Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea.
Speaker 2: Hi.
Speaker 3: We're in my new home. Finally we're set. We're recording
Speaker 3: our podcast in my new home. I have a podcast room.
Speaker 3: Doug is here, passed out on the ground. I want
Speaker 3: him to sit on the couch next to me, but
Speaker 3: he refused. He's not like that.
Speaker 1: He's not He's a follower, but he's not a cling
Speaker 1: a follower. You know what I was really shocked by.
Speaker 4: Yesterday he like brought me his little toy and I
Speaker 4: tossed it and he just bounced around after it.
Speaker 3: I know, in the morning, it's like he's at Kangaroo.
Speaker 3: He jumps around, up and down and.
Speaker 1: You don't hear him. The other night, I woke up.
Speaker 3: I sleep with eye shades on, and I rolled over
Speaker 3: and I felt this hot breath on my face and
Speaker 3: I was like, wait a second, No one's supposed to
Speaker 3: be in my bed tonight. And I lifted my eye
Speaker 3: shades and he was staring straight at me in the
Speaker 3: middle of the night. And he's so dark it's hard
Speaker 3: to even see him, but his eyes I could see
Speaker 3: them stare and it was so creepy, like a lover
Speaker 3: staring at you while you're sleeping.
Speaker 1: I've got men doing that, and I'm like, pull it.
Speaker 1: Don't fuckings stare at me. We'll sleep in you weirdo.
Speaker 5: Even with Doug, who you absolutely love, it's still a
Speaker 5: little weird.
Speaker 3: I know, I love him, and I love that he
Speaker 3: doesn't want to sleep with me, Like he comes up
Speaker 3: to say good night and then he leaves and then
Speaker 3: some but he's so soft and agile that he will
Speaker 3: come up on the bed and just you don't.
Speaker 1: Even know he's there, and all of a sudden you
Speaker 1: turn around.
Speaker 4: You're like, oh, hello, Doug, Oh Doug. Well, do you
Speaker 4: have any shows coming up?
Speaker 3: Yes, we added we're adding a third Montclair show to
Speaker 3: New Jersey because the first two shows are sold out.
Speaker 3: And first of all, the Santa Barbara Bowl is August seventeenth.
Speaker 3: Then I have Saratoga, then I have Highland, California. My
Speaker 3: first date in Vegas is September first. I'm coming to
Speaker 3: Foxwood Casinos in Connecticut on September seventh.
Speaker 1: I'm coming to Portland, Maine.
Speaker 3: On September sixth, And you can go to Chelsea Handler
Speaker 3: dot com because I have dates throughout the rest of
Speaker 3: the year and all my Vegas dates are up, so
Speaker 3: I'm gonna be in Vegas starting my residency on the
Speaker 3: first of September, and then the next date is November second,
Speaker 3: and then the next Vegas state is November thirtieth. So
Speaker 3: these are all big holidays, so get your tickets for that.
Speaker 3: And oh yeah, and we just added something. We added
Speaker 3: a casino date because you know how much I love
Speaker 3: to gamble.
Speaker 1: Let's see where that is.
Speaker 3: Oh, Carlton, Minnesota. Everybody the Black Bear Casino Resort Friday,
Speaker 3: October eighteenth.
Speaker 1: I will be there. That just went on sale. So yeah,
Speaker 1: get your tickets for that. Our guest today is an actress, dancer, singer, entrepreneur,
Speaker 1: founder of dance and fitness program Kinergy, and she's also
Speaker 1: now and author. Her new novel Everything We Never Knew,
Speaker 1: is out this week. Please welcome. Julianne Huff. Oh, hello,
Speaker 1: sweet cheeks. Hello, how are you? I'm great?
Speaker 3: But your kitchen looks so I love that color and
Speaker 3: that tile.
Speaker 1: I love that.
Speaker 2: I just five seconds ago was like, oh does the
Speaker 2: book look good there?
Speaker 6: Do I need to put this?
Speaker 3: You know, let me write my book front and center. Julianne,
Speaker 3: This is Catherine I, my co host producer. I'm always
Speaker 3: impressed when any celebrity who has I've never written a
Speaker 3: novel writes a novel. I'm blown away by the balls
Speaker 3: that it takes to write a novel.
Speaker 1: Thank you.
Speaker 2: I don't know if you noticed this, though I did
Speaker 2: actually put my my ghost writer on the cover with me.
Speaker 3: Well, yes, I did notice that. I did read the book.
Speaker 3: I read, I saw that you had a co writer.
Speaker 3: But still, it takes a lot of balls to write
Speaker 3: a novel out of left field, So talk to us
Speaker 3: about it.
Speaker 6: Thank you.
Speaker 3: Because I also suspect that this is partially I don't
Speaker 3: want to say autobiographical, but adjacent to autobiographical. I'm sure
Speaker 3: there are nuggets in there that mimic your real personal experience.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, I mean it is. I think somebody called it factional,
Speaker 2: where it's like it's obviously fictional, but it is clearly
Speaker 2: pulled straight from my life. Yeah, you know, I think
Speaker 2: over the last probably six seven years, I've gone through
Speaker 2: this really kind of transformative time in my life where
Speaker 2: a lot of the systems that I put into place
Speaker 2: to protect myself over the last thirty plus years really
Speaker 2: started unraveling when I started doing some inner child therapy
Speaker 2: and work on myself and everything that I thought was
Speaker 2: here to kind of be this safe thing all start unraveling.
Speaker 2: And while that was happening, I was like, you know,
Speaker 2: I want to be able to share my story, but
Speaker 2: I also am kind of at that stage in my
Speaker 2: life where I'm like, I don't want to give all
Speaker 2: my personal details away anymore. Like I was so oversharing
Speaker 2: and so much that I did that, I was like,
Speaker 2: you know, I think, I think I want to do
Speaker 2: it this way. Also, I am a storyteller, whether it's
Speaker 2: through dance or music or acting. I love storytelling. And
Speaker 2: there's something so amazing about transporting to another world where
Speaker 2: it doesn't feel so intimidating or vulnerable. You can actually
Speaker 2: create an entire world that you feel you know it
Speaker 2: works for you. So that's that's why I decided to
Speaker 2: write a fiction novel versus here's all my stuff, Welcome.
Speaker 1: To my life.
Speaker 3: I know exactly what you're talking about going to I
Speaker 3: should start writing novels too.
Speaker 1: That would be a that would be quite a shroud.
Speaker 1: People would be like, we're onto you.
Speaker 3: First of all, your transformation in the past five six
Speaker 3: years however long it's been, is visible.
Speaker 1: You've documented it. On Instagram. You talk a lot.
Speaker 3: About your spirituality, your dance. I know you started your
Speaker 3: dance program Kinergy, which has been huge for you, and
Speaker 3: a lot of the book and you in person, I
Speaker 3: know focus on the four Elements, and I wanted to
Speaker 3: talk about that for our listeners who are not up
Speaker 3: to speed on the four Elements or may look at
Speaker 3: it and be like, Okay, that's a little bit too
Speaker 3: hokey or.
Speaker 1: Too woo wooh.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it's important to explain what they are
Speaker 3: and how they impact.
Speaker 1: Us all absolutely well.
Speaker 2: I mean I feel like one you've you've dabbled in
Speaker 2: some plant medicine and stuff like that and documented it.
Speaker 2: I think there's a lot of things that I've taken
Speaker 2: from different modalities and practices, whether it be like shamanism
Speaker 2: and the elements for tai Chi and chigong, and like
Speaker 2: Eastern sides of philosophy and really try to put it
Speaker 2: into k Energy, which is my dance modality that is
Speaker 2: a somatic movement therapy basically. And so with all these
Speaker 2: modalities that I feel like have been tools in helping
Speaker 2: me connect to myself and a need and even deeper way.
Speaker 2: And when I say connect to myself, I mean, actually
Speaker 2: trusting myself. The elements were probably the one that resonated
Speaker 2: with me the most. And I think, you know, we
Speaker 2: are made up of the elements. We are in nature
Speaker 2: by nature, and so the fact is when we can
Speaker 2: actually visualize and connect energetically to this place, we have
Speaker 2: so much wisdom within us and the nature of the
Speaker 2: elements are also there and so for us to tap
Speaker 2: into that, I mean.
Speaker 1: This is where the wu wu comes in.
Speaker 2: But like energy is in everything, I mean it is
Speaker 2: in the plants, everything is alive, and so tapping into
Speaker 2: what's around us and the resources that are around us,
Speaker 2: ancient that's been here a way longer than we have,
Speaker 2: and just the wisdom I mean, water holds memory, all.
Speaker 6: Sorts of things like that.
Speaker 2: So being able to connect to those elements and also
Speaker 2: within ourselves, I mean that's where I found a lot
Speaker 2: of my trust in my knowing and my discernment and
Speaker 2: who I am. And you know, for years, I've given
Speaker 2: my power away to so many other people and got
Speaker 2: burned along the way. So I'm like, I really need
Speaker 2: to learn how to trust myself. And that's why the
Speaker 2: elements have been so.
Speaker 1: Powerful for me, and what are the four elements.
Speaker 2: Oh, yes, air, fire, water, earth, And then if you
Speaker 2: want to talk about the fifth element, which is either
Speaker 2: it's a combination of all.
Speaker 7: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I like what you're saying about because everyone has a
Speaker 3: different connection to all of those things. And whether it's
Speaker 3: a deep connection or it's something that you just kind
Speaker 3: of you know, think is around and it doesn't impact
Speaker 3: you at all, then it's a little bit you haven't
Speaker 3: developed your relationship with those things. Like I'm a pisce,
Speaker 3: so people like, oh, you love the water, I actually
Speaker 3: do love the water, Like the water is so healing
Speaker 3: and so er for me, Like I always want to
Speaker 3: be bywater, even if I'm not in it, I need
Speaker 3: to be looking at it.
Speaker 1: You know, all of those things. But there are deeper
Speaker 1: connections that all of us have to all of these things,
Speaker 1: whether it is fire, whether it is air.
Speaker 3: But more importantly, what you just said, I think is
Speaker 3: really interesting about wisdom and that we have so much
Speaker 3: wisdom within us that we've carried intergenerationally from our ancestors
Speaker 3: and from human beings that you know, the conversation just
Speaker 3: feels like in our modern life, it feels like it
Speaker 3: just started like ten or fifteen years ago. I'm sure
Speaker 3: there are there are, and I know there are huge
Speaker 3: groups of people and different parts of the world that
Speaker 3: are focused on this and this relationship we have with
Speaker 3: these elements. But in like LA modern society, people are
Speaker 3: just like, Okay, first it was astrology, and then it
Speaker 3: was like, Okay, now we're deeper. We're talking about meditation
Speaker 3: and healing and energy work and all of those things.
Speaker 3: And people think LA is like kind of a woo
Speaker 3: woo place if you don't live here. Yeah, we're all
Speaker 3: in therapy and that we're all basket cases. But I
Speaker 3: would argue that there is so much wisdom that we
Speaker 3: have within us that we aren't tapping into because we
Speaker 3: don't even believe that it's there. We think this is
Speaker 3: our first time on Earth. We don't know very much.
Speaker 3: All we know is what we've learned, but it's inexplicable the.
Speaker 1: Things that we do know when we know them.
Speaker 6: Yeah, you don't know what you don't know until you
Speaker 6: know it.
Speaker 2: And I think there has to be a level of curiosity,
Speaker 2: and you don't get to that level of curiosity unless
Speaker 2: either an event.
Speaker 6: Has occurred where you're like, WHOA, I need.
Speaker 2: To shift something, or I don't know, there's just a
Speaker 2: there's a hunger and a drive for more.
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 2: I think that that is what changed and transformed my
Speaker 2: life was I had an experience that happened that opened
Speaker 2: my eyes, which is basically how you know she's very
Speaker 2: supernatural and had all these experiences happen. I had very
Speaker 2: similar ones happen, and I was like, what the if
Speaker 2: I am going insane?
Speaker 1: Maybe this is a psychotic breed.
Speaker 2: But like I'm seeing colors, I'm hearing, you know, things,
Speaker 2: I'm intuiting things that there's no way I would have
Speaker 2: had this awareness of. But I'm having like this oneness
Speaker 2: experience with someone else and I don't even know this person.
Speaker 2: And when I say hear things, I'm not like hearing voices,
Speaker 2: but you know, like synesthesia where it's like you actually,
Speaker 2: you know, Beethoven he heard color. I don't know that
Speaker 2: was exactly correct, but like.
Speaker 1: It was, I slept. I slept with Beethoven, and it
Speaker 1: is thank you, thank.
Speaker 6: You for that.
Speaker 2: But for me, it's like I was hearing things, but
Speaker 2: it was like but it was a knowing and a feeling,
Speaker 2: and so those things were starting to happen, and I
Speaker 2: was like what is happening here? And instead of freaking
Speaker 2: out getting scared, I just got curious and I started
Speaker 2: like researching and learning and diving into things and really
Speaker 2: tried to just, i don't know, embrace it rather than
Speaker 2: be scared of it.
Speaker 1: Can you give us an example of something that you experienced.
Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely so. I was actually at this retreat seminar
Speaker 2: and there was a bunch of us there, and I
Speaker 2: remember being in this deep meditation and I didn't know
Speaker 2: a lot of the people there, but I closed my
Speaker 2: eyes and I'm starting to go, you know, connect and
Speaker 2: go into that state. And then all of a sudden,
Speaker 2: I was like, ooh, I feel I feel like I'm
Speaker 2: in Europe. I smell mold and it's musty. I feel
Speaker 2: very young right now. I feel like I'm like three
Speaker 2: or five years old, somewhere around that era or that age.
Speaker 2: And my hair feels wet and I'm sitting here being
Speaker 2: like this is so strange, but like this doesn't feel
Speaker 2: like mine. And then all of a sudden, I was
Speaker 2: like overwhelmed with this sense of abandonment by my father,
Speaker 2: and I was like, this is I don't this doesn't
Speaker 2: feel like me, This doesn't feel like my stuff, but
Speaker 2: I'm going with it. And then all of a sudden,
Speaker 2: I had this overwhelming feeling to the point where like
Speaker 2: my arms went back and my chest opened up, and
Speaker 2: I was like, I feel so loved. And anyway the
Speaker 2: meditation finishes, I was like, that was strange, and I
Speaker 2: just looked at this woman and I was like, I
Speaker 2: feel like that was her experience. So I walked over
Speaker 2: to her and I said, Hey, I know you don't
Speaker 2: know me, but would you be open to sharing what
Speaker 2: your experience was in that meditation? She goes, it was
Speaker 2: actually really profound. I had this memory come up when
Speaker 2: I was a little girl and my family we were
Speaker 2: living in Copenhagen, and I had this memory. My mom
Speaker 2: was at the hospital and my dad was rushing to
Speaker 2: get me ready to go, and my hair was wet
Speaker 2: and he was blow drying my hair. I'll never forget it.
Speaker 2: And we rushed to the hospital and then he just
Speaker 2: left me. He left me in the waiting room. And
Speaker 2: not only did I feel so alone in that moment,
Speaker 2: but my brother was born and he has autism, and
Speaker 2: so my whole life since my brother was born, I
Speaker 2: felt like my parents just forgot about me, and that
Speaker 2: they just didn't love me. She goes, and then the
Speaker 2: weirdest thing happened. My arms went back and my heart
Speaker 2: opened up, and I just felt this immense amount of
Speaker 2: love that like my family and my dad loved me.
Speaker 1: I was like, what the fuck?
Speaker 2: So clearly I wasn't experiencing all the details that she
Speaker 2: went through, but I was having those heightened senses, and
Speaker 2: I was like, what that is very strange.
Speaker 1: Or of someone else's experience, which is strange.
Speaker 2: Yeah, from someone else's experience. And this was not plant medicine,
Speaker 2: this was nothing. This was just meditation. And then you
Speaker 2: know other experiences where I'd be sitting with somebody and
Speaker 2: we have an a normal conversation and I'd be like,
Speaker 2: did you have a dog at twelve that was black
Speaker 2: and white? And they'd be like, oh, my gosh, yes,
Speaker 2: And then it would spawn into a conversation about how,
Speaker 2: you know, her dad ended up losing this dog and
Speaker 2: when she was twelve years old, and it was like
Speaker 2: a really painful experience that they had just moved and
Speaker 2: like they got a new dog, but it wasn't that
Speaker 2: dog anyway, It was this whole experience. So these things
Speaker 2: were starting to happen. I also, you know, was starting
Speaker 2: to see some color around people, and again it kind
Speaker 2: of like freaked me out a little bit, and then
Speaker 2: I just dove into it and thought I'd get curious.
Speaker 3: Yeah, So the main character in the book Everything We
Speaker 3: Never Knew does see auras, sees people's auras, and so
Speaker 3: that is something that I can relate to that. And
Speaker 3: I don't know if I can relate to the color
Speaker 3: seeing colors, because I know I've spoken to mediums or
Speaker 3: psychics or anything of that ilk that have said, Okay,
Speaker 3: this is the color, this is your aura.
Speaker 1: It's always green or blue or something.
Speaker 3: But there's definitely like I can you know when I
Speaker 3: see somebody.
Speaker 1: You have a vibe, right, you have a vibe right away.
Speaker 2: That's that synesthesia thing where it's like I'm feeling even
Speaker 2: I can feel this color even though I'm not seeing it.
Speaker 1: And so you experienced that a lot. Yes, So you're intuitive.
Speaker 3: Do you think you're an into it or like, do
Speaker 3: you think you're slightly psychic?
Speaker 1: Like how would you categorize it?
Speaker 2: So I think that's why this book was really important
Speaker 2: for me, because I'm like, this was an activation of
Speaker 2: some sort and you know there were very powerful moments.
Speaker 2: I haven't had a lot of those moments consistently, but
Speaker 2: I've had these experiences and I think that there was
Speaker 2: an activation that happened. But sometimes when it just gets
Speaker 2: stuck in your lower chakras, you can pop into these
Speaker 2: mystical experiences, but it's not actually regulated and consistent. But
Speaker 2: the idea is you have these moments of inspiration or
Speaker 2: mysticism and certain things, but unless you really hone it
Speaker 2: and really understand it and actually have a lot of
Speaker 2: integrity with it, there is many ways people can into
Speaker 2: it things and be connected. But again that integrity is
Speaker 2: so important. So as this was happening and I wanted
Speaker 2: to share this, I really wanted to like share these
Speaker 2: experiences and know that I believe that everybody has these
Speaker 2: gifts and everybody has access to it. But there are
Speaker 2: so many layers of conditions and patterns and belief systems
Speaker 2: and protective mechanisms and all these things that we've built
Speaker 2: up over our entire lives to survive.
Speaker 1: Well, mostly ego too. I mean that's the first enemy
Speaker 1: against any of this, right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And obviously, like ego is in the way that
Speaker 2: we see it is it's a terrible thing. Like we
Speaker 2: don't want ego, but ego is going to be with
Speaker 2: us the rest of our lives, so you better get
Speaker 2: to know it and have a relationship with it. Otherwise again,
Speaker 2: it's going to have the power over you if you know,
Speaker 2: if you're just trying to avoid it.
Speaker 7: So, you know, finding all of.
Speaker 2: Those things, I was like, this is within all of us,
Speaker 2: and so how do I make this like a really fun, exciting, joyful,
Speaker 2: transformational experience for people to dive into. It doesn't feel
Speaker 2: so intimidated as to reading like a self help book
Speaker 2: or like a book on spirituality, you know, And like
Speaker 2: I was like, I just want it to be like
Speaker 2: a fun story where people can, like I don't know,
Speaker 2: have these experiences that feel heightened. So it feels like
Speaker 2: it's otherworldly but grounded in the emotions and the experiences
Speaker 2: that we universally feel.
Speaker 3: The character in your book, too, is an ex Mormon,
Speaker 3: and I know I think you are ex Mormon, right
Speaker 3: you still Mormon?
Speaker 1: Are you like officially not Mormon or yeah?
Speaker 2: I don't think I like officially like denounced it.
Speaker 1: I just stopped going.
Speaker 2: But you know, my dad is still active in the church.
Speaker 2: And none of my other siblings or my.
Speaker 8: Mom are not.
Speaker 3: And who do you think, like so far in your
Speaker 3: life has been your greatest teacher.
Speaker 6: My greatest teacher.
Speaker 2: I think my family system so like my like, I'm
Speaker 2: I'm an observer.
Speaker 1: I watch.
Speaker 2: I'm the baby of the family.
Speaker 1: You're the youngest of five, right, youngest of five?
Speaker 2: Yeah, so you know, like we're cut from the same cloth.
Speaker 2: We have a lot of the same you know, wounds
Speaker 2: and stuff. So I'm like, I'm watching how my siblings
Speaker 2: behave or react to things, or I see my mom.
Speaker 2: In fact, I had this conversation with her back in
Speaker 2: twenty seventeen when for years I was like, my mom
Speaker 2: is so sensitive and she cries at everything, and like,
Speaker 2: you know, like I had this negative association with her.
Speaker 1: I didn't think she was strong.
Speaker 2: So I for a long time looked down at my
Speaker 2: mom because I was like, she's hyper sensitive, she's emotional,
Speaker 2: she's she was very manic when I was a kid
Speaker 2: in her expressions and it was very unstable in a
Speaker 2: way of like not feeling like consistent. And so I
Speaker 2: remember having this conversation with her. I was like, Mom,
Speaker 2: I was like, I'm so sorry, Like I totally judged
Speaker 2: you because it was the thing that like affected me.
Speaker 2: But like, I realize I am actually more like you
Speaker 2: than I want to admit. And and the minute I
Speaker 2: actually like saw her not the things that I didn't
Speaker 2: love about her, but like the things that were challenging
Speaker 2: for her, and I saw her for that and recognize
Speaker 2: that that exists in me. Also, I ended up falling
Speaker 2: in love with my mom all over again, and like
Speaker 2: as an adult and like, I'm like so obsessed with
Speaker 2: my mom now. And it's because I was so afraid
Speaker 2: to see that that part existed in me too, and
Speaker 2: I was scared of that that that part could exist.
Speaker 2: But I'm like, but now that I know that that exists,
Speaker 2: that's not going to have the power over me. That's
Speaker 2: not going to be my like, you know, my decision
Speaker 2: making person underneath everything. I'm going to make the choices now.
Speaker 3: And I think that's very poignant about your mom, because
Speaker 3: I think so many of us forget to recognize that
Speaker 3: our parents are people with their own lives before we
Speaker 3: entered the picture, and we don't see them like that
Speaker 3: until we get old enough to gain some sort of
Speaker 3: perspective and awareness that no, those are people too. They're
Speaker 3: not just your parents, they actually had their own histories.
Speaker 3: I was mad at my parents for ever having a
Speaker 3: life before me. I'm like, what this is it? I'm it,
Speaker 3: you know, like even when I'm a date man, when
Speaker 3: I was younger, if they had a girlfriend before me,
Speaker 3: I'm like, fuck that shit.
Speaker 1: You got to like erase her from your mind.
Speaker 3: But this very immature way of thinking about experiences, like
Speaker 3: you're supposed to be the first experience that that person's had.
Speaker 3: It's like that is not the way the world works
Speaker 3: in it, And it is a very immature way of
Speaker 3: thinking about your parents in only their relationship to you
Speaker 3: or in relation to you only. It's like they have
Speaker 3: a whole world that you don't know about before you
Speaker 3: came along.
Speaker 1: So that's interesting to say.
Speaker 3: Okay, on that note, we're going to take a break
Speaker 3: and we're going to be right back and take some questions.
Speaker 4: This week, we're looking for friendship conundrums. If you've just
Speaker 4: been dealing with something in your friendship and you're not
Speaker 4: sure how to navigate it, write in for advice at
Speaker 4: Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.
Speaker 3: And we're back with Julianne Huff and her new book
Speaker 3: Everything We Never Knew?
Speaker 5: All right, are you ready to answer some questions?
Speaker 1: I'm ready. That's just fun.
Speaker 2: You guys appreciate it.
Speaker 1: I think you're ready to therapize, Julietam. I can tell
Speaker 1: you're going to be very good at this. Is well.
Speaker 4: Our first question comes from Anna. This was just a
Speaker 4: write in, she says, Dear Chelsea, you say and do
Speaker 4: whatever you want, never wondering what others think.
Speaker 1: Hah, that's what you think.
Speaker 4: I wish I had your courage in my everyday life,
Speaker 4: which brings me to my question. I'm going to be
Speaker 4: starting a new job in June and most recently became
Speaker 4: comfortable in my sexual identity. I identify as bisexual. I'm
Speaker 4: proud and happy and excited to start this journey, and
Speaker 4: I want to share it with the world. The one
Speaker 4: thing that holds me back is my job. The label
Speaker 4: of being a bisexual is very taboo, and people still
Speaker 4: think it must make you us lut. I was wondering
Speaker 4: how soon I should come out at work. I have
Speaker 4: so many rainbow office supplies and decorations that I want
Speaker 4: to have at my desk, but I'm worried if my
Speaker 4: coworkers see it the last questions or just assume I'm
Speaker 4: a lesbian. I live in the Midwest. I just worry
Speaker 4: about the older generations staff who aren't as open as
Speaker 4: the younger generation. My workplace is making moves to be
Speaker 4: more including to the LGBTQ plus community, but the haters
Speaker 4: still be hating. You know, how should I navigate unleashing
Speaker 4: the gay as my friends call it, Anna.
Speaker 1: Listen, I would.
Speaker 3: My advice is always just to go full throttle with
Speaker 3: who you are and make no apologies about who you are.
Speaker 3: Because if you're saying that your workplace, I don't know
Speaker 3: what she didn't mention what kind of workplace it is, and.
Speaker 5: I think it's like an office.
Speaker 1: Frankly, it doesn't really fucking matter.
Speaker 3: Because you're saying that they want to become more LGBTQ friendly.
Speaker 3: I would take that as a personal que to help
Speaker 3: them do that. And you can have as much rainbow
Speaker 3: decoration around your office as you want. And if you
Speaker 3: don't feel like disclosing that personal information because it is
Speaker 3: kind of personal, you don't have any reason to say
Speaker 3: announce I'm bisexual, nor should you be ashamed at all
Speaker 3: that you're bisexual. But I like the idea of having
Speaker 3: all your rainbow decorations your LGBTQ support in the spirit
Speaker 3: of I support this community and I want to be
Speaker 3: loud about it. You don't have to identify yourself if
Speaker 3: you don't owe anybody that explanation, but it's a good
Speaker 3: way to be like, this is where I stand. I'm
Speaker 3: welcoming to all forms of sexuality and identification genders, whatever
Speaker 3: your preferences are.
Speaker 1: This is the way forward.
Speaker 3: This is the future, and I'm here to embrace everybody,
Speaker 3: no matter what their belief systems, and then everybody can
Speaker 3: figure out when they figure out what they're going to
Speaker 3: figure out about you. But you don't owe it would
Speaker 3: be like me going, oh, I had sex last night
Speaker 3: with a man.
Speaker 1: Nobody needs to know that, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: That's not appropriate anyway for the office.
Speaker 3: But I also wouldn't lie about my sexual orientation, you
Speaker 3: know what I mean. So I would say, don't lie,
Speaker 3: but be very forward. You can be demonstrative about your
Speaker 3: support for the community. Yeah, what do you think, Julianne.
Speaker 2: You know, it kind of goes back to everything I'm
Speaker 2: saying about trusting yourself and having your own discernment, because
Speaker 2: for a long time in my experiences, I wanted so
Speaker 2: badly to be understood that I shared everything because I
Speaker 2: was like, but if they know me and they have
Speaker 2: text and they know all the things, then they'll know
Speaker 2: that I'm a good person. Or then they'll know that
Speaker 2: you know, and then they'll accept me. But if they
Speaker 2: don't know, I guess they'll never know. But I realize
Speaker 2: not everybody needs to know everything. As to your point, like,
Speaker 2: that's your private information, how you want to express it.
Speaker 2: If you want to express as a support and just
Speaker 2: that's because that's how you live your life, then you
Speaker 2: should absolutely do that. I also think that when you
Speaker 2: start choosing yourself and when you start choosing your community
Speaker 2: and you're aligned in who you are, the things that
Speaker 2: will stay will stay intact that are aligned in matching you,
Speaker 2: and the things that won't be aligned will start falling apart.
Speaker 2: And that's scary, it is, but that will also set
Speaker 2: you free. So I'm not saying you need to quit
Speaker 2: your job at all if they're not going to accept
Speaker 2: being and owning your power of who you are, easier
Speaker 2: said than done. But you showing up as your full
Speaker 2: self will also give permission to maybe your coworkers or
Speaker 2: your job to say, oh, I actually never thought that
Speaker 2: we actually had a safe place, and now let's make
Speaker 2: it a safer place and give them the opportunity to
Speaker 2: step up. Also, so I think, at the end of
Speaker 2: the day, do everything everybody's saying just as much as
Speaker 2: you can be so so true to yourself, and the
Speaker 2: world will start either matching you or it won't, and
Speaker 2: those will be your answers where you should move into,
Speaker 2: which directions next.
Speaker 3: And I would also say to think of yourself as
Speaker 3: like a thought leader. You have an opportunity. You're going
Speaker 3: into a new job and there are some older people
Speaker 3: that are more traditional that aren't really up to speed.
Speaker 3: That's an opportunity to show them the way.
Speaker 4: Yeah, they might ask questions, they might be curious, and
Speaker 4: maybe you're the first bisexual person that's in their life
Speaker 4: and you know, they know they like you, so maybe
Speaker 4: all this is great and it won't be so scary
Speaker 4: to approach.
Speaker 2: I feel like a lot of people judge what they
Speaker 2: don't understand, and so there might be an opportunity for
Speaker 2: you to be a really beautiful like Chelsea said, like
Speaker 2: thought leader and like educator without having to project it.
Speaker 2: But just if people want to know. You're so excited
Speaker 2: if you want to support your community.
Speaker 4: Also, the bisexual Pride flag is fantastic, so maybe get
Speaker 4: one of those to add into the mix.
Speaker 1: Yeah for it.
Speaker 4: Well, our next question comes from Jackie, and this is
Speaker 4: a bit of a doozy.
Speaker 1: I'm very excited for jack Love, she says.
Speaker 4: Dear Chelsea, I need your help because I have gotten
Speaker 4: myself into not just a pickle, but a whole damn cucumber.
Speaker 4: I pride myself on not getting involved in work drama,
Speaker 4: but I'm a fool and have gotten into some. A
Speaker 4: coworker of mine, let's call her Jane, has been having
Speaker 4: a year long affair with our coworker Tom. Tom had
Speaker 4: a girlfriend of five years during their affair, but he
Speaker 4: recently broke it off with his girlfriend and is now single.
Speaker 4: A few weeks ago, I go out to lunch with
Speaker 4: another coworker, Sarah, and she tells me she's been sleeping
Speaker 4: with Tom and he's all so slept with yet another coworker,
Speaker 4: not Jane, mind you. I became very close to Jane,
Speaker 4: so afterward I text Tom and tell him I know
Speaker 4: about the situation and I'll give him a few days
Speaker 4: to come clean with Jane. I'm a girls girl and
Speaker 4: I want to do right by my friend. He texts
Speaker 4: me a long message bashing Sarah, who she'd been out
Speaker 4: to lunch with. That really bothers me, like you'll sleep
Speaker 4: with her, but call her crazy, unstable, et cetera, and
Speaker 4: claims they never hooked up during Jane's relationship. Blah blah blah.
Speaker 4: He never tells Jane, so several days later I do.
Speaker 4: It goes horribly Oh shit.
Speaker 1: Jane loses her.
Speaker 4: Mind and I reach back out to Sarah to get
Speaker 4: clarity on the timeline of their relationship. It turns out
Speaker 4: their affair didn't overlap with Jane's, but he had sent
Speaker 4: her some really sketchy texts in recent months, saying she's
Speaker 4: the best sex he's ever had, etc. I also realized
Speaker 4: Sarah is a bit crazy and now thinks she has
Speaker 4: strong feelings for Tom. It's on everything she shared with me.
Speaker 4: Tom hates me now, which is fine. Sarah also now
Speaker 4: hates me and locked me from contacting her.
Speaker 5: But hello, we work together, so can we be a
Speaker 5: little more mature.
Speaker 4: Jane and I are very close, but now it's weird
Speaker 4: because she loves Tom so much and doesn't seem to
Speaker 4: care about how much of a liar he is. Let alone,
Speaker 4: he might have hooked up with another girl, which he denies.
Speaker 4: I reached out to Sarah to apologize, but she's blocked me.
Speaker 4: She has every right to be mad, but blocking feels extreme.
Speaker 4: Did I do the right thing?
Speaker 8: Here?
Speaker 1: Where do I go from here?
Speaker 4: My logic was telling Jane if the situation was reversed,
Speaker 4: is that I'd want to know.
Speaker 1: But I regret everything.
Speaker 4: In hindsight, I would have kept my mouth shut, but
Speaker 4: and let the chips fall where they fall. Jackie and
Speaker 4: one terrible cucumber.
Speaker 1: Oh, Hi Jackie, Hi Jackie. That's so funny, like ask
Speaker 1: this letter.
Speaker 3: This is Julianne guests today.
Speaker 8: This is so cool.
Speaker 3: It's so funny, Like as you're going through, like I
Speaker 3: always tell everyone, tell on men, you know what I mean,
Speaker 3: Always have a girl's back, Always have a girl's back, right,
Speaker 3: But this is such a convoluted situation that of course
Speaker 3: a fucking backfe like it's because no one's in a
Speaker 3: real relationship. Everyone's just sleeping together, so there's no commitment, right,
Speaker 3: that's being broken, Like no one really.
Speaker 1: Gives a shit. Yeah, and yet they do.
Speaker 3: I mean they give a shit but no. But I
Speaker 3: think it's really funny that you did all this. Now
Speaker 3: everyone's mad at you. I think you have to just
Speaker 3: give it a little bit of time, and I think
Speaker 3: you should probably just leave a letter on Sarah's desk
Speaker 3: or and all of their desks and just say, Okay,
Speaker 3: I learned my lesson. I was an interloper. I should
Speaker 3: not have gotten involved, and I'm really sorry. I didn't
Speaker 3: mean any ill will. I just always want to be
Speaker 3: there for women, and I want to support women and
Speaker 3: make sure that they are aware of everything that's going on.
Speaker 1: My intention was never to destroy our friendship.
Speaker 3: I hope that you can forgive me, you know what
Speaker 3: I mean, Just come from a place of supporting women,
Speaker 3: because that's really where you were coming from.
Speaker 7: Yeah, that's fully it.
Speaker 8: I did reach out to Sarah and write her like
Speaker 8: kind of the letter, but didn't go into all those details.
Speaker 7: Still blocked me. I did shoot her a Venmo request.
Speaker 8: I gave her five dollars on Venmo privately to be like, hey,
Speaker 8: if you want to talk, like, would love to Still
Speaker 8: blocked me, hates me, like, wants nothing to do with me.
Speaker 7: So I'm just kind of leaving it alone.
Speaker 3: Yeah, leave it alone. Leave it alone for a while.
Speaker 3: You have to give it like a month or two,
Speaker 3: you know what I mean. If she's pissed like that,
Speaker 3: then she needs time to calm down, and she will,
Speaker 3: she will calm down. Everybody just needs like a month
Speaker 3: or two. Some people need longer and some people need
Speaker 3: a shorter amount of time. But don't be annoying or
Speaker 3: like a pest about it. Just give her some space.
Speaker 3: When someone asks for space, give them double Yeah.
Speaker 7: Good call, good call.
Speaker 8: So do you think I shouldn't have gotten involved at
Speaker 8: all in the first place?
Speaker 3: I mean, it sounds like this guy is just fucking
Speaker 3: his way through the office, So like you know what
Speaker 3: I mean, Yeah, your next block, your Pikachu if.
Speaker 1: You don't want any action.
Speaker 3: But I mean no, I respect that you wanted to
Speaker 3: get involved and tell these girls, but it just doesn't
Speaker 3: seem like anyone. I mean, he's in a relationship now,
Speaker 3: he's out of a relationship.
Speaker 1: Jane. Is she in a relationship or she's just in
Speaker 1: a relationship with him?
Speaker 8: Jane and Thomas trying to be in one whatever that means.
Speaker 7: They're trying to be together.
Speaker 3: Okay, well, don't be so judgy about that because I
Speaker 3: can see your judgment. Maybe they will be together and then,
Speaker 3: you know what I mean, So you have to accept
Speaker 3: your responsibility. I don't know if you made a mistake.
Speaker 3: It sounds like you kind of did, like you got
Speaker 3: too involved with everybody. But I probably would have advised
Speaker 3: you to do the same thing, because I want to
Speaker 3: be a girl's girl too, Like I don't want women
Speaker 3: being lied to in my presence. I don't like it,
Speaker 3: and I will always tell women the truth.
Speaker 4: Yeah, And the thing is, like, at the end of
Speaker 4: the day, everyone's really upset with Tom. This is sort
Speaker 4: of misdirected anger at you. But only did was take
Speaker 4: the lid off of it.
Speaker 6: I was gonna say that.
Speaker 2: I mean, I feel like when people need that space,
Speaker 2: they're trying to process like oh I feel embarrassed or
Speaker 2: I feel like I've done something wrong now even though
Speaker 2: like this wasn't my fault, but now now the office
Speaker 2: knows or now other people know, and so letting them
Speaker 2: calm down and figure out what they're feeling and processing. Also,
Speaker 2: it's probably just you know, projection of everybody's own experiences
Speaker 2: of like do I get involved do I not and
Speaker 2: get involved judging is this the right thing or the
Speaker 2: wrong thing? That's not for anybody to decide. Obviously, you
Speaker 2: want to be there for your friends and the people
Speaker 2: around you, and also like people are going to make
Speaker 2: their own choices. And I always say this. I'm like,
Speaker 2: I like try to lead the witness instead of telling
Speaker 2: them what's happening them, Like, I'll always be like, so,
Speaker 2: how do you feel about committed partnership and what is
Speaker 2: your relationship?
Speaker 6: What do you guys do?
Speaker 2: Like what do you you and Tom do during your dates?
Speaker 6: What kind of conversations you have?
Speaker 2: Like I always try to ask questions so that they
Speaker 2: can find the answer for themselves versus, you know, sharing like, ah,
Speaker 2: this is what's happening. I see this because that's my
Speaker 2: viewpoint of what's right and what's wrong versus you know,
Speaker 2: letting them discover that.
Speaker 7: Yeah, that's that's a good call out. I've been Jane
Speaker 7: and Tom since the start of their affair, and I
Speaker 7: was supportive and not judgy as much as I could be,
Speaker 7: with kind of nudging like you said, but just seeing
Speaker 7: how it's all progressed and how messy it's gotten me
Speaker 7: more involved and I'm like, okay, I need to stalk well.
Speaker 2: And by the way, it's not fair for you to
Speaker 2: also like have this information, so I agree, like always
Speaker 2: have your friends back and support your women, because also
Speaker 2: it's not fair that you have this information.
Speaker 6: What do you do with it?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would also just have a sense of humor
Speaker 1: about this whole situation. Yeah, oh yeah, don't take it
Speaker 1: so seriously, Like I understand it's kind of a bummer.
Speaker 3: That three people aren't talking to you at work, but
Speaker 3: hopefully you have some other friends there, and just make
Speaker 3: it a joke. You fucked up, you were being a
Speaker 3: nosy nelly or whatever, you know, take the blame for
Speaker 3: yourself you can afford to.
Speaker 1: And it's true what Julianne just said.
Speaker 3: Anyone who like, you know, and you're dating a guy
Speaker 3: and you find out, oh, we had sex with somebody
Speaker 3: else in the office, Like that's embarrassing. That's embarrassing to
Speaker 3: your friends because you want your friends to know that
Speaker 3: he respects you and that he loves you, and then
Speaker 3: he just broke up with his five year girlfriend for
Speaker 3: you or whatever the case may be.
Speaker 1: So just have a sense of.
Speaker 3: Humor about it and let some time pass and don't
Speaker 3: be on them to clear the air so quickly.
Speaker 1: Just let them have some space.
Speaker 8: Yeah, I mean since then, so the Jane and me
Speaker 8: are like cool, We're good.
Speaker 7: It's weird, but we're cool. I'm just like keeping my business,
Speaker 7: minding my business.
Speaker 8: Mom and me had some heated texts and then like
Speaker 8: we haven't really spoken since, so I'm just gonna kind
Speaker 8: of leave.
Speaker 7: Him alone and let uh huh be normal.
Speaker 8: Right, And then with Sarah, I'm just gonna like leave
Speaker 8: her alone entirely, yeah, and.
Speaker 7: Just let her, I guess maybe come to terms with it.
Speaker 8: But like she really hates me, Like even on email
Speaker 8: thread she'll put me like last, and I'm like, okay,
Speaker 8: this is really petty.
Speaker 7: But sure.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I mean you did go out to lunch
Speaker 3: with her, she confided in you, and then you went
Speaker 3: and told everybody no, So like you have to take
Speaker 3: responsibility for that, you know what I mean?
Speaker 7: Yeah? Do you think it's wild?
Speaker 2: Though?
Speaker 8: It's been a month and she won't hear me out
Speaker 8: like I feel like in my normal experiences, people at
Speaker 8: least eventually hear you out.
Speaker 1: They will they when they calm down, they calm down.
Speaker 3: There is no time limit, Like, you can't assign that
Speaker 3: time limit for her. She will calm down at some point,
Speaker 3: but if you're needling her and getting in and trying
Speaker 3: to get it's not going to work.
Speaker 1: So you just have to get give her extra space.
Speaker 3: And there will be an opportunity that will present itself
Speaker 3: where you could do something nice for her around the office,
Speaker 3: or a favor for her, or you know, just in
Speaker 3: that moment. Take that opportunity when it arises, and don't
Speaker 3: expect anything in return, you know, just to soften the ice.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, if this were me in misposition, I
Speaker 2: would probably do a very very like short and sweet,
Speaker 2: I fucked up, Take your time whatever you need, and
Speaker 2: like leave it and then just let go of the
Speaker 2: grip that you're wanting to like make us right, because
Speaker 2: she can feel that a mile away, you know, like
Speaker 2: she can feel the wold of like you're desperate trying
Speaker 2: to reconnect and nobody, nobody wants to have that feeling.
Speaker 2: So let go let it be and see what happens.
Speaker 2: Trust trust that it will come if it needs to.
Speaker 3: And the other thing to remember is everything comes back around. Yeah,
Speaker 3: your relationship with her, there will be an opportunity that
Speaker 3: circles back in your direction to repair whatever happened.
Speaker 1: You just have to trust that because that's the way
Speaker 1: the world works.
Speaker 8: Yeah, that's what I'm hopeful for because my intentions were
Speaker 8: peer here. So eventually I think the dust will settle.
Speaker 8: But like I guess moving forward, would you, as you say,
Speaker 8: like tell on men, but like do we tell them?
Speaker 6: Do?
Speaker 8: I just like now I'm like, I would only do
Speaker 8: this for my best best best best best friend.
Speaker 7: I don't know how to do this anymore.
Speaker 3: No, I mean I think you, I think you learned
Speaker 3: a valuable lesson because it's like you didn't have all
Speaker 3: the facts.
Speaker 1: They didn't sleep together, it didn't overlap, you know.
Speaker 3: I mean, it's all just very kind of torrid office gossip.
Speaker 1: So it's not like your friend.
Speaker 3: Was married and you knew her husband was having an
Speaker 3: affair for several years. That's a more serious offense than
Speaker 3: an office relationship. And then now they're together and he's
Speaker 3: he's left his girlfriend. So I just think you should
Speaker 3: really like think carefully when you intervene on those things.
Speaker 3: But yeah, and since you had this experience, maybe take
Speaker 3: a break for a while.
Speaker 8: Well that's silly part too, Okay, not the before me
Speaker 8: telling Jane, I did pull like a select group of
Speaker 8: my friends who are very removed from the situation and.
Speaker 7: Don't know, and they're like, you have to tell her,
Speaker 7: you have to tell her. I was like, are you
Speaker 7: all fucking sure?
Speaker 8: Like, I don't know if I want to tell her,
Speaker 8: but they all encourage me to, so clearly, people have
Speaker 8: a lot of thoughts about this.
Speaker 3: So yeah, And I always think when you tell someone something,
Speaker 3: it it's better to be anonymous as well, so that
Speaker 3: you don't have to It's like, there's that site where
Speaker 3: you're going to sign up for anonymous coworker dot com
Speaker 3: and send an email like your breath smells your fucking
Speaker 3: your heart and I know you fart, Like you can
Speaker 3: always send it an honest email, and that way you
Speaker 3: don't have to fucking worry about telling the truth because
Speaker 3: it's it's just out there.
Speaker 1: You told them, and you don't it's not on you.
Speaker 7: Yeah, a good call. I haven't looked into that.
Speaker 1: Yeah. And then today you have a great cocktail party story.
Speaker 4: Yeah, all right, thanks so much, Jackie.
Speaker 1: Let us know how it all shakes out.
Speaker 7: Okay, this is been awesome.
Speaker 1: Thank you guys, Bye bye. It's funny too, like tell
Speaker 1: some First of all.
Speaker 3: It's so fucked up to go and tell someone a secret,
Speaker 3: and then I have them fucking tell everyone the next day.
Speaker 1: It's like, wait, that's not girl power either. She's like
Speaker 1: she's girl power for one girl, but not for one
Speaker 1: And she was like mad at the guy for like
Speaker 1: calling this girl crazy.
Speaker 5: And then she's like, but she.
Speaker 1: Might be crazy. Yeah, I know, yeah.
Speaker 5: Blocked on Venmo I think is my favorite. Like Petty,
Speaker 5: that's like.
Speaker 1: I don't even want your money.
Speaker 5: Well, our next caller is Nicole. She is thirty eight.
Speaker 4: She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm recently separated from my husband
Speaker 4: of almost five years. I was over the marriage about
Speaker 4: two years ago, but never pulled the trigger. I'm not
Speaker 4: sure that we should have ever been married in the
Speaker 4: first place. There were kind of red flags all over
Speaker 4: the place. I truly feel that things and people are
Speaker 4: put into your life when you need them. Your podcast
Speaker 4: included I met a guy through a hobby and he
Speaker 4: was the reason I finally decided to leave the marriage.
Speaker 4: Not because I wanted to date him, but because I
Speaker 4: wanted to have the option to date him or anyone
Speaker 4: else if the opportunity presented itself, if that makes sense.
Speaker 4: Four months later, we are dating. I'm still legally married.
Speaker 4: I don't have any intentions on divorcing within the next
Speaker 4: year for insurance reasons, but I am one hundred percent done.
Speaker 1: Is that fair to my ex and this new guy.
Speaker 4: I recently found out that the new guy is still
Speaker 4: talking to someone that he used to date, who quote
Speaker 4: broke his heart, and is it fair for me to
Speaker 4: ask him to stop talking to her. I want to
Speaker 4: be official with this new guy, but I'm having a
Speaker 4: hard time with the fact that I'm still married on paper,
Speaker 4: and it wouldn't be fair to ask him to stop
Speaker 4: talking to her because I'm still married. I also don't
Speaker 4: know if the feelings I have are because it's new
Speaker 4: and exciting and what my marriage had been missing for years,
Speaker 4: or if they're real. I truly want to be single
Speaker 4: after our separation, but the situationship is so refreshing. Sincerely, Nicole, Hi.
Speaker 3: Nicole, Hi, Hi, This is Julianne Half, our special guest today.
Speaker 2: Hello to meet Nicole.
Speaker 6: Thanks to meet you too.
Speaker 3: Well, it sounds like two different situations, like you're done
Speaker 3: with your ex husband. That's pretty clear. Regardless of whether
Speaker 3: you're still officially married. I don't think that's really relevant
Speaker 3: because you're working towards not being married.
Speaker 6: Correct event Ulie, not anytime soon?
Speaker 1: But because why insurance? Oh okay, well, but that's fine.
Speaker 1: That's just like a I have a question.
Speaker 2: Are you separated? And does your husband technically know that
Speaker 2: you have a relationship not legally separated.
Speaker 6: He's out of the house. Okay, he knows that we're separated,
Speaker 6: but you've.
Speaker 2: Made like a verbal declaration that you guys are separated
Speaker 2: and that you are dating other people, et cetera.
Speaker 6: He doesn't know I'm dating other people.
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, Well, I just want to give the facts
Speaker 2: before we get know.
Speaker 1: I like your investigative work.
Speaker 6: An he didn't want the divorce, and I feel like
Speaker 6: there's no reason to kick him while he's down. I guess,
Speaker 6: you know, and let him know that I'm seeing somebody
Speaker 6: else already.
Speaker 2: Well, that's judgment on your end, by the way you
Speaker 2: whether you're seeing somebody or not, there's a choice in that,
Speaker 2: and you don't have to judge that. Also, the second
Speaker 2: thing I will say is, even though it's hurtful for
Speaker 2: somebody to hear something, clarity is the best thing that
Speaker 2: you can give somebody, because the not knowing but feeling
Speaker 2: something is much more disheartening. And clarity, even though it
Speaker 2: can be painful to hear in the moment who it
Speaker 2: is a blessing. So I'm just going to drop that
Speaker 2: first before we get into the details.
Speaker 1: I couldn't agree with that more.
Speaker 3: I think you think when you're protecting somebody, you're actually
Speaker 3: usually doing more damage.
Speaker 1: He's not a child, he's an adult.
Speaker 3: You're getting a divorce, and the quicker he knows that
Speaker 3: you're moving on to someone else, the quicker he's going
Speaker 3: to be able to process that and get over the
Speaker 3: relationship ending, and you too.
Speaker 6: You know, I don't see him processing though. I mean
Speaker 6: we talked about therapy, never did therapy. He wasn't a communicator.
Speaker 6: He was like, would ignore me for days when something
Speaker 6: bothered him. So I don't know how he would process it.
Speaker 6: And his mother passed away in May, so that kind
Speaker 6: of threw a curveball and in everything. So it's like,
Speaker 6: I don't want to tell you I'm dating after your
Speaker 6: mom just passed away, and after I wanted this divorce.
Speaker 6: You know, we never told He never told his parents
Speaker 6: that we separated before his mom passed away, so kind
Speaker 6: of a blessing in disguise, you know afterwards, because she
Speaker 6: didn't know. But he just doesn't talk.
Speaker 2: Well, and there's a reason why you're wanting to get
Speaker 2: a divorce, and you're not responsible for him, and as
Speaker 2: you're separating, you're you're moving to be less responsible for him.
Speaker 1: So even though.
Speaker 2: You're dating somebody else and moving this direction, you're still
Speaker 2: taking care of his emotions and what he needs when
Speaker 2: that's why you're leaving the really not why you're leaving
Speaker 2: the relationship, but that's not your responsibility anymore. And he's
Speaker 2: going to have to deal with things when people die,
Speaker 2: When certain things happen, life continues to happen, and it's
Speaker 2: on that person to figure out how they're going to
Speaker 2: show up and deal with that. But the clarity is key.
Speaker 2: I will just say that hands down.
Speaker 6: Well, So back to one of the other questions in
Speaker 6: the letter, though, should I figure out what this new
Speaker 6: relationship is before I'd throw that out there or it's
Speaker 6: like it's going to happen regardless of just get it
Speaker 6: over with.
Speaker 3: Well, you mentioned that the guy that you're seeing is
Speaker 3: talking to his ex, right, Yes, in what.
Speaker 1: Kind of context do you know?
Speaker 6: I don't know.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 3: I think what you should focus on just hearing you
Speaker 3: talk and all of us being together right now is
Speaker 3: cleaning up your side of the street. I don't think
Speaker 3: you should worry about what your new boyfriend is doing.
Speaker 3: How to categorize or qualify this new relationship. I think
Speaker 3: you have to be very forthright and use this as
Speaker 3: like a stepping stone to become the newer, better version
Speaker 3: of you. That means being honest with your ex husband.
Speaker 3: His mom died in May. She didn't die yesterday. People
Speaker 3: have to deal with stuff. Everything Julianna is saying is
Speaker 3: spot on and I couldn't agree more. And you have
Speaker 3: to use this opportunity to grow as a human being.
Speaker 3: You don't have to have a label for what your
Speaker 3: relationship is now. You know you're interested in him, you
Speaker 3: know you like him, and you know it bothers you
Speaker 3: that he's talking to his ex. Take those things one
Speaker 3: at a time, you know, first, deal with your ex
Speaker 3: husband so that you have a clean area to play
Speaker 3: in where you're like, okay, you don't have to feel
Speaker 3: guilty about.
Speaker 1: Dating someone or seeing someone.
Speaker 3: Then you can go to this guy and say, Okay,
Speaker 3: now that we're in this new thing, how many months
Speaker 3: has this been going on with this new guy?
Speaker 6: Pretty much right after my husband moved out, so four months?
Speaker 1: Four months? Great?
Speaker 3: You could say, listen, I'm having feelings for you. I'm
Speaker 3: not sure where this is headed, but I do have
Speaker 3: feelings for you. I've let my husband know that I'm
Speaker 3: singing you where are you?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: Where? Or do you stan? How? I know you're talking
Speaker 1: to your ex? What is that about? Is that something
Speaker 1: that is?
Speaker 3: It might be be rekindling, like let's just be honest
Speaker 3: as possible with each other, and that way no one
Speaker 3: gets that hurt. It's the dancing around subjects and not
Speaker 3: wanting to deal with conflict that creates conflict.
Speaker 4: Yeah, there is one other element too. I think totally
Speaker 4: agreeing that clarity is the right thing here. And I
Speaker 4: think your ex may have some questions about like where
Speaker 4: did you meet this person? How long have you been
Speaker 4: seeing each other, etc. And I don't think that you
Speaker 4: owe him those details. I think you can just say, like,
Speaker 4: I'm seeing other people, I'm moving on, I'm starting to date.
Speaker 4: I wouldn't give him the you know, the the question
Speaker 4: marks of like were they hooking up while we were
Speaker 4: still together, when she was doing her hobby, et cetera,
Speaker 4: et cetera. You know, you can just leave it out
Speaker 4: like a no. When he asks those questions, you know,
Speaker 4: those sort of investigative questions.
Speaker 6: Do you think it's appropriate to be staying with my
Speaker 6: married to my husband just for insurance?
Speaker 4: I think that's a question that like, it depends on
Speaker 4: your family at some point. Obviously you do need to
Speaker 4: make that break. But you guys have kids together, right, No?
Speaker 6: I have two kids from a previous okay relationship, but
Speaker 6: his insurance does cover them. What do you feel I
Speaker 6: feel like I've put up with a lot from him
Speaker 6: through our marriage that I deserve to keep the insurance.
Speaker 6: But my therapist and my mother do not feel that way.
Speaker 3: Do you think that if you're at honest with him
Speaker 3: about you seeing other people, he's going to ex but
Speaker 3: this divorce and that you were going to lose the insurance.
Speaker 6: I feel like he would be vindictive in a way
Speaker 6: and do it just to get off of the insurance.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I still wouldn't allow that to prevent you from
Speaker 3: being honest.
Speaker 1: Do you have a job, do you have the ability
Speaker 1: to get your own insurance.
Speaker 6: I do, but his is just great insurance. He doesn't
Speaker 6: pay for it, and I've met my out of pocket
Speaker 6: deductibles in my MAX for the year, so that's the
Speaker 6: big reason. So now it's like, oh, now I can
Speaker 6: get my therapy paid for. Now I can go and
Speaker 6: get all the other stuff I need done.
Speaker 3: And yeah, I hear that, but it's manipulative. He may
Speaker 3: not cut you off as your insurance. You might be
Speaker 3: surprised by his reaction. It's just like Catherine said, just
Speaker 3: say I'm seeing this as this is a separation and
Speaker 3: that we are moving towards divorce at some point.
Speaker 1: And we don't have to do that right away.
Speaker 3: We don't have to decide right away, but I want
Speaker 3: you to know that I'm seeing people and let's see
Speaker 3: what happens with him. I don't think your happiness is
Speaker 3: worth the insurance in the long run. I understand what
Speaker 3: you're saying, but there's other avenues for you.
Speaker 1: It's not like this is the only avenue.
Speaker 2: I would add to that too with the insurance. And
Speaker 2: I don't know your relationship or the dynamic of who
Speaker 2: he is either, but like at least present the option
Speaker 2: so that they have a choice to react how they
Speaker 2: want to react, and maybe saying like, you know, part
Speaker 2: of us being separated is the direction that we're heading.
Speaker 2: But I'm really concerned about the insurance because this is
Speaker 2: an amazing thing, and would you be willing to continue
Speaker 2: the insurance until the end of the year until I
Speaker 2: can figure something out, you know, like presenting something as like, hey,
Speaker 2: this is something that is really valuable for me and
Speaker 2: in this next transition and chapter for us, and like
Speaker 2: this is really helpful. Can we talk about this and
Speaker 2: the insurance as like its own conversation and then the
Speaker 2: clarity of moving forward and I am seeing someone or
Speaker 2: other people that's its own conversation too. I don't think
Speaker 2: you have to blend the two, but I think that
Speaker 2: saying we're moving into different directions, but in this transition
Speaker 2: and working and obviously you know this is great for
Speaker 2: me and reaching a deductible and all these things like
Speaker 2: this is super helpful. Can we talk about what that
Speaker 2: looks like moving forward? Again, I don't know your husband,
Speaker 2: so I don't know how he will respond to that,
Speaker 2: but that would be the like, I am not going
Speaker 2: to give my power to someone else and just stay
Speaker 2: there because of safety and also I'm not going to
Speaker 2: bend over backwards to get what I need because clearly,
Speaker 2: like you are a capable human being, you can find
Speaker 2: ways to find insurance and all those things. Like we
Speaker 2: are so much more capable than we give ourselves credit for.
Speaker 2: So I'm not worried about you at all to find that.
Speaker 2: But there is like a you know, a safety and
Speaker 2: knowing that this already exists, So let's just have a
Speaker 2: conversation about it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and give him the truth of the matter.
Speaker 3: It's not cool to make decisions for other people by
Speaker 3: keeping information from them. Give him all the information and
Speaker 3: then let him decide how he wants to proceed, and
Speaker 3: he'll he may surprise you and be like, Okay, of course,
Speaker 3: I'll give you to the end of the year for
Speaker 3: your insurance.
Speaker 1: This is good for me to know.
Speaker 3: It's hurtful and it's painful, but I'm glad that you
Speaker 3: were honest with me. You can't beat honesty.
Speaker 2: You're gonna have to deal with it at some point anyway,
Speaker 2: so might as well do it now before it gets
Speaker 2: over with haangled, well, before it gets more entangled and
Speaker 2: more painful for.
Speaker 1: Both of you. Yeah, Yeah, it's time you so go
Speaker 1: woman up to the situation. Okay, we'll be all right.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Nicole, Okay, thank you, Nicole, thank you.
Speaker 3: All Right, we'll take a quick break and we'll be
Speaker 3: right back to wrap up, and we're back with Julianne Huff.
Speaker 1: I knew you'd be perfect at this. Julianne, you know this.
Speaker 2: Is great with strangers.
Speaker 6: You know, this is usually just me and my sister.
Speaker 1: And my mom.
Speaker 6: I know.
Speaker 3: I sometimes have my sisters on the podcast to give
Speaker 3: advice too, because I'm like, they're like, you're you're always
Speaker 3: fucking yelling at us. We want to yell at some people.
Speaker 3: Come on, Juliane, congrats on your book. It's called Everything
Speaker 3: We Never Knew, And you've been wonderful and I loved
Speaker 3: bumping into you as briefly as I did when we
Speaker 3: were on a plane a few weeks ago. I hope
Speaker 3: I bump into you more often. And thank you so
Speaker 3: much for being with us.
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, thank you both so much. Catherine, Chelsea,
Speaker 2: you guys are amazing, and I truly like, I'm grateful
Speaker 2: for what you're doing because having these conversations just allows
Speaker 2: for i don't know, taking the charge away for what
Speaker 2: you know, is scary. And when you can have a
Speaker 2: conversation with a bunch of women and feel supported even
Speaker 2: though we don't know each other, it's like it's pretty great.
Speaker 2: So all these women that just called in, like we're
Speaker 2: all in this like weird, crazy human life experience together
Speaker 2: and just focus on being you, like finding and trusting
Speaker 2: yourself and being honest and integral with yourself. Well everything
Speaker 2: else will.
Speaker 1: Just show up.
Speaker 2: Just ye get there first. Yeah, that's what the book's
Speaker 2: about too.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Absolutely, Okay, take care, Julianna, all right, thank you both.
Speaker 1: Day, have a great day, by my life. Okay.
Speaker 3: So upcoming shows that I have you guys. August seventeenth
Speaker 3: is the Santa Barbara Bowl.
Speaker 1: You do not want to miss that.
Speaker 3: And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston,
Speaker 3: South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint
Speaker 3: Louis and Kansas City, and then I will be in
Speaker 3: Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel.
Speaker 3: My first three dates in Vegas are September first, Labor
Speaker 3: Day weekend, and then November two and November thirtieth.
Speaker 1: I'm coming to.
Speaker 3: Brooklyn, New York, at the King's Theater on November eighth,
Speaker 3: and I have tickets on sale throughout the end of
Speaker 3: the year in December, so if you're in a city
Speaker 3: like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans
Speaker 3: or Omaha, check Chelsea handler dot com for tickets.
Speaker 4: Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an
Speaker 4: email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and
Speaker 4: be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is
Speaker 4: edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law
Speaker 4: and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler
Speaker 4: dot com.