Speaker 1: The other thing is that his relationship with the work
Speaker 1: wife may be totally appropriate, but there's something about the
Speaker 1: work wife that is bringing up my insecurities. Right, So
Speaker 1: let's say because a common thing that can happen.
Speaker 2: Wait, do she got a big booty? Is that what
Speaker 2: it is?
Speaker 3: She not only does she have a big old body?
Speaker 1: The Welcome to Cultivating her Space. I'm doctor Don a
Speaker 1: college professor and licensed psychologist.
Speaker 4: And I'm Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. Every Friday,
Speaker 4: we initiate authentic conversations on everything from five roids to
Speaker 4: fake friends and sex work to self care.
Speaker 1: Join us as we create a safe space where black
Speaker 1: women can just.
Speaker 4: Be all right, lady, let's get into it.
Speaker 3: All right.
Speaker 1: So our quote of the day is I'm gonna just
Speaker 1: say it up front. It's a controversial one, and normally
Speaker 1: our quote of the day, I'm like, yes, let's put
Speaker 1: this on Instagram. Let's hashtag this like this quote is dope.
Speaker 1: This quote is not, but it is useful to dive
Speaker 1: into our conversation today. So our quote of the day
Speaker 1: comes from an unknown source who says true confidence has
Speaker 1: no room for jealousy and envy when you know you
Speaker 1: were great, there is no reason to hate. I found
Speaker 1: all kinds of problems with that quote, Lettie, What do
Speaker 1: you think?
Speaker 2: I think it's one of those quotes where it's like
Speaker 2: it sounds good and if you're having a good day,
Speaker 2: it's like yeah, girl caption. But then when you think
Speaker 2: about it, it's like it's shames whoever is having these
Speaker 2: very human and normal emotions of jealousy and envy. So
Speaker 2: if you read that, it's like, well, damn, what's wrong
Speaker 2: with me? I must not be confident because confidence has
Speaker 2: no room for jealousy and envy. Damn, I guess I'm
Speaker 2: a hater, Like you know what I mean, Like when
Speaker 2: it just to me is problematic and I don't think
Speaker 2: it's realistic.
Speaker 1: It also says I agree with all of that, and
Speaker 1: I would add to that, but that it says that
Speaker 1: if I experience jealousy or envy, then I must be
Speaker 1: hating on someone or hate someone or something, when that's
Speaker 1: not what jealousy and envy are.
Speaker 2: All about in the first place.
Speaker 3: You ready to dive into this.
Speaker 2: I'm ready to dive intown. I will say, though, just
Speaker 2: off the bat, this topic, like these two words us
Speaker 2: preparing content for this episode, I felt like there was
Speaker 2: an energy shift and it felt I don't know, these
Speaker 2: words just feel kind of heavy to me when I
Speaker 2: think about them, when I hear them, it makes me
Speaker 2: want to like whisper and like, you know, crouch down low,
Speaker 2: because it just feels so negative and so shameful. And
Speaker 2: I think about when I've experienced jealousy and envy and
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh my god, like I don't really want
Speaker 2: to talk about that, and it's uncomfortable and why do
Speaker 2: I feel this way? I want to beat myself up
Speaker 2: for feeling this, and so I'm really happy that we're
Speaker 2: diving into the topic. But I don't think this is
Speaker 2: an easy one because many of us just don't have
Speaker 2: conversations about these feelings.
Speaker 1: You're right, we don't talk about it, and these feelings
Speaker 1: come up all the.
Speaker 2: Time, especially with social media. Okay, I just felt this
Speaker 2: way earlier today. What happened? What happened? You put it
Speaker 2: out there, Now you gotta tell it. So I think
Speaker 2: it happens on and off. There are a few things
Speaker 2: you scrolling down and you see someone's picture and it's like,
Speaker 2: now the thing is before I tell you let's talk
Speaker 2: about what they actually mean, because I even get confused,
Speaker 2: and I think we use them interchangeably, so it's like, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm jealous or I'm envious, but it's like, wait, are
Speaker 2: you really using it correctly? So when we say jealousy, like,
Speaker 2: what does jealousy mean?
Speaker 1: So jealousy means usually involves a third party, So two
Speaker 1: people and a third party, right. Let me give an example.
Speaker 1: So let's say that you and your partner are you know,
Speaker 1: y'all have like a great relationship, everything's going smoothly, and
Speaker 1: then they have a new friend at work, and this
Speaker 1: new friend happens to be a woman, and you find
Speaker 1: yourself having some negative reactions to the amount of time
Speaker 1: time your partner is spending on work projects with this
Speaker 1: with this other woman. Those feelings that come up are
Speaker 1: probably jealousy.
Speaker 2: And what makes it jealousy is the fact that there's
Speaker 2: a third party involved. But also there's like a rival
Speaker 2: for affectionate attention. So it's like, my partner is giving
Speaker 2: this to that person, but I want that attention on me, yes, okay,
Speaker 2: Whereas envy occurs between only two people and it's best
Speaker 2: summed up as I want what you have. So just
Speaker 2: to kind of shift the example just a bit, let's
Speaker 2: say that, Oh, let's use a good example. I feel
Speaker 2: like a lot of women can resonate with this. I'm
Speaker 2: scrolling down Instagram and I see Meg the stallion's fine ass.
Speaker 2: Make the stallions, I think, make the stallions. She's like
Speaker 2: many people's body go. I mean she's like she's a stallion.
Speaker 2: I mean she's built right. So a lot of people
Speaker 2: may see or women may see that and they're like, damn,
Speaker 2: I want I want to make the stallion body. I
Speaker 2: want to make the stallion knees is everyone's talking about
Speaker 2: like I want that, you know. So I think envy
Speaker 2: is more so I want what you have, and then
Speaker 2: you have jealousy, which is a third party, and then
Speaker 2: it's a rival for that affectionate intention. I definitely use
Speaker 2: them interchangeably, and I use them incorrectly. I would say
Speaker 2: that mine is more so envy, but it's not. I
Speaker 2: think I think my feelings of jealous and envy have
Speaker 2: shifted over the years. I think I'm matured in that
Speaker 2: way now saying I'm never going to get to a
Speaker 2: point where I have like a negative feeling around that.
Speaker 2: But I haven't. I don't recall facing a negative, a
Speaker 2: very strong negative feeling around that in a while. But yeah,
Speaker 2: my example was just like scrolling down the timeline, you
Speaker 2: see someone just doing something dope, looking amazing or like
Speaker 2: on vacation, and it's like a quick like, oh damn,
Speaker 2: that's cool, but I want to do that right now,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean? Something like that.
Speaker 3: That's envy.
Speaker 1: But that is what we often will incorrectly label as jealousy.
Speaker 1: We tend to, like you said, like we tend to
Speaker 1: group envy and jealousy in the all behaviors of Indian
Speaker 1: jealousy in the same category, when they really are not
Speaker 1: to me. When I think about it, I think about
Speaker 1: envy as and both of them do come from internal space, right,
Speaker 1: internal like sign of something, and that's where they can
Speaker 1: kind of differ.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: So when I think about, okay, scrolling Instagram or something
Speaker 1: some social media platform and I see someone and I
Speaker 1: see like make the sallion, and I'm like, ooh, I
Speaker 1: wish I had her knees, right, that's envy, like we said.
Speaker 1: And I can say that in passing and not feel
Speaker 1: I can keep moving with my day, right, I don't
Speaker 1: necessarily let that tear me down, and I'm not more
Speaker 1: than likely going to do anything to harm make the
Speaker 1: stallion in her knees. Right, So that's how we know
Speaker 1: that it's envy. Jealousy would be more if Megan and
Speaker 1: I were besties, right, and I'm like, girl, I like
Speaker 1: your knees. I need to have your knees, like I'm
Speaker 1: jealous that I that I don't have knees like yours,
Speaker 1: and then I do something to harm her.
Speaker 2: I think there's a little difference there. So I think
Speaker 2: with jealousy, there's that this is I'm just learning this,
Speaker 2: so this is why I'm like, wait, let me look
Speaker 2: at the note somebody reiterated, right, because it which is
Speaker 2: why I want us to die.
Speaker 3: That's why I'm putting these exams out there.
Speaker 2: Good stuff, so that when we feel an emotion, we're
Speaker 2: able to like say, this is what it is. It
Speaker 2: With the jealousy, there's there's a third party missing. So
Speaker 2: I think what you shared about her knees, that would
Speaker 2: be envy. But I feel like you can have like
Speaker 2: you can you can be jealous and it not be
Speaker 2: like a negative or like hostile jealousy or the same
Speaker 2: with end like it can be harmless. But I think
Speaker 2: with jealousy it would be like, okay, so may the
Speaker 2: style and I do follow her as you'll probably see
Speaker 2: or hear as I continue to talk about her and
Speaker 2: her she has a dog. It's a cute little I
Speaker 2: think it's like a bit bull or something like that,
Speaker 2: think so or Frenchy or something. And her dog's name
Speaker 2: is Foe. So if you and make the Style and
Speaker 2: were besties and she was given Fae more attention, then
Speaker 2: you be jealous because you want the attention and affection
Speaker 2: on you and not Faue.
Speaker 3: So because her knees are part of her.
Speaker 1: Person, that's not considered a third party exactly, and so
Speaker 1: then that's why that would still remain envy and not
Speaker 1: jealousy exactly.
Speaker 2: God, yes, we got it, okay, because I tell you
Speaker 2: I definitely have used these words the wrong way. So
Speaker 2: I'm like, all right, okay, this is what it means.
Speaker 2: And so when you think about envy, So I was
Speaker 2: reading this article and it said that there were two
Speaker 2: different types. This is psychology today, but two different types
Speaker 2: of envy. And so there's the hostile envy and there's
Speaker 2: depressed envy. And I think this leads to what we
Speaker 2: were talking about before. So, depressed envy occurs when someone
Speaker 2: else's success makes you feel worse about you or your life.
Speaker 2: You feel diminished, you feel lost, you feel defeated, you
Speaker 2: feel humiliated. You see this person. I'm just gonna bring
Speaker 2: up social media because I feel like that's easy access
Speaker 2: for everyone to feel these emotions. You see that person,
Speaker 2: I know it happens like so many wildly successful people,
Speaker 2: and you're like, oh my gosh, this person is in
Speaker 2: Dubai again, or this person's on a jet or this
Speaker 2: it impacts your status, right, and it makes you feel
Speaker 2: worse about yourself. That is depressed envy. And then you
Speaker 2: have hostile envy, and that occurs when you feel angry
Speaker 2: and want the other person to fail in some way.
Speaker 1: Ah. So if we go back to my Meg the
Speaker 1: Stallion example, right, So the first part of that when
Speaker 1: I'm like just looking at her on Instagram and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: I wish I had her knees, And then I start
Speaker 1: feeling bad about myself because I don't have her knees.
Speaker 3: Then and maybe I.
Speaker 1: Start engaging in self sabotaging behavior and I do all
Speaker 1: kinds whatever writing least to all these other negative behaviors,
Speaker 1: that's the depressed envy. But then if I'm in that
Speaker 1: space where I'm like me and Meg are bestie's and
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I need to take her knees out
Speaker 1: because I because if she continues to have those knees
Speaker 1: and I don't have those knees, and that becomes hostile envy.
Speaker 2: Yes, hostile envy. And then they say that some people
Speaker 2: identify a third envy, which is benign envy. So this
Speaker 2: is when you have positive admiration of the qualities of
Speaker 2: another person.
Speaker 3: So that's when I'm looking at it.
Speaker 1: And instead of me having these other two feelings, I'm
Speaker 1: looking at Meg's knees and I'm like, man, she got
Speaker 1: some badass knees, Like that's real low, Damn, that's so dope.
Speaker 3: Shout out to Meg for having them bomb ass knees.
Speaker 2: Yes, okay. And so it actually makes me think about
Speaker 2: something that happened recently with me where I went home
Speaker 2: to visit family and I stay there for a week,
Speaker 2: and I went to go see my best friend who
Speaker 2: just had a baby. Now, if you haven't caught up
Speaker 2: on some of our episodes, I they've been trying to
Speaker 2: get pregnant for It's been two years now, which is crazy.
Speaker 2: A little over two years, which is like bizarre to
Speaker 2: even think that so much time has gone by. And
Speaker 2: my best friend and I we were pregnant together this year,
Speaker 2: like earlier, I had a miscarre she ended up having
Speaker 2: her baby, and so as you can imagine, there could
Speaker 2: have been a lot of different emotions that came up
Speaker 2: being there. So I got to see her and her newborn,
Speaker 2: I got to hold him, take pictures. I was so excited,
Speaker 2: and I remember just thinking to myself, I was like,
Speaker 2: I just had like a personal moment where I was like,
Speaker 2: I'm so proud of you because I am like genuinely
Speaker 2: excited for her, and I'm excited for her, I love
Speaker 2: her baby, and I still want my baby. And so
Speaker 2: when I think about these definitions, I was envious, but
Speaker 2: it was benign envy. It was like a positive admiration.
Speaker 2: I had good vibes, it was all good, you know,
Speaker 2: good energy. But at the same time, I still wanted
Speaker 2: the thing that I've been trying to manifest. Yeah, it's normal,
Speaker 2: it's normal.
Speaker 1: Those are normal feelings to have. If you had come
Speaker 1: back and use said you had not experienced that at
Speaker 1: all and it didn't bring up anything for you. I
Speaker 1: would actually be that's when I would be questioning your
Speaker 1: mental health, like are you sure everything's okay?
Speaker 3: Like maybe you might be in some deep denial.
Speaker 1: Because it's not that you have to have that feeling
Speaker 1: and it has to be like a deep depression.
Speaker 2: Because of it.
Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be depressed envy, right, but it
Speaker 1: should come up on some level like that feeling, and
Speaker 1: even if it lasted like a fleeting moment, it should
Speaker 1: come up.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I think that's a good point. I think that
Speaker 2: Oh man, I just lost my train of thought jealousy, envy.
Speaker 2: Oh so I although I'm in that space with this
Speaker 2: particular I want to say issue I had benign and
Speaker 2: be there. It was positive, everything was great. I still
Speaker 2: want to hold space for when we have situations where
Speaker 2: someone is just having a rough time, where it's like
Speaker 2: depressive envy or jealousy or even hostile. Maybe you are
Speaker 2: having some thoughts like I want to do something because
Speaker 2: I'm just so fucking mad. Let's say, for instance, like
Speaker 2: this one person just make up a name. Let's say
Speaker 2: Shakira at the office, right, Shakira, she is always winning
Speaker 2: and she's just like the star player. You're never celebrated,
Speaker 2: and you're just like, what the fuck that right there?
Speaker 4: Wait?
Speaker 2: Wait, wait, that would be that would be envy and
Speaker 2: not jealousy. If she's winning and you just want to
Speaker 2: win because you haven't been chosen, right, and let's say
Speaker 2: that you're like, I want to sabotage her, I want
Speaker 2: to do something. What do we do then? Right? And like,
Speaker 2: how do we feel when emotions come up? Because I
Speaker 2: know in the past, whenever a jealousy or envy has
Speaker 2: come up for me, I judge myself. I am I
Speaker 2: feel a lot of shame. I'm like, you shouldn't feel
Speaker 2: this way. Why do you feel this way? You should
Speaker 2: you should be grateful for all that God has given
Speaker 2: you that person, that's their blessing. Like, it's just a
Speaker 2: lot of shame. And I think that when we have
Speaker 2: a conversation around coping and moving through the feelings, that's important.
Speaker 2: But I also want to talk about how does it
Speaker 2: feel to just sit with it? You know, well, that's
Speaker 2: it's uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: I mean it's uncomfortable because it's forcing you to have
Speaker 1: to ask yourself and look at Okay, well, what are
Speaker 1: the things that need to possibly change in my life,
Speaker 1: because something's got to change in order for me to
Speaker 1: stop feeling this way. Right, So, if Shakira is constantly
Speaker 1: winning and I'm not, and I'm upset that I'm not winning,
Speaker 1: well one, let me acknowledge that I am upset that
Speaker 1: I'm not winning.
Speaker 2: There, acknowledge it first, right when I in denial and
Speaker 2: not being passive aggressive, we are acknowledging.
Speaker 1: I'm acknowledging that I am upset that I am not winning.
Speaker 1: And then I step back and I say, and I
Speaker 1: figure out. I evaluate the situation to figure out what
Speaker 1: might be the roadblocks that are keeping me from winning.
Speaker 1: And the thing to pay attention to is that those
Speaker 1: roadblocks could be my own internal stuff, it could be
Speaker 1: external stuff in my environment. But I won't know for
Speaker 1: sure unless I keep an open mind and try to
Speaker 1: examine the entire picture.
Speaker 2: But see, envy sometimes feels like it could be the
Speaker 2: easy way out because now when you start to get curious,
Speaker 2: you got to hold yourself accountable. Right, So we're talking
Speaker 2: about acknowledging the way we feel. This is all work, right,
Speaker 2: This is not just like oh I don't like that bitch, right,
Speaker 2: Like I'm just hating or whatever it is to mask
Speaker 2: how you really feel. It's like, oh wait, how do
Speaker 2: I feel? Two? What can I control? Back to the
Speaker 2: question that don as mentioned in the previous episodes that
Speaker 2: I have like held on to for dear life. What
Speaker 2: can I control? Right and acknowledging and coming to grips
Speaker 2: with Okay, what do I need to do to start winning?
Speaker 2: Is that possibility? Is it possible for me, am I,
Speaker 2: you know, in a fair environment where I can do that? Like,
Speaker 2: it just opens up the door to possibilities if we're
Speaker 2: willing to get to that place right right, and also
Speaker 2: be being gentle with ourselves and knowing that it happens
Speaker 2: to the best of us, especially with social media these days.
Speaker 1: And having that self compassion, you know, like when you
Speaker 1: talk about be gentle with yourself and if we go
Speaker 1: back to our office example Wishkira.
Speaker 3: You know, the reality is that.
Speaker 1: You might not be doing what needs to be done
Speaker 1: for you to win, right, And oftentimes that's the whole
Speaker 1: thing for us to acknowledge that. Okay, Well, Shakira is
Speaker 1: winning because Shakira is meeting all of her deadlines and all.
Speaker 2: Of her goals.
Speaker 5: Dominique over here not winning because Dominique is not doing
Speaker 5: the work. Dominique is showing up and doing the bare minimum,
Speaker 5: And why am I just showing.
Speaker 1: Up and doing the bare minimum. Maybe I'm unhappy in
Speaker 1: this position in the first place. Maybe I took this
Speaker 1: job because I needed a job, Bills got to be paid,
Speaker 1: and this was the one thing that was open.
Speaker 3: So now this envy.
Speaker 1: That this feeling of enemy that I recognize has led
Speaker 1: me down a deeper rabbit hole of self exploration and introspection,
Speaker 1: which could comp completely if I'm open to it, allow
Speaker 1: me to have a complete turnaround, because if I can
Speaker 1: look at it and I can say, okay, well, part
Speaker 1: of why I'm envious is because I'm in I am
Speaker 1: in a situation that is not meant for me, and
Speaker 1: so I need to figure out now that I know,
Speaker 1: I need to figure out what steps I can take
Speaker 1: to get out of that situation and put myself in
Speaker 1: a situation where I can win.
Speaker 2: And if you are in a situation where let's say
Speaker 2: dom is killing it and you're like, I'm still not
Speaker 2: getting any recognition or a promotion, then it's like, okay,
Speaker 2: let me have a conversation with my manager like, figure
Speaker 2: out what am I missing here because this person's winning.
Speaker 2: Now we're talking a lot about envy, and I want
Speaker 2: to share another example that came up for me where
Speaker 2: I had like a personal aha moment. And then I
Speaker 2: want to talk about jealousy because I feel like there
Speaker 2: are like a few different nuanced things that we got
Speaker 2: to cover when it comes to that affection and attention rivaling.
Speaker 2: So the thing I want to talk about well as
Speaker 2: it relates to envy. Lady, I don't know about you,
Speaker 2: but this episode is getting really good. So if you
Speaker 2: are resonating with anything that we've touched on today, please
Speaker 2: please please leave us a review on iTunes a five
Speaker 2: star review with a comment we read them all, we
Speaker 2: appreciate you, and also follow us on Instagram at her
Speaker 2: Space podcast. So I went to see my sister and
Speaker 2: my niece and nephew when I was on the East
Speaker 2: Coast doing my solo trip. And my sister she's so creative,
Speaker 2: she's so talented, and she decorated her home and I
Speaker 2: mean it looks so bombed. So she has I mean,
Speaker 2: she's so creative. She's one of those people where she
Speaker 2: can just go on a print, Pinterest and she can
Speaker 2: just recreate one of the looks. Right. So her living
Speaker 2: room looks so bombed. She has plants all over the place.
Speaker 2: It looks so good. And what happened was I was
Speaker 2: there and I remember I was just like giving her
Speaker 2: so many compliments, like, girl, this place looks so bombed.
Speaker 2: I want you to help me do my place like
Speaker 2: it looks so good. And I remember getting home after
Speaker 2: that trip and I text her picture on my living
Speaker 2: I'm like, okay, can you help me try to transform
Speaker 2: my living room? And so she gave me all these
Speaker 2: tips and then I felt really overwhelmed, and I was like, pause,
Speaker 2: wait a minute. You saw something you like that someone
Speaker 2: else has, which is great, right, I thought it was wonderful.
Speaker 2: I have a vision for myself on how I want
Speaker 2: my dream home to look. And what I realized I
Speaker 2: was trying to do was I was really trying to
Speaker 2: sort of put on a certain thing. In this case,
Speaker 2: it would be the decor of her home into my
Speaker 2: current place, in my current apartment, when I'm not really
Speaker 2: ready for that at my journey. And I was just like, damn,
Speaker 2: sometimes we want what someone has, but it's really not
Speaker 2: for you, or at least it's not for you right now,
Speaker 2: And I was like, you know what I had to
Speaker 2: tell her.
Speaker 4: I was like, you know, it's this.
Speaker 2: I got so overwhelmed from that list you sent me.
Speaker 2: I'm actually gonna pause on that. And I started to think,
Speaker 2: do I want what I want because she has it?
Speaker 2: Or do I want it because it's a good fit
Speaker 2: for me right now? And based on where we are,
Speaker 2: my husband and I probably aren't going to be in
Speaker 2: this apartment for super long. We also when we do move,
Speaker 2: you know, it's not super what is it. It's temporary,
Speaker 2: So when we do move, we're gonna have a lot
Speaker 2: more stuff to move. If I were to buy all
Speaker 2: this new Ducorse, I was like, honestly, it really doesn't
Speaker 2: make sense for me to even do all that. I
Speaker 2: can appreciate what she has and let that sit in
Speaker 2: that space and not have to like recreate that for myself.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: That's an excellent, excellent notice because I think that oftentimes
Speaker 1: we take that positive feeling and it fuels our motivation
Speaker 1: into something, and then we are constantly overwhelmed. And this
Speaker 1: is how we end up with initially three things on
Speaker 1: our to do list, and before you know, it because
Speaker 1: we get so fueled and motivated by other people doing
Speaker 1: great things.
Speaker 3: We're like, oh.
Speaker 1: Shit, yeah, I could do that too, That's an excellent
Speaker 1: idea to upstart my life. And next thing you know,
Speaker 1: you went from three things on the to do list
Speaker 1: to twenty five things.
Speaker 3: And then you are stressed.
Speaker 2: Out because you're not flowing. You're forcing. And it's like
Speaker 2: you being on the highway right and you're in your
Speaker 2: own lane, but you look over and you're like, oh damn,
Speaker 2: she over there in the middle lane. She got her
Speaker 2: test SLA traffic is going super smooth, so you move
Speaker 2: over into her lane, and now you're stuck. You didn't
Speaker 2: face some obstacles, and it's because you are not even
Speaker 2: in your own lane. You are in the wrong space.
Speaker 2: You're not supposed to be there. You aren't supposed to
Speaker 2: be doing none of that shit. You're supposed to be
Speaker 2: in your space, getting quiet with yourself so you can
Speaker 2: figure out what do I really want, not what looked
Speaker 2: good on someone else, and what I might want to
Speaker 2: try to bring over to me, Because what would have
Speaker 2: probably happened was I would have got all this new stuff.
Speaker 2: Then I would have been stressed out when we had
Speaker 2: to move because we got all this extra stuff. And
Speaker 2: I would have been like, you know what I done,
Speaker 2: did all that because that felt so positive and it
Speaker 2: seems so right and it seems so good. But now
Speaker 2: I'm back at square one. Now I'm envious to something
Speaker 2: else because I was just doing stuff just to be
Speaker 2: doing it.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean, right, and which you And
Speaker 1: the thing is is that you could take all those
Speaker 1: ideas that your sister sent you and save it somewhere
Speaker 1: on the cloud and label it my dream home exactly
Speaker 1: and know that it is going to be there when
Speaker 1: your time.
Speaker 2: Is right, when your time is right. And now transitioning
Speaker 2: onto the jealousy component, because the thing about jealousy is
Speaker 2: it's a little different because when you are jealous, there
Speaker 2: are three parties involved, right, you and two other people.
Speaker 2: And so let's say we're going to use the example.
Speaker 2: I won't use Meg thee stallion again. We'll move on
Speaker 2: to something else. But let's say that it's the coworker.
Speaker 2: You said, So your partner has this new coworker. It's
Speaker 2: a person of the opposite sex or same sex, whatever,
Speaker 2: someone that they're spending more time with. And you are
Speaker 2: you're jealous because your partner is spending more time with
Speaker 2: their new coworker. Let's say it's your partners. I don't know,
Speaker 2: everyone has a work wife, they say, right, it's the
Speaker 2: work life. So now what needs to happen after you
Speaker 2: acknowledge your feelings and figure out how you feel, you
Speaker 2: need to have a conversation with your partner, right, Why
Speaker 2: you feel that you're not getting enough attention or affection.
Speaker 2: How can they help out with that? How can you
Speaker 2: all kind of come to a medium? Is there anything
Speaker 2: inappropriate or like, is there anything that's crossing boundaries with
Speaker 2: this work wife or this person? Right, like having a conversation,
Speaker 2: which does open the door for vulnerability, right, because you're
Speaker 2: really putting yourself out there. But in those situations, I
Speaker 2: think it's best to have that conversation with your partner.
Speaker 2: And if it's a good partner and it's someone that
Speaker 2: is understanding, they will try to figure out how you
Speaker 2: all can meet each other halfway. Right.
Speaker 1: And the way I like to describe it is you
Speaker 1: have a healthy relationship.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: And so the thing to think about is, like we
Speaker 1: said earlier, those feelings of envy and jealousy are normal.
Speaker 1: Jealousy is almost like an instinctual survival feeling that gets
Speaker 1: triggered in us to let us know that something is off,
Speaker 1: something needs to change. Right, The key is figuring out
Speaker 1: accurately identifying what is that thing that needs to change. So,
Speaker 1: like you said, Okay, so I'm gonna have a conversation
Speaker 1: with my partner to let my partner know that I'm
Speaker 1: having a negative reaction, like I'm starting to feel jealous
Speaker 1: of your relationship with your work wife, and let's kind
Speaker 1: of tap into let's figure out why am I feeling jealous.
Speaker 1: It could be, like you said, like a survival thing
Speaker 1: of my instinct kicking in to let me know that
Speaker 1: there may be some boundary crossing, some inappropriate behavior going
Speaker 1: on between the two of them that needs to be addressed.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: It could be that our relationship is experiencing some issues
Speaker 1: and maybe, like you said, I'm not feeling the affection
Speaker 1: that I used to receive, and so that's why I'm
Speaker 1: feeling jealous because not that he may be giving his
Speaker 1: work wife any affection, because he may be very boundary
Speaker 1: with her, but it may be causing him to be
Speaker 1: less affectionate with me for whatever reason. The affection is
Speaker 1: not there. The other thing is that his relationship with
Speaker 1: the work wife may be totally appropriate, but there is
Speaker 1: something about the work wife that is bringing up my insecurities. Right,
Speaker 1: So let's say because a common thing that can happen.
Speaker 2: Wait, does she got a big booty? Is that what
Speaker 2: it is?
Speaker 3: She not only does she have a big.
Speaker 2: Old body, but she works out and she is fit.
Speaker 1: Now, you just had a baby, right, and you're happy
Speaker 1: with You are happy, Like, there's no postpartu in blues
Speaker 1: or anything. Right, you are happy. However, how I said, However,
Speaker 1: you and you're trying, you've been kind of struggling with
Speaker 1: getting back into working out, and you see the work.
Speaker 3: Wife and you're like, motherfucker, Like and now you're jealous.
Speaker 1: You're jealous, Yes, exactly right. You got both of those
Speaker 1: things happening, because you're like, one, she's you're envious of
Speaker 1: how bad she is, right, how bad her body is,
Speaker 1: her body is had to hurt, she's like hashtag body goals.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: But then you're jealous because you're like, this woman who
Speaker 1: I have some envy towards, is also spending time with
Speaker 1: my husband. Now, again, there is nothing inappropriate happening between the.
Speaker 3: Two two of them. It is your own.
Speaker 1: Insecurities that is making you upset, right, And so it's
Speaker 1: about tapping into really trying to identify, accurately identified what
Speaker 1: may be going on.
Speaker 3: And the first thing is technowledge it.
Speaker 1: Like we keep saying, you know, because I really want
Speaker 1: us to really understand that is that those feelings are
Speaker 1: normal and real.
Speaker 3: And it is okay to have those feelings.
Speaker 2: It's what we do with those.
Speaker 1: Feelings that can end up being problematic. Right, So we
Speaker 1: step back and we're like, all right, yeah, I'm jealous
Speaker 1: of her, but I don't have to act on that, Like,
Speaker 1: I don't have to engage in a negative way. I
Speaker 1: don't need to. I don't have to do anything to
Speaker 1: sabotage my relationship or his work relationship. I don't have
Speaker 1: to engage in any type of negative behavior. I have
Speaker 1: a conversation with my husband.
Speaker 2: There you go, right, and then getting reassurance like what
Speaker 2: reassurance do you need to make sure that your relationship
Speaker 2: is saw because jealousy the foundation is Wait a second,
Speaker 2: there's a something is changing with my social relationship, right,
Speaker 2: And so one of the tips that we've continuously shared
Speaker 2: is recognize it, like acknowledge what's going on. I would
Speaker 2: say number two would be for me, like kill it
Speaker 2: with kindness, and I kill them with kindness. Kill it
Speaker 2: with kindness. And I know for me, oftentimes when I
Speaker 2: feel something come up or I'm like, oh damn, that
Speaker 2: person achieved a goal that I really want to achieve,
Speaker 2: I will show love like immediately, But I'm not with
Speaker 2: the fake love stuff, like if it's fake love, I
Speaker 2: just ain't gonna show no love at all. But I
Speaker 2: really encourage myself, like, you need to compliment that person,
Speaker 2: Like I kind of have my devil and angel on
Speaker 2: your side, and it's like mm hmm, you ain't gonna
Speaker 2: not being a hater today. Go ahead and complish. Tell
Speaker 2: that girl she looks good, Okay, congratulate that person. And
Speaker 2: I do that because it just it does feel good
Speaker 2: when you when you give positive energy. So I do
Speaker 2: encourage myself to push past how you feel and show
Speaker 2: the love that you would want someone to show you, right,
Speaker 2: because when you win, you want someone to show love.
Speaker 2: So even though I may have some feelings that I'm
Speaker 2: still processing and working through, I do my best to
Speaker 2: kill it with kindness and show love.
Speaker 1: Anyway, I would say to also, in this instance, reach
Speaker 1: out to a support your support system, right, because I
Speaker 1: keep it because I think back to our specific example.
Speaker 1: If you are a new mom that has you, you
Speaker 1: need the support, and so those feelings like are so
Speaker 1: real and so impactful that getting that support, like reaching
Speaker 1: out to like find your homegirls, find the people who
Speaker 1: you know are going to be your cheerleaders, because this
Speaker 1: may be one of those instances where your partner doesn't
Speaker 1: really understand, right, and so and I'm speaking you know,
Speaker 1: I recognize that I'm speaking about this from a heterosexual
Speaker 1: relationship perspective, but no matter what the gender dynamics are,
Speaker 1: your partner might not have an understanding of what it
Speaker 1: is that you were going through. And so you reach
Speaker 1: out and you find community from people who can be supportive,
Speaker 1: and as always, seek a therapist.
Speaker 2: There you go. I would agree with that, and I
Speaker 2: would also say just doing a reality check as well,
Speaker 2: like just chatting with yourself. And I think we live
Speaker 2: in a world that's so noisy and so busy. We
Speaker 2: got social media trying to get your attention. You got Netflix,
Speaker 2: just endless shows at any time you know you want, right,
Speaker 2: you can just tune in. But I think getting still
Speaker 2: with yourself is so key and reminding yourself that you
Speaker 2: can be happy for someone and still want something that
Speaker 2: they might have, but want it for yourself.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: So, for instance, like I was sharing earlier, I'm so
Speaker 2: happy for the baby, he's so cute, I had so
Speaker 2: much fun with him. At the same time, I still
Speaker 2: want my baby, right likely, So it's okay to have
Speaker 2: all those feelings coexist and just being real with yourself
Speaker 2: again about how you feel and what you might be
Speaker 2: able to do to change the circumstance. Right.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And if you find that you're still struggling, consult
Speaker 1: a therapists. That therapist will can help you work through
Speaker 1: all of those feelings. And sometimes we need that unbiased
Speaker 1: opinion to help us really sort through things and help
Speaker 1: us get into a good problem solving mode once we've
Speaker 1: gotten to the foundation of what the issues are. Please
Speaker 1: note that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice,
Speaker 1: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no
Speaker 1: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal
Speaker 1: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you are
Speaker 1: someone you know is in need of mental health care,
Speaker 1: please visit the Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology Today,
Speaker 1: or contact your insurance provider.
Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep
Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and
Speaker 2: Twitter at herspace podcast, or check out our website at
Speaker 2: herspace podcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat
Speaker 2: after me, I know that everything is working out for
Speaker 2: my good, even when things don't go as planned.
Speaker 3: We'll see you next week, Lady.