Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the
Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my
Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from
Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a
Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I
Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along
Speaker 1: the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. One of the most difficult challenges we're facing
Speaker 1: any relationship is learning to live, to stand in to
Speaker 1: speak the truth, because when we don't tell the truth,
Speaker 1: it sets up a filter of not just dishonesty, but betrayal.
Speaker 1: When someone loves and cares about you, they trust you
Speaker 1: with their heart, their feelings. There's an unspoken reliance on
Speaker 1: you and that what you are saying and doing comes
Speaker 1: from a place of truth and honesty. And when it
Speaker 1: is discovered that you have not spoken the truth, that
Speaker 1: you have not shared the truth, that you've out and
Speaker 1: out told a lie, that betrayal is a trust of
Speaker 1: the person's heart. This is particularly difficult and hard and
Speaker 1: challenging and a huge problem when that betrayal is from
Speaker 1: parent to child. That's the exact situation my first guest
Speaker 1: is facing today. Here's her story. Greetings, be loved, and
Speaker 1: welcome to the our spot. What is your relationship challenge
Speaker 1: issued dilemma that we can nibble on together today?
Speaker 2: Hi, Emma, thank you so much. I just want to
Speaker 2: say first that I've been listening to your show and
Speaker 2: reading all your books, and your knowledge has helped me
Speaker 2: in so many ways.
Speaker 1: What a blessing. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2: Thank you. So. I'm currently on my healing journey and
Speaker 2: I've been doing so much inner work and I really
Speaker 2: want to handle things in the correct way. And I
Speaker 2: feel like before my journey, my relationships have been a mess.
Speaker 2: And the specific situation that I'm in conflict with the
Speaker 2: most is the relationship I have with my daughter's fathers.
Speaker 2: And they say father because she has one biological father
Speaker 2: and then the man who raised her from birth and
Speaker 2: who's also on her birth certificate.
Speaker 1: I tell, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: wait a minute, wait a minute, you just okay, her
Speaker 1: biological father, yes, and then the man who's on her
Speaker 1: birth certificate, yes, break that down for me, please.
Speaker 2: So when I got pregnant with her, I was in
Speaker 2: I guess a situationship with her biological father. Him and
Speaker 2: I we were on and off for about fifteen years since,
Speaker 2: like high school, and I told him that I was
Speaker 2: pregnant and his response was, well, let's just play it
Speaker 2: by ear. So I freaked out a little bit, and
Speaker 2: my best friend, who is now the one who was
Speaker 2: on her birth certificate, he was my best friend at
Speaker 2: the time, said he would step up and he would
Speaker 2: take care of her, and he would, you know, be
Speaker 2: there every step of the way. So that's how that
Speaker 2: kind of happened.
Speaker 1: So are you and your best friend in relationship or
Speaker 1: was he just the man in her life?
Speaker 2: He was the man in her life and we we
Speaker 2: broke up about about three years ago, so.
Speaker 1: You were together with him as a partner, your best
Speaker 1: friend and it.
Speaker 2: Ended up that way. Yes, After he said he would
Speaker 2: step up, I said, okay, let's let's do this. Let's
Speaker 2: you know, be parents. Let's you know. Now, one of
Speaker 2: the issues is we didn't tell her that that wasn't
Speaker 2: her real father.
Speaker 1: Yes, that's a problem.
Speaker 2: Yes, it is a big problem. And since we broke up,
Speaker 2: he's kind of uh, he stayed in her life for
Speaker 2: a little while, and then when he found out I
Speaker 2: was dating, he kind of ghosted her and.
Speaker 1: Me, Oh boy, yes, I love this word situationship. I
Speaker 1: love that word.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So you got three situationships going on, the daughter and
Speaker 1: the natural father, the daughter and the surrogate father, and
Speaker 1: now you were in I guess another relationship which has
Speaker 1: sent the the surrogate father running for the hills. Yes,
Speaker 1: how old is your daughter?
Speaker 2: He's eight?
Speaker 1: She's eight? Whooh, you had a lot going on in
Speaker 1: eight years.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, it's been a lot.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 2: I just I realize, you know, when you're in when
Speaker 2: you're in it and you're doing these things, it seems
Speaker 2: like you're making the right choices at the moment. And
Speaker 2: when I step back and looked at it, I just
Speaker 2: realized how messed up it is. And you know, I
Speaker 2: want to handle this in the right way, Like I don't.
Speaker 2: I feel bad to go through the courts. I really
Speaker 2: don't even know where to start. I don't want her
Speaker 2: to hold it against me, and I feel like she does,
Speaker 2: so I feel like it's a big mess.
Speaker 1: Well, what she holds against you, beloved, is that you
Speaker 1: built her life on a lie. You built her life
Speaker 1: on the lie. So that's what you're battling. And also
Speaker 1: that's a violation of trust. And I guess that you
Speaker 1: did what you thought was appropriate at the time, but
Speaker 1: it's a violation of trust. And now you've got a
Speaker 1: double abandonment, her natural father's abandonment and now her surrogate
Speaker 1: father's abandonment. So at eight years old, this woman child
Speaker 1: has had two very important pillars in her life abandon
Speaker 1: her and the person that she probably trusts the most
Speaker 1: with her heart has lied to her. Do you get that?
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I absolutely get that.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying this to beat you up, but you're
Speaker 1: not going to be able to unravel it unless you
Speaker 1: face the whole truth of what it is.
Speaker 2: Yes, I have done so much reflecting on that. You're correct.
Speaker 1: Have you done the forgiveness work of yourself? Not of
Speaker 1: these men I'm trying. Okay, well, that's going to be
Speaker 1: the first that because you've got to clear the deck. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so let's put that on whole for a minute. We'll
Speaker 1: put that in a note to file forgiveness of self. Okay,
Speaker 1: what is the situation with her natural father right now?
Speaker 2: We were trying to work it out. I would say
Speaker 2: about two years ago. I you know, we talked about
Speaker 2: telling her the truth together, We talked about, you know,
Speaker 2: just trying to pick up the pieces and handle it
Speaker 2: the best way we can at the moment. And then
Speaker 2: he basically went ghosts like he just he changed his number.
Speaker 2: I can't get in contact with him.
Speaker 1: Full abandonment, Yes, and I get it. Do you understand
Speaker 1: what that why that situation looks like that.
Speaker 2: A little bit?
Speaker 1: Well, you didn't hold him responsible initially, Yeah, whether you
Speaker 1: and he were in relationship at all. And this is
Speaker 1: a mistake that we often make when we in our
Speaker 1: relationship with the man. We failed to hold him responsible
Speaker 1: to be a father. So that door was closed. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So he went on with his life and we don't
Speaker 1: know what he's got going on in his life, what
Speaker 1: lies he told, what stories he didn't tell?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 1: Has he told the people in his life that he
Speaker 1: has a daughter?
Speaker 2: Right? Right?
Speaker 1: You know? And if you were in and out of
Speaker 1: relationship with him for over fifteen years, do you know
Speaker 1: his family? Maybe his mother can be an advocate on
Speaker 1: your behalf. But my concern here is for the child.
Speaker 2: Yes, that's my biggest concern as well.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so she doesn't know. She doesn't know that the
Speaker 1: surrogate wasn't her real father.
Speaker 2: She knows now. I told her last year.
Speaker 1: And what was her response to that.
Speaker 2: As well as she doesn't really understand Folly, Yeah, she
Speaker 2: just says that she has two dads, And of course
Speaker 2: I and I didn't even want to tell her, but
Speaker 2: when her the man who was there for her kind
Speaker 2: of went away, I just felt the need to tell her, like, hey,
Speaker 2: he he's not your real dad and I can't make
Speaker 2: him show up.
Speaker 1: And what is his situation now? He just doesn't where
Speaker 1: what is he doing? What is his conversation about not
Speaker 1: being there for her?
Speaker 2: Well, he actually won't return any of my calls or answer.
Speaker 2: I have a relationship still with his mother. She still
Speaker 2: talks to my daughter his daughter, and she's still in relationship.
Speaker 2: But he just he doesn't respond at all, or he
Speaker 2: doesn't really say anything.
Speaker 1: So his relationship with you is incomplete. I'm assuming I
Speaker 1: could be very wrong. I'm not even assuming. I'm saying
Speaker 1: that you and him did not part on good terms. No,
Speaker 1: we didn't, Okay, So your relationship with him is bleeding
Speaker 1: into his relationship with his daughter, just as the natural
Speaker 1: father's relationship with you bled into the relationship with his daughter.
Speaker 1: So if neither of these men are responding, then what
Speaker 1: we have to do is look at you and the daughter.
Speaker 1: This is a lot for her at eight, So what
Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to do is drop all
Speaker 1: of that and focus on healing her up. I don't
Speaker 1: know if that means put her in therapy. I don't
Speaker 1: know if that means having constant conversations with her. Eight
Speaker 1: is eight is interesting, and.
Speaker 2: I do I heard one of your episodes where you
Speaker 2: had a young lady and she was grown and she
Speaker 2: didn't know her biological father or her her father wasn't
Speaker 2: her biological father until she was a lot older, and
Speaker 2: I just never I never wanted it to be that,
Speaker 2: And I almost regret telling her because I don't know
Speaker 2: how to have those conversations. I don't of course, I
Speaker 2: don't want to avoid it. I don't want to act
Speaker 2: like it's not happening, and I want her to feel
Speaker 2: open to talk. But I'm not one hundred percent sure
Speaker 2: how to handle it with her either.
Speaker 1: You know, I don't know her. What kind of a
Speaker 1: child is she? What is her?
Speaker 2: Do you know? She's she's so happy you know, she's
Speaker 2: such a happy kid, but she's not very expressive with emotions,
Speaker 2: especially if she's feeling upset. She she doesn't love to
Speaker 2: talk about it. I do my best to pull it
Speaker 2: out of her, to try to get her to understand
Speaker 2: what she's feeling and why she's feeling it, but she
Speaker 2: does not love to talk about feelings.
Speaker 1: So she's eight, So that's industry versus inferiority, meaning she's
Speaker 1: developing and growing into her capacity to do work, to
Speaker 1: be rewarded, to feel good about what she does. So
Speaker 1: affirmation is very important to her. Every little thing, great, job,
Speaker 1: you're doing great, you're doing good, and it's missing daddy.
Speaker 1: Thing probably will create some level of inferiority. So what
Speaker 1: do we do now, We'll talk about that right after
Speaker 1: this break. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get
Speaker 1: back to the conversation. Either now or certainly by the
Speaker 1: time she's ten. I would really encourage you to get
Speaker 1: some outside support for her to really understand this. The
Speaker 1: big thing here, mommy, is the violation of trust. You've
Speaker 1: lied to her, so she's built her life on a
Speaker 1: false foundation. So the abandonment of the surrogate father is
Speaker 1: really where the break is. But then when she understands
Speaker 1: that she has a natural father who is choosing not
Speaker 1: to be in relationship with her, well, then we got
Speaker 1: a whole nother animal. But that we can probably postpone
Speaker 1: until she's thirteen fourteen, and you just have to tell
Speaker 1: her the story. In the meantime, you've got some work
Speaker 1: to do, just in terms of forgiveness, so that you
Speaker 1: can eliminate the guilt and the shame and the regret
Speaker 1: and the remorse and all of that stuff, so that
Speaker 1: when you're talking with her and helping her understand how
Speaker 1: women make decisions and why you made the decision, you're
Speaker 1: doing it from a neutral place within yourself. Because she
Speaker 1: will feel your guilt and she will feel your remorse.
Speaker 1: So you've got to do a lot of forgiveness work
Speaker 1: on you, and you can secure for her forgiveness subconsciously
Speaker 1: by doing a few things. Number One, I ask for
Speaker 1: and claim the forgiveness of my daughter blah blah blah,
Speaker 1: whatever her name is, for betraying her trust. I ask
Speaker 1: for and claim forgiveness of my daughter for being dishonest
Speaker 1: about her origins. I asked for And you've got to
Speaker 1: do that also, so I want to send you to forgiveness, okay,
Speaker 1: because you've got to be clear in this. She can't understand, baby,
Speaker 1: I was in a you know, a situationship with your
Speaker 1: father and he didn't want to be a parent, But
Speaker 1: forgiveness clear to that. So you got to do yourself forgiveness.
Speaker 1: You've got to ask for and claim biological dad's forgiveness,
Speaker 1: and the other the surrogate father, he was a gift
Speaker 1: of grace, you know, for him. How many men are
Speaker 1: going to step in and take care of somebody else's
Speaker 1: child and put the name on the versustiy So we
Speaker 1: can't even be mad at him. It's what he's doing
Speaker 1: is irresponsible, but that's the foundation of her birth. It
Speaker 1: was irresponsible of her father to say, let's play it
Speaker 1: by ear. We got a human being coming here, which
Speaker 1: ear you want to feed him? Her right can't eat ears.
Speaker 1: So Mama, this is your work. I would say, do
Speaker 1: your work, and unless she brings it up, make sure
Speaker 1: that you're clear when you talk about her. Do you
Speaker 1: know that the bio dad's family? Do you know his
Speaker 1: mother her?
Speaker 2: I do. I don't have contact with her, but I
Speaker 2: do know her. We live in the same town. We
Speaker 2: don't live far from each other.
Speaker 1: But do you know how to get in touch with her?
Speaker 2: I probably could, yes.
Speaker 1: You know, when you're clear within yourself, I would write
Speaker 1: her and ask her for her support and creating a relate,
Speaker 1: you know, just a contact between your daughter and her
Speaker 1: father and also your daughter and her patriarchal line. We
Speaker 1: don't know. Does does his mother know about her?
Speaker 2: He told me she did, but I once again, I don't.
Speaker 2: I don't know. I she I have not talked to
Speaker 2: her about her granddaughter.
Speaker 1: You know, for me, it's like God make the crooked
Speaker 1: places straight.
Speaker 2: Do you think it's a good idea to contact her
Speaker 2: and get her in a relationship? I said, like I
Speaker 2: sit and just ignore that right not now?
Speaker 1: This is this is a mess. And again I want
Speaker 1: you clear. I want you clear because you cannot go
Speaker 1: into this with any guilt, any shame, any remorse, any regret.
Speaker 1: You have to be able to stand in the choices
Speaker 1: that you've made without any of that, because she's going
Speaker 1: to need you. She's going to need you to be
Speaker 1: able to ask for her forgiveness when when that time comes.
Speaker 1: Right now, you're claiming it for yourself within yourself.
Speaker 2: Like I want her to talk about it. I want
Speaker 2: I want to be support I want to, I want
Speaker 2: to I want to make sure it's not being suppressed.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and speak to it in terms of general relationships,
Speaker 1: not her specific case. And what I mean by that is,
Speaker 1: you know, sometimes when people in the relationship they want
Speaker 1: to walk away totally from each other, and in that process,
Speaker 1: the children get left behind, their collateral damage. Let her
Speaker 1: know his walking away wasn't about her. It was about
Speaker 1: you and him, and she just is part of the
Speaker 1: collateral damage. Speak about it more in a general sense, Okay,
Speaker 1: And when you feel ready, right, or connect with natural
Speaker 1: dad's mom and see if you can enroll her as
Speaker 1: an ally an advocate on your behalf. Ye oh, well, mama,
Speaker 1: what a tangled web?
Speaker 2: Yes it is.
Speaker 1: You listen, so tell me something. Tell me something you
Speaker 1: know now that you didn't know when you.
Speaker 2: Called that forgivenessus Keith, and that in order for me
Speaker 2: to be able to handle my things clearly, and that
Speaker 2: I wish for them to be handled not a mess.
Speaker 1: It's for forgiveness, yeah, Yeah, forgiveness of yourself so that
Speaker 1: your energy can be clean when you're dealing with her.
Speaker 1: You got a little time because the truth is, you know,
Speaker 1: and I want to say this with its much love
Speaker 1: and support as possible, But the potential damage is already done.
Speaker 1: And the biggest damage was the dishonesty, because that's a
Speaker 1: violation of trust. So buckle up because twelve thirteen fourteen,
Speaker 1: she's coming for you. Yeah, she's coming for you. That's
Speaker 1: a hard time for girls and moms in general. Twelve thirteen,
Speaker 1: fourteen fifteen. That's a hard time because the little girl
Speaker 1: is becoming a woman, and you know, she could be
Speaker 1: in rivalry with you. And now we've got this here.
Speaker 1: That's why your forgiveness is so very very important.
Speaker 2: Yes, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: All right, my beloved, you take good care.
Speaker 2: Okay, thank you too, Bye.
Speaker 1: Bye, Okay. One of the things that we as adults
Speaker 1: must begin to be more mindful of, more sensitive to,
Speaker 1: more conscious of, is how our behavior with each other
Speaker 1: impacts and affects the children. So very often children become
Speaker 1: collateral damage in the dysfunction between adults, and if we
Speaker 1: do not tell the truth about what's going on between
Speaker 1: the adults, then the children usually end up living the lie.
Speaker 1: But the blessing of us being able to do the work,
Speaker 1: the blessing of us having to do the work is
Speaker 1: that it heals our heart, and when our art is healed,
Speaker 1: it sends out a completely different energy into the home,
Speaker 1: into the relationship, and into the world. So never tire,
Speaker 1: sister women, of the work that we have to do
Speaker 1: to hold it all together. Now, we don't have to
Speaker 1: sacrifice ourselves, and we don't have to run ourselves into
Speaker 1: the ground, but most of the work is done internally.
Speaker 1: Be willing because the rewards are great. My next caller
Speaker 1: is experiencing the similar issue, but for a very different reason. Greetings, beloved,
Speaker 1: and welcome to the R spot. Thank you for calling today.
Speaker 1: And what is your relationship challenge dilemma issue that we
Speaker 1: are going to nibble on together?
Speaker 3: Hi, how are you?
Speaker 1: I am so blessed? How are you?
Speaker 3: I'm blessed, but I'm nervous. So my relationships, my relationship child,
Speaker 3: don't be nervous, okay, my relationship challenge.
Speaker 1: Take a breath. Take a breath, Take a breath, Take
Speaker 1: a breath. Wait a minute, take a breath, because I
Speaker 1: can hear you getting ready to take off from the
Speaker 1: starting line.
Speaker 2: I am, I really am.
Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, listen, let me just tell you a secret.
Speaker 1: Don't tell anybody I said this. Okay, I don't bite
Speaker 1: unless it's Wednesday and the moon is full and it's
Speaker 1: an odd day.
Speaker 3: Okay. So I'm in luck.
Speaker 1: I'm in luck, that's right.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 3: So I'm twenty seven years old. I'm gonna stay at
Speaker 3: home mom of six. My relationship dilemma right now is
Speaker 3: me and my partner. We have the poorest communication. I
Speaker 3: personally don't think that my communication skills are the issue,
Speaker 3: but I know that they probably could be. But just
Speaker 3: to give you a little backstory, I am. I was
Speaker 3: a single mom. Prior to meeting him. I had two
Speaker 3: children already and I was pregnant with two more and
Speaker 3: the dad didn't want to be in their life. So
Speaker 3: when I met him, him know everything, like, I'm handling
Speaker 3: this by myself. If you want to be here, you can.
Speaker 3: If you don't, then you don't have to, And he
Speaker 3: was like, you know, I will. During the course of
Speaker 3: us being together, we found out that I may not
Speaker 3: be able to have children again because the twin pregnancy
Speaker 3: was so difficult. But three months after giving birth to
Speaker 3: my first set of twins, I got pregnant with another
Speaker 3: set of twins, which are his biological twins, so by
Speaker 3: the grace of God, it was a healthy pregnancy. They
Speaker 3: were born early. But so we have six children. He
Speaker 3: has taken four responsibilities for all the children that I
Speaker 3: had prior. So he went from having zero kids to six,
Speaker 3: and in that he had to kind of, like I
Speaker 3: want to say, grow up kind of fast. He's he's
Speaker 3: twenty nine, but everything that used to be his norm,
Speaker 3: like coming home from work playing the game, or taking long,
Speaker 3: long work trips because he works on the road, taking
Speaker 3: longer work trips, and not having to take into consideration
Speaker 3: in his family, all those things had to change because
Speaker 3: of what he took on. So now it's to a
Speaker 3: point where we're just at each other's next, like twenty
Speaker 3: four to seven. We try not to argue in front
Speaker 3: of the kids, but sometimes things happen, and so the
Speaker 3: past two three months we've been arguing a lot, and
Speaker 3: so recently I asked him. I was just like, you
Speaker 3: have to leave because I can't. I can't keep my
Speaker 3: sanity and be a good mom and show up for
Speaker 3: my kids in a way that I need to with
Speaker 3: us arguing like this, I literally stand in front of
Speaker 3: this man crying. I'm like I am hurting right now.
Speaker 3: He's like, get out front, get from in front of
Speaker 3: me crying. He's completely detached. I don't get any time,
Speaker 3: attention or affection. And he says that he does not
Speaker 3: trust me with his emotion and his feelings. And I
Speaker 3: believe it's because during my second twin pregnancy, we would
Speaker 3: get into arguments and I would say things like really
Speaker 3: really hurtful things. I have thrown things from his past
Speaker 3: in his faith, but I've apologized, taken full accountability for
Speaker 3: those things I have. You know, what can I do
Speaker 3: to fix it? I can't undo my words. I can't
Speaker 3: you know, unsafe the things that I've said.
Speaker 2: To hurt you.
Speaker 3: But it's just it's like he hasn't let anything go.
Speaker 3: And so when we get into an argument, everything that
Speaker 3: I've ever said that could have possibly hurt him, whether
Speaker 3: it was when we first started dating or just yesterday,
Speaker 3: he will bring it up.
Speaker 1: Take a breath. How long? How old is this relationship
Speaker 1: or how long have you been together?
Speaker 2: In?
Speaker 3: About two months?
Speaker 2: Early?
Speaker 3: Two years?
Speaker 1: Wow? A lot, that's a lot, real fast, right? Two years?
Speaker 1: Six kids? Okay, what do y'all argue about?
Speaker 3: It's the smallest things. Literally, we got into an argument.
Speaker 3: Our most recent argument was I called him out to
Speaker 3: the car to tell him that I didn't want to know.
Speaker 3: I didn't want to be in a relationship any longer,
Speaker 3: but I didn't mind if he stayed in the home
Speaker 3: with us, because we just needed to work on ourselves separately.
Speaker 3: And so when he started talking, he basically kind of
Speaker 3: disregarded the whole I don't want to be in a
Speaker 3: relationship part, and he wanted to talk about, oh, yeah,
Speaker 3: sometimes I just want you to hold me, and this
Speaker 3: is what I've been going through. And then he went
Speaker 3: back to his childhood and how he was bullied and stuff,
Speaker 3: and I knew in the back of my mind that
Speaker 3: he's not even paying attention to the part that I
Speaker 3: said I didn't want to view with him. So when
Speaker 3: the conversation was over, I said, hey, you know, what
Speaker 3: is our conclusion, Like what is the conclusion that we're
Speaker 3: coming to here? And he was like, I don't know.
Speaker 3: So I said, okay, I'll give you some time and
Speaker 3: i'll ask you again later. So a couple of hours
Speaker 3: go past, we get the kids down for bed, and
Speaker 3: I was like, hey, so what's the conclusion And he
Speaker 3: was like, if you don't want to ask and be
Speaker 3: with me, then you don't have to be with me.
Speaker 3: He just starts snapping. I was like, yo, I'm just
Speaker 3: trying to understand because both of us had a conversation,
Speaker 3: we shared our emotions about it, we shared our feelings,
Speaker 3: so I just want to know where do we go
Speaker 3: from here? And he just was like irritatd and his parents.
Speaker 3: They have been really supportive of us throughout this whole journey.
Speaker 3: But his dad was like, oh, he was just hungry
Speaker 3: and like overwhelmed with the kids and stuff. And it's like,
Speaker 3: I understand that, but there's a way to say that
Speaker 3: versus just snapping off at me. And so everything is
Speaker 3: kind of like him just he's just really snappy.
Speaker 1: Okay, do you I heard you say that you don't
Speaker 1: want to be in a relationship with him? Is that true?
Speaker 1: Or is it that you don't want to be in
Speaker 1: a relationship the way it is now?
Speaker 2: That is what it is.
Speaker 3: I don't want to be in a relationship the way
Speaker 3: it is now. Like with the communication that we're having now,
Speaker 3: the issues, like the small arguments when I say, hey,
Speaker 3: I want a burger, but I want a smash burger
Speaker 3: and then I'm like, well, it's Patty's in a fridge,
Speaker 3: and he's like, that's not how you make one that
Speaker 3: turns into an argument, like little stuff like that. I
Speaker 3: don't have the mental capacity to argue over stuff like that.
Speaker 3: I'm scheduling doctors.
Speaker 1: Well, you must have it, because it takes two people
Speaker 1: to argue it.
Speaker 2: Does it does?
Speaker 1: All right? Let me leave that right there for a minute.
Speaker 1: Do you believe that this relationship can be healed? Do
Speaker 1: you believe that from my perspective?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Okay? Do you love him?
Speaker 3: I do?
Speaker 1: Okay? What do you love about him?
Speaker 3: I love how he is with the kids. I love
Speaker 3: how he laughs.
Speaker 2: I love when he laughs.
Speaker 3: He has like dimples that you just never see unless
Speaker 3: he's laughing really hard, and he has grace my.
Speaker 2: Son with those dimples.
Speaker 3: I love it. I love how he pays really close
Speaker 3: attention to detail.
Speaker 2: How am I getting emotional?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 1: Because you love him and you don't have the skills
Speaker 1: and the tools to navigate the difficulties. So instead of
Speaker 1: developing the skills and the tools, you're rejecting him and
Speaker 1: abandoning him. And that's not really what you want. What
Speaker 1: you want is for the real relationship to be healed.
Speaker 1: You don't want to be out of the relationship. You
Speaker 1: want the relationship to be healed. Is that accurate, Desim, Okay,
Speaker 1: we'll talk more about it when we come back. Welcome back.
Speaker 1: I am y. I'm learning. This is the ur spot.
Speaker 1: You love that he's a great father. You love that
Speaker 1: he has dimples. You love that he is detail oriented.
Speaker 1: You love that the adjustments that he's willing to make.
Speaker 1: I didn't hear you say. I love the way he
Speaker 1: looks at me. I love the way he touches me.
Speaker 1: I love how it feels when we're together. I love
Speaker 1: the start of the other thing. You love what he does.
Speaker 1: Do you love who he is?
Speaker 3: I love who he is, but I don't love who
Speaker 3: he is most recently, I haven't said those things because
Speaker 3: he doesn't touch me. He doesn't look at me.
Speaker 2: No, he doesn't pay me me attention.
Speaker 1: Actually, well why would he? If everything he says you'll
Speaker 1: arguing about right and if something has happened or occurred.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something. I want to share something
Speaker 1: with you. You're twenty nine. I'm three times older than you,
Speaker 1: three times plus. So I want to speak to you
Speaker 1: as an elder wise woman. Okay, definitely not making you wrong.
Speaker 1: This is common among women, particularly young women in the world,
Speaker 1: because very often women in my generation failed to do
Speaker 1: their job, which was teach and educate and support the
Speaker 1: young women. We failed because we were busy. Okay, so
Speaker 1: please forgive us. One of the most dangerous weapons that
Speaker 1: a woman possesses is her mouth, because she doesn't understand
Speaker 1: that what comes out of her mouth goes not to
Speaker 1: the man's ears, but to his heart. What a man
Speaker 1: says out of his mouth goes into our mind. So
Speaker 1: when we hear a man speaking, we gotta think about
Speaker 1: what that means, and that will trigger how we feel.
Speaker 1: But when a woman speaks, a man's feeling is triggered
Speaker 1: and then he has to think about what she means.
Speaker 1: Do you understand what I'm saying to you. Yes, So
Speaker 1: you have cursed him with your mouth. You have triggered
Speaker 1: feelings in him with your speaking that he probably can't
Speaker 1: even navigate. I'm not making you wrong, beloved. I want
Speaker 1: you to understand the roots of this breakdown, and if
Speaker 1: you believe that the relationship can be healed, the good
Speaker 1: news is that the same thing that cause the breakdown
Speaker 1: is the same thing that can create the healing if
Speaker 1: that is what you choose. This is no punk here
Speaker 1: a man who takes on four children that are not
Speaker 1: his own. You've got a man of substance and value.
Speaker 1: But do you want to destroy that? Okay, so let's
Speaker 1: take a breath and let's put our woman medicine to
Speaker 1: work here.
Speaker 3: I don't know what to do.
Speaker 2: He won't even seek to me.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 1: Is he still in the house, No, ma'am. How long
Speaker 1: has he been out of the house.
Speaker 3: It's been about a week. But he I don't know
Speaker 3: if he would be at the house if he was
Speaker 3: not on the road. He does have his key, which
Speaker 3: I originally was just like, give me the key, but
Speaker 3: I packed him a back he works on the road.
Speaker 3: I packed him a bag for the road, and I
Speaker 3: took it to him. I put his key in there,
Speaker 3: and I said, you know, whenever you're ready to come home,
Speaker 3: like you have a space to come to. But he's
Speaker 3: been on the road for some time, for about four
Speaker 3: or five days.
Speaker 1: So yeah, so let me ask you a question. Do
Speaker 1: you speak to him every day?
Speaker 2: The kid speaks to him.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 2: When I try to talk, he doesn't really want to talk.
Speaker 1: Okay, So there's no talking. Let's stop the talking. Let's
Speaker 1: stop the talking. Okay, no talking a loud What do
Speaker 1: you think he would say if you called him and
Speaker 1: said to him, when are you coming home? And is
Speaker 1: that something you're willing to do? You don't have to
Speaker 1: be willing. I'm not attached to it. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: get you to the point of healing. Is that something
Speaker 1: you're willing to do.
Speaker 3: I'm definitely willing to do it.
Speaker 1: Do you want him to come home?
Speaker 2: I do you do one?
Speaker 1: Okay? So when are you willing to call him and
Speaker 1: say boo boo? I don't know what his name is.
Speaker 1: I want you to come home and I want us
Speaker 1: to work on healing.
Speaker 3: I'm willing to him and say that, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because you want him to come home. And you
Speaker 1: have to stop running for the hills when things get hard.
Speaker 1: I want you to leave a house because I can't
Speaker 1: live like this. You've been living like this and it
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be like this. And you are the woman.
Speaker 1: You are the heart and center of the family, so
Speaker 1: you have to clean up your stuff in order to
Speaker 1: get that heart energy all through the family. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense? And it's not that he doesn't have his
Speaker 1: work to do. But I want you to understand who
Speaker 1: you are as a woman. You hold the energy. You
Speaker 1: put it in the grits, you put it in the eggs,
Speaker 1: you put it in the paint, you put it in
Speaker 1: the interior decoration. Your heart. You are the heart. And
Speaker 1: if your heart ain't right, it's just gonna filter out
Speaker 1: all over the place. And you're loving this man for
Speaker 1: what he does and what he does for you. You
Speaker 1: got to start loving him for who he is, his
Speaker 1: favorite color, his favorite cologne, What is he like in
Speaker 1: his bath? When was the last time you said to him,
Speaker 1: I so appreciate your attention to detail. When was the
Speaker 1: last time you said that?
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I haven't said that in a while. I don't know
Speaker 2: if I've ever said that to him.
Speaker 1: When was the last time you said to him, do
Speaker 1: you know how much I love your dimples? When was
Speaker 1: the last time you said that to him?
Speaker 3: I doubt I've ever said that.
Speaker 1: When was the last time you said, I so appreciate
Speaker 1: that you are a great dad and how you are
Speaker 1: always willing to make the adjustments to the things that
Speaker 1: I ask of you. When was the last time you
Speaker 1: said that.
Speaker 3: I have said that the conversation where I was ending
Speaker 3: our relationship, I said that in the beginning. That's how
Speaker 3: I started it. I told him that I appreciate the
Speaker 3: type of dad he is and how he pays attention
Speaker 3: to the kids and stuff like that.
Speaker 1: So what can we do to work on our communication
Speaker 1: so that this will be a happy place for all
Speaker 1: of us? And it's interesting, you see, men need acknowledgment.
Speaker 1: That means you have to acknowledge every little thing you do.
Speaker 1: You are a stay at home mom, So that tells
Speaker 1: me he's paying the rent and bringing home the check.
Speaker 1: Would that be accurate? Oh no, Oh, he don't pay the.
Speaker 3: Bills and he pays his portion. I pay my portion,
Speaker 3: and I pay like some of the smaller bills. He
Speaker 3: pays some of the smaller bills.
Speaker 1: Okay. So that's something that y'all can talk about that
Speaker 1: you don't have to argue about. But we'll talk about
Speaker 1: that later. Okay. So men love acknowledgment of everything. They
Speaker 1: need acknowledgment because one of the major complaints I hear
Speaker 1: from men is no matter what I do, it ain't right.
Speaker 1: No matter what I do, it's not enough. She always
Speaker 1: talks about what I don't do, but never talks about
Speaker 1: what I do. I can hear your guilts seeping through
Speaker 1: the telephone, really literally, I feel it. It's all over me.
Speaker 1: Men need acknowledgement. And that's not to say that they don't,
Speaker 1: you know, fall short sometime. But we need to acknowledge them.
Speaker 1: Why because our mouth is tied to their heart. A
Speaker 1: woman's mouth is tied to a man's heart. And when
Speaker 1: we don't acknowledge them, we curse them. When we complain,
Speaker 1: we cur it's like evil. You're casting a spell over them. Okay,
Speaker 1: men need acknowledgment. They need affirmation. I you know, I
Speaker 1: know you go out there and it's hard driving, and
Speaker 1: they need appreciation. But I really appreciate how you work
Speaker 1: for this family. Look at you taking out that trash.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Oh my gosh, you put the
Speaker 1: toilet seat down. I really appreciate that or whatever. And
Speaker 1: it sounds crazy that we have to do that as women,
Speaker 1: we have to do that, but it opens their heart.
Speaker 1: That's why we do it. It's our medicine and they
Speaker 1: may not do it to us because their medicine is
Speaker 1: in the thinking. Our medicine is in the speaking. Can
Speaker 1: you hear me, yes, ma'am, so, I really appreciate acknowledgement, affirmation.
Speaker 1: You can do it, baby, I know you can do it.
Speaker 1: Come on, let's put a plan together. We're gonna do
Speaker 1: this thing. I'm gonna support you. You gotta do this.
Speaker 1: He needs an acknowledgment of the things that he does.
Speaker 1: He needs affirmation of who he is, and he needs
Speaker 1: appreciation for what he gives. And this is something you
Speaker 1: have to learn to do because you haven't been trained
Speaker 1: to do it. And it's not taking anything from you.
Speaker 1: It's going to create a healing in your relationship. What
Speaker 1: is his vision for himself? What is his vision for
Speaker 1: his life? Does he want to be driving truck for
Speaker 1: the rest of his life? Does he have a vision?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: What is your vision? These are the things that you
Speaker 1: all have to talk about so that you know how
Speaker 1: to support him and he knows how to support you.
Speaker 1: But let me tell you something. In twenty twenty three,
Speaker 1: I'm assuming I could be very wrong. Please forgive me
Speaker 1: if I'm wrong. You sound like a black woman to me.
Speaker 1: I could be wrong. Yes, ma'am, you are black woman,
Speaker 1: stay at home mom with a man.
Speaker 3: What in twenty three, how many.
Speaker 1: Women, got two kids and got to get up every
Speaker 1: morning and go to somebody's job, drop the kids off
Speaker 1: at daycare, come home to cook, pay the bills. Where's
Speaker 1: your where's your gratitude? Appreciate him, acknowledge a firm because
Speaker 1: you can get that from your girlfriends. Your girlfriends are
Speaker 1: the girl. You're doing good a girl. I'm happy that
Speaker 1: your girlfriends will do that for you. Who does that
Speaker 1: for him?
Speaker 3: Right? And that's what So yeah, that's what he always says,
Speaker 3: Like we have a really big platform on Instagram, a
Speaker 3: family platform, and he says, those people they always talk
Speaker 3: positive about you, but no one's says anything about him.
Speaker 3: No one acknowledges him. Even when we take our kids
Speaker 3: to the doctor together and you rarely see black men
Speaker 3: at the doctor with their kids with their spouse. The
Speaker 3: doctors are like, oh, mom, you're doing such a great job.
Speaker 3: And I'm like, well, he's right here too, or I
Speaker 3: always say, well, I couldn't be doing it without him,
Speaker 3: and I apologize to him. I'm sorry that they didn't
Speaker 3: acknowledge you, you know, and so I know that the
Speaker 3: world doesn't really see him.
Speaker 1: They're just like, okay, well then next time. That's very good.
Speaker 1: I'm glad that you noticed that. And the next time
Speaker 1: you can say to the doctor, how do you acknowledge
Speaker 1: the dads? Don't even make it personal about him, say
Speaker 1: I appreciate you acknowledge me, but how do you acknowledge
Speaker 1: the dad to show up with their children? Just find
Speaker 1: out that girl that's gonna make him pee hisself with happiness.
Speaker 1: And then whatever he says, you turn to him and say,
Speaker 1: he's acknowledging you for blah blah blah blah. That's showing
Speaker 1: him that you support him. That's showing him that you
Speaker 1: acknowledge him. Does that make sense to you.
Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am, you can do this. I'm getting it right now.
Speaker 3: I don't want to lose him as a person.
Speaker 1: I don't uhha aha, Yes, yes, And you don't want
Speaker 1: to bust up your family. And if you know, if
Speaker 1: it gets too hard, you know, get some outside help.
Speaker 1: Because as you clean up your heart, I'm telling you,
Speaker 1: it's gonna shift the whole atmosphere. You are shifting the atmosphere.
Speaker 1: Acknowledge him, appreciate him, affirm him as you take care
Speaker 1: of yourself. Let him know that you want this to
Speaker 1: work because you value who he is. Not what he does.
Speaker 1: Who is he? If he likes butter pekan ice cream,
Speaker 1: he should need to never not walk up in that
Speaker 1: house and that butter pk and ice cream is not there.
Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: If he drinks a particular thing, you greet him at
Speaker 1: the door with it. When he hits the door, you
Speaker 1: let him know I really want to hug you and
Speaker 1: hold you because I missed you. Can we do that?
Speaker 1: Ask his permission because he doesn't trust you. And then
Speaker 1: if he says no, don't get your feelings hurt, because
Speaker 1: remember you're healing, and sometimes healing takes a minute. You're
Speaker 1: in recovery. You're in the recovery room. You don't be
Speaker 1: in the recovery room dancing and singing. You're in the
Speaker 1: recovery room laying flat on your back and pay and drugged.
Speaker 1: You're in a recovery room. Okay, tell me something you
Speaker 1: know now that you didn't know when you called here today.
Speaker 3: Everything I've been writing notes. You said to monitor my mouse,
Speaker 3: and you said to when I asked him, does he
Speaker 3: want to come home? Or when I let him know
Speaker 3: that he can come home, or that I want him
Speaker 3: to come home. So let him know that I understand
Speaker 3: if it's not something he's comfortable doing. And I know
Speaker 3: before I say anything, to think, is it's something that
Speaker 3: needs to be said. Do I need to say it
Speaker 3: right now? And can I say it in a way
Speaker 3: that I want heal it?
Speaker 1: Mm hmm yeah, and appreciation, acknowledgment of affirmation and appreciation.
Speaker 1: That's his medicine. And remember, no matter what comes out
Speaker 1: of your mouth, it's going straight to his heart. So
Speaker 1: in those moments of weakness, when you say something that
Speaker 1: you know has cut a hole in his heart, apologize
Speaker 1: right then, don't let it go on, don't fight to
Speaker 1: be right. You know what, I shouldn't have said that.
Speaker 1: Forgive me. Not I'm sorry, but forgive me. Forgive me.
Speaker 1: That was that was unloving. Forgive me, and then go
Speaker 1: somewhere and sit yourself down. It's a soap and washing mouth.
Speaker 2: It.
Speaker 1: Now here's a little secret weapon. Don't tell anybody that
Speaker 1: I told you this. Okay, this is just between you
Speaker 1: and me. Okay, call his mom and acknowledge to her.
Speaker 1: I think I've made some mistakes with your son, and
Speaker 1: I want to apologize to you. Why are you apologizing
Speaker 1: to her? Because the king is the king? Because of
Speaker 1: his mother. There's something she instilled in him that would
Speaker 1: make him amenable, available to take on a woman and
Speaker 1: four children that didn't come from his daddy, that came
Speaker 1: from his mother. Acknowledge to her, I've made some mistakes
Speaker 1: with your son. I've spoken without thinking, I don't breathe
Speaker 1: I've said things that have cut his heart, and because
Speaker 1: of my unfinished business, rather than trying to heal with him,
Speaker 1: I tried to run, which is abandonment, whatever.
Speaker 2: Whatever.
Speaker 1: Talk to her as a mama, Okay, but if you
Speaker 1: let her know that you've made some mistakes with her son,
Speaker 1: she will be your ally because it sounds like he
Speaker 1: has a decent relationship with her.
Speaker 2: He does, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, don't tell anybody I told you that.
Speaker 3: Okay, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1: Just between you and me. Sh do your work. Baby,
Speaker 1: It's gonna be just fine. Do your work, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 2: Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Okay, thank you, and good luck for you and them
Speaker 1: six babies. Remember you are raising somebody's father and somebody's husband.
Speaker 1: How many girls you got?
Speaker 3: Four?
Speaker 1: Four girls and two boys? Okay, So you want to
Speaker 1: be a good demonstration and a good example, alrighty, thank
Speaker 1: you so much. Let me know how you make out.
Speaker 1: Send me an email, a text or something, and let
Speaker 1: me know how you make out.
Speaker 3: Okay, yes, ma'am, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Alrighty bye bye. It's easy to focus on what's wrong
Speaker 1: in a relationship and what breaks down in a relationship,
Speaker 1: and what we're not getting from a relationship, and so
Speaker 1: very often when we focus on that, what we see
Speaker 1: is our exit strategy, our exit plan, and it's usually
Speaker 1: just to run away without fixing anything. But I'm here
Speaker 1: to tell you that the very things that are broken
Speaker 1: in a relationship, as long as there's no violence, the
Speaker 1: very things that are broken are the exact things that
Speaker 1: we need to look at to facilitate our healing. And
Speaker 1: if we take a moment to just look at those
Speaker 1: things and pick them apart and examine them, we will
Speaker 1: find what it is that we need to heal. I
Speaker 1: hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you
Speaker 1: have a question about this or any other relationship issue,
Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three
Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to
Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times,
Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The
Speaker 1: r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your
Speaker 1: favorite shows.