WEBVTT - Joy After Abuse (Jennette McCurdy recap) 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.840 In this episode, we'll be discussing eating disorders and child abuse, 0:00:03.920 --> 0:00:06.720 which may be triggering if you or someone you know 0:00:06.880 --> 0:00:09.520 is dealing with an eating disorder. Call or text the 0:00:09.640 --> 0:00:14.200 National Eating Disorders Association at eight hundred nine three one 0:00:14.560 --> 0:00:18.840 two to three seven for mental health resources. Visit NAMI 0:00:19.400 --> 0:00:24.400 in a m I dot org. Hey y'all, Hey, what's up? 0:00:24.400 --> 0:00:26.880 And welcome the Let's Red Table that. I'm Tracy t. 0:00:27.080 --> 0:00:30.680 Brow and I'm Carl Pressley. Red Table Talk is back, 0:00:31.320 --> 0:00:34.600 but we Let's Red Table that another left But now 0:00:34.680 --> 0:00:38.080 we'll be recapping Red Table Talk episodes as soon as 0:00:38.120 --> 0:00:43.560 they come out. Right, Yes, the Red Table Talk return 0:00:43.680 --> 0:00:47.960 is starting out. We're talking about abuse and how things 0:00:48.320 --> 0:00:52.519 you become normalized even though they are completely left of center, 0:00:52.880 --> 0:00:56.120 and parental abuse is absolutely left the center. We talk 0:00:56.160 --> 0:00:58.920 about dad's people joke about the dad's being absent, but 0:00:59.040 --> 0:01:01.280 no one talks about the mom is being abusive. Oh 0:01:01.400 --> 0:01:03.840 and that's a true statement, very very true statement. And 0:01:03.920 --> 0:01:07.400 this episode, as usual, Red Table talkings out here, shaking 0:01:07.440 --> 0:01:10.200 tables and in these streets and bringing up the concepts 0:01:10.200 --> 0:01:12.240 that no one wants to talk about. And this Net 0:01:12.280 --> 0:01:14.720 mccurty episode, there's no different since it is on the 0:01:14.760 --> 0:01:20.160 front of the cover holding the ashes urn right saying 0:01:22.200 --> 0:01:25.640 through me, I didn't know what I got, wondering it's 0:01:25.640 --> 0:01:27.640 sold out? Do you know why? I think it's sold 0:01:27.680 --> 0:01:30.600 out too? When people say things that no one else 0:01:30.680 --> 0:01:34.360 is saying. Clearly, she's not the only one going through this, 0:01:34.440 --> 0:01:36.120 and that's exactly why we're here today. There were so 0:01:36.160 --> 0:01:38.479 many pieces and parts of it, and she went through 0:01:38.520 --> 0:01:41.440 so much with her mom for so long, the apartment. 0:01:41.800 --> 0:01:44.360 When she moved into her own apartment, it was the 0:01:44.520 --> 0:01:46.679 never left for me. It was so many things in 0:01:46.680 --> 0:01:49.720 this episode. It was the eating let us with no 0:01:49.800 --> 0:01:52.000 salad addressing, It was the way five times today. It 0:01:52.040 --> 0:01:54.560 was the seven year affair that they slid that in there. 0:01:54.640 --> 0:01:57.680 Did they not just ease that right on anywhere? You're 0:01:57.680 --> 0:02:00.200 not going to just slide past that, just get up, 0:02:00.480 --> 0:02:03.600 but they did. They just eased on it. And then 0:02:03.680 --> 0:02:06.640 she was acting out as this character on our car 0:02:06.760 --> 0:02:11.160 League and she was living a lie. It's time to 0:02:11.200 --> 0:02:13.560 hear from our community. We want to hear from you, 0:02:13.600 --> 0:02:17.920 our fantastic listeners. We are now sharing these questions in 0:02:18.080 --> 0:02:20.720 several online red table talk communities. So if you want 0:02:20.760 --> 0:02:24.519 to answer our weekly question. Follow Cara or me on 0:02:24.600 --> 0:02:28.040 social media or join Red Table Talk Facebook group. Don't 0:02:28.040 --> 0:02:30.120 you love that car? Because we had a I mean, 0:02:30.200 --> 0:02:33.680 we're everywhere, We're here, everywhere, We're everywhere. This week, we 0:02:33.800 --> 0:02:38.040 asked y'all if you experienced abuse or maltreatment by your 0:02:38.080 --> 0:02:43.080 parents growing up, how have these experiences affected your adulthood? Cara, 0:02:43.760 --> 0:02:46.760 let's hear from these wonderful people in our community what 0:02:46.880 --> 0:02:50.600 they say. Let's kick it off. Anthony Vincent said, it's 0:02:50.720 --> 0:02:54.840 impacting my relationships, my worth. It fueled my insecurities and 0:02:54.919 --> 0:02:58.800 so much more so. Unfortunate, Anthony Vincent. We are just 0:02:58.960 --> 0:03:01.560 sending you love in life because that that is hard. 0:03:02.400 --> 0:03:07.040 How can it not affect everything? Facts? Absolutely? Tristan Scott said, 0:03:07.160 --> 0:03:11.000 to treat people better than you were treated, so don't 0:03:11.000 --> 0:03:15.840 repeat the cycle. Break it. That's good, That's very good. 0:03:16.280 --> 0:03:19.640 Katie Washington said, I think it's informed a lot of 0:03:19.680 --> 0:03:24.440 my work and mental health around boundaries and worth. No 0:03:24.480 --> 0:03:26.720 one has the right to abuse you. We can honor 0:03:26.800 --> 0:03:31.080 all people by respecting their boundaries. I like that, Katie Washington, 0:03:31.200 --> 0:03:33.800 thank you for sharing that. Our community is our backbone. 0:03:33.840 --> 0:03:35.720 We rely on you to get involved. So we got 0:03:35.800 --> 0:03:37.440 all these different ways for you to get in touch 0:03:37.480 --> 0:03:39.920 with us now, so we're moving forward to hearing from you. Yes, 0:03:40.760 --> 0:03:42.640 we're going to take a quick break, but when we 0:03:42.680 --> 0:03:45.240 get back, we'll be joined by an incredible guest from 0:03:45.280 --> 0:03:53.240 our Red Table Talk community. We usually invite two guests 0:03:53.400 --> 0:03:55.720 unless Red Table that, but this week we wanted to 0:03:55.760 --> 0:03:58.480 give our one amazing guests as much space as possible 0:03:58.720 --> 0:04:01.560 to share about her journey with us because the topic 0:04:01.560 --> 0:04:04.240 of prints of abuse and its long term effects is 0:04:04.360 --> 0:04:07.440 a big one. So we are grateful that Joy is 0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:10.040 here with us today to walk us through what it 0:04:10.120 --> 0:04:14.520 is like growing up in an environment like Jeanette McCourty experienced. 0:04:14.520 --> 0:04:18.760 How are you today, Joy, I'm good. Thank you so 0:04:18.839 --> 0:04:21.880 much for being here. Joy, Joy Haven's is a psychology 0:04:21.880 --> 0:04:25.120 student in Georgia, where she lives with her husband. Joy 0:04:25.200 --> 0:04:27.599 relates to a lot of what Jeanette shared at the 0:04:27.600 --> 0:04:32.479 Red Table. Her parents were emotionally abusive and her dad 0:04:32.520 --> 0:04:35.919 made her feel shame about eating, leading Joy to develop 0:04:36.000 --> 0:04:39.400 an eating disorder. Joy is working to heal and understand 0:04:39.440 --> 0:04:43.160 how her experiences impact her today, and we're just grateful 0:04:43.160 --> 0:04:46.440 to hear and share your story. Oh thank you, I'm 0:04:46.440 --> 0:04:48.920 grateful to be here. I'm so excited to be here 0:04:48.960 --> 0:04:52.200 and talking to you guys. Oh that makes me happy. 0:04:52.600 --> 0:04:54.679 That makes me happy, especially since what we're talking about 0:04:54.680 --> 0:04:57.560 isn't necessarily the happiest topic. But I'm grateful that you're 0:04:57.560 --> 0:04:58.839 here with us because I think it's going to be 0:04:58.839 --> 0:05:07.680 a gift for so many people. This is the part 0:05:07.720 --> 0:05:10.320 of the show where we reveal which Red Table Talk 0:05:10.400 --> 0:05:15.239 moments made us pause, rewind and listen again. This wait, 0:05:15.320 --> 0:05:19.680 what moment or moments was? It was just, oh, what 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:21.360 what was that? What was that? And what was that? 0:05:21.520 --> 0:05:24.320 Because I don't think we could all believe what we 0:05:24.320 --> 0:05:27.679 were hearing. And I loved that Carly as the parent 0:05:27.720 --> 0:05:29.840 who had the child who loved the show as well. 0:05:30.480 --> 0:05:32.719 I watched it right along with everybody else, so it 0:05:32.800 --> 0:05:34.800 was eye opening from me. So let's just kind of 0:05:34.880 --> 0:05:38.039 jump into it, right. Jeanette reading the excerpt from her 0:05:38.200 --> 0:05:41.760 book about her mother showering her and her brother together 0:05:42.200 --> 0:05:46.000 when they were eleven and sixteen years old. Mom showers 0:05:46.000 --> 0:05:48.960 made with Scotty sometimes he's almost sixteen at this point. 0:05:49.200 --> 0:05:51.080 I get really embarrassed when she showers us together. I 0:05:51.080 --> 0:05:53.760 can tell he does too. Usually just look away from 0:05:53.760 --> 0:05:56.080 each other, and Scott distracts himself by drunk pokemon the 0:05:56.080 --> 0:05:58.880 fogged glass. He does a pretty good chars arc. When 0:05:58.920 --> 0:06:01.440 she showers us together, Mom says it's because she's got 0:06:01.440 --> 0:06:03.880 too much to do. Scott asked me he could shower 0:06:03.960 --> 0:06:05.920 himself once. Mom sobbed and said that she didn't want 0:06:05.960 --> 0:06:08.279 to grow up, so he never asked again after that. 0:06:08.279 --> 0:06:10.240 That was a total waite. What for me? I was like, 0:06:10.400 --> 0:06:17.360 the brother is sixteen? Like thoughts, Yeah, who right, We're 0:06:17.400 --> 0:06:20.320 all just at a lost for words. Yeah. I think 0:06:20.360 --> 0:06:23.120 this episode as a parents the first time I really 0:06:23.160 --> 0:06:27.040 thought about parents really manipulating their children. I just couldn't 0:06:27.040 --> 0:06:32.440 fathom someone going there. I remember my son being sixteen, right, yeah, 0:06:32.520 --> 0:06:35.080 and it wasn't I didn't want time you want to 0:06:35.080 --> 0:06:37.520 spend with them in the bathroom, I don't want anywhere 0:06:37.600 --> 0:06:40.240 near him. Sometimes just because it's teenage, they're all trying 0:06:40.279 --> 0:06:43.520 to figure their own sol those hormones, right, right, So 0:06:43.520 --> 0:06:45.960 it's interesting that she was trying to guide that teenage 0:06:46.080 --> 0:06:49.640 journey for them. Really, she didn't want them to grow up, right, 0:06:49.920 --> 0:06:52.360 So there was no But it does lead into this 0:06:52.440 --> 0:06:55.480 next moment. Deb's emailed to Jeanette. When Jeanette ran off 0:06:55.480 --> 0:06:59.000 with her boyfriend to called Jeanette name just owner, but 0:06:59.200 --> 0:07:03.000 still managed to find the audacity to ask for some 0:07:03.040 --> 0:07:05.960 money for a fridgerator. What happened to my good little girl? 0:07:06.040 --> 0:07:07.720 Where did she go? And who is this monster that 0:07:07.760 --> 0:07:10.920 has replaced her? You're an ugly monster. Now. I told 0:07:10.920 --> 0:07:12.760 your brothers about you, and they all said they disown you, 0:07:12.840 --> 0:07:14.600 just like I do. We want nothing to do with you. 0:07:14.920 --> 0:07:16.960 Love mom, or should I say deb since I'm no 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:19.720 longer mother? PS send money for a new fridge? Arts broke, 0:07:20.280 --> 0:07:24.680 pure unmitigated goal is what I call that? That? It's 0:07:25.320 --> 0:07:28.400 it's like you what, I'm what? And what? And what? 0:07:28.480 --> 0:07:31.320 And oh, by the way, send money. The fridge is broke, right? 0:07:32.280 --> 0:07:35.560 Can you imagine having the burden of being your households 0:07:35.640 --> 0:07:39.680 breadwinner as a child, especially while being treated this way? Dooy? 0:07:39.720 --> 0:07:42.800 How did you feel about that? As you want the episode, 0:07:43.440 --> 0:07:47.320 I was taken it back what I had to like 0:07:47.520 --> 0:07:50.080 rewind to make sure that she said that, and I 0:07:50.120 --> 0:07:53.480 was like, oh my gosh, that's right. I can't believe 0:07:53.720 --> 0:07:57.040 that people even think of things like that. I kind 0:07:57.080 --> 0:07:58.440 of want to know if she sent the money for 0:07:58.480 --> 0:08:02.120 the fridge. Why did you knowing Janette, she probably done 0:08:02.560 --> 0:08:05.000 just to kind of be done with it and here 0:08:05.040 --> 0:08:07.680 you go, and that's all you care about any way, 0:08:08.320 --> 0:08:10.840 and then she's just been programmed, right, you know. I 0:08:10.920 --> 0:08:13.200 would have definitely sent the money, probably because I'm just 0:08:13.480 --> 0:08:15.680 it's my mom, you know, at the end of the day, 0:08:15.720 --> 0:08:18.000 it was still her mom, and she wouldn't want her 0:08:18.040 --> 0:08:19.760 mom to be without a fridge. I'm sure she sent 0:08:19.800 --> 0:08:21.560 the money. It's interesting because they didn't ask that because 0:08:21.560 --> 0:08:24.400 everybody was so like completely shocked at all the stuff 0:08:24.400 --> 0:08:27.080 that she was saying before that. It's like, how can 0:08:27.120 --> 0:08:30.440 you say this about your daughter? Her mom had a 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:33.720 lot to say. The quote from Jeanette's mom, My mom 0:08:33.840 --> 0:08:36.600 was always saying men will never really know you and 0:08:36.600 --> 0:08:39.040 they'll hurt you, but women will know you deeply and 0:08:39.080 --> 0:08:41.960 then they'll hurt you. You tell me which is worse? What? 0:08:43.040 --> 0:08:47.320 So who am I supposed to trust exactly? What are 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:52.000 you leaving me here with? That's it's all you gets. 0:08:52.600 --> 0:08:56.040 My mom has actually said something similar like that to 0:08:56.120 --> 0:08:59.480 me before, and it was when I was leaving for college. 0:09:00.080 --> 0:09:01.960 Wasn't in the same way as Jeanette's mom said it, 0:09:02.000 --> 0:09:04.679 but she was basically saying, you can't trust anyone, and 0:09:04.679 --> 0:09:06.319 so I was like, well, then who do I trust? 0:09:06.400 --> 0:09:08.920 I'm confused. At that point, she was like, you should 0:09:08.960 --> 0:09:10.920 just stay home and go to community college and just 0:09:10.960 --> 0:09:13.439 live with me. I'm like, no, no, I have to go. 0:09:13.600 --> 0:09:16.240 And even when I was at college, she was trying 0:09:16.280 --> 0:09:18.680 to do the same thing, trying to get me to 0:09:18.760 --> 0:09:21.079 come back home and what are you doing? Like why 0:09:21.120 --> 0:09:23.240 are you out so late? And it's it'd be eleven 0:09:23.320 --> 0:09:26.080 thirty and I'd be in my friend storm and she'd 0:09:26.080 --> 0:09:27.520 be like, you need to go back to your room. 0:09:27.559 --> 0:09:30.960 I'm like, I'm literally in kenne Staw, Georgia. You were 0:09:30.960 --> 0:09:33.440 in Albany, Georgia. We are four hours apart. You can't 0:09:33.440 --> 0:09:35.520 tell me what to do. But even they're still trying 0:09:35.520 --> 0:09:37.960 to control. Yeah, And with that, she was basically saying, 0:09:37.960 --> 0:09:40.200 you just can't trust anyone. At this point, I'm about 0:09:40.240 --> 0:09:44.199 to figure that out for myself. You can't trust anyone, 0:09:44.360 --> 0:09:47.040 but come home because you can trust me? Like what, No, 0:09:47.280 --> 0:09:50.160 I can barely even trust you. Was it a trigger 0:09:50.200 --> 0:09:53.959 for you joy to see this? Oh? In so many ways, 0:09:54.160 --> 0:09:57.679 I was trying my best to keep it together, like 0:09:57.720 --> 0:10:01.400 I was trying to not start crying because Jeanette was 0:10:01.440 --> 0:10:05.280 talking about like the emotional abuse and the eating disorders, 0:10:05.520 --> 0:10:08.000 and I'm not gonna lie. I'm still dealing with that 0:10:08.040 --> 0:10:10.120 as a twenty seven year old adult, and it just 0:10:10.640 --> 0:10:13.680 hearing another adult talk about it so freely. I'm like, 0:10:13.720 --> 0:10:17.560 holy crap, the stuff is real and it was very triggering. 0:10:17.800 --> 0:10:20.520 That episode really did do something to me in a 0:10:20.520 --> 0:10:22.640 good way. It just made me self aware of my 0:10:22.720 --> 0:10:25.160 mental health and what I need to work on and 0:10:25.960 --> 0:10:30.280 what I need to be more expressive about and express 0:10:30.360 --> 0:10:35.000 my feelings. More so, hearing Jeanette talking about like finally 0:10:35.679 --> 0:10:38.000 getting into that element of herself and like, oh, I 0:10:38.040 --> 0:10:41.800 can do that too. That's cool. So she was a 0:10:41.840 --> 0:10:46.560 beacon for you, yes, yeah, definitely. And me growing up 0:10:46.559 --> 0:10:48.080 and watching her, I'm not even kidding. Me and my 0:10:48.160 --> 0:10:50.760 little brother and my mom would watch that show, like 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:53.960 we loved that show, and it's just it's just crazy 0:10:54.280 --> 0:10:57.080 listening to her tell her story and all that going 0:10:57.120 --> 0:10:59.680 on behind the scenes. It sucks that like they take 0:10:59.679 --> 0:11:02.160 advance image of the Childhood stars in that way, and 0:11:02.160 --> 0:11:05.040 it's just it's it's disgusting, and I relate to her 0:11:05.080 --> 0:11:08.040 with her character being obsessed with food, and she was 0:11:08.080 --> 0:11:11.080 already going through the meeting disorder. I went through that 0:11:11.240 --> 0:11:13.800 like I pretended like I love food. I do relate 0:11:13.840 --> 0:11:17.440 to what she was saying. Her life was kind of 0:11:17.440 --> 0:11:19.679 mocking her in a way. That was my whole life. 0:11:23.720 --> 0:11:27.920 When Kelly shared about her betrayal blindness, betrayal blindness is 0:11:27.960 --> 0:11:31.120 forgetting or simply not knowing you're being hurt in an 0:11:31.120 --> 0:11:35.959 intimate relationship. This plays into the difficulty people have accepting 0:11:35.960 --> 0:11:40.000 that their mother abused them. Kelly said, as a culture, 0:11:40.080 --> 0:11:43.080 we don't like to think that mothers can be abusive. Really, 0:11:43.240 --> 0:11:46.240 it's called betrayal blindness. One of the things I love 0:11:46.280 --> 0:11:50.400 about Kelly McDaniels is having had the opportunity to see 0:11:50.440 --> 0:11:54.520 the episode where it was the maternal deprivation taps so 0:11:54.600 --> 0:11:57.960 much and it's so aligned with this episode two. We 0:11:58.040 --> 0:12:01.559 are taught not to talk about our mothers. Yeah, even 0:12:01.600 --> 0:12:04.959 if it's the stone cold truth about it, you can 0:12:05.000 --> 0:12:07.839 say my mom literally did the best she could, but 0:12:07.880 --> 0:12:11.240 it wasn't great. It wasn't what I needed. It was 0:12:11.280 --> 0:12:14.360 the absolute opposite. My mom did the antithesis of what 0:12:14.440 --> 0:12:16.600 I needed as a child. But if you say that, 0:12:16.640 --> 0:12:20.840 it's like, oh, you know right right, just the acknowledgment 0:12:20.880 --> 0:12:25.240 and your mother right right versus because she had done 0:12:25.280 --> 0:12:28.520 better for me. It was from both parents. My parents 0:12:28.720 --> 0:12:32.400 were I was there accident, they never got married, their 0:12:32.400 --> 0:12:35.800 good accident. They love them, they loved me. But that's 0:12:35.800 --> 0:12:38.120 another thing I need to stop doing, is having a 0:12:38.200 --> 0:12:41.520 disclosure after everything I say, but you know what, I'm 0:12:41.520 --> 0:12:45.520 I'm gonna help you right there, because yeah, I did 0:12:45.520 --> 0:12:47.600 the same thing. I don't know why I do it, 0:12:47.640 --> 0:12:51.600 I just do it. It's just it's a validation for yourself. 0:12:53.440 --> 0:12:57.600 So for my mom's and my dad's side, it was 0:12:58.120 --> 0:13:02.640 definitely the emotional abuse. And then most of the issues 0:13:02.760 --> 0:13:06.200 of me growing up was mainly my mom having issues 0:13:06.240 --> 0:13:09.680 with my dad, and it was like I knew everything 0:13:09.760 --> 0:13:12.200 that was going on, but there wasn't anything I could 0:13:12.200 --> 0:13:16.160 do about it, and my mom would subconsciously take it 0:13:16.160 --> 0:13:18.120 out on me, and my dad would do the same 0:13:18.120 --> 0:13:22.520 exact thing, and it would just be constant, you can't 0:13:22.520 --> 0:13:26.120 do anything right, like you're so stupid. From both parents, 0:13:26.240 --> 0:13:29.200 it was just like because of their issues, they took 0:13:29.240 --> 0:13:33.040 it out on me and I didn't realize until now 0:13:33.120 --> 0:13:34.960 like what was going on. And then on top of 0:13:35.000 --> 0:13:39.000 that with them not really even knowing how to handle 0:13:39.360 --> 0:13:42.640 my emotions and my anxiety and my depression issues. And 0:13:43.120 --> 0:13:45.720 technically I was an only child for sixteen years and 0:13:45.720 --> 0:13:47.480 I have a brother, but I only saw him once 0:13:47.520 --> 0:13:51.200 a year, and so all that energy was just put 0:13:51.880 --> 0:13:55.200 all on me of if anything went wrong, it was 0:13:55.240 --> 0:13:58.560 like my fault in a way, and it wasn't my fault. 0:13:58.679 --> 0:14:02.080 But as child, I'm thinking, oh, maybe I need to 0:14:02.080 --> 0:14:05.120 do this, Maybe I need to, I don't know, talk 0:14:05.200 --> 0:14:07.040 to my mom or ask her what's wrong. But every 0:14:07.040 --> 0:14:08.880 time I would go ask her what's wrong, she would 0:14:08.960 --> 0:14:10.800 just snap at me and be like, leave me alone, 0:14:10.960 --> 0:14:13.280 go to your room. I'm just you know, you're my mom. 0:14:13.280 --> 0:14:16.200 I want to be there for you. But looking back now, 0:14:16.960 --> 0:14:19.360 she was just a young parent and she didn't know 0:14:19.600 --> 0:14:22.160 like much of what she was doing, not in a 0:14:22.200 --> 0:14:25.200 bad way, but I'm gonna I'm gonna just say it 0:14:25.480 --> 0:14:28.160 might be a bad way, it's okay. I feel like, yeah, 0:14:28.280 --> 0:14:31.400 and it's all right if it's not even bad though, 0:14:31.960 --> 0:14:36.760 it's just she did the best, yeah, what she had. Yeah, 0:14:36.840 --> 0:14:39.280 Because I watched how she grew up with my grandma, 0:14:39.320 --> 0:14:41.560 and it's funny how Jeanette was talking about her grandma. 0:14:41.800 --> 0:14:44.440 If there was any any sort of emotion, she'd then 0:14:44.520 --> 0:14:46.200 meet it with like ten times that emotions. So if 0:14:46.240 --> 0:14:50.720 my mom's crying, she was like chaos on chaos on chaos. 0:14:51.080 --> 0:14:54.480 It was so much noise in our house. I was like, wait, 0:14:54.560 --> 0:14:57.120 my grandma was not very nice to my aunts and 0:14:57.200 --> 0:14:59.680 uncles or my mom. And then the same thing with 0:14:59.720 --> 0:15:03.840 my his dad was abusive, and so it just the 0:15:03.880 --> 0:15:06.680 patterns and now I'm like, okay, so now it's my 0:15:06.800 --> 0:15:08.760 job to stop it. But now I'm like trying to 0:15:08.760 --> 0:15:11.760 figure that out of like how to start. So that's 0:15:11.760 --> 0:15:14.280 just it's a lot that is good. It kind of 0:15:14.320 --> 0:15:17.360 reminds me of remembering the Mother Hungry episode when they 0:15:17.640 --> 0:15:21.360 defined the spoiling of being set on the shelf and 0:15:21.360 --> 0:15:24.080 that's really when you spoil. And that kind of reminded 0:15:24.080 --> 0:15:26.600 when you said she told you to go to your room, 0:15:26.640 --> 0:15:29.200 that's when your thoughts were spoiled because you started to 0:15:29.240 --> 0:15:32.720 be like, was it me that I actually do because 0:15:32.760 --> 0:15:35.440 you were left alone instead of, like Tracy just said, 0:15:35.480 --> 0:15:38.480 receiving that love that you truly deserved. I told you 0:15:38.480 --> 0:15:42.040 that if I don't feel well or if I'm having anxiety, 0:15:42.320 --> 0:15:44.440 I deal with it by myself because that's just what 0:15:44.480 --> 0:15:46.160 I've been trained to do since I was a kid. 0:15:46.480 --> 0:15:48.360 And my friends were like, I don't understand, Like why 0:15:48.360 --> 0:15:51.800 can't I help you now? Please? Like I can't. So 0:15:51.920 --> 0:15:55.840 it's just it's crazy how childhood can really affect you 0:15:56.080 --> 0:16:00.120 up until you're on a du until forever, until for 0:16:00.160 --> 0:16:05.160 average like it's a true like unlearning any fast. Just 0:16:05.200 --> 0:16:07.960 when you know that that wasn't your best and you 0:16:08.000 --> 0:16:09.600 want to be your best and you know it's not 0:16:09.720 --> 0:16:15.240 to other environmental conditions, it can be changed. Your mindset 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:25.880 can be changed one day. I'm learning that now. In 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:28.880 her book, one of the ways that Jeanette described the 0:16:28.920 --> 0:16:31.480 atmosphere in her home growing up was saying that the 0:16:31.560 --> 0:16:36.080 air felt like held breath. That painted a really clear 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:39.560 picture for me. I can just feel that tension, right 0:16:39.680 --> 0:16:42.600 you think about you holding your breath and walking around joy. 0:16:42.840 --> 0:16:45.600 How was it like in your childhood home? Oh, my gosh. 0:16:45.920 --> 0:16:49.520 Basically that from both houses actually my God's house and 0:16:49.600 --> 0:16:51.680 my mom's house was my mom It was more so 0:16:51.760 --> 0:16:54.560 like if there was tension, it would be died down 0:16:54.560 --> 0:16:56.720 within a few days. And there was tension because of 0:16:57.400 --> 0:17:01.440 financial stuff or just her having a bad day and 0:17:01.480 --> 0:17:04.840 not really knowing how to channel that energy into something else. 0:17:05.040 --> 0:17:07.080 It would be taken out on me in a way. 0:17:07.320 --> 0:17:09.760 Or if I would come home and I want to 0:17:09.800 --> 0:17:11.800 just talk to her after school, she would just go 0:17:11.840 --> 0:17:14.720 straight to her room and be by herself, and if 0:17:14.760 --> 0:17:17.399 I wanted to talk to her, she would kick me 0:17:17.400 --> 0:17:21.119 out and be like no. And so it just most 0:17:21.160 --> 0:17:25.280 of my childhood during the school year, I was mostly 0:17:25.359 --> 0:17:28.639 just by myself in my room, doing my homework or 0:17:29.040 --> 0:17:33.080 watching movies and re enacting all the scenes and playing 0:17:33.119 --> 0:17:37.040 by myself. I would literally pretend like my dogs were 0:17:37.080 --> 0:17:38.880 there with me, playing with me, and I would play 0:17:38.920 --> 0:17:41.560 Cinderella with them. Even up until like high school, it 0:17:41.680 --> 0:17:45.480 was always like that. And and with my dad, I 0:17:45.520 --> 0:17:50.400 was terrified of really even talking because I felt like 0:17:50.760 --> 0:17:55.680 sometimes even to this day, I'm twenty seven and I'll 0:17:55.680 --> 0:17:58.640 say certain things and he'll just pop off, and I'm 0:17:58.680 --> 0:18:01.560 just like, I don't I don't understand. And even as 0:18:01.600 --> 0:18:04.000 a kid, I was walking on eggshells most of the 0:18:04.000 --> 0:18:06.560 time at his house, and even whenever my I mean, 0:18:06.640 --> 0:18:09.000 my little brother, he didn't really understand. He just kind 0:18:09.000 --> 0:18:10.879 of just dealt with it. My cousin would come to 0:18:10.960 --> 0:18:13.720 visit to she would feel the same way. It was 0:18:13.760 --> 0:18:17.600 always tension because we were scared of doing something to 0:18:17.640 --> 0:18:20.040 set my dad off start yelling and cussing us out. 0:18:20.119 --> 0:18:23.440 It sucks, and so you didn't have any place of solitude, 0:18:23.600 --> 0:18:26.840 no place of serenity, no place of comfort, no place 0:18:26.880 --> 0:18:29.800 of support, no place that you felt loved and in safe. 0:18:29.880 --> 0:18:32.040 I have my best friend, but I wasn't even allowed 0:18:32.040 --> 0:18:35.480 to see her because my mom was so protective over me, 0:18:35.600 --> 0:18:37.880 like I was not allowed to do anything. I wasn't 0:18:37.880 --> 0:18:39.960 allowed to go hang out with anyone. The only thing 0:18:40.000 --> 0:18:44.400 I could do with school orchestra after school every Tuesday, 0:18:44.440 --> 0:18:47.280 and church. That was it. We had to literally beg 0:18:47.680 --> 0:18:50.400 my mom for me to go to my best friend's house. 0:18:50.440 --> 0:18:53.919 And I barely even went to her house. So I 0:18:53.960 --> 0:18:56.480 really didn't have anybody. To be honest with you, as 0:18:56.480 --> 0:18:59.159 an example of my mom being really protective and not 0:18:59.240 --> 0:19:01.560 letting me do any saying, she didn't even let me 0:19:01.600 --> 0:19:05.480 go to my high school homecoming dance and I asked 0:19:05.480 --> 0:19:08.159 her why and she just said, there's no reason, I 0:19:08.200 --> 0:19:11.800 just don't want you to go, and I'm like okay, 0:19:11.960 --> 0:19:13.359 and I asked her, was like, so did I do 0:19:13.400 --> 0:19:15.800 anything wrong, and she said, no, you didn't do anything wrong. 0:19:15.840 --> 0:19:17.600 I just don't think that you need to go. I 0:19:17.720 --> 0:19:20.160 still to this day to understand she would do that. 0:19:20.200 --> 0:19:22.399 There would be times where we would have plans for 0:19:22.440 --> 0:19:26.240 me to go do something and she would say, actually, no, 0:19:26.320 --> 0:19:29.040 we're staying home today. We're not going, and I would 0:19:29.040 --> 0:19:31.879 think it's because I did something wrong. And there was 0:19:31.960 --> 0:19:35.000 one time where I was a senior in high school 0:19:35.000 --> 0:19:36.760 and I had senior right, it's like really really bad. 0:19:37.240 --> 0:19:39.640 I was trying to get all my stuff in order, 0:19:39.800 --> 0:19:43.359 I was practicing for my senior recital. I was stressed, 0:19:44.040 --> 0:19:46.280 and I was applied to all these college places and 0:19:46.359 --> 0:19:49.960 my mom. It really irked me because she just kept 0:19:50.040 --> 0:19:53.640 trying to get me to stay. And we got into 0:19:53.680 --> 0:19:55.760 this huge fight because I told her, I said, I 0:19:55.800 --> 0:19:58.720 can't stay because of what you're doing now. I can't 0:19:58.720 --> 0:20:00.679 stay because I won't be a to grow as a 0:20:00.720 --> 0:20:04.840 human being because I'm stuck. And she didn't like that, 0:20:05.000 --> 0:20:06.639 and she didn't like that I was standing up for 0:20:06.720 --> 0:20:10.639 myself and she started yelling and things got heated and 0:20:10.640 --> 0:20:12.800 I got to the point where she literally threw it's 0:20:12.800 --> 0:20:15.399 not funny. I'm sorry. She threw a lamp at me 0:20:15.840 --> 0:20:19.240 and I was like, oh my god. And I was like, 0:20:19.280 --> 0:20:21.159 why would you do that? What was the point of that? 0:20:21.800 --> 0:20:26.160 And I said something disrespectful and she ended up hitting 0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:29.080 me in the face. And after that, I was just 0:20:29.119 --> 0:20:31.280 like you know what. I literally left. I literally start 0:20:31.320 --> 0:20:33.359 walking down the street and I called my aunt and 0:20:33.400 --> 0:20:34.879 I was like, can you come pick me up? Because 0:20:35.240 --> 0:20:37.159 this is not working. I want to live with you 0:20:37.240 --> 0:20:39.760 until I graduate. I'm just gonna move in with you 0:20:39.800 --> 0:20:41.880 because I can't do this. I think my senior year 0:20:41.920 --> 0:20:44.560 was a year of when I really realized like, oh 0:20:44.600 --> 0:20:46.760 my god, like I'm stuck and I need to get out. 0:20:46.920 --> 0:20:50.040 What did your aunts say? Oh? It didn't really. She 0:20:50.040 --> 0:20:51.840 didn't really know what to do because she was just like, 0:20:53.000 --> 0:20:54.560 I want to be there for you. She came and 0:20:54.600 --> 0:20:56.359 got me. We hung out, but she was just like, 0:20:56.400 --> 0:20:57.919 at the end of the day, that's my sister, and 0:20:57.960 --> 0:21:00.240 I don't want to get in between that. She was like, 0:21:00.400 --> 0:21:03.159 I will tell her you aren't treating George right. What 0:21:03.200 --> 0:21:05.440 you're doing is wrong. But at the end of the day, 0:21:05.560 --> 0:21:08.639 she's an adult and she it's gonna do what she wants. 0:21:08.840 --> 0:21:13.040 And that's mom. Still having the ultimate authority, yes, and 0:21:13.040 --> 0:21:16.119