Speaker 1: Be sure to catch live editions of the Ben Maller
Speaker 1: Show weekdays at two am Eastern eleven p m. Pacific.
Speaker 1: If you thought four hours a day, minutes a week
Speaker 1: was enough, I think again. He's the last remnants of
Speaker 1: the old republic, a sole fashion of fairness. He treats
Speaker 1: crackheads in the ghetto Cutter the same as the rich
Speaker 1: pill poppers in the penthouse. The clearing House of Hot
Speaker 1: takes break free for something special. The Fifth Hour with
Speaker 1: Ben Maller starts right now that it does inside the
Speaker 1: Magic podcast Box. We actually live in your device that
Speaker 1: you were listening to the podcast. We are in the
Speaker 1: air everywhere. This our Saturday podcast. You already figured that
Speaker 1: one out, and we do it eight days a week.
Speaker 1: You want to thank the great Peter Brown who joined
Speaker 1: us yesterday, one of my favorite talk show host. I
Speaker 1: love Peter. I know his phone sucked, but it was
Speaker 1: great hearing him and love to get him on again.
Speaker 1: Be and Peter should be working somewhere. I would love
Speaker 1: to see him do a show somewhere because I would
Speaker 1: I would listen because Peter is good. He is good
Speaker 1: at radio. We are joined yet again by someone who
Speaker 1: would love to be at the level Peter Brown was
Speaker 1: at David Gascon, who's right over there, and he's making
Speaker 1: his way to the microphone. Here, I am, I'm here.
Speaker 1: After that nice, pleasant introduction, I really appreciate. Well, what
Speaker 1: was wrong with that? And that was a fine introduction,
Speaker 1: But it's not shitty you are? I mean, full disclosure,
Speaker 1: full disclosure. So we were going back and forth, and
Speaker 1: I told you Guesstcon, I said, just for you listening.
Speaker 1: I told Guesscon, I said, listen, I got a big
Speaker 1: name guest for this week. And then I told you
Speaker 1: who it was, and you then read me the riot act.
Speaker 1: I don't know who it is. Guy. You were so
Speaker 1: uneducated on Peter Brown. It's a bad job by you.
Speaker 1: You wanted to put some political guy on. What's up
Speaker 1: with that? I I didn't know who we were going
Speaker 1: to chat with today. I told you, and then you
Speaker 1: were all flustered. Well, I know, I wasn't flustered. I
Speaker 1: didn't know who he was. Well that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: I mean, this is a bad job by you. You
Speaker 1: work in radio. You work in radio, you should know
Speaker 1: the legends of the business. But that doesn't count. I
Speaker 1: didn't know who Mike North was before I got to Fox.
Speaker 1: I didn't know who you were until I got to Fox. See,
Speaker 1: that's a bad job by you, because I that's we're
Speaker 1: different that way. Like I always want to know in
Speaker 1: my profession, who were the top people? Who do I
Speaker 1: need to aspire to be and be better than you?
Speaker 1: This is about it. This is about ambition. You are,
Speaker 1: you were, I'm paid. This is a blacking ambition, bad
Speaker 1: job by you. That is the case that I could
Speaker 1: go through. Vince Gully, Bob Miller, Al Michaels, Harry Callis,
Speaker 1: Jack Buck, Joe Buck. Oh, so you don't want to
Speaker 1: be a talk show, you want to be in radio,
Speaker 1: you want to be a play by play. Those are
Speaker 1: the people I listened to when I was growing up.
Speaker 1: I didn't listen to sports talk radio on the regular.
Speaker 1: It was mostly listen to live live games. It's crazy, man, Wait,
Speaker 1: why is that crazy? Because you you should know who
Speaker 1: the top people are. But as you guys had mentioned
Speaker 1: when you guys were talking the other day, he was
Speaker 1: doing local radio. I didn't know Peter at a local level.
Speaker 1: He was in what Wisconsin, Chicago? There was in Philly, Chicago,
Speaker 1: stuff in Wisconsin at the end in Milwaukee. I mean
Speaker 1: the same thing with Mike. Mike was in Chicago. Well listen,
Speaker 1: I I didn't. I didn't. It was hard back in
Speaker 1: those days. It was so hard. It was so hard
Speaker 1: to hear these people. But there were ways you could listen,
Speaker 1: even before the internet really took off. And now you
Speaker 1: can listen to any radio show you want in any point,
Speaker 1: at any point in time, every local show, every national show.
Speaker 1: It's all streaming and it's available to you. It's at
Speaker 1: your your your tips. But it wasn't like that, but
Speaker 1: there were still ways you could listen. You had to
Speaker 1: work for it. But I always wanted to. I always
Speaker 1: wanted to hear the top people because I wanted to
Speaker 1: be one of those people, and so I wanted to
Speaker 1: hear what they sounded like. And then, uh, you know,
Speaker 1: not that you copy those people, but you take what
Speaker 1: you know you heard and then you make it your own, right,
Speaker 1: and that I listened to a different, different crowd. Yeah,
Speaker 1: play by play though you're still you're not giving up
Speaker 1: that dream play by play, you're all about it. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean I'm covering several different platforms across uh fair,
Speaker 1: So so what would you why don't you. Why don't
Speaker 1: you go to what's the some college town and do
Speaker 1: play by play and just live in a small college
Speaker 1: town and do that and be the voice of a university. Well,
Speaker 1: it's a little challenging to do that when I've done
Speaker 1: it regionally here in Los Angeles and San Diego for
Speaker 1: networks like Fox and ESPN. Yeah, so no, I understand,
Speaker 1: But you could be like the big fish. I don't
Speaker 1: want to in a small pond. I don't want to
Speaker 1: do that. When you don't want to be a big fish,
Speaker 1: you'd rather be a small fish in a big pond. No,
Speaker 1: it's not that, but there's a there's a happy medium.
Speaker 1: There's plenty of guys that are working at the regional
Speaker 1: level that aren't I don't want to say a plus material,
Speaker 1: but they're still getting work, you know. And I mean,
Speaker 1: what are we doing another high school football game? Disco?
Speaker 1: I don't know if I want to have you back
Speaker 1: after you just decided to like shout on my face
Speaker 1: because my my well, I was just trying. I'm giving you. Listen,
Speaker 1: I am giving you positive no, no, no tough love.
Speaker 1: That's old school. I know you can handle. I know
Speaker 1: there's no confusion, and there's no there's no dishonored to that.
Speaker 1: And I'm giving a constructive criticism. That's not constructive criticism.
Speaker 1: If you want to give me a constructive criticism, you
Speaker 1: would you would listen to you what I say on
Speaker 1: air and say that was good, that was bad. I
Speaker 1: would have said this differently. That's a great approach. All right, listen.
Speaker 1: So you want me to be like you want me
Speaker 1: to be a consultant, I am willing to be a consultant.
Speaker 1: Pay me. I will be a consultant. Small baby kit,
Speaker 1: so you can be a big fish and a small party.
Speaker 1: I'm the guy who told you to go to West
Speaker 1: Virginia did and China and China, Yes, guess got for
Speaker 1: those are like David would text me like, hey, I
Speaker 1: got this opportunity in West Virginia. You know. They'd send
Speaker 1: me a picture of the city and it was like
Speaker 1: all shacks and you know, just a bunch of hillbillies
Speaker 1: and and all that. So no, no, you should go.
Speaker 1: You should go and do it and make it your
Speaker 1: own and all that, and wish you didn't do it.
Speaker 1: Then you got offered some job at working Communist China,
Speaker 1: and I said go to China. Come on, it's cheap
Speaker 1: to live there. It's a big you know, that's a
Speaker 1: big market. It's the biggest market in the world, China,
Speaker 1: and more people live there than anywhere you can go there.
Speaker 1: And it was an American voyages. We weren't gonna speak Chinese,
Speaker 1: you were gonna speak English, but you'd be on television
Speaker 1: there and you turned that down. Also, bad job by you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and while I've done that, I have I have kind
Speaker 1: of morphed. So you've You've led me down two bad
Speaker 1: paths and I can no. I have no no, no,
Speaker 1: no no no no no no, no, no no, And
Speaker 1: I have not let you down too bad. Pass. That's
Speaker 1: a lie. It's a lie. Don't be an alarmed don't
Speaker 1: be an alarmist. Yeah, you advised me to take some
Speaker 1: some bad paths. How about what did I advise you
Speaker 1: to take? You told me to take Bluefin West Virginia.
Speaker 1: What's wrong with this? Good people in Bluefin West Virginia
Speaker 1: would have been under a contract for two years that
Speaker 1: I couldn't buy out. Two years is nothing. Two years
Speaker 1: is nothing paid eleven dollars an hour. That's pretty bad. Um.
Speaker 1: And then well, in West Virginia, you'd be the third
Speaker 1: richest guy in blue whatever town that was in western Bluefin?
Speaker 1: Are you sure it was Bluefin? Yeah, I'm like it was.
Speaker 1: I think that's a type of tuna. I think that's it.
Speaker 1: I don't know that that's a city in West Virginia,
Speaker 1: but maybe it is. So yeah that you told me
Speaker 1: to do that, and then you told me to go
Speaker 1: to the People's Republic of Communists. You know you're a
Speaker 1: communist anyway, she'd fit in very well over there. No, no,
Speaker 1: not at all. Well, you believe in draconian things like
Speaker 1: what what's that? Like? What? Well, you're very abrasive with me,
Speaker 1: Like I I have to be abrasive with your oppressive
Speaker 1: You're an old dog, You're a ruthless you don't like
Speaker 1: to move off your rock. You're you're stuck on that rock.
Speaker 1: You're about to going to rant about how great you are.
Speaker 1: I put you on camera. I made you digitally, aesthetically
Speaker 1: a please appeasing. Um. You know, there's some things that
Speaker 1: we've we've done for you. We've we've shaped your we've
Speaker 1: shaped you around a little bit. I have not made
Speaker 1: a dollar more since I met you, not a dollar more.
Speaker 1: Not a dollar dollar? Why would you know that you
Speaker 1: have not helped me the bottom line of paying my bills,
Speaker 1: not a dollar, because I have been paid some pennies
Speaker 1: no pun intended on this podcast. Therefore, I do know
Speaker 1: that you have been paid. No, no, it's it's not
Speaker 1: what I I have got a little bit, but it's
Speaker 1: not because of you. It's because of my hard work. Okay, well,
Speaker 1: I mean I'm carrying you on my back here. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be the hunchback of Notre Dame when I get
Speaker 1: done here. My god, tyranny is what it is. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: I gotta hear you talk about West of the four
Speaker 1: or five bull crap and all that every single time. Nonsense.
Speaker 1: Now I gotta do this damn benny versus a penny
Speaker 1: on the YouTube. All right, we gotta move it over
Speaker 1: to the YouTube. And I'm not getting paid for that.
Speaker 1: Nothing from that coming out there, And subscribers are coming,
Speaker 1: advertisers are coming, so we're pushing on that. By the way,
Speaker 1: so that you did mention west of the four or five,
Speaker 1: I got a lovely compliment the other day on some
Speaker 1: seried I he tune I made and your wife adored
Speaker 1: what I could absolutely, she was just being polite. She's
Speaker 1: a polite person. She's a nice person. That's she's got etiquette,
Speaker 1: she's got decore um, she's following social norms, is what
Speaker 1: she's doing. Gave me constructive criticism and feedback and said
Speaker 1: it was magnificent. I wish Ben cooked like that. She
Speaker 1: was just being kind And you see, you are such
Speaker 1: a dummy. You think that was an honest compliment. That
Speaker 1: was not an honest compliment. Thought it was polite, eloquent
Speaker 1: in distinct. Yeah, don't you know? My wife loves the
Speaker 1: Mallard cookie when I make. Now, she's got this fugazzy
Speaker 1: gluten free diet, so she doesn't like a lot of
Speaker 1: the things. She can't eat what I eat because I'm
Speaker 1: a gluten guy. I'm a I'm a rebel with not
Speaker 1: eat ice cream. Then she does, but it's a special,
Speaker 1: fugaysy type of right exactly, That's what I'm saying. Every
Speaker 1: once in a while, I still have like a weekend
Speaker 1: where she'll eat gluten and it's like living arge. She's
Speaker 1: acting correctly at that time, but it's pretty disciplined with
Speaker 1: the diet. So anyway, coming up on today's podcast, giscount.
Speaker 1: We've got uh geeking out, we got geeking out critters
Speaker 1: and varmits and endorsement alright, so which of those do
Speaker 1: you want to And we also have of course a
Speaker 1: bunch of pop quiz questions, which I love. Well. Speaking
Speaker 1: of endorsement, this is a good time to remind everybody
Speaker 1: that they, if they have not done so already, that
Speaker 1: they gotta go on YouTube. You can do a search
Speaker 1: on Benny versus the Penny, because we got week number
Speaker 1: four your picks on YouTube. You can subscribe, you can
Speaker 1: download the podcast or given the the YouTube video, you
Speaker 1: can download that actually, um and watch it. You got
Speaker 1: one game that we have to have postponing between the
Speaker 1: Steelers and Titans. But outside of that, you've got a
Speaker 1: full array of games that you're picking. Yeah. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: even if you're not a gambler, and I realize a
Speaker 1: lot of people aren't gamblers, it's still we're handicapping the game.
Speaker 1: We're breaking the game down, what we think is gonna happen, storylines,
Speaker 1: those kind of things. So it's if you're a football fan,
Speaker 1: you don't have to be a degenerate gambler like us,
Speaker 1: but you can still listen and enjoy and maybe you'll
Speaker 1: learn something and you'll kill an hour of time and
Speaker 1: be mildly entertaining, not gonna it's not gonna be murderous.
Speaker 1: I don't think. I don't think it'll be a laborers situation.
Speaker 1: I'm think it gonna be strenuous, especially because we will
Speaker 1: not be talking Broncos and Jets at all during that,
Speaker 1: So that your guys, your guys there, the dever Broncos,
Speaker 1: your team, and the Jets with the great Adam gazz
Speaker 1: or is he still the coach of the Jets. Who
Speaker 1: the hell? Anyways? Yeah, let's go to uh, let's go
Speaker 1: to endorsement, all right, endorsement. So I want to thank
Speaker 1: a random guy in Denver, random guy in difference. I
Speaker 1: get this message during the week, um from someone I
Speaker 1: kind of recognize. I kind of recognize, but I wasn't
Speaker 1: really familiar. And I was like, how do I know this?
Speaker 1: You know, you know, how you get a message something,
Speaker 1: You're like, how do I know that person? Yeah? Right,
Speaker 1: I don't really know and uh, and then I put
Speaker 1: it together and so this this a woman who I
Speaker 1: dated years ago, right, and uh, it was kind of
Speaker 1: blew me off, wasn't that nice, that kind of you,
Speaker 1: and it didn't work. It was good for a while,
Speaker 1: but it didn't work out, you know, as all these
Speaker 1: things go. So she sends me a message's living in
Speaker 1: Denver now, right, let's just living all She's living in Denver, now,
Speaker 1: send me a message. She's like, hey, I went on
Speaker 1: a date. I just want to let you know I
Speaker 1: went on a date with this guy. She's still single whatever,
Speaker 1: she want to date with this guy. And she said,
Speaker 1: you know, we started talking about sports, and you know,
Speaker 1: she's a sports fan. And so he says, hey, I
Speaker 1: I listened to podcast. Then the conversation was like, what
Speaker 1: podcast do you listen to? Whatever? That kind of and
Speaker 1: so the guys like listening these podcasts that to listen
Speaker 1: to and he named my podcast this podcast the fifth
Speaker 1: hour in the Ben Mallor Show podcast and uh. And
Speaker 1: so she's like, I can't believe. How does that guy
Speaker 1: know who you are? You're not kind of like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, I want to that's what we're looking for now.
Speaker 1: That was awkward because as someone I knew back in
Speaker 1: the day, but I do appreciate that I don't know
Speaker 1: who that I don't know who that guy is. But
Speaker 1: thank you. And that's the kind of advertising we're looking for, guest,
Speaker 1: We're looking for word of mouth advertising. Hanging out at
Speaker 1: a seed biker bar with your friends and having a
Speaker 1: couple of drinks and then figuring that out. That's that's
Speaker 1: that's cool, So thank you for that. Now, if we
Speaker 1: can get that random guy in Denver to have his
Speaker 1: date listen to the podcast, that'd be better. And uh,
Speaker 1: I think that'd be really a fruitful thing for me.
Speaker 1: And concerned the fact that most of your female listeners
Speaker 1: come here for me, I think that's again you think this.
Speaker 1: You have this neuroses. Boy, did you get burned in
Speaker 1: last and last? Not this week, but last week's YouTube
Speaker 1: video for Benny versus p If you're watching live or
Speaker 1: on tape, guestcon start complaining, starts like a cry baby. Right,
Speaker 1: it's wine time. He's he's having a temper tantrum. I
Speaker 1: saw the numbers. You know he's having this hissy fit.
Speaker 1: There's no women, it's only men. You know he's making
Speaker 1: he's acting like the pampered West of the four oh
Speaker 1: five toddler being denied a toy at nap time. Uh,
Speaker 1: he's acting like that and toy flying off the hand.
Speaker 1: So then within the span of like a couple of minutes,
Speaker 1: all these women start sending messages in I'm here, I'm
Speaker 1: watching with my you know, husband, or I'm watching with
Speaker 1: my boyfriend or whatever, and you you got completely buried gascon.
Speaker 1: One second you're here, you're belly aching, you're criticizing, you're
Speaker 1: denouncing the Mallew militia as a bunch of deplorable dudes
Speaker 1: with no women. You're grumbling, and then bam, the ladies,
Speaker 1: the the female wing, the estrogen wing, and the malle
Speaker 1: Militia came out. And these ladies were throwing haymakers. They
Speaker 1: were kicking you in the nuts. And I love every
Speaker 1: step of it. Was great, it was it was a
Speaker 1: little humbling. I I might add to that. I was
Speaker 1: proud to see that when I looked at some of
Speaker 1: the numbers that the females did crack the analytics portion.
Speaker 1: And so we have a whopping two and a half
Speaker 1: percent of the of the general public that watch the
Speaker 1: YouTube videos are now females. So we put a little
Speaker 1: debt in that because that's what it was. It was
Speaker 1: twenty five to forty four years of age, and the
Speaker 1: demographics and It was all men until last week, and
Speaker 1: then all of a sudden, females started showing up. Spoiler alert,
Speaker 1: smoiler alert. The sports talk radio format, guest Guns of
Speaker 1: Education for you is a male driven format. That's the
Speaker 1: reason exists. It exists for dudes. It is the last bastion,
Speaker 1: the last frontier, the last place for men to be
Speaker 1: men and talk about balls. Right, No, but women love balls.
Speaker 1: Uh So, I guess I don't know any anyway, So
Speaker 1: thank you for the endorsement, and you should be downloading them.
Speaker 1: The YouTube thing. If you don't, you can't watch it live.
Speaker 1: You can't watch it live. You can still listen to
Speaker 1: it whenever. That's a great thing about the internet. All right,
Speaker 1: So we've got geeking out creatures, creatures or creators and varmints.
Speaker 1: Which one do you want? Let's go. Let's go geeking out,
Speaker 1: all right, geeking out? So I mentioned this on the
Speaker 1: radio show briefly, but I had a radio nerd moment.
Speaker 1: I had a radio nerd moment. Upgrading another, yet another
Speaker 1: upgrade from this, this remote studio, which I call Cassablanca,
Speaker 1: the remote studio, better equipment, top notch, all the way.
Speaker 1: Good location, location, location, location, the commute is very good. Uh,
Speaker 1: And so we have upgraded here the advertising because the
Speaker 1: company has me do these YouTube videos. Some of them
Speaker 1: have become We had one that one viral this week,
Speaker 1: which was pretty cool. That was fun to be part
Speaker 1: of a viral YouTube video. But we have now a
Speaker 1: mic flag. Now, if you're not in radio, it's probably like,
Speaker 1: who the hell cares about a mic flag? Big whoopie
Speaker 1: damn do. But when you're working radio and you have
Speaker 1: a mic flag, this is like a special geeky thing.
Speaker 1: So we have now from this point forward, when the
Speaker 1: videos go up, the YouTube videos, you will see uh,
Speaker 1: you will see the mic fluck and it's gonna make
Speaker 1: all the difference in the world. This is gonna this
Speaker 1: is gonna cause my salary to skyrocket, the listenership is
Speaker 1: gonna go up. It's going to be amazing. It is
Speaker 1: going to be amazing. So I geeked out. I was
Speaker 1: very excited. I sent some photos out on Instagram and Facebook.
Speaker 1: If you miss those, you can go back and scroll
Speaker 1: down and see them and click on them. And it's
Speaker 1: a beautiful looking mic flog. It's a good look at thing.
Speaker 1: Not really impressed, but it's fine. Well, let's see your
Speaker 1: mic flag about that. We'll do my mic flag versus
Speaker 1: your mic flag. Will have a pissing contest about that.
Speaker 1: I don't need a mic flag. I got my tie,
Speaker 1: I got my nice press dress shirt, I got my vest.
Speaker 1: That good stuff. People look at the people, look at
Speaker 1: the whole wardrobe. They don't look at the mic flag
Speaker 1: I like you do with the mic flag anyway, what's
Speaker 1: wrong with the mic flag? I don't know. Why are
Speaker 1: you triggered by the mic flog? It's a beautiful looking
Speaker 1: mic flag. How did the mic flag cause you any
Speaker 1: heartache other than making you look smaller than me? You
Speaker 1: are like a Saudi prince with all the gear that
Speaker 1: you have in Saudi prince what it is? I don't
Speaker 1: know if people understand how much equipment you have. They're
Speaker 1: all paid for by the company. No, no, that again again, Yes, Scott,
Speaker 1: you keep spreading this lie. Uh this studio is I'd
Speaker 1: call it smoke show. It's beautiful. But here's the thing
Speaker 1: I this was. I'm a self made man. I'm east
Speaker 1: of the four oh five. I got a call from
Speaker 1: w E. I'm Boston. Uh. They they've been very good
Speaker 1: to me. That radio station over the years, and they
Speaker 1: asked me, they said, hey, can you do some shows
Speaker 1: and we'd like to. You know, you can do it remotely.
Speaker 1: You don't have to move to Boston. You can do
Speaker 1: it remotely from l A. I know you're working at Fox.
Speaker 1: I said yes. So then we went back and forth
Speaker 1: and I decided and and at that time I was
Speaker 1: doing stuff in New z Land on Radio Sport in
Speaker 1: New Zealand, so I was doing a lot of extra
Speaker 1: work on the side, and so I said, I gotta
Speaker 1: put a studio in here. That was back we had
Speaker 1: an I S D N line. Now we don't use
Speaker 1: we have the newest technology. But I went out and
Speaker 1: I pieced it together and I got, uh, let's see
Speaker 1: the one to three four pieces of equipment actually five six,
Speaker 1: there's six pieces of equipment in here. And put it
Speaker 1: together and I brought in my guy, Jake Warner, stay
Speaker 1: awake with Jake to do some of the wiring because
Speaker 1: I had the wire in a little off um and
Speaker 1: that was it. And so but I I paid for
Speaker 1: all of the guests, got what radio company I Cowherd
Speaker 1: could get a studio built at his house, and paid
Speaker 1: for the overnight guy, not not gonna happen. It's just
Speaker 1: the way it is. Guest, you got the mic flags,
Speaker 1: so you you can weigh that fucking thing around and
Speaker 1: be happy about it. That's the one thing you didn't
Speaker 1: pay for obviously then right well, no, the mike flags
Speaker 1: right there, it's part of the package. It's part of
Speaker 1: the deal. I got the banner behind me now, the
Speaker 1: official banner. It's good looking good. Why didn't you get
Speaker 1: me a benny versus the penny banner? I could have
Speaker 1: put that up. Bad job by you? Why would I
Speaker 1: do that marketing advertising? I'm everything I'm doing, I'm doing
Speaker 1: pro bono. I'm doing for the greater good, for the
Speaker 1: greater that would be for the greater good. We'd see
Speaker 1: the background. They said, this is a professional show. Like
Speaker 1: I can't go, I can't go into more debt for you,
Speaker 1: like I need? What do they say? What do they
Speaker 1: say on a tease? How about a payoff? What the
Speaker 1: fun is? You know? Debt payoff? Guest, con debt is
Speaker 1: not really reality? You know why? Because I could die
Speaker 1: and I'm not. Yes, the moment you die, your debt
Speaker 1: goes to zero. You no longer have a debt. That's
Speaker 1: not true. Really, how is that not true? How can
Speaker 1: you pay off your debts when you're dead? Well know
Speaker 1: someone will have to pay it off for you. So yeah,
Speaker 1: not necessarily. Not necessarily to say that you think these
Speaker 1: politicians are worried about the U. S. National debt, for example,
Speaker 1: I'm not. Yeah, you think anyone says, maybe we shouldn't
Speaker 1: spend that money because we don't want to have it,
Speaker 1: and you think they ever ever? No, of course not.
Speaker 1: It's just a bullshit number that they have. And you know,
Speaker 1: there's that website was a US Debt clock dot org.
Speaker 1: And you can keep tracking. Your head will spin. What
Speaker 1: it's What is the U? S? National That it's trillion?
Speaker 1: Is that what it is? Or billion? Or is it
Speaker 1: billion or trillion? Probably trillion. I'll be curious to see
Speaker 1: what happens with us in the United States and in
Speaker 1: China after COVID is uh long gon since But by
Speaker 1: by the way, I just clicked on the US Debt
Speaker 1: clock dot org. Oh my god, the numbers are so
Speaker 1: just spinning out of control. I'm gonna I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: some kind of uh some kind of reaction here, Yes,
Speaker 1: and I might I gotta click off this year. This
Speaker 1: is crazy. Now do you ever click on the doomsday clock?
Speaker 1: I thought we already reached that this year, didn't we
Speaker 1: already reached doomsday? Isn't this doomsday? Were living in doomsday?
Speaker 1: It's not that bad. Yeah. No, we're supposed to have
Speaker 1: don't forget. We're supposed to have an asteroid hit planet
Speaker 1: Earth just before the election. Alright, it'll be good. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: I know. I what is the doomsday clock website? I'll
Speaker 1: go on it right now. Is it uh? Def con level?
Speaker 1: Does it? Defcon levels? Says? We are at eleven? About
Speaker 1: that hundred seconds, hundred seconds away. It's all but over.
Speaker 1: Make your final final push her. Guest gon It's all
Speaker 1: but over all right, Critters environments, critters environments, critters environments.
Speaker 1: So exciting news here, guest gon U. There is a interloper,
Speaker 1: an uninvited guest in the Mallard mansion. I mentioned this
Speaker 1: also briefly. I will expand on it. Mentioned it briefly
Speaker 1: the day on the radio. But I have an uninvited,
Speaker 1: uninvited house guest, uh, and I've been unable to cut
Speaker 1: them off at the past. So in the attic above
Speaker 1: the Mallard mansion, I hear a critter or a varmint,
Speaker 1: not sure which running amuck at night. I don't hear
Speaker 1: during the day but at night, so I guess it
Speaker 1: sleeps during the day, which means it's probably nocturnal. And
Speaker 1: it runs around and does its thing, and la la
Speaker 1: la la la la la la la, and and I
Speaker 1: think it's working out for the NFL draft as much
Speaker 1: running as it's doing here. It's training for the Olympics.
Speaker 1: So I have to decide. And we mentioned this on
Speaker 1: the show. What I have not made a final decision
Speaker 1: here because we only mentioned it briefly. People were very
Speaker 1: excited to give me their advice. Uh, but it is
Speaker 1: concerning when I hear this. I'm doing the show and
Speaker 1: it's you know, it's one, two, three in the morning,
Speaker 1: and I hear this thing running over my head. So
Speaker 1: it's some kind of creature to be named later that
Speaker 1: is running sprints and I'm running the forty running running around,
Speaker 1: getting workout in. It's been going on for a couple
Speaker 1: of weeks now, I think it's actually been about a month.
Speaker 1: And I didn't hear My wife heard it, and the
Speaker 1: family heard it, and I didn't hear it. And I
Speaker 1: finally started to hear it. I guess the creature was
Speaker 1: bothered that I didn't hear it. So now it's like
Speaker 1: working right over the studio. It's like I gotta let
Speaker 1: that asshole Mallard know that I'm here. And so, yeah,
Speaker 1: and I don't know whether it's a rat. I don't
Speaker 1: think it's a rat because it sounds bigger. But it might.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's just because the way the buildings designed. Could
Speaker 1: be a squirrel. Eddie thinks it's a squirrel. Raccoons, how
Speaker 1: about that could be that. It could be weed man, hippie,
Speaker 1: could be weed man up there. But it's not skunk.
Speaker 1: That'd be awesome. I did see a skunk on my
Speaker 1: front launch. It could be a skunk. Well, why skunks
Speaker 1: only shoot there? You know they're poisonous gas is when
Speaker 1: they're scared. If it's not scared, what if it's a skunk,
Speaker 1: it could you know? That's Actually that's actually a good
Speaker 1: one because there was there was a skunk that I
Speaker 1: saw several times around the house. It's possible it figured
Speaker 1: out how to get into the attic and but how
Speaker 1: how does it eat though there's no food there? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a climb to I mean don't For people that
Speaker 1: know don't know, you have a three story house. So
Speaker 1: it's a big house. It's yeah, it's huge. May I
Speaker 1: recommend guest and you go get some bifocals. If you
Speaker 1: think I have a three story house, your jackass? What
Speaker 1: are you a donkey? What are you gonna do? How
Speaker 1: are you gonna exter? Well? I'm glad you asked, because
Speaker 1: I have four options here, all right? Four options? Now.
Speaker 1: Option number one is to take a piece of cheese
Speaker 1: and put poison all over it and toss it up
Speaker 1: in the attic and hope whatever is up there eats.
Speaker 1: That's option one. That's the simplest option, just a brief
Speaker 1: open of the attic, toss it up there, closed, the attic. Done.
Speaker 1: The problem with that is if said creature critter varmint
Speaker 1: eats the cheese and does die, I will then have
Speaker 1: the stench of a rotting carcass in my attic that
Speaker 1: I will be smelling until it finishes. It's the decomposing
Speaker 1: So do I really want that? No? I do not want.
Speaker 1: So that's option one, which is not Option A, which
Speaker 1: is not a great option Option B. Now that I'm
Speaker 1: the lean, mean Mallard record machine. I could go up
Speaker 1: there with a flashlight and a baseball bat and investigate.
Speaker 1: I'm skinny enough. I can get up there and walk
Speaker 1: around the attic and try to find out what's up there,
Speaker 1: which is rather scary because of the unknown. I've never
Speaker 1: been in the attic. I've had some people we've hired
Speaker 1: to put things in the house that have gone up there,
Speaker 1: but I've never gone up there myself. But we so
Speaker 1: we can have somebody go up there and like me
Speaker 1: and investigate and go full Rambo, put like battle armor
Speaker 1: on and go to battle it, said creature. Uh. The
Speaker 1: third option would be to hire a professional that's an
Speaker 1: animal control company. Now that is like a expensive proposition
Speaker 1: because I've heard this can get very expensive, very expensive
Speaker 1: depending on what it is, and so that's a big deal.
Speaker 1: You even want to spend that money. Now, the other
Speaker 1: option I have, the fourth option, is to do nothing
Speaker 1: and just hope that it leaves on its owner it dies.
Speaker 1: That's the that's the fourth option. Now. I did get
Speaker 1: a message from Tammy and Montana who said that I
Speaker 1: can go to the Humane Society and possibly get a
Speaker 1: rental cage that I could put up there. You know,
Speaker 1: the kind of thing where the animal goes in and
Speaker 1: it drops, you know, put the put the cheese or
Speaker 1: whatever in there, and the creature goes in, and then
Speaker 1: the cage clothes. I could do that. I don't really
Speaker 1: know if that's a thing, if that's real. Tammy thinks
Speaker 1: it is. So, so those are my options. I have
Speaker 1: to decide what I want to do. I think you
Speaker 1: need to get someone to come in for you, higher professional.
Speaker 1: So that's what the west of the four or five
Speaker 1: crowd would do. No, this is the advice I'm giving
Speaker 1: you because things have gone wrong, and things have gone
Speaker 1: horribly wrong for many of people. You don't need to
Speaker 1: be climbing on a ladder to get up there only
Speaker 1: to God forbid fall to your demise. What do you
Speaker 1: think I want to fall through the roof and die.
Speaker 1: You can fall on the ladder. You can fall through
Speaker 1: the roof. There's no I have. I have my sensibilities.
Speaker 1: I have not completely well. I know you think I'm
Speaker 1: a thousand years old and I've lost it. I've not
Speaker 1: lost it. But there's more bad things that can happen
Speaker 1: than good things. Yeah, I think of a story though,
Speaker 1: life's all about the story gets right didn't I tell
Speaker 1: you that? Isn't that one of the lines? Right, That's
Speaker 1: one of the profound things that I said. All right,
Speaker 1: so if you go up there, then can you at
Speaker 1: least have someone videotape you're going up there? Uh? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean I I could. There's a way. I still
Speaker 1: have to eat the bull testicle, so I have to
Speaker 1: take that first, and my wife has yet to procure
Speaker 1: the bull balls, and uh but she's gonna have me
Speaker 1: do it. I want you to know those are some
Speaker 1: of you sending me message you're not actually gonna do it.
Speaker 1: You like, no, uh now, I don't want to do it.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you right now, full disclosure. I want
Speaker 1: to do it. But my wife thinks it's great and
Speaker 1: she's unfortunately she's using my advice against me because I'm like,
Speaker 1: you know, listen, if we can't find it, we can't
Speaker 1: find it, we can't find the bullballs, then not so
Speaker 1: be it. But she's like, no, no, no, life's all
Speaker 1: about the stories. So we'll pick up the story. I'll
Speaker 1: do one. That's it deep Fried. Although I'm a little
Speaker 1: concerned because our friend shell Shock, the truck driver, the
Speaker 1: Great truck Driver, shell Shock who calls into the show
Speaker 1: occasionally said that he did eat a bull testicle. No,
Speaker 1: he said it was disgusting and even though it was
Speaker 1: deep fried and breaded, just like I'm planning on doing.
Speaker 1: But he said it didn't matter. He said it was
Speaker 1: it was horrible. Yeah, And that's the problemcy Like, if
Speaker 1: I didn't know it was the testy of a bowl,
Speaker 1: I might not hate it. But it's that lack of
Speaker 1: of what do they say, cognitive dissidence. I know what
Speaker 1: it is. I'm aware of it. If I didn't know,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't have an issue with it as much until
Speaker 1: I because it's after. It's after the fact. This disaster
Speaker 1: would have been completely avoided if Paul George had played better,
Speaker 1: Kawhi Leonard had made a shot in the second half. Yes,
Speaker 1: I agree with you. I agree with you. And now
Speaker 1: you're gonna worry about the Lakers winning an NBA title.
Speaker 1: I'm not worried about that. No one's watching the NBA. Please.
Speaker 1: The NBA has done Once the Clippers are out, people
Speaker 1: stop watching. We all know that. And the Miami Heat
Speaker 1: are gonna come back. He doesn't look like they're gonna
Speaker 1: come back, but they're gonna come back. Don't sleep on
Speaker 1: the heat. Do not do it because you'll get burned. Wow,
Speaker 1: that's pretty original. Thank you. Speaking of which, I got
Speaker 1: a Matt Stairs story for you. The great Matt Stairs,
Speaker 1: the great Canadian fat Hope. Yeah, the one that absolutely
Speaker 1: destroyed Jonathan Broxton. I was at that game, said yes,
Speaker 1: I was sitting waiting. We were anticipating the Dodgers beating
Speaker 1: the Phillies and they were gonna win the series and
Speaker 1: they're gonna go to the World Series. And wait, wait,
Speaker 1: Matt Stairs, it's a moonshot into the pavilion ball has
Speaker 1: not even landed yet. Anyways, I I got a an
Speaker 1: interesting text message earlier this week. No, not from Matt stas,
Speaker 1: but fill me out on this thing. So I got
Speaker 1: a random text message from someone we we both mutually know,
Speaker 1: and it's individual Tom Looney. No, definitely not Tom Looney. Uh.
Speaker 1: This gentleman said, hey, um, some things are happening next
Speaker 1: week and I could use your help. And so I said, well,
Speaker 1: what do you need? What do you what do you
Speaker 1: need to help with? And he told me what the
Speaker 1: circumstances are. And so on Wednesday night, Um, I've been
Speaker 1: I've been named as a as a pinch hitter, and
Speaker 1: I will formally announce that I will be producing your
Speaker 1: show on Wednesday Night Finds uh road style. I know
Speaker 1: you don't like to listen to a lot of people
Speaker 1: and you kind of run off on your own way.
Speaker 1: But wait, wait, wait, I'm gonna be forced to have
Speaker 1: you on your going to be on the Show's not
Speaker 1: really forced more like against me. I was not consulted
Speaker 1: on this where why as you said, you're not a consultant. Uh,
Speaker 1: if you will know, But I mean, I'm the host
Speaker 1: of the show. Shouldn't I have shouldn't I have a
Speaker 1: say on who comes in here? We're gonna have Ralph
Speaker 1: coming into the updates, so that Finley character one of
Speaker 1: those two guys that yeah, my god, you don't go
Speaker 1: one of my human lab rat. And they're just testing
Speaker 1: things out on me. It's like a weird science experiment
Speaker 1: pretty much. Let's test out mallard. It's going to Frankenstein's
Speaker 1: lab and see what we can do with the test tubes. Well,
Speaker 1: when you start going into the radio studio, then you
Speaker 1: might have a say I go into a radio studio
Speaker 1: every single day. I'm in here every single day with
Speaker 1: tremendous equipment. This is one of the better radio stations
Speaker 1: I've ever worked at. Here, this studio. It's amazing because
Speaker 1: you don't need to talk to anybody when you're in there.
Speaker 1: It's great, it's wonderful. I come in here, I got
Speaker 1: my commute. I'm able to make it. I got my
Speaker 1: lunch pail. When I make my commute, go in here,
Speaker 1: sit down, put my lunch pail down, and I go
Speaker 1: to work. I go to work. I am no different
Speaker 1: than the construction worker. I'm no different than the truck
Speaker 1: driver going eight hundred miles. I'm I'm not putting my
Speaker 1: feet up like the west of the four oh five
Speaker 1: crowd over there. So with that being said, I need
Speaker 1: to I put in a couple of requests a few
Speaker 1: days in advance. I do not want a text message
Speaker 1: at three am saying I need this, that and the other. Um.
Speaker 1: I need you to abide by my clock and I
Speaker 1: need you to follow my rundown to a tea. There
Speaker 1: will be no Laker bashing, no broncos. Yes, well, you
Speaker 1: keep wishing that, you know, you wish that into reality
Speaker 1: and see if it happens. And you can add a
Speaker 1: pinch of salt if you want as well, maybe that'll help.
Speaker 1: That's one thing I forgot to ask Peter. I wonder
Speaker 1: how often he actually listened or followed his producer, because
Speaker 1: most that do and do not well. There are some
Speaker 1: that are beholden to their producers and are absolutely helpless
Speaker 1: without their producer, which is these are their these are
Speaker 1: their confidants. It is amazing when you think about you
Speaker 1: could have one of these jobs and be so helpless
Speaker 1: without someone leading you. You have to be like on
Speaker 1: a leash and your your dog owners carrying. It's wild.
Speaker 1: I'm amazed that people can rise to levels of success
Speaker 1: and not have the just the I don't know ambitions
Speaker 1: the right word, but the desire to do it with them,
Speaker 1: them their leadership. And I'm saying this right, but it's
Speaker 1: like they just the computers has to line everything up
Speaker 1: and then rundown and it's like segment by segment and
Speaker 1: it's like really not. Have you ever had a producer
Speaker 1: that got in your ear and said you need to
Speaker 1: talk about this as opposed to this. Oh yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: been sure. I've had that in in the past. When
Speaker 1: I was early in my career, I had a donkey
Speaker 1: of a producer one time, who's if you don't want
Speaker 1: to talk about this, just go home. He told me
Speaker 1: to leave, told me to leave a show if I
Speaker 1: didn't want to talk about what he wanted me to
Speaker 1: talk about it. Didn't you send me a YouTube video
Speaker 1: of a couple of hosts that we're doing that, oh
Speaker 1: yeah in Philadelphia, and oh yeah, well there was one
Speaker 1: in Texas, and there was one in Philadelphia. There was
Speaker 1: a guy in Houston. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. It was great.
Speaker 1: It was great. And it's like everyone in the business
Speaker 1: that was a few weeks ago Funhouse had it on
Speaker 1: his his side. But these two local yachts in Houston
Speaker 1: are going back in worth and the one guy is
Speaker 1: getting frustrated because he told the other guy to do
Speaker 1: something and the guy's like, I'm trying to do it
Speaker 1: right now, you know. And and so this is debate
Speaker 1: who's wrong And I was the guy that was complaining
Speaker 1: or the guy that was saying, I'm doing it right now,
Speaker 1: And my I was always on the guy that was
Speaker 1: complaining because that's one of them. We talked with Peter
Speaker 1: about this. When you do a show with someone else
Speaker 1: and they don't carry their end of the bargain. They
Speaker 1: don't carry their weight. It is the most painful experience, right,
Speaker 1: it's the most painful experience because there's gotta be this
Speaker 1: level of synergy when you do a two man show
Speaker 1: to make it work and two groups working together for
Speaker 1: the better good. But then when you do it with
Speaker 1: someone who's a lazy slack off in a stumble bum uh,
Speaker 1: then the some of the parts are actually greater than
Speaker 1: the whole. And that's not the way it's supposed to be, right,
Speaker 1: if one person is doing it, the other person not,
Speaker 1: and then it's so I totally emphasized to emphasize with
Speaker 1: that that guy that was complaining because he told the
Speaker 1: guy to do this, the guys, I'll do it during
Speaker 1: the show. That's like the Shaquille O'Neil line from back
Speaker 1: in the day, right, remember the great shock line when
Speaker 1: he was playing for the Lakers. He got hurt and
Speaker 1: then he waited right before training camp to have the surgery,
Speaker 1: and he said, I got hurt on company times, so
Speaker 1: I'll heal on company time. So that that's the mindset,
Speaker 1: that's the lazy mindset of that talk. Traw host in
Speaker 1: Houston was like, Hey, I'm only getting paid to do
Speaker 1: the show. I'm not getting paid to prep, so I'll
Speaker 1: just wait till i'm in here, and um sorry, I'll
Speaker 1: float on the lazy river of mediocrity and I'll do
Speaker 1: this only when I'm in the studio. And that's good
Speaker 1: because you could usually identify those type of cats first
Speaker 1: segment in five, eight, ten minutes in yeah, and then
Speaker 1: you know if they've prepped or not. And then well,
Speaker 1: it's like I always mocked every year the people that
Speaker 1: have the audacity around the holidays. It's the Mallard Handbook
Speaker 1: to Thanksgiving and Christmas Radio thanks Giving. Who would you
Speaker 1: like to invite in sports dead or alive to Thanksgiving dinner? Right?
Speaker 1: Who gets an extra helping of turkey? Who gets who
Speaker 1: gets a small piece of of of mashed potatoes? What's that?
Speaker 1: I was gonna say? Your top five Thanksgiving entrees or meals?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, your side, your favorite Thanksgiving side dish,
Speaker 1: call in right now. And then Chris Chris Diehearted Christmas
Speaker 1: movie Yesterday, Christmas. Who's been naughty? Who's been nice? That's
Speaker 1: always hilarious for Christmas. And it's it's just laziness, right,
Speaker 1: It's just loafing lollygagging around. It's a chrome when I
Speaker 1: hear a host do those kind of topics. It is
Speaker 1: a chronic case of I d G F. You know
Speaker 1: what that is? I d g A F A flying
Speaker 1: fuck exactly, Big, exact mundo, correct the mundo. That's how
Speaker 1: it is. So that Big said you better act your
Speaker 1: fucking part on Wednesday. I bring it part. I bring
Speaker 1: it every single day. I I have the gift of
Speaker 1: hosting a radio show. Do you understand that the power
Speaker 1: that that is, but really the responsibility. And I'm not
Speaker 1: blowing smoke here again, I'm not whistling Dixie here. I'm
Speaker 1: not like the the thing about when you owse the show.
Speaker 1: What's the most important commodity that you have the most
Speaker 1: important commodity that you have? Your voice? No, your time,
Speaker 1: if someone's willing to give you your time. I'm talking
Speaker 1: about the listen. No, no, I'm talking about the listen.
Speaker 1: I mean that's I mean. You can get more money.
Speaker 1: You can you know, you'll lose money or get money.
Speaker 1: You can make new friends, you can lose friends, but
Speaker 1: you only get a certain finite amount of time, and
Speaker 1: that you don't even know how much you get. You
Speaker 1: don't even know how much you get, and if you're
Speaker 1: willing to spend time listening to somebody and give up
Speaker 1: your time, and that is a huge deal. And I
Speaker 1: don't I don't just sweep that under the rug. I don't.
Speaker 1: I think that's a big deal. So you try to
Speaker 1: do a good job. Either that or maybe we can
Speaker 1: come in and take it like a new Scanne and
Speaker 1: then we can go out and you know, go have
Speaker 1: a dinner somewhere or something. You drive to Orange County
Speaker 1: and have a dinner because the restaurants are open. You're
Speaker 1: celebrating your second visit ever. Last week on Betty Versus
Speaker 1: the Penny, here's their second visit ever during the pandemic.
Speaker 1: The restaurant. Yes, I've eaten out twice since March and
Speaker 1: at the same restaurant, this Mexican restaurant in Orange County
Speaker 1: that my dad we used to go to when I
Speaker 1: was younger, and so we used to go there. You
Speaker 1: in the midsts didn't eat out when you guys went
Speaker 1: up to uh like Central Cally. Oh well that's true, yeah,
Speaker 1: but I'm talking about in l A. Yeah, we went
Speaker 1: to uh yeah, the Madonna in My wife loves the
Speaker 1: Madonna and you ever been to the Madonna in San
Speaker 1: Louis Obispo. It is the most gaudy, over the top hotel.
Speaker 1: It's on the hill looking at the freeway there and
Speaker 1: it's every room is a theme. You know, it's like
Speaker 1: women love this hotel, Gisco and gay guys. But you
Speaker 1: should bring you should bring you know, somebody, lady friend
Speaker 1: or whatever. You know, maybe you can meet halfway and
Speaker 1: hanging out there. You know, it's a pretty good idea.
Speaker 1: Was it a pretty penny? It depends on what day
Speaker 1: you go. It's it's not that bad. It's not by
Speaker 1: your standards west of the four oh five, you would
Speaker 1: think this is a fleabag hotel, but your standards if
Speaker 1: you go up there. Let me know that because my
Speaker 1: wife loves the They have these cups and she likes
Speaker 1: the Madonna in cups, so I'm not kidding, but cups
Speaker 1: or what there's these big glass like I don't know
Speaker 1: how to describe, sound like medieval times when like the
Speaker 1: you know, you go, yes, it's unique, right, yeah, goblet's exactly. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they're goblets. That's what they're One day, well, today's today's
Speaker 1: to day. You can do it. We have pop quiz.
Speaker 1: You want to do pop quiz here? Yes, all right,
Speaker 1: I don't know, we're getting a little long in the tooth. Really,
Speaker 1: you know what, we want to save pop Quiz to
Speaker 1: the Sunday podcast. It might be a good idea, right,
Speaker 1: all right, are loaded tomorrow with with I have a
Speaker 1: lot of questions and I know you don't like answering
Speaker 1: them because they're awkward for you. But we can do
Speaker 1: pop quiz and we can do the questions. Sure, okay,
Speaker 1: I'll see you tomorrow. Then, all right, listen, thank you again.
Speaker 1: You still time. It's Saturday. You can get Benny versus
Speaker 1: the Penny on the YouTube every game being played on
Speaker 1: Sunday and Monday. Will break it down for your handicap
Speaker 1: a talk about the matchup, who I think is gonna win,
Speaker 1: who you should bet on, marginal handicapping advice, Benny versus
Speaker 1: the Penny and if you don't like that, well go
Speaker 1: to cameo dot com. Cameo dot com Ben Maller personalized
Speaker 1: video message, love to have you part of that. We've
Speaker 1: done a number of cameos for super fans of the
Speaker 1: show pe Ones and if you haven't had one yet,
Speaker 1: uh do anythay birthday shout outs, bar Mitzvah's weddings, funerals.
Speaker 1: You name it, good, bad, or ugly. Just want a
Speaker 1: a positive message, We would love to give you that,
Speaker 1: or me ranting about something. I had a guy that
Speaker 1: paid for a cameo to have me say good things
Speaker 1: about the Lakers, which was very awkward. Which was very awkward,
Speaker 1: but I did it anyway, So cameo dot com have
Speaker 1: a great day. We'll catch you next time. Be sure
Speaker 1: to ken live editions of The Ben Miller Show weekdays
Speaker 1: at two am Eastern eleven pm Pacific