1 00:00:14,956 --> 00:00:23,956 Speaker 1: Pushkin hay Slight Changers, in honor of International Women's Month, 2 00:00:24,116 --> 00:00:28,716 Speaker 1: were revisiting a conversation with Christy Warren, a former firefighter 3 00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:32,236 Speaker 1: and paramedic who spent decades showing up for people on 4 00:00:32,276 --> 00:00:35,556 Speaker 1: some of the worst days of their lives. Christy was 5 00:00:35,596 --> 00:00:39,996 Speaker 1: the kind of first responder you'd want in a crisis, steady, capable, 6 00:00:40,436 --> 00:00:44,276 Speaker 1: and deeply committed to helping others. Over time, though, the 7 00:00:44,316 --> 00:00:46,956 Speaker 1: emotional weight of the job began to take its toll, 8 00:00:47,716 --> 00:00:50,876 Speaker 1: and Christy had to confront mental health issues that for 9 00:00:50,956 --> 00:00:55,236 Speaker 1: so long she had stuffed deep down. This episode is 10 00:00:55,276 --> 00:00:58,316 Speaker 1: about what happens when the person you rely on needs 11 00:00:58,356 --> 00:01:01,756 Speaker 1: help herself, and the courage it takes to ask for it. 12 00:01:02,636 --> 00:01:04,876 Speaker 1: Christy is one of my favorite guests we've had on 13 00:01:04,916 --> 00:01:07,516 Speaker 1: a slight change of plans, and I'm so glad to 14 00:01:07,556 --> 00:01:10,836 Speaker 1: be bringing you this episode today. I hope you enjoy it. 15 00:01:11,516 --> 00:01:15,116 Speaker 1: A final note before we dive in. This episode contains 16 00:01:15,196 --> 00:01:18,276 Speaker 1: sensitive material, so please take care while listening. 17 00:01:30,236 --> 00:01:32,636 Speaker 2: There's so many important things that go on in this world, 18 00:01:32,636 --> 00:01:35,396 Speaker 2: and so many important people. But when your life is 19 00:01:35,436 --> 00:01:38,276 Speaker 2: falling apart, you know, or the worst day of your life, 20 00:01:38,956 --> 00:01:42,116 Speaker 2: I mean, who's more valuable than some person who's going 21 00:01:42,156 --> 00:01:43,796 Speaker 2: to come and fix it or who's going to come 22 00:01:43,836 --> 00:01:44,436 Speaker 2: and save you. 23 00:01:45,396 --> 00:01:48,996 Speaker 1: Christy Warren served as a firefighter in paramedic in California 24 00:01:49,116 --> 00:01:52,156 Speaker 1: starting in the nineteen nineties. She was committed to being 25 00:01:52,236 --> 00:01:55,196 Speaker 1: one of the toughest and strongest members on her team, 26 00:01:55,796 --> 00:01:59,236 Speaker 1: and often that meant concealing the challenging emotions that came 27 00:01:59,236 --> 00:02:04,556 Speaker 1: along with daily exposure to life and death situations. For decades, 28 00:02:04,676 --> 00:02:08,676 Speaker 1: Christie placed every difficult feeling she experienced into a box 29 00:02:08,716 --> 00:02:11,436 Speaker 1: in the back of her mind. But after a while, 30 00:02:11,676 --> 00:02:14,436 Speaker 1: the box became so full it burst open. 31 00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:18,316 Speaker 2: It was like being locked in a movie theater with 32 00:02:18,356 --> 00:02:21,236 Speaker 2: something just horrible playing, with the volume turned all the 33 00:02:21,276 --> 00:02:23,116 Speaker 2: way up and the brightness turned all the way up, 34 00:02:23,116 --> 00:02:25,316 Speaker 2: and you can't close your eyes and you can't get 35 00:02:25,356 --> 00:02:28,476 Speaker 2: away from it. And that would go on for I 36 00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:31,396 Speaker 2: mean all day until I'd fall asleep, and you know, 37 00:02:31,396 --> 00:02:34,516 Speaker 2: and then I'd have nightmares and I'd wake up screaming, 38 00:02:34,756 --> 00:02:37,756 Speaker 2: and I'd flip myself out of bed and I just 39 00:02:39,356 --> 00:02:41,236 Speaker 2: it was just like the most painful thing ever. 40 00:02:44,756 --> 00:02:48,996 Speaker 1: On today's episode, what Happens When a first Responder needs saving, 41 00:02:50,956 --> 00:02:53,756 Speaker 1: I'm maya Shunker and this is a slight change of plans, 42 00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:56,236 Speaker 1: a show about who we are and who we become 43 00:02:56,476 --> 00:03:02,596 Speaker 1: in the face of a big change. I actually got 44 00:03:02,596 --> 00:03:04,956 Speaker 1: to know Christy Warren through a slight change of plans. 45 00:03:05,476 --> 00:03:07,436 Speaker 1: She was a fan of the show and reached out 46 00:03:07,476 --> 00:03:11,036 Speaker 1: to me about her transformative ex experiences as a first responder. 47 00:03:11,916 --> 00:03:14,916 Speaker 1: I was really taken by Christy's message and her thoughtful, 48 00:03:14,996 --> 00:03:17,876 Speaker 1: candid nature. I asked her if she would join me 49 00:03:17,916 --> 00:03:20,476 Speaker 1: on the show and share her story with all of you. 50 00:03:21,516 --> 00:03:24,316 Speaker 1: Christy began her career in the San Francisco Bay Area. 51 00:03:24,876 --> 00:03:27,636 Speaker 1: She worked in Vallejo as a paramedic, then in Berkeley 52 00:03:27,636 --> 00:03:31,116 Speaker 1: as a firefighter. Her identity as a first responder made 53 00:03:31,116 --> 00:03:34,196 Speaker 1: her feel valued, which was in stark contrast to how 54 00:03:34,236 --> 00:03:35,276 Speaker 1: she felt growing up. 55 00:03:36,596 --> 00:03:39,556 Speaker 2: I had a pretty challenging childhood, you know. I felt 56 00:03:40,036 --> 00:03:45,156 Speaker 2: pretty invisible. My mom was interested in other stuff, pretty 57 00:03:45,196 --> 00:03:49,036 Speaker 2: much anything besides myself. She's nineteen when she got pregnant 58 00:03:49,076 --> 00:03:52,596 Speaker 2: with me, and she was like a royal party goer, 59 00:03:52,756 --> 00:03:56,516 Speaker 2: and she was really never around much at all. And 60 00:03:56,676 --> 00:04:00,956 Speaker 2: my parents got divorced when I was four, and then 61 00:04:00,956 --> 00:04:05,076 Speaker 2: my mom got remarried and my stepfather was really into drugs, 62 00:04:05,076 --> 00:04:07,796 Speaker 2: and so she really got into drugs, and so when 63 00:04:07,836 --> 00:04:11,556 Speaker 2: she was around, she wasn't around, if that makes any sense. 64 00:04:11,556 --> 00:04:13,636 Speaker 2: It was like I felt like I had to grow 65 00:04:13,716 --> 00:04:18,716 Speaker 2: up really really fast. It was all about like how 66 00:04:18,836 --> 00:04:21,516 Speaker 2: quickly can I grow up and get out of here 67 00:04:21,716 --> 00:04:24,956 Speaker 2: and not have to be in this mess and depend 68 00:04:25,076 --> 00:04:30,836 Speaker 2: on somebody else and just take care of myself and 69 00:04:31,796 --> 00:04:34,476 Speaker 2: so yeah, so you know, I felt real invisible. You know, 70 00:04:34,476 --> 00:04:36,756 Speaker 2: it's kind of like there's that saying like, oh, that person's, 71 00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:39,196 Speaker 2: you know, only person a mother can love, and it's like, well, 72 00:04:39,836 --> 00:04:41,956 Speaker 2: you know, I felt like it's like, well, why mom 73 00:04:41,996 --> 00:04:44,356 Speaker 2: didn't even love me? So you know, what does that 74 00:04:44,556 --> 00:04:47,756 Speaker 2: make me? And I would do a lot of stuff 75 00:04:47,796 --> 00:04:51,516 Speaker 2: to try and get her attention. I always would run away. 76 00:04:51,676 --> 00:04:53,276 Speaker 2: The street that I lived on, though, was a tree 77 00:04:53,316 --> 00:04:56,916 Speaker 2: fort up in this tree, and you know, as kids 78 00:04:56,876 --> 00:04:58,796 Speaker 2: would go play up in there. And then one day 79 00:04:58,836 --> 00:05:00,516 Speaker 2: I was up there by myself and I was like, 80 00:05:00,556 --> 00:05:04,876 Speaker 2: I'm going to jump and maybe then she'll pay attention 81 00:05:04,916 --> 00:05:10,516 Speaker 2: to me. And so I jumped and I landed on 82 00:05:10,556 --> 00:05:13,836 Speaker 2: my feet, you know, fell forward. It kind of took 83 00:05:13,916 --> 00:05:16,476 Speaker 2: inventory and I was fine, and I was kind of pissed. 84 00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:19,236 Speaker 2: Because it was like I was hoping. I was hoping 85 00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:21,116 Speaker 2: to get her or break a leg or something. So 86 00:05:21,396 --> 00:05:23,116 Speaker 2: it's like my mom would have to take care of 87 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,556 Speaker 2: me or have to pay attention to me. 88 00:05:26,876 --> 00:05:33,116 Speaker 1: Wow. So, Christy, you ultimately end up training and passing 89 00:05:33,316 --> 00:05:37,436 Speaker 1: all the required tests to become a paramedic. Can you 90 00:05:37,476 --> 00:05:41,516 Speaker 1: tell me more about what those early years were like 91 00:05:41,556 --> 00:05:44,036 Speaker 1: for you? What I would call the golden years of 92 00:05:44,116 --> 00:05:44,836 Speaker 1: Christie's time. 93 00:05:45,516 --> 00:05:48,036 Speaker 2: You know, they were the golden years. Yeah, no, They're 94 00:05:48,076 --> 00:05:53,836 Speaker 2: totally the golden years. They were. It was really the 95 00:05:53,836 --> 00:05:56,836 Speaker 2: best time of my life. I you know, I started 96 00:05:56,836 --> 00:05:59,396 Speaker 2: when I was nineteen, so I was in my early twenties, 97 00:05:59,996 --> 00:06:03,636 Speaker 2: and I worked in Valleo. So like the car accidents 98 00:06:03,876 --> 00:06:07,476 Speaker 2: and the shootings and the stabbings and all that kind 99 00:06:07,516 --> 00:06:11,796 Speaker 2: of stuff were rampant, just all the time, every day, 100 00:06:11,996 --> 00:06:15,636 Speaker 2: and I couldn't get enough. I was like a little 101 00:06:15,716 --> 00:06:18,756 Speaker 2: kid in a candy shop. I mean, this sounds horrible, 102 00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:24,036 Speaker 2: but you know, the bloodier and the worse and the 103 00:06:24,076 --> 00:06:29,876 Speaker 2: more intricate and smashed up things, the better I performed 104 00:06:30,036 --> 00:06:34,476 Speaker 2: and the better I felt afterwards. And you know, and 105 00:06:34,516 --> 00:06:36,916 Speaker 2: I think it also goes back to being needed. You know, 106 00:06:38,156 --> 00:06:40,636 Speaker 2: when there's an accident, everybody slows down and looks, and 107 00:06:41,196 --> 00:06:44,756 Speaker 2: the animalce drives by. Everybody kind of looks. And for 108 00:06:44,836 --> 00:06:47,316 Speaker 2: me to like to be there, and how visible I 109 00:06:47,316 --> 00:06:51,476 Speaker 2: would be is like I would be where everybody not 110 00:06:51,516 --> 00:06:54,756 Speaker 2: necessarily wanted to be, but wanted to look and was. 111 00:06:55,796 --> 00:06:59,196 Speaker 2: I was important and I was valued. And I mean 112 00:06:59,196 --> 00:07:01,236 Speaker 2: there's so many important things that go on in this 113 00:07:01,316 --> 00:07:04,236 Speaker 2: world and so many important people. But when your life 114 00:07:04,276 --> 00:07:07,876 Speaker 2: is falling apart, you know, the worst day of your life, 115 00:07:08,316 --> 00:07:11,796 Speaker 2: I mean, who's more valuable than some person who's going 116 00:07:11,836 --> 00:07:13,476 Speaker 2: to come and fix it, or who's going to come 117 00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:17,756 Speaker 2: and save you, or even just know what to do. 118 00:07:18,596 --> 00:07:23,796 Speaker 2: And so by being in that environment, I felt valued, 119 00:07:24,356 --> 00:07:30,396 Speaker 2: I felt important, I felt needed, and I was visible. 120 00:07:30,436 --> 00:07:32,236 Speaker 2: I wasn't invisible anymore. 121 00:07:32,716 --> 00:07:34,276 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, you say it sounds weird, but it 122 00:07:34,876 --> 00:07:39,276 Speaker 1: makes so much sense that the more the situation calls 123 00:07:39,276 --> 00:07:42,436 Speaker 1: of you, the more valuable you feel, and therefore it 124 00:07:42,476 --> 00:07:44,596 Speaker 1: might bring out the best in you and your first 125 00:07:44,636 --> 00:07:45,956 Speaker 1: responder skills. 126 00:07:46,196 --> 00:07:48,396 Speaker 2: Yeah. I would have done it for free. I mean 127 00:07:48,756 --> 00:07:51,716 Speaker 2: I just loved I worked so much over time, you know, 128 00:07:51,716 --> 00:07:53,996 Speaker 2: I almost worked every single day. You know, he worked 129 00:07:54,036 --> 00:07:57,036 Speaker 2: twenty four hour shifts, and so I was tired, but 130 00:07:57,196 --> 00:08:00,596 Speaker 2: it was like the most satisfying tired. I just would 131 00:08:00,596 --> 00:08:03,636 Speaker 2: almost say it was bliss. I was so happy. 132 00:08:05,916 --> 00:08:08,916 Speaker 1: There's this moment, relatively early in your career where you 133 00:08:08,916 --> 00:08:13,276 Speaker 1: get hint of just how psychologically taxing this job can be. 134 00:08:13,556 --> 00:08:17,956 Speaker 1: You end up perceiving one particularly harrowing call in which 135 00:08:17,996 --> 00:08:20,836 Speaker 1: a mother and her four kids are trapped in a 136 00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:23,276 Speaker 1: burning house, and you're the first person called on the 137 00:08:23,356 --> 00:08:27,276 Speaker 1: scene that night. Do you mind sharing what unfolded? 138 00:08:28,436 --> 00:08:31,756 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, for sure. So yeah, So we were I 139 00:08:31,756 --> 00:08:34,316 Speaker 2: was working on the ambulance and we were dispatched to 140 00:08:34,836 --> 00:08:38,636 Speaker 2: a house fire and the whole second story of the 141 00:08:38,676 --> 00:08:42,436 Speaker 2: house had flames blowing out of it, and there was 142 00:08:42,476 --> 00:08:46,156 Speaker 2: a mother hanging on to a firefighter, just screaming that 143 00:08:46,196 --> 00:08:49,436 Speaker 2: her kids were inside, And so I asked her how 144 00:08:49,476 --> 00:08:54,956 Speaker 2: many kids are inside and she screamed four. And a 145 00:08:54,996 --> 00:08:59,356 Speaker 2: firefighter at that time came out and said, I have 146 00:08:59,396 --> 00:09:01,556 Speaker 2: one kid. I don't know if we can do anything 147 00:09:01,596 --> 00:09:03,156 Speaker 2: for him. Will you come in and look? And I 148 00:09:03,156 --> 00:09:05,916 Speaker 2: said sure, So I went in and it was a 149 00:09:05,996 --> 00:09:07,956 Speaker 2: what turned out to be a four year old kid 150 00:09:08,196 --> 00:09:12,676 Speaker 2: who burned beyond recognition. You know, no fingers or toes 151 00:09:12,796 --> 00:09:17,156 Speaker 2: or ears or nose or lips, and so I said, 152 00:09:17,196 --> 00:09:19,316 Speaker 2: you just I go. No, there's nothing we can do 153 00:09:19,396 --> 00:09:21,316 Speaker 2: for him. I said, but you gotta leave us inside. 154 00:09:21,556 --> 00:09:24,556 Speaker 2: You can't take it outside. And the mother can't see it, 155 00:09:24,676 --> 00:09:27,756 Speaker 2: the neighborhood can't see it. And I'm very sure I 156 00:09:27,836 --> 00:09:29,596 Speaker 2: refer to it as an it and not a he 157 00:09:29,716 --> 00:09:33,476 Speaker 2: or she. So I went back out, and then a 158 00:09:33,516 --> 00:09:37,076 Speaker 2: firefighter came running out and handed me this kid. You know, 159 00:09:37,156 --> 00:09:39,476 Speaker 2: his legs and arms are bouncing because it's so limp 160 00:09:39,556 --> 00:09:43,316 Speaker 2: and has you know, skin has burned off of him, 161 00:09:43,396 --> 00:09:46,196 Speaker 2: like hanging like a spider web. And he hands me 162 00:09:46,236 --> 00:09:49,556 Speaker 2: this kid, and I'm like okay, And so I jump 163 00:09:49,596 --> 00:09:51,076 Speaker 2: in the back of my ambulance and I put the 164 00:09:51,156 --> 00:09:53,196 Speaker 2: kid on the gurney and I'm just starting to try 165 00:09:53,236 --> 00:09:56,076 Speaker 2: and get an airway, and another firefighter comes out with 166 00:09:56,116 --> 00:09:58,756 Speaker 2: another kid and hands me the kid and I put 167 00:09:58,796 --> 00:10:02,076 Speaker 2: him on my gurney. And then another firefighter comes out 168 00:10:02,116 --> 00:10:06,636 Speaker 2: with another kid in the same condition, And so I 169 00:10:06,636 --> 00:10:10,236 Speaker 2: hoped in the back of my ambulance again and like 170 00:10:10,396 --> 00:10:12,196 Speaker 2: almost looked for a second, like, Hey, which kid do 171 00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:15,156 Speaker 2: I pick to start working on first? Like who deserves 172 00:10:15,196 --> 00:10:21,716 Speaker 2: to live more than the other. Yeah, we all we 173 00:10:21,756 --> 00:10:24,276 Speaker 2: all went to the hospital after that with our kids. 174 00:10:24,116 --> 00:10:27,196 Speaker 1: And did they survive? Do the three children of four survive? 175 00:10:28,076 --> 00:10:31,156 Speaker 2: The three children did survive. A couple of them had 176 00:10:31,196 --> 00:10:34,436 Speaker 2: like severe severe burns, and you know, I went, we 177 00:10:34,476 --> 00:10:37,516 Speaker 2: went to the hospital to see him afterwards, and the 178 00:10:37,556 --> 00:10:39,636 Speaker 2: one kid was, you know, like a two year old 179 00:10:39,916 --> 00:10:42,796 Speaker 2: was in you know, bed, it was laying on its back. 180 00:10:42,956 --> 00:10:45,996 Speaker 2: It was just completely wrapped in guze, had tubes coming 181 00:10:45,996 --> 00:10:50,716 Speaker 2: out everywhere. And my thought was, like, nobody's going to 182 00:10:50,756 --> 00:10:52,676 Speaker 2: be able to pick this kid up and hold it 183 00:10:52,916 --> 00:10:57,956 Speaker 2: for for months and months and months, and what this 184 00:10:58,036 --> 00:10:59,276 Speaker 2: kid's gonna have to go through. 185 00:10:59,196 --> 00:11:01,436 Speaker 1: These of all the skin that had been burned off, you. 186 00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:05,116 Speaker 2: Mean, yeah, burned off and yeah, wow, and uh, but 187 00:11:05,196 --> 00:11:09,756 Speaker 2: they did. The three of them, they survived. 188 00:11:12,076 --> 00:11:15,876 Speaker 1: And then what was the what was the aftermath of this? 189 00:11:17,316 --> 00:11:19,316 Speaker 2: It was kind of a big deal in the community, 190 00:11:19,716 --> 00:11:23,436 Speaker 2: and so they did what it's called a critical instance 191 00:11:23,556 --> 00:11:27,356 Speaker 2: stress debriefing. So what happens is, you know, it's totally confidential, 192 00:11:27,396 --> 00:11:29,836 Speaker 2: and everybody sits in a circle and kind of go 193 00:11:29,916 --> 00:11:32,356 Speaker 2: around the room and you know, say what we did 194 00:11:32,356 --> 00:11:36,276 Speaker 2: on the call and you know, any feelings we had afterwards, 195 00:11:36,316 --> 00:11:38,236 Speaker 2: and it's just kind of a way to like bring 196 00:11:38,276 --> 00:11:41,076 Speaker 2: closure to it, and you know, have everybody talk together. 197 00:11:41,156 --> 00:11:44,436 Speaker 2: And so everybody was going around the room and everybody 198 00:11:44,516 --> 00:11:48,756 Speaker 2: was crying and like just talking and through tears, and 199 00:11:48,796 --> 00:11:51,836 Speaker 2: it came to me and I was like, well, I 200 00:11:51,876 --> 00:11:54,516 Speaker 2: was the first medic unseene, and I just kind of 201 00:11:54,556 --> 00:11:56,516 Speaker 2: told the story of what I did, like I was 202 00:11:56,556 --> 00:12:01,396 Speaker 2: talking about a frantic mom and for severely burned kids, 203 00:12:01,516 --> 00:12:03,796 Speaker 2: like I was talking about a trip to the grocery store. 204 00:12:05,276 --> 00:12:07,796 Speaker 2: I wasn't trying to push down any feelings. In fact, 205 00:12:07,836 --> 00:12:09,836 Speaker 2: I was trying to cry because it felt like such 206 00:12:09,836 --> 00:12:13,036 Speaker 2: an asshole for not crying, like my god, my heartless, 207 00:12:13,076 --> 00:12:16,956 Speaker 2: and and I just kind of went on and it, 208 00:12:17,276 --> 00:12:21,036 Speaker 2: you know, didn't I didn't think it affected me at all. 209 00:12:21,596 --> 00:12:23,516 Speaker 2: And I think I just put it in a box 210 00:12:23,556 --> 00:12:25,476 Speaker 2: somewhere and closed the lid and was able to not 211 00:12:25,516 --> 00:12:29,156 Speaker 2: look at it again. It's like you take these bad 212 00:12:29,276 --> 00:12:31,236 Speaker 2: calls and you put them in a box and you 213 00:12:31,276 --> 00:12:33,756 Speaker 2: close the lid, and so you don't see it and 214 00:12:33,756 --> 00:12:36,516 Speaker 2: you don't hear it, and it's just pushed away somewhere. 215 00:12:37,236 --> 00:12:39,556 Speaker 2: And that's what I did my whole career. 216 00:12:40,716 --> 00:12:43,916 Speaker 1: Had you had you ever been given training about the 217 00:12:44,356 --> 00:12:46,716 Speaker 1: psychological and emotional size of the job. 218 00:12:47,076 --> 00:12:52,916 Speaker 2: Nothing, absolutely nothing, never taught anything at all. Yeah, no, clue. 219 00:12:53,116 --> 00:12:55,916 Speaker 2: The whole thing is about, you know, suck it up, buttercup. 220 00:12:55,996 --> 00:12:58,916 Speaker 2: And if you're not, if you get sad about anything, 221 00:12:58,996 --> 00:13:01,836 Speaker 2: or if you feel anything, then then you're just you 222 00:13:01,876 --> 00:13:05,196 Speaker 2: can't hang and so you just you just go on. 223 00:13:08,436 --> 00:13:14,476 Speaker 1: I'm wondering, were there other coping mechanisms you found yourself 224 00:13:14,516 --> 00:13:17,676 Speaker 1: employing just to survive in a role like this. 225 00:13:18,956 --> 00:13:20,636 Speaker 2: You know. So yeah, one thing that one thing we 226 00:13:20,796 --> 00:13:24,636 Speaker 2: do is it is rationalize kind of what happened. And 227 00:13:24,996 --> 00:13:27,116 Speaker 2: you know, even for that fire, it was like, well, 228 00:13:27,236 --> 00:13:29,076 Speaker 2: the mom was next door, she should have been with 229 00:13:29,116 --> 00:13:32,556 Speaker 2: her kids, and you know, and there's a drunk driver 230 00:13:32,796 --> 00:13:34,756 Speaker 2: that you know runs into a tree and it's like 231 00:13:34,796 --> 00:13:38,596 Speaker 2: she went drinking or they didn't wear their seatbelt, you know, 232 00:13:39,116 --> 00:13:41,956 Speaker 2: or you know, they shouldn't have been out this late 233 00:13:41,996 --> 00:13:43,596 Speaker 2: at night, Like who goes out at two in the 234 00:13:43,596 --> 00:13:45,916 Speaker 2: morning and doesn't expect to get you know, shot or 235 00:13:45,956 --> 00:13:48,836 Speaker 2: stabbed or robbed, and and so yeah, so we would 236 00:13:48,916 --> 00:13:49,676 Speaker 2: rationalize it. 237 00:13:50,356 --> 00:13:53,636 Speaker 1: And in rationalizing, I'm assuming that this was your effort 238 00:13:53,796 --> 00:13:59,916 Speaker 1: to just draw psychological and emotional distance between you and 239 00:13:59,996 --> 00:14:03,476 Speaker 1: the person that was wounded. Yeah, that that felt was 240 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:06,236 Speaker 1: that that gave you some sort of emotional protection, Is 241 00:14:06,236 --> 00:14:06,596 Speaker 1: that right? 242 00:14:07,236 --> 00:14:09,076 Speaker 2: Right? It kind of like they brought this on them 243 00:14:10,796 --> 00:14:13,316 Speaker 2: and they should have known better, and yeah, it sucks, 244 00:14:13,356 --> 00:14:15,636 Speaker 2: but they should have they should have done. 245 00:14:15,516 --> 00:14:18,956 Speaker 1: Something different, because if they're culpable, then there can be 246 00:14:18,996 --> 00:14:21,236 Speaker 1: limits on the amount of empathy that you feel. 247 00:14:21,556 --> 00:14:24,356 Speaker 2: Exactly. Yes, you hit the nail on the head. 248 00:14:24,596 --> 00:14:30,596 Speaker 1: Yeah, got it. Okay, it's really interesting. So your performance, 249 00:14:30,956 --> 00:14:36,516 Speaker 1: Christy starts getting noticed by leaders in the fire department, right, Yeah. 250 00:14:36,556 --> 00:14:39,876 Speaker 2: So yeah, I was a brand new firefighter and I 251 00:14:39,996 --> 00:14:43,116 Speaker 2: had a captain who said, we are waiting for somebody 252 00:14:43,276 --> 00:14:45,276 Speaker 2: and he says, hey, he goes, I'm hearing really good 253 00:14:45,316 --> 00:14:47,636 Speaker 2: things about you. I'm hearing you're really good medic, and 254 00:14:47,796 --> 00:14:49,796 Speaker 2: I hear you can definitely hold your own on the 255 00:14:49,836 --> 00:14:53,316 Speaker 2: fire ground. And I said, well, that's nice, you know, 256 00:14:53,556 --> 00:14:56,596 Speaker 2: I appreciate that, and you know, and he said, you know, 257 00:14:56,676 --> 00:14:59,916 Speaker 2: women don't typically make it to retirement. And he wasn't 258 00:14:59,916 --> 00:15:02,476 Speaker 2: being malicious in anyway, he was just saying, you know, 259 00:15:02,516 --> 00:15:05,196 Speaker 2: that's just kind of what happens, and you know, we're smaller, 260 00:15:05,996 --> 00:15:08,236 Speaker 2: and you know, when you're in the industry for a 261 00:15:08,236 --> 00:15:12,036 Speaker 2: long time, you know, everything gets strained and torn and pushed, 262 00:15:12,076 --> 00:15:16,076 Speaker 2: and so you know, women tend to retire early due 263 00:15:16,076 --> 00:15:19,356 Speaker 2: to an injury or sometimes her body just can't hold 264 00:15:19,436 --> 00:15:21,396 Speaker 2: up anymore, and so you know they'll go to a 265 00:15:21,436 --> 00:15:24,836 Speaker 2: desk job, like in fire prevention. And boy, he said that, 266 00:15:24,956 --> 00:15:27,836 Speaker 2: and I reacted like, there's no way in hell that 267 00:15:27,836 --> 00:15:30,876 Speaker 2: that's going to be me. I will make it to retirement. 268 00:15:31,156 --> 00:15:33,316 Speaker 2: I'm not going to be one of those token women. 269 00:15:34,396 --> 00:15:36,716 Speaker 2: If a man goes down in a fire, you know, 270 00:15:36,756 --> 00:15:39,036 Speaker 2: everybody else say, you know, what a hero he gave it, 271 00:15:39,116 --> 00:15:43,436 Speaker 2: as all this is so tragic. But if a woman 272 00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:46,356 Speaker 2: goes down in a fire, what is typically said is 273 00:15:46,956 --> 00:15:48,876 Speaker 2: she shouldn't have been there in the first place, Like 274 00:15:48,916 --> 00:15:51,996 Speaker 2: the reason why she went down is because she couldn't 275 00:15:51,996 --> 00:15:56,036 Speaker 2: handle it. And that's kind of the narrative for I 276 00:15:56,036 --> 00:16:01,236 Speaker 2: mean for a very long time. And and so yeah, 277 00:16:01,276 --> 00:16:04,916 Speaker 2: so you know, my goal was to work my ass 278 00:16:04,956 --> 00:16:07,636 Speaker 2: off and never be that woman who shouldn't have been there. 279 00:16:08,036 --> 00:16:13,116 Speaker 1: Yeah, you were carrying I guess on your shoulders. This 280 00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:16,556 Speaker 1: big achievement for women in your field, right, Like, if 281 00:16:16,596 --> 00:16:19,636 Speaker 1: I make it to retirement, then I represent what's possible 282 00:16:19,676 --> 00:16:20,356 Speaker 1: for women. 283 00:16:20,276 --> 00:16:23,596 Speaker 2: Exactly exactly, you know. And I also said too, I 284 00:16:23,636 --> 00:16:26,516 Speaker 2: will never be the weak link in the chain. I 285 00:16:26,556 --> 00:16:29,236 Speaker 2: will not be like the weak person on the engine. 286 00:16:29,236 --> 00:16:33,156 Speaker 2: I will always step up and do my job. And 287 00:16:33,196 --> 00:16:35,556 Speaker 2: if I am weak in some area, I will go 288 00:16:35,596 --> 00:16:38,596 Speaker 2: work on it and become stronger in that area. I 289 00:16:38,636 --> 00:16:42,316 Speaker 2: will drag myself to retirement if I have to. And 290 00:16:42,356 --> 00:16:44,876 Speaker 2: that was just and that does kind of become a 291 00:16:44,956 --> 00:16:48,556 Speaker 2: mantra for me, and it's just like, yeah, there's no question. 292 00:16:49,716 --> 00:16:52,436 Speaker 1: Where do you think that drive came from. 293 00:16:53,196 --> 00:16:55,436 Speaker 2: I have no doubt it came from my childhood. You know, 294 00:16:55,516 --> 00:16:59,836 Speaker 2: I played sports a lot, and that was kind of 295 00:16:59,836 --> 00:17:02,676 Speaker 2: like the only time that I would get any recognition 296 00:17:02,796 --> 00:17:04,876 Speaker 2: or anybody would notice me, is you know, when I 297 00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:09,316 Speaker 2: really stood out and did something great, and you know, 298 00:17:09,356 --> 00:17:11,156 Speaker 2: my mom would come to some of the games, and 299 00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:13,756 Speaker 2: when I did really well, it's like she'd run around 300 00:17:13,796 --> 00:17:16,396 Speaker 2: and tell everybody that I'm her mother and or she's 301 00:17:16,476 --> 00:17:20,196 Speaker 2: my daughter, and it was like, well, that's nice, Like, 302 00:17:20,476 --> 00:17:22,276 Speaker 2: you know, can you do that when we're at home? 303 00:17:22,596 --> 00:17:25,836 Speaker 2: And I don't know, So that was when I got 304 00:17:26,076 --> 00:17:27,996 Speaker 2: That's when I got noticed or paid attention to, is 305 00:17:28,036 --> 00:17:31,036 Speaker 2: when I was when I did something really great. 306 00:17:31,196 --> 00:17:33,396 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, Like, can I just get noticed when I'm 307 00:17:33,516 --> 00:17:36,876 Speaker 1: not doing something extraordinary exactly, when I'm just kind of 308 00:17:36,916 --> 00:17:37,236 Speaker 1: being me? 309 00:17:37,796 --> 00:17:39,236 Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, just being me? 310 00:17:40,036 --> 00:17:43,276 Speaker 1: Wow. Okay, So you have this conversation with him, you 311 00:17:43,316 --> 00:17:46,676 Speaker 1: have this resolve, and I'm going to fast forward now 312 00:17:46,996 --> 00:17:50,276 Speaker 1: roughly fifteen years you're called to the scene of a 313 00:17:50,316 --> 00:17:54,996 Speaker 1: fire and you're asked to identify if there are any 314 00:17:55,076 --> 00:17:57,116 Speaker 1: humans still in that building. 315 00:17:57,716 --> 00:18:00,356 Speaker 2: So yeah, So we were dispatched to a house fire 316 00:18:00,836 --> 00:18:04,076 Speaker 2: and we were got their second and the first engine 317 00:18:04,116 --> 00:18:07,156 Speaker 2: had already gone in and knocked down most of the fire. 318 00:18:07,956 --> 00:18:10,996 Speaker 2: Me and my crew were sent and the Battalian chief 319 00:18:11,036 --> 00:18:13,716 Speaker 2: told me, you know, everybody out here keeps saying that 320 00:18:13,756 --> 00:18:17,236 Speaker 2: there's somebody inside still. He goes, I don't think there is, 321 00:18:17,236 --> 00:18:19,236 Speaker 2: but will you and your crew please go in and 322 00:18:19,436 --> 00:18:21,956 Speaker 2: just make sure there's nobody in there still? And I'm 323 00:18:21,996 --> 00:18:26,436 Speaker 2: like absolutely. So, you know, we went up there and 324 00:18:26,796 --> 00:18:29,876 Speaker 2: the way the fire had burned was really strange, and 325 00:18:30,156 --> 00:18:33,636 Speaker 2: it kind of distracted me and it distracted my crew 326 00:18:33,636 --> 00:18:36,636 Speaker 2: a little bit, and we looked around. We kind of 327 00:18:36,996 --> 00:18:39,236 Speaker 2: poked our head in there, but didn't look really well. 328 00:18:39,316 --> 00:18:41,636 Speaker 2: And like I said, we were distracted by some other 329 00:18:41,676 --> 00:18:44,836 Speaker 2: stuff going on, and so I called down the radio 330 00:18:44,876 --> 00:18:47,196 Speaker 2: and I said, you know, it's all clear, there's nobody 331 00:18:47,276 --> 00:18:52,036 Speaker 2: in here. So my firefighter and I were at one 332 00:18:52,156 --> 00:18:56,956 Speaker 2: end of the hall and I just like kind of 333 00:18:57,076 --> 00:18:59,836 Speaker 2: was churning my head, and I looked down the hallway 334 00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:05,356 Speaker 2: and here comes two firefighters like awkwardly carrying a man 335 00:19:06,356 --> 00:19:12,076 Speaker 2: who's just you know, completely ashen, and and it's like 336 00:19:12,236 --> 00:19:16,516 Speaker 2: everything went in a slow motion for me, like I 337 00:19:16,676 --> 00:19:21,316 Speaker 2: just fucked up so bad, Like this guy has been 338 00:19:21,356 --> 00:19:26,916 Speaker 2: in here and I couldn't find him, and they carried 339 00:19:26,956 --> 00:19:28,956 Speaker 2: him down the stairs and put him in the ambulance 340 00:19:28,956 --> 00:19:31,356 Speaker 2: and the anilals took him away, and you know, he's dead. 341 00:19:31,436 --> 00:19:36,156 Speaker 2: He'd been dead for a while. And then I and 342 00:19:36,196 --> 00:19:38,156 Speaker 2: then I went on like the rest of the night, 343 00:19:38,316 --> 00:19:41,876 Speaker 2: like nothing had really happened, and you know, just finished 344 00:19:41,916 --> 00:19:43,516 Speaker 2: with other stuff that we had to do and other 345 00:19:43,556 --> 00:19:45,956 Speaker 2: work we had to do, and went back to our station, 346 00:19:46,196 --> 00:19:49,796 Speaker 2: took showers, and went on with it. So yeah, so 347 00:19:49,836 --> 00:19:52,556 Speaker 2: I came home the next day and I start talking 348 00:19:52,556 --> 00:19:55,956 Speaker 2: about this call, like incessantly and I didn't really realize 349 00:19:55,956 --> 00:19:58,676 Speaker 2: that I was doing that. But Lisa, my wife, said, 350 00:19:58,796 --> 00:20:01,316 Speaker 2: you know, you've been on way worse calls a thousand times, 351 00:20:01,356 --> 00:20:05,316 Speaker 2: but you never talked about him like this one. And 352 00:20:06,396 --> 00:20:09,636 Speaker 2: I think what I was doing was I was trying 353 00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:13,916 Speaker 2: to somehow, you know, rationalize what happened by like talking 354 00:20:13,956 --> 00:20:16,196 Speaker 2: about it over and over, maybe something would come through 355 00:20:16,236 --> 00:20:18,516 Speaker 2: where I would rationalize it. And I just couldn't do 356 00:20:18,596 --> 00:20:24,316 Speaker 2: that on this call. I was sure that on this call, 357 00:20:24,476 --> 00:20:26,836 Speaker 2: there was something that I could have done to make 358 00:20:26,876 --> 00:20:30,676 Speaker 2: it different and to make the outcome different. You know 359 00:20:31,036 --> 00:20:33,116 Speaker 2: that that guy would have lived if I had just 360 00:20:33,196 --> 00:20:34,796 Speaker 2: done this, or if I had just done that, or 361 00:20:34,796 --> 00:20:37,196 Speaker 2: if I just found him sooner, or if I just 362 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:40,356 Speaker 2: got on scene sooner. And you know, we kind of 363 00:20:40,396 --> 00:20:42,956 Speaker 2: we call that magical thinking, that there's something I could 364 00:20:42,956 --> 00:20:47,476 Speaker 2: do to change it. And when you look back and 365 00:20:47,556 --> 00:20:49,276 Speaker 2: you know, all the facts are said and done, it's 366 00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:52,236 Speaker 2: like there's nothing I could have done. He was passed away, 367 00:20:53,116 --> 00:20:54,916 Speaker 2: you know, before anybody got on scene. 368 00:20:55,756 --> 00:20:59,676 Speaker 1: I think magical thinking is such an understandable response. I mean, 369 00:20:59,716 --> 00:21:03,036 Speaker 1: in cognitive science, there is a concept called the illusion 370 00:21:03,036 --> 00:21:05,036 Speaker 1: of control, which is the idea. 371 00:21:04,716 --> 00:21:06,036 Speaker 2: That that's the same thing. 372 00:21:06,236 --> 00:21:09,356 Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, we think we have more control over outs 373 00:21:09,396 --> 00:21:12,476 Speaker 1: than we actually do. And in this context, Christy, that 374 00:21:12,516 --> 00:21:15,676 Speaker 1: makes so much sense to me, because in order for 375 00:21:15,796 --> 00:21:18,716 Speaker 1: you to keep working on the front lines in such 376 00:21:18,796 --> 00:21:22,316 Speaker 1: dangerous settings, it is important to feel that you are 377 00:21:22,316 --> 00:21:24,276 Speaker 1: in control and you are making a difference. And so 378 00:21:24,316 --> 00:21:26,276 Speaker 1: when good things happen, you want to take full ownership 379 00:21:26,276 --> 00:21:28,556 Speaker 1: of the good thing happening. But of course the flip 380 00:21:28,636 --> 00:21:31,876 Speaker 1: side to that is when things don't go well, even 381 00:21:31,996 --> 00:21:35,316 Speaker 1: when it's due to factors entirely out of your control, 382 00:21:35,396 --> 00:21:37,636 Speaker 1: as very well made in the case for this gentleman 383 00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:42,436 Speaker 1: that was in the building, still you're equally likely to 384 00:21:42,836 --> 00:21:46,476 Speaker 1: put responsibility on yourself, right in this case, to blame yourself. 385 00:21:47,076 --> 00:21:50,756 Speaker 2: Absolutely, And that's something that first responders, like all of 386 00:21:50,836 --> 00:21:53,716 Speaker 2: us do because that's who we are as we're rescuers, 387 00:21:53,756 --> 00:21:55,996 Speaker 2: and if we don't rescue somebody, then we did something 388 00:21:56,036 --> 00:21:59,556 Speaker 2: wrong and we're not a rescuer anymore, and then we're 389 00:21:59,756 --> 00:22:04,236 Speaker 2: basically a failure. And so I started noticing something was 390 00:22:04,316 --> 00:22:09,276 Speaker 2: going on with me. I was angry, as irritable. I 391 00:22:09,316 --> 00:22:13,196 Speaker 2: stopped sleeping, you know, when the tones would go off 392 00:22:13,236 --> 00:22:15,316 Speaker 2: for our call and it didn't matter what kind of call, 393 00:22:16,236 --> 00:22:21,676 Speaker 2: my anxiety would just it just the physiological response to 394 00:22:21,716 --> 00:22:24,916 Speaker 2: getting a call, even if it was for something totally minor, 395 00:22:25,956 --> 00:22:27,996 Speaker 2: was the same as if you know, they had said 396 00:22:28,076 --> 00:22:30,596 Speaker 2: there's some huge school shooting and you're going to be 397 00:22:30,596 --> 00:22:34,436 Speaker 2: first in, and it was the same exact response. And 398 00:22:34,476 --> 00:22:37,316 Speaker 2: then another big thing that would start happening to me 399 00:22:37,596 --> 00:22:42,236 Speaker 2: is it's like a videotape like would play on a 400 00:22:42,316 --> 00:22:45,916 Speaker 2: loop of calls that I've been on, like in the 401 00:22:45,996 --> 00:22:48,516 Speaker 2: last you know, twenty five years over my whole career, 402 00:22:48,556 --> 00:22:52,756 Speaker 2: and calls that I never even really thought of in 403 00:22:52,956 --> 00:22:56,156 Speaker 2: years and years and years, Like I had a call 404 00:22:56,316 --> 00:22:59,276 Speaker 2: involving a water delivery truck and it had ran over 405 00:22:59,316 --> 00:23:02,356 Speaker 2: a professor on the on the campus, and so we 406 00:23:02,356 --> 00:23:05,276 Speaker 2: were scrambling to get the truck lifted so we could 407 00:23:05,316 --> 00:23:07,196 Speaker 2: get the guy out, and by the time we got 408 00:23:07,276 --> 00:23:10,556 Speaker 2: him out, he was dead. So every time I'd see 409 00:23:10,596 --> 00:23:15,956 Speaker 2: this certain water delivery truck, like this videotape would start 410 00:23:15,956 --> 00:23:18,916 Speaker 2: playing in my head, and it would start off, you know, 411 00:23:18,996 --> 00:23:23,516 Speaker 2: with two with obviously that water truck call, and then 412 00:23:23,876 --> 00:23:25,836 Speaker 2: you know, I had a call where there's a husband 413 00:23:25,876 --> 00:23:28,036 Speaker 2: and a wife were rejected out of a car after 414 00:23:28,036 --> 00:23:29,636 Speaker 2: they hit a tree and I was the only medic 415 00:23:29,716 --> 00:23:32,236 Speaker 2: onun scene. And then it would go to the call 416 00:23:32,316 --> 00:23:34,916 Speaker 2: with all those kids in that fire, and then were 417 00:23:34,916 --> 00:23:36,756 Speaker 2: when I go to this other gruesome call, and it 418 00:23:37,116 --> 00:23:39,396 Speaker 2: and another call and another call, and it just played 419 00:23:39,396 --> 00:23:41,116 Speaker 2: in the sloop in my head and it got to 420 00:23:41,156 --> 00:23:45,676 Speaker 2: the point where I couldn't turn it off. And you know, like, 421 00:23:45,716 --> 00:23:47,716 Speaker 2: for example, I was I was playing tennis with my 422 00:23:47,756 --> 00:23:50,796 Speaker 2: wife one time and and she stops and walks to 423 00:23:50,836 --> 00:23:53,236 Speaker 2: the net and says, where are you? And I said, 424 00:23:53,236 --> 00:23:56,716 Speaker 2: I'm I'm in Berkeley, trying to extricate this kid out 425 00:23:56,756 --> 00:23:59,436 Speaker 2: of this car right now. And my mind would go 426 00:23:59,476 --> 00:24:02,236 Speaker 2: there and it would just stay there and I couldn't 427 00:24:02,516 --> 00:24:05,036 Speaker 2: I couldn't get out of my head. It was it 428 00:24:05,116 --> 00:24:08,276 Speaker 2: was like being locked in a movie theater with something 429 00:24:08,316 --> 00:24:11,076 Speaker 2: just horrible playing with the volume turned all the way 430 00:24:11,156 --> 00:24:12,796 Speaker 2: up and the brightness turned all the way up, and 431 00:24:12,836 --> 00:24:15,196 Speaker 2: you can't close your eyes and you can't get away 432 00:24:15,196 --> 00:24:18,636 Speaker 2: from it. And that would go on for I mean 433 00:24:18,676 --> 00:24:21,556 Speaker 2: all day, yeah, and you know, until I'd fall asleep, 434 00:24:21,596 --> 00:24:24,276 Speaker 2: and you know, then I'd have nightmares and I'd wake 435 00:24:24,316 --> 00:24:27,956 Speaker 2: up screaming and I'd flip myself out of bed. And 436 00:24:28,956 --> 00:24:32,356 Speaker 2: I had a nightmare in particular where somebody had thrown 437 00:24:32,396 --> 00:24:34,516 Speaker 2: a toddler into the pool, and so I jumped in 438 00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:36,596 Speaker 2: to save him, but I couldn't. I couldn't break the 439 00:24:36,596 --> 00:24:39,396 Speaker 2: plane of the water and my dream and what it 440 00:24:39,476 --> 00:24:41,356 Speaker 2: was was I was trying to dive into my bed 441 00:24:41,476 --> 00:24:43,996 Speaker 2: like my bed was the water. And you know, my 442 00:24:44,356 --> 00:24:47,116 Speaker 2: wife finally woke me up. And I mean, I just 443 00:24:47,156 --> 00:24:49,316 Speaker 2: had so many dreams like that of trying to save 444 00:24:49,356 --> 00:24:51,716 Speaker 2: somebody and I just couldn't get to him in time. 445 00:24:52,396 --> 00:24:55,636 Speaker 2: And so that's what my nights became. And you know, 446 00:24:55,996 --> 00:24:59,436 Speaker 2: the daytime was a video and anxiety and anger, and 447 00:25:00,236 --> 00:25:02,436 Speaker 2: my nights were those nightmares. 448 00:25:02,716 --> 00:25:04,036 Speaker 1: Yeah, it sounds like hell on earth. 449 00:25:04,876 --> 00:25:08,356 Speaker 2: Wow. And I just it was just like the most 450 00:25:08,396 --> 00:25:08,956 Speaker 2: painful thing. 451 00:25:12,796 --> 00:25:14,876 Speaker 1: We'll be back in a moment with a slight change 452 00:25:14,916 --> 00:25:37,716 Speaker 1: of plans. Christy Warren had placed all of her painful 453 00:25:37,716 --> 00:25:41,076 Speaker 1: feelings and memories into a box for more than two decades. 454 00:25:41,916 --> 00:25:44,836 Speaker 1: The box was now open, and despite her best efforts, 455 00:25:44,956 --> 00:25:48,756 Speaker 1: she just could not close it. During the day, Christie's 456 00:25:48,796 --> 00:25:51,836 Speaker 1: mind played an endless loop of graphic images she had 457 00:25:51,876 --> 00:25:55,596 Speaker 1: seen in her work, and at night, violent dreams kept 458 00:25:55,596 --> 00:25:59,116 Speaker 1: her awake and rattled. She finally felt it was time 459 00:25:59,156 --> 00:26:00,036 Speaker 1: to see a therapist. 460 00:26:01,356 --> 00:26:03,276 Speaker 2: I really walked in there with the attitude of like, okay, 461 00:26:03,356 --> 00:26:05,476 Speaker 2: fix me, like let's do this, let's talk about this, 462 00:26:05,556 --> 00:26:06,916 Speaker 2: and then I'm going to get back to work and 463 00:26:06,996 --> 00:26:08,756 Speaker 2: I'm not going to feel any of this stuff anymore. 464 00:26:09,436 --> 00:26:11,396 Speaker 2: And so, you know, I told her what was going on, 465 00:26:11,476 --> 00:26:14,676 Speaker 2: and she says, you have PTSD and I said, oh, no, 466 00:26:14,876 --> 00:26:20,556 Speaker 2: I don't. That's impossible. I'm and I'm not patting myself 467 00:26:20,556 --> 00:26:22,036 Speaker 2: on the back, but I am one of the toughest 468 00:26:22,076 --> 00:26:27,116 Speaker 2: people out there and this, this is not possible. I 469 00:26:27,156 --> 00:26:29,956 Speaker 2: can't have PTSD. And she's like, well, I really think 470 00:26:29,996 --> 00:26:34,716 Speaker 2: you do. And I just kept saying like, no, let's 471 00:26:34,716 --> 00:26:38,316 Speaker 2: fix me, like give me some breathing exercises or give me, 472 00:26:38,636 --> 00:26:41,956 Speaker 2: you know, something to make this stuff stop. And but 473 00:26:42,036 --> 00:26:45,916 Speaker 2: that's it. I can't. I can't go there. I can't. 474 00:26:46,356 --> 00:26:47,796 Speaker 2: I have to work. You know, if you ask me 475 00:26:47,836 --> 00:26:49,876 Speaker 2: what's the very worst thing that could ever happen to me, 476 00:26:50,596 --> 00:26:52,996 Speaker 2: it would be getting PTSD and not being able to 477 00:26:52,996 --> 00:26:56,876 Speaker 2: do my job because of you know, some emotional weakness. 478 00:27:00,876 --> 00:27:03,196 Speaker 1: Say more about that that it would be the worst 479 00:27:04,116 --> 00:27:06,556 Speaker 1: imaginable thing to happen to you. 480 00:27:06,556 --> 00:27:08,356 Speaker 2: You know, when I was going through this and I 481 00:27:08,476 --> 00:27:11,316 Speaker 2: was off work, I was watching some video about the 482 00:27:11,356 --> 00:27:14,236 Speaker 2: Boston marathon bombing and there was a guy in there 483 00:27:14,476 --> 00:27:18,396 Speaker 2: lost his legs, and I was like, I'd give anything 484 00:27:18,436 --> 00:27:21,756 Speaker 2: to lose my legs instead of having this, because it's 485 00:27:21,836 --> 00:27:25,036 Speaker 2: it's like more honorable to lose your legs, and it's 486 00:27:25,076 --> 00:27:30,076 Speaker 2: so dishonorable, and it's just so shameful to cry at 487 00:27:30,116 --> 00:27:33,836 Speaker 2: work and have anxiety and like not be able to 488 00:27:33,836 --> 00:27:35,716 Speaker 2: handle your job. You know, if you lose your legs, 489 00:27:35,716 --> 00:27:37,756 Speaker 2: you lose your legs, there's nothing you can do about it, 490 00:27:37,596 --> 00:27:41,676 Speaker 2: but to emotionally not be able to handle your job, 491 00:27:41,876 --> 00:27:45,956 Speaker 2: it's just totally unacceptable. So yeah, so I continue to 492 00:27:45,956 --> 00:27:47,276 Speaker 2: work and she kept saying, you need it, take some 493 00:27:47,356 --> 00:27:49,316 Speaker 2: time off, and I kept saying, you know, no, I 494 00:27:49,316 --> 00:27:52,516 Speaker 2: can handle this, and I, you know, figure out a way. 495 00:27:53,276 --> 00:27:54,796 Speaker 2: So I got off work one morning, and I've been 496 00:27:54,836 --> 00:27:57,516 Speaker 2: at work for probably almost four days in a row. 497 00:27:58,396 --> 00:28:00,076 Speaker 2: Every time I got off work, I'd start crying on 498 00:28:00,156 --> 00:28:02,556 Speaker 2: the way home. So this day I said, I'm not 499 00:28:02,596 --> 00:28:04,276 Speaker 2: going to cry, like I'm gonna make it home and 500 00:28:04,316 --> 00:28:07,476 Speaker 2: I'm not going to cry, and so I fought it 501 00:28:07,516 --> 00:28:08,996 Speaker 2: and fought it, fought it, and I made it all 502 00:28:09,316 --> 00:28:12,956 Speaker 2: home without crying, and I sent my wife a text 503 00:28:12,956 --> 00:28:15,636 Speaker 2: and I said, I got this, Like I didn't cry 504 00:28:15,636 --> 00:28:18,676 Speaker 2: on the way home. I got this. And then I 505 00:28:18,716 --> 00:28:20,676 Speaker 2: was going to go meet somebody to play tennis. And 506 00:28:20,796 --> 00:28:22,996 Speaker 2: I got in my car to drive to the tennis courts, 507 00:28:23,116 --> 00:28:28,076 Speaker 2: and the whole world came just tumbling down on me. 508 00:28:28,396 --> 00:28:34,236 Speaker 2: It it I was, It's just everything just blew open 509 00:28:34,276 --> 00:28:36,076 Speaker 2: and blew apart, and I was like, I can't do 510 00:28:36,116 --> 00:28:38,436 Speaker 2: this anymore. I can't. I can't go back to work. 511 00:28:38,476 --> 00:28:43,036 Speaker 2: I just can't. And my only option is to either 512 00:28:43,156 --> 00:28:47,276 Speaker 2: kill myself or really to hurt myself so bad that like, 513 00:28:47,316 --> 00:28:49,956 Speaker 2: even if I'm in a coma for a month, I 514 00:28:49,996 --> 00:28:51,716 Speaker 2: don't have to go back to work for a month, 515 00:28:51,796 --> 00:28:55,516 Speaker 2: and I don't have to tell anybody why. You know, 516 00:28:55,596 --> 00:28:58,876 Speaker 2: people will care about me and worry about me, and 517 00:28:58,916 --> 00:29:01,076 Speaker 2: no one will call me a pussy and nobody will 518 00:29:01,116 --> 00:29:04,396 Speaker 2: know what happened to me that I can't handle my job, 519 00:29:04,636 --> 00:29:11,596 Speaker 2: and that's like that that just sounds amazing. And I 520 00:29:11,596 --> 00:29:14,596 Speaker 2: I started looking for, you know, pull to drive into 521 00:29:15,476 --> 00:29:17,796 Speaker 2: and then I'm like, yeah, polls fall over too easily 522 00:29:17,836 --> 00:29:20,796 Speaker 2: and need to find a nice, dirty tree. And then 523 00:29:20,836 --> 00:29:23,076 Speaker 2: I started thinking about the first responders that would go 524 00:29:23,116 --> 00:29:25,236 Speaker 2: out on me, and I'd just be adding another thing 525 00:29:25,276 --> 00:29:28,756 Speaker 2: to their box and put them through, you know, more stuff. 526 00:29:28,796 --> 00:29:31,316 Speaker 2: And so I was like, just make it to the 527 00:29:31,316 --> 00:29:34,756 Speaker 2: tennis courts, like, just get yourself there. And I somehow 528 00:29:34,836 --> 00:29:37,636 Speaker 2: managed to get myself there, and I sent my wife 529 00:29:37,676 --> 00:29:41,596 Speaker 2: a text and I said, no matter what I say 530 00:29:41,996 --> 00:29:44,196 Speaker 2: or how much better I feel after my four days off, 531 00:29:44,516 --> 00:29:47,236 Speaker 2: I said, you cannot let me go back to work 532 00:29:47,556 --> 00:29:50,796 Speaker 2: like I can't. And so that it was then that 533 00:29:50,876 --> 00:29:55,236 Speaker 2: I realized I gotta do something about this, like for real, 534 00:29:55,556 --> 00:29:58,556 Speaker 2: I need help and I can't just keep pushing this away. 535 00:29:59,476 --> 00:30:02,356 Speaker 2: And so the next day, you know, I called work 536 00:30:02,396 --> 00:30:05,516 Speaker 2: and said, I I gotta I can't come into work, 537 00:30:05,996 --> 00:30:10,476 Speaker 2: And you know, they asked me why had I paused 538 00:30:10,516 --> 00:30:12,356 Speaker 2: for a long time? Because it's like, all right, what's 539 00:30:12,396 --> 00:30:15,316 Speaker 2: everybody gonna start talking about me? And it's supposed to 540 00:30:15,316 --> 00:30:17,996 Speaker 2: be confidential, but you know who knows? And so I 541 00:30:18,436 --> 00:30:21,556 Speaker 2: told the battalion chief and I go, this is the 542 00:30:21,596 --> 00:30:25,516 Speaker 2: hardest thing that I've ever done in my life, is 543 00:30:25,556 --> 00:30:27,836 Speaker 2: to say I can't come into work, and you know, 544 00:30:27,876 --> 00:30:30,556 Speaker 2: turning this paperwork in it was it was the hardest 545 00:30:30,596 --> 00:30:31,436 Speaker 2: thing I'd ever done. 546 00:30:34,756 --> 00:30:37,236 Speaker 1: And at this moment, do you plan to still come back? 547 00:30:37,756 --> 00:30:39,236 Speaker 1: I mean, was that the spirit with which you were 548 00:30:39,236 --> 00:30:40,076 Speaker 1: having this conversation? 549 00:30:40,596 --> 00:30:43,116 Speaker 2: Yeah? Absolutely. I actually went and talked to the fire 550 00:30:43,236 --> 00:30:46,756 Speaker 2: chief and you know, I'm crying in his office and 551 00:30:46,796 --> 00:30:49,516 Speaker 2: I said, I'm gonna I'm gonna get better. I'm going 552 00:30:49,596 --> 00:30:51,356 Speaker 2: to fix this and I'm coming back to work like 553 00:30:51,396 --> 00:30:54,116 Speaker 2: there's no doubt about it. You know, save my seat. 554 00:30:54,156 --> 00:30:56,476 Speaker 2: I'm coming back. Yeah, I absolutely will come back. This 555 00:30:56,556 --> 00:30:58,516 Speaker 2: will not this will not win. 556 00:30:59,556 --> 00:31:01,836 Speaker 1: Yeah, because I'm assuming in the back of your mind 557 00:31:01,876 --> 00:31:04,716 Speaker 1: you're thinking going to make it to that damn retirement. 558 00:31:04,796 --> 00:31:10,236 Speaker 1: I made a commitment to myself, right yep. Yeah. Can 559 00:31:10,276 --> 00:31:12,636 Speaker 1: I just pause and say, like, I'm so filled with 560 00:31:12,676 --> 00:31:15,636 Speaker 1: gratitude that you were with us on this planet today, 561 00:31:17,036 --> 00:31:19,436 Speaker 1: and I'm so glad that you thought of those first responders. 562 00:31:19,556 --> 00:31:21,876 Speaker 2: You're the sweetest. Thank you very much. That means a lot. 563 00:31:21,996 --> 00:31:23,316 Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that you're here. 564 00:31:24,436 --> 00:31:26,316 Speaker 2: I am too, actually very grateful. 565 00:31:26,556 --> 00:31:30,156 Speaker 1: Yeah. I know that after you decide to take time 566 00:31:30,196 --> 00:31:33,516 Speaker 1: off of work, you get wind of a retreat that's 567 00:31:33,636 --> 00:31:38,116 Speaker 1: exclusively dedicated to helping support first responders who are suffering 568 00:31:38,116 --> 00:31:42,076 Speaker 1: from PTSD and it's called the West Coast Post Trauma Retreat. 569 00:31:42,996 --> 00:31:45,676 Speaker 2: So yeah, so I had like three or four people 570 00:31:45,836 --> 00:31:48,076 Speaker 2: tell me, like, you know, like my therapist and the 571 00:31:48,116 --> 00:31:50,316 Speaker 2: workers comp lawyer and a couple other people are like, 572 00:31:50,356 --> 00:31:52,196 Speaker 2: you need to go to this retreat. And I'm like, 573 00:31:52,196 --> 00:31:54,476 Speaker 2: I don't need to go to some six day residential retreat. 574 00:31:54,476 --> 00:31:58,276 Speaker 2: I'm not like one of them. And so finally things 575 00:31:58,276 --> 00:32:00,196 Speaker 2: got really bad where I was like, Okay, you know, 576 00:32:00,196 --> 00:32:04,036 Speaker 2: I'll go. So I ended up going in January and 577 00:32:05,276 --> 00:32:07,596 Speaker 2: they put us all at the same table, and you know, 578 00:32:07,676 --> 00:32:08,996 Speaker 2: so I'm just sitting at a table with other FI 579 00:32:09,316 --> 00:32:15,836 Speaker 2: fighters and police officers and dispatchers and and I look 580 00:32:15,876 --> 00:32:17,916 Speaker 2: around the room and there's like probably a total of 581 00:32:17,956 --> 00:32:21,596 Speaker 2: twenty four people in there, and I'm like, all these 582 00:32:21,636 --> 00:32:26,636 Speaker 2: people here have gone through what I'm going through. You know. 583 00:32:26,396 --> 00:32:28,916 Speaker 2: We go through this thing where we talk about our symptoms, 584 00:32:28,916 --> 00:32:30,556 Speaker 2: and it's like we all have the same symptoms. And 585 00:32:30,596 --> 00:32:34,516 Speaker 2: it was the first time that I realized and it 586 00:32:34,596 --> 00:32:36,796 Speaker 2: was like the greatest gift in the whole world that 587 00:32:37,396 --> 00:32:41,916 Speaker 2: I'm not alone it's like, I'm not the only one. 588 00:32:42,156 --> 00:32:46,396 Speaker 2: And you know, there were some badass dudes in that room, 589 00:32:46,556 --> 00:32:51,556 Speaker 2: like these big, tatted out, tough ass dudes in that room, 590 00:32:51,836 --> 00:32:54,756 Speaker 2: and it was like like, if it can happen to them, 591 00:32:55,116 --> 00:32:59,156 Speaker 2: it's like, it's okay that this happened to me. And 592 00:32:59,316 --> 00:33:03,356 Speaker 2: realizing that I wasn't alone and that I'm not I 593 00:33:03,596 --> 00:33:05,476 Speaker 2: always thought like, we have one hundred and twenty five 594 00:33:05,556 --> 00:33:07,796 Speaker 2: uniform people in my department. Why am I the only 595 00:33:07,836 --> 00:33:13,796 Speaker 2: one that can't handle their shit? And so we get 596 00:33:13,796 --> 00:33:16,556 Speaker 2: there in the afternoon, and then on the first morning 597 00:33:16,596 --> 00:33:19,116 Speaker 2: that we're there, every morning we do to check in. 598 00:33:19,156 --> 00:33:21,436 Speaker 2: Everybody goes around the room, and you know, does a 599 00:33:21,596 --> 00:33:27,796 Speaker 2: check in, and I start crying, like I haven't said anything, 600 00:33:27,916 --> 00:33:31,996 Speaker 2: nobody has. It's nothing like anything profound that somebody said. 601 00:33:32,076 --> 00:33:35,556 Speaker 2: I just start crying and I can't stop crying, and 602 00:33:35,596 --> 00:33:38,956 Speaker 2: people are talking and I just keep crying. And there's 603 00:33:38,996 --> 00:33:42,556 Speaker 2: two therapists. There are two clinicians, and one of them Mark, 604 00:33:42,836 --> 00:33:46,236 Speaker 2: he's one of the founders of this retreat. He says, hey, 605 00:33:46,276 --> 00:33:50,556 Speaker 2: let's stop for a minute. And he and he says, 606 00:33:50,916 --> 00:33:53,316 Speaker 2: he says, Christy, He goes what's going on with you, 607 00:33:55,236 --> 00:33:57,596 Speaker 2: and I shit you not. I turned behind me and 608 00:33:57,636 --> 00:33:59,356 Speaker 2: I look behind me, like who are you talking to? 609 00:33:59,556 --> 00:34:02,556 Speaker 2: Like you're not talking to me? Like like you stop 610 00:34:02,636 --> 00:34:07,236 Speaker 2: this whole room and everything to check on me and 611 00:34:07,316 --> 00:34:13,276 Speaker 2: ask how I am. And it's like it's like nobody's 612 00:34:13,316 --> 00:34:20,356 Speaker 2: done that before. And it was like I was. It's 613 00:34:20,396 --> 00:34:23,356 Speaker 2: like I was seen for the first time. You know, 614 00:34:23,396 --> 00:34:25,756 Speaker 2: I'm not putting on my best foot. In fact, it 615 00:34:25,796 --> 00:34:27,556 Speaker 2: felt like it was my worst foot forward. I was. 616 00:34:27,716 --> 00:34:32,636 Speaker 2: I was crying and and not keeping my shit together, 617 00:34:32,916 --> 00:34:37,076 Speaker 2: and and I was seen being, like I said, just 618 00:34:37,116 --> 00:34:42,516 Speaker 2: being in my worst or not at my best. And 619 00:34:42,516 --> 00:34:47,596 Speaker 2: and that that really that kind of that was that 620 00:34:47,756 --> 00:34:50,796 Speaker 2: like started my journey. That's that started my healing, I 621 00:34:50,836 --> 00:34:55,276 Speaker 2: should say, Yeah, it was pretty profound. Wow. 622 00:34:57,356 --> 00:35:00,156 Speaker 1: Yeah. What I'm hearing in this moment is your discovery 623 00:35:00,236 --> 00:35:04,756 Speaker 1: that you, Christy, can still be noticed and still be 624 00:35:04,836 --> 00:35:08,716 Speaker 1: visible to others, and still be cared for even when 625 00:35:08,716 --> 00:35:11,556 Speaker 1: you're not in this hero role, right, even when you're 626 00:35:11,596 --> 00:35:14,836 Speaker 1: not performing in your first responder role, and even more 627 00:35:14,876 --> 00:35:16,356 Speaker 1: than that, at one of the lowest moments of your 628 00:35:16,396 --> 00:35:19,836 Speaker 1: life exactly, people still care about you. You're still valuable. 629 00:35:20,396 --> 00:35:23,436 Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm worthy just the way I was, just the 630 00:35:23,476 --> 00:35:24,396 Speaker 2: way I am. 631 00:35:24,756 --> 00:35:40,396 Speaker 1: Yeah, can you share a bit more, Christie about how 632 00:35:41,396 --> 00:35:45,836 Speaker 1: your relationship with your PTSD changed through this experience. You know, 633 00:35:46,516 --> 00:35:48,236 Speaker 1: no longer coding it as a failure. 634 00:35:49,236 --> 00:35:50,916 Speaker 2: You know, it's funny to use that word failure because 635 00:35:50,916 --> 00:35:53,316 Speaker 2: that's a word that I used all the time. Is 636 00:35:53,356 --> 00:35:57,196 Speaker 2: I would constantly say I'm a failure, Like I failed 637 00:35:57,196 --> 00:35:59,516 Speaker 2: at this, I failed at everything. I sware to myself 638 00:35:59,516 --> 00:36:01,476 Speaker 2: that I would never depend on anybody, that I would 639 00:36:01,516 --> 00:36:05,516 Speaker 2: be a super tough, strong firefighter that could withstand anything, 640 00:36:05,636 --> 00:36:08,036 Speaker 2: and we'll make it to retirement. And I was just 641 00:36:08,276 --> 00:36:12,316 Speaker 2: an utter failure. And then at this retreat, I learned 642 00:36:12,356 --> 00:36:16,516 Speaker 2: that I didn't fail. It was it was like almost 643 00:36:16,556 --> 00:36:19,436 Speaker 2: what my my greatest strength was also my greatest weakness. 644 00:36:19,476 --> 00:36:24,756 Speaker 2: My ability to do so well under pressure and perform 645 00:36:25,276 --> 00:36:28,756 Speaker 2: under these incredible circumstances and shove this stuff away was 646 00:36:28,796 --> 00:36:34,476 Speaker 2: also what made me get PTSD. And that it was 647 00:36:34,596 --> 00:36:38,636 Speaker 2: a physical injury, Like I was so blown away when 648 00:36:38,676 --> 00:36:42,516 Speaker 2: I heard that that it's actually You're amygdala basically gets 649 00:36:42,996 --> 00:36:45,596 Speaker 2: turned on high alert and there is no switch to 650 00:36:45,636 --> 00:36:47,516 Speaker 2: turn it off, and you can't turn it off, and 651 00:36:47,556 --> 00:36:51,676 Speaker 2: your brain, your brain changes shape, you can. You know, 652 00:36:51,716 --> 00:36:55,036 Speaker 2: you go into a brain scan and and somebody who 653 00:36:55,036 --> 00:36:57,596 Speaker 2: has PTSD and somebody who doesn't, the brains will look 654 00:36:57,636 --> 00:37:00,836 Speaker 2: totally different and there's nothing you can do about. It 655 00:37:00,836 --> 00:37:03,556 Speaker 2: has nothing to do with you and your strength. It's 656 00:37:03,596 --> 00:37:06,396 Speaker 2: like no different than getting cancer or breaking a leg 657 00:37:06,596 --> 00:37:11,476 Speaker 2: or it's just it's you know, physiological injury. And when 658 00:37:11,476 --> 00:37:15,956 Speaker 2: I learned that, it just I was just dumbfounded. It 659 00:37:16,036 --> 00:37:18,716 Speaker 2: was like, Wow, this isn't me, Like I didn't fail. 660 00:37:20,116 --> 00:37:25,996 Speaker 1: Yeah. I know there's a stigma around addressing any mental 661 00:37:25,996 --> 00:37:29,756 Speaker 1: health related issues and something like the fire service, but 662 00:37:30,356 --> 00:37:34,476 Speaker 1: there's an additional stigma placed on taking medication. And I 663 00:37:34,516 --> 00:37:36,876 Speaker 1: know for you that was actually the final step for 664 00:37:36,956 --> 00:37:40,236 Speaker 1: you to really heal, was to be willing to take 665 00:37:41,116 --> 00:37:44,036 Speaker 1: that leap and actually say no, I need medication to 666 00:37:44,236 --> 00:37:46,756 Speaker 1: help this injury in my brain to help it heal. 667 00:37:47,876 --> 00:37:50,716 Speaker 2: Yeah. You know, I was doing better after the retreat 668 00:37:50,756 --> 00:37:52,596 Speaker 2: and I was feeling better, and I still have some 669 00:37:52,676 --> 00:37:57,436 Speaker 2: spiraling times and I had one spiral that couldn't shake 670 00:37:57,516 --> 00:38:00,116 Speaker 2: no matter what I did. And then when I learned 671 00:38:00,156 --> 00:38:04,396 Speaker 2: it was a physical injury, and I felt like I 672 00:38:04,436 --> 00:38:07,436 Speaker 2: could do all that I could do myself in terms 673 00:38:07,436 --> 00:38:09,716 Speaker 2: of healing myself, and you know, I could myself. I 674 00:38:09,716 --> 00:38:12,196 Speaker 2: was a good person and I was worthy and all 675 00:38:12,196 --> 00:38:14,516 Speaker 2: this kind of stuff. I was like, I might as 676 00:38:14,516 --> 00:38:19,916 Speaker 2: well try medication. And I tried medication and it worked, 677 00:38:21,876 --> 00:38:23,876 Speaker 2: and I was like, why didn't I do this a 678 00:38:23,916 --> 00:38:26,676 Speaker 2: long time ago? It puts the floor under you. I 679 00:38:26,716 --> 00:38:29,076 Speaker 2: didn't spiral anymore, you know, I had my moments, but 680 00:38:29,156 --> 00:38:32,556 Speaker 2: I'd hit a landing instead of just continuing to fall. 681 00:38:33,396 --> 00:38:36,516 Speaker 2: And yeah, the medications made just all the difference in 682 00:38:36,556 --> 00:38:41,276 Speaker 2: the world. And they turned off they turned off that videotape, 683 00:38:41,436 --> 00:38:46,116 Speaker 2: and they slowed the nightmares down. I could sleep, and 684 00:38:46,476 --> 00:38:49,276 Speaker 2: everything started changing. My brain started healing. 685 00:38:50,396 --> 00:38:54,076 Speaker 1: So you ultimately decide, Christy that you will not actually 686 00:38:54,116 --> 00:38:55,676 Speaker 1: return to the fire department. 687 00:38:56,636 --> 00:39:00,716 Speaker 2: Yeah, see, I really wanted to go back to work, 688 00:39:00,956 --> 00:39:04,716 Speaker 2: and I kept saying like, I might go back to work, 689 00:39:04,796 --> 00:39:07,396 Speaker 2: like even up until the very end. In the back 690 00:39:07,396 --> 00:39:08,676 Speaker 2: of my head, I knew I wasn't going to go 691 00:39:08,716 --> 00:39:11,196 Speaker 2: back to work, but I didn't want to like face it, 692 00:39:11,756 --> 00:39:14,516 Speaker 2: you know, I didn't want to close the lid or 693 00:39:14,556 --> 00:39:17,676 Speaker 2: close the book quite yet. And I made some comment 694 00:39:17,716 --> 00:39:20,276 Speaker 2: about going back to work, and my wife looked at 695 00:39:20,276 --> 00:39:23,036 Speaker 2: me dead pan and says, you can go back to work, 696 00:39:23,076 --> 00:39:25,756 Speaker 2: but I'm not going to stick around for it. And 697 00:39:25,796 --> 00:39:27,956 Speaker 2: We've been together for twenty eight years and been through 698 00:39:27,996 --> 00:39:30,436 Speaker 2: thick and thin, and for her to say that, it 699 00:39:30,636 --> 00:39:34,276 Speaker 2: really hit home that like, Yeah, why would I Why 700 00:39:34,276 --> 00:39:35,956 Speaker 2: would I do that to myself? And why would I 701 00:39:35,956 --> 00:39:38,276 Speaker 2: do this to her? Because what she's gone through is 702 00:39:38,396 --> 00:39:42,516 Speaker 2: just been hell. Also, yeah, the families go through so much. 703 00:39:43,516 --> 00:39:46,316 Speaker 2: And one of the stations I worked at on my shift, 704 00:39:46,476 --> 00:39:48,236 Speaker 2: they kept bugging me to come in for dinner and 705 00:39:48,276 --> 00:39:50,716 Speaker 2: I'd say, yeah, I'll come in, and I always find 706 00:39:50,756 --> 00:39:52,996 Speaker 2: a reason not to, just because of the anxiety. And 707 00:39:53,076 --> 00:39:55,996 Speaker 2: I was so afraid. And then finally when I was 708 00:39:56,236 --> 00:39:58,836 Speaker 2: I felt like I was up to it. I went 709 00:39:58,876 --> 00:40:05,836 Speaker 2: back and had dinner and I was I was so 710 00:40:05,956 --> 00:40:11,956 Speaker 2: blown away. Well how they treated me and and yeah, nobody, 711 00:40:12,236 --> 00:40:15,156 Speaker 2: nobody looked down on me, and nobody thought I was weak. 712 00:40:15,676 --> 00:40:18,076 Speaker 2: I even pulled one of the guys aside and I said, hey, 713 00:40:18,076 --> 00:40:20,396 Speaker 2: I go, so, what's everybody saying about me? And he goes, 714 00:40:20,996 --> 00:40:24,356 Speaker 2: nobody's talking about you. He says, we're all talking about that. 715 00:40:24,396 --> 00:40:26,236 Speaker 2: If this can happen to you, this can happen to 716 00:40:26,276 --> 00:40:28,996 Speaker 2: any of us, and we need to get our shit 717 00:40:29,076 --> 00:40:31,396 Speaker 2: together as a department and do something about this so 718 00:40:31,476 --> 00:40:36,716 Speaker 2: this doesn't happen to anybody else. And I was just 719 00:40:36,756 --> 00:40:40,116 Speaker 2: so blown away that just how much they cared for me. 720 00:40:40,196 --> 00:40:41,956 Speaker 2: And here I thought the whole time that they would 721 00:40:42,276 --> 00:40:45,076 Speaker 2: look down on me and say horrible things about me, 722 00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:48,596 Speaker 2: and and I just was treated with so much love 723 00:40:48,596 --> 00:40:51,676 Speaker 2: and kindness and like respect, you know, like there were 724 00:40:51,756 --> 00:40:54,156 Speaker 2: some brand new guys there and they call me captain, 725 00:40:54,316 --> 00:40:58,836 Speaker 2: and yeah, it was, it was. It was pretty amazing. 726 00:40:59,196 --> 00:41:02,236 Speaker 2: It was really amazing. It's like I'd come full circle. 727 00:41:03,316 --> 00:41:06,636 Speaker 2: And I laughed there and I did drive through one 728 00:41:06,676 --> 00:41:08,636 Speaker 2: of the districts that I worked in that was really 729 00:41:08,636 --> 00:41:11,036 Speaker 2: busy and part of it drove me crazy, and I 730 00:41:11,156 --> 00:41:14,596 Speaker 2: drove through there, going, you know what, I don't have 731 00:41:14,676 --> 00:41:16,316 Speaker 2: to do this anymore, Like I don't have to get 732 00:41:16,356 --> 00:41:17,716 Speaker 2: up in the middle of the night anymore, and I 733 00:41:17,796 --> 00:41:21,316 Speaker 2: don't have to come home exhausted. And you know, my 734 00:41:21,316 --> 00:41:23,596 Speaker 2: wife would always say, you know, I'd say, what are 735 00:41:23,596 --> 00:41:25,076 Speaker 2: we gonna do tomorrow when I come home, and she 736 00:41:25,116 --> 00:41:27,396 Speaker 2: would always say, you know, I don't know, it depends 737 00:41:27,436 --> 00:41:30,196 Speaker 2: on what comes through the front door. And you know, 738 00:41:30,196 --> 00:41:32,956 Speaker 2: I always thought, she meant, you know how tired I 739 00:41:32,996 --> 00:41:37,156 Speaker 2: was or how little sleep I got, And it wasn't that, 740 00:41:37,356 --> 00:41:40,036 Speaker 2: it was what kind of Christie's going to come through 741 00:41:40,036 --> 00:41:43,116 Speaker 2: the front door, and you know, the one that got 742 00:41:43,116 --> 00:41:44,876 Speaker 2: a good night's sleep and isn't a good mood, or 743 00:41:44,916 --> 00:41:47,276 Speaker 2: the one that just had to tell a wife that 744 00:41:47,276 --> 00:41:49,396 Speaker 2: her husband's dead and there's nothing we can do, or 745 00:41:49,436 --> 00:41:53,316 Speaker 2: the one that just was covered in blood from some 746 00:41:53,396 --> 00:41:57,916 Speaker 2: horrible call and is distant and isolating, and so yeah, 747 00:41:57,916 --> 00:41:59,396 Speaker 2: I was like, I don't have to do that anymore. 748 00:42:00,236 --> 00:42:02,196 Speaker 2: I mean, I did it for twenty five years, and 749 00:42:02,276 --> 00:42:04,316 Speaker 2: I started when I was nineteen. I was like just 750 00:42:04,396 --> 00:42:07,636 Speaker 2: a kid. And to realize that I didn't have to 751 00:42:07,636 --> 00:42:12,316 Speaker 2: do it anymore to still be worthy and valuable and 752 00:42:14,796 --> 00:42:17,036 Speaker 2: count in this world, it was just like the most 753 00:42:17,076 --> 00:42:20,836 Speaker 2: incredible feeling ever that I can just be me now 754 00:42:20,876 --> 00:42:23,116 Speaker 2: and I don't have to I don't have to worry 755 00:42:23,116 --> 00:42:23,996 Speaker 2: that cape anymore. 756 00:42:30,036 --> 00:42:33,556 Speaker 1: Christy made it to retirement, after all. She was granted 757 00:42:33,596 --> 00:42:36,916 Speaker 1: a medical retirement by the Berkeley Fire Department in twenty 758 00:42:36,956 --> 00:42:40,316 Speaker 1: sixteen at the age of forty six. This type of 759 00:42:40,356 --> 00:42:43,956 Speaker 1: retirement is given to service members who sustain physical injuries 760 00:42:43,996 --> 00:42:47,516 Speaker 1: while on the job. Christy is currently writing a memoir 761 00:42:47,556 --> 00:42:51,076 Speaker 1: about her experiences as a first responder. It comes out 762 00:42:51,156 --> 00:43:13,796 Speaker 1: next year. Hey, thanks so much for listening. If you 763 00:43:13,956 --> 00:43:16,596 Speaker 1: like my conversation with Christy, I hope you'll share it 764 00:43:16,636 --> 00:43:19,276 Speaker 1: with a friend. And if you haven't yet, checked out 765 00:43:19,276 --> 00:43:22,236 Speaker 1: my book, The Other Side of Change, Christy's in it 766 00:43:22,396 --> 00:43:24,316 Speaker 1: and you can grab a coffee at the link in 767 00:43:24,356 --> 00:43:27,956 Speaker 1: the episode description. We'll be back next week with another 768 00:43:28,036 --> 00:43:31,036 Speaker 1: episode of A Slight Change of Plans. I'll see you then. 769 00:43:42,236 --> 00:43:45,516 Speaker 1: A Slight Change of Plans is created, written, and executive 770 00:43:45,516 --> 00:43:49,396 Speaker 1: produced by me Maya Schunker. The Slight Change family includes 771 00:43:49,436 --> 00:43:54,396 Speaker 1: our showrunner Alexander Garatin, our editor Daphne Chen, our lead 772 00:43:54,436 --> 00:43:59,276 Speaker 1: producer Megan Lubin, our associate producer Sonia Gerwitt, and our 773 00:43:59,356 --> 00:44:04,076 Speaker 1: sound engineer Erica Huang. Luis Scara wrote our delightful theme 774 00:44:04,156 --> 00:44:07,916 Speaker 1: song and Ginger Smith helped arrange the vocals. A Slight 775 00:44:08,036 --> 00:44:11,156 Speaker 1: Change of Plans is a production of Pushkin Industries, So 776 00:44:11,316 --> 00:44:15,116 Speaker 1: big thanks to everyone there, and of course a very 777 00:44:15,156 --> 00:44:28,276 Speaker 1: special thanks to Jimmy Lee.