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Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heeart Radio podcast.

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Speaker 2: Well, we hit a big little milestone in the adult

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Speaker 2: education family. Our little Roman turned one, not so little.

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Speaker 2: I know, it's sad. It makes me. It makes me

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Speaker 2: sad because I think back and go. It just it

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Speaker 2: happens so fast.

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Speaker 1: He literally ate half a cake last night.

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Speaker 2: You're like, you only let him take a few little

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Speaker 2: tastes of it, and you're like, Okay, that's it. I'm like, no, babe,

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Speaker 2: this is his smashed cake. Like he's allowed to, this

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Speaker 2: is his cake. Have at it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I know.

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Speaker 3: We don't want to start his sugar addiction at the

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Speaker 3: age of one. And he's just changed these milk, so

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Speaker 3: they arefore those an unfluxu of icing, icing and sugar

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Speaker 3: and new milk.

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Speaker 1: It's not a good combination.

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Speaker 3: But as usual you it had an amazing buffy big

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Speaker 3: as you organized all these presents and you kicked your

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Speaker 3: amazing chili was it clothing?

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Speaker 2: It called terrific turkey chili. I'm the all recipes terrific.

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Speaker 1: Talk about you need to share that with this.

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Speaker 2: I know, but I add different things on there. I

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Speaker 2: had my own little twist on it. But you can

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Speaker 2: find the generic recipe on all recipes, but I just

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Speaker 2: add a bunch of the other stuff that's not in there.

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Speaker 1: They're going to keep that secret, are you No.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I don't really think anyone's going to take

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Speaker 2: cooking advice for me.

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Speaker 1: You're so much better than you think, but I don't know.

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Speaker 2: That's just because I've cooked that for years. And then

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Speaker 2: this other thing that you would never eat because it

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Speaker 2: has a load of cheese on it, which I wouldn't

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Speaker 2: eat now anyways too, but anyways.

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Speaker 1: Okay, best moment from his buffdy Oh.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I think just like having everyone because it

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Speaker 2: wasn't going to be we weren't going to do a

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Speaker 2: thing like with Jolie, I had like sixty people over

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Speaker 2: in this theme and cut like I mean, it was

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Speaker 2: just like so over the top. She was my first

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Speaker 2: and then with Jace when we had just moved here,

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Speaker 2: we did a first birthday for him too, and there

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Speaker 2: was a bunch of people. But for Roman, I just

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Speaker 2: felt like everyone's so busy and I didn't even want

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Speaker 2: to text any of the girls to be like come over,

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Speaker 2: because again I don't want them to feel obligated, knowing

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Speaker 2: that their lives our lives are crazy. There's they've got

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Speaker 2: so much going on and I don't want them to

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Speaker 2: feel obligated or feel like they have to. And it's

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Speaker 2: like it's just a first birthday.

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Speaker 1: Okay, So what was your favorite moment?

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm getting to it. My favorite moment was the

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Speaker 2: fact that they all came, you know, and they were

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Speaker 2: the ones that asked me about it, where they were like,

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Speaker 2: what are you doing for Roman? I was like, Oh,

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Speaker 2: We're just going to do a little smash cake for him,

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Speaker 2: just with the kids and keep it really small and

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Speaker 2: I'm not doing like a theme or a big part.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, you guys are all really busy. And Catherine

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Speaker 2: Sarah was the first one that said, no, I'm coming.

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Speaker 2: I want to see him. And then Catherine's like, if

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Speaker 2: you don't invite me, like she's she basically was like

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Speaker 2: I was coming whether you invited me or not. Pam

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Speaker 2: was like, am I not invited? And I'm like, no,

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Speaker 2: I didn't invite literally didn't, and like they were all

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Speaker 2: like down, like I didn't invite anyone because I just

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Speaker 2: didn't want to make I feel like you guys have

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Speaker 2: to come or like make it a thing. So but

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Speaker 2: the fact that they were all there and just when

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Speaker 2: everyone was singing Happy Birthday to him, and even though

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Speaker 2: he was staring off into like a sea of people

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Speaker 2: being like who are like this is why is everyone

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Speaker 2: singing to me? It just made me feel so sweet

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Speaker 2: because he's so loved and adored by you know. And

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Speaker 2: then your friends came from Scotland or not from Scotland,

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Speaker 2: but like they're from Scotland, but they live, you know,

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Speaker 2: in Memphis, and so it's just really sweet to have

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Speaker 2: people that just love him in the room. That was

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Speaker 2: my favorite part, and everyone's singing happy Birthday to him.

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Speaker 1: Yours mine was watching how you so when he sat

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Speaker 1: and he's little cheer and he's got the balloons behind

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Speaker 1: them and he's got these I think we were holding

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Speaker 1: the cake at that point, and everyone's singing Happy Buthday

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Speaker 1: and he's just kind of staying and staying and he.

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Speaker 3: Could go either way. He could cry, yeah, or he

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Speaker 3: could laugh, so you can see it. There was just

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Speaker 3: to see his little mind process and it's like, what

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Speaker 3: the hell are these people doing? I thought he was

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Speaker 3: everyone surrounding me and singing a song and looking and

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Speaker 3: staring at me. The process of everything composed they self,

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Speaker 3: and then when everyone started clapping, He's like, okay, this

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Speaker 3: is for me, and he started the moment that he

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Speaker 3: started clapping along with everyone else, and then he was

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Speaker 3: smiling and he's like, Okay, I get this. Now I

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Speaker 3: can eat nine hundred calories of cake in the second.

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Speaker 3: It was just to see how his little mind adjusted

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Speaker 3: to because he's never the situation where he's got what

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Speaker 3: like twenty five people around him cheering, singing Happy Buffday.

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Speaker 1: And so that was my That was my favorite moment.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree with you. It was really sweet.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, as I was bent down next to them, when

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Speaker 1: my soul.

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Speaker 2: Back is that why you don't want another one? Because

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Speaker 2: because we're so crippled.

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Speaker 3: I'm not crippled this week because of a child. I'm

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Speaker 3: crippled this week from getting too than forty three boxes

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Speaker 3: of Christmas decorations out of the attic, piled up ten

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Speaker 3: feet high.

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Speaker 2: Oh and I had to hear every step of.

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Speaker 1: It, every twisted step of it.

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Speaker 2: Let me ask you a question, what can I do

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Speaker 2: for you next year to make this situation decorating for

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Speaker 2: Christmas easier on you? Because from the way that I.

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Speaker 1: Do, it's not difficult on me, don't.

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Speaker 2: I heard nothing but.

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Speaker 1: Take it.

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Speaker 3: The difficult part is the difficult part is navigating your

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Speaker 3: way into the like for such a and we're very

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Speaker 3: grateful with such a big house that we've got.

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Speaker 1: The attic space is the size of a wardrobe.

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Speaker 2: It is very small, and.

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Speaker 3: It twists and turns out of Roman's room. Yeah, to

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Speaker 3: then go down the spiral.

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Speaker 2: It goes from a small door into his closet and

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Speaker 2: then a real you don't have much of a turn

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Speaker 2: into his bathroom, and then out his room into his room,

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Speaker 2: then out of his room.

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Speaker 3: So carrying the boxes is not carrying the box. It's

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Speaker 3: twisting the boxes around corners, Okay, and that's what That's

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Speaker 3: what hots my back?

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Speaker 1: Is it twisting?

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Speaker 3: So we need to find a bit of solution for

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Speaker 3: next year because the boxes are heavy and I'm not

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Speaker 3: walking on a mess back for a week.

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Speaker 2: What was the solution?

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Speaker 1: What is a solution? I need you think of it.

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Speaker 1: I've got a year to think about it.

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Speaker 2: Well, not really, because I think it depends how we'd

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Speaker 2: pack it back in, you know. So really you've got

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Speaker 2: when's Christmas? You have until after the day of Christmas

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Speaker 2: because that's when it's all going back in. But I listen,

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Speaker 2: Oh what if I just do it? I can all?

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Speaker 2: The only thing is all I've ever needed help was

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Speaker 2: do you know what I think it is? Carrying it out?

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Speaker 1: Do you know what I think?

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Speaker 2: Because I can't physically carry those But if I could

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Speaker 2: trust me, babe, I would because I'd rather do that

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Speaker 2: than here. Because I decorate everything, I did it all myself.

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Speaker 2: It helps me with five bulbs on the top of

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Speaker 2: the tree.

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Speaker 1: No, I built the tree, but I built the tree

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Speaker 1: the tree ways.

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Speaker 3: Yes, I can't at least one hundred kilos and it's

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Speaker 3: twelve fourteen three.

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Speaker 2: The help of our friend David, Yes, but then the rest.

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Speaker 1: Is emotional support. Do you know what I think? It is? Right?

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Speaker 3: My brain goes from season to season, and I don't

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Speaker 3: think my brain can yet process decoration has gone up

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Speaker 3: at the beginning of November.

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Speaker 2: I'm really sorry for your lass, but we're going to

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Speaker 2: have to re.

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Speaker 3: My brain needs reprogrammed on that and it needs to

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Speaker 3: become okay.

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Speaker 1: Right now, November is hit. It's decoration time.

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Speaker 3: Let's go whereas And now I'm like, okay, let's let's

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Speaker 3: see what November brings. And it's never in my head

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Speaker 3: to put decorations up. Can I just say, can I

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Speaker 3: just say, you do the most amazing job.

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Speaker 2: Thank you?

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Speaker 3: Either, like once I bring all the boxes down and

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Speaker 3: all the items, the way that you put it together, specially.

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Speaker 1: Making serious question is amazing.

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Speaker 2: Thank you. I enjoy it. So if I could, I

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Speaker 2: would take everything out and then put them back. I

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Speaker 2: just can't.

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Speaker 1: I think it's I think it's a woman thing enjoy that.

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Speaker 2: I do enjoy it. And I've realized I'm going to

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Speaker 2: defluff a tree by myself because I don't think men

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Speaker 2: understand how to do how to fluff a tree.

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Speaker 1: Fluff Gate is a whole different conversation.

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Speaker 2: It is because you I'm like you maybe have reaction.

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Speaker 1: To fluff Gate lasted probably a day and a half.

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Speaker 2: Well, it was just like the comments. I'm like, you, guys,

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Speaker 2: these these things are are smashed in boxes, like I'm

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Speaker 2: just asking if you can help me, and you're just

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Speaker 2: all it's like you're just touching the bristols. You're not

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Speaker 2: actually moving up or down or side like you have

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Speaker 2: to fill it in like a tree. And you look

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Speaker 2: at me like I'm stupid, And that triggers me because

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Speaker 2: I'm like I'm not the stupid one.

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Speaker 4: Here.

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Speaker 2: You're looking at a flat tree that's been shut into

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Speaker 2: a box.

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Speaker 1: I'm flat tree looks good.

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Speaker 2: It does not look good, So you have to defluff

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Speaker 2: it and move it around and trust me like my

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Speaker 2: mother taught me that. And but now I've gotten to

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Speaker 2: a place where I don't want you to touch any

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Speaker 2: tree brand. I'll do it. I'm fine with it now

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Speaker 2: because I'd rather do it than be made to feel

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Speaker 2: crazy for to fluffing a tree.

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Speaker 1: I've put my life on the lane and be fluffed.

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Speaker 2: Wait, Easton, it's so true.

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Speaker 1: He fluffed the top three ft of the tree.

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Speaker 2: Can you just pop on really fast? Because is which

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Speaker 2: side are you on? Mine or the guy? The guy

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Speaker 2: doesn't know how to difluff.

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Speaker 4: This is a very common fight.

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Speaker 1: It is.

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Speaker 2: It's like it's a frustration.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, all right. We we We have a tree

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Speaker 4: that comes at a box and every year my wife says,

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Speaker 4: can you help me fluff it? And she's never happy

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Speaker 4: with my fluffing. I'm so bad at it, and I try.

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Speaker 4: I've looked up how to fluff a tree, watch videos.

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Speaker 4: I can't do it. I don't have the eye for it.

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Speaker 4: I think it's an eye thing.

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Speaker 1: It's not on the male gene. It's not you.

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Speaker 2: Guys have you take the branch and then one goes up,

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Speaker 2: one goes this way, one goes that way, and then

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Speaker 2: so you fill the tree like it would be a branch.

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Speaker 2: This is how it comes that's not how when it

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Speaker 2: comes out that you guys lift, turn, move, separate.

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Speaker 4: I feel insane because like I do it, and then

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Speaker 4: I look at it, I'm like, oh, this looks like

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Speaker 4: a Charlie Brown. This is like a perfect tree. This

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Speaker 4: is for a greeting card. And then I'll like walk

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Speaker 4: away and come back there's a giant bald spot or like,

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Speaker 4: my god, like I just can't do it.

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Speaker 3: We've also got a tree in every room, so defluffing

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Speaker 3: has to happen in every room.

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Speaker 1: Some rooms. I think we've even get too trees.

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Speaker 2: Listen, I just okay, so women, just don't ask your

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Speaker 2: men to defluff a tree. Apparently it's just mid October.

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Speaker 2: Oh god, it was the beginning of November. And listen,

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Speaker 2: and can we just say, in defense my early decorations,

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Speaker 2: there's a lot of people that do it that you've

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Speaker 2: noticed also around the neighborhood. I'm grateful decorations up, so

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Speaker 2: we have We're going to take a break and then

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Speaker 2: we're going to bring our guest on. But I'm curious

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Speaker 2: because we've got a guest coming on. Her name is

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Speaker 2: Whitney Goodman and she is a radically honest psychotherapist. She's

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Speaker 2: got a big old Instagram sit with wit and she's

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Speaker 2: the founder of Calling Home, author of Toxic Positivity, and

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Speaker 2: the owner of the Collaborative Counseling Center. So she talks

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Speaker 2: a lot about family trauma and especially when the older

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Speaker 2: adult right, like almost the therapy for us. And I've

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Speaker 2: talked many times about my childhood. I guess wounds and

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Speaker 2: things that affected me in my adulthood. But I feel

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Speaker 2: like for you, Alan, like you had a really beautiful

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Speaker 2: upbringing and two great but it's like every time I go, oh,

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Speaker 2: does that go back to your childhood or does this?

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Speaker 2: Does this or is there a piece of your childhood

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Speaker 2: or what or what are your childhood wounds? And I

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Speaker 2: feel like I've never really like you don't really have them.

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Speaker 2: You're like, no, I grew up in a great family.

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Speaker 2: And because I'm always like, how does something not connect

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Speaker 2: to childhood or childhood wounds or childhood past.

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Speaker 1: Does it not connect to me?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, because that's I'm just so programmed to everything of

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Speaker 2: my issues being from childhood. Does that make sense?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? Not it does because I'm the opposite.

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Speaker 3: I don't really have any childhood childhood issues, nothing, And.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, and I almost feel like I'm like instigating

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Speaker 2: every time to be like but do like are you

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Speaker 2: sure there's not one thing? Or maybe like me like yeah,

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Speaker 2: like to you or I'm like, but are you sure,

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Speaker 2: like you're maybe your your dad didn't do this or

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Speaker 2: your mom didn't do this, or I'm just trying to

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Speaker 2: like figure it, like figure out maybe certain reasons why

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Speaker 2: you're certain ways now as an adult because of past,

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Speaker 2: not saying like the good or like good and bad

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Speaker 2: of it all.

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Speaker 3: I mean, I don't. I've had this discussion a few

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Speaker 3: times and I don't. I don't know anything that comes

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Speaker 3: from I didn't have an unbalanced, unstable childhood. I had

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Speaker 3: two supportive parents that would always be at sports and

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Speaker 3: support whatever I need to do. Home life was was good.

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Speaker 3: I mean, my mom and Dada are still together and

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Speaker 3: have been since they were like nineteen twenty years old.

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Speaker 3: So I always had that balance and that feeling of

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Speaker 3: safety to go back to my family home or be

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Speaker 3: in the family homes. I don't it's difficult for me

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Speaker 3: to think of anything that listen.

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Speaker 1: It was.

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Speaker 3: I grew up in East End of Glasgow. I've got

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Speaker 3: a generation of I think there's a natural cynicism in

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Speaker 3: Glasswegians and there's also a really tough, blue collar mentality.

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Speaker 3: My dad was like that. My grandfather was like that.

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Speaker 3: His grandfather was like that. I remember, I remember my grandfather.

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Speaker 3: I'd come back from football matches and my dad would

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Speaker 3: take me up or my grandfather be in the house

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Speaker 3: and they were like, how did you get on? I

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Speaker 3: was like, yeah, Grandpa, we won. We won like ten now,

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Speaker 3: and he's like, how many goals?

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Speaker 1: Just go? Like, scored eight out of the ten. He's like,

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Speaker 1: you must have.

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Speaker 3: Been playing against the blind asylum, not like, look well

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Speaker 3: done scoring eight goals out of the ten. You must

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Speaker 3: have been playing against blind people. I loved I loved them.

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Speaker 1: With bits, but it was just yeah, it was just tough.

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Speaker 3: And my dad like that, like like if if I

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Speaker 3: really want to hear the hard truth about something, the

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Speaker 3: real hard truth.

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Speaker 1: ILL asked my dad. He softened up over the years.

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Speaker 2: So this isn't a saying let's take a break and

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Speaker 2: then I want to bring this piece back up with Whitney. Hey, Hi,

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Speaker 2: how are you?

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Speaker 5: I'm good? How are you?

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Speaker 2: I'm good. I'm Jana. This is my husband Alan, Nice

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Speaker 2: to meet you. We're just going to hop right into

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Speaker 2: it because it's still a break. We were talking about.

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Speaker 2: So I have like loads of childhood traumas and things

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Speaker 2: that always like have I've you know, uncovered in therapy,

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Speaker 2: keep uncovering and you know it's so I marry this

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Speaker 2: amazing scotsman and he's I'm always like, Okay, I love

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Speaker 2: to talk about childhood wounds. It's like I'm like the

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Speaker 2: worst party person at a dinner party because I'm like,

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Speaker 2: what are your childhood wounds? Like when I first meet you?

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Speaker 2: Within the first like five seconds and yeah, and I'm

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Speaker 2: like is that triggering this? Like? And so it's when

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Speaker 2: we started dating, you know, we started talking about it

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Speaker 2: a lot, and it's I always try to connect, right, Okay,

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Speaker 2: is that a childhood thing or is that you know

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Speaker 2: in your adolescence And you know he came he was

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Speaker 2: just explaining like his upbringing again like he comes from

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Speaker 2: a very you know, lovely upbringing. He's got two very

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Speaker 2: supportive parents. They're still married, and I'm still like, but

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Speaker 2: there's still that piece of me. I'm like, but there's

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Speaker 2: got to be something, like something that is And it's like,

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Speaker 2: I don't know why I can't just accept that. Maybe

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Speaker 2: some people just don't have anything that goes back to

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Speaker 2: their childhood. But then he just said something where his

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Speaker 2: grandpa was like, you know, he scored eight out of

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Speaker 2: the ten goals. But then his grandpa said something like, oh,

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Speaker 2: you must have been playing against blind people. And so

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Speaker 2: then I just go, oh, wait, maybe there's a piece

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Speaker 2: of that where it's like no, no, that you feel

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Speaker 2: like it's you weren't enough.

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Speaker 3: Oh see, this is the same grandfather that would drive

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Speaker 3: me to games when my mom and dad can't make it,

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Speaker 3: and even when it would come to oh my yes.

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Speaker 3: So it's like it's just it's just that it's almost

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Speaker 3: like a Scottish mental, old school tough mentality. If you

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Speaker 3: get praised, you're going to be weak. I can't praise

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Speaker 3: you too much of the weakness will sit in.

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Speaker 2: But that's kind of how you are today. So maybe

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Speaker 2: that is a.

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Speaker 3: Piece of I think listens to generational things behavior Whitney,

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Speaker 3: what are your thoughts?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and we're really glad to have you on.

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Speaker 2: Yes, thank you so much for coming on.

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Speaker 5: No, thank you for having me.

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Speaker 6: I think that we're all impacted by the things that

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Speaker 6: happen throughout our childhood, right, positive or negative. It sounds

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Speaker 6: like what you're getting at is like, how do these

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Speaker 6: experiences not impact some people in a negative way or

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Speaker 6: how are they able to make sense of it? And

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Speaker 6: I think a lot of that just comes from like

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Speaker 6: the stories that we tell ourselves and that we're told

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Speaker 6: about our childhood, and also with how we're making sense

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Speaker 6: of the world. There's also this idea of like repair.

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Speaker 6: You know, you mentioned your grandpa also did all these

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Speaker 6: other good things for you, and maybe he made this

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Speaker 6: one comment, but in the grand scheme of things, you

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Speaker 6: have this perception of him as being overall good and

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Speaker 6: positive in your life, and that can help.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I think it's interesting, interesting because when I think about, like,

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Speaker 2: you know, like my grandma when it's like the first

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Speaker 2: time I got a serious, regular role, she was like, Oh,

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Speaker 2: when are you ever going to get something where I

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Speaker 2: don't have to fast forward through and I'm like, I

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Speaker 2: am a serious regular on a TV show, and I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 2: it's always not enough. But there was in those she

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Speaker 2: was wonderful. There was messages that I was getting from

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Speaker 2: all sides of like everybody, like you're not enough here,

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Speaker 2: You're not enough there, And like then that just compiled

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Speaker 2: my whole I'm not enough statement totally.

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Speaker 3: Yay.

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Speaker 2: So, how what are some of the things that you

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Speaker 2: do in your calling home that help people through that

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Speaker 2: generational and like the trauma and all that.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, So I work primarily with adult family relationships to

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Speaker 6: help people build better race relationships today and also understand

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Speaker 6: how their childhood experiences have gotten them to where they

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Speaker 6: are now. So exactly what you guys are talking about here,

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Speaker 6: and a lot of what we're focusing on is the

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Speaker 6: reallyationship between adults and their parents. That seems to be

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Speaker 6: the biggest frustration for people right now.

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Speaker 2: What do you think is the biggest break in the

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Speaker 2: bond between the adults and the parent.

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Speaker 6: A lot of it is just a misunderstanding about what

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Speaker 6: is important to the adults. You know, whenever I talk

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Speaker 6: to these adults, they all care about their emotional well being,

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Speaker 6: their emotional health, their parent being emotionally mature, and the

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Speaker 6: parents sometimes are not seeing that as being important. They're like,

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Speaker 6: I kept a roof over your head, fed you, I

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Speaker 6: did my job, and now we're good. And these adults

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Speaker 6: want more from their parents in adulthood. They want to

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Speaker 6: actually have a legitimate relationship.

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Speaker 2: H yeah, I mean I remember we were having conversations

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Speaker 2: about that a couple weeks ago, and just you know,

404
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Speaker 2: trying to understand, you know how, because I know how

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Speaker 2: affected I was by certain things that my parents did,

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Speaker 2: and so as a mother now I'm very vigilant. I'm like, Okay,

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Speaker 2: I know I'm going to probably say something do something

408
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Speaker 2: to mess them up in some way, but I'm also

409
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Speaker 2: trying to be as mindful as I can to just

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Speaker 2: love on their little selves and you know, correct when

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Speaker 2: I can can repair what I can repair. But what

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Speaker 2: is the one thing as a mother with younger kids

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Speaker 2: that you would say is some of your best tips

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Speaker 2: for their upbringing?

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Speaker 5: I think you just said it right there.

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Speaker 6: It's the repair piece, right, because that's what I see

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Speaker 6: in a lot of these parents of adult children that

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Speaker 6: are having issues. They don't want to repair. They don't

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Speaker 6: want to admit that anything went wrong. It's this very

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Speaker 6: much like I know I wasn't perfect, but I did

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Speaker 6: my best kind of mentality. And so I think when

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Speaker 6: you come into parenting with exactly what you just said,

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Speaker 6: of like, I know, I'm going to mess some things up,

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Speaker 6: but I'm going to apologize and say I'm sorry. You know,

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Speaker 6: I have little kids as well, and I say to them, oh,

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Speaker 6: I'm sorry I yelled, I'm sorry I snapped. And when

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Speaker 6: you create that pattern of repair with them, you don't

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Speaker 6: have to do all these big repairs once you get

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Speaker 6: to adulthood because you've been doing it along the way.

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Speaker 5: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I know that's a good point because I feel like

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Speaker 2: even when I would attempt conversations with mine now with

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Speaker 2: my parents now, it's still like, well, we were doing

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Speaker 2: the best we could with what they have, And I

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Speaker 2: almost find myself repeating that same pattern to give them

436
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Speaker 2: that excuse where and then sometimes I'm like, no, that's

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Speaker 2: not an excuse, like I'm sorry you didn't have the

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Speaker 2: therapy or the terms or the words or this that

439
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,600
Speaker 2: and the other, but do better now now that you know.

440
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:24,560
Speaker 2: But it's like they don't.

441
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:28,440
Speaker 6: Absolutely that's exactly what people tell me I was talking

442
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:30,479
Speaker 6: about that with so many in a group yesterday of like,

443
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:33,040
Speaker 6: it's not about what they did then, it's about what

444
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,560
Speaker 6: they're doing now. And now that they have the tools,

445
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:38,200
Speaker 6: the access, there's podcasts, all this stuff they could listen to,

446
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,320
Speaker 6: they're still saying like, oh, I just don't get it.

447
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,000
Speaker 5: I can't do that, and that can be.

448
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:47,760
Speaker 2: Very frustrating, and or we just let them kind of Okay,

449
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,199
Speaker 2: they just are who they are and that's kind of

450
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,439
Speaker 2: where I've just gotten to. But then it's not a

451
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:55,639
Speaker 2: deep connected relationship that I would have wanted.

452
00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:00,879
Speaker 3: Do you think you overcompensate based on that experienced Do

453
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:02,880
Speaker 3: you think you will a compensate with Julie and Jays?

454
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:03,480
Speaker 1: Yeah?

455
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:06,840
Speaker 2: And woman, Well, I feel like sometimes I do, and

456
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:09,160
Speaker 2: then sometimes I go the opposite because I'm like, if

457
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,960
Speaker 2: you only knew what I freaking had to go through,

458
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,439
Speaker 2: you know, So I think it's a I do, And

459
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,359
Speaker 2: then I was like and then when times that I don't,

460
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:19,560
Speaker 2: I'm like, I there's almost like this I don't even

461
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:20,679
Speaker 2: know what it is and I don't know the right

462
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:22,560
Speaker 2: term for it. But I go back and forth with

463
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:26,359
Speaker 2: too much or lacking.

464
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,879
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, totally. I mean I think the over compensation.

465
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,240
Speaker 6: It's really relatable that you want to give your kids

466
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:35,200
Speaker 6: everything you didn't get, and some people go almost too

467
00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:38,880
Speaker 6: far in the opposite direction of like reparenting themselves through

468
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:42,320
Speaker 6: their children and not thinking about what is my unique

469
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,600
Speaker 6: child need, what did I not not?

470
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:45,520
Speaker 5: What did I not.

471
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,800
Speaker 6: Get as a child that I need to give specifically

472
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:48,640
Speaker 6: back to them.

473
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:50,840
Speaker 5: And it also makes sense that you would.

474
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,880
Speaker 6: Get fatigued from all of this and feel like, Okay,

475
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:56,560
Speaker 6: I need to pull back and start it again, especially

476
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:59,560
Speaker 6: if you're overcompensating a lot or doing too.

477
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:03,000
Speaker 2: Much right and as the kids get older too, I mean,

478
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,840
Speaker 2: is it still just that older kids like they just

479
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:09,960
Speaker 2: want to have the conversation, like they just want parents,

480
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,960
Speaker 2: because I remember Jessica Alba was saying how she into

481
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:14,200
Speaker 2: pointo therapy with her daughter. It's like they just didn't

482
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,560
Speaker 2: feel like they were communicating or on the right on

483
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,240
Speaker 2: the right page. Do you like? What do you find

484
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:22,840
Speaker 2: for that older age too? With kids and parents, I

485
00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:23,520
Speaker 2: think it's.

486
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:26,720
Speaker 6: Really the same thing, like showing up, being consistent, being

487
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:29,000
Speaker 6: a safe place for them. Especially when I talk to

488
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:32,320
Speaker 6: adults looking back on their childhood, a lot of them

489
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:36,120
Speaker 6: have complaints about feeling like their parents were not safe

490
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:36,479
Speaker 6: to them.

491
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:37,679
Speaker 5: They couldn't tell them anything.

492
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:41,160
Speaker 6: It would be weaponized against them, and so they pulled back.

493
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,679
Speaker 6: So if your kids feel like they can come to

494
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:46,880
Speaker 6: you with stuff, you're probably doing a really good job.

495
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:49,800
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's my big thing. I'm like, the only the

496
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,560
Speaker 2: only time I will get mad at you is if

497
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:54,320
Speaker 2: you lie to me. That's the thing I'm like, whenever

498
00:23:54,359 --> 00:23:55,760
Speaker 2: my kids come to me, like, you're going to be

499
00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:56,879
Speaker 2: mad at me, I was like, I'm going to be

500
00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:58,280
Speaker 2: mad if you don't tell me and then you lie

501
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,440
Speaker 2: to me about it so we can, we can work

502
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,320
Speaker 2: through anything. But it's the lie that I'm going to

503
00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:06,240
Speaker 2: get real pissed off about. So I don't know.

504
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:08,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think you need to trust yourself a little

505
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:15,320
Speaker 3: bit more because because of your childhood traumas you you'd

506
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:18,400
Speaker 3: almost doubt yourself when you make decisions.

507
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:20,439
Speaker 1: With Jolie and Jesson, what do you mean, Well, you're.

508
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,639
Speaker 3: Saying you struggle to find the balance. Sometimes you overcompensate

509
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:28,159
Speaker 3: and sometimes you go the opposite way. Whereas I think, parent,

510
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,840
Speaker 3: you're such a think I think you're a balanced person, right,

511
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:34,879
Speaker 3: So I think you need to trust how your parent

512
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:39,320
Speaker 3: a little bit more because you've taken your childhood stuff

513
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:42,000
Speaker 3: and you've actually made it positive. It's not a negative

514
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:45,240
Speaker 3: thing on how your parent now. So I feel that

515
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:47,600
Speaker 3: you need to trust yourself and be a little bit

516
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:52,640
Speaker 3: more lenient on yourself when it comes to parenting, because

517
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,480
Speaker 3: you beat yourself up sometimes of us, well.

518
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:57,240
Speaker 2: I beat myself up when it's just when I either

519
00:24:57,240 --> 00:24:59,119
Speaker 2: have to raise my voice or I get upset or

520
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:03,040
Speaker 2: I snap, because I then go back to, oh god,

521
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:04,720
Speaker 2: this is this is going to be the point, you know?

522
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,640
Speaker 2: Or my daughter tells her that I'm rushing her, you know,

523
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:08,960
Speaker 2: or but.

524
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:11,360
Speaker 3: They need to have those boundaries. They need to see

525
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:15,639
Speaker 3: that accountability and discipline. Although would you just end up

526
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:17,320
Speaker 3: run around and do it they want? So, I think

527
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:18,560
Speaker 3: you do a good job. I don't think you need

528
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,560
Speaker 3: to worry about balanced too much.

529
00:25:21,119 --> 00:25:23,840
Speaker 2: Whitney. I know you're not in the house, but.

530
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:27,200
Speaker 6: No, I think he's probably right that it's you have

531
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:30,040
Speaker 6: the awareness, right, you know how you want to be,

532
00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:32,280
Speaker 6: you're aware of it. This goes back to like thinking

533
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:34,159
Speaker 6: about parents who are just like, oh, I did a

534
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:34,520
Speaker 6: good job.

535
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,320
Speaker 5: I'm not even going to think about it. You're doing

536
00:25:36,359 --> 00:25:37,960
Speaker 5: the opposite, which.

537
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:41,600
Speaker 6: Tells me that you're actively trying to be better, to repair,

538
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,000
Speaker 6: to show up for your kids, and that is like

539
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:47,359
Speaker 6: seventy percent of the battle, you know, when it comes

540
00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:49,400
Speaker 6: to being a good parent, in my opinion.

541
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:06,240
Speaker 2: So, as a forty year old woman, almost forty one,

542
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,639
Speaker 2: what would you say to those people that actually that

543
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:12,800
Speaker 2: want to have the relationship or to open the conversation

544
00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:15,639
Speaker 2: with a parent that is kind of stuck in their ways.

545
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:18,440
Speaker 2: Is it a lost cause? Is it just okay, that's

546
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,240
Speaker 2: just who they are and accept the relationship for what

547
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:22,520
Speaker 2: it is. Or do you think is there a path

548
00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:25,439
Speaker 2: through something how to say it to them in a

549
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:26,680
Speaker 2: way to open them up.

550
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,879
Speaker 6: I think there's some parents that will be receptive and

551
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,520
Speaker 6: some that won't, and there's a lot in between, right,

552
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:35,080
Speaker 6: and so I always recommend if you're going to say

553
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:37,720
Speaker 6: this to them, think about how.

554
00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:38,959
Speaker 5: The relationship normally is.

555
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:42,120
Speaker 6: Are you putting yourself at risk for harm in any

556
00:26:42,119 --> 00:26:44,320
Speaker 6: way to have this conversation with them. There are, of

557
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:48,679
Speaker 6: course abusive parents emotionally and physically abusive that you have

558
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:51,240
Speaker 6: to think about that. But if you feel like I

559
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:53,800
Speaker 6: could maybe sit down and tell my parent about this,

560
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,960
Speaker 6: and even if they react strongly in the moment, maybe

561
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,960
Speaker 6: it'll give them something to think about and we can

562
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:03,320
Speaker 6: move forward. I would focus on sharing your feelings, what

563
00:27:03,359 --> 00:27:06,280
Speaker 6: it's been like for you, what you're experiencing, what you're

564
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:09,160
Speaker 6: thinking about, and what you would like to say see.

565
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:10,240
Speaker 5: Change in the relationship.

566
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,960
Speaker 6: But you also pointed out that piece about acceptance, which

567
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:16,560
Speaker 6: I think is at the core of all of this work,

568
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:18,920
Speaker 6: is like, I have to accept my parents for who

569
00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:19,320
Speaker 6: they are.

570
00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:20,639
Speaker 5: I cannot change them.

571
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,080
Speaker 6: I can tell them how I'm feeling, and then the

572
00:27:23,119 --> 00:27:26,359
Speaker 6: balls in their court and if they decide not to change,

573
00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:28,840
Speaker 6: what is my relationship with them going to look like

574
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:31,920
Speaker 6: moving forward? And that's when you'll see people have more

575
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:36,840
Speaker 6: of those limited relationships, close relationships, or become completely estranged

576
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:38,600
Speaker 6: from their parents.

577
00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:44,720
Speaker 3: Who's your beget audience, Weney. Is it the kids, maybe teenagers,

578
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:48,600
Speaker 3: that are trying to mend the relationship with the adult parents,

579
00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,600
Speaker 3: or is it the parents who are trying to mend

580
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:54,040
Speaker 3: the relationship with the kids.

581
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:57,880
Speaker 6: Yeah, my primary audience is definitely adults I would say

582
00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:01,200
Speaker 6: between twenty five and forty who are working on their

583
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:05,160
Speaker 6: relationships with their parents or dealing with becoming is strange

584
00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:06,520
Speaker 6: from their parents.

585
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:10,560
Speaker 3: Okay, so it's more the adult demographic that you're that

586
00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:15,520
Speaker 3: you're working with, because I read something about you've done

587
00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:18,320
Speaker 3: a lot of work on kids abusing their parents and

588
00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:21,239
Speaker 3: that that kind of stuck in my head, like what

589
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,320
Speaker 3: does that look like? What does it look like when

590
00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:26,959
Speaker 3: a kid is abusing a parent? And I would assume

591
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:31,720
Speaker 3: that that is teenage kids or even younger, because I

592
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:35,120
Speaker 3: can't imagine a situation where like one of the kids

593
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:38,200
Speaker 3: is bullying you or one of the kids is bullying me.

594
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:39,920
Speaker 3: I don't and I'm like, almost what does that even

595
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:43,600
Speaker 3: look like? So it'd be good to hear from insight

596
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:44,000
Speaker 3: on that.

597
00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:45,120
Speaker 5: But I also like.

598
00:28:45,520 --> 00:28:47,840
Speaker 2: Not to calm myself out, but I can be like

599
00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:51,080
Speaker 2: snippy with my parents because I'm annoyed at them as

600
00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:53,840
Speaker 2: a grown woman, you can't be and I know, no,

601
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:55,160
Speaker 2: I know I can be. And I think it was

602
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:58,160
Speaker 2: until you had said something to me one time, like

603
00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:00,200
Speaker 2: but you don't understand the relationship that I have. So

604
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:02,520
Speaker 2: when we were in a conversation and they're saying something

605
00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:05,760
Speaker 2: that is so ungodly not true, I just am like,

606
00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:07,600
Speaker 2: that's actually not true, and do you want to go

607
00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:09,840
Speaker 2: back to my childhood so we can discuss it? And

608
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,880
Speaker 2: so he hears me like snippy, angry, and I'm like,

609
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:15,720
Speaker 2: this is a total wound that just came up for me,

610
00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:19,280
Speaker 2: and they're calling out a complete lie and which was

611
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:22,160
Speaker 2: not good for my childhood. It was not the truth.

612
00:29:22,440 --> 00:29:25,120
Speaker 2: So like, and I feel terrible in the situation that

613
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:27,680
Speaker 2: like I would put him in in that moment, but

614
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:30,200
Speaker 2: it just it fuels me when I'm like, guys, that's

615
00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:32,280
Speaker 2: not true, that's your that's a lie. Let me tell

616
00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:32,800
Speaker 2: you how it went.

617
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,600
Speaker 6: Yeah, the context is important, right, And so when we

618
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:41,120
Speaker 6: think about kids abusing their parents. The reason that I

619
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:43,800
Speaker 6: did this series actually probably I did this series on

620
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:46,080
Speaker 6: TikTok about kids that abused their parents was because a

621
00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:48,000
Speaker 6: lot of the pushback that I get from parents is

622
00:29:48,040 --> 00:29:52,040
Speaker 6: them saying, well, what about abusive adults to their parents?

623
00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:54,280
Speaker 6: And what I have found through a lot of the

624
00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:58,800
Speaker 6: research on this is that abusive kids are reacting to

625
00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:01,880
Speaker 6: their environment lot of the time. So there's other violence

626
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:05,040
Speaker 6: happening within the home, They're exposed to violence in the community.

627
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:08,360
Speaker 6: There's reactive abuse. So a parent is abusing me, so

628
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:12,880
Speaker 6: I start abusing them back. We find that abuse against

629
00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:16,200
Speaker 6: I believe it's mothers intensifies, you know when a father

630
00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:19,800
Speaker 6: is abusing a mother in the home. So my point

631
00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:21,960
Speaker 6: with that series was really to like open up the

632
00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:27,040
Speaker 6: conversation about kids aren't typically just born abusive to their parents.

633
00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:29,080
Speaker 6: There's a lot of other factors there, and I think

634
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:31,520
Speaker 6: that's what you're calling out, is like, you're seeing this

635
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:34,320
Speaker 6: behavior of me snapping at my parents, but it exists

636
00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:36,880
Speaker 6: in this context of all the other things that have

637
00:30:37,000 --> 00:30:38,440
Speaker 6: happened in my family.

638
00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:45,280
Speaker 2: We can't all have a perfect family from Scotland are

639
00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:49,120
Speaker 2: just like this perfect picture Hallmark family. You guys are

640
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:50,000
Speaker 2: pretty darn close.

641
00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:52,800
Speaker 1: No one in the world with there is a perfect family.

642
00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:54,440
Speaker 2: Which I love because I would like, I'm glad that

643
00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,280
Speaker 2: I'm married into that just so I can see. But

644
00:30:57,320 --> 00:30:58,920
Speaker 2: it's because it's a beautiful thing I didn't get to

645
00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:00,280
Speaker 2: witness that is.

646
00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:04,600
Speaker 3: I mean, every family has the issues and the problems.

647
00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:08,120
Speaker 3: I think the biggest problem is when we zoom a moment, Dad,

648
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:09,320
Speaker 3: none of them are in the camera.

649
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:11,960
Speaker 2: Well think I forgot, there's zoom Old.

650
00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:17,960
Speaker 3: I'm going to start abusing you too in a minute

651
00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:19,400
Speaker 3: if you don't get your face in the camera.

652
00:31:22,560 --> 00:31:27,120
Speaker 2: Oh good, that's funny. Okay. Can you tell us about

653
00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:31,560
Speaker 2: calling home and what our listeners could the tips and

654
00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:34,200
Speaker 2: things they could learn from that series and also podcast

655
00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:35,480
Speaker 2: correct Yes.

656
00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:36,480
Speaker 5: Yes, absolutely so.

657
00:31:36,640 --> 00:31:39,240
Speaker 6: Calling Home is an online community for adults that are

658
00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:42,000
Speaker 6: breaking generational patterns within their family.

659
00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:45,280
Speaker 5: We offer weekly groups for adults.

660
00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:46,680
Speaker 6: To come and tackle some of these issues, and then

661
00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:50,120
Speaker 6: we also offer different content and resources every week that

662
00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:53,360
Speaker 6: gets updated regularly, and then I have the podcast where

663
00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:56,120
Speaker 6: I tackle some of these topics more in depth, so

664
00:31:56,200 --> 00:32:00,880
Speaker 6: things like parents and their adult children, adult siblings, relationships,

665
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:02,680
Speaker 6: et cetera. And we're really just trying to create a

666
00:32:02,720 --> 00:32:06,240
Speaker 6: place where people can navigate some of these more adult

667
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:09,800
Speaker 6: family relationship dynamics, not just from the perspective of parenting

668
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:11,480
Speaker 6: young children, which.

669
00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:13,240
Speaker 5: Is a lot of what I see out there being

670
00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:15,680
Speaker 5: done on the.

671
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:21,240
Speaker 2: That's awesome, Uh, first off, but you know, are my

672
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:27,120
Speaker 2: kids are they have another dad, so it's a well

673
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:29,240
Speaker 2: two of them have another dad and then we share

674
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:35,720
Speaker 2: a child together. But for the co parenting parents kids

675
00:32:35,720 --> 00:32:39,520
Speaker 2: that are have two different homes, is there something that

676
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:43,120
Speaker 2: you know I should be mindful of, uh with that

677
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:45,840
Speaker 2: journey too, Because my parents got divorced when I was

678
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:48,520
Speaker 2: in high school, so it was it was a little different,

679
00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:51,640
Speaker 2: and I know how to navigate that piece, But is

680
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:53,880
Speaker 2: there another piece of it where you're like, this, this

681
00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:57,000
Speaker 2: would be helpful for a good relationship and things to

682
00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:57,760
Speaker 2: do and not to do.

683
00:32:58,280 --> 00:32:58,520
Speaker 5: Yeah.

684
00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,320
Speaker 6: I actually have a podcast episode on blended families where

685
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:04,480
Speaker 6: I got information from adults whose parents had gone through

686
00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:07,560
Speaker 6: situations like yours when they were little kids, and I

687
00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:09,320
Speaker 6: can share some of the things that they brought up

688
00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:14,200
Speaker 6: that were most difficult for them, which was like preferential

689
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:18,880
Speaker 6: treatment being given to certain siblings over others, putting a spouse,

690
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:21,680
Speaker 6: you know, routinely always in front of the kids, and

691
00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:25,360
Speaker 6: making the kids feel like they weren't integrated into the family.

692
00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:28,560
Speaker 6: And then also sibling dynamics, you know, when you have

693
00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:31,960
Speaker 6: kids that are from different parents. Yeah, it's kind of

694
00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:33,640
Speaker 6: hard to make sure. I'm sure you guys run into

695
00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:35,480
Speaker 6: this that they're on the same page. They have kind

696
00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:39,720
Speaker 6: of the same rules and everyone understands what's going on.

697
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:42,600
Speaker 6: But those were some of the things that seemed to

698
00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:45,080
Speaker 6: be the most difficult for this population.

699
00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:50,280
Speaker 2: Is there one pattern that you see repeated the most

700
00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:54,120
Speaker 2: in families you're saying in families, Yeah, Yeah, I really

701
00:33:54,160 --> 00:33:56,440
Speaker 2: think it's lack of repair. Like I think it goes

702
00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:58,280
Speaker 2: back to what we were talking about the beginning is

703
00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:02,040
Speaker 2: people just brushing things under their rug, not wanting to

704
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:05,120
Speaker 2: talk about things, and then wondering why their family keeps

705
00:34:05,320 --> 00:34:09,399
Speaker 2: snapping kind of routinely over little issues, and a lot

706
00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:12,040
Speaker 2: of it's because of what is being buried and not

707
00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:12,680
Speaker 2: talked about.

708
00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:17,840
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean it takes us a strong child to

709
00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:21,719
Speaker 3: to pose these types of questions to the parent and

710
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:27,040
Speaker 3: to want to repair things, which you see some sometimes.

711
00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:29,000
Speaker 3: I think now in this day and age, because there's

712
00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:33,320
Speaker 3: so much knowledge online, podcasts, social media, I think almost

713
00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:37,640
Speaker 3: the kids are out mature in some of their parents. Yes,

714
00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:40,120
Speaker 3: when it comes to repair work or when it comes

715
00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:43,560
Speaker 3: to communication, because they've got so much. I mean, they've

716
00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:46,480
Speaker 3: just got everywhere they look that they can learn online

717
00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:49,720
Speaker 3: now where there's a lot of parents are generationally didn't

718
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:52,160
Speaker 3: They didn't have that, so they're stuck in an era.

719
00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:54,719
Speaker 3: Now the parents do have it, but maybe they're of

720
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:57,120
Speaker 3: a generation where they don't really quite know where to

721
00:34:57,160 --> 00:34:58,160
Speaker 3: look for the information.

722
00:34:58,480 --> 00:35:00,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, I can guarantee you, like my parents aren't listening

723
00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:03,360
Speaker 2: to podcasts on how to have better relationships or boundaries

724
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:05,600
Speaker 2: or which is why they come. You know, I had

725
00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:07,640
Speaker 2: my momon me and be like, so, what would be

726
00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:09,479
Speaker 2: a good boundary for you know, like trying to teach

727
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:10,759
Speaker 2: them what a boundary is.

728
00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:11,200
Speaker 1: You know.

729
00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:13,680
Speaker 2: I'm like, no, you can actually ask for that, and

730
00:35:13,719 --> 00:35:16,239
Speaker 2: they have to That is something you can set and

731
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:18,520
Speaker 2: then you just have to make sure you follow through

732
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:18,759
Speaker 2: with it.

733
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:21,719
Speaker 3: And me, you must see that a lot where if

734
00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:25,120
Speaker 3: you've got to the parent and the child setting in

735
00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:26,840
Speaker 3: the room and I don't know if you do that

736
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:29,200
Speaker 3: tape or walk, will you do the mediation work or whatever,

737
00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:33,000
Speaker 3: or whether it's just all online, but I think this.

738
00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:35,319
Speaker 1: Day and age, it would it would be.

739
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:39,960
Speaker 3: Pretty common for the kid to be sound more mature

740
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:42,080
Speaker 3: and have more emotional away on this than what the

741
00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:43,880
Speaker 3: parents in this day and age.

742
00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:45,000
Speaker 5: One hundred percent.

743
00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:47,080
Speaker 6: You're You're absolutely right, And I think that's something we

744
00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:49,839
Speaker 6: talk about a lot in our groups, is like I

745
00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:53,480
Speaker 6: feel like I'm parenting my parents and I'm having to

746
00:35:53,680 --> 00:35:55,600
Speaker 6: step in and teach them all these things, and I

747
00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:58,600
Speaker 6: think it can breed some resentment, especially for people who

748
00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:01,320
Speaker 6: dealt with a lot of childhood try who have worked

749
00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:03,960
Speaker 6: through all of this stuff, having to feel like, hey,

750
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:05,719
Speaker 6: I did all this work, I read the books.

751
00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:07,680
Speaker 5: I did all the things and you're not doing it.

752
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:13,600
Speaker 2: With the holiday season obviously coming up, there's a lot

753
00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:17,960
Speaker 2: of family dynamics at the table. What are some of

754
00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:21,520
Speaker 2: your favorite boundaries that you have or that you help

755
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:23,840
Speaker 2: set for those people during the season.

756
00:36:24,719 --> 00:36:27,320
Speaker 6: My number one tip is to not expect your family

757
00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:30,720
Speaker 6: to act different on the holidays. Keep your expectations very low,

758
00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:34,000
Speaker 6: expect everyone to be how they always are, and set

759
00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:36,239
Speaker 6: your boundaries with that in mind. So if you have

760
00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:39,480
Speaker 6: certain family members that always end up doing X, Y

761
00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:41,879
Speaker 6: and Z, come up with a plan for how you're

762
00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:43,879
Speaker 6: going to be prepared for those things. So that might

763
00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:48,440
Speaker 6: mean only going to one family event, leaving when everyone

764
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:52,160
Speaker 6: starts drinking, making sure that you don't sit next to

765
00:36:52,200 --> 00:36:53,920
Speaker 6: this person whatever it is.

766
00:36:55,160 --> 00:37:03,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, so next to that uncle Orient. Well, I'm Whitney.

767
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:05,359
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for coming on. And then where

768
00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:06,759
Speaker 2: can our listeners find you?

769
00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:11,440
Speaker 6: Yeah, you can visit Callinghome dot co to check out

770
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,320
Speaker 6: our groups and our offerings. You can also search the

771
00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:16,279
Speaker 6: Calling Home podcast wherever you get podcasts, and you can

772
00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:19,720
Speaker 6: find me on Instagram at sit with wit Awesome.

773
00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:22,640
Speaker 2: Thanks girl for coming on and have happy holidays.

774
00:37:22,719 --> 00:37:24,920
Speaker 5: Thank you so much. Same to you all right by

775
00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:25,720
Speaker 5: Gye