Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Hello Friends. One was a
Speaker 1: lot of things, but more than anything, it was the
Speaker 1: year of exits. Everyone was exiting something. People were exiting
Speaker 1: their jobs. Deontay Wilder exited consciousness. Even Bill confor got
Speaker 1: out of jail, and that was an exit that nobody wanted.
Speaker 1: And you might have thought the most expensive exit of
Speaker 1: the year was Bill and Melinda Gates divorce. But you're
Speaker 1: forgetting a much bigger separation that costs more money than
Speaker 1: Microsoft Boy could ever dream of. After nearly twenty years,
Speaker 1: the last U S troops have left Bogram Air Base
Speaker 1: in Afghanistan, obviously the the end of the chapter for
Speaker 1: America's forever war. The total costs they've estimated is two
Speaker 1: point to six one trillion dollars. Damn, two point six
Speaker 1: one trillion dollars. I'll America pay for that on a
Speaker 1: credit card because those points will come in handy when
Speaker 1: we're booking flights in the next country we were invade.
Speaker 1: Does Iran take chase a fire? I guess we'll find out.
Speaker 1: But yes, after twenty long years, the US finally left Afghanistan.
Speaker 1: And you know it's really over because America didn't even
Speaker 1: accidentally leave a toothbrush behind, so we have an excuse
Speaker 1: to go back. Whoops, silly me. But maybe while I'm
Speaker 1: over we can try someone nation building again. And while
Speaker 1: no breakup, it's never easy, this one was handled especially poorly,
Speaker 1: although not as poorly as my last breakup. You think
Speaker 1: Afghanistan was bad, you try telling me you want to
Speaker 1: see other people. You don't need to withdraw from my apartment.
Speaker 1: I'm throwing your ass out the window myself. Where was I? Oh? Yes,
Speaker 1: while our troops were exiting Afghanistan, some of the richest
Speaker 1: Americans couldn't wait to exit America, and they were going
Speaker 1: to the normal rich people places like Monico or Fiji
Speaker 1: or Jeffrey Epstein's Island. No, they were exiting the Earth's atmosphere.
Speaker 1: Billionaires in space, Richard Branson going where no billionaire has
Speaker 1: gone before. Hours from now, Jeff Bezos will be launching
Speaker 1: to the heavens. Space, like senior director said, the company
Speaker 1: actually saw an increase in increase from people who wanted
Speaker 1: to buy a private spacecraft. So clearly there are a
Speaker 1: lot of rich people out there, much richer than the
Speaker 1: rest of us. Well, first of all, this is relatable
Speaker 1: after a year of lockdown. I was ready to blast
Speaker 1: in the space too. And these billionaires don't even live
Speaker 1: next to an apartment with a poodle yap in all
Speaker 1: damn day, just pooping the house. Mr Sprinkles, nobody cares
Speaker 1: your owners is nasty anyway. Still can't get these rich
Speaker 1: judes to calm down. I guess for these guys, you're
Speaker 1: not rich unless everyone knows you're rich. Humans, martians, Cleon's
Speaker 1: the warms from Doom, whatever the hell Chewbacca is everybody now.
Speaker 1: What I don't understand is why their rockets keep going
Speaker 1: up and then land them back on Earth again. If
Speaker 1: you're gonna get the out, get out, you keep calming
Speaker 1: and going listen, arch, don't start charging. You will grab
Speaker 1: a charge. And no, we're not giving you a wrist
Speaker 1: band either. You're gonna have to pay every time you
Speaker 1: come back in. But not everyone's exit was voluntary. Take
Speaker 1: former President Donald Trump. No, I'm not talking abou him
Speaker 1: getting kicked at the White House. I'm talking about him
Speaker 1: getting kicked off of the place he cared about a
Speaker 1: lot more social media. Well they did it. Donald Trump
Speaker 1: has officially been kicked off Twitter in the wake of
Speaker 1: Wednesday siege right here at the Capitol. The social media
Speaker 1: giant announced late Friday that Trump is now permanently suspended
Speaker 1: from the platform. A long list of social media sites
Speaker 1: have now either banned or restricted President Trump, including Twitter, Facebook, YouTube,
Speaker 1: and Spotify. Yeah ha, Trump got booted from basically every
Speaker 1: social media site in January, and you know why, which
Speaker 1: is kind of a shame because it deprived us of
Speaker 1: what might have been the funniest milk great challenge of
Speaker 1: all time. I mean, he even got kicked off of Spotify.
Speaker 1: I know Trump did a lot of damages president, but
Speaker 1: what could he have possibly done on Spotify where they
Speaker 1: scared to start a podcast? Because lord no, you wouldn't
Speaker 1: want anyone on Spotify hyping up middle aged white men
Speaker 1: with misinformation. While billionaires were exiting gravity and Trump was
Speaker 1: exiting Twitter, Americans were exiting their damn minds. I know,
Speaker 1: nobody likes wearing mask and getting a shot, but some
Speaker 1: of y'all were embarrassing yourself. We don't see up. It's
Speaker 1: only gonna get worse. You don't need a mask, you
Speaker 1: might wanting one warning. Really, what in the hell when
Speaker 1: did every American become a mix between mel Gibson and
Speaker 1: Braveheart and Mel Gibson after his arrest and for what
Speaker 1: because the mask feels itchy on your ship? Go t
Speaker 1: come on to I'll tell you who. I feel bad
Speaker 1: for those poor flight attendants. How do you lose your
Speaker 1: damn mind to the point where you assault the person
Speaker 1: that's supposed to save you in a plane crash? I
Speaker 1: know if somebody gotten outitude on my plane, I have
Speaker 1: no problem opening the door and letting the ask get
Speaker 1: sucked out. You found the right one to day. So
Speaker 1: there you have it. Those are the biggest exits of one.
Speaker 1: Now it's excuse me. I have to make an exit
Speaker 1: of my own. I got an exit my apartment and
Speaker 1: find a new place. I'm done living next to Mr Sprinkles.
Speaker 1: You win, you gaping ask dog? So does anyone know
Speaker 1: of the one betroom apartment where the neighbor is not
Speaker 1: a poodle? Two bedroom, three bedroom. I have money. I'm
Speaker 1: currently on TV No Racist watch The Daily Show weeknights
Speaker 1: Central or Comedy Central in stream Fool episodes anytime in
Speaker 1: Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast