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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to stuff.

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Speaker 1: And I've never told your protection if I hire ideas

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Speaker 1: how stuff work. Today we're going to be talking about

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Speaker 1: women and the Impossible Goal. And Samantha and I love

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Speaker 1: a good title. So that's partly where this came from.

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Speaker 1: And then it just trickled out into all the things

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Speaker 1: that did it did um And I will say, as

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Speaker 1: I was typing in possible Goal, the first thing that

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Speaker 1: came up for like three pages was a goal scored

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Speaker 1: by Robert Roberto Carlos and people like dissecting how it happened,

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Speaker 1: how it happened. So we're not talking about that. You know,

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Speaker 1: if we want to talking about goals like that, we

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Speaker 1: want to talk about women's soccer. Would say you was say, yeah,

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Speaker 1: ladies get paid. Yes, yeah, that's uh definitely topic of

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Speaker 1: her upcoming podcast. Um. So when we're talking about the

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Speaker 1: the impossible goal, I think as women, we have a

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Speaker 1: tendency to set goals for ourselves that are in fact impossible,

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Speaker 1: So we are setting ourselves up for failure. And it

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Speaker 1: reminds me of this song that I used to sing

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Speaker 1: at karaoke. Yeah, it's not surprised to me that I

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Speaker 1: am my own worst enemy. Everybody sing along it's stuck

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Speaker 1: in your head that lit song Yeah I don't like

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Speaker 1: you right now, Well is never going to be in

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Speaker 1: my head. Well you did it. A lot of people

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Speaker 1: wrote in about that other song you sang in the

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Speaker 1: routine episode, So that's what I don't want to earward

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Speaker 1: that again, don't move on. So we're sabotaging ourselves, essentially,

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Speaker 1: and part of that is trying to get past unfair

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Speaker 1: expectation society has on women. Um, this all female cast

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Speaker 1: movie better be good or we're never making another one again,

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Speaker 1: even though there's a lot of all male cast movies

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Speaker 1: that aren't very good and they get made all the time,

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Speaker 1: and in trilogy and all of it happens, and some

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Speaker 1: of those expectations we've internalized and put on ourselves. And

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Speaker 1: I would say this whole nonsense of having it all

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Speaker 1: is also a way of setting us up for impossible

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Speaker 1: goals and failures. Which, by the way, did you know

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Speaker 1: it was actually based on a book by Helen Gurley Brown.

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Speaker 1: I feel like I did know. Yeah, I think you

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Speaker 1: need to two. She wrote, Having it All Love, success, sex, money.

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Speaker 1: Even when you start with nothing. And you know what, O,

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Speaker 1: I can understand this need for motivational pushing for women

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Speaker 1: at that point in time, because at that era we

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Speaker 1: were still doing the housewife, being at home whatever the

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Speaker 1: work right, and and still obviously seen as second class

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Speaker 1: in the working world. And I say that very generically. However,

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Speaker 1: now that seems almost like as a curse. And this

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Speaker 1: whole idea of if you're not at this point in

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Speaker 1: life and at this goal, then what's wrong with you?

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Speaker 1: Kind of concept um, which again is sabotaging yourself in

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Speaker 1: this whole impossible goal of you must. And by the way,

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Speaker 1: it's also this one set of you need to be

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Speaker 1: perfect that sucks. You need to be perfect at getting money,

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Speaker 1: you need to be perfect at being a wife, you

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Speaker 1: need to be perfect being a partner, all those things bullshit.

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Speaker 1: But that's also one of those ways of like, why

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Speaker 1: is this set on women? And it is specifically geared

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Speaker 1: towards those who identify as female. Yeah, and it has

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Speaker 1: huge implications. Think of all the women who previously haven't

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Speaker 1: run for office are applied to leadership positions, um and

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Speaker 1: because they believe they aren't qualified, that they aren't good enough. Um.

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Speaker 1: Men in power but just eating women's bodies, being in

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Speaker 1: these positions for women, those aren't impossible goals, they aren't.

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Speaker 1: But being perfect in those roles that isn't impossible. Synatric

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Speaker 1: Hairsten Gillibrand actually talks about it as well and and

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Speaker 1: rewarding it to be doing it all, which still seems

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Speaker 1: kind of impossible, but hey, you can do it. And

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Speaker 1: an important thing to say here is sometimes we tell

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Speaker 1: ourselves a goal is impossible when it isn't, like in

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Speaker 1: this case, like you can run for office, um, but

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Speaker 1: it's it's the perfection part that makes it impossible in

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Speaker 1: those roles. But also a lot of things I looked

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Speaker 1: up said, um, you get into this self help arena

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Speaker 1: of don't nothing is impossible. Some things are impossible, right,

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Speaker 1: but that I don't want to put any limits on

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Speaker 1: any way, like ask yourself why you think something is impossible.

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Speaker 1: As well as the fact that we have to remember

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Speaker 1: you're you're all is different from other people's all, so

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Speaker 1: ho having at all the impossible goal is very, very different.

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Speaker 1: And what we're talking about is that that standard of

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Speaker 1: feeling like we might fail and then we um going

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Speaker 1: to utter deep hole because we failed in some way,

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Speaker 1: which is going to be inevitable. You're going to fail

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Speaker 1: at something, and that doesn't have to be such a

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Speaker 1: bad thing. It's not. It's a learning experience. You get up,

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Speaker 1: you move on, keep going. I wish I could remember

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Speaker 1: because this was a very formative memory of my life.

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Speaker 1: I wish I could remember this formative memory. I wish

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Speaker 1: I could remember what book it was from. But I

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Speaker 1: was reading this book when I was nine years old,

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Speaker 1: and it had this line in there that said, the

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Speaker 1: unfortunate truth for American children is that they're told all

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Speaker 1: of their dreams are possible, but they aren't. You read

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Speaker 1: this and it was comparing like the American dream to

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Speaker 1: it's like in the UK, kids aren't told that. I

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Speaker 1: just remember being devasta. Oh no, no, I can't. This

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Speaker 1: is the wool is been over my eyes this whole time,

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Speaker 1: foolish nine year old Annie. Um. And I did want

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Speaker 1: to add in here too, there are some goals that

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Speaker 1: I would say are near and possible, Um, that you're

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Speaker 1: essentially setting yourself up for failure with these two are

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Speaker 1: are that they're unhealthy to try to achieve. Like for me,

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Speaker 1: the cool girl one is a good example because I

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Speaker 1: tried to do that for so long, and I succeeded

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Speaker 1: for a little bit, and it wasn't healthy. And just

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Speaker 1: like that constant you were like falling and always trying

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Speaker 1: to catch yourself. Right. The same thing for me with

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Speaker 1: being like the perfect Christian girl when I was very

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Speaker 1: caught up in that in college and feeling like I

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Speaker 1: was failing all the time and feeling depressed because I

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Speaker 1: couldn't meet that standard of being the subservient. And not

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Speaker 1: that all religions are like that, not that all I'm

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Speaker 1: not everybody's practicing Christianity is like that, but in my

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Speaker 1: specific sect, we're supposed to be the supporter and and

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Speaker 1: you know, the encourager and the and the good person

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Speaker 1: that you know sits back and supports at home type

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Speaker 1: of thing. And obviously, I think if you've gotten a

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Speaker 1: little taste of my personality, that is not who I am,

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Speaker 1: thank God, And so feeling like I was failing at

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Speaker 1: that watching other women who can do that and who

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Speaker 1: are great at that and who love doing that great,

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Speaker 1: it just wasn't me, right, Yeah, And that that's the

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Speaker 1: comparison trip right, right. But let's let's talk about self

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Speaker 1: sabotage here, because that's that's kind of what is going

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Speaker 1: on or as part of this whole impossible, whole thing. Um.

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Speaker 1: Self sabotaging behavior is pretty much what it sounds like,

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Speaker 1: any type of behavior that gets in the way of

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Speaker 1: a goal that you've set up for yourself. Uh, and

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Speaker 1: we can do it in pretty much any part of

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Speaker 1: our life, relationships, at work. Some of the most common

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Speaker 1: ways we sell sabotage procrastination, stress eating, self medicating with

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Speaker 1: drugs or alcohol, and or interpersonal inflict. And I self

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Speaker 1: medicate for sure, and then I stressy because I medicated

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Speaker 1: away my judgment. So you do the four o'clock for

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Speaker 1: a Chinese ordering, Yes, that steals from you. Yes, yes.

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Speaker 1: And in fact, there's a joke around the office because

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Speaker 1: people I know which places will deliver to you at

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Speaker 1: four am and it's only three and they don't have

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Speaker 1: the best menus. People make fun of me for eating

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Speaker 1: from that place. Yeah, that's what kind of shady places. Um.

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Speaker 1: I think we can all say we all have habits

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Speaker 1: of self sabotaging. I mean, we see our old habits

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Speaker 1: that are obvious sides of our fears and insecurities, and

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Speaker 1: it's very quick almost our go to reaction. And typically

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Speaker 1: these behaviors are really small, but they add up. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: they start small and they escalate, and you might catch

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Speaker 1: yourself thinking, well, why do I do this to myself?

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Speaker 1: Why do I keep putting myself in these situations? Why

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Speaker 1: can't I learn things like that right? And that begs

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Speaker 1: the question why do we do these things? Why do

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Speaker 1: we purposefully get in our own way? When you think

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Speaker 1: about it, it doesn't on the surface makes sense, but

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Speaker 1: experts have some suggestions. A big one is self worth.

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Speaker 1: If you don't believe you are worthy of success, you

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Speaker 1: might get in your own way, and this usually coincides

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Speaker 1: with feelings of inadequacy that push you to work harder,

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Speaker 1: which is interesting because you're working harder, but also you

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Speaker 1: don't think you're succeeding um. And when that hard work

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Speaker 1: does result in some type of success, that's when the

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Speaker 1: self sabotage typically comes in. And we see this manifest

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Speaker 1: in so many ways. For women, we feel like we

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Speaker 1: have to constantly prove ourselves, but that we never are enough,

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Speaker 1: that we haven't earned success in some way it was

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Speaker 1: a fluke. It was because our boss thinks are pretty

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Speaker 1: imposter syndrome runs yeah and again with the the impossible goal.

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Speaker 1: If you have set yourself up for something that you

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Speaker 1: can't get to, I feel like it's it makes sense

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Speaker 1: to me why you would sabotage yourself then, because then

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Speaker 1: you are controlling the fact that you can't from you

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Speaker 1: can have an excuse about why you feel exactly. Um,

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Speaker 1: and that is that is another reason. We'll come back

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Speaker 1: to you. But how does this work? How do we

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Speaker 1: convince ourselves we're a failure when we have all of

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Speaker 1: these signs were not. People have asked me this like

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Speaker 1: in person because they've heard the podcast and said, I

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Speaker 1: cannot believe you think when you've clearly done this, this

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Speaker 1: and this, and oh, I can tell you. It's cognitive dissonance.

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Speaker 1: If we believe we are a failure to start with,

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Speaker 1: If our self worth is low, but we have accomplishments

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Speaker 1: to show that we're not, our brain corrects that inconsistency

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Speaker 1: by sabotaging ourselves by giving ourselves proof. No, see I

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Speaker 1: failed here, see so I am a failure. Um. And

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Speaker 1: this comes back to those studies that have shown that

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Speaker 1: girls who do worse in math because they internalize message

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Speaker 1: that girls are worse at math, so they don't want

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Speaker 1: to prove out the stereotypes, so you sabotage yourself purposefully.

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Speaker 1: You didn't try, therefore you can't. It doesn't confirm the

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Speaker 1: stereotype necessarily. And I did. I did the same thing.

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Speaker 1: I uh. Math was my favorite subject in school, and

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Speaker 1: then I got to high school and it became just

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Speaker 1: very like somebody outright told me girls don't like math.

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Speaker 1: Boys don't want to date girls. That's like math. And

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Speaker 1: of course at the time that was my whole world.

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Speaker 1: I mean, actually said that to you. A teacher said

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Speaker 1: that to me. That's such an archaic idea. What ye

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Speaker 1: teacher said? That's me? Was it male and female? Female? Really? Yes,

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Speaker 1: she said, all the boys won't like it. You're gonna trend.

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Speaker 1: They're like being smarter. But that's super weird. Oh yeah.

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Speaker 1: And I dropped out of it had a huge impact.

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Speaker 1: I stopped taking calculus. It was my favorite subject. Is

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Speaker 1: heartbreaking and and and the dude did tell me because

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Speaker 1: I was beating him, and he picked on me and

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Speaker 1: got his friends to become me what a dick. That's

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Speaker 1: just that's just a plain out dick. He was not. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Another big reason is control control over failure. If the

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Speaker 1: possibility of failure is too real, too scary. You might

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Speaker 1: engineer it yourself, and yeah, that's a big motivator or

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Speaker 1: the like thereof the fear of failure and rejection. I

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Speaker 1: feel like that's one of my big things. I'm an

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Speaker 1: all or nothing, so if I'm not the best at it,

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to do it, which is an absurd idea.

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Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of my friends, my female

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Speaker 1: friends in particular. I'd have to think about my male friends,

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Speaker 1: but a lot of my female friends are too, that's interesting.

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Speaker 1: Perceived fraudulence is another big one. It's very similar to

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Speaker 1: imposter syndrome. The further up you climb in whatever ladder,

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Speaker 1: the farther you have to fall. So the more responsibility

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Speaker 1: you have, the more people depending on you, the more

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Speaker 1: people you have to let down if you fail. So

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Speaker 1: the more people that think of you as successful, the

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Speaker 1: more you call yourself successful, the more you might attract

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Speaker 1: the attention of people who could call you a fraud,

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Speaker 1: who in your mind, will see through you, will see

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Speaker 1: you for the failure you believe that you are. So

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Speaker 1: you feel like a fake and you're worried. The more

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Speaker 1: attention you draw to yourself the more people will realize

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Speaker 1: that you are a fake, that you are a failure,

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Speaker 1: so you sabotage yourself. If something makes you feel like

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Speaker 1: a fake, you're less likely to do that thing and

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Speaker 1: more likely to do anything else to distract yourself. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I'm feeling a little bit attacked right now. This is

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Speaker 1: an interview. Just just say I just feel a bit attacked.

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Speaker 1: So slowly your row. I think a lot of people

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Speaker 1: can connect with consistency and familiarity. If you're used to failing,

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Speaker 1: if you're used to being abused, neglected, and mistreated, you

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Speaker 1: might put yourself in that position again because while it

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Speaker 1: might not make you happy, consistency is comforting the devil,

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Speaker 1: you know, as they say, right, and this goes in

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Speaker 1: line with the generational abuse. It's this whole idea um

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Speaker 1: that if it's normal, then it's better than what you

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Speaker 1: don't know. So it becomes a cyclical thing. You've seen

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Speaker 1: this in your family, you've seen this in your childhood,

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Speaker 1: so this is what this is, correct, and you move

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Speaker 1: on because it's more comforting, oddly enough, to have something

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Speaker 1: that you know, you know what's going to be the outcome. Yeah. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and if you I feel like if you've experienced a

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Speaker 1: lot of failure and that can get you down right absolutely,

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Speaker 1: then you just feel like almost like not trying your hardest,

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Speaker 1: because that's that's a pessimistic view. That's my world view.

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Speaker 1: A lot of the times, I'm like, well, if I

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Speaker 1: expect less, then I'll be pleasantly surprised if it's better

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Speaker 1: than that. My saying in high school was expect the worst,

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Speaker 1: hope for the best. Yes, yes, And that has always

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Speaker 1: been the thing for me, and like, okay, I'm want

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Speaker 1: to come in thinking that's going to be awful, and

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Speaker 1: then when it's not gonna be like, oh that's cool,

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Speaker 1: that's a good day, which is an awful habit, y'all.

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Speaker 1: Self sabotage is also a convenient scapegoat, so when things

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Speaker 1: go wrong, you can blame your self sabotaging behavior as

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Speaker 1: opposed to you yourself, Like, for instance, I failed because

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Speaker 1: I'm a procrastinator, when inside you might really be thinking

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Speaker 1: I've failed because I'm not smart. So procrastinating is easier

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Speaker 1: than admitting that you don't want to. I mean, I've

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Speaker 1: known people that have done it, but in a conversation

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Speaker 1: it's easier to be like, oh, I put that off

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Speaker 1: to the last minute, so I didn't do a good

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Speaker 1: job as ipposed to I just feel like I'm not

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Speaker 1: very smart. Put together yeah, put together quickly? Yeah, Um, boredom.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes we want some excitement, so what do we do?

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Speaker 1: We stir up some trouble and sabotage ourselves. But yeah,

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Speaker 1: the whole drama idea, you need a little more excitement,

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Speaker 1: so therefore you cause a little fuss. Yeah, And I

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Speaker 1: feel like in that case too, there's usually something you're

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Speaker 1: avoiding that's scaring you. But to be fair, there are

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Speaker 1: definitely those males out there that looked like to just

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Speaker 1: pick a fight for no damn reason. Oh sure, I

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Speaker 1: think this is pretty equal opportunity. And so the drama

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Speaker 1: queen is unnecessary title because anybody keep it could be

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Speaker 1: a drama queen and we'll just put that as a

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Speaker 1: title as a whole non gender. Yeah, for sure. I

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Speaker 1: feel like drama queen is very much another way of

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Speaker 1: gas lighting, or it has been used that way. Yes, Ultimately, though,

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Speaker 1: most self sabotaging behavior stems from fear of failure, trying

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Speaker 1: your best and failing, um, not being enough even when

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Speaker 1: you gave it everything you have it's a protective behavior.

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Speaker 1: Fear activates a stress response, which leads us to take

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Speaker 1: actions to protect ourselves from being hurt, in this case,

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Speaker 1: usually emotionally. Um. And you may have heard this called

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Speaker 1: the paper tiger, the fact that we're not really having

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Speaker 1: to deal with tigers anymore, but we have all these

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Speaker 1: susters at work, and our body is interpreting them. Our

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Speaker 1: brain is interpreting them like we used to interpret bikers.

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Speaker 1: How did we interpret tigers? Okay, okay, okay, making sure

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Speaker 1: I'm on I'm on the same track, right. I don't

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Speaker 1: want to be like, can I just hug it and

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Speaker 1: then it moulds my face? Um? I guess that would

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Speaker 1: be the tyger idea because it moulds your face. Uh yeah.

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Speaker 1: And I think a lot of that also stems from

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Speaker 1: just the fear of rejection in general, I know, and

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Speaker 1: abandonment issues for me. If I fail that me someone

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Speaker 1: doesn't like me in my mind, or someone's not gonna

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Speaker 1: like me, or someone's gonna be disappointed with me or

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Speaker 1: disapprove of me, and all of those things mean I'm

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Speaker 1: going to be rejected. And that's kind of that whole.

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Speaker 1: As long as I'm great at it, I'll do it.

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Speaker 1: If I'm not good at it, or if I don't

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Speaker 1: know if I'm gonna be good at it, I won't

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Speaker 1: do it. It's such a weird concept, but I think

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of people who have that basis that

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Speaker 1: it kind of just that a nenus of I need

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Speaker 1: to be light or being in a positive manner. So

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Speaker 1: if these are things that make me look bad, I'm

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Speaker 1: not going to do it. Yeah, And I do think

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Speaker 1: for a lot of of women or other um marginalized people,

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Speaker 1: you do feel that pressure to be like, I don't

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Speaker 1: want to do a bad job, and then they think

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Speaker 1: all women do a bad job because women aren't common

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Speaker 1: in this particular occupation or something like that. So you

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Speaker 1: do feel an increased pressure and an increased fear of failure,

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Speaker 1: and that might keep you from trying and all, which

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Speaker 1: is terrible. And then the whole competitive nature of if

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Speaker 1: I do something, I have to be better at this

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Speaker 1: than this person, and typically it's males, like I have

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Speaker 1: to be better at them to show that I'm actually

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Speaker 1: because honestly, you're not gonna get recognition unless that is

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Speaker 1: the case, right, and you're probably judge more harshly and

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Speaker 1: that's another part of this whole impossible goal thing. If

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Speaker 1: we're competing against a system that's not necessarily you set

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Speaker 1: up as exactly anyway. All right, we have some more

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Speaker 1: for you, But first we're going to pause for a

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Speaker 1: quick break for a word from a sponsor, and we're back.

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Speaker 1: Thank you sponsored, and we're gonna talk about relationships. When

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Speaker 1: it comes to relationships, this fear of failure often gets

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Speaker 1: tied up with if you're a projection like you were

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Speaker 1: talking about, Samantha, and I feel this stuff all the time.

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Speaker 1: If the person sees me for the real me, they

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Speaker 1: will leave. I am not lovable. So we take this

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Speaker 1: sabotaging behavior and incorporate it into our relationships because if

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Speaker 1: we believe that stuff deep down, we don't want someone

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Speaker 1: in our minds to prove it by leaving us. That hurts.

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Speaker 1: That hurts. It hurts anyway, but that really it hurts

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Speaker 1: um And we don't want to have to face the

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Speaker 1: emotional trying truth either way, like either it is true

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Speaker 1: and that's awful, and it's not true by the way,

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Speaker 1: but you believe it to be true, so you feel

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Speaker 1: it all right, isn't true and you have to face

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Speaker 1: when you feel that way either way, it's difficult. Um.

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Speaker 1: Self sabotaging behavior in relationships can manifest by going all

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Speaker 1: in too quickly and then retreating, having sex too early

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Speaker 1: and feeling resentful about it, making too many demands. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I think it also could be slush shaming yourself. I

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Speaker 1: think people have this whole issue of why did I

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Speaker 1: do that? Oh my god, I'm a slot. He's gonna

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Speaker 1: see me as a slut. I'm doing this as in

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Speaker 1: this and this and and that's kind of self sabotaging

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Speaker 1: instead of just enjoying, embracing whatever happened. Right, it could

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Speaker 1: be a beautiful moment. At the same time, Yes, it

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Speaker 1: could be too quick. According to some psychologists, self sabotaging

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Speaker 1: behavior is one of the primary reasons most of us

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Speaker 1: who don't want to be sing goal are single, and

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Speaker 1: three main beliefs her to blame. I'm better our single,

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Speaker 1: I don't have time to date, or I'll probably just

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Speaker 1: get cheated on. I think that last one is real, real, harsh.

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Speaker 1: It is I have a friend who operates under that.

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Speaker 1: UM Perhaps the maker listeners. So when it comes to

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Speaker 1: professional setting, we've outlined some ways the impossible goal of

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Speaker 1: perfession keeps us from success and oftentimes even trying, like

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Speaker 1: the imposter syndrome. Some other ways women specifically self sabotaged

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Speaker 1: themselves at work are thinking too small, allowing concern about

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Speaker 1: failure to overwhelm us and prevent us from progressing, trying

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Speaker 1: to do it all, trying to do it all, putting

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Speaker 1: litementations on ourselves, like yes, not being truthable about our desires,

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Speaker 1: and comparing ourselves to other women or to our younger selves,

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Speaker 1: and bringing down other women, which is so sad and

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Speaker 1: so ugly, Like in general, that could be said for

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Speaker 1: all of that, not just in professionalism, but having to

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Speaker 1: take down other women for our own whatever. That's true,

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Speaker 1: and you can really apply that to relationship relationships, because

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Speaker 1: I feel like the same way in relationships when someone cheats,

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Speaker 1: as we were talking about, they're quick to blame the

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Speaker 1: women I know, and I think I'm very much like Nope, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I remember in high school we had that situation where

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Speaker 1: two good friends of mine and this one dude and

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Speaker 1: the women got mad at each other, and I got

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Speaker 1: pissed at the dude. I was like, this is all

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Speaker 1: your fault. You asked, right, But that's the thing is

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Speaker 1: that it's so quick. Why is that the first concept,

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Speaker 1: like the first ideas it's her fault. We're so geared

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Speaker 1: and we're so taught that we have to fight each

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Speaker 1: other instead of being there to uplift each other. Is

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Speaker 1: absurd and celebrate one another because it's this whole idea

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Speaker 1: that can only be one, is it? Like what is

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Speaker 1: the outlander? Highland? Yeah? Highlander? But you know what I mean, Like,

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Speaker 1: the whole idea is like that can't be more than

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Speaker 1: one successful woman. That's too many. That's too many, that's

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Speaker 1: too many. Yeah, it's just another instidious way of keeping

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Speaker 1: usistic world. And U I wanted to touch briefly on

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Speaker 1: self destructive behavior. We talked a little bit about this

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Speaker 1: and our Trauma mini series and self sabotaging behavior can

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Speaker 1: verge on are become self destructive, They're they're pretty similar.

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Speaker 1: And there has been some recent science around why we

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Speaker 1: do this when in theory, we are hardwired evolutionarily to survive,

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Speaker 1: So why would we be doing these destructive things? Um.

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Speaker 1: A lot of this was this recent research was looking

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Speaker 1: into things like global warming. Uh. Some experts suggest that

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Speaker 1: people who engage in self destructive behavior might actually feel

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Speaker 1: things more strongly than others. And this is all very

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Speaker 1: new research, but interesting stuff. More researchers needed, UM and

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Speaker 1: then Springs is too perfection. Serena Williams wrote an essay

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Speaker 1: related to all of this that I love, and here's

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Speaker 1: a quote from it. I want to make it clear

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Speaker 1: that perfection is an impossible goal and should never be

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Speaker 1: a true pursuit in life. While I think all women

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Speaker 1: are superheroes, we are not superhuman, and we need each

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Speaker 1: other's support. We need to give each other grace when

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Speaker 1: we fall short. And when society sets unrealistic expectations on

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Speaker 1: our workplaces or our workplaces have antiquated rules, we must

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Speaker 1: span together and fight for what's fair. Did you read

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Speaker 1: the new article from her UM, so you know. Serena

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Speaker 1: Williams was on Harbor Bazaar and she addressed the issue

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Speaker 1: with the controversy last year about the bad calls essentially,

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Speaker 1: and she talked about the fact that she felt so

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Speaker 1: guilty that she needed to uh text Naomi Osaka, her opponent,

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Speaker 1: to apologize. And it was really really nice to see

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Speaker 1: this whole concept. Even though I think she was absolutely right,

426
00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:59,920
Speaker 1: I think it was a sexless call. All of those things. Um, However,

427
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:02,080
Speaker 1: she was like, I did get really worried. It was

428
00:25:02,119 --> 00:25:05,160
Speaker 1: in my head that I ruined this woman's moment who

429
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:07,639
Speaker 1: did a phenomenal job. And that's the one thing I

430
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:10,399
Speaker 1: wanted to make sure about anything I felt guilty, And

431
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:13,239
Speaker 1: this is the one thing I regret. This is all

432
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:17,000
Speaker 1: paraphrasing obviously, that this was taken away from her, her victory,

433
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,280
Speaker 1: and she's just in a response, and and Osaka's response

434
00:25:20,359 --> 00:25:23,680
Speaker 1: was fantastic when she was like, yeah, keep trail blazing,

435
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:26,280
Speaker 1: keep keep going, and this needs to be said. A

436
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:28,280
Speaker 1: lot of these things are. You're right, this is a

437
00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:31,560
Speaker 1: sexist industry essentially. So I do love that and that

438
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:33,800
Speaker 1: her own talk about imperfection and when we see her

439
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:37,520
Speaker 1: as an iconic goal from many many athletes see her

440
00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:40,320
Speaker 1: as the iconic goal, She's like, this is where I failed,

441
00:25:40,359 --> 00:25:42,280
Speaker 1: and this is where I can call out my own mistakes.

442
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:46,840
Speaker 1: I love that. Yeah, that's that's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

443
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:51,760
Speaker 1: Love women love each other. Something else, Amy Poehler. Something else.

444
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:55,920
Speaker 1: Amy Poehler said, yes, Um, she has a lot of

445
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,840
Speaker 1: quotes about this. One of my favorites is what else

446
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,639
Speaker 1: are we going to do? Saying oh, say no, to

447
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:02,679
Speaker 1: an opportunity that may be slightly out of our comfort

448
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,040
Speaker 1: zone quite our voice, because we are worried it is

449
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:08,239
Speaker 1: not perfect. I believe great people do things before they

450
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:12,720
Speaker 1: are ready. Amy Poehler. I want to be her friend.

451
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,640
Speaker 1: I just want her to come tell me inspirational things

452
00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:19,280
Speaker 1: like that. Do you have I wonder if we can

453
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:29,480
Speaker 1: put this in the budgets maybe, I mean probably know? Um, yeah,

454
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:31,320
Speaker 1: but I mean that is that is a good question

455
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:34,280
Speaker 1: as we go back and forth, is why why do

456
00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:37,720
Speaker 1: we need to be perfect? Where did this come from? Who?

457
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:40,719
Speaker 1: Who said it has to be all or nothing? Like?

458
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:44,040
Speaker 1: Why do we have to have these standards? Yeah? And

459
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:47,400
Speaker 1: I think there there's a lot, I mean probably obviously

460
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:51,679
Speaker 1: a lot going on with with why we think we

461
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:53,600
Speaker 1: have to be all or nothing as women. And I

462
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:58,640
Speaker 1: think a lot of it is that that, just like insecurity,

463
00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:02,800
Speaker 1: were constantly like built from fed and then we build

464
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:05,359
Speaker 1: and internalized and we feel like we have to be

465
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:08,160
Speaker 1: this good. I mean, it's a constant thing of when

466
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:10,439
Speaker 1: you succeed in one thing, the next question is what

467
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,719
Speaker 1: about the next thing? Kind of like the whole marriage

468
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:14,960
Speaker 1: idea when you're dating to one for a long time,

469
00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:17,879
Speaker 1: when you're getting engaged, when you engaged, when you getting married,

470
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:20,120
Speaker 1: when you're married, when you're gonna have kids, Like, it's

471
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:22,640
Speaker 1: just this whole weird like one thing is not good

472
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:24,919
Speaker 1: enough to be celebrated. You have to look at the

473
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:30,040
Speaker 1: next step. I'm sorry that brought back a memory I

474
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:32,920
Speaker 1: haven't thought in a while. Bro. I used to teach

475
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:37,640
Speaker 1: this class on dating and China. So yeah, and there

476
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,880
Speaker 1: the kids they were asking, they were like high school kids,

477
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:42,760
Speaker 1: and they were asking me, so, what happens after the

478
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:44,600
Speaker 1: first date? And I was like, usually a second day,

479
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,280
Speaker 1: and they kind of just kept asking and asking. I

480
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:49,440
Speaker 1: was like, well, eventually you get married, and they all

481
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:57,679
Speaker 1: gasped like I still don't know why. I still don't

482
00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:00,520
Speaker 1: know why. That was a shocking ending for them. I

483
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:03,240
Speaker 1: think they were interpreting it as like and then they

484
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,280
Speaker 1: could speak pretty pretty good English. But I think it

485
00:28:05,359 --> 00:28:09,480
Speaker 1: was just they didn't understand that I was there was

486
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:13,760
Speaker 1: a time jumping there soon, but eventually you get married.

487
00:28:14,119 --> 00:28:17,359
Speaker 1: Day five were married. You know what sometimes people do,

488
00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:21,640
Speaker 1: Sometimes they don't go for it either way. Yes, anyway,

489
00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:24,200
Speaker 1: if any of those students happen to be listening, I'd

490
00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:28,760
Speaker 1: love to hear from you. We do have a little

491
00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:30,479
Speaker 1: bit more for your listeners, but first we have one

492
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:46,400
Speaker 1: more quick break for word from our sponsor and we're back.

493
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:50,000
Speaker 1: Thank you sponsor. So we have some advice if you

494
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:53,160
Speaker 1: if you catch yourself engaging in self sabotaging behavior, which

495
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:57,160
Speaker 1: like we've mentioned, probably everyone does. UM, there are a

496
00:28:57,160 --> 00:28:58,840
Speaker 1: couple of things that you can do, and what the

497
00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:02,640
Speaker 1: big one is noticing the first step. First step, take

498
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:05,520
Speaker 1: note of any of those things that you're doing, any

499
00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:09,440
Speaker 1: self judgments, and try to stop and think where are

500
00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:15,040
Speaker 1: they coming from? And then redefine how you view success. UM.

501
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:19,120
Speaker 1: Put a focus on the effort part as opposed to

502
00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:20,840
Speaker 1: the outcome. That's not to say, sort of the outcome

503
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:23,800
Speaker 1: out the window, but like you know, it's the journey

504
00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:26,280
Speaker 1: and not the destination at least think about them. But

505
00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:29,000
Speaker 1: I love that when you said journey literally did a

506
00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:33,080
Speaker 1: hand up. Yes, you have to do that motion which

507
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:36,240
Speaker 1: is journey. Every listener knows and they're doing it like

508
00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:41,240
Speaker 1: they do at wave up to the sky, exact slowly wave. UM.

509
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:45,560
Speaker 1: Change the way you view failure as a learning experience. UM.

510
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:48,000
Speaker 1: Two hundred ways not to make a light bult for example,

511
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:52,480
Speaker 1: or I know when I I do acting and when

512
00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:54,400
Speaker 1: I have to do an audition and I don't get it,

513
00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:58,360
Speaker 1: I see it as an opportunity to like practice and

514
00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:00,560
Speaker 1: to play the character the way I would play it

515
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:03,200
Speaker 1: and hopefully do a really good job. And people are like,

516
00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:05,480
Speaker 1: you know what, not this time, but maybe next time.

517
00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:10,000
Speaker 1: UM or are a pop culture example. Thank you next

518
00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:13,560
Speaker 1: from our underground. She learned all these things from XS

519
00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:18,120
Speaker 1: and then moved on. UM. Work on yourself worth and

520
00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:21,440
Speaker 1: where your self worth comes from. Don't depend on other

521
00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:26,400
Speaker 1: people for yourself worth. UM. Making others happy or feel loved, sure,

522
00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:30,400
Speaker 1: but not the value that they are assigning you. UM.

523
00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:34,360
Speaker 1: Be kind towards yourself and recognize emotions for what they

524
00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:36,800
Speaker 1: are and where they come from. Right. You just may

525
00:30:36,840 --> 00:30:39,600
Speaker 1: have had too much caffeine that day, and we all

526
00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:45,800
Speaker 1: have bad days exactly except compliments and constructive criticisms from

527
00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:49,280
Speaker 1: trusted sources. Yes, you know, And I think that's good

528
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:53,320
Speaker 1: both with like therapy as well as good friends have

529
00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:57,160
Speaker 1: a good crowd. That's what I've thought about having who

530
00:30:57,200 --> 00:31:00,800
Speaker 1: I go to. I was having a really crappy weekend,

531
00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:03,800
Speaker 1: and so one of my ways of trying to get

532
00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:06,080
Speaker 1: myself out of a funk is being around people. I

533
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:09,200
Speaker 1: know that I can trust and be down with, but

534
00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:12,640
Speaker 1: they're gonna uplift me. You know. That's always a good thing.

535
00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:16,040
Speaker 1: Identify some impossible goals in your life. Oh and here

536
00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:20,840
Speaker 1: are some common ones. Pleasing everyone not gonna happen. And

537
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:24,120
Speaker 1: I'm learning. I'm learning that very quickly with this podcast. Yes,

538
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:27,280
Speaker 1: podcasting is a great way to to learn that, to

539
00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:30,040
Speaker 1: build that hard shell and be like, Okay, you don't

540
00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:33,880
Speaker 1: have to like me, that's fine, moving on being in

541
00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:38,080
Speaker 1: love all the time, that new exciting part of love

542
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:42,560
Speaker 1: not gonna happen. I laugh, I'm sorry, I love because

543
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:46,320
Speaker 1: that's so true. Like everything, it's such a whole idea

544
00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:49,480
Speaker 1: of love is an action and it may not be

545
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:52,240
Speaker 1: every day you feel a certain way. Shoot, I don't

546
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:53,840
Speaker 1: like a lot of people every day, but I may

547
00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:57,920
Speaker 1: love them. Yeah, And I think to just I know

548
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:01,800
Speaker 1: some friends who have in in marriages for for a

549
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:05,680
Speaker 1: couple of years, and then you you lose the spark,

550
00:32:05,800 --> 00:32:07,480
Speaker 1: as they say, And that's not to say you won't

551
00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:09,720
Speaker 1: get it back, but it's just, you know, it's not

552
00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:12,440
Speaker 1: going to be that like super exciting. We just met

553
00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:14,240
Speaker 1: and oh my gosh, I want to learn everything about

554
00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,680
Speaker 1: you every second with you, it's not gonna be that

555
00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:19,000
Speaker 1: all the time, and a part of marriage and compromises

556
00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:22,520
Speaker 1: to get past those points, to work back up, Yeah,

557
00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:26,240
Speaker 1: renew that spark. Yeah. And then it's kind of you know,

558
00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:31,600
Speaker 1: hit or miss. I was gonna say, okay, okay, but

559
00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:33,920
Speaker 1: I guess I guess it could be hit or miss,

560
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:36,240
Speaker 1: especially if you made that face. And I'm sorry. Yes,

561
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:39,800
Speaker 1: I'm a little Jada today. Um never needing help, that's

562
00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:44,320
Speaker 1: not a true statement. It's okay to ask for help,

563
00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:47,280
Speaker 1: and as in fact, that is a showing of strength

564
00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:51,040
Speaker 1: knowing your limits. Knowing your limits is a good thing

565
00:32:51,320 --> 00:33:00,560
Speaker 1: because it is impossible to do everything without anyone selp Yeah,

566
00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 1: and then always being able to do what we could

567
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:05,280
Speaker 1: do when we were younger. I feel like this is

568
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:09,520
Speaker 1: a slap in my face because I feel like but

569
00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:12,440
Speaker 1: my body is slowly like just giving up this race

570
00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:15,240
Speaker 1: told me a lot. I want you to know that this,

571
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:18,200
Speaker 1: this hale tin k that we just completed told me

572
00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:23,640
Speaker 1: a lot about my body. Like no, just no, you

573
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:26,959
Speaker 1: also hadn't run in a while, that's true, but the

574
00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:29,720
Speaker 1: paints are different now. I'm like, this hurts now, This

575
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:32,200
Speaker 1: hurts now, This hurts now, this did not hurt before.

576
00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:38,880
Speaker 1: That's fair. That's fair. And then another thing I would

577
00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:42,000
Speaker 1: add is, um learning the difference between something that is

578
00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:45,880
Speaker 1: extremely difficult and something that is impossible. There are some

579
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,320
Speaker 1: things humans have told themselves that are impossible but turned

580
00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:51,720
Speaker 1: out not to be. Like four minute mile, I would say,

581
00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:55,600
Speaker 1: probably going to space, which is not possible for everyone,

582
00:33:56,200 --> 00:33:58,160
Speaker 1: but if everyone told themselves it was, I'm possible, no

583
00:33:58,200 --> 00:34:00,480
Speaker 1: one would have pulled it off. Again, also with a

584
00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:04,160
Speaker 1: healthy dose of is this a healthy thing? I mean writing,

585
00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:11,319
Speaker 1: because I feel like if I again the cool girl,

586
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:17,600
Speaker 1: that wasn't healthy. So examine those kinds of things, um

587
00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:19,960
Speaker 1: And I did read some things that said, you know,

588
00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:22,920
Speaker 1: ask yourself why you think something is impossible, and if

589
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:26,120
Speaker 1: it is, find a more realistic goal. If it isn't,

590
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:30,440
Speaker 1: don't let fear hold you back, have people to go

591
00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:34,319
Speaker 1: with you. Yeah. Um. So that brings us to the

592
00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:37,120
Speaker 1: end of this episode, and we would love to hear

593
00:34:37,239 --> 00:34:41,440
Speaker 1: from you listeners how you deal with with these impossible

594
00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:44,560
Speaker 1: goals or don't deal with them or self sabotaging behaviors.

595
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:48,799
Speaker 1: Um And you can email us at Stuff Media Mom,

596
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:51,279
Speaker 1: stuff at I heart media dot com, or you can

597
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:54,360
Speaker 1: find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast or on

598
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:57,280
Speaker 1: Instagram that Stuff I Never Told You. Thanks as always

599
00:34:57,280 --> 00:35:01,960
Speaker 1: to our superproducer Andrew Howard. Thanks to you for listening

600
00:35:02,840 --> 00:35:05,120
Speaker 1: Stuff I've Never Told. User protection of i Heeartradias how

601
00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:07,759
Speaker 1: Stuff works. For more podcasts from I Heart Radio, is

602
00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:10,200
Speaker 1: the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you

603
00:35:10,239 --> 00:35:11,360
Speaker 1: listen to your favorite shows,