiar with the show,

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Speaker 2: because this is the part where we it's not even rambling.

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Speaker 2: We're just saying, hey, what's up. That's how you start

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Speaker 2: a phone call. You don't just jump into the topic.

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Speaker 2: You get there. She's like, teach me, show me this great.

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Speaker 2: She's used to some very highly designed podcasts.

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Speaker 1: Well, there are some podcasts that are very structured, and

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Speaker 1: they are great. Those are great, Those are great for

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Speaker 1: certain people, are even great for me. I enjoy those two.

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Speaker 1: I feel like she must have been a Capricorn or something. Listening,

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Speaker 1: she was expecting structure off the bat.

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Speaker 2: I feel like I expect that in real life conversations structure.

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Speaker 2: I just want you to get to the point quickly. Oh,

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Speaker 2: I realize I have no patience for like too much talking,

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Speaker 2: probably because I'm talking myself so often. But I realized that, like,

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Speaker 2: if people are drawing out his story, it ear ritates me,

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Speaker 2: like irritates me. And I was like, if you need

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Speaker 2: to have more patience in your life, and like someone

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Speaker 2: just I was somewhere and they're telling a very drawn

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Speaker 2: out story, and I was just like, please get to

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Speaker 2: the point. And I looked around at everyone else and

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Speaker 2: they seem very patient, you know. And I was like,

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Speaker 2: I'm a bitch.

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Speaker 1: You know sometimes, you know, and it annoys me when

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Speaker 1: I'm like, bitch, can you read the room? Like read

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Speaker 1: the room?

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Speaker 2: People can't read the room?

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Speaker 1: Read I sometimes like can they not read the room

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Speaker 1: or did they just actively choose not to read the room?

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Speaker 2: I wish I was the type of person who couldn't

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Speaker 2: read the room.

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Speaker 1: I do too. I read the room, I know, I know,

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Speaker 1: I really Actually I am envious of that bitch that

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Speaker 1: told the drawn out story because the moment I feel

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Speaker 1: like my story is too long, I start stuttering and

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Speaker 1: then I'll just like end it.

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Speaker 2: It was like a lot of people too, so it

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Speaker 2: wasn't like there was a heavy energy. And I looked

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Speaker 2: around to be like, am I the only one who

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Speaker 2: feels like this is could have gotten a little bit

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Speaker 2: to the point quicker. And then I just realized, like

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Speaker 2: I just don't give myself enough like grace with time

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Speaker 2: because I don't have a lot of time because I'm

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Speaker 2: always in like work rush mode, and so everything in

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Speaker 2: my life also has to be under that time constraint,

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Speaker 2: including other people talking.

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Speaker 1: Know me, and people talking too much. I will zone

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Speaker 1: the fuck out fast, and it's not good. It's actually

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Speaker 1: like become a problem in my life because sometimes people

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Speaker 1: are saying important shit and they might say like two

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Speaker 1: words that I'm like mm mmm, and then it's like click,

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Speaker 1: turn off. Then I missed the whole point of the

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Speaker 1: whole conversation that was really important. I'm trying to retrain

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Speaker 1: my brain. I think that, like I have, I struggle

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Speaker 1: with active listening.

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Speaker 2: I struggle with active listening. So I try and then

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Speaker 2: I'll go out and I'll come back in, and why

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Speaker 2: are we going to.

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Speaker 1: Be interviewers that struggle with active listening.

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Speaker 2: I really focus when we were interviewing people because I

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Speaker 2: don't want to look dumb. But sometimes I'm like, I

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Speaker 2: hope she's listening because I fucking miss that whole thing.

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Speaker 2: And sometimes people when like I Luna telling me stories,

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Speaker 2: I'm like, fuck, would she say I saw this episode

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Speaker 2: of Blackish? And they were and they did that. The

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Speaker 2: mom kept missing the important thing that the daughter was

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Speaker 2: telling her, and I was like, what a bit, And

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Speaker 2: then I started doing it. I was like, oh no, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I struggle for sure.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm starting to catch on to my

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Speaker 1: really bad memory. She's really She's like, Mom, we talked

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Speaker 1: to this yesterday. Mom, you met her? You met that

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Speaker 1: person's mom. Like, I don't remember any of the mom's names,

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Speaker 1: and she's like, you've met her, and I'm like, I

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Speaker 1: don't think I have. She's like, you have liked God,

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Speaker 1: she's gonna know I smoked weed too, you.

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Speaker 2: So one days I'm gonna tell her, like, you know,

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Speaker 2: your mom doesn't remember shit because she's smoking weed. That

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Speaker 2: was another one of our comments. One of our reviews

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Speaker 2: was that was only one of like three bad reviews.

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Speaker 2: It's the Black Girl Fry from four years ago. I

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Speaker 2: told this guy at the bar, that's my favorite one.

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Speaker 2: It's my favorite one. And then there's uh, we ramble,

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Speaker 2: and then there's the third one is that we're promoting

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Speaker 2: bad parenting because all we do is get high, and

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Speaker 2: we're not promoting getting high. We just said it works

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Speaker 2: for us.

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Speaker 1: I'm getting high right now, are you about? I'm currently

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Speaker 1: getting smoking my little backwood. Is that the vanilla This

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Speaker 1: is the vanilla baby. That's only when I smoked with

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Speaker 1: for these days. I was on the honey for a minute,

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Speaker 1: but now I'm straight vanilla baby, and my backwoods. Rolling

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Speaker 1: skills are different. I don't know. You rolled them like

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Speaker 1: this way, right, that's how you roll them?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I am not my backwards rolling it's different.

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Speaker 1: It is because, like I had to figure out this shit, okay,

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Speaker 1: because I started smoking backwards because I liked them, But

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Speaker 1: then I couldn't roll them, so then I felt very slow,

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Speaker 1: and so I just had to figure out my own

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Speaker 1: special way. I don't know, what are you doing different? Well,

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Speaker 1: when Stephanie showed us how to roll it backwood at

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Speaker 1: our retreat, she rolled it this way like she was.

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Speaker 2: Rolling it she's rolling it the way you unraveled it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I roll it like a joint like this way.

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Speaker 2: Oh okay, I kind of see. Yeah, there's different ways.

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Speaker 1: I feel like people are like backwood rolling elitists. There

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Speaker 1: are Oh you didn't roll it the right way. I'm like, bitch,

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Speaker 1: who made you the backwood expert? Ho? So this is

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Speaker 1: how I rolled my joints. This is how this backwards

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Speaker 1: getting rolled.

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Speaker 2: Bitch.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so that's what's happening here.

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Speaker 2: Okay, Well how are you? How are you?

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Speaker 1: I'm good? I actually I think I am fucking sad.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna have to rip this little piece off boom.

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Speaker 1: I'm good, I'm great, I'm tam I have braids in you.

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Speaker 2: Guys, we both have braids. You know when two bitches

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Speaker 2: have the same productive style, Know what that means. We're

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Speaker 2: on our way to the good Vibeer tree. We both

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Speaker 2: have braids, so it means we're in retreat healer mode.

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Speaker 2: We're leaving in less than forty eight hours to go

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Speaker 2: host our first good vibe or tree in sightly to Mexico.

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Speaker 2: You're still roaming for the second trip. If you're a

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Speaker 2: last minute bitch, now is the time to book the

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Speaker 2: second week. First week sold out. But if you are

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Speaker 2: listening to this and it's before July twelfth, pull up bonus.

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Speaker 1: Use pull up bomb, and use code Meditate for five

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Speaker 1: hundred dollars.

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Speaker 2: Off, you deserve a vacation. I know, I really, I'm

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Speaker 2: really looking forward to.

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Speaker 1: This me too. I can't fucking wait. This is just

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Speaker 1: a whole new vibe. We've never taken the girls to Mexico,

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Speaker 1: and there's just different offerings too. I'm really excited about

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Speaker 1: the to Mescal Sweat Lodge experience, the Clay Beach experience,

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Speaker 1: just the food, the culture, the property is so fucking beautiful.

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Speaker 1: It's just a different vibe. Like we're on the ocean,

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Speaker 1: Like every room is ocean front. We're in Costa Rica,

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Speaker 1: we're near we're near the ocean, but we're really like

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Speaker 1: tucked away in the jungle. So I just feel like

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Speaker 1: some magical shit is gonna happen, and I just can't wait.

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Speaker 2: Every single retreat, magical shit happens. And I recently came

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Speaker 2: back from a retreat for my Tantra certification that I

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Speaker 2: will be done with in six months, God willing.

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Speaker 1: My God, I'm gonna start in six months again. I

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Speaker 1: can't believe they did that to me.

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Speaker 2: I think I thought you kind have pushed it to

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Speaker 2: the medal. I'm happy.

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Speaker 1: I was too stressful.

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Speaker 2: I'm stressed, right, I couldn't have done Can you tell

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Speaker 2: I'm stressed?

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Speaker 1: Right? I couldn't have done it. I was like, I

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Speaker 1: will wait.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm you know. I thought like maybe God made

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Speaker 2: us do something separately because I went to the retreat

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Speaker 2: the first time. I've been nervous about it for months.

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Speaker 2: But then I went to retreat and there was forty

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Speaker 2: people that I only saw on zoom like six times

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Speaker 2: this year, maybe twelve on zoom. But I was just like,

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Speaker 2: how am I? How am I nervous about something that

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Speaker 2: I ask people to do? Come to a foreign country

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Speaker 2: by yourself, You'll make friends, don't worry.

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Speaker 1: It's totally fine. Don't be a pussy.

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Speaker 2: But then it was totally fine. And it's like literally

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Speaker 2: every time any I think any type of retreat, when

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Speaker 2: people come with like open minds and open hearts, beautiful

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Speaker 2: things happen when you make when you create that container.

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Speaker 2: Because I definitely had about your new favorite word container.

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Speaker 1: You've been saying it a lot lately.

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Speaker 2: Maybe I'm talking about the containers I've been in.

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Speaker 1: Is it like a tantra word that they said a

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Speaker 1: lot at the retreat?

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Speaker 3: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: It has to be, because it is the bit you've

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Speaker 1: been using that I've heard your lease say it ten times.

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Speaker 1: Maybe I'm talking about my retreat, Okay, But I just

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Speaker 1: never heard you say this word ever in our five years,

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Speaker 1: seven year friendship. They just they just even noticed that

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Speaker 1: she's been saying container a lot to you.

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Speaker 2: Did She's known you five years and they think you

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Speaker 2: can't pull out in new vocabulary.

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Speaker 1: You never said you in my life, I've never heard

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Speaker 1: you say this word, and you've said it at least

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Speaker 1: seven times to me. And I'm like, okay, maybe because

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Speaker 1: you asked that maybe my tanger retreat and I was

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Speaker 1: expressing to you what a beautiful container it was.

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Speaker 2: Because that is a word that I'm using correctly.

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Speaker 1: I'm not using it correctly. I'm just acknowledging. I'm just

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Speaker 1: purely pointing out that you've learned a new vocabulary and

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Speaker 1: it just can't stop using it.

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Speaker 2: Containers not a new word. So I think you are

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Speaker 2: just putting me in a box. You won't let me

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Speaker 2: expand out of or my vocabulary. How dare you?

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Speaker 1: How dare you learn another word without me? How when

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Speaker 1: on one retreat you learn new words?

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Speaker 2: You know what else I've been saying? I thought, you

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Speaker 2: know word?

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Speaker 1: I haven't I used what I'm I cappy with that word.

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Speaker 2: You know what other word I've been using a lot?

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Speaker 2: In gorge?

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Speaker 1: Please don't use that word. That's not like a cute word.

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Speaker 2: You don't even know how I used it. I didn't

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Speaker 2: tell you the sentence, will go ahead? What the fuck

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Speaker 2: is your problem? You can't put your yone egg in

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Speaker 2: until you're becoming gorged? You know it. First of all,

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Speaker 2: there's nothing ill about being gorged.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to hear about my puss. I never

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Speaker 1: want the word my vagina and in gorged to be

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Speaker 1: in one sentence together.

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Speaker 2: Okay, Well, you find a new word for your vulva

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Speaker 2: being filled with blood fluffed erect, the clitoris becomes erect.

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Speaker 1: I know that's also a term that they say, and

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Speaker 1: that's true. But I feel like we can we can

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Speaker 1: find better words.

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Speaker 2: Anyway, left, I had a great time at my retreat,

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Speaker 2: A lot of people that I probably would have never

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Speaker 2: met otherwise.

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Speaker 1: I should do this.

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Speaker 2: Oh, now, my phone's dying. You think we should cut

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Speaker 2: it off. Now we're going live on Instagram while we're

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Speaker 2: recording this episode. We're trying new things. Honey up that

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Speaker 2: blunt honey up, look beautiful.

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Speaker 1: It is, look right. Besides the end, I rolled it

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Speaker 1: like a joint and like all you blackwoods elitists can

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Speaker 1: kiss my ask. It's just how I roll my backwards. Now,

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Speaker 1: you don't have to put your whole fucking mouth over

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Speaker 1: the blank, because that would be that actually would irritate

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Speaker 1: the funk.

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Speaker 2: People who usually rolled would do so much.

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Speaker 1: It's they put the whole. They like this. It's kind

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Speaker 1: of how much a whole they like suck it like

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Speaker 1: a little dick. It's erotic, and they put their whole

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Speaker 1: fucking mouth on it and have the audacity then pass

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Speaker 1: it to me. I'm like, obviously did this to you,

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Speaker 1: and I've seen it done by like a lot of rappers.

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Speaker 2: As soon as you said that, I just saw a

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Speaker 2: lot of like it's very spitty backward many times in

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Speaker 2: my in my life like that. You don't overdo it.

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Speaker 2: If you do too much, that's not it's perfect. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: new couch, it's not the couch, is it. It's gonna

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Speaker 2: it's gonna be hard to to like if it's too.

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Speaker 1: No, no, no, it's perfect, it's perfect.

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Speaker 2: Just hair. It's really getting on my nurse this morning.

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Speaker 2: Ill we word add. I'm like, ell, that's anyway. No,

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Speaker 2: that's perfect, I'm perfect.

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Speaker 1: Fuck is rough? Don't be in on my confidence today.

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Speaker 1: Yesterday I was spiraling on the stories. So today I

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Speaker 1: feel better?

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Speaker 2: Are you spiraling?

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Speaker 1: I just woke up and I was like, I felt depressed.

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Speaker 1: I was like, I told you that yesterday. I was like,

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Speaker 1: am I active? Am I?

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Speaker 2: Like?

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Speaker 1: What did I say? Am I high? Active? Depressed? I know,

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Speaker 1: highly functioning, highly functioning depressed person. I was like, cause,

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Speaker 1: I'm getting shit done, but I'm sad the whole time.

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Speaker 1: Or I'm just like I'm tired. I took a nap

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Speaker 1: where you were at my house the other day? When

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Speaker 1: do I take naps?

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Speaker 2: Right, we've been traveling.

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Speaker 1: I never take naps. I was napped, and then I

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Speaker 1: don't have my computer broke. I have been without a

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Speaker 1: computer for damn near month.

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Speaker 2: Ab though I'm taking a nap, I feel.

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Speaker 1: Handicapped without my computer, and so it's I think it's

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Speaker 1: actually making me sad.

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Speaker 2: And probably making your mind rest like it's intended.

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Speaker 1: No, because we have shit to do and I can't

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Speaker 1: do it for my phone, and my phone gives me anxiety.

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Speaker 1: So therefore my computer is usually like the thing that

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Speaker 1: helps me get off my phone that I can get

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Speaker 1: shit done more effectively, and so now have to be

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Speaker 1: I was supposed to send an email like three days ago,

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Speaker 1: and I just can't because I have to do it

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Speaker 1: for my phone and it's kind of an It's an

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Speaker 1: intense email that requires links and things, and I've just

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Speaker 1: been avoiding it.

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Speaker 2: I guess these are Lando's computer because my computer is

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Speaker 2: now not going to get there for the girls get there,

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Speaker 2: and I need to study anyway.

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Speaker 1: So when I was spiraling, I decided to go outside

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Speaker 1: and go for a run because I've also been in

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Speaker 1: my overeating phase. I don't know about anyone else. I

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Speaker 1: don't know if this is like a trigger moment, trigger advisory,

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Speaker 1: but I talk about this in the book too, Like

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Speaker 1: I've always struggled with like good eating habits, and sometimes

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Speaker 1: like when I'm either when I'm depressed, I won't eat

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Speaker 1: it all, or I overeat, like excessively overeat, like to

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Speaker 1: the point where I feel sick and I've been noticing

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Speaker 1: that I've been doing that lately, like late night, where

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Speaker 1: I've just been eating lots of ice cream late at

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Speaker 1: night and then eating like three tortillas with butter, and

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Speaker 1: then I know it's gross.

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Speaker 2: Three like just tortillas was butter, and by itself, it's

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Speaker 2: just not.

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Speaker 1: Da calls it the.

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Speaker 2: Mexican pinion butter and jelly.

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Speaker 1: But that's because my grandma made that for me when

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Speaker 1: I was a kid. She would put the tortilla on

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Speaker 1: the stove. She put some butter, little salt, pepper, maybe

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Speaker 1: some garlic powder. Roll that bitch up and it's fucking delicious.

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Speaker 2: It is sounds like a kid's neck. It's I think, yeah,

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Speaker 2: that is a kid snack for sure.

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Speaker 1: It's so good. But nobody needs to eat three of

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Speaker 1: those and ice cream fucking sandwich. Nobody. So I woke

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Speaker 1: up and I was like, bitch, what's wrong with you?

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Speaker 1: I was like, you need to go move your body.

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Speaker 1: So I went for a run, and I like was

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Speaker 1: had an attitude the whole time I was running, like

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Speaker 1: I don't want to do this shit. And then the

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Speaker 1: moment I got back to my house, I was like, huh,

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Speaker 1: I feel better, and then I put makeup on. I

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Speaker 1: was like, you're fine, like all like, you're fine and

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Speaker 1: and awl, so you're fine. And then I put clothes on.

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Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, they still fit. Thank god.

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Speaker 2: Three tourtias later they still fit.

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Speaker 1: They was a little tight, they were a little tighty

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Speaker 1: shorts are a little tight right now. But and then

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Speaker 1: I said, Okay, today is a new day. You can

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Speaker 1: start over. And that's why today were supposed to bet

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Speaker 1: at ten. And I said, no, I need to go

359
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Speaker 1: run again because I got to like keep the momentum going,

360
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Speaker 1: because I'm not going to fall into this weird cycle

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Speaker 1: of low high functioning depression.

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Speaker 2: That you that you self prescribed self. What is it

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00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:19,920
Speaker 2: self diagnosed? Self diagnosed yourself with Yesterday, Yes.

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Speaker 1: I decided to not engorge myself with tortillas and ice

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Speaker 1: cream and instead be active, beautiful.

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Speaker 2: I'm so happy for you. Anyway, what else has been

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00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,400
Speaker 2: going on? We haven't caught up in quite some time.

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Speaker 2: I feel like it's been a minute since we've been here.

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Speaker 2: I think i've the last four weeks I've been in town.

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Speaker 2: One week I went to we went to Miami, I

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Speaker 2: went to Philadelphia, I went to Mexico and now I'm

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Speaker 2: going to Mexico again, traveling ass bitch. I prayed for this.

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Speaker 2: I guess you could be careful what you pray for.

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Speaker 1: Well, you know what I really I don't like being home.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel you.

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Speaker 1: When I was getting on the plane to go, secretly

377
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:13,679
Speaker 1: surprised my nigga that almost went haywire. I got on,

378
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:16,199
Speaker 1: I got on the plane, I was like, I was

379
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,359
Speaker 1: just out of town like five days ago, like a

380
00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:20,320
Speaker 1: week ago. I went to Orlando with his family or

381
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Speaker 1: whatever the fuck I did, and I was like, why

382
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,639
Speaker 1: am I? Why am I leaving again? Well, because I

383
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:26,920
Speaker 1: miss him and I'm not going to see him for

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Speaker 1: like over probably like a month and a half. But

385
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Speaker 1: b I think it's I just don't like being here.

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00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:35,920
Speaker 1: I really actively like searching flights like that is my hobby. No,

387
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:39,080
Speaker 1: that turns me on. I've been searching for hotels in

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Speaker 1: Europe for three weeks, like gleefully haven't booked one.

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Speaker 2: I'd like to look at stuff too. I really want

390
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:48,320
Speaker 2: to go to Bali. I really want to. Yeah. I

391
00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:50,359
Speaker 2: like to move around, and I like, is really not

392
00:17:50,359 --> 00:17:55,439
Speaker 2: that exciting. It's not an exciting place. It generally has good,

393
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,720
Speaker 2: some good restaurants, mostly sushi, and it's good weather. But

394
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,439
Speaker 2: like other than that, someone was asking me where to go,

395
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:03,760
Speaker 2: and I was like, I don't go out in LA

396
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,359
Speaker 2: unless my friend's having a live show.

397
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Speaker 1: I did start writing things down because I'm tired of people.

398
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:12,320
Speaker 1: Thank you, Orlando. I'm tired of people asking me what

399
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,159
Speaker 1: to do in LA And like, I went to a

400
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,439
Speaker 1: random brunch the other day that I found on Yelp,

401
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,200
Speaker 1: and I was like, this was great. I should write

402
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,520
Speaker 1: this down so people know when they come, like where

403
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:23,120
Speaker 1: I should where I can tell them where to go.

404
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:25,720
Speaker 1: I went to another spot. I was like, I should

405
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:29,240
Speaker 1: write this down because I really don't. I really don't

406
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,840
Speaker 1: go out so every now and then I when I do,

407
00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:34,520
Speaker 1: I just won't forget. Later on, six months later, when

408
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:36,080
Speaker 1: someone asks me what to do.

409
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,040
Speaker 2: People tell me something, and then like one year later,

410
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:39,359
Speaker 2: I text them like, did you say a lot of

411
00:18:39,359 --> 00:18:41,840
Speaker 2: scargo on Thursday? And did? I say? I'm gonna go?

412
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:44,760
Speaker 2: And then I don't because it gets eight o'clock and

413
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:45,880
Speaker 2: I realized, no, I'm not.

414
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh we don't see and I forget because there

415
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:49,840
Speaker 1: is a good night of Latist gargo.

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00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, there is that you tell me about seventeen months

417
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:55,040
Speaker 2: about Tuesdays and it's salsa class. I think it's Tuesday,

418
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:56,800
Speaker 2: Wednesday and Thursday. I don't know, but I literally I

419
00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:00,000
Speaker 2: text in every six months to ask her about it

420
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,480
Speaker 2: and with intentions to go and then never go. And

421
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:06,000
Speaker 2: I'm a just in case anyone wants to know random

422
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:09,720
Speaker 2: fact about Mela. I'm a top notch, exceptionally bomb ass

423
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:14,240
Speaker 2: salsa dancer, every salsa dancing in Mexico because everybody needs

424
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,000
Speaker 2: to see these moves.

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00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,960
Speaker 1: We'll go out and we'll find some sauces.

426
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:20,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, we need to go do some salcea dancing. So yeah,

427
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:27,439
Speaker 2: La is not it, but apparently everywhere else is well.

428
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,320
Speaker 1: I try to sneak away. I did. I snuck away

429
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,080
Speaker 1: to New York. I didn't tell anyone except my friends

430
00:19:32,119 --> 00:19:34,920
Speaker 1: because I'm still in my thirties, terrified of my mother

431
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:36,920
Speaker 1: and didn't want her to know where I was at.

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00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:38,639
Speaker 1: So if you know her, shut the fuck up.

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00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:44,560
Speaker 2: She's good. That's a rap. Too late now and you

434
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,400
Speaker 2: decided to tell them story soon? You know, usually lie

435
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:48,879
Speaker 2: and you tell the story six months later, so it

436
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,639
Speaker 2: seemed to lose it. This is coming out pretty soon, bitch.

437
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:53,960
Speaker 2: I yeah.

438
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,239
Speaker 1: I was just like, you know what, let me go

439
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,240
Speaker 1: pull up on this man real quick. And so I

440
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:58,760
Speaker 1: went over there and.

441
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,480
Speaker 2: Not pull up on this man? Do you want to?

442
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,560
Speaker 2: I think our listeners are confused. I think like some

443
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:04,919
Speaker 2: weeks you say you have a boyfriend, and then some

444
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,320
Speaker 2: weeks she was like, oh yeah, my nigga, and they're

445
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:07,480
Speaker 2: probably like, bitch, should.

446
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,080
Speaker 1: I hard launch again?

447
00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:12,080
Speaker 2: Maybe I just feel some type of like clear like

448
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,240
Speaker 2: transparency to our community. I know every other week Erica

449
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:18,360
Speaker 2: has a new relationship status, but like she's back on.

450
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,280
Speaker 2: So I just wanted to not to preference that because

451
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,520
Speaker 2: I think everyone is in the car like I am bitch,

452
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:25,080
Speaker 2: and I'm.

453
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,920
Speaker 1: Happy because everyone's in the car like A'm bitch.

454
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,040
Speaker 2: And right now they're like, yeah, I'm happy he said

455
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,280
Speaker 2: something bitch, I know, because she's gonna trying to smooth

456
00:20:31,320 --> 00:20:32,320
Speaker 2: clean go around that.

457
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:38,800
Speaker 1: But no, okay, so here goes guys, breaking news. I

458
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:45,920
Speaker 1: am no longer it's cool. Okay, Wow, you really ruining

459
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,880
Speaker 1: my fucking hard lodge with your coughs.

460
00:20:48,119 --> 00:20:49,720
Speaker 2: That's kind of how it happened in real life when

461
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:50,200
Speaker 2: she told me.

462
00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:57,119
Speaker 1: Oh, okay, I'm just we broke up, but not really.

463
00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:01,320
Speaker 2: But she's a friend who keeps breaking them, getting by

464
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:03,280
Speaker 2: it together and keeps re launching to her friends. Your

465
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,440
Speaker 2: mom just heard you talk about talk about her life.

466
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:06,960
Speaker 2: Her mom just called her you guys because she told

467
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:10,600
Speaker 2: her she heard her through thin air say I lied

468
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:11,800
Speaker 2: to you, and now she called.

469
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,040
Speaker 1: Mom. Let me call you back.

470
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:19,480
Speaker 2: Okay, are you with Princess Jasmin? Yes?

471
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:27,040
Speaker 1: Call her iPad. I never never can do that. Okay, Bye. Anyway,

472
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,840
Speaker 1: real life shit happening, guys. Okay, so let me do

473
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:38,080
Speaker 1: that again. Breaking news, guys. I Erica Nicole Dickerson. I'm

474
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:41,359
Speaker 1: in a relationship again with the same person.

475
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:43,480
Speaker 2: For the fourth time.

476
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:46,159
Speaker 1: As we're obsessed. Wait, what's all We're were listening to

477
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:47,920
Speaker 1: a fucking poor minds. You're like, this is you, bitch?

478
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:52,560
Speaker 1: It was the it was the fucking Usher song. Yeah,

479
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:56,719
Speaker 1: I'm back in my relationship. We're working it out. I

480
00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:58,400
Speaker 1: thought I wanted to be in the streets, but then

481
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:00,520
Speaker 1: I said, no, I don't want to be Take me back, please,

482
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:01,960
Speaker 1: I don't want to go back to the streets. I

483
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:03,560
Speaker 1: don't want to be in the streets. The streets are

484
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,200
Speaker 1: not the streets are not good. I don't want to

485
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:05,520
Speaker 1: be there.

486
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:10,400
Speaker 2: The streets aren't great. Streets aren't great. Yeah, and so.

487
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,920
Speaker 1: I'm back with my with my my relationship. It's been

488
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:18,280
Speaker 1: a journey. It's been challenging, it's rewarding. My friend is

489
00:22:18,359 --> 00:22:21,280
Speaker 1: laughing at me, but that's okay because I've I've supported

490
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:22,200
Speaker 1: her through much worse.

491
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:23,480
Speaker 2: What do you mean, much worse?

492
00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:26,280
Speaker 1: I've supported you through a lot of relationships.

493
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,240
Speaker 2: I've never been you always say this. This is you know,

494
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:33,480
Speaker 2: like other podcasts, friends like are not friends. But it's

495
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:36,320
Speaker 2: like you say the same shit about me and mere

496
00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:38,119
Speaker 2: arguing about the same ship. I haven't been in a

497
00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:40,120
Speaker 2: lot of relationships in the last five years, not a lot.

498
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,680
Speaker 1: You've been in a challenging relationships ported you through.

499
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:44,720
Speaker 2: Oh okay. You say one time you said I was

500
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:46,919
Speaker 2: always in a relationship, and I'm like, that is not true.

501
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,679
Speaker 1: Not a relationship, but you're in relationship. You've been in

502
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:57,000
Speaker 1: relationships yeah, yeah, yeah too. So yeah, I'm just saying

503
00:22:57,040 --> 00:23:00,159
Speaker 1: that it's been a challenge. This relationship has challenged me

504
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:04,560
Speaker 1: and him, and I feel really positive about the space

505
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:10,160
Speaker 1: that I'm in with this person that I love. And

506
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:10,600
Speaker 1: that's it.

507
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:14,800
Speaker 2: Literally, I was listening to an episode and you're like,

508
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,320
Speaker 2: I'm single, and I was like, gosh, she's gonna have

509
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,640
Speaker 2: to update this recently.

510
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:20,320
Speaker 1: So bish's real time home. I know.

511
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,560
Speaker 2: I'm just saying this is real. I mean, it's real life.

512
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:23,680
Speaker 1: I think everyone can relate.

513
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,720
Speaker 2: I'm saying there's not a single person who can't relate.

514
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,919
Speaker 2: Everyone has been back with the same one person, like

515
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:31,480
Speaker 2: has redated a person. I don't really do.

516
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,240
Speaker 1: That a lot. So that's why this has been really

517
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:35,600
Speaker 1: weird for me, because I really be done well the

518
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,960
Speaker 1: most part. I mean, I think maybe like one relationship

519
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,840
Speaker 1: I took a I can't went back to with Happy

520
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:44,120
Speaker 1: Bay for a sec. But for the most part, nah,

521
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,840
Speaker 1: not a relationship relationship. But fuck buddy, maybe, I.

522
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:50,040
Speaker 2: Mean, I mean, obviously, I don't think it needs to

523
00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:51,680
Speaker 2: be said. I hope that you know that I support

524
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:54,879
Speaker 2: you in all of your decisions and you know, life's life.

525
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,560
Speaker 2: And I think part of friendships is you may not

526
00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:00,240
Speaker 2: always understand or agree, but you're always gona support you friend.

527
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,639
Speaker 2: You're like never going to be like I can't tell me, La,

528
00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:04,440
Speaker 2: I'm like, you're gonna tell me anything. I'm not gonna

529
00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:05,639
Speaker 2: judge you. I mean, I don't think we have a

530
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,160
Speaker 2: lot of space to jut each other. And it's kind

531
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:08,400
Speaker 2: of like the theme of.

532
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,840
Speaker 1: Well, your faces sometimes make me feel like I don't

533
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:12,719
Speaker 1: want to tell your shit if I'm being honest and

534
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:14,680
Speaker 1: you laugh at me sometimes when I tell you things,

535
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:15,360
Speaker 1: So then I'm.

536
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:19,119
Speaker 2: Like, whatever I laughed at you about, like right now

537
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:23,040
Speaker 2: about your relaunching a relationship. Yeah, I'm laughing because it's

538
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:24,600
Speaker 2: funny that you know what he's saying.

539
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,200
Speaker 1: But I'm just saying, like you, your faces often are

540
00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:28,080
Speaker 1: like bitch, m.

541
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,960
Speaker 2: I mean, I can't help I think. I think I'm

542
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,520
Speaker 2: always gonna be honest about my feeling, but I never

543
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,399
Speaker 2: made it seem like you cannot tell me or cannot

544
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:36,880
Speaker 2: come to me. I'm going to tell you the.

545
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:40,720
Speaker 1: Truth, right, but if I get that face every time

546
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:42,760
Speaker 1: I bring this person up. I'm not saying this, I'm

547
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,159
Speaker 1: just saying in general, but I do.

548
00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,000
Speaker 2: But I don't make that. I mean you have. It's

549
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:50,359
Speaker 2: been over a year, right, So it's not every time.

550
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,360
Speaker 2: I'm just if you if you if you say one

551
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,080
Speaker 2: thing and then I say okay, and then you come

552
00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,680
Speaker 2: back and say something the opposite of that. You have

553
00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:04,120
Speaker 2: to understand where there's sometimes disconnection because the feelings are

554
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:09,600
Speaker 2: changing and the even like us you telling me, not

555
00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,320
Speaker 2: me saying planting seeds. You will say one thing and

556
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:14,840
Speaker 2: then come back and say something else, and I am

557
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:18,359
Speaker 2: just trying to catch up. So you have to understand

558
00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:20,639
Speaker 2: as a friend, if you say, I'm not saying you

559
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:22,439
Speaker 2: shouldn't tell me things, but if you say things that

560
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:26,399
Speaker 2: are negative, and we can agree that there have been

561
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:29,639
Speaker 2: things that are negative, and then come back and disregard

562
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:33,360
Speaker 2: those things, my feelings are still.

563
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:34,600
Speaker 1: You think I've disregarded them.

564
00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:38,120
Speaker 2: Not disregard them. But I as my friend, I always

565
00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:41,200
Speaker 2: want you just to do and be the best. And

566
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:45,200
Speaker 2: it's not difficult, but it takes me time to catch

567
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:47,959
Speaker 2: up to where you're at because it has changed on

568
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:52,520
Speaker 2: a week to week basis. And yeah, that's just the truth.

569
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:54,520
Speaker 2: It's like if I said something, you know.

570
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:56,400
Speaker 1: But the same could be said about you, the same

571
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,320
Speaker 1: could be said about other people. Like you've told me

572
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:01,760
Speaker 1: about your relationship and said things that maybe I was like, oh,

573
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:02,840
Speaker 1: I don't look that's not.

574
00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:04,440
Speaker 2: Great, and the face is all the same and you

575
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,040
Speaker 2: and you've been honest and how you feel about that

576
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:08,640
Speaker 2: in those relationships?

577
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:12,400
Speaker 1: Okay, right when I was when I was fucking off,

578
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:14,320
Speaker 1: I have but There's been times where I've definitely bit

579
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:16,160
Speaker 1: my tongue because you needed my support in that moment.

580
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:19,240
Speaker 1: Not even gonna make a face, I'm just gonna say.

581
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:21,080
Speaker 2: And same, you can never come to me. I'm gonna

582
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,600
Speaker 2: say that was dumb. This is on you, like I'm

583
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:26,320
Speaker 2: always going to support you because everyone has been a

584
00:26:26,359 --> 00:26:30,880
Speaker 2: dumb bitch, including me, especially in relationships when there's dick

585
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:36,160
Speaker 2: and niggas involved. That's the womanly way in ways we

586
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:39,520
Speaker 2: are loyal to a fault. We nurture, we love hard.

587
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,800
Speaker 2: That is what we do. That is the feminine, you know.

588
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,080
Speaker 2: But it's not to judge you or to make you

589
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:47,720
Speaker 2: feel like you can't come to me, because I know

590
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:55,359
Speaker 2: I've done some really questionable boyfriends. I'm very very very aware,

591
00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:59,760
Speaker 2: So please don't let my faces prevent you from being

592
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:03,640
Speaker 2: able to come to me. Because we're human, as does

593
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,320
Speaker 2: anyone we date. And I realize there's going to be

594
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:10,919
Speaker 2: flaws and challenges and fuck ups. That's it like that,

595
00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 2: nobody's exempt from that, And I'm not judging you. I'm

596
00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:18,160
Speaker 2: just here for the ride with you and hoping that

597
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:24,640
Speaker 2: whoever you choose is worthy and takes the role seriously.

598
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:26,840
Speaker 2: That's always my going to be my hope for you

599
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 2: and your relationship you too, because I know that that's

600
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:33,800
Speaker 2: what you deserve, same and that you're smart, and that

601
00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:38,119
Speaker 2: anybody who fucks with you should thoroughly understand respect and

602
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:40,840
Speaker 2: cherish that, and that's all I ask and like, that's

603
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:43,439
Speaker 2: all I want. So I'll be more conscious of my

604
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:46,120
Speaker 2: facial expressions when you mentioned this person. But I really

605
00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:48,399
Speaker 2: do feel like I've been pretty chill, like okay, I mean,

606
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:50,600
Speaker 2: it's not like we were going very far separate from

607
00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:51,000
Speaker 2: each other.

608
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,480
Speaker 1: I'm not saying like right now in this very moment,

609
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:56,680
Speaker 1: I'm just saying in the overall, in the experience with

610
00:27:57,400 --> 00:28:01,440
Speaker 1: this person particular, yes, I have felt like I don't

611
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:03,639
Speaker 1: know if I want to talk to you about certain things.

612
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:05,840
Speaker 1: And that's just my honest thing. I'm not saying that

613
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:07,920
Speaker 1: because I want an apology. I'm not saying that because

614
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:12,360
Speaker 1: I want an explanation. I'm just sharing how I feel.

615
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:13,919
Speaker 2: And I'm sharing how I feel, and I think you

616
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:16,800
Speaker 2: know how I feel. I think you know if I

617
00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:21,600
Speaker 2: ever hesitate or make a face, you understand why where

618
00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:26,520
Speaker 2: my defense comes up in protection of my friend, my

619
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:30,840
Speaker 2: very best friend in the world. So yes, I take

620
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:34,040
Speaker 2: shit personally, and I have to probably take it less

621
00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:36,680
Speaker 2: personally because it's not my boyfriend, is not my life,

622
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:40,600
Speaker 2: and it's not my relationship. You're my friend. If ever

623
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:43,640
Speaker 2: you feel that way, feel free to communicate that to me,

624
00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:45,880
Speaker 2: because I don't want you to feel like you can't

625
00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:47,480
Speaker 2: come to me, because you can come to me about anything.

626
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,400
Speaker 2: Could say I killed somebody and I say, okay, well

627
00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:51,880
Speaker 2: what do we need to do? So it's just it's

628
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:53,840
Speaker 2: never and then I'll be like, so, why do you

629
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:54,480
Speaker 2: think you did that?

630
00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:58,640
Speaker 1: After we buried the body? So now that we handle that.

631
00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:00,479
Speaker 2: You want to talk to you think we even did

632
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:04,280
Speaker 2: a little bit deeper. I got her on the runt.

633
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:08,480
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I love you.

634
00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:10,720
Speaker 2: I love you too, and I want you to know that.

635
00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:15,959
Speaker 2: And yeah, that time you hung up on me when

636
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:20,640
Speaker 2: you heard the dog, even when I was in challenging

637
00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:24,120
Speaker 2: situations and I was being secretive and not maybe saying

638
00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:25,680
Speaker 2: a lot of things because I didn't want to tell

639
00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:27,680
Speaker 2: you because I knew I was doing some stupid ass shit.

640
00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:32,640
Speaker 2: I understood when you were angry or disappointed or making

641
00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:35,560
Speaker 2: a face because I knew you didn't like him, And

642
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:38,160
Speaker 2: I understood why even the time he slapped me in

643
00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:40,440
Speaker 2: my face and I had to cry in the passenger seat.

644
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:44,040
Speaker 2: I didn't feel smart about it, but I knew that

645
00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:47,680
Speaker 2: I could disarm at that moment because you're my friend

646
00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:49,680
Speaker 2: no matter what. So I hope that you always feel

647
00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:54,520
Speaker 2: the same energy that even if I'm feeling I don't know.

648
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:57,480
Speaker 2: I was gonna make up a word, be grudging. I

649
00:29:57,480 --> 00:29:59,440
Speaker 2: don't need to make up any more word. It's one day,

650
00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:00,640
Speaker 2: one day. I'm more at a.

651
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:04,959
Speaker 1: Time, begrudging, judgmental, marboring judgments, right? Is that? Is that

652
00:30:04,960 --> 00:30:05,720
Speaker 1: the feeling.

653
00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:09,040
Speaker 2: Fuck the dictionary? Who's webster? Any fucker?

654
00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:10,480
Speaker 1: You don't have to break down the word?

655
00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:17,120
Speaker 2: So you know, that's also the nature of humanity is

656
00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:21,520
Speaker 2: that we share things with our friends, we you know,

657
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:23,600
Speaker 2: or we do things, and we run the risk of

658
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:26,360
Speaker 2: people feeling away about those actions later, you know, Like

659
00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:29,479
Speaker 2: that's just the reality of humanism. And because you are

660
00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:32,400
Speaker 2: closer to someone, everyone else around you is going to

661
00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:39,520
Speaker 2: be slower possibly at warming up because we have less

662
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:42,440
Speaker 2: of an intimate and close relationship with this person, you

663
00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:44,120
Speaker 2: know what I mean. So like that and that's the

664
00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:45,240
Speaker 2: humanity of it too.

665
00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:48,959
Speaker 1: I get it. Well, I just feel like my nervous

666
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:51,200
Speaker 1: system is calm further and like, and that has been

667
00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:54,720
Speaker 1: the sign for me that I'm I'm safe, we're safe,

668
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:57,560
Speaker 1: and we're on the same page and that I'm happy,

669
00:30:57,880 --> 00:31:01,200
Speaker 1: and that's that's what I want, and that's what I've

670
00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:03,080
Speaker 1: been that's what we've been working towards, even though it's

671
00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:06,160
Speaker 1: been challenging and it hasn't been fucking easy at all.

672
00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:08,000
Speaker 1: From the well, from the beginning, it was pretty fun

673
00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:10,760
Speaker 1: and easy, but then it got real, you know, and

674
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:12,840
Speaker 1: then shit got real, and then there were like big

675
00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:17,120
Speaker 1: feelings involved, and and I feel like there has been

676
00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:20,120
Speaker 1: a journey that we have had to take in order

677
00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:23,560
Speaker 1: to really be honest with ourselves about what it is

678
00:31:23,560 --> 00:31:26,000
Speaker 1: that we want, what we're willing to do. And that's

679
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:28,440
Speaker 1: really what it is, is like the work. Are you

680
00:31:28,480 --> 00:31:30,280
Speaker 1: willing to do the work with this person? Because yeah,

681
00:31:30,280 --> 00:31:33,520
Speaker 1: I could go break up with my partner and go

682
00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:35,800
Speaker 1: back in the streets and find another nigga and do

683
00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:40,200
Speaker 1: all those things, but like, ultimately, is this person down

684
00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:44,360
Speaker 1: to do the work and move forward in a healthy,

685
00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:46,680
Speaker 1: positive way where we are both on the same fucking

686
00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:49,880
Speaker 1: page about it, And that's where we're at, and that's

687
00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:51,840
Speaker 1: how I feel, and that's how I've continued to feel.

688
00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:56,000
Speaker 1: And I'm living my life day by day and ultimately,

689
00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:57,680
Speaker 1: do I see this person with me in the long run.

690
00:31:57,880 --> 00:31:59,880
Speaker 1: I hope so yeah, I do. I wouldn't be doing

691
00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:04,080
Speaker 1: it just because, you know, but I also know that

692
00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:07,600
Speaker 1: like whatever is for me is always going to show up.

693
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:11,800
Speaker 1: And that also means in the in the way of

694
00:32:12,240 --> 00:32:16,240
Speaker 1: ending what needs to be ended, like I'm protected in

695
00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:19,800
Speaker 1: the way of like from from particular. Oh my god,

696
00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:28,360
Speaker 1: he's calling me from unprotected in ways from bullshit, and

697
00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:32,200
Speaker 1: I know that I consciously also have to choose that

698
00:32:32,360 --> 00:32:35,120
Speaker 1: as well. It's not like God is gonna sprinkle some

699
00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:38,680
Speaker 1: shit and I'm gonna just walk the other direction. But

700
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:42,480
Speaker 1: I feel like I have to trust the work that

701
00:32:42,520 --> 00:32:47,800
Speaker 1: I've done and knowing that ultimately I am gonna choose myself.

702
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:50,880
Speaker 2: I mean, I know that too. I'm never like worried

703
00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:52,400
Speaker 2: about you. I mean, obviously, I'm.

704
00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:54,160
Speaker 1: Not telling you this to prove something to you. I'm

705
00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:56,080
Speaker 1: just saying in general for like I'm saying this to

706
00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:58,480
Speaker 1: myself as well, because I've had to say that to myself.

707
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:02,040
Speaker 1: Like you've done, You've done the work, you're doing the

708
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:05,560
Speaker 1: work always you're continuing to do it, and you have

709
00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:11,440
Speaker 1: to trust that you can trust yourself.

710
00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:15,360
Speaker 2: Basically, I mean, if if you feel like your intuition

711
00:33:15,480 --> 00:33:17,600
Speaker 2: is saying yes to something, then you have to honor

712
00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:22,960
Speaker 2: that and know that, yeah, when you are when something

713
00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:24,600
Speaker 2: is for you, it's for you, and when it's not

714
00:33:24,640 --> 00:33:28,000
Speaker 2: for you, the universe will continue to remind you that. Like,

715
00:33:28,040 --> 00:33:31,360
Speaker 2: there are certain things when you begin to choose healing

716
00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:36,320
Speaker 2: and choose digging deeper, is that you can't unchoose that,

717
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:41,440
Speaker 2: and you will see toxic things if they are toxic you.

718
00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:43,479
Speaker 2: You can only do it for so long. You know,

719
00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:46,520
Speaker 2: when you when you fuck around and always commit to yourself,

720
00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:49,960
Speaker 2: the toxic relationships will be so much shorter, the relationships

721
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:52,160
Speaker 2: with friends, all those things will peel away all the

722
00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:55,840
Speaker 2: time because you can't unsee what you already see. So

723
00:33:56,240 --> 00:33:59,680
Speaker 2: I mean, it's it's about honoring your intuition and honoring yourself.

724
00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:01,520
Speaker 2: And you're nervous system, and if you don't feel like

725
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:04,240
Speaker 2: if you feel like you're in a space of safety

726
00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:08,760
Speaker 2: and and you know, contenteness in an overall better place,

727
00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:11,160
Speaker 2: then that's like then that's what you should do in

728
00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:14,360
Speaker 2: anything you know, in any job and any relationship and

729
00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:16,840
Speaker 2: any friendship. I think if you feel good about it,

730
00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:17,560
Speaker 2: then like that's all that.

731
00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:21,399
Speaker 1: I've also realized that I in general and not that

732
00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:26,000
Speaker 1: this in this particular relationship, it didn't this reaction wasn't

733
00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:29,680
Speaker 1: correct in ways. But I am am a runner, like

734
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:33,440
Speaker 1: I am quick to be like no thanks, like I'm cool,

735
00:34:33,840 --> 00:34:34,880
Speaker 1: I don't want to do the work.

736
00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:37,799
Speaker 2: Do you think it's been you running or has it

737
00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:41,319
Speaker 2: been you just honoring your intuition in ways or like

738
00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:42,240
Speaker 2: having boundaries?

739
00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:43,719
Speaker 1: No, I don't think that. And I think that we

740
00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:47,560
Speaker 1: as women sometimes use that, like we weaponize intuition and

741
00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:49,799
Speaker 1: some Now I'm just asking you, I'm just saying I

742
00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:52,200
Speaker 1: feel like as women we do that sometimes where we

743
00:34:52,239 --> 00:34:54,360
Speaker 1: will walk away from certain shit that could that we

744
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:58,920
Speaker 1: can work through because our intuition said, because our intuition

745
00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:01,400
Speaker 1: or fear, which I think is that's where it's like

746
00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:07,560
Speaker 1: this this blurred line between intuition, fear, and trauma, where

747
00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:11,840
Speaker 1: we are using this boundary and these our intuition to

748
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:14,960
Speaker 1: just say, you know what, discard this person because they

749
00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:16,640
Speaker 1: have work to do and I don't have fucking time,

750
00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:19,319
Speaker 1: when really, bitch, like you do have time a b

751
00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:21,840
Speaker 1: because bitch has always lived at they don't have time.

752
00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:24,040
Speaker 2: And be.

753
00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:28,919
Speaker 1: There's a mirror here that you need to face as well.

754
00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:32,640
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, you know, I don't know who who we

755
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:34,319
Speaker 2: had an interview with. It was a couple of years ago,

756
00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:37,239
Speaker 2: but they were like, you were going to show up

757
00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:40,200
Speaker 2: differently in every relationship because the other person serves as

758
00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:42,239
Speaker 2: a different type of mirror. You will be triggered in

759
00:35:42,239 --> 00:35:45,280
Speaker 2: different ways. Some one personality will challenge you in different ways.

760
00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:47,680
Speaker 2: Like we have a friend who is in a relationship

761
00:35:47,680 --> 00:35:49,200
Speaker 2: recently and calling me the other day and it was

762
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:52,560
Speaker 2: just like like I realized, like getting close to someone,

763
00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:54,320
Speaker 2: it's like you have to tell them about your family

764
00:35:54,680 --> 00:35:57,359
Speaker 2: and your trauma, and like like can I do this?

765
00:35:57,400 --> 00:35:58,960
Speaker 2: Do I want this? And I was just like this

766
00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:02,680
Speaker 2: is a part of it, you know. I definitely had

767
00:36:02,719 --> 00:36:07,040
Speaker 2: to go inside a lot on many occasions, even in

768
00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:13,160
Speaker 2: my relationship, less now, but just realizing that the trauma

769
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:15,200
Speaker 2: will show up, Like if you don't want to share

770
00:36:15,360 --> 00:36:17,680
Speaker 2: your trauma with someone else because it feels embarrassing or

771
00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:21,759
Speaker 2: shameful or like they're not going to understand, then you're

772
00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:23,480
Speaker 2: going to be like do I want this relationship? This

773
00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:25,360
Speaker 2: seems hard? I don't want to do that, you know

774
00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:27,160
Speaker 2: what I mean. And so there's always going to be

775
00:36:27,239 --> 00:36:29,120
Speaker 2: You're always going to face different challenges and a lot

776
00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:31,360
Speaker 2: of it's always you, but it's just like do I

777
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:34,120
Speaker 2: feel like dealing with them? So like even people sometimes

778
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:36,360
Speaker 2: seek relationships thinking is going to save them for something

779
00:36:36,440 --> 00:36:38,359
Speaker 2: or be safe and what like, you know, save them

780
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:40,280
Speaker 2: from a lot of times doing the work on yourself

781
00:36:40,680 --> 00:36:43,520
Speaker 2: and committed relationships that you're like trying to really be

782
00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:46,359
Speaker 2: down for someone really requires work from you because you

783
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:48,600
Speaker 2: have to be honest with yourself when you're not being cool,

784
00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:51,960
Speaker 2: or you're being triggered or if you're really not ready

785
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:54,359
Speaker 2: to settle down and do the like the challenging things

786
00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:56,560
Speaker 2: that being in a committed relationship require.

787
00:36:57,160 --> 00:37:01,200
Speaker 1: So there's you can't The work that you haven't done

788
00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:03,480
Speaker 1: is always going to show up in all your relationships,

789
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:06,960
Speaker 1: whether they're good or bad, you know, and the work

790
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,799
Speaker 1: that has I mean, the one thing that I will

791
00:37:08,840 --> 00:37:12,160
Speaker 1: say that I haven't always acted on the reaction, but

792
00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:16,080
Speaker 1: I've If I haven't fled physically like buy niggat, it's

793
00:37:16,200 --> 00:37:19,959
Speaker 1: emotionally that's always how it goes fast quick, and then

794
00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:22,319
Speaker 1: the physical part comes where I'm like I'm actually not

795
00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:25,400
Speaker 1: here anymore for you. But I've just noticed that that's

796
00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:28,319
Speaker 1: that has been like the easiest thing for me to do,

797
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:31,520
Speaker 1: not just in this relationship because he made it easy

798
00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:35,440
Speaker 1: at first, but also in my other relationships, like I

799
00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:40,719
Speaker 1: will disconnect or like I will just stop engaging at all,

800
00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:44,759
Speaker 1: you know, like certain relationships, yes, granted, but like even

801
00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:47,520
Speaker 1: in my even my relationship with what did we call

802
00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:51,960
Speaker 1: him poetry Bay, I was like in my mind, I

803
00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:54,120
Speaker 1: was very much I loved, like I was in love

804
00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:57,759
Speaker 1: with him. Now thinking about that, I'm like, bitch, stop no.

805
00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:01,640
Speaker 1: But when I was done, like I literally disconnected, like

806
00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:04,000
Speaker 1: it was like the easiest disconnection I've ever had. I

807
00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:06,440
Speaker 1: think about also, like the relationship I had with my

808
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:09,239
Speaker 1: long one of my long term boyfriends actually that we

809
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:14,000
Speaker 1: also interviewed when we interviewed our exes again, disconnected like

810
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:16,440
Speaker 1: like nothing like went on to I think that's why

811
00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:18,719
Speaker 1: I started dating my baby daddy, like a week later,

812
00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:21,400
Speaker 1: like I went to New York, we made out, we

813
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:23,600
Speaker 1: had sex, and then I was in love again. And

814
00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:26,359
Speaker 1: so that was my way of running. I would run

815
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:28,840
Speaker 1: into different relationships. I would just go from relationship to

816
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:31,879
Speaker 1: relationship to relationship. And then when I stopped doing that,

817
00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:35,120
Speaker 1: it was now I'm disconnecting. I'm not going back to

818
00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:38,160
Speaker 1: another relationship, but I am going to disconnect quickly and

819
00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:43,560
Speaker 1: move on quickly. And I just like the more I

820
00:38:43,600 --> 00:38:46,400
Speaker 1: talk to I feel like older women too. I was

821
00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:50,480
Speaker 1: having this conversation with someone yesterday and she was just like,

822
00:38:50,760 --> 00:38:53,920
Speaker 1: she's been married, she's divorced now, and she was like,

823
00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:56,520
Speaker 1: you know, and I was like, how is your marriage going?

824
00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:58,840
Speaker 1: Like how's it going? She she was recently married, like

825
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:04,040
Speaker 1: three years three years ago maybe, and she was just like,

826
00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:09,560
Speaker 1: and you have to choose your friend ultimately, Like, listen,

827
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:12,320
Speaker 1: what I've learned about marriage is like I'm not always

828
00:39:12,320 --> 00:39:14,800
Speaker 1: gonna love all your choices. I'm not always gonna like everything.

829
00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:17,120
Speaker 1: Sometimes shit is gonna be bad. But like, do I

830
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:20,239
Speaker 1: like you? Are you my friend? Like how do I

831
00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:23,319
Speaker 1: feel about that? Because I ultimately I'm gonna go through

832
00:39:23,320 --> 00:39:25,120
Speaker 1: my shit too, and you're not gonna like everything I do.

833
00:39:25,239 --> 00:39:27,399
Speaker 1: She's like, I'm cranky and shit and I don't. I'm

834
00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:29,080
Speaker 1: not gonna change it. That's just who the fuck I am.

835
00:39:29,160 --> 00:39:31,080
Speaker 1: And he loves me and that's he's my friend and

836
00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:33,560
Speaker 1: like he doesn't like it, but are we gonna leave

837
00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:37,040
Speaker 1: each other for that? No? Like is everything else the

838
00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:39,560
Speaker 1: friendship and all the things in between, and like the

839
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:41,719
Speaker 1: connection that we have, the way we're able to communicate,

840
00:39:41,719 --> 00:39:43,840
Speaker 1: that we're able to show up for one another, is

841
00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:44,520
Speaker 1: that worth?

842
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:48,320
Speaker 2: Does that outweigh that? I know? I know? And then

843
00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:50,680
Speaker 2: and then you know what it's also about if you're

844
00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:53,680
Speaker 2: if you have generally been in relationships that people have

845
00:39:53,800 --> 00:39:58,040
Speaker 2: made it easy for you to choose saying peace out

846
00:39:58,400 --> 00:40:00,200
Speaker 2: if you if you make it like if if you

847
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,680
Speaker 2: give me a reason. People are I think innately runners

848
00:40:02,719 --> 00:40:04,319
Speaker 2: when that's what you're used to, and so you have

849
00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:07,640
Speaker 2: options to leave. You know, you don't feel like you're

850
00:40:07,680 --> 00:40:09,520
Speaker 2: going to commit or it suck or it's forever, and

851
00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:11,799
Speaker 2: that there's a leisure in that. There's a comfortability in that,

852
00:40:12,080 --> 00:40:15,040
Speaker 2: or you should be too close. But when you but

853
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:17,960
Speaker 2: when you start to be with someone and you try

854
00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:20,400
Speaker 2: to make their reason for you to like walk away

855
00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:23,280
Speaker 2: because that's what you're used to choosing, like the cycle

856
00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:25,840
Speaker 2: of okay, I'll find someone else, then it will be

857
00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:27,680
Speaker 2: easier for you to do that. And so when you're

858
00:40:27,719 --> 00:40:30,520
Speaker 2: with some money and you're like, fuck, I couldn't like

859
00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:32,959
Speaker 2: this is not a really valid reason, because I still

860
00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:34,600
Speaker 2: want to be with you, even though you get on

861
00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:36,560
Speaker 2: my nerves, even though this, this and that. It's like

862
00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:38,759
Speaker 2: because you're my friend, even though you fucked up, even

863
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:40,680
Speaker 2: though even though you're fucked up, even though oh god,

864
00:40:40,719 --> 00:40:41,520
Speaker 2: you're you're.

865
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:45,880
Speaker 1: Fucking nuts, you're you know, and it's like, but I

866
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:48,279
Speaker 1: I love you, and I'm learning to well for him,

867
00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:52,080
Speaker 1: like I think for my relationship in particular, we didn't

868
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:56,239
Speaker 1: we weren't friends first. We literally went straight into love

869
00:40:56,280 --> 00:41:00,799
Speaker 1: affair like it was like, especially because he doesn't live here,

870
00:41:00,920 --> 00:41:03,320
Speaker 1: you know, so he's far away, and so it's easy

871
00:41:03,360 --> 00:41:06,400
Speaker 1: for it to feel fairy tale like. And even though

872
00:41:06,400 --> 00:41:08,239
Speaker 1: we're talking on the phone over it like all the time,

873
00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:11,120
Speaker 1: it's different, Like I'm not I realize I am not

874
00:41:11,239 --> 00:41:14,600
Speaker 1: a phone talking ass bitch. I don't like talking on

875
00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:17,919
Speaker 1: the phone. I don't have much to say. I don't

876
00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:18,759
Speaker 1: want to figure out.

877
00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:19,360
Speaker 2: What to say.

878
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:21,520
Speaker 1: I really would just like you to lead the conversation.

879
00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:23,319
Speaker 1: If you want to ask me some shit, I'll answer it.

880
00:41:23,920 --> 00:41:28,280
Speaker 1: But like long Diestant's relationships, it's not ideal. And honestly,

881
00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:31,399
Speaker 1: we're much better in person because of that, because I'm

882
00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:35,880
Speaker 1: like but you know, even and because of that, I

883
00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:38,360
Speaker 1: think that we didn't really even though we were long distance,

884
00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:41,880
Speaker 1: we we got to know each other, but like the

885
00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:44,120
Speaker 1: friendship just wasn't there. It's different when like you really

886
00:41:44,200 --> 00:41:46,800
Speaker 1: are able to like be in someone's space, be in

887
00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:48,680
Speaker 1: their day to day, understand what their day to day

888
00:41:48,719 --> 00:41:52,399
Speaker 1: looks like, you know, and long distance can be really

889
00:41:52,440 --> 00:41:55,320
Speaker 1: challenging in that way. So I think the friendship element

890
00:41:55,560 --> 00:41:58,680
Speaker 1: I realize. I know that that's important because that's typically

891
00:41:58,680 --> 00:42:01,400
Speaker 1: how I've started all my relationship and ships. Like my

892
00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:03,680
Speaker 1: baby Daddy was my home. Like we were cool, you

893
00:42:03,719 --> 00:42:05,960
Speaker 1: know what I mean. Like the guy that I dated,

894
00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:09,600
Speaker 1: you know, before that or after that, like i'd known

895
00:42:09,680 --> 00:42:13,280
Speaker 1: him for years. We were cool, you know. But skipping

896
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:17,080
Speaker 1: the friendship part will have you fucked up, will have

897
00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:20,880
Speaker 1: your intuition fucked up. We'll have you running because you're like,

898
00:42:20,960 --> 00:42:23,200
Speaker 1: I don't even know you like that, I'm out of here.

899
00:42:23,239 --> 00:42:23,839
Speaker 2: I don't need this.

900
00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:25,360
Speaker 1: I don't look at you, I don't look like I

901
00:42:25,360 --> 00:42:27,239
Speaker 1: don't look at you like a friend. You're disposable to me.

902
00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:31,359
Speaker 1: You've hurt my heart, like no, like there's no friendship there.

903
00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:34,480
Speaker 1: So it's like when you skip that part. It's like,

904
00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:37,000
Speaker 1: I feel like it's a recipe for disaster and life

905
00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:40,080
Speaker 1: and I'll never I would never do that again. I

906
00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:41,920
Speaker 1: would never jump into something.

907
00:42:41,640 --> 00:42:45,560
Speaker 2: Like that again. The friendship part is essential, yeah, I

908
00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:48,319
Speaker 2: mean because yeah, because you do give your friends a

909
00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:52,520
Speaker 2: different type of grace. But yeah, the friendship part is

910
00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:53,560
Speaker 2: definitely essential.

911
00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:56,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I mean they think about you. In Orlando's relationship,

912
00:42:56,760 --> 00:42:59,080
Speaker 1: it was built on friendship first. I mean, yes, you

913
00:42:59,120 --> 00:43:02,719
Speaker 1: were lovers quick, like you really had to like be

914
00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:06,120
Speaker 1: honest with one another in a way that most couples

915
00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:08,520
Speaker 1: are not, you know what I mean, Like you were

916
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:11,399
Speaker 1: being honest about like where you were at dating and

917
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:13,319
Speaker 1: like what you you know, all the different things you

918
00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:15,600
Speaker 1: were doing without fear that he was going to leave

919
00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:18,480
Speaker 1: you because that was your friend versus like him not

920
00:43:18,600 --> 00:43:21,080
Speaker 1: being your friend and then you withholding certain things parts

921
00:43:21,120 --> 00:43:24,520
Speaker 1: of yourself and vice versa. So when shit pops off

922
00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:27,680
Speaker 1: and he's a human or you're a human.

923
00:43:27,640 --> 00:43:29,200
Speaker 2: You're like, uh uh, I'm cool.

924
00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:31,279
Speaker 1: I'm cool on your humanness where you even got we're

925
00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:32,920
Speaker 1: not even close like that, right, I don't even know

926
00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:35,319
Speaker 1: you like that, nigga, for you to be human like

927
00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:37,440
Speaker 1: you're supposed to take care of my heart. You're supposed

928
00:43:37,440 --> 00:43:39,640
Speaker 1: to love me and that's that. Yeah.

929
00:43:40,600 --> 00:43:45,400
Speaker 2: No, yeah, I think that the way my relationship with

930
00:43:45,480 --> 00:43:48,520
Speaker 2: Orlando panned out, it could it couldn't have been any better.

931
00:43:48,560 --> 00:43:51,760
Speaker 2: And and because we were long distance, it wasn't forced.

932
00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:52,920
Speaker 2: It wasn't like I love you and we're going to

933
00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:55,640
Speaker 2: be together. It was like fucking two thousand miles away

934
00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:58,600
Speaker 2: from each other. So I love you, but yeah, I

935
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:00,560
Speaker 2: see you. When I see you, you know you around

936
00:44:00,600 --> 00:44:03,359
Speaker 2: because there was there could not be a long term

937
00:44:03,400 --> 00:44:05,520
Speaker 2: plan at that time, because neither one of us were

938
00:44:05,520 --> 00:44:07,799
Speaker 2: in the position to give that. And because of that,

939
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:09,600
Speaker 2: we knew we weren't going to not be in each

940
00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:11,160
Speaker 2: other's lives or not not be friends.

941
00:44:11,200 --> 00:44:14,319
Speaker 1: I don't think you wanted that either. No, you weren't

942
00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:16,840
Speaker 1: even looking for that, you know, Like I kind of

943
00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:19,600
Speaker 1: was like I was like when I met him, like

944
00:44:19,680 --> 00:44:23,840
Speaker 1: I was at intentionally dating. I wanted to like be

945
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:27,040
Speaker 1: with someone. I was ready to not be fucking alone anymore.

946
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:29,360
Speaker 1: So when I met that had that connection, I immediately

947
00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:31,520
Speaker 1: like held on to it and was like, Okay, this

948
00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:34,680
Speaker 1: is it where like I feel it and like skip

949
00:44:34,800 --> 00:44:36,960
Speaker 1: you skipped a friendship part because you didn't even give

950
00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:37,920
Speaker 1: it yourself a chance.

951
00:44:38,239 --> 00:44:42,680
Speaker 2: But there's also that too, right, Like there's that are

952
00:44:42,719 --> 00:44:44,520
Speaker 2: you dating because I don't want to be alone anymore?

953
00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:47,160
Speaker 2: And I'm not saying don't be intentional about dating, but

954
00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:50,960
Speaker 2: I think that not having expectations or not not not

955
00:44:51,040 --> 00:44:53,520
Speaker 2: wanting it because you're allowed to want it, but sometimes

956
00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:55,360
Speaker 2: we want like not saying this for you, I'm just

957
00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:57,640
Speaker 2: saying in general, like sometimes you want something so bad

958
00:44:57,680 --> 00:45:00,440
Speaker 2: and you're like, you don't want You've made this statement,

959
00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:03,239
Speaker 2: and so the next person who comes, you're like, you're

960
00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:05,000
Speaker 2: gonna be my person, you know what I mean. And

961
00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:07,520
Speaker 2: sometimes it's like maybe that's not your person, but you

962
00:45:07,560 --> 00:45:09,960
Speaker 2: want someone because you don't want to be alone, or

963
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:13,799
Speaker 2: because you understand and like long for the perks of partnership,

964
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:16,120
Speaker 2: but sometimes it's just not with that person. So it's

965
00:45:16,160 --> 00:45:18,839
Speaker 2: like it's important that even if you want it, you

966
00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:23,560
Speaker 2: are aware or not to mold someone into your fantasy

967
00:45:23,600 --> 00:45:24,040
Speaker 2: that you.

968
00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:26,520
Speaker 1: Have or you're well, it's not out of a deficit, right,

969
00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:28,960
Speaker 1: but you know it's not a deficit. But also, like

970
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:32,879
Speaker 1: people always say, like you don't you need You'll find

971
00:45:32,880 --> 00:45:35,359
Speaker 1: the person you want, like when you are like when

972
00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:37,720
Speaker 1: you love yourself when you've done the work on yourself,

973
00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:40,400
Speaker 1: and like, yes, I agree with that. I also that

974
00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:44,840
Speaker 1: concept also kind of annoys me a little bit because

975
00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:47,600
Speaker 1: I'm just like, yeah, But then when you meet that person,

976
00:45:47,640 --> 00:45:50,720
Speaker 1: you realize that there's like this piece that not was missing,

977
00:45:50,719 --> 00:45:53,240
Speaker 1: but that wow, there's even more. There's an extra piece

978
00:45:53,320 --> 00:45:55,239
Speaker 1: that I didn't even know I needed. And I don't

979
00:45:55,239 --> 00:45:58,960
Speaker 1: feel bad about knowing that, like maybe there was some

980
00:45:59,000 --> 00:46:03,520
Speaker 1: sort of like thing missing that this person filled in for.

981
00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:06,520
Speaker 1: You know. I think like people will wait and wait

982
00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:09,080
Speaker 1: and wait and wait, and it's like you're never gonna

983
00:46:09,080 --> 00:46:12,440
Speaker 1: find that perfect, exact peace, Like it might come in

984
00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:14,839
Speaker 1: perfect and then that neggati or that bitch is good,

985
00:46:14,840 --> 00:46:16,880
Speaker 1: other it's gonna be a little crunchy at times, and

986
00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:19,319
Speaker 1: then you figure it out again. Sometimes it does come

987
00:46:19,360 --> 00:46:22,160
Speaker 1: in perfect, you know, or sometimes it doesn't come in perfect,

988
00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:25,680
Speaker 1: And I don't get to write my fucking fairy tale, right,

989
00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:28,560
Speaker 1: I don't get to decide that my Prince Charming rolls

990
00:46:28,560 --> 00:46:31,279
Speaker 1: in and is exactly as I hoped he was going

991
00:46:31,320 --> 00:46:32,800
Speaker 1: to show up in his shining armor.

992
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:35,359
Speaker 2: He won't. It doesn't exist, but it does.

993
00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:37,799
Speaker 1: But people think that's how it's supposed to exist, that

994
00:46:37,800 --> 00:46:42,120
Speaker 1: that's the storyline of their fairy tale, and like if

995
00:46:42,120 --> 00:46:43,560
Speaker 1: this is the fairy tale that's playing out in my

996
00:46:43,600 --> 00:46:48,719
Speaker 1: life right now, like it's it's untraditional, it's different, it's

997
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:51,759
Speaker 1: not always We've had challenges early on, well not really

998
00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:53,880
Speaker 1: early on, but I guess early on and things of

999
00:46:53,920 --> 00:46:56,279
Speaker 1: that and all those things. But I think that as

1000
00:46:56,280 --> 00:46:58,880
Speaker 1: women we have to kind of let go of this

1001
00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:01,759
Speaker 1: idea of what your fairy tale is supposed to look like.

1002
00:47:01,800 --> 00:47:05,480
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that you like downplay your wants

1003
00:47:05,480 --> 00:47:08,000
Speaker 1: and needs. I'm not saying that you may compromise these

1004
00:47:08,000 --> 00:47:11,160
Speaker 1: big compromises with yourself because ultimately you know what you

1005
00:47:11,160 --> 00:47:13,560
Speaker 1: can handle, what you can't. You know you and you

1006
00:47:13,600 --> 00:47:17,400
Speaker 1: actively choose the opposite if that's what you're doing. But

1007
00:47:17,560 --> 00:47:22,520
Speaker 1: I do think that we have been really hard on

1008
00:47:22,640 --> 00:47:26,360
Speaker 1: men because they haven't made it easy for us. And

1009
00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:27,320
Speaker 1: I think that.

1010
00:47:27,239 --> 00:47:28,880
Speaker 2: And they do one wrong thing, and it's easy for

1011
00:47:28,960 --> 00:47:31,480
Speaker 2: us to protect ourselves and go into defense mechanisms because

1012
00:47:31,520 --> 00:47:35,000
Speaker 2: other men have also you know, done functionhit and so

1013
00:47:35,239 --> 00:47:38,800
Speaker 2: it's a whole, all of you niggas as a whole,

1014
00:47:39,360 --> 00:47:42,200
Speaker 2: and so it's harder to because then you you kind

1015
00:47:42,200 --> 00:47:44,440
Speaker 2: of group them all together, and then your friends have

1016
00:47:44,480 --> 00:47:47,360
Speaker 2: boyfriends that ain't shit too, and you're like, it's definitely

1017
00:47:47,440 --> 00:47:50,080
Speaker 2: all of them, you know what I mean. And then

1018
00:47:50,120 --> 00:47:52,879
Speaker 2: it's easy to protect yourself by distancing yourself and by

1019
00:47:52,880 --> 00:47:55,880
Speaker 2: putting up these unbreakable walls, you know.

1020
00:47:56,040 --> 00:48:00,440
Speaker 1: But like, but the thing is is like there are

1021
00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:03,520
Speaker 1: a lot of men that make are making really poor choices,

1022
00:48:03,760 --> 00:48:06,400
Speaker 1: and there's a maybe like a pool of men that

1023
00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:08,880
Speaker 1: are making really amazing choices all the time, right, And

1024
00:48:09,080 --> 00:48:11,000
Speaker 1: the same goes for women. I think on a higher rate,

1025
00:48:11,080 --> 00:48:14,160
Speaker 1: women are making better choices. I mean, call me fucking biased,

1026
00:48:14,160 --> 00:48:17,920
Speaker 1: I don't give a fuck. But so what are we

1027
00:48:17,960 --> 00:48:19,919
Speaker 1: gonna do. There's a lot of women. There's more women

1028
00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:23,800
Speaker 1: in this world than there are men. So are we

1029
00:48:23,880 --> 00:48:25,719
Speaker 1: just gonna discard the niggas that are kind of fucked

1030
00:48:25,800 --> 00:48:27,439
Speaker 1: up and maybe are down to do the work, and

1031
00:48:27,800 --> 00:48:31,000
Speaker 1: but like need that support, need that support? Or are

1032
00:48:31,000 --> 00:48:33,799
Speaker 1: we just gonna all like try to find this like

1033
00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:36,480
Speaker 1: unicorn of a man that's already healed, already done all

1034
00:48:36,480 --> 00:48:36,799
Speaker 1: the work.

1035
00:48:36,880 --> 00:48:39,040
Speaker 2: There's also like there's this idea of what that man

1036
00:48:39,120 --> 00:48:41,479
Speaker 2: is gonna be, Like he's gonna be tall, he's gonna

1037
00:48:41,640 --> 00:48:43,640
Speaker 2: not a garden. He's kind of on plants.

1038
00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:48,160
Speaker 1: Now, he might be like a short, small Indian man,

1039
00:48:48,239 --> 00:48:50,239
Speaker 1: SMaL king. He might be a little Indian man.

1040
00:48:50,440 --> 00:48:51,000
Speaker 2: That's extreme.

1041
00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:53,080
Speaker 1: I mean that I'm being specific because bitch is some

1042
00:48:53,120 --> 00:48:55,120
Speaker 1: peatures were like, I'll never I could never imagine myself

1043
00:48:55,200 --> 00:48:56,879
Speaker 1: dating this type of person. It's like that was your

1044
00:48:56,880 --> 00:48:58,799
Speaker 1: soul made. You didn't even fucking know, bitch.

1045
00:48:58,920 --> 00:49:00,920
Speaker 2: Orlando is not my type.

1046
00:49:01,160 --> 00:49:01,600
Speaker 1: I said it.

1047
00:49:01,640 --> 00:49:02,719
Speaker 2: I was just like, I don't know if this is

1048
00:49:02,760 --> 00:49:05,040
Speaker 2: my but he wasn't my type. But then I started

1049
00:49:05,040 --> 00:49:08,000
Speaker 2: to like him, and when we came back from Mexico

1050
00:49:08,440 --> 00:49:10,000
Speaker 2: was then like the first month and a half of

1051
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:11,399
Speaker 2: me knowing him. If he would have been like, let's

1052
00:49:11,400 --> 00:49:13,640
Speaker 2: be together, I would have been like, okay, I was

1053
00:49:13,680 --> 00:49:15,480
Speaker 2: not looking for me and I had just got a relationship.

1054
00:49:15,520 --> 00:49:17,120
Speaker 2: But I a part of me a little bit was

1055
00:49:17,160 --> 00:49:20,240
Speaker 2: a hope, like kind of wanted that. I've never admitted

1056
00:49:20,239 --> 00:49:23,600
Speaker 2: that ever in my life out loud. But if he want, yeah,

1057
00:49:23,640 --> 00:49:24,879
Speaker 2: I was like, oh you did to have a great time.

1058
00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:26,680
Speaker 2: Fuck you. But also, I mean, I'm not the type

1059
00:49:26,680 --> 00:49:29,200
Speaker 2: of person to say to vocalize my feelings like that,

1060
00:49:29,280 --> 00:49:31,880
Speaker 2: because it was kind of crazy, but I've had that

1061
00:49:32,000 --> 00:49:32,879
Speaker 2: inkling like and it.

1062
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:35,480
Speaker 1: Wasn't crazy because you guys did have a really you know,

1063
00:49:36,320 --> 00:49:39,840
Speaker 1: cosmic experience with one another, and so it's natural to

1064
00:49:39,960 --> 00:49:43,720
Speaker 1: feel like that, that longing, especially if there are things

1065
00:49:43,760 --> 00:49:45,120
Speaker 1: missing in your life.

1066
00:49:45,160 --> 00:49:48,880
Speaker 2: But had that happened, it would have been much easier

1067
00:49:48,880 --> 00:49:52,680
Speaker 2: for me to discard him when he did things that

1068
00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:56,759
Speaker 2: were pissing me off. And that challenged me, especially because

1069
00:49:56,760 --> 00:50:01,319
Speaker 2: we had this extremely honest, no secrets like relationship. Like,

1070
00:50:02,160 --> 00:50:04,480
Speaker 2: had we been in a relationship early, that would not

1071
00:50:04,600 --> 00:50:07,360
Speaker 2: have lasted. I'm grateful that that did not happen. And

1072
00:50:07,440 --> 00:50:10,719
Speaker 2: it took a year of friendship, like solid friendship to

1073
00:50:12,040 --> 00:50:15,279
Speaker 2: kind of know that we were ready for whatever we

1074
00:50:15,280 --> 00:50:17,719
Speaker 2: were about to take this into. But when I when

1075
00:50:17,840 --> 00:50:19,520
Speaker 2: we met, I was like, by the time I turned

1076
00:50:19,560 --> 00:50:21,640
Speaker 2: thirty five, you'll be thirty one and you'll be old enough.

1077
00:50:21,840 --> 00:50:24,480
Speaker 2: If we don't or like Marya's at thirty six, Uh,

1078
00:50:24,600 --> 00:50:27,040
Speaker 2: if we don't find anyone else, we'll be together. And

1079
00:50:27,080 --> 00:50:28,600
Speaker 2: then my head, I was like, nigga, I'm numb for

1080
00:50:28,719 --> 00:50:31,919
Speaker 2: one that can't even better than me, not gonna happen.

1081
00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:32,279
Speaker 1: Good luck.

1082
00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:35,240
Speaker 2: So it was like that, and then there was an agreement,

1083
00:50:35,360 --> 00:50:38,560
Speaker 2: but yeah, the friendship ship is like that's an like

1084
00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:41,960
Speaker 2: it's not even like it's huge, huge piece, even if

1085
00:50:41,960 --> 00:50:46,280
Speaker 2: it's your person. And there was this like spirit was saying,

1086
00:50:46,760 --> 00:50:49,120
Speaker 2: I'm gonna pump the brakes for you. I'm gonna not

1087
00:50:49,160 --> 00:50:52,200
Speaker 2: even have that being mentioned because I know how valuable

1088
00:50:52,280 --> 00:50:56,880
Speaker 2: this one year of like platonic slash you know, erotic

1089
00:50:57,000 --> 00:50:59,400
Speaker 2: relation intimate relationship will look like, and how much it's

1090
00:50:59,440 --> 00:51:02,480
Speaker 2: going to serve you because now, yeah, he does get

1091
00:51:02,520 --> 00:51:04,560
Speaker 2: up my nerves. And even in the beginning, I was like,

1092
00:51:04,600 --> 00:51:06,239
Speaker 2: this is like too good to be true or too

1093
00:51:06,800 --> 00:51:09,200
Speaker 2: like like this is like the like I was bracing

1094
00:51:09,239 --> 00:51:12,560
Speaker 2: myself for when the for when the honeymoon phase ended,

1095
00:51:12,600 --> 00:51:14,200
Speaker 2: you know, because he moved in. I was like, ugh,

1096
00:51:15,040 --> 00:51:17,520
Speaker 2: And but I told you this one time too. I'm like, yeah,

1097
00:51:17,600 --> 00:51:19,799
Speaker 2: but one thing I'll ask myself is like, but are

1098
00:51:19,840 --> 00:51:23,000
Speaker 2: you gonna do you want to live a life without him? Specifically?

1099
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:25,719
Speaker 2: And the answers always know, no matter what, like if

1100
00:51:25,880 --> 00:51:27,719
Speaker 2: I can't see my I still don't want to live

1101
00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:30,120
Speaker 2: without you, even if you fuck up, even if you

1102
00:51:30,160 --> 00:51:31,799
Speaker 2: do this, even if you said that thing, like, there

1103
00:51:31,800 --> 00:51:34,839
Speaker 2: have been challenging things and I realized it's easier for

1104
00:51:34,880 --> 00:51:37,960
Speaker 2: me to be like I'm good, and it's been a

1105
00:51:38,040 --> 00:51:42,000
Speaker 2: challenge to be in a relationship in ways I never know.

1106
00:51:42,080 --> 00:51:43,200
Speaker 2: You know, you want a relationship, it is gonna be

1107
00:51:43,200 --> 00:51:45,160
Speaker 2: so much eaier, gonna have support, But there's challenges that

1108
00:51:45,239 --> 00:51:47,680
Speaker 2: come that you know are all so required of you.

1109
00:51:47,920 --> 00:51:50,239
Speaker 2: Just because you find a partner and you find your

1110
00:51:50,239 --> 00:51:53,240
Speaker 2: soulmate doesn't mean the challenges stop coming and the healing

1111
00:51:53,239 --> 00:51:57,360
Speaker 2: and the evolution like ends, like everything doesn't become perfect.

1112
00:51:57,400 --> 00:52:01,399
Speaker 1: Well, it's like this toxic soulmate fucking narrative of like

1113
00:52:01,480 --> 00:52:03,880
Speaker 1: you meet this person. It's Instagram. You see these people

1114
00:52:03,880 --> 00:52:05,880
Speaker 1: and they're in love and they're like soulmates and they

1115
00:52:05,880 --> 00:52:07,799
Speaker 1: share their story and you're like, oh my god, it's

1116
00:52:07,840 --> 00:52:11,279
Speaker 1: so beautiful and then like then real life happens and

1117
00:52:11,320 --> 00:52:13,040
Speaker 1: that's when you realize is your soul is it your

1118
00:52:13,080 --> 00:52:16,640
Speaker 1: soulmate or is it your fucking lustmate? Or did you

1119
00:52:16,680 --> 00:52:19,520
Speaker 1: actually like love this person as a friend, Like can

1120
00:52:19,560 --> 00:52:22,879
Speaker 1: you work through all of the ups and downs? When

1121
00:52:22,880 --> 00:52:24,879
Speaker 1: they say marriage like is till death do us part?

1122
00:52:24,960 --> 00:52:27,840
Speaker 1: It's really like how much of fucking besties are you?

1123
00:52:28,200 --> 00:52:29,440
Speaker 1: That's what the fuck that means.

1124
00:52:29,320 --> 00:52:31,799
Speaker 2: I'm gonna have mind changed, like how much your.

1125
00:52:31,680 --> 00:52:33,440
Speaker 1: Mother's hocking bestie?

1126
00:52:33,440 --> 00:52:33,680
Speaker 2: Are you?

1127
00:52:33,840 --> 00:52:33,920
Speaker 4: Is?

1128
00:52:33,920 --> 00:52:36,960
Speaker 1: What do death till death do Us part? Means? It's

1129
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:44,120
Speaker 1: not this like romantic notion. It's really not that sexy,

1130
00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:46,960
Speaker 1: you know, And and it really comes when you when

1131
00:52:46,960 --> 00:52:48,960
Speaker 1: that is really when you're really faced with that. And

1132
00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:51,279
Speaker 1: I'm not married, so I can only imagine like what

1133
00:52:51,320 --> 00:52:53,920
Speaker 1: that what that vow feels like. But I mean, ultimately

1134
00:52:53,960 --> 00:52:57,600
Speaker 1: they're just words, But are you really that person's friend?

1135
00:52:57,840 --> 00:52:57,960
Speaker 2: Like?

1136
00:52:58,000 --> 00:52:59,920
Speaker 1: And then when I was talking to my friend who's

1137
00:53:00,120 --> 00:53:03,279
Speaker 1: you know, married again for the second time. She's in

1138
00:53:03,320 --> 00:53:08,399
Speaker 1: her fifties and has like four kids that are off

1139
00:53:08,400 --> 00:53:13,520
Speaker 1: to college, and she's lived a really like juicy life.

1140
00:53:13,960 --> 00:53:16,399
Speaker 1: I could just as Morgan Debond said about us don't

1141
00:53:16,400 --> 00:53:20,520
Speaker 1: know Who's now from the Stacks podcast, Oh right, Tracy

1142
00:53:20,600 --> 00:53:23,799
Speaker 1: said that, And she's lived a really fucking juicy life.

1143
00:53:23,800 --> 00:53:27,240
Speaker 1: This woman, she's a son. She've seen it all all types,

1144
00:53:27,480 --> 00:53:30,560
Speaker 1: celebrity types, regular people types.

1145
00:53:30,880 --> 00:53:32,719
Speaker 2: Like weirdos, nerds.

1146
00:53:33,640 --> 00:53:36,360
Speaker 1: And I asked her, I've been asking that too. I

1147
00:53:36,400 --> 00:53:38,399
Speaker 1: asked my grandmother too, Like yesterday, I've been like really

1148
00:53:38,560 --> 00:53:41,000
Speaker 1: curious about like talking to like that my elders and

1149
00:53:41,040 --> 00:53:44,760
Speaker 1: really understanding their perspective, because ultimately, I can be impulsive

1150
00:53:44,760 --> 00:53:46,320
Speaker 1: and I can make my choices right now as a

1151
00:53:46,360 --> 00:53:48,120
Speaker 1: thirty five year old, and this is all I know,

1152
00:53:48,239 --> 00:53:50,040
Speaker 1: and this is what I deserve, and this is the

1153
00:53:50,120 --> 00:53:52,520
Speaker 1: respect that I want. But like, what do you feel

1154
00:53:52,560 --> 00:53:55,240
Speaker 1: later on in life after you've done all the things

1155
00:53:55,239 --> 00:53:56,920
Speaker 1: and maybe you've done that and maybe you haven't.

1156
00:53:57,040 --> 00:53:59,120
Speaker 2: You know, like what about the things that you require?

1157
00:53:59,360 --> 00:54:01,200
Speaker 1: But the things you were choir and the things that

1158
00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:03,839
Speaker 1: like mattered when you were thirty five versus matters now.

1159
00:54:04,320 --> 00:54:06,880
Speaker 1: And granted, like everyone's you know, position is different on this,

1160
00:54:07,040 --> 00:54:10,359
Speaker 1: but you know, like with her, that was her thing.

1161
00:54:10,400 --> 00:54:15,160
Speaker 1: She was like, are there things that like are annoying

1162
00:54:15,200 --> 00:54:20,080
Speaker 1: that like I are not ideal that, yeah, but ultimately

1163
00:54:20,120 --> 00:54:22,520
Speaker 1: like that's my friend and I love him and he

1164
00:54:22,560 --> 00:54:25,840
Speaker 1: loves me and that's that and that's it. And I'm

1165
00:54:26,120 --> 00:54:27,680
Speaker 1: I don't want to be friends with anyone else. I'd

1166
00:54:27,760 --> 00:54:30,760
Speaker 1: rather be friending with this person versus anybody else, nesting

1167
00:54:30,800 --> 00:54:36,160
Speaker 1: friending or Yeah. I asked my grandmother what her biggest

1168
00:54:36,200 --> 00:54:43,680
Speaker 1: regret was in life, and she said getting married. I said, interesting,

1169
00:54:43,960 --> 00:54:45,239
Speaker 1: and I was like, do you think you just married

1170
00:54:45,239 --> 00:54:46,000
Speaker 1: the wrong people.

1171
00:54:46,600 --> 00:54:53,760
Speaker 2: And she's like, probably, then there's that marrying like I think,

1172
00:54:54,400 --> 00:55:00,440
Speaker 2: doing the steps, having the friendship, then the relationship really friendshiplationship.

1173
00:55:00,440 --> 00:55:03,120
Speaker 2: But then choosing marriage is so essential because a lot

1174
00:55:03,120 --> 00:55:06,040
Speaker 2: of people also choose marriage because it checks off the box,

1175
00:55:06,440 --> 00:55:07,839
Speaker 2: especially women and a lot of Well.

1176
00:55:07,760 --> 00:55:09,759
Speaker 1: She got married because she got pregnant. Because I asked

1177
00:55:09,760 --> 00:55:11,360
Speaker 1: her about why did you marry your first husband, She's like,

1178
00:55:11,360 --> 00:55:13,120
Speaker 1: I was pregnant. That's why I married.

1179
00:55:12,920 --> 00:55:16,040
Speaker 2: Him, because religion said.

1180
00:55:15,640 --> 00:55:20,839
Speaker 1: Because it was like nineteen fucking whatever, fifty eight and

1181
00:55:21,280 --> 00:55:25,360
Speaker 1: you can't be on weed and pregnant in twenty, you know.

1182
00:55:26,600 --> 00:55:29,000
Speaker 1: And then the second one was what was my grandfather?

1183
00:55:29,239 --> 00:55:33,680
Speaker 1: And she said he knew how to balance a check

1184
00:55:33,719 --> 00:55:36,600
Speaker 1: book because that was also the thing that she kept saying,

1185
00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:39,120
Speaker 1: like about things that she wished she knew or that

1186
00:55:39,160 --> 00:55:40,879
Speaker 1: she did more of. It was all related to money,

1187
00:55:40,920 --> 00:55:43,200
Speaker 1: which I was like, so money is something that like

1188
00:55:43,239 --> 00:55:45,600
Speaker 1: you've been do you feel stressed about, like you've felt

1189
00:55:45,600 --> 00:55:47,560
Speaker 1: stressed about your whole life, And she's like, I just

1190
00:55:47,800 --> 00:55:48,520
Speaker 1: it's important.

1191
00:55:49,120 --> 00:55:52,319
Speaker 2: You can't can't go around that. She's not lying. It

1192
00:55:52,360 --> 00:55:55,560
Speaker 2: is important. It's like so even that eighty five you

1193
00:55:55,680 --> 00:55:57,120
Speaker 2: realize money is still important.

1194
00:55:57,160 --> 00:56:01,080
Speaker 1: You need money, okay, And I said anything you regret,

1195
00:56:01,120 --> 00:56:02,600
Speaker 1: She's like, no, I did everything I wanted to do.

1196
00:56:02,960 --> 00:56:04,319
Speaker 1: She's like, if I didn't want to be married, I

1197
00:56:04,320 --> 00:56:06,600
Speaker 1: wasn't married. I want to move out. I moved out.

1198
00:56:06,719 --> 00:56:08,759
Speaker 1: I want to be My grandmother was an you know,

1199
00:56:08,880 --> 00:56:11,920
Speaker 1: interior designer. She just figured it out because she you know,

1200
00:56:12,239 --> 00:56:15,640
Speaker 1: needed a career. I did that, you know, and so

1201
00:56:15,840 --> 00:56:19,680
Speaker 1: I was like, that's cool to just also do that, Like, yeah,

1202
00:56:19,800 --> 00:56:21,840
Speaker 1: marriage maybe wasn't for her and she didn't find the

1203
00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:24,520
Speaker 1: husband's but ultimately she still chose herself. And that's where.

1204
00:56:24,560 --> 00:56:27,319
Speaker 1: That's where you have to trust yourself. Is that. That's

1205
00:56:27,320 --> 00:56:28,760
Speaker 1: where and that's where I think where I do trust

1206
00:56:28,760 --> 00:56:31,080
Speaker 1: myself is that like I'm always gonna I don't have

1207
00:56:31,120 --> 00:56:33,120
Speaker 1: a problem choosing myself, Like.

1208
00:56:33,080 --> 00:56:35,879
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, because because you've because you've done a lot

1209
00:56:35,880 --> 00:56:38,359
Speaker 2: of work. So it's you can't un choose yourself because.

1210
00:56:38,440 --> 00:56:40,120
Speaker 1: I don't know better. I don't have a Yeah, I

1211
00:56:40,160 --> 00:56:42,480
Speaker 1: don't have a problem choosing myself. I'm always going to

1212
00:56:42,560 --> 00:56:47,040
Speaker 1: do that. I do the friendship element. I think with

1213
00:56:47,160 --> 00:56:49,600
Speaker 1: men I have a problem with I'm not I don't

1214
00:56:49,600 --> 00:56:52,960
Speaker 1: have a lot of male. I really have friends that

1215
00:56:53,040 --> 00:56:54,720
Speaker 1: I know, but I don't have a lot of patience.

1216
00:56:54,719 --> 00:56:59,080
Speaker 1: I haven't had a lot of patience for male humanness.

1217
00:56:59,520 --> 00:57:02,239
Speaker 1: Like if you have some bullshit, get the fuck away

1218
00:57:02,239 --> 00:57:04,799
Speaker 1: from me. Oh that's some bullshit, you know what I mean?

1219
00:57:04,840 --> 00:57:08,440
Speaker 1: Like maybe like no, no, I haven't. I have not.

1220
00:57:08,719 --> 00:57:12,319
Speaker 1: And so I realized that, not just in this relationship,

1221
00:57:12,320 --> 00:57:14,160
Speaker 1: but just in general. I'm like, where does that come from?

1222
00:57:16,080 --> 00:57:19,120
Speaker 2: I just I feel so deeply that this chapter of

1223
00:57:19,160 --> 00:57:21,880
Speaker 2: our lives, like you know, we're in our mid thirties,

1224
00:57:22,040 --> 00:57:24,600
Speaker 2: We've you know, committed to this life of like evolving

1225
00:57:24,640 --> 00:57:30,120
Speaker 2: and growing and like self reflection, and there's really no

1226
00:57:30,160 --> 00:57:34,880
Speaker 2: getting around it. And we live in this realm of

1227
00:57:35,120 --> 00:57:38,480
Speaker 2: reality that is so fucked up it's not reality at all.

1228
00:57:38,960 --> 00:57:42,680
Speaker 2: And we become domesticated and socialized in this society that

1229
00:57:42,800 --> 00:57:46,320
Speaker 2: is very very skewed. This this is not real, and

1230
00:57:46,400 --> 00:57:51,000
Speaker 2: so we have to remember that a we are human

1231
00:57:51,360 --> 00:57:54,080
Speaker 2: and everyone outside of us is also human too, And

1232
00:57:54,480 --> 00:57:57,960
Speaker 2: a part of that is really like going inside and saying,

1233
00:57:58,000 --> 00:58:01,560
Speaker 2: like what am I carrying? What is what has poisoned

1234
00:58:01,600 --> 00:58:04,400
Speaker 2: me to like have filters, you know, like have less

1235
00:58:04,760 --> 00:58:09,640
Speaker 2: less uh empathy for people less, uh, you know, regard

1236
00:58:09,760 --> 00:58:12,200
Speaker 2: for people because I've chose like I've seen it this

1237
00:58:12,280 --> 00:58:14,960
Speaker 2: way or I'm tainted the trauma the healing, you know,

1238
00:58:15,040 --> 00:58:17,600
Speaker 2: even like you saying what you asked your grandmother, Like

1239
00:58:17,840 --> 00:58:21,960
Speaker 2: I'm just thinking last year this time I was. I

1240
00:58:22,000 --> 00:58:24,720
Speaker 2: went to the trip and with my grandmother to fucking

1241
00:58:25,160 --> 00:58:28,880
Speaker 2: North Carolina, South North Carolina to some like random peninsula

1242
00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:32,680
Speaker 2: or whatever, haunted house, some honted house because she insisted

1243
00:58:32,720 --> 00:58:34,080
Speaker 2: that we can do like a family trip every year.

1244
00:58:34,080 --> 00:58:37,800
Speaker 2: I don't know why she chose this place, but I uh,

1245
00:58:37,880 --> 00:58:40,040
Speaker 2: there was questions. I wanted to record asking her because

1246
00:58:40,040 --> 00:58:41,560
Speaker 2: the Laundra told us have that up. We had the

1247
00:58:41,600 --> 00:58:42,840
Speaker 2: episode with the Laundra and I was like, I'll just

1248
00:58:42,920 --> 00:58:45,240
Speaker 2: do it next year. And you know, like she just

1249
00:58:45,360 --> 00:58:49,200
Speaker 2: she passed, She transitioned. And it's just like Anne I

1250
00:58:49,280 --> 00:58:52,640
Speaker 2: was talking about after that trip, mortality and that like

1251
00:58:52,720 --> 00:58:55,960
Speaker 2: realizing people are getting older and that like we don't

1252
00:58:56,000 --> 00:58:59,720
Speaker 2: have this life forever, and like she passed kind of

1253
00:59:00,040 --> 00:59:02,720
Speaker 2: expectedly because she was like kicking it her grant. Her

1254
00:59:02,760 --> 00:59:06,520
Speaker 2: sister died a week after that. And I've just been

1255
00:59:06,600 --> 00:59:09,520
Speaker 2: like and like I physically saw like the like her

1256
00:59:09,600 --> 00:59:15,920
Speaker 2: spirit leave the body like I've never been around like this,

1257
00:59:16,080 --> 00:59:19,520
Speaker 2: like meat suit and then seeing the like the like

1258
00:59:19,600 --> 00:59:24,360
Speaker 2: how the spirit actually slowly leaves and then like touching

1259
00:59:24,360 --> 00:59:27,760
Speaker 2: her after and like it feeling like it's it's a soup,

1260
00:59:28,760 --> 00:59:31,360
Speaker 2: you know, essentially, like we a sack, it's a sack

1261
00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:36,080
Speaker 2: of skin, and you know, and I feel like regret

1262
00:59:36,120 --> 00:59:38,840
Speaker 2: obviously for not having those conversations and asking certain things.

1263
00:59:39,360 --> 00:59:41,360
Speaker 2: And my grandmother lived, Like one time she told me,

1264
00:59:41,400 --> 00:59:42,760
Speaker 2: like I was like, should I go out? We were?

1265
00:59:43,000 --> 00:59:45,479
Speaker 2: She was like, you know, like sleep when you're dead

1266
00:59:46,360 --> 00:59:48,600
Speaker 2: because what she told me, and she we've discussed her

1267
00:59:48,640 --> 00:59:51,920
Speaker 2: death very often and like she was comfortable with like

1268
00:59:52,080 --> 00:59:56,160
Speaker 2: the transition, which made it easier for me. But even

1269
00:59:56,240 --> 00:59:59,760
Speaker 2: though she lived, she traveled, she was married a couple times,

1270
00:59:59,840 --> 01:00:04,800
Speaker 2: like I saw where there's still root, like anger, hurt,

1271
01:00:05,360 --> 01:00:07,959
Speaker 2: it would come out and lash out in ways, and

1272
01:00:08,000 --> 01:00:11,640
Speaker 2: like even with my own mother, you know, the humanness,

1273
01:00:12,080 --> 01:00:14,640
Speaker 2: And I realize so much of that is from just

1274
01:00:14,840 --> 01:00:19,800
Speaker 2: unresolved shit that we refuse to pull up and look

1275
01:00:19,840 --> 01:00:23,320
Speaker 2: at and examine and say this makes me uncomfortable or

1276
01:00:23,400 --> 01:00:25,480
Speaker 2: like and sometimes you won't even know it's there.

1277
01:00:25,600 --> 01:00:27,200
Speaker 1: That's what I say. A lot of times you don't

1278
01:00:27,240 --> 01:00:28,360
Speaker 1: even know it's there.

1279
01:00:28,280 --> 01:00:30,640
Speaker 2: But you have to be willing to look at things

1280
01:00:30,680 --> 01:00:33,160
Speaker 2: and be like, oh god, that's me, that's not that's ugly,

1281
01:00:33,360 --> 01:00:38,160
Speaker 2: you know. And just like a part of living this

1282
01:00:38,320 --> 01:00:42,800
Speaker 2: life differently as women, I think living this life and

1283
01:00:43,160 --> 01:00:47,040
Speaker 2: like to honor our ancestors is really taking advantage of

1284
01:00:47,080 --> 01:00:50,880
Speaker 2: the freedom we have to heal and taking advantage of

1285
01:00:50,920 --> 01:00:53,320
Speaker 2: like looking at ourselves and saying, how can I grow?

1286
01:00:53,480 --> 01:00:55,760
Speaker 2: You know, how can I look like do things differently?

1287
01:00:56,320 --> 01:01:00,640
Speaker 2: And like just choosing yourself is so fucking import that

1288
01:01:00,760 --> 01:01:05,400
Speaker 2: and just like even having an attachment to living is

1289
01:01:05,720 --> 01:01:09,640
Speaker 2: stupid because we don't die, no choice, we don't die,

1290
01:01:10,160 --> 01:01:14,200
Speaker 2: and we all go and we're still probably swimming and

1291
01:01:14,440 --> 01:01:17,080
Speaker 2: flying and the ethers together and this is such a

1292
01:01:17,160 --> 01:01:20,000
Speaker 2: like profound experience. We probably did a few a lot

1293
01:01:20,000 --> 01:01:24,960
Speaker 2: of cycles. But just as women, you know, just honoring ourselves,

1294
01:01:24,960 --> 01:01:28,520
Speaker 2: our intuition, our humanness, each other's humanness and leading with

1295
01:01:28,560 --> 01:01:30,560
Speaker 2: that and not to say except everyone, because people if

1296
01:01:30,600 --> 01:01:33,840
Speaker 2: some people don't deserve your your attachment and your attention

1297
01:01:34,080 --> 01:01:36,560
Speaker 2: and your energy because we don't have a lot of time.

1298
01:01:37,200 --> 01:01:43,000
Speaker 2: But just like what she want to do is important,

1299
01:01:43,600 --> 01:01:44,360
Speaker 2: No it's true.

1300
01:01:44,640 --> 01:01:46,400
Speaker 1: It's true. But you just reminded me that I did

1301
01:01:46,440 --> 01:01:49,200
Speaker 1: record my grandfather and I need to record my grandmother.

1302
01:01:49,640 --> 01:01:51,520
Speaker 1: But that's why it actually came up yesterday when I

1303
01:01:51,560 --> 01:01:52,800
Speaker 1: was thinking, when I was talking to her and I

1304
01:01:52,840 --> 01:01:54,480
Speaker 1: was watched I was looking at her. I'm just saying,

1305
01:01:55,000 --> 01:01:59,400
Speaker 1: she's she is at she's nearing the end of her life.

1306
01:01:59,480 --> 01:02:01,960
Speaker 1: Not that there's some than going wrong, but like she is,

1307
01:02:02,160 --> 01:02:06,160
Speaker 1: you know, And I'm just like so curious to know

1308
01:02:06,680 --> 01:02:11,200
Speaker 1: what you in this lifetime and this iteration of your

1309
01:02:11,360 --> 01:02:14,840
Speaker 1: that your soul, like what are your regrets? What is

1310
01:02:14,880 --> 01:02:17,200
Speaker 1: the most successful thing you did? Like what are you

1311
01:02:17,280 --> 01:02:17,960
Speaker 1: most proud of?

1312
01:02:18,720 --> 01:02:19,280
Speaker 2: Right? You know?

1313
01:02:19,680 --> 01:02:22,360
Speaker 1: And because I think it ultimately like it's almost like

1314
01:02:22,400 --> 01:02:24,760
Speaker 1: it's the cheak code for us that she code for me,

1315
01:02:24,880 --> 01:02:29,439
Speaker 1: especially she is my ancestor in ways, and she's still

1316
01:02:29,480 --> 01:02:30,000
Speaker 1: here with me.

1317
01:02:30,400 --> 01:02:33,439
Speaker 2: You know, what information can I get or know about

1318
01:02:33,440 --> 01:02:36,680
Speaker 2: myself or learn about myself from having these conversations even

1319
01:02:36,760 --> 01:02:38,400
Speaker 2: like we had a we were interviewing some of our

1320
01:02:38,440 --> 01:02:43,919
Speaker 2: audience because we're we're in a business coach program because

1321
01:02:43,920 --> 01:02:46,880
Speaker 2: we're trying to be better businesswomen, and we're interviewing some

1322
01:02:47,000 --> 01:02:49,440
Speaker 2: of our audience and someone was like, yeah, I just

1323
01:02:49,480 --> 01:02:51,160
Speaker 2: want I love like your freedom. I just want to

1324
01:02:51,160 --> 01:02:53,080
Speaker 2: hang out with you guys. And I was like, really,

1325
01:02:53,120 --> 01:02:55,680
Speaker 2: I want to cuddle. Someone else said they wanted to cuddle.

1326
01:02:55,800 --> 01:02:58,720
Speaker 2: I love that. God, I love that so much. I

1327
01:02:58,760 --> 01:03:01,040
Speaker 2: was like, I can do that. Where do you live?

1328
01:03:01,600 --> 01:03:04,440
Speaker 2: Just come to the retreat. Yeah, well honestly we will cud,

1329
01:03:08,560 --> 01:03:11,680
Speaker 2: Like what is going on over there? That's it cuddles.

1330
01:03:11,680 --> 01:03:12,439
Speaker 1: Don't know where ship.

1331
01:03:12,920 --> 01:03:14,360
Speaker 2: And she was just like, you know, I see my

1332
01:03:14,440 --> 01:03:16,880
Speaker 2: mom and my grandma and I'm like, I'm not going

1333
01:03:16,960 --> 01:03:18,840
Speaker 2: to be like that, like they don't seem happy. And

1334
01:03:18,880 --> 01:03:22,560
Speaker 2: I was just like, whoa. I felt that because sometimes

1335
01:03:22,600 --> 01:03:25,160
Speaker 2: I just see like and then we excuse older women,

1336
01:03:25,520 --> 01:03:27,640
Speaker 2: you know, like oh she's Aggie and like you know

1337
01:03:27,680 --> 01:03:30,440
Speaker 2: they're straight and their forward, but like sometimes it's just

1338
01:03:30,560 --> 01:03:33,480
Speaker 2: like what is wrong with you? And we see it.

1339
01:03:33,680 --> 01:03:36,000
Speaker 2: We see the joy in children. You notice that, like

1340
01:03:36,080 --> 01:03:38,640
Speaker 2: leave and look at age. You see the pure bliss

1341
01:03:38,680 --> 01:03:43,560
Speaker 2: in children, because it's before life has fucking toxified you

1342
01:03:43,720 --> 01:03:48,680
Speaker 2: with bullshit and like sadness and reality because like and

1343
01:03:48,760 --> 01:03:53,840
Speaker 2: so there's this inner anger hardness that happens. Yes, and

1344
01:03:53,880 --> 01:03:56,960
Speaker 2: it's like, how do we hold on to that childlike love,

1345
01:03:57,160 --> 01:04:00,480
Speaker 2: that bliss, you know what I mean, and like it's you.

1346
01:04:00,480 --> 01:04:03,480
Speaker 1: Have to I don't know. I think some people are

1347
01:04:03,480 --> 01:04:05,600
Speaker 1: gifted in the way that they can I think that

1348
01:04:05,760 --> 01:04:07,680
Speaker 1: for the most part, we don't, I mean can't we

1349
01:04:07,880 --> 01:04:10,080
Speaker 1: not only that we can't. For the most part we don't.

1350
01:04:10,360 --> 01:04:12,560
Speaker 1: What we what we can do is fight to get

1351
01:04:12,600 --> 01:04:15,080
Speaker 1: it back and have to fight to get it back

1352
01:04:15,120 --> 01:04:17,600
Speaker 1: because everything around us is going to tell us that

1353
01:04:17,640 --> 01:04:19,880
Speaker 1: we can't do those things and that we shouldn't do

1354
01:04:19,920 --> 01:04:22,480
Speaker 1: those things and that's irresponsible, or that's for kids, or

1355
01:04:22,520 --> 01:04:25,840
Speaker 1: those days are done, or god, you're weird, you're silly,

1356
01:04:26,400 --> 01:04:28,720
Speaker 1: like you know. And one thing I will say is

1357
01:04:28,760 --> 01:04:30,600
Speaker 1: like the people that are living their life for them

1358
01:04:30,680 --> 01:04:33,200
Speaker 1: and really don't give a fuck, look the best. Of

1359
01:04:33,280 --> 01:04:34,640
Speaker 1: course they look the best.

1360
01:04:34,760 --> 01:04:35,760
Speaker 2: Just say, give zero fucks.

1361
01:04:35,800 --> 01:04:38,120
Speaker 1: They give zero fucks, and they look young. And yeah,

1362
01:04:38,160 --> 01:04:39,919
Speaker 1: granted they might have hurt some people along the way,

1363
01:04:39,960 --> 01:04:42,400
Speaker 1: because there is a messiness in that. If you're not

1364
01:04:42,480 --> 01:04:44,880
Speaker 1: if you don't have it fucking together in ways, and

1365
01:04:44,960 --> 01:04:48,200
Speaker 1: you haven't really explored why certain parts of yourself and

1366
01:04:48,240 --> 01:04:50,320
Speaker 1: why maybe you do need to grow up in certain ways.

1367
01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:54,920
Speaker 1: But I think that there is I think that for

1368
01:04:55,000 --> 01:04:56,960
Speaker 1: the most part, people do lose that I would say

1369
01:04:57,040 --> 01:04:59,560
Speaker 1: ninety nine percent of people do. Wow. There are those

1370
01:04:59,560 --> 01:05:01,720
Speaker 1: one percent, though, and those are the ones that everyone's like,

1371
01:05:01,880 --> 01:05:02,840
Speaker 1: she's a weird bitch.

1372
01:05:02,920 --> 01:05:04,920
Speaker 2: Oh, right, of course, Oh she's so weird. Yeah, But

1373
01:05:04,960 --> 01:05:09,479
Speaker 2: there's also I think, like, honestly, I'm so I'm happy

1374
01:05:09,560 --> 01:05:11,360
Speaker 2: that I'm so happy I went on this Tanto retreat

1375
01:05:11,360 --> 01:05:13,680
Speaker 2: before going on our retreat, because I feel like my

1376
01:05:13,760 --> 01:05:16,480
Speaker 2: cup is so full, and I feel like there has

1377
01:05:16,560 --> 01:05:18,920
Speaker 2: to be practice. You have to practice. You have to

1378
01:05:18,960 --> 01:05:22,520
Speaker 2: have a practice in order to choose joy. In a

1379
01:05:22,600 --> 01:05:26,400
Speaker 2: world like this. You have to choose joy. You don't

1380
01:05:26,440 --> 01:05:28,520
Speaker 2: just wake up with it every day, because there is

1381
01:05:28,720 --> 01:05:31,680
Speaker 2: real fear of not having money, of not having food,

1382
01:05:31,680 --> 01:05:34,080
Speaker 2: that the government is fucking our food, that we all

1383
01:05:34,080 --> 01:05:36,000
Speaker 2: types of shit, we didn't do our passport. All these

1384
01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:39,840
Speaker 2: fake lies will like take away our joy. And you

1385
01:05:39,920 --> 01:05:42,360
Speaker 2: have to have this practice. And I just in this retreat,

1386
01:05:42,560 --> 01:05:49,200
Speaker 2: in this container, I experienced things, of course come up,

1387
01:05:49,240 --> 01:05:52,640
Speaker 2: but I experienced a community and a practice that allows

1388
01:05:52,680 --> 01:05:55,200
Speaker 2: the things to come up and then encourages you to

1389
01:05:55,280 --> 01:05:58,640
Speaker 2: examine them and dig down and be gentle with yourself.

1390
01:05:58,680 --> 01:06:00,560
Speaker 2: And ask what is this poison? And then how what

1391
01:06:00,640 --> 01:06:03,160
Speaker 2: are the practices that I've learned in order to remove

1392
01:06:03,200 --> 01:06:05,120
Speaker 2: it or dissolve it and move through it? And every

1393
01:06:05,120 --> 01:06:07,960
Speaker 2: time something comes up, it happens, you know, like you

1394
01:06:08,000 --> 01:06:09,920
Speaker 2: could just really you could either choose to ignore it

1395
01:06:10,240 --> 01:06:12,479
Speaker 2: or you just dive right deep into it and it's okay,

1396
01:06:12,560 --> 01:06:15,400
Speaker 2: like to have feelings around it. And all these practices

1397
01:06:15,480 --> 01:06:19,160
Speaker 2: that really teach us to look at things and then

1398
01:06:19,240 --> 01:06:21,919
Speaker 2: either you know, dissolve them, release them, and like even

1399
01:06:22,040 --> 01:06:24,520
Speaker 2: use pleasure as like an antidote a medicine for it.

1400
01:06:24,600 --> 01:06:27,400
Speaker 2: But we are not taught, and we're not you know

1401
01:06:27,560 --> 01:06:30,800
Speaker 2: can like, yeah, we're not taught and finding practice to

1402
01:06:31,000 --> 01:06:33,880
Speaker 2: choose joy. And one of the things I learned about

1403
01:06:33,880 --> 01:06:35,680
Speaker 2: this at this place is like there were so many

1404
01:06:35,680 --> 01:06:38,440
Speaker 2: different types of people, people from Canada, from Idaho shout

1405
01:06:38,440 --> 01:06:41,480
Speaker 2: out to Like I had made up so many friends

1406
01:06:41,520 --> 01:06:43,680
Speaker 2: that I probably would have never ever made friends with,

1407
01:06:44,200 --> 01:06:48,600
Speaker 2: and hearing trauma and stories that I was like, oh,

1408
01:06:48,680 --> 01:06:51,640
Speaker 2: my fucking god, a pitch and you're still laughing, and

1409
01:06:51,840 --> 01:06:56,840
Speaker 2: like and like Maryanne, like my friend in Idaho who

1410
01:06:56,960 --> 01:06:58,760
Speaker 2: grew up Mormon and was telling me how like the

1411
01:06:58,760 --> 01:07:01,760
Speaker 2: bishop asked, like asks the people, like have you been

1412
01:07:01,760 --> 01:07:04,520
Speaker 2: masturbating lately? Like the kids go alone in this room

1413
01:07:04,760 --> 01:07:08,960
Speaker 2: with the Mormon bishops and they're like harassing them about masturbation,

1414
01:07:10,520 --> 01:07:12,720
Speaker 2: and like why he pulled out some pictures that someone

1415
01:07:12,720 --> 01:07:16,040
Speaker 2: had sent like all this crazy, horrible things that go

1416
01:07:16,080 --> 01:07:17,960
Speaker 2: on in these communities and that's just like such a

1417
01:07:18,320 --> 01:07:22,480
Speaker 2: small percentage of the trauma that it is created in

1418
01:07:22,520 --> 01:07:25,960
Speaker 2: our society period. But like she was joyous and happy,

1419
01:07:26,000 --> 01:07:28,480
Speaker 2: and even Devi, who's the owner of the school and

1420
01:07:28,640 --> 01:07:32,760
Speaker 2: authentic Tantra, and she's so joyous like a child, like

1421
01:07:32,800 --> 01:07:37,160
Speaker 2: a baby. But there's just you know, you we all

1422
01:07:37,440 --> 01:07:42,480
Speaker 2: have to literally choose joy, choose to look at ourselves

1423
01:07:42,560 --> 01:07:44,400
Speaker 2: and the things that happen to us and the people

1424
01:07:44,400 --> 01:07:47,480
Speaker 2: that fuck us and release that shit in order to

1425
01:07:47,560 --> 01:07:49,840
Speaker 2: choose joy and make the best out of this very

1426
01:07:49,880 --> 01:07:52,400
Speaker 2: short life that we have, in order to make space

1427
01:07:52,800 --> 01:07:55,200
Speaker 2: for pleasure and to be filled with that and just

1428
01:07:55,240 --> 01:07:57,280
Speaker 2: say no, I'm not I don't want that bullshit fuck that.

1429
01:07:58,800 --> 01:08:01,760
Speaker 1: I'm happy you said that that word practice because I

1430
01:08:01,800 --> 01:08:04,520
Speaker 1: realize for me specifically, and this might not be for everyone,

1431
01:08:04,600 --> 01:08:07,280
Speaker 1: but I need practices in order to find the joy

1432
01:08:08,000 --> 01:08:11,880
Speaker 1: like I actually like I was supposed to be a

1433
01:08:11,960 --> 01:08:14,040
Speaker 1: herd coach. Right now, I know I'm late. They're gonna

1434
01:08:14,120 --> 01:08:20,960
Speaker 1: kill me. I have to be in practice of something,

1435
01:08:21,160 --> 01:08:26,479
Speaker 1: whether that's movement, whether that's eating well, whether that's actually

1436
01:08:27,120 --> 01:08:30,960
Speaker 1: fucking like having practice, whether that's like doing reaking on

1437
01:08:30,960 --> 01:08:35,360
Speaker 1: myself every morning and every night. I feel like a

1438
01:08:35,960 --> 01:08:39,880
Speaker 1: highly functional, happy person when I'm doing that. I can

1439
01:08:39,960 --> 01:08:42,679
Speaker 1: feel like yessterday, when I'm spiraling on Instagram, it's because

1440
01:08:42,680 --> 01:08:45,240
Speaker 1: I haven't been in practice of shit. I've just been working,

1441
01:08:46,120 --> 01:08:49,040
Speaker 1: like trying to get shit done. That is like the

1442
01:08:49,160 --> 01:08:52,120
Speaker 1: sure way to make me unhappy and will make me

1443
01:08:52,160 --> 01:08:54,519
Speaker 1: start questioning the work that I do that makes me

1444
01:08:54,560 --> 01:08:57,559
Speaker 1: happy because I'm not also in practice of like it's

1445
01:08:57,600 --> 01:08:59,840
Speaker 1: self care essentially, you know, or just paying attention to

1446
01:08:59,840 --> 01:09:03,120
Speaker 1: your I'm not actively paying attention to myself. I'm paying

1447
01:09:03,160 --> 01:09:04,800
Speaker 1: attention to everything that's outside of me.

1448
01:09:04,920 --> 01:09:06,679
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's a sure way to disaster.

1449
01:09:06,920 --> 01:09:09,080
Speaker 1: So then when you're telling me I should choose happiness,

1450
01:09:09,120 --> 01:09:11,080
Speaker 1: like I haven't even chosen myself. How the fuck am

1451
01:09:11,080 --> 01:09:13,519
Speaker 1: I supposed to choose happiness. I've even paid attention to

1452
01:09:13,520 --> 01:09:17,680
Speaker 1: myself in weeks, you know, And so I know that

1453
01:09:17,880 --> 01:09:20,040
Speaker 1: like that for me, that's what I need. Some people

1454
01:09:20,040 --> 01:09:22,120
Speaker 1: that's not what they need for to choose you know,

1455
01:09:22,200 --> 01:09:24,320
Speaker 1: happiness or whatever. Some people just need to be around,

1456
01:09:24,600 --> 01:09:26,679
Speaker 1: be out and about and like that's how they recharge

1457
01:09:26,720 --> 01:09:27,679
Speaker 1: and that's what breaks them.

1458
01:09:27,600 --> 01:09:28,080
Speaker 2: Joy, you know.

1459
01:09:28,960 --> 01:09:33,200
Speaker 1: So I encourage you, not you, but whoever's listening and

1460
01:09:33,280 --> 01:09:36,639
Speaker 1: you and me to really like think about, like write,

1461
01:09:36,640 --> 01:09:38,960
Speaker 1: what is it that makes you? What is it that

1462
01:09:39,000 --> 01:09:40,920
Speaker 1: would make you be able to choose joy every day?

1463
01:09:41,000 --> 01:09:41,400
Speaker 2: What is it?

1464
01:09:41,479 --> 01:09:44,080
Speaker 1: What are the things that you would need in order

1465
01:09:44,640 --> 01:09:47,559
Speaker 1: to do that? Like what is the perfect set of

1466
01:09:48,120 --> 01:09:53,720
Speaker 1: things or experiences or people? Yeah, people, or like what

1467
01:09:53,840 --> 01:09:56,200
Speaker 1: is that you know? Because I think we haven't even

1468
01:09:56,200 --> 01:09:58,160
Speaker 1: thought about that. Sometimes it's kind of just like when

1469
01:09:58,240 --> 01:09:59,639
Speaker 1: you're kind of just shooting in the.

1470
01:09:59,640 --> 01:10:01,600
Speaker 2: Dark and then you're like fuck you wake up, or

1471
01:10:01,640 --> 01:10:04,160
Speaker 2: you're not happy, or you have that moment where you're like, damn,

1472
01:10:04,160 --> 01:10:06,120
Speaker 2: I am being a bitch or why am I being sure?

1473
01:10:06,240 --> 01:10:09,760
Speaker 2: If you even have that moment, but it's because you

1474
01:10:09,840 --> 01:10:12,040
Speaker 2: haven't even paid attention to your body, how you feel

1475
01:10:12,320 --> 01:10:14,040
Speaker 2: you can. You don't know what makes you happy because

1476
01:10:14,040 --> 01:10:16,160
Speaker 2: you haven't tapped into it. So everything is going to

1477
01:10:16,200 --> 01:10:19,240
Speaker 2: make you unhappy and not have pleasure because you haven't

1478
01:10:19,280 --> 01:10:21,760
Speaker 2: even said, wait, what brings me present? What brings me

1479
01:10:21,840 --> 01:10:23,960
Speaker 2: pleasure and presence? And what can I eliminate?

1480
01:10:24,800 --> 01:10:27,439
Speaker 1: And also when you do write these things down, you

1481
01:10:27,479 --> 01:10:29,360
Speaker 1: start to create a toolbox that you can go back

1482
01:10:29,400 --> 01:10:30,920
Speaker 1: to when you do wake up and you feel like

1483
01:10:30,920 --> 01:10:33,400
Speaker 1: in a fucked up mood. Like for me, like yesterday

1484
01:10:33,439 --> 01:10:35,000
Speaker 1: when I was spiral ing, I was like, bitch, what

1485
01:10:35,040 --> 01:10:36,160
Speaker 1: the fuck is wrong with you? And I was like,

1486
01:10:36,160 --> 01:10:37,519
Speaker 1: what hol to hold a hold up? What do I

1487
01:10:37,560 --> 01:10:37,920
Speaker 1: need to do?

1488
01:10:38,600 --> 01:10:39,080
Speaker 2: What?

1489
01:10:39,080 --> 01:10:41,960
Speaker 1: What is like one thing in my toolbox for lack

1490
01:10:42,000 --> 01:10:44,559
Speaker 1: of a better word, that I can pull out that

1491
01:10:44,640 --> 01:10:46,160
Speaker 1: is going to like take the edge off of me

1492
01:10:46,280 --> 01:10:47,439
Speaker 1: right now? And I was like, let me go for

1493
01:10:47,520 --> 01:10:49,960
Speaker 1: a run, even though I don't want to, even I

1494
01:10:50,080 --> 01:10:52,200
Speaker 1: fucking don't want to, you know. And I did it.

1495
01:10:52,240 --> 01:10:54,639
Speaker 1: And then I was like, Okay, not one hundred percent,

1496
01:10:55,080 --> 01:10:58,519
Speaker 1: but we're nine we're like ten percent edge off, you know,

1497
01:10:58,600 --> 01:11:01,240
Speaker 1: like so being able to know what the those things are,

1498
01:11:01,280 --> 01:11:03,479
Speaker 1: so you're just not every day waking up like fuck this,

1499
01:11:03,640 --> 01:11:05,880
Speaker 1: fuck this, fuck this, fuck this, and you're like, bitch,

1500
01:11:05,880 --> 01:11:07,240
Speaker 1: that's because you don't know what makes you happy?

1501
01:11:07,240 --> 01:11:07,519
Speaker 2: At all.

1502
01:11:08,479 --> 01:11:12,240
Speaker 1: So figure that out, write down, use that shit when

1503
01:11:12,280 --> 01:11:13,400
Speaker 1: you feel stressed the fuck out.

1504
01:11:14,760 --> 01:11:16,640
Speaker 2: You have to. You have to. And some of the

1505
01:11:16,680 --> 01:11:18,920
Speaker 2: things are going to seem ridiculous. Some of the things

1506
01:11:18,960 --> 01:11:21,519
Speaker 2: that you find are in medicine are the most basic shit.

1507
01:11:22,240 --> 01:11:24,920
Speaker 2: And there was a few times at the retreat I

1508
01:11:24,960 --> 01:11:26,880
Speaker 2: was like, oh my god, this might be a cult,

1509
01:11:27,040 --> 01:11:29,040
Speaker 2: but then it wasn't. It was just that it's the

1510
01:11:30,200 --> 01:11:33,360
Speaker 2: ways to freedom and the ways to practice and like

1511
01:11:33,720 --> 01:11:37,760
Speaker 2: moving your body, you know, meditate, there's be silent, shut

1512
01:11:37,800 --> 01:11:41,760
Speaker 2: the fuck up, listen to your body, breathe. It's like

1513
01:11:42,120 --> 01:11:44,640
Speaker 2: so basic, but then you do it and you know,

1514
01:11:44,680 --> 01:11:46,640
Speaker 2: and other people are committed to doing it and it

1515
01:11:46,680 --> 01:11:49,800
Speaker 2: seems so foreign and it's not. You know, it's just.

1516
01:11:50,080 --> 01:11:52,479
Speaker 1: It's really simple. You'd be surprised that the things that

1517
01:11:52,600 --> 01:11:54,920
Speaker 1: you need to make yourself happy you don't need to

1518
01:11:55,000 --> 01:11:58,040
Speaker 1: go shopping, you don't need those are cool Sometimes that

1519
01:11:58,080 --> 01:11:58,519
Speaker 1: helps too.

1520
01:11:58,520 --> 01:11:59,920
Speaker 2: That's like I always like to go eat and have

1521
01:12:00,040 --> 01:12:00,479
Speaker 2: a drink.

1522
01:12:00,960 --> 01:12:06,439
Speaker 1: You know, well, also what are you putting in your body?

1523
01:12:06,520 --> 01:12:08,040
Speaker 1: Because yeah, I can eat and have a drink and

1524
01:12:08,040 --> 01:12:10,559
Speaker 1: all those things, but like, are those things that you

1525
01:12:10,680 --> 01:12:13,080
Speaker 1: make you happy to like? Then also like in the

1526
01:12:13,160 --> 01:12:17,439
Speaker 1: long term, deteriorating yourself towards your ultimate happiness. I mean.

1527
01:12:17,760 --> 01:12:20,120
Speaker 2: And also I had a moment like this at the retreat.

1528
01:12:20,200 --> 01:12:22,800
Speaker 2: Something happened. It was kind of like a little bit stressful,

1529
01:12:22,880 --> 01:12:25,200
Speaker 2: and I was like, hey, Marianne, you want to go

1530
01:12:25,200 --> 01:12:29,200
Speaker 2: get a drink when you get something fried? And she's

1531
01:12:29,240 --> 01:12:31,160
Speaker 2: like okay. Everyone else's like no, I think I'm just

1532
01:12:31,160 --> 01:12:33,519
Speaker 2: going to meditate. I was like, I'm an alcoholic and

1533
01:12:33,560 --> 01:12:36,000
Speaker 2: then I got there and I was like, no, not alcoholic.

1534
01:12:36,120 --> 01:12:41,800
Speaker 2: This is what brings me pleasure. Me and Marianne you're like, whoa,

1535
01:12:41,920 --> 01:12:44,000
Speaker 2: you know. And then and then there's that, and then

1536
01:12:44,040 --> 01:12:47,000
Speaker 2: there's balance, and that's another thing. It's just like everything's

1537
01:12:47,000 --> 01:12:49,479
Speaker 2: with balance. It's not it's not bad or good. There's

1538
01:12:49,520 --> 01:12:53,240
Speaker 2: no good or bad. It's just balance. You know. What

1539
01:12:53,360 --> 01:12:55,640
Speaker 2: is it like in what moment that brings you the

1540
01:12:55,640 --> 01:12:57,120
Speaker 2: things that you need? And you have to be in

1541
01:12:57,120 --> 01:13:03,719
Speaker 2: touch with yourself to figure out what the fuck that is? Well?

1542
01:13:05,479 --> 01:13:08,720
Speaker 2: Do you want men to talk about my Mayoni massage

1543
01:13:08,800 --> 01:13:09,960
Speaker 2: for a hori? Oh?

1544
01:13:10,080 --> 01:13:11,560
Speaker 1: Yeah? Did you get what? No?

1545
01:13:11,720 --> 01:13:12,400
Speaker 2: I was just there?

1546
01:13:12,560 --> 01:13:22,679
Speaker 4: Oh oho stories yeah, So okay.

1547
01:13:22,680 --> 01:13:25,240
Speaker 1: So Mielia went on this retreat want this Tantra retreat.

1548
01:13:25,560 --> 01:13:28,479
Speaker 1: She's an authentic Tantra school and she at the retreat

1549
01:13:28,479 --> 01:13:33,560
Speaker 1: you get hands on experience well like yeah, demonstration, demonstrations

1550
01:13:33,600 --> 01:13:37,200
Speaker 1: and hands on experience like practicing. So Tantra is like

1551
01:13:37,400 --> 01:13:39,680
Speaker 1: the I feel like, the study of really pleasure in

1552
01:13:39,720 --> 01:13:44,120
Speaker 1: all of its forms and including obviously sexually, like sexual

1553
01:13:44,160 --> 01:13:48,000
Speaker 1: pleasure and even the trauma and things we store in

1554
01:13:48,040 --> 01:13:48,639
Speaker 1: our bodies.

1555
01:13:49,600 --> 01:13:51,080
Speaker 2: So what are you saying?

1556
01:13:51,120 --> 01:13:53,120
Speaker 1: Continues, Oh, I was just letting the people know in

1557
01:13:53,120 --> 01:13:55,280
Speaker 1: case they didn't know. Like, I mean, I know you've

1558
01:13:55,280 --> 01:13:56,920
Speaker 1: mentioned that you went to a retreat, but like what

1559
01:13:57,040 --> 01:14:00,360
Speaker 1: is actually happening at these retreats so that they just

1560
01:14:00,360 --> 01:14:02,679
Speaker 1: think you want on a retreat and we're getting Yoni

1561
01:14:02,720 --> 01:14:03,960
Speaker 1: mapped and shit, Like what is that?

1562
01:14:04,880 --> 01:14:07,640
Speaker 2: So the retreat is essentially it's not a retreat, it's

1563
01:14:07,640 --> 01:14:10,680
Speaker 2: an intensive it's an embodiment because we've been studying for

1564
01:14:10,720 --> 01:14:13,519
Speaker 2: a year and like I said, there's movement involved, there's breath.

1565
01:14:14,280 --> 01:14:17,200
Speaker 2: It's a Tibetan practice that's been around for thousands of

1566
01:14:17,280 --> 01:14:21,320
Speaker 2: years and so it's it's been mostly transferred orally and

1567
01:14:21,360 --> 01:14:23,479
Speaker 2: she's like the first person to ever write it in books.

1568
01:14:23,680 --> 01:14:28,000
Speaker 2: So we're studying this Tibetan tantra practice, that's the lineage,

1569
01:14:28,040 --> 01:14:29,880
Speaker 2: and there's lots of tantra practices there. You see a

1570
01:14:29,880 --> 01:14:32,160
Speaker 2: lot of neo practices, but this is the only government

1571
01:14:32,520 --> 01:14:35,080
Speaker 2: accredited school, and so there we're doing a lot of

1572
01:14:35,080 --> 01:14:37,000
Speaker 2: things that may seem we're to other people, but like

1573
01:14:37,000 --> 01:14:39,800
Speaker 2: we said, we're meditating, we're union breathing, we're connecting with

1574
01:14:39,840 --> 01:14:44,879
Speaker 2: one another, we're going inside, we're dancing, and we're learning,

1575
01:14:45,120 --> 01:14:47,880
Speaker 2: you know, all of the all the things yoni and

1576
01:14:47,960 --> 01:14:51,280
Speaker 2: lingam's penises and pissis and so one of the things

1577
01:14:51,360 --> 01:14:54,080
Speaker 2: is we're learning how to use the mudras to bring

1578
01:14:54,160 --> 01:14:59,960
Speaker 2: pleasure in your erogenous zone. So I you can eat

1579
01:15:00,000 --> 01:15:02,920
Speaker 2: the received one, you can give one. I was an

1580
01:15:02,920 --> 01:15:05,600
Speaker 2: observer and I saw one earlier in the day and

1581
01:15:05,640 --> 01:15:09,040
Speaker 2: I just you know, the girl had a breakthrough. She

1582
01:15:09,040 --> 01:15:10,960
Speaker 2: shed a tear. She was crying a little bit, because

1583
01:15:10,960 --> 01:15:13,320
Speaker 2: a lot of times when you explore these places, things

1584
01:15:13,360 --> 01:15:16,479
Speaker 2: come up. You store trauma literally and you know, in

1585
01:15:16,520 --> 01:15:18,559
Speaker 2: all parts of your body. But a lot of us,

1586
01:15:18,600 --> 01:15:22,719
Speaker 2: just from living in so like Western civilization, have sexual traumas.

1587
01:15:23,520 --> 01:15:27,960
Speaker 2: You know, men are get fucking circumcised, women are shamed

1588
01:15:28,000 --> 01:15:30,519
Speaker 2: for their sexuality. So there's a lot of storage of things.

1589
01:15:30,880 --> 01:15:34,920
Speaker 2: So sometimes and those explessure explorations, like in the trauma,

1590
01:15:35,840 --> 01:15:39,000
Speaker 2: there are releases that are unexpected. Anyway, I saw one.

1591
01:15:39,160 --> 01:15:41,960
Speaker 2: It was great. They told us it was optional. So

1592
01:15:42,040 --> 01:15:43,720
Speaker 2: I went to my room and I told them before

1593
01:15:43,720 --> 01:15:45,679
Speaker 2: I left, I'm not gonna I'm gonna sit this one out.

1594
01:15:46,280 --> 01:15:50,639
Speaker 2: She said fine, it starts raining. Then they text me like, hey,

1595
01:15:50,760 --> 01:15:53,759
Speaker 2: we assigned your group. I was like, yeah, I'm chilling.

1596
01:15:54,400 --> 01:15:56,960
Speaker 2: And then someone else is like, hey, your group is sounds.

1597
01:15:57,000 --> 01:15:58,639
Speaker 2: I was like, well, she told me that I could

1598
01:15:58,680 --> 01:15:59,760
Speaker 2: sit out, and she was like, well, this is the

1599
01:15:59,840 --> 01:16:02,800
Speaker 2: list one. So I was like. Something was like maybe

1600
01:16:02,840 --> 01:16:06,280
Speaker 2: you're supposed to go, and I was like fine, so

1601
01:16:06,360 --> 01:16:09,200
Speaker 2: I go. It's just my friend. It's just my friend Marianne,

1602
01:16:09,920 --> 01:16:12,560
Speaker 2: my friend Maria. They got I got my permission to

1603
01:16:12,560 --> 01:16:15,040
Speaker 2: share this story, and a facilitator and me and I

1604
01:16:15,080 --> 01:16:17,040
Speaker 2: was a observer. So I was reading, you know, I

1605
01:16:17,040 --> 01:16:18,920
Speaker 2: was reading her what she needs to do, going through

1606
01:16:18,960 --> 01:16:20,680
Speaker 2: the practices totally.

1607
01:16:20,320 --> 01:16:22,720
Speaker 1: Just so a student is doing this on her, and

1608
01:16:22,720 --> 01:16:24,920
Speaker 1: so you student and a student. As soon as so

1609
01:16:24,920 --> 01:16:27,240
Speaker 1: the student is doing this and she's reading through the text,

1610
01:16:27,320 --> 01:16:29,439
Speaker 1: I'm reading through you're through text, so she knows step

1611
01:16:29,439 --> 01:16:30,920
Speaker 1: by step what you're supposed to be doing, and is

1612
01:16:30,960 --> 01:16:33,759
Speaker 1: it what is like I'm so curious, like what the scene.

1613
01:16:33,800 --> 01:16:35,200
Speaker 1: I know I'm going to do this next year, but

1614
01:16:35,200 --> 01:16:36,800
Speaker 1: I'm so curious, like what the scene is like? Is

1615
01:16:36,840 --> 01:16:40,439
Speaker 1: it like is there music playing or is it just

1616
01:16:40,479 --> 01:16:42,280
Speaker 1: like straight educational.

1617
01:16:41,800 --> 01:16:44,599
Speaker 2: No, so part of so part of it is Okay,

1618
01:16:44,680 --> 01:16:47,320
Speaker 2: let's set up the environment. Okay, and we added, we

1619
01:16:47,360 --> 01:16:49,599
Speaker 2: asked the receiver, what do you want? She had fruits,

1620
01:16:49,640 --> 01:16:51,559
Speaker 2: we made I made her tea. We like, brought all

1621
01:16:51,560 --> 01:16:53,400
Speaker 2: the pillows in the room. We lowered the lights, we

1622
01:16:53,479 --> 01:16:55,720
Speaker 2: had candles. Okay, there was music because this is what

1623
01:16:55,760 --> 01:16:58,160
Speaker 2: she requested. So this is something like so if I

1624
01:16:58,280 --> 01:17:01,360
Speaker 2: was after I'm done school and couple comes in, this

1625
01:17:01,400 --> 01:17:05,120
Speaker 2: is what the environment will basically embody whatever brings you pleasure.

1626
01:17:05,560 --> 01:17:08,040
Speaker 2: And so I was reading as if like I was,

1627
01:17:08,040 --> 01:17:10,040
Speaker 2: if I was instructing a couple and they were exploring

1628
01:17:10,080 --> 01:17:12,320
Speaker 2: each other, or if someone was wanting to explore on themselves,

1629
01:17:12,400 --> 01:17:14,879
Speaker 2: you know, we'd use a model. But in this instance,

1630
01:17:15,240 --> 01:17:19,320
Speaker 2: the students who were my you know, my my peers

1631
01:17:19,520 --> 01:17:21,479
Speaker 2: were doing each other and I was given the role

1632
01:17:21,520 --> 01:17:23,400
Speaker 2: of reading through the MOODSS to make sure she was

1633
01:17:23,439 --> 01:17:25,280
Speaker 2: doing the right thing, and then there was a facilitator.

1634
01:17:26,880 --> 01:17:29,679
Speaker 2: I was I was supposed to be there in my mind,

1635
01:17:29,760 --> 01:17:32,559
Speaker 2: so I started reading it. It was great, It's not

1636
01:17:32,640 --> 01:17:34,400
Speaker 2: I love them. It was fun, but I was like

1637
01:17:34,479 --> 01:17:37,400
Speaker 2: ready to go. So I was like flipping the page

1638
01:17:37,400 --> 01:17:39,320
Speaker 2: just saying we were almost done, and I was just like,

1639
01:17:39,400 --> 01:17:42,160
Speaker 2: you know, watching so the one the girl who's like

1640
01:17:42,360 --> 01:17:47,040
Speaker 2: receiving is starting to really really really get it, like

1641
01:17:47,120 --> 01:17:50,360
Speaker 2: arouse and start to experience pleasure. And I just like,

1642
01:17:50,439 --> 01:17:52,320
Speaker 2: I A lot of this practice, a lot of the

1643
01:17:52,320 --> 01:17:54,440
Speaker 2: work we've done is just checking in with my ourselves.

1644
01:17:54,560 --> 01:17:56,160
Speaker 2: So I literally was like why is it started to

1645
01:17:56,160 --> 01:17:58,160
Speaker 2: make me feel uncomfortable? And I was like, why is

1646
01:17:58,200 --> 01:18:01,320
Speaker 2: this making me so uncomfortable? And I was like, I'm like,

1647
01:18:01,439 --> 01:18:05,439
Speaker 2: she looks pretty. I was like, she looks like she's

1648
01:18:05,439 --> 01:18:07,800
Speaker 2: a goddess. She's like a nice robe on. And like

1649
01:18:08,920 --> 01:18:11,360
Speaker 2: Marianne is great, like she knows exactly what she was doing,

1650
01:18:11,400 --> 01:18:13,479
Speaker 2: she knew all the steps, the teacher was great, everything

1651
01:18:13,560 --> 01:18:14,920
Speaker 2: was great. I was just like, why is this making

1652
01:18:14,920 --> 01:18:17,800
Speaker 2: me so uncomfortable? And also if this makes you uncomfortable, bitch,

1653
01:18:17,840 --> 01:18:19,439
Speaker 2: how are you going to do this in real life?

1654
01:18:19,439 --> 01:18:21,000
Speaker 2: Did you just waste a year of your life at

1655
01:18:21,000 --> 01:18:24,160
Speaker 2: this school? And then had to really start exploring, like

1656
01:18:24,400 --> 01:18:26,639
Speaker 2: it's not the nudity that makes me uncomfortable, Like what

1657
01:18:26,800 --> 01:18:29,600
Speaker 2: is it about seeing this is making me uncomfortable? So

1658
01:18:29,600 --> 01:18:32,400
Speaker 2: I observe that. I kept going and then she really

1659
01:18:32,400 --> 01:18:34,920
Speaker 2: starts to get into it, but then she says, I

1660
01:18:34,960 --> 01:18:37,760
Speaker 2: feel like I can't surrender, and I was like, then

1661
01:18:37,800 --> 01:18:39,719
Speaker 2: I dawned on me. I was like, there's no fucking

1662
01:18:39,760 --> 01:18:41,800
Speaker 2: way in hell i'd be able to be. I wanted

1663
01:18:41,800 --> 01:18:43,000
Speaker 2: to be a receiver, but I was like I could

1664
01:18:43,000 --> 01:18:45,480
Speaker 2: have never done this, Like I could have never surrendered

1665
01:18:45,479 --> 01:18:48,679
Speaker 2: with people watching me, you know. So I was like, yeah,

1666
01:18:48,680 --> 01:18:50,479
Speaker 2: I could never done this. This is crazy sod of.

1667
01:18:51,080 --> 01:18:54,880
Speaker 2: Then she's like starting to like cut orgasm, and she

1668
01:18:54,920 --> 01:18:56,840
Speaker 2: starts to squirt. So I'm trying to I'm looking but

1669
01:18:56,920 --> 01:18:59,599
Speaker 2: also like not trying to get squirted on, and she's

1670
01:18:59,600 --> 01:19:03,120
Speaker 2: starting to orgasm, and I.

1671
01:19:02,240 --> 01:19:04,519
Speaker 1: Well, thank you for that, Horri. Make sure you go

1672
01:19:04,600 --> 01:19:07,400
Speaker 1: check us out on Patreon. That's patreon dot com. Backslash

1673
01:19:07,439 --> 01:19:10,559
Speaker 1: Good Mom's Bad Choices. I think that people are either

1674
01:19:10,560 --> 01:19:14,280
Speaker 1: going to be totally freaked out or they're gonna wanna

1675
01:19:14,360 --> 01:19:15,639
Speaker 1: find the bitch in to Pinky Canyon.

1676
01:19:16,479 --> 01:19:18,679
Speaker 2: I know, I don't. It's a spiritual hurry. I don't

1677
01:19:18,680 --> 01:19:21,120
Speaker 2: want to, you know, discredit it by calling it a

1678
01:19:21,160 --> 01:19:23,000
Speaker 2: horri But it was a spiritual horry because I was

1679
01:19:23,040 --> 01:19:25,240
Speaker 2: like a little shocked that that happened.

1680
01:19:25,320 --> 01:19:29,439
Speaker 1: Yeah, but make sure you go check us out on Patreon.

1681
01:19:29,520 --> 01:19:33,000
Speaker 1: That's patreon dot com. Backslash Good Mom's Bad Joyces to

1682
01:19:33,040 --> 01:19:35,080
Speaker 1: hear this horry and a lot of other hories that

1683
01:19:35,120 --> 01:19:40,559
Speaker 1: you probably haven't heard on the show. Is it Tarot time?

1684
01:19:40,880 --> 01:19:41,840
Speaker 2: It is Tarot time.

1685
01:19:43,240 --> 01:19:45,160
Speaker 1: I feel like we've gotten this one before we have.

1686
01:19:45,400 --> 01:19:48,160
Speaker 2: This one came in reverse the hang demand. I usually

1687
01:19:48,160 --> 01:19:50,360
Speaker 2: don't read the reverse, but its you.

1688
01:19:50,320 --> 01:19:52,040
Speaker 1: Feel called to do it today.

1689
01:19:53,840 --> 01:19:54,920
Speaker 2: Tarot Time.

1690
01:19:55,520 --> 01:19:59,759
Speaker 1: Shout out to Pity Taro, Pitty Taro, and also Mahogany

1691
01:19:59,800 --> 01:20:03,680
Speaker 1: char Make sure you go check out Mahogany Taro, our

1692
01:20:03,760 --> 01:20:07,280
Speaker 1: official unofficial Tarot deck of a Good Mom's Bad Choice

1693
01:20:07,280 --> 01:20:08,760
Speaker 1: of show. They didn't even know they were going to

1694
01:20:08,840 --> 01:20:12,719
Speaker 1: be that, but they are the tribes we love supporting

1695
01:20:12,960 --> 01:20:18,519
Speaker 1: black women businesses, brown women businesses, all businesses, but we're

1696
01:20:18,560 --> 01:20:22,160
Speaker 1: black women. So if you want to share your business

1697
01:20:22,160 --> 01:20:27,240
Speaker 1: with us. DMS. We give special prices to our small

1698
01:20:27,360 --> 01:20:29,559
Speaker 1: business owners because we know how hard it can be

1699
01:20:30,360 --> 01:20:33,040
Speaker 1: out here in these business streets. In the business streets,

1700
01:20:33,080 --> 01:20:36,080
Speaker 1: it's hard. Entrepreneurship is hard, and sometimes you just need

1701
01:20:36,439 --> 01:20:41,000
Speaker 1: someone to really rep your shit. And we be repping you.

1702
01:20:41,040 --> 01:20:46,840
Speaker 2: Know what I'm saying, only shit we endorse. So the

1703
01:20:46,920 --> 01:20:49,799
Speaker 2: upright hanged Man encourages you to pause for a moment

1704
01:20:49,840 --> 01:20:53,639
Speaker 2: and see things from a different perspective. Reverse this card

1705
01:20:53,640 --> 01:20:55,519
Speaker 2: could show that you know you need to hit the

1706
01:20:55,520 --> 01:20:58,479
Speaker 2: pause button, but you're resisting it. Instead, do you fill

1707
01:20:58,479 --> 01:21:01,559
Speaker 2: your days with task and project, keeping busy and distracting

1708
01:21:01,600 --> 01:21:05,240
Speaker 2: yourself from the actual issue that needs your attention. Your

1709
01:21:05,280 --> 01:21:07,760
Speaker 2: spirit and body are asking you to slow down, but

1710
01:21:07,800 --> 01:21:11,200
Speaker 2: your mind keeps racing. Stop and rest before it's too late.

1711
01:21:11,280 --> 01:21:13,720
Speaker 2: The universe will only dial up the volume if you

1712
01:21:13,760 --> 01:21:17,200
Speaker 2: ignore it, and as a result, you may end up crashing.

1713
01:21:17,439 --> 01:21:20,759
Speaker 2: So as soon as you hear a call, clear your schedule,

1714
01:21:20,840 --> 01:21:23,120
Speaker 2: come to the good Vibe retree and make the space

1715
01:21:23,160 --> 01:21:26,240
Speaker 2: so you can tune in and listen. You may already

1716
01:21:26,240 --> 01:21:28,639
Speaker 2: be in a position where everything has been put on hold,

1717
01:21:28,800 --> 01:21:31,840
Speaker 2: much to your frustration. The reveal of the hangman can

1718
01:21:31,840 --> 01:21:34,439
Speaker 2: indicate a time when you're getting blocked, stuck, or restricted

1719
01:21:34,479 --> 01:21:37,080
Speaker 2: because other people or other circumstances have left you on hold.

1720
01:21:37,560 --> 01:21:40,280
Speaker 2: While you feel resistant, it's important that you surrender to

1721
01:21:40,320 --> 01:21:42,519
Speaker 2: what is and let go of your attachment to how

1722
01:21:42,560 --> 01:21:45,920
Speaker 2: things should be be and flow with life even if

1723
01:21:45,920 --> 01:21:49,000
Speaker 2: it's not as you expected it. Seriously, when does it

1724
01:21:49,040 --> 01:21:51,920
Speaker 2: ever go exactly as you expected? And loosen your grip?

1725
01:21:52,720 --> 01:21:54,400
Speaker 2: Did we not just say that? Okay?

1726
01:21:56,160 --> 01:22:00,000
Speaker 1: Amen, I believe I receive that. I know you received

1727
01:22:00,160 --> 01:22:02,679
Speaker 1: that too. I you know That's what I was feeling yesterday.

1728
01:22:02,720 --> 01:22:04,080
Speaker 1: I was like I need a second. Even today when

1729
01:22:04,120 --> 01:22:05,760
Speaker 1: I was like I'll be an hour late because I

1730
01:22:05,760 --> 01:22:08,439
Speaker 1: need to pause for a second. And now that we're

1731
01:22:08,439 --> 01:22:11,240
Speaker 1: going to Mexico, because the good Vibra tree is literally like.

1732
01:22:11,240 --> 01:22:13,479
Speaker 2: My pause, I was like, we're right out time.

1733
01:22:13,520 --> 01:22:18,240
Speaker 1: It is my pause. Okay, I'm I'm technically working, slash healing,

1734
01:22:18,439 --> 01:22:20,000
Speaker 1: slash making best friends.

1735
01:22:20,120 --> 01:22:24,519
Speaker 2: So yeah, this is the life we created designed. I'm

1736
01:22:24,560 --> 01:22:27,000
Speaker 2: really excited to go into this container with my friends.

1737
01:22:27,000 --> 01:22:30,800
Speaker 1: Bitch, if you don't shut the fuck up, well, if

1738
01:22:30,800 --> 01:22:33,200
Speaker 1: you're coming on the retreat and you hear fucking Jamila

1739
01:22:33,280 --> 01:22:35,559
Speaker 1: say container just know every time she says it, I'm

1740
01:22:35,600 --> 01:22:36,800
Speaker 1: like wincing just a little bit.

1741
01:22:38,400 --> 01:22:40,400
Speaker 2: Remember we used to WinCE when we said boyfriends.

1742
01:22:41,280 --> 01:22:46,680
Speaker 1: Oh God, that episode, we like we have flesh.

1743
01:22:46,880 --> 01:22:47,920
Speaker 2: Yeah that guy.

1744
01:22:48,040 --> 01:22:49,720
Speaker 1: We should have known the way we the way we

1745
01:22:49,760 --> 01:22:52,200
Speaker 1: said that bitch. Our bodies were resisting. They were like,

1746
01:22:52,200 --> 01:22:56,240
Speaker 1: are you sure how I shouldn'tendin to practice.

1747
01:22:55,920 --> 01:22:58,120
Speaker 2: Saying the word first? That was step one. There were

1748
01:22:58,120 --> 01:22:59,320
Speaker 2: our practice boyfriends.

1749
01:22:59,560 --> 01:23:01,040
Speaker 1: I know, we were the choes. We didn't even know

1750
01:23:01,040 --> 01:23:02,280
Speaker 1: how to like say the word boyfriend.

1751
01:23:02,320 --> 01:23:09,719
Speaker 2: We were just like, yeah, friend friend, boy friend, boy friend,

1752
01:23:09,800 --> 01:23:13,040
Speaker 2: boy now look at his boyfriend boyfriend. My man, my

1753
01:23:13,080 --> 01:23:13,880
Speaker 2: mayn me my man.

1754
01:23:14,600 --> 01:23:15,959
Speaker 1: I still don't like the word boyfriend.

1755
01:23:16,720 --> 01:23:19,000
Speaker 2: I don't like partner, but I say it sometimes.

1756
01:23:19,160 --> 01:23:22,200
Speaker 1: I don't like partners society. I mean, I've always called

1757
01:23:22,280 --> 01:23:24,360
Speaker 1: him my lover for the most part, and I kind

1758
01:23:24,360 --> 01:23:25,800
Speaker 1: of like to stick with that, but then I feel

1759
01:23:25,800 --> 01:23:27,240
Speaker 1: like I want to like take it up a notch,

1760
01:23:27,240 --> 01:23:28,800
Speaker 1: but I don't know what that is, And the next

1761
01:23:29,040 --> 01:23:31,479
Speaker 1: the up notch would be partner. But I don't like that.

1762
01:23:31,520 --> 01:23:34,160
Speaker 2: It sounds not taking up a notch, you know, like.

1763
01:23:34,280 --> 01:23:37,760
Speaker 1: Lover is like lover is lover, but it feels like

1764
01:23:37,840 --> 01:23:39,720
Speaker 1: a little bit cash.

1765
01:23:40,320 --> 01:23:42,560
Speaker 2: It was a little cash lover seems I don't know

1766
01:23:42,600 --> 01:23:47,960
Speaker 2: if it's cash, but like my beau, my beau, I

1767
01:23:48,040 --> 01:23:52,120
Speaker 2: like my my beat sounds kind of European. All mate,

1768
01:23:54,000 --> 01:23:56,400
Speaker 2: my lifer, lifer, my lifer.

1769
01:23:57,200 --> 01:24:01,120
Speaker 1: You gonna be my lifer? Hey baby, my lifer, my lifer.

1770
01:24:02,400 --> 01:24:04,240
Speaker 1: You know you want to be my lifer, my love lifer.

1771
01:24:05,000 --> 01:24:07,280
Speaker 1: That's kind of scary. It sounds like fucking lockdown.

1772
01:24:07,400 --> 01:24:07,880
Speaker 2: Is that lit?

1773
01:24:08,360 --> 01:24:09,479
Speaker 1: It keeps it getting on lit?

1774
01:24:09,760 --> 01:24:11,599
Speaker 2: Okay, anyway, we're rambling. We don't want to get any

1775
01:24:11,600 --> 01:24:12,800
Speaker 2: bad reviews.

1776
01:24:13,200 --> 01:24:15,000
Speaker 1: But if you have a left review, please go make

1777
01:24:15,000 --> 01:24:17,240
Speaker 1: sure you leave one on Apple and to be a

1778
01:24:17,280 --> 01:24:19,880
Speaker 1: good one and subscribe to our YouTube channel. You can

1779
01:24:19,920 --> 01:24:22,559
Speaker 1: watch this episode on YouTube. Make sure you check out

1780
01:24:22,600 --> 01:24:27,240
Speaker 1: Patreon again. And I'm exceedingly high at this point, so

1781
01:24:27,600 --> 01:24:29,800
Speaker 1: I'm going to stop talking because when I talk in

1782
01:24:29,880 --> 01:24:32,479
Speaker 1: high sometimes when I talk in high, see, I get

1783
01:24:32,479 --> 01:24:33,200
Speaker 1: a little slow.

1784
01:24:34,800 --> 01:24:37,200
Speaker 2: I love you. You guys know where to find us

1785
01:24:37,360 --> 01:24:40,960
Speaker 2: Good Mom's Underscore Bad Choices on Instagram, Come check us out,

1786
01:24:41,080 --> 01:24:45,320
Speaker 2: come follow us, we cute or whatever you say, Patreon, Patreon,

1787
01:24:45,360 --> 01:24:47,840
Speaker 2: dot com, Backslash, Good mom's bad choices. You can follow

1788
01:24:47,920 --> 01:24:52,160
Speaker 2: me at Mila Underscore Map two Piece, at to Watch

1789
01:24:52,280 --> 01:24:57,280
Speaker 2: Erica And if you haven't booked your vacation, book it

1790
01:24:57,320 --> 01:24:59,320
Speaker 2: with that book it now with us.

1791
01:25:00,160 --> 01:25:28,840
Speaker 3: To love you, guys, Hi Bye. Solo record Las