Speaker 1: Well, welcome back to another exciting episode of Alcomy. This
Speaker 1: some'm your host, Kevin Pollock. Is that Kevin Pollock? Was?
Speaker 1: I agree? This year at two feels like it's raced
Speaker 1: by right. Speaking of racing by, how about that big
Speaker 1: as asteroid that barely missed us last week? That was
Speaker 1: some ship. But I digress. Let's meet our all coom as,
Speaker 1: shall we? In no particular order to Let's quickly check
Speaker 1: in with Craig Kowski for his home cooking for the
Speaker 1: holiday's corner. Kevin, I made sugar cookies last night. They
Speaker 1: were so good. They were so good. Everybody was just
Speaker 1: talking about all the weight they've lost. Yep, and uh, hey, congrats.
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna fucking fatten up. How many cookies? How
Speaker 1: many cookies did you make in the betch I take
Speaker 1: we We have a small oven, so with a small tray,
Speaker 1: so we were limited to nine cookies. I froze the
Speaker 1: rest of the batter um. I had five of them
Speaker 1: in Carla had four, and I think she was under
Speaker 1: the mistaken impression there was an even amount. So I
Speaker 1: was like, do you want to split the last one?
Speaker 1: She's like, no, no, it's yours. It's your it's your
Speaker 1: fourth one, and I knew that I I tricked her
Speaker 1: into an extra man and with no regrets, no regrets,
Speaker 1: no thank you for sharing all of that. And now
Speaker 1: let's checking with Chris Alvarado for his wedding planning hot tips.
Speaker 1: Mr C Tip, huh, let's see things to avoid. Let's
Speaker 1: start there, things to avoid to avoid. We can come
Speaker 1: back to you, we can go back. Is this one
Speaker 1: of those where do I begin? Everything's going so smoothly, everybody? What, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's just going smoothly. Everything's working out. It's never heard that.
Speaker 1: My only tip would be find somebody you really love.
Speaker 1: You know what I mean. It's a great tip. Thank you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: don't go into it with the kind of love thing.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, it's about committing. You gotta feel better
Speaker 1: than Hey, there's Caroline Carter is capaid super fan. As
Speaker 1: you understand it. What is the truth about Santa Claus? Well,
Speaker 1: according to what I know, which I think is the
Speaker 1: most scientifically up to date information, I think it's this
Speaker 1: old pervert that slips down your damn chimneys and leaves
Speaker 1: his greasy little hands on your presence. He's real and
Speaker 1: he's hot, hot PERV hot per party of one can't
Speaker 1: get enough. Look out it's James Heeney, Bobby Jean heen
Speaker 1: Have you ever done a production of a Christmas Carol?
Speaker 1: And if not, who would you like to portray in
Speaker 1: one that I'm staying if you're getting paid by the line,
Speaker 1: I want to be of an iSER screw Are you
Speaker 1: seeing check? Please? Yes? Evan James, I've never got somebody
Speaker 1: more on branded than you are. I mean, you never
Speaker 1: disappoint you are you are consistent to put the coffee
Speaker 1: down before I spill out myself. One of these days
Speaker 1: we're going to learn that that the jokes on us.
Speaker 1: He's been talking all these up on purpose. And last
Speaker 1: but no more squatty potty for you if you think
Speaker 1: him least, it's Joey Greer Boner donor please explain why
Speaker 1: you're all ba humbug this year. Well, I'm actually clouded
Speaker 1: up from the Evan Niser. All right, let's do it.
Speaker 1: That's a bonus. That's a bonus if Joey's clouded up,
Speaker 1: let's let's celebrate that. All of our scene suggestions are
Speaker 1: gathered from your listener emails or from our lovely patron
Speaker 1: V I p ease. How what's that? You'd like to
Speaker 1: become a patron's part of the show and enjoy exclusive
Speaker 1: content like I don't know, standalone bonus scenes that were
Speaker 1: made just for you, or the video of what we're
Speaker 1: doing right now. Well, just head on over to patreon
Speaker 1: dot com slash Alchemy this. If you'd like to submit
Speaker 1: a scene suggestion by email, please right to the damn
Speaker 1: podcast at Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. That's
Speaker 1: Alchemy this email at gmail dot com. Because everybody was
Speaker 1: clouded up. Scene one from listener Chase, who wrote, Hey, Alchemists,
Speaker 1: It's Chase Bennett from Kentucky. I've been a listener since
Speaker 1: the beginning this week. My town was hit by a
Speaker 1: devastating tornado. The morning after. There was no power, no internet,
Speaker 1: no gas station beside my house anymore, so I had
Speaker 1: to stay in being stuck inside, I wanted to listen
Speaker 1: to something. No Internet, I had to look to what
Speaker 1: was already on my phone. The only thing I had
Speaker 1: was Alchemy this from two thousand nineteen, and what's the
Speaker 1: first scene? Everyone stuck was stuck in a target because
Speaker 1: of a storm. Yikes. I took this as a sign
Speaker 1: to write you. I love each and every one of y'all.
Speaker 1: My scene suggestion is professional Taylor love Chase. Now, before
Speaker 1: we start that one, I went to Red Cross and
Speaker 1: made a donation on behalf of Alchemy. This uh so
Speaker 1: inspired by Chases. Uh missive, so thank you for that Chase.
Speaker 1: Uh personal No, professional Taylor, professional tailor. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. I need to get I need to get
Speaker 1: the pants hemmed, they need to be shorter. See you
Speaker 1: look at me? What do you see? Do you see
Speaker 1: my hype? Yeah? Okay, so when I buy pants, they're
Speaker 1: always gonna need to be short. But hold on, I
Speaker 1: don't know. Put these shoes of those shoes, yeah, put
Speaker 1: them on, They're gonna add a couple of inches. Okay,
Speaker 1: wow wow, look at that. No, I don't need to
Speaker 1: him them now right. I mean, if I have these shoes,
Speaker 1: what about all the other shoes that I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: I know I'm not a tailor. I'm just in line.
Speaker 1: But you've just extended what's underneath his pants. It doesn't
Speaker 1: actually doesn't change his his his pant legs. Thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you for that. I'll wait quietly behind No, no,
Speaker 1: thank you. What is your name? Jerry? I was gonna say, Jim, Uh,
Speaker 1: pretty close. Let's thank Gary. Jim sir cheery in Jerry, Jerry,
Speaker 1: I'm sticking with Jim. Sir. Can I take the shoes
Speaker 1: off and we have the pants to my bottom? I
Speaker 1: don't like that, m I'm just going with Jim. Jim suggested. Also,
Speaker 1: have you been drinking? Just a none of my business.
Speaker 1: But I'm about coffee and water. I'm so sorry. I'm
Speaker 1: not I'm not a professional tailor. What are you? What
Speaker 1: are you professional? I just do office work, secretarial stuff, secretary, organizational. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I organized and alphabetize it, put into numbers. Jerry, you're
Speaker 1: late again, bud Well, I'll tell you what. It's uh
Speaker 1: time I'm gonna be late. It's the last time I'm
Speaker 1: going to be late because I'm putting in my two weeks. Notice. Look,
Speaker 1: I think you gotta leave now. I was gonna give
Speaker 1: the standard two weeks. I think you're good now. I
Speaker 1: kind of I kind of was counting Bob Garry. You
Speaker 1: guys think Jerry shoul leave now or you wanted to
Speaker 1: stick around. Um, he's a he's a piece of sh it. Well,
Speaker 1: it's just that I've got a new business plan. But I.
Speaker 1: We don't want to. We don't want to hear that.
Speaker 1: I just finished what I was doing before lunch. Sorry,
Speaker 1: were you waving me away? I was waving away. I
Speaker 1: don't give a guy. Damn. What they're saying I need
Speaker 1: is six hundred thousand units today? Did you just bump
Speaker 1: into me? Oh my god, look at your suit, sir,
Speaker 1: Jesus Christ. Put that box down with all those weird
Speaker 1: things inside for a second. Let me look at that suit.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's a good suit. Do you have
Speaker 1: a job. I am in between job. Shut the funk up.
Speaker 1: I want to hire you right now. How does six
Speaker 1: figures sound like a hundred thousand dollars? Just how many
Speaker 1: figures is it? That doesn't quite make it to a million?
Speaker 1: I'm talking six figures. Let me pull them out right here.
Speaker 1: This is one figure. Get this figure here, check this
Speaker 1: out and all so I can pay you three dollars
Speaker 1: a year. That's more than I've ever been paid in
Speaker 1: my life. Well, listen, I need to yes, know right now?
Speaker 1: Do you want to work for me? Yes? Yes, fantastic.
Speaker 1: They put this little pin on you right there, a
Speaker 1: little It's okay, sir? What do you mean you just
Speaker 1: hired this guy off the street. We just I just
Speaker 1: fired him. I need six hundred thousand units. And now,
Speaker 1: what were you saying? He we just fired him? Who's
Speaker 1: I fired him and we supported him from the other room.
Speaker 1: I was chasing a fly out of my office and
Speaker 1: I shoot, So let me get this, Let me get
Speaker 1: this this correct, Ralph. You can't fire him yourself. You
Speaker 1: have to have other people do it. I just I
Speaker 1: needed some support. Yeah, some supports. You know, you do
Speaker 1: need some support in tailoring. I just hired a man
Speaker 1: with the most fantastics you would I've ever seen. Actually,
Speaker 1: all three You're fine, so you can get good suits.
Speaker 1: And hey, how you doing, miss time stand from stands
Speaker 1: exterminating You said there was a fly that was bothering you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: there's just one fly. It's kind of awkward that we're
Speaker 1: in my office now since I was the one fly
Speaker 1: and you called us to come in and I can't
Speaker 1: get it killed. I can't kill it, okay, I want
Speaker 1: to fly dead. And the irony here is that I
Speaker 1: was fired from my job, so I'm not technically supposed
Speaker 1: to be in my office right now. But that's how
Speaker 1: badly I want to kill this little fly. So if
Speaker 1: I tell you that we only do catch and release,
Speaker 1: was there a problem? Yeah, there's a problem because also
Speaker 1: on your website you have a fly hanging by a
Speaker 1: noose and graphic. So I to mean that if you
Speaker 1: would kill the flies not release them. Yeah, well, you know,
Speaker 1: listen at all, relative man, I don't think you understand.
Speaker 1: Exterminator is a loose word. We don't really kill anything.
Speaker 1: You understand, Um, do you get that? I do understand.
Speaker 1: I actually don't understand. I'm sorry. Exterminator means let me
Speaker 1: take out my dictionary here. Exterminator to a company that
Speaker 1: kills things till they're dead. Carry carry, we gotta, we
Speaker 1: gotta go. I just need to kill this fly. I
Speaker 1: will leave a little bit. Tell you were right to
Speaker 1: fire those bozos, because if they promise that a fly
Speaker 1: will be hung by its neck until dead, then they
Speaker 1: should deliver on that. And that's what we do. We execute.
Speaker 1: We we don't. We don't just exterminate. Exit. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: saw you have the lethal injection and you have the
Speaker 1: firing by um like a squad. I like that too,
Speaker 1: which one day one we're gonna do any or all.
Speaker 1: I think I would prefer the firing by a group
Speaker 1: because I think I'm sorry, but my fly, that's right,
Speaker 1: my client, I'm not gonna be had shot at until
Speaker 1: there is a trial by his peers. All right, We're
Speaker 1: gonna have this done correctly through the law. This is
Speaker 1: not cruel and unusual punished. I think he is to
Speaker 1: be executed by a squad of his peers. Flies with
Speaker 1: guns are going, Oh hey, Jerry, I am and you
Speaker 1: can see I'm interviewing from my old job. Well, uh,
Speaker 1: you can sit down and try. But I kind of
Speaker 1: have a preconceived idea of you from my previous experience
Speaker 1: working under you, and I get that that seems fair.
Speaker 1: I just if you'll notice the suit. It's a nice
Speaker 1: um and with that came an attitude change that doesn't
Speaker 1: surprise me. Okay, so this is good. I mean you
Speaker 1: probably know right as soon as you got a new suit,
Speaker 1: good things started happening to you. Right. Well, honestly, the
Speaker 1: suit itself was pretty good, but I had to take
Speaker 1: some scissors to it. The finishing touches to a suit
Speaker 1: that really makes it customized. You know, did I ever
Speaker 1: tell you the story of the first pair of pants
Speaker 1: I tailored? Is this part of the interview. No, you're
Speaker 1: probably not going to get the job, but I'd kind
Speaker 1: of like to tell the story. No, thank you, well
Speaker 1: never so is this your restume? Yeah? It only has
Speaker 1: this company up. Yea, this is this is the only
Speaker 1: job I've ever worked at. And you're not getting very
Speaker 1: good references from us. From Bob and Carry are also
Speaker 1: in the in the waiting room. I help you treat
Speaker 1: them a little, they'll be treated better, but they're still
Speaker 1: going to get the job. When I was, when I
Speaker 1: was on the up and up, I was about to
Speaker 1: start my own business, and instead you crushed my dreams
Speaker 1: out and I was crying down? How did I crushed?
Speaker 1: In between? I gave two weeks because I care. No,
Speaker 1: we got to see Bob suit. It's fucking insane. I
Speaker 1: don't even deserve this job. And Carrie, I mean you'll
Speaker 1: see you know what, after careful consideration, I think he left.
Speaker 1: Can you send it Bob or Karen? Jerry Jerry check
Speaker 1: it out? Triple breasted, triple breasted. Oh that is not
Speaker 1: what I thought you meant when he said triple breasted.
Speaker 1: Then that has seen one just rolled her eyes. She
Speaker 1: did that was you're enjoy the crossing and rolling, had
Speaker 1: an audience full of people and the sound of them
Speaker 1: rolling their eyes perform. I just I just had a
Speaker 1: tux tailored and the gentleman was doing the hymn part
Speaker 1: and I said, how long have you been? Have you
Speaker 1: been doing this? And he looked at me with this
Speaker 1: like forever gays and he said, I've been doing this
Speaker 1: since I was a fifteen years role. Oh god, I
Speaker 1: mean this man was so old this and I felt
Speaker 1: like I was in the presence of an actual master. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Not not your local dry cleaners. I'm talking about Uh,
Speaker 1: you know, he gets it. Yeah, there's no way to
Speaker 1: have sucked for sixty eight years at that. That would
Speaker 1: be something serious. Ripley's scene, too, comes from Patron v
Speaker 1: I P. Larry Stewart, who wrote, Hey, Kevin slash Cole,
Speaker 1: that's fair. I hope all has been well, James. As
Speaker 1: far as the whole Larry Lawrence situation, in your defense,
Speaker 1: my name is not that common as common Anglo names go,
Speaker 1: not like your Mike's, your Chris's, your Kevin's. So I
Speaker 1: get why you wouldn't be aware of the Larry Lawrence connection.
Speaker 1: Now he's letting you off the hook. And I'm calling bullshit.
Speaker 1: Oh come on, Kevin, No, you're right, James, I'm sorry. Anyway,
Speaker 1: my suggestion this time around is Her Majesty's Royal Marines.
Speaker 1: Hope I can make it out to l A to
Speaker 1: see you guys live if you are back doing that.
Speaker 1: Best wishes Larry Stewart if you hear this in time,
Speaker 1: will be at the West Side Comedy Theater some of
Speaker 1: us on Sunday, Anuary six, at eight pm. If you're
Speaker 1: hearing this after the fact, man, did you miss one
Speaker 1: hell of a show Her Majesty's Royal Marine. Al Right,
Speaker 1: everyone knows standing attention please this. Yes, now, as each
Speaker 1: of you know, you've all brant in from your different
Speaker 1: sectors for very specific mission, you've already had attention attention. Yes,
Speaker 1: I asked the questions. I guess Oh yeah, you you
Speaker 1: slipped a new bit of a French checks sent there
Speaker 1: for a moment, and I'm just curious, are you in
Speaker 1: fact the leader we were told to me? Interesting, you've
Speaker 1: actually passed your first test. I am not on English,
Speaker 1: cut on, I am a Frinch knows this that this
Speaker 1: mission calls for unification of our People's follow up question,
Speaker 1: if I may understand where her Majesty's Royal Marines. Right, yes, right,
Speaker 1: So being led by a quote unquote frog seems odd
Speaker 1: to me. Now, well, if if I if I heard
Speaker 1: correctly you decline, what is the very tail end of
Speaker 1: that speech you met? You were about to segue into
Speaker 1: a German accent? Yeah, I noticed that too, but noticed
Speaker 1: that she sounds like she might be a much bit Australian.
Speaker 1: I don't know who I can trust here anymore? Right
Speaker 1: you You should comment on people's accents, that's for sure.
Speaker 1: Wasn't going to say anything, but you sound Australian, your majesty. Um,
Speaker 1: it's happened, it's happened. Who is this? Who is this
Speaker 1: amating side my chamber? It is someone from the someone
Speaker 1: is coming. It works for you. We remember you hired
Speaker 1: him last year. His name is Roger right, Roger, Roger Steele,
Speaker 1: Roger Steel, He's Roger Stone on the US Marines. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: he wouldn't be able to get here if he wasn't hired.
Speaker 1: He has all the proper documents, et cetera. Why here's
Speaker 1: the steel? Yesmagest high degrees And you didn't know, yes
Speaker 1: you did. I had a fly infestation that I wanted
Speaker 1: in educated. Indeed, oh, your majesty, that was actually Roger Stone.
Speaker 1: This is Roger Steele's working to the military. Roger Stone
Speaker 1: is the disgrace lawyer, attorney or something who then got
Speaker 1: into the extermination business. Roger Steele is working for your
Speaker 1: Stone Stone manifort in Black. I've come. I've come to
Speaker 1: report that this experiment is um. This military experiment is
Speaker 1: is crumbling. They're questioning each other's accents, They're getting no
Speaker 1: actual work done. It's like a farce in there, and
Speaker 1: it's very European. I'll take your word for that, Mr Steele. Yes,
Speaker 1: I have a ball tonight and I don't have a date.
Speaker 1: I have to decline. Mr Steele, do you understand that
Speaker 1: this is her majesty the Queen. She never is the
Speaker 1: first one to ask someone on a date. And well, yes,
Speaker 1: of course, Roger Steal on my hand, how where you
Speaker 1: want a chicken smoke? I would love to have them
Speaker 1: just over kind of here where normally a choir would
Speaker 1: be standing. Let's just have some some chickens there, and
Speaker 1: we've got thirty seven. I know the order was for
Speaker 1: thirty eight, but one of them didn't didn't make the
Speaker 1: triple the way. If you know what I'm saying, you
Speaker 1: mean to say he died, Well, he pissed me off,
Speaker 1: So what did you do? She threw him out the window.
Speaker 1: I snuffed his lights and I believe it is one
Speaker 1: of the terms. Why didn't you just gonna say you
Speaker 1: killed him? I'm not gonna You're not gonna get in trouble.
Speaker 1: I just just say you murdered your chicken? Are you?
Speaker 1: Are you wired? Yes? I worked for the Queen. I'm
Speaker 1: always wearing a while, yes, yes, so she likes to
Speaker 1: hear about this kind of stuff though she's kind of
Speaker 1: a sick freak. So go ahead, Well that was your
Speaker 1: woods not anyways, if I could get these chickens to
Speaker 1: where they're supposed to be, because I've I've got a
Speaker 1: local production of Christmas Colle and I'm playing but nice.
Speaker 1: So I'm very excited to get to and you're getting
Speaker 1: paid by the line for that. When are you? I
Speaker 1: heard in cookies? So I'm very How wonderful salad? Do
Speaker 1: you enjoy it? Mrs Steele? Yeah? I love? What is?
Speaker 1: This is just a fly? You managed it? I will,
Speaker 1: I will get rid of this fly for you. I
Speaker 1: just want to let you know, this is not my
Speaker 1: job necessarily what I thought you stand in that's road,
Speaker 1: your stone fact. Why don't we bring in your your brigade,
Speaker 1: your your royal marines to get rid of these flies?
Speaker 1: What do you say? What do I say? They come
Speaker 1: now clean? I'm here to at your service. I'm not
Speaker 1: sure what I'm here for, some sort of maybe flying
Speaker 1: station or something like that. We're here to take care
Speaker 1: of you. He must be from my commonwealth. Well let's see.
Speaker 1: All right, now here's in charge of this and now
Speaker 1: I'm going to make sure that you've destroyed all the
Speaker 1: flies inside this castle. How would you refer to us again,
Speaker 1: your majesty, I'm asleep in my chamber healing. I keep
Speaker 1: a diary and I just want to make sure I
Speaker 1: got that. I'm not sure how to spell it, but
Speaker 1: thanks a whimpy kid. Yes, you have a job, get
Speaker 1: to it. But we shoot at the fly in here.
Speaker 1: You're sucking marines. I don't know. I just feel like
Speaker 1: there's a lot of people here and there's what you'd
Speaker 1: call collateral damage, So then maybe don't do that. Okay,
Speaker 1: how about some hand to hand combat? Yeah, all right,
Speaker 1: here we go, Sterling whoever gets their hands on that
Speaker 1: fly so smart. Wow. Imagine see this is a beautiful bedroom.
Speaker 1: This is my healing chamber. Ah, what looks like a
Speaker 1: wet socophagus is actually embryotic. Notod I sit inside and
Speaker 1: heals myself. Very nice. We'll thank you for a lovely evening.
Speaker 1: Have you seen Stargate? You've never seen starg I've actually
Speaker 1: I've never heard of that title. I'm being honest. The
Speaker 1: head a show. It was on for many star Gates. Yeah,
Speaker 1: there's so many s g one. You know you were
Speaker 1: summoned to me, your majesty, Oh Stargate. No, no, no,
Speaker 1: not not yet actually star Gate? Why are you here? Yes?
Speaker 1: Can you? Can you please put me in the sarcophagus.
Speaker 1: I need to I could leave. No, no, Steel, you
Speaker 1: need to see this. You have not been dismissed, sir.
Speaker 1: You don't know when it's time for you to leave.
Speaker 1: Here we go, mom your back while I'm here and
Speaker 1: placing you delicately in the stock off. It's warmer then
Speaker 1: it looks steel. I want to give you something before
Speaker 1: you leave. Kind of just tired. I just think hid
Speaker 1: in the hay, hid in the hay. Here it is
Speaker 1: a codex given to me by my father's father's father's
Speaker 1: father's wise father's codex. Not familiar, you will be. You
Speaker 1: need to decipher it. The Queen of all flies, her
Speaker 1: location is there. I must rest, I must rest the stargate.
Speaker 1: What do I do with this? Well, the Queen did
Speaker 1: ask you to decipher the codex so I would get
Speaker 1: on that. His code is coach short for codex. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: all right, all right, and you've been dismissed in case
Speaker 1: you didn't get the hint. Okay, thank you, students. If
Speaker 1: I could have your attention, please less rustling of iPads
Speaker 1: and computers and on the board, define the difference between
Speaker 1: code and cos I'm the American exchange student in America. Yes,
Speaker 1: Sam's shield. What have you got for us today? I
Speaker 1: think the difference is just the ex professor. The X
Speaker 1: was what Captain America offered up? Would anyone else like
Speaker 1: to come in? Um? Great answering that question? What's up?
Speaker 1: What the fun? What are you doing here? What do
Speaker 1: you mean what I'm doing here? Around? She said? Cambridge,
Speaker 1: that Cambridge on scholarship. I don't know if you fucking
Speaker 1: know what's going on here, man, but I'm the token
Speaker 1: American around here always. Okay, Oh sorry, I'm American, hot
Speaker 1: American Exchange students. I'm not talking to you hot American Exchange.
Speaker 1: How what's your name again? What's your name? Clip? Clip? Yeah? Clip?
Speaker 1: How could I forget that? Um? So, there's like a
Speaker 1: student ball. Listen, I'll go. I'll be there. Oh I'm
Speaker 1: sorry you blended in with a locker. I didn't even
Speaker 1: notice you. Ship um clip, I was wondering if you
Speaker 1: want to go to the bowl Student Bowl with me
Speaker 1: this week. I guess I got a lot of starting
Speaker 1: to do, plus I got football, got a lot of starting.
Speaker 1: You mean soccer? And what's starting? You said you're a
Speaker 1: little starting to do studying. Oh I don't understand your accents,
Speaker 1: so thick. Um. Yeah, you know what. I guess I
Speaker 1: should have some time for recreation. Yeah, let's do it.
Speaker 1: Should I pick you up at four? Oh? No, the
Speaker 1: ball starts at seven. We don't get out of classes
Speaker 1: until four thirty, So how about like six? Perfect? Totally?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I gotta get a suit. Hey American guy,
Speaker 1: do you know where I can get a suit? Yeah? This, Yeah,
Speaker 1: there's actually a really great Taylor down the street. Awesome
Speaker 1: thank you so much. Man, I'm so glad I get
Speaker 1: to talk to another America. You did the ship out
Speaker 1: of me in that class. I guess we're like I
Speaker 1: guess we're like best friends. Then. Yeah, don't worry. You're
Speaker 1: in the good hands because I have been a tailor
Speaker 1: for a sixty eight years. Oh wow, okay, cool, it's
Speaker 1: my first suit. I don't really know what I should
Speaker 1: for a South. Yeah, I am a seventy years old.
Speaker 1: Oh you're doing I was a two years old when
Speaker 1: the first I put a kids together, my first South.
Speaker 1: Oh you're like a savant. I am a savant. Let's
Speaker 1: just see how where do you dress? Uh? Where I dress?
Speaker 1: Let's see what the side of you dress on? What
Speaker 1: side of my dresses on? Let's see what the side
Speaker 1: of your dresses on? What side is my dresses on?
Speaker 1: Let's see what side? Okay, both both sides. There must
Speaker 1: to be a biafra. Cant it cool? Like a snake's tongue? Yes, exactly? Okay,
Speaker 1: what what the I'm not gonna go to go see it.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna go steal you want. I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: go see it. Alright, Steel, I need you to sit
Speaker 1: down oh wait wait, I'm I'm gonna get my steps in.
Speaker 1: No sit down, steal, You're in trouble. You were supposed
Speaker 1: to go to Cambridge and blend in, but you're bringing
Speaker 1: bowie knife out in class. Scare another American real students?
Speaker 1: Are you not the Marine Corps corpole that we thought
Speaker 1: you were? I am not, sir, you got a beard?
Speaker 1: Why to clean up? Try to look young for class?
Speaker 1: I am not. I'm not what you thought I was, sir,
Speaker 1: terribly started to interrupt a stargate here the queen is
Speaker 1: still waiting on that code X translation. If you I
Speaker 1: figured it out? Yes, um, it's a It was like
Speaker 1: a before and after thing, like like on Willow Fortune,
Speaker 1: Like on Willow Fortune, Ye, like Teflon don Quixote. That's
Speaker 1: what it was. We're not gonna top Teflon don Quixote. No, no,
Speaker 1: there's no driving past that. Scene three comes from listener James,
Speaker 1: who wrote high y'all a scene suggestion. Saturday Night Live
Speaker 1: tries expanding its appeal by starting a second show in
Speaker 1: a different city. PS. It has been fun to hear
Speaker 1: those old episodes again on the replay. Still I miss Kevin.
Speaker 1: I grateful for Cole. I hope you all have a happy,
Speaker 1: most wonderful pot of the year, and I'm looking forward
Speaker 1: to the marvelous Mrs Masal season four. Thanks James. Uh So,
Speaker 1: who's who's coming in next down? Sure, it's all the
Speaker 1: people that are not good enough to be on like
Speaker 1: our main show, so we're thinking of making like a
Speaker 1: worse one. So these are just kind of bad people.
Speaker 1: And it's in what's the city, New Jersey? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, Greg,
Speaker 1: Do you know what's going on at all? No? I don't.
Speaker 1: I'm playing catch You're you're the show runner for this,
Speaker 1: You're yeah, you know. Here's the thing. I was a
Speaker 1: writer's assistant on this side, and I've just been given
Speaker 1: the helm of this fucking rickety machine, and uh yeah,
Speaker 1: I need some, need some everybody. My name is Dan. Dan.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. Dan. We will we will get you
Speaker 1: when we need you. Okay, this is this is the
Speaker 1: third time you've barged into this room. Okay, so super excited.
Speaker 1: We'll get you. Let me need you. And it's it's
Speaker 1: three original characters, two impressions. That's right, Dan, Thank you,
Speaker 1: And by the way, we are one minute away from
Speaker 1: seeing you one minute. I like Dan already. I think
Speaker 1: you just hired seriously already. Y that's what I like.
Speaker 1: He's done it so many times. Well, let's hire somebody
Speaker 1: who wants to fun. I get him from Dan. Hi. Guys, Hi,
Speaker 1: I'm Dan, Um, I'm from Utah, and I'm now going
Speaker 1: to give you my three original characters and my two impressions.
Speaker 1: First character, is anybody gonna eat this? Second character? Oh, man,
Speaker 1: don't mind if I do. And my third character, I
Speaker 1: ain't going Uh, my first impression, don't tell us who
Speaker 1: it is, just doing that's part of the fun for us.
Speaker 1: And the penguins kept walking in the snow. Oh, I
Speaker 1: think it's the penguin from Batman. And my second um
Speaker 1: my second impression. Um, somebody stop me, Dan, I'd like it.
Speaker 1: Shoot you straight to Lauren's office. In the next couple
Speaker 1: of weeks. You've made it through the first, second, and
Speaker 1: third round. I love your energy most of what you did,
Speaker 1: so we'll be in touch. Hey, is anybody gonna eat this?
Speaker 1: Well that he's like pretty much the whole list. We
Speaker 1: don't got anybody. Hey, do you want to watch SNL?
Speaker 1: I don't know. It just hasn't been what it used
Speaker 1: to be. I want something fresh, Well what about newer?
Speaker 1: Yeah it airs at the same time. Yeah, it's a
Speaker 1: productive It's all the same people except worse. Okay, now,
Speaker 1: now the popcorn And there's live on car Pecock five
Speaker 1: from Newark Opera adjacent building. It's Saturday Night Live starring
Speaker 1: Dan Mercer, Dan Mercer, Dan Mercer starring Dan Mercer. Like
Speaker 1: Dan Mercer is give me the breakout of it's not.
Speaker 1: It's a mixture of Hey, Kiano, it's pete listen, give
Speaker 1: me a call when you can. I've got an opening
Speaker 1: screating my calls. I'm here, hey man, So there's an
Speaker 1: offer for you to host Saturday Night Live. Oh wow?
Speaker 1: Is it because the matre coming out? Uh? That's right,
Speaker 1: all right either Okay, so there's a little caveat, but
Speaker 1: I will say we're super excited here at the agency
Speaker 1: about this for you. And you start rehearsals on Monday.
Speaker 1: I think there's a table read pretty much very light rehearsal,
Speaker 1: and then you're there for the week with the show,
Speaker 1: of course live Saturday. What fun are you? What are
Speaker 1: you doing? I'm Kyoto Koo and I'm here for Saturday Night.
Speaker 1: What are you knocking. I'm Kyotto Reefs. You might not
Speaker 1: recognize me because I'm not wearing my dark sunglasses. What
Speaker 1: are you talking? You want to buy cocus on from
Speaker 1: the matrix? I'm kinda look, buddy, what do you need?
Speaker 1: What's what do you what do you fucking want? What
Speaker 1: are you trying to do? I'm like hosting Saturday Live
Speaker 1: this week? Oh ship, you want to funk my beck?
Speaker 1: Come here? Okay, alright, follow me, just so you know.
Speaker 1: There's got no heat in this room. All right, Oh,
Speaker 1: but it's kind of chilly. It's winter talk. Yeah, it
Speaker 1: is a good eye Jesus fucking hi. Oh sorry, we
Speaker 1: got in the same time. Do you need him first? Okay, okay, Um,
Speaker 1: so I'm with the costume department. Um. So it's like
Speaker 1: a sketch show. There's a lot of different sketches, a
Speaker 1: lot of different characters. So you'll just be wearing exactly
Speaker 1: what you're wearing right now for everything because we don't
Speaker 1: have any department. Usually it works. Okay, Hey, nice to
Speaker 1: meet you, Dan. This is the table reading. This is
Speaker 1: like where's everybody else? The writers are on their way.
Speaker 1: I just want to tell you, like, it's going to
Speaker 1: be a blast, and they came up with some really
Speaker 1: cool things for you. I think you're gonna like it. Oh,
Speaker 1: here they come. Now, all the writer's gotten an accident.
Speaker 1: They were car poining and the car just exploded. That's okay,
Speaker 1: that's okay, that's okay. I have some ideas. Great, do
Speaker 1: you trust me? Of course, Let's just go out there.
Speaker 1: Let's just go what like, do you trust me? Are
Speaker 1: we not? We're not gonna mourn are We're not gonna
Speaker 1: mourn them at all? We don't have time. It's I
Speaker 1: never even met them four minutes and four days till places.
Speaker 1: I gotta be honest, this isn't what I expected saying
Speaker 1: out live to be. Like, well, I mean the famous
Speaker 1: Laurd Michaels quotees like the show doesn't go on because
Speaker 1: it's eleven thirty of the show goes on because it's
Speaker 1: in Newark, and it's Mercer Mercer and Reeves is hosting
Speaker 1: this week and is an incredible Alex Winter. So like
Speaker 1: the ladies and gentlemen, give it up for your host, Kiano.
Speaker 1: That doesn't look like Kiano Reeves, No, it doesn't. This
Speaker 1: is some guy doing an impressive counter reef. Maybe he
Speaker 1: just got much older, you know, because I'm doing the
Speaker 1: matrix billets. I think that's actually Dan Mercer. Is that No,
Speaker 1: I'm Coronals. He said his name was Corono, because his
Speaker 1: name was coron This is insane. How can we have known?
Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't know. I hope we should
Speaker 1: have mourned. This is the curse. All right, everybody, thanks
Speaker 1: for meeting us, Thanks everybody for meeting here. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: we're gonna go with these numbers. We gotta go over
Speaker 1: Newark SNL versus. Dan. I know that you just got
Speaker 1: promoted here in NBC, and I just want to let
Speaker 1: you know that we as a team, I think we
Speaker 1: can speak for when we said we are so happy
Speaker 1: and proud to be under your tutel. Definitely awesome. Sorry,
Speaker 1: I'm late. I was at the memorial service for the
Speaker 1: twenty writers who died. Okay, Well you know it doesn't
Speaker 1: look good when he started media off late. But that's okay.
Speaker 1: So here we go. Here are the numbers. Looks like
Speaker 1: we are doing better than SNL. We're doing better than SNL. Yeah,
Speaker 1: more people are tuning in. Um. Some of the reports
Speaker 1: here say it's for the train wreck factor. I don't
Speaker 1: really know what that means. Train wreck factor. I think
Speaker 1: it's the writers. I think they're mourning the writers. Right,
Speaker 1: it was more of a van wreck. But yeah, I
Speaker 1: don't I don't know. It wasn't hit by a train.
Speaker 1: The van wasn't hit. I think it exploded the car.
Speaker 1: The van just exploded, as far as I recall, Yeah, gotcha, gotcha. Wait,
Speaker 1: excuse me, this is a closed meeting. Oh sho, it's
Speaker 1: Pete Davidson. Hey, hey, hey, what's going on? What what
Speaker 1: do you This is a Yeah, you just stopped by
Speaker 1: to let everybody know that I'm banging somebody else super
Speaker 1: famous and hut pretty cool. Yeah. I just gonna keep
Speaker 1: swinging above my weight and uh until you know I
Speaker 1: got rejected by any of these people. Well that's going
Speaker 1: to be any minute now you Uh yeah, it's kind
Speaker 1: of private. Hillary Clinton, she's so famous, Pete, Pete, can
Speaker 1: I ask you something? I know you kind of tend
Speaker 1: to go, like you said, like punch above your weight?
Speaker 1: Have you ever considered punching down your weight? Like an
Speaker 1: executive for NBC's Saturday Night New Work Live, Clear, what
Speaker 1: do I just got? Was officially yesterday? I'm single, just breathe.
Speaker 1: You're going to speak sex with every intern. Wow, you've
Speaker 1: been married, so what a little unethical? At least I
Speaker 1: got to getting fired. Okay, your peer, I don't have
Speaker 1: the power to fire you. Besides, ever, I don't like quit.
Speaker 1: Wait what hey, Claire, Claire, I know that was weird
Speaker 1: in there that everybody he quit and everybody got mad.
Speaker 1: But Keana is back. Are you sure it's Keanu for you? Okay?
Speaker 1: And I just want to make sure I'm not surprised
Speaker 1: by that because I'm ugly, but I'm confident and men
Speaker 1: are attracted to that. Um, are you sure it's Keanu?
Speaker 1: Because we had the wrong one on our show right
Speaker 1: right then? So it's there or whatever. I'm just not sure. Okay,
Speaker 1: Well anyway, Sorry, what does he want? I should let you?
Speaker 1: You want to talk to you in the back of
Speaker 1: that limousine over there? Okay. I hope he doesn't want
Speaker 1: me to suck his dick, because I'll do it. I mean,
Speaker 1: if I'm meeting him in the back of his blacked
Speaker 1: out window limousine, I think we know where this is going.
Speaker 1: I've been in new work long enough to know how
Speaker 1: show biz works. Okay, Okay, Yeah, I just want to say,
Speaker 1: I can't do this. I got to be married to
Speaker 1: you and I can't get divorced. No, Honey, Matt, sign
Speaker 1: that we had We had this separation like a year ago.
Speaker 1: We both signed the papers a while ago. Signed I
Speaker 1: signed it under duress. I don't know what to tell you.
Speaker 1: It's officially. Yeah, I think it's Toronto, Claire. Why don't
Speaker 1: you get in my limit and leave this dead beat?
Speaker 1: Oh you're back with that guy? Are you fucking kidding?
Speaker 1: We are divorced in the eyes of God and the law.
Speaker 1: We are not together. We're separated, fully divorced officially. Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, okay, all right, jesus Hi, you want me
Speaker 1: in the back here with you? Good in the car.
Speaker 1: I apologize about the pants. I'm getting my pants, Taylor.
Speaker 1: I know what's happening here. I'm I'm no spring chicken.
Speaker 1: This is not my first time trying to cram a
Speaker 1: sausage into a two small bun if you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. Excuse me. I'm so Mr Kerry, would you
Speaker 1: like the tea? It's c oh wrong, Amusine, I thought
Speaker 1: this is Jim Carreys. I'm sorry, you just find my way.
Speaker 1: Excuse me. Miss, that's how embarrassing, So Stargate, I just
Speaker 1: want to say we're very happy to have you as
Speaker 1: our second ever host. I thinks are pretty smooth around here.
Speaker 1: Totally why I'm here, but imagesty, it did request it,
Speaker 1: and I must on my queen. We're super excited it.
Speaker 1: I was thinking, I'm a kind of a puzzle guy.
Speaker 1: Are you a puzzle guy? By a chance? U? Jigsaw cross?
Speaker 1: What I was thinking more of like, uh, Wheel of
Speaker 1: Fortune style? Alright, yeah, before and after? Don't tell me
Speaker 1: you have a before and after already cooked up? No? No, no, no,
Speaker 1: um no no are you are you going to pip
Speaker 1: me to come up with Dan Dan? Dan so started interrupted. Um,
Speaker 1: I just want you to know that, um, the fund
Speaker 1: for the writer's has gone through, and uh, everyone's really
Speaker 1: excited about that. So we're gonna be celebrating that later
Speaker 1: on if you're free. Um, I didn't really hear you,
Speaker 1: guess I was looking at my phone looking up Before
Speaker 1: and After a Wheel of Fortune? That is our show.
Speaker 1: That's sort of honesty is how I'd like to end
Speaker 1: every one of our episodes. Thank you, also very damn much.
Speaker 1: Let's snank our cast um for for giving you way
Speaker 1: more than you asked for and or dessert. Let's start
Speaker 1: with Mr Chris Overado. Chris um tell us about Comedy Fixed,
Speaker 1: still happening, still new episodes have a pause. Yeah, we
Speaker 1: kind of like talked a lot for a very long
Speaker 1: time and now we're just taking a break. I'm very
Speaker 1: hot right now either written, I'm like sweating to death. Okay,
Speaker 1: for the record, I couldn't help it. Couldn't help it again.
Speaker 1: I know, we think we said this earlier. We don't
Speaker 1: know when this airs, unfortunately, but hopefully they can catch
Speaker 1: us at Sketch Fest in San Francisco that's January nine,
Speaker 1: and or back here in Santa Monica, California, January believe
Speaker 1: it is. Yeah, I'm excited to start seeing the people,
Speaker 1: start seeing the people. Yeah, we're very excited about these
Speaker 1: live shows. And if anyone gets us in time and
Speaker 1: would like to go, please do. We love seeing you
Speaker 1: there and it's just exciting as hell for us to
Speaker 1: get back on a live stage. So thank you for this,
Speaker 1: Caroline Cotter. Yeah, did we celebrate new work enough for
Speaker 1: your likes? Um? Yeah, I think even more than I
Speaker 1: ever could have thought possible. Sure, and thank you for
Speaker 1: being here and happy holiday. Yeah, happy holidays. Thanks for
Speaker 1: having me, um anything you'd like to Yeah, only because
Speaker 1: you look so like your soul was just lost there.
Speaker 1: You gotta follow me on Instagram at Cotter poop By.
Speaker 1: Have two podcasts, unfortunately, one's Cotter Core one Stinkers Stinkers Stinkers,
Speaker 1: where we bring guests on to talk about the worst
Speaker 1: ideas they've ever had, um and it stinks like shit.
Speaker 1: I love the hell out of that. I can't wait
Speaker 1: to be invited to be a guest. Yeah, well we'll see.
Speaker 1: Just you go, you got sometimes you gotta go after
Speaker 1: That's all. That was a lesson to those out there
Speaker 1: listening and watch Greig Kowski. Okay, I got two before
Speaker 1: and after that. If Will Fortune producers are listening, they
Speaker 1: can take or leave them. Union Jack in the Box,
Speaker 1: Chicken Ala, King Kong are really good. I feel like
Speaker 1: you had those in the chamber before we started. Noe.
Speaker 1: Is that something like high Rise and Shine? Yeah, Oh
Speaker 1: that's a good one. That's a good one. That's either
Speaker 1: easy once you get in a rhythm. Yeah, I don't
Speaker 1: you would want to work on the rhythm of that.
Speaker 1: Speaking of rhythm, yeah, I probably shouldn't say it as
Speaker 1: a question. And thank you Joey Gray for being here.
Speaker 1: Thank you. Speaking of podcasts outside the sphere of alchemy,
Speaker 1: this which you shouldn't do, but if you have to,
Speaker 1: dip out. I was recently a guest on Comedy Bang
Speaker 1: Bang Check get out. Yeah, crazy character is really fun,
Speaker 1: So give it a listen. You can't wait, I can't wait.
Speaker 1: Thank you for that. This is a small little podcast.
Speaker 1: I feel like we should help support that podcast. You
Speaker 1: know you lift it up. Yeah, give them a chance.
Speaker 1: I'd of comedy Bang Bang. I'm sure that makes sense
Speaker 1: to somebody. James Zeeni Hi, I am just so happy
Speaker 1: to be here today. Check our game front at game
Speaker 1: front dot com and on YouTube. Sweet let's thank our
Speaker 1: engineering producers to the stars, Mr Babe to find folks
Speaker 1: that I heart media. I'm your host, Kevin Pollack. Reminding
Speaker 1: you to please be kind to each other is the
Speaker 1: easiest damn choice. Happy holidays, Uh should you be listening
Speaker 1: at this time of year? Thank you very much for
Speaker 1: listening at all. Until next time, and a football of