Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful friends, Welcome to your favorite podcast, Cheek
Speaker 1: is in Chill, where you come to chill, grow, and glow. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm going to take a deep breath because I can
Speaker 1: already tell that this episode is going to be a lot,
Speaker 1: and I'm calling it Chapter forty. I have a pretty
Speaker 1: big birthday coming up on Thursday, June twenty six, and
Speaker 1: I'll be honest, sometimes even saying that number out loud
Speaker 1: makes me pause, and not because I'm ashamed of it,
Speaker 1: but because there's this weird energy around it, like you're
Speaker 1: supposed to have everything figured out by forty, Like there's
Speaker 1: this invisible checklist career, family, body, love, healing, and if
Speaker 1: you haven't hit all the marks, there's a whisper that
Speaker 1: says you're behind. So I want to talk about all
Speaker 1: of that, and I'm gonna be completely vulnerable and tell
Speaker 1: you exactly what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, because
Speaker 1: that's what this podcast is all about. And I'm not
Speaker 1: going to worry about what other people are going to
Speaker 1: say because what I have to say is more important.
Speaker 1: So let's talk about it Chapter forty. Guys, I mean honestly,
Speaker 1: even hearing that and hearing that number jolts me, and
Speaker 1: I've been trying to figure out why, because if I
Speaker 1: sit here today, I'm very proud of everything I've been
Speaker 1: able to accomplish, especially with all the adversities and the
Speaker 1: obstacles I've had to face, and the loss and the
Speaker 1: grief that I have faced, especially in the past twelve years.
Speaker 1: I mean ever since I was twelve years old when
Speaker 1: I lost my dad and not physically well physically because
Speaker 1: he ran That's a whole other story. But it's been
Speaker 1: a lot, and I'm very proud of how far I've
Speaker 1: come and that I've been able to keep my heart
Speaker 1: in the right place despite how mean people have been.
Speaker 1: And I'm forty and for the majority of my adulthood,
Speaker 1: I had decided I wasn't going to have kids, and
Speaker 1: I made certain choices and I live my life a
Speaker 1: certain way because I just didn't think I was going
Speaker 1: to have kids. Like I was like, Okay, I'm good
Speaker 1: with not having children. I raise my siblings. I'm good
Speaker 1: with taking care of other people's kids. If I have
Speaker 1: a man that has kids, I'll take care of his kids.
Speaker 1: I'm fine with that. I'll adopt. But now that I'm
Speaker 1: with someone that I love and that is younger than me.
Speaker 1: I do feel a bit of pressure to be honest,
Speaker 1: especially because I love my husband and I want my
Speaker 1: relationship to work and I want to be able to
Speaker 1: give them something that he desires. So I think that
Speaker 1: has been causing me a little bit, more like not
Speaker 1: being able to enjoy this birthday as much. Not only that,
Speaker 1: but things with my siblings haven't been great. We've never
Speaker 1: been this distant, and I did not ever think that
Speaker 1: I would get to such an important ai, such an
Speaker 1: important chapter of my life, and things were gonna look
Speaker 1: this way. And I've been doing everything I possibly can
Speaker 1: to help my body conceive naturally because I have my eggs.
Speaker 1: They're there, they're frozen. I have that option, and I'm
Speaker 1: grateful that I did that, but it was a very
Speaker 1: very hard process. IVF has been. IVF was tough, but
Speaker 1: I'm glad that it exists and I'm glad that I
Speaker 1: was able to do that because it takes off some
Speaker 1: of the pressure. But since I also know what it
Speaker 1: is to go through it, it frightens me a little bit.
Speaker 1: So I want to be able to conceive naturally the
Speaker 1: way I did last year, even though we lost it.
Speaker 1: I just felt like my body's telling me, doesn't matter
Speaker 1: how old you are, it doesn't matter what the doctors say,
Speaker 1: you still get a period. You can do this. Your
Speaker 1: body can do this. Our bodies are so freaking smart, guys,
Speaker 1: so magical. We can heal our bodies. God has all
Speaker 1: the herbs and all the medicine that we need on
Speaker 1: this earth for us to heal our body. And I
Speaker 1: really believe in that. So I've been doing my part,
Speaker 1: you know, but it hasn't happened, and it's okay. I
Speaker 1: don't want to force it. I don't want to pressure it.
Speaker 1: But I think it's been like a subtle little thing
Speaker 1: in my heart because things are not as great with
Speaker 1: my siblings and I don't feel as close because everyone's
Speaker 1: growing up and everyone's doing their own thing as they should,
Speaker 1: but it's still ways heavy on me. So now I
Speaker 1: feel this void in my heart that I want to
Speaker 1: feel with a child more than I ever have, especially
Speaker 1: because I have a partner that I want to satisfy,
Speaker 1: and I think, what if there's a possibility I can't
Speaker 1: because I'm gonna be forty Guys, like, whether I want
Speaker 1: to accept it or not, or as young as I feel,
Speaker 1: because I do feel very young. I have a biological
Speaker 1: clock and that is fucking real, and I think that's
Speaker 1: been what's caused a little turmoil in my heart and
Speaker 1: in my mind. But if I take that and I
Speaker 1: put that to the side for a little bit, I
Speaker 1: can honestly tell you that I am proud and I
Speaker 1: have accomplished a lot of things, and I'm now in
Speaker 1: this new space of healing and becoming and coming back
Speaker 1: to myself and my essence. And it's literally another chapter
Speaker 1: another floor. Dude, I was in my twenties and I'm like, oh, forty,
Speaker 1: that's so far away. And it happens so quickly. I
Speaker 1: don't know if it's because I've been so busy working
Speaker 1: and hustling that so much happened. Life just went by
Speaker 1: so fast because I was so fixated on work and
Speaker 1: doing my thing and hustling and the whole thing that
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh shit, this happened. Like I'm here. But
Speaker 1: if I really dig deep, I'm happy and I'm grateful.
Speaker 1: And I wrote a little something that I want to
Speaker 1: read to you guys. I wrote it two nights ago,
Speaker 1: and I was like, what I want to tell people
Speaker 1: I always express myself. I write a lot in my notes.
Speaker 1: I write. I have voice notes guys voice memos now
Speaker 1: that you guys listen to for Sincerely, Jane, and I've
Speaker 1: been really enjoying it writing again, and this is part
Speaker 1: of being Janee and coming back to myself is writing.
Speaker 1: So here we go. I'll be honest. Sometimes even saying
Speaker 1: the number out loud makes me pause, not because I'm
Speaker 1: ashamed of it, but because there's this weird energy around it,
Speaker 1: like you're supposed to have everything figured out by forty,
Speaker 1: Like there's this invisible checklist career, family, body, love, healing,
Speaker 1: and if you haven't hit all the marks, there's a
Speaker 1: whisper that says you're behind. But here's what I've come
Speaker 1: to realize. I'm not behind. I'm evolving. I may not
Speaker 1: have a baby yet, and that's something I feel every day.
Speaker 1: Some days it's a quiet grief and other days it's hope.
Speaker 1: But I'm trusting God's timing. I'm listening to my body.
Speaker 1: I'm preparing my soul and that's something I'm proud of
Speaker 1: because motherhood for me isn't about a deadline, It's about alignment.
Speaker 1: I have built a career that's completely my own. I
Speaker 1: have won awards, I've overcome loss, heartbreak, betrayal, and the
Speaker 1: kind of grief that cracks you open. I've reinvented myself.
Speaker 1: I've loved deeply, I've forgiven, I've let go of people
Speaker 1: who didn't know how to love me. And I've chosen
Speaker 1: myself even when it was lonely. I've used my voice
Speaker 1: to speak my truth even when it shook. And physically,
Speaker 1: I feel stronger than I ever have. I'm in the
Speaker 1: best shape of my life, and not just because of
Speaker 1: how I look, but because of how I feel. I
Speaker 1: want to take care of this body, my home with
Speaker 1: more intention than ever. I want to eat for energy,
Speaker 1: move for joy, rest for restoration, and I want to
Speaker 1: speak kindly to every inch of my being. Mentally and spiritually,
Speaker 1: I've gone so much. I've learned to slow down, to
Speaker 1: listen more, to trust more deeply in God's voice and
Speaker 1: my own intuition. I've become more protective of my peace,
Speaker 1: more aware of what drains me and what fuels me.
Speaker 1: And I've started releasing the idea that I have to
Speaker 1: explain myself to people who never try to understand me.
Speaker 1: That's one that's a very heavy one, guys. Turning forty
Speaker 1: is a portal. It's an invitation to let go of
Speaker 1: the pressure to perform and embrace the permission to be
Speaker 1: to be soft, to be strong, to be wise and curious,
Speaker 1: to be powerful and still playful. There's a lot shifting
Speaker 1: in my life right now. But some days I feel confused,
Speaker 1: other days I feel divinely guided, and most days I
Speaker 1: feel both. But I've learned to trust that confusion is
Speaker 1: just a sign that something new is coming and that
Speaker 1: I'm in the middle of becoming. And there's something else
Speaker 1: I've been thinking about as this birthday approaches, that I'm
Speaker 1: getting closer in age to the age my mom was
Speaker 1: when she passed, and that that feels weird, emotional, a
Speaker 1: little eerie because I feel so full of life right
Speaker 1: now and I can't help but wonder did she feel
Speaker 1: full too? Was she dreaming of more? Was she still
Speaker 1: becoming just like I am? And then I remember the
Speaker 1: dream I had with her, guys, and I want to
Speaker 1: share it with you. I hadn't dreapped my mom in
Speaker 1: a long time. My mom was forty three when she passed.
Speaker 1: I can't even imagine, and I don't know if it's
Speaker 1: because I had been thinking about that, honestly, like when
Speaker 1: I get to forty three or when I pass the
Speaker 1: age my mom was God willing when she passed, like
Speaker 1: I wonder how am I going to feel? And again,
Speaker 1: maybe because I've been thinking that so much. I had
Speaker 1: this dream and I haven't dreamt her in so long years.
Speaker 1: I want to say at least six. I can't really remember,
Speaker 1: but it's been years and I've only dreamt her twice,
Speaker 1: and this time it felt so real. I was in
Speaker 1: my glamor room. I was putting clothes away, the way
Speaker 1: I've been doing a lot lately, because I organized my
Speaker 1: closet and I want everything to be exactly where I
Speaker 1: put it. And I was putting my clothes away. I
Speaker 1: was putting it on a hanger. And she comes in
Speaker 1: through the door, and she looks a little upset, and
Speaker 1: she looks so beautiful, like she was just chilling, like
Speaker 1: didn't have any makeup on. Her hair was a little
Speaker 1: messy but cute, and she had on like a little
Speaker 1: sports outfit, very Jenny. And I could sense her presence,
Speaker 1: and I could sense that something was wrong because I
Speaker 1: know her so well, so I just looked at her
Speaker 1: and said, okay, are you okay? Mom? Like, are you
Speaker 1: upset with me? Did I do something wrong? Like you
Speaker 1: seem upset? And she sat down and she said, no,
Speaker 1: I just I came here just to tell you something
Speaker 1: I just got back from. I don't know if she
Speaker 1: had said something spiritual, I don't remember exactly, but she
Speaker 1: had just got back from somewhere and she said I
Speaker 1: have to tell you something. And I said, uh huh,
Speaker 1: And I was just still putting the clothes on the
Speaker 1: hanger and I just kind of paused and I looked
Speaker 1: at her, and I'm like, yeah, what's wrong? Like I
Speaker 1: was like I felt like there was urgency, Like it
Speaker 1: was just this serious, like just this look on her
Speaker 1: face that I can't I can't even explain. And she said, well,
Speaker 1: I just have to tell you that you're not going
Speaker 1: to make it to forty, baby, You're not and there
Speaker 1: are evil forces that don't want you to make it
Speaker 1: to forty and you're not going to make it and
Speaker 1: it's not going to be pretty. And I just I
Speaker 1: need to tell you that. And I just started crying.
Speaker 1: I'm like, what do you mean? Like I felt to
Speaker 1: like there's an automan in my glam room and I
Speaker 1: sat on the automan and I was like, mom, what
Speaker 1: are you talking about? And she's like, it's okay, it's
Speaker 1: gonna be fine. I'm here for you. I'm going to
Speaker 1: help you. And she hugged me, and I was crying
Speaker 1: like I'm like, I felt it so real and actually
Speaker 1: I'm not done reading what I wrote in my notes.
Speaker 1: Maybe she wasn't warning me about death. Maybe she was
Speaker 1: warning me not to die while still alive, not to
Speaker 1: lose myself, not to abandon my joy, my dreams, my truth.
Speaker 1: Maybe she's saying, miha, don't waste time living a life
Speaker 1: that doesn't feel like yours. And that message that urgency
Speaker 1: has changed me. Guys, it really helped me appreciate so much.
Speaker 1: Maybe it was her way of saying, live, go all in,
Speaker 1: don't wait for permission. Now where am I going? I'm
Speaker 1: going in deeper into my purpose. I'm moving slower, more intentionally.
Speaker 1: I want to love that feels safe, friendships that feel reciprocal,
Speaker 1: work that feels healing, and a life that feels like me.
Speaker 1: And maybe the biggest lesson I've learned in this season
Speaker 1: is I am allowed to change. I am allowed to
Speaker 1: let go of versions of me that people clung onto.
Speaker 1: I'm allowed to stop explaining and start embodying. I'm allowed
Speaker 1: to evolve, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Ooh, snap it.
Speaker 1: And I woke up, and you guys, I took the
Speaker 1: biggest deep breath. I was like, like that kind of
Speaker 1: like gasp. I was like, oh my God, thank God,
Speaker 1: it's not real because it felt so real. And I
Speaker 1: woke up and I didn't say anything to Amelia, and
Speaker 1: I was like, what does this mean? God? What does
Speaker 1: this mean? And I believe in speaking your dream so
Speaker 1: that they don't come true or you know, and I'll
Speaker 1: I'll google it. And I didn't this time because I
Speaker 1: was like, I want to do the inner work. What
Speaker 1: is she trying to tell me? And I went back
Speaker 1: to me being so afraid for so long because in
Speaker 1: the industry, guys, your age is a big thing, especially
Speaker 1: for women. I don't know if it's like that for men,
Speaker 1: but I guess if you're an athlete and stuff like that,
Speaker 1: they're like, oh, he's old, and I'm like, dude, he
Speaker 1: just turned thirty two. What do you mean he's old?
Speaker 1: I guess, and as an athlete he's old. So that's
Speaker 1: something that's always bothered me. And in singing it don't
Speaker 1: tell your age, like have them wonder and don't ever
Speaker 1: talk about it and blah blah blah. And so I've
Speaker 1: always felt that pressure. And I've been going through so
Speaker 1: much that I just almost felt like for a whole
Speaker 1: month I'd come in and out of not that I
Speaker 1: wanted to kill myself or I was suicidal and sorry,
Speaker 1: I don't mean to get dark, but I was just
Speaker 1: very tired in the soul and I would cry in
Speaker 1: and medi those arms and I'm like, Babe, I'm tired.
Speaker 1: I'm so tired, like not physically, my soul is exhausted,
Speaker 1: like and I would tell God, I'm like, God, if
Speaker 1: you want to take me, I'm okay with you taking me.
Speaker 1: I'm just exhausted, like things aren't like matching. And like
Speaker 1: I was having those thoughts, and after that dream, I
Speaker 1: woke up and I felt my body. I'm like I'm here,
Speaker 1: I'm alive. Like I felt this gratitude of life. And
Speaker 1: I think maybe that's what she I wanted to remind
Speaker 1: me of, Like because I'm not going to live in fear.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to worry about something happening and if
Speaker 1: that's God's will, and it's God's will, guys, Like, I'm
Speaker 1: not afraid of death because I know who I am
Speaker 1: and I know I have a first class ticket to heaven.
Speaker 1: Like I really really believe that if I were to
Speaker 1: pass right now, I know I'm going to heaven, I'm
Speaker 1: going with God. I have done my work, I have
Speaker 1: learned my lessons, I have done the work, so I'm
Speaker 1: not afraid of it. But in that moment and after
Speaker 1: that dream, I was like, no, wait, mom, I have
Speaker 1: so much to live for, Like I was telling her
Speaker 1: why she was hugging me. I'm like, Mom, I have
Speaker 1: so many more things I want to do. I want
Speaker 1: to help the world. I want to help the world.
Speaker 1: Heal like I have to stay here, and she's like,
Speaker 1: you're gonna come with me and I'm going to be there,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, no, Mom, I'm not ready. And it
Speaker 1: was so freaking crazy. So I just now I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 1: it was a dark dream. It was very scary, but
Speaker 1: I'm like I'm appreciating life and I'm like, yes, I'm
Speaker 1: here and I have to enjoy it and I have
Speaker 1: to be grateful and even if people in the industry
Speaker 1: or it's like, you know, it's not a good thing,
Speaker 1: or they're gonna see you as old, well fuck it,
Speaker 1: I'm old, whatever you want to call it. But I'm
Speaker 1: wise and I know a lot more than I did
Speaker 1: when I was twenty, and I'm going to share that
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna share all the experience and that's something
Speaker 1: no one can ever take for me. And I have
Speaker 1: to remember that because this is an accomplishment. Guys, I'm
Speaker 1: reaching an age where I am more myself than I
Speaker 1: ever have been, more myself than I have been in
Speaker 1: a long time. I know myself. I'm really really unapologetically myself.
Speaker 1: Like I don't want to lose certain people, of course,
Speaker 1: because there's certain people that I love, But if we're
Speaker 1: not as close as we were before, because our lives
Speaker 1: are going in different directions, Like I've learned to accept
Speaker 1: that we're not into the same kind of stuff. I've
Speaker 1: learned to accept that without judgment. Like I'm very proud.
Speaker 1: Thing is that whole damn biological clock. I'm going to
Speaker 1: celebrate my birthday in Egypt. I decided to leave early
Speaker 1: so that I can be somewhere else somewhere different where
Speaker 1: there's a lot of history and a lot of spirituality,
Speaker 1: so much grounding there. So we chose to go to
Speaker 1: Egypt first, so I'll be there on my birthday and
Speaker 1: I'm super excited to go and smell different air and
Speaker 1: taste different foods and experience this culture guys. And then
Speaker 1: from there we're going to go to Paris, and I'm excited.
Speaker 1: This is my life now is it's my husband and
Speaker 1: I and I'm just focusing on that, you know, And
Speaker 1: he doesn't care. I was like, how do you feel?
Speaker 1: He makes fun of me all the time. He makes
Speaker 1: jokes all the time. If we're watching something on television
Speaker 1: and it's like, oh, nineteen seventy five, He's like, hey, bib,
Speaker 1: how was it back then? I'm like, okay, dude, So
Speaker 1: he we learned to laugh at it now it doesn't
Speaker 1: bother me. Before in the beginning of our relationship, I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, my gosh, he's seven years younger. But
Speaker 1: he's so mature and so wise that I don't know.
Speaker 1: I don't even think about that much anymore. It's just
Speaker 1: when it happens to be about the baby, you know,
Speaker 1: because he's worried he's He went to the doctors with me,
Speaker 1: and the doctor told him, well, you know, this is
Speaker 1: what it's looking like inside, and this is what her
Speaker 1: body's telling her. So he got a little worried. But
Speaker 1: I'm like, no faith moves mountains, and God is the
Speaker 1: one that has the last word, and he is the
Speaker 1: God of miracles, and I am choosing to believe that
Speaker 1: he made it happen once and he's gonna make it
Speaker 1: happen again, and that's not and actually twice. So anyway,
Speaker 1: I just wanted to kind of come on here and
Speaker 1: talk to you guys about this because I know this
Speaker 1: is very real. Like I know there are women out
Speaker 1: there that are probably in the same position and worry
Speaker 1: about their age, and I think we need to stop
Speaker 1: worrying about the damn number so much and worry about
Speaker 1: who we are and what we give to the world
Speaker 1: and the change we're willing to make, not only in
Speaker 1: ourselves but for the world as a whole. Who cares.
Speaker 1: It's a freaking blessing to get to this point, you know.
Speaker 1: And I think about like people like Selena, guys, how
Speaker 1: young and full of life she was and she lost
Speaker 1: her life at what twenty three, you know, or Amy
Speaker 1: Winehouse at twenty seven. And these are people that I
Speaker 1: admire and that I love, and their life was taken
Speaker 1: from them, and maybe not even that way. Maybe they're
Speaker 1: in a better dimension. Maybe they're they graduated to a
Speaker 1: different world, and that's beautiful in itself. But I still
Speaker 1: have a lot to do here and I'm in the
Speaker 1: right place. I'm doing exactly what I need to do,
Speaker 1: and this podcast is part of that. And I just
Speaker 1: want to say thank you, guys, to my boss bees
Speaker 1: that have been with me from the very beginning when
Speaker 1: I was turning twenty five, and that's what I was
Speaker 1: introduced to the world, and now you're with me at
Speaker 1: my fortieth And thank you for loving me through thick
Speaker 1: and thin literally and for standing next to me and
Speaker 1: supporting me in all my endeavors and everything that I do,
Speaker 1: and being part of Bospion Nation and making this world
Speaker 1: a better place one hard at a time. And I
Speaker 1: did write something for all the women out there, I
Speaker 1: just can't find it. Give me a second. So if
Speaker 1: you're turning forty or thirty or fifty, or just entering
Speaker 1: a new chapter, let this be you're a reminder you're
Speaker 1: not late. You're not behind, You're becoming and that's something
Speaker 1: to be proud of. Happy birthday to me and to
Speaker 1: anyone who's choosing themselves again and again, Let's keep going
Speaker 1: in love, in peace and in truth. Just keep swimming.
Speaker 1: Just keep swimming like Dory. I love that movie. So
Speaker 1: that's what I wrote, guys, and that's what I have
Speaker 1: for this episode. I hope it all made sense. I
Speaker 1: am so grateful that you're listening and that you're here
Speaker 1: with me, and that you are going to enter this
Speaker 1: new chapter of my life. I don't know what it holds,
Speaker 1: but I know it's going to be beautiful. When I did
Speaker 1: my first session of mushrooms the five grams last year,
Speaker 1: I ough, guys, I really felt like God was allowing
Speaker 1: me to feel so much joy with everything I had
Speaker 1: been through. So I want to think that this next
Speaker 1: half of my year, like this next half of my life,
Speaker 1: is going to be of course ups and downs, but
Speaker 1: just so different and a little bit more peaceful because
Speaker 1: I'm choosing to choose myself and choose the things that
Speaker 1: I'm into, and choose the things that I want and
Speaker 1: to heal and all the things that I just said,
Speaker 1: so say a little prayer for me, Blow a little
Speaker 1: candle out for me because I'll be in Egypt. I
Speaker 1: love you, I appreciate you very much, and thank you
Speaker 1: for coming back to heal with me. I love you, guys.
Speaker 1: I'll catch you on the next episode of Cheeky's and Chill.
Speaker 1: This is a production of iHeartRadio and The microdoora podcast network.
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