Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea.
Speaker 2: I am in parenting mode. I have so many things.
Speaker 2: I have so many children. I have the two Bopsy twins,
Speaker 2: Jesse and Katie, my two sixteen year old twins that
Speaker 2: I am the father too. And I now with Doug,
Speaker 2: we have a family of six again. Kelly and I
Speaker 2: have four children. Doug is making Bernice play, which is
Speaker 2: so cute.
Speaker 3: I was gonna say, how is she adjusting?
Speaker 2: She's not interested in Doug. She's not interested in much.
Speaker 2: But he needs to exercise, he needs to expend his
Speaker 2: energy because he is a fucking lunatic. But he's not
Speaker 2: driving me crazy. I love it because he's patty trained.
Speaker 2: The only really thing I can't deal with is not
Speaker 2: being housebroken, because I can't clean up urine effectively. I
Speaker 2: just get new carpets, and that is expensive after a while.
Speaker 2: But he doesn't come in the bed because Bernice and
Speaker 2: I sleep together and he knows that that's not his
Speaker 2: and she'll go in on him if he tries to
Speaker 2: get in. And we were at the dog park the
Speaker 2: other day and there was a huge dog and Doug
Speaker 2: is running like Doug runs, and and then he ran
Speaker 2: on the dock and the lake is frozen, but not
Speaker 2: completely frozen because it's been a pretty lame winter. So
Speaker 2: I was like, oh my god, and I'm running to
Speaker 2: get him because if he falls in the lake, like
Speaker 2: it's over. And I start running and a running, and
Speaker 2: all of a sudden, you know, he comes back to me.
Speaker 1: Finally.
Speaker 2: He's not great at listening, but I don't ever think
Speaker 2: any of my dogs will become great at listening. And
Speaker 2: Bernice had run after me, after him, and I turned
Speaker 2: around and she I haven't seen her run in years,
Speaker 2: and she was running towards me.
Speaker 1: I mean, I ran to you.
Speaker 2: Honestly, my heart just bursts open every time I look
Speaker 2: at her little face. She is the sweetest and she's
Speaker 2: good and so oh. So then there was this big
Speaker 2: dog and Dug is running back and forth the dog,
Speaker 2: and then the dog just kind of pounced on Bernice
Speaker 2: and she looked at him with like the biggest fuck
Speaker 2: you eyes I'd ever seen. She was like, get the
Speaker 2: fuck away from me, asshole. And I was like, that
Speaker 2: is my daughter, yea, that is my daughter. I raised
Speaker 2: her to be that have that attitude, and I love
Speaker 2: it to see it.
Speaker 3: We love her just the way she is for having
Speaker 3: that attitude.
Speaker 2: She's so cute. I mean, she is transitioning into the
Speaker 2: next part of her life, which is heaven, well, the
Speaker 2: next part of her afterlife. But it's okay because I'm
Speaker 2: just we're so bonded now.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 2: She puts her paws on my bed when she wants
Speaker 2: me to pick her up because she can't jump, so
Speaker 2: she puts her paws on my bed frame.
Speaker 1: And I mean every.
Speaker 2: Time she does it, I'm like, oh God, come here.
Speaker 2: She's so sweet. I had no idea I was missing
Speaker 2: out on all this love with her because Bert stole
Speaker 2: me from her. Yeah, full body.
Speaker 3: You know, some dogs are just bossy like that, like
Speaker 3: we are, little Lottie. She anytime I go to give
Speaker 3: Mimsy are older dog some love, she like busts in
Speaker 3: front of her.
Speaker 1: She's very bossing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, dog is doing that too. But I just
Speaker 2: tell Doug to fuck off that. Bernie is my number one.
Speaker 2: Bert is the past, Bernice is the present, and Doug
Speaker 2: is the future. Oh hell, lovely, that's what Jesse said yesterday. Yeah,
Speaker 2: because I was like yeah, and I was like very
Speaker 2: eloquist sort of Okay, So today we have a very
Speaker 2: exciting guest. She's a very old friend of mine, and
Speaker 2: she wrote.
Speaker 1: A new book.
Speaker 2: Her book is called Think You'll Be Happy, Moving through
Speaker 2: Grief with grit, grace, and gratitude. Her next project is
Speaker 2: six Triple Eight, the true story of a black, all
Speaker 2: female battalion in World War Two, starring Kerrie Washington, coming
Speaker 2: to Netflix this year. So welcome to the podcast, Nicole
Speaker 2: a Vant.
Speaker 1: Thank you. I'm happy to be here.
Speaker 2: Very happy to have you because you wrote a very
Speaker 2: beautiful book. Among other other things that you've accomplished in
Speaker 2: your life, which are many. Recently, you published a beautiful
Speaker 2: book called Think You'll Be Happy, which is about grief
Speaker 2: and specifically your own grief related to your mother dying
Speaker 2: very unexpectedly in recent years. So I want to talk
Speaker 2: to you about a how did you feel that you
Speaker 2: were ready to even write a book about something like
Speaker 2: that so soon after the injury.
Speaker 1: So I was already writing a book after I had
Speaker 1: done a documentary on my father called The Black Godfather,
Speaker 1: and the publisher at the time kept saying, you should
Speaker 1: pick the themes of the Black Godfather and maybe we
Speaker 1: can turn this into a book, which I thought was
Speaker 1: a great idea. So we picked the themes that my
Speaker 1: parents kind of live by, which were grit and grace
Speaker 1: and gratitude. Those were like the through line themes. And
Speaker 1: then my mom tragically dies and she's killed, and I said,
Speaker 1: immediately to your point, how the fuck am I going
Speaker 1: to write a book? How am I going to put
Speaker 1: this book out on grit, grace and gratitude. It doesn't
Speaker 1: feel right and I don't feel like writing, by the way,
Speaker 1: I don't feel like finishing. But my father came to
Speaker 1: live with me.
Speaker 2: After your mother was killed.
Speaker 1: After my mother was killed, my father came to live
Speaker 1: with me, and he knew I was writing a book,
Speaker 1: and he kept saying, where's a book? And I said, Dad,
Speaker 1: one thing at a time. Here mom was just killed.
Speaker 1: And he said, but you have to write about Jackie.
Speaker 1: You can't stop writing. You can't let this man take
Speaker 1: away your life, my life, And I said, okay, but
Speaker 1: you know he's of that generation. And it wasn't like immediately,
Speaker 1: but he was saying, I think it would help heal you,
Speaker 1: and I think it's going to help heal your heart
Speaker 1: because he saw that I was just shattered. We were
Speaker 1: all shattered. And so I kept writing. And then her
Speaker 1: last text to me, the last words happened to be
Speaker 1: think you'll be happy, And I thought, you know, of
Speaker 1: course she left me would think you'll be happy. Of
Speaker 1: course she did. So that's how it came to be.
Speaker 1: And it was very cathartic and hard, but it definitely
Speaker 1: helped me heal to the point where I could sit
Speaker 1: and talk to you for sure, Like I don't know
Speaker 1: if I didn't put the book out, if I could
Speaker 1: talk about it the way I'm talking about it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think you look at grief. First of all,
Speaker 2: you don't expect things like this to happen in your life.
Speaker 2: For our listeners who are not yet familiar with the book,
Speaker 2: and Nicole's mother was murdered in her own house by
Speaker 2: a burglar or it was a burglary, and presumably she
Speaker 2: surprised him and she was eighty one years old, is
Speaker 2: that right?
Speaker 1: One?
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think the opening of the book, I
Speaker 2: think really resonated with me because in the face of
Speaker 2: grief and in the face of terror and all of
Speaker 2: the nightmare things that can happen and do happen in
Speaker 2: everyone's life, at some point, you were able to get
Speaker 2: that call in the middle of the night from your
Speaker 2: husband's ed and get up and use all of the
Speaker 2: tools that your mother had blessed you with your entire
Speaker 2: life to face the reality of what needed to be
Speaker 2: done instead of freezing or ineptitude paralysis. And I love
Speaker 2: when you talk about getting up, feeding the dogs, making
Speaker 2: sure they got their food, and letting them out, and
Speaker 2: then going to the hospital, right.
Speaker 1: You know, it's interesting. I love that you love that
Speaker 1: part because a lot of people are like, how could
Speaker 1: you even think of feeding the dogs? But they're seriously
Speaker 1: looking at me, and I think when you're in a
Speaker 1: state of shock, it's still to your point. You know,
Speaker 1: my mom always had to saying of you can't make
Speaker 1: believe it didn't happen. Whatever it was. She would always say,
Speaker 1: you can't make believe that it didn't happen. You have
Speaker 1: to face the reality. And again, at that moment, moment,
Speaker 1: they didn't tell me if she was shot in the hand,
Speaker 1: if it was like she found. No one told me
Speaker 1: there was a burglary, No one told me anything. Get
Speaker 1: to the hospital. Your mom's in surgery. So that's why
Speaker 1: I was able to, Okay, what would mom do? I'm
Speaker 1: looking at these two helpless animals, not even knowing when
Speaker 1: I'm ever going to come home or what's going on.
Speaker 1: I ran downstairs, fed them and I left, and I
Speaker 1: was in that mode of whatever is happening, I need
Speaker 1: to trust somehow that I'm going to get through this
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna be okay, Like I needed to decide
Speaker 1: to be able to overcome whatever was going to face me.
Speaker 1: I'm going to overcome this. Didn't mean it was going
Speaker 1: to be easy. Didn't mean I was sugarcoating it like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'll be fine, but it was Life is not stopping
Speaker 1: for me, Life is not stopping for my family. Life
Speaker 1: doesn't stop for anybody. So I wanted to be as
Speaker 1: courageous as possible and as sane as possible to take
Speaker 1: care of whatever was going to happen, especially knowing that
Speaker 1: my ninety one year old father was at the hospital waiting.
Speaker 2: I think, in the face of this, it's always a
Speaker 2: miracle how we are able to level up, and I
Speaker 2: don't know that everybody feels as able to do that.
Speaker 2: I think there is a level of strength, and we
Speaker 2: have this inner reservoir of strength that we talk about
Speaker 2: on the podcast all the time that when it's time,
Speaker 2: it's like a soul elevation. We have to step up
Speaker 2: to the plate because now we're in charge of a situation.
Speaker 2: It's not a desirable situation. It's horrible, not only for you,
Speaker 2: but for you know, all of the thousands of people
Speaker 2: whose lives she's touched. So I think it's interesting to
Speaker 2: discuss how you have that strength and how you knew
Speaker 2: to tap into that strength, because you talk in the
Speaker 2: book a lot about your mother kind of infecting you
Speaker 2: with the idea throughout your childhood that you have to
Speaker 2: see the best in everybody, and you have to do
Speaker 2: your best, and you have to be well rounded. And
Speaker 2: so let's talk a little bit about that impact that
Speaker 2: she had on you, because I know from my mother dying,
Speaker 2: the lessons she gave me became louder and louder the
Speaker 2: longer she was gone.
Speaker 1: One hundred percent. I think it's you know, my mom
Speaker 1: was a realist, and my mom would always say she
Speaker 1: lived from an eternal perspective. So my mom's whole point is, listen,
Speaker 1: life is great and it's also tough. Life is beautiful
Speaker 1: and it's also messy. You know, she never sugarcoated life
Speaker 1: for me, and her whole point to me growing up
Speaker 1: was part of the circle of life that everyone talks about.
Speaker 1: No one wants to talk about the other part of
Speaker 1: the circle, which is death, and it is coming and
Speaker 1: you don't know when and you don't know how. No
Speaker 1: no one does. And you know, my dad, you know,
Speaker 1: always talked about the dash. What are you going to
Speaker 1: do with your dash? She would always say, you come
Speaker 1: in with a number and you end with a number.
Speaker 1: It's the in between the numbers that make the difference
Speaker 1: in everyone's life. And everyone has to decide, gets to decide.
Speaker 1: I should say, also, how are you going to show up?
Speaker 1: How do you want to show up? Who do you
Speaker 1: want to be in that moment? And my mom, my
Speaker 1: mom said, you know, my mom knew from a very
Speaker 1: young age. She's like, you know, she loved history so much, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: to the point where she was like, so many people
Speaker 1: sacrificed of all colors, of all religions, people have sacrificed
Speaker 1: for years and years for us, for Americans especially, to
Speaker 1: be where we were at that time. She's like, so
Speaker 1: this is not a joke. You know, people in my
Speaker 1: dad's family hit in the face, you know, bricks thrown
Speaker 1: at them, sitting in a sit in you know, marching
Speaker 1: for civil rights. My Auntie's punched in the face by
Speaker 1: mobs of people chased in the streets. Like my mom
Speaker 1: always wanted me to remember, you stand on very strong
Speaker 1: shoulders and tall shoulders. And Andrew Goodman, by the way,
Speaker 1: you know, young Jewish man in New York when he
Speaker 1: went to Mississippi and he was murdered by the klan.
Speaker 1: My mom said she and her friends were traumatized by that.
Speaker 1: She didn't know Andrew, she didn't need to know Andrew.
Speaker 1: She didn't need to know James, she needs to know Michael.
Speaker 1: She didn't need to know those three. But what she
Speaker 1: did know was people are actually going out and dying
Speaker 1: for other people to have civil rights. That people are
Speaker 1: going out and sacrificing their lives. So the least we
Speaker 1: can do is show up and live, you know. That
Speaker 1: was her whole motto was show up and live this
Speaker 1: life that we've been given. And freedom isn't easy and
Speaker 1: you shouldn't take it for granted. So my mom raised
Speaker 1: me with this idea of use your freedom wisely, use
Speaker 1: the freedom that you've been given. By the way, if
Speaker 1: you choose not to do shit with your life, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're lucky. Someone died for you to have that choice too,
Speaker 1: you know, And she said, and I would hate to
Speaker 1: see you waste your life. I would hate to see
Speaker 1: you not appreciate the blessings that you've been bestowed. So
Speaker 1: that I think, and to your point about this strength
Speaker 1: and this reservoir of strength, I think it's like the
Speaker 1: story of the mom pulling out a child from under
Speaker 1: a car. It's that same strength that we all read
Speaker 1: about of some accident and the mother runs out and
Speaker 1: she's able to overturn a car. It's an energy and
Speaker 1: a soul force that comes through I think, especially women,
Speaker 1: that it's there. But I think my mom, to your point,
Speaker 1: infecting me with it and filling me up with this
Speaker 1: sense of being tenacious and grateful and responsible definitely gave
Speaker 1: me the energy to show up at the hospital that
Speaker 1: morning and get the news that she didn't make it
Speaker 1: through surgery.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 2: You talk about energy in the book, and you talk
Speaker 2: about energy being joy Yeah. Yeah, so, And I love
Speaker 2: that because that is true, because it is a you know,
Speaker 2: we're always it's output. It's like, do you want to
Speaker 2: be joyful? Do you want to spread joy? Do you
Speaker 2: want to illuminate people around you? You know what kind
Speaker 2: of energy field are you leaving when you leave a situation?
Speaker 2: And I think that energy and joy are just like
Speaker 2: so beautifully interwoven. And I haven't ever read about it
Speaker 2: the way you wrote about it in the book.
Speaker 1: Oh Thank You. I think that we are all towers
Speaker 1: of energy, and we can put out whatever we decide.
Speaker 1: So if we want to put out joy, if you
Speaker 1: want to put out light, if you want to put
Speaker 1: out you know, laughter, all of it go ahead. If
Speaker 1: you want to put out misery and you want to
Speaker 1: be a victim, and you want to put out negativity,
Speaker 1: And everyone has free will. And I'm a big believer
Speaker 1: in when when when you are grateful for everything you have,
Speaker 1: And I'm talking everything that you know. You know, our kids,
Speaker 1: Tony and Sarah, and every day I was.
Speaker 2: I diviginized her son, her steps on Tony. I just
Speaker 2: want all of our listeners to know that I mounted
Speaker 2: him one night at Ted Nichole's house and he became
Speaker 2: a man after that. So i'd i'd like to go
Speaker 2: on the record with that, thank you.
Speaker 1: I would remind them even the fact that you're turning
Speaker 1: on the water, we have indoor plumbing, which again my
Speaker 1: dad didn't have indoor plumbing, heat, anything, food, nothing like zero,
Speaker 1: didn't have a pot to pisson. So I think when
Speaker 1: you are joyous and grateful and positive for everything in
Speaker 1: your life, the fact that you could walk and talk
Speaker 1: here and see anything, you have children, dogs, at all
Speaker 1: of it. The more I noticed, the more I'll tell
Speaker 1: you this, when I don't focus on what I'm grateful for, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: and I don't become on purpose about my energy, it's
Speaker 1: all over the place, and it's very easy to become
Speaker 1: negative if you're not focused on what you want to
Speaker 1: put out.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, I think also to being grateful for the things
Speaker 2: that don't go well, so because that is that there's
Speaker 2: always a lesson in everything, even in as horrible as
Speaker 2: it sounds. In death, the acceptance of someone moving on
Speaker 2: and the idea which is so comforting, you know. And
Speaker 2: you talk about religion a lot, and you quote a
Speaker 2: lot of verses from different books in the Bible, and
Speaker 2: I think it's religion is such a good tool for death, right,
Speaker 2: It's a good tool for a plethora of things, but
Speaker 2: for death specifically. Yeah, it can give you hope in
Speaker 2: the emptiness you know that you feel because when you're
Speaker 2: knowledgeable and in touch with the idea that yes they're
Speaker 2: not physically here, but no one is ever really gone.
Speaker 2: Energy doesn't ever die. That our mothers and whomever we
Speaker 2: love that we've lost, it's an honor to have been
Speaker 2: with them and spend that time with them, and they
Speaker 2: have injected that energy, injected and infected in the most
Speaker 2: positive way into us, and it is our light to
Speaker 2: carry on and shine on for them and in honor
Speaker 2: of them.
Speaker 1: Yes, in honor of them. That is what helped me
Speaker 1: get through this the most, which is it's like an
Speaker 1: energetic baton. The batons are passed, the energy is passed
Speaker 1: on to us. And what am I gonna do with
Speaker 1: my baton? What am I going to do? Of course
Speaker 1: I want to carry on my mother's legacy. Of course
Speaker 1: I want to share her life and her lessons and
Speaker 1: her love. But to your point, that's what it is.
Speaker 1: And I think the greatest way to honor people who
Speaker 1: are no longer with us physically is to make the
Speaker 1: best out of our lives. I know my mom is
Speaker 1: really happy right now watching a because she, you know,
Speaker 1: love being the center of attention. So believe me, my
Speaker 1: mom loves the positive attention she's getting, but in the
Speaker 1: best way, because I know she feels Oh thank god,
Speaker 1: none of this went to waste, you know, like I
Speaker 1: put a lot of good out into the universe. And yes,
Speaker 1: something tragic happens, and it was in three minutes, like
Speaker 1: I was struck by lightning. But look at the good
Speaker 1: and the ripple effect of the goodness. I can't tell
Speaker 1: you the letters and the notes Chelsea that I received
Speaker 1: from people around the world about how much me sharing
Speaker 1: my story has helped them get up, not be you know,
Speaker 1: I had one guy who at me, he goes, I
Speaker 1: haven't even you know, really gone out of my house
Speaker 1: almost for two years. I mean, just so crippled by
Speaker 1: grief to the point where you can't even function. And
Speaker 1: I think our parents bring us here. We come through them,
Speaker 1: our mothers, we come through them, and it's our job
Speaker 1: to really to Our job is to live the failures
Speaker 1: in the quote unquote bad things that happen to all
Speaker 1: of us, or any negativity that comes in, they are
Speaker 1: also gifts. I agree with you. When the doors closed, Yeah,
Speaker 1: sometimes you know, sometimes that relationship is not going to work. Great,
Speaker 1: take the lesson and the blessing and move the fuck on.
Speaker 2: And be grateful it's over. Be great, yeah, and show grace,
Speaker 2: like if a relationship ends, be graceful about it, that's okay.
Speaker 2: Like not everyone is meant to be here your entire life.
Speaker 1: That's not Ever. My mom used to say, everyone has
Speaker 1: to get off the train. At some point. Some people
Speaker 1: are going to ask you to get off their train.
Speaker 1: We're going to ask people to get off your train.
Speaker 1: But do it gracefully to your point and be grateful
Speaker 1: for whatever, take whatever lesson and whatever blessing. And for me,
Speaker 1: for example, I had to learn a lesson. I got
Speaker 1: at a very bad relationship, very emotionally abusive a long
Speaker 1: time ago. And the greatest lesson was what the hell
Speaker 1: would I think that I'm worthy of just that shit?
Speaker 1: Thank you very much for showing me that I'm actually
Speaker 1: worth something. What your pain gave me, you know it.
Speaker 1: It was a lot of grief and a lot of
Speaker 1: questioning myself, but I had to. I used to ask myself, like,
Speaker 1: you know, am why am I attracting these kind of
Speaker 1: people into my life? And then I switched the question
Speaker 1: and I asked myself, now, why am I attracted to
Speaker 1: this type of person? What in me is attracted to
Speaker 1: this kind of behavior, so what always comes back to me?
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, this energy doesn't align with me. So
Speaker 1: I'm gonna and I still grieve about it. I still
Speaker 1: grieved about it, and then I got Ted. Do you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? I would have never met Ted
Speaker 1: and I would have never accepted Ted and loved him
Speaker 1: the way I do had I not gone through people
Speaker 1: who were completely opposite of Ted.
Speaker 2: Right, So let me pivot a little bit because I
Speaker 2: know your father recently passed away, Clarence Avont, who was
Speaker 2: a very well known music mogul. So how do you
Speaker 2: square that? Because I know I bumped it to you.
Speaker 2: We kind of briefly touched upon it about you know,
Speaker 2: your dad and your mom being back together, which is
Speaker 2: the way I like to look at things. And how
Speaker 2: did how did this impact you knowing that you were
Speaker 2: losing him but he was returning to her.
Speaker 1: You know, Chelsea, I every single day I prayed that
Speaker 1: he would have the most peaceful transition because I thought,
Speaker 1: I don't know if I can handle another tread. You know,
Speaker 1: let's he's here with me. I pray it's as peaceful
Speaker 1: as possible, which it was, thank God, and the fact
Speaker 1: that he was able to pass away in our home,
Speaker 1: which was which became his home, but he was surrounded
Speaker 1: by his things and you know, close family members, best
Speaker 1: friends were able to come by and kind of say
Speaker 1: their goodbyes as he was just slowly, quietly fading away.
Speaker 1: Cancer didn't take it. Nothing took him. It's like it
Speaker 1: just it was old age and time to go was
Speaker 1: twenty months after my mom and he was so trying
Speaker 1: to hang on about the book. He's like, when's the
Speaker 1: book coming out? And he read the galleys, like I need,
Speaker 1: I need to watch the book, and I knew. I
Speaker 1: just knew. I was like, I know he's going to
Speaker 1: go before the book, but at least he read it.
Speaker 1: He read the galley and I have to say it
Speaker 1: was It gave me peace knowing that it was peaceful, quiet,
Speaker 1: beautiful at home and that he was going to be
Speaker 1: with my mom energetically they would be reconnected, and that
Speaker 1: gave me. That actually gave me joy. And I was
Speaker 1: so proud of his soul. That's what I kept telling
Speaker 1: him as he was leaving. I go, look at the
Speaker 1: fucking life that you've lived. This is thirty lifetimes in
Speaker 1: one life. You had no rights, you had no family,
Speaker 1: you had nothing. You were on your own since you
Speaker 1: were fifteen. And look what you did with your energy,
Speaker 1: and look at the lives that you've changed. And I
Speaker 1: was so happy that I was able to tell him that. Yeah.
Speaker 2: You know, it's interesting because you know, when you have
Speaker 2: someone die so tragically and in such a traumatizing way
Speaker 2: as your mother did, it's almost like the next death
Speaker 2: you're so ready for it. It's like it's almost like when
Speaker 2: my brother died on unexpectedly tragically, it was like anything
Speaker 2: after that was okay. Like my mom dying, I was like,
Speaker 2: I'll help you. I remember showing up to the hospital
Speaker 2: and my mom saw me come in and was like,
Speaker 2: thank god you're here. I just want to die. Please.
Speaker 2: They're trying to keep me alive. I know you'll help
Speaker 2: me die. And I was like, no problem, I got you,
Speaker 2: like I will, I will help you. And I was like,
Speaker 2: I remember the contrast of the two things. I was like,
Speaker 2: I could take.
Speaker 1: Anything, anything on one hundred percent. I can deal with anything. Right.
Speaker 1: The dad, you know, before he passed away in our home,
Speaker 1: he had had a stroke. I'm the one who found him.
Speaker 1: I found him and I was like, bringing up, I
Speaker 1: can handle this because I've already been through the worst
Speaker 1: freaking thing ever. And then I made a decision, Oh Dad,
Speaker 1: you know what. I don't know how long you have
Speaker 1: after this, but I promise you, I'm going to help
Speaker 1: you make the greatest transition ever. I promise you. I'm
Speaker 1: not leaving your side. I'm going to make you comfortable.
Speaker 1: Whatever for drugs they give you and they allow me
Speaker 1: to give you, bring it on, like this is gonna
Speaker 1: be painless for you, and I'm gonna walk you. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna walk you over, you know. And it was Ted
Speaker 1: who actually I left the room and I knew he
Speaker 1: was leaving, and I it was so heavy for me.
Speaker 1: It was that death rattle. I don't know if you
Speaker 1: heard that, but it was this horrible uff that's the worst,
Speaker 1: and it's kept scaring me. And I knew I was
Speaker 1: making my dad anxious. And Ted freaking stepped in and
Speaker 1: I said, Okay, I have a feeling he's going and
Speaker 1: I have said everything, and you need to have your
Speaker 1: time with him. And Ted freakin walked, took him to
Speaker 1: the other side, held his hand, you know, did whatever
Speaker 1: he needed to do in the room, He goes, I
Speaker 1: don't know every old Catholic prayer that I knew as
Speaker 1: a child kept coming out of my mouth. But you
Speaker 1: know what was great is that they had that moment
Speaker 1: and my dad went out listening to Frank Sinatra, Duke Ellington,
Speaker 1: Louie Armstrong, all the music that he brought into the world,
Speaker 1: Bill Withers. We just we sent him out in the
Speaker 1: best way.
Speaker 2: Okay, on that note, we're going to take a break.
Speaker 2: We're going to come back and we're going to talk
Speaker 2: to some callers. Nicole, Okay, okay, all right, and we're back.
Speaker 1: We're back.
Speaker 3: Our first caller is Akronefa.
Speaker 2: And she related to Aquafina. She is not, but she's
Speaker 2: real cute.
Speaker 1: She's real cute.
Speaker 3: Let me just preface this with she wrote in about
Speaker 3: a year after her mom had died, and at that
Speaker 3: time she was struggling with a lot of daily stuff
Speaker 3: like making sure that she was getting exercise and feeding
Speaker 3: herself right and all that kind of stuff. So she
Speaker 3: says she's back on track with that, but wrote in
Speaker 3: about finding her creative side again. You're Chelsea. I'm thirty
Speaker 3: three years old, and in September of twenty twenty one.
Speaker 3: After just a three week battle with pancreatic cancer, my
Speaker 3: dear world of a mother passed away. It's been over
Speaker 3: two years and I have stabilized myself. I have a
Speaker 3: full time job in higher ed and I go to
Speaker 3: therapy weekly and all my essential physical needs are met. However,
Speaker 3: I feel like my spirit is unrecognizable from what it
Speaker 3: was before. I'm a musician. I play the flute, piano, bass, guitar,
Speaker 3: produce and write songs. Ever since my mom passed, I
Speaker 3: haven't been able to write any songs, and instead of
Speaker 3: practicing music, I found myself disassociating, wasting time binging YouTube videos.
Speaker 3: Sometimes I feel like I can create music, but if
Speaker 3: I can't share it with my mom and watch her
Speaker 3: eyes light up and make her proud, what's the point.
Speaker 3: I feel a call to live out my dream to
Speaker 3: create music, but I don't know how to push past
Speaker 3: the immense grief. Any words of wisdom on how to
Speaker 3: get back to myself? Akronefa hikati hi.
Speaker 1: Hi.
Speaker 2: This is our special guest, Nicole a Vant, and we
Speaker 2: both have mothers that have passed away. So you're talking
Speaker 2: to the right group of people.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I know, and I think we're all pisces.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, fun. When's your birthday?
Speaker 5: March third?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 2: Perfect, Nicole, when's yours March six? Okay, great, aren't you yes?
Speaker 2: February A. Yeah, Well, I'm so sorry that you lost
Speaker 2: your mother, and we both know what that feels like.
Speaker 2: It's a big, big void. But I'm going to start
Speaker 2: by saying that you have to know and believe and feel,
Speaker 2: like when you close your eyes and you center yourself
Speaker 2: and you really just let yourself feel, you're gonna know
Speaker 2: that your mother is still with you, and you're postponing
Speaker 2: all the joyfulness that you can experience knowing that she
Speaker 2: is with you, sharing that like if you're not happy,
Speaker 2: she's not happy, and all of this, Like you know,
Speaker 2: my mother will never hear this music. Yes, your mother
Speaker 2: will hear this music. You have to believe that your
Speaker 2: mother is with you and watching you, because none of
Speaker 2: our mothers are just off and running up in heaven
Speaker 2: like you know, having a keger. They're here to guide us.
Speaker 2: Like I truly believe in This wasn't my belief system
Speaker 2: for a very long time, but I've seen proof of
Speaker 2: it in my life and in other people's lives. They
Speaker 2: are there, to guide us once they leave us. Your
Speaker 2: mother is never going to abandon you. You know, they
Speaker 2: couldn't if they wanted to. It's just impossibly, like physiologically,
Speaker 2: there's too strong of a bond. And so I really
Speaker 2: think you need to turn that thought process just on
Speaker 2: its head and really just every morning, wake up and
Speaker 2: say to your mother, Okay, this is what we're doing today.
Speaker 2: Like act like she is with you every single moment,
Speaker 2: and you're going to start to feel that, and you
Speaker 2: need to believe that because that's what's going to motivate you.
Speaker 2: She would never want you just wasting away and to
Speaker 2: be mourning for this long and to just be depressed
Speaker 2: and scrolling through YouTube. That's not what she wants for you.
Speaker 1: I agree with Chelsea. I would say that your mom.
Speaker 1: You know, sometimes I had to ask. I had to
Speaker 1: pretend as if my mom was sitting next to me,
Speaker 1: and I would say, Okay, what do you want from
Speaker 1: me today? What do you want from me? And you'll
Speaker 1: get it immediately. Your mom, of course, she gave you life,
Speaker 1: and she gave you a beautiful energy to live, and
Speaker 1: you're obviously a creative person. Your job or your next
Speaker 1: step is to like Chelsea said, accept what it is,
Speaker 1: but also, you know, decide to honor your mom. Decide
Speaker 1: to honor her, decide to what made her happy. By
Speaker 1: the way, I'm just asking you what did make her
Speaker 1: happy besides your mean Like for me, for example, I
Speaker 1: had to think about, Okay, one of the movies my
Speaker 1: mom loved watching, and I started watching those movies. What's
Speaker 1: the music? Oh, she loved Johnny Mathis, she loved Lionel Ritchie.
Speaker 1: So I would play it over and over and over
Speaker 1: again just to kind of feel her energy. And I
Speaker 1: think Chelsea's right, like the thing that your mom wants,
Speaker 1: you can't see her physically, but energetically she is always
Speaker 1: with you. And I know for myself, the greatest gift
Speaker 1: I could have can give my mom every day is
Speaker 1: to live my life to the fullest that I can
Speaker 1: and be as creative as possible and joyous as possible.
Speaker 1: And it doesn't mean it's easy. It's not, but you
Speaker 1: do have to make the decision. Once you make the decision,
Speaker 1: your energy follows your decision. Oh remember that your energy
Speaker 1: follows whatever decision you're going to make. If you want
Speaker 1: to be miserable, your energy says Okay, if you want
Speaker 1: to feel like a victim, your energy will say okay.
Speaker 1: But if you say I want to be victorious, I
Speaker 1: want to honor my mom. I don't know how, but
Speaker 1: I want it, the energy will follow.
Speaker 2: And Pisces have big energy. Yes, yes, So you have
Speaker 2: to be very mindful about your energy because when it's negative,
Speaker 2: it's real negative, and when it's positive, it's real positive.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Nikicole.
Speaker 3: You talk in your book about getting grounded before having
Speaker 3: to do something that's difficult or you know, as you
Speaker 3: were going through this process, a couple of different friends
Speaker 3: pointed out, like, you need to get grounded right now
Speaker 3: at different points. Can you talk a little bit about
Speaker 3: that and what's specifically to do to ground yourself.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a great point. One thing that I did
Speaker 1: was my friend walk me out on the grass, you know,
Speaker 1: take off your shoes, get to any piece of grass anywhere.
Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be at your house anywhere, and
Speaker 1: just walk in the park. But it helps you feel
Speaker 1: grounded because when you're connected to nature and when you're
Speaker 1: connected to the earth, and if you're not outside, meditate,
Speaker 1: you know, ground yourself. Sit. There's a million gazillion guided
Speaker 1: meditations that are free everywhere. I mean, the access we
Speaker 1: all have to help and energy and grounding ourselves is
Speaker 1: there sometimes, you know, for me, I get in the bathtub,
Speaker 1: I want to meditate, I want to pray. I want
Speaker 1: to ask for you know, light and love and purpose
Speaker 1: or whatever it is to put my intention out. There
Speaker 1: were days where I thought, I don't even want to
Speaker 1: get out of bed. I don't want to function, I
Speaker 1: don't want to look at anybody. I want to scroll
Speaker 1: on Instagram. But I'm choosing and deciding to bring in
Speaker 1: a different energy and call on something bigger than you.
Speaker 1: By the way, because believe me, life is much bigger
Speaker 1: than all of us. But you have to work with
Speaker 1: the energy of the universe and it's free, but you
Speaker 1: have to work with it and your music. If you're
Speaker 1: a musician, that means you already worked with it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you, and you didn't answer. I don't think we
Speaker 2: got to get an answer to your question about what
Speaker 2: did your mom really enjoy? Like what made her happy?
Speaker 5: She loved gardening, and it's okay that you still do.
Speaker 5: She was a dancer and used to teach African dance classes.
Speaker 5: She actually was also a musician and toured with a
Speaker 5: Ghanian artist when she was younger, so she always was
Speaker 5: obviously very supportive of my music. I did I say
Speaker 5: she liked to cook. She loved to cook, and she
Speaker 5: was always very curious about foods from other countries, especially
Speaker 5: African foods from other countries in Africa. And cooking is
Speaker 5: actually something that I've just been able to get back
Speaker 5: into in terms of taking care of myself and because
Speaker 5: it was something that we really like to do together
Speaker 5: and share and compare recipes. I'm so sorry I didn't realize.
Speaker 2: No, don't apologize, it's okay. Yeah, these are all Listen,
Speaker 2: everything you're saying is a gift. You have all of
Speaker 2: these gifts from your mother that you can honor her with.
Speaker 2: You can cook with her, and you can cook with
Speaker 2: her in mind, and the music that you're making is
Speaker 2: with her in mind, something that she would love to
Speaker 2: dance to, something that she would love to sing along to.
Speaker 2: All you have to do is reframe the way that
Speaker 2: you're looking at this death. You know, instead of it
Speaker 2: being a void, you can fill that void up with
Speaker 2: all of these things that you mentioned, between gardening and
Speaker 2: cooking and traveling and different African cuisine, all of This
Speaker 2: is such a gift that she's given you, and now
Speaker 2: it's your turn to show her and honor her with
Speaker 2: all of those things. And you're gonna be okay, you
Speaker 2: know what I mean. You're here because you're you've gotten
Speaker 2: yourself this far. You're here because of you. Yeah, and
Speaker 2: you're not alone. So many people, I mean almost you know,
Speaker 2: everyone at a certain time in their life, almost everybody
Speaker 2: has a parent die, and so that has to give
Speaker 2: you some sort of comfort to know that this you're surviving, right,
Speaker 2: and you're going to get through it, and it's going
Speaker 2: to get easier and better for you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're going through your human experience. And I'm sorry
Speaker 1: that you're in so much pain. But to Chelsea's point,
Speaker 1: to go out and garden with your mom and cook
Speaker 1: with your mom, and dance with your mom and making
Speaker 1: music with your mom. It helps fill that emptiness that
Speaker 1: you're feeling. And Chelsea's right, it does get easier. But
Speaker 1: I believe me, I feel your pain right now. I'm
Speaker 1: watching you and I feel it and I understand it
Speaker 1: and don't feel bad about it either. By the way,
Speaker 1: move through your grief, but just move through it. That's
Speaker 1: the only way out.
Speaker 2: Is through yes. And also you know, like when you
Speaker 2: find yourself, I would say, in these moments where you
Speaker 2: feel like you're cruising the internet or you're doing something
Speaker 2: that isn't really stimulating, that's just kind of word. I
Speaker 2: would urge you to take that time recognize, Okay, this
Speaker 2: isn't a good use of my time, and then go
Speaker 2: do one of those activities that you shared with your mother.
Speaker 2: Use that time to reconnect with her. And also when
Speaker 2: you feel overwhelmed and you are emotional, sit down and
Speaker 2: be that way. Sit down and I and once you
Speaker 2: sit with anything that you're going through, it will release
Speaker 2: and you'll give yourself ten minutes or thirty minutes, and
Speaker 2: you'll be surprised that once you really honor those feelings,
Speaker 2: they don't last forever. You know, they happen, it'll keep
Speaker 2: coming up, but they don't last forever. So it's up
Speaker 2: to you to kind of just reframe your whole life
Speaker 2: in the way that you're operating around this grief and
Speaker 2: embrace it and also go towards your mother, like with
Speaker 2: all of these activities, and you're going to feel better
Speaker 2: and you're going to feel her presence. I promise you.
Speaker 1: Thank you God bless thank you.
Speaker 3: Take some time for yourself right now when we get
Speaker 3: off the line. It take some time and just be
Speaker 3: where you're at.
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, Okay, sending you a lot of love, honey,
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 5: I really appreciate it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, bye bye.
Speaker 3: You know, something that both of you said made me think.
Speaker 3: You know, we think of like when someone crosses over
Speaker 3: there in the Great Beyond or they're in heaven and
Speaker 3: it's way out there. But I think a lot of
Speaker 3: spiritual thinkers and how you to relate to your mother's
Speaker 3: is no, they're right here. And a lot of spiritual
Speaker 3: thinkers talk.
Speaker 1: About the veil. You know, there's just a veil that's
Speaker 1: right here.
Speaker 3: And it's even biblical like in the Bible to talk
Speaker 3: about the Kingdom of God is at hand, and some
Speaker 3: people interpret that to mean it's right here, heaven, whatever
Speaker 3: you want to call it is just beyond our vision basically,
Speaker 3: And you can talk to your loved one that has passed.
Speaker 2: On, Nicole, do you feel like you do you feel
Speaker 2: this same presence of your mom that you do with
Speaker 2: your dad since he's passed on, because I don't feel
Speaker 2: my dad anywhere. Yeah, don't I think he's paying for
Speaker 2: all of his wrongdoings and is in some sort of
Speaker 2: purgatory used car dealership situation trying to figure out why
Speaker 2: it was such a fucking asshole. And that's but I
Speaker 2: never feel my father.
Speaker 1: Ever interesting, I feel I feel them both. My mom
Speaker 1: came in a few times early and then it felt
Speaker 1: like she went away. But I started to feel her
Speaker 1: more in the music, like you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: or or like this certain hummingbird would just come at
Speaker 1: me every single day, and the dragonfly which I'm wearing one,
Speaker 1: they would they're hovering around me all the time. And
Speaker 1: she and every piece of her stationary has a dragonfly,
Speaker 1: and her whole thing was a dragon And she used
Speaker 1: to say, that's what I'm gonna I'll always be something
Speaker 1: for you, and I asked her to be. I was
Speaker 1: very specific on everything. And my dad I feel differently
Speaker 1: in a different way and not as strong yet as
Speaker 1: my mom, but but I can. He's just started to
Speaker 1: come in more recently, and it's more of I could
Speaker 1: feel him because he's such a doer. Now what are
Speaker 1: you doing next? What's what's the next thing? And what
Speaker 1: I'm like, Dad, just give me one minute, just there's
Speaker 1: a lot that's been going on, but it's so his
Speaker 1: energy of what's next, Let's go, let's go, keep going,
Speaker 1: like let's go. My mom is very graceful and gentle,
Speaker 1: and so I feel him differently. Someone will send me
Speaker 1: a quote like thanks mom, got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I got it. Yeah yeah, that's funny.
Speaker 3: Our next caller is James. He is in Ohio and
Speaker 3: recently had to move home after losing his sister. So
Speaker 3: he says, Dear Chelsea, I found your podcast a while
Speaker 3: back and have been listening to Dear Chelsea every day
Speaker 3: while I'm driving.
Speaker 1: I love hearing your advice.
Speaker 3: And would love to get your input on a situation
Speaker 3: I'm experiencing. Last year, I lost my sister suddenly when
Speaker 3: she was killed in a car crash. It was the
Speaker 3: most difficult loss I've ever experienced. It got to a
Speaker 3: point where I wasn't eating or sleeping, and if I
Speaker 3: had any sort of joy, it was immediately followed by
Speaker 3: immense guilt. After a couple months of this, I ended
Speaker 3: up seeing a grief specialized therapist and it has been
Speaker 3: tremendously helpful. My mother asked me to move home to
Speaker 3: help her and my other sister take care of my
Speaker 3: deceased sister's kids. I wanted to help out. So here
Speaker 3: I am, and I'm struggling. I've got a new job here,
Speaker 3: but it's not what I'm used to and it's harder
Speaker 3: to get by. Moreover, I'm afraid that by coming back
Speaker 3: to my small town in Ohio, I'll get trapped. Will
Speaker 3: I stay for one year?
Speaker 1: Two ten?
Speaker 3: I want to put my family first, but I don't
Speaker 3: want to lose myself and my own endeavors in the process.
Speaker 2: James, Wow, Hi Jane, Hi James, this is n call
Speaker 2: our special guests today.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 2: That's a huge responsibility.
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, it's it's it's hard, but I just I
Speaker 4: feel like anyone would do the same in my situation.
Speaker 6: Yes, I mean, yeah, there's kids, so it's like how.
Speaker 2: Old are they and how and how many are there?
Speaker 4: Well, to give you, like some background on my family,
Speaker 4: I have a twin sister.
Speaker 6: She has two kids that are seven and six.
Speaker 4: And then I had my older sister, she had a
Speaker 4: six year old, five year old, four year old, and
Speaker 4: then she was also pregnant at the time.
Speaker 2: And so your twin sister is still with you, where
Speaker 2: does she live?
Speaker 4: Yes, she lives in the town I'm in now, So
Speaker 4: we're all together now good?
Speaker 2: And you are this primary caretaker or are you guys
Speaker 2: collectively taking care?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 4: So right now, right now, my mom is the primary caretaker.
Speaker 4: The dad is not around like at all, maybe a
Speaker 4: day out of the month, so it's primarily my mom.
Speaker 4: I'm like, I'm kind of here as like I'll take
Speaker 4: them to like appointments, or I'll pick them up from
Speaker 4: school if they need to be picked up. I try
Speaker 4: to do like fun like uncle things when I can.
Speaker 4: But my mom is the primary caretaker right now.
Speaker 2: And so are you? How are the kids mentally and
Speaker 2: emotionally right now? How long ago did this happen?
Speaker 4: This is November of twenty twenty two, so over a
Speaker 4: year ago. I mean they're all still so young. They
Speaker 4: really don't understand. They like bring it up so nonchalantly though,
Speaker 4: like that they don't have a mom.
Speaker 2: I mean, it sounds like you would benefit from having
Speaker 2: a therapist. Now. It's a big responsibility. What you're doing.
Speaker 2: It is a big gift that you have been given,
Speaker 2: even though it may not feel like one. You're giving
Speaker 2: a gift to your sister, You're giving a gift to
Speaker 2: these children, and you're gifting your mother and your other
Speaker 2: sister by chipping in. And there really is nothing more
Speaker 2: important than showing up in a time like this for
Speaker 2: your family. And it doesn't have to be forever. And
Speaker 2: you may, you know, you may want it to be
Speaker 2: at some point, you may change your mind from where
Speaker 2: you are right now. But I would say what you're
Speaker 2: doing is so honorable. Remember this every you know, every
Speaker 2: morning when you wake up, you know that you are
Speaker 2: doing something so like a valor. It's just and there's
Speaker 2: nothing I don't think in the world that is more
Speaker 2: important than showing up for your family in a time
Speaker 2: like this. So I understand that you don't want to
Speaker 2: you're not really that psyched about Is it that you
Speaker 2: don't really want to be staying in that town for
Speaker 2: very long? Is that how you're feeling.
Speaker 6: Yeah, Like, as soon as I thin eighteen, I was like,
Speaker 6: I'm leaving a town. I'm doing my own thing.
Speaker 4: I'm like, God, I'm wanted to travel, I want to
Speaker 4: like explore, I want to grow. I mean, there's nothing
Speaker 4: in this town other than my family, but there's no
Speaker 4: room for growth. It feels like in this town so
Speaker 4: that's I mean, that's why I always wanted to see
Speaker 4: where life can take me. But yeah, now that I'm
Speaker 4: back here, and like I mean, I'm just used some
Speaker 4: big cities and now like I'm looking like outside, and
Speaker 4: I see a field and I see another field and
Speaker 4: there's just nothing. There's a deserted town right now. But
Speaker 4: I want to be here from my family.
Speaker 2: But it's like how long, right, and how long has
Speaker 2: it been?
Speaker 6: I've been here for about seven months now?
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, I think you should give yourself some just
Speaker 2: time frame, you know what I mean to just and
Speaker 2: also be very vocal with your mother and discuss it
Speaker 2: with her, like what do you think a fair amount
Speaker 2: of time is? Because she doesn't want you to give
Speaker 2: your life away, And there's a way that you can
Speaker 2: move somewhere to a city that's close by that has
Speaker 2: more action and actually remain having like a presence at
Speaker 2: home with your niece and nephew and with your family.
Speaker 2: And I think you know, and that's why it would
Speaker 2: be helpful for you to talk to someone too about
Speaker 2: what that timeframe is. What is a reasonable amount of time?
Speaker 2: Like is it another five months to make it a
Speaker 2: full year? Do you want it to be two years.
Speaker 2: I think you have to be very overly communicative instead
Speaker 2: of under communicative, because that way there's no surprises. You know,
Speaker 2: you can have you expressed your mother your desire to
Speaker 2: not stay here permanently.
Speaker 6: I haven't.
Speaker 4: She's retiring next year, so I was gonna stay until
Speaker 4: then and kind of like assess the situation then, like
Speaker 4: does she need me, does she want me here?
Speaker 6: Do the kids? I mean, I'm I'm just trying to
Speaker 6: see what she wants, because I mean, you.
Speaker 2: Should be talking to her about these things. You need
Speaker 2: to talk to her about it so that the conversation
Speaker 2: can grow and evolve so that you're not you know,
Speaker 2: it's then it's not a decision like I'm moving in
Speaker 2: a week, you know what I mean, It's no one
Speaker 2: could communicate enough. You know your feelings. You have every
Speaker 2: right to have your own life. You have every right
Speaker 2: like you're here at a very important time in everyone's lives,
Speaker 2: and that is great. But you don't have to sacrifice
Speaker 2: your life for the you know, for all of it.
Speaker 2: You still have to make a contribution to your family.
Speaker 4: My mom and my sister, my twin sister, are like
Speaker 4: sacrificing their lives.
Speaker 6: So I just feel like it should be like an equal,
Speaker 6: like a people thing.
Speaker 3: You were in a big city in the same state, correct, Yeah,
Speaker 3: so if you're close enough by, you know, I think
Speaker 3: one of the biggest things that someone who is in
Speaker 3: a primary caregiving role can have is a little bit
Speaker 3: of respite and a little bit of rest. Like your
Speaker 3: mom is in this primary caregiving role. So maybe it's not, hey,
Speaker 3: you're there all the time, but maybe it's, hey, one
Speaker 3: weekend a month, she gets to have the weekend off
Speaker 3: from the kids, and you have them come and stay
Speaker 3: with the fun uncle in the big city.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 3: I know that's what my nieces and nephews love to do,
Speaker 3: is like, come stay with me for a weekend.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I was definitely going to reassess the situation, Like once
Speaker 4: my mom retires, I was going to like see, like
Speaker 4: I should maybe consider like moving away.
Speaker 6: But I wanted to like address that once that happens.
Speaker 2: I mean, I think you should do it. I don't
Speaker 2: think you have to do it today, but I think
Speaker 2: you should do it. I don't think you should wait
Speaker 2: until that. I think it's better everyone needs. It's better
Speaker 2: when everyone has the information. You know that you're thinking
Speaker 2: of to just share it with her, just even now.
Speaker 2: That's a great time to be like, Hey, I'm just
Speaker 2: thinking this. I'm thinking maybe when you retire, I might
Speaker 2: move to a bigger city and still remain obviously a
Speaker 2: big role in these kids' lives and I can offer up,
Speaker 2: you know, taking them once a month, a week and
Speaker 2: a month or these are the things I'm thinking. Let
Speaker 2: me know what you're thinking, and then it becomes a
Speaker 2: conversation rather than an announcement. Nicole, what do you think now?
Speaker 1: I agree completely, and I think that the more communication
Speaker 1: the better, so that there are no surprises. And I
Speaker 1: think that especially since it's your mom and it doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be today or tomorrow, but sooner than later.
Speaker 1: I agree with Chelsea. There's nothing better than anyone friend's family,
Speaker 1: anyone just showing up for people in need. It's the
Speaker 1: greatest human thing I think we can give to each
Speaker 1: other is to show up. That's what people want. And
Speaker 1: your perspective, you know, even change your perspective. You're the
Speaker 1: hero in their life for right now. Doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: you have to be in this role forever, but right now,
Speaker 1: in this moment, I know that life throw you a curveball,
Speaker 1: and it sucked and it's painful, but you are their
Speaker 1: hero in the moment. You've been chosen in this moment
Speaker 1: to show up kind of with a cape or not
Speaker 1: and bring healing and bring restoration and bring a sense
Speaker 1: of stability because they're young and they need it. But
Speaker 1: you also do have a life and you don't. You're
Speaker 1: looking like, am I going to have to sacrifice my
Speaker 1: needs and my wants and my desires for the rest
Speaker 1: of my life? And the answer is no. But there
Speaker 1: is a process, and I think that the sooner you
Speaker 1: all get on the same page probably the better for you.
Speaker 1: But if you look at it as we've all been
Speaker 1: chosen for different things, and we don't know what life
Speaker 1: is going to throw at us, and we all have trials,
Speaker 1: and we all have tribulations, and we all have challenges,
Speaker 1: and then our job is to show up in whatever
Speaker 1: it gives us as the strongest person we can be physically,
Speaker 1: emotionally and spiritually. Our job is to just show up.
Speaker 1: As I mean, I'm telling you, when my mom was killed,
Speaker 1: I had no idea what to do, but I chose. Okay,
Speaker 1: I didn't expect my ninety one year old father to
Speaker 1: move in with me. I didn't expect to become a.
Speaker 2: Caregiver exactly, you know, seriously.
Speaker 1: But I then created new habits for myself and just
Speaker 1: once I accepted, oh, okay, this is what life gave
Speaker 1: to me in this moment, and in this moment, I'm
Speaker 1: going to be the hero that is needed in the moment.
Speaker 1: Doesn't mean forever. And I'm a completely different situation. You
Speaker 1: have young children you're talking about. I had a ninety
Speaker 1: one year old, so I knew I was going to
Speaker 1: be sacrificing for hand in hand unch amount of time.
Speaker 1: But you have and I like the idea of you
Speaker 1: going and visiting your big city, you know, and also
Speaker 1: there will be I promise you. I know you don't
Speaker 1: see it, but even though you're in a small town,
Speaker 1: I promise you, there are little diamonds somewhere, and yes
Speaker 1: there's something there. I promise you. It's not gonna look shine,
Speaker 1: it's not going to be big, it's not going to
Speaker 1: be pretty, but it doesn't mean the diamond isn't there.
Speaker 1: It's there.
Speaker 4: No, it's when I was living in like the big city,
Speaker 4: I was like just living a care free life, just
Speaker 4: doing whatever I wanted to and now like this, it's
Speaker 4: just it's a lot different now and I appreciated of it.
Speaker 4: I'm actually back in school now because I was like,
Speaker 4: if I'm going to be in this town, at least
Speaker 4: I need.
Speaker 6: To grow somehow.
Speaker 1: Back in school good.
Speaker 4: And I'm like, I am kind of thinking like maybe
Speaker 4: I can like change the view of the city, help
Speaker 4: the city grow.
Speaker 2: I don't know, but yeah, that's awesome.
Speaker 1: Yes, there you run with that.
Speaker 2: That's that's injecting something into something instead of looking at
Speaker 2: something and having this narrow viewpoint like, oh, this city sucks.
Speaker 2: Not no, it doesn't. Your attitude about it kind of sucks.
Speaker 2: Just you got to make us. You have the ability
Speaker 2: to make anything fun. Wherever I go, it's a good time,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So you need to remember,
Speaker 2: like you we all have the power to do that. Yes,
Speaker 2: and you can make Yeah. I love what you just said,
Speaker 2: Like you could change the city, you could help the city,
Speaker 2: you could do something creative. You're going back to school,
Speaker 2: that's awesome. And yeah, you just needed a little pep
Speaker 2: talk and you.
Speaker 1: Change your perspective in two that you change your perspective.
Speaker 1: And how we both responded, Oh, there you go because
Speaker 1: you change your perspective and how you were gonna look at.
Speaker 2: It, Like, what are your ideas? What do you mean
Speaker 2: by that? Like do you have anything in mind?
Speaker 6: I do have something in mind.
Speaker 4: One of my niece or nephews has autism, like a
Speaker 4: developmental disability, and there's no resources here for that.
Speaker 2: Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect.
Speaker 1: This is great.
Speaker 6: So I want to look into that.
Speaker 4: Actually, I only have one more class left for my degree,
Speaker 4: which for it's like a social work degree, But I
Speaker 4: want to look into that.
Speaker 6: Great, amazing the process is on that.
Speaker 4: But because there is like kids with autism or any
Speaker 4: developmental disability, there's there's nothing resources here.
Speaker 6: So I'm going to I'm going to look into that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because maybe that's why you're there. By the way,
Speaker 1: now you're going to be the miracle for a lot
Speaker 1: of other people.
Speaker 2: Yeah, listen, you're going to be fine. You're doing a
Speaker 2: great thing. You're doing an amazing thing. Like focus on
Speaker 2: the task at hand and then do everything you can
Speaker 2: in your schooling in your free time to actually make something,
Speaker 2: make the situation there better. And what you just said
Speaker 2: is perfect. I mean, go for it and keep us posted.
Speaker 6: Oh I well know.
Speaker 4: That you guys are also like influential and inspirational people,
Speaker 4: so it's really nice to hear this advice.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you just need a little boost.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And every time you think like you're just like I
Speaker 2: hate this place, just think of me kicking you in
Speaker 2: the ass.
Speaker 6: Okay, that's the pose of reinforcement.
Speaker 3: I need see what diamonds you can find. Okay, James, Okay, thanks,
Speaker 3: take care.
Speaker 6: Thank you guys so much.
Speaker 2: You're so welcome.
Speaker 1: Good luck by by.
Speaker 2: Oh we turned that beat around you guys. Way to go,
Speaker 2: team go.
Speaker 1: James go.
Speaker 3: Well, let's take our last little break and we'll end
Speaker 3: on a little bit of a lighter note.
Speaker 2: Okay, and we're back.
Speaker 3: So our last question. Both of you talk a lot
Speaker 3: about this meditations Loving Kindness, Maggie says, Dear Chelsea, I've
Speaker 3: been binging episodes lately, so I thought i'd write in.
Speaker 3: I'm having trouble with a coworker. She's routinely been annoying
Speaker 3: and even occasionally unkind to me, and recently snagged a
Speaker 3: promotion I was up for. I can't help but feel
Speaker 3: jealousy toward her and a sourness about my higher ups
Speaker 3: making a decision that I think was wrong, But I
Speaker 3: think I need to opt for forgiveness toward all of them,
Speaker 3: or I'm just going to start hating my job. How
Speaker 3: do I create a sense of loving kindness for someone
Speaker 3: I don't like?
Speaker 2: Maggie, Okay, well we've said this before, but there is
Speaker 2: a loving kindness meditation that you do for people that
Speaker 2: you don't like or you feel have wronged you, and
Speaker 2: you do it for twenty eight days. Google it. You
Speaker 2: send out peace, love, joy to someone you love, to
Speaker 2: someone who's neutral, to someone you don't love, and to
Speaker 2: someone you actively dislike. And it's a very good practice
Speaker 2: because you do not want to harbor that. You don't
Speaker 2: want to be in work. You don't want to be
Speaker 2: a victim. You don't want to be angry that someone
Speaker 2: got something that you didn't. If anything that is meant
Speaker 2: for you will not pass you. So if that was
Speaker 2: promotion wasn't yours, something is going to happen down the
Speaker 2: line that is going to be better suited and probably
Speaker 2: even better than that promotion, whether it's a different job
Speaker 2: eventually or whatever. That's the way the world works, and
Speaker 2: especially when you can be graceful about not getting what
Speaker 2: you wanted and I think meditation is just too powerful,
Speaker 2: too not You know, everyone wants to meditate and they
Speaker 2: want immediate results, and that's just not how it works.
Speaker 2: You have to keep putting marbles in the marble jar,
Speaker 2: and then all of a sudden, your meditation you feel it,
Speaker 2: and you feel it every day and you're like, oh,
Speaker 2: this is right, this is the feeling I was after.
Speaker 3: And our brains really are plastic, like they can change,
Speaker 3: they can morph. And you talk in your book about
Speaker 3: sometimes it feels like you're tricking your brain into seeing
Speaker 3: the positive side.
Speaker 2: Can you talk a little bit about that.
Speaker 1: As you literally are. I mean, your subconscious mind doesn't
Speaker 1: know the difference. But to what Telsea was saying before,
Speaker 1: you have to first of all, you can't create when
Speaker 1: you're negative. It's a very difficult place to start when
Speaker 1: you're in negativity and bitterness and anger. Oh but let
Speaker 1: me create a really good job for myself. It's not
Speaker 1: going to work. They're releasing and letting go and forgiveness.
Speaker 1: By the way, when I say it's never condonement, you're
Speaker 1: not condoning a behavior. You're not condoning bad behavior. You're
Speaker 1: not condoning the bitchiness or negativity or the betrayal or
Speaker 1: any of it. But when you do those meditations and
Speaker 1: you bless someone, I had to do it. I bless
Speaker 1: you with love and I release you in peace. I
Speaker 1: had to do this to enemies in my life all
Speaker 1: throughout my life. I bless you with love, and I
Speaker 1: release you in peace. I don't even want to think
Speaker 1: about you, but I also don't want to harbor all
Speaker 1: of the negativity that I feel towards that person or
Speaker 1: the situation. And then once you release all that toxic
Speaker 1: energy from you, then you get into a space of creation.
Speaker 1: And that's when you visualize, and that's when you see
Speaker 1: yourself in the end, and that's when you see yourself
Speaker 1: having what you have. But I promise you I've tried it,
Speaker 1: and it doesn't work. You can't have the poison and
Speaker 1: the negativity and the anger and the bitterness and try
Speaker 1: to create greatness. It's just it's like you're sweating upstream
Speaker 1: constantly of Oh, I hate this person. I can't believe
Speaker 1: this person. I can't you know. My dad always used
Speaker 1: to say to me, it is what it is, what
Speaker 1: are you going to do about it? I'd never grasped
Speaker 1: and what he was saying was you have to accept
Speaker 1: the energy that showed up. Just accept it. You don't
Speaker 1: have to like it, but you have to own that
Speaker 1: it's here. And then you decide what am I going
Speaker 1: to do about it? So it becomes your responsibility to
Speaker 1: shift the energy and shift yourself. And if it's leaving
Speaker 1: a job or getting better at the job or whatever
Speaker 1: it is, but it is what it is, what you're
Speaker 1: going to do about it. It's we all have to
Speaker 1: ask ourselves that all of the time. And I think
Speaker 1: that that's the way you shift your energy because the
Speaker 1: brain will follow where you tell it to go. The subconscious,
Speaker 1: I should say, will do that. That's why affirmations work.
Speaker 1: That's why your energy shifts with affirmations. It's not a joke.
Speaker 1: There's nothing WOOO about it. It's science and every religion
Speaker 1: talks about it.
Speaker 2: Amen, I love it.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much, Nichole. This episode's gonna bring a
Speaker 3: lot of light to a lot of people.
Speaker 2: And I yes, and everyone and who hasn't read the
Speaker 2: book think you'll be happy. Please pick it up because
Speaker 2: it is a very beautiful way to look at the world,
Speaker 2: to look at death, to look at grief, and to
Speaker 2: rise to the occasion rather than letting the occasion topple you.
Speaker 1: I love that.
Speaker 2: I just thought that up, guys.
Speaker 1: I love that. Thank you.
Speaker 2: Okay, Nicole, I love you so nice to.
Speaker 1: Talk with you, Hoks so much, sweetheart.
Speaker 2: Okay, So show dates coming up Canadian show dates. These
Speaker 2: are for Canadians, guys. I'm coming February ninth. I'll be
Speaker 2: in Winnipeg, Victoria, BC is March eighth. Then I will
Speaker 2: be in Salt Lake City April fourth, and Denver April fifth.
Speaker 2: I'm coming to Arizona at Maricopa April twelfth. April thirteen,
Speaker 2: I'll be in Brooks, California at the Cash Creek Casino,
Speaker 2: and then I'm going to be in Santa Rosa Sunday,
Speaker 2: April fourteenth. I'm coming to Richmond, Virginia, Baltimore, Maryland on
Speaker 2: April twentieth, Gary, Indiana, Prior Lake, Minnesota. Coming to Oklahoma, Norman,
Speaker 2: Oklahoma on May third and May fourth. I will be
Speaker 2: in Thackerville, Oklahoma for my rescheduled Windstar World Casino date.
Speaker 2: And I want to make sure that I give a
Speaker 2: shout out to our show for Netflix. As a joke festival,
Speaker 2: I put together a show with some of my favorite comics.
Speaker 2: It's May eleventh at the YouTube Theater Downtown, which I've
Speaker 2: never performed in, so that's going to be fun. It's
Speaker 2: a pretty big I have Beteo Lane, I have Fortune
Speaker 2: Themester performing, I have Sam Jays on the show and
Speaker 2: Vanessa Gonzale. So we it is called a Jew two Mexicans,
Speaker 2: No a Jew, two gays at a Mexican. No a Jew,
Speaker 2: three gays at a Mexican. So it's political correctness that
Speaker 2: it's finest. And then I will be in Verona, New
Speaker 2: York on May twenty sixth, and then I'm coming to
Speaker 2: Australia in July and New Zealand July fifth, Auckland and
Speaker 2: I'm coming to Wellington, New Zealand, Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney and
Speaker 2: then Thursday, August first, which is a long way away
Speaker 2: and a date I am just seeing that I am
Speaker 2: not ready to announce. Okay, So those are all my
Speaker 2: dates for that are up and available, so get your tickets.
Speaker 2: I can't wait to see you. Uh yeah, that's it.
Speaker 3: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
Speaker 3: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
Speaker 3: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
Speaker 3: and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and
Speaker 3: be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot
Speaker 3: com