WEBVTT - Owning Your Worth

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<v Speaker 1>Comeback Stories is a production of Inflection Network and iHeartRadio.

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<v Speaker 2>Welcome back, everyone to another episode of Comeback Stories. I'm

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<v Speaker 2>one and half of your co hosts, Darren Waller here

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<v Speaker 2>with my man, my brother, mister Donnie Starkins. Donnie, how

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<v Speaker 2>are we doing today?

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<v Speaker 3>I'm doing well. I'm excited for what we're going to

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<v Speaker 3>dive into today.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, this is big, you know, for anybody that's new,

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<v Speaker 2>We've been as our show has been unfolding. We've been

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<v Speaker 2>chugging along now for a couple of years. We Comeback

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<v Speaker 2>Stories was built on, you know, stories being told about

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<v Speaker 2>people overcoming adversity, overcoming the challenges in their lives and

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<v Speaker 2>the perspectives taken from that. And that's still a huge

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<v Speaker 2>part of our show, right but we feel like the

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<v Speaker 2>meaning of comeback has evolved in a way. In one

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<v Speaker 2>of those evolutions of comeback is returning back to our true, real,

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<v Speaker 2>authentic selves, coming back home to our centers and who

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<v Speaker 2>we really are. And so the title of today's episode,

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<v Speaker 2>we're gonna call coming back from a life of self abandonment.

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<v Speaker 2>And so, Donnie, I want to ask you first, when

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<v Speaker 2>you hear that title, when you hear coming back from

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<v Speaker 2>self abandonment. What comes to your mind? Is it your

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<v Speaker 2>own experience is talk to me bro.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh man, it's like, it's my whole life. The recognition

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<v Speaker 3>of it happening in my whole life and now, you know,

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<v Speaker 3>most of my life not having the awareness of it,

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<v Speaker 3>but now having the awareness of it doesn't always make

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<v Speaker 3>it easier. Like when you wake up to some of

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<v Speaker 3>this stuff, it's it's really hard work. And as you're

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<v Speaker 3>saying this, like you know, in this topic, like it's

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<v Speaker 3>all in relationships, right, and for me it's people pleasing

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<v Speaker 3>and caring what other people think. And this is like

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<v Speaker 3>again we've talked about the enneagram and I'm an achiever

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<v Speaker 3>on the Enneagram, and achievers can achieve a lot of things,

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<v Speaker 3>but from an ego, false self, it's it's it's not healthy, right,

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<v Speaker 3>You're you're trying, You're I care what other people think.

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<v Speaker 3>And so to watch that still unfolding relationships to this day,

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<v Speaker 3>it's like, well, I guess I'll just be working on

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<v Speaker 3>this my whole life, Like that's what I've surrendered to.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, no doubt, man, As you say that, I watched

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<v Speaker 2>on Prime Video last night. If anyone doesn't know who

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<v Speaker 2>ram Das is. You guys should definitely go check him out.

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<v Speaker 2>He's a spiritual teacher, one of the most amazing that

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<v Speaker 2>we've seen. But he had They made a documentary. It

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<v Speaker 2>was called Becoming Nobody, and uh, you know one of

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<v Speaker 2>the beginning parts you talked about when he was born,

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<v Speaker 2>and he painted this picture of like when we come

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<v Speaker 2>into Earth and we're born as human beings, we're like

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<v Speaker 2>aliens and we come to this new foreign place and

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<v Speaker 2>we're like putting on our spacesuit and as we learn

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<v Speaker 2>to walk and you know, grab things and all these

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<v Speaker 2>simple motor skills, we're being brought up in this world

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<v Speaker 2>that values our spacesuit and it's like, oh, and he's

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<v Speaker 2>a top paints his analogy like, oh man, all we

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<v Speaker 2>want to do is how people tell us how nice

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<v Speaker 2>our space suit is and that that did it so

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<v Speaker 2>much for me because you know, in this world, I

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<v Speaker 2>feel like we're taught to value the physical. We're taught

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<v Speaker 2>to value the external more than we are our internal.

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<v Speaker 2>And so we begin since young kids that you know,

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<v Speaker 2>what we should value the most is our acceptance by

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<v Speaker 2>the world. We should value results and outcomes more so

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<v Speaker 2>than we should just the process of growing as a

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<v Speaker 2>human being. You know, doing is taught to us more

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<v Speaker 2>so than being is. And I mean I can think

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<v Speaker 2>of how early it was for me when self abandoning began,

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<v Speaker 2>and for anybody that's like, what is self abandonment exactly?

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<v Speaker 2>I see the definition as things that are me, things

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<v Speaker 2>that I love about myself. I sacrifice those because I

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<v Speaker 2>feel like I should be what the world wants me

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<v Speaker 2>to be. I should be what's normal. I should be

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<v Speaker 2>what's accepted. And anytime that we choose to do that,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, we're shutting off who we really are and

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<v Speaker 2>who the world deserves us authentically as we are. And

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<v Speaker 2>I remember doing that as early as elementary school. Like

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<v Speaker 2>I've talked about on the show numerous times, like the

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<v Speaker 2>wound of not being black enough. So that's like, okay,

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<v Speaker 2>like me, as I am, as just this black kid

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<v Speaker 2>who may be different than everybody else, how do I

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<v Speaker 2>push whatever's me to the side so I could be

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<v Speaker 2>more like them? And it shows up all over the place.

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<v Speaker 2>I mean, we can go through my whole story all day,

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<v Speaker 2>but just going back to where it began and where

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<v Speaker 2>I knew that I was making the choice to abandon

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<v Speaker 2>myself but didn't know the repercussions of it.

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<v Speaker 3>Man. I mean, I'm just thinking about both of our journeys, right,

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<v Speaker 3>and just thinking about my path when you talk about

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<v Speaker 3>these things, for me the most, I think, so the

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<v Speaker 3>self abandonment for me is it's like conflict aversion, Like

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<v Speaker 3>I struggle with conflict, and so it plays out in

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<v Speaker 3>self abandonment and just like carrying what other people think,

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<v Speaker 3>right and and and a lot of times it's the

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<v Speaker 3>people that we love the most. So then what that

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<v Speaker 3>turns into, like we start to live with these code

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<v Speaker 3>dependent perfectionists, people pleasing thoughts and habits. Where we define

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<v Speaker 3>being codependent think is like chronically our self worth is

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<v Speaker 3>about external things like you're talking about, right, And it's

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<v Speaker 3>it's we have to find we have to come back

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<v Speaker 3>to our truth. And that's why these these tests, these

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<v Speaker 3>personality tests, and I was so blown away by the

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<v Speaker 3>Enneagram test as it identified me as an achiever was

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<v Speaker 3>my main one, and then peacemaker was my second one.

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<v Speaker 3>But it so much of it for me again was

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<v Speaker 3>conflict aversion and avoiding those things to keep the peace

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<v Speaker 3>because I didn't want to deal. And how does that

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<v Speaker 3>show up still to this day? Avoiding hard conversations. And

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<v Speaker 3>I tell people and I and this is my work

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<v Speaker 3>and I'm and I'm leaning into it and I've had

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<v Speaker 3>a lot of them lately. And Robin Sharma says, the

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<v Speaker 3>conversation you least want to have is the one you

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<v Speaker 3>need to have next. And man, it's a practice, even

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<v Speaker 3>even conversations around money.

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<v Speaker 2>Right.

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<v Speaker 3>A lot of my coaching that I've got coached on

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<v Speaker 3>is my energy around money. And it's just like breaking dysfunction,

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<v Speaker 3>right because our parents weren't given these tools and these

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<v Speaker 3>resources that we have today. So yeah, man, I'm I'm

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<v Speaker 3>so glad. I love these. I guess you call them

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<v Speaker 3>solo episodes where we don't have a guest because you know,

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<v Speaker 3>Darren and I just kind of flow. We don't have

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<v Speaker 3>a plan or a format. We have guests we want

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<v Speaker 3>to see and if it aligns, it aligns. But there's

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<v Speaker 3>so much that we can dive into. And honestly, for me,

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<v Speaker 3>this is like it's just selfish because it's super it's

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<v Speaker 3>healing for me. And I've shared it before, like, deep

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<v Speaker 3>meaningful relationships is a strong core value of mine and

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<v Speaker 3>the only way you can really have those is having deep,

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<v Speaker 3>meaningful conversations, and so any chance that I'm going to

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<v Speaker 3>get like, you know, a window with you with your

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<v Speaker 3>like crazy schedule, dude, I'm just like, let's let's drop in.

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<v Speaker 2>We don't need a guest, right man. This the flow

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<v Speaker 2>of this is so natural because I mean, it's our

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<v Speaker 2>own stories, it's our own experiences, and I'm just like you,

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<v Speaker 2>I fear conflict as well. And it's like, why do

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<v Speaker 2>we fear conflict? It's because when conflict takes place, I

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<v Speaker 2>fear that it's gonna I'm going to be found out

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<v Speaker 2>for being a fraud or like prof it being proven

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<v Speaker 2>that I'm not worthy of love. I'm not worthy of

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<v Speaker 2>the good things in my life. I'm not worthy of

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<v Speaker 2>what God is blessing me with. So by all means,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm looking to avoid conflict and you know, keep the peace,

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<v Speaker 2>save face in order to so, okay, these things are

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<v Speaker 2>going well externally. That means I'm good internally as opposed

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<v Speaker 2>to showing up, okay, showing up more than enough. And

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<v Speaker 2>but we don't we don't learn that. You know, through

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<v Speaker 2>through self abandoning, you can start to feel like for

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<v Speaker 2>me in high school, it was like I started to

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<v Speaker 2>self abandoned as far as looking for love and just

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<v Speaker 2>being desperate for attention and approval. The self abandoning started

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<v Speaker 2>to work. The self abandoning started to look like me

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<v Speaker 2>being around cooler people. The self abandoning looked like me

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<v Speaker 2>going all in on athletics as my identity and starting

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<v Speaker 2>to see things pay off for me. And that's like

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of people, you know, we can that carried

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<v Speaker 2>on to when I was in the league. I mean

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<v Speaker 2>there's you look at people that have had fifty million

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<v Speaker 2>in the bank and you know, blow their brains out,

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<v Speaker 2>you know what I'm saying. So it's we look at

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<v Speaker 2>things like that. It's like, how is that even possible.

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<v Speaker 2>It's because along the way, I made choices that pushed

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<v Speaker 2>who I was, what I loved to decide in order

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<v Speaker 2>for the dream that I've been sold by the world,

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<v Speaker 2>by society, by my parents, by my friends. And if

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<v Speaker 2>we continue to make those choices and build our lives

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<v Speaker 2>on self abandonment without conscious awareness, we're gonna end up

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<v Speaker 2>in this place where it's like, man, I thought this

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<v Speaker 2>was gonna feel better. I thought this money was gonna

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<v Speaker 2>make all my problems go away. I thought being with

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<v Speaker 2>this person or having the hottest Chicken school or whatever

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<v Speaker 2>it was gonna make me feel like the man when

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<v Speaker 2>if you look back at all the choices that you made,

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<v Speaker 2>it was, you know, at the expense of yourself, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>over extending yourself in ways that doesn't allow you to

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<v Speaker 2>approach life from a place of balance and from a

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<v Speaker 2>place of loving yourself first. And these are things that

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<v Speaker 2>I'm realizing in real time, you know, the struggles that

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<v Speaker 2>come in my marriage, struggles that come in you know,

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<v Speaker 2>in the workplace and wherever you know, at the root

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<v Speaker 2>of it, there's usually always some level of self abandonment

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<v Speaker 2>and the resentment and the bitterness that comes from abandoning myself.

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<v Speaker 3>Man, what you're saying is so relatable and so much

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<v Speaker 3>more profound for me personally than somebody dropping some knowledge

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<v Speaker 3>or research like that's I feel that so hard. And

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<v Speaker 3>I'm thinking back to me as this like brilliant, amazing

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<v Speaker 3>kid who starts to try to do everything to prove

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<v Speaker 3>my significance, to prove that, like you know, you know,

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<v Speaker 3>excuse me, that I that I matter right, And this

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<v Speaker 3>is how this is how I felt safe. It was

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<v Speaker 3>getting validation through external things. And what happens is so

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<v Speaker 3>we practice that our whole lives. And here we are

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<v Speaker 3>as adults with these these deep, deep rooted patterns, you know,

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<v Speaker 3>deep neural pathways with grooves in them that are really

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<v Speaker 3>hard to get out of. But Darren and I are

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<v Speaker 3>doing this podcast so that we can shine the light

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<v Speaker 3>of awareness onto things like share our shit and the

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<v Speaker 3>things we're going through. Like what you just said, I'm like, man,

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<v Speaker 3>this is what I need to hear every day, Like

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<v Speaker 3>this is the medicine, And you know, it excites me

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<v Speaker 3>to see how you can just so naturally drop in

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<v Speaker 3>and talk about this and you know, you'll never really

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<v Speaker 3>truly know how many people you're helping, and like it's

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<v Speaker 3>very clear to me that you're just getting started, you know.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, man, sometimes I feel like I'm just learning how

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<v Speaker 2>to walk again, you know. And for anybody that may

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<v Speaker 2>be starting to feel like you relate to this idea

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<v Speaker 2>of self abandonment, I encourage you not to shame yourself

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<v Speaker 2>because I align with it, like totally completely, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>since I was five years old, and it's not a problem.

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<v Speaker 2>There's nothing wrong with you to feel like you identify

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<v Speaker 2>with this. This is you know something that like I

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<v Speaker 2>said that we're taught, and we're not taught how to

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<v Speaker 2>love ourselves in school. We're not taught emotional intelligence in school,

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<v Speaker 2>we're not taught self care practices. So these are things

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<v Speaker 2>that we're all learning and that's just going to make

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<v Speaker 2>our lives better. That's going to make us more whole

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<v Speaker 2>human beings and come to the table in our relationships,

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<v Speaker 2>in our workplaces, in our friendships as the person that

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<v Speaker 2>we want to show up as as the people that

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<v Speaker 2>we've been waiting on. And So if you're looking for, like,

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<v Speaker 2>what are some relatable, you know, things that you can

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<v Speaker 2>be aware of that would be a sign of self abandonment,

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<v Speaker 2>I would start with low self esteem is one where

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<v Speaker 2>you feel like you're not good enough. It may be

0:12:50.133 --> 0:12:53.933
<v Speaker 2>poor boundaries, You don't feel like you can say no

0:12:54.093 --> 0:12:55.693
<v Speaker 2>to people. You feel like you always have to say

0:12:55.773 --> 0:13:00.013
<v Speaker 2>yes to get that thumbs up from somebody else. You

0:13:00.093 --> 0:13:03.573
<v Speaker 2>may feel dependent on somebody else for your own worth

0:13:03.613 --> 0:13:06.573
<v Speaker 2>and your own value. And a couple for me that

0:13:06.653 --> 0:13:11.173
<v Speaker 2>really stand out are fear of rejection and abandonment, and

0:13:11.173 --> 0:13:14.293
<v Speaker 2>then as well as fear of intimacy. And on the

0:13:14.293 --> 0:13:17.413
<v Speaker 2>fear of intimacy, it's almost like you know, I crave

0:13:17.493 --> 0:13:19.973
<v Speaker 2>deep intimacy. But at the same time, I want to

0:13:19.973 --> 0:13:23.453
<v Speaker 2>push it away. You know, I'm dying for it. At

0:13:23.453 --> 0:13:25.893
<v Speaker 2>the same time, I'm so afraid of it and afraid

0:13:25.893 --> 0:13:28.293
<v Speaker 2>of messing it up that I continue to find ways

0:13:28.293 --> 0:13:30.333
<v Speaker 2>to push it away. And I'm so afraid of that

0:13:30.373 --> 0:13:36.173
<v Speaker 2>potential judgment, rejection, and just being left exiled by myself.

0:13:36.693 --> 0:13:40.773
<v Speaker 2>And it's just so heavy. But I hope that these

0:13:40.813 --> 0:13:45.293
<v Speaker 2>things will allow you to begin this practice of awareness

0:13:45.293 --> 0:13:47.733
<v Speaker 2>in your life and see how these things are showing up.

0:13:48.053 --> 0:13:50.253
<v Speaker 2>Because when you start to see these things as they

0:13:50.253 --> 0:13:54.453
<v Speaker 2>arise in the moment, that's the growth. That's when you're winning.

0:13:54.573 --> 0:13:56.773
<v Speaker 2>That's when you're starting to see the change. Because until

0:13:56.773 --> 0:13:59.973
<v Speaker 2>we're aware of these things and how that self abandonment

0:14:00.013 --> 0:14:02.293
<v Speaker 2>shows up in our lives, it's tough for us to

0:14:02.293 --> 0:14:04.253
<v Speaker 2>get some momentum going. It's tough to get the tires

0:14:04.293 --> 0:14:06.253
<v Speaker 2>out of the mud. And we want to see you

0:14:06.293 --> 0:14:08.573
<v Speaker 2>guys back on the road, back on the path of

0:14:09.773 --> 0:14:11.893
<v Speaker 2>really flourishing and thriving in your lives.

0:14:13.213 --> 0:14:15.213
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, And if you've been following our show and listening

0:14:15.253 --> 0:14:17.333
<v Speaker 3>to all of our guests, I mean every guest just

0:14:17.453 --> 0:14:20.613
<v Speaker 3>drops some nugget that I hold on to and then

0:14:20.653 --> 0:14:22.853
<v Speaker 3>I pass along and then people are like, oh, that's

0:14:22.853 --> 0:14:25.773
<v Speaker 3>so profound. I'm like, it's not mine, Like nothing's mine,

0:14:26.213 --> 0:14:28.573
<v Speaker 3>there's no original thought anyways. You know, I just might

0:14:28.573 --> 0:14:31.813
<v Speaker 3>put my own little spin on it. But so many

0:14:32.093 --> 0:14:35.053
<v Speaker 3>just legends as far as like wisdom that I've learned

0:14:35.453 --> 0:14:38.013
<v Speaker 3>in our podcast, a lot of mine, when you're talking

0:14:38.053 --> 0:14:41.253
<v Speaker 3>about this, comes down to, you know, sitting with our

0:14:41.293 --> 0:14:47.573
<v Speaker 3>friend Don Bergeron who leads plant medicine ceremonies, and ultimately

0:14:47.613 --> 0:14:50.853
<v Speaker 3>getting to this place which I could never get to before.

0:14:50.973 --> 0:14:54.493
<v Speaker 3>So the reason that I did this was to gain

0:14:54.533 --> 0:14:58.053
<v Speaker 3>more spirituality and to get closer to God. And he

0:14:58.133 --> 0:15:00.453
<v Speaker 3>had asked me the question, he said, do you believe

0:15:00.493 --> 0:15:03.693
<v Speaker 3>that you are worthy of love? And I said yes?

0:15:03.933 --> 0:15:07.973
<v Speaker 3>And he's do you believe that you are love? And

0:15:08.013 --> 0:15:10.253
<v Speaker 3>I said yes, and I truly felt it in that moment.

0:15:10.693 --> 0:15:13.693
<v Speaker 3>And then we were talking about a certain situation that

0:15:13.773 --> 0:15:18.853
<v Speaker 3>I was like, really not surrendering the outcome, and he

0:15:18.933 --> 0:15:21.093
<v Speaker 3>just basically said, if it's not going to be this,

0:15:21.733 --> 0:15:24.973
<v Speaker 3>it's going to be something better because you're worthy of it.

0:15:25.373 --> 0:15:27.453
<v Speaker 3>And so you if you know that you're worthy of it,

0:15:27.533 --> 0:15:30.773
<v Speaker 3>you don't have to sacrifice for anybody or anything, and

0:15:31.453 --> 0:15:34.453
<v Speaker 3>anybody that comes into your life and sees that, like,

0:15:34.493 --> 0:15:37.093
<v Speaker 3>if you're seen from that place, you know you're going

0:15:37.173 --> 0:15:39.053
<v Speaker 3>to attract the right people. So I just think this

0:15:39.333 --> 0:15:42.773
<v Speaker 3>self abandonment cycle, it gets activated off like years of

0:15:42.853 --> 0:15:47.213
<v Speaker 3>pent up feelings of not feeling seen or appreciated, which

0:15:47.333 --> 0:15:50.733
<v Speaker 3>might be total bullshit, but we've been telling ourselves that story,

0:15:51.013 --> 0:15:52.813
<v Speaker 3>and so then they come they start to come out

0:15:52.853 --> 0:15:57.533
<v Speaker 3>sideways in our adult relationships. And I will tell this

0:15:57.573 --> 0:16:00.653
<v Speaker 3>story and I'm not afraid, like I have. A person

0:16:00.733 --> 0:16:02.853
<v Speaker 3>asked me at my retreat. They said, Donnie, do you

0:16:02.933 --> 0:16:05.973
<v Speaker 3>like handle your situation when you get in a conflict

0:16:06.053 --> 0:16:09.093
<v Speaker 3>with a partner or a parent or a family member?

0:16:09.093 --> 0:16:11.173
<v Speaker 3>Do you just like talk the way you're talking now?

0:16:11.213 --> 0:16:14.093
<v Speaker 3>And you know, it's just it's it's funny, because no,

0:16:14.213 --> 0:16:18.053
<v Speaker 3>I don't. Sometimes I turn into a five year old kid,

0:16:18.093 --> 0:16:21.613
<v Speaker 3>and that's literally what's happening, you know. So it's understanding

0:16:21.653 --> 0:16:24.453
<v Speaker 3>that and making sure that it doesn't start to come

0:16:24.493 --> 0:16:28.813
<v Speaker 3>out as resentment or irritability or we're annoyed. Right, It's

0:16:28.853 --> 0:16:31.653
<v Speaker 3>kind of like this little bullshit protest behavior I think

0:16:31.653 --> 0:16:33.493
<v Speaker 3>they call it, you know, trying to make the other

0:16:33.573 --> 0:16:37.053
<v Speaker 3>person feel guilty or blaming them, you know, or shaming

0:16:37.093 --> 0:16:40.293
<v Speaker 3>them if we're not happy, so we're not feeling fully seen,

0:16:40.373 --> 0:16:42.973
<v Speaker 3>right and then so we prochecked it out. The bottom

0:16:43.013 --> 0:16:46.493
<v Speaker 3>line is like it's all about figuring it out and

0:16:46.573 --> 0:16:49.213
<v Speaker 3>knowing that we're the only person that can give us this,

0:16:49.333 --> 0:16:52.293
<v Speaker 3>nobody else. And if you keep trying, even though if

0:16:52.293 --> 0:16:55.373
<v Speaker 3>you know that truth, if you keep trying the other way,

0:16:55.493 --> 0:16:57.853
<v Speaker 3>like you're the only one that can give you whatever

0:16:57.853 --> 0:17:00.933
<v Speaker 3>you're looking for. So like whatever you got to do

0:17:01.013 --> 0:17:03.573
<v Speaker 3>to surrender to that and do the work to trust

0:17:03.653 --> 0:17:05.693
<v Speaker 3>that and find what ever God that you believe in

0:17:06.013 --> 0:17:07.493
<v Speaker 3>that's going to get you to that place.

0:17:09.573 --> 0:17:11.213
<v Speaker 2>Man, you get that had nail on the head on

0:17:11.293 --> 0:17:13.613
<v Speaker 2>so many things right there. I mean, you talk about

0:17:13.733 --> 0:17:15.453
<v Speaker 2>we're the only ones that can give us what we're

0:17:15.453 --> 0:17:17.293
<v Speaker 2>looking for. We can go to the ends of the

0:17:17.333 --> 0:17:20.733
<v Speaker 2>earth searching for things thinking that they can give us

0:17:20.733 --> 0:17:27.853
<v Speaker 2>what we're looking for. You know, money, romance, success, like

0:17:27.893 --> 0:17:31.533
<v Speaker 2>whatever the metric may be, it's all in empty longing.

0:17:32.013 --> 0:17:34.693
<v Speaker 2>And you know what you also said that I think

0:17:34.773 --> 0:17:37.173
<v Speaker 2>is so profound is that feeling like you need to

0:17:37.253 --> 0:17:42.573
<v Speaker 2>sacrifice yourself who you are. And that's a reality for me,

0:17:42.653 --> 0:17:43.813
<v Speaker 2>and I feel like for a lot of people that

0:17:43.813 --> 0:17:46.053
<v Speaker 2>are listening, like I felt like I had no choice

0:17:46.093 --> 0:17:50.213
<v Speaker 2>but to sacrifice myself or else I would just be

0:17:50.533 --> 0:17:52.733
<v Speaker 2>alone my whole life. I would nobody would want anything

0:17:52.733 --> 0:17:55.173
<v Speaker 2>to do with me. Women wouldn't want me, nobody would

0:17:55.213 --> 0:17:57.453
<v Speaker 2>think I was cool enough to just hang around and

0:17:58.373 --> 0:18:00.093
<v Speaker 2>kick it with. I felt like I had no choice

0:18:00.093 --> 0:18:03.053
<v Speaker 2>as that little kid, when really today, I feel like

0:18:03.093 --> 0:18:07.853
<v Speaker 2>the ultimate goal is to find a balance between standing

0:18:07.893 --> 0:18:12.213
<v Speaker 2>in my truth, knowing who I am, not sacrificing my needs,

0:18:12.373 --> 0:18:16.773
<v Speaker 2>my wants, what makes me feel alive, while at the

0:18:16.773 --> 0:18:21.893
<v Speaker 2>same time not going extreme with like not wanting to

0:18:21.893 --> 0:18:24.613
<v Speaker 2>please people at all. Like it's the balance between being

0:18:24.653 --> 0:18:28.133
<v Speaker 2>who I am, being authentically myself while also wanting desiring

0:18:28.173 --> 0:18:30.973
<v Speaker 2>to impact people in a positive way but not just

0:18:31.053 --> 0:18:33.893
<v Speaker 2>one or the other, not not impacting people at the

0:18:33.893 --> 0:18:37.293
<v Speaker 2>expense of myself, and not being so fixated in the

0:18:37.333 --> 0:18:41.173
<v Speaker 2>truth that I just use the truth as a weapon

0:18:41.213 --> 0:18:43.253
<v Speaker 2>on people. You know. It's that balance, and it's such

0:18:43.293 --> 0:18:44.813
<v Speaker 2>a tough place to get. I don't think we ever

0:18:44.973 --> 0:18:47.773
<v Speaker 2>fully get there or just arrived to that point and

0:18:47.813 --> 0:18:51.013
<v Speaker 2>it's like all right, like I'm here, I'm enlightened. I've

0:18:51.013 --> 0:18:54.333
<v Speaker 2>got this thing figured out. It's always work, it's always

0:18:54.413 --> 0:18:57.973
<v Speaker 2>constant awareness, it's always you know, being anchored in our

0:18:58.053 --> 0:19:02.453
<v Speaker 2>practices because the minute I'm not aware, the minute I'm

0:19:02.453 --> 0:19:07.733
<v Speaker 2>not conscious of of my desire to sacrifice in order

0:19:07.733 --> 0:19:10.573
<v Speaker 2>to feel okay, I'm gonna be right back in the pattern.

0:19:10.973 --> 0:19:17.253
<v Speaker 2>And that over self sacrificing was such a part of

0:19:17.293 --> 0:19:19.973
<v Speaker 2>my reality for so long that you get to a

0:19:19.973 --> 0:19:22.413
<v Speaker 2>point where you don't even you're not even able to

0:19:22.453 --> 0:19:26.693
<v Speaker 2>tell that you know, the difference between the self sacrificing

0:19:26.773 --> 0:19:28.933
<v Speaker 2>version of yourself and the person you really are, Like

0:19:29.053 --> 0:19:31.493
<v Speaker 2>I would just sacrifice and think that that was me

0:19:31.693 --> 0:19:35.693
<v Speaker 2>and not even challenge it and not even question it. So, yeah,

0:19:35.693 --> 0:19:38.733
<v Speaker 2>we just want to offer an extent compassion and love

0:19:38.813 --> 0:19:41.013
<v Speaker 2>to all you guys as we go about this, and

0:19:41.053 --> 0:19:43.173
<v Speaker 2>we talk about this because it's real in our lives

0:19:43.253 --> 0:19:45.813
<v Speaker 2>and we know to some extent it's real in you

0:19:45.853 --> 0:19:48.333
<v Speaker 2>guys as well. But there is a solution, There is

0:19:48.373 --> 0:19:48.693
<v Speaker 2>a way.

0:19:50.013 --> 0:19:52.373
<v Speaker 3>There's a way, and you can't do it alone. And

0:19:52.413 --> 0:19:54.813
<v Speaker 3>if you are kind of feeling like you're doing it alone,

0:19:55.573 --> 0:19:57.573
<v Speaker 3>there are so many recent if you can't afford a

0:19:57.613 --> 0:20:01.693
<v Speaker 3>coach or a therapist. First, I would ask, like if

0:20:01.693 --> 0:20:04.293
<v Speaker 3>that's really true, and where you're spending your money and

0:20:04.293 --> 0:20:08.173
<v Speaker 3>where you're placing your value, because I mean, when shit

0:20:08.253 --> 0:20:10.933
<v Speaker 3>gets bad enough, you'll pay for a therapist if you

0:20:10.973 --> 0:20:13.053
<v Speaker 3>need it, you know, But we want to be proactive

0:20:13.093 --> 0:20:16.173
<v Speaker 3>on that. But I think it's it's just you know,

0:20:16.253 --> 0:20:18.453
<v Speaker 3>I think it's a lot of shining the light of

0:20:18.493 --> 0:20:21.133
<v Speaker 3>awareness because if if all of these things we're talking about,

0:20:21.133 --> 0:20:25.453
<v Speaker 3>like if you don't realize that you're actually angry at

0:20:25.493 --> 0:20:28.973
<v Speaker 3>yourself and actually these these broken down systems that actually

0:20:28.973 --> 0:20:31.493
<v Speaker 3>taught you to behave this way, you know, for for

0:20:31.573 --> 0:20:35.573
<v Speaker 3>actually overgiving this is like ownership. You know, Darren, we

0:20:35.613 --> 0:20:38.093
<v Speaker 3>talk about this all the time, and you're listening right now,

0:20:38.133 --> 0:20:40.693
<v Speaker 3>and you might have you might be going through some shit,

0:20:40.893 --> 0:20:43.053
<v Speaker 3>like a lot of shit, like maybe you feel like

0:20:44.133 --> 0:20:47.853
<v Speaker 3>nobody's ever experienced the level of whatever pain and trauma

0:20:47.893 --> 0:20:52.573
<v Speaker 3>you're going through and and just understanding that, like there

0:20:52.733 --> 0:20:56.293
<v Speaker 3>we are talking about this to to to bankrupt that story.

0:20:57.053 --> 0:20:59.293
<v Speaker 3>And the reason we're doing this, the reason Darren and

0:20:59.333 --> 0:21:03.293
<v Speaker 3>I are talking right now is because of pain. It's

0:21:03.333 --> 0:21:06.453
<v Speaker 3>because of of but it's also these broken down systems

0:21:06.493 --> 0:21:08.653
<v Speaker 3>that we had and it's why we talked so much

0:21:08.693 --> 0:21:11.853
<v Speaker 3>about a lot of this work. When you can shift

0:21:11.893 --> 0:21:15.973
<v Speaker 3>to like undoing and unlearning and letting go and not acquiring,

0:21:17.053 --> 0:21:20.133
<v Speaker 3>it's just it's just freeing ourselves from all of this stuff.

0:21:20.133 --> 0:21:22.533
<v Speaker 3>It's like in the Four Agreements of really, you know,

0:21:22.653 --> 0:21:25.093
<v Speaker 3>we agree upon these certain things when we were younger,

0:21:25.133 --> 0:21:28.013
<v Speaker 3>and it's so outdated these days, right, So we have

0:21:28.093 --> 0:21:30.813
<v Speaker 3>to we have to get clear and write our own

0:21:30.853 --> 0:21:34.773
<v Speaker 3>tenants for our life today. Otherwise you're just like you're

0:21:34.813 --> 0:21:37.853
<v Speaker 3>living a life that I don't know whose story might

0:21:37.933 --> 0:21:40.213
<v Speaker 3>it might be. It might be one of your parents,

0:21:40.253 --> 0:21:44.013
<v Speaker 3>it might be one your third grade boyfriend who said

0:21:44.053 --> 0:21:46.213
<v Speaker 3>you weren't pretty and you ran with it and have

0:21:46.253 --> 0:21:49.493
<v Speaker 3>been telling yourself you're not enough since. But I think

0:21:49.573 --> 0:21:53.613
<v Speaker 3>I just want to come back to being balanced and

0:21:53.733 --> 0:21:57.133
<v Speaker 3>compassion but also like take ownership of your life. I'm

0:21:57.173 --> 0:22:00.133
<v Speaker 3>telling you, when you stop blaming everybody else, even if

0:22:00.173 --> 0:22:03.293
<v Speaker 3>somebody really did some damage to you, to be able

0:22:03.333 --> 0:22:07.573
<v Speaker 3>to see it as an opportunityy to heal and maybe

0:22:07.573 --> 0:22:10.573
<v Speaker 3>help others through it or find a way. Because you

0:22:10.613 --> 0:22:13.453
<v Speaker 3>know that person who hurts you, they're not thinking about

0:22:13.493 --> 0:22:15.573
<v Speaker 3>you every day the way you're thinking about them. So

0:22:16.373 --> 0:22:20.133
<v Speaker 3>free yourself from that. Do yourself a favor, and you

0:22:20.133 --> 0:22:21.893
<v Speaker 3>know there's ways that you can do that you can

0:22:21.893 --> 0:22:24.613
<v Speaker 3>get on the internet, and there's amazing stuff I was

0:22:24.653 --> 0:22:28.453
<v Speaker 3>thinking about early on as a coach, even this exercise

0:22:28.493 --> 0:22:30.253
<v Speaker 3>like what we talked about today, right like I didn't

0:22:30.413 --> 0:22:31.973
<v Speaker 3>I kind of wanted to learn a little bit more

0:22:32.013 --> 0:22:34.613
<v Speaker 3>about it. I know I do it, like that's obvious,

0:22:34.733 --> 0:22:37.733
<v Speaker 3>but I don't have like a specific coaching exercise, and

0:22:37.773 --> 0:22:39.973
<v Speaker 3>so it was fun to kind of dive in and

0:22:40.093 --> 0:22:42.333
<v Speaker 3>understand this. I did this early as a coach, where

0:22:42.373 --> 0:22:45.533
<v Speaker 3>like maybe when I first started, somebody talked about boundaries

0:22:45.573 --> 0:22:48.373
<v Speaker 3>and I'm like, oh, like we'll get that next Well,

0:22:48.453 --> 0:22:51.053
<v Speaker 3>let's dive into that next session. And then I wasn't

0:22:51.093 --> 0:22:53.053
<v Speaker 3>really prepared with a session or felt like I had

0:22:53.093 --> 0:22:55.533
<v Speaker 3>the knowledge to teach it. But then I would dive

0:22:55.533 --> 0:22:57.613
<v Speaker 3>in and just re like go on the first page

0:22:57.613 --> 0:22:59.853
<v Speaker 3>of Google and you won't get past the first page

0:22:59.973 --> 0:23:04.253
<v Speaker 3>of just like amazing content. So my point is is

0:23:04.293 --> 0:23:07.093
<v Speaker 3>like you might be making some excuse, but the resources

0:23:07.093 --> 0:23:11.653
<v Speaker 3>are there. You just have to be willing to take

0:23:11.693 --> 0:23:12.293
<v Speaker 3>a little action.

0:23:13.413 --> 0:23:16.413
<v Speaker 2>Hm. That's always the answer. And I don't know if

0:23:16.413 --> 0:23:19.813
<v Speaker 2>you're like me, But I've always wanted a path that

0:23:20.013 --> 0:23:23.253
<v Speaker 2>didn't take action, to where the answer could fall right

0:23:23.253 --> 0:23:27.853
<v Speaker 2>into my lap without me having to do anything or

0:23:29.053 --> 0:23:31.173
<v Speaker 2>stand up to anything, or deal with any type of

0:23:31.173 --> 0:23:35.533
<v Speaker 2>conflict or conversation. So that's a real thing. And uh,

0:23:35.893 --> 0:23:39.093
<v Speaker 2>something that you just said that I loved. I'm reading

0:23:39.573 --> 0:23:44.093
<v Speaker 2>Michael Gervais's book Shout Out to to Doughter g Yeah,

0:23:44.413 --> 0:23:46.693
<v Speaker 2>and it's talking to the theme of the book is, uh,

0:23:46.773 --> 0:23:49.213
<v Speaker 2>you know, stop worrying about what other people are thinking

0:23:49.253 --> 0:23:52.653
<v Speaker 2>of you and the idea of FOPO. And he has

0:23:52.693 --> 0:23:55.333
<v Speaker 2>this section in the book talking about the spotlight effect

0:23:55.933 --> 0:23:58.453
<v Speaker 2>and how like we as people, we shine the spotlight

0:23:58.493 --> 0:24:02.733
<v Speaker 2>on ourselves and we think other people are judging us

0:24:02.733 --> 0:24:05.773
<v Speaker 2>so hard and strictly in way that we're judging ourselves,

0:24:05.813 --> 0:24:09.493
<v Speaker 2>when really these people are so caught up in how

0:24:09.533 --> 0:24:14.333
<v Speaker 2>they look, how they feel, what they're afraid of, how

0:24:14.333 --> 0:24:15.813
<v Speaker 2>they're going to get through their day, how they're going

0:24:15.933 --> 0:24:20.533
<v Speaker 2>to perform at their job. And there's to the extent

0:24:20.573 --> 0:24:23.013
<v Speaker 2>that we think people are thinking about us, they are

0:24:23.093 --> 0:24:26.053
<v Speaker 2>it's not even close like they're thinking about themselves and

0:24:26.093 --> 0:24:28.413
<v Speaker 2>how they're they're just going to get by how they

0:24:28.413 --> 0:24:31.813
<v Speaker 2>feel like they're self abandoning, you know. So it's this

0:24:31.973 --> 0:24:36.493
<v Speaker 2>idea of it's not about showing up for them, it's

0:24:36.533 --> 0:24:42.333
<v Speaker 2>not about doing anything for somebody else, it's doing it

0:24:42.333 --> 0:24:45.493
<v Speaker 2>for ourselves. And what I've learned is the people in

0:24:45.493 --> 0:24:48.133
<v Speaker 2>my life, the people that love me unconditionally, they want

0:24:48.133 --> 0:24:51.653
<v Speaker 2>the real me. They want my truest self, whether it's

0:24:52.293 --> 0:24:55.213
<v Speaker 2>it isn't the greatest thing in the world to hear

0:24:55.853 --> 0:24:58.973
<v Speaker 2>or it's the most amazing feeling in the world to hear,

0:24:59.093 --> 0:25:03.373
<v Speaker 2>but showing up as our truer selves, that's what people

0:25:03.413 --> 0:25:06.413
<v Speaker 2>are from us, and that's what ultimately we want from

0:25:06.453 --> 0:25:10.653
<v Speaker 2>ourselves desperately, you know, all the time to commandon we're

0:25:11.173 --> 0:25:14.053
<v Speaker 2>you know, giving our power away, giving our peace away.

0:25:14.493 --> 0:25:17.813
<v Speaker 2>And that thing that we feel inside that just doesn't

0:25:17.853 --> 0:25:21.013
<v Speaker 2>feel right, that's our spirit yelling out like, hey, like

0:25:22.093 --> 0:25:25.333
<v Speaker 2>this this ain't it? Like Like when are you going

0:25:25.413 --> 0:25:28.133
<v Speaker 2>to start to do things for us in here? When

0:25:28.133 --> 0:25:30.453
<v Speaker 2>you're gonna start to do things for your inner child

0:25:30.533 --> 0:25:33.253
<v Speaker 2>that that younger version of you that's so desperately just

0:25:33.293 --> 0:25:36.373
<v Speaker 2>wanted to show up and say this is me. But

0:25:36.973 --> 0:25:40.133
<v Speaker 2>you know, things happened and it's it's okay. That those

0:25:40.173 --> 0:25:42.413
<v Speaker 2>things happen. And it's okay that you feel the way

0:25:42.413 --> 0:25:46.253
<v Speaker 2>that you feel today, but we cannot stay here, like

0:25:46.293 --> 0:25:48.413
<v Speaker 2>Donnie said, we have to take action that we cannot

0:25:48.493 --> 0:25:51.773
<v Speaker 2>choose to stay here or a time will come where

0:25:52.253 --> 0:25:54.973
<v Speaker 2>we're approaching our last breath and we'll look back on

0:25:55.013 --> 0:25:58.293
<v Speaker 2>our lives and uh and there might be a regretted

0:25:58.333 --> 0:26:01.333
<v Speaker 2>to And by no means do we want that to happen.

0:26:01.373 --> 0:26:03.133
<v Speaker 2>We want to. We want to be able to just

0:26:03.173 --> 0:26:04.093
<v Speaker 2>come back to who we are.

0:26:06.133 --> 0:26:09.693
<v Speaker 3>Dude, so much there I feel like when we get

0:26:09.733 --> 0:26:13.573
<v Speaker 3>caught in this self abandonment cycle, we don't realize. Like

0:26:13.653 --> 0:26:17.653
<v Speaker 3>everything you're saying is that we're blocking ourselves from receiving love,

0:26:17.773 --> 0:26:20.213
<v Speaker 3>care and kindness and support and all of these things,

0:26:20.613 --> 0:26:23.853
<v Speaker 3>not only from ourselves but from everybody else. It's so

0:26:24.853 --> 0:26:27.773
<v Speaker 3>whether you know a lot about the subconscious and conscious mind,

0:26:28.093 --> 0:26:31.413
<v Speaker 3>you can just even google that and understand the difference

0:26:31.453 --> 0:26:34.213
<v Speaker 3>and understand that if you can't get a grip on

0:26:34.253 --> 0:26:39.093
<v Speaker 3>the subconscious mind, So just really basic, your subconscious mind,

0:26:39.373 --> 0:26:43.493
<v Speaker 3>they say these days it hijacks ninety percent of your life.

0:26:43.533 --> 0:26:45.693
<v Speaker 3>So so it's when you're in your mind, you're thinking,

0:26:45.773 --> 0:26:48.813
<v Speaker 3>you're you're not in your body. That is where the

0:26:48.853 --> 0:26:53.053
<v Speaker 3>subconscious is. And they say that that is formed from

0:26:53.053 --> 0:26:57.293
<v Speaker 3>ages zero to seven, So it's conditioning. It's things that

0:26:57.453 --> 0:27:00.213
<v Speaker 3>like you don't even remember that are happening that have

0:27:00.333 --> 0:27:03.333
<v Speaker 3>hijacked your whole life. I don't remember a lot from

0:27:03.373 --> 0:27:06.333
<v Speaker 3>those ages, but that's what's running the show. So you

0:27:06.493 --> 0:27:09.293
<v Speaker 3>have to take a step back and understand what is

0:27:09.373 --> 0:27:13.413
<v Speaker 3>all this old narrative and these old stories, and then

0:27:13.773 --> 0:27:16.293
<v Speaker 3>how what are the practices? What do I need to

0:27:16.333 --> 0:27:20.933
<v Speaker 3>do to first get willing to dig it out and

0:27:20.973 --> 0:27:23.453
<v Speaker 3>do whatever it takes to like free yourself from it?

0:27:23.933 --> 0:27:26.853
<v Speaker 3>And then I think that's like our purpose, right if

0:27:26.853 --> 0:27:29.613
<v Speaker 3>you really want to simplify your life, just free yourself.

0:27:32.013 --> 0:27:37.453
<v Speaker 2>So when you say free yourself, that may seem overwhelming

0:27:37.493 --> 0:27:39.693
<v Speaker 2>to somebody that's listening right now, Like you, what would

0:27:39.733 --> 0:27:43.133
<v Speaker 2>you give as like the first step, like a practical

0:27:43.173 --> 0:27:45.453
<v Speaker 2>thing that somebody can start tonight before they go to

0:27:45.453 --> 0:27:48.453
<v Speaker 2>bed or when they wake up in the morning, like

0:27:48.973 --> 0:27:51.293
<v Speaker 2>to be on that track to freeing themselves, to be

0:27:51.373 --> 0:27:54.893
<v Speaker 2>on that track to coming back to their truest, most

0:27:54.893 --> 0:27:58.533
<v Speaker 2>authentic self. Like what's a just something that somebody can

0:27:58.573 --> 0:27:59.853
<v Speaker 2>just take that first step forward?

0:28:01.053 --> 0:28:03.493
<v Speaker 3>Well, as you were asking that, what I did was

0:28:03.533 --> 0:28:06.373
<v Speaker 3>I took a deep breath, and for me, that is

0:28:06.493 --> 0:28:09.893
<v Speaker 3>like what brings me back into my body. And you

0:28:09.973 --> 0:28:12.493
<v Speaker 3>might say, okay, so just take a deep breath. Well

0:28:13.013 --> 0:28:15.733
<v Speaker 3>start there. If that's as intimate as you are with

0:28:15.773 --> 0:28:18.453
<v Speaker 3>your breath, is you'll take one deep breath a day.

0:28:18.493 --> 0:28:21.253
<v Speaker 3>But I'm telling you, at some point you're going to

0:28:21.373 --> 0:28:23.533
<v Speaker 3>understand that like when you can grab a hold of

0:28:23.533 --> 0:28:26.173
<v Speaker 3>your breath and you have practices, whether it's you know,

0:28:26.173 --> 0:28:28.133
<v Speaker 3>because you can control your breath. And that's why I

0:28:28.173 --> 0:28:30.893
<v Speaker 3>love teaching yoga and kind of dancing with the breath

0:28:30.893 --> 0:28:33.053
<v Speaker 3>where you can connect the breath and the mind and

0:28:33.493 --> 0:28:36.813
<v Speaker 3>body together as one, you know, so it becomes like

0:28:36.893 --> 0:28:41.053
<v Speaker 3>this dance. But yeah, I mean I could go on.

0:28:41.333 --> 0:28:43.293
<v Speaker 3>There's there's something I want to circle back to because

0:28:43.293 --> 0:28:45.613
<v Speaker 3>I don't want to lose it. You talked about carrying

0:28:45.653 --> 0:28:48.733
<v Speaker 3>what other people think, the fact that Michael gervea a

0:28:48.813 --> 0:28:53.253
<v Speaker 3>human performance like guru, that he would write his book

0:28:53.413 --> 0:28:56.413
<v Speaker 3>and take time focusing because he works with so many athletes.

0:28:56.653 --> 0:28:59.813
<v Speaker 3>Carrying what other people think is like and he was

0:28:59.853 --> 0:29:01.773
<v Speaker 3>the one that said carrying what other people think is

0:29:01.773 --> 0:29:05.533
<v Speaker 3>the modern days saber tooth Tiger. So shout out to

0:29:05.573 --> 0:29:07.333
<v Speaker 3>Michael Jerma. He said he'd come back on, So we'll

0:29:07.333 --> 0:29:09.093
<v Speaker 3>get him back on to promote the book and talk

0:29:09.133 --> 0:29:12.693
<v Speaker 3>about it. And I mean, this is what we're talking about.

0:29:12.733 --> 0:29:15.373
<v Speaker 3>So much of it comes rooted in carrying what other

0:29:15.413 --> 0:29:16.293
<v Speaker 3>people think.

0:29:17.013 --> 0:29:21.853
<v Speaker 2>No doubt, and I feel like adding to what you

0:29:22.013 --> 0:29:25.613
<v Speaker 2>just said, the best way to begin on this journey

0:29:25.933 --> 0:29:30.213
<v Speaker 2>of no longer choosing to self abandon is looking directly

0:29:30.253 --> 0:29:35.253
<v Speaker 2>at your self care practices, like the smallest things of

0:29:35.293 --> 0:29:38.133
<v Speaker 2>your day, like when you wake up, Like what are

0:29:38.173 --> 0:29:42.093
<v Speaker 2>you doing that is catered towards your well being, towards

0:29:42.093 --> 0:29:46.653
<v Speaker 2>your peace, towards you know, how you want to live

0:29:46.693 --> 0:29:48.773
<v Speaker 2>your life that day? And that fuck it starts with

0:29:49.573 --> 0:29:52.253
<v Speaker 2>some type of meditation practice, some type of breathing practice

0:29:52.293 --> 0:29:58.053
<v Speaker 2>to center yourself. What about journaling are you finding a

0:29:58.093 --> 0:30:00.093
<v Speaker 2>way to if it's not journaling, just a way to

0:30:00.293 --> 0:30:04.013
<v Speaker 2>express what you're thinking, what you're feeling in the course

0:30:04.013 --> 0:30:06.133
<v Speaker 2>of a day, Like what you're proud of yourself for

0:30:06.933 --> 0:30:10.453
<v Speaker 2>situations that you wish you could have responded to better?

0:30:10.533 --> 0:30:13.413
<v Speaker 2>Like what are the ways in which we're getting those

0:30:13.453 --> 0:30:18.773
<v Speaker 2>things out? Things as simple as hydrating choosing to keep

0:30:18.773 --> 0:30:22.773
<v Speaker 2>yourself hydrated is a way to fuel your body and

0:30:23.053 --> 0:30:24.613
<v Speaker 2>is an act of self care. Is an act of

0:30:24.653 --> 0:30:28.173
<v Speaker 2>saying I am valuable, I'm worth it, so I'm going

0:30:28.213 --> 0:30:32.253
<v Speaker 2>to take care of everything that is me. Another thing is,

0:30:33.213 --> 0:30:35.133
<v Speaker 2>even if it's for five to ten minutes today, are

0:30:35.173 --> 0:30:37.413
<v Speaker 2>you taking the chance to do something that you enjoy,

0:30:37.653 --> 0:30:40.413
<v Speaker 2>to allow yourself to be in a playful state, to

0:30:40.453 --> 0:30:44.573
<v Speaker 2>allow you to be excited about what you're doing and

0:30:44.693 --> 0:30:47.493
<v Speaker 2>just take a break and smile and laugh and dance

0:30:47.573 --> 0:30:50.453
<v Speaker 2>whatever it may be, Like, how are you structuring that

0:30:50.493 --> 0:30:53.653
<v Speaker 2>into your day? And at the end of the day,

0:30:53.653 --> 0:30:57.453
<v Speaker 2>I don't think we can outrun sleep ever, So it's

0:30:57.493 --> 0:30:59.653
<v Speaker 2>just like simple things that we can start to implement

0:30:59.693 --> 0:31:02.413
<v Speaker 2>in our day that we don't even know are subconsciously

0:31:02.493 --> 0:31:07.453
<v Speaker 2>reinforcing the fact that I value myself. I'm gonna do

0:31:07.533 --> 0:31:11.533
<v Speaker 2>the necessary things to show up and to allow myself

0:31:11.573 --> 0:31:15.093
<v Speaker 2>to function in my highest vibration. And like Donnie says,

0:31:15.293 --> 0:31:17.893
<v Speaker 2>the non negotiables and keeping the promises that you make

0:31:17.933 --> 0:31:21.653
<v Speaker 2>to yourself, those things go a long way, those subtle messages,

0:31:21.813 --> 0:31:25.173
<v Speaker 2>because then those start to translate into relationships where it's

0:31:25.213 --> 0:31:28.773
<v Speaker 2>like I'm making the choices to value myself, because then

0:31:28.933 --> 0:31:31.293
<v Speaker 2>once I can start to see the reality of when

0:31:31.293 --> 0:31:35.053
<v Speaker 2>I start to value myself, I am then able to

0:31:35.093 --> 0:31:38.373
<v Speaker 2>pour into somebody else. You know, if my cup isn't full,

0:31:38.933 --> 0:31:41.613
<v Speaker 2>how I'm gonna be pouring nothing into somebody else, like

0:31:41.853 --> 0:31:45.333
<v Speaker 2>literally nothing, And you know, and then we could possibly

0:31:45.373 --> 0:31:47.973
<v Speaker 2>get to the point where, you know, I fill my

0:31:47.973 --> 0:31:50.133
<v Speaker 2>cup up so much that somebody may come up and

0:31:50.173 --> 0:31:53.733
<v Speaker 2>need to drink themselves and I'm able to give that

0:31:53.773 --> 0:31:57.413
<v Speaker 2>to them because I've poured so much into myself and

0:31:57.813 --> 0:31:59.853
<v Speaker 2>having myself to be in a position where it's healthy

0:31:59.853 --> 0:32:02.453
<v Speaker 2>for me to give I found myself in so many

0:32:02.493 --> 0:32:07.733
<v Speaker 2>situations relationships work where I pour so much into other people.

0:32:08.453 --> 0:32:11.333
<v Speaker 2>You know, you look back at the cup, there's nothing

0:32:11.413 --> 0:32:14.173
<v Speaker 2>for me there, and that's not the way that we

0:32:14.213 --> 0:32:16.933
<v Speaker 2>want to live. And so I went pretty far down

0:32:16.933 --> 0:32:20.893
<v Speaker 2>the road as far as explaining what self care could

0:32:20.933 --> 0:32:23.933
<v Speaker 2>lead to and lay the foundation for. But to get

0:32:23.933 --> 0:32:26.293
<v Speaker 2>back just to the practicality of it, and the basics

0:32:26.413 --> 0:32:28.893
<v Speaker 2>is the choices that you make in your day and

0:32:28.933 --> 0:32:32.533
<v Speaker 2>the things that you do to add value to yourself,

0:32:32.613 --> 0:32:37.293
<v Speaker 2>to fuel yourself to choose a greater wellbeing for yourself.

0:32:37.373 --> 0:32:40.813
<v Speaker 2>Those things go such a long way in the direction

0:32:40.853 --> 0:32:41.493
<v Speaker 2>that you're trying to go.

0:32:43.653 --> 0:32:46.413
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I would just add I mean, you nailed it all.

0:32:46.453 --> 0:32:49.053
<v Speaker 3>There's a couple questions for all the people pleasers out there,

0:32:49.053 --> 0:32:52.693
<v Speaker 3>like myself asking that question, like is there perfection is

0:32:52.693 --> 0:32:56.893
<v Speaker 3>in people pleasing or codependent thinking at the root of

0:32:56.933 --> 0:32:59.733
<v Speaker 3>this act of giving that I'm doing, Like, that's a

0:32:59.773 --> 0:33:02.333
<v Speaker 3>big one, Like what's my intention? Am I saying I

0:33:02.413 --> 0:33:03.853
<v Speaker 3>love you to hear I love you back? Or am

0:33:03.893 --> 0:33:06.533
<v Speaker 3>I saying I love you because my heart is feeling it? Like?

0:33:06.853 --> 0:33:09.533
<v Speaker 3>What is your intention? And then the other one is

0:33:09.573 --> 0:33:14.293
<v Speaker 3>like am I giving with the desire of trying to

0:33:14.533 --> 0:33:17.533
<v Speaker 3>get someone else to think or feel a certain way

0:33:17.573 --> 0:33:20.733
<v Speaker 3>about me? You know? It's like those that's all I

0:33:20.813 --> 0:33:24.133
<v Speaker 3>did my whole life, my whole life growing up as

0:33:24.133 --> 0:33:26.093
<v Speaker 3>a kid. It was just like so I was so

0:33:26.253 --> 0:33:28.933
<v Speaker 3>concerned and so you know, as I say that as

0:33:28.973 --> 0:33:32.933
<v Speaker 3>we wrap up this episode, this is deep conditioning, so

0:33:33.253 --> 0:33:35.933
<v Speaker 3>meaning we have to be patient, we have to be compassionate.

0:33:36.013 --> 0:33:38.493
<v Speaker 3>This is deep rooted. There's nothing wrong with you, it's

0:33:38.533 --> 0:33:43.853
<v Speaker 3>just a pattern of thinking and you're feeling something maybe anxious, afraid.

0:33:44.133 --> 0:33:48.253
<v Speaker 3>That's information that there's change that needs to happen. All

0:33:48.253 --> 0:33:51.893
<v Speaker 3>of this we're feeling is it's to activate change. And

0:33:51.933 --> 0:33:54.373
<v Speaker 3>I think a lot of times even in self abandonment, right,

0:33:54.573 --> 0:33:56.373
<v Speaker 3>won't we want to keep the peace, will stay in

0:33:56.373 --> 0:34:00.613
<v Speaker 3>the relationship, or will avoid the hard conversation. But meanwhile,

0:34:00.733 --> 0:34:03.973
<v Speaker 3>like I'm having the conversation in my head twenty times

0:34:03.973 --> 0:34:06.733
<v Speaker 3>a day, so I think it's just getting clear. And

0:34:07.453 --> 0:34:09.773
<v Speaker 3>you know, daring the way that you articulated things, and

0:34:10.813 --> 0:34:13.933
<v Speaker 3>I just want to acknowledge you for your your vulnerability

0:34:13.933 --> 0:34:15.933
<v Speaker 3>and the way that you flow and man, the way

0:34:15.933 --> 0:34:17.453
<v Speaker 3>that we flow. I mean, I know we could talk

0:34:17.453 --> 0:34:19.693
<v Speaker 3>about this all day long, and I know people are

0:34:19.693 --> 0:34:22.853
<v Speaker 3>listening that are that are relating to this, and that's

0:34:22.933 --> 0:34:25.413
<v Speaker 3>all we wanted to do is just to relate to y'all.

0:34:25.493 --> 0:34:29.613
<v Speaker 3>So we appreciate you staying consistent with us. And it's

0:34:29.653 --> 0:34:33.373
<v Speaker 3>a big deal to leave reviews on the podcast, and

0:34:33.493 --> 0:34:36.173
<v Speaker 3>even you know, a five star review or comments or

0:34:36.213 --> 0:34:38.773
<v Speaker 3>whatever is going to help us get this out to

0:34:38.813 --> 0:34:41.773
<v Speaker 3>more people. That's all we care about. And yeah, that's

0:34:41.773 --> 0:34:42.413
<v Speaker 3>why we drop.

0:34:42.453 --> 0:34:46.973
<v Speaker 2>In no doubt, man, I feel like you have left

0:34:46.973 --> 0:34:51.333
<v Speaker 2>people with a lot to take away and as you

0:34:51.373 --> 0:34:53.493
<v Speaker 2>go on this journey, as we close. I hope that

0:34:53.533 --> 0:34:55.613
<v Speaker 2>you don't think that you have to be perfect in

0:34:55.653 --> 0:34:58.733
<v Speaker 2>this process, or that you have to be free of mistakes.

0:34:58.773 --> 0:35:00.613
<v Speaker 2>You know, I've always felt most of my life and

0:35:00.653 --> 0:35:04.853
<v Speaker 2>I'm one mistake away from being a band and then

0:35:05.133 --> 0:35:09.373
<v Speaker 2>being rejected, being fired. And that's no way to live.

0:35:09.453 --> 0:35:11.293
<v Speaker 2>Because at the end of the day, we're human and

0:35:11.333 --> 0:35:14.013
<v Speaker 2>we're going to make mistakes. We're going to drop the ball,

0:35:14.053 --> 0:35:16.693
<v Speaker 2>we're going to miss the mark. But it's about showing

0:35:16.773 --> 0:35:20.373
<v Speaker 2>up and valuing ourselves enough to the point where even

0:35:20.413 --> 0:35:22.253
<v Speaker 2>when I do make that mistake, even when I do

0:35:22.333 --> 0:35:25.133
<v Speaker 2>drop the ball, even when I do miss the mark,

0:35:25.853 --> 0:35:31.933
<v Speaker 2>I'm still worthy of love. I'm still me, I'm still okay,

0:35:32.013 --> 0:35:36.653
<v Speaker 2>I'm still enough, And that's the ultimate goal. And we

0:35:36.733 --> 0:35:38.053
<v Speaker 2>just want you guys to know that where wish you

0:35:38.093 --> 0:35:41.333
<v Speaker 2>every step the way when you get there, however long

0:35:41.373 --> 0:35:44.813
<v Speaker 2>it takes, and past that and beyond and even as

0:35:44.813 --> 0:35:47.853
<v Speaker 2>you live your life past that point, because we need

0:35:47.853 --> 0:35:49.933
<v Speaker 2>each other and we need you guys, So thank you

0:35:49.933 --> 0:35:51.813
<v Speaker 2>for tuning in. We appreciate you, and we'll see you

0:35:51.813 --> 0:35:52.493
<v Speaker 2>guys next week.

0:35:52.893 --> 0:36:05.213
<v Speaker 1>Peace Comeback Stories is a production of Inflection Network and iHeartRadio.

0:36:05.533 --> 0:36:10.173
<v Speaker 1>For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, Visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

0:36:10.293 --> 0:36:11.853
<v Speaker 1>or wherever you get your podcasts.