1
00:00:00,280 --> 00:00:03,000
Speaker 1: Levels to This is an iHeart women's sports production in

2
00:00:03,080 --> 00:00:05,320
Speaker 1: partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment.

3
00:00:05,559 --> 00:00:08,080
Speaker 2: You can find us on the iHeartRadio.

4
00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:13,160
Speaker 1: App, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

5
00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:17,640
Speaker 2: Hey, what's going on y'all?

6
00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:18,080
Speaker 3: As your girl?

7
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:21,400
Speaker 2: Trika Foster Brasby, what's up y'all? Is your girl? Cheryl

8
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:25,360
Speaker 2: Swoops And this is the levels to this podcast.

9
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,640
Speaker 4: This is the show where we talk about the different

10
00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:30,040
Speaker 4: levels to the ship that women go through. And Honey,

11
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:32,519
Speaker 4: we will absolutely be talking about shit that women go

12
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:39,840
Speaker 4: through on today's show because today's show is really one

13
00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:43,080
Speaker 4: that I think we both need it in many aspects.

14
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,800
Speaker 4: So I'm really excited about the guests that we're gonna

15
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:50,600
Speaker 4: have on today. She's a sol war of ours. I

16
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:51,920
Speaker 4: never get tired of saying that.

17
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:54,400
Speaker 2: You don't realize that. I never get tired of.

18
00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:02,520
Speaker 4: My God, I don't get tired of say but anyway, Sheryl,

19
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:03,320
Speaker 4: how's your weekend?

20
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,360
Speaker 2: Amazing? Amazing?

21
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:09,679
Speaker 1: My grand baby is two months old. Now, he's getting

22
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:14,920
Speaker 1: so big. He's trying. He thinks he can talk. I

23
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:17,360
Speaker 1: just I just sit and I play with him, have

24
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:19,240
Speaker 1: conversations and I get the whole baby.

25
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:24,200
Speaker 2: Hey, but you know what I mean, uh Tea.

26
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:28,880
Speaker 1: I just every day when I see him, I just

27
00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:30,679
Speaker 1: think back to when I was playing and I was

28
00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:33,360
Speaker 1: carrying Jordan, and I told somebody the other day, I said,

29
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:38,520
Speaker 1: I can't believe my son has a son, Like wow, just.

30
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:43,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy week. My week has been fantastic.

31
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,760
Speaker 4: I went to Indianapolis this weekend so I could go

32
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:48,320
Speaker 4: see the Colts play, so I saw my football team play,

33
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,120
Speaker 4: and then the very next day I went to see wrestling.

34
00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:54,320
Speaker 4: So I had like an incredible week. I missed all

35
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:57,200
Speaker 4: of the game one stuff. I told y'all I was watching.

36
00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,120
Speaker 2: We weren't expecting to see you.

37
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:02,600
Speaker 4: I didn't, but but I caught up. I was on

38
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,560
Speaker 4: it for game twos. I'll be on it for the

39
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:07,640
Speaker 4: rest of the week. So I'm good. I'm excited. I

40
00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:11,440
Speaker 4: think that that's just sometimes what we need. Like sometimes

41
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,840
Speaker 4: with us being in the basketball space, you gotta take

42
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:19,440
Speaker 4: moments away from basketball, right, Like I don't spend every

43
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:23,440
Speaker 4: day all day thinking about basketball, thinking about the WNBA,

44
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:26,680
Speaker 4: Like I have to find time to do other things

45
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,760
Speaker 4: that bring me joy and make me happy. And this

46
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,320
Speaker 4: weekend was a weekend where I was like I know

47
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,960
Speaker 4: the playoffs is starting. I know everybody gonna be following

48
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,200
Speaker 4: me for playoff takes and stuff, But like, I need

49
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,480
Speaker 4: a moment where I'm not worried about basketball, where I'm

50
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:44,640
Speaker 4: just enjoying being, where I am enjoying hobbies and things

51
00:02:44,639 --> 00:02:46,120
Speaker 4: that I love that don't have nothing to.

52
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:49,280
Speaker 2: Do with work. I'll catch back up with everything later

53
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:50,120
Speaker 2: on in the week.

54
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:53,400
Speaker 1: Because it'll still be there, you know. And it's okay

55
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:57,639
Speaker 1: to take a break from what you do all the time. Yes,

56
00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:01,160
Speaker 1: I love the saying of b where you're feet are right,

57
00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:03,079
Speaker 1: just be present in that moment.

58
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,320
Speaker 2: So yes, and it's easy to catch up on you.

59
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:07,720
Speaker 3: You will? You did?

60
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,360
Speaker 2: Did you miss a lot? I ain't missing.

61
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:10,720
Speaker 1: I mean.

62
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:13,200
Speaker 2: Miss the Phoenix.

63
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,360
Speaker 1: We won't talk about it, but Phoenix in a New

64
00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:17,640
Speaker 1: York Phoenix, Phoenix like that will slip away.

65
00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:18,200
Speaker 2: I'm sair.

66
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:22,760
Speaker 4: Yeah, I caught up, like I rewatched it. I recorded

67
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,280
Speaker 4: all the games on YouTube TV, so I watched it,

68
00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:27,680
Speaker 4: so I saw it. But you're right, I didn't really

69
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:30,120
Speaker 4: miss anything. But I think that plays perfectly into what

70
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:33,440
Speaker 4: our topic is this week, and that's creating boundaries and

71
00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:36,360
Speaker 4: setting boundaries. And I had to mark in my calendar,

72
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,800
Speaker 4: y'all leave me alone on Saturdays and Sunday and Monday

73
00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,880
Speaker 4: because I'm gonna be busy, and so it's just a

74
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:46,240
Speaker 4: perfect segue into what we are going to be discussing today.

75
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:50,040
Speaker 4: So today we have on the show marriage family therapist

76
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:54,960
Speaker 4: Sharna Wilson, who is incredible and I am so.

77
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:55,720
Speaker 2: Excited to talk to her.

78
00:03:55,880 --> 00:04:12,720
Speaker 4: So without further ado, let's go into the next level. Okay, So,

79
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:17,719
Speaker 4: I know, like we always have guests that we're cool

80
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:20,720
Speaker 4: with or friends with, or passionate with and all that

81
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:25,160
Speaker 4: good stuff, but today feels very very different and very

82
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:28,440
Speaker 4: very special, Cheryl, because not only is our guests a

83
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:31,240
Speaker 4: sol roar, so we both have a connection in that way.

84
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:37,720
Speaker 4: But I know, right, but I have known this person

85
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:42,080
Speaker 4: since twenty ten and it's twenty twenty five now, right,

86
00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:47,320
Speaker 4: So that's what fifteen years. And at no point in

87
00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:53,440
Speaker 4: twenty ten did I think, no, feel, nothing like nothing

88
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:56,760
Speaker 4: would have told me in twenty ten that this woman

89
00:04:56,839 --> 00:05:01,840
Speaker 4: would be one of the closest, most supportive, most intelligent

90
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,080
Speaker 4: people that I could ever have in my circle. And

91
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:11,120
Speaker 4: so I am incredibly honored to have Shanna Wilson MFT

92
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:14,800
Speaker 4: SHEEO extraordinaire.

93
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:16,880
Speaker 2: Graphic designer.

94
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:22,520
Speaker 4: Just literally there is an event planner, creative everything, Like,

95
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,800
Speaker 4: there's not a single thing that this woman can do

96
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,080
Speaker 4: or can't touch that can't be great and won't be

97
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:30,479
Speaker 4: great when she's done. So I'm incredibly excited to have

98
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:31,760
Speaker 4: her on the show today.

99
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,000
Speaker 2: So welcome Sharna.

100
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:35,359
Speaker 3: Thank you. Don't be trying to make me cry. I

101
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,920
Speaker 3: don't appreciate you, and I've been.

102
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,880
Speaker 2: Every word of it. I've been every word of it.

103
00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:43,640
Speaker 3: Ah, I am happy to be here, Thanks for having me.

104
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,760
Speaker 2: Welcome sorrow, of course.

105
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:46,640
Speaker 1: And.

106
00:05:48,279 --> 00:05:50,720
Speaker 3: Thank you sorrowy facts.

107
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:53,880
Speaker 4: See, we extra y'all should have never made us both,

108
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:55,760
Speaker 4: as she rose, because it's about to be a mess,

109
00:05:55,800 --> 00:06:03,680
Speaker 4: this whole show. So okay, so listen, charl and I

110
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:07,560
Speaker 4: were having a conversation offline, and we were talking about

111
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,960
Speaker 4: how we both have to do a better job of

112
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,400
Speaker 4: creating boundaries, and we have to do a better job

113
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:19,279
Speaker 4: of just being present, being in the moment and not

114
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,520
Speaker 4: allowing folks to pull us in different directions.

115
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,440
Speaker 2: And I said to her, I had this same.

116
00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:27,960
Speaker 4: Issue and I still do have to get my shit

117
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:31,000
Speaker 4: together from time to time. But I said, the person

118
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:35,839
Speaker 4: who helped me the most with understanding that I need

119
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:39,400
Speaker 4: to create healthy boundaries for myself is my girl, Sharna,

120
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,919
Speaker 4: and that is why we absolutely had to have you

121
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:45,040
Speaker 4: on the show today to kind of talk about this

122
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:48,280
Speaker 4: subject and why it's so important for us, especially as

123
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:52,719
Speaker 4: black women, to create and set healthy boundaries. So before

124
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,359
Speaker 4: I get too deep, can we start with just you

125
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:58,720
Speaker 4: telling us or telling our listeners a little bit more

126
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,720
Speaker 4: about you and what you do.

127
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:06,760
Speaker 3: As an MFT as an MFT. Okay, thank you for specifying,

128
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,560
Speaker 3: but you did let them know I'll be doing a lot.

129
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,520
Speaker 3: But as an MFC.

130
00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:16,240
Speaker 5: As an NFT, I am a marriage and family therapist,

131
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:21,320
Speaker 5: I am a holistic certified holistic marriage and family therapist,

132
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:26,760
Speaker 5: So I tap into emotions and experiences that's super specific

133
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,800
Speaker 5: to my modality what I like to do, and just

134
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:34,240
Speaker 5: you know, our emotions guide everything that we do. Some

135
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,680
Speaker 5: people don't believe that, but I fully believe that we

136
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:40,080
Speaker 5: feel and how we feel indicates how we start thinking

137
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:43,040
Speaker 5: and how we start acting. So it's super important to

138
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,520
Speaker 5: make sure that we don't push our emotions down and

139
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,080
Speaker 5: try to pretend like we don't feel how we feel,

140
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:52,360
Speaker 5: or you know, just let that happen so you gonna

141
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:53,119
Speaker 5: feel how you feel.

142
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:54,640
Speaker 3: You hear it all the time. Oh, you're entitled to

143
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:57,400
Speaker 3: feel how you feel? What are you do? People really

144
00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,000
Speaker 3: let you feel how you feel, not all the time.

145
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,760
Speaker 5: So it's important that you give you space to feel

146
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,640
Speaker 5: how you're gonna feel, and then you decide how you're

147
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,280
Speaker 5: gonna respond after you have felt it, because if you

148
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,600
Speaker 5: try to respond, act and without going through those feelings first,

149
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:14,920
Speaker 5: you're likely to make a poor judgment call, and then

150
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,600
Speaker 5: you have to apologize and redo and regroup and all

151
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,560
Speaker 5: of that. When you just do it from the beginning.

152
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,480
Speaker 5: If you do it first, you don't have to ask

153
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:22,600
Speaker 5: for forgiveness for it later.

154
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:27,240
Speaker 2: Incredibly fair, Chary looked like she's struggle her first of all.

155
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:32,199
Speaker 1: Tea, you know, I'm an emotional person, and Seanna, you

156
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:37,840
Speaker 1: just said so much in that little short span of

157
00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:42,439
Speaker 1: time you were talking. But I feel not I feel

158
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:47,280
Speaker 1: because I shouldn't even say but but as a black woman, though,

159
00:08:48,679 --> 00:08:53,600
Speaker 1: I just feel like we struggle with that, right, like

160
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:58,319
Speaker 1: just letting our emotions out because we know people are

161
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,520
Speaker 1: going to judge us, they're gonna look at us differently,

162
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,840
Speaker 1: and again, just as a black woman, we're held to

163
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:09,840
Speaker 1: a completely different standard than our counterparts. So what advice

164
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:14,160
Speaker 1: do you have for someone that's like, Listen, I'm struggling

165
00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:19,120
Speaker 1: emotionally right now with whatever those emotions are, and I

166
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:19,839
Speaker 1: don't know what to.

167
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,840
Speaker 2: Do with it because I go through that all the time.

168
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:30,679
Speaker 5: Well, as a therapist, I'm going to advocate for therapy.

169
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:35,760
Speaker 5: I'm absolutely going to advocate for finding a neutral party

170
00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:38,760
Speaker 5: who is completely invested in you and is making space

171
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,679
Speaker 5: for you and your feelings and your thought process and

172
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,760
Speaker 5: spending time with them on a regular basis. Our friends

173
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,360
Speaker 5: are great, our family members are great, but they're always

174
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:50,640
Speaker 5: going to be biased. And it's not because they.

175
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,120
Speaker 3: Don't, you know, care, they don't want to be like

176
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:53,760
Speaker 3: I have.

177
00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:55,760
Speaker 5: To explain that to my family and my friends all

178
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,160
Speaker 5: the time. So you know we've had that conversation. I'm

179
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:02,200
Speaker 5: gonna be us as unb as I can, but I

180
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:05,120
Speaker 5: know you, and I know you from a personal place.

181
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:10,040
Speaker 5: So while as a therapist, I know that what the

182
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,760
Speaker 5: most important thing is is for you to come to

183
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:16,000
Speaker 5: a conclusion about how you want to deal with your situation.

184
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,640
Speaker 5: As your friend, I really want you to do it

185
00:10:18,679 --> 00:10:21,360
Speaker 5: this way. I really want you to choose this. But

186
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:25,760
Speaker 5: a therapist, they are their job is to help you

187
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:30,240
Speaker 5: come to your own conclusions, not to put conclusions.

188
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:30,319
Speaker 3: In your mind.

189
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:34,360
Speaker 5: So as far as being black women in these places

190
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,080
Speaker 5: of power, in these places where they don't necessarily accept us,

191
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:40,559
Speaker 5: where we're the angry black woman, where we're the aggressive

192
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,800
Speaker 5: black women, where ooh, you don't want to say too

193
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:44,960
Speaker 5: much cause she gonna pop off, or ooh, better not

194
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,199
Speaker 5: touch her hair before she get an attitude, like in

195
00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:51,400
Speaker 5: those situations, in those spaces, what I can recommend most

196
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,839
Speaker 5: is something that I got from a cousin.

197
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,520
Speaker 3: He used to say all the time that my rage

198
00:10:55,559 --> 00:10:56,319
Speaker 3: is not free.

199
00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:01,400
Speaker 5: My rage is not free. So think about what you

200
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:05,280
Speaker 5: want to give them. You are the first person that

201
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:10,720
Speaker 5: needs to benefit from whatever emotional experience you're having. You

202
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:14,239
Speaker 5: don't have to share that with anybody. So find a corner,

203
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:19,640
Speaker 5: go to the car, go to the restroom, feel, always feel,

204
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,560
Speaker 5: and then you can go back out and give them

205
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,960
Speaker 5: what they need. Like I need a moment, you know,

206
00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:27,560
Speaker 5: turn that camera off if it's a virtual call, quick moment,

207
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:31,920
Speaker 5: turn it off, roll your eyes, fix your face, come back,

208
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:33,720
Speaker 5: and then business as usual.

209
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,040
Speaker 3: But it doesn't mean that you don't you don't deserve

210
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:36,760
Speaker 3: those moments.

211
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,880
Speaker 5: You just don't have to have those moments in front

212
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:41,160
Speaker 5: of them because they don't deserve your moments.

213
00:11:41,679 --> 00:11:42,240
Speaker 3: That's good.

214
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:43,000
Speaker 2: I love that.

215
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:47,000
Speaker 4: I honestly love that my rage is not free for real,

216
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:51,839
Speaker 4: and like I need to really adapt that, like because

217
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,280
Speaker 4: I'll be ready to pop off on everybody's social.

218
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,200
Speaker 2: Media can get these hands. People on zoom can get this.

219
00:11:57,160 --> 00:12:01,480
Speaker 4: Work, everybody can get this work right. Everybody don't deserve

220
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,600
Speaker 4: this work for free. You're right, So let me let

221
00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:06,520
Speaker 4: me go ahead and figure out how to check, how

222
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:09,880
Speaker 4: to check those how to check those moments where it

223
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:12,920
Speaker 4: doesn't necessarily need to be in front of everyone. And

224
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:17,600
Speaker 4: I think part of that honestly rolls into the whole

225
00:12:17,679 --> 00:12:22,280
Speaker 4: idea and concept of boundary setting, right, because maybe you know,

226
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:25,080
Speaker 4: I feel like there are definitely moments where I allow

227
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,800
Speaker 4: people to be in my space and I allow myself

228
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:31,200
Speaker 4: to be more accessible than necessary to even get me

229
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:35,520
Speaker 4: to those points and get me to those moments where

230
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:37,720
Speaker 4: you are you're now doing having me do too much

231
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,680
Speaker 4: or making me feel like you're doing too much. And

232
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,480
Speaker 4: so I guess my first question is, like, what does

233
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:46,760
Speaker 4: a healthy boundary even look like? Like, like, I know

234
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,880
Speaker 4: there's a difference between setting a boundary and then like

235
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:53,040
Speaker 4: being avoidant, and I'm never trying to be like avoidant,

236
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,760
Speaker 4: Like I don't want to avoid you. But maybe there

237
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:59,240
Speaker 4: is a misconception of what a healthy boundary actually looks

238
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,320
Speaker 4: like and so, so is there any way you can

239
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:02,559
Speaker 4: provide some insight on that.

240
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:06,880
Speaker 5: Okay, so a healthy boundary and I'm giving you what

241
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:10,440
Speaker 5: resonates with me. I'm not going to no dictionaries off

242
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,320
Speaker 5: of this right now. But for me, when I am

243
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:18,880
Speaker 5: setting a healthy boundary, I have to look at my expectations,

244
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:24,000
Speaker 5: my expectations of myself, my expectations of others. When I'm

245
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:29,360
Speaker 5: setting a boundary, can I realistically expect the results I'm

246
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,760
Speaker 5: looking for? And if not, then maybe I need to

247
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:35,640
Speaker 5: make an adjustment. So if I'm saying, Okay, my healthy

248
00:13:35,679 --> 00:13:39,360
Speaker 5: boundary is everybody can't have all of my time, I

249
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,800
Speaker 5: gotta be realistic about what time I am gonna let

250
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:42,160
Speaker 5: them have.

251
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:43,280
Speaker 3: Though I can't.

252
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:47,240
Speaker 5: Say, look, you can't get me, but between twelve noon

253
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,280
Speaker 5: and two pm Monday through Friday?

254
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:51,239
Speaker 3: Is that realistic?

255
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,800
Speaker 5: Is that really realistic? Are people going to actually be

256
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:58,000
Speaker 5: able to respect that boundary? And if you set that

257
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:01,720
Speaker 5: up with that limited about don't you might end up

258
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:04,760
Speaker 5: being bombarded between those two hours because now people are

259
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,560
Speaker 5: trying to get you, get to get you. So just

260
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:09,720
Speaker 5: make sure you're being realistic about what you're setting and

261
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:14,080
Speaker 5: what you're doing, and just being consistent. The consistency is

262
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:18,680
Speaker 5: gonna be key when it comes to setting a realistic boundaries.

263
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:22,280
Speaker 5: If you say, all right, these are my office hours,

264
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,720
Speaker 5: and those office hours is changing based off of the

265
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,960
Speaker 5: way the sun rose and the way the sunset that day.

266
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,040
Speaker 3: People don't know how to you know, really respect it.

267
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,760
Speaker 5: It's like, okay, well yesterday it was three to five,

268
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,880
Speaker 5: today is four to six. To borrow it like, and

269
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,920
Speaker 5: they never know when they can or what they can do, how.

270
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:42,240
Speaker 3: They're supposed to respect the boundary.

271
00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:44,440
Speaker 5: Then it does start to look avoidant or people start

272
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,800
Speaker 5: avoiding you, and now nothing's getting done.

273
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:50,760
Speaker 3: I'm over here taking that fair.

274
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,840
Speaker 4: I'm sorry, that's totally fair, because I'm that person.

275
00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:02,600
Speaker 5: Listen, write it down, put it on the mirror.

276
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,960
Speaker 2: Right, that's a boundary I'm steady working on. Yeah, you know,

277
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:08,000
Speaker 2: it's it's hard.

278
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:10,600
Speaker 1: We talk about it a lot, and T and I

279
00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:14,320
Speaker 1: we've had this conversation where and I tell myself, right,

280
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:20,640
Speaker 1: I'm like Okay, I am going to set boundaries for whatever, X,

281
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:21,040
Speaker 1: Y and Z.

282
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:22,760
Speaker 2: It's it's my choice.

283
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:26,600
Speaker 1: I need boundaries because I feel like I'm constantly being

284
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:31,120
Speaker 1: pulled in so many different directions that I don't.

285
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,800
Speaker 2: Have time or take time for me.

286
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:40,440
Speaker 6: And in knowing that and saying that, I do feel

287
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:44,960
Speaker 6: guilty at times because when I do say no, and

288
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,080
Speaker 6: I'm like, listen, no, then I go back and I

289
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:48,600
Speaker 6: think about it.

290
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:52,520
Speaker 1: I'm like, could I have really done that this one time?

291
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:57,680
Speaker 1: So like, what advice would you give someone who is

292
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:02,480
Speaker 1: struggling with that setting the boundaries and then feeling guilty

293
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,880
Speaker 1: for sticking to the boundaries.

294
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:09,280
Speaker 5: Okay, so this one yet I love to pull from

295
00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:11,040
Speaker 5: other people. This is one I got from my mother.

296
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:16,440
Speaker 5: I was struggling with keeping up with a certain standard

297
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,560
Speaker 5: I had set for myself. I was trying to get

298
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,480
Speaker 5: my blog entries in and I needed them to go

299
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:22,280
Speaker 5: out at a certain time on a certain day every

300
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,600
Speaker 5: single time. And I was stressed. Girl, it was too

301
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:28,840
Speaker 5: much going on. And she said to me, they're your rules.

302
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:30,840
Speaker 5: Why can't you just change them.

303
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,000
Speaker 3: You get to change your own rules. You get to

304
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,680
Speaker 3: change your rules to suit you.

305
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:40,560
Speaker 5: They are your boundaries and you can adjust them as

306
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:41,240
Speaker 5: you see fit.

307
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:42,560
Speaker 3: I'm just a.

308
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:46,280
Speaker 5: Firm believer in the over communication part. So if you decide,

309
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,320
Speaker 5: like the example you gave, you know, could I have

310
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:51,120
Speaker 5: done it this one time? The answer is yes. Just

311
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:53,520
Speaker 5: make sure the person you're doing it for understandings that

312
00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:55,880
Speaker 5: you are making an exception to your rule so that

313
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,000
Speaker 5: they don't think that this is now the new norm.

314
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,240
Speaker 3: So I've it.

315
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,320
Speaker 5: It's like, okay, listen, I need you to understand I'm

316
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,800
Speaker 5: about to be in this kind of mode and I'm

317
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:08,080
Speaker 5: gonna make some flexibilities. But understand, this is not my norm.

318
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,560
Speaker 5: This is a special circumstance. So I'm honoring the fact

319
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,280
Speaker 5: that you need me. I want to be there for you,

320
00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:16,520
Speaker 5: and I'm making a special adjustment for this circumstance. Just

321
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:18,879
Speaker 5: understand this might not be the norm. And I know

322
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:22,280
Speaker 5: that that's easier said than done, especially if you're dealing

323
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:26,639
Speaker 5: with feelings of guilt for you know, respecting yourself and

324
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:27,520
Speaker 5: honoring yourself.

325
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:28,959
Speaker 3: Because I'm just gonna call it what it is. That's

326
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:29,320
Speaker 3: what you're doing.

327
00:17:29,359 --> 00:17:31,760
Speaker 5: You feel guilty about taking time for you because everybody

328
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,520
Speaker 5: needs you. It's another black woman complex. It's another black

329
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:37,600
Speaker 5: woman complex. We have having to take care of everybody

330
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:40,040
Speaker 5: and everything, and we end up pouring from that was

331
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,760
Speaker 5: last two drops in our cup because we one got

332
00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:45,560
Speaker 5: but two left and we still pulling little pieces off

333
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:46,639
Speaker 5: to give to other people.

334
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:51,200
Speaker 3: But you got to replenish. You have to, and everybody

335
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:51,760
Speaker 3: knows it.

336
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,000
Speaker 2: They know it.

337
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:58,000
Speaker 5: So if they can't accept that you need time, then

338
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:02,200
Speaker 5: that's a relationship you need to read valuate. It doesn't

339
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:04,680
Speaker 5: mean that necessarily you need to end it, but maybe

340
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,960
Speaker 5: more conversations need to be had, maybe you know, more

341
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,360
Speaker 5: information needs to be given. It just depends on who

342
00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:12,720
Speaker 5: it is. I know, I'm I'm an over communicator. I

343
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:14,640
Speaker 5: know tea could be like this too, where we tell

344
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,080
Speaker 5: everybody what we got going on.

345
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,360
Speaker 3: Well, I actually got this, this, this, this, and this.

346
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,720
Speaker 5: And it's not to brag or to make it seem

347
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,480
Speaker 5: like what we got going on is more important than

348
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,840
Speaker 5: what other people have going on, but it's just giving

349
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:29,960
Speaker 5: you a full picture, letting you see, Okay, I'm gonna

350
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,280
Speaker 5: find a space for you, but my mental process is

351
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,080
Speaker 5: to call out everything else so I can figure out who.

352
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,719
Speaker 3: I'm gonna fit you win, because I intend to fit

353
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:38,080
Speaker 3: you in, but I gotta go through it.

354
00:18:38,119 --> 00:18:40,159
Speaker 5: I gotta see everything on the list, and I'm just

355
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,480
Speaker 5: sharing because I thought this was a safe place where

356
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:45,320
Speaker 5: I could share and so but if they can't accept that,

357
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:46,879
Speaker 5: then okay, maybe I don't need to share as much

358
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,960
Speaker 5: with this person. Maybe I need to have a different

359
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,000
Speaker 5: type of conversation with that person. It's just the communication.

360
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:56,160
Speaker 5: Communication is key in every relationship, every situation. Making sure

361
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:59,639
Speaker 5: people know. I am a firm believer that closed mouths

362
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:03,240
Speaker 5: don't get it fed. I do not expect anybody to

363
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,639
Speaker 5: treat me any kind of way or do anything for

364
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,480
Speaker 5: me if I have not communicated with them.

365
00:19:08,359 --> 00:19:09,800
Speaker 3: How you know you standing on my foot?

366
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,439
Speaker 5: If I'm not saying out and telling you there, you

367
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,280
Speaker 5: don't know you are messing with my boundaries because I

368
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:16,120
Speaker 5: haven't told you.

369
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:17,280
Speaker 3: I didn't tell you.

370
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,200
Speaker 5: You just standing there minding your business, and you don't

371
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,639
Speaker 5: know my foot is under yours. And we as people

372
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:24,800
Speaker 5: have a tendency to think, well they should know, or

373
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,480
Speaker 5: well why don't they know? You not in that person's mind,

374
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,080
Speaker 5: they got a lot of stuff going off of them too,

375
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:33,320
Speaker 5: so they may not realize that they're invading or not

376
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:34,280
Speaker 5: not being considerate.

377
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:37,200
Speaker 3: But if I tell you, you're not being considerate of me,

378
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,080
Speaker 3: and you do it again. We got a different problem.

379
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:41,919
Speaker 3: Now that's a different problem. That's a different problem.

380
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:45,840
Speaker 5: Now you disrespecting me intentionally because I already told you

381
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,639
Speaker 5: what the deal was. But if I didn't tell you,

382
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,359
Speaker 5: I don't expect you to know. And that's that's a

383
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,919
Speaker 5: mean thing. I know people find me, you know, like

384
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,560
Speaker 5: how should do that? But really, if I didn't tell you,

385
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:58,240
Speaker 5: I don't expect you to know anything. Do not expect

386
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,119
Speaker 5: you to know because I didn't tell you, So I'm

387
00:20:00,119 --> 00:20:00,639
Speaker 5: gonna tell you.

388
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,680
Speaker 4: I have that same I have that same issue sometimes too, though,

389
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,840
Speaker 4: because it's one of the reasons why I see people

390
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:07,560
Speaker 4: post this all the time and it gets on my nerves.

391
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,439
Speaker 4: I think I talked about this before two Shod and

392
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:11,439
Speaker 4: they say, I'm not going to tell you what you

393
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:12,640
Speaker 4: did because people know what.

394
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:15,200
Speaker 2: They were doing, and I'm like, no, no, they don't.

395
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,040
Speaker 2: Everybody don't know what they be doing.

396
00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:19,760
Speaker 7: Like I pissed you off, but I ain't. No I

397
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,480
Speaker 7: pissed you off because you ain't tell me that I

398
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,159
Speaker 7: pissed you off. You just assume that I do that

399
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:26,720
Speaker 7: I did or said something. I don't even know what

400
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:27,520
Speaker 7: I did or said.

401
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,480
Speaker 4: Like it could have been a regular Tuesday for me

402
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,280
Speaker 4: and you out here mad for three months, Like right.

403
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:33,200
Speaker 2: You don't know what I did?

404
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:36,800
Speaker 4: Girl, tell me what happened, So that that is truly

405
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:39,199
Speaker 4: a thing that like we really do have to deal with.

406
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:42,200
Speaker 4: But you hit on something when you said feeling guilty,

407
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:47,000
Speaker 4: because I go through that often. I feel so bad

408
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,359
Speaker 4: when I can't. And that's probably our given spirit. We

409
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,199
Speaker 4: want to be there for everybody. We want to do

410
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:56,840
Speaker 4: everything for everybody, and I feel so bad after I

411
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,640
Speaker 4: have to tell somebody no, or after I'm like nah,

412
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,720
Speaker 4: I can't do that, or and in our business, our

413
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:06,520
Speaker 4: schedules change so often, like we don't have the level

414
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,119
Speaker 4: of flexibility. So like one of the boundaries that I

415
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:13,560
Speaker 4: said is being a soar being the president of my chapter.

416
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:18,200
Speaker 4: People are always coming to me for everything, And part

417
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:21,320
Speaker 4: of this is my fault because I have made myself

418
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:25,480
Speaker 4: so accessible and so available that you can text me

419
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,679
Speaker 4: when you have a question, you can call me, if

420
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,400
Speaker 4: you need something, you can hit me up like it's

421
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,639
Speaker 4: one of those things and intatoot my own horn. I

422
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,280
Speaker 4: have gone out of my way to make sure that

423
00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:36,440
Speaker 4: I know everything about everything because I like to be

424
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:38,679
Speaker 4: a form, so they know that they can come to

425
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:41,560
Speaker 4: me and ask me about almost anything and I'll have

426
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:45,439
Speaker 4: an answer. The problem is, as the career continues to grow,

427
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:49,120
Speaker 4: as the schedule continues to get busy, you can't text

428
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,280
Speaker 4: me now all the time like you used to. You

429
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:54,040
Speaker 4: can't hit me up anytime like you used to, And

430
00:21:54,119 --> 00:21:59,080
Speaker 4: so because I don't have consistent every single day, I'm

431
00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:02,080
Speaker 4: free from this time. This time, what I'm now doing

432
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:05,000
Speaker 4: is saying, hey, if you want to hit me, go

433
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:09,840
Speaker 4: to my calendar, look at my availability, and schedule time

434
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:10,520
Speaker 4: to talk to me.

435
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,359
Speaker 2: I'm not being a bitch, I'm not being funny.

436
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:18,120
Speaker 4: I just genuinely cannot just randomly have these conversations anymore,

437
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,520
Speaker 4: and so it is difficult.

438
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,400
Speaker 2: It feels difficult for people to.

439
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:30,280
Speaker 4: Respect that boundary because whenever I still get somebody to

440
00:22:30,359 --> 00:22:33,960
Speaker 4: text me something, my first response is to answer what

441
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,240
Speaker 4: they asking me instead of saying my calendar, Hey, you

442
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,400
Speaker 4: need to go ahead to my calendar and schedule some time, right,

443
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:45,520
Speaker 4: and schedule some time. So my question ultimately is what

444
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:49,439
Speaker 4: can we do better to actually stick to the boundaries

445
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:52,280
Speaker 4: that we set, because it's so easy sometimes to be like, well,

446
00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:54,040
Speaker 4: let me just go ahead and answer this question, or

447
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,080
Speaker 4: let me just go ahead and do blah blah blah blah.

448
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,160
Speaker 4: And it's like, I'm not making it easy for these

449
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:01,439
Speaker 4: people to respect that's what I'm asking them to respect,

450
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:03,879
Speaker 4: because I ain't even respecting what I'm asking them to

451
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:05,000
Speaker 4: And it's not intentional.

452
00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:06,159
Speaker 2: It's just a guilt.

453
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:11,520
Speaker 4: I feel bad if I don't do it.

454
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,280
Speaker 2: It's deep. I know it's a lot.

455
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:17,040
Speaker 3: I'm for my words here, So I don't cut you

456
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:18,119
Speaker 3: out because you don't need that.

457
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:20,920
Speaker 2: Cut me out.

458
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:23,840
Speaker 3: Ye're done, do that, I will do it. You don't.

459
00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:24,960
Speaker 3: You don't need that right now.

460
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:29,439
Speaker 5: Acknowledging what you're saying about feeling guilty and acknowledging what

461
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:33,080
Speaker 5: you're saying about not making it easier for them to

462
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,760
Speaker 5: respect your boundaries. That's really what it boils down to.

463
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:40,960
Speaker 5: That word I use before, consistency. Think about it the

464
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:44,320
Speaker 5: same way you think about a diet or a workout regiment.

465
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:48,280
Speaker 5: You know, if you don't get up at five am

466
00:23:48,359 --> 00:23:51,879
Speaker 5: and go to that gym five days a week, you

467
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:54,840
Speaker 5: not gonna get the results you want. You know, if

468
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:58,040
Speaker 5: you don't cut them carbs or reduce that you know,

469
00:23:58,119 --> 00:24:00,800
Speaker 5: does sugar intake, you're not going to get the results.

470
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:02,919
Speaker 5: And what do you do when you have those situations?

471
00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:04,359
Speaker 5: Do you go get to tell of ice cream? Do

472
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:08,440
Speaker 5: you skip Jim Day? No, you don't. You talk yourself

473
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,200
Speaker 5: into doing what you said you were gonna do so

474
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:12,520
Speaker 5: you can remain consistent.

475
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:15,840
Speaker 3: And the same thing is true with setting your boundaries. Yes,

476
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,480
Speaker 3: it might be easier to just go ahead and respond.

477
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:20,600
Speaker 3: Yes it might be, And I hear that all the

478
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:23,840
Speaker 3: time from people. It's like, but the easiest, the easier

479
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,240
Speaker 3: thing for me is to just go ahead and respond

480
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:26,920
Speaker 3: to get out the way.

481
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:30,440
Speaker 5: But you not teaching these people how to fish. You

482
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,960
Speaker 5: giving men to fish instead of teaching them how to

483
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,040
Speaker 5: fish and teaching them how to be self sufficient. So

484
00:24:35,119 --> 00:24:37,879
Speaker 5: the honest is on you. You got to own it.

485
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,960
Speaker 5: If you don't enforce your own boundaries, you cannot expect

486
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,199
Speaker 5: anybody else to be able to do it.

487
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:46,960
Speaker 3: You can't like ooh, I know te know the answer.

488
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:49,320
Speaker 5: I know she not the treasurer, but she know the

489
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:51,760
Speaker 5: answer to this financial question. I know she not the

490
00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:53,800
Speaker 5: community service chair, but she know what the date is

491
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:57,760
Speaker 5: and she responds faster, let me just do it. That's exact,

492
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:01,960
Speaker 5: Girl's exactly is exactly what it is I know that

493
00:25:02,119 --> 00:25:03,920
Speaker 5: the easiest way for me to get the answer I want.

494
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:06,280
Speaker 5: They're like, like, okay, let me not, let me not ramble.

495
00:25:07,359 --> 00:25:11,520
Speaker 5: I always think, remember mind people that we are grown children,

496
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:14,240
Speaker 5: So think about a toddler. Think about a little kid.

497
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,040
Speaker 5: They know what they want. They gonna badger you until

498
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:19,199
Speaker 5: they get it right, and you gotta tell them no

499
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:22,280
Speaker 5: one hundred times because that one on one they gonna

500
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,879
Speaker 5: do it. We don't change when we become adults. We

501
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:27,120
Speaker 5: just figure out that easier ways for us to get

502
00:25:27,119 --> 00:25:30,760
Speaker 5: what we want. We still gonna test those limits. She

503
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:33,120
Speaker 5: said not to text her, but you know that's one

504
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:35,080
Speaker 5: to text here now, I mean she'll see it when

505
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,960
Speaker 5: she see it, not realize.

506
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:39,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, just this one time, I'm gonna just you know,

507
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:40,200
Speaker 2: I'm gonna.

508
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:41,800
Speaker 5: Send that email at three o'clock in the morning. Then

509
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:43,520
Speaker 5: you know, she'll just see it when she wake up.

510
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:47,120
Speaker 5: They'll know you up at three fifteen and you saw

511
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:50,679
Speaker 5: it at three fifteen, and now you're replying, oh I did.

512
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:51,719
Speaker 3: I just thought you did.

513
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:54,240
Speaker 5: You don't keep the same hours, right, we all keep

514
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:57,120
Speaker 5: these different hours. I had a whole email threat conversation

515
00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:58,880
Speaker 5: with somebody at four am, and she was like, why

516
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:02,880
Speaker 5: are you awake? Because my mind doesn't sleep, so I'm awaken.

517
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,919
Speaker 5: Now I'm replying so because I'm up. But you know,

518
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:08,320
Speaker 5: just you gotta do it.

519
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:09,880
Speaker 3: If it means scheduling.

520
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,359
Speaker 5: The text, scheduling the email, having an auto reply, whatever

521
00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:14,000
Speaker 5: it is, that's going to make it easier for you

522
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,600
Speaker 5: to keep your boundaries the way you said you wanted

523
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:22,840
Speaker 5: them to be, because again they're yours. You created them. Enforcement, consistency,

524
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:26,960
Speaker 5: all those words, just to say those two enforcement and consistence.

525
00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:30,160
Speaker 1: That is on us, like we we do allow that

526
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:33,679
Speaker 1: to happen. So here's a question I have for you.

527
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:39,880
Speaker 1: I'm really good at setting mails boundaries with like friends

528
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:46,080
Speaker 1: and even family. I try to set certain boundaries with

529
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:50,000
Speaker 1: my spouse and it don't go so good.

530
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:55,560
Speaker 2: Your faith sends it all my advice, That's all I'm

531
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,960
Speaker 2: gonna say. Advice setman ain't listening well because.

532
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:03,000
Speaker 1: Example, right like he has his schedule, I have my schedule,

533
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,480
Speaker 1: and he knows on certain days this is what I'm doing,

534
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,639
Speaker 1: even on days when it's like my just my meantime

535
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,280
Speaker 1: and I get the babe, I know it's.

536
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:15,920
Speaker 2: Your day and your U time, But.

537
00:27:17,359 --> 00:27:20,159
Speaker 1: Can you do X, Y and Z for me and

538
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:25,440
Speaker 1: instead of me being like no, I'm like all right, sure,

539
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,920
Speaker 1: but I'm doing it with an attitude and I don't

540
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:29,840
Speaker 1: want to be that person.

541
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:30,880
Speaker 2: I need advice.

542
00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:34,160
Speaker 3: You need to say no.

543
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:36,480
Speaker 2: But that's easier said than done.

544
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:38,320
Speaker 3: It's easier, I mean.

545
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:44,880
Speaker 5: It, absolutely, It is absolutely easier said than done.

546
00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:49,320
Speaker 3: But I can't do it for you. You asked for advice,

547
00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:51,240
Speaker 3: and that's what I can give.

548
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:53,960
Speaker 5: At the end of the day, you gotta take it,

549
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,840
Speaker 5: and you gotta do it because it's you gotta.

550
00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,679
Speaker 3: I have this thing about pain because I was just

551
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:04,320
Speaker 3: talking to somebody about it. I have.

552
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:09,040
Speaker 5: You know, I have tattoos. I have, so there's pain

553
00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:12,240
Speaker 5: that's involved in that process. I don't have the right

554
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:14,040
Speaker 5: to cry. I tell myself, I don't have the right

555
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,960
Speaker 5: to cry while I'm getting a tattoo because it's self inflicted.

556
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,320
Speaker 5: I decided I wanted that, so I need to endure

557
00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:21,720
Speaker 5: what I said I was going to endure. Now, if

558
00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:23,320
Speaker 5: I go to the doctor's office and they tell me

559
00:28:23,359 --> 00:28:24,840
Speaker 5: gow to have a procedure and I ain't asked for

560
00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:25,760
Speaker 5: that procedure.

561
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:27,080
Speaker 3: Or I'm a cry, I'm a holler, I'm a hoop.

562
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:29,680
Speaker 5: Bringing me two three nurses so I can squeeze they

563
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:30,520
Speaker 5: hands and do that.

564
00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:31,919
Speaker 3: Because I didn't ask for that.

565
00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:34,280
Speaker 5: That's not something that I said I wanted, but you're

566
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:37,120
Speaker 5: telling me I need it, so I inflicted. So if

567
00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:40,640
Speaker 5: you are going to tell him yes, why do you

568
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:43,680
Speaker 5: deserve to have an attitude? You chose to say yes.

569
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:48,800
Speaker 5: You could have said no. So if you're gonna agree,

570
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:51,600
Speaker 5: you need to agree with a smile because you don't

571
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:55,880
Speaker 5: have to agree. It's not your fault. Like he even

572
00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:58,960
Speaker 5: prefaced it for you. I know this your time, you're.

573
00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:02,320
Speaker 3: Supposed to be doing this, but I need this. Do

574
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:04,960
Speaker 3: you think you could? Why do you get to have

575
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:06,480
Speaker 3: an attitude you're gonna say yes?

576
00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:09,400
Speaker 2: Just say no.

577
00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:12,880
Speaker 5: I'm gonna tell you one better. He already know you

578
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:15,720
Speaker 5: have the right to say no. That's why he prefaced

579
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:18,400
Speaker 5: it the way that he did. He knows that you

580
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:19,760
Speaker 5: are well within your right.

581
00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:23,560
Speaker 2: To tell him hell dada nah, but he.

582
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:26,560
Speaker 3: Doesn't expect you to because you never do Yeah.

583
00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:29,480
Speaker 4: I was just about to say, he sounded like somebody else.

584
00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:32,680
Speaker 4: I know he asking you because you never say no.

585
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:36,120
Speaker 4: And that's why he gonna keep saying yeah, because he

586
00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:37,400
Speaker 4: know you don't never say no.

587
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:41,920
Speaker 5: M All right, I gotta work on and I'm not

588
00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:45,520
Speaker 5: saying it needs to be abrupt. I think that the

589
00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:47,760
Speaker 5: way you could kind of soften it is maybe just

590
00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:50,280
Speaker 5: you don't kind of have a conversation, like babe. I

591
00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:52,120
Speaker 5: know I've been saying yes a lot, but I'm working

592
00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:54,520
Speaker 5: on my boundaries and I'm working on making sure that

593
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:56,840
Speaker 5: I can do things in a way that's healthier for me.

594
00:29:57,360 --> 00:29:59,840
Speaker 5: So I'm about to start trying to say no. So

595
00:30:00,080 --> 00:30:04,040
Speaker 5: understand that my nose. It's not an I hate you.

596
00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:05,920
Speaker 5: It doesn't mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean

597
00:30:05,960 --> 00:30:08,440
Speaker 5: that I don't care. But it's me working on a

598
00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:11,600
Speaker 5: boundary and I need to practice with you because I

599
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:14,200
Speaker 5: already know how you feel about me. I need to

600
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,000
Speaker 5: get better with the people who don't care about me.

601
00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:19,920
Speaker 5: So if I can enforce my boundaries better with people

602
00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:23,400
Speaker 5: who do care, it's gonna make astronomical leaps with the

603
00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:25,960
Speaker 5: people who don't care about me. I gotta get better

604
00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:27,200
Speaker 5: here so I can do there.

605
00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:29,280
Speaker 2: Okay for you, m.

606
00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:33,560
Speaker 4: That's really good. I'm a listen to this back so

607
00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:34,600
Speaker 4: I can say that's to Greg.

608
00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:42,600
Speaker 2: Greg, I cannot go to the Doye cleaners today. Only

609
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:43,520
Speaker 2: you know what's crazy.

610
00:30:43,560 --> 00:30:47,440
Speaker 4: The only day that I can get people to respect

611
00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:52,560
Speaker 4: my boundary with no questions asked is some days during

612
00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:56,080
Speaker 4: NFL season. And you were absolutely correct that that comes

613
00:30:56,120 --> 00:31:01,040
Speaker 4: with consistency, because nobody and they Mama, no, Dad, come

614
00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:04,840
Speaker 4: football Sunday. Don't ask me to do shit. I ain't

615
00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:07,840
Speaker 4: got nothing for you. I'm not going nowhere. I'm not

616
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:10,680
Speaker 4: able to come to your event. I am not able

617
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:12,920
Speaker 4: to speak at your nothing. If you got a meeting,

618
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:15,400
Speaker 4: I'm sorry, it better be between the end of the

619
00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:18,160
Speaker 4: four o'clock game and the start of Sunday night football.

620
00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:23,680
Speaker 4: Otherwise I can't make it. And everybody knows this, and

621
00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:29,160
Speaker 4: you you are right because consistent you've been communting with

622
00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:34,680
Speaker 4: communicating that yeap, yeap, And I absolutely say no, Hey,

623
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:36,360
Speaker 4: can you come at three three fifteen?

624
00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:38,120
Speaker 2: Oh no, I ain't gonna be able to make that.

625
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:44,920
Speaker 2: Nah the coach. I can't do that. I can't make it.

626
00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:49,440
Speaker 3: No, I'm good. It's with this, you can.

627
00:31:51,320 --> 00:31:53,720
Speaker 5: Just I just be watching for you on social because

628
00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:56,680
Speaker 5: I know when I just lie to a message, I know.

629
00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:58,400
Speaker 2: You do one hundred percent.

630
00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:00,960
Speaker 4: They tagging me, you better tag me at eleven fifty

631
00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:03,600
Speaker 4: nine because I'm telling you at twelve o'clock. I'm watching pregame.

632
00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:06,040
Speaker 4: I ain't got shit for you, bro, nothing, cur you

633
00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:07,480
Speaker 4: stupid nothing.

634
00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:09,600
Speaker 3: I'm so serious.

635
00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:13,440
Speaker 4: Though it's been it's been awesome when we come back

636
00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:15,440
Speaker 4: because we got to take a quick short break. But

637
00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:18,320
Speaker 4: when we come back, we have a few more questions

638
00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:21,720
Speaker 4: for Sharna, and I got something funny for Suerol that

639
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:39,480
Speaker 4: she's gonna laugh at. So stay with me, Sharona. One

640
00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:42,560
Speaker 4: thing that I have often wondered, and I would love

641
00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:46,400
Speaker 4: your perspective on this is the role that maybe cultural

642
00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:50,400
Speaker 4: and family dynamics play in boundary setting, Like as we're

643
00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:53,280
Speaker 4: growing up, there are certain things that especially in the

644
00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:56,160
Speaker 4: black household, it's certain things you can't say. It's certain

645
00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:58,640
Speaker 4: things you can't do. It's certain people that you can't

646
00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:01,000
Speaker 4: say no to, like my Mama's something I can't tell

647
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:05,160
Speaker 4: my mama no like and granted it might be something

648
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:07,520
Speaker 4: that I should, but it's like you can't.

649
00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:09,760
Speaker 2: You can't say no to that. You can't you can't

650
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:10,520
Speaker 2: do these things.

651
00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:14,600
Speaker 4: And so often wonder in your expertise, like how much

652
00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:19,600
Speaker 4: does family dynamics and cultural upbringing, how much of a

653
00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:22,560
Speaker 4: role does that play? And being able to being able

654
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:24,160
Speaker 4: to set healthy boundaries.

655
00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:26,040
Speaker 2: When you're an adult, it.

656
00:33:26,440 --> 00:33:30,959
Speaker 5: Definitely plays a significant role because we become conditioned and

657
00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:34,240
Speaker 5: in that conditioning, like you said, you can't say no,

658
00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:36,920
Speaker 5: you can't express this, you can't. Now, I'm gonna be

659
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:41,160
Speaker 5: completely honest. I am an anomaly. I have been the

660
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:46,120
Speaker 5: why girl my entire life. Do this why I'm talking

661
00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:47,880
Speaker 5: about from a small child.

662
00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:48,320
Speaker 3: Why.

663
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:51,800
Speaker 5: If I don't understand why, you're gonna get a lot

664
00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:53,880
Speaker 5: of reluctance from me. And it doesn't mean I have

665
00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:56,440
Speaker 5: to agree with the why. I just want to understand.

666
00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:57,960
Speaker 5: I want to understand.

667
00:33:57,480 --> 00:34:01,680
Speaker 3: Why so because I said to, just because that's never

668
00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:03,080
Speaker 3: worked very well for me.

669
00:34:03,360 --> 00:34:05,760
Speaker 5: But I do understand because you know, even in you know,

670
00:34:05,800 --> 00:34:08,560
Speaker 5: the black household I grew up in. Yeah, Mama said

671
00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:10,000
Speaker 5: do what you're supposed to do it, Daddy said, do what

672
00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:12,920
Speaker 5: you're supposed to do it. And so when it comes

673
00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:15,080
Speaker 5: to setting those boundaries in the future, because you do

674
00:34:15,280 --> 00:34:18,560
Speaker 5: do get conditioned, even down to giving hugs to people

675
00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:21,520
Speaker 5: that you don't necessarily want to, because you're not supposed

676
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,640
Speaker 5: to turn down Auntie, uncle, Grandma's hugs and kids that

677
00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:26,359
Speaker 5: you're supposed to take those. And if you you know,

678
00:34:26,560 --> 00:34:28,839
Speaker 5: you don't like that, you might that might bleed over

679
00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:31,480
Speaker 5: into how you interact with other people and your autonomy

680
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:34,000
Speaker 5: even over your own body. When you're trying to make

681
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:37,560
Speaker 5: decisions with other people, you're reluctant to tell people no,

682
00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:40,359
Speaker 5: just depending on who they are to you. So it

683
00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:46,520
Speaker 5: really just becomes again therapy. Therapy is super helpful because

684
00:34:47,320 --> 00:34:50,040
Speaker 5: more communication, more conversations.

685
00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:52,040
Speaker 3: You want to talk to people.

686
00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:57,680
Speaker 5: About your wives and giving them you know what they

687
00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:01,759
Speaker 5: necessarily need to help respect those boundaries, and also understanding

688
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:05,359
Speaker 5: that even if they don't, it doesn't mean that you're

689
00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:09,239
Speaker 5: not entitled to setting them. It just means it might

690
00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:13,160
Speaker 5: change the dynamic of the relationship. I know, I have

691
00:35:13,239 --> 00:35:16,160
Speaker 5: been very blessed with the mother that I have. She

692
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:20,040
Speaker 5: is amazing. I have had times where I have had

693
00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:23,280
Speaker 5: to explain these are my feelings, these are the things,

694
00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:25,440
Speaker 5: and this is my why, and she listens to that

695
00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:26,640
Speaker 5: and she makes adjustments.

696
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:28,640
Speaker 3: So I'm very blessed to have that.

697
00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:31,759
Speaker 5: But I do recognize that everybody doesn't have that, so

698
00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:35,560
Speaker 5: sometimes it becomes having to repeat it more times with

699
00:35:35,640 --> 00:35:38,279
Speaker 5: letting them know, listen, this doesn't mean I don't love you,

700
00:35:38,360 --> 00:35:39,920
Speaker 5: This doesn't mean that I don't want to.

701
00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:42,360
Speaker 3: It just means that this is what my ability is,

702
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:43,040
Speaker 3: and this is the.

703
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:45,960
Speaker 5: Only way I'm going to be able to in this situation,

704
00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:49,840
Speaker 5: and being willing to stick to those things. It is

705
00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:52,839
Speaker 5: okay for the dynamics of a relationship to change. It

706
00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:56,200
Speaker 5: is especially when you're now an adult. You're not a

707
00:35:56,200 --> 00:35:58,560
Speaker 5: little kid. They can't put you in time out. They

708
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:00,440
Speaker 5: can't give you a whooping and send you to your room.

709
00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:02,520
Speaker 3: They can't. They can't do those things.

710
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:05,520
Speaker 5: So an exercise I often do with my clients as

711
00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:08,360
Speaker 5: I ask them, what's the worst thing that could happen

712
00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:12,839
Speaker 5: if you say no? And then we talked through what

713
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:16,400
Speaker 5: your options are. Okay, if the worst possible thing that

714
00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:18,480
Speaker 5: could happen is they cut you off, all right, how

715
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:20,680
Speaker 5: do you feel about being cut off? What does that

716
00:36:20,719 --> 00:36:24,000
Speaker 5: mean for these other things? Okay? The best choice is

717
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:27,000
Speaker 5: the one you can live with. The best choice for

718
00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:28,719
Speaker 5: you is the one you can live with. So if

719
00:36:28,760 --> 00:36:31,320
Speaker 5: you can't live with it, you gotta make a new choice.

720
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:33,879
Speaker 5: But if you can, then it's the right choice for you.

721
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:38,279
Speaker 2: That's so good, that's very good, so good.

722
00:36:39,400 --> 00:36:43,120
Speaker 1: I already have one last thing, and it's really it's

723
00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:47,000
Speaker 1: a question because I went through it and to you

724
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:51,040
Speaker 1: and I talked about it a couple episodes ago, Searana,

725
00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:55,960
Speaker 1: What advice would you give someone who is struggling right now,

726
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:59,680
Speaker 1: right saying I really need to set my boundaries, but

727
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:02,040
Speaker 1: I I don't know where to start or where to begin.

728
00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:07,680
Speaker 1: What advice would you give someone on just beginning, like

729
00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:10,280
Speaker 1: where to start on setting their boundaries?

730
00:37:11,680 --> 00:37:15,400
Speaker 5: Ideally, I would say go to therapy. That's that's my hashtag,

731
00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:17,640
Speaker 5: go to therapy. I'm always going to tell people they

732
00:37:17,640 --> 00:37:20,239
Speaker 5: should go to therapy to get that assistance. But if

733
00:37:20,239 --> 00:37:24,640
Speaker 5: that's not a realistic option for you, then take some

734
00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:28,680
Speaker 5: time to sit down and tell yourself what you want

735
00:37:28,719 --> 00:37:32,120
Speaker 5: your life to look like. Set up a scenario for yourself.

736
00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:36,960
Speaker 5: What does your perfect situation look like? Okay, how do

737
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:40,239
Speaker 5: you get there? What can you do to contribute to

738
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:44,799
Speaker 5: making that possible? Had that conversation with my sister recently, Hey,

739
00:37:45,160 --> 00:37:46,960
Speaker 5: what's the perfect work situation for you?

740
00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:48,760
Speaker 3: ABCD?

741
00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:52,279
Speaker 5: Okay, because you're an employee and not the boss, I'm

742
00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:54,040
Speaker 5: the boss, so you know when it comes to that,

743
00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:56,640
Speaker 5: whatever I want to happen, I can make happen. But

744
00:37:56,719 --> 00:37:58,560
Speaker 5: for her, she's not the boss, so it's like Okay,

745
00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:01,680
Speaker 5: you got ABC, and which of those things.

746
00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:05,719
Speaker 3: Do you have control over? See? All right, start with C.

747
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:11,400
Speaker 5: Start making boundaries around see, and then start having conversations

748
00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:14,279
Speaker 5: with the people who can contribute to what you do

749
00:38:14,320 --> 00:38:17,480
Speaker 5: and don't have control over. So, if you're sitting at

750
00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:21,480
Speaker 5: home and you've got three kids, you've got two jobs,

751
00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:24,360
Speaker 5: what do you have control over? Do you have control

752
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:27,040
Speaker 5: over bedtime? Can the kids go to bed thirty minutes

753
00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:29,680
Speaker 5: earlier so you can have thirty minutes to yourself to

754
00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:31,760
Speaker 5: help you think and sit down and make that list.

755
00:38:32,320 --> 00:38:36,520
Speaker 5: Start there. Start there, is you know, is the youngest

756
00:38:36,520 --> 00:38:39,360
Speaker 5: one getting up four or five times because they need water,

757
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:41,680
Speaker 5: They need to help pop a wasphs dishes, they need

758
00:38:41,760 --> 00:38:45,600
Speaker 5: to put the toys away, do all that early dishes

759
00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:48,879
Speaker 5: already washed, toys already put away. It's bedtime, getting that bed.

760
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:51,640
Speaker 5: So start with what you have control over, whatever you

761
00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:53,800
Speaker 5: have control over, because it's just gonna be the easiest

762
00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:56,880
Speaker 5: for you to work with, right if you can control it.

763
00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:57,440
Speaker 3: Start there.

764
00:38:57,480 --> 00:38:59,200
Speaker 5: They you know how they say with women when we

765
00:38:59,239 --> 00:39:01,799
Speaker 5: go through somethings, first thing we do is cut our hair,

766
00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:04,399
Speaker 5: because you know, we change our hair, change the color,

767
00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:07,200
Speaker 5: change the style, change something about it. But why because

768
00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:09,840
Speaker 5: we have control over that right. We can't control anything

769
00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:11,959
Speaker 5: else in our situation, but we can control the length

770
00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:13,959
Speaker 5: of our hair, the color of our hair, the style

771
00:39:14,000 --> 00:39:16,640
Speaker 5: of our hair. So we go to that same thing,

772
00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:20,400
Speaker 5: same thing. Start with what you got control over, and

773
00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:22,640
Speaker 5: then make gradual, gradual moves.

774
00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:24,719
Speaker 3: Because we don't live in a we don't live in

775
00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:25,280
Speaker 3: a vacuum.

776
00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:28,319
Speaker 5: We don't live in a vacuum. We are impacted by

777
00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:33,000
Speaker 5: other people, other situations, the world, society, all those things

778
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:36,880
Speaker 5: impact us, and we have very little control, very little control.

779
00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:43,399
Speaker 5: So that can be overwhelming because lack of control, loss

780
00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:48,600
Speaker 5: of control can produce anxiety. In the calmest, most well

781
00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:50,920
Speaker 5: put together person, if they start to feel like they

782
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:53,239
Speaker 5: lose and control of their situation, they're gonna start to

783
00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:56,760
Speaker 5: get angst. Just work with what you have control over,

784
00:39:57,200 --> 00:40:01,359
Speaker 5: those little things that work your way out, and then

785
00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:02,200
Speaker 5: find a therapist.

786
00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:05,960
Speaker 3: I have to find a therapist.

787
00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:11,160
Speaker 2: Bide a therapist. Oh my god, go to therapy.

788
00:40:11,920 --> 00:40:14,120
Speaker 3: That's the hashtag, go to therapy.

789
00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:18,160
Speaker 4: I absolutely love that, Sharna. You've been such a blast

790
00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:22,319
Speaker 4: to talk to. Man I just I absolutely love this conversation.

791
00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:25,840
Speaker 4: Everything that we've done and had it's the bomb. Please

792
00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:29,640
Speaker 4: tell the people where they can find you if they

793
00:40:29,680 --> 00:40:32,360
Speaker 4: want to reach out to you, if they want to

794
00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:34,400
Speaker 4: learn more about what you do, if they want to

795
00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:36,360
Speaker 4: contact you for your many services.

796
00:40:36,760 --> 00:40:38,640
Speaker 2: Please tell the people where they can find you.

797
00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:41,640
Speaker 3: So I am on all social media handles.

798
00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:44,439
Speaker 5: I got Facebook, well not TikTok me and TikTok got

799
00:40:44,440 --> 00:40:45,719
Speaker 5: an interest in relationship.

800
00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:48,120
Speaker 3: So don't look for me there, young ones. I know

801
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:48,960
Speaker 3: y'all love it there.

802
00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:53,960
Speaker 5: I do not, sorry, but I am on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,

803
00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:57,440
Speaker 5: and LinkedIn. Those are my social handle. It's Embracing Emotion.

804
00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:00,920
Speaker 5: You look up Embracing Emotion, you can find me.

805
00:41:02,920 --> 00:41:03,640
Speaker 3: I have a.

806
00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:06,759
Speaker 5: Psychology Today profile. You look up my name, I'm there.

807
00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:12,200
Speaker 5: And then I have my blog website, Yes, Embracing emotionthblog

808
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:15,719
Speaker 5: dot com that will link you to every platform you

809
00:41:15,760 --> 00:41:16,319
Speaker 5: can find me.

810
00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:19,640
Speaker 2: I love that.

811
00:41:20,040 --> 00:41:23,480
Speaker 4: Well, thank you so much for spending some time with

812
00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:26,719
Speaker 4: me and spending some time with us and really like

813
00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:29,200
Speaker 4: helping us to get better at boundary setting. And I

814
00:41:29,239 --> 00:41:32,759
Speaker 4: promise I'm gonna do exactly what I said I was gonna.

815
00:41:32,800 --> 00:41:35,400
Speaker 4: I promise I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do. So

816
00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:37,680
Speaker 4: I know that's what I'm saying, I ain't trying to

817
00:41:37,719 --> 00:41:40,839
Speaker 4: be in trouble. I'm sick of being in trouble. I'm

818
00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:41,960
Speaker 4: sick trouble.

819
00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:43,320
Speaker 2: Oh my god.

820
00:41:43,480 --> 00:41:46,600
Speaker 4: But thank you so much for joining us. I told

821
00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:48,480
Speaker 4: y'all I had something funny for scherl. I'm gonna tell

822
00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:50,880
Speaker 4: y'all on the other side of the break, So stay

823
00:41:50,880 --> 00:42:07,640
Speaker 4: with us, and thank you again, Sharnas. I told you

824
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:11,319
Speaker 4: that we were going to need this conversation, and I

825
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:13,759
Speaker 4: absolutely needed this conversation.

826
00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:19,800
Speaker 1: I don't think we can ever talk enough about just

827
00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:24,800
Speaker 1: creating your boundaries and sticking to them. That's one of

828
00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:27,040
Speaker 1: the toughest things for me, because I will and like

829
00:42:27,120 --> 00:42:30,560
Speaker 1: we talked about, I will say I am not doing X,

830
00:42:30,719 --> 00:42:35,200
Speaker 1: Y or Z or I'm only doing it under these circumstances,

831
00:42:36,440 --> 00:42:37,320
Speaker 1: but I can never.

832
00:42:37,239 --> 00:42:37,919
Speaker 2: Stick to it.

833
00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:44,320
Speaker 1: I just appreciate Sharna sharing her wisdom and advice and

834
00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:48,400
Speaker 1: everything that she had to say. Sis was absolutely something

835
00:42:48,520 --> 00:42:50,520
Speaker 1: I needed to hear for sure.

836
00:42:50,560 --> 00:42:52,600
Speaker 4: And remember I told you that I had something funny

837
00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:56,319
Speaker 4: that I was going to tell you did I did so.

838
00:42:56,440 --> 00:42:58,279
Speaker 4: I was I was getting ready to put something in

839
00:42:58,320 --> 00:43:01,960
Speaker 4: my calendar and somebody was asking me, my fine, I

840
00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:04,640
Speaker 4: can't listen, and they said, because you're about to crack up.

841
00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:07,439
Speaker 4: And I said, I said, no, I have a nail

842
00:43:07,440 --> 00:43:09,799
Speaker 4: appointment at this time, but if we can switch it out,

843
00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:11,880
Speaker 4: And they were like, well, is it possible that you

844
00:43:11,880 --> 00:43:12,920
Speaker 4: can move your nil appointment?

845
00:43:12,920 --> 00:43:18,040
Speaker 3: And I said, do you know who I am? Do

846
00:43:18,120 --> 00:43:18,759
Speaker 3: you know who I am?

847
00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:24,280
Speaker 4: I'm not moving my nail appointment for you.

848
00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:26,480
Speaker 2: And if you don't know who I am, let me

849
00:43:26,640 --> 00:43:28,920
Speaker 2: just tell you who I am. Can I say it

850
00:43:28,960 --> 00:43:33,160
Speaker 2: when I tell Shiryl? Oh my god, that's hilarious. Did

851
00:43:33,200 --> 00:43:35,239
Speaker 2: you really ask me to move my nail appointment so

852
00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:37,640
Speaker 2: I could come? Do you know a couple of things.

853
00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:39,399
Speaker 2: I don't care who you are, it's a couple of things.

854
00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:41,680
Speaker 1: You never asked a woman to change her hair appointment

855
00:43:41,719 --> 00:43:46,239
Speaker 1: or her nail appointment, sobolutely, but I'm proud of you.

856
00:43:46,920 --> 00:43:48,320
Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you.

857
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:52,600
Speaker 4: Because, yeah, you know me, and I wouldn't be like, well,

858
00:43:52,640 --> 00:43:54,959
Speaker 4: let me see, let me take and see.

859
00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:58,640
Speaker 2: Let me check and see if I got free off Friday. No,

860
00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:03,719
Speaker 2: this time, I was like, absolutely, I could have moved

861
00:44:03,719 --> 00:44:08,320
Speaker 2: mynother appointment, but absolutely not. That's crazy. How about that? Anyway?

862
00:44:08,600 --> 00:44:10,200
Speaker 4: I just knew that you would find out other because

863
00:44:10,200 --> 00:44:14,359
Speaker 4: I literally was like, yeah, I.

864
00:44:14,239 --> 00:44:14,919
Speaker 2: Love it this way.

865
00:44:15,600 --> 00:44:19,360
Speaker 4: Sis, please go ahead and get us up pointing out here,

866
00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:21,200
Speaker 4: because I know you're gonna level us up with something good.

867
00:44:21,680 --> 00:44:24,840
Speaker 2: Listen. This isn't a quote. Maybe it is. It's not

868
00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:27,480
Speaker 2: a quote. It's just something that I feel like we

869
00:44:27,560 --> 00:44:29,120
Speaker 2: need to here with.

870
00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:33,560
Speaker 1: I just think all of us are going through something

871
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:37,400
Speaker 1: with with this climate that we're living in today, Sis,

872
00:44:37,440 --> 00:44:41,279
Speaker 1: and we need to to put our trust in our

873
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:45,359
Speaker 1: faith in a in a higher being, whoever you call

874
00:44:45,440 --> 00:44:46,440
Speaker 1: a higher being for me.

875
00:44:46,480 --> 00:44:48,680
Speaker 2: That's that's God. Same.

876
00:44:50,760 --> 00:44:55,279
Speaker 1: So it says, and I sorry, I have to say

877
00:44:55,280 --> 00:44:57,839
Speaker 1: this because I've been going through some stuff and I

878
00:44:57,880 --> 00:44:58,680
Speaker 1: sit and I question.

879
00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:02,040
Speaker 2: I'm like God, why, And I found this.

880
00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:07,280
Speaker 1: It says God will literally sit you down and break

881
00:45:07,320 --> 00:45:12,719
Speaker 1: you to humble you, then will isolate you to build you,

882
00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:18,040
Speaker 1: then give you back everything ten times to prove to

883
00:45:18,080 --> 00:45:21,480
Speaker 1: you he's real and everything is for a reason.

884
00:45:22,360 --> 00:45:29,280
Speaker 2: Keep your trust in him. Mm hm hmm. It's hard

885
00:45:29,560 --> 00:45:31,880
Speaker 2: right now. It is hard to sit down and just

886
00:45:32,520 --> 00:45:33,960
Speaker 2: it's hard. It's hard.

887
00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:38,000
Speaker 1: So I hope I hope that resonates with somebody that

888
00:45:38,120 --> 00:45:42,640
Speaker 1: might be, you know, questioning whatever going through something dealing

889
00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:46,520
Speaker 1: with something, just keep your trust in him.

890
00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:48,960
Speaker 2: I love that that great way.

891
00:45:49,280 --> 00:45:51,560
Speaker 4: I needed that as well, and that is a great

892
00:45:51,600 --> 00:45:56,279
Speaker 4: way to end this episode of Levels to This. So

893
00:45:56,320 --> 00:46:00,160
Speaker 4: you guys keep keep hanging with us now, and we

894
00:46:00,200 --> 00:46:02,600
Speaker 4: appreciate each and every one of you that continue to

895
00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:03,560
Speaker 4: listen to our show.

896
00:46:04,360 --> 00:46:06,840
Speaker 2: If you have not yet, please leave.

897
00:46:06,719 --> 00:46:09,040
Speaker 4: Us a review in the Apple Podcasts.

898
00:46:09,840 --> 00:46:11,399
Speaker 2: We read the reviews. We love it.

899
00:46:11,480 --> 00:46:13,799
Speaker 4: We absolutely love when you guys leave us messages, or

900
00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:16,480
Speaker 4: you can definitely email us at Levels to This Podcast

901
00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:18,680
Speaker 4: at gmail dot com and tell us what you.

902
00:46:18,640 --> 00:46:20,440
Speaker 2: Thought of this this week's show.

903
00:46:20,840 --> 00:46:24,640
Speaker 4: Follow us on Instagram at lttpot and remember, keep your

904
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:27,760
Speaker 4: mentals ground level and we will be back next week.

905
00:46:28,640 --> 00:46:28,960
Speaker 3: Peace.

906
00:46:33,400 --> 00:46:37,960
Speaker 1: Listen to Levels to This on America's number one podcast network, iHeart.

907
00:46:38,280 --> 00:46:40,799
Speaker 1: Open your free iHeart app and search Levels to This

908
00:46:40,920 --> 00:46:44,120
Speaker 1: with Cheryl Swoops and Tarika Foster Brasby and start listening.