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Speaker 1: If you have your own story of being in a

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Speaker 1: cult or a high control group.

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Speaker 2: Or if you've had experience with manipulation or abusive power

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Speaker 2: that you'd like to share.

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Speaker 1: Leave us a message on our hotline number at three

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Speaker 1: four seven eight sex trust.

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Speaker 2: That's three four seven eight six eight seven eight seven eight,

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Speaker 2: or she had.

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Speaker 1: Us an email at trust Me pod at gmail dot com.

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Speaker 2: Trust me, trust me.

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Speaker 3: I'm like a swat person.

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Speaker 4: I've never lied to you.

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Speaker 5: If you think.

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Speaker 2: That one person has all the answers, don't welcome to

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Speaker 2: trust Me. The podcast about colds, extreme belief and manipulation

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Speaker 2: from two dreamers who've actually experienced it. I am Low

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Speaker 2: Lablong and I'm Megan Elizabeth, and today is part two

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Speaker 2: of our incredible interview with Margie Mozart. In this week's episode,

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Speaker 2: she's going to tell us about her wedding day as

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Speaker 2: an underage bride who had never been taught about sex,

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Speaker 2: what it was like being the second wife to her

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Speaker 2: sister's husband, and how painful it was to feel like

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Speaker 2: her dreams were dead.

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Speaker 1: We'll also talk about her second husband, how spending time

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Speaker 1: I'm in the hospital with her child led to staff

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Speaker 1: suspecting she was in an unhealthy relationship and how she

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Speaker 1: began to build a life outside the church and get

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Speaker 1: back to her dreams of living a life of music.

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Speaker 2: That's right, and we're going to end this episode with

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Speaker 2: a song of hers, an original Margie Mozart Beautiful, which

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Speaker 2: is beautiful. I feel like an interview we were just

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Speaker 2: doing with y'all will hear soon. We were referencing like

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Speaker 2: oh and Frozen and to me, like I feel like

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Speaker 2: it's that kind of songwriting that could be like in

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Speaker 2: a movie. You know what I mean? Totally? I mean,

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Speaker 2: all right, absolutely before we get into it with Margie,

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Speaker 2: am I gonna tell me you're cult ing?

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Speaker 1: Okay. I've been watching a new documentary on HBO right now.

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Speaker 1: I'm actually not sure how new it is a documentary.

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Speaker 1: I've been watching a documentary. It's called let Us Pray

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Speaker 1: p R e Y. I think that's a ministry of scandals.

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Speaker 1: It's about the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist IFB church. And I

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Speaker 1: notice a verse in it that was used a lot,

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Speaker 1: and how these men were using it. I realized it's

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Speaker 1: a culty thing, and it's a verse in the Bible

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Speaker 1: that says, let he without sin throw the first stone,

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Speaker 1: which sounds like a totally innocuous verse. At first, I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I like that, But predators and really bad people are

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Speaker 1: using it in this documentary as kind of a oh,

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Speaker 1: you're gonna accuse me of something?

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Speaker 5: Are you sinless?

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Speaker 1: And I realized that that's kind of a common factor

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Speaker 1: in some of these fundamentalist churches, and so even the

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Speaker 1: nice verses can be tweaked a little bit.

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Speaker 2: Interesting, Yeah, that's the real manipulation. Although as we again

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Speaker 2: we'll talk about in another episode coming out that maybe

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Speaker 2: that even wasn't originally in the Bible. Yeah, but I

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Speaker 2: love the sentiment of that first though, because it's so important,

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Speaker 2: because black and white thinking, like expecting people to be

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Speaker 2: pure and totally sinless, right, and like this expectation of

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Speaker 2: moral purity is extremely culty. But then also if.

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Speaker 1: You're like the verses until it gets into the wrong

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Speaker 1: person's yes, right, well that's right.

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Speaker 2: Any good thing can be manipulated in the wrong hands.

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Speaker 1: I'd never really thought about it that way before. So anyway,

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Speaker 1: that's my cultiest thing of the week, just looking at

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Speaker 1: certain predators in their way of using verses like that

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Speaker 1: to suit their needs.

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Speaker 2: I mean, someone using a Bible verse to suit whatever

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Speaker 2: heard of.

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Speaker 1: I just haven't really looked at it as much with

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Speaker 1: that verse in particular for some reason until I saw

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Speaker 1: the show.

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Speaker 2: Well, because I feel like a lot of people will

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Speaker 2: just not admit that there's they've sinned at all. Astral

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Speaker 2: it's in your head, you made it up, You're crazy.

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Speaker 5: That's always That's a good one.

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Speaker 2: Tail classic classic, What about you?

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Speaker 1: What what's the cultiest thing that happened to you this week?

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Speaker 2: Well, I've been feeling so doomsday ish. Everything from the

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Speaker 2: war to the climate to AI is making me feel

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Speaker 2: like this total that's a compilation, isn't it.

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Speaker 6: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I mean I get how any cult right now or

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Speaker 2: any religion would be like end of the world is here.

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Speaker 2: I really feel like that. Jack and I have a

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Speaker 2: desire to like learn survival skills, and one of my

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Speaker 2: dreams is to buy a cabin in the wood somewhere

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Speaker 2: and like be off grid and listen, I'm not a camper, Like,

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Speaker 2: I don't have good skills, and I like comfort. I

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Speaker 2: enjoy comfort, but like if we had some solar panels

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Speaker 2: to give us the electricity and like I don't know,

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Speaker 2: fucking chickens or whatever, like this has been something that

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Speaker 2: we actually were like, should we take like a survival class,

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Speaker 2: should we like learn how to actually shoot the guns

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Speaker 2: that my grandpag you know, left me like I kind

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Speaker 2: of want to become a prepper, low key, like.

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Speaker 1: Just in case, you know, right, as I always say,

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Speaker 1: let me die with society. I'm not going into the woods.

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Speaker 1: I am fine. Yeah, I grew up on that farm.

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Speaker 2: Man. I believe in you.

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Speaker 5: I believe in you. Thank you.

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Speaker 2: I mean, no, I could do it. I know I'm

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Speaker 2: not being problem. The problem I mean, like I'm telling

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Speaker 2: I'm saying it to myself. Yeah I don't Oh, okay,

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Speaker 2: I the problem is like you know, I don't know you.

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Speaker 1: You don't need to be a prepper. You need to

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Speaker 1: be a pepper to yourself. Wow, really good?

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Speaker 2: Should we take that out?

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Speaker 4: No?

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Speaker 2: He should keep it it. I think I want to

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Speaker 2: be a survivalist, but like with a really beautiful cabin,

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Speaker 2: you know, like really well designed.

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Speaker 1: Listen, I these dreams I think can be easily made

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Speaker 1: a reality. I'm just having trouble keeping water, like earthquake water,

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Speaker 1: because I keep drinking either I get it and then

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Speaker 1: I'm always like but I'm thirsty and like the amount

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Speaker 1: of earthquake water I've drank in my life is like

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Speaker 1: when the big earthquake finally happens, I'm going to laugh

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Speaker 1: so hard as I die of dehydration, because it's like

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Speaker 1: it's very good. I also, I bought an earthquake kit

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Speaker 1: while I was in a relationship that only had enough

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Speaker 1: for one person.

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Speaker 5: Oh no, because it was cheaper.

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Speaker 2: Would you have given it to him though, or keep

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Speaker 2: it for yourself given it? I think he would have

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Speaker 2: given it to him and it.

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Speaker 1: No, I was just like I thought we could share it.

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Speaker 1: I'm just saying that, like, yeah, the like cheap nose

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Speaker 1: keeps winning, you know what I mean. Yeah, I'm not

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Speaker 1: meant for it.

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Speaker 2: Well, I keep saying, and Jack and I both keep saying, Oh,

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Speaker 2: we have to get an earthquake kit, and then we

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Speaker 2: just don't get it, so we're really bad preppers.

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Speaker 1: I still I think if you add a cabin, I

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Speaker 1: think I think you could do it.

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Speaker 2: I also grew up, and we can wrap this up.

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Speaker 2: This isn't that interesting. But I also grew up. You know,

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Speaker 2: in Mormonism they have you keep a store of non

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Speaker 2: perishables for up to a years worth. I think normal

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Speaker 2: and so to me, it's like, well, yeah, you keep

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Speaker 2: You know, if I lived in a city where there

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Speaker 2: were any basements, that's where I would keep all of

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Speaker 2: my candy goods and all of my pastas and all

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Speaker 2: my weird frozen venison of the deer that I killed.

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Speaker 2: Like that's what my whole childhood was. So it feels

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Speaker 2: that part feels very natural. Food storage.

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Speaker 1: Well, you know how I feel about manifesting. I think

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Speaker 1: it's real. So I'll put it on my vision board

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Speaker 1: for you and let's see what happens.

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Speaker 2: Not the end of the world though, but the cabin.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, so that's just you.

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Speaker 1: You You like that playboy girl who's out making cabins.

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Speaker 2: I'm obsessed with her.

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Speaker 5: I know you think your cabin is gonna look like that.

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Speaker 2: It's not.

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Speaker 5: I know.

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Speaker 2: I'm under no illusions that my cabin will look like that.

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Speaker 5: But they're beautiful.

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Speaker 2: You guys were talking about what I forget. Oh, Sarah Underwood, her,

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Speaker 2: her and her partner have built this amazing wonderland in

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Speaker 2: the woods called cabin Land.

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Speaker 5: And I Sarah, if the end of the world process

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Speaker 5: is coming, I will come to you.

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Speaker 2: Can we please come hang out with you? Also, you look,

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Speaker 2: you would look so cute in the apocalypse.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, you're a little like tenfoil outfits. That's

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Speaker 1: just something I read on a survival guide.

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Speaker 2: Oh cool. But in all seriousness, there is some tough

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Speaker 2: stuff that we are talking about in this episode as

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Speaker 2: a continuation from the interview last week, but it has

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Speaker 2: a really really heartfelt and thing that's right. Yeah, she's

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Speaker 2: really inspiring the way she came out of it all.

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Speaker 1: So at the end, just kiss. All right, let's begin,

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Speaker 1: let's do it going into this marriage day the next day.

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Speaker 1: You've heard your whole life how important marriage is. You've

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Speaker 1: heard how your whole salvation depends on it, almost but

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Speaker 1: do you know even what that means? Like do you

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Speaker 1: have you had any sex ed? Have you had any conversations?

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Speaker 4: No? No, not at all. I didn't know any of

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Speaker 4: that stuff. So so nothing nothing.

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Speaker 6: And this is the thing that's really kind of amazing,

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Speaker 6: because here I was, I durned seventeen. By that time,

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Speaker 6: most people know what their periods are about, and it's

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Speaker 6: not like so my mom was like, like I said,

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Speaker 6: I was the baby girls, So like there was like

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Speaker 6: she was writing music a lot, and I don't blame

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Speaker 6: her for blaming like.

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Speaker 4: You know, like, Mom, why didn't you ever tell me?

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Speaker 4: Because I never asked her?

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Speaker 6: And I never like I didn't really know there was

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Speaker 6: a question to ask, you know, I didn't really And

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Speaker 6: yet I had my friends who like, we would make

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Speaker 6: jokes that were like sexually, like they were sexual jokes

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Speaker 6: that was like like all of these like innuendos and

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Speaker 6: stuff that I had literally.

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Speaker 1: Knowing they were like I'm hilariously, we would lap our

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Speaker 1: butts off because we didn't know what the hell we

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Speaker 1: were just talking about.

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Speaker 4: And like I remember, because.

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Speaker 6: I had this, I have an older sister who's like

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Speaker 6: eight years older than me, and she raised me like

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Speaker 6: kind of in my mom's absence while my mom was

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Speaker 6: doing her like teaching and her you know, helping my

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Speaker 6: dad with his business and stuff like that. So my

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Speaker 6: big sister was kind of just there all the time

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Speaker 6: for me. And one day, even when even when I

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Speaker 6: started my period, my my mom wasn't there, my big

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Speaker 6: sister was there, and I remember like being like, oh,

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Speaker 6: I think I'm.

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Speaker 4: Going to die. I think, And then my sister was like, oh,

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Speaker 4: I'll tell you what's going on, Okay.

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Speaker 6: Don't worry, and she helped me. And then I'm thinking,

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Speaker 6: like she's going to tell me what's going on. I'm

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Speaker 6: not dying of cancer or whatever where I thought I had.

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Speaker 6: And then she's like she tried to start telling me, like, so,

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Speaker 6: this is what a woman's body does to prepare for

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Speaker 6: having babies, and I said, well, I'm not a woman

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Speaker 6: and I'm not having.

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Speaker 4: Kids right now, so why do I have to go

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Speaker 4: through this?

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Speaker 6: And that's literally like she she tried to explain that.

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Speaker 4: I was so irritated. I'm so mad the fact that

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Speaker 4: this was happening to me that I didn't even let

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Speaker 4: her tell me so honestly, like you know, like I

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Speaker 4: had no like I don't, I don't know what would

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Speaker 4: have been said. And even right now, like to this day,

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Speaker 4: I'm like, man, I don't even know how to tell

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Speaker 4: like my own kid what to do, Like I mean,

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Speaker 4: I would just know what.

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Speaker 1: It's Awkwards are so important, right, they tell you themselves.

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Speaker 2: But I can imagine going into that marriage as a

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Speaker 2: teenager with no understanding of what sex is must have

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Speaker 2: been very traumatizing.

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Speaker 6: It was this was my experience when that happened, and

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Speaker 6: I when the whole like what's called the confirmation. When

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Speaker 6: that happened, I just remember I was absolutely terrified, and

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Speaker 6: I remember.

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Speaker 4: Just being like thinking, this is going to just this

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Speaker 4: will get over. And I had my arm.

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Speaker 6: I remember like just had my arm over my face

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Speaker 6: and was like this will end. And the next day

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Speaker 6: I went to church the next day, and I remember

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Speaker 6: like knowing that that's how everybody had to have babies.

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Speaker 6: And I remember just looking at all the men sitting

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Speaker 6: on the stand and knowing like and all these families coming.

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Speaker 4: In that were like their families and.

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Speaker 6: All their wives and all their children and like huge

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Speaker 6: families from one man.

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Speaker 4: And I just remember.

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Speaker 6: Being like, holy shit, these women all had to go

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Speaker 6: through what I went through last night, Like every single

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Speaker 6: one of these kids were this way, Like this happened

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Speaker 6: to every one of these women over and over and over,

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Speaker 6: Like these women like so many women, like ten eleven,

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Speaker 6: twelve kids, like was the regular, that's the norm.

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Speaker 4: And I just remember being like, how the hell could

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Speaker 4: they go through this over and over and over? I

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Speaker 4: just and that was my introduction into that. So my

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Speaker 4: it was it was a very like even though it

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Speaker 4: was something that I just had to let it happen.

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Speaker 6: And like it had to I knew that it wasn't

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Speaker 6: something I could like like prevent.

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Speaker 4: It wasn't something that I was.

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Speaker 6: And then the like, even in the years after, you know,

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Speaker 6: the four years that I was a part of that marriage,

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Speaker 6: I was a very like everything. I mean even leaving

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Speaker 6: there and getting out of everything, I just remember being like,

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Speaker 6: how could that be something that was fun for people?

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Speaker 6: Like when people might like talk about how people were

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Speaker 6: having fun and like it was a fun thing, I

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Speaker 6: was like, yay, why why would people think that was fun?

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Speaker 4: I couldn't quite understand. But I also went through a time.

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Speaker 6: During my marriage of like, like especially when the second

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Speaker 6: the third wife got married. I feel like the first

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Speaker 6: wife was so amazing of a woman, and she was

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Speaker 6: like too my big.

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Speaker 4: She was like super open minded, she was like never.

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Speaker 6: Like I didn't feel like there was like jealousy between

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Speaker 6: she and I. But the third wife comes along, and

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Speaker 6: I'm like I felt jealousy and I felt like, oh

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Speaker 6: I got to be this, I got to be the wife,

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Speaker 6: Like how come I don't get to go she.

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Speaker 4: Went last time?

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Speaker 6: You know, Like I mean those weren't like outward questions necessarily.

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Speaker 6: I mean sometimes they were, but it was like I

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Speaker 6: felt like I had to be like the special wife.

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Speaker 6: And so even then, even with the jealousy of wanting

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Speaker 6: to be the special wife, it's so bizarre to me,

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Speaker 6: especially now right now, like looking back on everything and going,

291
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:41,079
Speaker 6: this is so bizarre because I still I never ever

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Speaker 6: ever wanted to be with him.

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Speaker 4: I never wanted to be there, and yet I was there.

294
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Speaker 6: Being like this good wife, this good mother, doing everything

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Speaker 6: I can.

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Speaker 4: And I remember even like at that time the time

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Speaker 4: I got married, many girls were getting married but were

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Speaker 4: like fourteen, fifteen, sixteen year old girls.

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Speaker 6: Like when I was fourteen years old, one of my

300
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,080
Speaker 6: best friends got married when they were the same age,

301
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Speaker 6: like fifteen years old. My best friend's getting married, sixteen

302
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Speaker 6: years old. My best friends getting married, you know, Like

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Speaker 6: so I was like actually quite old.

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Speaker 4: By the time I got married. I was like like

305
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Speaker 4: literally an older girl.

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Speaker 6: And I just remember like a lot of these girls

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00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,680
Speaker 6: had a damn hard time because they didn't want.

308
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,280
Speaker 4: To be married to that guy. They didn't want to

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Speaker 4: be married to that person.

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Speaker 6: They were married to, and so there they outwardly in

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Speaker 6: public would be like, you know, like don't want to

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Speaker 6: hold their hand, and I was like, like they'd sit

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Speaker 6: next to him, but it was like, look, I want

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Speaker 6: to be here, and they were like, you know, kind

315
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Speaker 6: of be in little shits.

316
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Speaker 2: Well yeah, it's like their gross uncle or whatever.

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Speaker 4: Like yes.

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Speaker 6: But like when I got married, I was told, like

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Speaker 6: someone very close to me, it was like, if you

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00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,840
Speaker 6: don't like your husband, just pretend that you do.

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Speaker 4: Like, we don't want to see some girl being you know,

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Speaker 4: a little brat when they get married.

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Speaker 6: And I was like, okay, yeah that I promise I

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Speaker 6: will pretend I like him, and I when I got married,

325
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Speaker 6: by damn, I pretended.

326
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:04,280
Speaker 4: And I was like, even though it was like outwardly,

327
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Speaker 4: I really did. I remember at one point, I'm like

328
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Speaker 4: sitting up against the one door clear across the other

329
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Speaker 4: side of.

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Speaker 6: The truck and he was driving, and here came that

331
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,800
Speaker 6: person that was like told me you better, you better

332
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Speaker 6: pretend that you like your husband. And I saw them

333
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:19,760
Speaker 6: coming towards this, and I like scootered clear over gets

334
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,080
Speaker 6: him like and then we passed and we made like

335
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,360
Speaker 6: and then I remember, say day passed and I screwed

336
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,400
Speaker 6: away from the from him against.

337
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,600
Speaker 4: The door again, and he was like what was that

338
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:28,080
Speaker 4: all about?

339
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,320
Speaker 6: And I was like, oh I was It was just

340
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:33,440
Speaker 6: the thing like just kind of like didn't want to

341
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,000
Speaker 6: say I have to pretend.

342
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:35,200
Speaker 4: I like it.

343
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,920
Speaker 6: I was like it was you know, but that was

344
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:45,840
Speaker 6: it was like psychologically, I I don't know, it was

345
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,880
Speaker 6: like as if I had to actually become I remember

346
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:52,760
Speaker 6: like before I got married, I was would where like

347
00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:54,760
Speaker 6: whatever I could get away with, as far as like

348
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:58,320
Speaker 6: whatever the latest passion was with with, you.

349
00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:02,200
Speaker 4: Know, the parameters of being FLDS girl. So going to

350
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,640
Speaker 4: high school like being able to like I was just

351
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:07,280
Speaker 4: I would just wear whatever. You know. My dad was

352
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,000
Speaker 4: super like chill about what I wore and everything. And

353
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:13,040
Speaker 4: I was never like naked. I was never like, you know,

354
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:14,560
Speaker 4: wearing pants or anything like that.

355
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,200
Speaker 6: But I was just wearing something that was in style.

356
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,040
Speaker 6: It was in style for the day that I was

357
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:22,120
Speaker 6: going to high school. And and then when I got married,

358
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:26,480
Speaker 6: on my clothes, literally every single way I combed my hair,

359
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:30,120
Speaker 6: the way I talked, everything was shut down immediately. It

360
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:35,080
Speaker 6: was like like one time, I take it within you know,

361
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,960
Speaker 6: days after or maybe weeks after I'd gotten married, and

362
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,800
Speaker 6: I could see on the caller ID that it was

363
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,040
Speaker 6: my sister calling, and so I picked it up and

364
00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:47,200
Speaker 6: I was like, really, my personality is like.

365
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:51,200
Speaker 4: No, you know, like, isn't it the beautiful day? Because

366
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:51,840
Speaker 4: I could see.

367
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:55,400
Speaker 6: Who it was on the car id, you know, he

368
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,440
Speaker 6: he heard me and he just was like and I said,

369
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,320
Speaker 6: and she's like hey, and then she talk to.

370
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,160
Speaker 4: Me for a second when she asked for my sister.

371
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:04,240
Speaker 4: So I put it on hold and I went to

372
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,040
Speaker 4: go get my sister and he just stopped me and

373
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:08,320
Speaker 4: he's like, don't you ever pick up the phone like

374
00:17:08,359 --> 00:17:09,320
Speaker 4: that in my home again.

375
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,959
Speaker 6: And I was like, oh, I'm so sorry, like, and

376
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,879
Speaker 6: he's like that is light mindedness and it's not acceptable

377
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:15,440
Speaker 6: in my home.

378
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:16,639
Speaker 4: And I was like okay.

379
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:18,640
Speaker 6: And I knew at that time, like okay, he can't

380
00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:22,000
Speaker 6: be yourself like that bad self, Like don't you know.

381
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:25,080
Speaker 4: Like it was like a night my clothing, Like I'd

382
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:27,959
Speaker 4: get ready to go somewhere and I'd come out and

383
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,159
Speaker 4: he'd be like, go.

384
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,000
Speaker 6: Go back and change and give that out it away,

385
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,280
Speaker 6: you know, and I'd be like okay, like and then

386
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:36,119
Speaker 6: he approved of the ones that were very crumpy and

387
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:39,640
Speaker 6: very you know, absolutely not what I would wear. And

388
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:42,800
Speaker 6: he would be like that looks more like it. That's

389
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,040
Speaker 6: briga me Young wants us to be plain and comely.

390
00:17:55,359 --> 00:17:58,320
Speaker 5: It's just so hard your makeup and hair. I haven't

391
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:03,399
Speaker 5: I was perfect or wearing. I just can't imagine stifling this.

392
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,240
Speaker 2: Your soul is such a like free artist. You have

393
00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:11,240
Speaker 2: this rebel spirit and it's just being quashed.

394
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:13,600
Speaker 5: I don't understand how you did it. I would have

395
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:14,359
Speaker 5: lost my mind.

396
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:18,480
Speaker 6: Yeah, right, And honestly, it was like a lot of

397
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:23,240
Speaker 6: people like, you know how somebody goes through Like even

398
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:28,240
Speaker 6: my second marriage, my child that I had with my

399
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:33,119
Speaker 6: second husband, he was born within nine months later he

400
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:36,200
Speaker 6: was diagnosed with cancer, and a lot of people say

401
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:36,639
Speaker 6: the same thing.

402
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,160
Speaker 4: They say, I don't know how you could have gone

403
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,320
Speaker 4: through that? How you guys? And now he's doing so well.

404
00:18:40,359 --> 00:18:41,560
Speaker 4: He's twelve years old now.

405
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:44,439
Speaker 6: And he's just this amazing kid and he's just like

406
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,840
Speaker 6: driving and he's doing so well. But he is now

407
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:51,879
Speaker 6: called a cancer survivor, and so he's completely over it

408
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,639
Speaker 6: and he's doing so well and everything. But going through that,

409
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:55,760
Speaker 6: like a lot of people are like, I don't know

410
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:57,120
Speaker 6: how you could go through that with a kid.

411
00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,280
Speaker 4: Honestly, it is just like it's the same kind of thing.

412
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:04,399
Speaker 6: You it's it's what's happening right now, Like we're dealing

413
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:05,520
Speaker 6: with this right now.

414
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:07,080
Speaker 4: In this moment.

415
00:19:07,359 --> 00:19:10,119
Speaker 6: Yeah, in this moment that you just do what you

416
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:14,119
Speaker 6: got to do in this moment and then like later,

417
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:18,480
Speaker 6: and like, I feel like that I believe in like the.

418
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:20,200
Speaker 4: Law of attraction, and I believe that.

419
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,960
Speaker 6: There is so much like there's no such a thing

420
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:27,960
Speaker 6: in my mind as something that that we go through

421
00:19:28,119 --> 00:19:31,040
Speaker 6: that we didn't feel like would be great but the

422
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,160
Speaker 6: perfect thing for us. And I'm not saying like, oh,

423
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,560
Speaker 6: we choose to go and to you know, be raped,

424
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:40,240
Speaker 6: or we choose to you know, nobody chooses like, oh

425
00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:42,200
Speaker 6: that looks like a great experience. I want to, I

426
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,679
Speaker 6: would love to, you know whatever. But I feel like

427
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:48,120
Speaker 6: that in our want to get to where we feel

428
00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:50,160
Speaker 6: like we would like to go, a lot of times

429
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,760
Speaker 6: are in our law of attraction, in our mindset, stuff

430
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:55,720
Speaker 6: bring to us the experiences that we feel like would

431
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,359
Speaker 6: make it or whatever.

432
00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:01,119
Speaker 2: Yeah, obviously I want to make sure no one is

433
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:04,200
Speaker 2: responsible for what happened, you know, if they are victimized, that's.

434
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,800
Speaker 4: Not right, right, I'm not I'm definitely no, we know

435
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:08,199
Speaker 4: you're not.

436
00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:11,159
Speaker 2: But yeah, taking that experience and figuring out, Okay, what

437
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,000
Speaker 2: did I learn? How did I grow, How can I

438
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,480
Speaker 2: grow right?

439
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:18,359
Speaker 6: And that's where I'm saying, like I feel like that

440
00:20:18,359 --> 00:20:22,240
Speaker 6: that in certain ways. So even going through my second marriage,

441
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:27,800
Speaker 6: I learned during my but my son's cancer that during

442
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,640
Speaker 6: that time there was some things that happened that I

443
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:35,480
Speaker 6: had no idea was abusive. I had no idea what

444
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,480
Speaker 6: I had no idea about stuff. I had no idea

445
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,800
Speaker 6: my own toxic traits. I had no idea what I was.

446
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:44,160
Speaker 4: Doing was wrong. I had no idea like.

447
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,000
Speaker 6: My own like I'm talking about myself and my husband

448
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:47,720
Speaker 6: at the time.

449
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:51,679
Speaker 4: He's my husband now. But I just I had no

450
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,000
Speaker 4: idea what I was.

451
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,320
Speaker 6: There was best stuff I never even knew. And so

452
00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:58,399
Speaker 6: it wasn't until my son was going through cancer that

453
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:01,919
Speaker 6: the social worker came and then said, hey, you know,

454
00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:05,480
Speaker 6: asking me questions because there was body language that me

455
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,720
Speaker 6: and my children were afraid of my then husband, and

456
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:09,760
Speaker 6: there was like.

457
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:13,080
Speaker 4: No she it was I didn't know.

458
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:16,600
Speaker 6: I had no idea, And it wasn't like oh like

459
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,600
Speaker 6: it was more like in my man that thought was

460
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:19,320
Speaker 6: called respect.

461
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:20,160
Speaker 4: You know, I thought that.

462
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:25,280
Speaker 2: Was the subservience, Like you seemed submissive right to him. Yeah, wow,

463
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:26,240
Speaker 2: she picked up on that.

464
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:30,000
Speaker 6: Well, it was nurses and doctors making reports and saying, hey,

465
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,880
Speaker 6: you know, this is what we saw, this is what

466
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,199
Speaker 6: And then when so she came to talk to me

467
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:35,960
Speaker 6: about it, and I was like, what are you talking

468
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:38,720
Speaker 6: about here? I was an FLDS girl. I was on

469
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,240
Speaker 6: a mission of repentance. My little boy was in the

470
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:44,200
Speaker 6: hospital with cancer. I was doing the best I could

471
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,000
Speaker 6: so that God could see that I was sorry.

472
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,280
Speaker 4: And I felt like it was my father.

473
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:50,080
Speaker 6: My little boy had cancer, and it was like I

474
00:21:50,119 --> 00:21:52,600
Speaker 6: had to do something to repent, right.

475
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,320
Speaker 4: And because of all that, then it was like, you know,

476
00:21:55,359 --> 00:21:56,760
Speaker 4: a lot of stuff I don't like.

477
00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:00,680
Speaker 6: But during that time, during that time, I was sitting

478
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,080
Speaker 6: in the hospital and not anything to do. I lived

479
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:05,400
Speaker 6: in the hospital with him for like almost a year

480
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,720
Speaker 6: of him being treated, and we just were there and

481
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:13,480
Speaker 6: I basically just had to, like, I started reading, and

482
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:17,040
Speaker 6: so she brought me stuff. The social worker came, she

483
00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:19,760
Speaker 6: did an evaluation of what I was dealing with, and

484
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,320
Speaker 6: then she started giving me reading material and I started

485
00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:28,240
Speaker 6: learning about, oh my goodness, so much stuff about psychological

486
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:32,320
Speaker 6: manipulation of abuse and all these things. And I don't

487
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:35,240
Speaker 6: I'm not even right now. I'm not trying to blame

488
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,879
Speaker 6: my ex husband for anything at all. I'm not saying

489
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,760
Speaker 6: I feel like that. I feel like we all learn,

490
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,920
Speaker 6: you know. But my experience of reading that.

491
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:48,399
Speaker 4: I was like, oh my goodness. Like I learned like

492
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:50,120
Speaker 4: about like.

493
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,800
Speaker 6: Acid aggression. I didn't even know that was a thing.

494
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,879
Speaker 6: I didn't know that gaslighting thing. I didn't know like

495
00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:00,000
Speaker 6: all this stuff, you know. And when I started learning

496
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:01,440
Speaker 6: about it, I would look at it and go, oh

497
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:03,320
Speaker 6: my goodness. And it was almost like I would try

498
00:23:03,359 --> 00:23:06,000
Speaker 6: it up to myself and be like, oh my goodness.

499
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:06,320
Speaker 4: I think that's me.

500
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:08,760
Speaker 6: I think I do that, and I didn't even know,

501
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,840
Speaker 6: like there's my Like I tried on this thing called

502
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,440
Speaker 6: passive aggition, and it hit me perfectly.

503
00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:16,159
Speaker 4: I was like, oh my goodness, that I do that

504
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:19,960
Speaker 4: all the time. Like to the kids. Instead of being like, hey,

505
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,000
Speaker 4: you know, like here's a better her here's here's an

506
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,719
Speaker 4: idea for you to look at rather or you know, instead,

507
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:26,360
Speaker 4: I would be like.

508
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:29,960
Speaker 6: Well, too bad you didn't choose that, you like, And

509
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,119
Speaker 6: it's just kids don't need that ship, you know, like

510
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:33,160
Speaker 6: they need.

511
00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:39,480
Speaker 5: Something psychologically raising herself. Yeah essentially. Yeah, But in that.

512
00:23:40,119 --> 00:23:43,000
Speaker 4: Whole game is when I started going, oh my goodness,

513
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,439
Speaker 4: he's not my ex husband, not my now ex husband.

514
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:49,120
Speaker 4: My husband at the time wasn't doing anything different than

515
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,520
Speaker 4: what we were told to honestly, Like, I couldn't separate

516
00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:57,320
Speaker 4: Warren from this psychological abuse I was seeing and experiencing,

517
00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:01,600
Speaker 4: and and the narcissism. I couldn't I couldn't like separate

518
00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,359
Speaker 4: him from that. It was it was just all I

519
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:06,760
Speaker 4: was saying was like, oh, well, there's Warren, and then

520
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:10,800
Speaker 4: there's Warren personified, and there's like these men are all just.

521
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:13,000
Speaker 6: More I mean, they're all the same, Like they're all

522
00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:14,639
Speaker 6: wasted men, right, And.

523
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,919
Speaker 4: I just could not unlearn it.

524
00:24:17,119 --> 00:24:19,199
Speaker 6: And then I once I learned all that, and then

525
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:21,439
Speaker 6: I learned about word and everything, and I hated myself.

526
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:23,840
Speaker 6: I'm angry at myself because I felt like if I

527
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:26,000
Speaker 6: didn't know, I could just keep being a robot, I

528
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:29,000
Speaker 6: could just keep being you know, but I couldn't not know,

529
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:30,440
Speaker 6: and it just made my.

530
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,200
Speaker 4: Life more miserable. And then I had to figure out

531
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:32,600
Speaker 4: how like.

532
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,320
Speaker 6: Either I gotta like, you know, when I found out

533
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:38,920
Speaker 6: that my now ex husband like was dealing with like

534
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:41,960
Speaker 6: some some of the psychological stuff that he was given,

535
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:45,159
Speaker 6: you know, Like in my mind, I thought, well, like

536
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:48,320
Speaker 6: I could help, Like maybe I could help him like

537
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:54,199
Speaker 6: not be like kind of like way his dad was

538
00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:54,760
Speaker 6: or whatever.

539
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:58,800
Speaker 4: And honestly, I just felt like there was like I

540
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,320
Speaker 4: thought maybe I could just Yeah.

541
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:04,480
Speaker 6: And I may have been there many mistakes, Yeah, I

542
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:08,160
Speaker 6: mean my mistakes and my toxic traits and everything were

543
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:11,040
Speaker 6: every bit of like stuff that I had to overcome

544
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:12,360
Speaker 6: as much as anything else that.

545
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:12,800
Speaker 4: I went through.

546
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,320
Speaker 2: I think it's great that you want to examine yourself

547
00:25:15,359 --> 00:25:18,360
Speaker 2: and take responsibility for your part. But abuse is, you know.

548
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:22,679
Speaker 1: Abuse it almost like they're they're your defense mechanisms against

549
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,320
Speaker 1: what happened to you once you got the opportunity, they're

550
00:25:25,359 --> 00:25:28,000
Speaker 1: your choice if you want to educate yourself about them

551
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:28,520
Speaker 1: and change.

552
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:29,560
Speaker 5: I think that's gorgeous.

553
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:30,200
Speaker 4: Yeah.

554
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you're right, like when you're when you're operating

555
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:36,280
Speaker 2: within a system that is highly controlling and that is abusive,

556
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:41,840
Speaker 2: you only have so many tools for healthy communication and operating,

557
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:43,679
Speaker 2: and you know, and especially when you're never taught that

558
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:45,880
Speaker 2: you're just taught to submit. You know, you just didn't

559
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:47,080
Speaker 2: have access to a lot of.

560
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,679
Speaker 1: We're just sad, but you would ever think of yourself

561
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:52,399
Speaker 1: as toxic because you're so lovely. But we understand what

562
00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:55,280
Speaker 1: you're saying, some of the toxic traits.

563
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,280
Speaker 2: You want it to work on, to self reflect and

564
00:25:57,280 --> 00:26:00,679
Speaker 2: it's important to like examine what you know, what we'rearticipating in.

565
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,680
Speaker 6: But for sure, like I feel like that even even

566
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:08,399
Speaker 6: like there there's good things about everybody, like that, even

567
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,800
Speaker 6: even with my chubren, I feel like there's so many

568
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:14,720
Speaker 6: good things that I'm I feel like that once you

569
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:18,040
Speaker 6: can identify something, if you're willing to see it in yourself,

570
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:21,000
Speaker 6: you know, Like I feel like with myself. I'm not

571
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:23,439
Speaker 6: saying that I'm like completely a toxic person and you

572
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:27,120
Speaker 6: know whatever, but I am saying, like, I think it's

573
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:29,359
Speaker 6: really cool to be able to learn and like what

574
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:33,919
Speaker 6: you're say, lack and reevaluate and like yes, and just

575
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:37,359
Speaker 6: like I feel like that it's cool to be able

576
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:40,719
Speaker 6: to be like, you know, I love my mom and

577
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,280
Speaker 6: I think that there was some things that she did

578
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,359
Speaker 6: that I will never do because she did what she

579
00:26:44,359 --> 00:26:46,080
Speaker 6: felt like she had to or whatever. Now I don't

580
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,800
Speaker 6: have to do those And now because I've learned about

581
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:51,320
Speaker 6: those things, I don't have to you know, pass it out.

582
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:52,879
Speaker 4: I don't have to make different I kids don't have

583
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:53,760
Speaker 4: to go through what I.

584
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,480
Speaker 6: Went because yeah, you know, I staying with my mom,

585
00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,240
Speaker 6: I didn't go through stuff that she went through either.

586
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:01,240
Speaker 1: What's coming to me is that maybe if you're raised

587
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:04,960
Speaker 1: in a cult or a really abusive, highly controlled situation,

588
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:08,720
Speaker 1: there needs to be a grace period where you just

589
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:13,439
Speaker 1: aren't mad at yourself and accept that what happened was

590
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:15,000
Speaker 1: completely fucking unfair.

591
00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:19,120
Speaker 5: Yeah, and then you start don't start, Yeah, totally.

592
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,320
Speaker 2: I love that there's a period of just got to

593
00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:24,840
Speaker 2: be MSS and like process that you know, you experienced

594
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,800
Speaker 2: a level of abuse or control or manipulation or whatever

595
00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:29,600
Speaker 2: it is, and yeah, and then go from there and

596
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,880
Speaker 2: start to rebuild and construct the you that you want

597
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:32,640
Speaker 2: to be there.

598
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:35,360
Speaker 4: You go, yeah, that's cool, that's really cool.

599
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,680
Speaker 6: I think it's like with anything that you want to

600
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:40,480
Speaker 6: make an improvement in your life in any area. I

601
00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:43,919
Speaker 6: think that a lot of people could relate in like

602
00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:45,359
Speaker 6: like I mean, I'll.

603
00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:49,440
Speaker 4: Use like my gaining weight. I would like like twenty

604
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:51,840
Speaker 4: twenty and my shows kind of slowed down and I

605
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:54,000
Speaker 4: was like man, and then I was like, oh, I'm

606
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:56,359
Speaker 4: not worried about I'll just eat. And then I re

607
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,480
Speaker 4: evaluated myself after I'd gain so much weight. I was like,

608
00:27:58,520 --> 00:27:59,040
Speaker 4: what did I do?

609
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,679
Speaker 6: Like, okay, so I can learn these are things that

610
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,719
Speaker 6: I don't want to do again and this is this

611
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,680
Speaker 6: stuff hurt me, so I'm not getting eat that again

612
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:10,400
Speaker 6: or whatever, you know, like just evaluating like what I

613
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,760
Speaker 6: want in my life and how I want to treat myself.

614
00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:16,199
Speaker 4: And it's honestly like I have learned.

615
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,760
Speaker 6: One thing I've learned over the past, like even since

616
00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:20,880
Speaker 6: I've left my ex husband is just a thing called

617
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,000
Speaker 6: self love. And it's not about the narcissistic way of

618
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:26,600
Speaker 6: looking in the mirror and being like, oh, I love

619
00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:28,760
Speaker 6: you because you look so gorgeous, or oh, look.

620
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:29,119
Speaker 4: At the scale.

621
00:28:29,119 --> 00:28:32,080
Speaker 6: It's the nice number on the scale, so I feel

622
00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:32,520
Speaker 6: I can.

623
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:37,040
Speaker 4: Love me today. It's about It's about loving the fact

624
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:40,320
Speaker 4: that you are literal like light.

625
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:43,480
Speaker 6: You're a human being that is light, and you don't

626
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,480
Speaker 6: know how much you like every human being, and you

627
00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:49,440
Speaker 6: might feel like you're insignificant in some way, but there's

628
00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:53,280
Speaker 6: so many people that are like you are a ripple,

629
00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:56,320
Speaker 6: like causing a ripple around you for the way that

630
00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:58,520
Speaker 6: you love you and if you can love you or

631
00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:00,480
Speaker 6: even the way you don't love you, if you don't

632
00:29:00,520 --> 00:29:01,160
Speaker 6: love yourself.

633
00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:03,480
Speaker 4: That causes a ripple too, and it's not it's not

634
00:29:03,560 --> 00:29:04,560
Speaker 4: a ripple that.

635
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:06,280
Speaker 6: Is very much fun when it comes back at you,

636
00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:09,840
Speaker 6: but like you're truly loving yourself. And this is the

637
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,360
Speaker 6: thing I feel like I've learned the very most, even

638
00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:16,440
Speaker 6: in the past two years, just accepting and being graceful,

639
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:18,720
Speaker 6: like saying I'm like, well, today was a shit day

640
00:29:18,760 --> 00:29:20,440
Speaker 6: for me, and I'm and I know I've had a

641
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:22,480
Speaker 6: bad day today, but you know what, I'm pretty cool

642
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:24,400
Speaker 6: because I felt I felt like I.

643
00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:27,360
Speaker 4: Know, like here I am, I'm I learned.

644
00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:29,480
Speaker 6: Oh yeah, I identify the fact that I had a

645
00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:33,280
Speaker 6: shit day today and all right, selfcare time, it's it's okay,

646
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:35,480
Speaker 6: and I'm and I'll tell myself. I literally will tell

647
00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:39,040
Speaker 6: myself like like I'll look at myself as if I can,

648
00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:42,120
Speaker 6: like look at me inside my head, and I'll be like,

649
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:44,240
Speaker 6: you're all right, Everything's okay.

650
00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:46,000
Speaker 4: It's gonna be okay. Because I would deal with like.

651
00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:49,280
Speaker 6: Hellacious anxiety going through the stuff that I went through

652
00:29:49,280 --> 00:29:53,040
Speaker 6: over the past, you know, like not not just talking

653
00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:53,440
Speaker 6: about my.

654
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:54,960
Speaker 4: First marriage, but my second marriage.

655
00:29:54,680 --> 00:29:56,360
Speaker 6: And like there was a lot of stuff that I

656
00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:58,720
Speaker 6: feel like the anxiety is just something that a lot

657
00:29:58,760 --> 00:30:00,880
Speaker 6: of people from the FLDS PROBAB we deal with.

658
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:03,480
Speaker 4: And I'm not saying like they're the only ones in

659
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:03,760
Speaker 4: the world.

660
00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:05,760
Speaker 6: Of course it's not that way, but I'm just saying

661
00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:09,040
Speaker 6: that as like a lot a lot of people I

662
00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:15,000
Speaker 6: know deal with anxiety or depression and or and we

663
00:30:15,080 --> 00:30:17,760
Speaker 6: all basically, like a lot of us, have to figure

664
00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:18,520
Speaker 6: out what we can do.

665
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:22,160
Speaker 4: And Lucky for me, I feel like that instead of like,

666
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:24,760
Speaker 4: I know that I went through a lot of stuff

667
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:25,160
Speaker 4: that was.

668
00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:28,880
Speaker 6: Like I kind of just harm on my own self,

669
00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:33,520
Speaker 6: but having like the ability to go, okay, today you

670
00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:36,200
Speaker 6: feeling nice shit and maybe you know, sometimes I have

671
00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:39,440
Speaker 6: the hardest time being nice to myself, like just accepting

672
00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:40,360
Speaker 6: it's okay.

673
00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:41,600
Speaker 4: It's okay, Like looking in the.

674
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:43,280
Speaker 6: Mirror and be like, god, damn, I can't I can't

675
00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:45,760
Speaker 6: believe how much weight I've been and I'm so mad

676
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,360
Speaker 6: at myself that I look like this, And then I'm like, okay,

677
00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:51,680
Speaker 6: Like you know, meditation and all that, and you go,

678
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:55,040
Speaker 6: it's that's not the outside of you isn't true.

679
00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:56,000
Speaker 4: It makes you who you are.

680
00:30:56,160 --> 00:31:00,040
Speaker 6: So like, learning that self love is something that I

681
00:31:00,040 --> 00:31:02,680
Speaker 6: feel like has been one of the biggest like healing

682
00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:06,120
Speaker 6: for me, Like through all the stuff that I've gone

683
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:08,560
Speaker 6: through and it has nothing to do with anybody, and

684
00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:10,240
Speaker 6: even all the pain that I've dealt with and the

685
00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:12,520
Speaker 6: stuff that I brought upon myself where I'm really shit

686
00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:15,760
Speaker 6: in my own desk, then I feel like.

687
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:18,840
Speaker 4: That even that just giving yourself some grace.

688
00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:22,520
Speaker 1: I've noticed that a lot of the stuff that women

689
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:25,960
Speaker 1: raised and high control groups come out, what is eating

690
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:30,080
Speaker 1: stuff and body stuff and judging stuff. That's just been

691
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:34,480
Speaker 1: one of my observations that high control group women, you know,

692
00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:36,840
Speaker 1: because you look perfect to.

693
00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:38,200
Speaker 5: Us, we don't.

694
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:41,080
Speaker 1: But but like in my own life, I obsess over

695
00:31:41,120 --> 00:31:44,000
Speaker 1: stuff like that, and I know that most of the women.

696
00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:47,440
Speaker 5: I grew up with also do, and women in general do.

697
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:50,280
Speaker 2: It makes sense because if you have control over nothing

698
00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:52,360
Speaker 2: else in your life, but you do have control over

699
00:31:52,400 --> 00:31:55,440
Speaker 2: your body, like I can, it goes a little further.

700
00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:58,080
Speaker 5: Yeah, with the fundament, Yeah, I.

701
00:31:58,000 --> 00:31:58,760
Speaker 4: Do believe that.

702
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:10,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, can you tell us a little bit about how

703
00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:13,320
Speaker 2: you officially left and what happened after that?

704
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:19,000
Speaker 6: And so after like learning about how I can, I

705
00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:24,760
Speaker 6: really couldn't separate, like Warren from this all these like

706
00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:28,640
Speaker 6: psychological like abuses and stuff that I was reading about.

707
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:29,600
Speaker 4: All of that stuff.

708
00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:33,479
Speaker 6: I couldn't separate him from what I was experiencing. And

709
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:35,719
Speaker 6: then I learned about all the stuff that had been

710
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:37,720
Speaker 6: going on with him and why he was in prison

711
00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:38,600
Speaker 6: and all that, and.

712
00:32:38,560 --> 00:32:39,560
Speaker 4: I couldn't unlearn it.

713
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:43,160
Speaker 6: I started like going, I got to get out of here.

714
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:45,160
Speaker 6: I gotta get it's not a happy place for me,

715
00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:47,640
Speaker 6: it's not a happy place for my kids. And so

716
00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:53,360
Speaker 6: I reached out to my sister, who actually is part

717
00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:57,760
Speaker 6: of Churish Families, who is Churish Families is an organization

718
00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:01,120
Speaker 6: that is there set up specifically or people who are

719
00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:04,320
Speaker 6: leaving polygamy. And it's not because they're against it. So

720
00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:07,280
Speaker 6: they're like, they're not against whatever you want to believe,

721
00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:10,640
Speaker 6: whatever you know, but they are there set up with

722
00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:13,640
Speaker 6: people who understand what it is you've gone through and

723
00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:16,840
Speaker 6: what you are going through. So that's why it's specifically

724
00:33:16,920 --> 00:33:18,360
Speaker 6: for people who are leaving polygamy.

725
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:20,960
Speaker 4: And so when I was leaving, I.

726
00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:23,880
Speaker 6: Had nowhere to go, and I had no name for myself,

727
00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:28,360
Speaker 6: I had no rental history. I've been the like property

728
00:33:28,440 --> 00:33:32,280
Speaker 6: of you know whatever. I from the day. I never

729
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:36,640
Speaker 6: wasn't somebody's you know, ward of some sort, and when

730
00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:38,560
Speaker 6: I got you know, when I got married, when you know,

731
00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:41,520
Speaker 6: when I got married, and then I got released from him,

732
00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:43,520
Speaker 6: and I would immediately the ward of the bishop, and

733
00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:45,400
Speaker 6: from the bishop, I was immediately the ward of my

734
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:48,280
Speaker 6: second husband, and then my second husband.

735
00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:50,080
Speaker 4: And then when I decided I want to leave, I was.

736
00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:52,960
Speaker 6: Literally jumping into like like an ocean, and I better

737
00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:55,240
Speaker 6: better know what I'm doing. I better know how to swim,

738
00:33:55,360 --> 00:33:59,080
Speaker 6: because I'm jumping off of this like incredible like ship

739
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:00,800
Speaker 6: that's been there for a very long time.

740
00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:03,880
Speaker 4: And I didn't know exactly where I was going to go.

741
00:34:04,040 --> 00:34:05,120
Speaker 4: I didn't know what I was going to do.

742
00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:07,719
Speaker 6: So reaching out to terist families, they were there for

743
00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:09,879
Speaker 6: me and I didn't have to explain a whole lot.

744
00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:12,640
Speaker 4: It was like, I have no name for myself. I

745
00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:13,239
Speaker 4: don't know what to do.

746
00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:15,680
Speaker 6: And there was my sister who had already left, and

747
00:34:15,719 --> 00:34:17,959
Speaker 6: she just like put me in touch with people who

748
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:21,319
Speaker 6: could be there for me, and they started setting up things.

749
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:22,879
Speaker 6: It was very scary for me to.

750
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:26,320
Speaker 4: Leave because of not knowing what was going to happen,

751
00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:28,879
Speaker 4: like in the world, and there was a lot more

752
00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:29,160
Speaker 4: to it.

753
00:34:29,200 --> 00:34:31,120
Speaker 6: There is a lot more to it in my private

754
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:34,040
Speaker 6: life as far as like what I was dealing with

755
00:34:34,080 --> 00:34:36,000
Speaker 6: in my own marriage and stuff. And there was a

756
00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:39,000
Speaker 6: lot of like stuff like that I don't really want

757
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:43,799
Speaker 6: to get into right now, but but just like the

758
00:34:43,840 --> 00:34:46,919
Speaker 6: fear of the and still by this time, I was like, hey,

759
00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:48,480
Speaker 6: the FLDS is fake.

760
00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:51,279
Speaker 4: I'm not. I don't believe in that crap and I

761
00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:51,960
Speaker 4: don't care about this.

762
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,080
Speaker 6: That's so every time this idea would come into my mind,

763
00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:56,319
Speaker 6: like what if you know, what if you never get

764
00:34:56,320 --> 00:34:58,560
Speaker 6: to see your children again because now you're apostatizing, it

765
00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:01,319
Speaker 6: was more like it's almost like I could just be

766
00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:04,600
Speaker 6: like like laugh on the face of that bullshit, Like

767
00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:06,600
Speaker 6: I was in my head, I was coming to a

768
00:35:06,640 --> 00:35:08,200
Speaker 6: point of like, okay, but.

769
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:11,319
Speaker 4: The only thing I was afraid of now was if

770
00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:15,120
Speaker 4: if I was you know, like my own like relation

771
00:35:15,239 --> 00:35:18,719
Speaker 4: in my relationship with with my now ex husbands, and

772
00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:21,640
Speaker 4: my fear of like you know, there was a lot

773
00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:23,920
Speaker 4: a lot of stuff and that.

774
00:35:23,800 --> 00:35:28,520
Speaker 6: Was one of my like worried about what would happen anyway.

775
00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:32,680
Speaker 4: And so I was able to set up a home.

776
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:34,920
Speaker 6: To go to through Cherish families because I had no

777
00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:37,680
Speaker 6: rental history again, so when I'd go to rent a house,

778
00:35:37,719 --> 00:35:38,279
Speaker 6: there would be no.

779
00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:41,360
Speaker 4: There was no way. They'd be like they'd meet me,

780
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:43,680
Speaker 4: they'd show me through the house. The owner would be like, oh,

781
00:35:43,719 --> 00:35:45,719
Speaker 4: I like you, like I'd love to have your rent.

782
00:35:46,200 --> 00:35:47,919
Speaker 4: And then they'd get into it like who the hell

783
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:51,200
Speaker 4: are you? Like you mean to tell me that you're

784
00:35:51,239 --> 00:35:54,480
Speaker 4: a mom and you you don't even have a rental history,

785
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:57,359
Speaker 4: you know, you know, where have you been? Where did

786
00:35:57,360 --> 00:35:59,440
Speaker 4: you live? Like who are you like? You know? And

787
00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:02,080
Speaker 4: that was very bizarre to most people, Like and so

788
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:02,719
Speaker 4: of course they.

789
00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:04,359
Speaker 6: Weren't gonna get me and we're gonna let me rent

790
00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:07,000
Speaker 6: their house, like like, obviously I've got to be lying.

791
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,480
Speaker 6: If I'm I full grown adult and I still have

792
00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:12,520
Speaker 6: no like rental history, then there's and I you know,

793
00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:13,800
Speaker 6: how how can.

794
00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:16,760
Speaker 4: They trust me that I was gonna like pay the rent?

795
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:20,840
Speaker 6: Anyway, I ended up against what I felt like in

796
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:22,640
Speaker 6: the first place. I was like, I do not want

797
00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:24,640
Speaker 6: to go back to Colorado City, do not want to

798
00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:27,479
Speaker 6: be in that town. I was very by the time

799
00:36:27,480 --> 00:36:30,480
Speaker 6: that I found out about everything, I was so mad about.

800
00:36:30,239 --> 00:36:31,200
Speaker 4: Everysing, like so.

801
00:36:31,239 --> 00:36:34,240
Speaker 6: Mad that I was like like I just felt angry

802
00:36:34,239 --> 00:36:36,240
Speaker 6: so much of the time because there was so many

803
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:38,960
Speaker 6: lives that I lived, so much of my life was

804
00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:41,120
Speaker 6: just this big ass lie, you know.

805
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:43,840
Speaker 4: And so by the time I actually.

806
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:48,400
Speaker 6: Went to back to Colorado City, it was literally because

807
00:36:48,680 --> 00:36:52,440
Speaker 6: that is what Terrish families had access to, and they

808
00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:55,719
Speaker 6: they gave like they set me up to where I

809
00:36:55,760 --> 00:36:58,720
Speaker 6: did not have to worry even about meals for my kids.

810
00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:02,200
Speaker 6: I was one of the most amazing and beautiful experiences

811
00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:05,879
Speaker 6: of having them be able to just like like put

812
00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:07,799
Speaker 6: out a safety net for me when I jumped, and

813
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:09,920
Speaker 6: it was just a matter of and I, like a

814
00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:12,800
Speaker 6: lot of people, like you've heard of it takes seven

815
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:15,840
Speaker 6: times I think for somebody to get out of a

816
00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:18,279
Speaker 6: situation where like for a woman to be able to

817
00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:19,040
Speaker 6: get out.

818
00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:21,359
Speaker 2: Or whatever, or an abusive relationship. Yeah.

819
00:37:21,640 --> 00:37:21,960
Speaker 4: Yeah.

820
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:25,719
Speaker 6: And they were there for me every time. It was

821
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:29,480
Speaker 6: like I would do like I felt like, it's such

822
00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:31,440
Speaker 6: a mess of a person because I didn't just be like,

823
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:34,239
Speaker 6: all right, now here's my life, this is what I'm

824
00:37:34,239 --> 00:37:37,480
Speaker 6: going to do, now here's I've planned this all out.

825
00:37:37,480 --> 00:37:39,799
Speaker 6: It was like it was like every day it was like, oh,

826
00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:41,719
Speaker 6: I'd like to do today, like you know, and they

827
00:37:41,719 --> 00:37:43,600
Speaker 6: were there for me and they took good care of me,

828
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:46,120
Speaker 6: and there was never any judgment if I was like

829
00:37:46,400 --> 00:37:48,960
Speaker 6: I remember being like, oh, I hope I'm doing the

830
00:37:49,040 --> 00:37:52,359
Speaker 6: right thing. I'm just so afraid maybe like whatever you

831
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:54,640
Speaker 6: would like to do. It was never a pressure.

832
00:37:54,239 --> 00:37:56,560
Speaker 4: Of like you've got to get out, it is bad

833
00:37:56,640 --> 00:37:57,400
Speaker 4: for you. Whatever.

834
00:37:57,480 --> 00:37:59,759
Speaker 6: They were like there for me being like, you know,

835
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:01,640
Speaker 6: well take your time, you know, make sure it's the

836
00:38:01,719 --> 00:38:02,680
Speaker 6: right decision for you.

837
00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:03,319
Speaker 4: And it was.

838
00:38:03,760 --> 00:38:07,480
Speaker 6: But they were if there was anything like like actual,

839
00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:11,040
Speaker 6: like some serious danger, it was like they were they

840
00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:13,960
Speaker 6: would literally have been there immediately if there was there

841
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:17,719
Speaker 6: was like some serious bodily harm, you know, because I

842
00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:20,520
Speaker 6: know that like that was part of their thing. It

843
00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:24,120
Speaker 6: was like, if there's anything that's like you know, actually

844
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:27,840
Speaker 6: like some serious like threats like that, then it was

845
00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:30,359
Speaker 6: like there would be no like, oh, we'll just wait

846
00:38:30,360 --> 00:38:31,680
Speaker 6: for you to make the right decision. It would be

847
00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:33,680
Speaker 6: more like, well, here we are, We're going to be

848
00:38:33,719 --> 00:38:34,080
Speaker 6: here for you.

849
00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:43,279
Speaker 4: But right. But they were so amazing and they gave me, like.

850
00:38:43,719 --> 00:38:46,239
Speaker 6: They through their organizations, I was able to get a

851
00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:50,640
Speaker 6: home a reasonable rental peak like for them to be

852
00:38:50,880 --> 00:38:55,399
Speaker 6: basically fam a gap between me coming from literally having

853
00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:59,560
Speaker 6: no rental history to now here. I am coming up

854
00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:02,680
Speaker 6: on like I am fifty five years, so it's coming

855
00:39:02,719 --> 00:39:06,680
Speaker 6: up on my sixth year and I am literally just

856
00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:09,319
Speaker 6: like so, I'm left at the very beginning of twenty

857
00:39:09,440 --> 00:39:13,600
Speaker 6: nineteen and now I have rental history, I have income,

858
00:39:13,719 --> 00:39:17,720
Speaker 6: I have I'm doing full time music and shows and everything,

859
00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:21,439
Speaker 6: and I'm so yeah, I have so much.

860
00:39:22,080 --> 00:39:24,120
Speaker 4: I feel so less.

861
00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:27,480
Speaker 6: I feel so happy and so joyful because it's I

862
00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:30,880
Speaker 6: feel like I am literally like every day I have

863
00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:34,000
Speaker 6: learned that is it's about what I put my mind,

864
00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:36,480
Speaker 6: what I decide I want to do. And like you

865
00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:39,560
Speaker 6: said before, Megan, when you were telling me, when you

866
00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:41,600
Speaker 6: were saying, like I wanted to not have to think,

867
00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:43,600
Speaker 6: it was like that at first. It was like when

868
00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:45,360
Speaker 6: I first decided I was done and I was going

869
00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:47,600
Speaker 6: to leave and everything, it was like I had to

870
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:49,560
Speaker 6: decide for me, and it was like I remember just

871
00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:52,279
Speaker 6: being going like, oh, I need to call somebody and

872
00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:55,560
Speaker 6: ask I need to like I always always.

873
00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:57,560
Speaker 4: Had a man to call and be like, right, hey,

874
00:39:58,280 --> 00:39:59,000
Speaker 4: I couldn't.

875
00:39:58,719 --> 00:40:00,360
Speaker 6: Even if I couldn't get through the bitch, Oh I

876
00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:02,600
Speaker 6: can't get through to brother so, and so I can

877
00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:04,560
Speaker 6: get through to uncle Sol and so because there was

878
00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:06,520
Speaker 6: always somebody I could check in with and ask if

879
00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:09,799
Speaker 6: it's okay. But this time it was like, no, what

880
00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:12,319
Speaker 6: do I gotta do? And right now it's literally like

881
00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:14,440
Speaker 6: over the past five years, it's been like, okay, the

882
00:40:14,520 --> 00:40:17,399
Speaker 6: number one priority is what to make sure my kids

883
00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:20,200
Speaker 6: are good? Make sure my kids are well taken care of.

884
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:23,040
Speaker 6: That's my number one priority. And I'm the decider of

885
00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:25,400
Speaker 6: like what I do, how I do this stuff like that.

886
00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:27,480
Speaker 6: I get to decide like, oh, I'm going to put

887
00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:30,000
Speaker 6: up a Christmas tree now, and so like this is

888
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:33,759
Speaker 6: my fifth annual Christmas tree. We just wait, this is

889
00:40:33,760 --> 00:40:35,320
Speaker 6: our fifth annual Christmas.

890
00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:38,520
Speaker 4: Because we just barely.

891
00:40:39,040 --> 00:40:41,720
Speaker 6: I started a Christmas show the first year I left

892
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,840
Speaker 6: and it's called the Margin Mozart Christmas Annual.

893
00:40:45,160 --> 00:40:48,040
Speaker 4: Let's see, so I called it the annual Margin Mozart

894
00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:50,319
Speaker 4: Christmas Special. So that was the first annual and then

895
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:52,200
Speaker 4: there was like, now here, we are coming up.

896
00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:55,240
Speaker 6: On the fifth annual, and so that marks that's actually

897
00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:58,240
Speaker 6: the marking of my fifth Christmas with my kids.

898
00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:01,120
Speaker 4: So we have like we just there we are. Traditions

899
00:41:01,160 --> 00:41:02,759
Speaker 4: were like, uh, we have We.

900
00:41:02,719 --> 00:41:04,439
Speaker 6: Didn't start the first year because we were so sick.

901
00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:06,880
Speaker 6: But the second year we started tradition.

902
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:09,160
Speaker 4: So are we have like Christmas traditions that are now

903
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:09,919
Speaker 4: four years old.

904
00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:16,040
Speaker 6: And my little boy always knew that Christmas like Santa Claus,

905
00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:18,520
Speaker 6: like we've always been told Santa Claus is fake all

906
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:21,280
Speaker 6: that stuff. And so when when we left and here's

907
00:41:21,360 --> 00:41:24,000
Speaker 6: this Santa like somebody gave us a Christmas.

908
00:41:24,280 --> 00:41:27,239
Speaker 4: We were nominated for Christmas and it was my kid's

909
00:41:27,239 --> 00:41:29,440
Speaker 4: first Christmas. So here's he gets to sit on Santa's

910
00:41:29,480 --> 00:41:31,280
Speaker 4: lab and he needs to tell him. So he's gone,

911
00:41:31,520 --> 00:41:34,080
Speaker 4: is this okay? Am I okay to say? And I'm

912
00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:37,439
Speaker 4: like absolutely, And so when he was like, is Santa real?

913
00:41:37,719 --> 00:41:38,880
Speaker 4: And I said, let me tell.

914
00:41:38,719 --> 00:41:40,799
Speaker 6: You about Santa Claus, and so I just told him.

915
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:45,319
Speaker 6: So the idea for Santa Claus and the stories was

916
00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:49,359
Speaker 6: that he came this man was would come around and

917
00:41:49,480 --> 00:41:52,160
Speaker 6: pass out kindness to people basically, and.

918
00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:55,520
Speaker 4: Because of that, nobody really knew who it was. And

919
00:41:55,560 --> 00:41:58,959
Speaker 4: so instead of instead of like being able to be like, oh,

920
00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:00,440
Speaker 4: thank you Santa.

921
00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:02,640
Speaker 6: And here's my gift back to you, or here I

922
00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:04,400
Speaker 6: would like to do something kind for you, it's a

923
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:06,880
Speaker 6: pay it forward situation. So when we got to have

924
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:09,560
Speaker 6: a Christmas then or we got to be somebody else

925
00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:11,799
Speaker 6: of Santa Claus. And so that's so the idea of

926
00:42:11,800 --> 00:42:14,359
Speaker 6: Santa Claus is absolutely real. And so I told him

927
00:42:14,400 --> 00:42:19,239
Speaker 6: like one night, yeah, and Santa Claus came and he

928
00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:22,200
Speaker 6: was like, oh my didnes Santa Claus came, like he

929
00:42:22,360 --> 00:42:24,120
Speaker 6: actually left present and I didn't.

930
00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:26,840
Speaker 4: I actually personally didn't even know who the people were.

931
00:42:27,120 --> 00:42:29,480
Speaker 6: They gave him to a site, they gave me like

932
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:31,960
Speaker 6: the bag and like, but I don't know who they were.

933
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:33,440
Speaker 4: I don't know who it was. That was actually a

934
00:42:33,440 --> 00:42:37,239
Speaker 4: part of giving us good but like and it was.

935
00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:39,520
Speaker 4: It was such a beautiful experience for me too, because

936
00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:41,640
Speaker 4: I didn't get to go and be like here, I want.

937
00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:43,120
Speaker 6: To give something back to you because they're so kind

938
00:42:43,120 --> 00:42:45,360
Speaker 6: to me. I had to also take like what I

939
00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:49,160
Speaker 6: was doing, like go pay it forward. And so Buddy

940
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:51,200
Speaker 6: and I and my little boy like basically we just

941
00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:54,160
Speaker 6: got these he got like the presents got there well

942
00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:56,880
Speaker 6: to sleep, just like Santa had delivered him, because they

943
00:42:56,920 --> 00:43:00,680
Speaker 6: did give them to me to like later and then

944
00:43:00,880 --> 00:43:02,200
Speaker 6: and then I went and put him under the tree

945
00:43:02,200 --> 00:43:05,680
Speaker 6: and they were marked from Santa. And so I so

946
00:43:05,719 --> 00:43:07,920
Speaker 6: the next day, He's like, oh my goodness, this is amazing.

947
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:11,719
Speaker 6: So for Mike, for the opportunity we got that year,

948
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:15,400
Speaker 6: I had done my Christmas show where there were families

949
00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:18,840
Speaker 6: that were nominated to get guests through the people that

950
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:21,440
Speaker 6: donated to my Christmas show. So we got to go

951
00:43:21,640 --> 00:43:23,719
Speaker 6: and he got to be one of the people that

952
00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:27,279
Speaker 6: got to deliver the Christmas present, says that time. So

953
00:43:27,320 --> 00:43:30,200
Speaker 6: it was really cool that it actually was a pay

954
00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:35,239
Speaker 6: it forward situation. So every year that's what we get.

955
00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:40,520
Speaker 4: And so I love that that is his experience now.

956
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:44,480
Speaker 6: And yeah, it's unconventional from like a family that maybe

957
00:43:44,560 --> 00:43:47,279
Speaker 6: a kid didn't know that Santa Claus like, you know,

958
00:43:47,320 --> 00:43:50,080
Speaker 6: you grow up and you learn and someday you find

959
00:43:50,080 --> 00:43:52,400
Speaker 6: out or whatever that maybe this guy doesn't come down

960
00:43:52,400 --> 00:43:55,680
Speaker 6: the chimney or whatever. But the idea is that here

961
00:43:55,680 --> 00:43:59,239
Speaker 6: we are all like given something, but we and yeah,

962
00:43:59,320 --> 00:44:01,799
Speaker 6: you put it out that you'd like something. And I'm

963
00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:04,600
Speaker 6: tell him this all the time too, that it works

964
00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:06,839
Speaker 6: all the time, like you put out what you want

965
00:44:07,239 --> 00:44:08,880
Speaker 6: and then you will get what you want. And I've

966
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:11,160
Speaker 6: always told him every time, if you think about something,

967
00:44:11,200 --> 00:44:13,600
Speaker 6: and you I mean think about it enough, you're going

968
00:44:13,640 --> 00:44:14,040
Speaker 6: to get it.

969
00:44:14,080 --> 00:44:16,160
Speaker 4: So what do you want? What is it you'd like

970
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:18,640
Speaker 4: to have, and then you will get it. And he's

971
00:44:18,680 --> 00:44:20,160
Speaker 4: always like.

972
00:44:19,680 --> 00:44:22,759
Speaker 6: Like every year for Christmas, he knows like if he

973
00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:25,040
Speaker 6: puts something out like that he wants something, he'll get it.

974
00:44:25,440 --> 00:44:28,360
Speaker 6: So I'm always telling him, like you know, like I

975
00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:30,719
Speaker 6: never tell him there's a limit you can't I can't

976
00:44:30,719 --> 00:44:32,879
Speaker 6: get back because it's explicit. I never say that because

977
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:35,319
Speaker 6: I'm like, hell, I don't know how it's gonna happen either,

978
00:44:35,719 --> 00:44:38,839
Speaker 6: but something always like happens, Like he wanted a dog

979
00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:41,279
Speaker 6: one year and I was like, oh, I'm just giving

980
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:43,680
Speaker 6: a stuffed animal, like I don't know, and he did

981
00:44:43,719 --> 00:44:46,400
Speaker 6: get a such animal dog, and then like like few

982
00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:49,400
Speaker 6: like within less than a month later, someone brought a

983
00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:52,640
Speaker 6: gift to him that was a dog, and I thank

984
00:44:52,719 --> 00:44:58,760
Speaker 6: you literally like his best like like like a movie

985
00:44:58,800 --> 00:45:01,560
Speaker 6: bestie kind of dog, like like laughing, you know, like

986
00:45:01,600 --> 00:45:04,560
Speaker 6: there's an actual like dog that is extremely loyal to him,

987
00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:07,320
Speaker 6: and he's like, she's like most perfectly well behaved little

988
00:45:07,719 --> 00:45:10,320
Speaker 6: like I'm always like, seriously.

989
00:45:10,440 --> 00:45:12,680
Speaker 1: It sounds like you're living in a bit of a

990
00:45:12,680 --> 00:45:16,239
Speaker 1: Hallmark movie, to be honest, But is it hard to

991
00:45:16,239 --> 00:45:18,799
Speaker 1: see all of the people that you grew up with,

992
00:45:18,960 --> 00:45:19,239
Speaker 1: and this.

993
00:45:20,080 --> 00:45:24,640
Speaker 2: How do you feel about the people who remain in the.

994
00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:29,400
Speaker 6: FLDS because I've learned so much about like, so I

995
00:45:29,719 --> 00:45:31,759
Speaker 6: did go through the time. Like I said, I was

996
00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:34,759
Speaker 6: very angry first about like finding out about everything, and

997
00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:36,120
Speaker 6: then I was like people who.

998
00:45:35,920 --> 00:45:38,319
Speaker 4: Felt like they were better than everybody, Like my dad

999
00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:42,359
Speaker 4: got sick and I had a brother that didn't want

1000
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:43,960
Speaker 4: to see him while the rest of us were in

1001
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:45,600
Speaker 4: the room, and I just felt like that wasn't fair

1002
00:45:45,719 --> 00:45:48,080
Speaker 4: because you know, even though I didn't outwardly say anything,

1003
00:45:48,080 --> 00:45:51,000
Speaker 4: I just thought, you know, Mom, Mom was never like that.

1004
00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:53,279
Speaker 6: She was never like, oh, I can't be in there

1005
00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:55,480
Speaker 6: someone so like there's an apostat in there until I

1006
00:45:55,480 --> 00:45:57,360
Speaker 6: can't be you know, Mom never did that, so I

1007
00:45:57,400 --> 00:46:00,279
Speaker 6: couldn't see how one of my siblings could do that.

1008
00:46:00,440 --> 00:46:02,640
Speaker 4: But I was that when I was in the church,

1009
00:46:02,840 --> 00:46:03,600
Speaker 4: I had a brother that.

1010
00:46:03,680 --> 00:46:06,000
Speaker 6: Was dying of cancer, and I literally did not go

1011
00:46:06,040 --> 00:46:07,360
Speaker 6: see him because I couldn't.

1012
00:46:07,600 --> 00:46:09,439
Speaker 4: I couldn't get through to the bishop to ask him,

1013
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:12,040
Speaker 4: so I couldn't. I didn't even go see him, and

1014
00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:14,640
Speaker 4: I was so angry at myself. That was one of

1015
00:46:14,719 --> 00:46:16,520
Speaker 4: the things. I was so mad at myself.

1016
00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:18,960
Speaker 6: That I when I found out that everything was just

1017
00:46:19,120 --> 00:46:19,759
Speaker 6: sucking lie.

1018
00:46:19,920 --> 00:46:23,399
Speaker 4: I was like my brother literally died and I didn't

1019
00:46:23,400 --> 00:46:26,080
Speaker 4: get to be there, and I was so mad about that.

1020
00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:27,880
Speaker 4: I couldn't Like there were so many things that I

1021
00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:28,640
Speaker 4: was so angry about.

1022
00:46:28,680 --> 00:46:32,439
Speaker 6: So I would in my anger and all that and

1023
00:46:32,560 --> 00:46:35,839
Speaker 6: learning you know, how to come out of all of it.

1024
00:46:36,239 --> 00:46:38,640
Speaker 6: One of the things that I again, like I said

1025
00:46:38,640 --> 00:46:43,000
Speaker 6: about loving yourself, When you truly love yourself, then you're

1026
00:46:43,760 --> 00:46:46,600
Speaker 6: like just letting you know, the idea of just let

1027
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:50,319
Speaker 6: just let him do whatever. You can't control anybody and

1028
00:46:50,360 --> 00:46:52,120
Speaker 6: you and you would hate it if you could. Honestly,

1029
00:46:52,160 --> 00:46:54,200
Speaker 6: I would hate it if somebody else could control me,

1030
00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:58,200
Speaker 6: Like I give everybody else the illusion, like I will

1031
00:46:58,239 --> 00:46:59,600
Speaker 6: give somebody else an illusion that.

1032
00:46:59,600 --> 00:47:01,480
Speaker 4: There could telling me if that's you know, that's what

1033
00:47:01,640 --> 00:47:03,480
Speaker 4: I'm I'm going to look at it as that.

1034
00:47:03,360 --> 00:47:08,040
Speaker 6: Because you cannot actually control anybody else, it's their choice. Still,

1035
00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:12,239
Speaker 6: it's still you know, so to me, whenever anybody is

1036
00:47:12,520 --> 00:47:15,120
Speaker 6: so damned and mental and they look away, they see me,

1037
00:47:15,200 --> 00:47:17,960
Speaker 6: and many many FLDS people will look at me and

1038
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:21,360
Speaker 6: be like I will get like like they're down or

1039
00:47:21,360 --> 00:47:23,600
Speaker 6: I will get ignored or you know, and both, I

1040
00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:26,080
Speaker 6: mean start down and ignored because I'll be like hi,

1041
00:47:26,320 --> 00:47:28,200
Speaker 6: and well they'll do is just stare at me.

1042
00:47:28,719 --> 00:47:32,919
Speaker 4: And it's okay because guess what I'm Literally it's there.

1043
00:47:33,239 --> 00:47:35,880
Speaker 4: It's their lives, it's their choice. And I feel like,

1044
00:47:36,440 --> 00:47:40,239
Speaker 4: because I've learned so much about me, I can't sit

1045
00:47:40,280 --> 00:47:42,640
Speaker 4: there and be like, oh, I'm gonna feel anger towards

1046
00:47:42,680 --> 00:47:47,120
Speaker 4: them can help. Honestly, it's there. I can't hate towards them.

1047
00:47:47,160 --> 00:47:50,080
Speaker 4: I can't. I believe that every.

1048
00:47:49,880 --> 00:47:54,480
Speaker 6: Person from the FLDS will someday, whether it's in their

1049
00:47:54,520 --> 00:47:57,960
Speaker 6: lifetime or after they die, but someday they're.

1050
00:47:57,800 --> 00:47:59,919
Speaker 4: Going to go, oh my goodness, just like I did,

1051
00:48:00,080 --> 00:48:02,919
Speaker 4: Like holy crap, what what what? What the hell is that?

1052
00:48:03,160 --> 00:48:05,640
Speaker 4: You know, Like, why is it that I gave my

1053
00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:09,960
Speaker 4: whole entire existence to something that literally, like you said,

1054
00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:13,719
Speaker 4: the cognitive difference is just out. It's astounding because of how.

1055
00:48:13,680 --> 00:48:17,040
Speaker 6: Much like you live to like less and you live

1056
00:48:17,160 --> 00:48:20,400
Speaker 6: to like you know, you're saying that you believe in

1057
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:22,360
Speaker 6: Jesus Christ and all this stuff, But if you truly

1058
00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:24,520
Speaker 6: believed in Jesus Christ, like in the way that we

1059
00:48:24,520 --> 00:48:26,439
Speaker 6: were taught when I was growing up, and you would

1060
00:48:26,480 --> 00:48:29,520
Speaker 6: love everybody, right, but the cognitive dissonance there, it's just

1061
00:48:29,560 --> 00:48:33,600
Speaker 6: like it's amazing, right. So by the time you come

1062
00:48:33,600 --> 00:48:36,040
Speaker 6: to the realization, and there are those I know are

1063
00:48:36,080 --> 00:48:38,080
Speaker 6: asking that like can this be right?

1064
00:48:38,360 --> 00:48:41,040
Speaker 4: But you either have to give in. You have to

1065
00:48:41,480 --> 00:48:44,000
Speaker 4: you have to keep asking those questions, and somehow you

1066
00:48:44,000 --> 00:48:46,200
Speaker 4: either start letting go of your mental faculties or you

1067
00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:50,239
Speaker 4: start like hearing your the voice of reason in your

1068
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:52,799
Speaker 4: head right when you start following your actual heart.

1069
00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:59,560
Speaker 6: But honestly, like with that, I held absolutely zero judment even.

1070
00:48:59,360 --> 00:49:00,640
Speaker 4: When people are sitting.

1071
00:49:00,680 --> 00:49:02,759
Speaker 6: I mean, I'm a full time performer and I'm on

1072
00:49:02,800 --> 00:49:06,400
Speaker 6: stage in front of like thousands of people who literally

1073
00:49:06,480 --> 00:49:08,959
Speaker 6: I've met so many people in my life that over

1074
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:12,680
Speaker 6: the past you know, five years that are absolute fans

1075
00:49:12,920 --> 00:49:15,480
Speaker 6: to people who absolutely do not like my music or

1076
00:49:15,480 --> 00:49:18,239
Speaker 6: my voice or anything. And I hear alsoorts all over

1077
00:49:19,360 --> 00:49:22,120
Speaker 6: like and I feel the same as if they had

1078
00:49:22,160 --> 00:49:24,760
Speaker 6: told me how much they enjoyed coffee or they don't

1079
00:49:25,000 --> 00:49:27,480
Speaker 6: have nothing to do with me, because I'm not there

1080
00:49:27,560 --> 00:49:30,920
Speaker 6: to I mean, I enjoy coffee so much, and so

1081
00:49:31,360 --> 00:49:33,000
Speaker 6: I enjoy it and I'll drink it for myself.

1082
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:34,239
Speaker 4: And that's how I feel about my music.

1083
00:49:34,280 --> 00:49:36,200
Speaker 6: I love it so much that I will I'd love

1084
00:49:36,280 --> 00:49:37,920
Speaker 6: to play it, I love to sing it, I love

1085
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:38,560
Speaker 6: to share it.

1086
00:49:38,840 --> 00:49:41,800
Speaker 4: And in the sense of like if somebody else doesn't

1087
00:49:41,840 --> 00:49:43,799
Speaker 4: like coffee, I'm not going to force my coffee down

1088
00:49:43,840 --> 00:49:44,320
Speaker 4: their throughout.

1089
00:49:44,360 --> 00:49:47,080
Speaker 2: You know, it's so mature. I am not like that

1090
00:49:47,239 --> 00:49:50,879
Speaker 2: at all. I'm so hurt if someone doesn't like my art.

1091
00:49:51,560 --> 00:49:55,279
Speaker 6: Ye's funny, like writing music for the church actually made

1092
00:49:55,360 --> 00:49:58,360
Speaker 6: me like, well, I should give it back to my

1093
00:49:58,440 --> 00:50:02,160
Speaker 6: mom again. She like like, well, it's it's literally a

1094
00:50:02,280 --> 00:50:06,239
Speaker 6: matter of choice. Like if somebody enjoys the color red

1095
00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:09,320
Speaker 6: and they want to wear red or whatever, then cool.

1096
00:50:09,320 --> 00:50:11,440
Speaker 6: And if you hate the color red and you don't

1097
00:50:11,480 --> 00:50:13,000
Speaker 6: ever want to wear red, well who are you to

1098
00:50:13,040 --> 00:50:16,080
Speaker 6: tell them they aren't allowed to wear red or vice versa.

1099
00:50:15,640 --> 00:50:18,719
Speaker 5: Which is ironic since you literally couldn't wear red.

1100
00:50:19,200 --> 00:50:19,520
Speaker 7: Right.

1101
00:50:23,880 --> 00:50:24,839
Speaker 5: You're wearing red?

1102
00:50:25,000 --> 00:50:30,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, but yes, exactly.

1103
00:50:29,560 --> 00:50:32,839
Speaker 4: Like saying like, you know, somebody enjoys the in fact

1104
00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:34,800
Speaker 4: that it is a good one too, Like somebody enjoys

1105
00:50:34,840 --> 00:50:36,920
Speaker 4: the sound of the piano or the guitar and somebody

1106
00:50:36,920 --> 00:50:38,279
Speaker 4: else is like, oh, I hate the sound of the

1107
00:50:38,280 --> 00:50:41,000
Speaker 4: piano or the guitar, and so don't listen to it.

1108
00:50:41,280 --> 00:50:43,799
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not a reflection of the value of the

1109
00:50:43,800 --> 00:50:44,600
Speaker 2: piano or the guitar.

1110
00:50:44,880 --> 00:50:45,120
Speaker 5: Yeah.

1111
00:50:45,719 --> 00:50:48,280
Speaker 6: Like being able to like writing music to the choir

1112
00:50:48,400 --> 00:50:50,759
Speaker 6: was just like that. Oh I didn't even mention that,

1113
00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:51,560
Speaker 6: did I did? I?

1114
00:50:52,640 --> 00:50:53,680
Speaker 4: But I was writing music for the.

1115
00:50:53,680 --> 00:50:56,560
Speaker 6: Filias choir and I would take in the piece of

1116
00:50:56,680 --> 00:50:59,279
Speaker 6: music to the choir master and he would decide whether

1117
00:50:59,360 --> 00:51:01,799
Speaker 6: or not it was you know, acceptable or whatever. And

1118
00:51:01,960 --> 00:51:06,359
Speaker 6: I was writing jazz arrangements of the hymns because I

1119
00:51:06,440 --> 00:51:08,680
Speaker 6: thought they were beautiful, and no one knew that that's

1120
00:51:08,719 --> 00:51:11,520
Speaker 6: what all was that they were singing. They know, it's

1121
00:51:11,560 --> 00:51:14,840
Speaker 6: seeing these beautiful jazz arrangements and my goodness. And he

1122
00:51:14,880 --> 00:51:17,120
Speaker 6: would tell me, like the choir master would be like,

1123
00:51:17,480 --> 00:51:19,319
Speaker 6: there was one time I took a piece in and

1124
00:51:19,320 --> 00:51:20,400
Speaker 6: he was like, whoa, I sound like.

1125
00:51:20,719 --> 00:51:22,680
Speaker 4: He was like, we're listening to Las Vegas here, and

1126
00:51:22,800 --> 00:51:23,200
Speaker 4: I'm like.

1127
00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:26,440
Speaker 6: Oh like and he was like, oh, I caught my

1128
00:51:26,520 --> 00:51:28,839
Speaker 6: home and completely revamped that. I wrote a brand new

1129
00:51:28,960 --> 00:51:32,560
Speaker 6: entire arrangement. And it was literally like he had just

1130
00:51:32,640 --> 00:51:33,680
Speaker 6: and this is how I compare it.

1131
00:51:34,040 --> 00:51:36,279
Speaker 4: Like he told me your shoes untied, you know, like

1132
00:51:36,360 --> 00:51:39,400
Speaker 4: oh oh noticeable. Oh yeah, but I see that, or

1133
00:51:39,480 --> 00:51:41,239
Speaker 4: you know that's the way I looked at it back. Man.

1134
00:51:41,560 --> 00:51:44,720
Speaker 6: Now it would be like like, you know, I'm eating

1135
00:51:44,719 --> 00:51:46,800
Speaker 6: a sandwich or I made a sandwich to him and

1136
00:51:46,840 --> 00:51:48,759
Speaker 6: he didn't enjoy the sandwich, so he said, this is

1137
00:51:48,800 --> 00:51:49,359
Speaker 6: the nasty thing.

1138
00:51:50,239 --> 00:51:52,600
Speaker 4: And I'd be like, like, make a new sandwich, you

1139
00:51:52,640 --> 00:51:53,200
Speaker 4: know whatever.

1140
00:51:53,840 --> 00:51:56,920
Speaker 6: Yeah, And that's that's how it was, and that's I

1141
00:51:56,920 --> 00:51:57,760
Speaker 6: feel like that's how.

1142
00:51:57,600 --> 00:52:00,000
Speaker 4: My music is today. Like yeah, like people who really

1143
00:52:00,120 --> 00:52:01,920
Speaker 4: love it and I love that, and and then there

1144
00:52:01,920 --> 00:52:04,200
Speaker 4: are people who just absolutely don't want to hear it.

1145
00:52:04,239 --> 00:52:07,840
Speaker 4: And it's like I'm like, all right, I want to

1146
00:52:07,880 --> 00:52:08,200
Speaker 4: hear it.

1147
00:52:08,239 --> 00:52:10,320
Speaker 2: I want to hear it. And if somebody who's listening

1148
00:52:10,360 --> 00:52:12,919
Speaker 2: wants to hear it, where can they find you? Where

1149
00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:13,520
Speaker 2: can they find it?

1150
00:52:14,160 --> 00:52:18,479
Speaker 6: You can go to Margie Mozart band dot com and

1151
00:52:18,800 --> 00:52:21,800
Speaker 6: there's and then I also have a YouTube channel Margine

1152
00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:24,960
Speaker 6: Moltzartt's have TikTok Margie Mozart.

1153
00:52:25,000 --> 00:52:28,960
Speaker 2: And it's m A r J I right, yeah, yes, and.

1154
00:52:28,920 --> 00:52:30,080
Speaker 4: Then m O d a r T.

1155
00:52:30,800 --> 00:52:34,719
Speaker 6: I have Margie Moltart on Instagram, Facebook. I think the

1156
00:52:34,760 --> 00:52:39,000
Speaker 6: one on on TikTok is margin moltart official because I

1157
00:52:39,040 --> 00:52:40,279
Speaker 6: was like, I was locked out of my.

1158
00:52:40,200 --> 00:52:40,880
Speaker 4: First account, so.

1159
00:52:42,960 --> 00:52:44,319
Speaker 2: All are different too.

1160
00:52:44,719 --> 00:52:47,560
Speaker 6: Yeah, but other than that, I think all of my

1161
00:52:47,600 --> 00:52:50,560
Speaker 6: handles are the same. Other than the website, margin molts

1162
00:52:50,560 --> 00:52:54,080
Speaker 6: are banned dot com. But I'm still working on racing,

1163
00:52:54,239 --> 00:52:56,600
Speaker 6: like releasing right now. I've been in the middle of

1164
00:52:56,640 --> 00:52:58,919
Speaker 6: just working on some covers that were that I play

1165
00:52:58,960 --> 00:53:01,840
Speaker 6: a lot live, that they're about to be released, that

1166
00:53:01,880 --> 00:53:03,920
Speaker 6: I make my own arrangements to the piano, and then

1167
00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:07,680
Speaker 6: saying and that's that's what I do nowadays. But I

1168
00:53:07,719 --> 00:53:10,200
Speaker 6: write music all the time. I seeing a lot of

1169
00:53:10,200 --> 00:53:13,160
Speaker 6: my own original music with my band, and so that

1170
00:53:13,400 --> 00:53:16,040
Speaker 6: is and I and I literally I think I cover

1171
00:53:16,120 --> 00:53:17,080
Speaker 6: almost every genre.

1172
00:53:17,200 --> 00:53:19,520
Speaker 4: I have a production company that's kind of been working

1173
00:53:19,560 --> 00:53:21,720
Speaker 4: with me and like booking some of my shows and stuff.

1174
00:53:21,719 --> 00:53:25,360
Speaker 6: And the production like the head of production was like

1175
00:53:25,680 --> 00:53:28,719
Speaker 6: kind of labeled my own, like's like you have your

1176
00:53:28,760 --> 00:53:30,279
Speaker 6: own I can't remember what he.

1177
00:53:30,320 --> 00:53:32,560
Speaker 4: Called it, but it's a genre all of my own.

1178
00:53:33,320 --> 00:53:34,919
Speaker 4: I believe pop rock.

1179
00:53:35,160 --> 00:53:38,000
Speaker 6: It's like could be pop rock, it could be soul,

1180
00:53:38,120 --> 00:53:38,960
Speaker 6: it could be punk.

1181
00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:43,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's great. That's all the best stuff.

1182
00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:46,560
Speaker 5: I think me too. I can't wait to listen to it.

1183
00:53:46,719 --> 00:53:50,800
Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you so much for sharing like this beyond

1184
00:53:51,040 --> 00:53:54,840
Speaker 1: interesting story with one of the happiest endings I've ever heard.

1185
00:53:55,160 --> 00:54:01,520
Speaker 2: I know, Christmas and it's giving the censor very beautiful. Yeah,

1186
00:54:01,520 --> 00:54:05,960
Speaker 2: thank you, thank you with you and there we have it, beautiful.

1187
00:54:06,120 --> 00:54:09,960
Speaker 2: Thank you to Margie Megan. I'm pretty confident you would

1188
00:54:09,960 --> 00:54:13,840
Speaker 2: not join the FLDS, So I guess I will ask you.

1189
00:54:14,280 --> 00:54:16,880
Speaker 2: Have you ever felt like religion or I guess like

1190
00:54:16,920 --> 00:54:22,120
Speaker 2: societal structures in general were hampering your dreams or like me, yes,

1191
00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:25,560
Speaker 2: didn't even get to tip of the tongue, tell me, tell.

1192
00:54:25,360 --> 00:54:25,680
Speaker 7: Me, yeah.

1193
00:54:25,680 --> 00:54:28,759
Speaker 2: I wasn't allowed to go to dance class. Oh that's right. Yeah, yeah.

1194
00:54:28,800 --> 00:54:31,360
Speaker 1: My ultimate dream would have been to be a dancer.

1195
00:54:31,440 --> 00:54:33,440
Speaker 2: Do you think you would have legit been a dancer?

1196
00:54:33,600 --> 00:54:34,000
Speaker 4: Yeah?

1197
00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:35,120
Speaker 2: Are you good at dancing?

1198
00:54:35,280 --> 00:54:35,440
Speaker 4: No?

1199
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:40,640
Speaker 2: Oh cool? I mean, but I wasn't given the lessons.

1200
00:54:40,840 --> 00:54:44,800
Speaker 1: M No. And just like you know, I remember my

1201
00:54:44,880 --> 00:54:46,960
Speaker 1: dad on saying this stuck with me so hard, like

1202
00:54:47,040 --> 00:54:48,759
Speaker 1: because him and I would just read and read and

1203
00:54:48,760 --> 00:54:50,759
Speaker 1: read and read and read, like you know, we'd always

1204
00:54:50,800 --> 00:54:52,160
Speaker 1: be reading the same books. And he'd be like I'd

1205
00:54:52,160 --> 00:54:53,880
Speaker 1: love to try a book, but like the words I

1206
00:54:53,880 --> 00:54:56,000
Speaker 1: would have to use and the topics I'd have to explore,

1207
00:54:56,000 --> 00:54:59,240
Speaker 1: I just it would be too sinful. And so a writer,

1208
00:54:59,360 --> 00:55:00,719
Speaker 1: who was I? I think I always have that in

1209
00:55:00,760 --> 00:55:02,120
Speaker 1: the back of my head as I'm trying to write

1210
00:55:02,120 --> 00:55:02,399
Speaker 1: a book.

1211
00:55:02,480 --> 00:55:06,440
Speaker 2: Really yeah, oh that's super interesting. With what words would

1212
00:55:06,800 --> 00:55:08,160
Speaker 2: one use that would be sinful?

1213
00:55:08,320 --> 00:55:10,759
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, I think to write an interesting adult book,

1214
00:55:10,800 --> 00:55:13,040
Speaker 1: you probably have to say like a bad word and

1215
00:55:13,239 --> 00:55:17,239
Speaker 1: do you I don't know, you know, I guess my

1216
00:55:17,320 --> 00:55:22,520
Speaker 1: dad wanted to do. Yeah, I no, I don't know,

1217
00:55:22,560 --> 00:55:25,279
Speaker 1: and he probably would not remember saying that, and the

1218
00:55:25,320 --> 00:55:28,160
Speaker 1: slightest that's super interesting, but it always stuck with me,

1219
00:55:28,800 --> 00:55:31,479
Speaker 1: you know, just little ways that we hold ourselves back

1220
00:55:31,960 --> 00:55:33,520
Speaker 1: when you know we're taught.

1221
00:55:33,719 --> 00:55:37,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't think I ever felt like religion was

1222
00:55:37,160 --> 00:55:41,000
Speaker 2: holding me back because I oddly feel like, well, of

1223
00:55:41,040 --> 00:55:44,920
Speaker 2: course in Mormonism you can't hold the priesthood and and

1224
00:55:44,960 --> 00:55:47,640
Speaker 2: women are very much encouraged to have children, but there

1225
00:55:47,760 --> 00:55:50,520
Speaker 2: is also like I felt like most Mormons I knew

1226
00:55:50,560 --> 00:55:53,359
Speaker 2: were like on a path of education and ambition in

1227
00:55:53,400 --> 00:55:56,280
Speaker 2: some way. Yeah, So I never felt like my ambition

1228
00:55:56,400 --> 00:55:58,600
Speaker 2: was necessarily discouraged. And that might just be because of

1229
00:55:58,640 --> 00:56:01,080
Speaker 2: my particular mom, because that my mom is like the

1230
00:56:01,120 --> 00:56:04,640
Speaker 2: most supportive human who's ever existed, right, But I will

1231
00:56:04,680 --> 00:56:09,359
Speaker 2: say society at large definitely, Like it took me till

1232
00:56:09,400 --> 00:56:12,400
Speaker 2: age I'm thirty five. It took me till age thirty

1233
00:56:13,000 --> 00:56:17,719
Speaker 2: twenty nine, no, probably late twenties to even conceive of

1234
00:56:17,760 --> 00:56:20,400
Speaker 2: the fact that I could ever possibly be a director

1235
00:56:21,040 --> 00:56:25,000
Speaker 2: because I'd only I primarily only ever seen dudes doing

1236
00:56:25,080 --> 00:56:26,520
Speaker 2: it when every time I got on said it was

1237
00:56:26,560 --> 00:56:29,680
Speaker 2: a dude director. Like, it never even occurred to me

1238
00:56:29,719 --> 00:56:32,319
Speaker 2: that it could be possible that I could be one, Right,

1239
00:56:33,280 --> 00:56:35,800
Speaker 2: So you know that's the patriarchy, baby.

1240
00:56:35,960 --> 00:56:39,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, interesting, Well now you're winning awards, now I'm

1241
00:56:39,800 --> 00:56:43,320
Speaker 1: a director, yeah, and then I am a professional dancer.

1242
00:56:43,520 --> 00:56:47,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's just what we know. You ford bus to

1243
00:56:47,719 --> 00:56:48,640
Speaker 2: move right now.

1244
00:56:50,760 --> 00:56:53,120
Speaker 5: Thanks y'all for being here. Can't wait for y'all to

1245
00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:54,600
Speaker 5: hear this song before we go.

1246
00:56:54,760 --> 00:56:57,480
Speaker 1: We'll see you again next week and as always, remember

1247
00:56:57,520 --> 00:56:59,839
Speaker 1: to follow your gut, watch out for red flex.

1248
00:56:59,719 --> 00:57:05,080
Speaker 2: And ever ever trust me, and here is somebody out there.

1249
00:57:05,080 --> 00:57:22,840
Speaker 2: By Margie Muther, all.

1250
00:57:22,760 --> 00:57:28,200
Speaker 7: The sun and pain, all the tears, the fall like rain.

1251
00:57:29,720 --> 00:57:34,320
Speaker 3: All your strength, it's not in vain. I see your.

1252
00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:43,920
Speaker 7: Power all the sleepless nights then pretending to be all

1253
00:57:44,120 --> 00:57:48,200
Speaker 7: right still you never damn your light.

1254
00:57:49,360 --> 00:57:50,640
Speaker 5: I see your bellow.

1255
00:57:53,720 --> 00:57:59,280
Speaker 3: When you're fighting through the storm and you're looking for

1256
00:57:59,560 --> 00:58:03,840
Speaker 3: some worlds, there are the things that you and.

1257
00:58:05,800 --> 00:58:07,800
Speaker 4: Just remember your so.

1258
00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:14,840
Speaker 7: Much that super hero super.

1259
00:58:14,960 --> 00:58:41,960
Speaker 3: Here, I see your There might be questions too, might

1260
00:58:42,040 --> 00:58:49,320
Speaker 3: be wondering if you can you make it through and

1261
00:58:49,600 --> 00:58:56,480
Speaker 3: see your bell, I say come. There might be secret fees,

1262
00:58:57,720 --> 00:59:04,400
Speaker 3: might be dark clouds there you listen, you can hear

1263
00:59:05,240 --> 00:59:06,840
Speaker 3: and see your prol.

1264
00:59:06,880 --> 00:59:15,040
Speaker 8: Listen, kids, when you're finding the story.

1265
00:59:13,720 --> 00:59:18,120
Speaker 5: And you're walking through some more, through.

1266
00:59:17,960 --> 00:59:19,280
Speaker 8: The things that you.

1267
00:59:21,800 --> 00:59:24,360
Speaker 1: Just remember so much.

1268
00:59:24,200 --> 00:59:27,400
Speaker 8: More than souper.

1269
00:59:30,200 --> 00:59:30,840
Speaker 7: Super.

1270
00:59:37,320 --> 00:59:39,200
Speaker 4: I see your cow Way.

1271
00:59:42,840 --> 00:59:46,840
Speaker 5: And all the stories of Pliston.

1272
00:59:46,640 --> 00:59:48,200
Speaker 3: Where he was all.

1273
00:59:50,720 --> 00:59:52,720
Speaker 5: They grow their power.

1274
00:59:53,720 --> 01:00:02,120
Speaker 3: There's now the honey in.

1275
01:00:02,280 --> 01:00:05,439
Speaker 8: Realizing more males.

1276
01:00:05,960 --> 01:00:08,640
Speaker 3: You're old coin.

1277
01:00:10,000 --> 01:00:10,880
Speaker 1: The best.

1278
01:00:12,720 --> 01:00:22,320
Speaker 8: Day point through the storm and you're locking saw someone

1279
01:00:23,680 --> 01:00:29,880
Speaker 8: through the things that you went to. Just remember your song.

1280
01:00:32,240 --> 01:00:36,320
Speaker 6: Si.

1281
01:00:43,240 --> 01:00:51,800
Speaker 5: I see your pew, I see.

1282
01:00:51,920 --> 01:01:00,680
Speaker 7: Your pet nail. I see your power.

1283
01:01:04,520 --> 01:01:08,760
Speaker 3: Hm, I see your power.

1284
01:01:16,360 --> 01:01:17,800
Speaker 5: All the sir.

1285
01:01:17,800 --> 01:01:23,880
Speaker 3: And pain, all the tears, the fall like green, all

1286
01:01:23,920 --> 01:01:24,680
Speaker 3: your strength.

1287
01:01:24,800 --> 01:01:26,320
Speaker 8: It's not in vain.

1288
01:01:27,280 --> 01:01:28,880
Speaker 5: I see your power.