1 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:14,280 Speaker 1: In this week's episode of the Professional Homegirl podcast, our 2 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:18,479 Speaker 1: focus would be on the personal experiences of our beloved guests, 3 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:23,240 Speaker 1: who bravely shares her story as a survivor of melestation 4 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:26,000 Speaker 1: at the hands of her own mother. It is very 5 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:29,640 Speaker 1: unfortunate that a brief within the mother daughter relationship is 6 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:34,200 Speaker 1: often unaddressed and seldom discussed. Our purpose is to bring 7 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:39,159 Speaker 1: attention to this distress and reality, offering support, empathy, and 8 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:44,199 Speaker 1: valuable resources to those who have endured similar traumatic experiences. 9 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:46,880 Speaker 1: So to my guests, thank you so much for sharing 10 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,479 Speaker 1: your story with us today. How are you feeling, How 11 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:50,240 Speaker 1: are you doing? 12 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,720 Speaker 2: I'm good. Thank you for having me abinet. I really 13 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:54,480 Speaker 2: appreciate it. 14 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:59,080 Speaker 1: Yes, So, I can only imagine how difficult it is 15 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,680 Speaker 1: to share your story. What inspire you to begin this 16 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,880 Speaker 1: journey of sharing your experience with everyone? 17 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,440 Speaker 2: Honestly, God, to be honest. 18 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:12,080 Speaker 3: I just I decided that it was time for me 19 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:16,000 Speaker 3: to step out of the shame and not continuously blame 20 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:16,720 Speaker 3: myself for what. 21 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:17,360 Speaker 2: Happened to me. 22 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:20,760 Speaker 3: And you know I created that all just to getting 23 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:24,760 Speaker 3: closer to God and just feeling just empowered to be 24 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,600 Speaker 3: delivered and let it go right. 25 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:30,720 Speaker 1: And one of your videos, you mentioned that one positive 26 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:34,360 Speaker 1: outcome of your experience is that you no longer feel alone. 27 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,920 Speaker 1: Do you still find that sense of connection and support 28 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:39,080 Speaker 1: within your journey? 29 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,160 Speaker 2: I do. 30 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:43,959 Speaker 3: It's one of those things where I'm happy to know 31 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:45,920 Speaker 3: that there are other people out there that have shared 32 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:46,600 Speaker 3: the experience. 33 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:50,280 Speaker 2: Yet I'm very, very sad that we have it in common. Right, 34 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 2: So I guess it's a little bit of both. 35 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,440 Speaker 3: I'm happy not to be alone, because I did feel 36 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:58,240 Speaker 3: alone for a very long time, but I'm actually quite 37 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,520 Speaker 3: sad that I'm not because that means that other people 38 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:02,720 Speaker 3: have went through you know what I've went through. 39 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,000 Speaker 1: Do you feel comfortable being your true, authentic self and 40 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:10,040 Speaker 1: expressing your thoughts and experience while sharing your story or 41 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:14,200 Speaker 1: do you still have concerns about potential backlash or negative reactions. 42 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:21,600 Speaker 3: I still have concerns about backlash, but I've just gotten 43 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 3: to the point in my healing process where I'm just 44 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,079 Speaker 3: willing to go forward regardless. 45 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:30,360 Speaker 2: You know what I mean. It is because opinions, okay, 46 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:33,440 Speaker 2: and these. 47 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:36,360 Speaker 4: Come on now, sirs, yep. 48 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,800 Speaker 1: Now, why do you believe that abuse between mothers and 49 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:42,520 Speaker 1: daughters is a topic that is often overlooked and not 50 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:47,440 Speaker 1: openly discussed. Just from my own personal experience, it was 51 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 1: just something that I did not really hear about. I 52 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:54,520 Speaker 1: guess just a mom you would think would be like 53 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:56,440 Speaker 1: in the nursery role and stuff like that. 54 00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:57,960 Speaker 2: So just. 55 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:02,560 Speaker 3: All those things collectively made me just feel like it's 56 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:04,920 Speaker 3: just I was the only one in the world that 57 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,400 Speaker 3: had ever experienced it, because you know, you hear so 58 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:11,920 Speaker 3: much about fathers their daughter like that, and that in 59 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:15,640 Speaker 3: itself was wrong too. But I felt like because my 60 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,040 Speaker 3: mom blested me and I couldn't really share it with anybody, 61 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:20,600 Speaker 3: I felt like I was just honestly, I felt disgusting, 62 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:23,040 Speaker 3: you know what I mean. So I just I don't know, 63 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:25,200 Speaker 3: I just it took me a while, but I'm glad 64 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:26,320 Speaker 3: that I have shared it. 65 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:27,000 Speaker 2: I really am. 66 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,359 Speaker 4: I am too. I feel like this is a very 67 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:30,639 Speaker 4: important topic because I. 68 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,919 Speaker 1: Feel like mothers get overlooked in a lot of cases 69 00:03:33,919 --> 00:03:35,080 Speaker 1: when it comes to their children. 70 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:40,119 Speaker 2: They do, they do, they really do. And I've also. 71 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:44,320 Speaker 3: Just you know, from private messages and stuff I've received 72 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 3: a lot of men were arlested by their moms too. 73 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,960 Speaker 3: Oh you know what I mean, you know, and the situation, 74 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:52,800 Speaker 3: it's all together for me, just say it really is. 75 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:58,920 Speaker 1: Now, are there any misconceptions or stigmas surrounding melestation by 76 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:01,080 Speaker 1: a mother that you would like to dress or the spell? 77 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:02,640 Speaker 2: Yes and no. 78 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,440 Speaker 3: I guess the only thing I can really think of 79 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:08,760 Speaker 3: to say is if you have, if you have had 80 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:11,000 Speaker 3: this experience, I just want you to know that you're 81 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:11,560 Speaker 3: not alone. 82 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,280 Speaker 2: I think that's the biggest sigma from. 83 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:16,320 Speaker 3: Where where I'm standing, from my perception, just feeling like 84 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,600 Speaker 3: I was so alone for so long. 85 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:20,280 Speaker 2: Like the whole point, you. 86 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,120 Speaker 3: Know, the YouTube or even doing this ebonet is just 87 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:26,279 Speaker 3: making sure that women and being out there know that 88 00:04:26,279 --> 00:04:29,479 Speaker 3: they're not the only ones that experience it, right. 89 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:33,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, I feel like another misconception could be that a 90 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,680 Speaker 1: lot of times people because I don't have a relationship 91 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 1: with my biological mother, so I feel like people would 92 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:41,960 Speaker 1: say that it's something wrong with me, yeah, and it's like, no, 93 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:42,880 Speaker 1: it's nothing wrong with her. 94 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,520 Speaker 2: Right. Body always puts the pressure on us, Oh that's 95 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:51,160 Speaker 2: your mom. You should you know, right, you should do that. 96 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:53,800 Speaker 3: I'm a true believer. If somebody is toxic, I don't 97 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:56,680 Speaker 3: care if your mom or what go. 98 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:57,599 Speaker 2: You know what I mean? 99 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,400 Speaker 3: In my in my case, my mom just having to 100 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:02,960 Speaker 3: pass away fifteen years ago, you know, And like I 101 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,200 Speaker 3: said in one of my most recent videos, I'm starting 102 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,640 Speaker 3: to realize now that that was a blessing in disguise, 103 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:11,440 Speaker 3: because now that I get further along in my healing, 104 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,839 Speaker 3: I have no choice but to let it go because 105 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,800 Speaker 3: it's not like I can have a conversation with her 106 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:18,440 Speaker 3: about it. I'll never get an apology that I want 107 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:21,359 Speaker 3: and stuff like that. So it's like, phew, you. 108 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:22,760 Speaker 2: Know what I mean. I don't like to face it 109 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:23,400 Speaker 2: like that. 110 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:26,839 Speaker 3: So my heart really goes out to people who who's 111 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 3: mom or even dad are still alive and they have 112 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:31,000 Speaker 3: to face this person, you know what I mean. 113 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:35,560 Speaker 1: I hate that right now, How would you describe your 114 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,760 Speaker 1: relationship with your mother prior to the abuse? 115 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,960 Speaker 3: So the abuse took place when I was around three and. 116 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,320 Speaker 2: A half four. It's actually one of my earliest memories. 117 00:05:46,839 --> 00:05:49,920 Speaker 3: But I would say post abuse because I didn't really 118 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:53,360 Speaker 3: understand at the time what was going on, and honestly, 119 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,680 Speaker 3: I felt like my mom was my best friend, you 120 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:58,760 Speaker 3: know what I mean. It's not until I got older 121 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:01,760 Speaker 3: and I, you know, Goddess of Therapy or even started 122 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,159 Speaker 3: taking some counseling at the church that I realized that 123 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,640 Speaker 3: a lot of our relationship was just inappropriate, you. 124 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:08,160 Speaker 2: Know what I mean. 125 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:10,680 Speaker 3: Even my husband now that I'm married to, who was 126 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:12,760 Speaker 3: my friend at the time when my mom died, like 127 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,760 Speaker 3: she crossed boundaries with that, you know, asking him if 128 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,680 Speaker 3: we had sex, like all kinds of things. So she 129 00:06:17,839 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 3: just never really I don't feel like she functioned as 130 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,719 Speaker 3: a mom. She functioned as a friend. And I think 131 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:29,760 Speaker 3: that's kind of what also really hurt me in hindsight. 132 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,200 Speaker 3: I never had that that guidance, you know what I mean. 133 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,160 Speaker 3: So when I got into the world, I was promiscuous. 134 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,880 Speaker 3: I was you know, yeah, I gots I ain't gonna 135 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:43,360 Speaker 3: say too much. My whole day is too much, not right. 136 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:47,479 Speaker 1: Now, Listen, child, we didn't all have some whole days okay, 137 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:52,120 Speaker 1: oh week, okay, whole years. 138 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:53,560 Speaker 2: Yep? 139 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:56,320 Speaker 4: Oh man. 140 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,640 Speaker 1: You know That's why I love like having these conversations, well, 141 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:02,280 Speaker 1: Unford lead these conversations, because I feel like when people 142 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,640 Speaker 1: see the topic or the title of the topic, it 143 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,560 Speaker 1: makes people very uncomfortable and it can be triggering up 144 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,880 Speaker 1: for a lot of people. But I also feel like 145 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,400 Speaker 1: when you listen to the conversation and you can hear 146 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:14,160 Speaker 1: the guests and you can hear how light they are 147 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,240 Speaker 1: and like they want to share their story. Like it 148 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:18,680 Speaker 1: really makes me proud to like to be a part 149 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:22,080 Speaker 1: of this journey with you and other women who are survivors. 150 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,240 Speaker 2: Kudos to you for doing this, you know, especially as 151 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:25,840 Speaker 2: a black woman. 152 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,000 Speaker 3: You know we you know ancestor is a slave, so 153 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,760 Speaker 3: come on, now one is you know, and providing a 154 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:32,800 Speaker 3: platform for black people in general. 155 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:34,320 Speaker 2: For me, girl, kudos to you. 156 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,320 Speaker 4: Thanks for thank you, Thank you. 157 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,720 Speaker 1: Now, could you tell us the nature of the abuse 158 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,600 Speaker 1: you experienced and when did it stop? 159 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:46,800 Speaker 3: So the physical touching, it was only a few incidents, 160 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,960 Speaker 3: and that's around the age of three and a half four, 161 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:51,320 Speaker 3: I want to say more so far, because I do 162 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:54,320 Speaker 3: remember being in pre k it was just a lot 163 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:55,600 Speaker 3: of touching and stuff like that. 164 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:58,680 Speaker 2: I do remember incident where I did bleed. 165 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:02,000 Speaker 3: I did talk to, you know, a counselor and stuff 166 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,720 Speaker 3: about it, and I kind of came because I don't 167 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,560 Speaker 3: really remember that event more specifically, but I came to 168 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:10,400 Speaker 3: times with the fact that she may have inserted her 169 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,000 Speaker 3: fingers and stuff like that inside of me. 170 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:15,880 Speaker 1: That's so crazy that you're like you remember that, and 171 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 1: I do know. 172 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:19,920 Speaker 3: I'm gonna tell you something about me, and you know, 173 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,280 Speaker 3: it's the biggest curse. I don't forget shit, like you 174 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,680 Speaker 3: know what I'm saying, And for me, it's a curse 175 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,560 Speaker 3: as well, because some stuff you do want to forget, 176 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:30,880 Speaker 3: of course, and that it happens to be one of 177 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:34,480 Speaker 3: my earliest memories. However, I wasn't able to really piece 178 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:37,120 Speaker 3: it together until I got help, you know what I mean. 179 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,600 Speaker 3: So but yeah, so it was a lot of touching 180 00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:43,560 Speaker 3: and stuff like that, and beyond that, I would just 181 00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:45,320 Speaker 3: like to go on record and say, I don't feel 182 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:48,760 Speaker 3: like physical touch is the only form of sexual abuse 183 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,600 Speaker 3: because my mom was just very inappropriate in general, you know, 184 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:54,560 Speaker 3: having an adult like conversations with me when I was 185 00:08:54,559 --> 00:08:57,200 Speaker 3: a small child, six or seven years old, you know, 186 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,680 Speaker 3: like I said on YouTube, I didn't learn about the 187 00:08:59,679 --> 00:09:00,480 Speaker 3: birds and beades. 188 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,440 Speaker 2: I learned about pussy and dick and I learned. 189 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:04,960 Speaker 3: That when I was in earlier school from my mom's mouth, 190 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:09,200 Speaker 3: you know what I mean, which I've learned to see 191 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:12,040 Speaker 3: that now, Like I said that sexual abuse too, you 192 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:14,400 Speaker 3: know what I mean, because that's inappropriate to have those 193 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:15,600 Speaker 3: types of conversations with kids. 194 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:16,920 Speaker 2: I wouldn't have that conversation with my. 195 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,160 Speaker 4: Child, I feel like, all since she was kind of 196 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:19,920 Speaker 4: like grooming you. 197 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:23,320 Speaker 2: I feel like that too. 198 00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:26,400 Speaker 3: And when I look at the relationship in hindsight, and 199 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,520 Speaker 3: I really hate to say it, it's almost as if 200 00:09:28,559 --> 00:09:31,640 Speaker 3: she passed away at the right time, because I could 201 00:09:31,679 --> 00:09:36,720 Speaker 3: see how she was going to really ruin my adult life, 202 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,200 Speaker 3: you know what I mean, I could just yeah, I 203 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:40,080 Speaker 3: definitely can see it. 204 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:44,760 Speaker 1: So do you feel like it stopped once she passed away? 205 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,720 Speaker 1: The grooming just overall? Because I feel like the touching 206 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,800 Speaker 1: had stop a little earlier. But I feel like with 207 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,000 Speaker 1: everything else that's included in your abuse, you feel like 208 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,240 Speaker 1: they stopped when she passed away. 209 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:56,079 Speaker 5: It did. 210 00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:00,480 Speaker 3: From her, But because I was so accustomed to abuse, 211 00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:04,360 Speaker 3: I'll be honest, I found myself in situations more, particularly 212 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:08,160 Speaker 3: with older women who had a similar vibe, like just 213 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:11,840 Speaker 3: narcissistic type of the value in type of women in general, 214 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,400 Speaker 3: like maybe like friends of moms, or even like older 215 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:15,760 Speaker 3: female coworkers. 216 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,479 Speaker 2: It's almost as if I was attracted to those types. 217 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,679 Speaker 3: Of people before, or that to twenty sixteen, of the 218 00:10:21,679 --> 00:10:24,000 Speaker 3: age of twenty nine, when I decided to get help, 219 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,800 Speaker 3: you know what I mean. So it did not the 220 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:31,320 Speaker 3: sexual abuse and stuff I feel stopped with my mom, 221 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,680 Speaker 3: but actual emotional abuse, which also was something that she did. 222 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,520 Speaker 3: It continued on for an additional eight years, like I said, 223 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,360 Speaker 3: until I was twenty nine and I realized, wait a minute, 224 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:41,160 Speaker 3: you know what I mean. 225 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:45,280 Speaker 2: Right, But I can see how. 226 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:50,400 Speaker 3: I feel like me being attracted to those types of 227 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,079 Speaker 3: women in times of being you know, friends with them 228 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,000 Speaker 3: and gathering wisdom from them. I feel like it was 229 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:57,880 Speaker 3: God's way of showing me what I had in doing, 230 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,840 Speaker 3: you know what I mean, because that's led me to 231 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:03,840 Speaker 3: go into therapist in the first place, Like, shit, why 232 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,079 Speaker 3: do I keep getting used and taking advantage of by 233 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,240 Speaker 3: older women, these women that I respect. 234 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:08,480 Speaker 2: And stuff like that. 235 00:11:08,559 --> 00:11:12,000 Speaker 3: So I went to counseling like that, and initially, shit, 236 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:14,080 Speaker 3: I thought I was some type of narcissist or something 237 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:17,080 Speaker 3: like that. And I had to actually, you know, find 238 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,400 Speaker 3: out that I was codependent. And that's how, you know, 239 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,320 Speaker 3: uncover that I had been abused by my mom. And 240 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,880 Speaker 3: that's when I was able to face those memories from 241 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:28,160 Speaker 3: my early childhood that I was trying to, you know, 242 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:29,280 Speaker 3: trying to run from. 243 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 5: Right. 244 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:33,120 Speaker 1: I also feel like some things that were inappropriate that 245 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,360 Speaker 1: you mentioned you were seeing how like, obviously she was 246 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:38,840 Speaker 1: very sexual, so she was having very grown like conversations 247 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:41,839 Speaker 1: with you at a very young age. But you also 248 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:44,000 Speaker 1: mentioned that she used to always be naked. 249 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,600 Speaker 2: She did. She would walk around the house but naked. 250 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,480 Speaker 3: And not only that, I say something that really made 251 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:53,760 Speaker 3: me feel uncomfortable, especially when I was in middle school. 252 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,680 Speaker 3: She would compare my body to hers, you know what. 253 00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,160 Speaker 3: She would say, shit like you know, when I was 254 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:01,440 Speaker 3: your age, I had better shape than you and stuff 255 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:04,120 Speaker 3: like that. Like it was sexual, but it was also 256 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:10,040 Speaker 3: like very devaluing of you know what I'm saying with you, Yeah, 257 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,000 Speaker 3: and ship. By the time I reached the age that 258 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,679 Speaker 3: I want to say it was twenty two or twenty three, 259 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:17,080 Speaker 3: I weighed two hundred and sixty seven pounds because I 260 00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:19,960 Speaker 3: just shit, I was just eating my feelings the way, 261 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,560 Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying, right, you know, and always 262 00:12:22,559 --> 00:12:25,880 Speaker 3: called me fat anyway, and I just felt like I 263 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:28,840 Speaker 3: I sort of became who she told me I was, 264 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,760 Speaker 3: you know, I sort of became you believed that. Yeah, 265 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,120 Speaker 3: should you know you hear that you a fat, sloppy 266 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,000 Speaker 3: bitch so much? You know what I'm saying, You just 267 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:39,319 Speaker 3: you become. If you believe that, then you become a fat, 268 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:40,000 Speaker 3: sloppy bitch. 269 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,079 Speaker 2: But I got well, I. 270 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:45,400 Speaker 3: Just got tired of doing that to myself, you know, 271 00:12:45,559 --> 00:12:48,280 Speaker 3: over eating and stuff like that, and also too not 272 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,439 Speaker 3: wanting to die because my mom was forty four when 273 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:53,680 Speaker 3: she died, so oh she was jump Yes, she was young. 274 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,560 Speaker 3: And when I say she had a painful death, she 275 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:58,880 Speaker 3: had a very very painful death. She had several heart 276 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:02,560 Speaker 3: attacks at the end, her kidneys were failing really bad. 277 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,760 Speaker 3: She died in hospice, So you know what I'm saying. 278 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 3: She had She had sores on her body and stuff like. 279 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:11,440 Speaker 3: In hindsight, it's like God, God wanted to work on her. 280 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:13,640 Speaker 3: I'm being honest, you know what I'm saying. At least 281 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:14,480 Speaker 3: that's how I see it. 282 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:16,880 Speaker 2: He went to work on my mom. 283 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:19,040 Speaker 4: Are you the only child? 284 00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:22,360 Speaker 2: No, I have a younger sister. I do. I have 285 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,120 Speaker 2: a younger sister who is eleven years younger than me. 286 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:28,080 Speaker 3: Unfortunately, I feel like she really didn't get the brunt 287 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,199 Speaker 3: of my mom's abuse. 288 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:31,960 Speaker 4: I feel like that too with my mom. 289 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,679 Speaker 2: She felt sort of ignored by my mom, you know 290 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:36,160 Speaker 2: what I mean. 291 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,280 Speaker 3: So it's like she and she sort of treated my 292 00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:42,720 Speaker 3: sister like she was just kind of in the way, right, 293 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:46,160 Speaker 3: you know, so much so that I remember being in 294 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,240 Speaker 3: high school, a lot of people that I would meet 295 00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:50,680 Speaker 3: with think that my sister was my child because she 296 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,440 Speaker 3: was always with me. You know, I was the one 297 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,520 Speaker 3: that did her hair and stuff. And when my mom 298 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,480 Speaker 3: passed away, actually got custody on my sister. 299 00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:00,199 Speaker 2: So you know, that's that's like my oldest child, you 300 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:00,800 Speaker 2: know what I'm saying. 301 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:05,000 Speaker 3: Right, She's twenty four now, and you know, I'm so 302 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:05,920 Speaker 3: proud of my sister. 303 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,319 Speaker 2: You know, the stuff that she's done. 304 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:12,760 Speaker 3: She went to a funeral homeschool, you know, after losing because. 305 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,439 Speaker 2: She lost her dad too, like a year as my mom. 306 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:15,800 Speaker 2: That's how I ended up getting custoded her. 307 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:19,880 Speaker 3: So what she experienced is that she wanted to help 308 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,040 Speaker 3: others in their time of grief, and so she decided 309 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,760 Speaker 3: that she wanted to be a funeral home director. So 310 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:27,040 Speaker 3: I was like, girl, kudos, are you shyah? I want 311 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,760 Speaker 3: no dad people like that, you know what I'm saying. 312 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:34,400 Speaker 3: That Damn that shit make my head crawl right right right. 313 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,840 Speaker 2: But you know, out of all the things I did. 314 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:40,200 Speaker 3: In my life, I would say that's probably one of 315 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,400 Speaker 3: the things I'm most proud of that I took care 316 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:44,440 Speaker 3: of my sister when I was so young, you know 317 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,240 Speaker 3: what I mean, turned out good. 318 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:48,520 Speaker 2: Like shit, she's doing better than me. 319 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:53,000 Speaker 1: Okay, well listen, I can let y'all know my guess 320 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,240 Speaker 1: ain't no fast, sloppy bitch. 321 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:58,280 Speaker 4: Okay, she's looking good, skin blowing. Hold on now she's 322 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,840 Speaker 4: standing up. Okay, come on, come on. 323 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,920 Speaker 3: But yeah, I've been flight lost journey now for a 324 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:09,800 Speaker 3: couple of years. It's hard, but I'm not gonna lie. 325 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:12,760 Speaker 3: I'm mostly inspired by just not dying in forty four. 326 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:14,680 Speaker 3: You know, for me, that's enough. 327 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,880 Speaker 2: Now. I know, you know you can die from anything. 328 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:18,080 Speaker 2: Death is mysterious. 329 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,360 Speaker 3: But if I get my health together in such a 330 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,760 Speaker 3: way to increase my chances of having a long life, 331 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:23,960 Speaker 3: I'm gonna do it. 332 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:51,320 Speaker 5: Right, right, right, right, right right. 333 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:43,600 Speaker 3: Now. 334 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,480 Speaker 1: I know you mentioned earlier that you disclosed the abuse 335 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,800 Speaker 1: to someone, but you also said that one of your 336 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,440 Speaker 1: videos that no one believe you because everyone liked her. 337 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:52,800 Speaker 2: Yeah. 338 00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:54,960 Speaker 3: So I'm speaking of like when I was a kid, 339 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:59,359 Speaker 3: you know what I mean, things like to more specifically, 340 00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:02,200 Speaker 3: my mom's out of the family or even her friends 341 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,800 Speaker 3: and stuff like that, or their kids. People would basically, 342 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,160 Speaker 3: you know, say they don't know what I'm talking about. 343 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,800 Speaker 3: You know what I mean, because she was the life 344 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:10,360 Speaker 3: of the party. 345 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:11,200 Speaker 2: I'm not gonna lie. 346 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,640 Speaker 3: Like if you had met my mom, you probably would 347 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:15,520 Speaker 3: have liked my mom. 348 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:16,080 Speaker 2: You know. 349 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,880 Speaker 3: She was that parent who you know, would few other 350 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:22,000 Speaker 3: people's kids and stuff like that. Like she had the 351 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:26,560 Speaker 3: image portion a lot everybody else was gone. That's when 352 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:29,280 Speaker 3: she would just show her true colors. 353 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,640 Speaker 1: And you also mentioned that you were molested by one 354 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,160 Speaker 1: of your older cousins from your mom's side. Did you 355 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,120 Speaker 1: tell you about that? 356 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:46,280 Speaker 2: No, only because I feel like I feel like nobody 357 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:48,040 Speaker 2: would believe me, you know what I'm saying. 358 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,520 Speaker 3: Plus and I'm not sure if you were molested to 359 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:57,200 Speaker 3: on a But no, I wasn't lucky, you girl. A 360 00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,440 Speaker 3: lot of it was just confusion, you know what I'm saying. 361 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,760 Speaker 3: What you know, because I got molested by my club cousin. Sorry, 362 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:05,520 Speaker 3: I didn't mean to say it. Say I got blessed 363 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,960 Speaker 3: people out? Yeah, uh fuck him by the way, But. 364 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:10,679 Speaker 4: I don't go to be we can leave it in 365 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:11,000 Speaker 4: there now. 366 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,960 Speaker 3: Yeah, and I'll tell you why in the second. But I, uh, 367 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:19,080 Speaker 3: this happened when I was around seven or eight. I 368 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,520 Speaker 3: used to go because my mom was from Gainesville, Florida, 369 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:23,679 Speaker 3: So I used to go visit my mom's family every summer. 370 00:17:24,359 --> 00:17:26,359 Speaker 3: And uh, one summer, I was in the bed with 371 00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,560 Speaker 3: my younger cousin who was his younger sister, and he 372 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:32,080 Speaker 3: walked in the room and you know, he just kind 373 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,240 Speaker 3: of forced my legs open. He started touching my private 374 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,480 Speaker 3: parts and then he kind of put my you know, 375 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:40,919 Speaker 3: my hand on his dick, I'm saying, and I basically 376 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,439 Speaker 3: jacked him off. Wow, it played with me, and I 377 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:48,280 Speaker 3: didn't realize what really happened. You know, that's another thing 378 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,399 Speaker 3: that I didn't realize what it was into a therapy 379 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,960 Speaker 3: because I'll be honest, I'm eighth or nine. Shit, I'm like, 380 00:17:53,119 --> 00:17:54,199 Speaker 3: you don't know what's going on. 381 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:55,920 Speaker 4: Shit, no matter what's. 382 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,960 Speaker 3: This thumb, I'm not gonna lie. So either the nigga 383 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:02,600 Speaker 3: dick was small or you know, I just I didn't know, 384 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:03,040 Speaker 3: you know what. 385 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:06,160 Speaker 1: But but how let you know you're not having sex 386 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,160 Speaker 1: in eight or nine, Like you're not seeing no dicks, 387 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:09,000 Speaker 1: you know. 388 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:09,240 Speaker 5: What I mean? 389 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:10,800 Speaker 2: I just know, you know, I did what I did. 390 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,720 Speaker 3: He made a little strange noise and then he got 391 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:13,400 Speaker 3: the fuck out of there. 392 00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:15,240 Speaker 4: And how old was he? 393 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:20,399 Speaker 3: Shit, if I'm thirty six, he has got to be 394 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:26,159 Speaker 3: at least somewhere between forty six and fifty now, so 395 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:31,080 Speaker 3: he was probably he was in his late teens, early twenties, 396 00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:33,080 Speaker 3: I would say, like nineteen to twenty three. 397 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:35,679 Speaker 2: I don't But the. 398 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:39,040 Speaker 3: Reason I say fuck him is because as the years 399 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:42,080 Speaker 3: went by, like I had to actually end up to 400 00:18:42,119 --> 00:18:45,040 Speaker 3: leave my Facebook because he would like continuously send me 401 00:18:45,119 --> 00:18:47,680 Speaker 3: for a request to the point where I just I 402 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:48,920 Speaker 3: just eventually. 403 00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:49,480 Speaker 2: Blocked him, you know what I mean. 404 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,160 Speaker 3: And I don't know if he was taunting me, because 405 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,720 Speaker 3: it happened obviously, it happened, you know, twenty years before. 406 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,959 Speaker 3: At that point, right, feel so uncomfortable, like I can 407 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,600 Speaker 3: literally decline your request and you will actually come back 408 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,280 Speaker 3: and send me another one. So I just I deleted 409 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,919 Speaker 3: my Facebook and then I created another page, and I 410 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:07,680 Speaker 3: don't know how to fuck he found it, but he 411 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,359 Speaker 3: sent me a request on there, so now you can't 412 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,520 Speaker 3: catch me on Facebook. 413 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:14,760 Speaker 2: And it's been a couple of years with that. So 414 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:15,959 Speaker 2: I don't know. 415 00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:19,480 Speaker 3: The situation is uncomfortable in general, but I did wonder 416 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,560 Speaker 3: recently had he ever touched his sister. 417 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:26,359 Speaker 2: You know, that was me. And it's so weird the 418 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:27,440 Speaker 2: way my empathy works. 419 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:30,359 Speaker 3: Sometimes it's post you know, post experience, and I just 420 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:31,560 Speaker 3: put myself in her shoes. 421 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,000 Speaker 2: I just imagine her growing up in a home with him, 422 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:35,160 Speaker 2: you know what I mean. 423 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:37,560 Speaker 3: And I just don't know if that was her norm. 424 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,679 Speaker 3: And I even asked, God, like, did I saved her 425 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:40,800 Speaker 3: from getting touched that night? 426 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:41,800 Speaker 2: You know, I'm being honest. 427 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:45,040 Speaker 3: You know, it's just like, if you touched me, why 428 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:45,960 Speaker 3: wouldn't you touch her? 429 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,560 Speaker 2: You know what I mean. She's easily accessible, you know, 430 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,000 Speaker 2: and stuff like that. So I don't know. I just 431 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:53,560 Speaker 2: have never had the guts to and I probably never 432 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:56,680 Speaker 2: will on a ask her if he ever did anything 433 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:57,800 Speaker 2: to her? You know what I mean? 434 00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,760 Speaker 4: Are you in her close? 435 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,360 Speaker 2: We still talk here. I talked to her. 436 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,720 Speaker 3: Even though I'm not on Facebook, I still have you know, 437 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:08,320 Speaker 3: I can still have a Facebook messenger, right, so I probably, 438 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:12,040 Speaker 3: I don't know, every two or three weeks will shoot 439 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:14,160 Speaker 3: each other a messenger and you know, see how each 440 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:17,680 Speaker 3: other's doing. She's what thirty two, thirty three now I'm 441 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,680 Speaker 3: thirty six, So yeah, we still talk. 442 00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:22,359 Speaker 4: Yeah, Yo, these fucking niggas y'all. 443 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:26,160 Speaker 2: I just yeah, people in general, you know what I'm saying. 444 00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:28,200 Speaker 4: Bits can be niggas too. 445 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,040 Speaker 2: Okay, white people too. 446 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:34,760 Speaker 4: Oh white, but niggas too. Don't get twisted the big niggas. 447 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:37,160 Speaker 2: It works because I managed a lot of white people. 448 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,400 Speaker 3: And I catch myself because I be calling them if 449 00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:44,400 Speaker 3: it's a habit, you know, it's just a heavy. 450 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,439 Speaker 1: Now, while acknowledging that this should not be seen as 451 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:51,240 Speaker 1: an excuse considering the pattern of her people hurting others, 452 00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,480 Speaker 1: do you believe that their mother may have also been 453 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,080 Speaker 1: a victim of sexual adustens? 454 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:55,920 Speaker 2: Hell? 455 00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:59,560 Speaker 3: Yeah, I say that because her side of the family 456 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:00,679 Speaker 3: is such well in general. 457 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,159 Speaker 2: I don't know if you saw the video. I'm not 458 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,359 Speaker 2: even sure if I put it on video. 459 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:07,840 Speaker 3: But when I was visiting my mom's family one summer, 460 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,280 Speaker 3: my cousin's daughters. I remember she was maybe like three 461 00:21:11,359 --> 00:21:12,720 Speaker 3: or four. She was in the back seat and she 462 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,840 Speaker 3: was cutting up, and her mom told her to stop. 463 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,000 Speaker 2: Or she was gonna beat her in the pussy. Literally, 464 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:18,800 Speaker 2: that's what she said. 465 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,879 Speaker 3: Literally, you know what I mean. I'll never forget it, 466 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,040 Speaker 3: you know what I mean. And it's one of those 467 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:25,880 Speaker 3: things I look back on and I'm just like, shit, 468 00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,520 Speaker 3: my mom's family was very sexual because these girls they 469 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,720 Speaker 3: were getting pregnant when they were like eleven and twelve 470 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:35,120 Speaker 3: years old, like they got it's like my sister's age. 471 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:37,880 Speaker 2: And they shit my damn age. You know. I'm like, right, 472 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:39,760 Speaker 2: I think sex. 473 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,159 Speaker 3: In general, it's just that vibe on that side of 474 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:47,600 Speaker 3: the family. And I'm almost positive it's on like some incests. 475 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:52,080 Speaker 2: Going on too. I am, wow a proof of it. 476 00:21:52,119 --> 00:21:53,760 Speaker 3: I'm being honest, but I think it's a lot of 477 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,399 Speaker 3: shit going on. I really do. 478 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:58,479 Speaker 1: You know what's so crazy? I feel like incest is 479 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,000 Speaker 1: so fucking common now. 480 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,280 Speaker 2: It is. It is. 481 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:05,199 Speaker 1: I feel like like if you really like look at 482 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:08,280 Speaker 1: different stories or documentaries, like a lot of people are 483 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:09,200 Speaker 1: sucking their family. 484 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:11,200 Speaker 2: Listen, I can't do it. 485 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:15,280 Speaker 3: What in my family? I don't care trackable now, it's 486 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,520 Speaker 3: nobody in my family. I can see myself laying with 487 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:20,560 Speaker 3: I don't even hang out with them too much. You 488 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:25,480 Speaker 3: know what I'm saying, right, you can say you gotta go, 489 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:26,159 Speaker 3: you know what I mean? 490 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:28,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, you should see when I give the niggas in 491 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,880 Speaker 1: my family a hug, I be damping them up and ship. 492 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:34,000 Speaker 2: A little side, little church hug or some shit. 493 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:38,120 Speaker 4: Ain't me like a nigga bro, like no, uh uh. 494 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,400 Speaker 3: Yeah, but you're right, and even on YouTube, I've seen 495 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:41,560 Speaker 3: a lot of stuff more recently. 496 00:22:42,119 --> 00:22:45,639 Speaker 2: Yeah, that's that'shi. It's out there, it is. 497 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,879 Speaker 1: And then you're seeing the people that are born out 498 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:50,080 Speaker 1: of incest sharing these stories and you be like, Yo, 499 00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:51,560 Speaker 1: what the fuck. 500 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:55,439 Speaker 3: That's that's saying because as kids, we don't ask to 501 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:58,720 Speaker 3: be here, you know what I mean? And you know, 502 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,800 Speaker 3: and I've heard that you can have these formities and 503 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:02,880 Speaker 3: all kinds of shit, you know. 504 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:05,359 Speaker 4: Them chromosomes get to act in the same check. 505 00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:07,280 Speaker 2: That. 506 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:13,040 Speaker 1: Yeah, but you also mentioned that you feel like molestation 507 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:15,840 Speaker 1: is a general generational curse within your family. 508 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:17,680 Speaker 4: Do you still doing that? 509 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:19,920 Speaker 2: I do, And I feel. 510 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:21,600 Speaker 1: Like I feel like a lot of black people feel 511 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,040 Speaker 1: like that. He said what I feel like a lot 512 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:25,160 Speaker 1: of black people feel like that. 513 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,440 Speaker 3: I do too, But it's it's a lot of shit 514 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:32,120 Speaker 3: beyond I think even molestations, that's generational curses too, you. 515 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:32,560 Speaker 2: Know what I'm saying. 516 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:36,679 Speaker 3: Facts even because like me being a codependent, you know, 517 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,880 Speaker 3: and struggle with codependen say, I have to watch myself 518 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,760 Speaker 3: that I don't teach my son those traits too, so 519 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:45,240 Speaker 3: he's not just down the line messing with some bitch 520 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:48,800 Speaker 3: that's manipulative or hurtful to him, because I be damn. 521 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:49,080 Speaker 2: You know what I mean. 522 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,800 Speaker 3: By then I'm ready to fight you, you know what I mean. 523 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,560 Speaker 3: So I have to catch myself. 524 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:55,200 Speaker 2: I do. 525 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,919 Speaker 3: But I definitely think it's a generational thing because I just, 526 00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,760 Speaker 3: for the life of me, don't understand why my mom 527 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:03,399 Speaker 3: would do that to me, other than maybe it was 528 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:04,920 Speaker 3: done to her, you know what I mean. 529 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,600 Speaker 2: I just I just can't. I can't see it right. 530 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,480 Speaker 4: And why did you blame yourself? Because I know that self. 531 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:16,840 Speaker 1: Blame is a very common thing amongst the survivors, But 532 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:18,639 Speaker 1: why did you feel the need to do that with 533 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:20,160 Speaker 1: yourself in your situation. 534 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:22,280 Speaker 3: When you were raised in such a way where you're 535 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:25,439 Speaker 3: constantly told that you're bad, you just easily take, you 536 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:28,760 Speaker 3: know what I'm saying, to blame for everything, which is why, 537 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:30,320 Speaker 3: you know, even when I got in my twenties, and 538 00:24:30,359 --> 00:24:32,560 Speaker 3: like I said, I was in these narcissistic friendships with 539 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,200 Speaker 3: these older women and stuff like that, it was easy 540 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,199 Speaker 3: for me to stay in those friendships because they were 541 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:39,119 Speaker 3: constantly saying that I was a problem in stuff and 542 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:40,040 Speaker 3: what you was used to. 543 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:43,280 Speaker 2: Yeah. So I was just like, Okay, well I guess I. 544 00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:47,000 Speaker 3: Am what it costs depression in me et bononam. 545 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,919 Speaker 2: I'm not gonna lie. It costs for a lot of depression. 546 00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:54,160 Speaker 3: And I started to find myself ay is of people 547 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:56,959 Speaker 3: that were happy and stuff. And it wasn't until I 548 00:24:56,960 --> 00:25:00,000 Speaker 3: got that started against therapy and really getting into god 549 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,840 Speaker 3: the age of twenty nine and I realized, wait a minute, No, 550 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:06,560 Speaker 3: this isn't my you know, my blame to carry. And 551 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,080 Speaker 3: I'm not even gonna sit here and blame my mom either, 552 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:12,359 Speaker 3: simply because just like you said. 553 00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:14,920 Speaker 2: Hurt people, hurt people. Fact, you know what I. 554 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:19,240 Speaker 3: Mean, if she had access to the theraphy and the 555 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,800 Speaker 3: support system like I had, Like I have a wonderful husband. 556 00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:22,919 Speaker 2: You know, I'm not gonna I don't know how the 557 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:23,680 Speaker 2: fuck I got him. 558 00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:27,159 Speaker 3: I really don't, because that shit going on, you know, 559 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:30,359 Speaker 3: you know what I mean. He usually ended up with 560 00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,639 Speaker 3: you know, a crazy ass dude, But I ended up 561 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:34,000 Speaker 3: with him. 562 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:36,119 Speaker 2: Shit, you really liked me when I was in my 563 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:37,760 Speaker 2: walk up plate. 564 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:39,919 Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean that's a real man, right, that's a 565 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:40,320 Speaker 4: good man. 566 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:40,680 Speaker 5: Yeah. 567 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:44,600 Speaker 2: I don't know what he was attracted. So I'm like, 568 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:47,720 Speaker 2: you must just like fucking crazy ass girl, you know 569 00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:48,160 Speaker 2: what I mean. 570 00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:51,719 Speaker 3: But he he been with me, you know, shit, we've 571 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:54,840 Speaker 3: been together since I was twenty one, late twenty one, 572 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:56,520 Speaker 3: twenty two, so fifteen years. 573 00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:58,439 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm sorry, I got subject. 574 00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,560 Speaker 1: I'm talking about your relationship with your husband. But kudos 575 00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:05,000 Speaker 1: to him, because thank god, he gave you grace. 576 00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:07,760 Speaker 2: Okay, thank god for that. 577 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:09,600 Speaker 4: Yeah, because a lot of people are gonna give you 578 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:10,719 Speaker 4: that while you're on your journey. 579 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:13,560 Speaker 3: Yeah, and he was one of the first people I 580 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 3: told about my experience, you know, post therapy. He didn't 581 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,119 Speaker 3: judge me or make me feel bad, you know what 582 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:21,840 Speaker 3: I mean. And he didn't judge my mom either. At 583 00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:24,439 Speaker 3: the time, you know, I was just so you know, 584 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,919 Speaker 3: in my for her mode, but he was always so 585 00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:32,800 Speaker 3: positive and kind of you know, on the same wave 586 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:34,760 Speaker 3: length that you are. You know, hey, well, what does 587 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:39,040 Speaker 3: she go through that made her do it? I'm like, damn, dude, 588 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,359 Speaker 3: thankful for that because I needed that balance and I 589 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:45,080 Speaker 3: will credit him for help and me get. 590 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,560 Speaker 2: Past my experience. 591 00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:48,080 Speaker 4: Yeah, that's amazing. 592 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:50,159 Speaker 3: Even though you want to hear something funny, but I 593 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,320 Speaker 3: didn't tell him about my YouTube channel until last night, 594 00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:55,240 Speaker 3: and I only told him because I needed him and 595 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,639 Speaker 3: my son to leave the house so it could be 596 00:26:57,720 --> 00:26:59,200 Speaker 3: quiet enough for me to do the video. 597 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:04,720 Speaker 2: And he was proud. He was stopped that I did it, 598 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,439 Speaker 2: you know what I mean. But he was like, oh ship, 599 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,879 Speaker 2: He was like, what you so? 600 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:14,080 Speaker 3: And I didn't tell him because I think that was 601 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:17,160 Speaker 3: just being still feeling a bit of shame of course. Yeah, 602 00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:21,199 Speaker 3: but yeah, I told him. Now, I ain't gonna sit 603 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:23,119 Speaker 3: here and say I don't showed him the YouTube channel. 604 00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,320 Speaker 4: We know he can find it now. 605 00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, he probably gonna find this shit. 606 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:30,040 Speaker 3: But but I purposely didn't put my actual name in 607 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:31,600 Speaker 3: there so he might not, you know what I mean. 608 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:34,920 Speaker 2: But I'll eventually show it to him. 609 00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,000 Speaker 3: He's not the type of person that will pry, so 610 00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,199 Speaker 3: I don't have to worry about him, like, you know, 611 00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:40,840 Speaker 3: pressuring me to do that. 612 00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:41,520 Speaker 2: Type of thing. 613 00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:45,719 Speaker 1: Way your son name is, Yeah, that's so crazy. I 614 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:49,280 Speaker 1: wanted to name my child, but a bit stol my 615 00:27:49,359 --> 00:27:49,960 Speaker 1: child's name. 616 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:50,480 Speaker 2: And had a baby. 617 00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:54,560 Speaker 1: I was like this, bitch, oh yeah, that ass I 618 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:59,600 Speaker 1: love the name that I hate nas child And she 619 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:02,040 Speaker 1: probably to this podcast to hay n as bitch. 620 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:07,600 Speaker 4: AnyWho, what did I do. 621 00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:13,920 Speaker 1: Now, your mom got kidney failure in ninth grade, So 622 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,800 Speaker 1: how did everything influence that? Because I you it was 623 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:18,639 Speaker 1: one video you mentioned that you kind of like just 624 00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:21,680 Speaker 1: it was like fuck school and you would take care 625 00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:22,000 Speaker 1: of her. 626 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:27,560 Speaker 2: I was it dramatically changed my life? 627 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:31,760 Speaker 3: I can imagine I had that caretaker role at home 628 00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:33,920 Speaker 3: in general. Like I said, I would do my sister's hair. 629 00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:36,720 Speaker 3: Shit did I did her dawn homework too for the 630 00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:40,840 Speaker 3: most part. But my mom would have dialysis on Tuesday, 631 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:44,680 Speaker 3: Thursdays and Saturdays, and she would wait to pick her 632 00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:47,720 Speaker 3: up from not the dialysis, but she would ride like 633 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:49,560 Speaker 3: a are you familiar with like pair of transit? 634 00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:50,680 Speaker 2: I don't know if you guys have that. 635 00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:51,200 Speaker 4: What's that? 636 00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:57,560 Speaker 2: It's like a like like a van kind of. 637 00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:59,080 Speaker 4: Like, oh, they come and picked them up. 638 00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:01,280 Speaker 3: Yeah, but you know, like the bands to come pick 639 00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:03,360 Speaker 3: up the people in like the wheel terrace or like that. 640 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:04,600 Speaker 2: Yeah. 641 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:07,360 Speaker 3: So they would drop her off around the corner from home. 642 00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:08,560 Speaker 3: I don't know why the hell they didn't bring her 643 00:29:08,560 --> 00:29:10,040 Speaker 3: all the way home so I home. 644 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:11,800 Speaker 2: Shit, I don't know. 645 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:13,680 Speaker 3: I don't know why I didn't bring her ass home. 646 00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:15,960 Speaker 3: But for all I know, I ain't gonna lie. Sometimes 647 00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:17,680 Speaker 3: I look back in hindsight and I don't know if 648 00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:20,080 Speaker 3: she set that up like that so I would have 649 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:21,640 Speaker 3: to be in school. I'm being honest, you know what 650 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:23,960 Speaker 3: I'm saying. I look back now and see that she 651 00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:28,000 Speaker 3: was sort of sabotaging, you know what I mean, my livelihood. 652 00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:30,040 Speaker 2: So I don't know, you know what I mean, I 653 00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:30,640 Speaker 2: really don't know. 654 00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:33,880 Speaker 3: But they would drop her off around the corner at 655 00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:35,600 Speaker 3: like an elementary school, and so I would take care 656 00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:38,000 Speaker 3: car and drive it around the corner and pick her up. 657 00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:40,840 Speaker 3: So I always had to basically be in place. So 658 00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:42,880 Speaker 3: I didn't go to school on the days and she 659 00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:45,040 Speaker 3: had the dialysis, so I never went to school on Tuesdays 660 00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:48,000 Speaker 3: and Thursdays. And if she was quote unquote sick enough 661 00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:50,600 Speaker 3: that next day, I couldn't go to school on Wednesdays either, 662 00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:55,960 Speaker 3: So my grades just fell behind. I never went to prom, 663 00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:59,800 Speaker 3: I never had any of those like childhood high school experiences. 664 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,560 Speaker 2: We went to a game, homecoming, none of that shit. 665 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:06,240 Speaker 1: So you know what's so crazy, because like in my situation, 666 00:30:06,360 --> 00:30:08,280 Speaker 1: I was physically abused by my mother. And I'm talking 667 00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:09,840 Speaker 1: about like she used to beat my ass, Like I 668 00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:11,960 Speaker 1: used to go to school like black eyes, bustle lifts 669 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:12,560 Speaker 1: all types of shit. 670 00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:12,840 Speaker 5: Right. 671 00:30:13,120 --> 00:30:15,200 Speaker 4: So when I'm here, yeah, thank you. 672 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:17,160 Speaker 1: So when I'm hearing your story and I think about 673 00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:19,480 Speaker 1: my story, I'm like, damn, ain't nobody noticed this shit? 674 00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:24,080 Speaker 4: Like y'all really teaching that big like man, you. 675 00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:27,320 Speaker 2: Know what I mean? Like it's even what the right 676 00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:28,480 Speaker 2: Like in your case they. 677 00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:30,600 Speaker 4: Saw it right right, and then in your case they 678 00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:31,880 Speaker 4: didn't see you. 679 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:34,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, nobody, girl, nobody ever fucking followed up. 680 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:37,080 Speaker 3: Nobody cared, you know what I mean. Well, I don't 681 00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:38,960 Speaker 3: know if they didn't care, well, I was just overlooked. 682 00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:42,160 Speaker 2: I don't know. I don't know, but I'll tell you 683 00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:43,840 Speaker 2: one thing that God has blessed me. 684 00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:45,880 Speaker 5: Bless me. 685 00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:00,240 Speaker 2: Even though I have a. 686 00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:02,720 Speaker 3: High school of plumb end up getting a ged shit, 687 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:06,520 Speaker 3: He's blessed me with management positions for the last seven 688 00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:08,960 Speaker 3: or eight years, and I should I've been making money, 689 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:09,960 Speaker 3: like I graduated from college. 690 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:11,320 Speaker 2: Girl, I ain't even sen to here a lot to you. 691 00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:11,840 Speaker 4: Come on. 692 00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:16,080 Speaker 2: Us, you know what I mean, I really will. 693 00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:18,600 Speaker 4: Now that's okay, No. 694 00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:22,000 Speaker 3: Weapon formed against you can prosper. So she did sabotage 695 00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:24,200 Speaker 3: me and prevented me from going to school. So I 696 00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:25,960 Speaker 3: could do whatever she wanted me to do. It did 697 00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:27,520 Speaker 3: absolutely nothing in the long run. 698 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:29,920 Speaker 4: M Facts Facts. 699 00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:33,000 Speaker 1: Now, how has the abuse from your mother affected your 700 00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:38,360 Speaker 1: sense of self worth and self esteem? I think it's 701 00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:41,240 Speaker 1: gotten to a better place now, you know, Like I said, 702 00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:45,760 Speaker 1: with the therapy and with having a better relationship with God. 703 00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:50,000 Speaker 1: In the past, I just more than anything, I just 704 00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:52,400 Speaker 1: felt like a bad person, you know what I mean. 705 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:56,040 Speaker 1: And I just I didn't really know how to handle rejection. 706 00:31:56,680 --> 00:32:00,720 Speaker 3: So life honestly was just unbearable until I I started 707 00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:01,200 Speaker 3: to get help. 708 00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:02,000 Speaker 2: Right. 709 00:32:03,440 --> 00:32:07,200 Speaker 1: You also spoke about having seasons of being overly sexual 710 00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:11,200 Speaker 1: and that one time you were obsessed with sex. Could 711 00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:13,320 Speaker 1: you elaborate on how the abuse you experience may have 712 00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:16,160 Speaker 1: influenced your choices in that regard. And when I was 713 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:18,480 Speaker 1: watching your video, I'm like, nah, this bitch was not 714 00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:20,720 Speaker 1: having sex with niggas, three four niggas in one day. 715 00:32:22,880 --> 00:32:24,240 Speaker 2: I was enjoying it. 716 00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:28,000 Speaker 4: Okay, come on, now, come on. 717 00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:30,720 Speaker 2: Yes, I was enjoying it. My mom was just so 718 00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:35,360 Speaker 2: sexual in general, you know what I mean. I have 719 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:36,560 Speaker 2: not said this on YouTube. 720 00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:39,800 Speaker 3: She technically taught me out to suck dick, but she 721 00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:42,920 Speaker 3: did with a banana what's a banana? 722 00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:47,760 Speaker 2: She did it, and she just I don't know. 723 00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:50,920 Speaker 3: When I got like to like the age of fifteen sixteen, 724 00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:52,760 Speaker 3: she would say shit like, you know, you don't have 725 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:54,920 Speaker 3: a man and stuff like that. When I was your age, 726 00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:56,680 Speaker 3: I had two or three niggas. 727 00:32:56,400 --> 00:32:57,840 Speaker 2: And blah blah blah blah blah blah. 728 00:32:58,160 --> 00:32:59,920 Speaker 3: So I believe a lot of me being promissed you 729 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:02,840 Speaker 3: was trying to compete with my mom and feeling like 730 00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:05,560 Speaker 3: if I wasn't out in the. 731 00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:07,440 Speaker 2: Streets, and and and and and. 732 00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:11,080 Speaker 3: Fucking for lack of a better words, that I wasn't appealing, 733 00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:11,880 Speaker 3: you know what I mean. 734 00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:13,800 Speaker 2: So that's and the. 735 00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:15,960 Speaker 4: Other end was how you equal yourself worth? 736 00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:19,360 Speaker 3: Yeah, and a lot of us having insecurities and stuff 737 00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:22,280 Speaker 3: like that, you know, feeling unattractive because you know, I 738 00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:23,960 Speaker 3: struggled with act me for a long time. 739 00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:28,240 Speaker 2: Shit, I was plus sized, you know what I mean. 740 00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:32,520 Speaker 3: So if you said hey to me, I was like, 741 00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:35,080 Speaker 3: you know, I was the one initiating the sex and 742 00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:37,600 Speaker 3: stuff like that. So that's how I came to the 743 00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:40,960 Speaker 3: point where, you know, ship three dudes in one day, 744 00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:48,400 Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying, right, But shit, I just 745 00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:52,360 Speaker 3: thank God every day that I didn't get you. Yeah, 746 00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:53,600 Speaker 3: like I never. 747 00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:56,680 Speaker 2: Didn't catch any s CDs, didn't catch a shit, you 748 00:33:56,720 --> 00:33:58,000 Speaker 2: know what I mean. It was a couple of pregnancy 749 00:33:58,040 --> 00:33:58,880 Speaker 2: scares here and there. 750 00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:01,920 Speaker 3: But I'm just so grateful to God because I know 751 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:04,360 Speaker 3: the way I was out there freaking like, it could 752 00:34:04,360 --> 00:34:06,400 Speaker 3: have went a whole other way. And that's how I 753 00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:08,480 Speaker 3: know he has plans for my life, you know what 754 00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:09,919 Speaker 3: I mean, Because he could have killed me. He could 755 00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:12,720 Speaker 3: have you know what I mean. I remember one incident 756 00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:13,680 Speaker 3: walking home from. 757 00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:15,799 Speaker 2: School, I got into a car with this dude I 758 00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:16,160 Speaker 2: didn't know. 759 00:34:16,239 --> 00:34:18,880 Speaker 3: We ended up having sex unprotected, and then he just 760 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:22,080 Speaker 3: dropped me off back where he fucking picked me up. 761 00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:26,080 Speaker 3: He didn't have a decency to take me home. I 762 00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:28,000 Speaker 3: remember having sex with this one dude at the age 763 00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:31,360 Speaker 3: of seventeen. He had took me to like I don't know, 764 00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:33,920 Speaker 3: one of his relatives' house or something like that, and 765 00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:36,279 Speaker 3: my dumb ass, I had sex with this dude like 766 00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:37,360 Speaker 3: in the basement, like in the. 767 00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:40,239 Speaker 2: Living room, and I as we were having. 768 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:42,080 Speaker 3: Sex, I can hear people snickering, and I'm like, Oh, 769 00:34:42,120 --> 00:34:44,080 Speaker 3: it's people actually fucking watching us. 770 00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:44,640 Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying. 771 00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:48,160 Speaker 3: So Wow, dirty ass, you know what I mean. But 772 00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:52,160 Speaker 3: what really slowed me down was my husband. I'll be 773 00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:54,440 Speaker 3: honest with you, you know what I mean. He became just 774 00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:57,960 Speaker 3: a good friend of mine and I just I don't know, 775 00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:01,960 Speaker 3: I don't know, just shit, I didn't want to have 776 00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:03,480 Speaker 3: sex to nobody but him, you know what I mean. 777 00:35:04,360 --> 00:35:05,880 Speaker 2: That's just how it's been ever since. 778 00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:09,200 Speaker 1: What was it about your husband that made you slow down? Like, 779 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:11,520 Speaker 1: did he do something different? Did he approach you differently 780 00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:13,000 Speaker 1: than the other guys, or like. 781 00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:18,840 Speaker 2: I think the older I get. 782 00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:21,759 Speaker 3: I think what separated him from the other guys is 783 00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:24,200 Speaker 3: that he actually liked me, you know what I mean. 784 00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:27,040 Speaker 3: He didn't just want to have sex, you know what 785 00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:30,440 Speaker 3: I mean, you know, I want just another. 786 00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:31,080 Speaker 2: Number on his list. 787 00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:34,320 Speaker 3: He actually liked me, and he didn't approach me with sex. 788 00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:36,799 Speaker 3: We actually didn't have sex until we were together for. 789 00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:38,839 Speaker 2: A couple of months, you know what I mean. Like 790 00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:40,759 Speaker 2: he was, he was very romantic. 791 00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:42,480 Speaker 3: He took his time with me, you know, we went 792 00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:44,719 Speaker 3: out on dates and stuff like that, and then you know, 793 00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:48,440 Speaker 3: sex just kind of naturally became a part of the process. 794 00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:54,640 Speaker 3: So that's really what separated him from the crowd, just him, 795 00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:58,320 Speaker 3: him liking me and shit. 796 00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:00,319 Speaker 2: Like I supod earlier. 797 00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:02,440 Speaker 3: I don't know what he saw, what he's thawing in 798 00:36:02,520 --> 00:36:04,840 Speaker 3: me at that time, but shit, maybe the dude just 799 00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:06,239 Speaker 3: saw my potential, you know what I mean? 800 00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:08,319 Speaker 2: I don't I don't know. I don't know. 801 00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:11,919 Speaker 3: But my husband has always been my like, my biggest thing, 802 00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:15,000 Speaker 3: Like anything I do, one thing about that nigga got 803 00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:15,440 Speaker 3: bought back. 804 00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:19,200 Speaker 4: Okay, come on, come on, we love a good black 805 00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:19,839 Speaker 4: king now. 806 00:36:20,840 --> 00:36:21,520 Speaker 2: Yeah, definitely. 807 00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:25,839 Speaker 3: So I'm like, know what something eventually i' might Why not? 808 00:36:26,000 --> 00:36:27,680 Speaker 3: I ain't got nothing to lose. You said you might 809 00:36:27,719 --> 00:36:30,320 Speaker 3: do what put him in a video or something. Eventually, 810 00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:31,399 Speaker 3: I don't have nothing to lose. 811 00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:32,440 Speaker 4: No, you should. 812 00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:34,719 Speaker 1: I think that with your story and where you at 813 00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:36,240 Speaker 1: now in life, I think it's. 814 00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:37,280 Speaker 4: Gonna really get people hope. 815 00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:41,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, because it's hard to find good people. That's 816 00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:42,759 Speaker 1: not gonna judge you, that's not gonna throw it in 817 00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:44,040 Speaker 1: your face and remind. 818 00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:44,880 Speaker 4: You of who you were. 819 00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:47,720 Speaker 1: So yeah, I'm really happy for you, because everybody deserves 820 00:36:47,719 --> 00:36:49,360 Speaker 1: to be loved the way that they want to be loved. 821 00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,560 Speaker 2: You're right, You're right, You're definitely right about that. 822 00:36:52,719 --> 00:36:55,200 Speaker 3: Even though I'm still trying to throw out how I 823 00:36:55,239 --> 00:36:57,120 Speaker 3: want to be loved, because you know they talk about 824 00:36:57,120 --> 00:36:58,879 Speaker 3: the different love languages and shit like. 825 00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:00,000 Speaker 4: Yeah, I want all of them. 826 00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:06,879 Speaker 2: For a long time, I did not like being touched, but. 827 00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:08,319 Speaker 4: That's my obvious reasons though. 828 00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:12,920 Speaker 3: Yes, but I've found as I've gotten older, I honestly 829 00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:16,680 Speaker 3: believe physical touch is my fucking love language because I 830 00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:19,800 Speaker 3: just all the time fish. More recently, I just craz hugs, 831 00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:22,200 Speaker 3: you know what I mean, like just embrace. And I 832 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:26,480 Speaker 3: found myself at work just hugging my employees. 833 00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:28,480 Speaker 2: And stuff like that. So I just I don't know. 834 00:37:28,480 --> 00:37:31,040 Speaker 3: I think I like physical touch, I really do, but 835 00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:34,960 Speaker 3: I think that she made me scared of it. 836 00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:39,200 Speaker 2: I touch with hurt, but now I just should. I 837 00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:39,759 Speaker 2: wanna hug. 838 00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:42,040 Speaker 3: If I could, I would jump through this goddamn fall 839 00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:45,200 Speaker 3: you okay, And I want to those. 840 00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:47,359 Speaker 2: People I don' want to let go. So she's gonna 841 00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:48,960 Speaker 2: be awf gonna let me go. 842 00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:52,239 Speaker 3: No, I'm always go ass until I feel like you're 843 00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:53,160 Speaker 3: ready for me to release. 844 00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:55,560 Speaker 1: Now I'm a hugger too. I hugged this white lady 845 00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:58,560 Speaker 1: at work today. She was like, I'm like, sorry, girl'ma hugger. 846 00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:01,640 Speaker 2: We'd be standing in that corner for ten minutes. 847 00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:04,960 Speaker 1: But you know what, that's also probably another way of 848 00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:08,520 Speaker 1: you like reconditioning yourself and changing a negative to something 849 00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:11,080 Speaker 1: positive and you starting to and learn new things. 850 00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:14,959 Speaker 2: I can see that. Yeah. I met a guy at 851 00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:17,239 Speaker 2: my job a couple of years ago. 852 00:38:17,239 --> 00:38:20,239 Speaker 3: I used to manage an edible arrangements at one of 853 00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:23,120 Speaker 3: my employees. He was so touchy feeling. He used to 854 00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:25,279 Speaker 3: get on my nerves. Every time he passed by, he 855 00:38:25,360 --> 00:38:27,440 Speaker 3: like touched me on the shoulder. Well, he ended up 856 00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:30,640 Speaker 3: quitting and then I missed this touch and that's really 857 00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:33,720 Speaker 3: what made me realize, oh shit, I kind of actually. 858 00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:35,440 Speaker 2: Liked people touching me. I don't know. 859 00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:37,480 Speaker 3: Every passed by and he would tap my shoulder or 860 00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:38,439 Speaker 3: asked me how I was doing. 861 00:38:39,040 --> 00:38:41,759 Speaker 2: I really like reassuring me, you know what I mean? 862 00:38:41,960 --> 00:38:43,680 Speaker 2: M oh yeah. 863 00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:46,520 Speaker 3: I I credit that dude for helping me realize that 864 00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:47,759 Speaker 3: that's what I'm okay with. 865 00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:49,960 Speaker 2: I like, why not too for you? 866 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:55,560 Speaker 1: And Also you also said that you were addicted to masturbating, 867 00:38:55,719 --> 00:38:58,040 Speaker 1: and I'm like, did she introduce that to you as well? 868 00:38:59,400 --> 00:39:01,920 Speaker 2: I wouldn't say she introduced me to masturbation, but I 869 00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:03,440 Speaker 2: will say she introduced me to porn. 870 00:39:03,880 --> 00:39:06,520 Speaker 3: Yeah, she did, you know, showing me some of her 871 00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:08,840 Speaker 3: old porn takes and stuff like that, and some. 872 00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:12,560 Speaker 2: Was wow, man, wow, you know what she was. 873 00:39:13,400 --> 00:39:16,680 Speaker 3: But can you see how as a middle school or 874 00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:19,879 Speaker 3: high schooler I thought that she was my friend. I mean, 875 00:39:19,920 --> 00:39:23,120 Speaker 3: of course, you know, because of the conversations. And I 876 00:39:23,160 --> 00:39:25,840 Speaker 3: feel bad too because I brought friends over, you know 877 00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:27,640 Speaker 3: what I mean, and she was having those conversations in 878 00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:29,719 Speaker 3: front of them too, which might be the reason why 879 00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:32,120 Speaker 3: everybody was like, Oh, your mom's cool and shit like that. 880 00:39:32,200 --> 00:39:33,640 Speaker 3: I can see that now because they're like, oh shit, 881 00:39:33,880 --> 00:39:35,560 Speaker 3: I'm not talking about this at home, you know what 882 00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:36,880 Speaker 3: I mean. But I can come over the South, we 883 00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:39,759 Speaker 3: can talk about sex and her mom let us watch 884 00:39:39,760 --> 00:39:40,680 Speaker 3: some porn, you know. 885 00:39:40,719 --> 00:39:43,000 Speaker 2: And stuff like that, because that's just how she was. 886 00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:47,680 Speaker 3: But I just was overly just sexual in general, even 887 00:39:47,719 --> 00:39:51,520 Speaker 3: my own I found myself, especially in my early twenties, 888 00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:54,320 Speaker 3: like my conversations were always like about sex and stuff 889 00:39:54,320 --> 00:39:54,640 Speaker 3: like that. 890 00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:55,359 Speaker 2: I had to. 891 00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:59,120 Speaker 3: Realize, like, shit, it's more things to talk about than sex, you. 892 00:39:59,160 --> 00:39:59,600 Speaker 2: Know what I mean. 893 00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:01,240 Speaker 4: You're more than just your body. 894 00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:06,400 Speaker 2: Yeah, but at the time I didn't know. But the 895 00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:07,320 Speaker 2: masturbation of dation. 896 00:40:07,440 --> 00:40:07,600 Speaker 3: Girl. 897 00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:10,360 Speaker 2: I'm so glad I kicked that because it's so weird, 898 00:40:10,480 --> 00:40:12,800 Speaker 2: Like I would, I would, I would do it, and 899 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:13,319 Speaker 2: then I would. 900 00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:15,280 Speaker 3: I don't know if you've ever masturbated before and wondered 901 00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:17,200 Speaker 3: if the people that you do that were dead were 902 00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:18,200 Speaker 3: watching your ass. 903 00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:20,960 Speaker 4: Yeah. 904 00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:24,960 Speaker 1: So I've been selligated for like, you know what I mean. 905 00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:27,160 Speaker 1: So I've been selligated for like three or four years? 906 00:40:27,160 --> 00:40:30,440 Speaker 4: Is that right? And you know, every now and then, 907 00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:31,760 Speaker 4: you know, get. 908 00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:34,400 Speaker 1: My rock soft gets a little rock and I just 909 00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:36,120 Speaker 1: be like, damn, I hope my nan, I'm not looking 910 00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:36,920 Speaker 1: at this ship man. 911 00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:42,120 Speaker 3: Yeah, so that's definitely one of the things that that 912 00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:44,319 Speaker 3: stopped me that and god, you know what I mean. 913 00:40:44,680 --> 00:40:46,840 Speaker 4: But do you think masturbation is is wrong? 914 00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:50,520 Speaker 3: No, I don't think it's wrong, but I think the 915 00:40:50,640 --> 00:40:54,160 Speaker 3: lost portion is you know what I mean. I don't 916 00:40:54,160 --> 00:40:56,680 Speaker 3: think pleasant in yourself is wrong, but I think when 917 00:40:56,680 --> 00:40:59,200 Speaker 3: it talks to the point where you have to you 918 00:40:59,239 --> 00:41:02,120 Speaker 3: know what I mean, you constantly living in lust, It's like, 919 00:41:02,120 --> 00:41:05,760 Speaker 3: how can you really focus on more important things? 920 00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:06,360 Speaker 2: Right? 921 00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:09,920 Speaker 3: Plus, I don't think it says anything byfically about masturbation 922 00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:11,560 Speaker 3: only how lust, you know what I mean? 923 00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:13,320 Speaker 2: How we shouldn't get caught up in lusts and stuff 924 00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:13,840 Speaker 2: like that. 925 00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:17,759 Speaker 1: Right, Yo, I interviewed a girl. She shared her masturbation 926 00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:21,279 Speaker 1: story or her masturbation addiction story, and she was saying 927 00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:23,680 Speaker 1: the same thing because she's very religious, right, And she 928 00:41:23,760 --> 00:41:25,279 Speaker 1: was saying the same thing that you was saying about 929 00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:27,920 Speaker 1: the whole lust thing. And she was saying how because 930 00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:31,760 Speaker 1: she was the lust was so it was so big 931 00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:34,160 Speaker 1: that she started becoming attractive to women. 932 00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:38,799 Speaker 3: I had that similar experience too, But I'll tell you, 933 00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:41,840 Speaker 3: and this might be sort of taboo. I got so 934 00:41:42,040 --> 00:41:45,600 Speaker 3: deeply involved, like in masturbation because I had a point 935 00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:49,759 Speaker 3: of addiction that went alongside it that I only and 936 00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:52,600 Speaker 3: I should have talked to and I might go back 937 00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:53,719 Speaker 3: to therap you talk about this. 938 00:41:53,840 --> 00:41:56,280 Speaker 2: For one, I can only watch white porn. 939 00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:01,640 Speaker 4: You know what's so funny? You niggas in port Okay. 940 00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:01,520 Speaker 5: So. 941 00:42:05,560 --> 00:42:07,440 Speaker 2: I need my ship to be still a batic, you 942 00:42:07,480 --> 00:42:09,839 Speaker 2: know what I mean? Like I'm a high class bitch, 943 00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:10,040 Speaker 2: you know. 944 00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:13,800 Speaker 3: Right, like myself. I'm watching some high class you know 945 00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:14,160 Speaker 3: what I mean? 946 00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:17,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, Like I feel like when I'm having sex, I 947 00:42:17,239 --> 00:42:18,920 Speaker 1: be all sexy and ship. I feel like the niggas 948 00:42:18,920 --> 00:42:21,520 Speaker 1: in Poor It be Gattle, like I need some ship 949 00:42:21,560 --> 00:42:23,760 Speaker 1: that's gonna give the theater, like I need a Michigan 950 00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:26,400 Speaker 1: give me some dialogue, like build a scene up. 951 00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:31,240 Speaker 2: There you go and go a step further. 952 00:42:31,600 --> 00:42:34,719 Speaker 3: I became addicted to gay porn to more specifically mail 953 00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:35,479 Speaker 3: on mail form. 954 00:42:35,760 --> 00:42:36,480 Speaker 2: I don't know where. 955 00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:39,600 Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't know where that came from. I got 956 00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:42,040 Speaker 3: addicted to it bad. It's like it's like ship I 957 00:42:42,160 --> 00:42:44,040 Speaker 3: had to watch to be in do the booty. 958 00:42:44,360 --> 00:42:48,960 Speaker 2: I don't know why, girl, I want to do the 959 00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:50,960 Speaker 2: booty one last time? 960 00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:53,959 Speaker 1: You heard that, Yo, that's an old that's some dance 961 00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:55,000 Speaker 1: of old school saying. 962 00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:58,040 Speaker 2: I've been telling fucking the whole time that I want 963 00:42:58,080 --> 00:42:58,640 Speaker 2: to switch it up. 964 00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:03,200 Speaker 1: And but well, that's interesting because I feel like a 965 00:43:03,239 --> 00:43:06,000 Speaker 1: lot of people, a lot of women are more prone 966 00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:09,440 Speaker 1: to watching gay like lesbian porn, because every now and 967 00:43:09,440 --> 00:43:11,360 Speaker 1: then I'm not attracted to women, but I know what 968 00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:13,279 Speaker 1: it feels like for a woman to climax because I'm 969 00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:15,719 Speaker 1: a woman, So I'll watch that more than I watch 970 00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:16,640 Speaker 1: like man or man. 971 00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:19,520 Speaker 4: I'm like, nah, I can't. 972 00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:21,080 Speaker 2: Get into the lesbian porn. I don't know. 973 00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:23,000 Speaker 3: I think for me, I think it was just like 974 00:43:25,200 --> 00:43:27,879 Speaker 3: watching another band like just dominate another man. 975 00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:31,360 Speaker 2: I think for me, it was just like, oh right, 976 00:43:32,560 --> 00:43:35,440 Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I don't know. 977 00:43:35,600 --> 00:43:37,560 Speaker 3: I don't know, but it was it was it was 978 00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:41,719 Speaker 3: watching that and it was watching white only porn. I 979 00:43:41,719 --> 00:43:43,800 Speaker 3: can try to diagnose myself and say maybe I was 980 00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:46,160 Speaker 3: struggling with some identity issues or something to either be 981 00:43:46,520 --> 00:43:48,879 Speaker 3: you know, watching that type of porn, but I don't. 982 00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:49,719 Speaker 2: I don't know. 983 00:43:49,760 --> 00:43:51,719 Speaker 4: I can't take no nigga porn. 984 00:43:51,800 --> 00:43:55,120 Speaker 3: Yiall, Yeah, now that's definitely I need some high class 985 00:43:55,120 --> 00:43:57,160 Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying, Like, I don't need that. 986 00:43:58,320 --> 00:43:59,920 Speaker 2: Even Spielberg, God damn you know. 987 00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:04,759 Speaker 1: So I'm pretty sure that because of your past, it 988 00:44:04,840 --> 00:44:08,040 Speaker 1: has been definitely definitely difficult for you to trust anyone. 989 00:44:09,000 --> 00:44:11,719 Speaker 1: H How were you able to overcome that or are 990 00:44:11,719 --> 00:44:13,040 Speaker 1: you still having issues with that? 991 00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:16,440 Speaker 2: I'm still having issues daily. I'm not even gonna lie 992 00:44:16,480 --> 00:44:16,799 Speaker 2: to you. 993 00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:20,000 Speaker 3: And I just said, just challenged myself to be more 994 00:44:20,080 --> 00:44:24,000 Speaker 3: homeble just recognized I don't know everything. Fact because even manager, 995 00:44:25,080 --> 00:44:27,440 Speaker 3: like even this week, I had two of my assistant 996 00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:29,799 Speaker 3: managers putting a two weeks notice on the same day 997 00:44:30,360 --> 00:44:32,759 Speaker 3: and that night before I actually and it was ended 998 00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:34,680 Speaker 3: up ended up being a coquestence. But I had spoken 999 00:44:34,680 --> 00:44:37,080 Speaker 3: to the owner and I told him one of the girls, 1000 00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:41,600 Speaker 3: I was kind of you know, I felt like she 1001 00:44:41,800 --> 00:44:43,840 Speaker 3: really didn't deserve the position she was in. She she 1002 00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:46,160 Speaker 3: was an assistant manager before I got there, right, you 1003 00:44:46,160 --> 00:44:49,000 Speaker 3: know what I mean. But I believe that the old 1004 00:44:49,040 --> 00:44:51,279 Speaker 3: general manager that was in position before I got there, 1005 00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:53,080 Speaker 3: I think that they were just friends. 1006 00:44:53,080 --> 00:44:54,560 Speaker 2: So she just promoted her even though she. 1007 00:44:54,520 --> 00:44:58,520 Speaker 3: Was unqualified, and so very next day she put her 1008 00:44:58,560 --> 00:45:00,919 Speaker 3: two weeks notice in along with her friend that works 1009 00:45:00,920 --> 00:45:01,359 Speaker 3: there as well. 1010 00:45:03,600 --> 00:45:06,400 Speaker 2: Yeah. So, but no, me being paranoid. 1011 00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:08,520 Speaker 3: And still struggling with some trust issues, I thought the 1012 00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:11,040 Speaker 3: owner had blasted me out. 1013 00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:11,560 Speaker 2: You know what I mean? 1014 00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:15,239 Speaker 3: So I want to it's off I get there, I'm 1015 00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:18,239 Speaker 3: literally like, man, fuck this place. I sent out and 1016 00:45:18,280 --> 00:45:20,200 Speaker 3: talk to the owner, and really they just they wanted 1017 00:45:20,200 --> 00:45:21,960 Speaker 3: to quit because they wanted to make more money. So 1018 00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:24,200 Speaker 3: we just offered them an extra all that, and they 1019 00:45:24,239 --> 00:45:27,719 Speaker 3: both retracted there two weeks notice. But the point is, 1020 00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:31,080 Speaker 3: like it still does affect me. I'm always still wondering 1021 00:45:31,080 --> 00:45:33,440 Speaker 3: if somebody is trying to get over on me or 1022 00:45:34,480 --> 00:45:37,520 Speaker 3: just anything, you know what I mean, Right, I am, 1023 00:45:37,840 --> 00:45:39,520 Speaker 3: and I don't know, I don't know how to shake 1024 00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:39,960 Speaker 3: that ship. 1025 00:45:40,719 --> 00:45:43,160 Speaker 2: I really don't because it frustrates me. 1026 00:45:43,520 --> 00:45:47,359 Speaker 3: Because when you think one when you know, when you 1027 00:45:47,400 --> 00:45:49,520 Speaker 3: think a particular way, and then you prove it wrong. 1028 00:45:49,719 --> 00:45:51,839 Speaker 3: Now now left with the guilt of oh fuck, I've 1029 00:45:51,840 --> 00:45:53,680 Speaker 3: been sitting here pissed off for the last thirty minutes 1030 00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:54,879 Speaker 3: and I was fucking wrong, you. 1031 00:45:54,800 --> 00:45:57,160 Speaker 4: Know what I mean, right, So that's who you know, 1032 00:45:57,400 --> 00:45:57,920 Speaker 4: to have. 1033 00:45:57,920 --> 00:46:00,479 Speaker 3: To realize that you're wrong and stuff. So I'm really 1034 00:46:01,600 --> 00:46:03,600 Speaker 3: I don't know, I'm just tired of it. I'm just 1035 00:46:03,640 --> 00:46:28,000 Speaker 3: tired of I wish I believe that everybody. Yoh, I'm 1036 00:46:28,000 --> 00:46:31,520 Speaker 3: not gonna lie these So the past couple of years whatever, 1037 00:46:31,680 --> 00:46:33,560 Speaker 3: a lot of things have happened, and I was just 1038 00:46:33,600 --> 00:46:35,360 Speaker 3: like so fucking stressed out to the point where I 1039 00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:37,200 Speaker 3: literally like I came to God as a woman and 1040 00:46:37,200 --> 00:46:39,600 Speaker 3: I'm like, come on, my God, like like I was 1041 00:46:39,680 --> 00:46:40,800 Speaker 3: just literally like begging. 1042 00:46:41,320 --> 00:46:43,719 Speaker 1: So I was just like, you know, if you can 1043 00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:46,040 Speaker 1: make things happen for me, and I was like, you 1044 00:46:46,080 --> 00:46:48,279 Speaker 1: make things happen for me in a timely manner, you know, 1045 00:46:48,440 --> 00:46:50,719 Speaker 1: I'd be celiment until we both feel like we met 1046 00:46:50,719 --> 00:46:52,120 Speaker 1: somebody that would be good enough for. 1047 00:46:52,080 --> 00:46:55,480 Speaker 4: Me and no, Lie, being obedient. 1048 00:46:55,000 --> 00:46:59,360 Speaker 1: Has been so rewarding, Like I had received everything that 1049 00:46:59,440 --> 00:47:05,960 Speaker 1: my heart can desire. So I always huh huh oh yeah, 1050 00:47:06,200 --> 00:47:08,480 Speaker 1: like everything that I had on my to do list 1051 00:47:08,480 --> 00:47:11,799 Speaker 1: that I was busting my ass for it was like this, 1052 00:47:11,920 --> 00:47:14,600 Speaker 1: like clockwork, Like Boom, I got my new apartment, Boom, 1053 00:47:14,600 --> 00:47:16,840 Speaker 1: I got my network deal, Boom, I got this, I 1054 00:47:16,880 --> 00:47:17,520 Speaker 1: got a new job. 1055 00:47:17,640 --> 00:47:19,799 Speaker 4: Like I'm just like yo, Like God. 1056 00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:22,080 Speaker 1: Is so real, and I be thinking about mad shit 1057 00:47:22,200 --> 00:47:23,719 Speaker 1: I've been through, and I'm pretty sure you can relate 1058 00:47:23,760 --> 00:47:25,920 Speaker 1: to this, and I'm just like, yo, God was always 1059 00:47:25,960 --> 00:47:26,200 Speaker 1: with me. 1060 00:47:27,160 --> 00:47:30,560 Speaker 3: He was, he was, and that's why that's why I 1061 00:47:30,560 --> 00:47:32,280 Speaker 3: can't really be mad at my mom. 1062 00:47:32,760 --> 00:47:34,480 Speaker 2: You know what I mean. I say it was a 1063 00:47:34,480 --> 00:47:38,279 Speaker 2: blessing in disguise. You know, I love my mom. You know, 1064 00:47:38,400 --> 00:47:39,520 Speaker 2: I hate what she did to me. 1065 00:47:39,640 --> 00:47:41,759 Speaker 3: But I love my mom because, like you said, I 1066 00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:43,920 Speaker 3: know that she was hurt. She had to be, you know, 1067 00:47:45,200 --> 00:47:47,239 Speaker 3: like that to feel like it was appropriate. 1068 00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:47,959 Speaker 2: To do what she did. 1069 00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:51,120 Speaker 3: And I also love those older women that hurt me 1070 00:47:51,440 --> 00:47:53,560 Speaker 3: because if it wasn't for them, I would have never 1071 00:47:53,640 --> 00:47:55,680 Speaker 3: went to therapy. And I will never face the fact 1072 00:47:55,719 --> 00:47:57,960 Speaker 3: that my mom did what she did to me. 1073 00:47:58,160 --> 00:47:58,759 Speaker 2: You know what I mean. 1074 00:47:58,880 --> 00:48:02,239 Speaker 3: So everything happens for a reason, it really does, and 1075 00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:03,840 Speaker 3: I just cannot stress enough. 1076 00:48:04,440 --> 00:48:06,480 Speaker 2: Ooh. I might sound like a broken record, but God 1077 00:48:06,560 --> 00:48:06,960 Speaker 2: is good. 1078 00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:10,319 Speaker 4: Nah, real did the same thing I'm looking now and 1079 00:48:10,360 --> 00:48:12,319 Speaker 4: I love that he do. 1080 00:48:12,480 --> 00:48:13,759 Speaker 2: He really does. He does. 1081 00:48:14,320 --> 00:48:14,520 Speaker 5: Now. 1082 00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:17,120 Speaker 4: How has therapy helped you with your healing journey? 1083 00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:19,160 Speaker 1: Because I know you talked about a lot about it, 1084 00:48:19,200 --> 00:48:21,480 Speaker 1: but I feel like therapy also helped me in my 1085 00:48:21,560 --> 00:48:22,479 Speaker 1: journey as well too. 1086 00:48:23,239 --> 00:48:25,120 Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like it helped me. 1087 00:48:27,600 --> 00:48:29,759 Speaker 3: But it did take me a while to open up 1088 00:48:29,960 --> 00:48:32,279 Speaker 3: because of the issues I had with trust, you know 1089 00:48:32,280 --> 00:48:34,719 Speaker 3: what I mean. And I bumped around for a couple 1090 00:48:34,760 --> 00:48:37,680 Speaker 3: of times, you know. First had a female but didn't 1091 00:48:37,680 --> 00:48:39,600 Speaker 3: trust her. Then I had a veil and ended up 1092 00:48:39,600 --> 00:48:43,000 Speaker 3: going right back to a female female therapist because I 1093 00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:44,600 Speaker 3: was like, you know what, nah, I kind of I 1094 00:48:44,680 --> 00:48:46,520 Speaker 3: kind of liked him, you know what I mean. So 1095 00:48:47,080 --> 00:48:51,000 Speaker 3: it's been it's been an incredible journey. I've definitely gained 1096 00:48:51,120 --> 00:48:55,080 Speaker 3: some some good tools, you know what I mean, from therapy, 1097 00:48:55,680 --> 00:48:59,600 Speaker 3: mostly just learning how to manage my feelings, you know. 1098 00:48:59,600 --> 00:49:00,000 Speaker 2: What I mean. 1099 00:49:00,160 --> 00:49:06,000 Speaker 1: When's your birthday, marsh the fourteenth? You piss yes, ma'am. Okay, 1100 00:49:06,080 --> 00:49:07,719 Speaker 1: because I'm February the eighth. 1101 00:49:08,280 --> 00:49:09,360 Speaker 2: Okay, you're the Quarries. 1102 00:49:09,600 --> 00:49:12,560 Speaker 4: Yeah, I feel like you, saund just like me. 1103 00:49:13,880 --> 00:49:14,400 Speaker 2: My husband. 1104 00:49:15,840 --> 00:49:17,680 Speaker 3: I have a cousin who's an Aquarius suit. She told 1105 00:49:17,680 --> 00:49:19,760 Speaker 3: me something a long time ago. I'll never forget because 1106 00:49:19,760 --> 00:49:20,879 Speaker 3: Aquarius is water. 1107 00:49:21,760 --> 00:49:21,920 Speaker 2: Pis. 1108 00:49:23,239 --> 00:49:23,799 Speaker 4: Yeah, pis. 1109 00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:25,279 Speaker 2: You need y'all. 1110 00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:27,520 Speaker 4: Yeah, that's how I'm like, what's your sign? Because you 1111 00:49:27,600 --> 00:49:28,560 Speaker 4: sound so much like me. 1112 00:49:29,520 --> 00:49:32,000 Speaker 2: We need y'all. But yeah, I'm a party a crazy 1113 00:49:32,120 --> 00:49:34,200 Speaker 2: posts yep. 1114 00:49:36,239 --> 00:49:38,080 Speaker 4: But that's good. That's good, And I know you have 1115 00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:39,080 Speaker 4: a beautiful son. 1116 00:49:40,120 --> 00:49:44,120 Speaker 1: So how has this experience of abuse influenced your perspective 1117 00:49:44,160 --> 00:49:46,759 Speaker 1: on motherhood and in the way that you approach your 1118 00:49:46,840 --> 00:49:47,520 Speaker 1: role as a mother. 1119 00:49:49,480 --> 00:49:52,400 Speaker 3: I'll start by saying, for one, it took me and 1120 00:49:52,400 --> 00:49:55,160 Speaker 3: my husband a very, very long time to conceive. 1121 00:49:55,880 --> 00:49:58,479 Speaker 2: We were together for nine years. 1122 00:49:58,560 --> 00:50:01,480 Speaker 3: I got pregnant with Journey when I was thirty, and 1123 00:50:01,520 --> 00:50:04,080 Speaker 3: I thank God for that because he waited until I 1124 00:50:04,160 --> 00:50:08,239 Speaker 3: was healed to bless me child, even though for years on, 1125 00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:10,000 Speaker 3: Hey girl, I cried about it. 1126 00:50:10,040 --> 00:50:11,399 Speaker 2: I cried and. 1127 00:50:12,760 --> 00:50:16,160 Speaker 3: I felt like it was another source of shames, Like damn, 1128 00:50:16,239 --> 00:50:17,840 Speaker 3: I'm a woman, you know what I mean, I'm supposed 1129 00:50:17,880 --> 00:50:18,800 Speaker 3: to have a child, you know. 1130 00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:19,920 Speaker 2: I felt like it was something. 1131 00:50:19,719 --> 00:50:22,319 Speaker 3: I was supposed to do, and I just, no matter 1132 00:50:22,320 --> 00:50:25,040 Speaker 3: what happened, I never I never got pregnant. It got 1133 00:50:25,080 --> 00:50:26,920 Speaker 3: so bad when I was struggling with my periods. I 1134 00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:28,840 Speaker 3: had something called and I don't know if I'm pronouncing 1135 00:50:28,920 --> 00:50:33,040 Speaker 3: right men or hagia, men or hasia, but basically what 1136 00:50:33,080 --> 00:50:35,360 Speaker 3: it is is when your your period will come on 1137 00:50:35,640 --> 00:50:37,960 Speaker 3: and it won't go off. So I actually had to 1138 00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:40,719 Speaker 3: go to the doctor and get birth patrol in order 1139 00:50:40,800 --> 00:50:42,120 Speaker 3: to be regulated. 1140 00:50:41,880 --> 00:50:45,239 Speaker 4: Right, because you just be bleeding none stuff right death. 1141 00:50:45,320 --> 00:50:45,480 Speaker 2: Yeah. 1142 00:50:45,520 --> 00:50:48,600 Speaker 3: I had iron issues, all kind of stuff. And I 1143 00:50:48,680 --> 00:50:50,680 Speaker 3: remember one of the last times I went to the hospital, 1144 00:50:50,719 --> 00:50:55,400 Speaker 3: I must have been twenty six or twenty seven, and 1145 00:50:55,480 --> 00:50:58,440 Speaker 3: the doctor actually recommended that I get a hysterectomy and 1146 00:50:58,480 --> 00:51:01,319 Speaker 3: I was considering it, but the nurse came in and 1147 00:51:01,320 --> 00:51:02,879 Speaker 3: I was crying, and she said, you know, what's wrong 1148 00:51:02,920 --> 00:51:04,279 Speaker 3: with you? And I said that he told me to 1149 00:51:04,719 --> 00:51:06,520 Speaker 3: you know, that I should probably get a HYS recommend 1150 00:51:06,560 --> 00:51:08,080 Speaker 3: She was like his the rectment. 1151 00:51:08,160 --> 00:51:09,760 Speaker 2: She was like, have you ever thought about brilliance? 1152 00:51:11,400 --> 00:51:12,360 Speaker 4: Was he a white doctor? 1153 00:51:13,320 --> 00:51:16,200 Speaker 1: Yes, because that's very rare that he told you that 1154 00:51:16,239 --> 00:51:18,839 Speaker 1: because they're not supposed to a lot of doctors are 1155 00:51:18,880 --> 00:51:20,560 Speaker 1: informing women to not do that. 1156 00:51:20,640 --> 00:51:22,120 Speaker 4: So that's what I'm like, why did he tell you that? 1157 00:51:22,160 --> 00:51:23,080 Speaker 4: But you're in the South, so. 1158 00:51:23,719 --> 00:51:25,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, you recommend I get that shit. 1159 00:51:25,280 --> 00:51:27,839 Speaker 3: But that lady she told me, you know, basically, had 1160 00:51:27,880 --> 00:51:32,080 Speaker 3: I ever tried a prayer and a black woman? Yes, listen, 1161 00:51:32,080 --> 00:51:35,120 Speaker 3: that's the That's the best advice anybody else ever given me. 1162 00:51:35,360 --> 00:51:38,080 Speaker 3: I didn't immediately get pregnant, but my my periods didn't 1163 00:51:38,080 --> 00:51:41,120 Speaker 3: stop being irregular, and I ended up getting pregnant, I 1164 00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:43,280 Speaker 3: want to say at twenty eight, but I had a miscarriage. 1165 00:51:44,040 --> 00:51:47,839 Speaker 2: But for me, I was like, shit, I couchie work, 1166 00:51:47,960 --> 00:51:51,480 Speaker 2: you know what I mean, COUTI work. I could do this, 1167 00:51:51,640 --> 00:51:52,880 Speaker 2: So I'm all coochie. 1168 00:51:53,719 --> 00:51:56,799 Speaker 3: But your journey came at thirty. I actually went on 1169 00:51:56,840 --> 00:51:58,799 Speaker 3: a fast, you know what I mean. And I went 1170 00:51:58,840 --> 00:52:01,839 Speaker 3: on a twelve day fast. And because I thought about 1171 00:52:01,840 --> 00:52:03,480 Speaker 3: the woman who had the issue of blood for twelve 1172 00:52:03,560 --> 00:52:05,799 Speaker 3: years or whatever, so I went in complete faith. I 1173 00:52:05,800 --> 00:52:07,880 Speaker 3: wanted this fast, and I kid you not, l O 1174 00:52:07,960 --> 00:52:13,040 Speaker 3: day I was pregnant. Five months later I was and 1175 00:52:13,080 --> 00:52:14,760 Speaker 3: it's been a it's been a great journey. 1176 00:52:15,120 --> 00:52:18,680 Speaker 2: I feel like her journey with journey. But I feel 1177 00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:19,800 Speaker 2: like it was a lot. 1178 00:52:19,680 --> 00:52:22,120 Speaker 3: Of fear in me when I first had him, not 1179 00:52:22,239 --> 00:52:24,000 Speaker 3: that I will repeat the past, but that I just 1180 00:52:24,040 --> 00:52:25,960 Speaker 3: wouldn't be a good mom, you know what I mean. 1181 00:52:26,520 --> 00:52:29,480 Speaker 3: But with time, he's reassured me that that I'm a 1182 00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:32,880 Speaker 3: good mom, you know. And after you know, speaking to 1183 00:52:33,160 --> 00:52:37,399 Speaker 3: one of my spiritual moms, she encouraged me that I'm 1184 00:52:37,440 --> 00:52:40,239 Speaker 3: the right mom for him. So just believing that, you 1185 00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:42,840 Speaker 3: know what I mean, has helped me cope with parents. 1186 00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:46,279 Speaker 3: And you know, that's my buddy. I ain't gonna lie 1187 00:52:46,280 --> 00:52:48,600 Speaker 3: to see like that's my damn role dog. 1188 00:52:48,719 --> 00:52:52,200 Speaker 1: Okay, that's I can't wait to have a kid too. 1189 00:52:52,280 --> 00:52:52,680 Speaker 2: Girls. 1190 00:52:52,680 --> 00:52:55,960 Speaker 4: So now y'all look just alike, you know it look 1191 00:52:56,080 --> 00:52:56,520 Speaker 4: just alike. 1192 00:52:57,080 --> 00:53:00,719 Speaker 2: We do. But he kind of looked like my husband too, yeah, 1193 00:53:00,880 --> 00:53:04,120 Speaker 2: kind of fifty fifty. Yeah. But he a cool kid though. 1194 00:53:04,120 --> 00:53:06,279 Speaker 3: He reminds me a lot of myself when I was 1195 00:53:06,320 --> 00:53:07,840 Speaker 3: a kid before. 1196 00:53:07,920 --> 00:53:09,440 Speaker 2: I think all the hurt and pain. 1197 00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:12,160 Speaker 3: Really kind of weighed me down, and so I challenged 1198 00:53:12,200 --> 00:53:14,640 Speaker 3: myself to just let him be him, you know what 1199 00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:17,040 Speaker 3: I mean. He's a laugher, you know what I mean. 1200 00:53:17,080 --> 00:53:20,719 Speaker 3: He loves to laugh. He he hungs like it's so weird. 1201 00:53:20,719 --> 00:53:23,919 Speaker 3: He'll walk around the house like he'll do that shit 1202 00:53:24,000 --> 00:53:28,279 Speaker 3: all day. And it's let him, you know what I mean, Right, 1203 00:53:28,400 --> 00:53:30,840 Speaker 3: And he's just he's thriving. 1204 00:53:30,880 --> 00:53:33,000 Speaker 2: And I sit. 1205 00:53:33,320 --> 00:53:36,520 Speaker 3: I wish and I hope business a selfish of me, 1206 00:53:36,640 --> 00:53:38,440 Speaker 3: but I kind of wish I was him, you know 1207 00:53:38,480 --> 00:53:38,839 Speaker 3: what I mean. 1208 00:53:38,880 --> 00:53:41,520 Speaker 2: And I had that same experience as. 1209 00:53:41,320 --> 00:53:45,920 Speaker 3: A child to be able to be myself and express myself. 1210 00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:48,880 Speaker 3: My baby loves art, you know, all these different things, 1211 00:53:48,920 --> 00:53:50,960 Speaker 3: and I let him do that stuff, you know what 1212 00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:53,680 Speaker 3: I mean. Just last week he would not take that 1213 00:53:53,760 --> 00:53:56,120 Speaker 3: damn Spider Man mask off because he swear. 1214 00:53:56,160 --> 00:53:58,720 Speaker 2: He swell on everything that he loved. He is Peter Parker, 1215 00:53:58,800 --> 00:53:59,399 Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying. 1216 00:53:59,719 --> 00:54:01,520 Speaker 4: Little boys love them some Spider Man. 1217 00:54:02,840 --> 00:54:04,160 Speaker 2: Yeah, I just let him do it, you know what 1218 00:54:04,160 --> 00:54:05,200 Speaker 2: I mean. I let him do it. 1219 00:54:05,320 --> 00:54:11,000 Speaker 3: So, Yeah, I wish that I could have had the 1220 00:54:11,080 --> 00:54:15,040 Speaker 3: same experience, But I'm also thankful that I had that 1221 00:54:15,160 --> 00:54:16,640 Speaker 3: experience so I will. 1222 00:54:16,560 --> 00:54:18,200 Speaker 2: Know what not to do. 1223 00:54:18,600 --> 00:54:18,960 Speaker 4: Facts. 1224 00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:21,239 Speaker 3: I'm even talking about the sexual abuse, I'm talking about 1225 00:54:21,239 --> 00:54:25,000 Speaker 3: the emotional abuse to just being a parent. They're making 1226 00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:27,600 Speaker 3: my child feel guilty or feel shave, you know what 1227 00:54:27,640 --> 00:54:30,520 Speaker 3: I mean. I gas my baby up every time I get, 1228 00:54:30,560 --> 00:54:32,720 Speaker 3: I let him know how handsome he is. My husband, 1229 00:54:32,760 --> 00:54:33,879 Speaker 3: he was telling you got to you know, you gotta 1230 00:54:33,880 --> 00:54:34,960 Speaker 3: live in it now. You don't want him to be 1231 00:54:35,040 --> 00:54:36,920 Speaker 3: an asshold. I'm like, okay, yeah, you're right. 1232 00:54:37,080 --> 00:54:38,720 Speaker 2: But you look good at journey. 1233 00:54:38,719 --> 00:54:38,840 Speaker 5: You know. 1234 00:54:38,960 --> 00:54:40,960 Speaker 3: I let him know because that's not what I heard. 1235 00:54:41,080 --> 00:54:42,839 Speaker 3: I heard the exact opposite, you know what I mean. 1236 00:54:43,000 --> 00:54:45,920 Speaker 3: So any chance I get, I try to encourage him, 1237 00:54:45,920 --> 00:54:48,040 Speaker 3: even when that artwork, and I hope he never watched it, but. 1238 00:54:48,080 --> 00:54:52,239 Speaker 2: Sometime I artwork ugly, you know you small kids? Are 1239 00:54:52,560 --> 00:54:52,840 Speaker 2: you like? 1240 00:54:53,719 --> 00:54:53,880 Speaker 5: You know? 1241 00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:57,480 Speaker 2: But the girl I would gassing up baby, that look good, 1242 00:54:57,520 --> 00:55:00,440 Speaker 2: you know what I mean, And I just wish I 1243 00:55:00,520 --> 00:55:00,920 Speaker 2: had that. 1244 00:55:01,000 --> 00:55:03,680 Speaker 3: But I'm gonna take what I got and I'm gonna 1245 00:55:03,719 --> 00:55:05,759 Speaker 3: roll with it, and I want a daughter to I do. 1246 00:55:06,360 --> 00:55:10,399 Speaker 4: Sorry, are you actively trying to have a baby or yes? 1247 00:55:10,560 --> 00:55:14,120 Speaker 3: And no, you know, I ain't gonna say we're not 1248 00:55:14,200 --> 00:55:18,400 Speaker 3: doing what you need to do to have one, but 1249 00:55:19,520 --> 00:55:21,320 Speaker 3: we tell you pull out right now though, you know 1250 00:55:21,360 --> 00:55:23,960 Speaker 3: what I mean. We just here and you know we're 1251 00:55:23,960 --> 00:55:25,760 Speaker 3: trying to get settled in. He's trying to get settled 1252 00:55:25,760 --> 00:55:27,560 Speaker 3: in his job. I'm trying to get settled into mind. 1253 00:55:27,600 --> 00:55:30,480 Speaker 3: So maybe in a couple months will actively try again. 1254 00:55:30,600 --> 00:55:32,480 Speaker 2: But I do want a daughter. I do. 1255 00:55:32,719 --> 00:55:35,800 Speaker 3: I'm blessed though that God gave me a son first, 1256 00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:38,200 Speaker 3: because maybe I would not have been able to handle 1257 00:55:38,360 --> 00:55:41,200 Speaker 3: a daughter because of my own shame. But I believe 1258 00:55:41,680 --> 00:55:43,239 Speaker 3: I think I'm strong enough. 1259 00:55:43,400 --> 00:55:47,040 Speaker 2: To you definitely are to teach her to love herself, 1260 00:55:47,080 --> 00:55:48,719 Speaker 2: you know what I mean. And that's really what it is. 1261 00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:51,880 Speaker 3: We need women in our lives, especially older women that 1262 00:55:52,080 --> 00:55:56,000 Speaker 3: uplift us, not always constantly what we did wrong or 1263 00:55:56,400 --> 00:55:58,839 Speaker 3: how we could get better. Tell me what I did right, 1264 00:55:58,960 --> 00:56:00,879 Speaker 3: you know what I mean, Share with me my good 1265 00:56:00,960 --> 00:56:03,960 Speaker 3: qualities that you see. I wasn't exposed to that, but 1266 00:56:04,040 --> 00:56:07,440 Speaker 3: I want to expose my daughter to that. And even 1267 00:56:07,440 --> 00:56:08,960 Speaker 3: though I don't have a daughter right now, I work 1268 00:56:08,960 --> 00:56:10,680 Speaker 3: with a lot of young girls. I'm thirty six, you know, 1269 00:56:10,760 --> 00:56:15,520 Speaker 3: I work with girls that are fifteen, sixteen, twenty twenty one. 1270 00:56:16,239 --> 00:56:19,800 Speaker 3: Every day the work, I make it like a habit 1271 00:56:19,880 --> 00:56:21,400 Speaker 3: to make sure I uplift them. 1272 00:56:21,200 --> 00:56:23,120 Speaker 2: You know what I mean. I just have to. I 1273 00:56:23,160 --> 00:56:24,680 Speaker 2: feel like if I'm not doing that what the fuck 1274 00:56:24,719 --> 00:56:25,799 Speaker 2: am I here for? You know what I mean? 1275 00:56:25,880 --> 00:56:28,160 Speaker 3: Granted, I know, make sure the place don't burn down 1276 00:56:28,239 --> 00:56:30,320 Speaker 3: and make sure you know we're doing what we're supposed 1277 00:56:30,320 --> 00:56:33,840 Speaker 3: to do. But outside of that, my assignments with God 1278 00:56:34,000 --> 00:56:37,759 Speaker 3: makes means much more to me, you know what I mean. 1279 00:56:38,160 --> 00:56:42,560 Speaker 3: The bottom line is, even on my YouTube, prayer means 1280 00:56:42,560 --> 00:56:45,560 Speaker 3: more to me than anything, and I constantly pray the 1281 00:56:45,640 --> 00:56:47,240 Speaker 3: comment and the people that watch my videos. 1282 00:56:47,239 --> 00:56:48,680 Speaker 2: Hell, I pray for you, you know what I mean. 1283 00:56:48,680 --> 00:56:52,480 Speaker 3: I know you're not supposed to, but that's what I 1284 00:56:52,520 --> 00:56:56,200 Speaker 3: do for God. I have a job, but my main 1285 00:56:56,360 --> 00:56:58,360 Speaker 3: job is to due he asked me to do, and 1286 00:56:58,400 --> 00:57:00,600 Speaker 3: since I know that he listens to my prayer, I'm 1287 00:57:00,600 --> 00:57:01,799 Speaker 3: gonna pray every chance I. 1288 00:57:01,760 --> 00:57:04,640 Speaker 4: Get facts facts, Yo, that's so crazy. 1289 00:57:04,680 --> 00:57:07,080 Speaker 1: You said that because I always said that when I built, oh, 1290 00:57:07,080 --> 00:57:10,360 Speaker 1: when I created the Professional Homegirl, the platform. I always 1291 00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:12,479 Speaker 1: wanted this platform to be the women where I needed 1292 00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:15,000 Speaker 1: women to be the me when I was growing up. 1293 00:57:15,320 --> 00:57:17,480 Speaker 1: So I definitely feel you on that when it comes 1294 00:57:17,520 --> 00:57:20,320 Speaker 1: to like pouring into these young girls, because I mean, 1295 00:57:20,320 --> 00:57:21,960 Speaker 1: if shit was crazy when we was growing up, I 1296 00:57:21,960 --> 00:57:22,440 Speaker 1: call on him. 1297 00:57:22,640 --> 00:57:24,000 Speaker 4: I mean, we see what's going on now? 1298 00:57:25,120 --> 00:57:26,200 Speaker 2: It don't make no sense. 1299 00:57:26,760 --> 00:57:28,680 Speaker 3: Plus we I mean, you know, I had to say, 1300 00:57:28,800 --> 00:57:30,640 Speaker 3: you know how the older people like, oh this generation 1301 00:57:30,840 --> 00:57:33,880 Speaker 3: is and that Hello, y'all, motherfucker's raised us, you know 1302 00:57:33,920 --> 00:57:36,760 Speaker 3: what I mean, just like we've raising them, you know 1303 00:57:36,760 --> 00:57:40,400 Speaker 3: what I mean. It's our duty to do the best 1304 00:57:40,560 --> 00:57:43,720 Speaker 3: for these kids, you know, especially when you know that 1305 00:57:43,760 --> 00:57:46,160 Speaker 3: they don't come from good backgrounds and stuff like that. 1306 00:57:46,280 --> 00:57:47,880 Speaker 2: You have to. You have to. 1307 00:57:47,960 --> 00:57:49,840 Speaker 3: It takes a village to raise a child. My mom 1308 00:57:49,880 --> 00:57:51,880 Speaker 3: ain't the only person that raised me, you know what 1309 00:57:51,920 --> 00:57:54,160 Speaker 3: I mean. She may have been in the house with 1310 00:57:54,200 --> 00:57:57,400 Speaker 3: my collective experiences with women like I've told you are 1311 00:57:57,480 --> 00:57:59,920 Speaker 3: what you know, led to me being who I was 1312 00:58:00,120 --> 00:58:01,720 Speaker 3: when I got therapy at twenty nine. 1313 00:58:01,720 --> 00:58:05,440 Speaker 2: It wasn't just my relationship. And so I have to 1314 00:58:06,760 --> 00:58:09,800 Speaker 2: uplift these girls. I have to. I just I don't 1315 00:58:09,800 --> 00:58:10,600 Speaker 2: see it any other way. 1316 00:58:10,640 --> 00:58:12,440 Speaker 3: I sit here and I can joke and stuff like that, 1317 00:58:12,480 --> 00:58:14,240 Speaker 3: but at the end of the day, I have to 1318 00:58:14,400 --> 00:58:16,840 Speaker 3: that's my duty. I feel like I have no choice. 1319 00:58:16,920 --> 00:58:19,400 Speaker 3: I'm so serious, you know what I mean. I feel 1320 00:58:19,400 --> 00:58:21,640 Speaker 3: like I don't have a choice right now. 1321 00:58:21,680 --> 00:58:24,200 Speaker 1: If your mother were still alive, how do you imagine 1322 00:58:24,200 --> 00:58:27,880 Speaker 1: your relationship with her would have evolved if that opportunity 1323 00:58:28,200 --> 00:58:29,160 Speaker 1: was to present itself. 1324 00:58:30,600 --> 00:58:32,800 Speaker 3: I believe post therapy I would have cut her off 1325 00:58:32,880 --> 00:58:35,600 Speaker 3: along with the other women out here. Cut off I 1326 00:58:35,680 --> 00:58:39,640 Speaker 3: really just for my personal peace. But also on the 1327 00:58:39,680 --> 00:58:41,800 Speaker 3: flip side, I can sit here and say this, but 1328 00:58:41,920 --> 00:58:43,400 Speaker 3: I at the end of the day, I don't know. 1329 00:58:43,680 --> 00:58:45,200 Speaker 2: I'm being I gotta be frank with you. 1330 00:58:45,240 --> 00:58:50,640 Speaker 3: I don't know, because it's easier and maybe you can 1331 00:58:50,680 --> 00:58:55,000 Speaker 3: relate to this. It's easier to be upset with others 1332 00:58:55,120 --> 00:58:58,200 Speaker 3: than it is for me to be upset with my mom, right, 1333 00:58:58,840 --> 00:58:59,480 Speaker 3: you know what I mean. 1334 00:58:59,760 --> 00:59:03,160 Speaker 2: I feel like a sense of loyalty to my mom. 1335 00:59:03,440 --> 00:59:04,760 Speaker 4: You know what I mean, because at the end of 1336 00:59:04,760 --> 00:59:06,480 Speaker 4: the day, she's still your mom. 1337 00:59:06,800 --> 00:59:09,240 Speaker 3: Yeah, even in therapy, you know your therapist. You know 1338 00:59:09,320 --> 00:59:11,240 Speaker 3: she's saying, like little stuff x y Z. I'm looking 1339 00:59:11,240 --> 00:59:12,919 Speaker 3: at her like, you better stop talking about my mom. 1340 00:59:14,240 --> 00:59:15,600 Speaker 2: You know what, you better. 1341 00:59:15,400 --> 00:59:18,880 Speaker 3: Stop talking about my mom. Okay, before I don't cross 1342 00:59:18,920 --> 00:59:25,760 Speaker 3: this damn table. But you know, I don't know. I 1343 00:59:25,800 --> 00:59:29,160 Speaker 3: hope that I would have separated from my personal peace. 1344 00:59:30,280 --> 00:59:32,440 Speaker 2: But at the end of the day, I don't know. 1345 00:59:33,000 --> 00:59:33,520 Speaker 2: I don't know. 1346 00:59:33,720 --> 00:59:35,000 Speaker 4: Did you forgive her yet or. 1347 00:59:36,600 --> 00:59:40,479 Speaker 2: I believe I have. I believe I have. The only 1348 00:59:40,560 --> 00:59:45,120 Speaker 2: reason I say that is because I no longer feel. 1349 00:59:44,840 --> 00:59:49,960 Speaker 3: Angry, you know what I mean. I don't hate my mom, 1350 00:59:50,960 --> 00:59:53,120 Speaker 3: but I said I love my mom, you know I 1351 00:59:53,160 --> 00:59:57,920 Speaker 3: really do. So, Yeah, I do believe that I have 1352 00:59:58,200 --> 00:59:59,840 Speaker 3: forgiven her completely. 1353 01:00:00,520 --> 01:00:03,040 Speaker 2: I don't know yet. I think that I think that's 1354 01:00:03,040 --> 01:00:03,600 Speaker 2: would have to. 1355 01:00:03,560 --> 01:00:05,360 Speaker 3: Happen to trigger me in order for me to really 1356 01:00:05,400 --> 01:00:08,360 Speaker 3: know fully if I like, really went all the way there. 1357 01:00:08,400 --> 01:00:11,840 Speaker 3: But I feel like for the most part, I'm pretty 1358 01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:13,200 Speaker 3: I'm okay right. 1359 01:00:14,120 --> 01:00:17,560 Speaker 1: And last but not least, if your mother were alive today, 1360 01:00:17,600 --> 01:00:19,560 Speaker 1: what would you want to say to her if given 1361 01:00:19,600 --> 01:00:20,080 Speaker 1: the chance? 1362 01:00:25,240 --> 01:00:36,080 Speaker 2: Hmmm, I guess I would want to know what led 1363 01:00:36,200 --> 01:00:39,320 Speaker 2: to it? You know what I mean? What did you 1364 01:00:39,440 --> 01:00:42,520 Speaker 2: experience to in your life that made you feel like 1365 01:00:42,600 --> 01:00:46,000 Speaker 2: it was okay to do this to me? You know 1366 01:00:46,040 --> 01:00:48,160 Speaker 2: what I mean? That's really what it is. 1367 01:00:48,440 --> 01:00:50,360 Speaker 3: You know, I guess the while of it all, you 1368 01:00:50,440 --> 01:00:54,840 Speaker 3: know what I mean, because being so young, it's like 1369 01:00:54,880 --> 01:00:57,800 Speaker 3: I'm also feeling like shit, how really did I blame myself? 1370 01:00:57,880 --> 01:00:59,840 Speaker 2: Or that I was a child really wasn't in control 1371 01:00:59,840 --> 01:01:04,800 Speaker 2: of situation at all? You know what I mean? Right, clear, 1372 01:01:04,880 --> 01:01:07,080 Speaker 2: I just want to know why. 1373 01:01:07,200 --> 01:01:09,040 Speaker 3: Yeah, I want to get into the logistics of the 1374 01:01:09,040 --> 01:01:10,560 Speaker 3: whole thing, like why did you do this to me? 1375 01:01:11,240 --> 01:01:13,320 Speaker 2: What made you think it was okay? And what happened 1376 01:01:13,360 --> 01:01:15,120 Speaker 2: to you that led to it? 1377 01:01:15,560 --> 01:01:17,720 Speaker 3: And then I also want to know how does she 1378 01:01:17,720 --> 01:01:21,560 Speaker 3: feel about herself after that? Cause I just I cannot listen. 1379 01:01:21,960 --> 01:01:23,920 Speaker 3: Playing with my Coochie made me feel bad, you know 1380 01:01:23,960 --> 01:01:24,280 Speaker 3: what I mean. 1381 01:01:24,480 --> 01:01:26,479 Speaker 2: I can't eat, you know what. 1382 01:01:26,360 --> 01:01:31,560 Speaker 3: I mean, cushing my child or any our child here 1383 01:01:31,640 --> 01:01:33,160 Speaker 3: or anybody heeri you you know what I mean. I 1384 01:01:33,240 --> 01:01:36,720 Speaker 3: just the guilt alone and just morals and all that 1385 01:01:36,720 --> 01:01:39,400 Speaker 3: stuff would just prevent me from even going as far 1386 01:01:39,520 --> 01:01:41,520 Speaker 3: with anybody, you know what I mean. So I kind 1387 01:01:41,520 --> 01:01:44,480 Speaker 3: of want to know, like how does she feel about herself? 1388 01:01:44,480 --> 01:01:46,400 Speaker 2: Like does she feel shame? You know what I mean? 1389 01:01:46,600 --> 01:01:49,520 Speaker 2: Did she project that shame onto me? I just I 1390 01:01:49,520 --> 01:01:51,760 Speaker 2: don't know. I don't know. 1391 01:01:51,960 --> 01:01:55,160 Speaker 1: At forty four years old, that's a young age, Yeah 1392 01:01:55,200 --> 01:01:55,720 Speaker 1: she was. 1393 01:01:55,880 --> 01:01:59,200 Speaker 3: It's crazy because I at the time, Shit, you know 1394 01:01:59,280 --> 01:02:00,920 Speaker 3: you twenty one, your mom's forty four? 1395 01:02:01,080 --> 01:02:03,320 Speaker 2: Oh she oh right. 1396 01:02:03,800 --> 01:02:05,840 Speaker 3: But now that I'm thirty six, I'm like, damn, I'm 1397 01:02:05,880 --> 01:02:07,240 Speaker 3: eight years younger than she was. 1398 01:02:07,280 --> 01:02:10,800 Speaker 2: When she died, right, So it kind of. 1399 01:02:10,720 --> 01:02:14,440 Speaker 3: Makes it creepy at that point, but yeah, forty four 1400 01:02:14,720 --> 01:02:16,560 Speaker 3: was pretty young, and like I said, to die the 1401 01:02:16,560 --> 01:02:19,720 Speaker 3: way that she died, she really died a painful death. 1402 01:02:20,400 --> 01:02:23,919 Speaker 3: But I am thankful though that I was despite what 1403 01:02:23,960 --> 01:02:26,000 Speaker 3: my mom did to me. I tell you, one of 1404 01:02:26,000 --> 01:02:28,520 Speaker 3: the things that, outside of raising my sister, that I'm 1405 01:02:28,520 --> 01:02:31,280 Speaker 3: most proud of is that even at the end when 1406 01:02:31,320 --> 01:02:33,480 Speaker 3: my mom was in hospice, I still still by my 1407 01:02:33,520 --> 01:02:34,960 Speaker 3: mom and I took care of my mom. You know, 1408 01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:37,320 Speaker 3: I would bathe my mom, you know, all kind of things. 1409 01:02:37,320 --> 01:02:43,560 Speaker 3: I was really dedicated to my mom, maybe even overly served, 1410 01:02:43,600 --> 01:02:45,200 Speaker 3: like in an idle type of way, you know what 1411 01:02:45,240 --> 01:02:50,160 Speaker 3: I mean. But I'm still thankful that I was able 1412 01:02:50,240 --> 01:02:53,320 Speaker 3: to be there for her at the end. Like, despite 1413 01:02:53,360 --> 01:02:55,840 Speaker 3: what you did to me, I still showed you the 1414 01:02:55,840 --> 01:02:57,760 Speaker 3: maximum of mount of love that I had within me, 1415 01:02:58,320 --> 01:02:59,200 Speaker 3: even at the end, you. 1416 01:02:59,240 --> 01:02:59,680 Speaker 5: Know what I mean. 1417 01:03:00,040 --> 01:03:03,000 Speaker 3: So even if God just used me for that in 1418 01:03:03,080 --> 01:03:05,680 Speaker 3: her life, it's enough. 1419 01:03:05,760 --> 01:03:06,560 Speaker 2: You know, it's enough. 1420 01:03:07,400 --> 01:03:07,600 Speaker 3: Right. 1421 01:03:08,160 --> 01:03:13,959 Speaker 1: Well, I'm proud of you, sirs. I'm so happy. I'm 1422 01:03:14,000 --> 01:03:17,080 Speaker 1: so happy I found you. Like I think that this 1423 01:03:17,280 --> 01:03:20,600 Speaker 1: was such an incredible conversation Like I said, I feel 1424 01:03:20,600 --> 01:03:22,320 Speaker 1: like when people see the title they get a little 1425 01:03:22,320 --> 01:03:25,560 Speaker 1: like apprehensive, and they rightfully so, but like this was 1426 01:03:25,600 --> 01:03:27,560 Speaker 1: such a I had a really great time speaking with 1427 01:03:27,600 --> 01:03:29,960 Speaker 1: you and sharing your story, which I know is gonna 1428 01:03:30,040 --> 01:03:34,400 Speaker 1: enlighten and inspire and most importantly, encourage others to share 1429 01:03:34,440 --> 01:03:34,920 Speaker 1: your story. 1430 01:03:35,800 --> 01:03:37,640 Speaker 2: Can you do me a favorite? Bleep out my job? 1431 01:03:38,440 --> 01:03:38,760 Speaker 5: Yeah? 1432 01:03:38,800 --> 01:03:39,160 Speaker 2: I got you? 1433 01:03:39,200 --> 01:03:43,240 Speaker 4: I got you? Okay. I want to pop up on me, like, 1434 01:03:43,360 --> 01:03:44,960 Speaker 4: was you on a professional homegirl podcast? 1435 01:03:45,560 --> 01:03:45,760 Speaker 2: Yeah? 1436 01:03:46,240 --> 01:03:52,080 Speaker 3: Yeah, but no, I just just for for my company's standpoint. 1437 01:03:52,160 --> 01:03:53,640 Speaker 3: I personally don't care, but I just want to make 1438 01:03:53,680 --> 01:03:56,240 Speaker 3: sure that I represent them in the best way. And 1439 01:03:56,280 --> 01:03:58,160 Speaker 3: I don't know if I have, you know, because I've 1440 01:03:58,160 --> 01:03:58,919 Speaker 3: been cussling stuff. 1441 01:03:59,280 --> 01:04:01,280 Speaker 4: No, you're sending it your truth. You're saying your truth. 1442 01:04:01,280 --> 01:04:02,800 Speaker 4: But I'm gonna be leep it out for sure. 1443 01:04:02,800 --> 01:04:06,720 Speaker 2: I got you, I got you? Oh, thank you? Are 1444 01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:07,919 Speaker 2: you okay? I gotta ask? 1445 01:04:08,600 --> 01:04:11,960 Speaker 4: No, I'm good, I'm good. Are you are you well? 1446 01:04:11,960 --> 01:04:12,120 Speaker 2: Wait? 1447 01:04:12,160 --> 01:04:14,080 Speaker 4: Are you talking about just the conversation or just like 1448 01:04:14,120 --> 01:04:14,959 Speaker 4: in general. 1449 01:04:15,240 --> 01:04:16,320 Speaker 2: I'm talking about in Jones? 1450 01:04:17,080 --> 01:04:17,880 Speaker 4: No, I'm good. 1451 01:04:18,200 --> 01:04:22,440 Speaker 1: I'm tired, but I think that I mean, everything that 1452 01:04:22,480 --> 01:04:25,440 Speaker 1: I was working so hard for is here, So I 1453 01:04:25,480 --> 01:04:28,600 Speaker 1: think that when you ask God if things got to 1454 01:04:28,600 --> 01:04:31,480 Speaker 1: be ready for it, and I feel like, and you 1455 01:04:31,480 --> 01:04:33,640 Speaker 1: know what's so funny, Yesterday I was talking to one 1456 01:04:33,680 --> 01:04:35,600 Speaker 1: of my best friends and I was just like, yo, like, 1457 01:04:35,720 --> 01:04:37,680 Speaker 1: because I also have a nine to five right and 1458 01:04:37,720 --> 01:04:40,000 Speaker 1: to go to transition out of that and do my 1459 01:04:40,040 --> 01:04:43,400 Speaker 1: business full time at my nine to five and fucking 1460 01:04:43,440 --> 01:04:48,320 Speaker 1: trying me, it's been real challenging. And I was just 1461 01:04:48,400 --> 01:04:50,120 Speaker 1: saying to my best friend yesterday, I was like, you 1462 01:04:50,160 --> 01:04:52,919 Speaker 1: know what I was like, I know I always knew 1463 01:04:53,000 --> 01:04:54,600 Speaker 1: that I was going to be something great, Like I 1464 01:04:54,680 --> 01:04:56,959 Speaker 1: know what my journey looked like. I feel like God 1465 01:04:57,000 --> 01:05:01,080 Speaker 1: has shown me what's been for me at a very young age, 1466 01:05:01,320 --> 01:05:03,240 Speaker 1: so I know what I'm like. I know I'm in 1467 01:05:03,280 --> 01:05:06,280 Speaker 1: my purpose because it feels familiar, it feels good right, 1468 01:05:07,560 --> 01:05:09,840 Speaker 1: And I was just saying like, damn, like I feel 1469 01:05:09,880 --> 01:05:12,560 Speaker 1: like I gotta stop complaining or stop letting work get 1470 01:05:12,600 --> 01:05:14,040 Speaker 1: to me because I feel like if I can't be 1471 01:05:14,160 --> 01:05:16,560 Speaker 1: level headed and this shit, how the fuck I expect 1472 01:05:16,560 --> 01:05:18,120 Speaker 1: to be where I want to be at and this 1473 01:05:18,240 --> 01:05:20,640 Speaker 1: other shit and really be like successful and be you 1474 01:05:20,680 --> 01:05:23,200 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, create this platform and be traveling shit. 1475 01:05:23,880 --> 01:05:26,240 Speaker 1: And when I came today, some shit had hit the 1476 01:05:26,320 --> 01:05:29,440 Speaker 1: fucking fan. Yeah, and I was just like but I 1477 01:05:29,520 --> 01:05:32,520 Speaker 1: kept it level headed. I prayed and I just handled 1478 01:05:32,560 --> 01:05:34,120 Speaker 1: that ship like a g and I'm like, all right, God, 1479 01:05:34,160 --> 01:05:36,480 Speaker 1: I say, you got jokes, but we're here now, like. 1480 01:05:38,720 --> 01:05:42,280 Speaker 3: And never forget we all fall short, right, you don't 1481 01:05:42,280 --> 01:05:44,880 Speaker 3: have to. You're not gonna be perfect where you're going, 1482 01:05:45,120 --> 01:05:46,800 Speaker 3: but God gonna still take you anyway. 1483 01:05:47,040 --> 01:05:48,440 Speaker 4: Absolutely, And he took me so. 1484 01:05:48,440 --> 01:05:52,880 Speaker 2: Far it os just had a stutter. Yeah, I still 1485 01:05:52,960 --> 01:05:56,440 Speaker 2: used him. He had a stutter. He killed somebody. David 1486 01:05:56,600 --> 01:05:59,600 Speaker 2: was a whole. God still used him. Yeah, you know 1487 01:05:59,600 --> 01:06:00,160 Speaker 2: what I mean. 1488 01:06:00,800 --> 01:06:02,920 Speaker 3: So you got this, Like I said, I was a 1489 01:06:02,960 --> 01:06:08,640 Speaker 3: whole you know, for an edition all that ship and 1490 01:06:08,720 --> 01:06:09,680 Speaker 3: God is using me. 1491 01:06:10,240 --> 01:06:10,479 Speaker 2: Yeah. 1492 01:06:10,600 --> 01:06:11,520 Speaker 4: But I'm happy though. 1493 01:06:11,600 --> 01:06:15,040 Speaker 1: I'm happy, Like I really feel like I am living 1494 01:06:15,080 --> 01:06:18,560 Speaker 1: out the beginning of my dreams, like I feel it. 1495 01:06:18,680 --> 01:06:23,760 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, because you're right, it's just the beginning. 1496 01:06:24,160 --> 01:06:25,960 Speaker 1: Yeah, And thank you for asking, because I feel like 1497 01:06:25,960 --> 01:06:27,280 Speaker 1: nobody never asked me how I'm doing. 1498 01:06:27,320 --> 01:06:29,640 Speaker 4: Sometimes I had to. 1499 01:06:29,800 --> 01:06:30,160 Speaker 2: I don't know. 1500 01:06:30,280 --> 01:06:32,880 Speaker 3: I felt like I felt like I should, you know 1501 01:06:32,920 --> 01:06:34,960 Speaker 3: what I mean. I felt like I should. But I'm 1502 01:06:34,960 --> 01:06:37,040 Speaker 3: glad to know that you're okay, and I wish you 1503 01:06:37,040 --> 01:06:37,400 Speaker 3: the best. 1504 01:06:37,440 --> 01:06:39,960 Speaker 1: I really do, thank you, I really, I mean we're 1505 01:06:39,960 --> 01:06:43,320 Speaker 1: gonna be in contact, child, So yeah. 1506 01:06:42,640 --> 01:06:46,120 Speaker 3: And don't stop doing this ship at all. I'm serious 1507 01:06:47,080 --> 01:06:49,000 Speaker 3: of being uninspired. You got to keep it it. 1508 01:06:50,960 --> 01:06:53,160 Speaker 2: What you do is valuable, it really is. 1509 01:06:53,800 --> 01:06:55,960 Speaker 1: And you know it's so funny, and we're gonna leave 1510 01:06:55,960 --> 01:06:58,600 Speaker 1: it at this note. I would make me up because 1511 01:06:58,600 --> 01:07:00,240 Speaker 1: obviously this is my business. So I believe even in 1512 01:07:00,360 --> 01:07:02,480 Speaker 1: so much, and I believe in this platform. But I 1513 01:07:02,600 --> 01:07:05,000 Speaker 1: just love when like black women just come on the show, 1514 01:07:05,040 --> 01:07:07,840 Speaker 1: because I only interview women of color, particularly black women, 1515 01:07:08,400 --> 01:07:10,080 Speaker 1: and I just love when we just talk in our 1516 01:07:10,200 --> 01:07:12,200 Speaker 1: language and you we just pop our ship, but we 1517 01:07:12,200 --> 01:07:14,760 Speaker 1: put the medicine in a candy like I just be like, yo, 1518 01:07:14,920 --> 01:07:18,080 Speaker 1: Like I love conversations like this because I feel like 1519 01:07:18,120 --> 01:07:20,080 Speaker 1: there's a lot of people, especially a lot of black 1520 01:07:20,120 --> 01:07:22,440 Speaker 1: women and neighborhoods that we come from, that can relate 1521 01:07:22,480 --> 01:07:22,800 Speaker 1: to this. 1522 01:07:22,960 --> 01:07:27,120 Speaker 2: You know, that's so true. It's true. But sad man, 1523 01:07:27,160 --> 01:07:28,080 Speaker 2: that sh it's so sad. 1524 01:07:28,280 --> 01:07:30,240 Speaker 4: Yeah, we'll not relate to the topic in hand. 1525 01:07:30,280 --> 01:07:33,200 Speaker 1: Maybe I'm meaning more so relate to just the way 1526 01:07:33,240 --> 01:07:36,600 Speaker 1: we talk our conversation like a lingo, like right. 1527 01:07:36,520 --> 01:07:40,040 Speaker 3: You're right, it's definitely relatable, right right, because you know, 1528 01:07:40,160 --> 01:07:44,040 Speaker 3: originally I started to like dress up and I kids. 1529 01:07:44,040 --> 01:07:44,160 Speaker 5: You know. 1530 01:07:44,320 --> 01:07:46,160 Speaker 2: My husband's like, what the sou you do? Yeah? 1531 01:07:46,520 --> 01:07:49,480 Speaker 3: I was say, girl, culmination, you are okay, let me 1532 01:07:49,560 --> 01:07:51,800 Speaker 3: just a damn T shirt on and call it. 1533 01:07:52,240 --> 01:07:54,480 Speaker 2: I did. I did do my eyebrowall. I did do this. 1534 01:07:55,360 --> 01:07:57,760 Speaker 4: Yeah, I see you you with your light beat. I said, 1535 01:07:57,800 --> 01:08:00,520 Speaker 4: come on now, I. 1536 01:08:00,520 --> 01:08:06,000 Speaker 3: Had to cool. I appreciate this, I really do. I 1537 01:08:06,080 --> 01:08:07,439 Speaker 3: was nervous about it. I ain't gonna lie. 1538 01:08:08,080 --> 01:08:09,680 Speaker 4: Why was you nervous? 1539 01:08:10,600 --> 01:08:11,520 Speaker 2: It's like, I don't know. 1540 01:08:11,560 --> 01:08:14,560 Speaker 3: Even though I've shared it on YouTube, I haven't really 1541 01:08:14,600 --> 01:08:16,800 Speaker 3: shared it with that many people on an individual level. 1542 01:08:16,840 --> 01:08:19,920 Speaker 2: I suppose it's easier for me to, you know, share 1543 01:08:19,920 --> 01:08:21,680 Speaker 2: it on YouTube. My fuckers just gonna comment. You know 1544 01:08:21,720 --> 01:08:22,080 Speaker 2: what I mean? 1545 01:08:22,800 --> 01:08:25,320 Speaker 3: We talking basically face to face, you know what I mean? 1546 01:08:25,880 --> 01:08:28,880 Speaker 3: And so I guess just that leftover shame, like shit, 1547 01:08:29,040 --> 01:08:30,040 Speaker 3: will she judge me? 1548 01:08:30,240 --> 01:08:30,640 Speaker 2: You know this? 1549 01:08:30,720 --> 01:08:30,920 Speaker 5: And that? 1550 01:08:31,120 --> 01:08:34,240 Speaker 3: So I am thankful and honor that you did share 1551 01:08:34,280 --> 01:08:37,240 Speaker 3: your own personal experience with me about your mom because 1552 01:08:37,240 --> 01:08:37,840 Speaker 3: I ain't gonna lie. 1553 01:08:37,840 --> 01:08:40,800 Speaker 2: They kind feel more comfortable during the conversation. It really did. 1554 01:08:41,160 --> 01:08:44,120 Speaker 1: Listen, I am a reflection of you, sus so you 1555 01:08:44,120 --> 01:08:46,160 Speaker 1: don't ever have to feel a shame or feel like 1556 01:08:46,880 --> 01:08:48,960 Speaker 1: you are in this alone because we all have a story. 1557 01:08:50,200 --> 01:08:52,479 Speaker 2: Yes, ma'am, I appreciate that of course. 1558 01:08:52,520 --> 01:08:54,439 Speaker 1: And on that note, listeners, if you have any questions, 1559 01:08:54,439 --> 01:08:56,880 Speaker 1: comments on concerns, please make sure to email me at 1560 01:08:56,880 --> 01:09:00,360 Speaker 1: Hello at the PSG podcast dot com, follow me on 1561 01:09:00,439 --> 01:09:04,320 Speaker 1: Instagram at the Professional Homegirl and at the PHG podcast. 1562 01:09:05,040 --> 01:09:08,559 Speaker 1: And also please don't forget to subscribe to my YouTube 1563 01:09:08,720 --> 01:09:13,759 Speaker 1: channel at the Professional Homegirl. I am so excited because 1564 01:09:13,760 --> 01:09:17,720 Speaker 1: we just hit one hundred subscribers, so please make sure 1565 01:09:17,720 --> 01:09:19,800 Speaker 1: you subscribe to that. The videos look really good and 1566 01:09:19,840 --> 01:09:22,880 Speaker 1: I'm just super excited about that. And last but not least, 1567 01:09:22,960 --> 01:09:26,920 Speaker 1: my newest project titled Day All the One is going 1568 01:09:27,000 --> 01:09:29,799 Speaker 1: to be a combination of short stories about all things 1569 01:09:29,880 --> 01:09:33,040 Speaker 1: love from my personal life. So this is something that's 1570 01:09:33,160 --> 01:09:34,040 Speaker 1: very close to me. 1571 01:09:34,240 --> 01:09:35,000 Speaker 4: Very vulnerable. 1572 01:09:35,080 --> 01:09:38,479 Speaker 1: Child, you're gonna be in my business, but it's so good, 1573 01:09:38,560 --> 01:09:41,879 Speaker 1: Like the reviews have been amazing, so if you read. 1574 01:09:41,720 --> 01:09:43,160 Speaker 4: It, please check it out. 1575 01:09:43,840 --> 01:09:48,320 Speaker 1: And the website is www dot t h E Y 1576 01:09:48,640 --> 01:09:51,280 Speaker 1: alldone dot com. 1577 01:09:51,560 --> 01:09:59,799 Speaker 4: And until next time, everyone later toodles. 1578 01:10:00,320 --> 01:10:03,439 Speaker 1: The Professional Homegirl podcast is a production of the Black 1579 01:10:03,479 --> 01:10:07,640 Speaker 1: Effect podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the 1580 01:10:07,640 --> 01:10:10,840 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your 1581 01:10:10,880 --> 01:10:14,200 Speaker 1: favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show, 1582 01:10:14,479 --> 01:10:16,920 Speaker 1: and you can connect with me on social media at 1583 01:10:16,960 --> 01:10:18,240 Speaker 1: the PHG podcast