Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship,
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio,
Speaker 1: Grind Rising and Welcome to the Our Spot. Today's topic
Speaker 1: is so important, self worth and how it impacts and
Speaker 1: is impacted by what we believe we deserve. I am
Speaker 1: a Yamla, your host here to support you in creating
Speaker 1: or recreating, building or rebuilding, growing, healing, banding, mutually, respectful, fulfilling,
Speaker 1: loving relationships in every area of your life, with your family,
Speaker 1: in your professional and social life, in your bedroom, and
Speaker 1: in the kitchen, because what you do in those two
Speaker 1: rooms often determines how you feel in every other area
Speaker 1: of your life. Relationships, they are desired the most, and
Speaker 1: they can be the very thing that drives most of
Speaker 1: us crazy. And that's because we often fear asking for
Speaker 1: what we want, or we settle for less than we want,
Speaker 1: or we accept what shows up, hoping, wishing and trying
Speaker 1: to make it something else. And no matter who you are,
Speaker 1: all of our relationships are going to reflect back to
Speaker 1: us the truth, often the secret or silent truth of
Speaker 1: what we believe we can have and what we believe
Speaker 1: we deserve. Even when we think we want more or
Speaker 1: deserve more, for some reason, we will hold on to
Speaker 1: or try to fix those relationships that are not fulfilling
Speaker 1: our needs. It's just a human thing. I don't know
Speaker 1: you know. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the our spot.
Speaker 1: We are talking about self worth today. What is it?
Speaker 1: Do you have it? Where'd you get it? And if not,
Speaker 1: why not? What do you have that we can nibble
Speaker 1: on together today?
Speaker 2: I have been wrestling with my own self worth in
Speaker 2: relation to my relationship with my father as a gay man.
Speaker 2: My father does not approve of me, and it has
Speaker 2: really become a major issue in my life to where
Speaker 2: I find myself. I find myself performing to try to
Speaker 2: seek love and attention and two degrees and a certification later,
Speaker 2: and I still don't have his approval or acceptance. And
Speaker 2: it's a really long, drawn out, dramatic story. But ultimately
Speaker 2: he did apologize to me a couple of years ago,
Speaker 2: and I was living in Atlanta at the time, and
Speaker 2: so I ended up moving back home to Phoenix to
Speaker 2: try to rekindle our relationship and my wordship with my
Speaker 2: siblings because he essentially cut off that relationship with him
Speaker 2: there and I'm the oldest child and so all of
Speaker 2: my siblings are kind of like my children, and he,
Speaker 2: because I've read, helped raise them. And so I was like,
Speaker 2: this is the perfect opportunity is for us to rebuild,
Speaker 2: and ultimately thinks have just gotten worse. He hasn't really
Speaker 2: shown up for me the way he said that he
Speaker 2: was going to. He's like, I'm want to start reaching
Speaker 2: out more and all of that, and ultimately he's like
Speaker 2: stunted with guilt and he sees the fruit of what
Speaker 2: he's sown between the relationship between me and him and
Speaker 2: my siblings, and it's just become a mess.
Speaker 1: Can I ask you a question? First of all, thank
Speaker 1: you for sharing your experience so authentically. I really feel
Speaker 1: your heart and your sharing. But tell me what does
Speaker 1: this mean? He does not approve of me.
Speaker 2: So my background, my mother is Christian and my dad
Speaker 2: is a Muslim specifically Nation of Islam, and so very
Speaker 2: strict religious beliefs when it comes to homosexuality, and he
Speaker 2: doesn't know how to compartmental lie that part of me,
Speaker 2: you know, hate the sin, love, the ciner type of thing.
Speaker 2: But he just sees me as gay. Like when I
Speaker 2: walk in the room. We had a conversation and I
Speaker 2: was like, you know, I could be so much worse.
Speaker 2: I could be a drug dealer, I could be, you know,
Speaker 2: a murderer or whatever, and I feel like you would
Speaker 2: love me and accept me more then, And he was
Speaker 2: just like, yeah, I don't know why it is, but
Speaker 2: it just as soon as you walk in the room,
Speaker 2: that's the first thing I recognize about you. And I
Speaker 2: just can't get over that. That's what I mean.
Speaker 1: So are you saying that his opinion about you is
Speaker 1: stronger than your opinion about yourself?
Speaker 2: It has been in the past. I'm working out of that,
Speaker 2: but you know, I just I would love to have
Speaker 2: his approval, and not only just his approval, his wisdom
Speaker 2: that he has and like guiding me and I kind
Speaker 2: of avoided a lot of things that I've gone through
Speaker 2: and put myself in my life. I feel if I
Speaker 2: had a relationship with my father.
Speaker 1: Okay, I want to share with you my definition or
Speaker 1: the definition that we're working with today as it relates
Speaker 1: to self worth, okay, okay, and then we're gonna break
Speaker 1: that down and we're gonna fill it in for you.
Speaker 1: Self worth is what you request, what you require, and
Speaker 1: what you expect for yourself and from others as a
Speaker 1: function or reflection of how you see and hold yourself
Speaker 1: within yourself. So what are you requesting as it relates
Speaker 1: to your father, What are you requesting for yourself?
Speaker 2: I'm requesting that I find the things that I'm looking
Speaker 2: for from my father within myself. I no longer need
Speaker 2: to seek or want his validation or really to have
Speaker 2: him in my life in that way, because I've tried
Speaker 2: to distance myself from and I try to set boundaries,
Speaker 2: and I still have dreams about him, and I just
Speaker 2: I want to remove that desire and also find the
Speaker 2: things that I'm looking for in myself.
Speaker 1: Okay, So let me fast track you here, because for me,
Speaker 1: what you would be requesting of your father is at
Speaker 1: the grandest level, acceptance of who you are, and that
Speaker 1: the smaller level, just respect for how you self identify.
Speaker 1: Let me go here, how you see and hold yourself
Speaker 1: within yourself that determines what you expect from others. Because see,
Speaker 1: in life, just as a function of cause and effect.
Speaker 1: You don't get what you ask for. You don't get
Speaker 1: what you want, you get what you expect. So what
Speaker 1: I see, according to the law, and I'm willing to
Speaker 1: be wrong, Okay, what I see is that you expect
Speaker 1: people to judge you, criticize, you, demean you, denounce you,
Speaker 1: diminish you because you're gay.
Speaker 2: Yes, and.
Speaker 1: Right there, right there, hold it, right there, take a
Speaker 1: breath that you expect. And maybe from when you were
Speaker 1: younger and you realize you were gay and it wasn't
Speaker 1: accepted and people called your names, maybe it's that what
Speaker 1: you experienced early in life as it relates to how
Speaker 1: you self identify as a gay man. You expect people
Speaker 1: to criticize, judge, demean, diminish, denounce you. Yeah, so your
Speaker 1: father is simply reflecting back to you a part of yourself,
Speaker 1: even if it's it's a tiny small part of yourself
Speaker 1: that still expects that. But here's the singer that you're
Speaker 1: ready for. The singer. This is a pearl for clutching,
Speaker 1: not clutch a pearl, but this is a pearl you
Speaker 1: have that you need to clutch. Okay, in life in general,
Speaker 1: not for you, not for me. For everybody. The universe,
Speaker 1: the energy that we live in does not register adjectives
Speaker 1: or adverbs, doesn't register that. So, for example, when you
Speaker 1: say my foot hurts, the universe doesn't register the my
Speaker 1: It just registers foohurts. When you say my father, the
Speaker 1: universe doesn't register my It only registers father. Do you
Speaker 1: understand that, yes, ma'am. So when you say I expect
Speaker 1: my my father to judge, criticize, diminish, reject, blah blah
Speaker 1: blah me, what you're really saying is I expect father
Speaker 1: to judge, criticize, condemn me, which means you expect God,
Speaker 1: source creator, the judge, condemned, criticize, diminished, demean you because
Speaker 1: you're gay. Take a breath, Clutch that pearl. Tell me
Speaker 1: what you heard me say.
Speaker 2: That when I have an expectation that my father will
Speaker 2: judge me, or abandon me or anything negative in that way,
Speaker 2: I am ultimately saying that God, or really anyone in
Speaker 2: my life, I'm kind of bringing that on the energy
Speaker 2: onto myself when I put those things out in me,
Speaker 2: the universe, and I hope old beliefs well.
Speaker 1: I don't want you to beat yourself up, not that
Speaker 1: you're bringing it on to yourself, but that that secret,
Speaker 1: silent belief. I heard you say my mother is a Christian.
Speaker 1: We know Christians denounce gain. I heard you say my
Speaker 1: father is a Muslim. We know that the Islamic faith
Speaker 1: doesn't embrace the concept of gayness. So your whole concept,
Speaker 1: your mother which is your heart, and your father, which
Speaker 1: is your mind, both of them denounce who you are.
Speaker 1: And I don't know this to be true. I'm offering
Speaker 1: it for you to consider your self worth is tied
Speaker 1: to the fact that somewhere within you there may be
Speaker 1: a belief that God doesn't accept who you are. Have
Speaker 1: you ever considered that?
Speaker 2: Yes, because of being diation that I have been through
Speaker 2: growing up.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely. So what's showing up with your father is
Speaker 1: your expectation that who you are as you are, how
Speaker 1: you identify as a gay man is wrong. It's bad,
Speaker 1: it's sinful, and you probably is going to hell. You
Speaker 1: got your hel shoes, I know you got your hel shoes.
Speaker 2: Yes, there is a part of me and I've been
Speaker 2: working through that. I'm a praise leader at two churches,
Speaker 2: even like really identifying my faith. You know, they forced
Speaker 2: me to try to pick one or the other. And
Speaker 2: I'm just like, I don't consider myself religious. I worship God,
Speaker 2: you know, And.
Speaker 1: Does God love you gay? Man?
Speaker 2: I believe that he does.
Speaker 1: Yes, does he accept you?
Speaker 2: That part I'm struggling with.
Speaker 1: And so yeah, there it is. How can your father
Speaker 1: on earth accept you when you're not clear that your father,
Speaker 1: your creator, your source accepts you. So what you're seeing
Speaker 1: in your dad, your physical Dad, is simply a function
Speaker 1: of the secret, silent thought that you're holding. And you
Speaker 1: go to church and do a faith leading, where's your faith?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: Let me ask you a question. Is your God stupid?
Speaker 1: Myn n ain't stupid? But is your stupid? No? So
Speaker 1: does he not know that you gay? And if you
Speaker 1: come come out of the strict Christian dogma and theology,
Speaker 1: could he not pluck its out thy high?
Speaker 3: He did not?
Speaker 1: Could he not twist it off thy penis if he
Speaker 1: wanted to? Okay? So, what you see, what you request,
Speaker 1: require and expect of yourself for yourself from others is
Speaker 1: a function of how you see and know yourself within yourself.
Speaker 1: Forget your father, He's just something going on inside of you.
Speaker 1: Reflecting back your work, beloved is about seeing and holding
Speaker 1: yourself as acceptable to God, just as you are you
Speaker 1: and that's all inner work. That's not out of work. God.
Speaker 1: Let me know you accept me. Let me know I
Speaker 1: am acceptable in thy sight beyond the fact that I
Speaker 1: identify as a gay man. Let me know that I'm acceptable,
Speaker 1: Show me, teach me, let me feel it. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: trust you God, grow self acceptance within me because yourself
Speaker 1: is your I am and I am as God's name.
Speaker 1: That's your work. Forget about your father, forget about your siblings.
Speaker 1: Until you grow that, You're going to continue to get
Speaker 1: what you expect, which is to be criticized, judge, rejected, abandoned, diminished,
Speaker 1: denied as a gay man. Yeah, so part of it
Speaker 1: is going back to when you first realized and revealed
Speaker 1: that you were gay and doing forgiveness work. Forgiving yourself
Speaker 1: for being ashamed, afraid, whatever, forgiving other people for the
Speaker 1: way that they treated you, forgiving your dad for the
Speaker 1: day he told you I don't approve of you. Forgiveness.
Speaker 2: That's the hard part for me, is the forgiveness work.
Speaker 2: And I feel like I keep exposing myself to the
Speaker 2: same trauma. For example, my oldest brother, I'm the oldest
Speaker 2: saving I'm my oldest brother. Were all you always used
Speaker 2: to get along, and then this period of separate happened,
Speaker 2: and then he comes back into my life and now
Speaker 2: he holds the same beliefs as my father. And I
Speaker 2: have two other siblings in that household that I can't
Speaker 2: be exposed to in the way that I would like.
Speaker 2: And so while I want to engage with my siblings
Speaker 2: and build that relationship and that rapport, it feels like
Speaker 2: I'm exposing myself to be re traumatized over and over
Speaker 2: again by people that I love. And so it's like
Speaker 2: a constant forgiveness. And I don't want to have to
Speaker 2: be hurt and then forgive, be hurt, and then forgive,
Speaker 2: be hurt and then forgive. I want to do the
Speaker 2: forgiveness and be done with the forgiveness and still be
Speaker 2: a part of my siblings' wives. But it's feeling like
Speaker 2: I'm going to have to choose one or the other.
Speaker 2: And that's the hard part for me.
Speaker 1: Well, who would you choose? Let me just ask that.
Speaker 2: I have to choose myself.
Speaker 1: Well, no, you don't have to, but you can, And
Speaker 1: the question becomes if you're willing. But the thing that
Speaker 1: I want you to get is that their behavior is
Speaker 1: a function of your secret belief that you're not acceptable
Speaker 1: to God. You got to begin within, yes, and before
Speaker 1: you can forgive them. When and where and how have
Speaker 1: you rejected yourself? Have you abandoned yourself? Have you judged yourself?
Speaker 1: And maybe it's not yourself, maybe it's things that you did.
Speaker 1: I can't come out as gay, so I got to
Speaker 1: sneak around and do you know all manner of devy
Speaker 1: and behavior or whatever? I don't know. You have to
Speaker 1: do that work. Forgive your thoughts about yourself. Forgive the
Speaker 1: things that you've done or the things you haven't done.
Speaker 1: Let's forgive the times that you didn't step up to
Speaker 1: get what you wanted or ask for what you wanted
Speaker 1: because you thought you'd be rejected because you were gay.
Speaker 1: How about that?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And it may mean that for a time you have
Speaker 1: to step away from your family because if they are
Speaker 1: spiritually polluting your mind and your heart, how come you're
Speaker 1: the only one doing work here? How come they're not
Speaker 1: doing work to try to get to the place where
Speaker 1: you are their brother and their son? Why you the
Speaker 1: only one doing the work? You're just supposed to bow
Speaker 1: down and kneel down to what they think and believe
Speaker 1: you don't deserve their consideration. Do you get that? That's
Speaker 1: another way you diminish yourself by making their opinion and
Speaker 1: their demands and their requirements more important than your own. Yes,
Speaker 1: we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to the r spot. Let's pick up where we left off.
Speaker 2: I've been taught and raising like family is you know,
Speaker 2: blood is sticking in water. You know that? Saying so
Speaker 2: somewhere in me, I believe like, if my family doesn't
Speaker 2: love me and accept me, then how would anyone else?
Speaker 1: Well? Remember, remember the universe doesn't acknowledge adjectives and adverbs.
Speaker 1: So when you say my family doesn't accept me, you're
Speaker 1: saying family, the human family, the world. And you know
Speaker 1: that's not true. The world does accept you, and aren't
Speaker 1: you their family? Do they see you as family? Right?
Speaker 2: That is a good question.
Speaker 1: Here's a sticky part, particularly when it comes to religious
Speaker 1: dogma and theology. When somebody says they're gay, or they're
Speaker 1: lets being, or they're queer, or you know, whatever way
Speaker 1: they self identify, the only thing people get stuck on
Speaker 1: is the sex right. They only think that being gay
Speaker 1: means that that you just jump around having sex in
Speaker 1: the supermarket and the walmartint you breathe, you bleed, you poop,
Speaker 1: your fart, and you're human. How come people only focus
Speaker 1: on the sex part When people look at me and
Speaker 1: my old self, They ain't walking around thinking well what
Speaker 1: she doing in the bed? Why did they do that?
Speaker 1: To gay people? That's crazy as hell. Ain't nobody looking
Speaker 1: at me wondering what I do?
Speaker 2: Right? And it goes back to what I was saying,
Speaker 2: how my dad said, well that's all I see, you know,
Speaker 2: And I'm just like, well, what about everything else? You know?
Speaker 2: And so right right?
Speaker 1: What about your degrees? What about your Christmas presents that
Speaker 1: you give? Yeah, here's a question, and this is a
Speaker 1: hard question and you don't have to answer it, but
Speaker 1: this is where I think you got to do your work.
Speaker 1: Are you willing to let them go so that you
Speaker 1: can heal what they represent? Yeah, you don't have to
Speaker 1: answer right now, but that's the question on the table.
Speaker 1: Well that's the pearl you gotta clutch. Am I willing
Speaker 1: to let them go until I heal the part of
Speaker 1: me that allows me to accept how they treat me?
Speaker 1: Because how they treat you is what's diminishing your self
Speaker 1: worth may not be forever, and it may be.
Speaker 2: And that's where I'm at my dad. I'm willing to
Speaker 2: let go of that forever. But I don't want to
Speaker 2: represent what my dad did to me. And it's not
Speaker 2: just the gay andess. My dad is just a judgmental person.
Speaker 2: So he's had issues with all of his oldest children.
Speaker 2: So I want to step in and I would like
Speaker 2: to be a beacon of light for them, and I
Speaker 2: don't want to represent abandonment and walking away to my siblings.
Speaker 1: But that's not no, no, no, no, I'm going to
Speaker 1: denounce that. I'm going to denounce it, as your mother
Speaker 1: would say, in the name of Jesus. Okay, you're not
Speaker 1: abandoning them, You're taking care of yourself. How about that?
Speaker 1: Would you continually stick your toe in a vat of
Speaker 1: hot grease? Would you do that?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Well, then they are a vat of hot grease. Stop
Speaker 1: sticking your toe in there. Yeah, you in church, you're
Speaker 1: faith leader. So I'm gonna take you right here. Come
Speaker 1: with me, get your pearl, Clutch your pearl, and come
Speaker 1: with me.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: Psalm twenty seven. When my father and my mother forsake me,
Speaker 1: then the Lord will pick me up. Stay right there,
Speaker 1: don't go nowhere but there.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 1: If they have forsaken you, stop looking left and right,
Speaker 1: look up.
Speaker 2: And God has kept me. And I see it because
Speaker 2: I could have turned out to be something much worse.
Speaker 2: And when I look around and I look at my community,
Speaker 2: when I see how everyone is all kind of face
Speaker 2: same issue, and so I'm turning of drugs and alcohol
Speaker 2: and facts and everything else, and like I'm looking where
Speaker 2: my life is and I'm like, I'm grateful that I
Speaker 2: didn't at least go that far. And so I know
Speaker 2: that God is keeping me in and I trust me out.
Speaker 2: I'm happy conversations with myself about do I need to
Speaker 2: just walk away? And I am praying and I'm still
Speaker 2: wrestling with that. And I want to believe that one day,
Speaker 2: once they're out of his house, that my siblings will
Speaker 2: be exposed to the world and come back to me
Speaker 2: and all of that. And so I'm right with you.
Speaker 2: You know you're just giving me confirmation, So I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: Listen, Denying yourself is a drug, so drug, and when
Speaker 1: you continue to put yourself in situations, well your demean diminished, denied.
Speaker 1: You getting high on your habitual mechanisms and you insisting
Speaker 1: that you have to be in their life. That's how
Speaker 1: you get high. You're looking at them as family? Are
Speaker 1: they looking at you as family? You value your connection
Speaker 1: to them? Do they value your connection to you? Your
Speaker 1: worth is what you request, require and respect for yourself
Speaker 1: from others. You have a right to request that they
Speaker 1: accept you. They have a right to refuse. You have
Speaker 1: a right to require people to treat you in a
Speaker 1: certain way, and they have a right not to do it.
Speaker 1: You have a right to expect to be accepted and
Speaker 1: honored and loved and valued, and they have a right
Speaker 1: not to do it. Then you get to choose if
Speaker 1: you want to stay in that environment or if you
Speaker 1: want to let the Lord pick you up and build
Speaker 1: a whole nother family.
Speaker 4: I love you, I know what I require people, and
Speaker 4: when they show me if they are not able or
Speaker 4: unwill willing to, I still stay around.
Speaker 1: Well see when they show you that they're not able
Speaker 1: or willing to. That is God answering your prayer. Yes,
Speaker 1: but you have to choose. Okay, this is my answer
Speaker 1: to my prayer. I'm either going to stay here and
Speaker 1: try to make it different, or I'm a jet up
Speaker 1: out of here. Right, So let me ask you, beloved,
Speaker 1: what are you going to do different after our conversation.
Speaker 2: I'm willing to the same requirements that I think that
Speaker 2: I have for other people. I'm willing to challenge myself
Speaker 2: to be that for myself and to have more faith
Speaker 2: and challenge my faith in God than to stop looking
Speaker 2: outwards and holding expectations that people are going to leave
Speaker 2: or abandon or not accept, and be okay with accepting
Speaker 2: myself and be okay with setting those boundaries so that
Speaker 2: I'm not being a drug addicts anymore.
Speaker 1: You're not getting high. You're not getting high no more.
Speaker 1: And remember, God, in God's infinite wisdom, knew we would
Speaker 1: face those situations, circumstances, places where we would be rejected
Speaker 1: or abandoned or deny so long before any of us
Speaker 1: took on a body God provided for us. When my
Speaker 1: mother and my father forsake me, abandon me, reject me,
Speaker 1: when my heavenly mother and father do that, then the Lord,
Speaker 1: my source, my creator, will pick me up. But if
Speaker 1: you don't believe that the Lord accepts you, then you
Speaker 1: just out here floundering in the darkness.
Speaker 5: That was true.
Speaker 1: It's not easy, but you know what you pray to
Speaker 1: prayer is the answer.
Speaker 2: I really appreciate it because I have been wrestling with it,
Speaker 2: I have been praying about it, and I needed the
Speaker 2: confirmation in my spirit. I already made the decision to
Speaker 2: walk away, and I felt terrible about it. But thank
Speaker 2: you for helping me understand it. From God to you know,
Speaker 2: get through it.
Speaker 1: Breathe, breathe, and listen. Walk Away doesn't mean detach. Walk
Speaker 1: a way may mean just removing yourself from the consistent battering.
Speaker 1: You can still send a Christmas card, a Birthday card.
Speaker 1: You can still call when it feels right. You let
Speaker 1: them know where you are. You can still do that.
Speaker 1: Walking away doesn't mean cutting them off. It just means
Speaker 1: taking care of yourself in the process of interacting with them.
Speaker 1: That's how you build self worth. Yes, Nat, stay in
Speaker 1: that song, in fact, read the whole song. Y Okay,
Speaker 1: go back to verse one. Okay, work with that. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: my darling. Thank you for trusting me with your story,
Speaker 1: and I hope that you've heard something here that's gonna
Speaker 1: turn this around and build your worth.
Speaker 2: Thank you. I appreciate it, mister young, and I hope
Speaker 2: you have a wonderful, marvelous blessed not only day life.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Wow. We have to remember that no matter
Speaker 1: what it looks like out there, and no matter who
Speaker 1: is doing it out there, your self worth grows from
Speaker 1: the inside what you request, require and expect for yourself
Speaker 1: from others, and if others are giving it back to you,
Speaker 1: you've got to look at what's going on inside of
Speaker 1: me that makes this okay, big, big, big lesson for
Speaker 1: all of us, all of us just like me. I
Speaker 1: got it too. Okay, We've got more. So stay tuned,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the R Spot. We are talking about self
Speaker 1: worth today. What do you have to say about that?
Speaker 5: Thank you so much for opening up this space for
Speaker 5: us to talk about self worth. I find myself in
Speaker 5: like a repeated cycle. I'm forty years old, and I
Speaker 5: believe that it all stems with the relationships that I've
Speaker 5: had with my family, including my mother. Though the relationship
Speaker 5: with my father has healed, but the issues that continue
Speaker 5: to arise with my mother extend into partnerships that I've had,
Speaker 5: which I find myself choosing relationships that aren't necessarily good
Speaker 5: for me, and I'm trying to figure out how to
Speaker 5: break the cycle instead of closing myself off to the world.
Speaker 1: Oh, kidoki, you got to tell me what the pattern is,
Speaker 1: or what the cycle is, so that we can perhaps
Speaker 1: dissect it together.
Speaker 5: The cycle is just choosing partnerships, including friendships that haven't
Speaker 5: been good for me. With my mother, I believe that
Speaker 5: it's stims there because I was always the child that
Speaker 5: took care of everyone else. My mother had multiple relationships
Speaker 5: and even the marriage that she is and now we
Speaker 5: know that there's been infidelity that has been brought up
Speaker 5: with people in the public, to our family, and then
Speaker 5: it's just her right to choose to stay in her marriage.
Speaker 5: But then when it comes to me and my siblings,
Speaker 5: we take a back seat. And we've always taken a
Speaker 5: back seat with the other relationships with she was in,
Speaker 5: including a from a partner that she was with that
Speaker 5: put us in foster care. And so then when you know,
Speaker 5: when I address those issues with her, you know, it's
Speaker 5: like it never happened, or my side of the story
Speaker 5: is not my side of the story. It's not what
Speaker 5: happened in her eyes, all.
Speaker 1: Right, So based on what I'm hearing, you say, in
Speaker 1: your relationships, you recognize that you are not experiencing a
Speaker 1: healthy sense of self worth because you take a back seat,
Speaker 1: you accept abuse, and you put others' needs or wants
Speaker 1: or desires first. Is that accurate?
Speaker 5: Exaccurate?
Speaker 1: Okay? Is there more?
Speaker 5: I'm sure there is, but that's the gist of it.
Speaker 1: What I want to hone in on here is how
Speaker 1: we are defining self worth today, Okay, because that'll give
Speaker 1: you a starting point to start making some adjustment self
Speaker 1: worth as we're defining it here today, is what you request,
Speaker 1: what you require, and what you expect for yourself from others.
Speaker 5: Well, the first thing I immediately require is honesty, but
Speaker 5: I probably put it in to words that would scare
Speaker 5: people off, like I would say, like, if you lie
Speaker 5: to me, that's something that I'm not going to be
Speaker 5: able to forgive because I've been in those situations before.
Speaker 5: But then when I catch a lie, then I like,
Speaker 5: excuse it. So uh huh that to them, They're like, Okay,
Speaker 5: she wasn't really serious.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So what you expect of yourself is that when
Speaker 1: you ask for something and don't get it, you make
Speaker 1: an excuse that diminishes your self worth. Don't have nothing
Speaker 1: to do with the person lying. It has to do
Speaker 1: when you request or require something for yourself, you make
Speaker 1: an excuse for why you're not getting it, and usually
Speaker 1: the excuse excuses the other person and you do without
Speaker 1: you take a back seat. Does that make sense? Yes,
Speaker 1: So while you do that, I.
Speaker 5: Still when I'm talking to myself when it happens, I
Speaker 5: try to like be compassionate and offer some grace and
Speaker 5: you know, say, Okay, they're just humans, so everybody's allowed
Speaker 5: to make mistakes. But then when I don't understand why,
Speaker 5: I let the mistake repeat it because then it's not
Speaker 5: a mistake, it's a choice, and it gets bad to
Speaker 5: the point where it's just like, Okay, then I cut
Speaker 5: it off. I cut it off. And now where I'm
Speaker 5: at now because I've cut off three in the past
Speaker 5: six years or so, I'm not willing to state anybody else.
Speaker 1: Okay, So let's jump ahead in this definition to this
Speaker 1: part how you see and hold yourself within yourself because
Speaker 1: your worth grows from within. So let's talk about how
Speaker 1: you see and hold yourself. Okay. Yes, So if I
Speaker 1: say to you, I am how would you complete that sentence?
Speaker 5: I am strong?
Speaker 1: I am strong. Go ahead, I am.
Speaker 5: I am resilient. I am strong, I am.
Speaker 1: Honest, rapid fire, let's do it.
Speaker 5: I am human. I am a woman. I am faithful.
Speaker 5: I am a child of the most High. I am beautiful.
Speaker 5: I am deserving of love in all forms. I am worthy.
Speaker 5: I'm stuck.
Speaker 1: So based on what you've said to me, I'm not
Speaker 1: making this up. I am strong enough to take a
Speaker 1: back seat. I am resilient enough to accept abuse. I
Speaker 1: am honest enough to put my needs second. I am
Speaker 1: a mother who takes a back seat. I'm a human
Speaker 1: who accepts abuse. I am a woman. This is what
Speaker 1: you're saying to me, which says to me that these
Speaker 1: i ams that you are either you don't believe them
Speaker 1: or they've been spiritually polluted with what you expect for yourself.
Speaker 1: You expect to take a back seat, you expect to
Speaker 1: be abused, you expect to be the second thought. You
Speaker 1: make excuses for people being dishonest. Yeah, because I'm strong,
Speaker 1: I can take it. Do you see how you have
Speaker 1: these things distorted it? Yes? Yeah, And those are the
Speaker 1: things that affect your worth. How you see and hold
Speaker 1: yourself within yourself. So while you see yourself as strong,
Speaker 1: you expect to take a back seat. While you see
Speaker 1: yourself as honest, you expect that people will lie. So
Speaker 1: that's what's destroying your dating life. Yeah. So if you
Speaker 1: want honest, you got to be honest. If you want strength,
Speaker 1: you got to be strength. And you've got to start
Speaker 1: defining the boundaries and the parameters of those things so
Speaker 1: that you can attract things that are vibrating at the
Speaker 1: same rate. Okay, now you don't have one freaking clue
Speaker 1: about how to do that, do you. No, That's why
Speaker 1: I called starts with forgiveness. That story you told about
Speaker 1: your mother, and it's not so much about forgiving her
Speaker 1: as it is about forgiving yourself, but what you told
Speaker 1: yourself about yourself in response to what you experienced with her.
Speaker 1: So let's say, for example, I heard you say you
Speaker 1: were expected to take care of others because of your
Speaker 1: mom's lifestyle. Let's say, is that accurate? So somewhere inside
Speaker 1: you may be holding the belief I am not important. Yes,
Speaker 1: what I need is not as important as what somebody
Speaker 1: else needs. Yes, I heard you say that you talk
Speaker 1: to your mother about what you experience and she diminishes
Speaker 1: it or denies it. Yeah, so you may have a
Speaker 1: secret belief or expectation in there that I am not heard,
Speaker 1: I am not seen. Here's a big one clutch of pearls.
Speaker 1: I don't matter. Come on a breath. You can do this.
Speaker 1: Tell me what you're thinking, tell me what you're hearing.
Speaker 3: It's a perfect that I can't seem to come to
Speaker 3: terms with these feelings, and you know how they came
Speaker 3: to be at my age, Like, I want, you know,
Speaker 3: to experience life differently, and I don't want to live
Speaker 3: the rest of my life holding on to hurt and
Speaker 3: the feelings that you know, my needs aren't important or
Speaker 3: I'm not important, because even though that I have kids
Speaker 3: with my mother, it still feels that way, and I
Speaker 3: feel like it trickles down to my kids, but what
Speaker 3: they feel isn't important or they're not allowed to, you know,
Speaker 3: express themselves with her. So I'm trying to figure out
Speaker 3: how I can not be that way to them.
Speaker 1: We'll talk more about it when we come back. Welcome
Speaker 1: back to the hour spot. Let's get back to the conversation.
Speaker 1: Let's start here. Okay, I want you to say this.
Speaker 1: I'm hurt, I'm hurt. Yeah, say it. Again, I'm hurt. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I am entitled to be hurt.
Speaker 5: I am entitled to be hurt.
Speaker 1: Yes. See, one of the things that diminishes our worth
Speaker 1: is when we don't think we're entitled to our pain,
Speaker 1: when we don't think we have a right to our pain,
Speaker 1: So we don't witness, and we stuff it and we
Speaker 1: suppress it and we hold it down, and then that
Speaker 1: pain just spreads out and it vibrates in our being
Speaker 1: and it will continue to attract things and people that
Speaker 1: hurt us. Does that sound familiar? Yes? Yeah, So, beloved,
Speaker 1: you are entitled to your sadness, to your hurt, to
Speaker 1: your outrage. How about that? I am outraged that my
Speaker 1: mother put a man before me. How about that? Yes,
Speaker 1: you're entitled to that. And until you witness your pain,
Speaker 1: and until you give yourself permission to have it, to
Speaker 1: experience it, to acknowledge it at that depth, you will
Speaker 1: end up repeating the very same things she did. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So let's go back. Let's do a little cleanup with
Speaker 1: the intention to honor your pain. Let's start with I
Speaker 1: am hurt. What's next?
Speaker 5: I am I am hurt.
Speaker 3: I am entitled.
Speaker 1: To my pain? Yeah? And what else?
Speaker 5: I am I'm just hurt.
Speaker 1: I don't know what angry? How about that I'm angry?
Speaker 1: How about I am outraged?
Speaker 5: I am outraged?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I am disgusted.
Speaker 5: I am disgusted.
Speaker 1: Now you see it's coming up right. What else I
Speaker 1: am what?
Speaker 5: I am frustrated?
Speaker 1: Yes, come on now, now we're talking, let's go.
Speaker 5: I am tired of it.
Speaker 1: Yes, how about I'm disappointed.
Speaker 5: Most of all. I am disappointed.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And I'm sad, Yes, I'm sad. Yeah. Now you see,
Speaker 1: let me just point this out to you that I
Speaker 1: am strong, I am resilient, I am honest, I am mother,
Speaker 1: I am you. But Papa, that didn't have no emotion
Speaker 1: attached to it, but hurt and angry, outrage, disgusted, and frustrated, said,
Speaker 1: and disappointed. That's where the feeling is. And that's what
Speaker 1: you have to forgive, not forgive yourself for feeling that way,
Speaker 1: not at all. In fact, you can't even start there.
Speaker 1: I forgive my mother for the things she did that
Speaker 1: hurt me. I forgive my mother for the things she
Speaker 1: did that made me think I'm not entitled to my pain.
Speaker 1: I forgive my mother for the things she did that
Speaker 1: made me angry. I forgive my mother for the things
Speaker 1: she did that disgusted me, that disappointed me. I'm forgive myself,
Speaker 1: you know, for whatever it is. That's step one. Step
Speaker 1: two is I forgive myself for believing was not entitled
Speaker 1: to be hurt. I forgive my mind for thinking I
Speaker 1: should not be hurt. I forgive myself for believing I
Speaker 1: wasn't entitled to be angry. Yes, you gotta witness your pain,
Speaker 1: and that's what keeps attracting what you call the repeated
Speaker 1: cycle in your relationships. You are worthy of having your
Speaker 1: own feelings, and your feelings are worthy of being honored, acknowledged,
Speaker 1: and validated. So I've got an assignment for you, Okay,
Speaker 1: I want you to go get my book on forgiveness,
Speaker 1: Forgive Everybody for Everything, Forty Days to Forgive Everybody for Everything.
Speaker 1: And it's a book of pages of the journal. All
Speaker 1: you have to do is fill in the blanks, okay,
Speaker 1: and do that work. You're going to forgive your thoughts.
Speaker 1: You're going to forgive your beliefs. You're going to forget
Speaker 1: your behaviors that you had in response to your thoughts
Speaker 1: and belief and then you're going to forgive people and
Speaker 1: in the process, Beloved, you're going to forgive God for
Speaker 1: sticking you in this situation.
Speaker 3: Yeah sounds good.
Speaker 1: Yeah, tell me what you know now that you didn't
Speaker 1: know when you call.
Speaker 5: I didn't know how hurt I was. I didn't know
Speaker 5: how you know, upsetting this was. I mean, I know
Speaker 5: that maybe because I put the mask on that I
Speaker 5: was fine, but I didn't know that I was going
Speaker 5: to have this reaction. So it lets me know that
Speaker 5: it's still things that I need to work on. And
Speaker 5: definitely forgiveness.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you get that book and a companion to that.
Speaker 1: If you want to get two books, you get forgiveness,
Speaker 1: and then you get until today, until today, Okay, because
Speaker 1: what I'm hearing is you're living in the past right now.
Speaker 1: Your feelings are stuck in the past with the stuff
Speaker 1: that you haven't acknowledged. You don't have to buy a
Speaker 1: condo in Painville, but you do have to acknowledge that
Speaker 1: that stuff exists. And the fact that it's attached to
Speaker 1: your mother is okay. She's not a sacred cow. She's
Speaker 1: just another human being whose behavior impacted you in a
Speaker 1: negative way, and it's okay for you to acknowledge that. Okay,
Speaker 1: tell me one thing you're going to do different when
Speaker 1: you get off this call.
Speaker 5: The first thing that I'm going to do is purchase
Speaker 5: the books.
Speaker 1: Well, before you do that, I want you to go
Speaker 1: somewhere and get the rest of that cry out because
Speaker 1: what we did was unearthed. I don't want you to
Speaker 1: stuff it. Okay, And then when you get the books
Speaker 1: due to work. Yes, you are worthy, and I thank
Speaker 1: you for trusting me with your story today.
Speaker 5: Thank you so much.
Speaker 1: That says to me that you're ready to do this differently. Now,
Speaker 1: go on to the bathroom, get you some tissues, get
Speaker 1: the rest of that cry out. Okay, okay, okay, bye bye.
Speaker 1: Your worth hinges upon your willingness to honor what you feel,
Speaker 1: regardless of what anybody else thinks or what it's attached to.
Speaker 1: You are worthy of your feelings, and your feelings are
Speaker 1: worthy to be acknowledged and recognized. And what I expect
Speaker 1: of myself and for myself and what I expect from
Speaker 1: others and calling it in and learning how to vibrate
Speaker 1: at the frequency that will attract it to me, you're worthy.
Speaker 1: I hope that you know something now that you didn't
Speaker 1: know when you tuned in and until we meet again,
Speaker 1: Stay in peace and not pieces favorite. The R Spot
Speaker 1: is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.