1 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:12,879 Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't 2 00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:16,640 Speaker 1: a liability. It's a real guest. If we don't know 3 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:18,960 Speaker 1: something about ourselves at this point in our life, it's 4 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:22,439 Speaker 1: probably because it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die 5 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,840 Speaker 1: before you die, then you can really live. There's a 6 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:30,480 Speaker 1: wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah, 7 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:32,479 Speaker 1: and I didn't know what to do because there was 8 00:00:32,479 --> 00:00:36,000 Speaker 1: no internet. I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel 9 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:41,480 Speaker 1: like everything is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat. 10 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:45,080 Speaker 1: I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second. And 11 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 1: right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope 12 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 1: encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others, 13 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:58,040 Speaker 1: and the world around you. Welcome to You Need Therapy. 14 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:03,520 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Therapy podcast. 15 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:05,840 Speaker 1: My name is Kat. I am the host. If you 16 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:09,120 Speaker 1: are new or just maybe need the reminder before we 17 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:12,360 Speaker 1: get into today's episode, I want to let you guys 18 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,880 Speaker 1: know that although this podcast is called You Need Therapy 19 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:19,880 Speaker 1: and I am a therapist, it does not serve as 20 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:25,360 Speaker 1: a replacement or a substitute for any actual mental health services. However, 21 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,679 Speaker 1: I do always hope that it can help you in 22 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:32,720 Speaker 1: some way, and especially today, I hope it can help 23 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:37,200 Speaker 1: maybe clarify some things for you that maybe you then 24 00:01:37,319 --> 00:01:41,040 Speaker 1: might talk about in your own therapy sessions or contemplate 25 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:47,280 Speaker 1: maybe even getting some professional help after kind of sifting 26 00:01:47,319 --> 00:01:50,160 Speaker 1: through and sitting on what I'm going to be talking 27 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:53,120 Speaker 1: about today, Or maybe it might even give you some 28 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:56,760 Speaker 1: clarity and some hope and some understanding of your own 29 00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:01,040 Speaker 1: experience without taking that extra step to go into your 30 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:04,680 Speaker 1: own therapeutic process. This episode might just be a little 31 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:09,960 Speaker 1: bit validating in general, because today I thought it would 32 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,760 Speaker 1: be helpful to talk about something that often gets a 33 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:16,560 Speaker 1: little glazed over or somewhat left in the dust of 34 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:24,840 Speaker 1: conversations in the mental health field. Generically. I think I 35 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:28,040 Speaker 1: will even say, before I went I mean, this was 36 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:30,120 Speaker 1: a long time ago, and I think that in general 37 00:02:30,919 --> 00:02:32,800 Speaker 1: and maybe adults, has to do with the fact that, like, 38 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:36,560 Speaker 1: I'm in a different space and surround myself in environments 39 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,760 Speaker 1: where people are more educated around this stuff. But before 40 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:43,880 Speaker 1: I went to school, this was information I had no 41 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:47,840 Speaker 1: idea about and I thought very differently about, and so 42 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:52,200 Speaker 1: I just thought would be helpful to get into different 43 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,760 Speaker 1: types of trauma. We've talked about trauma many times before 44 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:58,640 Speaker 1: on this podcast, obviously it's going to come up in 45 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:02,880 Speaker 1: a mental health minded podcast. We've talked about what is trauma, 46 00:03:02,919 --> 00:03:06,760 Speaker 1: We've talked about PTSD, we've talked about we've actually talked 47 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,320 Speaker 1: about big T trauma and little T trauma. But today 48 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:12,959 Speaker 1: we're really going to hone in on specifically little T 49 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,120 Speaker 1: trauma and give it the attention that it really deserves. 50 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:20,160 Speaker 1: In my intake paperwork, this is pretty interesting to me. 51 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,680 Speaker 1: It was interesting as I started my journey as a therapist. 52 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,840 Speaker 1: But in my intake paperwork, there's a part that asks 53 00:03:27,639 --> 00:03:30,800 Speaker 1: about past traumas that have been experienced by the person 54 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:34,680 Speaker 1: that's feeling it out. And oftentimes people might leave that 55 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:38,080 Speaker 1: blank or say I prefer not to write anything down 56 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: because they just, you know, want to get to know 57 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:45,720 Speaker 1: me before they share some really intimate details of their lives. However, 58 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 1: most of the time this thing gets left blank. When 59 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:54,120 Speaker 1: it gets left blank, it's because the people just simply answer, 60 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,600 Speaker 1: oh no, and they say, no, I haven't ever experienced 61 00:03:56,640 --> 00:04:00,840 Speaker 1: in anything like that. And I've come to learn that 62 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:04,880 Speaker 1: the way that that question is answered isn't necessarily because 63 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:08,280 Speaker 1: they haven't experienced trauma. And it's also not because they 64 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:12,320 Speaker 1: don't want to acknowledge their trauma because they are intentionally 65 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:16,400 Speaker 1: avoiding it or they're making a conscious effort to invalidate 66 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:21,360 Speaker 1: or minimize their experiences. It's because collectively, as a society, 67 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:26,440 Speaker 1: we have not come to really understand what can be traumatic, 68 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:31,359 Speaker 1: what experiences in our lives go into that category. And also, 69 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:34,200 Speaker 1: before we get into a lot of what I'm going 70 00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:37,160 Speaker 1: to say, this is really any episode, This is in 71 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,719 Speaker 1: general how I operate. But I'm giving you guys some 72 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,760 Speaker 1: information and some ideas, and then you get to decide 73 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:45,799 Speaker 1: what you want to do with that information in those ideas, 74 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:49,520 Speaker 1: and I fully believe that we individually get to identify 75 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:53,400 Speaker 1: what is and what isn't traumatic, and the range of 76 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:57,080 Speaker 1: those things is allowed to fluctuate person to person. I've 77 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:01,280 Speaker 1: talked on here before about how one thing being traumatic 78 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,280 Speaker 1: for one person might not equal it to being traumatic 79 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:08,360 Speaker 1: for another person. And for this episode to be helpful 80 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:11,640 Speaker 1: and for it to be not harmful to put out, 81 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,440 Speaker 1: I really want to encourage us to invite in the 82 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:19,599 Speaker 1: idea of nuance and the nuance of mental health into 83 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:24,200 Speaker 1: this conversation because I'm going to share some examples on here, 84 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:28,960 Speaker 1: and they don't necessarily translate to if you experience those 85 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,960 Speaker 1: things that means you've experienced trauma. It translates more to 86 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:37,279 Speaker 1: if you experience those things, you might have experienced trauma. 87 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,719 Speaker 1: You are going to be the only one who really 88 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:43,000 Speaker 1: is able to differentiate and maybe with the help of somebody, 89 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:46,320 Speaker 1: but differentiate between what is and what isn't what has 90 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,560 Speaker 1: been and what has not been traumatic for you, because 91 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:53,520 Speaker 1: again it's different person to person. But I think my 92 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,520 Speaker 1: hope in this episode, and the reason I really want 93 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:58,159 Speaker 1: to talk about this stuff more is because we have 94 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:01,599 Speaker 1: these ideas of what trauma is, and we've really limited 95 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:05,679 Speaker 1: ourselves and so we're missing out on things that really 96 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:09,000 Speaker 1: may have affected us. We're missing out on the opportunity 97 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,960 Speaker 1: to acknowledge that and heal from that because we aren't 98 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:15,600 Speaker 1: acknowledging it. So today we're just going to give some 99 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:19,960 Speaker 1: context to what can be traumatic, not what is what 100 00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:23,320 Speaker 1: can be traumatic, not to tell you what has been 101 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:26,000 Speaker 1: traumatic for you, but so you have a better idea 102 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,920 Speaker 1: of what might be traumatic for you, so we can 103 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:32,680 Speaker 1: open up more space, so you can have feelings and 104 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:38,279 Speaker 1: you can have had feelings about your own experiences, And 105 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,080 Speaker 1: like I said earlier, I've done an episode on like 106 00:06:41,279 --> 00:06:44,159 Speaker 1: if everything's trauma, what is trauma? And so I really 107 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:47,520 Speaker 1: want to reiterate before we move forward. I feel like 108 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:51,520 Speaker 1: I'm a disclaimer after a disclaimer after disclaimer, which I 109 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,280 Speaker 1: was actually listening to another mental health minded podcast and 110 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,239 Speaker 1: it seemed like they're like, the first forty five minutes 111 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:59,320 Speaker 1: of their podcast was disclaimers. I think that just actually 112 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:04,000 Speaker 1: goes to show how careful we have to be about 113 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:07,080 Speaker 1: the information that we are giving on large platforms like this, 114 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:11,880 Speaker 1: because things can be misconstrued and taken fifty different ways. 115 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,960 Speaker 1: And maybe the hardest part of mental health is that 116 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,000 Speaker 1: it is so not black and white, and it's a 117 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,880 Speaker 1: lot of maybe's, it's a lot of gray, it's a 118 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:23,400 Speaker 1: lot of it's possible, it's a lot of that. So 119 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:27,440 Speaker 1: I just want to before we enter into the meat 120 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:32,960 Speaker 1: of everything, say a couple things. So, one, all trauma's 121 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:35,160 Speaker 1: not equal. They can all be traumas, but it doesn't 122 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,679 Speaker 1: mean they all are going to affect us the same way. 123 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,760 Speaker 1: There are things that are going to create more difficulty 124 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 1: and functioning in the quality of somebody's life over other things. 125 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:48,440 Speaker 1: This does not mean that if something doesn't affect you 126 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:51,440 Speaker 1: on a large scale and completely impairs your functioning in 127 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,920 Speaker 1: some way, they don't affect you. That's part of what 128 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,560 Speaker 1: we're talking about today is that, like, there's so much 129 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:01,040 Speaker 1: space for that. And I believe one thing we've confused 130 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:05,400 Speaker 1: while trying to validate others' experiences is that not everything 131 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:09,440 Speaker 1: has to be equal to matter. All of our experiences 132 00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:13,720 Speaker 1: can matter, even though some of them might be more damaging. 133 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:16,680 Speaker 1: What that person went through might have been way more 134 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:20,240 Speaker 1: intense than you. It does not mean that because their 135 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:25,200 Speaker 1: intensity is higher, your intensity is nothing and you shouldn't 136 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:29,480 Speaker 1: have any intensity. It all matters. It doesn't always equal 137 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,400 Speaker 1: the same thing is really what I want you to 138 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,160 Speaker 1: hear in that, and I think that works both ways. 139 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:39,080 Speaker 1: I think it kind of exacerbates some things that Okay, 140 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:42,960 Speaker 1: that might be traumatic, but you don't necessarily have to 141 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,280 Speaker 1: create this disruption in your life for that to be traumatic. 142 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,520 Speaker 1: And it also works the opposite way, where we don't 143 00:08:49,559 --> 00:08:52,600 Speaker 1: allow ourselves space for something to matter to us because 144 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,880 Speaker 1: we are not experiencing those symptoms or side effects from 145 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,880 Speaker 1: our experiences. The other thing I'm going to say with 146 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:02,760 Speaker 1: that is not all try results in PTSD. Just because 147 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,719 Speaker 1: you have experienced trauma, it doesn't mean that you are 148 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:09,480 Speaker 1: then going to have PTSD. That diagnosis does not validate 149 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:13,200 Speaker 1: or invalidate you experiencing something that was harmful to you. 150 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,839 Speaker 1: And because you don't have PTSD, it doesn't mean that 151 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:19,560 Speaker 1: your trauma was not and isn't valid or important or 152 00:09:19,679 --> 00:09:24,079 Speaker 1: worth looking into and acknowledging and healing from. Another thing 153 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,840 Speaker 1: I want to get out there before we get going, 154 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:30,280 Speaker 1: is our pasts are going to influence to what scale 155 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,680 Speaker 1: something affects us. In other words, we can both experience 156 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:37,280 Speaker 1: the same event, and based on the difference in our history, 157 00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:42,520 Speaker 1: we may both respond to that event differently, and that's okay. 158 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:44,920 Speaker 1: And the last thing I want to say is we 159 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,920 Speaker 1: don't learn about trauma and categorize and acknowledge something as 160 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,360 Speaker 1: traumatic to limit us. We do so in order to 161 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:54,439 Speaker 1: gain an understanding of what we might need healing from. 162 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,520 Speaker 1: Because we have to name a wound in order to 163 00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:00,920 Speaker 1: heal from that womb, we have to acknowledge it. And 164 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,240 Speaker 1: I could keep going on these disclaimers, but we're just 165 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,520 Speaker 1: going to move forward now and get into what is 166 00:10:06,559 --> 00:10:11,400 Speaker 1: little T trauma So there are two main categories that 167 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:17,160 Speaker 1: we somewhat put trauma into, and those, like I've said before, 168 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:20,040 Speaker 1: are our big T and little T trauma. Some people 169 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:22,640 Speaker 1: call them small and large, some people have different names 170 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:25,439 Speaker 1: for them. That is what I call them, and you'll 171 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:29,040 Speaker 1: see that a lot in the mental health space, in 172 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:34,520 Speaker 1: the space of talking about trauma. Now bear with me 173 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,839 Speaker 1: because the names of these categories can encourage a lot 174 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:43,880 Speaker 1: of assumptions that maybe aren't always correct, and we're going 175 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:47,880 Speaker 1: to dig through the weeds of that. So big T trauma, 176 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,360 Speaker 1: I'm gonna give a little summary of what that might be. 177 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,080 Speaker 1: This is not the podcast if you really want to 178 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,160 Speaker 1: dive into that stuff. This is not the space you're 179 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,160 Speaker 1: gonna learn everything about that. You're not gonna learn everything 180 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,040 Speaker 1: about anything in this space. But I'm just gonna give 181 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:01,439 Speaker 1: you a very very small overview of what big T 182 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:05,000 Speaker 1: trauma is. It's what I call more shock traumas, the 183 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,280 Speaker 1: things that we generally look at and say, oh wow, 184 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,200 Speaker 1: that is traumatic. That's a big T trauma. So that 185 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:15,120 Speaker 1: would include sexual abuse, violence of really any nature, natural disasters, 186 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:20,400 Speaker 1: life threatening experiences, and often these are experiences that even 187 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:23,160 Speaker 1: if they only happened one time, they would leave a 188 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:27,000 Speaker 1: lasting effect on the person without question. Now those effects 189 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,440 Speaker 1: might be different. Like I said, everybody kind of response 190 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:32,960 Speaker 1: to trauma in different ways at different levels, based on 191 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:38,560 Speaker 1: their history, their ability to cope, many many things. But 192 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,160 Speaker 1: for the sake of just separating what is in Big 193 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:45,760 Speaker 1: T trauma, it's usually going to be something that is, 194 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:49,079 Speaker 1: for lack of a better word, obvious. I also want 195 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,680 Speaker 1: to say the threat of these events can still be 196 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:55,199 Speaker 1: categorized as a Big T trauma. For example, like if 197 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,120 Speaker 1: your school has a shooting, if you're a campus as 198 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,320 Speaker 1: a shooting and maybe you're not in the building that happens, 199 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:02,880 Speaker 1: and I feel like I'm saying this like very nonchalantly. 200 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,200 Speaker 1: This is not a nonchalant thing. And this is also 201 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:08,120 Speaker 1: something that I know happens way often than it should. 202 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:11,280 Speaker 1: But if you are, you know, a student out of 203 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,720 Speaker 1: school and you're either not in that building that the 204 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:17,800 Speaker 1: shooting happens, or maybe you aren't on campus exact exactly 205 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:20,080 Speaker 1: the time that it happens, that still is going to 206 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,959 Speaker 1: be categorized most of the time as a Big T trauma. 207 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:28,600 Speaker 1: It's the threat of a life threatening event. And essentially, 208 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,320 Speaker 1: to put this in a nutshell, When you think of 209 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:34,040 Speaker 1: big T traumas, you're thinking of a singular, intense, life 210 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:39,680 Speaker 1: threatening event experience. Now today we're focusing on little T traumas. 211 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:43,080 Speaker 1: What are those? Your answer is going to be about 212 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:53,000 Speaker 1: thirty to forty five minutes long. Today we're focusing on 213 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:57,040 Speaker 1: little T traumas. What are those? These tend to be 214 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,560 Speaker 1: much more complex in regards to how they show up. 215 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:05,199 Speaker 1: A little T trauma oftentimes is more of an emotional experience. 216 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,400 Speaker 1: They are things that may not have a large scale 217 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:13,160 Speaker 1: effect on us when it's happening inside of a vacuum 218 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,239 Speaker 1: on its own, but based on our histories, our resources, 219 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:18,880 Speaker 1: the amount of times that they are experienced, the amount 220 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:22,320 Speaker 1: of times that similar things like that are experienced, they 221 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,720 Speaker 1: can have just intense of an impact on us, if 222 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,960 Speaker 1: not larger than some of these big T traumas you 223 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:32,320 Speaker 1: think of. And that's why this is so important to 224 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:36,320 Speaker 1: talk about. You can have PTSD as a result of 225 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:40,160 Speaker 1: little T traumas. You don't have to just have a 226 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:46,319 Speaker 1: big T trauma to then eventually experience the symptoms that 227 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:52,359 Speaker 1: describe PTSD. Again, our capacity to handle stress are resilience 228 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,480 Speaker 1: is going to play a role, and how all of 229 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:59,240 Speaker 1: this affects us specifically, the little T traumas a breakup 230 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:03,560 Speaker 1: could put somebody into a full breakdown of emotional stability, 231 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,959 Speaker 1: while somebody else just might feel, you know, manageable levels 232 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:10,320 Speaker 1: of sadness or hurt or anger. And so I say 233 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:13,840 Speaker 1: that as the beginning of me describing how that could 234 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,559 Speaker 1: be a little T trauma. It doesn't mean it necessarily 235 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,880 Speaker 1: is going to be for everybody, but based on our 236 00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:24,480 Speaker 1: lives and the complexity of our own individual lives, that 237 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:29,200 Speaker 1: might be something that is traumatic for you. And because 238 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:33,200 Speaker 1: little T trauma is not those singular, large scale events 239 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:37,200 Speaker 1: that you can easily pinpoint, they become very easy to 240 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:45,520 Speaker 1: ignore and invalidate and minimize, which is very problematic because, 241 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:50,440 Speaker 1: like I said, if we repeatedly allow these to go unnoticed, 242 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:55,080 Speaker 1: that doesn't take away the fact that repeating these types 243 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:59,440 Speaker 1: of events can end up adding up to the same 244 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:02,760 Speaker 1: effect of one of these really big, large shock traumas. 245 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,920 Speaker 1: And that stuff is going to affect how you see yourself, 246 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:11,360 Speaker 1: how you see others, how your brain is wired to 247 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:15,560 Speaker 1: respond to the world in general, in how we go 248 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:18,760 Speaker 1: about our lives. It can have a lot of lasting 249 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:21,200 Speaker 1: effects on the quality of our life so I want 250 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,600 Speaker 1: to give space to talk about that so you might 251 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:26,800 Speaker 1: recognize that, oh, I don't have to live like this, 252 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,720 Speaker 1: and maybe this isn't just a culmination of me being me. 253 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,280 Speaker 1: Maybe this is a response to some things that I 254 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:38,240 Speaker 1: have not paid attention to. Usually, which makes sense based 255 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,240 Speaker 1: on what I just said, you'll be able to see 256 00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:44,080 Speaker 1: the effects of little ta traumas before you can recognize 257 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:48,200 Speaker 1: that something was traumatic, which is why so many of 258 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,400 Speaker 1: the people that walk into my office are asking for 259 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:54,080 Speaker 1: a relief of something, but on the intake form they 260 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:58,280 Speaker 1: say they have no drama, and they maybe assume that 261 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:02,160 Speaker 1: the problem is innately them versus something that they went through. 262 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,600 Speaker 1: When we're looking at little TEA, I find it way 263 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:10,600 Speaker 1: more important to analyze how that thing affected somebody versus 264 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,000 Speaker 1: what the thing is it's helped. Obviously, we got to 265 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:14,720 Speaker 1: name the thing so we know how to move forward. 266 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:19,040 Speaker 1: But sometimes focusing on that thing really can get in 267 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,640 Speaker 1: the way because we assume that it's not that big 268 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 1: of a deal, and whether it is, in your opinion, 269 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,320 Speaker 1: that big of a deal, it doesn't change the fact 270 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:30,720 Speaker 1: that it did maybe cause this thing for you, And 271 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:34,800 Speaker 1: we shame ourselves for having difficulty coping, or we don't 272 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:39,240 Speaker 1: allow ourselves to cope in a healthy way. So that 273 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:43,240 Speaker 1: ends up kind of coming out in ways we compartmentalize 274 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:46,760 Speaker 1: parts of our lives, how we numb, distract, and it 275 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:50,920 Speaker 1: kind of creates this ongoing cycle of ignoring needs, like 276 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:54,040 Speaker 1: very normal human needs. And I think it is really 277 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:59,120 Speaker 1: really important to repeat over and over myself, repeat it 278 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:02,320 Speaker 1: to you, you guys, Repeat to yourself that these experiences, 279 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:05,520 Speaker 1: these little T traumas, when we have repeated amounts of 280 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:10,239 Speaker 1: these or repeated experiences of these, they can be just 281 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,880 Speaker 1: as damaging, if not more damaging to us than these 282 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:17,639 Speaker 1: other traumas that we have an easier time identifying and 283 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:22,720 Speaker 1: having empathy for, because we lack empathy and acceptance for 284 00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:25,919 Speaker 1: impacts of little T trauma. And I just kind of 285 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,080 Speaker 1: want to even the playing field that they both can 286 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:32,880 Speaker 1: create the same things. So if we can have compassion 287 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:35,240 Speaker 1: for this thing over here, maybe we can create some 288 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,800 Speaker 1: space for empathy and compassion for this thing over here. 289 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,720 Speaker 1: I had a client that I worked with in residential 290 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:47,200 Speaker 1: treatment years ago who would constantly repeat this phrase, there's 291 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,639 Speaker 1: no crime in baseball when we would talk about some 292 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,680 Speaker 1: of the things that she experienced in her life, and 293 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,200 Speaker 1: this was developed as somewhat of a motto to live 294 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,960 Speaker 1: by for her, starting at a young age. It was 295 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,800 Speaker 1: a way to push through a lot of stuff of 296 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,960 Speaker 1: like dust the dirt off, and keep going. And throughout 297 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:08,440 Speaker 1: our time together, I learned to really not be surprised 298 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:11,800 Speaker 1: by new information that she did not categorize or think 299 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,240 Speaker 1: was that big of a deal to share with me 300 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:17,840 Speaker 1: or process. You know, I started saying things like what, 301 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,600 Speaker 1: like how did this? How did you not share this 302 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:23,240 Speaker 1: with me before? Like Oh, I'm so curious why you 303 00:18:23,359 --> 00:18:26,040 Speaker 1: never brought this up until now? And then I started 304 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:28,800 Speaker 1: being like, oh, I get it. These things are not 305 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:32,840 Speaker 1: registering to you as things that may have been worthy 306 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:37,000 Speaker 1: of attention because there's no crime in baseball. It's not 307 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,680 Speaker 1: that big of a deal. Don't be a baby. Me 308 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,359 Speaker 1: might have different phrases that you lived by her or 309 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,600 Speaker 1: that feel closer to you in that way, But that 310 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,080 Speaker 1: was what she learned and actually came from something that 311 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:51,080 Speaker 1: a family member actually said to her. Essentially, it's just 312 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:52,800 Speaker 1: saying that this is just part of life, and because 313 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,280 Speaker 1: it's just part of life, you need to just get 314 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:57,480 Speaker 1: over it. And sure it can be true that these 315 00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:02,200 Speaker 1: experiences that are in capsule, in little t trauma space, 316 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,000 Speaker 1: that they are maybe part of life. I want to 317 00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,840 Speaker 1: remind you, guys of something that I think blows over 318 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:11,119 Speaker 1: a lot of people's heads when I'm talking about this stuff. 319 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:15,439 Speaker 1: Something doesn't have to push you to fall into pieces 320 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:18,760 Speaker 1: and crumble and completely deteriorate for it to be worthy 321 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:23,000 Speaker 1: of attention. You're allowed to acknowledge that an experience was 322 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:27,440 Speaker 1: not helpful for you and that you deserved better, regardless 323 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:31,679 Speaker 1: of how intense it was. Working through trauma is not 324 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:37,480 Speaker 1: about forcing you to feel or look weak, or forcing 325 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:41,680 Speaker 1: you to feel an intensity of an emotion that does 326 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:46,360 Speaker 1: not feel true or valid or appropriate. It's about allowing 327 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:50,480 Speaker 1: you the space to feel the trueness and the authentic 328 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:55,320 Speaker 1: feelings that you maybe did not allow yourself to feel. 329 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,920 Speaker 1: It's about allowing you to sit in what is true 330 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,880 Speaker 1: for you, versus pushing you one way or the other, 331 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,040 Speaker 1: having to be very dramatic to get attention, or having 332 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:10,399 Speaker 1: to suck things up to be seen as okay or 333 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:14,480 Speaker 1: good enough or valuable or worthy. And acknowledging that something 334 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:17,480 Speaker 1: was painful and is painful doesn't mean you can't move forward. 335 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:22,000 Speaker 1: We are humans, Therefore we have limitations, we have weaknesses, 336 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:24,840 Speaker 1: we have needs. The list goes on. But when we 337 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:28,800 Speaker 1: are sent and then accept the message that living into 338 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:33,159 Speaker 1: our humanness is bad, living into us being limited and 339 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:36,399 Speaker 1: having needs is bad, we end up giving ourselves no 340 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:41,000 Speaker 1: other option but to actually limit ourselves and develop behaviors 341 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:45,879 Speaker 1: that limit us more than necessary from the best parts 342 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,600 Speaker 1: of being human. But when we acknowledge the fact that 343 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,040 Speaker 1: we are limited and that we need help and we 344 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,399 Speaker 1: have needs in that part of being a human is 345 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:57,600 Speaker 1: having weaknesses, we actually open up space for more, which 346 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:01,199 Speaker 1: that could sound like a freaking amaze. How can that 347 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:05,760 Speaker 1: be possible? And it's true. I end up doing timelines 348 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,200 Speaker 1: with a lot of my clients, And what that means 349 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,320 Speaker 1: is we go back from as early as we can remember, 350 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:15,520 Speaker 1: and we might start with the big things that stick 351 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,639 Speaker 1: out in our lives at different time periods, and then 352 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:22,440 Speaker 1: we end up looking at the fullness of people's lives 353 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,040 Speaker 1: kind of through a microscope. We start with the big stuff, 354 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:27,560 Speaker 1: those kind of create some conversations and some framework, and 355 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:29,040 Speaker 1: then we go in and we fill in the gaps 356 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:32,160 Speaker 1: of all the little parts of our lives and the 357 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:35,240 Speaker 1: things that maybe feel mundane or wouldn't naturally come up 358 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,080 Speaker 1: in a conversation or you wouldn't think to talk about. 359 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:44,919 Speaker 1: And this practice often leads us into identifying all of 360 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:49,280 Speaker 1: the little tea's that have maybe had a bigger impact, 361 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:52,280 Speaker 1: if not just as a big impact as the things 362 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:55,400 Speaker 1: that initially stuck out when we started that timeline. And 363 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:59,439 Speaker 1: what's really confusing about little tea traumas is that the 364 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:01,520 Speaker 1: way that they sometimes affect us and the way that 365 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:04,760 Speaker 1: we somehow sometimes respond to them is we kind of 366 00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:08,840 Speaker 1: trick ourselves into thinking that we are still living a 367 00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:12,520 Speaker 1: satisfying life. And like, sometimes that's true. Sometimes you are 368 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:15,440 Speaker 1: living a satisfying life. Sometimes you are living a somewhat 369 00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,600 Speaker 1: normal life. A lot of times it looks more satisfying 370 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,560 Speaker 1: and normal from the outside than how you're feeling on 371 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:24,360 Speaker 1: the inside because of all of the coping mechanisms, the numbing, 372 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,520 Speaker 1: all the stuff that you develop in order to move forward. 373 00:22:27,359 --> 00:22:30,199 Speaker 1: And that goes into again more of why it's so 374 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:34,080 Speaker 1: easy to minimize and ignore this stuff is because, oh, well, 375 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:41,000 Speaker 1: that event didn't create this dissociative response. It's not disrupting 376 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,359 Speaker 1: my ability to get my work done. I'm still able 377 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,879 Speaker 1: to have relationships with people I still have a job, 378 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:52,320 Speaker 1: I still can live my life. I'm not unable to 379 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:57,480 Speaker 1: complete necessary tasks in my life. And that brings a 380 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:02,280 Speaker 1: really important part of this conversation in because I want 381 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:05,840 Speaker 1: to throw out this idea that something doesn't have to 382 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:10,919 Speaker 1: push you into a dissociative state to deserve attention, Like, 383 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:15,359 Speaker 1: what if the symptoms of your unresolved trauma mattered, even 384 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:20,440 Speaker 1: if they didn't result in the development of a personality disorder, right, 385 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:25,560 Speaker 1: they still have space to matter. Back in September. This 386 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,879 Speaker 1: past September, I started feeling a lot of pain in 387 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:32,960 Speaker 1: my right foot. It would happen mostly when I would run. 388 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:36,680 Speaker 1: And the gym that I go to with my fiance 389 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,840 Speaker 1: is it's a group class, and it's a class that 390 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:43,840 Speaker 1: involves a treadmill where you can run or you can walk, 391 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:47,800 Speaker 1: depending on what you prefer. And I really like to run. 392 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:51,560 Speaker 1: And so it started happening pretty often, and at first 393 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:54,280 Speaker 1: it would go away, and so I tell myself, Oh, 394 00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:55,639 Speaker 1: it's not that big of a deal. Maybe it was 395 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:59,280 Speaker 1: just that day or whatever. And then the pain started 396 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:03,320 Speaker 1: coming and going more consistent, and I was having fewer 397 00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:07,640 Speaker 1: times where it wasn't actually painful, and I one day 398 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:10,800 Speaker 1: was telling Patrick about the pain. I mean, I could 399 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:13,600 Speaker 1: still walk, I could still get through things, but there 400 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:16,320 Speaker 1: was just a pain there that wasn't always there. I 401 00:24:16,359 --> 00:24:18,800 Speaker 1: was telling Patrick about it one day, and he very 402 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:24,159 Speaker 1: quickly was like, maybe you should take it easy this 403 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:27,240 Speaker 1: week when we go to class, Like, maybe you should 404 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:30,560 Speaker 1: walk instead of run. And at first I was shocked 405 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:34,520 Speaker 1: by that response because I was really just telling him 406 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:38,680 Speaker 1: about it out of like conversation. I wasn't really concerned. 407 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:40,720 Speaker 1: I didn't really think it was important or serious, and 408 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:42,879 Speaker 1: so I was like, oh, I thought you were just 409 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:44,679 Speaker 1: going to say like, oh, that's weird. I wonder what 410 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:46,919 Speaker 1: that is. And then he was like, you don't know, 411 00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:50,560 Speaker 1: like you could be developing a stress fracture, and what 412 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,720 Speaker 1: if you end up doing further damage to your foot 413 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:56,119 Speaker 1: and then you end up having a broken foot for 414 00:24:57,080 --> 00:25:00,520 Speaker 1: your batcherette party or our trip that were taking December, 415 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:05,199 Speaker 1: or our wedding. And I was like, oh, okay, I 416 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:09,120 Speaker 1: don't really want that to happen. And as someone who 417 00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:14,960 Speaker 1: grew up in a high achieving and high athletically specifically 418 00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:19,600 Speaker 1: athletically competitive family, the attitude of not giving up and 419 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:23,400 Speaker 1: pushing through the pain was something that I was very 420 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,359 Speaker 1: used to and I think was very helpful and at 421 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:29,960 Speaker 1: times very hurtful. And it kind of speaks to me 422 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:31,800 Speaker 1: telling you about how I had a client that was like, 423 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:35,320 Speaker 1: there's no client in baseball. Those things, I think, for 424 00:25:35,359 --> 00:25:39,320 Speaker 1: the most part, they are brought to our attention in 425 00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:43,400 Speaker 1: good meaning ways to help us achieve and to know 426 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:47,119 Speaker 1: that we can do probably more than we think we 427 00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,879 Speaker 1: can do, and to almost like open our brains and 428 00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:54,239 Speaker 1: our minds up and to allow a space to do 429 00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,320 Speaker 1: the things that we want to do. And at the 430 00:25:56,320 --> 00:26:00,000 Speaker 1: same time, the repetitiveness of those phrases in those beliefs 431 00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:04,600 Speaker 1: really can end up hurting us. So this pushing through 432 00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:09,080 Speaker 1: pain was very helpful when I was able to move 433 00:26:09,119 --> 00:26:12,280 Speaker 1: through experiences that were just uncomfortable. Right, We've all if 434 00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:15,160 Speaker 1: you're a runner, you know that, like, yeah, running isn't 435 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:19,040 Speaker 1: always comfortable, but that discomfort doesn't always mean that there's 436 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,199 Speaker 1: something wrong. It just maybe means that this isn't like 437 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:26,359 Speaker 1: a super fun, pleasurable experience. Now, on the other hand, 438 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:30,080 Speaker 1: pushing through the pain, this kind of way of living 439 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:34,440 Speaker 1: was hurtful in the way that I didn't necessarily develop 440 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:39,119 Speaker 1: the ability to differentiate between what is discomfort and what 441 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:42,239 Speaker 1: is danger when it came to the limits of in 442 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:46,120 Speaker 1: this scenario, my body. I learned to question my pain 443 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:50,080 Speaker 1: tolerance a lot through repeated experiences of not being taken 444 00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:55,320 Speaker 1: seriously and being encouraged to be tough and to push through. 445 00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,919 Speaker 1: And I am sharing this not in a way to 446 00:26:57,960 --> 00:26:59,760 Speaker 1: say that I think there was a lot of malicious 447 00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:01,760 Speaker 1: people around me. I don't really think that I had 448 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:06,000 Speaker 1: many malicious people around me. I had a lot of 449 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:09,879 Speaker 1: people around me that I think were, for the most part, 450 00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:12,280 Speaker 1: wanting to help me and wanting me to be my 451 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:15,000 Speaker 1: best and achieve my best. But again, because we're all limited, 452 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:20,520 Speaker 1: we miss things. And my mom, granted I say this, 453 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:25,760 Speaker 1: and I feel like sometimes I over disclaimer things, specifically 454 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:29,439 Speaker 1: when it comes to trauma, because a lot of these 455 00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:33,480 Speaker 1: conversations are about understanding our experiences, not placing blame. And 456 00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:36,639 Speaker 1: you can have a parent or a coach, or a 457 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:40,520 Speaker 1: teacher or a whoever who was actually very helpful and 458 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:45,240 Speaker 1: nurturing and present and there for you. But because humans 459 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:48,880 Speaker 1: are limited, we're never going to get everything perfectly. We're 460 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:52,760 Speaker 1: never going to have everything perfectly, and so it's not 461 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:56,680 Speaker 1: fair to ourselves to not allow ourselves to look at 462 00:27:56,720 --> 00:28:00,000 Speaker 1: what we didn't get or what maybe wasn't helpful, because 463 00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:04,400 Speaker 1: we don't want to put a negative light on somebody 464 00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:07,440 Speaker 1: that actually was not malicious. That's not what we're doing. 465 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:11,120 Speaker 1: We're more so just allowing space to say, hey, that 466 00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:13,760 Speaker 1: wasn't helpful and this is what you maybe needed to hear. 467 00:28:14,119 --> 00:28:18,800 Speaker 1: Doesn't mean that person necessarily did anything wrong or is 468 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:22,800 Speaker 1: a bad person. So if you're somebody who maybe as 469 00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:27,080 Speaker 1: a parent, you are listening to this and getting hyper 470 00:28:27,119 --> 00:28:29,840 Speaker 1: fixated on not being the perfect parent, You're not going 471 00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:31,479 Speaker 1: to be the perfect parent. You're going to mess up, 472 00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:33,800 Speaker 1: You're going to do things that affect your kids. It 473 00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:35,720 Speaker 1: doesn't mean you're not a good parent. Now let me 474 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,640 Speaker 1: go into the story about my mother, and if you're listening, Mom, 475 00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:43,120 Speaker 1: I love you. She'll still joke and she'll actually even 476 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:46,840 Speaker 1: tell joke about this story, which I can do. I 477 00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:51,160 Speaker 1: can see this experience in two different ways. But my 478 00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:54,080 Speaker 1: mom will joke about how when I broke my ankle 479 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:55,680 Speaker 1: when I was an eighth grader, broke my ankle in 480 00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:58,720 Speaker 1: two places during a soccer game. She'll say the only 481 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:00,880 Speaker 1: reason that she really took me to the emergency room 482 00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:03,760 Speaker 1: was because all the other parents were making such a 483 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,280 Speaker 1: big deal out of it, because the inability for me 484 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:12,840 Speaker 1: to walk and the excruciating pain I was expressing wasn't 485 00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:18,000 Speaker 1: really enough for her to think like, oh, something's really wrong. 486 00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:23,520 Speaker 1: And again not because my mother is negligent, because of 487 00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:26,160 Speaker 1: maybe some of the ways she was taught to look 488 00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:30,400 Speaker 1: at pain and trauma and all of that, and maybe 489 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:32,520 Speaker 1: even like could be a part of I don't want 490 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:33,960 Speaker 1: it to be that big of a deal. So we're 491 00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:36,920 Speaker 1: going to, you know, put that in energy into the world, 492 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:42,560 Speaker 1: which is a lesson in how manifesting is not an 493 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,680 Speaker 1: exact science to those of you who really want to 494 00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:49,960 Speaker 1: believe that. And then another similar experience having to do 495 00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:52,880 Speaker 1: with pain when I broke my collarbone in high school. 496 00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:56,600 Speaker 1: It was another soccer game. I'll never forget. The part 497 00:29:56,600 --> 00:30:00,320 Speaker 1: that I remember most about that experience, other than hitting 498 00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:04,120 Speaker 1: the ground, was that another member of my family, not 499 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:07,520 Speaker 1: my mom, looked at me and said something along the 500 00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:11,320 Speaker 1: lines of stop crying, it doesn't hurt that bad, when 501 00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:14,560 Speaker 1: in fact, I really do not think and cannot think 502 00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:18,000 Speaker 1: of and have not yet experienced another pain that was 503 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:21,160 Speaker 1: that great, Like it was way worse than breaking my ankle, 504 00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:25,360 Speaker 1: And I also can think about so many examples from 505 00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:31,280 Speaker 1: movies to just like common just societal tropes of bulling 506 00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:34,400 Speaker 1: at recess or whatever it is that just depict a 507 00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:37,960 Speaker 1: being hurt as something that's to be embarrassed about, like 508 00:30:38,000 --> 00:30:41,480 Speaker 1: it's embarrassing to be hurt, it's a sign of something 509 00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:44,360 Speaker 1: that is not good, something that you should hide, something 510 00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:47,320 Speaker 1: that you shouldn't acknowledge, you should numb, when in reality, 511 00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:51,400 Speaker 1: being hurt doesn't really have the ability to carry moral value. 512 00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:56,440 Speaker 1: Humans are not indestructible. Our bones are not made of steel. 513 00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:58,959 Speaker 1: They break, They have the ability, and all of our 514 00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,520 Speaker 1: bones have the capacity to break, no matter who you are. 515 00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:05,120 Speaker 1: And maybe I'm throughout this idea that they aren't breaking 516 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:08,760 Speaker 1: because there's a flaw within us. They're breaking because maybe 517 00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:10,360 Speaker 1: you took a big hit. We took a big hit, 518 00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:14,840 Speaker 1: and maybe the fact that it hurts, that break hurts 519 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:17,600 Speaker 1: is a good thing, not something to be embarrassed about. 520 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:22,000 Speaker 1: Like your body is telling you, yo, something's not right here. 521 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:25,720 Speaker 1: It's essentially like the smoke detector. It's the alarm going 522 00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:28,840 Speaker 1: off signaling that there's a fire that needs to be 523 00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:31,120 Speaker 1: tended to. You need to get out of the house, 524 00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:34,480 Speaker 1: and we've been taught to look at that alarm system 525 00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:36,680 Speaker 1: as something that we need to hide and shut off. 526 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:39,960 Speaker 1: And it doesn't even have to be that extreme. Right, 527 00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:44,880 Speaker 1: maybe the alarm is going off, the fire alarms going off, 528 00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:47,040 Speaker 1: not because there's a fire in the house, because whatever 529 00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:49,280 Speaker 1: is in the oven is burning and it needs your 530 00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:52,760 Speaker 1: attention and us. Rather than taking the batteries out of 531 00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:55,560 Speaker 1: the smoke detector because it's embarrassing to have a house 532 00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:58,680 Speaker 1: fire or it's annoying or whatever, what if we said, oh, wow, 533 00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:00,600 Speaker 1: thanks for letting me know that I was burning my 534 00:32:00,640 --> 00:32:02,440 Speaker 1: pot roast. Now I can make sure that I take 535 00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:04,320 Speaker 1: it out so I can enjoy it and eat it. 536 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:07,240 Speaker 1: And I want us to kind of start looking at 537 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:11,600 Speaker 1: the things that hurt us or bring up emotions in 538 00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:15,640 Speaker 1: us the same way that having a response to something 539 00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:20,400 Speaker 1: is not embarrassing, and it's actually part of how our 540 00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:24,040 Speaker 1: body is wired. Right. We are wired to feel pain 541 00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:29,080 Speaker 1: in order to sense danger. Right, while we have this. 542 00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:33,000 Speaker 1: If I put my hand on a stove and it's hot, great, 543 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,480 Speaker 1: I know to take it off. And if I didn't 544 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:37,920 Speaker 1: have that sensation, then I would leave my hand on 545 00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:40,640 Speaker 1: the stove and my hand would burn that is a 546 00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:42,440 Speaker 1: good thing that I think we should celebrate and be 547 00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:46,400 Speaker 1: grateful for. So back to the original story. When it 548 00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:48,600 Speaker 1: became to the pain in my foot in September, what 549 00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:52,360 Speaker 1: I did is I practiced taking it easy. I did 550 00:32:52,400 --> 00:32:55,959 Speaker 1: something that I maybe might not have done previously, and 551 00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:59,800 Speaker 1: I walked instead of ran. Sometimes I didn't do anything, 552 00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:03,640 Speaker 1: and it wasn't easy. I will tell you that I 553 00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:06,719 Speaker 1: had to push through some of the messaging that was 554 00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:10,040 Speaker 1: constantly in my brain and some of the things that 555 00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:13,560 Speaker 1: came up because I was taking it easy. But now 556 00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:16,760 Speaker 1: my foot feels so much better, and I can enjoy 557 00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:20,880 Speaker 1: running without that random pain coming up. And I also 558 00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:25,280 Speaker 1: can enjoy taking it easy without needing to feel pain. 559 00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:30,760 Speaker 1: So just a little low level example of why acknowledging 560 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:36,880 Speaker 1: things that we can easily kind of minimize matters. And 561 00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:41,240 Speaker 1: I know the possibility of me having a stress fracture 562 00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:44,280 Speaker 1: not even having one, but the possibility of it is 563 00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:47,480 Speaker 1: definitely not the same as having a clean break of 564 00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:50,640 Speaker 1: let's say, my femur. But I want you guys to 565 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:54,880 Speaker 1: hear that it doesn't mean that that isn't affecting how 566 00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:57,720 Speaker 1: I move, and it wasn't affecting how I felt, and 567 00:33:57,760 --> 00:33:59,320 Speaker 1: a lot of us have learned to just suck it 568 00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:02,560 Speaker 1: up and stuffer through it when the suffering is actually 569 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:07,840 Speaker 1: so unnecessary. You don't have to feel mediocre bad all 570 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:10,120 Speaker 1: the time. We don't have to hit rock bottom to 571 00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:13,000 Speaker 1: deserve relief. And if I don't pay attention to the 572 00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:15,759 Speaker 1: stress fracture or the possibility of one, I also am 573 00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:18,399 Speaker 1: setting myself up to not be able to walk down 574 00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:30,120 Speaker 1: the aisle of my wedding. My freshman year in college, 575 00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:33,399 Speaker 1: I joined a story and the way that rush worked 576 00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:36,000 Speaker 1: back then, this is two thousand and eight. I don't 577 00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:38,640 Speaker 1: think this is how it's still done specifically at my school, 578 00:34:38,719 --> 00:34:40,480 Speaker 1: but the way it worked back then is that you 579 00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:42,960 Speaker 1: would show up to school about a week early and 580 00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:44,960 Speaker 1: you would go through rush, and then you would get 581 00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:48,280 Speaker 1: to start the school year with almost like a built 582 00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:51,880 Speaker 1: in group of friends. And it was especially helpful for me, 583 00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:55,319 Speaker 1: and I was really grateful for that because I went 584 00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:57,440 Speaker 1: to a school where the only person I knew was 585 00:34:57,480 --> 00:35:00,560 Speaker 1: my sister and she was to your older than me. 586 00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:03,560 Speaker 1: So this was a godsend for me and I was 587 00:35:04,080 --> 00:35:07,759 Speaker 1: very grateful for it because I would be able to 588 00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:12,040 Speaker 1: have a friend in a huge, new, big place now 589 00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:15,200 Speaker 1: I can't exactly remember the timeline of when this event 590 00:35:15,239 --> 00:35:18,680 Speaker 1: happened that I'm going to tell you about. But during 591 00:35:18,719 --> 00:35:22,160 Speaker 1: the first month of school, after I had gone through recruitment, 592 00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:25,239 Speaker 1: after I developed this you know, built in network of 593 00:35:25,280 --> 00:35:28,200 Speaker 1: friends that I thought were going to help me thrive 594 00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:31,319 Speaker 1: and we're going to you know, keep me safe from 595 00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:33,759 Speaker 1: the scary things that go on in college. And for 596 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:36,000 Speaker 1: the most part, I did have a good experience with 597 00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:39,080 Speaker 1: the majority of these people, but it started off a 598 00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:42,880 Speaker 1: little rocky because again don't remember the exact timing of this. 599 00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:44,919 Speaker 1: I know it was in the first month of being 600 00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:47,120 Speaker 1: at school, being in a new environment. It was one 601 00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:49,560 Speaker 1: of the first times I ever went to a fraternity house. 602 00:35:49,920 --> 00:35:51,560 Speaker 1: It was one of the first times I ever went 603 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:55,239 Speaker 1: out when I was in college, and it was my 604 00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:59,400 Speaker 1: first experience with guys, specifically fraternity guys, which at the 605 00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:04,400 Speaker 1: time I categorized as the elite form of a man, 606 00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:08,319 Speaker 1: which should have quickly changed after this experience, But I digress. So, 607 00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:12,040 Speaker 1: a couple of older girls in my sorority were dating 608 00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:17,480 Speaker 1: guys in one of the fraternities, so they invited us 609 00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:21,479 Speaker 1: to go to this fraternity party at the pie Cap House, 610 00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:24,960 Speaker 1: which was the fraternity that her their boyfriends ran. I 611 00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:28,760 Speaker 1: knew nothing. I just was excited to go experience something new. 612 00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:33,440 Speaker 1: I was, you know, fresh faced, I mean kind of terrified. 613 00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:37,200 Speaker 1: But all these things that I had only seen and 614 00:36:37,239 --> 00:36:40,000 Speaker 1: heard about, whether it was through other people, were on TV. 615 00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:41,680 Speaker 1: I was like, Oh, this is now I'm doing. I'm 616 00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:45,279 Speaker 1: going to a fraternity party. And so at the same time, 617 00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:50,640 Speaker 1: we were about to have our first date party as 618 00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:52,880 Speaker 1: a sorority. And if you are unfamiliar with what that 619 00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:55,319 Speaker 1: means for us at our school, a date party was 620 00:36:55,960 --> 00:37:00,399 Speaker 1: where our sorority would host a party in every member 621 00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:03,239 Speaker 1: was able to bring a date and it could be 622 00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:05,799 Speaker 1: whoever you wanted. But a lot of times you would 623 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:08,440 Speaker 1: bring a guy, maybe a guy that you were possibly 624 00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:11,040 Speaker 1: interested in, and you would go to a bar and 625 00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:13,040 Speaker 1: you would have like a private event. So we were 626 00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:15,719 Speaker 1: about to have our first one of those, and my 627 00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:18,319 Speaker 1: very first experience of ever going to one of those. 628 00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:23,560 Speaker 1: So when we went to this fraternity house, obviously the 629 00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:28,120 Speaker 1: topic on everybody's minds was the opportunity of finding a 630 00:37:28,160 --> 00:37:32,560 Speaker 1: possible suitor for this day party. And backstory, I didn't 631 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:34,040 Speaker 1: have a lot of luck in the dating scene in 632 00:37:34,120 --> 00:37:36,839 Speaker 1: high school, and so I was very hopeful to kind 633 00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:40,400 Speaker 1: of walk into a completely new school and we'd an 634 00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:44,640 Speaker 1: entirely knew cohort of people that I would maybe possibly 635 00:37:45,120 --> 00:37:48,040 Speaker 1: meet somebody like a find a boyfriend, or find that 636 00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:51,120 Speaker 1: thing that you know, we as women were taught would 637 00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:54,040 Speaker 1: complete us and make us feel whole and you know, 638 00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:56,960 Speaker 1: would solidify our wantedness in the world. And so I 639 00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:59,040 Speaker 1: was really hoping that things would be different in college 640 00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:02,480 Speaker 1: than they were in high school and kind of walked 641 00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:07,600 Speaker 1: into this experience with that hopefulness. Now, at some point 642 00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:11,600 Speaker 1: in the night of this party, something happened that very 643 00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:15,160 Speaker 1: much changed that hopefulness for me. I don't remember exactly 644 00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:19,880 Speaker 1: what was said, and I don't exactly remember everybody that 645 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:24,160 Speaker 1: was there watching, but I do remember where I was. 646 00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:26,319 Speaker 1: I can see that room, I know what room I 647 00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:30,200 Speaker 1: was in, and I can still in my body feel 648 00:38:30,239 --> 00:38:33,920 Speaker 1: the intensity of me wishing I could pull a secret 649 00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:36,520 Speaker 1: world of Alex Mack and turn into a silver blob 650 00:38:36,600 --> 00:38:40,200 Speaker 1: and slide out of that room as fast as possible. 651 00:38:40,920 --> 00:38:44,759 Speaker 1: So I'm at my first fraternity party, talking about my 652 00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:48,040 Speaker 1: first date party and meeting, you know, potential new guys 653 00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:50,520 Speaker 1: that me and my friends may work up the courage 654 00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:54,319 Speaker 1: to ask when this guy walks up to me and 655 00:38:54,440 --> 00:38:58,640 Speaker 1: introduces himself. Now, I've never seen this guy before, and 656 00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:01,360 Speaker 1: all I know is that he's not a freshman. I 657 00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:03,960 Speaker 1: can tell he's not a freshman, and he proceeds to 658 00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:08,520 Speaker 1: ask me if he can come to the five New 659 00:39:08,600 --> 00:39:13,520 Speaker 1: Day party with me. So imagine me a nervous, self 660 00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:19,799 Speaker 1: conscious freshman hopeful having an older guy, an older fraternity guy, 661 00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:23,600 Speaker 1: come up and ask me out to my date party. 662 00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:28,480 Speaker 1: And I'm not exactly sure what I said back to 663 00:39:28,920 --> 00:39:32,600 Speaker 1: this guy. One because it was a long time ago. 664 00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:35,439 Speaker 1: Two because I think that my body did the best 665 00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:39,320 Speaker 1: it could to erase a lot of this from my memory. 666 00:39:39,680 --> 00:39:41,960 Speaker 1: And three because I really did have the tendency to 667 00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:45,879 Speaker 1: turn into the form of Lizzie Maguire when she would 668 00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:48,960 Speaker 1: try to talk to Ethan Craft. When it came to guys, 669 00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:52,680 Speaker 1: It's like nothing would come out. But before I knew it, 670 00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:56,120 Speaker 1: the excitement that I felt when this guy, you know, 671 00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:58,879 Speaker 1: the initial like oh my gosh, what, before I knew it, 672 00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:01,680 Speaker 1: maybe even before I had the opportunity to respond, the 673 00:40:01,719 --> 00:40:05,360 Speaker 1: excitement was washed away completely from my body because suddenly 674 00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:10,000 Speaker 1: a couple of other people appeared in the room laughing, 675 00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:14,480 Speaker 1: like dying laughing, which included, but was not limited to, 676 00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:18,200 Speaker 1: some of those older sorority sisters that I thought were 677 00:40:18,239 --> 00:40:21,719 Speaker 1: going to, you know, help me flourish. And maybe this 678 00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:25,680 Speaker 1: was partly a lesson in the idea that pain for 679 00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:29,920 Speaker 1: your membership in a sorority, pain to be part of 680 00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:33,279 Speaker 1: a social club doesn't translate to someone actually caring about you. 681 00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:35,839 Speaker 1: I could have taken it as a lesson in that 682 00:40:36,080 --> 00:40:37,400 Speaker 1: I took it as a lesson in a lot of 683 00:40:37,440 --> 00:40:41,279 Speaker 1: things that were not that. But after these people you 684 00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:44,120 Speaker 1: know appeared in the room and started laughing, and me 685 00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:48,360 Speaker 1: being one confused what they're laughing at, one of them 686 00:40:48,719 --> 00:40:51,960 Speaker 1: steps up and says again, this was the one of 687 00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:54,520 Speaker 1: them that was my sorority sister looks at me and 688 00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:57,600 Speaker 1: she lets me know that that guy is actually her boyfriend, 689 00:40:57,600 --> 00:41:00,239 Speaker 1: and he's joking. He doesn't want to go to the date 690 00:41:00,280 --> 00:41:04,480 Speaker 1: party with me. He's messing with me and a couple things. 691 00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:08,479 Speaker 1: I don't know if they meant that joke to be mean, 692 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:11,799 Speaker 1: if they were just trying to be silly. All I 693 00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:15,640 Speaker 1: know is that I felt so embarrassed and the amount 694 00:41:15,719 --> 00:41:19,920 Speaker 1: of shame I felt for thinking that this guy could 695 00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:23,680 Speaker 1: actually be into me was all that really mattered, all 696 00:41:23,719 --> 00:41:28,759 Speaker 1: that I could really wrap my head around. And I'm 697 00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:31,160 Speaker 1: sharing this story, and then I also shared a couple 698 00:41:31,200 --> 00:41:34,520 Speaker 1: of those other things because this story, I think I 699 00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:37,040 Speaker 1: kind of told it in a more dramatic way. But 700 00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:39,239 Speaker 1: this story can be seen as something that's like, not 701 00:41:39,280 --> 00:41:42,200 Speaker 1: that big of a deal. All this guy like pretended 702 00:41:42,239 --> 00:41:46,640 Speaker 1: to ask you on a date, okay, And it was 703 00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:49,920 Speaker 1: a big deal to me. It made a lasting impact 704 00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:55,440 Speaker 1: on my experience of college, of my experience with friends, 705 00:41:55,520 --> 00:41:58,640 Speaker 1: of my experience of myself. And I'm not going to 706 00:41:58,719 --> 00:42:01,840 Speaker 1: deep dive into the repercussions that specific event. And again, 707 00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:03,840 Speaker 1: a lot of this event the reason that affected me 708 00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:05,799 Speaker 1: the way it did, it's also because of the things 709 00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:09,840 Speaker 1: that I had experience in my past. But without me 710 00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:13,040 Speaker 1: going into details that are not necessary for this podcast, 711 00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:15,959 Speaker 1: what I will say is that I'd never talked about 712 00:42:15,960 --> 00:42:19,520 Speaker 1: that event. I never brought it up again because I 713 00:42:19,600 --> 00:42:21,839 Speaker 1: was once so embarrassed that it happened, and I was 714 00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:25,520 Speaker 1: too so embarrassed that I had feelings about it. I 715 00:42:25,560 --> 00:42:28,640 Speaker 1: was embarrassed that I felt embarrassed and felt sad and 716 00:42:28,680 --> 00:42:31,439 Speaker 1: felt hurt. And I also was embarrassed that I thought 717 00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:33,600 Speaker 1: this guy and felt shame that I thought this guy 718 00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:36,360 Speaker 1: would like me, Like, oh my gosh, why would I 719 00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:38,680 Speaker 1: even think that? Like I should have known that it 720 00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:41,200 Speaker 1: was a joke. A lesson for all of us who 721 00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:43,920 Speaker 1: are trying to play jokes on people, Like what are 722 00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:46,600 Speaker 1: we wanting them to take out of that? Like I 723 00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:49,040 Speaker 1: really wish I could go back and ask what were 724 00:42:49,040 --> 00:42:51,959 Speaker 1: you wanting out of doing this? What were you looking for? 725 00:42:52,640 --> 00:42:55,160 Speaker 1: What were you hoping that I would do? And I 726 00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:58,279 Speaker 1: would respond? And I wish part of me wish is 727 00:42:58,320 --> 00:42:59,680 Speaker 1: I could go back and say this to myself that 728 00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:04,239 Speaker 1: it's not embarrassing that you thought somebody would be into you. 729 00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:09,280 Speaker 1: That's a healthy response. However, the feelings I had about 730 00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:13,120 Speaker 1: how big that event should have impacted me led to 731 00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:17,400 Speaker 1: me developing an unhealthy response to those kinds of things. 732 00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:19,520 Speaker 1: And like I said, I didn't tell anybody about it. 733 00:43:19,560 --> 00:43:23,360 Speaker 1: I actually asked my sister if she remembered that, because 734 00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:26,160 Speaker 1: I thought that I had told her, so I texted 735 00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:28,839 Speaker 1: her right before I went to record this to ask 736 00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:31,040 Speaker 1: her what she remembered about it, and she was like, 737 00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:33,759 Speaker 1: you never told me that, which says a lot. I 738 00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:36,160 Speaker 1: didn't even tell anybody, din't even tell my sister, And 739 00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:40,040 Speaker 1: so what did I do? I developed behaviors to avoid 740 00:43:40,080 --> 00:43:42,640 Speaker 1: ever being in that position again, and I believe things 741 00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:47,160 Speaker 1: that weren't true about me. Essentially, I sprained my emotional 742 00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:49,880 Speaker 1: ankle at that party, and because I refused to pay 743 00:43:49,920 --> 00:43:54,040 Speaker 1: attention to it, five to ten years later, I ended 744 00:43:54,120 --> 00:43:59,319 Speaker 1: up getting therapy's version of ACL surgery. And I know 745 00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:03,200 Speaker 1: those two surgeries don't exactly lead to the other, but 746 00:44:03,480 --> 00:44:05,600 Speaker 1: I'm not a doctor, and for the sake of time, 747 00:44:05,800 --> 00:44:08,760 Speaker 1: you kind of know what I mean by saying that. Again, 748 00:44:08,840 --> 00:44:10,960 Speaker 1: I want you guys to take into account my history 749 00:44:10,960 --> 00:44:14,680 Speaker 1: with friends, my pain tolerance, my history of dating, my 750 00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:18,680 Speaker 1: experience of emotional nurturing. All of those things play a 751 00:44:18,760 --> 00:44:22,319 Speaker 1: role on how the things after those things affected me, 752 00:44:22,880 --> 00:44:28,200 Speaker 1: which brings in the nuance of identifying what is traumatic. Right. 753 00:44:29,200 --> 00:44:31,680 Speaker 1: Somebody could have had that same experience and it wouldn't 754 00:44:31,719 --> 00:44:34,600 Speaker 1: have felt the same to them. It really might not 755 00:44:34,640 --> 00:44:36,399 Speaker 1: have been that big of a deal. It doesn't mean 756 00:44:36,440 --> 00:44:38,080 Speaker 1: that it wasn't a big deal to me, and it 757 00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:41,040 Speaker 1: doesn't mean that there wasn't an ability for it to 758 00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:45,560 Speaker 1: be a big deal to me. It wasn't the event itself, right, 759 00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:49,359 Speaker 1: it's what I took from that event that mattered. And 760 00:44:49,760 --> 00:44:52,080 Speaker 1: you know, I hate this, I wish it wasn't this way. 761 00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:54,520 Speaker 1: But little T traumas are often things that we get 762 00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:58,239 Speaker 1: that cringey feeling when we think about considering it being 763 00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:01,360 Speaker 1: in quotes that big of a deal. So if you 764 00:45:01,440 --> 00:45:04,319 Speaker 1: think that would be embarrassing if that actually affected me, 765 00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:08,880 Speaker 1: chances are that thing may have affected you. And I 766 00:45:08,920 --> 00:45:12,759 Speaker 1: also want to say, if labeling something as trauma right now, 767 00:45:12,800 --> 00:45:15,480 Speaker 1: as you're listening to this and relaying it to your 768 00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:18,600 Speaker 1: own life, if that feels too big, that's okay. You 769 00:45:18,600 --> 00:45:20,319 Speaker 1: can call it whatever you want as long as you 770 00:45:20,360 --> 00:45:23,600 Speaker 1: allow space for your humanists to be validated, seen and celebrated, 771 00:45:24,800 --> 00:45:29,360 Speaker 1: and you allow the truth of really what happened to 772 00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:33,840 Speaker 1: come out. I didn't do something bad by having a 773 00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:37,560 Speaker 1: feeling about that situation. I didn't do something wrong. I 774 00:45:37,560 --> 00:45:41,040 Speaker 1: didn't do something embarrassing. The event itself was messed up, 775 00:45:41,800 --> 00:45:44,960 Speaker 1: not my response to it. So when we are thinking 776 00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:47,920 Speaker 1: about little T traumas, it's the fact that your dad 777 00:45:47,960 --> 00:45:51,120 Speaker 1: didn't show up at your championship game, it's the date 778 00:45:51,120 --> 00:45:54,680 Speaker 1: you got stood up on, It's the joke that was 779 00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:59,080 Speaker 1: made at your expense. It's when your big sister ignored 780 00:45:59,160 --> 00:46:03,759 Speaker 1: you hallway of your new school, when you didn't get 781 00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:06,799 Speaker 1: invited to the birthday party, or when no one showed 782 00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:09,319 Speaker 1: up to your birthday party. It's when your mom came 783 00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:12,960 Speaker 1: to your dance recital drunk, or when your teacher laughed 784 00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:16,320 Speaker 1: when you asked a question you thought was pretty valid. 785 00:46:16,719 --> 00:46:19,799 Speaker 1: It's when you couldn't afford the right cheerleading shoes and 786 00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:23,240 Speaker 1: so you got in trouble, or when you kept getting 787 00:46:23,320 --> 00:46:27,480 Speaker 1: picked last at recess for the basketball team. It might 788 00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:30,400 Speaker 1: be when your childhood dog passed away, or when your 789 00:46:30,440 --> 00:46:34,160 Speaker 1: boyfriend said he wasn't in love with you anymore. You 790 00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:37,839 Speaker 1: may have experienced little t trauma in the unhealthy work 791 00:46:37,920 --> 00:46:42,760 Speaker 1: environment that you experienced, or the time your dentist convinced 792 00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:45,480 Speaker 1: you that you needed a procedure that you actually didn't. 793 00:46:46,120 --> 00:46:48,400 Speaker 1: Little te traumas are the things that we tell ourselves 794 00:46:48,480 --> 00:46:52,719 Speaker 1: shouldn't matter, but actually matter a whole lot. They are 795 00:46:52,719 --> 00:46:55,319 Speaker 1: the things that can be brushed off as normal experiences, 796 00:46:55,800 --> 00:46:58,960 Speaker 1: and if isolated, they don't lend themselves to the makings 797 00:46:58,960 --> 00:47:03,759 Speaker 1: of traumatic stresses, which leads us to avoid, ignore, minimize 798 00:47:03,800 --> 00:47:08,160 Speaker 1: and numb. And when we repeatedly ignore when things affect us, 799 00:47:08,800 --> 00:47:11,920 Speaker 1: we repeatedly ignore the opportunity to get the things that 800 00:47:11,960 --> 00:47:15,400 Speaker 1: we needed in those moments, and then we end up 801 00:47:15,440 --> 00:47:19,160 Speaker 1: developing beliefs that are followed by behaviors to continue to 802 00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:23,520 Speaker 1: avoid experiencing ever again those feelings that we felt in 803 00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:27,800 Speaker 1: that moment. So, like I tried to stress in the beginning, 804 00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:31,600 Speaker 1: this is not an all encompassing, somewhat lecture on what 805 00:47:31,719 --> 00:47:35,320 Speaker 1: is and what isn't little t trauma. This isn't about 806 00:47:35,360 --> 00:47:38,760 Speaker 1: me telling you what is for you. It's about opening 807 00:47:38,840 --> 00:47:42,640 Speaker 1: up space for you to acknowledge what might be. And 808 00:47:42,719 --> 00:47:46,560 Speaker 1: I shared some experiences from my own life because hopefully 809 00:47:47,200 --> 00:47:50,839 Speaker 1: you can translate those to something that you felt that 810 00:47:50,920 --> 00:47:56,040 Speaker 1: was very similar. Acknowledging things that have been painful for me, 811 00:47:57,080 --> 00:47:59,880 Speaker 1: harmful for me, that have been less than nurturing for 812 00:48:00,200 --> 00:48:05,360 Speaker 1: me has not limited me in my adult life. It 813 00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:07,680 Speaker 1: has actually opened up so much space for me to 814 00:48:08,800 --> 00:48:11,640 Speaker 1: have the things that I now know that I deserve, 815 00:48:11,880 --> 00:48:14,279 Speaker 1: and do the things that I truly want to do, 816 00:48:14,560 --> 00:48:19,239 Speaker 1: and feel the fullness of what being a human has 817 00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:22,239 Speaker 1: to offer. And yeah, that comes with some pain. It 818 00:48:22,239 --> 00:48:25,600 Speaker 1: also comes with a lot of joy, and not everybody's 819 00:48:25,600 --> 00:48:27,520 Speaker 1: going to understand that. I think that's the other thing 820 00:48:27,520 --> 00:48:29,920 Speaker 1: that I want you guys to hear in this is 821 00:48:29,960 --> 00:48:33,279 Speaker 1: that not already understands trauma. Not everybody understands that just 822 00:48:33,360 --> 00:48:35,359 Speaker 1: because it wasn't like that for them, it doesn't mean 823 00:48:35,400 --> 00:48:39,000 Speaker 1: that it's not like that for me, And that we 824 00:48:39,040 --> 00:48:42,320 Speaker 1: can go through the same thing and you know, experience 825 00:48:42,320 --> 00:48:46,360 Speaker 1: it very differently. So again it brings us back to 826 00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:50,720 Speaker 1: this idea that we are allowed to be the truth 827 00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:53,200 Speaker 1: tellers in our own lives. We don't have to look 828 00:48:53,239 --> 00:48:57,640 Speaker 1: to others to know if something is worth acknowledging if 829 00:48:58,160 --> 00:49:01,360 Speaker 1: it is that big of a deal. We get to 830 00:49:01,719 --> 00:49:04,319 Speaker 1: look inward and ask ourselves if it was that big 831 00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:07,560 Speaker 1: of a deal. So I hope this was helpful and 832 00:49:07,800 --> 00:49:12,080 Speaker 1: clarifying and opens up space for you guys to understand 833 00:49:12,120 --> 00:49:15,640 Speaker 1: yourself and have compassion for yourself and also have more 834 00:49:15,680 --> 00:49:19,080 Speaker 1: compassion and empathy for those around you that you might 835 00:49:19,120 --> 00:49:22,719 Speaker 1: not understand their responses to things. So that's going to 836 00:49:22,760 --> 00:49:27,280 Speaker 1: do it for me today. If you guys have questions, feedback, comments, concerns, anything, 837 00:49:27,360 --> 00:49:28,920 Speaker 1: please send them to me. You can send them to 838 00:49:29,040 --> 00:49:32,239 Speaker 1: Katherine at you Need Therapy Podcast dot com. You can 839 00:49:32,280 --> 00:49:35,480 Speaker 1: follow us on Instagram at You Need Therapy Podcast. You 840 00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:38,359 Speaker 1: can follow me at Cat dot Defata. You can follow 841 00:49:38,400 --> 00:49:41,360 Speaker 1: my therapy practice at three Quarters Therapy. I will be 842 00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:43,640 Speaker 1: back with you guys on Wednesday for couch Talks where 843 00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:46,760 Speaker 1: I answer questions that you send to me to Catherine 844 00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:49,120 Speaker 1: at you Need Therapy podcast dot com. And until then, 845 00:49:49,160 --> 00:49:51,360 Speaker 1: I hope you guys are having the day you need 846 00:49:51,440 --> 00:49:51,719 Speaker 1: to have.