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Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful friends, Welcome to your favorite podcast, Cheek

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Speaker 1: is in Chill, where you come to chill, grow, and glow. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to take a deep breath because I can

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Speaker 1: already tell that this episode is going to be a lot,

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Speaker 1: and I'm calling it Chapter forty. I have a pretty

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Speaker 1: big birthday coming up on Thursday, June twenty six, and

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Speaker 1: I'll be honest, sometimes even saying that number out loud

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Speaker 1: makes me pause, and not because I'm ashamed of it,

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Speaker 1: but because there's this weird energy around it, like you're

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Speaker 1: supposed to have everything figured out by forty, Like there's

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Speaker 1: this invisible checklist career, family, body, love, healing, and if

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Speaker 1: you haven't hit all the marks, there's a whisper that

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Speaker 1: says you're behind. So I want to talk about all

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Speaker 1: of that, and I'm gonna be completely vulnerable and tell

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Speaker 1: you exactly what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, because

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Speaker 1: that's what this podcast is all about. And I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to worry about what other people are going to

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Speaker 1: say because what I have to say is more important.

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Speaker 1: So let's talk about it Chapter forty. Guys, I mean honestly,

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Speaker 1: even hearing that and hearing that number jolts me, and

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Speaker 1: I've been trying to figure out why, because if I

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Speaker 1: sit here today, I'm very proud of everything I've been

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Speaker 1: able to accomplish, especially with all the adversities and the

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Speaker 1: obstacles I've had to face, and the loss and the

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Speaker 1: grief that I have faced, especially in the past twelve years.

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Speaker 1: I mean ever since I was twelve years old when

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Speaker 1: I lost my dad and not physically well physically because

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Speaker 1: he ran That's a whole other story. But it's been

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Speaker 1: a lot, and I'm very proud of how far I've

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Speaker 1: come and that I've been able to keep my heart

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Speaker 1: in the right place despite how mean people have been.

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Speaker 1: And I'm forty and for the majority of my adulthood,

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Speaker 1: I had decided I wasn't going to have kids, and

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Speaker 1: I made certain choices and I live my life a

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Speaker 1: certain way because I just didn't think I was going

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Speaker 1: to have kids. Like I was like, Okay, I'm good

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Speaker 1: with not having children. I raise my siblings. I'm good

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Speaker 1: with taking care of other people's kids. If I have

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Speaker 1: a man that has kids, I'll take care of his kids.

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Speaker 1: I'm fine with that. I'll adopt. But now that I'm

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Speaker 1: with someone that I love and that is younger than me.

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Speaker 1: I do feel a bit of pressure to be honest,

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Speaker 1: especially because I love my husband and I want my

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Speaker 1: relationship to work and I want to be able to

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Speaker 1: give them something that he desires. So I think that

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Speaker 1: has been causing me a little bit, more like not

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Speaker 1: being able to enjoy this birthday as much. Not only that,

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Speaker 1: but things with my siblings haven't been great. We've never

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Speaker 1: been this distant, and I did not ever think that

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Speaker 1: I would get to such an important ai, such an

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Speaker 1: important chapter of my life, and things were gonna look

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Speaker 1: this way. And I've been doing everything I possibly can

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Speaker 1: to help my body conceive naturally because I have my eggs.

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Speaker 1: They're there, they're frozen. I have that option, and I'm

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Speaker 1: grateful that I did that, but it was a very

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Speaker 1: very hard process. IVF has been. IVF was tough, but

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Speaker 1: I'm glad that it exists and I'm glad that I

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Speaker 1: was able to do that because it takes off some

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Speaker 1: of the pressure. But since I also know what it

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Speaker 1: is to go through it, it frightens me a little bit.

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Speaker 1: So I want to be able to conceive naturally the

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Speaker 1: way I did last year, even though we lost it.

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Speaker 1: I just felt like my body's telling me, doesn't matter

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Speaker 1: how old you are, it doesn't matter what the doctors say,

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Speaker 1: you still get a period. You can do this. Your

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Speaker 1: body can do this. Our bodies are so freaking smart, guys,

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Speaker 1: so magical. We can heal our bodies. God has all

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Speaker 1: the herbs and all the medicine that we need on

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Speaker 1: this earth for us to heal our body. And I

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Speaker 1: really believe in that. So I've been doing my part,

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Speaker 1: you know, but it hasn't happened, and it's okay. I

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Speaker 1: don't want to force it. I don't want to pressure it.

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Speaker 1: But I think it's been like a subtle little thing

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Speaker 1: in my heart because things are not as great with

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Speaker 1: my siblings and I don't feel as close because everyone's

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Speaker 1: growing up and everyone's doing their own thing as they should,

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Speaker 1: but it's still ways heavy on me. So now I

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Speaker 1: feel this void in my heart that I want to

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Speaker 1: feel with a child more than I ever have, especially

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Speaker 1: because I have a partner that I want to satisfy,

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Speaker 1: and I think, what if there's a possibility I can't

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Speaker 1: because I'm gonna be forty Guys, like, whether I want

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Speaker 1: to accept it or not, or as young as I feel,

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Speaker 1: because I do feel very young. I have a biological

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Speaker 1: clock and that is fucking real, and I think that's

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Speaker 1: been what's caused a little turmoil in my heart and

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Speaker 1: in my mind. But if I take that and I

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Speaker 1: put that to the side for a little bit, I

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Speaker 1: can honestly tell you that I am proud and I

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Speaker 1: have accomplished a lot of things, and I'm now in

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Speaker 1: this new space of healing and becoming and coming back

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Speaker 1: to myself and my essence. And it's literally another chapter

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Speaker 1: another floor. Dude, I was in my twenties and I'm like, oh, forty,

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Speaker 1: that's so far away. And it happens so quickly. I

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Speaker 1: don't know if it's because I've been so busy working

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Speaker 1: and hustling that so much happened. Life just went by

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Speaker 1: so fast because I was so fixated on work and

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Speaker 1: doing my thing and hustling and the whole thing that

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh shit, this happened. Like I'm here. But

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Speaker 1: if I really dig deep, I'm happy and I'm grateful.

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Speaker 1: And I wrote a little something that I want to

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Speaker 1: read to you guys. I wrote it two nights ago,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, what I want to tell people

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Speaker 1: I always express myself. I write a lot in my notes.

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Speaker 1: I write. I have voice notes guys voice memos now

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Speaker 1: that you guys listen to for Sincerely, Jane, and I've

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Speaker 1: been really enjoying it writing again, and this is part

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Speaker 1: of being Janee and coming back to myself is writing.

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Speaker 1: So here we go. I'll be honest. Sometimes even saying

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Speaker 1: the number out loud makes me pause, not because I'm

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Speaker 1: ashamed of it, but because there's this weird energy around it,

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Speaker 1: like you're supposed to have everything figured out by forty,

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Speaker 1: Like there's this invisible checklist career, family, body, love, healing,

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Speaker 1: and if you haven't hit all the marks, there's a

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Speaker 1: whisper that says you're behind. But here's what I've come

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Speaker 1: to realize. I'm not behind. I'm evolving. I may not

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Speaker 1: have a baby yet, and that's something I feel every day.

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Speaker 1: Some days it's a quiet grief and other days it's hope.

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Speaker 1: But I'm trusting God's timing. I'm listening to my body.

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Speaker 1: I'm preparing my soul and that's something I'm proud of

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Speaker 1: because motherhood for me isn't about a deadline, It's about alignment.

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Speaker 1: I have built a career that's completely my own. I

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Speaker 1: have won awards, I've overcome loss, heartbreak, betrayal, and the

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Speaker 1: kind of grief that cracks you open. I've reinvented myself.

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Speaker 1: I've loved deeply, I've forgiven, I've let go of people

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Speaker 1: who didn't know how to love me. And I've chosen

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Speaker 1: myself even when it was lonely. I've used my voice

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Speaker 1: to speak my truth even when it shook. And physically,

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Speaker 1: I feel stronger than I ever have. I'm in the

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Speaker 1: best shape of my life, and not just because of

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Speaker 1: how I look, but because of how I feel. I

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Speaker 1: want to take care of this body, my home with

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Speaker 1: more intention than ever. I want to eat for energy,

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Speaker 1: move for joy, rest for restoration, and I want to

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Speaker 1: speak kindly to every inch of my being. Mentally and spiritually,

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Speaker 1: I've gone so much. I've learned to slow down, to

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Speaker 1: listen more, to trust more deeply in God's voice and

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Speaker 1: my own intuition. I've become more protective of my peace,

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Speaker 1: more aware of what drains me and what fuels me.

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Speaker 1: And I've started releasing the idea that I have to

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Speaker 1: explain myself to people who never try to understand me.

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Speaker 1: That's one that's a very heavy one, guys. Turning forty

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Speaker 1: is a portal. It's an invitation to let go of

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Speaker 1: the pressure to perform and embrace the permission to be

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Speaker 1: to be soft, to be strong, to be wise and curious,

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Speaker 1: to be powerful and still playful. There's a lot shifting

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Speaker 1: in my life right now. But some days I feel confused,

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Speaker 1: other days I feel divinely guided, and most days I

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Speaker 1: feel both. But I've learned to trust that confusion is

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Speaker 1: just a sign that something new is coming and that

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Speaker 1: I'm in the middle of becoming. And there's something else

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Speaker 1: I've been thinking about as this birthday approaches, that I'm

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Speaker 1: getting closer in age to the age my mom was

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Speaker 1: when she passed, and that that feels weird, emotional, a

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Speaker 1: little eerie because I feel so full of life right

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Speaker 1: now and I can't help but wonder did she feel

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Speaker 1: full too? Was she dreaming of more? Was she still

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Speaker 1: becoming just like I am? And then I remember the

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Speaker 1: dream I had with her, guys, and I want to

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Speaker 1: share it with you. I hadn't dreapped my mom in

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Speaker 1: a long time. My mom was forty three when she passed.

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Speaker 1: I can't even imagine, and I don't know if it's

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Speaker 1: because I had been thinking about that, honestly, like when

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Speaker 1: I get to forty three or when I pass the

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Speaker 1: age my mom was God willing when she passed, like

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Speaker 1: I wonder how am I going to feel? And again,

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Speaker 1: maybe because I've been thinking that so much. I had

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Speaker 1: this dream and I haven't dreamt her in so long years.

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Speaker 1: I want to say at least six. I can't really remember,

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Speaker 1: but it's been years and I've only dreamt her twice,

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Speaker 1: and this time it felt so real. I was in

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Speaker 1: my glamor room. I was putting clothes away, the way

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Speaker 1: I've been doing a lot lately, because I organized my

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Speaker 1: closet and I want everything to be exactly where I

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Speaker 1: put it. And I was putting my clothes away. I

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Speaker 1: was putting it on a hanger. And she comes in

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Speaker 1: through the door, and she looks a little upset, and

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Speaker 1: she looks so beautiful, like she was just chilling, like

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Speaker 1: didn't have any makeup on. Her hair was a little

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Speaker 1: messy but cute, and she had on like a little

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Speaker 1: sports outfit, very Jenny. And I could sense her presence,

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Speaker 1: and I could sense that something was wrong because I

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Speaker 1: know her so well, so I just looked at her

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Speaker 1: and said, okay, are you okay? Mom? Like, are you

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Speaker 1: upset with me? Did I do something wrong? Like you

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Speaker 1: seem upset? And she sat down and she said, no,

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Speaker 1: I just I came here just to tell you something

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Speaker 1: I just got back from. I don't know if she

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Speaker 1: had said something spiritual, I don't remember exactly, but she

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Speaker 1: had just got back from somewhere and she said I

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Speaker 1: have to tell you something. And I said, uh huh,

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Speaker 1: And I was just still putting the clothes on the

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Speaker 1: hanger and I just kind of paused and I looked

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Speaker 1: at her, and I'm like, yeah, what's wrong? Like I

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Speaker 1: was like I felt like there was urgency, Like it

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Speaker 1: was just this serious, like just this look on her

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Speaker 1: face that I can't I can't even explain. And she said, well,

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Speaker 1: I just have to tell you that you're not going

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Speaker 1: to make it to forty, baby, You're not and there

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Speaker 1: are evil forces that don't want you to make it

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Speaker 1: to forty and you're not going to make it and

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Speaker 1: it's not going to be pretty. And I just I

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Speaker 1: need to tell you that. And I just started crying.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, what do you mean? Like I felt to

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Speaker 1: like there's an automan in my glam room and I

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Speaker 1: sat on the automan and I was like, mom, what

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Speaker 1: are you talking about? And she's like, it's okay, it's

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Speaker 1: gonna be fine. I'm here for you. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: help you. And she hugged me, and I was crying

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Speaker 1: like I'm like, I felt it so real and actually

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Speaker 1: I'm not done reading what I wrote in my notes.

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Speaker 1: Maybe she wasn't warning me about death. Maybe she was

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Speaker 1: warning me not to die while still alive, not to

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Speaker 1: lose myself, not to abandon my joy, my dreams, my truth.

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Speaker 1: Maybe she's saying, miha, don't waste time living a life

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Speaker 1: that doesn't feel like yours. And that message that urgency

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Speaker 1: has changed me. Guys, it really helped me appreciate so much.

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Speaker 1: Maybe it was her way of saying, live, go all in,

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Speaker 1: don't wait for permission. Now where am I going? I'm

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Speaker 1: going in deeper into my purpose. I'm moving slower, more intentionally.

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Speaker 1: I want to love that feels safe, friendships that feel reciprocal,

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Speaker 1: work that feels healing, and a life that feels like me.

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Speaker 1: And maybe the biggest lesson I've learned in this season

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Speaker 1: is I am allowed to change. I am allowed to

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Speaker 1: let go of versions of me that people clung onto.

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Speaker 1: I'm allowed to stop explaining and start embodying. I'm allowed

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Speaker 1: to evolve, even if it makes others uncomfortable. Ooh, snap it.

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Speaker 1: And I woke up, and you guys, I took the

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Speaker 1: biggest deep breath. I was like, like that kind of

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Speaker 1: like gasp. I was like, oh my God, thank God,

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Speaker 1: it's not real because it felt so real. And I

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Speaker 1: woke up and I didn't say anything to Amelia, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, what does this mean? God? What does

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Speaker 1: this mean? And I believe in speaking your dream so

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Speaker 1: that they don't come true or you know, and I'll

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Speaker 1: I'll google it. And I didn't this time because I

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Speaker 1: was like, I want to do the inner work. What

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Speaker 1: is she trying to tell me? And I went back

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Speaker 1: to me being so afraid for so long because in

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Speaker 1: the industry, guys, your age is a big thing, especially

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Speaker 1: for women. I don't know if it's like that for men,

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Speaker 1: but I guess if you're an athlete and stuff like that,

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Speaker 1: they're like, oh, he's old, and I'm like, dude, he

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Speaker 1: just turned thirty two. What do you mean he's old?

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Speaker 1: I guess, and as an athlete he's old. So that's

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Speaker 1: something that's always bothered me. And in singing it don't

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Speaker 1: tell your age, like have them wonder and don't ever

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Speaker 1: talk about it and blah blah blah. And so I've

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Speaker 1: always felt that pressure. And I've been going through so

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Speaker 1: much that I just almost felt like for a whole

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Speaker 1: month I'd come in and out of not that I

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Speaker 1: wanted to kill myself or I was suicidal and sorry,

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Speaker 1: I don't mean to get dark, but I was just

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Speaker 1: very tired in the soul and I would cry in

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Speaker 1: and medi those arms and I'm like, Babe, I'm tired.

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Speaker 1: I'm so tired, like not physically, my soul is exhausted,

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Speaker 1: like and I would tell God, I'm like, God, if

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Speaker 1: you want to take me, I'm okay with you taking me.

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Speaker 1: I'm just exhausted, like things aren't like matching. And like

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Speaker 1: I was having those thoughts, and after that dream, I

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Speaker 1: woke up and I felt my body. I'm like I'm here,

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Speaker 1: I'm alive. Like I felt this gratitude of life. And

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Speaker 1: I think maybe that's what she I wanted to remind

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Speaker 1: me of, Like because I'm not going to live in fear.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to worry about something happening and if

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Speaker 1: that's God's will, and it's God's will, guys, Like, I'm

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Speaker 1: not afraid of death because I know who I am

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Speaker 1: and I know I have a first class ticket to heaven.

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Speaker 1: Like I really really believe that if I were to

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Speaker 1: pass right now, I know I'm going to heaven, I'm

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Speaker 1: going with God. I have done my work, I have

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Speaker 1: learned my lessons, I have done the work, so I'm

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Speaker 1: not afraid of it. But in that moment and after

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Speaker 1: that dream, I was like, no, wait, mom, I have

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Speaker 1: so much to live for, Like I was telling her

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Speaker 1: why she was hugging me. I'm like, Mom, I have

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Speaker 1: so many more things I want to do. I want

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Speaker 1: to help the world. I want to help the world.

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Speaker 1: Heal like I have to stay here, and she's like,

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Speaker 1: you're gonna come with me and I'm going to be there,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, no, Mom, I'm not ready. And it

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Speaker 1: was so freaking crazy. So I just now I'm like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: it was a dark dream. It was very scary, but

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Speaker 1: I'm like I'm appreciating life and I'm like, yes, I'm

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Speaker 1: here and I have to enjoy it and I have

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Speaker 1: to be grateful and even if people in the industry

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Speaker 1: or it's like, you know, it's not a good thing,

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Speaker 1: or they're gonna see you as old, well fuck it,

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Speaker 1: I'm old, whatever you want to call it. But I'm

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Speaker 1: wise and I know a lot more than I did

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Speaker 1: when I was twenty, and I'm going to share that

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Speaker 1: and I'm gonna share all the experience and that's something

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Speaker 1: no one can ever take for me. And I have

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Speaker 1: to remember that because this is an accomplishment. Guys, I'm

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Speaker 1: reaching an age where I am more myself than I

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Speaker 1: ever have been, more myself than I have been in

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Speaker 1: a long time. I know myself. I'm really really unapologetically myself.

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Speaker 1: Like I don't want to lose certain people, of course,

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Speaker 1: because there's certain people that I love, But if we're

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Speaker 1: not as close as we were before, because our lives

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Speaker 1: are going in different directions, Like I've learned to accept

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Speaker 1: that we're not into the same kind of stuff. I've

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Speaker 1: learned to accept that without judgment. Like I'm very proud.

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Speaker 1: Thing is that whole damn biological clock. I'm going to

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Speaker 1: celebrate my birthday in Egypt. I decided to leave early

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Speaker 1: so that I can be somewhere else somewhere different where

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of history and a lot of spirituality,

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Speaker 1: so much grounding there. So we chose to go to

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Speaker 1: Egypt first, so I'll be there on my birthday and

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Speaker 1: I'm super excited to go and smell different air and

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Speaker 1: taste different foods and experience this culture guys. And then

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Speaker 1: from there we're going to go to Paris, and I'm excited.

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Speaker 1: This is my life now is it's my husband and

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Speaker 1: I and I'm just focusing on that, you know, And

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Speaker 1: he doesn't care. I was like, how do you feel?

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Speaker 1: He makes fun of me all the time. He makes

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Speaker 1: jokes all the time. If we're watching something on television

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Speaker 1: and it's like, oh, nineteen seventy five, He's like, hey, bib,

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Speaker 1: how was it back then? I'm like, okay, dude, So

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Speaker 1: he we learned to laugh at it now it doesn't

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Speaker 1: bother me. Before in the beginning of our relationship, I

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Speaker 1: was like, oh, my gosh, he's seven years younger. But

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Speaker 1: he's so mature and so wise that I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I don't even think about that much anymore. It's just

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Speaker 1: when it happens to be about the baby, you know,

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Speaker 1: because he's worried he's He went to the doctors with me,

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Speaker 1: and the doctor told him, well, you know, this is

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Speaker 1: what it's looking like inside, and this is what her

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Speaker 1: body's telling her. So he got a little worried. But

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Speaker 1: I'm like, no faith moves mountains, and God is the

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Speaker 1: one that has the last word, and he is the

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Speaker 1: God of miracles, and I am choosing to believe that

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Speaker 1: he made it happen once and he's gonna make it

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Speaker 1: happen again, and that's not and actually twice. So anyway,

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Speaker 1: I just wanted to kind of come on here and

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Speaker 1: talk to you guys about this because I know this

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Speaker 1: is very real. Like I know there are women out

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Speaker 1: there that are probably in the same position and worry

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Speaker 1: about their age, and I think we need to stop

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Speaker 1: worrying about the damn number so much and worry about

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Speaker 1: who we are and what we give to the world

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Speaker 1: and the change we're willing to make, not only in

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Speaker 1: ourselves but for the world as a whole. Who cares.

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Speaker 1: It's a freaking blessing to get to this point, you know.

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Speaker 1: And I think about like people like Selena, guys, how

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Speaker 1: young and full of life she was and she lost

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Speaker 1: her life at what twenty three, you know, or Amy

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Speaker 1: Winehouse at twenty seven. And these are people that I

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Speaker 1: admire and that I love, and their life was taken

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Speaker 1: from them, and maybe not even that way. Maybe they're

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Speaker 1: in a better dimension. Maybe they're they graduated to a

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Speaker 1: different world, and that's beautiful in itself. But I still

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Speaker 1: have a lot to do here and I'm in the

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Speaker 1: right place. I'm doing exactly what I need to do,

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Speaker 1: and this podcast is part of that. And I just

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Speaker 1: want to say thank you, guys, to my boss bees

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Speaker 1: that have been with me from the very beginning when

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Speaker 1: I was turning twenty five, and that's what I was

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Speaker 1: introduced to the world, and now you're with me at

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Speaker 1: my fortieth And thank you for loving me through thick

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Speaker 1: and thin literally and for standing next to me and

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Speaker 1: supporting me in all my endeavors and everything that I do,

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Speaker 1: and being part of Bospion Nation and making this world

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Speaker 1: a better place one hard at a time. And I

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Speaker 1: did write something for all the women out there, I

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Speaker 1: just can't find it. Give me a second. So if

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Speaker 1: you're turning forty or thirty or fifty, or just entering

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Speaker 1: a new chapter, let this be you're a reminder you're

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Speaker 1: not late. You're not behind, You're becoming and that's something

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Speaker 1: to be proud of. Happy birthday to me and to

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Speaker 1: anyone who's choosing themselves again and again, Let's keep going

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Speaker 1: in love, in peace and in truth. Just keep swimming.

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Speaker 1: Just keep swimming like Dory. I love that movie. So

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Speaker 1: that's what I wrote, guys, and that's what I have

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Speaker 1: for this episode. I hope it all made sense. I

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Speaker 1: am so grateful that you're listening and that you're here

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Speaker 1: with me, and that you are going to enter this

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Speaker 1: new chapter of my life. I don't know what it holds,

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Speaker 1: but I know it's going to be beautiful. When I did

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Speaker 1: my first session of mushrooms the five grams last year,

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Speaker 1: I ough, guys, I really felt like God was allowing

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Speaker 1: me to feel so much joy with everything I had

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Speaker 1: been through. So I want to think that this next

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Speaker 1: half of my year, like this next half of my life,

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Speaker 1: is going to be of course ups and downs, but

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Speaker 1: just so different and a little bit more peaceful because

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Speaker 1: I'm choosing to choose myself and choose the things that

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Speaker 1: I'm into, and choose the things that I want and

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Speaker 1: to heal and all the things that I just said,

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Speaker 1: so say a little prayer for me, Blow a little

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Speaker 1: candle out for me because I'll be in Egypt. I

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Speaker 1: love you, I appreciate you very much, and thank you

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Speaker 1: for coming back to heal with me. I love you, guys.

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Speaker 1: I'll catch you on the next episode of Cheeky's and Chill.

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Speaker 1: This is a production of iHeartRadio and The microdoora podcast network.

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Speaker 1: Follow us on Instagram at Michael Doda Podcasts, then follow

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Speaker 1: me Cheeky's That's c h I q U i s.

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Speaker 1: For more podcasts from iHeart, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

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Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite podcast