1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,280 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the 2 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,400 Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my 3 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from 4 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a 5 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:20,320 Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I 6 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:23,720 Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along 7 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:27,159 Speaker 1: the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to 8 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:31,320 Speaker 1: the r Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership 9 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. One of the most difficult challenges we're facing 10 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:57,800 Speaker 1: any relationship is learning to live, to stand in to 11 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:03,440 Speaker 1: speak the truth, because when we don't tell the truth, 12 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:10,240 Speaker 1: it sets up a filter of not just dishonesty, but betrayal. 13 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:14,720 Speaker 1: When someone loves and cares about you, they trust you 14 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:22,319 Speaker 1: with their heart, their feelings. There's an unspoken reliance on 15 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:26,479 Speaker 1: you and that what you are saying and doing comes 16 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:29,080 Speaker 1: from a place of truth and honesty. And when it 17 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:33,560 Speaker 1: is discovered that you have not spoken the truth, that 18 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:37,120 Speaker 1: you have not shared the truth, that you've out and 19 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 1: out told a lie, that betrayal is a trust of 20 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:48,240 Speaker 1: the person's heart. This is particularly difficult and hard and 21 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:52,640 Speaker 1: challenging and a huge problem when that betrayal is from 22 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:57,600 Speaker 1: parent to child. That's the exact situation my first guest 23 00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:03,840 Speaker 1: is facing today. Here's her story. Greetings, be loved, and 24 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:07,600 Speaker 1: welcome to the our spot. What is your relationship challenge 25 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,600 Speaker 1: issued dilemma that we can nibble on together today? 26 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:13,720 Speaker 2: Hi, Emma, thank you so much. I just want to 27 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:15,960 Speaker 2: say first that I've been listening to your show and 28 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,720 Speaker 2: reading all your books, and your knowledge has helped me 29 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 2: in so many ways. 30 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:22,160 Speaker 1: What a blessing. Thank you so much. 31 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:27,600 Speaker 2: Thank you. So. I'm currently on my healing journey and 32 00:02:27,639 --> 00:02:30,520 Speaker 2: I've been doing so much inner work and I really 33 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:33,000 Speaker 2: want to handle things in the correct way. And I 34 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:38,359 Speaker 2: feel like before my journey, my relationships have been a mess. 35 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:41,560 Speaker 2: And the specific situation that I'm in conflict with the 36 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,760 Speaker 2: most is the relationship I have with my daughter's fathers. 37 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:48,120 Speaker 2: And they say father because she has one biological father 38 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,480 Speaker 2: and then the man who raised her from birth and 39 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,160 Speaker 2: who's also on her birth certificate. 40 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,959 Speaker 1: I tell, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, 41 00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 1: wait a minute, wait a minute, you just okay, her 42 00:03:03,639 --> 00:03:08,200 Speaker 1: biological father, yes, and then the man who's on her 43 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:11,520 Speaker 1: birth certificate, yes, break that down for me, please. 44 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:19,120 Speaker 2: So when I got pregnant with her, I was in 45 00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:24,920 Speaker 2: I guess a situationship with her biological father. Him and 46 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:28,480 Speaker 2: I we were on and off for about fifteen years since, 47 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:31,120 Speaker 2: like high school, and I told him that I was 48 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,880 Speaker 2: pregnant and his response was, well, let's just play it 49 00:03:33,919 --> 00:03:38,920 Speaker 2: by ear. So I freaked out a little bit, and 50 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:41,880 Speaker 2: my best friend, who is now the one who was 51 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,760 Speaker 2: on her birth certificate, he was my best friend at 52 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaker 2: the time, said he would step up and he would 53 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,840 Speaker 2: take care of her, and he would, you know, be 54 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:52,840 Speaker 2: there every step of the way. So that's how that 55 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:53,640 Speaker 2: kind of happened. 56 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:58,520 Speaker 1: So are you and your best friend in relationship or 57 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:00,640 Speaker 1: was he just the man in her life? 58 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,320 Speaker 2: He was the man in her life and we we 59 00:04:03,480 --> 00:04:07,360 Speaker 2: broke up about about three years ago, so. 60 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,280 Speaker 1: You were together with him as a partner, your best 61 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,400 Speaker 1: friend and it. 62 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,200 Speaker 2: Ended up that way. Yes, After he said he would 63 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,960 Speaker 2: step up, I said, okay, let's let's do this. Let's 64 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:20,400 Speaker 2: you know, be parents. Let's you know. Now, one of 65 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,120 Speaker 2: the issues is we didn't tell her that that wasn't 66 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:23,839 Speaker 2: her real father. 67 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:25,800 Speaker 1: Yes, that's a problem. 68 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,880 Speaker 2: Yes, it is a big problem. And since we broke up, 69 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:32,200 Speaker 2: he's kind of uh, he stayed in her life for 70 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,640 Speaker 2: a little while, and then when he found out I 71 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:39,040 Speaker 2: was dating, he kind of ghosted her and. 72 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:46,359 Speaker 1: Me, Oh boy, yes, I love this word situationship. I 73 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:47,159 Speaker 1: love that word. 74 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:47,600 Speaker 2: Yeah. 75 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:52,400 Speaker 1: So you got three situationships going on, the daughter and 76 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:57,240 Speaker 1: the natural father, the daughter and the surrogate father, and 77 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,719 Speaker 1: now you were in I guess another relationship which has 78 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:05,920 Speaker 1: sent the the surrogate father running for the hills. Yes, 79 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:07,440 Speaker 1: how old is your daughter? 80 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:09,320 Speaker 2: He's eight? 81 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,680 Speaker 1: She's eight? Whooh, you had a lot going on in 82 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:14,360 Speaker 1: eight years. 83 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:17,119 Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, it's been a lot. 84 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:17,560 Speaker 1: No. 85 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:21,080 Speaker 2: I just I realize, you know, when you're in when 86 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,440 Speaker 2: you're in it and you're doing these things, it seems 87 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:26,080 Speaker 2: like you're making the right choices at the moment. And 88 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,040 Speaker 2: when I step back and looked at it, I just 89 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:33,400 Speaker 2: realized how messed up it is. And you know, I 90 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:36,279 Speaker 2: want to handle this in the right way, Like I don't. 91 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:40,080 Speaker 2: I feel bad to go through the courts. I really 92 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,920 Speaker 2: don't even know where to start. I don't want her 93 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,080 Speaker 2: to hold it against me, and I feel like she does, 94 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:45,800 Speaker 2: so I feel like it's a big mess. 95 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:49,000 Speaker 1: Well, what she holds against you, beloved, is that you 96 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,200 Speaker 1: built her life on a lie. You built her life 97 00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:56,200 Speaker 1: on the lie. So that's what you're battling. And also 98 00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:00,520 Speaker 1: that's a violation of trust. And I guess that you 99 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:04,240 Speaker 1: did what you thought was appropriate at the time, but 100 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:08,880 Speaker 1: it's a violation of trust. And now you've got a 101 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:14,680 Speaker 1: double abandonment, her natural father's abandonment and now her surrogate 102 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:20,160 Speaker 1: father's abandonment. So at eight years old, this woman child 103 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:26,120 Speaker 1: has had two very important pillars in her life abandon 104 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 1: her and the person that she probably trusts the most 105 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:33,800 Speaker 1: with her heart has lied to her. Do you get that? 106 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:35,800 Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I absolutely get that. 107 00:06:37,839 --> 00:06:40,560 Speaker 1: I'm not saying this to beat you up, but you're 108 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:44,080 Speaker 1: not going to be able to unravel it unless you 109 00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:45,880 Speaker 1: face the whole truth of what it is. 110 00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:51,120 Speaker 2: Yes, I have done so much reflecting on that. You're correct. 111 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:56,200 Speaker 1: Have you done the forgiveness work of yourself? Not of 112 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:59,479 Speaker 1: these men I'm trying. Okay, well, that's going to be 113 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:04,400 Speaker 1: the first that because you've got to clear the deck. Yeah, 114 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:08,240 Speaker 1: so let's put that on whole for a minute. We'll 115 00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:12,240 Speaker 1: put that in a note to file forgiveness of self. Okay, 116 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:16,679 Speaker 1: what is the situation with her natural father right now? 117 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:20,440 Speaker 2: We were trying to work it out. I would say 118 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:24,720 Speaker 2: about two years ago. I you know, we talked about 119 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:28,000 Speaker 2: telling her the truth together, We talked about, you know, 120 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:31,960 Speaker 2: just trying to pick up the pieces and handle it 121 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,880 Speaker 2: the best way we can at the moment. And then 122 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:39,640 Speaker 2: he basically went ghosts like he just he changed his number. 123 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,160 Speaker 2: I can't get in contact with him. 124 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:46,520 Speaker 1: Full abandonment, Yes, and I get it. Do you understand 125 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,240 Speaker 1: what that why that situation looks like that. 126 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:52,000 Speaker 2: A little bit? 127 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:57,840 Speaker 1: Well, you didn't hold him responsible initially, Yeah, whether you 128 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,840 Speaker 1: and he were in relationship at all. And this is 129 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:05,040 Speaker 1: a mistake that we often make when we in our 130 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:08,840 Speaker 1: relationship with the man. We failed to hold him responsible 131 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:13,840 Speaker 1: to be a father. So that door was closed. Yeah, 132 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:16,720 Speaker 1: So he went on with his life and we don't 133 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,440 Speaker 1: know what he's got going on in his life, what 134 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,640 Speaker 1: lies he told, what stories he didn't tell? 135 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:23,080 Speaker 2: You know? 136 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,880 Speaker 1: Has he told the people in his life that he 137 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:26,679 Speaker 1: has a daughter? 138 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:28,040 Speaker 2: Right? Right? 139 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:30,120 Speaker 1: You know? And if you were in and out of 140 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:34,120 Speaker 1: relationship with him for over fifteen years, do you know 141 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:38,439 Speaker 1: his family? Maybe his mother can be an advocate on 142 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:42,600 Speaker 1: your behalf. But my concern here is for the child. 143 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,640 Speaker 2: Yes, that's my biggest concern as well. 144 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:48,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, so she doesn't know. She doesn't know that the 145 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,720 Speaker 1: surrogate wasn't her real father. 146 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:53,400 Speaker 2: She knows now. I told her last year. 147 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,319 Speaker 1: And what was her response to that. 148 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:01,520 Speaker 2: As well as she doesn't really understand Folly, Yeah, she 149 00:09:01,679 --> 00:09:04,800 Speaker 2: just says that she has two dads, And of course 150 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,800 Speaker 2: I and I didn't even want to tell her, but 151 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:10,320 Speaker 2: when her the man who was there for her kind 152 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:15,439 Speaker 2: of went away, I just felt the need to tell her, like, hey, 153 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:18,679 Speaker 2: he he's not your real dad and I can't make 154 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:19,679 Speaker 2: him show up. 155 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:24,120 Speaker 1: And what is his situation now? He just doesn't where 156 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:28,040 Speaker 1: what is he doing? What is his conversation about not 157 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,040 Speaker 1: being there for her? 158 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:35,920 Speaker 2: Well, he actually won't return any of my calls or answer. 159 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:38,960 Speaker 2: I have a relationship still with his mother. She still 160 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:44,920 Speaker 2: talks to my daughter his daughter, and she's still in relationship. 161 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,680 Speaker 2: But he just he doesn't respond at all, or he 162 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,079 Speaker 2: doesn't really say anything. 163 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:56,880 Speaker 1: So his relationship with you is incomplete. I'm assuming I 164 00:09:56,920 --> 00:10:00,439 Speaker 1: could be very wrong. I'm not even assuming. I'm saying 165 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:03,520 Speaker 1: that you and him did not part on good terms. No, 166 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:10,520 Speaker 1: we didn't, Okay, So your relationship with him is bleeding 167 00:10:10,559 --> 00:10:14,320 Speaker 1: into his relationship with his daughter, just as the natural 168 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:20,520 Speaker 1: father's relationship with you bled into the relationship with his daughter. 169 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:28,080 Speaker 1: So if neither of these men are responding, then what 170 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,920 Speaker 1: we have to do is look at you and the daughter. 171 00:10:31,679 --> 00:10:34,200 Speaker 1: This is a lot for her at eight, So what 172 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:37,880 Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to do is drop all 173 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:42,320 Speaker 1: of that and focus on healing her up. I don't 174 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:45,200 Speaker 1: know if that means put her in therapy. I don't 175 00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:49,400 Speaker 1: know if that means having constant conversations with her. Eight 176 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:55,880 Speaker 1: is eight is interesting, and. 177 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:59,120 Speaker 2: I do I heard one of your episodes where you 178 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,880 Speaker 2: had a young lady and she was grown and she 179 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,720 Speaker 2: didn't know her biological father or her her father wasn't 180 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,320 Speaker 2: her biological father until she was a lot older, and 181 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,360 Speaker 2: I just never I never wanted it to be that, 182 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:14,160 Speaker 2: And I almost regret telling her because I don't know 183 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:17,679 Speaker 2: how to have those conversations. I don't of course, I 184 00:11:17,679 --> 00:11:19,720 Speaker 2: don't want to avoid it. I don't want to act 185 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,400 Speaker 2: like it's not happening, and I want her to feel 186 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,720 Speaker 2: open to talk. But I'm not one hundred percent sure 187 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,920 Speaker 2: how to handle it with her either. 188 00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:29,360 Speaker 1: You know, I don't know her. What kind of a 189 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,720 Speaker 1: child is she? What is her? 190 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,880 Speaker 2: Do you know? She's she's so happy you know, she's 191 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:39,920 Speaker 2: such a happy kid, but she's not very expressive with emotions, 192 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,320 Speaker 2: especially if she's feeling upset. She she doesn't love to 193 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:46,400 Speaker 2: talk about it. I do my best to pull it 194 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,400 Speaker 2: out of her, to try to get her to understand 195 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:51,079 Speaker 2: what she's feeling and why she's feeling it, but she 196 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,600 Speaker 2: does not love to talk about feelings. 197 00:11:54,000 --> 00:12:00,720 Speaker 1: So she's eight, So that's industry versus inferiority, meaning she's 198 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:07,760 Speaker 1: developing and growing into her capacity to do work, to 199 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:12,000 Speaker 1: be rewarded, to feel good about what she does. So 200 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:16,800 Speaker 1: affirmation is very important to her. Every little thing, great, job, 201 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:21,200 Speaker 1: you're doing great, you're doing good, and it's missing daddy. 202 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:27,840 Speaker 1: Thing probably will create some level of inferiority. So what 203 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:31,959 Speaker 1: do we do now, We'll talk about that right after 204 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:42,280 Speaker 1: this break. Welcome back to the R spot. Let's get 205 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:46,360 Speaker 1: back to the conversation. Either now or certainly by the 206 00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:49,480 Speaker 1: time she's ten. I would really encourage you to get 207 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:54,080 Speaker 1: some outside support for her to really understand this. The 208 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:59,080 Speaker 1: big thing here, mommy, is the violation of trust. You've 209 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:02,400 Speaker 1: lied to her, so she's built her life on a 210 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:09,240 Speaker 1: false foundation. So the abandonment of the surrogate father is 211 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:17,040 Speaker 1: really where the break is. But then when she understands 212 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,440 Speaker 1: that she has a natural father who is choosing not 213 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,480 Speaker 1: to be in relationship with her, well, then we got 214 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:27,880 Speaker 1: a whole nother animal. But that we can probably postpone 215 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:34,640 Speaker 1: until she's thirteen fourteen, and you just have to tell 216 00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:38,240 Speaker 1: her the story. In the meantime, you've got some work 217 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,520 Speaker 1: to do, just in terms of forgiveness, so that you 218 00:13:41,559 --> 00:13:47,080 Speaker 1: can eliminate the guilt and the shame and the regret 219 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,680 Speaker 1: and the remorse and all of that stuff, so that 220 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:55,120 Speaker 1: when you're talking with her and helping her understand how 221 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:58,680 Speaker 1: women make decisions and why you made the decision, you're 222 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:02,520 Speaker 1: doing it from a neutral place within yourself. Because she 223 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:06,960 Speaker 1: will feel your guilt and she will feel your remorse. 224 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,559 Speaker 1: So you've got to do a lot of forgiveness work 225 00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:17,520 Speaker 1: on you, and you can secure for her forgiveness subconsciously 226 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:22,280 Speaker 1: by doing a few things. Number One, I ask for 227 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:25,560 Speaker 1: and claim the forgiveness of my daughter blah blah blah, 228 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:30,680 Speaker 1: whatever her name is, for betraying her trust. I ask 229 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:35,320 Speaker 1: for and claim forgiveness of my daughter for being dishonest 230 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:38,400 Speaker 1: about her origins. I asked for And you've got to 231 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:43,960 Speaker 1: do that also, so I want to send you to forgiveness, okay, 232 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:49,080 Speaker 1: because you've got to be clear in this. She can't understand, baby, 233 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:52,680 Speaker 1: I was in a you know, a situationship with your 234 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:58,040 Speaker 1: father and he didn't want to be a parent, But 235 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:03,000 Speaker 1: forgiveness clear to that. So you got to do yourself forgiveness. 236 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:07,920 Speaker 1: You've got to ask for and claim biological dad's forgiveness, 237 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:12,080 Speaker 1: and the other the surrogate father, he was a gift 238 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,880 Speaker 1: of grace, you know, for him. How many men are 239 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,960 Speaker 1: going to step in and take care of somebody else's 240 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:21,200 Speaker 1: child and put the name on the versustiy So we 241 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:25,160 Speaker 1: can't even be mad at him. It's what he's doing 242 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:29,320 Speaker 1: is irresponsible, but that's the foundation of her birth. It 243 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:32,560 Speaker 1: was irresponsible of her father to say, let's play it 244 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:35,320 Speaker 1: by ear. We got a human being coming here, which 245 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:43,320 Speaker 1: ear you want to feed him? Her right can't eat ears. 246 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:47,040 Speaker 1: So Mama, this is your work. I would say, do 247 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:51,280 Speaker 1: your work, and unless she brings it up, make sure 248 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,480 Speaker 1: that you're clear when you talk about her. Do you 249 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:59,680 Speaker 1: know that the bio dad's family? Do you know his 250 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,120 Speaker 1: mother her? 251 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,360 Speaker 2: I do. I don't have contact with her, but I 252 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:07,400 Speaker 2: do know her. We live in the same town. We 253 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,640 Speaker 2: don't live far from each other. 254 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:12,400 Speaker 1: But do you know how to get in touch with her? 255 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,800 Speaker 2: I probably could, yes. 256 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,360 Speaker 1: You know, when you're clear within yourself, I would write 257 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:26,320 Speaker 1: her and ask her for her support and creating a relate, 258 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,680 Speaker 1: you know, just a contact between your daughter and her 259 00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:36,000 Speaker 1: father and also your daughter and her patriarchal line. We 260 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,440 Speaker 1: don't know. Does does his mother know about her? 261 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:42,960 Speaker 2: He told me she did, but I once again, I don't. 262 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,920 Speaker 2: I don't know. I she I have not talked to 263 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,200 Speaker 2: her about her granddaughter. 264 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:51,680 Speaker 1: You know, for me, it's like God make the crooked 265 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:52,480 Speaker 1: places straight. 266 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:59,000 Speaker 2: Do you think it's a good idea to contact her 267 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:03,040 Speaker 2: and get her in a relationship? I said, like I 268 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,960 Speaker 2: sit and just ignore that right not now? 269 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:11,359 Speaker 1: This is this is a mess. And again I want 270 00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:16,080 Speaker 1: you clear. I want you clear because you cannot go 271 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:20,800 Speaker 1: into this with any guilt, any shame, any remorse, any regret. 272 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,600 Speaker 1: You have to be able to stand in the choices 273 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:28,919 Speaker 1: that you've made without any of that, because she's going 274 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:32,199 Speaker 1: to need you. She's going to need you to be 275 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:36,680 Speaker 1: able to ask for her forgiveness when when that time comes. 276 00:17:37,359 --> 00:17:41,520 Speaker 1: Right now, you're claiming it for yourself within yourself. 277 00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:43,040 Speaker 2: Like I want her to talk about it. I want 278 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,880 Speaker 2: I want to be support I want to, I want 279 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:47,920 Speaker 2: to I want to make sure it's not being suppressed. 280 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:53,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, and speak to it in terms of general relationships, 281 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:56,240 Speaker 1: not her specific case. And what I mean by that is, 282 00:17:56,720 --> 00:18:01,280 Speaker 1: you know, sometimes when people in the relationship they want 283 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:06,240 Speaker 1: to walk away totally from each other, and in that process, 284 00:18:06,359 --> 00:18:10,760 Speaker 1: the children get left behind, their collateral damage. Let her 285 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:15,760 Speaker 1: know his walking away wasn't about her. It was about 286 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:19,639 Speaker 1: you and him, and she just is part of the 287 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:24,479 Speaker 1: collateral damage. Speak about it more in a general sense, Okay, 288 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:33,119 Speaker 1: And when you feel ready, right, or connect with natural 289 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,920 Speaker 1: dad's mom and see if you can enroll her as 290 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:42,840 Speaker 1: an ally an advocate on your behalf. Ye oh, well, mama, 291 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:45,399 Speaker 1: what a tangled web? 292 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,080 Speaker 2: Yes it is. 293 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:50,199 Speaker 1: You listen, so tell me something. Tell me something you 294 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,240 Speaker 1: know now that you didn't know when you. 295 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:56,560 Speaker 2: Called that forgivenessus Keith, and that in order for me 296 00:18:56,640 --> 00:19:00,359 Speaker 2: to be able to handle my things clearly, and that 297 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,000 Speaker 2: I wish for them to be handled not a mess. 298 00:19:04,359 --> 00:19:10,760 Speaker 1: It's for forgiveness, yeah, Yeah, forgiveness of yourself so that 299 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:14,240 Speaker 1: your energy can be clean when you're dealing with her. 300 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:18,760 Speaker 1: You got a little time because the truth is, you know, 301 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,399 Speaker 1: and I want to say this with its much love 302 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:27,640 Speaker 1: and support as possible, But the potential damage is already done. 303 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:32,560 Speaker 1: And the biggest damage was the dishonesty, because that's a 304 00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:39,200 Speaker 1: violation of trust. So buckle up because twelve thirteen fourteen, 305 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:43,720 Speaker 1: she's coming for you. Yeah, she's coming for you. That's 306 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:48,320 Speaker 1: a hard time for girls and moms in general. Twelve thirteen, 307 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:52,920 Speaker 1: fourteen fifteen. That's a hard time because the little girl 308 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,879 Speaker 1: is becoming a woman, and you know, she could be 309 00:19:56,200 --> 00:20:01,280 Speaker 1: in rivalry with you. And now we've got this here. 310 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,879 Speaker 1: That's why your forgiveness is so very very important. 311 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:06,560 Speaker 2: Yes, thank you so much. 312 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,000 Speaker 1: All right, my beloved, you take good care. 313 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:11,200 Speaker 2: Okay, thank you too, Bye. 314 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:17,320 Speaker 1: Bye, Okay. One of the things that we as adults 315 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:21,359 Speaker 1: must begin to be more mindful of, more sensitive to, 316 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:27,080 Speaker 1: more conscious of, is how our behavior with each other 317 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:33,800 Speaker 1: impacts and affects the children. So very often children become 318 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:39,919 Speaker 1: collateral damage in the dysfunction between adults, and if we 319 00:20:40,119 --> 00:20:45,000 Speaker 1: do not tell the truth about what's going on between 320 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:49,879 Speaker 1: the adults, then the children usually end up living the lie. 321 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:53,439 Speaker 1: But the blessing of us being able to do the work, 322 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:57,439 Speaker 1: the blessing of us having to do the work is 323 00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:00,840 Speaker 1: that it heals our heart, and when our art is healed, 324 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:05,040 Speaker 1: it sends out a completely different energy into the home, 325 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:10,240 Speaker 1: into the relationship, and into the world. So never tire, 326 00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:13,160 Speaker 1: sister women, of the work that we have to do 327 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,199 Speaker 1: to hold it all together. Now, we don't have to 328 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:20,080 Speaker 1: sacrifice ourselves, and we don't have to run ourselves into 329 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:23,640 Speaker 1: the ground, but most of the work is done internally. 330 00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:29,480 Speaker 1: Be willing because the rewards are great. My next caller 331 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:37,920 Speaker 1: is experiencing the similar issue, but for a very different reason. Greetings, beloved, 332 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:41,199 Speaker 1: and welcome to the R spot. Thank you for calling today. 333 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:45,080 Speaker 1: And what is your relationship challenge dilemma issue that we 334 00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:46,640 Speaker 1: are going to nibble on together? 335 00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:48,000 Speaker 3: Hi, how are you? 336 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,119 Speaker 1: I am so blessed? How are you? 337 00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:58,160 Speaker 3: I'm blessed, but I'm nervous. So my relationships, my relationship child, 338 00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:02,159 Speaker 3: don't be nervous, okay, my relationship challenge. 339 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,400 Speaker 1: Take a breath. Take a breath, Take a breath, Take 340 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:08,040 Speaker 1: a breath. Wait a minute, take a breath, because I 341 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,679 Speaker 1: can hear you getting ready to take off from the 342 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:11,480 Speaker 1: starting line. 343 00:22:12,359 --> 00:22:13,480 Speaker 2: I am, I really am. 344 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:17,160 Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, listen, let me just tell you a secret. 345 00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,879 Speaker 1: Don't tell anybody I said this. Okay, I don't bite 346 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:24,120 Speaker 1: unless it's Wednesday and the moon is full and it's 347 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:25,560 Speaker 1: an odd day. 348 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:26,880 Speaker 3: Okay. So I'm in luck. 349 00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,080 Speaker 1: I'm in luck, that's right. 350 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:32,080 Speaker 2: Okay. 351 00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:34,119 Speaker 3: So I'm twenty seven years old. I'm gonna stay at 352 00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:38,199 Speaker 3: home mom of six. My relationship dilemma right now is 353 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:42,200 Speaker 3: me and my partner. We have the poorest communication. I 354 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,879 Speaker 3: personally don't think that my communication skills are the issue, 355 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:48,320 Speaker 3: but I know that they probably could be. But just 356 00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:51,199 Speaker 3: to give you a little backstory, I am. I was 357 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,680 Speaker 3: a single mom. Prior to meeting him. I had two 358 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:57,639 Speaker 3: children already and I was pregnant with two more and 359 00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,080 Speaker 3: the dad didn't want to be in their life. So 360 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:02,080 Speaker 3: when I met him, him know everything, like, I'm handling 361 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:03,960 Speaker 3: this by myself. If you want to be here, you can. 362 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:06,480 Speaker 3: If you don't, then you don't have to, And he 363 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:08,879 Speaker 3: was like, you know, I will. During the course of 364 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,320 Speaker 3: us being together, we found out that I may not 365 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:16,560 Speaker 3: be able to have children again because the twin pregnancy 366 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,439 Speaker 3: was so difficult. But three months after giving birth to 367 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:21,800 Speaker 3: my first set of twins, I got pregnant with another 368 00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:25,640 Speaker 3: set of twins, which are his biological twins, so by 369 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,000 Speaker 3: the grace of God, it was a healthy pregnancy. They 370 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:31,760 Speaker 3: were born early. But so we have six children. He 371 00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:34,320 Speaker 3: has taken four responsibilities for all the children that I 372 00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:37,240 Speaker 3: had prior. So he went from having zero kids to six, 373 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,679 Speaker 3: and in that he had to kind of, like I 374 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,120 Speaker 3: want to say, grow up kind of fast. He's he's 375 00:23:43,119 --> 00:23:47,520 Speaker 3: twenty nine, but everything that used to be his norm, 376 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:50,840 Speaker 3: like coming home from work playing the game, or taking long, 377 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:54,080 Speaker 3: long work trips because he works on the road, taking 378 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:56,400 Speaker 3: longer work trips, and not having to take into consideration 379 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:59,520 Speaker 3: in his family, all those things had to change because 380 00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,480 Speaker 3: of what he took on. So now it's to a 381 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 3: point where we're just at each other's next, like twenty 382 00:24:05,119 --> 00:24:07,320 Speaker 3: four to seven. We try not to argue in front 383 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:10,399 Speaker 3: of the kids, but sometimes things happen, and so the 384 00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:13,639 Speaker 3: past two three months we've been arguing a lot, and 385 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,800 Speaker 3: so recently I asked him. I was just like, you 386 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:18,760 Speaker 3: have to leave because I can't. I can't keep my 387 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,879 Speaker 3: sanity and be a good mom and show up for 388 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:24,000 Speaker 3: my kids in a way that I need to with 389 00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:26,600 Speaker 3: us arguing like this, I literally stand in front of 390 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:28,880 Speaker 3: this man crying. I'm like I am hurting right now. 391 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:30,840 Speaker 3: He's like, get out front, get from in front of 392 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,960 Speaker 3: me crying. He's completely detached. I don't get any time, 393 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,440 Speaker 3: attention or affection. And he says that he does not 394 00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:40,520 Speaker 3: trust me with his emotion and his feelings. And I 395 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:44,640 Speaker 3: believe it's because during my second twin pregnancy, we would 396 00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:47,240 Speaker 3: get into arguments and I would say things like really 397 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:49,919 Speaker 3: really hurtful things. I have thrown things from his past 398 00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:53,560 Speaker 3: in his faith, but I've apologized, taken full accountability for 399 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,240 Speaker 3: those things I have. You know, what can I do 400 00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:58,679 Speaker 3: to fix it? I can't undo my words. I can't 401 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,080 Speaker 3: you know, unsafe the things that I've said. 402 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:01,359 Speaker 2: To hurt you. 403 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:06,720 Speaker 3: But it's just it's like he hasn't let anything go. 404 00:25:07,119 --> 00:25:09,679 Speaker 3: And so when we get into an argument, everything that 405 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:13,000 Speaker 3: I've ever said that could have possibly hurt him, whether 406 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:16,200 Speaker 3: it was when we first started dating or just yesterday, 407 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:17,480 Speaker 3: he will bring it up. 408 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:26,679 Speaker 1: Take a breath. How long? How old is this relationship 409 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:28,199 Speaker 1: or how long have you been together? 410 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:28,760 Speaker 2: In? 411 00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:29,440 Speaker 3: About two months? 412 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:29,680 Speaker 2: Early? 413 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:31,520 Speaker 3: Two years? 414 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:36,520 Speaker 1: Wow? A lot, that's a lot, real fast, right? Two years? 415 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:40,520 Speaker 1: Six kids? Okay, what do y'all argue about? 416 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:45,440 Speaker 3: It's the smallest things. Literally, we got into an argument. 417 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:50,520 Speaker 3: Our most recent argument was I called him out to 418 00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:52,800 Speaker 3: the car to tell him that I didn't want to know. 419 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:55,240 Speaker 3: I didn't want to be in a relationship any longer, 420 00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:58,320 Speaker 3: but I didn't mind if he stayed in the home 421 00:25:58,359 --> 00:26:03,320 Speaker 3: with us, because we just needed to work on ourselves separately. 422 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:07,879 Speaker 3: And so when he started talking, he basically kind of 423 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:09,639 Speaker 3: disregarded the whole I don't want to be in a 424 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,920 Speaker 3: relationship part, and he wanted to talk about, oh, yeah, 425 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,440 Speaker 3: sometimes I just want you to hold me, and this 426 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:16,080 Speaker 3: is what I've been going through. And then he went 427 00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:18,760 Speaker 3: back to his childhood and how he was bullied and stuff, 428 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:20,760 Speaker 3: and I knew in the back of my mind that 429 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:23,040 Speaker 3: he's not even paying attention to the part that I 430 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,080 Speaker 3: said I didn't want to view with him. So when 431 00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:28,359 Speaker 3: the conversation was over, I said, hey, you know, what 432 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:31,320 Speaker 3: is our conclusion, Like what is the conclusion that we're 433 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:32,879 Speaker 3: coming to here? And he was like, I don't know. 434 00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:35,200 Speaker 3: So I said, okay, I'll give you some time and 435 00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:37,160 Speaker 3: i'll ask you again later. So a couple of hours 436 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:39,960 Speaker 3: go past, we get the kids down for bed, and 437 00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,840 Speaker 3: I was like, hey, so what's the conclusion And he 438 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:44,600 Speaker 3: was like, if you don't want to ask and be 439 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:45,840 Speaker 3: with me, then you don't have to be with me. 440 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,960 Speaker 3: He just starts snapping. I was like, yo, I'm just 441 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:51,320 Speaker 3: trying to understand because both of us had a conversation, 442 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:54,840 Speaker 3: we shared our emotions about it, we shared our feelings, 443 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,199 Speaker 3: so I just want to know where do we go 444 00:26:57,280 --> 00:27:01,920 Speaker 3: from here? And he just was like irritatd and his parents. 445 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,640 Speaker 3: They have been really supportive of us throughout this whole journey. 446 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:09,080 Speaker 3: But his dad was like, oh, he was just hungry 447 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:11,359 Speaker 3: and like overwhelmed with the kids and stuff. And it's like, 448 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:13,720 Speaker 3: I understand that, but there's a way to say that 449 00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:16,960 Speaker 3: versus just snapping off at me. And so everything is 450 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:21,280 Speaker 3: kind of like him just he's just really snappy. 451 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:28,119 Speaker 1: Okay, do you I heard you say that you don't 452 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:31,000 Speaker 1: want to be in a relationship with him? Is that true? 453 00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,439 Speaker 1: Or is it that you don't want to be in 454 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:35,399 Speaker 1: a relationship the way it is now? 455 00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:37,200 Speaker 2: That is what it is. 456 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:38,920 Speaker 3: I don't want to be in a relationship the way 457 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:42,280 Speaker 3: it is now. Like with the communication that we're having now, 458 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:45,840 Speaker 3: the issues, like the small arguments when I say, hey, 459 00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:48,000 Speaker 3: I want a burger, but I want a smash burger 460 00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:49,800 Speaker 3: and then I'm like, well, it's Patty's in a fridge, 461 00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:52,520 Speaker 3: and he's like, that's not how you make one that 462 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:55,359 Speaker 3: turns into an argument, like little stuff like that. I 463 00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:58,320 Speaker 3: don't have the mental capacity to argue over stuff like that. 464 00:27:58,359 --> 00:28:00,000 Speaker 3: I'm scheduling doctors. 465 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:03,000 Speaker 1: Well, you must have it, because it takes two people 466 00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:04,040 Speaker 1: to argue it. 467 00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:05,040 Speaker 2: Does it does? 468 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:07,880 Speaker 1: All right? Let me leave that right there for a minute. 469 00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:12,919 Speaker 1: Do you believe that this relationship can be healed? Do 470 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:15,400 Speaker 1: you believe that from my perspective? 471 00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:15,680 Speaker 2: Yes? 472 00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:19,720 Speaker 1: Okay? Do you love him? 473 00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:20,240 Speaker 3: I do? 474 00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:22,320 Speaker 1: Okay? What do you love about him? 475 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:26,720 Speaker 3: I love how he is with the kids. I love 476 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:27,600 Speaker 3: how he laughs. 477 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:28,600 Speaker 2: I love when he laughs. 478 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,159 Speaker 3: He has like dimples that you just never see unless 479 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:33,440 Speaker 3: he's laughing really hard, and he has grace my. 480 00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:34,359 Speaker 2: Son with those dimples. 481 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:38,480 Speaker 3: I love it. I love how he pays really close 482 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:39,960 Speaker 3: attention to detail. 483 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:41,640 Speaker 2: How am I getting emotional? 484 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:43,200 Speaker 3: Oh? 485 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:47,160 Speaker 1: Because you love him and you don't have the skills 486 00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:51,600 Speaker 1: and the tools to navigate the difficulties. So instead of 487 00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:55,240 Speaker 1: developing the skills and the tools, you're rejecting him and 488 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:59,000 Speaker 1: abandoning him. And that's not really what you want. What 489 00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:01,440 Speaker 1: you want is for the real relationship to be healed. 490 00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:04,800 Speaker 1: You don't want to be out of the relationship. You 491 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:09,400 Speaker 1: want the relationship to be healed. Is that accurate, Desim, Okay, 492 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:21,440 Speaker 1: we'll talk more about it when we come back. Welcome back. 493 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:24,480 Speaker 1: I am y. I'm learning. This is the ur spot. 494 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,480 Speaker 1: You love that he's a great father. You love that 495 00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:31,800 Speaker 1: he has dimples. You love that he is detail oriented. 496 00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:36,240 Speaker 1: You love that the adjustments that he's willing to make. 497 00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,239 Speaker 1: I didn't hear you say. I love the way he 498 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:42,120 Speaker 1: looks at me. I love the way he touches me. 499 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:45,760 Speaker 1: I love how it feels when we're together. I love 500 00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:48,680 Speaker 1: the start of the other thing. You love what he does. 501 00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:50,320 Speaker 1: Do you love who he is? 502 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:53,400 Speaker 3: I love who he is, but I don't love who 503 00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:56,120 Speaker 3: he is most recently, I haven't said those things because 504 00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:58,480 Speaker 3: he doesn't touch me. He doesn't look at me. 505 00:29:58,680 --> 00:30:00,560 Speaker 2: No, he doesn't pay me me attention. 506 00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:07,360 Speaker 1: Actually, well why would he? If everything he says you'll 507 00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:11,640 Speaker 1: arguing about right and if something has happened or occurred. 508 00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:14,360 Speaker 1: Let me tell you something. I want to share something 509 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:18,200 Speaker 1: with you. You're twenty nine. I'm three times older than you, 510 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:21,640 Speaker 1: three times plus. So I want to speak to you 511 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:27,520 Speaker 1: as an elder wise woman. Okay, definitely not making you wrong. 512 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:32,400 Speaker 1: This is common among women, particularly young women in the world, 513 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:37,600 Speaker 1: because very often women in my generation failed to do 514 00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:42,520 Speaker 1: their job, which was teach and educate and support the 515 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:46,520 Speaker 1: young women. We failed because we were busy. Okay, so 516 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:53,280 Speaker 1: please forgive us. One of the most dangerous weapons that 517 00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:58,840 Speaker 1: a woman possesses is her mouth, because she doesn't understand 518 00:30:59,840 --> 00:31:03,480 Speaker 1: that what comes out of her mouth goes not to 519 00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:09,120 Speaker 1: the man's ears, but to his heart. What a man 520 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:15,120 Speaker 1: says out of his mouth goes into our mind. So 521 00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:17,520 Speaker 1: when we hear a man speaking, we gotta think about 522 00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:20,560 Speaker 1: what that means, and that will trigger how we feel. 523 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:25,600 Speaker 1: But when a woman speaks, a man's feeling is triggered 524 00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:29,120 Speaker 1: and then he has to think about what she means. 525 00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:32,680 Speaker 1: Do you understand what I'm saying to you. Yes, So 526 00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:36,480 Speaker 1: you have cursed him with your mouth. You have triggered 527 00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:41,440 Speaker 1: feelings in him with your speaking that he probably can't 528 00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:46,160 Speaker 1: even navigate. I'm not making you wrong, beloved. I want 529 00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:51,520 Speaker 1: you to understand the roots of this breakdown, and if 530 00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:57,600 Speaker 1: you believe that the relationship can be healed, the good 531 00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:01,240 Speaker 1: news is that the same thing that cause the breakdown 532 00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:04,880 Speaker 1: is the same thing that can create the healing if 533 00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:09,760 Speaker 1: that is what you choose. This is no punk here 534 00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:13,600 Speaker 1: a man who takes on four children that are not 535 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:17,960 Speaker 1: his own. You've got a man of substance and value. 536 00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:22,200 Speaker 1: But do you want to destroy that? Okay, so let's 537 00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:24,920 Speaker 1: take a breath and let's put our woman medicine to 538 00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:25,600 Speaker 1: work here. 539 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:29,360 Speaker 3: I don't know what to do. 540 00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:30,520 Speaker 2: He won't even seek to me. 541 00:32:30,640 --> 00:32:30,920 Speaker 3: Now. 542 00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:34,400 Speaker 1: Is he still in the house, No, ma'am. How long 543 00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:35,640 Speaker 1: has he been out of the house. 544 00:32:36,160 --> 00:32:39,080 Speaker 3: It's been about a week. But he I don't know 545 00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:41,000 Speaker 3: if he would be at the house if he was 546 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:44,520 Speaker 3: not on the road. He does have his key, which 547 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:46,480 Speaker 3: I originally was just like, give me the key, but 548 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:48,920 Speaker 3: I packed him a back he works on the road. 549 00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:51,520 Speaker 3: I packed him a bag for the road, and I 550 00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:53,120 Speaker 3: took it to him. I put his key in there, 551 00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:55,480 Speaker 3: and I said, you know, whenever you're ready to come home, 552 00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:57,840 Speaker 3: like you have a space to come to. But he's 553 00:32:57,880 --> 00:33:00,920 Speaker 3: been on the road for some time, for about four 554 00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:01,720 Speaker 3: or five days. 555 00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:05,120 Speaker 1: So yeah, so let me ask you a question. Do 556 00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:06,520 Speaker 1: you speak to him every day? 557 00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:07,920 Speaker 2: The kid speaks to him. 558 00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:08,719 Speaker 1: Okay. 559 00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:10,960 Speaker 2: When I try to talk, he doesn't really want to talk. 560 00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:13,960 Speaker 1: Okay, So there's no talking. Let's stop the talking. Let's 561 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:20,400 Speaker 1: stop the talking. Okay, no talking a loud What do 562 00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:22,959 Speaker 1: you think he would say if you called him and 563 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:26,959 Speaker 1: said to him, when are you coming home? And is 564 00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:30,040 Speaker 1: that something you're willing to do? You don't have to 565 00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:32,320 Speaker 1: be willing. I'm not attached to it. I'm trying to 566 00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:36,080 Speaker 1: get you to the point of healing. Is that something 567 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:37,040 Speaker 1: you're willing to do. 568 00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:38,800 Speaker 3: I'm definitely willing to do it. 569 00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:41,320 Speaker 1: Do you want him to come home? 570 00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:42,800 Speaker 2: I do you do one? 571 00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:46,280 Speaker 1: Okay? So when are you willing to call him and 572 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:48,760 Speaker 1: say boo boo? I don't know what his name is. 573 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:52,080 Speaker 1: I want you to come home and I want us 574 00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:53,120 Speaker 1: to work on healing. 575 00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:56,880 Speaker 3: I'm willing to him and say that, yes, ma'am. 576 00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:00,840 Speaker 1: Yeah, because you want him to come home. And you 577 00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:03,680 Speaker 1: have to stop running for the hills when things get hard. 578 00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:05,680 Speaker 1: I want you to leave a house because I can't 579 00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:09,520 Speaker 1: live like this. You've been living like this and it 580 00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:13,720 Speaker 1: doesn't have to be like this. And you are the woman. 581 00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:19,879 Speaker 1: You are the heart and center of the family, so 582 00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:22,960 Speaker 1: you have to clean up your stuff in order to 583 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:25,880 Speaker 1: get that heart energy all through the family. Does that 584 00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:28,719 Speaker 1: make sense? And it's not that he doesn't have his 585 00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:31,520 Speaker 1: work to do. But I want you to understand who 586 00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:35,200 Speaker 1: you are as a woman. You hold the energy. You 587 00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:37,280 Speaker 1: put it in the grits, you put it in the eggs, 588 00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:38,880 Speaker 1: you put it in the paint, you put it in 589 00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:43,279 Speaker 1: the interior decoration. Your heart. You are the heart. And 590 00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:46,319 Speaker 1: if your heart ain't right, it's just gonna filter out 591 00:34:46,600 --> 00:34:49,360 Speaker 1: all over the place. And you're loving this man for 592 00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:51,640 Speaker 1: what he does and what he does for you. You 593 00:34:51,680 --> 00:34:54,960 Speaker 1: got to start loving him for who he is, his 594 00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:58,960 Speaker 1: favorite color, his favorite cologne, What is he like in 595 00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:02,440 Speaker 1: his bath? When was the last time you said to him, 596 00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:07,080 Speaker 1: I so appreciate your attention to detail. When was the 597 00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:08,040 Speaker 1: last time you said that? 598 00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:08,839 Speaker 3: I don't know. 599 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:10,840 Speaker 2: I haven't said that in a while. I don't know 600 00:35:10,880 --> 00:35:12,000 Speaker 2: if I've ever said that to him. 601 00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:14,560 Speaker 1: When was the last time you said to him, do 602 00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:18,800 Speaker 1: you know how much I love your dimples? When was 603 00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:20,120 Speaker 1: the last time you said that to him? 604 00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:21,359 Speaker 3: I doubt I've ever said that. 605 00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:25,120 Speaker 1: When was the last time you said, I so appreciate 606 00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:29,720 Speaker 1: that you are a great dad and how you are 607 00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:34,560 Speaker 1: always willing to make the adjustments to the things that 608 00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:36,480 Speaker 1: I ask of you. When was the last time you 609 00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:36,920 Speaker 1: said that. 610 00:35:38,760 --> 00:35:41,239 Speaker 3: I have said that the conversation where I was ending 611 00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:43,920 Speaker 3: our relationship, I said that in the beginning. That's how 612 00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:46,400 Speaker 3: I started it. I told him that I appreciate the 613 00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:49,520 Speaker 3: type of dad he is and how he pays attention 614 00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:50,759 Speaker 3: to the kids and stuff like that. 615 00:35:51,239 --> 00:35:54,640 Speaker 1: So what can we do to work on our communication 616 00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:57,399 Speaker 1: so that this will be a happy place for all 617 00:35:57,440 --> 00:36:04,120 Speaker 1: of us? And it's interesting, you see, men need acknowledgment. 618 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:07,560 Speaker 1: That means you have to acknowledge every little thing you do. 619 00:36:08,080 --> 00:36:11,760 Speaker 1: You are a stay at home mom, So that tells 620 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:13,960 Speaker 1: me he's paying the rent and bringing home the check. 621 00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:17,440 Speaker 1: Would that be accurate? Oh no, Oh, he don't pay the. 622 00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:20,680 Speaker 3: Bills and he pays his portion. I pay my portion, 623 00:36:21,360 --> 00:36:24,799 Speaker 3: and I pay like some of the smaller bills. He 624 00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:26,320 Speaker 3: pays some of the smaller bills. 625 00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:29,520 Speaker 1: Okay. So that's something that y'all can talk about that 626 00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:31,520 Speaker 1: you don't have to argue about. But we'll talk about 627 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:36,439 Speaker 1: that later. Okay. So men love acknowledgment of everything. They 628 00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:40,960 Speaker 1: need acknowledgment because one of the major complaints I hear 629 00:36:41,080 --> 00:36:44,040 Speaker 1: from men is no matter what I do, it ain't right. 630 00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:47,240 Speaker 1: No matter what I do, it's not enough. She always 631 00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:50,280 Speaker 1: talks about what I don't do, but never talks about 632 00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:54,120 Speaker 1: what I do. I can hear your guilts seeping through 633 00:36:54,120 --> 00:37:04,520 Speaker 1: the telephone, really literally, I feel it. It's all over me. 634 00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:08,200 Speaker 1: Men need acknowledgement. And that's not to say that they don't, 635 00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:12,680 Speaker 1: you know, fall short sometime. But we need to acknowledge them. 636 00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:17,400 Speaker 1: Why because our mouth is tied to their heart. A 637 00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:20,640 Speaker 1: woman's mouth is tied to a man's heart. And when 638 00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:23,880 Speaker 1: we don't acknowledge them, we curse them. When we complain, 639 00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:28,080 Speaker 1: we cur it's like evil. You're casting a spell over them. Okay, 640 00:37:28,760 --> 00:37:36,040 Speaker 1: men need acknowledgment. They need affirmation. I you know, I 641 00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:38,920 Speaker 1: know you go out there and it's hard driving, and 642 00:37:38,960 --> 00:37:42,200 Speaker 1: they need appreciation. But I really appreciate how you work 643 00:37:42,239 --> 00:37:45,680 Speaker 1: for this family. Look at you taking out that trash. 644 00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:48,600 Speaker 1: Thank you so much. Oh my gosh, you put the 645 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:52,680 Speaker 1: toilet seat down. I really appreciate that or whatever. And 646 00:37:52,719 --> 00:37:56,880 Speaker 1: it sounds crazy that we have to do that as women, 647 00:37:57,080 --> 00:38:00,480 Speaker 1: we have to do that, but it opens their heart. 648 00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:03,520 Speaker 1: That's why we do it. It's our medicine and they 649 00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:06,239 Speaker 1: may not do it to us because their medicine is 650 00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:09,919 Speaker 1: in the thinking. Our medicine is in the speaking. Can 651 00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:16,319 Speaker 1: you hear me, yes, ma'am, so, I really appreciate acknowledgement, affirmation. 652 00:38:16,719 --> 00:38:18,960 Speaker 1: You can do it, baby, I know you can do it. 653 00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:21,520 Speaker 1: Come on, let's put a plan together. We're gonna do 654 00:38:21,560 --> 00:38:24,120 Speaker 1: this thing. I'm gonna support you. You gotta do this. 655 00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:27,960 Speaker 1: He needs an acknowledgment of the things that he does. 656 00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:32,439 Speaker 1: He needs affirmation of who he is, and he needs 657 00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:37,160 Speaker 1: appreciation for what he gives. And this is something you 658 00:38:37,239 --> 00:38:40,400 Speaker 1: have to learn to do because you haven't been trained 659 00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:43,400 Speaker 1: to do it. And it's not taking anything from you. 660 00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:47,120 Speaker 1: It's going to create a healing in your relationship. What 661 00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:50,160 Speaker 1: is his vision for himself? What is his vision for 662 00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:52,799 Speaker 1: his life? Does he want to be driving truck for 663 00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:55,280 Speaker 1: the rest of his life? Does he have a vision? 664 00:38:55,480 --> 00:38:55,680 Speaker 2: Yeah? 665 00:38:55,719 --> 00:38:58,040 Speaker 1: What is your vision? These are the things that you 666 00:38:58,080 --> 00:39:00,440 Speaker 1: all have to talk about so that you know how 667 00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:02,560 Speaker 1: to support him and he knows how to support you. 668 00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:05,440 Speaker 1: But let me tell you something. In twenty twenty three, 669 00:39:05,840 --> 00:39:08,360 Speaker 1: I'm assuming I could be very wrong. Please forgive me 670 00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:10,880 Speaker 1: if I'm wrong. You sound like a black woman to me. 671 00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:15,720 Speaker 1: I could be wrong. Yes, ma'am, you are black woman, 672 00:39:15,880 --> 00:39:17,719 Speaker 1: stay at home mom with a man. 673 00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:22,760 Speaker 3: What in twenty three, how many. 674 00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:25,000 Speaker 1: Women, got two kids and got to get up every 675 00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:28,640 Speaker 1: morning and go to somebody's job, drop the kids off 676 00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:33,520 Speaker 1: at daycare, come home to cook, pay the bills. Where's 677 00:39:33,520 --> 00:39:40,200 Speaker 1: your where's your gratitude? Appreciate him, acknowledge a firm because 678 00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:43,040 Speaker 1: you can get that from your girlfriends. Your girlfriends are 679 00:39:43,080 --> 00:39:46,160 Speaker 1: the girl. You're doing good a girl. I'm happy that 680 00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:48,480 Speaker 1: your girlfriends will do that for you. Who does that 681 00:39:48,560 --> 00:39:48,919 Speaker 1: for him? 682 00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:53,320 Speaker 3: Right? And that's what So yeah, that's what he always says, 683 00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:56,120 Speaker 3: Like we have a really big platform on Instagram, a 684 00:39:56,160 --> 00:39:58,440 Speaker 3: family platform, and he says, those people they always talk 685 00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:01,160 Speaker 3: positive about you, but no one's says anything about him. 686 00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:04,279 Speaker 3: No one acknowledges him. Even when we take our kids 687 00:40:04,320 --> 00:40:06,960 Speaker 3: to the doctor together and you rarely see black men 688 00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,680 Speaker 3: at the doctor with their kids with their spouse. The 689 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:12,279 Speaker 3: doctors are like, oh, mom, you're doing such a great job. 690 00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:14,279 Speaker 3: And I'm like, well, he's right here too, or I 691 00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:16,200 Speaker 3: always say, well, I couldn't be doing it without him, 692 00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:18,719 Speaker 3: and I apologize to him. I'm sorry that they didn't 693 00:40:18,760 --> 00:40:21,680 Speaker 3: acknowledge you, you know, and so I know that the 694 00:40:21,719 --> 00:40:23,160 Speaker 3: world doesn't really see him. 695 00:40:23,200 --> 00:40:27,480 Speaker 1: They're just like, okay, well then next time. That's very good. 696 00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:30,680 Speaker 1: I'm glad that you noticed that. And the next time 697 00:40:31,120 --> 00:40:34,319 Speaker 1: you can say to the doctor, how do you acknowledge 698 00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:38,000 Speaker 1: the dads? Don't even make it personal about him, say 699 00:40:38,080 --> 00:40:41,440 Speaker 1: I appreciate you acknowledge me, but how do you acknowledge 700 00:40:41,440 --> 00:40:44,040 Speaker 1: the dad to show up with their children? Just find 701 00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:48,120 Speaker 1: out that girl that's gonna make him pee hisself with happiness. 702 00:40:50,719 --> 00:40:53,320 Speaker 1: And then whatever he says, you turn to him and say, 703 00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:57,080 Speaker 1: he's acknowledging you for blah blah blah blah. That's showing 704 00:40:57,160 --> 00:41:00,120 Speaker 1: him that you support him. That's showing him that you 705 00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:02,399 Speaker 1: acknowledge him. Does that make sense to you. 706 00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:05,960 Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am, you can do this. I'm getting it right now. 707 00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:08,000 Speaker 3: I don't want to lose him as a person. 708 00:41:08,080 --> 00:41:14,960 Speaker 1: I don't uhha aha, Yes, yes, And you don't want 709 00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:18,160 Speaker 1: to bust up your family. And if you know, if 710 00:41:18,160 --> 00:41:22,359 Speaker 1: it gets too hard, you know, get some outside help. 711 00:41:22,520 --> 00:41:25,239 Speaker 1: Because as you clean up your heart, I'm telling you, 712 00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:29,399 Speaker 1: it's gonna shift the whole atmosphere. You are shifting the atmosphere. 713 00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:33,960 Speaker 1: Acknowledge him, appreciate him, affirm him as you take care 714 00:41:34,040 --> 00:41:37,680 Speaker 1: of yourself. Let him know that you want this to 715 00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:41,800 Speaker 1: work because you value who he is. Not what he does. 716 00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:46,040 Speaker 1: Who is he? If he likes butter pekan ice cream, 717 00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:48,239 Speaker 1: he should need to never not walk up in that 718 00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:50,479 Speaker 1: house and that butter pk and ice cream is not there. 719 00:41:50,880 --> 00:41:51,560 Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am. 720 00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:54,879 Speaker 1: If he drinks a particular thing, you greet him at 721 00:41:54,880 --> 00:41:57,160 Speaker 1: the door with it. When he hits the door, you 722 00:41:57,239 --> 00:41:59,680 Speaker 1: let him know I really want to hug you and 723 00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:02,239 Speaker 1: hold you because I missed you. Can we do that? 724 00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:05,880 Speaker 1: Ask his permission because he doesn't trust you. And then 725 00:42:05,920 --> 00:42:09,160 Speaker 1: if he says no, don't get your feelings hurt, because 726 00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:13,120 Speaker 1: remember you're healing, and sometimes healing takes a minute. You're 727 00:42:13,120 --> 00:42:16,000 Speaker 1: in recovery. You're in the recovery room. You don't be 728 00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:18,680 Speaker 1: in the recovery room dancing and singing. You're in the 729 00:42:18,719 --> 00:42:22,080 Speaker 1: recovery room laying flat on your back and pay and drugged. 730 00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:27,440 Speaker 1: You're in a recovery room. Okay, tell me something you 731 00:42:27,520 --> 00:42:29,880 Speaker 1: know now that you didn't know when you called here today. 732 00:42:30,560 --> 00:42:37,080 Speaker 3: Everything I've been writing notes. You said to monitor my mouse, 733 00:42:37,520 --> 00:42:42,160 Speaker 3: and you said to when I asked him, does he 734 00:42:42,239 --> 00:42:43,759 Speaker 3: want to come home? Or when I let him know 735 00:42:43,800 --> 00:42:45,200 Speaker 3: that he can come home, or that I want him 736 00:42:45,239 --> 00:42:48,560 Speaker 3: to come home. So let him know that I understand 737 00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:51,480 Speaker 3: if it's not something he's comfortable doing. And I know 738 00:42:52,120 --> 00:42:55,279 Speaker 3: before I say anything, to think, is it's something that 739 00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:57,480 Speaker 3: needs to be said. Do I need to say it 740 00:42:57,560 --> 00:42:59,560 Speaker 3: right now? And can I say it in a way 741 00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:00,560 Speaker 3: that I want heal it? 742 00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:07,359 Speaker 1: Mm hmm yeah, and appreciation, acknowledgment of affirmation and appreciation. 743 00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:11,920 Speaker 1: That's his medicine. And remember, no matter what comes out 744 00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:14,840 Speaker 1: of your mouth, it's going straight to his heart. So 745 00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:18,120 Speaker 1: in those moments of weakness, when you say something that 746 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:21,200 Speaker 1: you know has cut a hole in his heart, apologize 747 00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:23,600 Speaker 1: right then, don't let it go on, don't fight to 748 00:43:23,600 --> 00:43:25,839 Speaker 1: be right. You know what, I shouldn't have said that. 749 00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:30,239 Speaker 1: Forgive me. Not I'm sorry, but forgive me. Forgive me. 750 00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:33,759 Speaker 1: That was that was unloving. Forgive me, and then go 751 00:43:33,840 --> 00:43:39,480 Speaker 1: somewhere and sit yourself down. It's a soap and washing mouth. 752 00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:42,160 Speaker 2: It. 753 00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:47,560 Speaker 1: Now here's a little secret weapon. Don't tell anybody that 754 00:43:47,680 --> 00:43:50,480 Speaker 1: I told you this. Okay, this is just between you 755 00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:57,480 Speaker 1: and me. Okay, call his mom and acknowledge to her. 756 00:43:57,920 --> 00:44:00,880 Speaker 1: I think I've made some mistakes with your son, and 757 00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:04,600 Speaker 1: I want to apologize to you. Why are you apologizing 758 00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:08,719 Speaker 1: to her? Because the king is the king? Because of 759 00:44:08,760 --> 00:44:13,439 Speaker 1: his mother. There's something she instilled in him that would 760 00:44:13,520 --> 00:44:17,200 Speaker 1: make him amenable, available to take on a woman and 761 00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:20,919 Speaker 1: four children that didn't come from his daddy, that came 762 00:44:20,920 --> 00:44:25,080 Speaker 1: from his mother. Acknowledge to her, I've made some mistakes 763 00:44:25,080 --> 00:44:29,400 Speaker 1: with your son. I've spoken without thinking, I don't breathe 764 00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:32,680 Speaker 1: I've said things that have cut his heart, and because 765 00:44:32,719 --> 00:44:36,640 Speaker 1: of my unfinished business, rather than trying to heal with him, 766 00:44:36,920 --> 00:44:40,240 Speaker 1: I tried to run, which is abandonment, whatever. 767 00:44:40,360 --> 00:44:40,720 Speaker 2: Whatever. 768 00:44:40,920 --> 00:44:44,320 Speaker 1: Talk to her as a mama, Okay, but if you 769 00:44:44,480 --> 00:44:47,680 Speaker 1: let her know that you've made some mistakes with her son, 770 00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:51,200 Speaker 1: she will be your ally because it sounds like he 771 00:44:51,239 --> 00:44:53,000 Speaker 1: has a decent relationship with her. 772 00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:54,520 Speaker 2: He does, yes, ma'am. 773 00:44:54,920 --> 00:44:58,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, Okay, don't tell anybody I told you that. 774 00:44:58,239 --> 00:44:59,520 Speaker 3: Okay, yes, ma'am. 775 00:45:00,239 --> 00:45:05,560 Speaker 1: Just between you and me. Sh do your work. Baby, 776 00:45:05,600 --> 00:45:08,440 Speaker 1: It's gonna be just fine. Do your work, yes, ma'am. 777 00:45:08,480 --> 00:45:09,359 Speaker 2: Thank you so much. 778 00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:12,600 Speaker 1: Okay, thank you, and good luck for you and them 779 00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:17,040 Speaker 1: six babies. Remember you are raising somebody's father and somebody's husband. 780 00:45:17,040 --> 00:45:18,240 Speaker 1: How many girls you got? 781 00:45:18,480 --> 00:45:18,760 Speaker 3: Four? 782 00:45:19,040 --> 00:45:21,920 Speaker 1: Four girls and two boys? Okay, So you want to 783 00:45:21,960 --> 00:45:26,680 Speaker 1: be a good demonstration and a good example, alrighty, thank 784 00:45:26,760 --> 00:45:29,120 Speaker 1: you so much. Let me know how you make out. 785 00:45:29,280 --> 00:45:31,440 Speaker 1: Send me an email, a text or something, and let 786 00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:32,440 Speaker 1: me know how you make out. 787 00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:34,520 Speaker 3: Okay, yes, ma'am, thank you so much. 788 00:45:34,680 --> 00:45:41,640 Speaker 1: Alrighty bye bye. It's easy to focus on what's wrong 789 00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:45,000 Speaker 1: in a relationship and what breaks down in a relationship, 790 00:45:45,080 --> 00:45:47,640 Speaker 1: and what we're not getting from a relationship, and so 791 00:45:47,800 --> 00:45:51,000 Speaker 1: very often when we focus on that, what we see 792 00:45:51,320 --> 00:45:54,640 Speaker 1: is our exit strategy, our exit plan, and it's usually 793 00:45:54,760 --> 00:45:57,839 Speaker 1: just to run away without fixing anything. But I'm here 794 00:45:57,920 --> 00:46:01,760 Speaker 1: to tell you that the very things that are broken 795 00:46:02,600 --> 00:46:05,920 Speaker 1: in a relationship, as long as there's no violence, the 796 00:46:06,040 --> 00:46:09,480 Speaker 1: very things that are broken are the exact things that 797 00:46:09,520 --> 00:46:14,000 Speaker 1: we need to look at to facilitate our healing. And 798 00:46:14,040 --> 00:46:16,960 Speaker 1: if we take a moment to just look at those 799 00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:21,160 Speaker 1: things and pick them apart and examine them, we will 800 00:46:21,200 --> 00:46:24,080 Speaker 1: find what it is that we need to heal. I 801 00:46:24,080 --> 00:46:26,400 Speaker 1: hope this has been helpful to someone, and if you 802 00:46:26,480 --> 00:46:31,000 Speaker 1: have a question about this or any other relationship issue, 803 00:46:31,239 --> 00:46:34,520 Speaker 1: you can call me live at seven seven five three 804 00:46:34,640 --> 00:46:37,840 Speaker 1: zero seven seven seven six eight. Now be sure to 805 00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:41,360 Speaker 1: follow me on social media for all of the calling times, 806 00:46:41,719 --> 00:46:51,120 Speaker 1: and until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The 807 00:46:51,280 --> 00:46:55,200 Speaker 1: r Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership 808 00:46:55,239 --> 00:47:00,480 Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the 809 00:47:00,520 --> 00:47:05,120 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your 810 00:47:05,160 --> 00:47:06,000 Speaker 1: favorite shows.