1 00:00:02,279 --> 00:00:03,720 Speaker 1: This is my legacy. 2 00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:07,640 Speaker 2: In this week's bonus drop, Jillian Direki, the relationship coach 3 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:11,160 Speaker 2: millions Turned in with Love gets Hard, opens up about 4 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:14,440 Speaker 2: how her most painful beginning shaped her life's work helping 5 00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:17,760 Speaker 2: others heal their past, break old patterns, and open their 6 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:20,759 Speaker 2: hearts to real connection. Joined by her close friend and 7 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:24,800 Speaker 2: yoga guru Nikki Costello, she shares her most hard one wisdom. 8 00:00:25,239 --> 00:00:28,440 Speaker 3: Let's jump in, Okay, Julie, We're gonna go way back 9 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,280 Speaker 3: to the beginning if you don't mind, so so really 10 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:31,840 Speaker 3: understand you. 11 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:35,960 Speaker 4: Of course, your father was the fame child psychiatrist, doctor 12 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,800 Speaker 4: Stanley Tureki, who wrote the book The Difficult Child, And 13 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,680 Speaker 4: if I may say, it was of course based on you. 14 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:46,600 Speaker 4: And you've been very open and brave talking about the 15 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:51,400 Speaker 4: emotional volatility in your childhood, the chaotic reality. So when 16 00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:55,639 Speaker 4: you look at your early relationships, how did your childhood 17 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,160 Speaker 4: shape those early relationships. 18 00:00:58,360 --> 00:00:59,440 Speaker 5: That's a big question. 19 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:05,920 Speaker 1: My parents were immigrants, so my mom was born and 20 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,240 Speaker 1: raised in South Africa. 21 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:10,759 Speaker 5: My father was born. 22 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:16,080 Speaker 1: In Poland, but when he was an infant, escaped Nazi 23 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:21,520 Speaker 1: basically World War Two. Because he was Jewish. He and 24 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:24,640 Speaker 1: his parents found their way to South Africa, where my 25 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:27,440 Speaker 1: father went to medical school, then ended up meeting my 26 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:30,800 Speaker 1: mom and they came to the States in nineteen sixty eight, 27 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:35,640 Speaker 1: and there was already there's so many things to it, right, 28 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:42,240 Speaker 1: There's generation, there's culture, and my mother was not raised 29 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:48,280 Speaker 1: in a time where women were taught how to love 30 00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:51,720 Speaker 1: themselves and how to stand up for themselves. It was 31 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:55,640 Speaker 1: more like, here's a handsome Jewish doctor, you must marry him, 32 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:58,480 Speaker 1: you know, That's just how it went. 33 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,640 Speaker 5: And so but they were not. They were completely wrong. 34 00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:05,080 Speaker 1: For each other, and so when they came to this country, 35 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:11,960 Speaker 1: they it was a very volatile, volatile marriage. I mean, 36 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:17,000 Speaker 1: my mom was unhappy and my father, as brilliant as 37 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:20,840 Speaker 1: he was and as many people as he helped, fought 38 00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:27,359 Speaker 1: tremendous demons internally, which we know that's not an unfamiliar story, right, 39 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 1: That's a very common story in many people. And so 40 00:02:30,639 --> 00:02:36,120 Speaker 1: he had undiagnosed bipolar and he was very unpredictable. And 41 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,960 Speaker 1: so I come into the world as the last child, 42 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:45,040 Speaker 1: and I was very very sensitive. And some people are 43 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:49,280 Speaker 1: just born very sensitive, so they are picking up on 44 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:54,960 Speaker 1: surroundings more, right, And so when you place a sensitive 45 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:59,040 Speaker 1: child inside of a home where there is a lot 46 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:04,520 Speaker 1: of you know, the eggshells are scattered throughout and everyone 47 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,440 Speaker 1: has to walk on them or figure out a way 48 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:14,200 Speaker 1: to circumvent them. My father was very unpredictable emotionally. He 49 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:18,720 Speaker 1: was never ever physically abusive to his children, but he 50 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:24,680 Speaker 1: was unreachable, unavailable. You never knew what kind of mood 51 00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,840 Speaker 1: he was going to be in, and so I grew 52 00:03:27,919 --> 00:03:32,400 Speaker 1: up trying to predict what his mood would be and 53 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:36,840 Speaker 1: avoiding him as much as possible. And so there was 54 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:39,280 Speaker 1: this little bit of oil and water. And my mom 55 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:45,160 Speaker 1: was ten was an amazing mom, but my father just 56 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:50,400 Speaker 1: couldn't Again a generation where fathers didn't change diapers, it 57 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:54,160 Speaker 1: was a complete it's different, right, and so there was 58 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,960 Speaker 1: a disconnect between the two of us, and I was 59 00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,160 Speaker 1: just very afraid of him. 60 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:00,360 Speaker 5: And then he just didn't know. 61 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:04,560 Speaker 1: Really how to make of my behavior. The fact that 62 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:08,840 Speaker 1: he was a child psychiatrist. He labeled me as difficult, 63 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,160 Speaker 1: but he called it the difficult child syndrome. And he 64 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:15,520 Speaker 1: wanted to write a book that would help parents understand 65 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:16,680 Speaker 1: their child and. 66 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,080 Speaker 5: Not blame themselves. 67 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:22,680 Speaker 1: And there's some value to the book if I can 68 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:29,560 Speaker 1: be very honest, But what's lacking is the understanding that 69 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:34,400 Speaker 1: the environment that the child is in will very much 70 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:38,440 Speaker 1: shape his or her behavior, and that there was no 71 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:42,800 Speaker 1: mention of what's going on between mom and dad, what 72 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:47,640 Speaker 1: is the kid picking up on? And so this label 73 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:51,240 Speaker 1: of difficult has been sort of this monkey on my 74 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:56,279 Speaker 1: back for most of my life, and so my challenge 75 00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:00,120 Speaker 1: has been to sort of shed that, to understand and 76 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:06,600 Speaker 1: then also to grow into an adult where I didn't 77 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:10,119 Speaker 1: despise my father, because for many years I did. 78 00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:11,039 Speaker 5: And so my. 79 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:17,040 Speaker 6: Spiritual path, for lack of a better way to describe it, 80 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,800 Speaker 6: was to get to a place not only where I 81 00:05:19,839 --> 00:05:25,320 Speaker 6: can accept myself, but where I could make peace with him. 82 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:28,960 Speaker 3: Wow, and you said so eloquently at the beginning, And 83 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,800 Speaker 3: I appreciate by the way the openness and the sharing 84 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,719 Speaker 3: that your own childhood shaped who you are. And so 85 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:38,200 Speaker 3: many people, of course, have had their own journey that 86 00:05:38,279 --> 00:05:41,200 Speaker 3: has been difficult in their childhoods. So when you look 87 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:44,800 Speaker 3: at how people carry that with them in relationships today 88 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:49,159 Speaker 3: that limit them from having those healthy relationships, what's the 89 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,520 Speaker 3: first piece of advice that you give someone on how 90 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:58,040 Speaker 3: they have to grow overcome be their best selves in 91 00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 3: light of that childhood experience that they may carry with them. 92 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:07,120 Speaker 1: Well, it begins with mindfulness, and what I mean by 93 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:13,839 Speaker 1: that is, can you look at a circumstance, a situation, 94 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:19,080 Speaker 1: an event, and can you challenge yourself to look at 95 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:24,640 Speaker 1: that event, circumstance, situation. Childhood would have you from different 96 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:33,160 Speaker 1: perspectives so that you expand, shift, deepen your understanding of 97 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:38,680 Speaker 1: what happened and you're not locked into a story that 98 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:43,360 Speaker 1: you've been living and telling yourself for decades. So the 99 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:47,000 Speaker 1: first piece of advice, you know, you want to have awareness, 100 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:51,840 Speaker 1: but in overcoming that, you have to be able to 101 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:57,360 Speaker 1: look at your childhood differently. I am a very very 102 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:04,520 Speaker 1: firm believer in sometimes what you're not given in life 103 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:10,720 Speaker 1: is actually what makes you gifted and strong. It's very 104 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:13,040 Speaker 1: interesting when we look at the fact that there are 105 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 1: people who are who are given everything from a young age, 106 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:22,200 Speaker 1: everything they could possibly want, and they still grew up 107 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:27,160 Speaker 1: to be a drug addict. Now, is it common that 108 00:07:27,640 --> 00:07:32,280 Speaker 1: something like drug addiction happens when there is childhood trauma? Absolutely, 109 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:36,920 Speaker 1: but why does it also happen when you've actually been 110 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:42,200 Speaker 1: given love or everything that you wanted. So the point 111 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:47,160 Speaker 1: that I'm trying to make is sometimes get not having 112 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:51,840 Speaker 1: the parent that you wish you had had or deserved 113 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:59,239 Speaker 1: is exactly what shaped you. So there is no way 114 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:02,880 Speaker 1: there is there's literally no chance that I would be 115 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:06,520 Speaker 1: sitting here today having written the book that I wrote, 116 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:10,360 Speaker 1: having helped the people that I've helped, speaking to you, 117 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: had I had the father I had always wanted, and 118 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:23,880 Speaker 1: so that gives me perspective, and it releases a lot 119 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:29,400 Speaker 1: of shame, guilt, self worth stuff, and then that's how 120 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:34,120 Speaker 1: you actually start to show up differently in your relationships. 121 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,440 Speaker 1: And then there's the nitty gritty of what did I 122 00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:40,000 Speaker 1: learn from mom and Dad that you know, we're not 123 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:45,160 Speaker 1: taught these skills in school. We learn from other flawed 124 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:48,360 Speaker 1: humans who were doing the best that they could with 125 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,840 Speaker 1: the tools that they had been given. And you have 126 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:57,760 Speaker 1: to always take into account a person's generation, culture, all 127 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:01,559 Speaker 1: of it, because all these things shape who a person is. 128 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:05,280 Speaker 1: And so I can look back at my father and say, Okay, 129 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:09,439 Speaker 1: yes he was trying all these things that would be 130 00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:13,520 Speaker 1: evidence of the fact that he was, you know, a 131 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:17,440 Speaker 1: crappy father. But then I can also take into a fact, 132 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:19,720 Speaker 1: take into account, well, I have no idea what it 133 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:23,760 Speaker 1: means to be born in Poland during World. 134 00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:25,160 Speaker 5: War Two as a Jew. 135 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:29,880 Speaker 1: I have no idea what it is to have your 136 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:32,960 Speaker 1: parents not tell you that you're Jewish until you're eighteen 137 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,959 Speaker 1: years old, and you have no idea because they were 138 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,040 Speaker 1: trying to protect. 139 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:37,760 Speaker 5: You from that identity. 140 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,719 Speaker 1: I have no idea what it's like to have bipolar. 141 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:46,480 Speaker 1: So I learned to stop taking it so personally, and 142 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:52,439 Speaker 1: that understanding of human nature has helped me in relationships, 143 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,839 Speaker 1: and that is what I tell people to do. You 144 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:58,719 Speaker 1: have to start to see things from different perspectives and 145 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:03,040 Speaker 1: that will help every facet of your relationship life, including 146 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:04,760 Speaker 1: when you're having an argument with your partner. 147 00:10:05,679 --> 00:10:09,160 Speaker 7: We're building something real here, one episode at a time. 148 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,600 Speaker 4: If you want to be part of it, subscribe. 149 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:15,720 Speaker 7: It's free, it matters, and we're just getting started. 150 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:25,760 Speaker 8: Now back to my legacy, Jillian, I'm sure that you 151 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,400 Speaker 8: have heard it all, people coming up to you in 152 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,800 Speaker 8: the airport or whatever you know, and or sending in 153 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:39,400 Speaker 8: through social media. You know, their stories of either your advice, 154 00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:43,360 Speaker 8: helping them find love or helping them find the strength 155 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:48,280 Speaker 8: to leave a bad relationship. Is there one particular story 156 00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,640 Speaker 8: that has really really stuck with you? 157 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:58,560 Speaker 1: I learned a lot about human behavior from all the 158 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:03,760 Speaker 1: people I've worked with, and there's one in particular. Since 159 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:08,559 Speaker 1: we're since this conversation has sort of taken the shape of. 160 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,520 Speaker 5: It begins with us, right, like. 161 00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:16,080 Speaker 1: It's how we feel about ourselves. I'd known her for 162 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:24,920 Speaker 1: many years and her pattern was just always sort of avoiding. 163 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,439 Speaker 5: Like true emotional intimacy, sort of like a. 164 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,280 Speaker 1: On the surface, she appeared to be a free spirit. 165 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:38,560 Speaker 1: Sometimes the free spirit archetype is you have to wonder 166 00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 1: are they truly a free spirit or are they afraid 167 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:42,400 Speaker 1: to be tethered to something? 168 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:42,880 Speaker 2: Right? 169 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:48,319 Speaker 1: You always have to kind of ask yourself that. And she, 170 00:11:48,559 --> 00:11:52,080 Speaker 1: in her late thirties started dating a man and he 171 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:58,120 Speaker 1: was good looking, he was smart, he was charming, and 172 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:03,240 Speaker 1: he was an absolute mess. And what made him a 173 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:08,320 Speaker 1: mess was the fact that he did cocaine. He was 174 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,640 Speaker 1: fifty one and didn't have a lot of direction in 175 00:12:10,679 --> 00:12:16,120 Speaker 1: his life, and most importantly, he played a lot of 176 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:24,480 Speaker 1: games with this girl. And I never saw her as 177 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:28,000 Speaker 1: a victim because, you know, one of the most profound 178 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:33,120 Speaker 1: pieces of advice that my mother gave me was Jillian 179 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:38,160 Speaker 1: people find each other. And so she was not sure 180 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:41,600 Speaker 1: of herself and didn't have the skill. So it was 181 00:12:41,679 --> 00:12:44,760 Speaker 1: perfect that she met someone who would treat her like this, 182 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:48,199 Speaker 1: because then instead of walking away from him, she played 183 00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,800 Speaker 1: all sorts of mind games with him too, pretending she 184 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:55,839 Speaker 1: doesn't care, starting fights, whatever it is. So the two 185 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:59,400 Speaker 1: of them were creating a mess together. And she was 186 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:02,000 Speaker 1: coming back from a trip to New York and he 187 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,800 Speaker 1: told her that he would pick her up at the airport. 188 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:09,440 Speaker 1: He never showed up, never texted or called to say 189 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:12,480 Speaker 1: that he would not show up, and was mia that 190 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,520 Speaker 1: whole entire day. And the next day he just said 191 00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:19,360 Speaker 1: he got busy. And I said to her, if this 192 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,600 Speaker 1: is not the last straw, I don't know what will be. 193 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:28,680 Speaker 1: And it wasn't for her, even though it felt horrible, 194 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:33,600 Speaker 1: and I realized that there's that when people really tolerate 195 00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:36,760 Speaker 1: that kind of BS, it's because they don't know that 196 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,720 Speaker 1: it can actually be better. She would break up with 197 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,240 Speaker 1: him and then get back together with him, and break 198 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,520 Speaker 1: up with him and get back together with him, and 199 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,559 Speaker 1: every time she broke up with him, she was feeling 200 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,600 Speaker 1: some sort of strength, right, She had some sort of 201 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:53,160 Speaker 1: energy that was inside of her that was like now's 202 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,199 Speaker 1: the time, and a lot of people will say, oh, 203 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:58,600 Speaker 1: because she doesn't love herself, and this and this and that. Sure, 204 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:03,400 Speaker 1: but that's that's a cop out answer, because there's always 205 00:14:03,559 --> 00:14:08,160 Speaker 1: more context. And every time she went back to him, 206 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:13,520 Speaker 1: something was going on with her self. 207 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:14,199 Speaker 5: Internally. 208 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:18,600 Speaker 1: She felt lonely, she was disconnected from family because her 209 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:21,880 Speaker 1: family was in a different state, so she wasn't around 210 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:28,720 Speaker 1: her sisters, work, she was feeling disappointed with work, a 211 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:32,760 Speaker 1: little lost, not knowing which direction to take. And so 212 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:37,320 Speaker 1: when you're disconnected from some friends, when you're disconnected from community, 213 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:42,040 Speaker 1: and when you're disconnected from purpose and direction, us humans 214 00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:47,400 Speaker 1: can feel often existentially is lost, right, And it was 215 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:51,200 Speaker 1: in those states that she would go back to him, 216 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:57,240 Speaker 1: because he at least was familiar and she knew him, 217 00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:00,560 Speaker 1: and he was predictable. Even though he's totally im predictable, 218 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:03,760 Speaker 1: he was predictable in his own way, and so she 219 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:07,720 Speaker 1: used him as sort of an anchor when she was 220 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:12,520 Speaker 1: feeling so untethered. And when I was able to point 221 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:17,080 Speaker 1: out that this was no longer about him, This was 222 00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:20,120 Speaker 1: no longer about oh, girl, you just need to love yourself. 223 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:26,600 Speaker 1: But this was really about understanding that if you don't 224 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:29,840 Speaker 1: know if your if your needs are not being met 225 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:34,680 Speaker 1: in life and you don't know how to meet those needs, 226 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,800 Speaker 1: you will seek out to get your needs met, even 227 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:42,040 Speaker 1: in unhealthy ways, and sometimes that's through the form of 228 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:48,280 Speaker 1: romantic interest. And so when she was able to then 229 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:53,200 Speaker 1: recognize first like because then she did finally break up 230 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,000 Speaker 1: with him, and then when she would start to feel 231 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:58,960 Speaker 1: those pangs of missing him, she would then be like, Oh, 232 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:03,200 Speaker 1: what else is going on with me right now? And 233 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:08,240 Speaker 1: that's how she started to slowly break the pattern. And 234 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:12,880 Speaker 1: that's just and that taught me a lot, because when 235 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:17,000 Speaker 1: it comes to helping others, you have to always understand 236 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:22,479 Speaker 1: context and where they are at in their relationship with themselves. 237 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:28,240 Speaker 1: That goes beyond what mommy and daddy did or didn't do. 238 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:33,400 Speaker 1: Even though that absolutely plays a role, it's not the 239 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:37,200 Speaker 1: only thing that plays a role. And since we can't 240 00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:42,640 Speaker 1: go back in time and change our childhood, helping people 241 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:49,200 Speaker 1: change in real time is to see the larger context. 242 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,320 Speaker 4: Jilane, and hearing you speak. 243 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:56,520 Speaker 3: This story was one of the most profound experiences in 244 00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:59,240 Speaker 3: this whole conversation because I felt it was like human 245 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:01,080 Speaker 3: pain thinner as you took us deeper and deeper and 246 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:05,520 Speaker 3: deeper and understanding until she could appreciate what the need was, 247 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:08,640 Speaker 3: that idea of connection, that idea of purpose, she could 248 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,600 Speaker 3: never truly understand why she was returning to him in 249 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:13,880 Speaker 3: that way. And you approach this human development from this 250 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:18,840 Speaker 3: incredible angle of what is that fundamental human need and 251 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:22,359 Speaker 3: understanding that human need. I'm going to then mirror that 252 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:27,320 Speaker 3: with Nikki. You approach it from almost a physical spiritual perspective, 253 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:29,960 Speaker 3: like you have spent time with the Dala Lama and 254 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:34,080 Speaker 3: you bring people ontobt and Buddhist retreats at monasteries, and 255 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:37,520 Speaker 3: so if you look at the other side of that equation, 256 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,520 Speaker 3: what have been some of the most profound transformations that 257 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:45,160 Speaker 3: you've seen in students and what are the lessons that 258 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:48,840 Speaker 3: that can apply either in your life or candidly to 259 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,120 Speaker 3: our listeners and viewers' lives. 260 00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:53,600 Speaker 5: Well, I'll hone in on what. 261 00:17:55,359 --> 00:17:59,240 Speaker 7: You've asked about in this particular experience of taking people 262 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:05,639 Speaker 7: on retreat and why yoga retreats or spiritual retreat is 263 00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:10,000 Speaker 7: such a profound aspect to one's practice. You can be 264 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,040 Speaker 7: in your daily life. You can be going to a 265 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:14,720 Speaker 7: class every week or twice a week with your teacher. 266 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:20,239 Speaker 7: When you go on retreat, you extract yourself from your 267 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:23,840 Speaker 7: daily commitments, your phone, your responsibilities, and so forth. And 268 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,960 Speaker 7: not only do you take yourself out of that daily life, 269 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:30,520 Speaker 7: but you go somewhere. And I bring people to places 270 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:34,720 Speaker 7: of pilgrimage, so I very specifically bring them somewhere where 271 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:38,040 Speaker 7: that place, that physical place is charged. 272 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:39,800 Speaker 5: It is. 273 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 7: It is like the environment, the land speaks to what 274 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:48,600 Speaker 7: it means to be with oneself without the you know, 275 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:54,520 Speaker 7: the luggage, the baggage of our daily life. So first 276 00:18:54,640 --> 00:19:01,280 Speaker 7: that's important place leaving something behind so that the capacity 277 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:04,320 Speaker 7: to be able to listen and to hear about what's 278 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:08,040 Speaker 7: really present it becomes greater. We become more sensitive, like 279 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:13,800 Speaker 7: our antennas are are are picking up new things. And 280 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:18,720 Speaker 7: I've observed students in the course of those retreats from 281 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:23,280 Speaker 7: day one to you know, day ten, and I see them, 282 00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:29,160 Speaker 7: I literally watch their faces and body become lighter, literally 283 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:33,000 Speaker 7: filled with light. So a certain way that the body 284 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:36,480 Speaker 7: holds tension is that if there's like a grip, there's 285 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:40,720 Speaker 7: also a hardness, and hardness is like a heaviness, so 286 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,800 Speaker 7: that there's like to really have the physical sensation of 287 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:55,640 Speaker 7: and lighter is huge. Also when there's clarity and clarity 288 00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:59,400 Speaker 7: and lightness and transparency and way of being. When all 289 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:04,199 Speaker 7: of these qualities are there, we have the capacity to 290 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:08,480 Speaker 7: hear our purpose and to feel it. Everyone that's come 291 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:11,000 Speaker 7: with me, and I've done this for over ten years 292 00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:15,639 Speaker 7: to this very particular place in Ladaque has had a 293 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:24,000 Speaker 7: life affirming, life changing experience. And I watch purpose literally 294 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:30,120 Speaker 7: surface in their being. And it's not a mental activity. 295 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:33,880 Speaker 5: It is why are you here? 296 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,800 Speaker 7: And what gift do you have to give to this 297 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,560 Speaker 7: world that we all need? What is your medicine? What 298 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:47,399 Speaker 7: is calling you? And there's something so extraordinary as a 299 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,280 Speaker 7: teacher to be able to bear witness to that. 300 00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:52,400 Speaker 5: I didn't do it. 301 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,879 Speaker 7: It's not the teacher. I just I got to escort 302 00:20:54,960 --> 00:21:00,520 Speaker 7: people and bring them into an opportunity to experience themselves 303 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:00,920 Speaker 7: that way. 304 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,120 Speaker 8: I just thought about that a song I hadn't thought 305 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:07,159 Speaker 8: about in many years. But this, this little light of mine, 306 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:13,320 Speaker 8: I'm gonna let it shine. Yes, Yeah, So that that 307 00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:16,679 Speaker 8: seems like that's exactly then that light turns on in 308 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:18,200 Speaker 8: any any of us. 309 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:23,560 Speaker 2: Thank you for joining us. If you enjoyed today's conversation, subscribe, share, 310 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,760 Speaker 2: and follow us on at my legacy movement on social 311 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:31,680 Speaker 2: media and YouTube. New episodes drop every Tuesday, with bonus 312 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:36,359 Speaker 2: content every Thursday. At its core, this podcast honors doctor 313 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:40,280 Speaker 2: King's vision of the beloved community and the power of connection. 314 00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:45,399 Speaker 2: A Legacy Plus studio production distributed by iHeartMedia creator and 315 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:49,879 Speaker 2: executive producer Suzanne Hayward co executive producer Lisa Lyle. Listen 316 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:53,160 Speaker 2: on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.