WEBVTT - Dealing with Jealousy and Envy Without Beating Yourself Up | TBT 0:00:01.360 --> 0:00:04.440 The other thing is that his relationship with the work 0:00:04.440 --> 0:00:09.000 wife may be totally appropriate, but there's something about the 0:00:09.000 --> 0:00:14.440 work wife that is bringing up my insecurities. Right, So 0:00:14.560 --> 0:00:17.960 let's say because a common thing that can happen. 0:00:19.280 --> 0:00:21.280 Wait, do she got a big booty? Is that what 0:00:21.320 --> 0:00:24.400 it is? 0:00:24.440 --> 0:00:26.920 She not only does she have a big old body? 0:00:27.120 --> 0:00:31.480 The Welcome to Cultivating her Space. I'm doctor Don a 0:00:31.520 --> 0:00:34.680 college professor and licensed psychologist. 0:00:34.280 --> 0:00:38.720 And I'm Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. Every Friday, 0:00:38.960 --> 0:00:43.640 we initiate authentic conversations on everything from five roids to 0:00:43.680 --> 0:00:46.480 fake friends and sex work to self care. 0:00:46.920 --> 0:00:49.960 Join us as we create a safe space where black 0:00:50.000 --> 0:00:51.239 women can just. 0:00:52.040 --> 0:00:55.080 Be all right, lady, let's get into it. 0:01:00.320 --> 0:01:00.840 All right. 0:01:01.200 --> 0:01:03.560 So our quote of the day is I'm gonna just 0:01:03.600 --> 0:01:07.679 say it up front. It's a controversial one, and normally 0:01:07.720 --> 0:01:09.840 our quote of the day, I'm like, yes, let's put 0:01:09.880 --> 0:01:14.920 this on Instagram. Let's hashtag this like this quote is dope. 0:01:15.640 --> 0:01:21.920 This quote is not, but it is useful to dive 0:01:21.959 --> 0:01:25.839 into our conversation today. So our quote of the day 0:01:26.480 --> 0:01:33.280 comes from an unknown source who says true confidence has 0:01:33.400 --> 0:01:38.039 no room for jealousy and envy when you know you 0:01:38.120 --> 0:01:46.559 were great, there is no reason to hate. I found 0:01:46.600 --> 0:01:49.760 all kinds of problems with that quote, Lettie, What do 0:01:49.800 --> 0:01:50.200 you think? 0:01:51.760 --> 0:01:53.640 I think it's one of those quotes where it's like 0:01:53.760 --> 0:01:55.880 it sounds good and if you're having a good day, 0:01:55.920 --> 0:01:59.600 it's like yeah, girl caption. But then when you think 0:01:59.640 --> 0:02:04.800 about it, it's like it's shames whoever is having these 0:02:05.240 --> 0:02:09.480 very human and normal emotions of jealousy and envy. So 0:02:09.520 --> 0:02:11.359 if you read that, it's like, well, damn, what's wrong 0:02:11.400 --> 0:02:14.480 with me? I must not be confident because confidence has 0:02:14.480 --> 0:02:17.680 no room for jealousy and envy. Damn, I guess I'm 0:02:17.680 --> 0:02:20.239 a hater, Like you know what I mean, Like when 0:02:21.400 --> 0:02:23.640 it just to me is problematic and I don't think 0:02:23.680 --> 0:02:24.480 it's realistic. 0:02:24.919 --> 0:02:27.920 It also says I agree with all of that, and 0:02:27.960 --> 0:02:30.280 I would add to that, but that it says that 0:02:31.400 --> 0:02:35.800 if I experience jealousy or envy, then I must be 0:02:35.960 --> 0:02:41.040 hating on someone or hate someone or something, when that's 0:02:41.240 --> 0:02:44.600 not what jealousy and envy are. 0:02:44.440 --> 0:02:45.880 All about in the first place. 0:02:48.720 --> 0:02:49.960 You ready to dive into this. 0:02:50.120 --> 0:02:52.800 I'm ready to dive intown. I will say, though, just 0:02:52.880 --> 0:02:57.720 off the bat, this topic, like these two words us 0:02:57.760 --> 0:03:01.600 preparing content for this episode, I felt like there was 0:03:01.639 --> 0:03:04.320 an energy shift and it felt I don't know, these 0:03:04.320 --> 0:03:06.160 words just feel kind of heavy to me when I 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:08.280 think about them, when I hear them, it makes me 0:03:08.320 --> 0:03:12.160 want to like whisper and like, you know, crouch down low, 0:03:12.200 --> 0:03:15.360 because it just feels so negative and so shameful. And 0:03:15.400 --> 0:03:18.120 I think about when I've experienced jealousy and envy and 0:03:18.160 --> 0:03:20.160 I'm like, oh my god, like I don't really want 0:03:20.200 --> 0:03:23.440 to talk about that, and it's uncomfortable and why do 0:03:23.520 --> 0:03:25.280 I feel this way? I want to beat myself up 0:03:25.320 --> 0:03:27.440 for feeling this, and so I'm really happy that we're 0:03:27.480 --> 0:03:29.840 diving into the topic. But I don't think this is 0:03:29.840 --> 0:03:32.480 an easy one because many of us just don't have 0:03:32.520 --> 0:03:34.760 conversations about these feelings. 0:03:35.520 --> 0:03:40.440 You're right, we don't talk about it, and these feelings 0:03:40.480 --> 0:03:42.800 come up all the. 0:03:42.960 --> 0:03:46.080 Time, especially with social media. Okay, I just felt this 0:03:46.120 --> 0:03:50.040 way earlier today. What happened? What happened? You put it 0:03:50.080 --> 0:03:52.720 out there, Now you gotta tell it. So I think 0:03:52.760 --> 0:03:54.520 it happens on and off. There are a few things 0:03:55.720 --> 0:03:59.000 you scrolling down and you see someone's picture and it's like, 0:03:59.240 --> 0:04:02.360 now the thing is before I tell you let's talk 0:04:02.400 --> 0:04:05.320 about what they actually mean, because I even get confused, 0:04:05.320 --> 0:04:08.080 and I think we use them interchangeably, so it's like, oh, 0:04:08.080 --> 0:04:10.160 I'm jealous or I'm envious, but it's like, wait, are 0:04:10.160 --> 0:04:13.880 you really using it correctly? So when we say jealousy, like, 0:04:14.000 --> 0:04:15.320 what does jealousy mean? 0:04:16.120 --> 0:04:23.120 So jealousy means usually involves a third party, So two 0:04:23.200 --> 0:04:27.440 people and a third party, right. Let me give an example. 0:04:28.200 --> 0:04:35.440 So let's say that you and your partner are you know, 0:04:35.520 --> 0:04:40.640 y'all have like a great relationship, everything's going smoothly, and 0:04:40.839 --> 0:04:48.040 then they have a new friend at work, and this 0:04:48.160 --> 0:04:54.080 new friend happens to be a woman, and you find 0:04:54.160 --> 0:05:00.000 yourself having some negative reactions to the amount of time 0:05:00.000 --> 0:05:06.120 time your partner is spending on work projects with this 0:05:06.600 --> 0:05:12.960 with this other woman. Those feelings that come up are 0:05:13.040 --> 0:05:14.120 probably jealousy. 0:05:15.440 --> 0:05:18.080 And what makes it jealousy is the fact that there's 0:05:18.120 --> 0:05:21.200 a third party involved. But also there's like a rival 0:05:21.320 --> 0:05:24.520 for affectionate attention. So it's like, my partner is giving 0:05:24.560 --> 0:05:29.040 this to that person, but I want that attention on me, yes, okay, 0:05:30.240 --> 0:05:37.960 Whereas envy occurs between only two people and it's best 0:05:38.000 --> 0:05:42.760 summed up as I want what you have. So just 0:05:42.800 --> 0:05:45.520 to kind of shift the example just a bit, let's 0:05:45.520 --> 0:05:48.760 say that, Oh, let's use a good example. I feel 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:50.960 like a lot of women can resonate with this. I'm 0:05:50.960 --> 0:05:56.080 scrolling down Instagram and I see Meg the stallion's fine ass. 0:05:56.320 --> 0:05:58.800 Make the stallions, I think, make the stallions. She's like 0:05:58.920 --> 0:06:02.359 many people's body go. I mean she's like she's a stallion. 0:06:02.360 --> 0:06:04.800 I mean she's built right. So a lot of people 0:06:06.200 --> 0:06:09.200 may see or women may see that and they're like, damn, 0:06:10.080 --> 0:06:11.920 I want I want to make the stallion body. I 0:06:12.000 --> 0:06:14.360 want to make the stallion knees is everyone's talking about 0:06:14.400 --> 0:06:17.440 like I want that, you know. So I think envy 0:06:17.600 --> 0:06:20.200 is more so I want what you have, and then 0:06:20.240 --> 0:06:22.760 you have jealousy, which is a third party, and then 0:06:22.760 --> 0:06:26.320 it's a rival for that affectionate intention. I definitely use 0:06:26.360 --> 0:06:29.159 them interchangeably, and I use them incorrectly. I would say 0:06:29.160 --> 0:06:35.200 that mine is more so envy, but it's not. I 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:37.719 think I think my feelings of jealous and envy have 0:06:37.760 --> 0:06:40.240 shifted over the years. I think I'm matured in that 0:06:40.279 --> 0:06:42.320 way now saying I'm never going to get to a 0:06:42.320 --> 0:06:46.240 point where I have like a negative feeling around that. 0:06:46.800 --> 0:06:50.800 But I haven't. I don't recall facing a negative, a 0:06:50.920 --> 0:06:55.800 very strong negative feeling around that in a while. But yeah, 0:06:55.839 --> 0:06:58.359 my example was just like scrolling down the timeline, you 0:06:58.480 --> 0:07:02.240 see someone just doing something dope, looking amazing or like 0:07:02.279 --> 0:07:04.840 on vacation, and it's like a quick like, oh damn, 0:07:05.400 --> 0:07:07.200 that's cool, but I want to do that right now, 0:07:07.240 --> 0:07:09.560 you know what I mean? Something like that. 0:07:09.560 --> 0:07:10.320 That's envy. 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:18.440 But that is what we often will incorrectly label as jealousy. 0:07:19.960 --> 0:07:22.120 We tend to, like you said, like we tend to 0:07:22.440 --> 0:07:26.120 group envy and jealousy in the all behaviors of Indian 0:07:26.200 --> 0:07:28.720 jealousy in the same category, when they really are not 0:07:29.400 --> 0:07:34.520 to me. When I think about it, I think about 0:07:34.800 --> 0:07:42.040 envy as and both of them do come from internal space, right, 0:07:42.320 --> 0:07:48.840 internal like sign of something, and that's where they can 0:07:48.920 --> 0:07:49.600 kind of differ. 0:07:50.200 --> 0:07:50.520 Right. 0:07:51.240 --> 0:07:58.160 So when I think about, okay, scrolling Instagram or something 0:07:58.240 --> 0:08:01.480 some social media platform and I see someone and I 0:08:01.520 --> 0:08:06.000 see like make the sallion, and I'm like, ooh, I 0:08:06.120 --> 0:08:14.320 wish I had her knees, right, that's envy, like we said. 0:08:15.080 --> 0:08:22.080 And I can say that in passing and not feel 0:08:23.400 --> 0:08:26.480 I can keep moving with my day, right, I don't 0:08:26.480 --> 0:08:35.960 necessarily let that tear me down, and I'm not more 0:08:36.000 --> 0:08:42.440 than likely going to do anything to harm make the 0:08:42.480 --> 0:08:45.440 stallion in her knees. Right, So that's how we know 0:08:45.559 --> 0:08:54.440 that it's envy. Jealousy would be more if Megan and 0:08:54.480 --> 0:09:01.000 I were besties, right, and I'm like, girl, I like 0:09:01.040 --> 0:09:03.640 your knees. I need to have your knees, like I'm 0:09:03.760 --> 0:09:06.480 jealous that I that I don't have knees like yours, 0:09:08.200 --> 0:09:11.719 and then I do something to harm her. 0:09:13.200 --> 0:09:15.040 I think there's a little difference there. So I think 0:09:15.080 --> 0:09:19.080 with jealousy, there's that this is I'm just learning this, 0:09:19.160 --> 0:09:20.520 so this is why I'm like, wait, let me look 0:09:20.559 --> 0:09:22.600 at the note somebody reiterated, right, because it which is 0:09:22.600 --> 0:09:23.520 why I want us to die. 0:09:24.080 --> 0:09:25.960 That's why I'm putting these exams out there. 0:09:26.120 --> 0:09:28.319 Good stuff, so that when we feel an emotion, we're 0:09:28.360 --> 0:09:30.719 able to like say, this is what it is. It 0:09:30.920 --> 0:09:34.280 With the jealousy, there's there's a third party missing. So 0:09:34.280 --> 0:09:36.120 I think what you shared about her knees, that would 0:09:36.120 --> 0:09:37.960 be envy. But I feel like you can have like 0:09:38.280 --> 0:09:40.120 you can you can be jealous and it not be 0:09:40.160 --> 0:09:43.240 like a negative or like hostile jealousy or the same 0:09:43.280 --> 0:09:45.880 with end like it can be harmless. But I think 0:09:45.880 --> 0:09:49.559 with jealousy it would be like, okay, so may the 0:09:49.600 --> 0:09:52.120 style and I do follow her as you'll probably see 0:09:52.600 --> 0:09:54.480 or hear as I continue to talk about her and 0:09:54.520 --> 0:09:57.240 her she has a dog. It's a cute little I 0:09:57.240 --> 0:09:59.360 think it's like a bit bull or something like that, 0:10:00.000 --> 0:10:02.719 think so or Frenchy or something. And her dog's name 0:10:02.760 --> 0:10:05.640 is Foe. So if you and make the Style and 0:10:05.679 --> 0:10:10.080 were besties and she was given Fae more attention, then 0:10:10.280 --> 0:10:13.240 you be jealous because you want the attention and affection 0:10:13.480 --> 0:10:14.560 on you and not Faue. 0:10:15.000 --> 0:10:18.720 So because her knees are part of her. 0:10:18.679 --> 0:10:24.040 Person, that's not considered a third party exactly, and so 0:10:24.080 --> 0:10:28.800 then that's why that would still remain envy and not 0:10:29.080 --> 0:10:30.280 jealousy exactly. 0:10:30.960 --> 0:10:33.440 God, yes, we got it, okay, because I tell you 0:10:33.520 --> 0:10:36.559 I definitely have used these words the wrong way. So 0:10:36.600 --> 0:10:39.240 I'm like, all right, okay, this is what it means. 0:10:39.559 --> 0:10:41.120 And so when you think about envy, So I was 0:10:41.160 --> 0:10:43.000 reading this article and it said that there were two 0:10:43.040 --> 0:10:46.640 different types. This is psychology today, but two different types 0:10:46.640 --> 0:10:49.280 of envy. And so there's the hostile envy and there's 0:10:49.360 --> 0:10:51.840 depressed envy. And I think this leads to what we 0:10:51.840 --> 0:10:55.200 were talking about before. So, depressed envy occurs when someone 0:10:55.200 --> 0:10:59.520 else's success makes you feel worse about you or your life. 0:11:00.080 --> 0:11:02.680 You feel diminished, you feel lost, you feel defeated, you 0:11:02.679 --> 0:11:05.160 feel humiliated. You see this person. I'm just gonna bring 0:11:05.240 --> 0:11:07.520 up social media because I feel like that's easy access 0:11:07.520 --> 0:11:10.680 for everyone to feel these emotions. You see that person, 0:11:10.800 --> 0:11:13.680 I know it happens like so many wildly successful people, 0:11:13.720 --> 0:11:15.559 and you're like, oh my gosh, this person is in 0:11:16.600 --> 0:11:18.920 Dubai again, or this person's on a jet or this 0:11:19.360 --> 0:11:22.040 it impacts your status, right, and it makes you feel 0:11:22.040 --> 0:11:25.320 worse about yourself. That is depressed envy. And then you 0:11:25.440 --> 0:11:31.040 have hostile envy, and that occurs when you feel angry 0:11:31.120 --> 0:11:33.200 and want the other person to fail in some way. 0:11:34.040 --> 0:11:35.719 Ah. So if we go back to my Meg the 0:11:35.760 --> 0:11:38.880 Stallion example, right, So the first part of that when 0:11:38.960 --> 0:11:42.719 I'm like just looking at her on Instagram and I'm like, oh, 0:11:42.760 --> 0:11:45.400 I wish I had her knees, And then I start 0:11:45.440 --> 0:11:49.360 feeling bad about myself because I don't have her knees. 0:11:50.080 --> 0:11:51.720 Then and maybe I. 0:11:51.600 --> 0:11:54.880 Start engaging in self sabotaging behavior and I do all 0:11:54.960 --> 0:11:57.719 kinds whatever writing least to all these other negative behaviors, 0:11:58.080 --> 0:12:02.520 that's the depressed envy. But then if I'm in that 0:12:02.600 --> 0:12:05.360 space where I'm like me and Meg are bestie's and 0:12:05.400 --> 0:12:08.280 I'm like, well, I need to take her knees out 0:12:08.360 --> 0:12:11.640 because I because if she continues to have those knees 0:12:11.679 --> 0:12:16.319 and I don't have those knees, and that becomes hostile envy. 0:12:16.400 --> 0:12:20.640 Yes, hostile envy. And then they say that some people 0:12:20.679 --> 0:12:23.720 identify a third envy, which is benign envy. So this 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:27.480 is when you have positive admiration of the qualities of 0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:28.120 another person. 0:12:28.800 --> 0:12:30.959 So that's when I'm looking at it. 0:12:31.040 --> 0:12:33.680 And instead of me having these other two feelings, I'm 0:12:33.679 --> 0:12:36.680 looking at Meg's knees and I'm like, man, she got 0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:40.920 some badass knees, Like that's real low, Damn, that's so dope. 0:12:41.720 --> 0:12:44.120 Shout out to Meg for having them bomb ass knees. 0:12:44.160 --> 0:12:47.400 Yes, okay. And so it actually makes me think about 0:12:47.640 --> 0:12:51.120 something that happened recently with me where I went home 0:12:51.200 --> 0:12:53.040 to visit family and I stay there for a week, 0:12:53.040 --> 0:12:54.439 and I went to go see my best friend who 0:12:54.480 --> 0:12:56.760 just had a baby. Now, if you haven't caught up 0:12:56.800 --> 0:13:00.719 on some of our episodes, I they've been trying to 0:13:00.720 --> 0:13:03.640 get pregnant for It's been two years now, which is crazy. 0:13:03.640 --> 0:13:05.439 A little over two years, which is like bizarre to 0:13:05.520 --> 0:13:08.200 even think that so much time has gone by. And 0:13:08.679 --> 0:13:11.320 my best friend and I we were pregnant together this year, 0:13:11.360 --> 0:13:13.600 like earlier, I had a miscarre she ended up having 0:13:13.600 --> 0:13:16.280 her baby, and so as you can imagine, there could 0:13:16.280 --> 0:13:18.559 have been a lot of different emotions that came up 0:13:18.600 --> 0:13:20.520 being there. So I got to see her and her newborn, 0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:23.559 I got to hold him, take pictures. I was so excited, 0:13:23.880 --> 0:13:26.480 and I remember just thinking to myself, I was like, 0:13:26.520 --> 0:13:27.920 I just had like a personal moment where I was like, 0:13:27.960 --> 0:13:30.559 I'm so proud of you because I am like genuinely 0:13:30.600 --> 0:13:34.360 excited for her, and I'm excited for her, I love 0:13:34.400 --> 0:13:37.640 her baby, and I still want my baby. And so 0:13:37.720 --> 0:13:40.920 when I think about these definitions, I was envious, but 0:13:40.960 --> 0:13:43.439 it was benign envy. It was like a positive admiration. 0:13:43.559 --> 0:13:45.920 I had good vibes, it was all good, you know, 0:13:46.040 --> 0:13:48.880 good energy. But at the same time, I still wanted 0:13:48.920 --> 0:13:52.319 the thing that I've been trying to manifest. Yeah, it's normal, 0:13:52.400 --> 0:13:53.040 it's normal. 0:13:53.320 --> 0:13:59.400 Those are normal feelings to have. If you had come 0:13:59.440 --> 0:14:02.280 back and use said you had not experienced that at 0:14:02.280 --> 0:14:07.280 all and it didn't bring up anything for you. I 0:14:07.320 --> 0:14:10.480 would actually be that's when I would be questioning your 0:14:10.480 --> 0:14:14.680 mental health, like are you sure everything's okay? 0:14:15.280 --> 0:14:19.720 Like maybe you might be in some deep denial. 0:14:20.800 --> 0:14:24.280 Because it's not that you have to have that feeling 0:14:24.360 --> 0:14:28.280 and it has to be like a deep depression. 0:14:27.760 --> 0:14:28.640 Because of it. 0:14:28.640 --> 0:14:32.240 It doesn't have to be depressed envy, right, but it 0:14:32.320 --> 0:14:37.800 should come up on some level like that feeling, and 0:14:38.200 --> 0:14:41.920 even if it lasted like a fleeting moment, it should 0:14:42.000 --> 0:14:42.360 come up. 0:14:42.520 --> 0:14:45.200 Yeah. I think that's a good point. I think that 0:14:46.880 --> 0:14:50.320 Oh man, I just lost my train of thought jealousy, envy. 0:14:51.080 --> 0:14:56.040 Oh so I although I'm in that space with this 0:14:56.120 --> 0:14:59.880 particular I want to say issue I had benign and 0:15:00.120 --> 0:15:03.480 be there. It was positive, everything was great. I still 0:15:03.480 --> 0:15:06.640 want to hold space for when we have situations where 0:15:06.760 --> 0:15:08.520 someone is just having a rough time, where it's like 0:15:08.560 --> 0:15:12.320 depressive envy or jealousy or even hostile. Maybe you are 0:15:12.400 --> 0:15:15.600 having some thoughts like I want to do something because 0:15:15.960 --> 0:15:18.240 I'm just so fucking mad. Let's say, for instance, like 0:15:18.240 --> 0:15:22.120 this one person just make up a name. Let's say 0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:27.760 Shakira at the office, right, Shakira, she is always winning 0:15:28.600 --> 0:15:33.720 and she's just like the star player. You're never celebrated, 0:15:33.840 --> 0:15:36.040 and you're just like, what the fuck that right there? 0:15:36.080 --> 0:15:36.200 Wait? 0:15:36.200 --> 0:15:39.400 Wait, wait, that would be that would be envy and 0:15:39.480 --> 0:15:43.000 not jealousy. If she's winning and you just want to 0:15:43.040 --> 0:15:46.280 win because you haven't been chosen, right, and let's say 0:15:46.280 --> 0:15:48.320 that you're like, I want to sabotage her, I want 0:15:48.320 --> 0:15:51.000 to do something. What do we do then? Right? And like, 0:15:51.040 --> 0:15:53.000 how do we feel when emotions come up? Because I 0:15:53.080 --> 0:15:55.400 know in the past, whenever a jealousy or envy has 0:15:55.400 --> 0:15:59.080 come up for me, I judge myself. I am I 0:15:59.120 --> 0:16:02.160 feel a lot of shame. I'm like, you shouldn't feel 0:16:02.160 --> 0:16:04.160 this way. Why do you feel this way? You should 0:16:04.320 --> 0:16:06.200 you should be grateful for all that God has given 0:16:06.240 --> 0:16:08.720 you that person, that's their blessing. Like, it's just a 0:16:08.760 --> 0:16:12.480 lot of shame. And I think that when we have 0:16:12.520 --> 0:16:19.440 a conversation around coping and moving through the feelings, that's important. 0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:20.880 But I also want to talk about how does it 0:16:20.920 --> 0:16:24.480 feel to just sit with it? You know, well, that's 0:16:24.560 --> 0:16:25.479 it's uncomfortable. 0:16:25.560 --> 0:16:30.360 I mean it's uncomfortable because it's forcing you to have 0:16:30.480 --> 0:16:34.120 to ask yourself and look at Okay, well, what are 0:16:34.120 --> 0:16:38.080 the things that need to possibly change in my life, 0:16:40.680 --> 0:16:44.880 because something's got to change in order for me to 0:16:44.920 --> 0:16:51.119 stop feeling this way. Right, So, if Shakira is constantly 0:16:51.160 --> 0:16:55.400 winning and I'm not, and I'm upset that I'm not winning, 0:16:56.480 --> 0:16:59.680 well one, let me acknowledge that I am upset that 0:16:59.680 --> 0:17:00.480 I'm not winning. 0:17:01.160 --> 0:17:04.080 There, acknowledge it first, right when I in denial and 0:17:04.119 --> 0:17:06.080 not being passive aggressive, we are acknowledging. 0:17:06.119 --> 0:17:09.399 I'm acknowledging that I am upset that I am not winning. 0:17:10.000 --> 0:17:12.960 And then I step back and I say, and I 0:17:13.000 --> 0:17:18.600 figure out. I evaluate the situation to figure out what 0:17:18.920 --> 0:17:23.680 might be the roadblocks that are keeping me from winning. 0:17:24.920 --> 0:17:27.040 And the thing to pay attention to is that those 0:17:27.160 --> 0:17:32.399 roadblocks could be my own internal stuff, it could be 0:17:32.640 --> 0:17:36.080 external stuff in my environment. But I won't know for 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:40.439 sure unless I keep an open mind and try to 0:17:40.800 --> 0:17:42.479 examine the entire picture. 0:17:43.000 --> 0:17:47.440 But see, envy sometimes feels like it could be the 0:17:47.520 --> 0:17:50.200 easy way out because now when you start to get curious, 0:17:50.240 --> 0:17:52.720 you got to hold yourself accountable. Right, So we're talking 0:17:52.760 --> 0:17:56.080 about acknowledging the way we feel. This is all work, right, 0:17:56.119 --> 0:17:58.840 This is not just like oh I don't like that bitch, right, 0:17:58.920 --> 0:18:01.480 Like I'm just hating or whatever it is to mask 0:18:01.560 --> 0:18:03.240 how you really feel. It's like, oh wait, how do 0:18:03.320 --> 0:18:06.840 I feel? Two? What can I control? Back to the 0:18:06.920 --> 0:18:09.280 question that don as mentioned in the previous episodes that 0:18:09.320 --> 0:18:11.359 I have like held on to for dear life. What 0:18:11.400 --> 0:18:16.600 can I control? Right and acknowledging and coming to grips 0:18:16.600 --> 0:18:20.040 with Okay, what do I need to do to start winning? 0:18:20.520 --> 0:18:22.560 Is that possibility? Is it possible for me, am I, 0:18:22.720 --> 0:18:24.719 you know, in a fair environment where I can do that? Like, 0:18:24.920 --> 0:18:28.200 it just opens up the door to possibilities if we're 0:18:28.240 --> 0:18:30.560 willing to get to that place right right, and also 0:18:30.600 --> 0:18:34.040 be being gentle with ourselves and knowing that it happens 0:18:34.080 --> 0:18:37.120 to the best of us, especially with social media these days. 0:18:37.040 --> 0:18:40.119 And having that self compassion, you know, like when you 0:18:40.400 --> 0:18:43.359 talk about be gentle with yourself and if we go 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:46.159 back to our office example Wishkira. 0:18:46.520 --> 0:18:49.560 You know, the reality is that. 0:18:51.280 --> 0:18:55.080 You might not be doing what needs to be done 0:18:55.119 --> 0:18:59.920 for you to win, right, And oftentimes that's the whole 0:19:00.200 --> 0:19:05.879 thing for us to acknowledge that. Okay, Well, Shakira is 0:19:05.960 --> 0:19:11.200 winning because Shakira is meeting all of her deadlines and all. 0:19:11.080 --> 0:19:14.080 Of her goals. 0:19:14.960 --> 0:19:20.679 Dominique over here not winning because Dominique is not doing 0:19:20.720 --> 0:19:26.560 the work. Dominique is showing up and doing the bare minimum, 0:19:28.600 --> 0:19:30.120 And why am I just showing. 0:19:29.880 --> 0:19:34.600 Up and doing the bare minimum. Maybe I'm unhappy in 0:19:34.640 --> 0:19:37.360 this position in the first place. Maybe I took this 0:19:37.520 --> 0:19:42.639 job because I needed a job, Bills got to be paid, 0:19:42.680 --> 0:19:44.320 and this was the one thing that was open. 0:19:45.800 --> 0:19:48.640 So now this envy. 0:19:48.400 --> 0:19:52.120 That this feeling of enemy that I recognize has led 0:19:52.240 --> 0:19:58.119 me down a deeper rabbit hole of self exploration and introspection, 0:19:58.920 --> 0:20:03.680 which could comp completely if I'm open to it, allow 0:20:03.840 --> 0:20:07.400 me to have a complete turnaround, because if I can 0:20:07.440 --> 0:20:09.160 look at it and I can say, okay, well, part 0:20:09.160 --> 0:20:13.160 of why I'm envious is because I'm in I am 0:20:13.200 --> 0:20:16.600 in a situation that is not meant for me, and 0:20:16.720 --> 0:20:19.560 so I need to figure out now that I know, 0:20:20.440 --> 0:20:23.440 I need to figure out what steps I can take 0:20:23.760 --> 0:20:26.560 to get out of that situation and put myself in 0:20:26.600 --> 0:20:28.720 a situation where I can win. 0:20:29.480 --> 0:20:31.560 And if you are in a situation where let's say 0:20:32.040 --> 0:20:34.919 dom is killing it and you're like, I'm still not 0:20:34.960 --> 0:20:37.680 getting any recognition or a promotion, then it's like, okay, 0:20:37.760 --> 0:20:39.840 let me have a conversation with my manager like, figure 0:20:39.840 --> 0:20:42.399 out what am I missing here because this person's winning. 0:20:42.600 --> 0:20:44.480 Now we're talking a lot about envy, and I want 0:20:44.520 --> 0:20:46.520 to share another example that came up for me where 0:20:46.520 --> 0:20:48.680 I had like a personal aha moment. And then I 0:20:48.720 --> 0:20:50.919 want to talk about jealousy because I feel like there 0:20:50.960 --> 0:20:54.160 are like a few different nuanced things that we got 0:20:54.160 --> 0:20:58.639 to cover when it comes to that affection and attention rivaling. 0:20:58.920 --> 0:21:00.480 So the thing I want to talk about well as 0:21:00.480 --> 0:21:03.040 it relates to envy. Lady, I don't know about you, 0:21:03.080 --> 0:21:05.560 but this episode is getting really good. So if you 0:21:06.000 --> 0:21:09.840 are resonating with anything that we've touched on today, please 0:21:09.880 --> 0:21:13.320 please please leave us a review on iTunes a five 0:21:13.400 --> 0:21:15.600 star review with a comment we read them all, we 0:21:15.680 --> 0:21:19.160 appreciate you, and also follow us on Instagram at her 0:21:19.200 --> 0:21:21.879 Space podcast. So I went to see my sister and 0:21:21.960 --> 0:21:24.200 my niece and nephew when I was on the East 0:21:24.200 --> 0:21:29.200 Coast doing my solo trip. And my sister she's so creative, 0:21:29.240 --> 0:21:32.280 she's so talented, and she decorated her home and I 0:21:32.280 --> 0:21:34.840 mean it looks so bombed. So she has I mean, 0:21:34.880 --> 0:21:36.520 she's so creative. She's one of those people where she 0:21:36.560 --> 0:21:39.200 can just go on a print, Pinterest and she can 0:21:39.359 --> 0:21:42.200 just recreate one of the looks. Right. So her living 0:21:42.240 --> 0:21:44.440 room looks so bombed. She has plants all over the place. 0:21:44.440 --> 0:21:47.960 It looks so good. And what happened was I was 0:21:48.000 --> 0:21:50.040 there and I remember I was just like giving her 0:21:50.040 --> 0:21:52.440 so many compliments, like, girl, this place looks so bombed. 0:21:52.600 --> 0:21:54.119 I want you to help me do my place like 0:21:54.119 --> 0:21:58.080 it looks so good. And I remember getting home after 0:21:58.119 --> 0:22:00.000 that trip and I text her picture on my living 0:22:00.160 --> 0:22:02.280 I'm like, okay, can you help me try to transform 0:22:02.320 --> 0:22:03.840 my living room? And so she gave me all these 0:22:03.880 --> 0:22:07.000 tips and then I felt really overwhelmed, and I was like, pause, 0:22:07.600 --> 0:22:10.240 wait a minute. You saw something you like that someone 0:22:10.240 --> 0:22:13.520 else has, which is great, right, I thought it was wonderful. 0:22:14.040 --> 0:22:16.320 I have a vision for myself on how I want 0:22:16.840 --> 0:22:20.080 my dream home to look. And what I realized I 0:22:20.160 --> 0:22:22.359 was trying to do was I was really trying to 0:22:23.680 --> 0:22:27.760 sort of put on a certain thing. In this case, 0:22:27.760 --> 0:22:30.520 it would be the decor of her home into my 0:22:30.680 --> 0:22:33.760 current place, in my current apartment, when I'm not really 0:22:33.840 --> 0:22:36.520 ready for that at my journey. And I was just like, damn, 0:22:36.560 --> 0:22:39.199 sometimes we want what someone has, but it's really not 0:22:39.240 --> 0:22:40.800 for you, or at least it's not for you right now, 0:22:40.840 --> 0:22:42.280 And I was like, you know what I had to 0:22:42.280 --> 0:22:42.520 tell her. 0:22:42.560 --> 0:22:43.240 I was like, you know, it's this. 0:22:43.359 --> 0:22:45.399 I got so overwhelmed from that list you sent me. 0:22:45.560 --> 0:22:47.520 I'm actually gonna pause on that. And I started to think, 0:22:47.840 --> 0:22:50.919