WEBVTT - Motherhood Is Triggering AF 0:00:01.720 --> 0:00:22.440 Hmmm, So welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. 0:00:23.079 --> 0:00:29.880 I'm Erica and I'm Neila, and it's Wednesday, Happy hump Day. 0:00:30.440 --> 0:00:35.240 Not only that, you guys, it's masturbation May. And we 0:00:35.400 --> 0:00:37.360 are on a diktalks? 0:00:37.520 --> 0:00:41.960 Are we on a dick talks? Are we on addicts? Oh? Wow? 0:00:42.720 --> 0:00:43.920 Are we on a diktalk? 0:00:44.000 --> 0:00:47.960 You think you have friends and there's loyalty, but there's none. Actually, 0:00:48.760 --> 0:00:51.480 I don't think I've had sex since three days ago. 0:00:51.600 --> 0:00:55.600 So I am on tktoks. Okay, okay for those of 0:00:55.640 --> 0:01:00.240 you that don't know what we're talking about. Starting May first, 0:01:00.320 --> 0:01:03.840 I have encouraged the community to join me on abstaining 0:01:03.840 --> 0:01:07.120 from sex for the month of May, to do some 0:01:07.440 --> 0:01:12.759 inner healing, you know, just questioning whyest we're having sex 0:01:12.800 --> 0:01:14.400 with some of the people that we're having sex with, 0:01:15.040 --> 0:01:19.160 healing our vaginas, giving them a low break, doing some 0:01:19.240 --> 0:01:23.040 manifestation during this month, and coming back to self, especially 0:01:23.080 --> 0:01:26.360 because it is masturbation May. So yes, we're abstaining from sex, 0:01:26.640 --> 0:01:33.800 and yes we are masturbating. Yes, yep, but she said, 0:01:34.240 --> 0:01:37.840 and I'm really excited because we have our first meet 0:01:37.920 --> 0:01:42.320 up tomorrow with the community on Patreon. So In order 0:01:42.360 --> 0:01:44.120 to join the Dick Talks, you have to join Patreon 0:01:44.160 --> 0:01:47.720 our Pasture Bedtime Tier, and it's worth it. Our Pasture 0:01:47.800 --> 0:01:49.920 Bedtime Tier not only has the Dick Talks, but it 0:01:49.920 --> 0:01:52.640 has so much other content that we don't post on 0:01:52.720 --> 0:01:55.120 the Internet and that we don't talk about on the podcast. 0:01:55.480 --> 0:01:56.880 We have a roll up on there that we do. 0:01:57.080 --> 0:01:59.080 We roll up our favorite weed, We talk our shit. 0:01:59.200 --> 0:02:02.160 We have blog book Sex Positions one on one where 0:02:02.760 --> 0:02:07.080 Eric and I reenact our most favorite, most recent sex positions, 0:02:07.120 --> 0:02:08.560 which I have someone to show you. 0:02:08.480 --> 0:02:11.079 How you do. And Mila just posted her birth video 0:02:11.160 --> 0:02:15.000 which people have been crying about in the patreons. Have 0:02:15.080 --> 0:02:18.079 you seen it? I didn't watch the whole thing. I'm 0:02:18.080 --> 0:02:19.960 going to post mine. Mine is about six seconds long 0:02:20.040 --> 0:02:23.120 because my baby daddy was screaming like a psychopath during 0:02:23.120 --> 0:02:26.640 it and decided that he had had enough and turned 0:02:26.680 --> 0:02:29.400 the camera off. You don't need to see this, this 0:02:29.440 --> 0:02:31.440 will be it. It was a sea section, so you know, 0:02:31.560 --> 0:02:36.680 maybe not as beautiful as your vaginal birth. All births 0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:40.560 are equal, but yeah. On Thursday, we're having a zoom 0:02:40.560 --> 0:02:43.959 call to talk about the Digtalks, and we're going to 0:02:44.000 --> 0:02:46.640 do that every week. Our third week. I'm really excited 0:02:46.639 --> 0:02:49.040 because we have Somaya of Sexual Essentials, who's going to 0:02:49.080 --> 0:02:55.080 teach us all about manifestation masturbation and that I feel 0:02:55.120 --> 0:02:57.840 like she told us that class is no longer offered 0:02:58.000 --> 0:03:02.520 over there, so this will be an exclusive drop to 0:03:02.720 --> 0:03:06.360 see all the insights to how you manifest during masturation, 0:03:06.560 --> 0:03:09.359 which is my shit. Yeah, and we also have Bruna 0:03:09.480 --> 0:03:13.880 coming on too. And Bruna if you guys haven't heard 0:03:13.919 --> 0:03:16.160 us talk about Bruna, she's been part of our events, 0:03:16.320 --> 0:03:18.440 She's been a guest on our show. She actually did 0:03:18.440 --> 0:03:21.080 the episode called One Thousand Days of Celibacy because she 0:03:21.200 --> 0:03:23.400 was celibate for a thousand days, and actually she's celibate 0:03:23.560 --> 0:03:26.000 again right now and joining us on the Diktoks. So 0:03:26.040 --> 0:03:28.800 I'm really excited to talk to her and share and 0:03:28.880 --> 0:03:32.720 hear about her experience end upstaining from sex for a 0:03:32.720 --> 0:03:36.280 thousand days, which essentially is like three years. And I 0:03:36.280 --> 0:03:38.200 know some of you guys too have already have been 0:03:38.240 --> 0:03:40.120 abstaining for a while, and I want to encourage you 0:03:40.160 --> 0:03:43.360 to join too. This isn't for necessarily if you've just 0:03:43.440 --> 0:03:46.600 decided to start. This isn't necessarily for people that aren't married. 0:03:46.680 --> 0:03:48.960 Because I think that taking breaks from sex, even in 0:03:48.960 --> 0:03:52.080 your relationships is a good idea to kind of like, 0:03:52.560 --> 0:03:56.160 you know, come back to self and you know, really 0:03:56.520 --> 0:04:01.560 think about resetting. Resetting is this nigga for me? Is 0:04:01.600 --> 0:04:06.200 this bitch for me? And also just appreciating each other more, 0:04:06.360 --> 0:04:08.640 you know, in the in the upstaining and coming back 0:04:08.680 --> 0:04:11.400 to like why you guys really are together in the 0:04:11.440 --> 0:04:12.000 first place. 0:04:12.200 --> 0:04:15.320 There's so many ways to experience intimacy, you know, And 0:04:15.840 --> 0:04:17.760 I realized I like all the ways. I like sex 0:04:17.800 --> 0:04:20.960 a lot, but also I'm a cuddling ass bitch and 0:04:21.000 --> 0:04:23.599 I'm also making out ass bitch. But yeah, if you 0:04:23.640 --> 0:04:26.400 can maintain a relationship and still like each other and 0:04:26.480 --> 0:04:31.680 love each other without oral and penetrative sex or having 0:04:31.760 --> 0:04:33.920 sex because you feel obligated to, you. 0:04:33.839 --> 0:04:36.279 Know, and kind of coming back and you know, getting 0:04:36.279 --> 0:04:41.720 excited about having sex and courting and flirting, I love that. 0:04:42.000 --> 0:04:44.640 I mean, I honestly I feel more powerful than ever 0:04:45.040 --> 0:04:49.280 not having sex. I feel like I'm in control and 0:04:49.320 --> 0:04:50.840 not just of like you know, whether or not I'm 0:04:50.880 --> 0:04:53.160 having sex with men, but just I just feel more 0:04:53.440 --> 0:04:56.960 I don't know, confident overall. 0:04:58.480 --> 0:05:00.640 When I did it two years ago, was it two 0:05:00.760 --> 0:05:04.320 or two, I did feel like so much more clear, 0:05:04.720 --> 0:05:07.320 so much more confident, and like I don't need that. 0:05:07.440 --> 0:05:10.400 I'm cool. After like the first like two or three months, 0:05:10.440 --> 0:05:12.560 I got like settled in it. The first two I 0:05:12.600 --> 0:05:14.400 was acting crazy. 0:05:14.440 --> 0:05:19.400 But yeah, I'm definitely, Yeah, I definitely can use it. 0:05:19.440 --> 0:05:23.320 I think it's a good reminder what you want and 0:05:23.360 --> 0:05:24.320 what you need, because I. 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:26.880 Think flour is your vision, right. I think if you stain, 0:05:27.000 --> 0:05:29.640 you'll be like, do I really like this niggad Or 0:05:29.920 --> 0:05:31.960 is the dick just good? Because a lot of times 0:05:31.960 --> 0:05:33.480 the dick is just good and then on a lot 0:05:33.480 --> 0:05:37.839 of times the dick isn't even that good. Yeah, that's true. 0:05:37.839 --> 0:05:40.159 It's like, God, I was digmatized for what It's just 0:05:40.200 --> 0:05:41.920 the only dick you're getting right now. 0:05:41.760 --> 0:05:43.400 And you like it combined with the fact that you 0:05:43.520 --> 0:05:45.400 kind of like that person and that person likes you, 0:05:45.480 --> 0:05:47.720 and then you get fucking confused and dazed. 0:05:48.880 --> 0:05:51.479 So anyway, if you're interested in joining the Dicktalks, the 0:05:51.520 --> 0:05:53.960 details are in the description of this episode, or you 0:05:53.960 --> 0:05:56.200 can just go to Patreon dot com backslash Good Mom's 0:05:56.240 --> 0:05:59.040 Bad Choices. Like I said, join our Pasture Bedtime tier 0:05:59.120 --> 0:06:02.400 and we'll see you on Thursday and every other week 0:06:02.440 --> 0:06:04.640 after that because we're going to have to hold each 0:06:04.640 --> 0:06:07.200 other accountable and have a support system. It is a 0:06:07.240 --> 0:06:10.440 dick Toks support group. It is. It is a support 0:06:10.440 --> 0:06:14.640 group because I have felt weak and I know that 0:06:15.279 --> 0:06:17.560 it's hard, especially when you decide to take a seat. 0:06:17.560 --> 0:06:20.240 That's when they all start crawling out of the woodworks. 0:06:20.320 --> 0:06:22.359 It's like they know they can smell it on you. 0:06:22.440 --> 0:06:25.440 They're like, you're not fucking and they're like their dick 0:06:25.520 --> 0:06:27.880 like a carriage, unting your face like you want, like 0:06:27.960 --> 0:06:29.279 hitting hitting your face? 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:38.920 Sure, are you sure? I do? But not really anyway, 0:06:40.040 --> 0:06:44.760 should we pull some cards? Sure, we're doing it digitally today. 0:06:45.720 --> 0:06:50.880 We're also not at our other office because we're so tired. Yeah, 0:06:50.920 --> 0:06:53.320 we've we've been really fancy and shooting somewhere else, but 0:06:53.440 --> 0:06:57.159 now we're back in the og spot because it is 0:06:57.400 --> 0:06:59.680 nine o'clock at night. Our kids are still not sleep. 0:07:00.040 --> 0:07:02.400 We've ordered Thai food for the four hundred and ninety 0:07:02.480 --> 0:07:09.039 nice time in one year, and we're stressed in drinking 0:07:09.040 --> 0:07:11.400 hennessee because that's all Erica has to drink and that 0:07:11.480 --> 0:07:14.800 will do. And actually kinnesseee with lemonade is actually lashes. 0:07:15.720 --> 0:07:23.120 Today's card is the Star Spirituality, inspiration, serenity, hope, renewal. 0:07:23.760 --> 0:07:26.600 Financially speaking, if you have been having money issues, the 0:07:26.600 --> 0:07:28.280 Star tells you that there is a way to get 0:07:28.280 --> 0:07:30.800 your finances in check. Now is a good time to 0:07:30.840 --> 0:07:34.080 make investments within reason, as the Star is an upright 0:07:34.120 --> 0:07:38.240 position signifies your finances moving in a positive direction. 0:07:39.320 --> 0:07:45.840 It's nice. And speaking of that, we actually the wealth 0:07:45.960 --> 0:07:49.320 roles everything around me two day course and it was 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:51.720 pretty amazing. There was a lot of women in there 0:07:51.760 --> 0:07:57.040 caring about their wealth and their investments. Yeah, so much information. 0:07:57.440 --> 0:08:00.160 Lous is just amazing. If you guys listen to our 0:08:00.200 --> 0:08:02.840 episode with the Wealth Witch with Loose Warrior, you know 0:08:02.960 --> 0:08:05.760 that she is a money generator and a wealth witch, 0:08:05.800 --> 0:08:11.080 and she really ties manifestation and spirituality into finances and 0:08:11.160 --> 0:08:14.960 so her wealth rules everything around me. Course was that 0:08:15.520 --> 0:08:19.480 essentially on top of just teaching everyone about the basics 0:08:19.480 --> 0:08:22.280 of the stock market, which can be really overwhelming and 0:08:22.280 --> 0:08:24.880 you think that like, you don't like you're not invited 0:08:24.920 --> 0:08:28.880 into that space because you know, traditionally or historically it's 0:08:28.880 --> 0:08:32.240 been a space for like old white men. But really, 0:08:32.600 --> 0:08:36.199 when she broke it down, it's not that difficult to understand, 0:08:36.480 --> 0:08:40.559 and it's just a really great course I recommend. I 0:08:40.559 --> 0:08:42.439 think she's having another one next month. I don't know 0:08:42.440 --> 0:08:44.520 if it's sold out because her shit be soeld out quick, 0:08:45.520 --> 0:08:48.920 but make sure you go check out Loose Warrior. In Loose, 0:08:48.960 --> 0:08:53.240 we trust, Luz In loose, we trust if you're interested 0:08:53.360 --> 0:08:56.880 in getting them finances together. We're not in money March, 0:08:56.920 --> 0:08:57.760 but baby, we're going. 0:08:57.679 --> 0:09:01.280 To keep this money following wearing money of March for 0:09:01.320 --> 0:09:02.080 the rest of our lives. 0:09:02.120 --> 0:09:04.800 Yeah, I mean ever since then. I'm in it like 0:09:04.840 --> 0:09:07.680 i've been. I've been investing in cryptocurrency. My crypto is 0:09:07.760 --> 0:09:10.679 up right now. I don't know if anyone is into cryptocurrency, 0:09:11.280 --> 0:09:14.720 but I invested in Ethereum. They shout out to Ashley Runway, 0:09:14.880 --> 0:09:18.200 my homegirl, Ashley. She's really got me into the crypto space. 0:09:18.240 --> 0:09:23.880 I'm still confused a bit, but I'm learning and yeah, 0:09:24.000 --> 0:09:33.600 it's been interesting. But anyway, how are you, friend, I'm 0:09:33.640 --> 0:09:34.520 motherfucking tired. 0:09:36.880 --> 0:09:43.520 I'm grateful, but I'm a little bit overwhelmed today. But good, 0:09:43.640 --> 0:09:46.880 you know, still good today. It's been a long fucking day. 0:09:47.160 --> 0:09:50.080 We have a little I literally knocked on an airco 0:09:50.160 --> 0:09:53.079 store at fucking seven seven thirty in the morning. She 0:09:53.160 --> 0:09:54.840 knocked and I was like, whoa, she's what what are 0:09:54.880 --> 0:09:55.839 you doing here this early? 0:09:56.679 --> 0:10:01.400 And it's now nine seventeen and we've literally been just packing, 0:10:01.559 --> 0:10:05.360 packaging all day, all fucking day. I love you guys. 0:10:05.360 --> 0:10:08.640 You guys bought so much of our merch. I'm so grateful. 0:10:08.760 --> 0:10:11.439 I'm so tired, though. We just sold out of our 0:10:11.520 --> 0:10:14.600 bucket hat, which is our second We've dropped twice now 0:10:14.679 --> 0:10:16.400 and it's sold out again in like a day and 0:10:16.440 --> 0:10:19.760 a half. And if you haven't checked out our merch, 0:10:19.880 --> 0:10:23.120 please do It's it's it's almost gone. We're gonna have 0:10:23.160 --> 0:10:27.559 to re up. But yeah, we need help, we need help. 0:10:29.640 --> 0:10:29.840 Yeah. 0:10:29.840 --> 0:10:32.640 This is actually definitely every days like this. I'm like, God, 0:10:32.720 --> 0:10:33.320 this is such. 0:10:33.200 --> 0:10:37.440 An independent this is an independent business doing a lot 0:10:37.520 --> 0:10:38.720 or done all the shit over here. 0:10:39.600 --> 0:10:43.320 I am really grateful though, but you know, every day 0:10:43.360 --> 0:10:46.920 shit just you know, it's some days. Most days for us, 0:10:46.920 --> 0:10:49.760 technology works against me. I've been trying to sign up 0:10:49.880 --> 0:10:54.280 Luna for soccer for fucking three weeks. I can't log in. 0:10:54.640 --> 0:10:57.439 It's fucking with me. I'm like, it's fucking soccer, here's 0:10:57.440 --> 0:10:58.840 the money. Here's her name. 0:10:59.200 --> 0:11:02.080 Why the fuck do I have just logging to register 0:11:02.440 --> 0:11:04.200 to upload her fucking birth certificate. 0:11:04.240 --> 0:11:07.280 I'm her mother, I birthed here. She's at soccer. Just 0:11:07.360 --> 0:11:09.800 let her play. Don't make me log into shit, don't 0:11:09.800 --> 0:11:13.640 make me reset one more password. I bought her cleats, Like, 0:11:13.679 --> 0:11:15.880 what the fuck else do you want from me? If 0:11:15.880 --> 0:11:18.000 you email me one more time about this fucking logging, 0:11:18.080 --> 0:11:19.040 I'm want to freak out. 0:11:19.320 --> 0:11:23.079 It's Mother's Day this weekend. Treat mother's nice. 0:11:23.800 --> 0:11:29.079 I mean, honestly, like, motherhood is the most fulfilling, grateful, amazing, 0:11:31.960 --> 0:11:35.840 fucking self sacrificing thing I've ever done. But it is 0:11:35.920 --> 0:11:39.559 so hard, Like I just constantly feel like I'm. 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:42.200 Fucking it up. But I know I'm trying. I'm doing 0:11:42.240 --> 0:11:44.160 my best. I'm doing my best, and so are you. 0:11:44.240 --> 0:11:48.040 Where we're at feeling overwhelmed and tired and like, are 0:11:48.080 --> 0:11:49.439 you questioning yourself? 0:11:50.040 --> 0:11:52.680 You're doing a good job, you really are. You know. 0:11:52.840 --> 0:11:56.959 The other day I was on I shared something on 0:11:57.000 --> 0:12:01.280 our close friends and I got really a motion because 0:12:01.960 --> 0:12:07.679 I have been feeling like I have been very distracted 0:12:07.720 --> 0:12:11.480 from motherhood because I'm so focused on my career. I'm 0:12:11.520 --> 0:12:14.120 so focused on trying to move out of this house. 0:12:14.600 --> 0:12:17.200 I'm so focused on the multiple projects that we have 0:12:17.360 --> 0:12:21.520 going on that I have been feeling like I've not 0:12:21.600 --> 0:12:24.480 been spending enough time with my daughter. And my daughter 0:12:25.040 --> 0:12:32.200 granted is an attention houji, but even so, I know 0:12:32.440 --> 0:12:34.120 in my I've been feeling in my heart like I 0:12:34.160 --> 0:12:38.560 have not been present at all. And so we got 0:12:38.559 --> 0:12:43.640 home the other night, and uh, she was kind of quiet. 0:12:43.960 --> 0:12:47.120 I had been working all day and had not played 0:12:47.120 --> 0:12:49.880 with her all day, and like, like, had someone else 0:12:49.960 --> 0:12:52.280 take her to soft her practice, had someone else do 0:12:52.400 --> 0:12:54.880 something else for her? Like I have not been like 0:12:54.880 --> 0:12:57.199 I haven't been taking to her to any of her activities, 0:12:57.280 --> 0:12:59.480 like thank God for tribe, but also like I haven't 0:12:59.480 --> 0:13:00.439 been able, haven't. 0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:00.880 Done any of it. 0:13:03.000 --> 0:13:05.320 And so we got home and like she was sitting 0:13:05.400 --> 0:13:08.880 on the couch, which and quiet, just quiet, which never happens, 0:13:09.440 --> 0:13:11.000 and like I'm in the kitchen, I'm on the phone, 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:15.680 distracted again, and I get off the phone and I 0:13:15.679 --> 0:13:17.880 tell her she has to take a bath, and she's 0:13:17.920 --> 0:13:20.120 like she's crying. It's like I don't want to take 0:13:20.160 --> 0:13:21.160 a bath. I don't want to take a bath. And 0:13:21.200 --> 0:13:22.080 I was like, well, if you're not going to take 0:13:22.080 --> 0:13:23.079 a bath. You need to go to bed. And she 0:13:23.160 --> 0:13:25.320 was like fine, and I was like, oh, that was 0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:28.640 way too easy, Okay. So I'm like, all right, Well, 0:13:28.760 --> 0:13:32.400 she gets she gets dressed, and she's just like crying, 0:13:32.720 --> 0:13:34.400 and then she goes in the bed and she's crying, 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:39.760 and I'm thinking, like, she's being dramatic, but also I'm thinking, like, God, 0:13:39.800 --> 0:13:41.360 I haven't believed in the very time with her. Maybe 0:13:41.360 --> 0:13:43.520 she's noticed. No, she hasn't noticed. Maybe I'm just being 0:13:43.559 --> 0:13:44.160 hard with myself. 0:13:44.200 --> 0:13:44.840 No, whatever. 0:13:44.920 --> 0:13:47.360 So she goes, she goes, I close the door, and 0:13:47.360 --> 0:13:48.760 then I go back and check on her in like 0:13:48.800 --> 0:13:51.480 ten minutes, and she's still crying. And I'm like, why 0:13:51.480 --> 0:13:53.480 are you still crying? Like you got what you wanted, 0:13:53.520 --> 0:13:56.680 you didn't take the bath, you're in bed, it's late anyway, 0:13:56.920 --> 0:14:00.439 Like what are you crying about? And like and she 0:14:00.520 --> 0:14:03.240 just couldn't like verbalize it. She was crying so hard 0:14:03.280 --> 0:14:05.640 that like she couldn't like say why she was crying. 0:14:05.920 --> 0:14:07.040 And so I was like, all right, well, let me 0:14:07.080 --> 0:14:09.640 list some things out, like like why, like are you 0:14:09.760 --> 0:14:12.400 crying because of this? Because of this? She was like no, no, no, 0:14:12.440 --> 0:14:15.679 And I was like, are you crying? Because mommy's been 0:14:15.720 --> 0:14:18.520 really busy, and she said yes, and then she was 0:14:18.559 --> 0:14:19.960 like are I'm like, are you crying because I didn't 0:14:19.960 --> 0:14:21.720 play with you today? And then she was like you 0:14:21.800 --> 0:14:24.280 never play with me? Is like, are you upset when 0:14:24.280 --> 0:14:25.920 I'm on my phone? And she's like, you're always on 0:14:25.960 --> 0:14:27.840 your phone. I always tell you to get off your phone. 0:14:27.880 --> 0:14:30.200 You're always on your phone. And I was like, fuck 0:14:30.280 --> 0:14:32.000 when your kids came, and she was like and you 0:14:32.040 --> 0:14:39.320 could tell like those were the reasons because she was like, yeah, bitch, yeah, bitch, 0:14:39.320 --> 0:14:42.960 I know you know, And at that moment, I was like, fuck, 0:14:43.000 --> 0:14:46.280 I'm caught. Like my feelings are confirmed. Like I haven't 0:14:46.320 --> 0:14:49.480 been like sliding, like sliding past her and her not 0:14:49.680 --> 0:14:54.840 like realizing that Mommy's been trash lately. So you know, 0:14:54.840 --> 0:14:56.880 I went up in the bed and like I told 0:14:56.920 --> 0:15:00.440 her like I'm sorry and that I i'd just been 0:15:00.480 --> 0:15:03.320 like so focused on like trying to move and like 0:15:03.440 --> 0:15:06.000 my work, but like that I need to do better, 0:15:06.600 --> 0:15:08.640 and like I just started I didn't want to cry, 0:15:08.720 --> 0:15:11.680 but then I just started crying, and then we were 0:15:11.720 --> 0:15:15.280 both crying, and then like she like reached her little 0:15:15.360 --> 0:15:18.000 arms out and like held me on her chest like 0:15:18.120 --> 0:15:22.120 my fucking mom, like like was like petting me, and 0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:24.680 I was like bawling, and then I was just like 0:15:24.720 --> 0:15:27.520 I'm gonna do better. I'm so sorry, Like you're right, 0:15:27.640 --> 0:15:30.000 like I'm on my phone too much and I want 0:15:30.000 --> 0:15:33.119 to be here for you. I love you. You're almost 0:15:33.480 --> 0:15:35.280 like I can't believe you're a Well that's when that's 0:15:35.320 --> 0:15:37.120 why I started crying. I was like, you believe you're 0:15:37.200 --> 0:15:41.520 almost six? Yeah, this is like two days before her 0:15:41.560 --> 0:15:45.440 birthday and cry thinking about it, and I just felt 0:15:45.440 --> 0:15:47.640 like I feel like shit. I felt like shit. I 0:15:47.680 --> 0:15:50.120 mean I felt like, wow, this is afterwards, I was 0:15:50.120 --> 0:15:52.120 like that was such a beautiful moment that I could 0:15:52.120 --> 0:15:55.320 share with my daughter. But I also felt like shit 0:15:55.400 --> 0:15:56.720 because I was like, I don't know how I'm going 0:15:56.800 --> 0:15:59.560 to change anything right now because I do have so 0:15:59.680 --> 0:16:02.320 much going on and I have to keep it moving, 0:16:02.440 --> 0:16:04.960 and like I know that there's ways that maybe I 0:16:05.000 --> 0:16:08.280 can incorporate her more, like her, you know, being a 0:16:08.320 --> 0:16:10.440 part of my work even if it's like not really 0:16:10.560 --> 0:16:12.560 part of my work or like made her feel involved 0:16:12.600 --> 0:16:17.040 and stuff, right, but I just was I got more 0:16:17.080 --> 0:16:18.480 upset after I left her because I was like, I 0:16:18.480 --> 0:16:21.280 don't know how I'm supposed to like shift this, and 0:16:21.320 --> 0:16:24.280 I'm like, I just got like I was like I 0:16:24.800 --> 0:16:27.280 envy married people in that moment because I was like, 0:16:27.280 --> 0:16:29.960 if you're married me and to me, I always talk 0:16:29.960 --> 0:16:31.520 about like we're so glad we're not married because I've 0:16:31.520 --> 0:16:33.120 get to drive the kids off and have her own 0:16:33.120 --> 0:16:34.800 time and we get we get our space, you know, 0:16:34.800 --> 0:16:37.800 we get space. But in that moment, I was like, 0:16:37.840 --> 0:16:39.400 if I was married, I wouldn't. I don't feel like 0:16:39.400 --> 0:16:41.440 i'd feel as a guilt, Like I'd be able to 0:16:41.480 --> 0:16:43.760 like pass her on to someone in my home and 0:16:43.800 --> 0:16:45.760 like he could take on some of this guilt or something, 0:16:45.800 --> 0:16:49.400 but at least take on some of the responsibility. And 0:16:49.440 --> 0:16:51.440 like her dad has just gone and just just making 0:16:51.440 --> 0:16:53.480 her all his own schedule and telling me his schedule 0:16:53.480 --> 0:16:58.360 and not asking me my schedule, and it's just yeah, anyway, 0:16:58.520 --> 0:17:01.680 I just felt just reflecting on like single motherhood. Like 0:17:01.760 --> 0:17:04.760 when we started this podcast, you know, our daughters were 0:17:05.040 --> 0:17:07.960 three years old. Now they're six years old, which is crazy, 0:17:08.480 --> 0:17:11.320 and there's so much more aware, there's so much more 0:17:11.520 --> 0:17:15.800 vocal about their needs and wants, and we've grown closer 0:17:15.800 --> 0:17:18.560 to them obviously in that time, and so I feel 0:17:18.880 --> 0:17:21.960 her when things when like when things aren't going the 0:17:22.000 --> 0:17:25.800 way they should, and to be honest, they're not really 0:17:25.960 --> 0:17:29.080 They're like and I don't I'm trying to find balance, 0:17:29.119 --> 0:17:31.520 but I don't think there's ever a perfect balance, Like 0:17:31.720 --> 0:17:36.600 there's just imbalance. Often there's balance sometimes for sure, but 0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:41.680 then there's just imbalance. And I don't know, like Pete 0:17:41.680 --> 0:17:44.240 when I when I posted on close friends, like a 0:17:44.280 --> 0:17:46.359 lot of moms like you know, gave me advice, and 0:17:46.400 --> 0:17:50.440 I appreciate that because me and Amila we're new moms essentially, 0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:53.280 like we've been doing it for six years. Yeah, and 0:17:53.320 --> 0:17:55.360 so like hearing from other moms that have a ten 0:17:55.400 --> 0:17:58.720 year old or fifteen year olds and are like in school, 0:17:58.920 --> 0:18:02.040 have a job, parent like the same shit, you know, 0:18:02.880 --> 0:18:07.760 it was nice. I'm just so grateful for like our tribe, 0:18:08.000 --> 0:18:10.960 especially like our secret tribe at Patreon, because I don't, 0:18:11.280 --> 0:18:12.840 you know, a scorpia. I don't feel like I don't 0:18:12.880 --> 0:18:15.480 like want to share aggraazing, even though I'm sharing the 0:18:15.520 --> 0:18:21.520 three now, but like those are really super emotional in 0:18:21.560 --> 0:18:24.600 the moment moments like when I can reach out to 0:18:25.320 --> 0:18:27.359 my people and you guys come for me. I'm so 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:31.560 grateful and that's really I was thinking about, like not 0:18:31.680 --> 0:18:34.000 feeling like I had community or not feeling like I 0:18:34.080 --> 0:18:36.200 had any mom friends when I start, when we started 0:18:36.200 --> 0:18:38.719 this podcast, and like the fact that I have so 0:18:39.040 --> 0:18:41.919 many people now and I don't know all of you guys, 0:18:42.400 --> 0:18:44.800 but like I feel like I know all of you guys. 0:18:45.240 --> 0:18:47.000 You feel the support, you feel the energy, and you 0:18:47.080 --> 0:18:50.240 feel like you know, you feel that other people have 0:18:50.320 --> 0:18:52.880 been there. I genuinely feel the love all the time, 0:18:52.920 --> 0:18:54.600 you know, even if it's just like a couple of 0:18:54.680 --> 0:18:58.000 comments or a couple a line or two here, roll 0:18:58.080 --> 0:19:03.359 up in the DM there, I do feel surrounded by 0:19:03.440 --> 0:19:09.120 like powerful women that are going through similar experiences. So 0:19:09.200 --> 0:19:12.080 that's that's amazing, Yeah, because we did feel very alone 0:19:12.080 --> 0:19:15.760 in the beginning, and we desperately needed each other and 0:19:15.840 --> 0:19:16.560 everyone else. 0:19:17.080 --> 0:19:18.240 It's crazy because. 0:19:19.560 --> 0:19:23.040 Like, well obviously we're together all the time, so we 0:19:23.160 --> 0:19:26.160 are a reflection of one another, and we're a reflection 0:19:26.240 --> 0:19:29.000 of like a lot of times inevitably we are each 0:19:29.000 --> 0:19:35.240 other's business partner. And whatever you're experiencing, I'm often experiencing 0:19:35.280 --> 0:19:36.720 it too, and like whether or not I want to 0:19:36.720 --> 0:19:41.280 acknowledge it or stay vocally, like if your kids feeling neglected. 0:19:41.840 --> 0:19:43.960 Probably chances our minds. 0:19:43.760 --> 0:19:47.040 Too, because we're living a lot of like a very 0:19:47.080 --> 0:19:53.040 parallel life and trying to just balance a lot of 0:19:53.080 --> 0:19:55.879 stuff and you know, be successful and be rich and 0:19:55.880 --> 0:19:58.439 then like get to this space where we're not like 0:19:58.600 --> 0:20:00.719 hustling and bustling and moving all day. And but I've 0:20:00.760 --> 0:20:03.360 said this before, like there's this other fear like time 0:20:03.440 --> 0:20:05.880 is going by so quickly. Like they were three when 0:20:05.920 --> 0:20:08.280 they started. We were literally screaming in the other rooms. 0:20:08.400 --> 0:20:10.919 It's constantly for them, they'll be quiet, and then like 0:20:11.600 --> 0:20:15.240 just three years later, they're vastly different. They can communicate 0:20:15.720 --> 0:20:17.960 so much better that you know, they're more in tune 0:20:17.960 --> 0:20:21.000 with their feelings. They're more aware and just trying to 0:20:21.000 --> 0:20:24.840 balance work and you know, justify getting rich so that 0:20:24.840 --> 0:20:27.000 they could live better lives. We can live better lives, 0:20:27.080 --> 0:20:29.880 work less, but then also trying to manage like personal 0:20:29.920 --> 0:20:32.840 lives and like niggas and like this shit that really 0:20:32.880 --> 0:20:35.919 doesn't matter, but like we still make time for it 0:20:35.960 --> 0:20:38.080 because well we're human. 0:20:38.640 --> 0:20:40.520 It feels good, and it feels good and it's a 0:20:40.520 --> 0:20:44.800 distraction from reponsibility. So yeah, and you know what I've 0:20:44.800 --> 0:20:48.760 been like really exploring is that. 0:20:51.280 --> 0:20:56.879 The same, the same trauma, The same childhood trauma that 0:20:56.920 --> 0:20:59.920 I'm healing from or attempting to healing from, or rather 0:21:00.080 --> 0:21:04.760 avoiding healing from, is meeting and wanting attention from my parents. 0:21:07.760 --> 0:21:11.080 That same trauma, wanting attention, wanting love, and wanting to 0:21:11.080 --> 0:21:16.280 feel validated is like literally the exact same trauma that 0:21:17.119 --> 0:21:21.680 allows me to distract myself with like relationships or you know, 0:21:22.280 --> 0:21:26.000 guys or whatever the fuck it is, and like this 0:21:26.119 --> 0:21:29.080 crazy men, Like when I step back and even see you, 0:21:29.440 --> 0:21:32.400 just you know, be vulnerable and discuss that because obviously 0:21:32.440 --> 0:21:35.679 I have very similar feelings and I have like panic 0:21:35.680 --> 0:21:37.639 attacks and side like, fuck, she's gonna grow up and 0:21:37.680 --> 0:21:39.879 like remember that I've just been on my phone or 0:21:39.920 --> 0:21:41.560