WEBVTT - Loving Better with Yung Pueblo - Lab 085

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<v Speaker 1>Hey, y'all, we're back.

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<v Speaker 2>Did you miss us, because we missed you. It feels

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<v Speaker 2>so good to be back with our friends. Tt I know, right,

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<v Speaker 2>the show really didn't stop for us. We kept talking,

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<v Speaker 2>but our mics were off.

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<v Speaker 1>Now, some people would say that's a good thing, mainly

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<v Speaker 1>my mom, but.

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<v Speaker 2>Most of y'all have been in our dms and commenting

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<v Speaker 2>on our Instagram posts, asking when the show is coming back,

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<v Speaker 2>where we are, what's going on?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it really has been too long, So first let's

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<v Speaker 1>catch you up with what's been going on with us.

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<v Speaker 2>We've been traveling a lot, a lot, a lot, Cris

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<v Speaker 2>crossing this globe, Australia, South Africa, Scotland, Switzerland.

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<v Speaker 1>You've been going everywhere.

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<v Speaker 2>I've been in Atlanta, I've been in the Atlanta Metro

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<v Speaker 2>and if you've been on two eighty five, you know

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<v Speaker 2>it feels like Chris crossing the globe. But we've also

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<v Speaker 2>been working a lot, right, Yes, we have so many

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<v Speaker 2>things that we're still working on right.

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<v Speaker 1>A planetarium film that's gonna come out in the fall.

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<v Speaker 1>We can't wait to tell y'all about that.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh my gosh, y'all are gonna love it. I can't wait.

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<v Speaker 1>I've been doing more filmmaking, so that's been a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of fun.

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<v Speaker 2>If you don't follow Zakia on Instagram, you have to.

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<v Speaker 2>Her cinematography skills are a one. The storytelling is just

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<v Speaker 2>chef's kiss.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm doing my best. I'm doing my best. And not

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<v Speaker 1>to bury the lead, but Titi had a baby oo cherl.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, I had a baby, y'all, tyson, a little boy.

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<v Speaker 2>He's wonderful. But that was crazy. Can you believe they

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<v Speaker 2>let me leave the hospital with a baby?

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<v Speaker 1>Man? That is still shaking me to the core. That's crazy.

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<v Speaker 1>I know.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm still healing from that, and we're.

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<v Speaker 1>Still healing collectively from missing y'all. Like that's been a

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<v Speaker 1>real big thing for us.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, and it feels like we're the drama. I mean

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<v Speaker 2>I think we're the drama because it feels like, is

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<v Speaker 2>it ghosting force?

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<v Speaker 1>Ghosting force ghosting me? So kind of Yes and no,

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<v Speaker 1>But our heart was in the right place. We just

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<v Speaker 1>had to get our stuff together. We had to, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>come back with a new step to how did that

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<v Speaker 1>song go? We shouldn't have left you without a alia,

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<v Speaker 1>but we were thinking about everybody the whole way along,

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<v Speaker 1>you know.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and with y'all in our minds while we were away.

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<v Speaker 2>You know, this is all set and making us sound

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<v Speaker 2>like f boys now like like future, very toxic behavior.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, now listen, I never am one to align myself

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<v Speaker 1>with future, but I do think the upside of this

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<v Speaker 1>is like that part where they say, you know, absence

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<v Speaker 1>makes the heart grow fonder. But is that true? And

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<v Speaker 1>who is they? I hate when somebody say they say,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, they say, I don't know who they is,

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<v Speaker 1>but I'm hoping it's true in this case. Okay, yes,

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<v Speaker 1>I hope so too. I don't want our relationships to

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<v Speaker 1>be damaged.

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<v Speaker 2>Exactly, and relationships can be so complicated and time is

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<v Speaker 2>a thief.

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<v Speaker 1>Funny, there are some people whose absence actually made them

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<v Speaker 1>dead to me, so yes, rip rih rest in hades.

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<v Speaker 1>And I know we sound terrible, but we're not the

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<v Speaker 1>only ones who are trying to figure out all this

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<v Speaker 1>relationship stuff. Okay, we're gonna talk about that today. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>TT and I'm Zachiah, and this is Dope Labs. Welcome

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<v Speaker 1>to Dope Labs, a weekly podcast that mixes hardcore science

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<v Speaker 1>with pop culture and a healthy dose of friendship. Let's

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<v Speaker 1>jump into the recitation.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, so what do we know about relationships? Well, we

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<v Speaker 2>know that relationships can be complicated, and we know that

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<v Speaker 2>being with someone takes work. We also know that every

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<v Speaker 2>relationship is different, so.

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<v Speaker 1>What works for some won't work for all. But there

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<v Speaker 1>are some foundational things that probably most healthy relationships have,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, or they're built on, like honesty and Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>so what do we want to know? M like, on

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<v Speaker 1>the most basic, basic level, what is love? Because I

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<v Speaker 1>feel like the term love is being so overused and

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<v Speaker 1>we have certainly lost the plot.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, reality TV has really messed with our minds, like

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<v Speaker 2>everybody's in love on these TV shows where they're with

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<v Speaker 2>the people, they fill a house with twenty people, and

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<v Speaker 2>that everybody's falling in love on day two. I don't

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<v Speaker 2>feel like that's right.

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<v Speaker 1>No, And if you find yourself running across the beach

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<v Speaker 1>to separate the love of your life from whatever they

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<v Speaker 1>got going on under those sheets, that's not love, baby,

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<v Speaker 1>It's not love.

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<v Speaker 2>It can't be. If it is, I don't want it.

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<v Speaker 2>So what I want to know, Like, I want to

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<v Speaker 2>go through the life cycle of a relationship and find

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<v Speaker 2>out what is happening to our minds and bodies as

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<v Speaker 2>we are going through these relationships.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes, because love is not just in the heart. Okay,

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<v Speaker 1>the brain is doing things. The body is doing things.

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<v Speaker 1>And speaking of the brain doing things, some folks are

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<v Speaker 1>refusing to date someone who hasn't been to therapy. Is

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<v Speaker 1>that a cheat code or a no? No?

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<v Speaker 2>That's a very good question. I want to know what

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<v Speaker 2>are some of the breadcrumbs that let you know this

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<v Speaker 2>is no good or you're on the right track.

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<v Speaker 1>Mm, that's I like that. Guide me to the right way,

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<v Speaker 1>don't don't make me go all the way to the end.

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<v Speaker 1>If there's something I can see a longess, mays, I

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<v Speaker 1>like to take a clue. Similarly, what makes a relationship last?

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<v Speaker 1>And how do our feelings grow and change with time?

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<v Speaker 1>And how is that tied to, like chemically, what's happening

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<v Speaker 1>in our brains? Or is there something we need to

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<v Speaker 1>be doing?

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<v Speaker 2>And sometimes it's how do you make a relationship last?

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<v Speaker 2>But it might also be when do you walk away?

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<v Speaker 1>I think we have lots of questions, so let's jump

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<v Speaker 1>into the dissection.

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<v Speaker 2>Our guest today is poet and relationship expert Young Pueblo.

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<v Speaker 2>If you haven't seen him on social media, you actually

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<v Speaker 2>have your friends follow him, and if you don't follow him,

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<v Speaker 2>you have absolutely come across his work. Young Pueblo's book

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<v Speaker 2>is out and it's called How to Love Better, and

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<v Speaker 2>we got an advanced copy, and let me tell y'all,

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<v Speaker 2>it is good, very very good.

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<v Speaker 1>Young Welcome to the show.

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<v Speaker 3>Thank you both so much. I'm excited to be here.

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<v Speaker 2>Our first question is a very baseline question, just to

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<v Speaker 2>get everybody, you know, in the right mind frame. There

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<v Speaker 2>have been neuroscientists that say that love is a biological

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<v Speaker 2>necessity and we need it for our well being, like

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<v Speaker 2>we need water, and like we need food and exercise.

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<v Speaker 2>But we want to know what is your definition of love?

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<v Speaker 3>Oh that's interesting. I love hearing that connotation because immediately

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<v Speaker 3>it made me think about love coming from community, coming

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<v Speaker 3>from friendship, or coming from partnership. Because it is essential,

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<v Speaker 3>but it comes in a lot of different forms. I

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<v Speaker 3>think to me, love is something that you not only

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<v Speaker 3>feel profoundly internally, but it motivates you and like activates

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<v Speaker 3>your wanting to learn how to care for a person.

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<v Speaker 1>And I think it's quite the contrast to a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of the love that we're seeing everywhere for consumption, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>fact one of the things that we're often talking about.

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<v Speaker 1>It's just how much we see love in just like

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<v Speaker 1>reality TV or notions of love, and how that might

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<v Speaker 1>be coloring our perception. So we know that more than

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<v Speaker 1>like three million people are tuned into every episode of

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<v Speaker 1>The Bachelor, it's like most recent season. Why when we

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<v Speaker 1>look at those couples that come from these shows, not

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<v Speaker 1>very many are going the distance. You know, even the

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<v Speaker 1>Golden Bachelor at his big age struggled. Okay, we'll say struggled.

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<v Speaker 1>And so I'm curious, do you think we've sensationalized love

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<v Speaker 1>as a society. Do you think these shows are useful

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<v Speaker 1>when we start thinking about how we think about love.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I mean the shows are useful in that they're

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<v Speaker 3>fun to watch, but they're not like what we should

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<v Speaker 3>be striving for or learning from necessarily. I think. You know,

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<v Speaker 3>for a lot of us, especially those of us that

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<v Speaker 3>grew up watching TV in the seventies, eighties, nineties, and

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<v Speaker 3>early two thousands, we were fed a very specific idea

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<v Speaker 3>of relationships that really affected our conditioning. You know, this

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<v Speaker 3>idea of like you meet someone, you feel very strongly

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<v Speaker 3>for them, you have one struggle, and you overcome that

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<v Speaker 3>struggle and then you're together happily ever after, And that

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<v Speaker 3>is just completely untrue. When you're in a relationship, you're

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<v Speaker 3>basically doubling down on your own personal growth and understanding

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<v Speaker 3>that just the way that you have ups and downs

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<v Speaker 3>as an individual, you're going to have ups and downs

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<v Speaker 3>in a relationship.

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<v Speaker 2>We live in a time where everything can happen in

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<v Speaker 2>an instant. You need groceries, it'll be at your door

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<v Speaker 2>in thirty minutes, food ten seconds to drive to the

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<v Speaker 2>next window, need a ride, a lift will be at

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<v Speaker 2>your door in two minutes.

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<v Speaker 1>And all this convenience is really messing with our brains

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<v Speaker 1>in that same instant gratification at all times, and that

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<v Speaker 1>just isn't realistic when you're dealing with your partner. And

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<v Speaker 1>that's right.

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<v Speaker 2>If you have a disagreement, it may not be resolved instantly.

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<v Speaker 3>All these things are geared towards speed, and you know

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<v Speaker 3>these quick dopamine hits, but like in reality, what is

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<v Speaker 3>life like? It takes time to build something beautiful and

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<v Speaker 3>that's hard.

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<v Speaker 2>I love that you talk about dopamine because we did

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of research on the neuroscience about what happens

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<v Speaker 2>when we're first.

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<v Speaker 3>Following in Love Andruck.

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<v Speaker 2>All of that, and it's because our brain's reward system,

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<v Speaker 2>which is located in the middle of our brains, is activated,

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<v Speaker 2>and this even shows up in fMRIs. So they did

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<v Speaker 2>a study where they showed folks pictures of people that

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<v Speaker 2>they love, their romantic partners, and two key areas of

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<v Speaker 2>the brain lit up like a Christmas tree. And those

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<v Speaker 2>areas of the brain release hormones like oxytocin and adrenaline,

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<v Speaker 2>and that gives you your euphoric feeling. And then you

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<v Speaker 2>also talked about dopamine, which is also released and it's

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<v Speaker 2>another feel good hormone. You talk about your relationship with

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<v Speaker 2>your wife as an example in the book. Throughout the book,

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<v Speaker 2>Can you talk us through what it felt like for

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<v Speaker 2>you and at the very beginning and how it changed

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<v Speaker 2>when things got tough.

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<v Speaker 3>I think in the very very beginning it almost felt

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<v Speaker 3>ethereal in like the magnetic pull that we felt towards

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<v Speaker 3>each other, and it felt so enlivening that I was

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<v Speaker 3>finally speaking to someone where I didn't necessarily have to

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<v Speaker 3>put my guard up and was just like, wasn't performing,

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<v Speaker 3>was just you know, able to be myself. But then

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<v Speaker 3>that opened up. Honestly, what felt like six years of

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<v Speaker 3>being together on and off that felt like a hurricane

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<v Speaker 3>because we just did not know how to care for each.

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<v Speaker 1>Other, something that we've both talked about in a previous

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<v Speaker 1>episode where we talk about platonic reallyfelationships, but also when

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<v Speaker 1>romantic relationships, when you have that high, as soon as

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<v Speaker 1>anything happens, you have a bad feeling. I'm curious, how

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<v Speaker 1>have you and your wife settled into your version of

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<v Speaker 1>compassionate love and do you think there are things we

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<v Speaker 1>should all be aware of, like in this stage to

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<v Speaker 1>keep your relationship healthy and compassionate.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it's interesting I think what we've sort of settled

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<v Speaker 3>into because in the beginning it was sort of the

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<v Speaker 3>chaos of not knowing how to care for each other

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<v Speaker 3>combined with the craving for perfection wanted the relationship to

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<v Speaker 3>be exciting and fun all of the time. And now

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<v Speaker 3>what we have it's just this deep understanding that that

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<v Speaker 3>there are going to be ups and downs and that

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<v Speaker 3>we don't need to fight those ups and downs, and

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<v Speaker 3>if anything, what we need to do is we need

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<v Speaker 3>to just properly inform each other about how we feel

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<v Speaker 3>so that the other person knows that it's time to

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<v Speaker 3>step up and support you if you're feeling down or whatnot.

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<v Speaker 2>With all of those good hormones that we get, we

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<v Speaker 2>also get some of the not so great hormones that

0:12:20.240 --> 0:12:24.040
<v Speaker 2>raise our anxiety and stress, like cortisol, and when those

0:12:24.080 --> 0:12:26.280
<v Speaker 2>go up, we have higher stress levels, just like you

0:12:26.320 --> 0:12:29.640
<v Speaker 2>were talking about in anxiety, and you describ being able

0:12:29.679 --> 0:12:32.520
<v Speaker 2>to just talk to your partner about that anxiety is

0:12:32.520 --> 0:12:35.480
<v Speaker 2>such a great step in the compassion that you feel

0:12:35.480 --> 0:12:37.760
<v Speaker 2>for one another. You talk about that a lot in

0:12:37.840 --> 0:12:40.760
<v Speaker 2>your book, and there was a really amazing quote that

0:12:40.800 --> 0:12:44.079
<v Speaker 2>we both loved, and you said, a relationship is not

0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:47.480
<v Speaker 2>an escape. It is a deep form of arrival, one

0:12:47.520 --> 0:12:49.880
<v Speaker 2>where if you want to succeed, you'll have to face

0:12:49.920 --> 0:12:53.160
<v Speaker 2>yourself with great honesty and give your partner a high

0:12:53.280 --> 0:12:56.240
<v Speaker 2>level of presence so you can keep feeding the connection

0:12:56.640 --> 0:12:59.720
<v Speaker 2>the two of you have. Can you talk more about

0:13:00.320 --> 0:13:03.439
<v Speaker 2>that presence and what that means and how people can

0:13:03.480 --> 0:13:04.480
<v Speaker 2>show up for one another.

0:13:05.200 --> 0:13:09.040
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it's really interesting. I've been really thinking lately about

0:13:09.120 --> 0:13:11.600
<v Speaker 3>the connection between the presence that you're able to give

0:13:11.679 --> 0:13:16.560
<v Speaker 3>another person and how that's really coming from the presence

0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:19.679
<v Speaker 3>that you're able to give yourself as you're moving through

0:13:20.240 --> 0:13:24.800
<v Speaker 3>your wide spectrum of emotions. So very often, like if

0:13:24.800 --> 0:13:27.040
<v Speaker 3>we're feeling good, we enjoy feeling good. But if we're

0:13:27.080 --> 0:13:30.200
<v Speaker 3>not feeling good, we run and we either run into

0:13:30.240 --> 0:13:32.960
<v Speaker 3>our phone, run into another TV show, you know, just

0:13:33.040 --> 0:13:37.599
<v Speaker 3>doing something to distract ourselves from feeling whatever's happening inside.

0:13:37.840 --> 0:13:39.880
<v Speaker 3>I used to be so afraid of my own anxiety,

0:13:40.000 --> 0:13:42.360
<v Speaker 3>so afraid of my own sadness that you know, I

0:13:42.400 --> 0:13:44.240
<v Speaker 3>was just like I was on a mission to run

0:13:44.280 --> 0:13:47.160
<v Speaker 3>away from whenever I would feel those things. But now

0:13:47.280 --> 0:13:50.840
<v Speaker 3>as I've been able to sort of just you know,

0:13:50.880 --> 0:13:54.240
<v Speaker 3>have that resilience, that strength to just feel those emotions.

0:13:53.960 --> 0:13:58.280
<v Speaker 1>I think it's really interesting taking your work and kind

0:13:58.280 --> 0:14:01.640
<v Speaker 1>of using it to I don't know how you feel

0:14:01.640 --> 0:14:03.320
<v Speaker 1>about this, but I almost want to say using it

0:14:03.360 --> 0:14:05.720
<v Speaker 1>as a shield against some of the things that we

0:14:05.800 --> 0:14:09.360
<v Speaker 1>are consuming all the time. You know. I feel like

0:14:10.000 --> 0:14:11.680
<v Speaker 1>I don't know if this is what I was clicking

0:14:11.720 --> 0:14:13.880
<v Speaker 1>on or how my algorithm changed, but I feel like

0:14:13.920 --> 0:14:15.959
<v Speaker 1>I was getting a lot of things in the algorithm

0:14:16.040 --> 0:14:18.719
<v Speaker 1>that say, like, if your partner does this, they're a narcissist.

0:14:18.960 --> 0:14:20.880
<v Speaker 1>If your partner doesn't do these things, you know, it

0:14:20.960 --> 0:14:23.840
<v Speaker 1>was a lot of outward facing about the other person.

0:14:24.000 --> 0:14:26.680
<v Speaker 1>We talk a lot about self awareness and self work,

0:14:27.680 --> 0:14:32.000
<v Speaker 1>and I think so often we have this mindset of,

0:14:32.160 --> 0:14:35.440
<v Speaker 1>like you said, convenience and shopping for the perfect partner

0:14:35.480 --> 0:14:37.640
<v Speaker 1>and what quality should they have and they need to

0:14:37.640 --> 0:14:40.240
<v Speaker 1>bring this to the table and I'm popping the balloon

0:14:40.240 --> 0:14:42.680
<v Speaker 1>if they're not six feet and just all of these

0:14:42.720 --> 0:14:45.280
<v Speaker 1>things right, And I would love for you to talk

0:14:45.320 --> 0:14:48.960
<v Speaker 1>a little bit more about how self work feeds into

0:14:49.040 --> 0:14:50.280
<v Speaker 1>a healthy relationship.

0:14:51.160 --> 0:14:53.320
<v Speaker 3>Oh, it's everything. I think. You know, when people look

0:14:53.360 --> 0:14:55.760
<v Speaker 3>at like, you know, what's a real good green flag?

0:14:55.960 --> 0:14:58.920
<v Speaker 3>And I think probably the biggest, most important one as

0:15:00.200 --> 0:15:03.520
<v Speaker 3>they have the humility to keep growing as an individual.

0:15:03.640 --> 0:15:05.880
<v Speaker 3>Because when you show up to a relationship like, no

0:15:05.920 --> 0:15:10.280
<v Speaker 3>one shows up perfect. Everyone has past pain, like something

0:15:10.320 --> 0:15:13.760
<v Speaker 3>they went through, whether they experienced trauma or not, something

0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:16.800
<v Speaker 3>heavy happened, There was some sort of loss, some sort

0:15:16.840 --> 0:15:19.480
<v Speaker 3>of hurt, and that impacts your present moment Like that

0:15:19.600 --> 0:15:22.080
<v Speaker 3>is not only impacting your perception, but it's also impacting

0:15:22.120 --> 0:15:25.720
<v Speaker 3>how you react to the moment. So understanding that you're

0:15:25.720 --> 0:15:28.240
<v Speaker 3>both going to have things that you work through together

0:15:28.440 --> 0:15:32.520
<v Speaker 3>and as individuals, I think that just increases the possibility

0:15:32.520 --> 0:15:36.280
<v Speaker 3>for success in a relationship. Life is hard, and if

0:15:36.280 --> 0:15:38.920
<v Speaker 3>you choose not to grow, life is even harder.

0:15:39.200 --> 0:15:41.440
<v Speaker 1>Remember when we talked about attachment styles on the episode

0:15:41.440 --> 0:15:42.120
<v Speaker 1>with doctor Franco.

0:15:42.640 --> 0:15:47.240
<v Speaker 2>Yes, that's when I realized, I'm so like Sious.

0:15:48.920 --> 0:15:50.680
<v Speaker 1>I know you from the DMV. Just like guy.

0:15:50.800 --> 0:15:54.240
<v Speaker 2>He would be so proud, hometown hero.

0:15:54.520 --> 0:15:55.040
<v Speaker 1>That's right.

0:15:55.200 --> 0:15:57.920
<v Speaker 2>As you say in your book, attachment is the enemy

0:15:57.960 --> 0:15:58.360
<v Speaker 2>of love.

0:15:58.920 --> 0:16:02.000
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, the type of attachment that I'm talking about is

0:16:02.040 --> 0:16:05.840
<v Speaker 3>the old school attachment is like what the Buddha referred

0:16:05.880 --> 0:16:08.560
<v Speaker 3>to as one of the causes of misery, and we're

0:16:08.600 --> 0:16:12.800
<v Speaker 3>talking about like, when I think of attachment, it's attachment

0:16:12.920 --> 0:16:17.960
<v Speaker 3>towards things existing in a very particular way, like the

0:16:18.120 --> 0:16:20.760
<v Speaker 3>craving for things to exist in a very particular way

0:16:21.240 --> 0:16:25.080
<v Speaker 3>that makes human beings very rigid. And if you have

0:16:25.160 --> 0:16:28.800
<v Speaker 3>those attachments in your mind, they will manifest through your

0:16:28.840 --> 0:16:33.160
<v Speaker 3>actions as control where you want these people in your

0:16:33.200 --> 0:16:37.680
<v Speaker 3>life to exist and think and act in very certain ways,

0:16:37.720 --> 0:16:40.280
<v Speaker 3>and you never want the good things to go away,

0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:43.120
<v Speaker 3>and you're just basically clinging to the things that you

0:16:43.320 --> 0:16:46.680
<v Speaker 3>like and very intensely pushing away the things that you

0:16:46.720 --> 0:16:51.280
<v Speaker 3>don't like. And I think living like that makes life

0:16:51.320 --> 0:16:55.880
<v Speaker 3>really hard because we're living in this giant river that's

0:16:55.960 --> 0:16:59.840
<v Speaker 3>moving forward, and if you fight that, life is going

0:16:59.880 --> 0:17:01.640
<v Speaker 3>to hurt. Life is going to suck, Like it's going

0:17:01.680 --> 0:17:06.040
<v Speaker 3>to be really, really tough. So instead of fighting the change,

0:17:06.160 --> 0:17:09.320
<v Speaker 3>our only option is to embrace change and work with it.

0:17:09.680 --> 0:17:12.880
<v Speaker 3>What I can control. I do my best to have

0:17:13.000 --> 0:17:14.960
<v Speaker 3>presents in the good moments, Like, for example, I just

0:17:14.960 --> 0:17:18.520
<v Speaker 3>got to spend a beautiful time celebrating my father's birthday yesterday,

0:17:18.760 --> 0:17:20.920
<v Speaker 3>and I was so grateful. I'm like, Okay, I'm so

0:17:21.119 --> 0:17:23.399
<v Speaker 3>happy to be there, But I also know that, like

0:17:23.720 --> 0:17:25.760
<v Speaker 3>he's not going to be around for the rest of

0:17:25.800 --> 0:17:28.680
<v Speaker 3>my life forever, you know, Like so that makes it's

0:17:28.760 --> 0:17:33.680
<v Speaker 3>simultaneously sad, but it also is inspiring me to have

0:17:33.720 --> 0:17:36.280
<v Speaker 3>more presence when I'm with him, and to hug him

0:17:36.280 --> 0:17:38.159
<v Speaker 3>more and to tell him that I love him, because like,

0:17:38.960 --> 0:17:41.159
<v Speaker 3>change is going to happen at some point and you know,

0:17:41.400 --> 0:17:44.879
<v Speaker 3>one of us won't be around and I can't necessarily

0:17:44.880 --> 0:17:47.719
<v Speaker 3>fight that, but that does help me better show up

0:17:47.720 --> 0:17:48.200
<v Speaker 3>in the moment.

0:17:48.760 --> 0:17:51.800
<v Speaker 2>But talking about how things come to an end, you know,

0:17:52.400 --> 0:17:56.160
<v Speaker 2>with romantic relationships breaking up, as we know is a

0:17:56.359 --> 0:18:00.679
<v Speaker 2>very hard thing, and it can really we feel like

0:18:01.280 --> 0:18:03.800
<v Speaker 2>a freight train is coming towards you, and you can

0:18:03.840 --> 0:18:09.199
<v Speaker 2>feel a lot of anxiety around that. Folks describe breakups

0:18:09.480 --> 0:18:13.359
<v Speaker 2>with having headaches and feeling a crushing sensation and a pain,

0:18:13.760 --> 0:18:16.720
<v Speaker 2>like an actual physical pain that can last a little

0:18:16.720 --> 0:18:20.440
<v Speaker 2>bit or a long time. How do we know when

0:18:20.440 --> 0:18:22.040
<v Speaker 2>it's time to break up?

0:18:23.359 --> 0:18:25.399
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I think I love that you're pointing out too,

0:18:25.520 --> 0:18:29.720
<v Speaker 3>tt like how big breakups are, and like, I think

0:18:29.720 --> 0:18:33.840
<v Speaker 3>we don't often realize how much they shape our minds.

0:18:34.359 --> 0:18:39.040
<v Speaker 3>Like those big, big breakups, they really affect our mental conditioning,

0:18:39.119 --> 0:18:42.960
<v Speaker 3>and they affect how we see the present, like we'll

0:18:42.960 --> 0:18:44.720
<v Speaker 3>look at it through the lens of the past. I

0:18:44.760 --> 0:18:47.880
<v Speaker 3>think in terms of like signs of when it's time

0:18:47.880 --> 0:18:51.680
<v Speaker 3>to break up, I think probably the clearest one is relationships.

0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:54.320
<v Speaker 3>It's natural for them to go through ups and downs.

0:18:54.960 --> 0:18:58.000
<v Speaker 3>But let's say you're in a relationship and you're just

0:18:58.040 --> 0:19:00.480
<v Speaker 3>going from one down moment to another down moment to

0:19:00.520 --> 0:19:06.120
<v Speaker 3>another down moment, and there's very little joy, there's constant struggle,

0:19:06.720 --> 0:19:09.880
<v Speaker 3>there's you know, sort of like endless arguments, and you're

0:19:09.920 --> 0:19:11.919
<v Speaker 3>not even really having fun anymore. You're just kind of

0:19:11.960 --> 0:19:15.520
<v Speaker 3>irritable and it's in the back of your mind and

0:19:15.560 --> 0:19:18.320
<v Speaker 3>you just don't want to be honest with it. Yet.

0:19:18.800 --> 0:19:20.800
<v Speaker 3>What I like to write about too, is like, when

0:19:20.840 --> 0:19:23.199
<v Speaker 3>you know, don't let it drag on. I've seen this

0:19:23.240 --> 0:19:25.679
<v Speaker 3>happen with people often, where you know they know they

0:19:25.680 --> 0:19:27.359
<v Speaker 3>want to break up with somebody, but it still takes

0:19:27.400 --> 0:19:30.520
<v Speaker 3>them like six months to get it done. And that's

0:19:30.600 --> 0:19:34.920
<v Speaker 3>hard because you're misusing that person's time and you're misusing

0:19:34.960 --> 0:19:38.320
<v Speaker 3>your own time. So I think being aware, like if

0:19:38.359 --> 0:19:41.320
<v Speaker 3>you're constantly moving from down moment to down moment, then

0:19:41.320 --> 0:19:43.160
<v Speaker 3>there's something for you to assess, like are you really

0:19:43.200 --> 0:19:43.880
<v Speaker 3>right for each other.

0:19:44.480 --> 0:19:48.040
<v Speaker 1>I do have a question from a friend because I

0:19:48.080 --> 0:19:50.320
<v Speaker 1>told her, I said, hey, we're interviewing young Poiblo, and

0:19:50.359 --> 0:19:52.679
<v Speaker 1>I had already given her clarity and connection and so

0:19:52.840 --> 0:19:54.920
<v Speaker 1>she said, cool, Why wouldn't you have told me this

0:19:55.240 --> 0:19:57.040
<v Speaker 1>earlier on? I said, because you would have given me

0:19:57.080 --> 0:20:00.560
<v Speaker 1>twenty questions and so that's not a possibility. You know.

0:20:00.640 --> 0:20:02.320
<v Speaker 1>One of the things that we've wanted from you is

0:20:02.359 --> 0:20:05.080
<v Speaker 1>some tips on getting over a breakup. And so I

0:20:05.119 --> 0:20:07.040
<v Speaker 1>have a friend that's going through a really big breakup,

0:20:07.040 --> 0:20:11.480
<v Speaker 1>but divorce and She told me that she really wanted

0:20:11.520 --> 0:20:14.360
<v Speaker 1>to know how you still believe in love and if

0:20:14.400 --> 0:20:16.919
<v Speaker 1>it gets harder or easier the older you get and

0:20:16.960 --> 0:20:18.760
<v Speaker 1>the more you have these experiences.

0:20:19.240 --> 0:20:22.680
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it's hard to especially, I mean so much love

0:20:22.680 --> 0:20:24.879
<v Speaker 3>to your friend too, because that's that's a big one

0:20:25.000 --> 0:20:27.879
<v Speaker 3>when people go through the divorces, and that can like

0:20:28.200 --> 0:20:30.800
<v Speaker 3>really shake the framework of your mind and how you

0:20:30.840 --> 0:20:33.240
<v Speaker 3>see the world. And I see this a lot, you know,

0:20:33.320 --> 0:20:37.880
<v Speaker 3>like when I post things about relationships and people commented, well,

0:20:37.920 --> 0:20:41.160
<v Speaker 3>there's no there's no good men out there. Well, yeah,

0:20:41.200 --> 0:20:42.720
<v Speaker 3>I mean some. I'm sure some of the ones that

0:20:42.760 --> 0:20:45.520
<v Speaker 3>you came across were not good, but like, there definitely are,

0:20:45.720 --> 0:20:47.480
<v Speaker 3>Like I know a bunch of great guys who are

0:20:47.480 --> 0:20:50.240
<v Speaker 3>in good relationships and are healthy relationships.

0:20:49.680 --> 0:20:50.960
<v Speaker 2>And drop their names in the chat.

0:20:51.400 --> 0:20:54.480
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, here are their numbers. Yeah, this is where they live.

0:20:56.000 --> 0:21:00.199
<v Speaker 3>I think love is definitely possible. I think, especially when

0:21:00.240 --> 0:21:02.640
<v Speaker 3>you're like coming out of a divorce, this is one

0:21:02.640 --> 0:21:06.720
<v Speaker 3>of those moments where it's a big realization moment that

0:21:07.760 --> 0:21:11.280
<v Speaker 3>you should not be postponing your happiness, Like your greatest

0:21:11.280 --> 0:21:15.600
<v Speaker 3>happiness is not necessarily going to like come from a

0:21:15.680 --> 0:21:19.359
<v Speaker 3>relationship your partner. They should add to your happiness, but

0:21:19.359 --> 0:21:21.000
<v Speaker 3>your happiness is really coming from within.

0:21:21.040 --> 0:21:25.720
<v Speaker 1>You preach a quarter though, that is a word.

0:21:26.960 --> 0:21:31.520
<v Speaker 3>And I think it's it's challenging because like people want

0:21:31.560 --> 0:21:36.880
<v Speaker 3>to lose hope for love, but I think it's definitely possible.

0:21:37.200 --> 0:21:40.239
<v Speaker 3>But I don't think that you should be waiting for

0:21:40.320 --> 0:21:42.840
<v Speaker 3>love to be happy. I feel like that's a big mistake.

0:21:42.920 --> 0:21:45.159
<v Speaker 3>It's especially if you're just coming out a divorce, Like,

0:21:45.200 --> 0:21:47.240
<v Speaker 3>this is the time for you to design your life.

0:21:47.520 --> 0:21:49.399
<v Speaker 3>This is the time for you to like make the

0:21:49.400 --> 0:21:52.320
<v Speaker 3>most beautiful chapter of your life happen. This is your renaissance.

0:21:52.400 --> 0:21:56.200
<v Speaker 3>This is like your rebirth moments. So use it, make

0:21:56.320 --> 0:21:59.600
<v Speaker 3>best use of it, because then that inner glow, like

0:21:59.680 --> 0:22:02.360
<v Speaker 3>as you cultivated and as you keep seeing, like what

0:22:02.440 --> 0:22:04.280
<v Speaker 3>is it like, how can I be a better friend

0:22:04.320 --> 0:22:06.560
<v Speaker 3>to myself? What do I need to give to myself

0:22:06.600 --> 0:22:09.200
<v Speaker 3>so that I can really shine? Other people are gonna

0:22:09.200 --> 0:22:11.359
<v Speaker 3>feel that, and then the right person may come along

0:22:11.400 --> 0:22:14.160
<v Speaker 3>who also has that similar quality that they take good

0:22:14.200 --> 0:22:17.040
<v Speaker 3>care of themselves, and then you can make something beautiful together.

0:22:17.119 --> 0:22:19.920
<v Speaker 3>But no matter what phase of life you're in, you

0:22:19.960 --> 0:22:22.480
<v Speaker 3>should never be postponing your happiness. You should try to

0:22:22.960 --> 0:22:26.560
<v Speaker 3>cultivate that happiness now and then maybe somebody great will

0:22:26.560 --> 0:22:27.040
<v Speaker 3>come along.

0:22:45.040 --> 0:22:47.159
<v Speaker 2>At the end of your book, you run through some

0:22:47.240 --> 0:22:50.359
<v Speaker 2>red flags and some green flags, and so we wanted

0:22:50.359 --> 0:22:54.160
<v Speaker 2>to just throw some scenarios at you and hear whether

0:22:54.280 --> 0:22:55.879
<v Speaker 2>or not you feel like it's a red flag or

0:22:55.880 --> 0:22:57.200
<v Speaker 2>a green flag, or you can give it a yellow

0:22:57.200 --> 0:23:00.240
<v Speaker 2>flag if you feel like it's not either or kid

0:23:00.320 --> 0:23:01.120
<v Speaker 2>you want to kick it off.

0:23:01.920 --> 0:23:05.680
<v Speaker 1>Okay, I think and this is something I've seen happen

0:23:05.720 --> 0:23:09.639
<v Speaker 1>for real. I don't know if you remember, like the

0:23:09.720 --> 0:23:12.560
<v Speaker 1>conversation where people say, oh, when you go into somebody's house,

0:23:12.600 --> 0:23:14.359
<v Speaker 1>like what are you looking for on their bookshelf or

0:23:14.359 --> 0:23:17.000
<v Speaker 1>something like that. Now, sometimes you see great things. You

0:23:17.000 --> 0:23:19.640
<v Speaker 1>can see all about love. You might see clarity and connection.

0:23:19.800 --> 0:23:23.679
<v Speaker 1>You might see all your favorites. Okay, but when you

0:23:23.720 --> 0:23:26.760
<v Speaker 1>open it up, there's nothing highlighted, there's no notes, it's fresh,

0:23:26.840 --> 0:23:33.400
<v Speaker 1>it's crisp. When they are aesthetics only did they read

0:23:33.440 --> 0:23:34.760
<v Speaker 1>it or are they doing it for the GRAM? We

0:23:34.800 --> 0:23:38.720
<v Speaker 1>don't know. Red flag, green flag, yellow flag.

0:23:39.440 --> 0:23:42.880
<v Speaker 3>You know it's so funny because you two are vicious readers,

0:23:42.880 --> 0:23:45.800
<v Speaker 3>like you're both PhDs, and you know I know that

0:23:45.840 --> 0:23:49.160
<v Speaker 3>you know how to crush bugs. I think the other

0:23:49.240 --> 0:23:52.159
<v Speaker 3>thing too, is like you want to like check to

0:23:52.240 --> 0:23:55.320
<v Speaker 3>see where I have a stack of books that are

0:23:55.359 --> 0:23:57.399
<v Speaker 3>my favorites that I've read and other ones that are

0:23:57.440 --> 0:24:00.440
<v Speaker 3>waiting that are like on deck. So there's that clarity

0:24:00.480 --> 0:24:02.000
<v Speaker 3>you want to kind of develop. So to me, it's

0:24:02.040 --> 0:24:05.200
<v Speaker 3>like a yellow flag if everything is just like kind

0:24:05.200 --> 0:24:07.720
<v Speaker 3>of like designed and picture perfect and you don't really

0:24:08.359 --> 0:24:11.480
<v Speaker 3>like are they there to help cultivate your mind? But

0:24:11.640 --> 0:24:14.320
<v Speaker 3>I think I would ask, like I always lean towards asking,

0:24:14.400 --> 0:24:17.160
<v Speaker 3>like tell me more like which ones which which one

0:24:17.160 --> 0:24:18.800
<v Speaker 3>of these books has really shaped your mind?

0:24:18.920 --> 0:24:22.160
<v Speaker 1>And why pop quiz baby?

0:24:23.240 --> 0:24:27.200
<v Speaker 2>We're going to have a book club right now. Something

0:24:27.200 --> 0:24:30.720
<v Speaker 2>that I've seen on social media where people have done

0:24:30.800 --> 0:24:34.680
<v Speaker 2>all these think pieces. It on TikTok and Instagram, and

0:24:34.800 --> 0:24:39.199
<v Speaker 2>some folks say, if I am going on a date

0:24:39.240 --> 0:24:41.000
<v Speaker 2>with somebody, I'm going to ask them if they have

0:24:41.080 --> 0:24:43.720
<v Speaker 2>ever gone to therapy and if they say no, that's

0:24:43.720 --> 0:24:47.640
<v Speaker 2>a deal breaker for me. Is someone never having gone

0:24:47.680 --> 0:24:50.000
<v Speaker 2>to therapy or not having a desire to go to

0:24:50.080 --> 0:24:52.120
<v Speaker 2>therapy at all a red flag?

0:24:52.640 --> 0:24:54.399
<v Speaker 1>A yellow flag? Green flag?

0:24:55.200 --> 0:25:00.199
<v Speaker 3>I would say, like almost like yellow green, you know,

0:25:00.359 --> 0:25:03.600
<v Speaker 3>it's like It's not necessarily a red flag like that,

0:25:03.760 --> 0:25:06.000
<v Speaker 3>because even you can go to therapy and what if

0:25:06.040 --> 0:25:07.760
<v Speaker 3>you get one of those therapists is just like, oh,

0:25:07.840 --> 0:25:12.439
<v Speaker 3>you're fine, you know, it's the other person's fault and listen, Like,

0:25:12.800 --> 0:25:15.359
<v Speaker 3>not all therapists are going to be great. There's definitely

0:25:15.400 --> 0:25:18.119
<v Speaker 3>some great ones. I've seen therapists change people's lives for

0:25:18.160 --> 0:25:21.639
<v Speaker 3>the better in my circle. So I'm very supportive of therapy,

0:25:21.640 --> 0:25:23.320
<v Speaker 3>but you got to make sure you work with someone

0:25:23.320 --> 0:25:26.919
<v Speaker 3>who's not just a yes person. And the other end

0:25:27.000 --> 0:25:29.160
<v Speaker 3>of that is some of the dopest people that are

0:25:29.200 --> 0:25:33.159
<v Speaker 3>so self aware that I know are like painters and

0:25:33.400 --> 0:25:37.520
<v Speaker 3>artists and like people who are always in nature and

0:25:37.560 --> 0:25:39.720
<v Speaker 3>like that's just the way that they reflect and they

0:25:39.720 --> 0:25:43.480
<v Speaker 3>heal themselves. So if they have some sort of practice that,

0:25:43.840 --> 0:25:47.200
<v Speaker 3>you know, whether it's like meditating or art or where

0:25:47.200 --> 0:25:50.760
<v Speaker 3>they're just like not scared to reflect on themselves, then

0:25:51.000 --> 0:25:52.439
<v Speaker 3>to me, that's a big green flag.

0:25:53.080 --> 0:25:58.159
<v Speaker 1>These are fun, okay, And this is also I have

0:25:58.240 --> 0:26:01.480
<v Speaker 1>my own thoughts about this, so I can't wait to hear. Yeah,

0:26:01.640 --> 0:26:05.320
<v Speaker 1>they tell their friends all about y'all's relationship. What color

0:26:05.320 --> 0:26:06.320
<v Speaker 1>flag are you giving that.

0:26:06.280 --> 0:26:09.840
<v Speaker 3>One all about? Is too much. What do you mean,

0:26:09.880 --> 0:26:14.040
<v Speaker 3>like everything, everything, everything? Oh, I don't know. Then, No,

0:26:14.240 --> 0:26:17.400
<v Speaker 3>I think something's you know, it's funny because after you've

0:26:17.400 --> 0:26:21.119
<v Speaker 3>been with somebody for so long, you know, you start

0:26:21.240 --> 0:26:25.399
<v Speaker 3>feeling like like there are things that go down in

0:26:26.680 --> 0:26:28.880
<v Speaker 3>not just like in our relationship, but like, let's say

0:26:29.000 --> 0:26:31.400
<v Speaker 3>something really private that happens to one of our siblings

0:26:31.840 --> 0:26:35.159
<v Speaker 3>or something that I know that they want people to

0:26:35.160 --> 0:26:39.280
<v Speaker 3>not hear, and I think, out of respect, you kind

0:26:39.280 --> 0:26:42.800
<v Speaker 3>of just keep it in the tightest circle. And my

0:26:42.840 --> 0:26:44.920
<v Speaker 3>best friends like they're similar to that. We tell each

0:26:44.920 --> 0:26:47.879
<v Speaker 3>other a lot, and it might be ninety five percent

0:26:48.000 --> 0:26:50.399
<v Speaker 3>like a lot because there's so much trust there. But

0:26:50.480 --> 0:26:52.680
<v Speaker 3>I don't think it's everything, you know, So I think

0:26:52.720 --> 0:26:58.840
<v Speaker 3>that would be like a very heavy orange. Yeah.

0:26:58.920 --> 0:27:00.480
<v Speaker 1>I can get behind that. Yeah, same.

0:27:01.080 --> 0:27:05.840
<v Speaker 2>Okay, So in arguments, when they're arguing with their partner,

0:27:07.200 --> 0:27:10.320
<v Speaker 2>they kind of shut down, but it's because they need

0:27:10.359 --> 0:27:13.160
<v Speaker 2>to take time to go think and then come back later.

0:27:13.280 --> 0:27:16.720
<v Speaker 2>So you know, the partner may want to keep talking

0:27:16.840 --> 0:27:19.560
<v Speaker 2>or keep the argument going, but they're like I've had enough.

0:27:19.680 --> 0:27:22.639
<v Speaker 2>They remove themselves, but they come back later to finish it.

0:27:24.760 --> 0:27:29.240
<v Speaker 3>Yeah. I think that's honestly a green flag that is

0:27:29.280 --> 0:27:34.560
<v Speaker 3>not respected enough, and I also didn't. Our argument styles

0:27:34.560 --> 0:27:36.480
<v Speaker 3>were different between my wife and I, where I was

0:27:36.520 --> 0:27:39.040
<v Speaker 3>like always trying to just like keep it going, let's finish,

0:27:39.160 --> 0:27:41.600
<v Speaker 3>let's get over it as fast as possible, and she

0:27:41.720 --> 0:27:44.119
<v Speaker 3>needed to move more slowly through it, and honestly she

0:27:44.240 --> 0:27:47.040
<v Speaker 3>was right, Like, I think part of the power of

0:27:47.080 --> 0:27:49.680
<v Speaker 3>the pause is you're trying to figure out like am

0:27:49.720 --> 0:27:51.840
<v Speaker 3>I just being defensive? Am I just trying to win?

0:27:52.240 --> 0:27:55.360
<v Speaker 3>Or am I actually trying to help resolve this situation?

0:27:56.119 --> 0:27:59.919
<v Speaker 3>And usually the pause kind of makes you snap out

0:28:00.080 --> 0:28:02.320
<v Speaker 3>of your own like irate mentality.

0:28:03.480 --> 0:28:05.199
<v Speaker 2>I love that the power of the pause and not

0:28:05.240 --> 0:28:06.399
<v Speaker 2>the pause.

0:28:10.640 --> 0:28:12.560
<v Speaker 1>Okay, here's the next one we have. I feel like

0:28:12.600 --> 0:28:15.480
<v Speaker 1>people sometimes you see people that are in a relationship

0:28:15.520 --> 0:28:17.480
<v Speaker 1>and it feels like one person is putting the other

0:28:17.480 --> 0:28:19.359
<v Speaker 1>person on a pedestal and they're saying like, Oh, I

0:28:19.440 --> 0:28:22.000
<v Speaker 1>just don't deserve him, or oh she's so great, I

0:28:22.000 --> 0:28:25.639
<v Speaker 1>don't deserve her. People that feel like they don't deserve

0:28:25.720 --> 0:28:28.800
<v Speaker 1>the other person. Now, sometimes that's just you know, fluff,

0:28:28.880 --> 0:28:30.840
<v Speaker 1>But people that really feel like they don't deserve the

0:28:30.880 --> 0:28:33.800
<v Speaker 1>other person. What kind of flag we have going on there?

0:28:34.440 --> 0:28:37.200
<v Speaker 3>I think that's strange too. Honestly, I'm with you too,

0:28:37.240 --> 0:28:40.640
<v Speaker 3>Like I feel like one thing that I love love

0:28:40.920 --> 0:28:45.760
<v Speaker 3>about my really close friends and my wife is that

0:28:46.840 --> 0:28:49.400
<v Speaker 3>they're not that impressed by me. They're not like they're

0:28:49.440 --> 0:28:51.680
<v Speaker 3>like whatever. He says some smart stuff, and he says

0:28:51.680 --> 0:28:54.640
<v Speaker 3>some dumb stuff too, and I think that's just like

0:28:54.720 --> 0:28:57.920
<v Speaker 3>the best thing is like having a circle that just

0:28:58.000 --> 0:28:59.680
<v Speaker 3>keeps it real with you and they honor you when

0:28:59.680 --> 0:29:01.920
<v Speaker 3>it's time to honor you, Like, I think there's some

0:29:01.920 --> 0:29:04.520
<v Speaker 3>some lack of I don't know worth in there, and

0:29:05.120 --> 0:29:07.400
<v Speaker 3>as opposed to having that framework, I think it's better

0:29:07.480 --> 0:29:08.880
<v Speaker 3>to be like, I'm just so grateful to be with

0:29:08.880 --> 0:29:11.200
<v Speaker 3>this person. This person is dope. You know, they're amazing,

0:29:11.360 --> 0:29:13.080
<v Speaker 3>and but you're both equally amazing.

0:29:14.320 --> 0:29:16.360
<v Speaker 2>There was a man who was like basically told me

0:29:16.400 --> 0:29:19.160
<v Speaker 2>I had my life two together for.

0:29:19.240 --> 0:29:20.760
<v Speaker 1>Us to pursue anything.

0:29:20.800 --> 0:29:24.720
<v Speaker 2>And I was like, like me, I was a mess.

0:29:24.760 --> 0:29:27.200
<v Speaker 2>I was in graduate school. I was like, I'm a mess.

0:29:27.200 --> 0:29:29.920
<v Speaker 2>He's like, oh, you're so smart, and you know you

0:29:29.960 --> 0:29:32.400
<v Speaker 2>have I don't think that this would work. And I

0:29:32.440 --> 0:29:34.400
<v Speaker 2>was like, first of all, you're jumping the gun because

0:29:34.400 --> 0:29:37.600
<v Speaker 2>I wasn't going to be your girlfriend. Just having a

0:29:37.640 --> 0:29:43.440
<v Speaker 2>good time. So yeah, I totally, I totally understand what

0:29:43.480 --> 0:29:46.680
<v Speaker 2>you're saying. There's something that gen Z says a lot,

0:29:46.840 --> 0:29:49.560
<v Speaker 2>but I want to know your thoughts. They say that

0:29:49.640 --> 0:29:52.920
<v Speaker 2>if someone double texts you, like sends two text messages

0:29:52.920 --> 0:29:56.280
<v Speaker 2>back to back, that that's a red flag. Like that's

0:29:56.560 --> 0:29:58.640
<v Speaker 2>they're like, oh, that person is I don't even know

0:29:58.680 --> 0:30:01.080
<v Speaker 2>the right word that they use. From our generation, they

0:30:01.080 --> 0:30:04.640
<v Speaker 2>would say that person is thirsty or you know, they're

0:30:04.680 --> 0:30:05.400
<v Speaker 2>doing too much.

0:30:06.800 --> 0:30:09.160
<v Speaker 3>I think I'm really careful with those like those. That's

0:30:09.240 --> 0:30:12.680
<v Speaker 3>a big, big, like blanket statement that just doesn't work

0:30:12.720 --> 0:30:16.000
<v Speaker 3>in all contexts. I think some people just like, I

0:30:16.040 --> 0:30:19.160
<v Speaker 3>don't know, I'm I'm usually if when I text you,

0:30:19.280 --> 0:30:23.600
<v Speaker 3>I'll send like three or four blue lines, like you know,

0:30:23.760 --> 0:30:26.760
<v Speaker 3>it's not just like one text. It's like I'll just

0:30:26.800 --> 0:30:31.000
<v Speaker 3>send out whatever I'm thinking, and I just I don't know.

0:30:31.040 --> 0:30:34.320
<v Speaker 3>I feel like one thing that I really don't like

0:30:34.400 --> 0:30:38.000
<v Speaker 3>about current dating culture is that everyone is being COI right,

0:30:38.040 --> 0:30:40.760
<v Speaker 3>everyone is kind of like hiding their cars and they're

0:30:40.800 --> 0:30:42.640
<v Speaker 3>just like, I don't want to you know, I don't

0:30:42.680 --> 0:30:45.280
<v Speaker 3>want to tell you that I like you because I'm afraid.

0:30:45.360 --> 0:30:48.520
<v Speaker 3>But it's like you know it's time for clarity. It's

0:30:48.560 --> 0:30:51.680
<v Speaker 3>time for clarity. Just like if I'm really feeling you,

0:30:52.080 --> 0:30:53.640
<v Speaker 3>I need to tell you that I'm feeling you so

0:30:53.680 --> 0:30:55.080
<v Speaker 3>that we can see if something can happen.

0:30:55.400 --> 0:30:58.520
<v Speaker 2>My friend always says, play it cool. Have you left

0:30:58.560 --> 0:31:00.840
<v Speaker 2>out in the cold? Oh? Right, I need you to

0:31:00.840 --> 0:31:04.000
<v Speaker 2>be thirsty, honey, I need you to get parched for me. Okay,

0:31:04.240 --> 0:31:06.400
<v Speaker 2>I don't need you playing coy. I want you to

0:31:06.480 --> 0:31:07.760
<v Speaker 2>be triple tech.

0:31:07.920 --> 0:31:10.760
<v Speaker 1>Right. And TT and I have spent a lot of

0:31:10.800 --> 0:31:13.720
<v Speaker 1>time together over the years, Okay, and I feel like

0:31:13.840 --> 0:31:15.920
<v Speaker 1>at the end of the night, TT will say like, oh,

0:31:16.120 --> 0:31:18.760
<v Speaker 1>this person definitely liked you, and I'm like, baby, they

0:31:18.760 --> 0:31:22.280
<v Speaker 1>didn't say a word. They didn't. I'm not reading your

0:31:22.360 --> 0:31:27.040
<v Speaker 1>hand signal, the degree you turned your shoulders to the side.

0:31:27.080 --> 0:31:29.320
<v Speaker 1>I'm not reading any of that stuff. And in text messages,

0:31:29.360 --> 0:31:31.560
<v Speaker 1>I'm not trying to read between you sent one line.

0:31:31.760 --> 0:31:33.880
<v Speaker 1>First of all, I don't even like big blocks of text,

0:31:33.920 --> 0:31:36.840
<v Speaker 1>So I'm sending you four to five messages.

0:31:37.160 --> 0:31:40.360
<v Speaker 2>Damn, We're sending voice notes, we're sending video over sending memes,

0:31:40.360 --> 0:31:42.280
<v Speaker 2>we're sending links, so I.

0:31:42.240 --> 0:31:45.920
<v Speaker 3>Can't identify the voice notes. Have added a whole nother element.

0:31:46.040 --> 0:31:48.120
<v Speaker 3>Like I feel like I'm listening to my friends like

0:31:48.160 --> 0:31:51.160
<v Speaker 3>mini podcasts. I have to like find a moment to

0:31:51.160 --> 0:31:53.280
<v Speaker 3>listen to like a four minute voice voice.

0:31:53.000 --> 0:31:56.680
<v Speaker 2>No, okay, So I think this is our last one.

0:31:57.120 --> 0:31:59.320
<v Speaker 1>And it is that.

0:32:00.920 --> 0:32:04.240
<v Speaker 2>A person hasn't ever been in a long term relationship,

0:32:04.280 --> 0:32:06.000
<v Speaker 2>like more than three months.

0:32:06.960 --> 0:32:10.960
<v Speaker 3>I don't know, I would say that's like green to yellow,

0:32:11.720 --> 0:32:16.959
<v Speaker 3>Like I don't think that's that wild per se. I

0:32:17.000 --> 0:32:20.320
<v Speaker 3>feel like a lot of that is cultural. People are

0:32:20.360 --> 0:32:24.400
<v Speaker 3>just so like anti commitment, and I think a lot

0:32:24.400 --> 0:32:29.200
<v Speaker 3>of it is because people are looking for marginal improvements.

0:32:29.800 --> 0:32:30.000
<v Speaker 2>Right.

0:32:30.120 --> 0:32:32.360
<v Speaker 3>It's like you're with someone and then you want the

0:32:32.440 --> 0:32:35.080
<v Speaker 3>relationship to be like two percent better, so you let

0:32:35.120 --> 0:32:37.840
<v Speaker 3>go something great. You literally will let go something great

0:32:37.880 --> 0:32:40.520
<v Speaker 3>for the chance that's something better, and it just doesn't

0:32:40.520 --> 0:32:43.479
<v Speaker 3>always work out. So people are constantly, like you know,

0:32:43.680 --> 0:32:47.720
<v Speaker 3>in these I don't know, like six week situationships, they're

0:32:47.840 --> 0:32:49.560
<v Speaker 3>dating someone for a little bit and then they don't

0:32:49.560 --> 0:32:52.800
<v Speaker 3>even have enough time to really build a full relationship.

0:32:52.880 --> 0:32:55.920
<v Speaker 3>So I don't know if that's necessarily the individual's problem.

0:32:56.000 --> 0:32:58.640
<v Speaker 3>And a lot of people just like I don't know,

0:32:58.680 --> 0:33:01.640
<v Speaker 3>they don't they don't want the nonsense. They like, want

0:33:01.760 --> 0:33:04.880
<v Speaker 3>someone who's serious and they want commitments, so they're they're

0:33:04.920 --> 0:33:08.239
<v Speaker 3>fine with holding out because they're really fulfilled in and

0:33:08.280 --> 0:33:11.280
<v Speaker 3>of themselves. And it's just like if someone's dope and

0:33:11.320 --> 0:33:13.920
<v Speaker 3>they really want to commit, they're ready for that. But

0:33:14.320 --> 0:33:15.880
<v Speaker 3>other than that, they don't want to play games.

0:33:16.320 --> 0:33:19.600
<v Speaker 2>That's a complete different perspective. I think when people look

0:33:19.640 --> 0:33:22.320
<v Speaker 2>and they're like, oh, that means they're afraid of commitment. No,

0:33:22.480 --> 0:33:25.240
<v Speaker 2>maybe they aren't afraid of commitment and they just know

0:33:25.320 --> 0:33:28.160
<v Speaker 2>that they don't want to be committed to that person.

0:33:28.880 --> 0:33:32.840
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, yes, yeah, I definitely wouldn't write someone off for that.

0:33:32.920 --> 0:33:34.560
<v Speaker 3>If anything, I would be intrigued. I would be like,

0:33:34.600 --> 0:33:38.240
<v Speaker 3>what's going on here? How are you that strong? Like, what's.

0:33:42.040 --> 0:33:45.040
<v Speaker 1>Before you leave the lab? We need your benediction, your

0:33:45.080 --> 0:33:47.760
<v Speaker 1>parting shot. You know, is there a message you think

0:33:47.800 --> 0:33:48.680
<v Speaker 1>we all need to hear?

0:33:49.040 --> 0:33:52.920
<v Speaker 3>Yeah. I really feel like a foundational piece of the

0:33:53.040 --> 0:33:56.200
<v Speaker 3>art of arguing. Like when you're having an argument with

0:33:56.240 --> 0:33:59.880
<v Speaker 3>your partner one, you're not trying to win, You're trying

0:33:59.920 --> 0:34:03.800
<v Speaker 3>to understand. And that is big because we get so

0:34:04.000 --> 0:34:07.600
<v Speaker 3>quickly defensive in an argument and both people are trying

0:34:07.640 --> 0:34:09.759
<v Speaker 3>to dominate the narrative, both people are trying to sort

0:34:09.760 --> 0:34:13.799
<v Speaker 3>of dominate like who's right and who's wrong. Granted, there

0:34:13.840 --> 0:34:18.759
<v Speaker 3>will probably be times where someone definitely needs to apologize,

0:34:19.480 --> 0:34:23.640
<v Speaker 3>but usually there's a backstory something happened, and if you

0:34:23.719 --> 0:34:26.520
<v Speaker 3>really care for your partner, and you remind yourself like,

0:34:26.560 --> 0:34:28.600
<v Speaker 3>this is not my enemy, this is like the person

0:34:28.640 --> 0:34:32.480
<v Speaker 3>that I love, my roommate, and let's take turns listening

0:34:32.520 --> 0:34:36.040
<v Speaker 3>to each other selflessly. It's just like this Buddhist monk

0:34:36.120 --> 0:34:40.759
<v Speaker 3>tiknat Hans said, love is understanding, and that quote is

0:34:40.880 --> 0:34:44.080
<v Speaker 3>so true. So it's not about winning in arguments. You

0:34:44.200 --> 0:34:47.560
<v Speaker 3>just you know, you're trying to understand how things happen,

0:34:47.560 --> 0:34:50.319
<v Speaker 3>and when you really understand each other, the tension just

0:34:50.360 --> 0:34:52.720
<v Speaker 3>fizzles out and you're like, oh, I see what's happening.

0:35:00.440 --> 0:35:09.000
<v Speaker 2>Yes, I really loved this episode as our first episode

0:35:09.080 --> 0:35:13.359
<v Speaker 2>back because relationships platonic or romantic can be complicated, and

0:35:13.400 --> 0:35:15.680
<v Speaker 2>I feel like we have a lot of tools now

0:35:15.960 --> 0:35:20.400
<v Speaker 2>that we need to continue our healthy relationship with our friends.

0:35:20.800 --> 0:35:23.279
<v Speaker 2>We talked about the power of the pause, right Zie,

0:35:24.239 --> 0:35:29.920
<v Speaker 2>and our pause was a little long, and I think

0:35:30.160 --> 0:35:33.680
<v Speaker 2>that us coming back to the relationship, we're even stronger

0:35:33.719 --> 0:35:36.360
<v Speaker 2>now you know. I don't know if absence made the

0:35:36.360 --> 0:35:40.400
<v Speaker 2>heart grow fonder with y'all, but it definitely did for us.

0:35:40.680 --> 0:35:42.359
<v Speaker 1>If it made it grow fonder, drop us a heart.

0:35:42.400 --> 0:35:44.000
<v Speaker 1>We want to see it, We want to feel the love.

0:35:44.600 --> 0:35:49.840
<v Speaker 2>Yes, show us you love us, we made you. We're sorry. Okay, Yes,

0:35:50.040 --> 0:35:52.319
<v Speaker 2>we're standing outside your windows with a boombox.

0:36:02.120 --> 0:36:05.000
<v Speaker 1>You can find Young Pueblo on Instagram at y u

0:36:05.200 --> 0:36:07.040
<v Speaker 1>n G Underscore Pueblo.

0:36:07.160 --> 0:36:10.279
<v Speaker 2>You can find us on X and Instagram at Dope

0:36:10.360 --> 0:36:11.160
<v Speaker 2>Lab Podcast.

0:36:11.520 --> 0:36:14.960
<v Speaker 1>Tt Is on X and Instagram at dr Underscore t s.

0:36:15.080 --> 0:36:18.080
<v Speaker 2>H O, and you can find Zakiya at Z said So.

0:36:18.520 --> 0:36:20.760
<v Speaker 1>Dope Labs is a production of Lemonada Media.

0:36:21.000 --> 0:36:25.640
<v Speaker 2>Our senior supervising producer is Kristin Lapour and our associate

0:36:25.680 --> 0:36:27.760
<v Speaker 2>producer is Issara Savez.

0:36:28.480 --> 0:36:31.800
<v Speaker 1>Dope Labs is sound designed, edited and mixed by James

0:36:31.840 --> 0:36:36.080
<v Speaker 1>farber Lamanada Media's Vice President of Partnerships and Production is

0:36:36.200 --> 0:36:40.840
<v Speaker 1>Jackie Danziger. Executive producer from iHeart Podcast is Katrina Norvill.

0:36:41.239 --> 0:36:45.880
<v Speaker 1>Marketing lead is Alison Kanter. Original music composed and produced

0:36:45.880 --> 0:36:50.200
<v Speaker 1>by Taka Yasuzawa and Alex sugi Ura, with additional music

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<v Speaker 1>by Elijah Harvey. Dope Labs is executive produced by us

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<v Speaker 1>T T Show, Dia and Zakiah Wattley.

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<v Speaker 2>Two