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Speaker 1: We make up, then we break up. We make up,

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Speaker 1: then we break up, We make up, then we break up.

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Speaker 1: You're always thinking about breaking up. You're always thinking about

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Speaker 1: how to break up, but you don't know how. I

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Speaker 1: think a lot of us are scared to break up

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Speaker 1: because of what it means. It means loneliness, It means

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Speaker 1: weekends and evenings alone. It means having that uncomfortable, awkward

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Speaker 1: conversation that we don't want to have.

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Speaker 2: The number one health and wellness podcast.

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Speaker 1: Jay Sheety Jay Sheddy Sly shet. Hey, everyone, welcome back

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Speaker 1: to on Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn

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Speaker 1: and grow. Thank you to everyone who's subscribed, Thanks to

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Speaker 1: everyone who's left a review. It's incredible to have our

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Speaker 1: community continue to grow. If you haven't already, make sure

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Speaker 1: you've downloaded all the latest episode because I don't want

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Speaker 1: you to miss out on any of our amazing conversations

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Speaker 1: or solos. We've had some phenomenal guests lately, so many

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Speaker 1: more coming up. Make sure you don't miss out now.

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Speaker 1: Today's episode is all about the ways to know if

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Speaker 1: it's time to end your relationship now. Sometimes it's not

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Speaker 1: as clear, Sometimes it's not that bad. Sometimes it's not

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Speaker 1: the end of the world yet. And often we'll find

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Speaker 1: that people in our life, and maybe even you, have

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Speaker 1: had moments where you end a relationship and then you

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Speaker 1: realize it ended twelve months ago, it ended twenty four

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Speaker 1: months ago.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: How many times have you left a job, left a relationship,

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Speaker 1: maybe even a friendship, and then when you reflected on it,

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Speaker 1: you realize, wait a minute, that was over such a

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Speaker 1: long time ago, and I've just wasted time. This is

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Speaker 1: to help you get that head start. It's to help

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Speaker 1: you save time. This episode is dedicated to anyone who's

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Speaker 1: been going back and forth in their mind. I'm thinking

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Speaker 1: I deserve better and my settling is this the right

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Speaker 1: person for me?

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Speaker 2: How do I know?

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Speaker 1: Now? I want to start by saying one thing I

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Speaker 1: think today, because we live in a world of what

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Speaker 1: seems like infinite choice and what seems like available love,

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Speaker 1: I think we actually make bad decisions right. The studies

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Speaker 1: have always shown that the more choice we have, the

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Speaker 1: less good our decisions are. As humans, we struggle to

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Speaker 1: pick cereal in the ceial hour, We struggle to pick

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Speaker 1: the right pickle, or whatever else it may be. Because

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Speaker 1: we're exposed to so many choices, and now that the

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Speaker 1: dating world has caught up with the consumer world, that's

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Speaker 1: the same experience we have. We all believe there's plenty

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Speaker 1: more fish in thecy We believe that there's someone else

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Speaker 1: who'll tick nine out of ten boxes if someone that

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Speaker 1: we currently are with is seven out of ten. And

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Speaker 1: so a lot of us don't think about building growing relationships.

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Speaker 1: We think about finding and discovering. And that language in

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Speaker 1: and of itself is such a big challenge. Right when

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Speaker 1: you're thinking I'm going to find my person, I'm just

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Speaker 1: going to find them. They're going to be ready made,

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Speaker 1: They're going to be as they are, rather than the

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Speaker 1: truth that we're probably going to have to build with

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Speaker 1: someone or grow with someone. See, the truth is relationships

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Speaker 1: get harder, not easier. People put in less effort, not more,

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Speaker 1: People get lazier, not smarter, and people change, they rarely

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Speaker 1: stay the same. So, knowing that this is the reality

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Speaker 1: of relationships, when we want to be in a long term, committed,

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Speaker 1: loyal relationship, what we're saying is I'm willing to build,

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Speaker 1: I'm willing to grow, and I'm willing to learn. That's

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Speaker 1: actually what we're signing up for. And I think the

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Speaker 1: reason why so many of us want to move because

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Speaker 1: we feel we're not building anymore, we're not growing anymore,

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Speaker 1: we're not learning anymore. We never did. And so today

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Speaker 1: I want to answer that question, is it really time

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Speaker 1: to leave? Do you have real reason to leave and

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Speaker 1: move on? Or is it really just a part of

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Speaker 1: us that doesn't want to put in the effort. We

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Speaker 1: just want to enjoy the six months honeymoon period. We

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Speaker 1: just want to enjoy the good times, but we're not

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Speaker 1: really ready for a long term, committed, layal relationship.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 1: I was looking at a study and researchers asked people

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Speaker 1: considering whether to end their relationship what factors someone in

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Speaker 1: their shoes might weigh when making the decision. Respondents came

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Speaker 1: up with a number of reasons, which researchers classified into

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Speaker 1: fifty common themes. But here are the top ten pros

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Speaker 1: and cons people suggested. So these were the top ten

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Speaker 1: reasons people said that they would stay in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: Number one emotional intimacy. If you felt emotional intimacy, then

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Speaker 1: that was a good reason to stay. Now, let's talk

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Speaker 1: about what emotional intimacy is. Emotional intimacy I also describe

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Speaker 1: often as emotional availability. When you want to share your feelings,

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Speaker 1: when you want to share your thoughts, is the other

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Speaker 1: person available? Are they able to listen, recognize, understand and

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Speaker 1: comprehend what you're feeling? Intimacy emotionally is a sense of closeness.

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Speaker 1: You feel like the other person gets you and understands you.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 1: Of course, not all the time, and not when they're

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Speaker 1: under stress, and not when there's lots of other stuff

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Speaker 1: going on, but overall, you feel that they get you,

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Speaker 1: they understand you, they're willing to go there with you emotionally.

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Speaker 1: The second reason to stay was emotional investment. Notice how

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Speaker 1: the word emotional has already come up twice out of

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Speaker 1: two in a list of ten. Are you feeling emotionally

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Speaker 1: invested in this relationship? Do you feel like the person

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Speaker 1: cares about how you feel? This is one of the

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Speaker 1: most important questions. Does this person care about how you

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Speaker 1: feel right? Do they care that you feel good or

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Speaker 1: feel bad? Do they care that you're struggling.

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Speaker 2: Or you're doing well?

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Speaker 1: And a lot of the times we don't ask this question.

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Speaker 2: Do we care?

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Speaker 1: Are we always the one trying to get this person

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Speaker 1: to change and be different, or do we have the

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Speaker 1: capacity also to emotionally invest in them. The third reason

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Speaker 1: people said to stay was family duty. Now this one's

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Speaker 1: a tough one because everyone has different values around this.

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Speaker 1: I recently had a great conversation with doctor Daniel aim

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Speaker 1: And around how to raise children and the scientific reasons

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Speaker 1: as to whether people should stay together or move apart,

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Speaker 1: And what was very very clear was all about the

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Speaker 1: quality of the relationship. I think one thing we don't

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Speaker 1: recognize is I often say to people that life is

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Speaker 1: shorter than you think, but longer than you think as well. Right,

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Speaker 1: it's shorter in the sense that we need to make

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Speaker 1: the most of our time, but it's longer when you

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Speaker 1: don't make the most of your time and now you're

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Speaker 1: in a bad position for ten twenty thirty years. So

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Speaker 1: family duty is a double ed sword. Number four reasons

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Speaker 1: to say partner's personality. Do you actually like them or

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Speaker 1: are you always trying to mold them? Are you always

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Speaker 1: trying to shift them? Are you always wanting them to

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Speaker 1: be better? What is your partner's personality like? Are you

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Speaker 1: always thinking, oh gosh, I wish they didn't say that

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Speaker 1: in the public setting. Are you always feeling awkward or

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable around them in their behavior towards you and others,

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Speaker 1: Or is that something you always knew and it was

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Speaker 1: quirky and something you liked about them. Number five is enjoyment.

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Speaker 1: Notice how as relationships grow, enjoyment has gone down. Right,

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Speaker 1: Having a good time would have been top of the

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Speaker 1: pile back in the day, but now it's halfway through.

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Speaker 1: Now a lot of people think that's because the spark's gone.

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Speaker 1: A lot of people think that's because it's not fun anymore.

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Speaker 1: The truth is that long term relationships give us very

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Speaker 1: different things from short term relationships. Long term relationships give

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Speaker 1: us that emotional intimacy, that emotional investment, and what number

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Speaker 1: six is emotional security that becomes far more meaningful and

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Speaker 1: valuable to us as individuals as relationships grow. Now I'm

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Speaker 1: not saying that you can't still have enjoyment or have fun,

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Speaker 1: of course you can. But what I'm saying is that

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Speaker 1: different things become more important as time goes on. When

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Speaker 1: you're emotionally secure, you feel that the other person won't

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Speaker 1: use your emotional expression against you. That's what emotional security means.

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Speaker 1: You feel that the secrets you've shared, the flaws you've shown,

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Speaker 1: the issues concerns that you've raised will not be used

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Speaker 1: against you. If you feel that they're going to be

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Speaker 1: used against you, that means you feel emotionally insecure. You

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Speaker 1: don't trust that someone actually values what you're experiencing and

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Speaker 1: going through. Now, I want to draw a line here

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Speaker 1: because I think for a lot of us, a lot

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Speaker 1: of us can feel that, but then our partners may

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Speaker 1: actually say something like, but I don't know where you

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Speaker 1: got that from, right, I'm not sure I feel like

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Speaker 1: I'm showing you that we're emotionally secure. We have to

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Speaker 1: really differentiate between whether what we're feeling is based on

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Speaker 1: a past insecurity or whether it's based on a present insecurity.

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Speaker 1: Listen to this carefully. Is your emotional insecurity based on

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Speaker 1: past experiences or is it based on this individual? The

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Speaker 1: way to understand this is to ask yourself the question,

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Speaker 1: has this person done things independent of what I've been

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Speaker 1: through in the past that have made me feel emotionally insecure?

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Speaker 1: Or actually do why I have an insecurity that I

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Speaker 1: have been carrying from relationship to relationship to relationship that

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Speaker 1: continues to have a stronghold in my life. Number seven

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Speaker 1: is physical intimacy. Feeling like there still is a space

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Speaker 1: to explore that, to express that there's an excitement from

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Speaker 1: both sides. Number eight reason to stay was financial benefits.

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Speaker 1: This is something that's unspoken about, but marriage and relationships

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Speaker 1: were built on the idea that it would be easier

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Speaker 1: to rent a bigger space together, it would be easier

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Speaker 1: to split the costs of the grocery build. Right, there

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Speaker 1: were financial needs that needed to be met. Number nine

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Speaker 1: is compatibility and number ten is concern for partner. Right,

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Speaker 1: do you feel a sense of concern now that one

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Speaker 1: again can be a double ed sword, because I know

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Speaker 1: a lot of people that have spoken to who felt

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Speaker 1: that they were staying in the relationship because it positively

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Speaker 1: benefited their partner, even if it negatively affected them. So

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Speaker 1: you think, if I leave this relationship, that person's going

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Speaker 1: to fall apart, but you're falling apart in the relationship

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Speaker 1: trying to keep them together.

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Speaker 2: Think about that for a second.

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Speaker 1: So often you stay in a relationship because you don't

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Speaker 1: want someone else to fall apart, not really that you're

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Speaker 1: falling apart while you're trying to keep them together. If

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Speaker 1: you fall apart while you're trying to keep someone else together,

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Speaker 1: then it's a losing battle, and so sometimes your concern

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Speaker 1: for your partner can be false compassion, right.

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Speaker 2: False compassion is this.

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Speaker 1: Belief that we can solve, fix, figure out someone else's problems,

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Speaker 1: and that if we're in their life then they'll be okay,

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Speaker 1: even if that means we're not okay. And I know

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Speaker 1: people right now who are going through breakups and divorces

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Speaker 1: who have tried to do that for ten years. And

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Speaker 1: the sad and most horrific part of it is that

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Speaker 1: the people who have been negatively affected at them now.

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Speaker 1: In the same study, the top ten reasons to leave.

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Speaker 1: Listen to this. This is what people considering whether to

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Speaker 1: end their relationship. These were the top ten reasons they

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Speaker 1: gave to leave. I'm hoping that as you're hearing this,

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Speaker 1: you're not on your own. I'm hoping that as your

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Speaker 1: list you're thinking, gosh, that is why I'm staying, and

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Speaker 1: that's a good reason, or that is why I'm staying,

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Speaker 1: and I'm not sure that that maybe not the best

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Speaker 1: reason to stay. Because the truth is it's a subjective choice.

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Speaker 1: It's not about whether I think it's good for you

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Speaker 1: to leave or move on. It's important for you to

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Speaker 1: weigh up what's valuable to you. Some of you may

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Speaker 1: be able to live a life of complete sacrifice and

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Speaker 1: feel that that's your value and that's okay, and some

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Speaker 1: of you will think, I don't want to sacrifice any

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Speaker 1: more time on this, I need to move. So reasons

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Speaker 1: to leave top ten. The first one was partner's personality.

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Speaker 1: If you didn't like your partner's personality, it was time

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Speaker 1: to leave. It was time to move on because that's

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Speaker 1: a personality that you'll be living with for a long time.

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Speaker 2: Number two pretty obvious. One.

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Speaker 1: Breach of trust felt like a good enough reason to leave.

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Speaker 1: I think that this one. What's important is recognizing whether

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Speaker 1: you're willing to live with the consequences of the breach

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Speaker 1: of trust or whether you can't, whether you're willing to

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Speaker 1: forgive and move on and not keep making it an

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Speaker 1: important factor, or whether you're saying to yourself, no, this

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Speaker 1: was make or break for me. Third a reason to

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Speaker 1: leave was partner withdrawal. This one's a hard one again

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Speaker 1: to gauge, but an important one to note. Sometimes we

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Speaker 1: see our partner's disinterest and apathy as withdrawal, and the

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Speaker 1: truth is everyone is kind of going in that direction.

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Speaker 1: The more time you spend with someone, it's likely that

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Speaker 1: there is an apathy. There's a neutrality that develops over time.

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Speaker 1: And really what it is is comfort. We get comfortable

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Speaker 1: with someone, and therefore we get apathetic, We get neutral,

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Speaker 1: We become disinterested. Right, what's you way have for dinner?

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Speaker 1: Are whatever you want?

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Speaker 2: Oh? Should we fix the shared or the garage? Oh?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, whatever you want. There's a kind of like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I don't care about that. And because someone doesn't care

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Speaker 1: about something, that doesn't mean they don't care about us.

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Speaker 1: But what we've started to say is that I care

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Speaker 1: about this, I care about redecorating the house, I care

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Speaker 1: about fixing this part the home, whatever it may be,

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Speaker 1: And if you don't care about it, then you don't

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Speaker 1: care about me. What we've done is we've outsourced how

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Speaker 1: we see caring for us. And the problem with that

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Speaker 1: is someone could very well say to you know, I

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Speaker 1: do care about you, I just don't care about that.

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Speaker 1: And I think it's really important that we reintegrate ourselves

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Speaker 1: into our definition of care. How does someone behave with us?

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Speaker 1: How does someone care about us as opposed to the

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Speaker 1: things that we care about as a priority of how

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Speaker 1: they show care for us. Is there another way they

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Speaker 1: can show care? Is there another way they do show care?

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Speaker 1: Number four was an external reason. Number five was physical

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Speaker 1: distance ready reason to leave. Number six was conflict. I

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Speaker 1: think if you're fighting again and again and again, if it's.

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Speaker 2: Always back and forth, that's the reason to leave.

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of people also go through this

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Speaker 1: period of we make up, then we break up, we

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Speaker 1: make up, then we break up, we make up, then

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Speaker 1: we break up. You're always thinking about breaking up, You're

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Speaker 1: always thinking about how to break up, but you don't

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Speaker 1: know how. That's a good reason to leave. I think

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Speaker 1: a lot of us are scared to break up because

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Speaker 1: of what it means. It means loneliness, It means weekends

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Speaker 1: and evenings alone, It means having that uncomfortable, awkward conversation

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Speaker 1: that we don't want to have.

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Speaker 2: Right, all of these.

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Speaker 1: Conflicts and the conflict we're feeling in our mind can

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Speaker 1: be a good reason to leave. Number eight was emotional distance.

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Speaker 1: Number nine was lack of validation. This one's a big one.

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of people. The more and more

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Speaker 1: people I meet, I've realized most people don't get validated

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Speaker 1: at work or at home and all of us want validation,

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Speaker 1: but we're scared to ask for it.

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Speaker 2: It's a really.

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Speaker 1: Interesting paradox, right we all want to get validated, we're

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Speaker 1: a bit nervous to ask for it because it makes

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Speaker 1: us look weak, and no one ever gets validated. So

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Speaker 1: what I want you to do with the validation point

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Speaker 1: is I want you to take an opportunity to validate

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Speaker 1: your partner, to validate that person for something genuine. I

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Speaker 1: think sometimes we also validate on like superficial flattery and

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Speaker 1: that never lands with that person. We validate on something

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Speaker 1: really arbitrary and random, and it just doesn't land with

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Speaker 1: that person. I want you to validate them for something

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Speaker 1: really meaningful, something that was important to them, And I

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Speaker 1: want you to see if you can start building that

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Speaker 1: validation culture inside your relationship. I think it's really important

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Speaker 1: to build a validation culture and system in your relationship,

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Speaker 1: but you often have to lead it and it has

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Speaker 1: to be around something genuine and sincere. And number ten

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Speaker 1: reason to leave was lack of financial benefits. Now, I

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Speaker 1: want to break down for you a couple of ways

300
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Speaker 1: to know whether it's time to leave or whether there's

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00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,720
Speaker 1: still room to work on something I remember learning during

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Speaker 1: my time as a monk about the three cancers of

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Speaker 1: the mind, and we were taught that they were complaining, comparing,

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Speaker 1: and criticizing. And I found that these three are very

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Speaker 1: true in a relationship. We feel like leaving a relationship

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00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:38,560
Speaker 1: when there's a lot of complaining, comparing, and criticizing. Complaining

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Speaker 1: is like you never do this, you always do that.

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Speaker 1: You're never around, you're always late. And often we complain

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Speaker 1: to people who are not even our partners. Right, You've

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Speaker 1: got friends over for dinner and they say, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: what time does Jeff usually get home? Oh, we don't

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Speaker 1: talk about that in this house. We don't talk about

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Speaker 1: that in this house. Complaining it's almost passive aggressive. And

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Speaker 1: what that does is it chips away. Complaining chips away.

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Speaker 1: Venting to each other is fine. And the question I

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Speaker 1: want to ask you is can you grow from complaining

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Speaker 1: to communicating? So instead of using passive aggressive statements to

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Speaker 1: tell your partner how you feel, could you take a

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Speaker 1: moment and say, I feel that when you come home late,

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Speaker 1: it makes me feel this way. But I wanted to

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00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:35,120
Speaker 1: understand why you choose to come home late, or what's

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Speaker 1: your reasoning for coming home late, What's you're reasoning for

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Speaker 1: working hard, recognizing that maybe that's their identity, maybe that's

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Speaker 1: conditioning they have. Often, when we feel we're healed, we

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00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,560
Speaker 1: think we can see other people's conditioning, but we can't

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Speaker 1: see the way we feel is our conditioning. So I

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Speaker 1: often ask couples, can you move from complaining to communicating?

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Speaker 1: If we continue to complain, we just keep pushing each

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Speaker 1: other further on, further away. Right when you see the

330
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,399
Speaker 1: dishes aren't done, you don't say to the make can

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Speaker 1: you get the dishes done today? Because you've said that

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00:20:10,359 --> 00:20:13,280
Speaker 1: too many times. It now becomes you wait a week,

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00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,120
Speaker 1: and then you go, well, the dishes are always left there.

334
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:19,280
Speaker 1: It's complaining. How do we communicate? How do we set systems?

335
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:25,400
Speaker 1: Because sometimes we've over communicated, but we haven't created systems

336
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:30,120
Speaker 1: of how things run in the household. We haven't created

337
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:34,920
Speaker 1: commitments to overcome complaining. Another big one for when it's

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00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,679
Speaker 1: time to move on is comparing. I think a lot

339
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:40,320
Speaker 1: of people live through this, but it's really hard to stomach.

340
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,480
Speaker 1: Oh did you know so and so drops his kids

341
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Speaker 1: to school every morning?

342
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:45,680
Speaker 2: Oh did you know? Oh have you seen what she's

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Speaker 2: been doing building her business? Oh?

344
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Speaker 1: My gosh, Oh my god, have you seen what he's done?

345
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:51,239
Speaker 2: Oh? Look at him.

346
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Speaker 1: He was on the front cover of that magazine or

347
00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:56,200
Speaker 1: whatever it is. Right, Oh, did you see what she's

348
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,040
Speaker 1: been up to? Oh my gosh, Like, yeah, she just

349
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:06,439
Speaker 1: got a promotion. Comparing. Comparing is so painful and create

350
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Speaker 1: so much emotional distance. Because here's what you've done with comparing.

351
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Speaker 1: When you compare your partner to someone else, you've not

352
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,920
Speaker 1: only made them emotionally distant from you, You've made them

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00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:24,639
Speaker 1: feel emotionally distant from the person you compared them with.

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00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:28,720
Speaker 1: They now start to dislike that person. So you've now

355
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,880
Speaker 1: created an emotional distance from them there, and of course

356
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Speaker 1: when you're comparing them, they're now feeling distant from you.

357
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:40,440
Speaker 1: And the question is can you collaborate? Is there still

358
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:43,360
Speaker 1: a room to collaborate? Can you say to your partner, Hey,

359
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,000
Speaker 1: you know what I know that this is your goal.

360
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,040
Speaker 1: Can I help you with it?

361
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:46,720
Speaker 2: Hey?

362
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,439
Speaker 1: You know this is something I'm struggling with. Can you

363
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:49,200
Speaker 1: help me with it?

364
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:51,119
Speaker 2: Hey? Can we collaborate?

365
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,080
Speaker 1: Because when we're comparing, what we're saying is someone else

366
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:59,720
Speaker 1: is collaborating better? Can we use language that motivates in

367
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:04,720
Speaker 1: spe buyers and encourages our partners rather than degrades, makes

368
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:08,719
Speaker 1: them feel downtrodom, makes them feel disrespected. So much of

369
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:14,920
Speaker 1: our language with our partners is demanding, degrading, and disrespectful.

370
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Speaker 1: How is someone going to change if you're being demanding, disrespectful,

371
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:25,200
Speaker 1: or degrading. I don't understand which human psychology that works

372
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:29,840
Speaker 1: in So instead of comparing, comparing is the lowest form

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Speaker 1: of disrespect. It makes someone else feel small, makes someone

374
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Speaker 1: else you know, feel big, which makes them feel you

375
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,800
Speaker 1: like that person, whether you like them sexually or intimately.

376
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Speaker 1: It makes them feel like you find someone else attractive. Comparing,

377
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:49,360
Speaker 1: if it's ongoing, repetitive, and especially if it gets very disrespectful,

378
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Speaker 1: is a reason for people to leave. Now criticizing criticizing

379
00:22:55,040 --> 00:23:00,840
Speaker 1: is something that has many different levels. There's banter and

380
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,280
Speaker 1: then there's real criticism, and there's criticism.

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Speaker 2: That you believe.

382
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:07,600
Speaker 1: And I would encourage you all to ask, is there

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00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:11,280
Speaker 1: room to celebrate your partner? Is there something worth celebrating

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00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:13,760
Speaker 1: in them? Now? I'm not saying any of this is

385
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:17,520
Speaker 1: to make you overcome or ignore toxic behavior by a partner.

386
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:21,320
Speaker 1: If you're experiencing a toxic behavior pattern, if you're experiencing

387
00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:24,400
Speaker 1: a repetitive pattern. This isn't about you thinking you can

388
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:27,040
Speaker 1: solve it or making better. It's asking you the question

389
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:30,320
Speaker 1: is there room for celebration or has the criticism gone

390
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:33,600
Speaker 1: too far? It's time to leave when you don't respect

391
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:38,160
Speaker 1: their values and they don't respect yours. What that means

392
00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:41,240
Speaker 1: is if you want them to change. If you're thinking,

393
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Speaker 1: if they change, I can stay with them. If you're

394
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,040
Speaker 1: thinking if they don't change, then I can't be with them,

395
00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:50,080
Speaker 1: then it's time to leave because chances are they are

396
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,320
Speaker 1: that person now. Of course they change. People grow and

397
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:55,800
Speaker 1: change all the time. But if you're asking for a

398
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,720
Speaker 1: big change, like they're not ambitious, you want them to

399
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:03,280
Speaker 1: be driven, the super organized and career driven, and you

400
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:06,160
Speaker 1: want them to be laid back. Often we want our

401
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,680
Speaker 1: partners to be the exact opposites of who they are.

402
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:12,639
Speaker 1: If you want your partner to be the exact opposite

403
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:16,879
Speaker 1: of who they are, ask yourself, could you be the

404
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:18,760
Speaker 1: exact opposite of.

405
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:19,440
Speaker 2: Who you are?

406
00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:25,359
Speaker 1: Could you change one eighty your behaviors, your patterns, your actions,

407
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:29,400
Speaker 1: your values, your goals? Could you change them? If your

408
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:33,760
Speaker 1: career driven, could you completely let go of them? If

409
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:36,919
Speaker 1: you're laid back, could you get really focused and driven.

410
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:40,120
Speaker 1: We want to be with people that respect our values,

411
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:43,320
Speaker 1: and we need to be people who.

412
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:44,359
Speaker 2: Respect their values.

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00:24:45,119 --> 00:24:47,199
Speaker 1: Now, I want to give you one last tool that

414
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:50,520
Speaker 1: I think will be really helpful. Often in our relationships,

415
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:52,879
Speaker 1: what we do is we like to keep score. I

416
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,800
Speaker 1: cleaned the dishes last three nights in a row. I

417
00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:58,800
Speaker 1: took the trash out every time for the last month.

418
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:02,720
Speaker 1: Rop the kids to school every single day. Right, we

419
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:06,480
Speaker 1: keep this score. And the interesting thing is our score

420
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:11,800
Speaker 1: is based on our scorecard. So if your scorecard is money,

421
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:16,960
Speaker 1: I pay all the bills, then that's the scorecard you use. Now,

422
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:21,800
Speaker 1: if your partner scorecard is family, which I consider to

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00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:26,320
Speaker 1: be more emotional, then they're measuring it on that scorecard.

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00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:29,720
Speaker 1: And if you've really got to a point. I don't

425
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:33,240
Speaker 1: like keeping score, but sometimes this activity has been really

426
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:37,360
Speaker 1: helpful for people. I've tested it with expand your scorecard.

427
00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:48,080
Speaker 1: The scorecard is now not only financial, it's physical, mental, financial, emotional, spiritual.

428
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:54,720
Speaker 1: Ask yourself in your relationship, who is leading the way

429
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:58,560
Speaker 1: in different parts of the relationship physically, who takes care

430
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:02,520
Speaker 1: of the home, who takes care of the groceries, physically,

431
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,800
Speaker 1: who takes care of the kids and the family physically,

432
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:07,159
Speaker 1: Who is doing that physical work?

433
00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:10,560
Speaker 2: Give them one point? Now?

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Speaker 1: Mental, who is mentally supporting the relationship? Who helps you

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Speaker 1: push through tough times? Who stays in a positive attitude,

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Speaker 1: who's the person who stays resilient?

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Speaker 2: Now? Financial, who's taking care of the bills? Now?

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Speaker 1: Emotional, who's always emotionally available, who's always there, who always

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Speaker 1: picks up the phone, who always checks in? And spiritual?

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Speaker 1: Who's guiding you spiritually? Who's helping you with your faith?

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Speaker 1: Who's helping you with the practices and habits that make

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Speaker 1: you feel better? Now, if you're looking at all five

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Speaker 1: of these scorecards, and you're doing four out of the five,

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Speaker 1: fair enough, chances are you'll find most relationships are more

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Speaker 1: equally divided, and maybe there's a three over two. But

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Speaker 1: what we don't recognize is it's hard to weigh these equally.

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Speaker 1: But I can honestly say that my wife emotionally manages

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Speaker 1: the relationship. She's always helping us be in the right mood.

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Speaker 1: She's always creating fun energy, She's always creating this beautiful

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Speaker 1: space for us to live in. Physically, she creates an

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Speaker 1: amazing space it's so easy to forget these things because

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Speaker 1: we're looking down a very limited lens. I really hope

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Speaker 1: that this episode helps you first not feel alone, second,

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Speaker 1: reflect on what you can do to not have to

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Speaker 1: end this relationship. And thirdly, if you do decide to end,

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Speaker 1: it gives you good reasoning, makes you feel certain and

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Speaker 1: confident in your decision. Thank you so much for listening

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Speaker 1: to On Purpose. Makesure you go listen to another episode

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Speaker 1: with a guest or a solo right now. Make sure

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00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:01,760
Speaker 1: you've subscribed, make sure you've downloaded the latest episodes, and

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00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:06,000
Speaker 1: remember this. I'm forever in your corner and I'm always

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Speaker 1: rooting for you. Thank you for listening. If you love

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Speaker 1: this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew

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00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:15,639
Speaker 1: Hussey on how to get over your ex and find

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Speaker 1: true love in your relationships. People should be compassionate to

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Speaker 1: themselves that extend that compassion to your future self, because

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Speaker 1: truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing

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Speaker 1: something that gives him or her a shot at a

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Speaker 1: happy and a peaceful life,