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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, a weekly

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Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small

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Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions

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Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or

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Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website

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Speaker 1: at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope

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Speaker 1: you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it

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Speaker 1: is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship

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Speaker 1: with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so

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Speaker 1: much for joining me for session two eight three of

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Speaker 1: the Therapy for of Black Girl's podcast. We'll get right

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Speaker 1: into our conversation after work from our sponsors. Today's guest

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Speaker 1: isn't just on a personal healing journey, but he's using

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Speaker 1: her gifts, talents, and latest book to help others discover

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Speaker 1: essential techniques for healing, cultivating a natu strength, and finding

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Speaker 1: tools to process difficult emotions. This week, I'm joined by

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Speaker 1: Alex il writer, wellness educator, and certified breathwork coach whose

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Speaker 1: work centers on writing and self care. She's the author

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Speaker 1: of several books and journals, including After the Reign, Gentle

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Speaker 1: Reminders for healing, courage and self love, and her brand

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Speaker 1: new release How We Heal, Uncover Your Power and Set

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Speaker 1: Yourself Free. Alex and I discussed writing as a healing

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Speaker 1: tool and the inspiration behind her latest book, The Power

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Speaker 1: of Sisterhood, and how to cultivate a community that feels

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Speaker 1: now judgmental, how to lean into your truth, and building

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Speaker 1: an emotional two kit. If something resonates with you while

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Speaker 1: enjoying our conversation, please share with us on social media

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Speaker 1: using the hashtag TBG in session, or join us over

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Speaker 1: and the Sister Circle to talk more in depth about

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Speaker 1: the episode. You can join us at community dot therapy

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Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com. Here's our conversation. Thank you

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Speaker 1: so much for joining us today, Alex, Thank you for

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Speaker 1: having me. I'm a big fan. Thank you excited to

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Speaker 1: chat with you. Do you do so many things? You

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Speaker 1: are a writer, poet, wellness educator, and a certified breath

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Speaker 1: work coach. Can you tell me a little bit about

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Speaker 1: what attracted you to writing and poetry as a medium.

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Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, So I've been writing since I don't

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Speaker 1: know about age ten. I was an only child, so

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Speaker 1: a lot of my creativity came out through writing short

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Speaker 1: stories and poetry. But it wasn't until I turned eighteen

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Speaker 1: or nineteen and I was connected with this amaz using

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Speaker 1: therapist who encouraged me to write to heal myself and

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Speaker 1: so in my emotional toolbox. She gave me a journal

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Speaker 1: and said, keep this in your emotional toolbox and use

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Speaker 1: this too. Be kind to yourself because all of my

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Speaker 1: writing and storytelling was really rooted in sadness. And so

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Speaker 1: it wasn't until I started writing to heal that I

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Speaker 1: actually started to feel inspired by writing and also affirmed

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Speaker 1: by writing. M M, I love that. We love a

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Speaker 1: good therapy origin story. So because you tell me more

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Speaker 1: about what she shared about like how she felt like

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Speaker 1: the writing would help to heal. So she told me

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Speaker 1: that I needed to be my own greatest teacher. And

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Speaker 1: that's for so long I had been looking outside of myself,

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Speaker 1: which is the truth. I was eighteen ninety young and

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Speaker 1: really wanting validation from those around me, especially my parents,

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Speaker 1: and so she was encouraging me to be the validation

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Speaker 1: that I did not get to that I was not

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Speaker 1: getting and also positive self talk, be kind to yourself.

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Speaker 1: Start there and that was really foreign to me back then,

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Speaker 1: but now it is what I do for a living,

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Speaker 1: and it's just like, if she wouldn't have given me

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Speaker 1: that tool, I don't think I would be here today.

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Speaker 1: M mmmmm. I love that. So we are definitely going

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Speaker 1: to dive deep into your newest book, How We Heal.

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Speaker 1: But you have so many other books and lots of

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Speaker 1: great work that you have produced. Can you talk a

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Speaker 1: little bit about how all of the other work that

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Speaker 1: you've done has gotten you to this stage where you

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Speaker 1: have now put out How We Heal? That's a really

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Speaker 1: good question. I would have to say that my last book,

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Speaker 1: actually After the Rain, is really what shifted me to

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Speaker 1: this phase in my career and in my life. After

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Speaker 1: the Rain was a part memoir. My agent calls it

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Speaker 1: a encapsulated memoir where I talk about my origin story

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Speaker 1: like with my mother, how I learned self love, how

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Speaker 1: I learned self hatred, and how I'm choosing to grow

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Speaker 1: through some of the pains that I've gone through. The

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Speaker 1: other books were notes to self and essay and poetry,

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Speaker 1: but it really wasn't until I started talking about my

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Speaker 1: own like how I Got here story that I was

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Speaker 1: really able to use my growth to put me in

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Speaker 1: the place to write how we heal because I'm a

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Speaker 1: big believer that healing is a communal act, that healing

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Speaker 1: is community care. It's an active community service. And when

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Speaker 1: we allow ourselves to heal and grow even after the

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Speaker 1: rain and after our storms, we can pass that on

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Speaker 1: by leading by example to other folks. You know, your

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Speaker 1: work I think is so brave in a lot of ways,

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Speaker 1: as because you are sharing so much of your personal

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Speaker 1: story on such a huge platform. And we've talked to

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Speaker 1: other black women who were creatives and authors and do

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Speaker 1: other kinds of work. And while it can be incredibly

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Speaker 1: powerful right because it allows other people to see themselves

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Speaker 1: as to really accept and honor their own story reads,

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Speaker 1: it often comes with a lot of needing to protect yourself,

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Speaker 1: Like you're very vulnerable. By sharing some of the things

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Speaker 1: that you shared, can you see a little bit about

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Speaker 1: like what that process has been like and how you

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Speaker 1: have taken care of yourself in the midst of that process.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, well that process looks like boundaries. Everything

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Speaker 1: isn't for everyone. And I think when you are vulnerable,

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Speaker 1: people think, oh my gosh, they're sharing everything. Like I

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Speaker 1: know everything, and it's really like maybe a percent of

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Speaker 1: my life that I share with folks. It's interesting that

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Speaker 1: you brought this up because I had a friend tell

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Speaker 1: me early on before I started sharing and writing books.

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Speaker 1: This was ten years ago, eleven years ago now, and

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Speaker 1: she said, you need to stop hoarding your happiness. You

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Speaker 1: never know who needs you. And I was in a

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Speaker 1: really different place then, and I was just insecure and scared, like,

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Speaker 1: who's going to read a book from me? Who is

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Speaker 1: going to care about this? She goes, you don't know

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Speaker 1: who needs you. And that was really my push to

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Speaker 1: step out on bravery and courage and vulnerability, especially as

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Speaker 1: a black woman. I mean, I was a teen mom.

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Speaker 1: I had my first daughter, I was eighteen. I'm now married,

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Speaker 1: i have two more daughters, and I've gone through my

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Speaker 1: fair share of really deep pain and trauma. And to

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Speaker 1: be on the other side of that and standing in

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Speaker 1: a life that is fulfilling and rooted in ease and

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Speaker 1: healing and joy. I think other Black women need and

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Speaker 1: deserve to see that, especially those of us who may

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Speaker 1: have been teen mothers, who may have come from abusive homes,

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Speaker 1: like to see that there is possibility and that there

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Speaker 1: is healing, even if you're the first one in your

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Speaker 1: lineage to be doing the healing. I think that is sacred.

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Speaker 1: I don't take that for granted. I think that is

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Speaker 1: God's work and universe is work to be able to

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Speaker 1: use me in that way so that people can say, Wow,

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Speaker 1: she did that, and I can do that, and that's

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Speaker 1: really important to me. So tell me how How We

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Speaker 1: Heal is different from the rest of your work, Like

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Speaker 1: what does the book cover? So the book is really

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Speaker 1: my journey through writing to heal, and it's really a guide.

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Speaker 1: It's a guide to finding your voice on the page,

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Speaker 1: which is really special to me, especially as a facilitator.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I've taught thousands of people writing to heal

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Speaker 1: and how to really tap into their voice, not even

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Speaker 1: to write books or anything like that, but just to

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Speaker 1: get clear on their own wants and needs and healing.

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Speaker 1: How We Heal is essentially that. And also there's different

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Speaker 1: women in the book who I interviewed to break up

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Speaker 1: the journaling prompts, to break up my stories and my

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Speaker 1: teachings so that folks can see that healing is so

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Speaker 1: diverse and it looks very different for everyone. It may

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Speaker 1: not be writing to heal for you. It could be gardening.

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Speaker 1: Like my friend Nedri Glover to Bob Is in the book.

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Speaker 1: She's a therapist and she talked about how being with

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Speaker 1: her garden is healing. There are so many other amazing

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Speaker 1: women in this book, like Morgan Harper Nichols and an

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Speaker 1: olympian who is really wonderful. Her name is Megan Rapino.

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Speaker 1: And we're all different and we're all sharing like what

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Speaker 1: healing looks like for us and what taking care of

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Speaker 1: ourselves looks like for us. So I was really important

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Speaker 1: for me to give folks other views on what healing is.

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Speaker 1: People know how I heal, but how we heal as

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Speaker 1: a collective is so vast, and I think that's extremely

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Speaker 1: beautiful to be able to say, Hey, you may not

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Speaker 1: resonate with this section of the book, but you may

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Speaker 1: resonate with Nedra story, or you may resonate with Tabitha

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Speaker 1: Brown story, like take what you need and leave what

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Speaker 1: you don't. And also, I wanted how we heal to

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Speaker 1: be accessible. I've read a lot of books on healing

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Speaker 1: and self help and I'm like a lot of times,

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Speaker 1: like what are they saying? I don't understand. I know

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Speaker 1: we're talking about intergenerational trauma, but like, how do I

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Speaker 1: start peeling back the layers? So I wanted how we

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Speaker 1: heal to be a stepping stone of sorts for folks

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Speaker 1: to have an accessible tool in language they can understand

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Speaker 1: on how they can begin their journey. I think that

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Speaker 1: that was very clear in the appreciation sharing that you

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Speaker 1: mentioned your work as a facilitator of workshelves around writing.

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Speaker 1: I wonder if you can tell you a little bit

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Speaker 1: about some of the common themes that you see with

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Speaker 1: the women that you work with, Like what are some

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Speaker 1: of the struggles they have about like finding their voice

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Speaker 1: on the page, wanting to be seen, feel safe, and

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Speaker 1: be supported. I call that my triple less, seeing safe, supported,

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Speaker 1: And I asked folks often, what do you want to feel?

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Speaker 1: What do you need? Who are you outside of your

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Speaker 1: roles to other people? And it's hard for people to

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Speaker 1: identify that, especially women, especially Black women, because we are

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Speaker 1: so used to putting everybody else before ourselves and doing

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Speaker 1: it with a smile on our face. I mean, I

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Speaker 1: saw my grandmother do it. I saw my mother do it,

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Speaker 1: and that's the theme, Like, wow, I don't even know

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Speaker 1: how to center myself because I am so used to

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Speaker 1: being everything to everyone and nothing to myself. I think

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Speaker 1: something else that's really beautiful that I've experience enced over

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Speaker 1: the past six years of being a facilitator is that

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Speaker 1: I have had folks age sixteen all the way up

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Speaker 1: to age eighty four. The last group that I taught,

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Speaker 1: it was a grandmother, her granddaughters, and her daughter all

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Speaker 1: came to a retreat that I was teaching. Grandma was

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Speaker 1: eighty four years old, and the message was still I

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Speaker 1: want to feel seen, safe and supported, And that was

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Speaker 1: really beautiful, Like cross generations, cross cultural lines, we want

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Speaker 1: to feel held and so that's what I hear a

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Speaker 1: lot of. Now you still doing those works now, oh yeah, nice? Nice,

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Speaker 1: And I wonder if there were some themes that you

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Speaker 1: saw in the stories from the women that you shared

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Speaker 1: in the book, like, were there are some themes that

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Speaker 1: came up for you? Then? The themes were that this

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Speaker 1: is hard work, this is intentional work, and it has

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Speaker 1: to be a daily practice. That is the theme that

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Speaker 1: self care and healing has to be something that we

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Speaker 1: intentionally make space. Four more from my conversation with Alex

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Speaker 1: after the break, So I was particularly excited to see

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Speaker 1: you talk about sisterhood in the book, as I'm also

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Speaker 1: writing about sisterhood. So you talked about non judgmental safety

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Speaker 1: net of sisterhood. Can you say a little bit about

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Speaker 1: how sisterhood and community has been healing for you. Oh

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Speaker 1: my gosh, it just makes me feel held. It makes

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Speaker 1: me feel held, and I cherish it so much because

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Speaker 1: growing up I was the only child. I didn't feel seen,

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Speaker 1: I didn't feel held, And it wasn't until I went

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Speaker 1: through this big transformation around age where I literally lost everybody,

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Speaker 1: meaning I had to step away from who I used

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Speaker 1: to know and who I used to be to step

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Speaker 1: into who I wanted to be. And that is really

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Speaker 1: where I found my core group of sister friends. And

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Speaker 1: without judgment, without shame, without guilt, they hold me and

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Speaker 1: I hold them, and I had never experienced that before.

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Speaker 1: So having that chosen family and it be a safe

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Speaker 1: space I'm so grateful for. And I feel like everybody

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Speaker 1: needs sister friends, like it is just so so sacred,

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Speaker 1: and to have also a neutral party, like even if

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Speaker 1: we love each other, it's like, Okay, I'm not in

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Speaker 1: your relationship, you know what I mean, I'm not in

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Speaker 1: your workplace, Like how can I support you and be

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Speaker 1: there for you in a way that makes you feel

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Speaker 1: like you're not being judged. So, yeah, how have you

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Speaker 1: been able to do that in your sisters? Because I

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Speaker 1: think that those are difficult conversations, right, especially when you

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Speaker 1: know somebody so intimately, Like, how do you cultivate a

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Speaker 1: space that feels non judgmental? I asked permission, and they

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Speaker 1: asked me permission, And we have boundaries. So before I

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Speaker 1: give my two cents or my advice, or before I

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Speaker 1: give any type of response, I'll say, can I share

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Speaker 1: something that I just noticed you say? Or Hey I

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Speaker 1: I I need the space to say something, especially if

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Speaker 1: like there may be a disagreement or there may be

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Speaker 1: some odd energy in there, like hey, I feel I

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Speaker 1: feel something. Can we talk about it? And how I

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Speaker 1: knew my sister friends were my sisters was that it

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Speaker 1: was never met with dismissiveness, always met with yes. And

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Speaker 1: that's because we feel safe with each other. Like, creating

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Speaker 1: that emotional safety is so major, and I feel like

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Speaker 1: all of us at one point felt like we didn't

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Speaker 1: have that. So to have that with each other and

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Speaker 1: to be choosing that intentionally has been it's just a

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Speaker 1: game changer. It's a game changer. M hmm, I agree.

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Speaker 1: I agree. So tell me what are you most excited

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Speaker 1: for people to read in the book. I'm actually a

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Speaker 1: most excited for people to walk away feeling like they

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Speaker 1: can trust themselves and like they have their answers, just

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Speaker 1: like how my theory this missby all those years ago

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Speaker 1: told me that I had my answers. I am excited

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Speaker 1: for people to read my stories and feel like they're

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Speaker 1: sitting down and talking with a friend. I am excited

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Speaker 1: for people to learn different tools by way of writing

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Speaker 1: and meditation and breathwork and everything else in between and

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Speaker 1: see what sticks and what helps them deepen their own practices.

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Speaker 1: Like that's really what's exciting for me. Like, I am

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Speaker 1: a writer, but I'm a teacher first, and so getting

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Speaker 1: people to lean into their truth is so so so

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Speaker 1: important to me, and that's what I'm really most excited about.

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Speaker 1: What work do you think needs to happen before people

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Speaker 1: are ready to lean into the truth, Because I think

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Speaker 1: a lot of people say that and then they see

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Speaker 1: a little a little episode that you're being like, oh wait,

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Speaker 1: let me back up, I'm not actually ready for this.

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Speaker 1: So what what needs to happen before people are actually

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Speaker 1: ready to face their truth. Oh my goodness. Something that

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Speaker 1: I say often is baby steps are still steps, and

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Speaker 1: so taking the baby steps to see yourself, to look

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Speaker 1: at your trauma, but also to center your joy is

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Speaker 1: really important for me. And then I want people to

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Speaker 1: take that away from how we heal as well, Like

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Speaker 1: you don't always have to be in deep healing work.

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Speaker 1: I often tell my clients and my students, you can

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Speaker 1: be in the middle of your healing and that can

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Speaker 1: look and feel neutral. You don't always have to be,

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Speaker 1: you know, down and out or feeling like, oh I

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Speaker 1: made it over that thing. Sometimes you're just in the middle.

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Speaker 1: And giving yourself permission to put your healing down, I

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Speaker 1: think is really step one in honoring your truth. Because

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Speaker 1: maybe your truth is I cannot deal with this today.

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Speaker 1: You can come back to what your healing is always

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Speaker 1: going to be there for you. I really do believe

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Speaker 1: healing is a forever love and will be healing until

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Speaker 1: we transition off of this earth. And I think that's

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Speaker 1: actually a really beautiful thing. And I also want people

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Speaker 1: to know that, especially Black women, that we are allowed

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Speaker 1: to center ourselves. We are allowed to center our joy

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Speaker 1: and healing isn't just about our trauma. It's also about

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Speaker 1: preparing for the happiness, being in the happy moment even

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Speaker 1: if we're in our hurting, and just trusting that we

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Speaker 1: are enough even when the world tells us we are not.

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Speaker 1: So you mentioned the hoarding happiness that came from one

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Speaker 1: of your friends earlier, and you just mentioned it again.

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Speaker 1: So it feels like something that maybe a lot of

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Speaker 1: women struggle with, right like this is always preparing for

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Speaker 1: the shooter drop or the other shooter drop. Talk a

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Speaker 1: little bit about what kinds of things people can do

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Speaker 1: if they find themselves struggling with really kind of hoarding

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Speaker 1: their happiness or wanting to really allow happiness in their lives.

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Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, I'd like people to to really think

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Speaker 1: about how that makes you feel. Do you feel whole

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Speaker 1: holding onto things? Do you feel easeful? Ease is one

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Speaker 1: of my words of the year, easeful and clarity. Do

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Speaker 1: you feel clear minded and easeful with thinking that, Okay,

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Speaker 1: this is really not meant for me, or this is

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Speaker 1: going to pass, or this is not mine or I'm

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Speaker 1: not worthy of it? And oftentimes people say, no, I

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Speaker 1: don't feel good. I want to share my happiness. I

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Speaker 1: want to be enjoyed with other people. I want to

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Speaker 1: feel like this is meant for me and I can

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Speaker 1: bask in it. And so if you're saying, you know, no,

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Speaker 1: that doesn't feel good, I would just encourage you to

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Speaker 1: try to look at the little things that do feel good.

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Speaker 1: What does spark happiness for you? And how can you

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Speaker 1: share it not only with yourself but with others, And

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Speaker 1: how can you let yourself be in that? And I

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Speaker 1: think reminding myself personally like I am safe now, I

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Speaker 1: am not in survival mode. I am allowed to hold

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Speaker 1: this happiness. So yeah, that's what I would say. Hmm.

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Speaker 1: So one of the other people that you included in

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Speaker 1: the book is Dr tam And Bryant, a local league

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Speaker 1: and psych colleges. She changed her healing after a such

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Speaker 1: a little soul. Why did you feel like it was

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Speaker 1: important to want include her story but also to include

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Speaker 1: the voices of mental health professionals in the book. Dr

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Speaker 1: Taima is one of my absolute favorite humans on this planet.

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Speaker 1: Her ease, her joy, and her reclamation of healing, it

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Speaker 1: just is otherworldly. And I thought it was really important

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Speaker 1: to include that story because she's not the only one

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Speaker 1: with that story, and that is how we really create

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Speaker 1: healing is sharing the thing that makes us feel most

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Speaker 1: alone and realizing that we are not alone in our struggles.

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Speaker 1: And to hear a psychologist, a proclaimed healer in this

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Speaker 1: generation talk about her trauma and how to come home

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Speaker 1: to yourself after something that big and painful, that's moving,

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Speaker 1: that's brave, that's vulnerability, and that is a door opener

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Speaker 1: for other people, which is why I had her and

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Speaker 1: everyone else contribute to this book. Agreed, Agreed, I definitely

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Speaker 1: think that you know, again, like we talked about before,

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Speaker 1: when we share our stories, it really does provide this

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Speaker 1: place for other people to share there, So A completely

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Speaker 1: agree with you there. Another feature of the book is

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Speaker 1: that there are lots of journal prompts and you know,

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Speaker 1: spaces for people to kind of reflect on their own experiences.

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Speaker 1: Can you say a little bit about how you came

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Speaker 1: up with the prompts and is there one that really

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Speaker 1: sticks out to you that you would want to share

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Speaker 1: with our community to day. Yeah. So a lot of

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Speaker 1: the prompts and how we heal come from the coursework

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Speaker 1: that I've taught over the pandemic. I taught about fifteen

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Speaker 1: thousand folks, and each course was different every quarter, and

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Speaker 1: so I pulled some things that really resonated with my

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Speaker 1: community there. And also as a writing to heal facilitator,

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Speaker 1: I'm always thinking about, Okay, how can we make this

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Speaker 1: a journal prompt to reflect on? And these are not

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Speaker 1: super deep questions, y'all. They are very much get back

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Speaker 1: to basic questions, which is really what I want people

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Speaker 1: to understand, is like, that's how we start our process

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Speaker 1: by getting back to basics. So in every book that

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Speaker 1: I've ever written are prompts in there because I really

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Speaker 1: want folks to tap into their voice and their truth.

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Speaker 1: The journaling prompt that's titled what are You Scared Of?

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Speaker 1: Is one of my favorite things because nobody likes to

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Speaker 1: talk about their fears, myself included. It's scary, But something

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Speaker 1: that I've realized in my journey is that befriending my

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Speaker 1: fear has really helped me be in healthy partnership with

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Speaker 1: it instead of trying to just hush it or turn

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Speaker 1: away from it. So it says, what are you scared of? Now?

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Speaker 1: It's time to unpack what you're scared of so that

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Speaker 1: you can begin to befriend your fear in your journal

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Speaker 1: answer the following questions, what fear has been coming up

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Speaker 1: for you the most of these days? What is your

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Speaker 1: first memory of this fear? How is it getting in

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Speaker 1: the way of your healing? What would it feel like

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Speaker 1: to befriend this fear and make it a part of

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Speaker 1: your healing. So it's just giving people some reframe, questions

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Speaker 1: to think about, to look at. Maybe they'll be supportive,

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Speaker 1: maybe they won't, But it's about the exploration and that's

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Speaker 1: what I think fear and healing need is to be

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Speaker 1: explored and greeted with a curious mind. Yeah, that feels

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Speaker 1: like an exercise you can come back to time and

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Speaker 1: time again, right, because of course fear change throughout our lives,

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Speaker 1: so those want to revisit for surely. Yeah. So what

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Speaker 1: was your inspiration in writing this book or there other

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Speaker 1: authors or other books that you really look to kind of,

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Speaker 1: you know, pave the way for this one. No, it's

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Speaker 1: really hard for me to read other people's work when

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Speaker 1: I'm writing. I'm an avid reader, I'm an avid book collector,

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Speaker 1: so I try to think about what book would I

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Speaker 1: want to read and how we heal, And like my

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Speaker 1: other books are kind of set up a little bit differently.

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Speaker 1: There's a lot of breathing room in there with practices

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Speaker 1: so that people can actually absorb the work and then

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Speaker 1: do their own. So I knew that I wanted this

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Speaker 1: book not to be in chapters, but to be in sections.

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Speaker 1: So there's four main sections. I knew that I wanted

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Speaker 1: within the sections to be not only my stories and teachings,

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Speaker 1: but the other women that I interviewed for this book,

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Speaker 1: and the meditations and journaling, et cetera. So I wanted

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Speaker 1: this book to feel easeful. I want this book to

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Speaker 1: be one that people come back to time and time again.

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Speaker 1: I want people to keep it out. I mean, it's

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Speaker 1: a very beautiful book. I don't know if you have

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Speaker 1: the hard copy, but it's a very beautiful book. So

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Speaker 1: I want people to keep it out, to reach for it,

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Speaker 1: keep it by their nightstand, gifted to others. So all

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Speaker 1: in all, I just really wanted it to be and

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Speaker 1: feel accessible, not just say that it is, but actually

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Speaker 1: have a tool that is what it's supposed to be.

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Speaker 1: M hmmm. More from my conversation with Alex after the break,

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Speaker 1: So you opened up our conversation talking about, you know

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Speaker 1: how a lot of your writing came from that original

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Speaker 1: therapy assignment. Can you say a little bit about how

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Speaker 1: you have worked with mental health professionals in your own

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Speaker 1: healing journey and especially as writing books, like you know,

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Speaker 1: because I'm in the midst of edits for my first book,

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Speaker 1: a lot of my therapy sessions are now about the book,

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Speaker 1: so I'm curious to year, you know, what kinds of

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Speaker 1: mental health assistance you've had throughout your life, but also

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Speaker 1: as you've been writing all these books. So I went

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00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:11,440
Speaker 1: back to therapy last year, and it was interesting writing

433
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,919
Speaker 1: How We Heal because I was in the midst of

434
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:17,440
Speaker 1: my own deep, deep emotional healing and my therapist just said,

435
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,920
Speaker 1: be patient with yourself. You don't have to have the answers.

436
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,160
Speaker 1: And I already know these things right, but it's nice

437
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:27,520
Speaker 1: to have someone reminding me, like, hey, girl, relax, it's okay.

438
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:32,200
Speaker 1: So having a neutral party when I need mental health maintenance,

439
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,960
Speaker 1: not just when I'm having these big moments in my life,

440
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,720
Speaker 1: has been so helpful because sometimes we're not going through

441
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:40,359
Speaker 1: big things where we need to be unpacking right, but

442
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:43,639
Speaker 1: sometimes we are like, yo, I don't know what's going on.

443
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,679
Speaker 1: I just need some mental health maintenance. I need a

444
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:49,280
Speaker 1: neutral party who is going to ask me some tough

445
00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:52,560
Speaker 1: questions and also just let me talk. So that's really

446
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:54,919
Speaker 1: how I was supported through How We Heal. It's like

447
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:59,000
Speaker 1: my therapist just listening, asking me some questions, reflecting back

448
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:02,160
Speaker 1: to me, and helping me not overthink because I tend

449
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:08,159
Speaker 1: to be an overthinker. It feels familiar. So do you

450
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:11,359
Speaker 1: feel like you learned anything new about yourself from writing

451
00:25:11,359 --> 00:25:15,040
Speaker 1: this book versus the books in the past. Oh, that's

452
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:18,320
Speaker 1: a good question. I think that this book solidified that

453
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:21,159
Speaker 1: I have a lot more healing to do, and that

454
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:24,640
Speaker 1: each stage of healing looks and feels different. It's kind

455
00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:27,600
Speaker 1: of seasonal. So this season of my healing when I

456
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:30,879
Speaker 1: was writing How We Heal, was it was hard. I mean,

457
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:33,560
Speaker 1: I have three children, I have a husband, we were

458
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:37,040
Speaker 1: home during the pandemic. I had to go to Starbucks

459
00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,240
Speaker 1: a lot of nights and be there until they closed

460
00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:41,080
Speaker 1: because that's the only time I could write the book,

461
00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:44,320
Speaker 1: you know. And so when I was there by myself

462
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:49,199
Speaker 1: with my thoughts, writing stories about my first experience with

463
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,359
Speaker 1: big fear that happened with my biological father, or writing

464
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:56,640
Speaker 1: stories about making my favorite peach cobbler, and not getting

465
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,080
Speaker 1: the response that I wanted or needed from my mother

466
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:03,159
Speaker 1: at the time, or all these different things that I

467
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:08,720
Speaker 1: thought I was over, but I'm still healing from This

468
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,040
Speaker 1: book has shown me that I need to pay closer

469
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:15,399
Speaker 1: attention to those small things, to those tender things, and

470
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,840
Speaker 1: to not judge myself for it, to not judge myself

471
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,760
Speaker 1: for being thirty three years old still struggling with something

472
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:22,919
Speaker 1: that happened when I was seven. It's like, how do

473
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,840
Speaker 1: we heal ourselves and our inner child, and how do

474
00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:29,879
Speaker 1: we give ourselves grace as we move through the different

475
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:33,080
Speaker 1: seasons of our healing. M hm. So I think that

476
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:37,240
Speaker 1: there's something particularly powerful about having daughters and being able

477
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:39,720
Speaker 1: to kind of have this work as we get older. Right,

478
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,880
Speaker 1: So what would you like for them to take from

479
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:45,960
Speaker 1: your books? Oh? My goodness, I would like them to

480
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:51,000
Speaker 1: take self trust from my books, to stand bravely in

481
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:55,360
Speaker 1: their truth, and to know that they are their own person.

482
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:58,200
Speaker 1: They are their own safe space, with or without the

483
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:02,400
Speaker 1: validation of others, include me and their dad. I'm really

484
00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:04,440
Speaker 1: glad you asked that, because I have a fourteen year

485
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:10,760
Speaker 1: old she'll be fifteen in November, and she is such

486
00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:17,520
Speaker 1: a self aware kind, sweet, creative kid, and she's really

487
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:23,360
Speaker 1: sure of herself and it's just like wow, seeing her

488
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:29,159
Speaker 1: is seeing my healing, and it's absolutely phenomenal. And she

489
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:32,600
Speaker 1: trusts herself in a way that I didn't at her age,

490
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:38,560
Speaker 1: and it's like, oh, I'm doing something right. I'm raising humans.

491
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:42,080
Speaker 1: I'm raising young black girls to know they're worth from jump.

492
00:27:43,119 --> 00:27:46,439
Speaker 1: It's so it's so funny because my husband, um, he

493
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:49,680
Speaker 1: always he tells Charlie, who's our oldest, He goes, remember

494
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:51,480
Speaker 1: who you are. You're a big dog. You're a big dogs.

495
00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:54,080
Speaker 1: When she goes to school, and she gets so embarrassed,

496
00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:55,960
Speaker 1: it's like who are you today? She's like, I'm a

497
00:27:55,960 --> 00:28:01,000
Speaker 1: big dog, Papa, I'm a big dog. But she believes

498
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:03,359
Speaker 1: it so and even when she's having her moments of

499
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:06,199
Speaker 1: like she's an artist and she gets really frustrated with

500
00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:09,080
Speaker 1: her when her paintings or sketches don't come out, and

501
00:28:09,119 --> 00:28:11,120
Speaker 1: she's like, it's okay, I'm a big dog. And it's

502
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:14,119
Speaker 1: just hilarious. But it's like there's her affirmation I'm a

503
00:28:14,119 --> 00:28:16,960
Speaker 1: big dog. And so it's just like I don't know,

504
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,000
Speaker 1: I'm just sharing that silly story because it's just not

505
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:22,560
Speaker 1: always heavy. Sometimes it's just light and we are allowed

506
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:26,680
Speaker 1: to be lighthearted, and we are capable of raising children

507
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:30,800
Speaker 1: who know themselves. And that's so powerful, it really is.

508
00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:32,919
Speaker 1: And even and you're sharing that small example, like you

509
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,880
Speaker 1: can see how the voice in our head is from

510
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,640
Speaker 1: my parents often right, So her even repeating I'm a

511
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:40,800
Speaker 1: big dog, like you think is very silly, but she's

512
00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:43,320
Speaker 1: holding on to it. So I think it's just a

513
00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:46,160
Speaker 1: beautiful example of how our voice then becomes the voice

514
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:49,720
Speaker 1: and our kids he is very often, very often Yes.

515
00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:53,959
Speaker 1: So what have you learned from your own healing and

516
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:57,120
Speaker 1: writing journey that you could share with others who may

517
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,440
Speaker 1: be kind of starting the process of using writing to

518
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:04,440
Speaker 1: heal mm hmm. That I have no answers, I know nothing,

519
00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:09,080
Speaker 1: and that I am a forever student of life and

520
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,440
Speaker 1: I actually really love that. I didn't used to. I

521
00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:13,400
Speaker 1: would be like, dang, I thought I learned that already.

522
00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:16,760
Speaker 1: I thought I healed from that already. But here I am.

523
00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:19,800
Speaker 1: And instead of beating myself up over not knowing or

524
00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:22,520
Speaker 1: thinking because growing up we're here like, oh, you should

525
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,480
Speaker 1: know better, you should know better, right, And I'm like,

526
00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:28,480
Speaker 1: I don't know better. Sometimes I don't know better, and

527
00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:31,120
Speaker 1: that is okay. And I can give myself grace for

528
00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:33,680
Speaker 1: not knowing better, and I can give myself grace for

529
00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:35,640
Speaker 1: still having to heal through things that I thought I

530
00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:39,800
Speaker 1: already healed from, and so that is you know. I

531
00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:43,120
Speaker 1: think my biggest takeaway is like it's okay to not

532
00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:48,600
Speaker 1: know better, and that we can continue to learn and

533
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:51,640
Speaker 1: be curious so that we can gain the knowledge to

534
00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:56,080
Speaker 1: do better as we grow beautifully see it. So, where

535
00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:58,440
Speaker 1: can we stay connected with you, Alex? Where can we

536
00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:00,640
Speaker 1: grab the book? Where can we find a website as

537
00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:03,800
Speaker 1: well as any social media handles you'd like to share? Yeah,

538
00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:06,160
Speaker 1: so my website is alex l dot com. You can

539
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:08,360
Speaker 1: find all the links to How We Heal. It's very

540
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:12,520
Speaker 1: much in your face. I'm going on tour in November.

541
00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:15,000
Speaker 1: I'll be going to seven cities. I would love to

542
00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:17,400
Speaker 1: see folks there. Tour dates are also on alex l

543
00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:20,400
Speaker 1: dot com. I have a podcast called This Morning Walk

544
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:23,520
Speaker 1: and it is one of my favorite things that's co

545
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:25,840
Speaker 1: hosted with the lady who got me walking over a

546
00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:29,280
Speaker 1: year ago. So it's really awesome and very healing. And

547
00:30:29,440 --> 00:30:32,920
Speaker 1: on Instagram, I'm just at alex Facebook. I think it's

548
00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:36,760
Speaker 1: Alex l FB and yeah, I'm always open to an email,

549
00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:39,240
Speaker 1: so you can hit the contact tab on my website

550
00:30:39,280 --> 00:30:41,080
Speaker 1: and there and if you want to come to retreat

551
00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:42,840
Speaker 1: with me, you can find all of that on alex

552
00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:45,920
Speaker 1: l dot com too perfect we will be shut include

553
00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:48,080
Speaker 1: all of that in the show notes. Thank you so

554
00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:50,760
Speaker 1: much for chatting with us today, Alex, I really appreciate it.

555
00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:55,720
Speaker 1: Thank you for having me. This was great. I'm so

556
00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:58,400
Speaker 1: glad Alex was able to share her exergise with us today.

557
00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:01,040
Speaker 1: To learn more about her, or to grab a copy

558
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:03,680
Speaker 1: of How We Heal, visit the show notes at Therapy

559
00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:06,320
Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com slash session to eighty three,

560
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:08,800
Speaker 1: and don't forget to text two of your girls and

561
00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:11,760
Speaker 1: tell them to check out the episode right now. If

562
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:14,320
Speaker 1: you're looking for a therapist in your area, check out

563
00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:17,160
Speaker 1: our therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com

564
00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:20,520
Speaker 1: slash directory. And if you want to continue digging into

565
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:23,040
Speaker 1: this topic or just be in community with other sisters,

566
00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:25,520
Speaker 1: come on over and join us in the Sister Circle.

567
00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:28,400
Speaker 1: It's our cozy corner of the internet design just for

568
00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:31,520
Speaker 1: black women. You can join us at Community not Therapy

569
00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:35,080
Speaker 1: for Black Girls dot com. This episode was produced by

570
00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:38,160
Speaker 1: Freda Lucas and Elise Ellis, and editing was done by

571
00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:41,320
Speaker 1: Dennis and Bradford. Thank you all so much for joining

572
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:43,880
Speaker 1: me again this week. I look forward to continuing this

573
00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:47,360
Speaker 1: conversation with you all real soon. Take it care