1 00:00:02,440 --> 00:00:05,720 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship, 2 00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:08,639 Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:13,080 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:17,799 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:32,360 Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio, 6 00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:40,400 Speaker 1: Grind Rising and Welcome to the Our Spot. Today's topic 7 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:46,200 Speaker 1: is so important, self worth and how it impacts and 8 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:51,120 Speaker 1: is impacted by what we believe we deserve. I am 9 00:00:51,159 --> 00:00:55,520 Speaker 1: a Yamla, your host here to support you in creating 10 00:00:55,600 --> 00:01:03,840 Speaker 1: or recreating, building or rebuilding, growing, healing, banding, mutually, respectful, fulfilling, 11 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:09,600 Speaker 1: loving relationships in every area of your life, with your family, 12 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:13,680 Speaker 1: in your professional and social life, in your bedroom, and 13 00:01:13,959 --> 00:01:16,920 Speaker 1: in the kitchen, because what you do in those two 14 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:21,640 Speaker 1: rooms often determines how you feel in every other area 15 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: of your life. Relationships, they are desired the most, and 16 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,679 Speaker 1: they can be the very thing that drives most of 17 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:35,319 Speaker 1: us crazy. And that's because we often fear asking for 18 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,920 Speaker 1: what we want, or we settle for less than we want, 19 00:01:39,319 --> 00:01:43,200 Speaker 1: or we accept what shows up, hoping, wishing and trying 20 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:47,200 Speaker 1: to make it something else. And no matter who you are, 21 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:52,400 Speaker 1: all of our relationships are going to reflect back to 22 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:57,320 Speaker 1: us the truth, often the secret or silent truth of 23 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:02,040 Speaker 1: what we believe we can have and what we believe 24 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:05,880 Speaker 1: we deserve. Even when we think we want more or 25 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:10,040 Speaker 1: deserve more, for some reason, we will hold on to 26 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:16,200 Speaker 1: or try to fix those relationships that are not fulfilling 27 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:19,200 Speaker 1: our needs. It's just a human thing. I don't know 28 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:27,440 Speaker 1: you know. Greetings beloved, and welcome to the our spot. 29 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:31,359 Speaker 1: We are talking about self worth today. What is it? 30 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:34,240 Speaker 1: Do you have it? Where'd you get it? And if not, 31 00:02:34,639 --> 00:02:37,880 Speaker 1: why not? What do you have that we can nibble 32 00:02:37,919 --> 00:02:38,960 Speaker 1: on together today? 33 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:44,360 Speaker 2: I have been wrestling with my own self worth in 34 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:49,440 Speaker 2: relation to my relationship with my father as a gay man. 35 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:55,720 Speaker 2: My father does not approve of me, and it has 36 00:02:55,840 --> 00:03:00,560 Speaker 2: really become a major issue in my life to where 37 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:07,880 Speaker 2: I find myself. I find myself performing to try to 38 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:14,520 Speaker 2: seek love and attention and two degrees and a certification later, 39 00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:18,480 Speaker 2: and I still don't have his approval or acceptance. And 40 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:23,720 Speaker 2: it's a really long, drawn out, dramatic story. But ultimately 41 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:27,280 Speaker 2: he did apologize to me a couple of years ago, 42 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:31,480 Speaker 2: and I was living in Atlanta at the time, and 43 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:35,320 Speaker 2: so I ended up moving back home to Phoenix to 44 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:39,520 Speaker 2: try to rekindle our relationship and my wordship with my 45 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:43,119 Speaker 2: siblings because he essentially cut off that relationship with him 46 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,640 Speaker 2: there and I'm the oldest child and so all of 47 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,920 Speaker 2: my siblings are kind of like my children, and he, 48 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:51,600 Speaker 2: because I've read, helped raise them. And so I was like, 49 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,680 Speaker 2: this is the perfect opportunity is for us to rebuild, 50 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:59,600 Speaker 2: and ultimately thinks have just gotten worse. He hasn't really 51 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:02,240 Speaker 2: shown up for me the way he said that he 52 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:04,680 Speaker 2: was going to. He's like, I'm want to start reaching 53 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 2: out more and all of that, and ultimately he's like 54 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,680 Speaker 2: stunted with guilt and he sees the fruit of what 55 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:14,600 Speaker 2: he's sown between the relationship between me and him and 56 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:17,800 Speaker 2: my siblings, and it's just become a mess. 57 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,400 Speaker 1: Can I ask you a question? First of all, thank 58 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:27,599 Speaker 1: you for sharing your experience so authentically. I really feel 59 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,640 Speaker 1: your heart and your sharing. But tell me what does 60 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:36,320 Speaker 1: this mean? He does not approve of me. 61 00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:41,480 Speaker 2: So my background, my mother is Christian and my dad 62 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:45,360 Speaker 2: is a Muslim specifically Nation of Islam, and so very 63 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:52,040 Speaker 2: strict religious beliefs when it comes to homosexuality, and he 64 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:55,279 Speaker 2: doesn't know how to compartmental lie that part of me, 65 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:58,440 Speaker 2: you know, hate the sin, love, the ciner type of thing. 66 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:02,440 Speaker 2: But he just sees me as gay. Like when I 67 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,680 Speaker 2: walk in the room. We had a conversation and I 68 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,400 Speaker 2: was like, you know, I could be so much worse. 69 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,479 Speaker 2: I could be a drug dealer, I could be, you know, 70 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,480 Speaker 2: a murderer or whatever, and I feel like you would 71 00:05:11,839 --> 00:05:15,000 Speaker 2: love me and accept me more then, And he was 72 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,480 Speaker 2: just like, yeah, I don't know why it is, but 73 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:19,760 Speaker 2: it just as soon as you walk in the room, 74 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:23,160 Speaker 2: that's the first thing I recognize about you. And I 75 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:26,120 Speaker 2: just can't get over that. That's what I mean. 76 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:31,839 Speaker 1: So are you saying that his opinion about you is 77 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:34,240 Speaker 1: stronger than your opinion about yourself? 78 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:39,640 Speaker 2: It has been in the past. I'm working out of that, 79 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,360 Speaker 2: but you know, I just I would love to have 80 00:05:42,839 --> 00:05:47,279 Speaker 2: his approval, and not only just his approval, his wisdom 81 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:50,599 Speaker 2: that he has and like guiding me and I kind 82 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,479 Speaker 2: of avoided a lot of things that I've gone through 83 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:56,200 Speaker 2: and put myself in my life. I feel if I 84 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,640 Speaker 2: had a relationship with my father. 85 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:04,719 Speaker 1: Okay, I want to share with you my definition or 86 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:08,679 Speaker 1: the definition that we're working with today as it relates 87 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:11,800 Speaker 1: to self worth, okay, okay, and then we're gonna break 88 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,520 Speaker 1: that down and we're gonna fill it in for you. 89 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:22,320 Speaker 1: Self worth is what you request, what you require, and 90 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:29,760 Speaker 1: what you expect for yourself and from others as a 91 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:36,120 Speaker 1: function or reflection of how you see and hold yourself 92 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:43,400 Speaker 1: within yourself. So what are you requesting as it relates 93 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:48,560 Speaker 1: to your father, What are you requesting for yourself? 94 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:53,960 Speaker 2: I'm requesting that I find the things that I'm looking 95 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:57,440 Speaker 2: for from my father within myself. I no longer need 96 00:06:57,480 --> 00:07:01,960 Speaker 2: to seek or want his validation or really to have 97 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:05,440 Speaker 2: him in my life in that way, because I've tried 98 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:07,920 Speaker 2: to distance myself from and I try to set boundaries, 99 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,920 Speaker 2: and I still have dreams about him, and I just 100 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:15,680 Speaker 2: I want to remove that desire and also find the 101 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:17,600 Speaker 2: things that I'm looking for in myself. 102 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,960 Speaker 1: Okay, So let me fast track you here, because for me, 103 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:27,080 Speaker 1: what you would be requesting of your father is at 104 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:31,040 Speaker 1: the grandest level, acceptance of who you are, and that 105 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:35,280 Speaker 1: the smaller level, just respect for how you self identify. 106 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:40,360 Speaker 1: Let me go here, how you see and hold yourself 107 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:47,240 Speaker 1: within yourself that determines what you expect from others. Because see, 108 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:52,040 Speaker 1: in life, just as a function of cause and effect. 109 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:55,480 Speaker 1: You don't get what you ask for. You don't get 110 00:07:55,520 --> 00:08:00,520 Speaker 1: what you want, you get what you expect. So what 111 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:03,760 Speaker 1: I see, according to the law, and I'm willing to 112 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:09,800 Speaker 1: be wrong, Okay, what I see is that you expect 113 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,920 Speaker 1: people to judge you, criticize, you, demean you, denounce you, 114 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,120 Speaker 1: diminish you because you're gay. 115 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:19,520 Speaker 2: Yes, and. 116 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,200 Speaker 1: Right there, right there, hold it, right there, take a 117 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:29,440 Speaker 1: breath that you expect. And maybe from when you were 118 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,200 Speaker 1: younger and you realize you were gay and it wasn't 119 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 1: accepted and people called your names, maybe it's that what 120 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:40,840 Speaker 1: you experienced early in life as it relates to how 121 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:45,280 Speaker 1: you self identify as a gay man. You expect people 122 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:53,640 Speaker 1: to criticize, judge, demean, diminish, denounce you. Yeah, so your 123 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:59,360 Speaker 1: father is simply reflecting back to you a part of yourself, 124 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:02,199 Speaker 1: even if it's it's a tiny small part of yourself 125 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:07,240 Speaker 1: that still expects that. But here's the singer that you're 126 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:11,600 Speaker 1: ready for. The singer. This is a pearl for clutching, 127 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:14,440 Speaker 1: not clutch a pearl, but this is a pearl you 128 00:09:14,559 --> 00:09:19,800 Speaker 1: have that you need to clutch. Okay, in life in general, 129 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:24,599 Speaker 1: not for you, not for me. For everybody. The universe, 130 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:30,400 Speaker 1: the energy that we live in does not register adjectives 131 00:09:31,559 --> 00:09:36,360 Speaker 1: or adverbs, doesn't register that. So, for example, when you 132 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:40,960 Speaker 1: say my foot hurts, the universe doesn't register the my 133 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:47,480 Speaker 1: It just registers foohurts. When you say my father, the 134 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:53,319 Speaker 1: universe doesn't register my It only registers father. Do you 135 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:59,280 Speaker 1: understand that, yes, ma'am. So when you say I expect 136 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:06,800 Speaker 1: my my father to judge, criticize, diminish, reject, blah blah 137 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:11,840 Speaker 1: blah me, what you're really saying is I expect father 138 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:17,360 Speaker 1: to judge, criticize, condemn me, which means you expect God, 139 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:24,360 Speaker 1: source creator, the judge, condemned, criticize, diminished, demean you because 140 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:32,400 Speaker 1: you're gay. Take a breath, Clutch that pearl. Tell me 141 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:33,880 Speaker 1: what you heard me say. 142 00:10:35,679 --> 00:10:41,760 Speaker 2: That when I have an expectation that my father will 143 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:46,120 Speaker 2: judge me, or abandon me or anything negative in that way, 144 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:53,120 Speaker 2: I am ultimately saying that God, or really anyone in 145 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,360 Speaker 2: my life, I'm kind of bringing that on the energy 146 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:58,960 Speaker 2: onto myself when I put those things out in me, 147 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,600 Speaker 2: the universe, and I hope old beliefs well. 148 00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:05,000 Speaker 1: I don't want you to beat yourself up, not that 149 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:09,000 Speaker 1: you're bringing it on to yourself, but that that secret, 150 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:15,360 Speaker 1: silent belief. I heard you say my mother is a Christian. 151 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:19,480 Speaker 1: We know Christians denounce gain. I heard you say my 152 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:24,120 Speaker 1: father is a Muslim. We know that the Islamic faith 153 00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:30,720 Speaker 1: doesn't embrace the concept of gayness. So your whole concept, 154 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,920 Speaker 1: your mother which is your heart, and your father, which 155 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:37,320 Speaker 1: is your mind, both of them denounce who you are. 156 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,560 Speaker 1: And I don't know this to be true. I'm offering 157 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:47,360 Speaker 1: it for you to consider your self worth is tied 158 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:50,640 Speaker 1: to the fact that somewhere within you there may be 159 00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:55,600 Speaker 1: a belief that God doesn't accept who you are. Have 160 00:11:55,679 --> 00:11:56,720 Speaker 1: you ever considered that? 161 00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:01,880 Speaker 2: Yes, because of being diation that I have been through 162 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:02,679 Speaker 2: growing up. 163 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:08,600 Speaker 1: Yeah. Absolutely. So what's showing up with your father is 164 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:13,120 Speaker 1: your expectation that who you are as you are, how 165 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:17,000 Speaker 1: you identify as a gay man is wrong. It's bad, 166 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:23,160 Speaker 1: it's sinful, and you probably is going to hell. You 167 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:27,840 Speaker 1: got your hel shoes, I know you got your hel shoes. 168 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:33,000 Speaker 2: Yes, there is a part of me and I've been 169 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:36,800 Speaker 2: working through that. I'm a praise leader at two churches, 170 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:41,000 Speaker 2: even like really identifying my faith. You know, they forced 171 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,440 Speaker 2: me to try to pick one or the other. And 172 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:46,040 Speaker 2: I'm just like, I don't consider myself religious. I worship God, 173 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:47,319 Speaker 2: you know, And. 174 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:49,000 Speaker 1: Does God love you gay? Man? 175 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:50,560 Speaker 2: I believe that he does. 176 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,360 Speaker 1: Yes, does he accept you? 177 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:56,280 Speaker 2: That part I'm struggling with. 178 00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:01,480 Speaker 1: And so yeah, there it is. How can your father 179 00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:05,600 Speaker 1: on earth accept you when you're not clear that your father, 180 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:10,480 Speaker 1: your creator, your source accepts you. So what you're seeing 181 00:13:10,559 --> 00:13:14,480 Speaker 1: in your dad, your physical Dad, is simply a function 182 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:18,440 Speaker 1: of the secret, silent thought that you're holding. And you 183 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:22,000 Speaker 1: go to church and do a faith leading, where's your faith? 184 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:22,880 Speaker 2: Right? 185 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:25,680 Speaker 1: Let me ask you a question. Is your God stupid? 186 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,520 Speaker 1: Myn n ain't stupid? But is your stupid? No? So 187 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:33,920 Speaker 1: does he not know that you gay? And if you 188 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:39,160 Speaker 1: come come out of the strict Christian dogma and theology, 189 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:41,840 Speaker 1: could he not pluck its out thy high? 190 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:42,439 Speaker 3: He did not? 191 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,079 Speaker 1: Could he not twist it off thy penis if he 192 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:56,679 Speaker 1: wanted to? Okay? So, what you see, what you request, 193 00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:02,160 Speaker 1: require and expect of yourself for yourself from others is 194 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,240 Speaker 1: a function of how you see and know yourself within yourself. 195 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:10,360 Speaker 1: Forget your father, He's just something going on inside of you. 196 00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:17,520 Speaker 1: Reflecting back your work, beloved is about seeing and holding 197 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:23,680 Speaker 1: yourself as acceptable to God, just as you are you 198 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:30,360 Speaker 1: and that's all inner work. That's not out of work. God. 199 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:33,600 Speaker 1: Let me know you accept me. Let me know I 200 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:37,960 Speaker 1: am acceptable in thy sight beyond the fact that I 201 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:42,160 Speaker 1: identify as a gay man. Let me know that I'm acceptable, 202 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,440 Speaker 1: Show me, teach me, let me feel it. I'm gonna 203 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:51,200 Speaker 1: trust you God, grow self acceptance within me because yourself 204 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:54,560 Speaker 1: is your I am and I am as God's name. 205 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:59,480 Speaker 1: That's your work. Forget about your father, forget about your siblings. 206 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:03,080 Speaker 1: Until you grow that, You're going to continue to get 207 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:09,280 Speaker 1: what you expect, which is to be criticized, judge, rejected, abandoned, diminished, 208 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:16,240 Speaker 1: denied as a gay man. Yeah, so part of it 209 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:22,520 Speaker 1: is going back to when you first realized and revealed 210 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:27,800 Speaker 1: that you were gay and doing forgiveness work. Forgiving yourself 211 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:33,720 Speaker 1: for being ashamed, afraid, whatever, forgiving other people for the 212 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:37,600 Speaker 1: way that they treated you, forgiving your dad for the 213 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:41,760 Speaker 1: day he told you I don't approve of you. Forgiveness. 214 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:46,040 Speaker 2: That's the hard part for me, is the forgiveness work. 215 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:50,360 Speaker 2: And I feel like I keep exposing myself to the 216 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:55,000 Speaker 2: same trauma. For example, my oldest brother, I'm the oldest 217 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:58,240 Speaker 2: saving I'm my oldest brother. Were all you always used 218 00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:00,960 Speaker 2: to get along, and then this period of separate happened, 219 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:05,480 Speaker 2: and then he comes back into my life and now 220 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:08,120 Speaker 2: he holds the same beliefs as my father. And I 221 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:11,640 Speaker 2: have two other siblings in that household that I can't 222 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,800 Speaker 2: be exposed to in the way that I would like. 223 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,480 Speaker 2: And so while I want to engage with my siblings 224 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:20,680 Speaker 2: and build that relationship and that rapport, it feels like 225 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,680 Speaker 2: I'm exposing myself to be re traumatized over and over 226 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:27,000 Speaker 2: again by people that I love. And so it's like 227 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:30,760 Speaker 2: a constant forgiveness. And I don't want to have to 228 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,400 Speaker 2: be hurt and then forgive, be hurt, and then forgive, 229 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:35,840 Speaker 2: be hurt and then forgive. I want to do the 230 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,160 Speaker 2: forgiveness and be done with the forgiveness and still be 231 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,240 Speaker 2: a part of my siblings' wives. But it's feeling like 232 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,680 Speaker 2: I'm going to have to choose one or the other. 233 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,480 Speaker 2: And that's the hard part for me. 234 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:49,640 Speaker 1: Well, who would you choose? Let me just ask that. 235 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:52,480 Speaker 2: I have to choose myself. 236 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:57,120 Speaker 1: Well, no, you don't have to, but you can, And 237 00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,920 Speaker 1: the question becomes if you're willing. But the thing that 238 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:04,040 Speaker 1: I want you to get is that their behavior is 239 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:08,480 Speaker 1: a function of your secret belief that you're not acceptable 240 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:13,960 Speaker 1: to God. You got to begin within, yes, and before 241 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,840 Speaker 1: you can forgive them. When and where and how have 242 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:25,080 Speaker 1: you rejected yourself? Have you abandoned yourself? Have you judged yourself? 243 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:29,200 Speaker 1: And maybe it's not yourself, maybe it's things that you did. 244 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,960 Speaker 1: I can't come out as gay, so I got to 245 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:35,400 Speaker 1: sneak around and do you know all manner of devy 246 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,679 Speaker 1: and behavior or whatever? I don't know. You have to 247 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:42,840 Speaker 1: do that work. Forgive your thoughts about yourself. Forgive the 248 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:46,520 Speaker 1: things that you've done or the things you haven't done. 249 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:50,119 Speaker 1: Let's forgive the times that you didn't step up to 250 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,600 Speaker 1: get what you wanted or ask for what you wanted 251 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,400 Speaker 1: because you thought you'd be rejected because you were gay. 252 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:56,200 Speaker 1: How about that? 253 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:57,760 Speaker 2: Yeah? 254 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:01,199 Speaker 1: And it may mean that for a time you have 255 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,600 Speaker 1: to step away from your family because if they are 256 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:08,640 Speaker 1: spiritually polluting your mind and your heart, how come you're 257 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:11,399 Speaker 1: the only one doing work here? How come they're not 258 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:14,280 Speaker 1: doing work to try to get to the place where 259 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:17,679 Speaker 1: you are their brother and their son? Why you the 260 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:22,080 Speaker 1: only one doing the work? You're just supposed to bow 261 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,959 Speaker 1: down and kneel down to what they think and believe 262 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:30,360 Speaker 1: you don't deserve their consideration. Do you get that? That's 263 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:34,479 Speaker 1: another way you diminish yourself by making their opinion and 264 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:39,639 Speaker 1: their demands and their requirements more important than your own. Yes, 265 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:51,160 Speaker 1: we'll talk about that when we come back. Welcome back 266 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,760 Speaker 1: to the r spot. Let's pick up where we left off. 267 00:18:55,480 --> 00:19:00,399 Speaker 2: I've been taught and raising like family is you know, 268 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,679 Speaker 2: blood is sticking in water. You know that? Saying so 269 00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,760 Speaker 2: somewhere in me, I believe like, if my family doesn't 270 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:09,040 Speaker 2: love me and accept me, then how would anyone else? 271 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:16,280 Speaker 1: Well? Remember, remember the universe doesn't acknowledge adjectives and adverbs. 272 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:20,400 Speaker 1: So when you say my family doesn't accept me, you're 273 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:25,040 Speaker 1: saying family, the human family, the world. And you know 274 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:30,359 Speaker 1: that's not true. The world does accept you, and aren't 275 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:34,120 Speaker 1: you their family? Do they see you as family? Right? 276 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,080 Speaker 2: That is a good question. 277 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:40,440 Speaker 1: Here's a sticky part, particularly when it comes to religious 278 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:45,360 Speaker 1: dogma and theology. When somebody says they're gay, or they're 279 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:48,440 Speaker 1: lets being, or they're queer, or you know, whatever way 280 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,959 Speaker 1: they self identify, the only thing people get stuck on 281 00:19:52,119 --> 00:19:55,680 Speaker 1: is the sex right. They only think that being gay 282 00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,919 Speaker 1: means that that you just jump around having sex in 283 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:05,080 Speaker 1: the supermarket and the walmartint you breathe, you bleed, you poop, 284 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:09,280 Speaker 1: your fart, and you're human. How come people only focus 285 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,560 Speaker 1: on the sex part When people look at me and 286 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,040 Speaker 1: my old self, They ain't walking around thinking well what 287 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,280 Speaker 1: she doing in the bed? Why did they do that? 288 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:22,600 Speaker 1: To gay people? That's crazy as hell. Ain't nobody looking 289 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,120 Speaker 1: at me wondering what I do? 290 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,600 Speaker 2: Right? And it goes back to what I was saying, 291 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,119 Speaker 2: how my dad said, well that's all I see, you know, 292 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,879 Speaker 2: And I'm just like, well, what about everything else? You know? 293 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,240 Speaker 2: And so right right? 294 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:38,080 Speaker 1: What about your degrees? What about your Christmas presents that 295 00:20:38,119 --> 00:20:41,760 Speaker 1: you give? Yeah, here's a question, and this is a 296 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:45,359 Speaker 1: hard question and you don't have to answer it, but 297 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,359 Speaker 1: this is where I think you got to do your work. 298 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:51,320 Speaker 1: Are you willing to let them go so that you 299 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:56,800 Speaker 1: can heal what they represent? Yeah, you don't have to 300 00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,000 Speaker 1: answer right now, but that's the question on the table. 301 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:03,440 Speaker 1: Well that's the pearl you gotta clutch. Am I willing 302 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:08,960 Speaker 1: to let them go until I heal the part of 303 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:13,600 Speaker 1: me that allows me to accept how they treat me? 304 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:18,119 Speaker 1: Because how they treat you is what's diminishing your self 305 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:22,199 Speaker 1: worth may not be forever, and it may be. 306 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:25,879 Speaker 2: And that's where I'm at my dad. I'm willing to 307 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,959 Speaker 2: let go of that forever. But I don't want to 308 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,200 Speaker 2: represent what my dad did to me. And it's not 309 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:34,760 Speaker 2: just the gay andess. My dad is just a judgmental person. 310 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:39,200 Speaker 2: So he's had issues with all of his oldest children. 311 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:43,159 Speaker 2: So I want to step in and I would like 312 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:44,840 Speaker 2: to be a beacon of light for them, and I 313 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:50,200 Speaker 2: don't want to represent abandonment and walking away to my siblings. 314 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,760 Speaker 1: But that's not no, no, no, no, I'm going to 315 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:57,080 Speaker 1: denounce that. I'm going to denounce it, as your mother 316 00:21:57,119 --> 00:22:02,600 Speaker 1: would say, in the name of Jesus. Okay, you're not 317 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:07,000 Speaker 1: abandoning them, You're taking care of yourself. How about that? 318 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:11,159 Speaker 1: Would you continually stick your toe in a vat of 319 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:13,280 Speaker 1: hot grease? Would you do that? 320 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:14,880 Speaker 2: No? 321 00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:17,639 Speaker 1: Well, then they are a vat of hot grease. Stop 322 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:21,680 Speaker 1: sticking your toe in there. Yeah, you in church, you're 323 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:25,040 Speaker 1: faith leader. So I'm gonna take you right here. Come 324 00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:27,360 Speaker 1: with me, get your pearl, Clutch your pearl, and come 325 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:27,720 Speaker 1: with me. 326 00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:28,679 Speaker 2: Okay. 327 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:35,520 Speaker 1: Psalm twenty seven. When my father and my mother forsake me, 328 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:39,680 Speaker 1: then the Lord will pick me up. Stay right there, 329 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:41,280 Speaker 1: don't go nowhere but there. 330 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:42,119 Speaker 2: Yep. 331 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,960 Speaker 1: If they have forsaken you, stop looking left and right, 332 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:47,480 Speaker 1: look up. 333 00:22:48,119 --> 00:22:51,320 Speaker 2: And God has kept me. And I see it because 334 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,440 Speaker 2: I could have turned out to be something much worse. 335 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,400 Speaker 2: And when I look around and I look at my community, 336 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,640 Speaker 2: when I see how everyone is all kind of face 337 00:23:00,119 --> 00:23:03,639 Speaker 2: same issue, and so I'm turning of drugs and alcohol 338 00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:06,840 Speaker 2: and facts and everything else, and like I'm looking where 339 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:09,399 Speaker 2: my life is and I'm like, I'm grateful that I 340 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:12,240 Speaker 2: didn't at least go that far. And so I know 341 00:23:12,359 --> 00:23:15,320 Speaker 2: that God is keeping me in and I trust me out. 342 00:23:15,359 --> 00:23:19,399 Speaker 2: I'm happy conversations with myself about do I need to 343 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,080 Speaker 2: just walk away? And I am praying and I'm still 344 00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:26,000 Speaker 2: wrestling with that. And I want to believe that one day, 345 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:29,479 Speaker 2: once they're out of his house, that my siblings will 346 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:31,720 Speaker 2: be exposed to the world and come back to me 347 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:36,320 Speaker 2: and all of that. And so I'm right with you. 348 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:39,400 Speaker 2: You know you're just giving me confirmation, So I appreciate it. 349 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:47,520 Speaker 1: Listen, Denying yourself is a drug, so drug, and when 350 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:53,280 Speaker 1: you continue to put yourself in situations, well your demean diminished, denied. 351 00:23:54,359 --> 00:24:02,400 Speaker 1: You getting high on your habitual mechanisms and you insisting 352 00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,560 Speaker 1: that you have to be in their life. That's how 353 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:09,680 Speaker 1: you get high. You're looking at them as family? Are 354 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:12,320 Speaker 1: they looking at you as family? You value your connection 355 00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:16,080 Speaker 1: to them? Do they value your connection to you? Your 356 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:21,000 Speaker 1: worth is what you request, require and respect for yourself 357 00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:24,520 Speaker 1: from others. You have a right to request that they 358 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:28,000 Speaker 1: accept you. They have a right to refuse. You have 359 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:31,239 Speaker 1: a right to require people to treat you in a 360 00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:34,600 Speaker 1: certain way, and they have a right not to do it. 361 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:38,159 Speaker 1: You have a right to expect to be accepted and 362 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:41,600 Speaker 1: honored and loved and valued, and they have a right 363 00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:45,000 Speaker 1: not to do it. Then you get to choose if 364 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,800 Speaker 1: you want to stay in that environment or if you 365 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,080 Speaker 1: want to let the Lord pick you up and build 366 00:24:50,119 --> 00:24:51,200 Speaker 1: a whole nother family. 367 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:55,959 Speaker 4: I love you, I know what I require people, and 368 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,600 Speaker 4: when they show me if they are not able or 369 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:02,400 Speaker 4: unwill willing to, I still stay around. 370 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:05,960 Speaker 1: Well see when they show you that they're not able 371 00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:10,360 Speaker 1: or willing to. That is God answering your prayer. Yes, 372 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:14,600 Speaker 1: but you have to choose. Okay, this is my answer 373 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,760 Speaker 1: to my prayer. I'm either going to stay here and 374 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:19,480 Speaker 1: try to make it different, or I'm a jet up 375 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:24,280 Speaker 1: out of here. Right, So let me ask you, beloved, 376 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:27,680 Speaker 1: what are you going to do different after our conversation. 377 00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:33,359 Speaker 2: I'm willing to the same requirements that I think that 378 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:36,760 Speaker 2: I have for other people. I'm willing to challenge myself 379 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:41,000 Speaker 2: to be that for myself and to have more faith 380 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:45,880 Speaker 2: and challenge my faith in God than to stop looking 381 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:50,400 Speaker 2: outwards and holding expectations that people are going to leave 382 00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:54,520 Speaker 2: or abandon or not accept, and be okay with accepting 383 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:58,600 Speaker 2: myself and be okay with setting those boundaries so that 384 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:01,200 Speaker 2: I'm not being a drug addicts anymore. 385 00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:06,680 Speaker 1: You're not getting high. You're not getting high no more. 386 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:14,440 Speaker 1: And remember, God, in God's infinite wisdom, knew we would 387 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:21,560 Speaker 1: face those situations, circumstances, places where we would be rejected 388 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:27,040 Speaker 1: or abandoned or deny so long before any of us 389 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:31,040 Speaker 1: took on a body God provided for us. When my 390 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:36,359 Speaker 1: mother and my father forsake me, abandon me, reject me, 391 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:41,560 Speaker 1: when my heavenly mother and father do that, then the Lord, 392 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:46,360 Speaker 1: my source, my creator, will pick me up. But if 393 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:50,480 Speaker 1: you don't believe that the Lord accepts you, then you 394 00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:53,200 Speaker 1: just out here floundering in the darkness. 395 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,600 Speaker 5: That was true. 396 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:59,119 Speaker 1: It's not easy, but you know what you pray to 397 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:00,800 Speaker 1: prayer is the answer. 398 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:05,560 Speaker 2: I really appreciate it because I have been wrestling with it, 399 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:09,199 Speaker 2: I have been praying about it, and I needed the 400 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:12,960 Speaker 2: confirmation in my spirit. I already made the decision to 401 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:16,160 Speaker 2: walk away, and I felt terrible about it. But thank 402 00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:20,560 Speaker 2: you for helping me understand it. From God to you know, 403 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:22,920 Speaker 2: get through it. 404 00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:28,640 Speaker 1: Breathe, breathe, and listen. Walk Away doesn't mean detach. Walk 405 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:33,560 Speaker 1: a way may mean just removing yourself from the consistent battering. 406 00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,639 Speaker 1: You can still send a Christmas card, a Birthday card. 407 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:41,400 Speaker 1: You can still call when it feels right. You let 408 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,000 Speaker 1: them know where you are. You can still do that. 409 00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:47,920 Speaker 1: Walking away doesn't mean cutting them off. It just means 410 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:52,200 Speaker 1: taking care of yourself in the process of interacting with them. 411 00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:57,479 Speaker 1: That's how you build self worth. Yes, Nat, stay in 412 00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:02,480 Speaker 1: that song, in fact, read the whole song. Y Okay, 413 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:07,360 Speaker 1: go back to verse one. Okay, work with that. Yeah, okay, 414 00:28:07,359 --> 00:28:10,440 Speaker 1: my darling. Thank you for trusting me with your story, 415 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:13,800 Speaker 1: and I hope that you've heard something here that's gonna 416 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:16,040 Speaker 1: turn this around and build your worth. 417 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:18,800 Speaker 2: Thank you. I appreciate it, mister young, and I hope 418 00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:21,960 Speaker 2: you have a wonderful, marvelous blessed not only day life. 419 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:32,119 Speaker 1: Thank you. Wow. We have to remember that no matter 420 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:35,280 Speaker 1: what it looks like out there, and no matter who 421 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:41,600 Speaker 1: is doing it out there, your self worth grows from 422 00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:50,320 Speaker 1: the inside what you request, require and expect for yourself 423 00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:55,840 Speaker 1: from others, and if others are giving it back to you, 424 00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:58,440 Speaker 1: you've got to look at what's going on inside of 425 00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:04,200 Speaker 1: me that makes this okay, big, big, big lesson for 426 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:07,280 Speaker 1: all of us, all of us just like me. I 427 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:11,000 Speaker 1: got it too. Okay, We've got more. So stay tuned, 428 00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:18,520 Speaker 1: Welcome to the R Spot. We are talking about self 429 00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:21,640 Speaker 1: worth today. What do you have to say about that? 430 00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:24,840 Speaker 5: Thank you so much for opening up this space for 431 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:28,800 Speaker 5: us to talk about self worth. I find myself in 432 00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:33,440 Speaker 5: like a repeated cycle. I'm forty years old, and I 433 00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:37,000 Speaker 5: believe that it all stems with the relationships that I've 434 00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:42,280 Speaker 5: had with my family, including my mother. Though the relationship 435 00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:46,800 Speaker 5: with my father has healed, but the issues that continue 436 00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:51,800 Speaker 5: to arise with my mother extend into partnerships that I've had, 437 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:57,000 Speaker 5: which I find myself choosing relationships that aren't necessarily good 438 00:29:57,080 --> 00:30:00,720 Speaker 5: for me, and I'm trying to figure out how to 439 00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:04,560 Speaker 5: break the cycle instead of closing myself off to the world. 440 00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:07,920 Speaker 1: Oh, kidoki, you got to tell me what the pattern is, 441 00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:11,400 Speaker 1: or what the cycle is, so that we can perhaps 442 00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:12,800 Speaker 1: dissect it together. 443 00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:18,800 Speaker 5: The cycle is just choosing partnerships, including friendships that haven't 444 00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:22,480 Speaker 5: been good for me. With my mother, I believe that 445 00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:26,160 Speaker 5: it's stims there because I was always the child that 446 00:30:26,240 --> 00:30:30,920 Speaker 5: took care of everyone else. My mother had multiple relationships 447 00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:34,920 Speaker 5: and even the marriage that she is and now we 448 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:39,120 Speaker 5: know that there's been infidelity that has been brought up 449 00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:43,000 Speaker 5: with people in the public, to our family, and then 450 00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:47,160 Speaker 5: it's just her right to choose to stay in her marriage. 451 00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:51,600 Speaker 5: But then when it comes to me and my siblings, 452 00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:55,000 Speaker 5: we take a back seat. And we've always taken a 453 00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:59,000 Speaker 5: back seat with the other relationships with she was in, 454 00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:03,400 Speaker 5: including a from a partner that she was with that 455 00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:06,800 Speaker 5: put us in foster care. And so then when you know, 456 00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:10,320 Speaker 5: when I address those issues with her, you know, it's 457 00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:14,120 Speaker 5: like it never happened, or my side of the story 458 00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:17,080 Speaker 5: is not my side of the story. It's not what 459 00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:20,280 Speaker 5: happened in her eyes, all. 460 00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:24,440 Speaker 1: Right, So based on what I'm hearing, you say, in 461 00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:31,040 Speaker 1: your relationships, you recognize that you are not experiencing a 462 00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:35,760 Speaker 1: healthy sense of self worth because you take a back seat, 463 00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:42,880 Speaker 1: you accept abuse, and you put others' needs or wants 464 00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:46,280 Speaker 1: or desires first. Is that accurate? 465 00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:48,040 Speaker 5: Exaccurate? 466 00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:50,600 Speaker 1: Okay? Is there more? 467 00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:53,479 Speaker 5: I'm sure there is, but that's the gist of it. 468 00:31:54,680 --> 00:32:00,120 Speaker 1: What I want to hone in on here is how 469 00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:05,360 Speaker 1: we are defining self worth today, Okay, because that'll give 470 00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:10,560 Speaker 1: you a starting point to start making some adjustment self 471 00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:15,040 Speaker 1: worth as we're defining it here today, is what you request, 472 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:21,760 Speaker 1: what you require, and what you expect for yourself from others. 473 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:26,080 Speaker 5: Well, the first thing I immediately require is honesty, but 474 00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:30,200 Speaker 5: I probably put it in to words that would scare 475 00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:32,760 Speaker 5: people off, like I would say, like, if you lie 476 00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:36,520 Speaker 5: to me, that's something that I'm not going to be 477 00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:39,760 Speaker 5: able to forgive because I've been in those situations before. 478 00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:42,680 Speaker 5: But then when I catch a lie, then I like, 479 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:48,360 Speaker 5: excuse it. So uh huh that to them, They're like, Okay, 480 00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:49,440 Speaker 5: she wasn't really serious. 481 00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:55,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, So what you expect of yourself is that when 482 00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:58,200 Speaker 1: you ask for something and don't get it, you make 483 00:32:58,240 --> 00:33:03,720 Speaker 1: an excuse that diminishes your self worth. Don't have nothing 484 00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:07,040 Speaker 1: to do with the person lying. It has to do 485 00:33:07,160 --> 00:33:12,320 Speaker 1: when you request or require something for yourself, you make 486 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:15,760 Speaker 1: an excuse for why you're not getting it, and usually 487 00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:19,760 Speaker 1: the excuse excuses the other person and you do without 488 00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:23,760 Speaker 1: you take a back seat. Does that make sense? Yes, 489 00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:26,960 Speaker 1: So while you do that, I. 490 00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:30,760 Speaker 5: Still when I'm talking to myself when it happens, I 491 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:34,720 Speaker 5: try to like be compassionate and offer some grace and 492 00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:38,320 Speaker 5: you know, say, Okay, they're just humans, so everybody's allowed 493 00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:42,320 Speaker 5: to make mistakes. But then when I don't understand why, 494 00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:45,120 Speaker 5: I let the mistake repeat it because then it's not 495 00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:48,080 Speaker 5: a mistake, it's a choice, and it gets bad to 496 00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:50,560 Speaker 5: the point where it's just like, Okay, then I cut 497 00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:53,120 Speaker 5: it off. I cut it off. And now where I'm 498 00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:56,719 Speaker 5: at now because I've cut off three in the past 499 00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:03,240 Speaker 5: six years or so, I'm not willing to state anybody else. 500 00:34:04,240 --> 00:34:07,560 Speaker 1: Okay, So let's jump ahead in this definition to this 501 00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:13,720 Speaker 1: part how you see and hold yourself within yourself because 502 00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:17,000 Speaker 1: your worth grows from within. So let's talk about how 503 00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:21,000 Speaker 1: you see and hold yourself. Okay. Yes, So if I 504 00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:26,120 Speaker 1: say to you, I am how would you complete that sentence? 505 00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:28,240 Speaker 5: I am strong? 506 00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:30,719 Speaker 1: I am strong. Go ahead, I am. 507 00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:37,440 Speaker 5: I am resilient. I am strong, I am. 508 00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:40,040 Speaker 1: Honest, rapid fire, let's do it. 509 00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:47,160 Speaker 5: I am human. I am a woman. I am faithful. 510 00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:52,279 Speaker 5: I am a child of the most High. I am beautiful. 511 00:34:53,640 --> 00:35:02,800 Speaker 5: I am deserving of love in all forms. I am worthy. 512 00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:05,200 Speaker 5: I'm stuck. 513 00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:09,120 Speaker 1: So based on what you've said to me, I'm not 514 00:35:09,239 --> 00:35:13,000 Speaker 1: making this up. I am strong enough to take a 515 00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:17,520 Speaker 1: back seat. I am resilient enough to accept abuse. I 516 00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:21,200 Speaker 1: am honest enough to put my needs second. I am 517 00:35:21,239 --> 00:35:23,400 Speaker 1: a mother who takes a back seat. I'm a human 518 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:25,839 Speaker 1: who accepts abuse. I am a woman. This is what 519 00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:31,120 Speaker 1: you're saying to me, which says to me that these 520 00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:35,120 Speaker 1: i ams that you are either you don't believe them 521 00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:40,600 Speaker 1: or they've been spiritually polluted with what you expect for yourself. 522 00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:45,960 Speaker 1: You expect to take a back seat, you expect to 523 00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:50,000 Speaker 1: be abused, you expect to be the second thought. You 524 00:35:50,080 --> 00:35:54,840 Speaker 1: make excuses for people being dishonest. Yeah, because I'm strong, 525 00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:56,920 Speaker 1: I can take it. Do you see how you have 526 00:35:57,000 --> 00:36:01,360 Speaker 1: these things distorted it? Yes? Yeah, And those are the 527 00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:06,400 Speaker 1: things that affect your worth. How you see and hold 528 00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:11,120 Speaker 1: yourself within yourself. So while you see yourself as strong, 529 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:14,879 Speaker 1: you expect to take a back seat. While you see 530 00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:20,600 Speaker 1: yourself as honest, you expect that people will lie. So 531 00:36:20,760 --> 00:36:26,560 Speaker 1: that's what's destroying your dating life. Yeah. So if you 532 00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:30,120 Speaker 1: want honest, you got to be honest. If you want strength, 533 00:36:30,239 --> 00:36:32,960 Speaker 1: you got to be strength. And you've got to start 534 00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:37,960 Speaker 1: defining the boundaries and the parameters of those things so 535 00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:41,600 Speaker 1: that you can attract things that are vibrating at the 536 00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:47,360 Speaker 1: same rate. Okay, now you don't have one freaking clue 537 00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:51,160 Speaker 1: about how to do that, do you. No, That's why 538 00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:56,120 Speaker 1: I called starts with forgiveness. That story you told about 539 00:36:56,120 --> 00:37:00,200 Speaker 1: your mother, and it's not so much about forgiving her 540 00:37:01,080 --> 00:37:05,840 Speaker 1: as it is about forgiving yourself, but what you told 541 00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:12,399 Speaker 1: yourself about yourself in response to what you experienced with her. 542 00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:16,160 Speaker 1: So let's say, for example, I heard you say you 543 00:37:16,239 --> 00:37:19,520 Speaker 1: were expected to take care of others because of your 544 00:37:19,560 --> 00:37:26,239 Speaker 1: mom's lifestyle. Let's say, is that accurate? So somewhere inside 545 00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:33,920 Speaker 1: you may be holding the belief I am not important. Yes, 546 00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:41,000 Speaker 1: what I need is not as important as what somebody 547 00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:45,120 Speaker 1: else needs. Yes, I heard you say that you talk 548 00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:49,200 Speaker 1: to your mother about what you experience and she diminishes 549 00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:53,440 Speaker 1: it or denies it. Yeah, so you may have a 550 00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:58,560 Speaker 1: secret belief or expectation in there that I am not heard, 551 00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:05,800 Speaker 1: I am not seen. Here's a big one clutch of pearls. 552 00:38:07,239 --> 00:38:11,520 Speaker 1: I don't matter. Come on a breath. You can do this. 553 00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:18,120 Speaker 1: Tell me what you're thinking, tell me what you're hearing. 554 00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:23,799 Speaker 3: It's a perfect that I can't seem to come to 555 00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:29,319 Speaker 3: terms with these feelings, and you know how they came 556 00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:34,080 Speaker 3: to be at my age, Like, I want, you know, 557 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:39,160 Speaker 3: to experience life differently, and I don't want to live 558 00:38:39,239 --> 00:38:43,480 Speaker 3: the rest of my life holding on to hurt and 559 00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:47,879 Speaker 3: the feelings that you know, my needs aren't important or 560 00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:53,240 Speaker 3: I'm not important, because even though that I have kids 561 00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:57,239 Speaker 3: with my mother, it still feels that way, and I 562 00:38:57,320 --> 00:39:00,960 Speaker 3: feel like it trickles down to my kids, but what 563 00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:04,440 Speaker 3: they feel isn't important or they're not allowed to, you know, 564 00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:08,919 Speaker 3: express themselves with her. So I'm trying to figure out 565 00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:13,399 Speaker 3: how I can not be that way to them. 566 00:39:13,719 --> 00:39:21,800 Speaker 1: We'll talk more about it when we come back. Welcome 567 00:39:21,840 --> 00:39:24,799 Speaker 1: back to the hour spot. Let's get back to the conversation. 568 00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:30,160 Speaker 1: Let's start here. Okay, I want you to say this. 569 00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:37,920 Speaker 1: I'm hurt, I'm hurt. Yeah, say it. Again, I'm hurt. Yeah, 570 00:39:38,640 --> 00:39:41,440 Speaker 1: and I am entitled to be hurt. 571 00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:43,399 Speaker 5: I am entitled to be hurt. 572 00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:49,480 Speaker 1: Yes. See, one of the things that diminishes our worth 573 00:39:50,600 --> 00:39:53,440 Speaker 1: is when we don't think we're entitled to our pain, 574 00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:57,920 Speaker 1: when we don't think we have a right to our pain, 575 00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:02,000 Speaker 1: So we don't witness, and we stuff it and we 576 00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:05,839 Speaker 1: suppress it and we hold it down, and then that 577 00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:09,560 Speaker 1: pain just spreads out and it vibrates in our being 578 00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:12,960 Speaker 1: and it will continue to attract things and people that 579 00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:20,239 Speaker 1: hurt us. Does that sound familiar? Yes? Yeah, So, beloved, 580 00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:26,359 Speaker 1: you are entitled to your sadness, to your hurt, to 581 00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:31,440 Speaker 1: your outrage. How about that? I am outraged that my 582 00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:36,200 Speaker 1: mother put a man before me. How about that? Yes, 583 00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:42,360 Speaker 1: you're entitled to that. And until you witness your pain, 584 00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:46,520 Speaker 1: and until you give yourself permission to have it, to 585 00:40:46,680 --> 00:40:51,200 Speaker 1: experience it, to acknowledge it at that depth, you will 586 00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:55,840 Speaker 1: end up repeating the very same things she did. Yeah, 587 00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:58,880 Speaker 1: So let's go back. Let's do a little cleanup with 588 00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:04,520 Speaker 1: the intention to honor your pain. Let's start with I 589 00:41:04,560 --> 00:41:07,120 Speaker 1: am hurt. What's next? 590 00:41:07,200 --> 00:41:08,760 Speaker 5: I am I am hurt. 591 00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:10,960 Speaker 3: I am entitled. 592 00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:13,080 Speaker 1: To my pain? Yeah? And what else? 593 00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:17,000 Speaker 5: I am I'm just hurt. 594 00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:23,719 Speaker 1: I don't know what angry? How about that I'm angry? 595 00:41:25,239 --> 00:41:27,120 Speaker 1: How about I am outraged? 596 00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:28,800 Speaker 5: I am outraged? 597 00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:30,760 Speaker 1: Yeah, I am disgusted. 598 00:41:31,200 --> 00:41:32,279 Speaker 5: I am disgusted. 599 00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:35,440 Speaker 1: Now you see it's coming up right. What else I 600 00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:35,840 Speaker 1: am what? 601 00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:38,520 Speaker 5: I am frustrated? 602 00:41:39,600 --> 00:41:42,319 Speaker 1: Yes, come on now, now we're talking, let's go. 603 00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:44,399 Speaker 5: I am tired of it. 604 00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:49,960 Speaker 1: Yes, how about I'm disappointed. 605 00:41:48,760 --> 00:41:50,600 Speaker 5: Most of all. I am disappointed. 606 00:41:51,040 --> 00:41:56,360 Speaker 1: Yeah. And I'm sad, Yes, I'm sad. Yeah. Now you see, 607 00:41:56,560 --> 00:41:59,160 Speaker 1: let me just point this out to you that I 608 00:41:59,239 --> 00:42:02,200 Speaker 1: am strong, I am resilient, I am honest, I am mother, 609 00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:04,600 Speaker 1: I am you. But Papa, that didn't have no emotion 610 00:42:04,719 --> 00:42:10,600 Speaker 1: attached to it, but hurt and angry, outrage, disgusted, and frustrated, said, 611 00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:14,759 Speaker 1: and disappointed. That's where the feeling is. And that's what 612 00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:18,800 Speaker 1: you have to forgive, not forgive yourself for feeling that way, 613 00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:22,799 Speaker 1: not at all. In fact, you can't even start there. 614 00:42:24,239 --> 00:42:26,759 Speaker 1: I forgive my mother for the things she did that 615 00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:31,279 Speaker 1: hurt me. I forgive my mother for the things she 616 00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:34,040 Speaker 1: did that made me think I'm not entitled to my pain. 617 00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:38,880 Speaker 1: I forgive my mother for the things she did that 618 00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:43,200 Speaker 1: made me angry. I forgive my mother for the things 619 00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:49,560 Speaker 1: she did that disgusted me, that disappointed me. I'm forgive myself, 620 00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:55,480 Speaker 1: you know, for whatever it is. That's step one. Step 621 00:42:55,520 --> 00:43:01,400 Speaker 1: two is I forgive myself for believing was not entitled 622 00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:07,440 Speaker 1: to be hurt. I forgive my mind for thinking I 623 00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:12,319 Speaker 1: should not be hurt. I forgive myself for believing I 624 00:43:12,400 --> 00:43:17,719 Speaker 1: wasn't entitled to be angry. Yes, you gotta witness your pain, 625 00:43:19,040 --> 00:43:22,759 Speaker 1: and that's what keeps attracting what you call the repeated 626 00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:28,040 Speaker 1: cycle in your relationships. You are worthy of having your 627 00:43:28,080 --> 00:43:34,120 Speaker 1: own feelings, and your feelings are worthy of being honored, acknowledged, 628 00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:38,320 Speaker 1: and validated. So I've got an assignment for you, Okay, 629 00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:42,080 Speaker 1: I want you to go get my book on forgiveness, 630 00:43:42,640 --> 00:43:47,120 Speaker 1: Forgive Everybody for Everything, Forty Days to Forgive Everybody for Everything. 631 00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:50,359 Speaker 1: And it's a book of pages of the journal. All 632 00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:53,640 Speaker 1: you have to do is fill in the blanks, okay, 633 00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:57,160 Speaker 1: and do that work. You're going to forgive your thoughts. 634 00:43:57,360 --> 00:44:00,000 Speaker 1: You're going to forgive your beliefs. You're going to forget 635 00:44:00,239 --> 00:44:03,840 Speaker 1: your behaviors that you had in response to your thoughts 636 00:44:03,920 --> 00:44:07,319 Speaker 1: and belief and then you're going to forgive people and 637 00:44:07,360 --> 00:44:10,840 Speaker 1: in the process, Beloved, you're going to forgive God for 638 00:44:10,960 --> 00:44:12,440 Speaker 1: sticking you in this situation. 639 00:44:13,000 --> 00:44:14,080 Speaker 3: Yeah sounds good. 640 00:44:15,160 --> 00:44:18,440 Speaker 1: Yeah, tell me what you know now that you didn't 641 00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:19,160 Speaker 1: know when you call. 642 00:44:21,600 --> 00:44:25,640 Speaker 5: I didn't know how hurt I was. I didn't know 643 00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:30,279 Speaker 5: how you know, upsetting this was. I mean, I know 644 00:44:30,400 --> 00:44:34,200 Speaker 5: that maybe because I put the mask on that I 645 00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:37,560 Speaker 5: was fine, but I didn't know that I was going 646 00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:39,840 Speaker 5: to have this reaction. So it lets me know that 647 00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:43,080 Speaker 5: it's still things that I need to work on. And 648 00:44:43,800 --> 00:44:46,560 Speaker 5: definitely forgiveness. 649 00:44:46,640 --> 00:44:50,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, you get that book and a companion to that. 650 00:44:50,840 --> 00:44:55,480 Speaker 1: If you want to get two books, you get forgiveness, 651 00:44:56,200 --> 00:45:00,759 Speaker 1: and then you get until today, until today, Okay, because 652 00:45:00,960 --> 00:45:05,839 Speaker 1: what I'm hearing is you're living in the past right now. 653 00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:08,760 Speaker 1: Your feelings are stuck in the past with the stuff 654 00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:13,160 Speaker 1: that you haven't acknowledged. You don't have to buy a 655 00:45:13,239 --> 00:45:17,120 Speaker 1: condo in Painville, but you do have to acknowledge that 656 00:45:17,120 --> 00:45:20,120 Speaker 1: that stuff exists. And the fact that it's attached to 657 00:45:20,160 --> 00:45:24,479 Speaker 1: your mother is okay. She's not a sacred cow. She's 658 00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:28,960 Speaker 1: just another human being whose behavior impacted you in a 659 00:45:29,040 --> 00:45:33,640 Speaker 1: negative way, and it's okay for you to acknowledge that. Okay, 660 00:45:34,600 --> 00:45:36,480 Speaker 1: tell me one thing you're going to do different when 661 00:45:36,480 --> 00:45:37,480 Speaker 1: you get off this call. 662 00:45:38,760 --> 00:45:40,640 Speaker 5: The first thing that I'm going to do is purchase 663 00:45:40,680 --> 00:45:41,400 Speaker 5: the books. 664 00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:43,799 Speaker 1: Well, before you do that, I want you to go 665 00:45:43,880 --> 00:45:48,640 Speaker 1: somewhere and get the rest of that cry out because 666 00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:51,040 Speaker 1: what we did was unearthed. I don't want you to 667 00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:54,240 Speaker 1: stuff it. Okay, And then when you get the books 668 00:45:54,320 --> 00:45:58,759 Speaker 1: due to work. Yes, you are worthy, and I thank 669 00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:01,080 Speaker 1: you for trusting me with your story today. 670 00:46:01,440 --> 00:46:02,360 Speaker 5: Thank you so much. 671 00:46:02,560 --> 00:46:07,799 Speaker 1: That says to me that you're ready to do this differently. Now, 672 00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:09,960 Speaker 1: go on to the bathroom, get you some tissues, get 673 00:46:09,960 --> 00:46:15,200 Speaker 1: the rest of that cry out. Okay, okay, okay, bye bye. 674 00:46:17,160 --> 00:46:25,680 Speaker 1: Your worth hinges upon your willingness to honor what you feel, 675 00:46:26,560 --> 00:46:30,799 Speaker 1: regardless of what anybody else thinks or what it's attached to. 676 00:46:31,320 --> 00:46:35,759 Speaker 1: You are worthy of your feelings, and your feelings are 677 00:46:35,880 --> 00:46:42,520 Speaker 1: worthy to be acknowledged and recognized. And what I expect 678 00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:45,959 Speaker 1: of myself and for myself and what I expect from 679 00:46:46,040 --> 00:46:51,520 Speaker 1: others and calling it in and learning how to vibrate 680 00:46:51,920 --> 00:46:56,160 Speaker 1: at the frequency that will attract it to me, you're worthy. 681 00:46:57,160 --> 00:46:59,600 Speaker 1: I hope that you know something now that you didn't 682 00:46:59,600 --> 00:47:03,840 Speaker 1: know when you tuned in and until we meet again, 683 00:47:04,120 --> 00:47:12,480 Speaker 1: Stay in peace and not pieces favorite. The R Spot 684 00:47:12,560 --> 00:47:17,160 Speaker 1: is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. 685 00:47:17,880 --> 00:47:22,600 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, 686 00:47:22,800 --> 00:47:26,760 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.