1 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:13,720 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch Talks. 2 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:16,480 Speaker 1: My name is Kat and I am the host. Here. 3 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:19,279 Speaker 1: Couch Shocks is a special bonus episode of You Need 4 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:23,720 Speaker 1: Therapy where I answer questions that listeners you send to 5 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:27,800 Speaker 1: Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. So if 6 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:30,440 Speaker 1: you have any questions then feel free to send them 7 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:33,960 Speaker 1: my way. Again, that's Catherine K A t h R 8 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:37,200 Speaker 1: y N at You Need Therapy podcast dot com. Also 9 00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:40,760 Speaker 1: a quick reminder that yes I am a therapist. This 10 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:43,720 Speaker 1: is called You Need Therapy, but this actually isn't therapy 11 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:48,520 Speaker 1: or replacement for therapy. Now. Usually, like I just said, 12 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:52,400 Speaker 1: I answer questions on this episode that you guys send in, 13 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,320 Speaker 1: but today I thought we could just have a quick 14 00:00:55,440 --> 00:01:01,200 Speaker 1: chat sense. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and well, as much fun 15 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:04,920 Speaker 1: as the holidays can be, they can also come with 16 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:08,720 Speaker 1: their fair share of super uncomfy feelings. And I put 17 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:11,880 Speaker 1: an instant question up by the way, you can follow 18 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:14,640 Speaker 1: me if you want to at at cat dot de 19 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:18,160 Speaker 1: fata and at You Need Therapy Podcast. I'll put those 20 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:19,720 Speaker 1: links in the show notes for you to just to 21 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,440 Speaker 1: click on them. Do you want to follow me? You 22 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,800 Speaker 1: can find me at those places but I put up 23 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:28,160 Speaker 1: an instant question Instagram question on my story and asked 24 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:30,920 Speaker 1: what are the hard parts of the holidays? And you 25 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:34,800 Speaker 1: guys just kind of like went for it. Never have 26 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:38,560 Speaker 1: I gotten such quick responses from a question, and that 27 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,080 Speaker 1: tells me that this is really tough for a bunch 28 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:44,280 Speaker 1: of you guys. And I actually covered some of what 29 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,360 Speaker 1: I was going to talk about today yesterday on Four 30 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,240 Speaker 1: Things with Amy Brown during her fifth Thing that we've 31 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:53,480 Speaker 1: turned into Amy and cat chats, So if you're unfamiliar, 32 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:56,120 Speaker 1: Amy Brown has a podcast called Four Things with Amy Brown, 33 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:59,640 Speaker 1: and she does an episode every Tuesday and Thursday. And 34 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:04,400 Speaker 1: on Tuesday I joined her and we answer emails or 35 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:07,040 Speaker 1: we just like kind of talk about life, and then 36 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:10,440 Speaker 1: on Thursday she does her episodes by herself or with guests. 37 00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:14,440 Speaker 1: And also tomorrow Thanksgiving, I'm actually on that episode again 38 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,080 Speaker 1: and we talked about a lot of stuff, and if 39 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,440 Speaker 1: you have some time tomorrow you might want to check 40 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,640 Speaker 1: it out, or Friday or Saturday or any day after that. 41 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:23,280 Speaker 1: But just wanted to put that out there. I'll be 42 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:27,560 Speaker 1: there on there tomorrow as well. Anyway, Yesterday, on the 43 00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:30,760 Speaker 1: fifth Thing, Amy shared some about what it's like to 44 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,480 Speaker 1: be walking into the first Thanksgiving without her dad, and 45 00:02:33,919 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 1: I talked about some sadness around what my life looks 46 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,360 Speaker 1: like and how it looks differently than I imagined it 47 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:43,080 Speaker 1: when I was younger, and how Thanksgiving in Christmas kind 48 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,840 Speaker 1: of highlights that and gave some ideas on how to 49 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,480 Speaker 1: help feel those feelings and also ask for what you need. 50 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:50,359 Speaker 1: So if you want to listen to that episode, I'll 51 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:52,920 Speaker 1: link that as well in the show notes. And like, really, 52 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:57,040 Speaker 1: it's just so weird because this holiday, Thanksgiving is all 53 00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:59,799 Speaker 1: centered around gratitude and being thankful, and at the same 54 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:03,440 Speaker 1: time it offers this space where we also become acutely 55 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:06,359 Speaker 1: aware of what we wish we had or what we're 56 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:09,760 Speaker 1: missing or maybe even just like what we've lost. And 57 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:12,280 Speaker 1: I love the holidays, I do want to make sure 58 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,400 Speaker 1: that I get that point across. I love this time 59 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,360 Speaker 1: of year. I also love the time of year because 60 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:19,520 Speaker 1: my birthdays in December. It's coming up December four, but 61 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 1: it also comes like this whole time of year also 62 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,200 Speaker 1: comes with this highlighter that highlights around the things that 63 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:26,920 Speaker 1: I don't have, and for you, whether it's a job 64 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,720 Speaker 1: or significant other family member, this time of year just 65 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:33,880 Speaker 1: really helps us remember what doesn't feel like a Hallmark movie, 66 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,640 Speaker 1: which at the same time, we are given more of 67 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:40,920 Speaker 1: those around this year, which I love a good cheesy 68 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,760 Speaker 1: Christmas movie. I love it, and as I watched them, 69 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:47,520 Speaker 1: I'm very aware that my life doesn'tthing like that. Now. Yesterday, again, 70 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,800 Speaker 1: in Amy's episode, I talked more about the loneliness I 71 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,840 Speaker 1: feel in my life around this time. So if that's 72 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:56,480 Speaker 1: something that you're struggling with again, go listen to the episode. 73 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,200 Speaker 1: I'll link that so you can just click on it, 74 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,800 Speaker 1: because we're not going to talk about that as much 75 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:06,120 Speaker 1: today because yes, the lack of Hallmark looking love stories 76 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:08,960 Speaker 1: gets highlighted the time of year, but for many so 77 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,600 Speaker 1: does the experience of grief and loss, and that's something 78 00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:14,080 Speaker 1: that just generally is tough for us to talk about. 79 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:17,520 Speaker 1: I was actually talking to my mom on Sunday. We 80 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 1: were driving around, running some errands and doing some shopping. 81 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,240 Speaker 1: She mentioned that part of her wishes that she could 82 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,800 Speaker 1: just like push past the holidays. I was kind of 83 00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:28,760 Speaker 1: like shocked, and I was like why, and then I 84 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,800 Speaker 1: was like, oh my gosh. The So my grandma, which 85 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:34,919 Speaker 1: was my mom's mom, passed away this past January and 86 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,640 Speaker 1: this will be her first Thanksgiving and Christmas without her 87 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:41,200 Speaker 1: mom like ever in her life. And I sitting here 88 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:45,040 Speaker 1: cannot even entertain the thought of not having my mom 89 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:47,040 Speaker 1: for a day of my life, let alone a holiday. 90 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,720 Speaker 1: And so I was like, oh my gosh. Oh. And 91 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:51,920 Speaker 1: even though we didn't spend the holidays with my grandma 92 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,480 Speaker 1: most of the time, she so spoke to her every 93 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:58,000 Speaker 1: single Thanksgiving and Christmas of her life except this one. 94 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:02,000 Speaker 1: And it's tough, like it's like excruciating. I want to 95 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,200 Speaker 1: use that word because that feels like more powerful. And 96 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,640 Speaker 1: I know some of you listening are about to experience 97 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 1: the same thing. So yesterday or the day before. At 98 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,719 Speaker 1: some point in the last couple of days, I also 99 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:17,360 Speaker 1: saw this post that Megan Divine, who's um a grief expert, 100 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:22,080 Speaker 1: post on Instagram and it said loss gets integrated, not overcome. 101 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:26,920 Speaker 1: And I was like, oh my gosh, like, yes, that 102 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,640 Speaker 1: is true and that makes sense and I get it 103 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,440 Speaker 1: and I believe it, and I hate that, like I 104 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:34,520 Speaker 1: just hate it. Part of me just wants to fight 105 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,800 Speaker 1: that idea, and I'm like, no, I will overcome this. 106 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:40,240 Speaker 1: I will overcome tragedy and loss. How dare you tell 107 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:44,400 Speaker 1: me that we can't overcome this, But she's right in 108 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,719 Speaker 1: that we don't get over loss. It will never feel 109 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:50,400 Speaker 1: good to not have a human that we love with 110 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:53,160 Speaker 1: us on special days. What we do is we integrate 111 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,440 Speaker 1: the loss of these people into our lives. That is 112 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:59,440 Speaker 1: what creates more of the healing process. So that means 113 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,600 Speaker 1: where we used to experience the presence of someone, we 114 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:04,440 Speaker 1: need to integrate their memory. And I would rather have 115 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,200 Speaker 1: the presence. I would rather have the presence of somebody 116 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:08,640 Speaker 1: in my life. But this is one of those things 117 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:11,640 Speaker 1: where it's like I can't change this. I can't bring 118 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:15,120 Speaker 1: them back, and I can't bring my grandma back for Thanksgiving? 119 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,720 Speaker 1: So how can I integrate her memory into our day 120 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:20,840 Speaker 1: and at the same time honor our grief and honor 121 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,760 Speaker 1: my mom's grief because that's different than my grief and 122 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:27,440 Speaker 1: the difference that is felt this year just in general, 123 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,640 Speaker 1: just the difference. How do I honor all that and 124 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:32,440 Speaker 1: integrate her memory. I hear people ask questions all the 125 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:35,920 Speaker 1: time when it comes to the grieving process, and they'll 126 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,760 Speaker 1: sound like, what am I going to get over this? 127 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,600 Speaker 1: When am I not going to be affected by this? 128 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:41,640 Speaker 1: When is this going to be over. When will I 129 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:45,040 Speaker 1: feel normal again? And there's no good right answer. Part 130 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,160 Speaker 1: of that is because we have to integrate our loss 131 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:50,320 Speaker 1: that we don't want to have. We have to integrate 132 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,799 Speaker 1: our loss that we actually don't want to have into 133 00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:54,680 Speaker 1: our new normal. So it's not what am I going 134 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,520 Speaker 1: to feel normal again? It's how do I create a 135 00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:59,640 Speaker 1: new normal with the integration of this person or human 136 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:02,920 Speaker 1: or thing not in my life anymore. It's super, super tough, 137 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:06,159 Speaker 1: and there's like a real battle within it because again, 138 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,360 Speaker 1: we don't want this loss. But it may help if 139 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:11,920 Speaker 1: your goal moves from trying to move on to try 140 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,920 Speaker 1: and to move with. And I don't know about you, 141 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 1: but even as a therapist, I never really know what 142 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,800 Speaker 1: to say during these moments of intense and acute grief. 143 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,720 Speaker 1: And I'm semi okay with that because I believe that 144 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:26,000 Speaker 1: I feel this way because there isn't a right thing 145 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:28,400 Speaker 1: to say, and like I want right things to say 146 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,840 Speaker 1: because I want people to feel better. I just like do, 147 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,640 Speaker 1: although there are some definite wrong things to say when 148 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:36,000 Speaker 1: it goes to grief. But because of this, I can 149 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,960 Speaker 1: be a huge avoider just of the subject in general, 150 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,520 Speaker 1: Like if somebody doesn't bring it to me. I'm not 151 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,560 Speaker 1: going to go forth and ask because I'm afraid to 152 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:45,840 Speaker 1: dampen the mood or say something wrong or overstep the 153 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:49,960 Speaker 1: boundary or feel feelings that I don't necessarily want to feel. 154 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:53,360 Speaker 1: And I just don't like being sad. I don't. But 155 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,360 Speaker 1: I think it's important to talk about here that you 156 00:07:56,400 --> 00:08:00,400 Speaker 1: can hold space for someone's grief without catching their grief, 157 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:04,240 Speaker 1: Like I can support someone without taking on their feelings, 158 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,040 Speaker 1: and it actually can be super helpful to someone who's 159 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:08,920 Speaker 1: grieving to not have to feel like they have to 160 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,880 Speaker 1: be totally alone in it. So I say that because 161 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,800 Speaker 1: maybe this year you can reach out and maybe you're 162 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:17,440 Speaker 1: not the one grieving, but you have a family member 163 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,760 Speaker 1: or somebody who is, or maybe you are grieving, but 164 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:22,400 Speaker 1: like my mom's grief is different than my grief, and 165 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,720 Speaker 1: so maybe you can reach out and ask someone to 166 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,160 Speaker 1: share a memory or just let them know that you're 167 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:30,840 Speaker 1: there to talk and at least let them know you're 168 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:34,760 Speaker 1: open and available. Then if they want the space, they 169 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,920 Speaker 1: can take it and come and share memory or something 170 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,120 Speaker 1: with you, and you don't have to force it, right, 171 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:41,319 Speaker 1: It's just like letting that person know, Hey, I'm over here. 172 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,400 Speaker 1: If it's something that you would like to talk about, 173 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,280 Speaker 1: I want you to know that I'm I'm here for you. 174 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,880 Speaker 1: And then you let that person who's grieving decide if 175 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,240 Speaker 1: they want to take that space or not. Just give 176 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,800 Speaker 1: them an option. You don't have to force it, which 177 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,960 Speaker 1: just like give them an option to know that, like 178 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,679 Speaker 1: if they don't want to be alone in their stuff, 179 00:08:55,679 --> 00:08:58,360 Speaker 1: they don't have to be alone. Because full circle back 180 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,120 Speaker 1: to this idea that Thanksgiving as a holiday that is 181 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:03,320 Speaker 1: so great because we get to look at everything that 182 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:05,440 Speaker 1: we have to be thankful for and grateful for and 183 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:08,520 Speaker 1: all that stuff. And when we do that, sometimes we 184 00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:11,400 Speaker 1: are inundated with all the things that we don't have 185 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,360 Speaker 1: any more that we wish we had. And somebody can 186 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:18,319 Speaker 1: be silently really sitting somewhere feeling really alone and just saying, hey, 187 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,760 Speaker 1: I'm here if you want to talk, can mitigate that 188 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:24,800 Speaker 1: feeling and offer something that somebody might be really longing 189 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,160 Speaker 1: for and maybe not even know it. So, if you 190 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,959 Speaker 1: are somebody who is grieving something this year, I just 191 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:34,800 Speaker 1: want you to know that I'm here for you. Right, So, 192 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,000 Speaker 1: if you want to send me an email about what 193 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,280 Speaker 1: it's like for you during the holidays, feel free to 194 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:42,360 Speaker 1: do that. If you have questions around grief and and 195 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,880 Speaker 1: how do you create a new normal and questions around that, 196 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:46,720 Speaker 1: send that to me. I would love to be a 197 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,480 Speaker 1: resource for you if I can within my limits. And 198 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,840 Speaker 1: I just want you to know that like I see 199 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:53,720 Speaker 1: you even though I don't really see you, because I 200 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,280 Speaker 1: know this time can be really tough, and I have 201 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:57,600 Speaker 1: my own stuff that's going on around the holidays and 202 00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:01,000 Speaker 1: it's not always what it looks like from the outside. 203 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:05,280 Speaker 1: So I hope this was helpful as always, And yesterday 204 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,440 Speaker 1: we titled Amy's fifth Thing episode, have a Thanksgiving you 205 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,400 Speaker 1: need to have, So I think I'm gonna leave you 206 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,719 Speaker 1: guys with that, have the Thanksgiving you need to have. 207 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,520 Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be the Thanksgiving that you want 208 00:10:15,559 --> 00:10:17,640 Speaker 1: to post on Instagram. It might just be the one 209 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:20,280 Speaker 1: that you need to have. So allow yourself to have 210 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:23,800 Speaker 1: the space that you need to honor all the things 211 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,520 Speaker 1: that are going on with you. And I will talk 212 00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:27,880 Speaker 1: to you guys on Monday.