WEBVTT - Victoria Garrick Browne and The Hidden Opponent: athlete mental health 0:00:02.240 --> 0:00:05.640 Welcome to a special episode of Serving Pancakes with League 0:00:05.680 --> 0:00:09.800 One Volleyball. I'm your host, Tiffany Oshinsky. May is Mental 0:00:09.840 --> 0:00:12.680 Health Awareness Month, and so I'm excited to have Victoria 0:00:12.720 --> 0:00:15.080 Garrick Brown as my guest today to talk about the 0:00:15.120 --> 0:00:19.160 importance of mental health. Victoria is a Forbes thirty Under 0:00:19.239 --> 0:00:23.840 Thirty honoree, TEDx Talk speaker, mental health advocate, podcast host, 0:00:23.960 --> 0:00:27.200 and a former Division one volleyball player who has amassed 0:00:27.240 --> 0:00:30.360 over two million followers across social media, where she's known 0:00:30.400 --> 0:00:35.000 for her unfiltered campaign hashtag real Post. Victoria was a 0:00:35.040 --> 0:00:37.800 four year starter and PAC twelve champion for the University 0:00:37.800 --> 0:00:40.479 of Southern California, where she finished her career with the 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:44.120 top five most digs in program history. When she was 0:00:44.120 --> 0:00:46.919 a sophomore at USC, she shared her story of battling 0:00:46.960 --> 0:00:50.519 and overcoming depression and anxiety in a twenty seventeen teed 0:00:50.720 --> 0:00:54.480 X Talk, which has led her on this journey destigmatizing 0:00:54.480 --> 0:00:57.880 the conversation around mental health and encouraging people to be 0:00:57.960 --> 0:01:02.880 their unfiltered selves through her non profit, The Hidden Opponent. Victoria, 0:01:03.000 --> 0:01:06.080 thank you so much for joining me on Serving Pancakes. 0:01:06.360 --> 0:01:09.160 Thank you, Tiffany I'm so happy to be here, and 0:01:09.440 --> 0:01:10.679 I'm just excited. 0:01:10.240 --> 0:01:12.640 To chat with you, very excited to chat with you 0:01:12.640 --> 0:01:15.200 because this is such an important topic. Mental health is 0:01:15.200 --> 0:01:18.960 an important topic that you know, as you have learned 0:01:18.959 --> 0:01:21.959 and you have talked about, is sometimes you know, stigmatized 0:01:21.959 --> 0:01:23.520 as something that we can't talk about, that people are 0:01:23.560 --> 0:01:26.679 afraid to talk about. So I actually want to start 0:01:26.720 --> 0:01:31.480 this conversation at your twenty seventeen TED X talk because 0:01:32.000 --> 0:01:35.560 I feel like that is kind of where this journey 0:01:35.600 --> 0:01:38.720 that you've that you're now on kind of began. It's 0:01:38.720 --> 0:01:40.720 where I feel like you're willing to all of a 0:01:40.760 --> 0:01:43.560 sudden open yourself up and share your thoughts and everything 0:01:43.600 --> 0:01:46.800 that's going on with your own personal mental health struggles. 0:01:47.120 --> 0:01:50.000 So talk to me about the lead up to this 0:01:50.120 --> 0:01:52.800 TED talk. What made you decide to do this? 0:01:53.240 --> 0:01:58.040 Yeah, definitely, And you're right, like that was the domino. 0:01:57.760 --> 0:02:00.560 That changed the trajectory of my life. 0:02:00.640 --> 0:02:04.360 It's crazy that you just never know, like how something 0:02:04.440 --> 0:02:07.120 is gonna affect your future. And I never sought out 0:02:07.120 --> 0:02:09.280 to be a mental health advocate. I never thought I 0:02:09.320 --> 0:02:13.000 would found a charity Like these were not things when 0:02:13.000 --> 0:02:14.639 I went to college, I was like, that's what I'm 0:02:14.639 --> 0:02:16.359 gonna be doing. I kind of thought I would be 0:02:16.440 --> 0:02:19.160 a sports broadcaster because I liked media and I liked 0:02:19.200 --> 0:02:21.160 being in front of the camera and I loved sports. 0:02:21.400 --> 0:02:25.080 But I didn't really know and so as far as like, 0:02:25.120 --> 0:02:27.120 how did I end up there if that wasn't the plan? 0:02:27.200 --> 0:02:30.000 And I'm very type A. I always have a plan, 0:02:30.040 --> 0:02:32.600 and I think a lot of elite athletes and follyball 0:02:32.639 --> 0:02:35.160 players people who might listen to this podcast are similar, 0:02:35.240 --> 0:02:37.400 Like you want to make the ones team next year, 0:02:37.480 --> 0:02:38.800 then you want to get recruited to the same then 0:02:38.840 --> 0:02:40.200 you want to be this position, and then this girl's 0:02:40.240 --> 0:02:42.200 gonna graduate so you can step into the starting spot. 0:02:42.200 --> 0:02:43.440 Like we always have a. 0:02:43.360 --> 0:02:48.040 Plan, right, So I think I just felt like when 0:02:48.080 --> 0:02:51.080 I got to playing Division and volleyball USC while it 0:02:51.120 --> 0:02:53.320 wasn't dream come true and I would do it ten 0:02:53.360 --> 0:02:56.160 out of ten times, again, I'm so grateful for my experience. 0:02:56.520 --> 0:03:00.440 It was a lot more challenging than I have ever 0:03:00.520 --> 0:03:02.560 imagined nor was. 0:03:02.480 --> 0:03:03.880 I prepared to face. 0:03:04.360 --> 0:03:08.840 So I just started to really struggle with performance anxiety, 0:03:09.480 --> 0:03:11.840 and you know when I wasn't able to figure out 0:03:11.880 --> 0:03:14.520 how to cope with that, getting really nervous before games, 0:03:14.639 --> 0:03:17.360 and just feeling like I was losing control. 0:03:17.040 --> 0:03:18.680 Of like my mind and my confidence. 0:03:19.120 --> 0:03:21.600 I didn't have the words for it because I didn't think, 0:03:21.840 --> 0:03:24.840 you know, I could have been struggling with mental health issue. 0:03:24.880 --> 0:03:28.040 And then I also thought that it was so stigmatized 0:03:28.040 --> 0:03:29.760 that I didn't want anyone to know because I wanted 0:03:29.760 --> 0:03:31.680 my teammates to trust me on the court. I wanted 0:03:31.680 --> 0:03:34.560 my coach to keep playing me in the games. So 0:03:34.720 --> 0:03:36.800 you know, I kept that to myself. And then because 0:03:36.800 --> 0:03:39.520 I was suppressing my anxiety and not dealing with those 0:03:39.560 --> 0:03:43.760 emotions that expedited might fall into a depressive episode my 0:03:43.840 --> 0:03:46.280 sophomore year, and I just ended up getting to a 0:03:46.360 --> 0:03:50.360 place where I was so low that I couldn't ignore 0:03:51.320 --> 0:03:55.040 the struggle that I was in. And then once I 0:03:55.120 --> 0:03:57.200 sought the help and I was going to a therapist, 0:03:57.320 --> 0:04:00.920 and I was learning more about the fact that, hey, 0:04:00.960 --> 0:04:04.160 I'm in a really high pressure environment. You're probably going 0:04:04.280 --> 0:04:08.040 to crack at some point or break under the pressure. 0:04:08.120 --> 0:04:10.800 And that's okay, a lot of people do. But here's 0:04:10.800 --> 0:04:13.040 how we recover, right, Like, I started to put those 0:04:13.080 --> 0:04:16.120 pieces together and feel less ashamed of what I was 0:04:16.200 --> 0:04:19.000 going through. And so once I got to that point 0:04:20.040 --> 0:04:26.640 that coupled with my like traditionally outgoing personality and like 0:04:26.760 --> 0:04:29.440 I said, desire to be in media and write, and 0:04:29.520 --> 0:04:32.040 I was studying journalism, I was like, we need to 0:04:32.080 --> 0:04:35.720 talk about this story. So that was like something in 0:04:35.800 --> 0:04:37.720 the back of my mind, you know, as I would 0:04:37.760 --> 0:04:40.960 go to Annenberg and I would report on, you know, 0:04:41.000 --> 0:04:43.320 our little news segment about what was happening with the 0:04:43.440 --> 0:04:46.600 USC sports teams. But then I would think, this feels 0:04:46.640 --> 0:04:48.800 like it doesn't matter, Like we need to go to 0:04:48.839 --> 0:04:51.520 an athlete, grab their shoulders and say are you okay? 0:04:51.839 --> 0:04:52.839 Like how are you feeling? 0:04:52.920 --> 0:04:55.160 Forget about the game, forget about the points, like how 0:04:55.240 --> 0:04:56.800 are you as a human being? 0:04:56.960 --> 0:04:59.159 You know, That's what I was caring the most about. 0:04:59.360 --> 0:05:02.360 And so as far as the TEDx talk, I was 0:05:02.400 --> 0:05:04.240 sitting in a class on a Wednesday night and I 0:05:04.279 --> 0:05:07.520 saw an email come through with the subject line I 0:05:07.680 --> 0:05:08.680 say this all the time. 0:05:08.880 --> 0:05:09.680 I don't know if. 0:05:09.560 --> 0:05:11.720 I've made it up over the years or it's just 0:05:12.120 --> 0:05:13.440 I don't know if I've made it up over the 0:05:13.520 --> 0:05:15.200 years because it's what it felt like to me, or 0:05:15.200 --> 0:05:16.960 if it's what it really said. I think it's what 0:05:17.040 --> 0:05:19.640 it really said, but I swear it said like, once 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:23.200 in a lifetime opportunity like ted X talk at USC 0:05:23.839 --> 0:05:27.360 So immediately I was like, I'm zoning out of this lecture. 0:05:27.480 --> 0:05:30.400 I'm copy and pasting the diary notes I've been writing 0:05:30.440 --> 0:05:33.600 in my phone about these crazy days and all my 0:05:33.720 --> 0:05:38.800 emotions and my feels, and I'm applying. And I got 0:05:38.920 --> 0:05:42.480 called back, and I went through the process and I 0:05:42.560 --> 0:05:44.960 actually got cut. At one point they were like, there's 0:05:45.080 --> 0:05:47.960 too many teed X talks on mental health already, and 0:05:48.080 --> 0:05:51.760 this was twenty seventeen. There were probably three. I mean that, 0:05:52.320 --> 0:05:54.880 don't backcheck me on that, because I'm sure there were more, 0:05:55.160 --> 0:05:57.440 and there are many amazing people who were like, you know, 0:05:57.560 --> 0:05:59.200 paving the way for these conversations. 0:05:59.320 --> 0:06:01.960 But I was like, come on now, like I've literally. 0:06:01.760 --> 0:06:04.440 Googled athlete mental health and really felt like I found 0:06:04.880 --> 0:06:05.920 nothing on the internet. 0:06:06.000 --> 0:06:08.360 Imagine that, like so much has changed. 0:06:09.320 --> 0:06:11.680 So then when I did get like called back at 0:06:11.720 --> 0:06:13.720 the last minute, actually, we do want to see you 0:06:13.760 --> 0:06:17.240 one more time. I remember going in and being like 0:06:17.880 --> 0:06:19.599 looking all of them dead in the eye and saying, 0:06:20.000 --> 0:06:22.599 I don't know who you're interviewing and auditioning. I don't 0:06:22.640 --> 0:06:25.280 know what their story is. I'm sure it's lovely. I 0:06:25.520 --> 0:06:28.880 promise you that we need to talk about this. There's 0:06:28.920 --> 0:06:33.800 a massive epidemic of an athlete mental health crisis. No 0:06:33.880 --> 0:06:36.479 one's talking about it. And whether I scared them into 0:06:36.560 --> 0:06:39.440 it or they bought my elevator pitch, they chose me 0:06:39.520 --> 0:06:42.200 as one of the speakers. So I got to work 0:06:42.240 --> 0:06:46.600 on write that deliver that ted X talk and had 0:06:46.800 --> 0:06:50.040 no foresight that I would ever speak again publicly, or 0:06:50.120 --> 0:06:52.839 that I would make, you know, lead me to become 0:06:52.960 --> 0:06:55.000 this content creator, and that now I would have this 0:06:55.120 --> 0:06:57.600 podcast in this like I never thought that. I just 0:06:57.720 --> 0:06:59.560 got on that stage and was like, I hope this 0:06:59.680 --> 0:07:04.359 helped someone. And I think the more of the story 0:07:04.440 --> 0:07:06.920 there is like if you get to a place in 0:07:06.960 --> 0:07:09.160 your life where you're so passionate about something and something 0:07:09.279 --> 0:07:11.800 means so much to you, and every part of your 0:07:11.840 --> 0:07:14.240 body is like this is what is important to me, 0:07:14.760 --> 0:07:17.520 Listen to your intuition because you just never know where 0:07:17.560 --> 0:07:19.960 it will lead you. And the last thing I'll say, Tiffany, 0:07:20.120 --> 0:07:22.720 I'm literally been speaking for so long before I'll keep 0:07:22.800 --> 0:07:24.080 going great. 0:07:24.160 --> 0:07:27.400 I love this because this is the League one Volleyball podcast. 0:07:27.480 --> 0:07:28.120 I need to say this. 0:07:28.760 --> 0:07:31.280 You know, I was really genuinely, like, I just hope 0:07:31.320 --> 0:07:33.800 this helps an athlete out there who's also crying at night, 0:07:33.920 --> 0:07:36.120 depressed and looking up athlete mental health on YouTube, like, 0:07:36.120 --> 0:07:36.880 I hope they find this and. 0:07:36.880 --> 0:07:40.480 They feel seen. And literally, I don't know. 0:07:40.880 --> 0:07:43.040 It was so this tedex talk, I believe came out 0:07:43.080 --> 0:07:44.720 in like the spring, so it was the next fall. 0:07:45.480 --> 0:07:49.240 We were playing Kentucky in the preseason and we finished 0:07:49.240 --> 0:07:50.640 the game and we were like, good game, good game, 0:07:50.680 --> 0:07:52.320 good game, and this one girl is like, good game, 0:07:52.360 --> 0:07:52.680 good game. 0:07:52.760 --> 0:07:53.080 I loved her. 0:07:53.560 --> 0:07:54.560 Good game, good game, good game. 0:07:54.600 --> 0:07:56.640 And I was like and that was like one of 0:07:56.680 --> 0:08:01.320 those moments where I thought, Wow, you know, it's gotten 0:08:01.360 --> 0:08:03.960 to this this person I scouted and I'm playing against 0:08:04.000 --> 0:08:06.119 and we feel so different but we're the same. 0:08:06.360 --> 0:08:09.160 So I'll stop. I'll stop there and let you do 0:08:09.240 --> 0:08:09.520 your job. 0:08:12.200 --> 0:08:13.840 No, but this is why you're on is to talk 0:08:13.880 --> 0:08:16.320 about this and for us to learn, because I feel 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:19.480 like there's so much that went into the not just 0:08:19.600 --> 0:08:22.200 the preparation to do it, but I mean everything that 0:08:22.320 --> 0:08:25.200 you went through right to eventually get to having to 0:08:25.320 --> 0:08:27.880 do this Ted talk and understanding that this was something 0:08:27.920 --> 0:08:31.560 that was needed, and you know in your talks being 0:08:31.600 --> 0:08:32.520 of things that were needed. 0:08:32.559 --> 0:08:35.320 I feel like, you know, there's that question where people 0:08:35.360 --> 0:08:37.360 are just like, why don't you quit? Like, if this 0:08:37.520 --> 0:08:39.559 is really that big of an issue for you, why 0:08:39.640 --> 0:08:41.960 don't you quit? That's just a question that I feel 0:08:42.000 --> 0:08:44.800 like is the next follow up after you're talking about 0:08:44.920 --> 0:08:48.160 all these hardships that you're going through, and it's like, 0:08:49.440 --> 0:08:51.319 I mean, I listen to your answer, but you know, 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:53.240 I didn't end up playing in college. 0:08:53.280 --> 0:08:55.640 I ended up going to film school. But I can 0:08:56.080 --> 0:08:58.000 I can see you know, at some point being like, 0:08:58.880 --> 0:09:00.719 but this is who I am, right, So can you 0:09:00.920 --> 0:09:03.600 just for the listeners of this podcast, you haven't heard 0:09:03.679 --> 0:09:07.040 your to talk explain why you didn't quit and why 0:09:07.200 --> 0:09:08.080 you kept pursuing. 0:09:08.480 --> 0:09:11.360 I have not thought about this in probably years. 0:09:11.440 --> 0:09:13.480 So I love that you asked this because it's like 0:09:13.600 --> 0:09:16.240 bringing me back and it's making me chuckle a little bit, 0:09:16.320 --> 0:09:20.200 because I will find myself looking at someone else's circumstance 0:09:20.280 --> 0:09:24.000 or situation and thinking, just break up with them, just transport. 0:09:23.880 --> 0:09:25.760 Just quit your job, just apply to the new. 0:09:25.920 --> 0:09:28.880 Like it's so easy to look at someone's situation and 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:32.559 think it would be the solution is to, you know, 0:09:33.000 --> 0:09:36.120 do something so drastic. But as we all know, we've 0:09:36.160 --> 0:09:38.920 all been in these places when something has been a 0:09:38.960 --> 0:09:40.760 part of your life for so long, you love it 0:09:40.840 --> 0:09:43.480 so much, you focus on Like I said at the 0:09:43.600 --> 0:09:45.679 top of the show, I would do it ten out 0:09:45.679 --> 0:09:51.400 of ten times, and without a doubt it was the most. 0:09:52.600 --> 0:09:55.360 I It's mental health month, so let's be real. 0:09:55.559 --> 0:09:58.160 I've never I got to a place where I was questioning, 0:09:58.320 --> 0:10:01.520 like if I wanted to to live my life. I've 0:10:01.640 --> 0:10:05.040 never I've had struggles since, and I feel like I've 0:10:05.760 --> 0:10:08.960 I've been through some things that have been really hard 0:10:09.040 --> 0:10:11.360 post school, but I've never gotten to a place with 0:10:11.480 --> 0:10:14.520 my thoughts where I've questioned, you know, do I want 0:10:14.559 --> 0:10:17.199 to be here? And so it's like, but then I'm 0:10:17.240 --> 0:10:18.760 saying I would go back and do it to Noay 0:10:18.800 --> 0:10:20.920 at ten times because it brought me here, you know. 0:10:21.080 --> 0:10:22.920 So it's like, why didn't I quit? 0:10:23.200 --> 0:10:26.160 I mean because I honestly didn't even know if I 0:10:26.280 --> 0:10:29.600 would be happier without it, Like I wanted to figure 0:10:29.600 --> 0:10:31.520 out how to make this thing work. Of course, there 0:10:31.559 --> 0:10:33.599 were times my mom came to an away game and 0:10:33.720 --> 0:10:37.920 she saw me white as a ghost, looking I had 0:10:38.000 --> 0:10:40.800 all these stress pimples on my face. All I did 0:10:40.960 --> 0:10:43.520 was sleep. All I did was cry, and she was like, 0:10:43.600 --> 0:10:45.800 that's it. I'm knocking on the coach's door. I'm taking 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:48.400 you off the team. And I'm like, no, you can't, 0:10:48.679 --> 0:10:51.080 like we have a game tomorrow, or like I don't 0:10:51.120 --> 0:10:52.280 want to like you know what I mean. 0:10:52.440 --> 0:10:56.320 So it was just it that just also didn't feel right. 0:10:56.440 --> 0:11:00.760 I guess I felt stuck, and I love to volleyball 0:11:01.200 --> 0:11:03.599 so much that I wanted to figure out how to 0:11:03.720 --> 0:11:07.319 make it work. And I was able to do that 0:11:07.720 --> 0:11:11.760 by going to therapy once a week, getting on antidepressants, 0:11:11.960 --> 0:11:14.760 opening up about my struggle so that I didn't feel 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:17.760 so much shame and I didn't feel so alone. And 0:11:17.880 --> 0:11:21.000 I even took a brief mental health leave after my 0:11:21.120 --> 0:11:25.280 junior season for a couple months and then returned to 0:11:25.360 --> 0:11:28.360 play my senior season. So and then my senior season, 0:11:29.120 --> 0:11:31.360 I did feel like I had the tools. I still 0:11:31.400 --> 0:11:35.280 struggled and I had anxiety at points and whatnot, but 0:11:35.360 --> 0:11:37.360 I was happier because I had a toolbox. 0:11:37.480 --> 0:11:41.760 You know, going back to volleyball kind of being your identity. Actually, 0:11:41.840 --> 0:11:43.959 I want to go like way back, because you know, 0:11:44.320 --> 0:11:45.839 it took a lot of hours and a lot of 0:11:45.920 --> 0:11:49.880 time to get to play in college, especially usc which 0:11:49.960 --> 0:11:51.920 is one of the best teams in the country. So 0:11:52.320 --> 0:11:56.160 I want to go back to young, young Victoria and 0:11:56.559 --> 0:11:58.599 tell me how you first fell in love with the 0:11:58.640 --> 0:12:02.280 sport and and it was fun when there was no 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:05.040 anxiety or depression. Tell me how you fell in love 0:12:05.080 --> 0:12:08.160 with the sport and what made you realize that this 0:12:08.360 --> 0:12:10.200 was going to be part of your identity. 0:12:10.600 --> 0:12:14.520 I just get this visual of my middle school gym, 0:12:14.880 --> 0:12:17.120 and I know, like we had a whole border down 0:12:17.280 --> 0:12:18.760 and we were on the right side of the core 0:12:18.880 --> 0:12:20.959 and we were playing volleyball. I think it like pe 0:12:21.360 --> 0:12:25.240 And I just had a really natural standing topspin, which 0:12:25.440 --> 0:12:28.360 is so funny for volleyball players, a standing topspin, where 0:12:28.400 --> 0:12:28.840 do you ever. 0:12:28.920 --> 0:12:29.960 No one serves that way. 0:12:30.080 --> 0:12:32.040 It's like the easiest thing, But when you're in seventh 0:12:32.120 --> 0:12:36.280 grade and you're whipping out a spinner, like pass it. 0:12:37.080 --> 0:12:40.679 And so I just had a natural take to the game. 0:12:41.320 --> 0:12:42.720 I loved sports growing up. 0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:46.360 I played pretty much everything, so when it came to 0:12:46.520 --> 0:12:49.640 like choosing a sport, and I guess my older brother 0:12:49.880 --> 0:12:52.240 was a professional golfer and he golfed at UCLA, so 0:12:52.480 --> 0:12:54.199 I guess I had always looked at him as someone 0:12:54.240 --> 0:12:56.679 who took sports very seriously and he kept playing, and 0:12:56.720 --> 0:12:58.800 I always thought like, I'm going to play sports. 0:12:58.600 --> 0:13:01.679 You know, as long as I can. And so it 0:13:01.840 --> 0:13:03.240 was a teammate. 0:13:03.480 --> 0:13:05.719 It was a classmate's mom who went to my mom 0:13:05.760 --> 0:13:07.520 and said, oh, your daughter's really good. She should join 0:13:07.520 --> 0:13:09.640 my daughter's club team. And we were like, what's club? 0:13:09.800 --> 0:13:11.079 And then my mom was like, do you want to 0:13:11.120 --> 0:13:13.319 do this? And I was like sure, and so, like 0:13:13.440 --> 0:13:15.319 I had said before, I signed up. And then I 0:13:15.440 --> 0:13:17.440 was like, oh my gosh, I'm on the twos team. 0:13:17.520 --> 0:13:19.240 I want to make the ones team. Okay, this is 0:13:19.320 --> 0:13:21.760 the coach, like, you know, this is the girl. I 0:13:21.840 --> 0:13:23.920 have to be better then to make the team freshman year, 0:13:23.920 --> 0:13:25.199 you know what I mean. And so I just kind 0:13:25.240 --> 0:13:28.360 of got enthralled by the sport. And before I knew it, 0:13:28.520 --> 0:13:30.680 I was like, I haven't played soccer in three years. 0:13:30.800 --> 0:13:33.920 You know, it was natural. It just was the sport 0:13:34.000 --> 0:13:35.680 that I guess won my heart in a sense. 0:13:37.160 --> 0:13:40.199 Did you ever feel a sense of burnout in the 0:13:40.360 --> 0:13:43.880 lead up to playing in college? Because yeah, I told 0:13:43.920 --> 0:13:46.959 you this before we started recording, But I played, you know, 0:13:47.160 --> 0:13:49.480 club ball. I was very competitive. My dream was to 0:13:49.520 --> 0:13:52.319 play at Penn State. I you know, wasn't recruited for 0:13:52.360 --> 0:13:55.920 a scholarship, but I did everything possible that I could 0:13:56.000 --> 0:13:58.120 to go to Penn State. I went to all the 0:13:58.160 --> 0:14:01.400 summer camps. I meet a business card when I was 0:14:01.480 --> 0:14:03.599 thirteen and gave it to coach trust Rows at like 0:14:03.800 --> 0:14:06.000 one of those camps. You know, I did everything. But 0:14:06.080 --> 0:14:09.559 then when I was a junior in high school, kind 0:14:09.600 --> 0:14:12.640 of similar to your junior year college, you know, I 0:14:12.760 --> 0:14:17.520 remember driving to like a practice and I was just 0:14:17.640 --> 0:14:19.760 miserable all the way down. And when I got to practice, 0:14:19.800 --> 0:14:21.960 I sat on the sideline and I just cried because 0:14:21.960 --> 0:14:25.800 I knew that I loved the sport, but I had 0:14:26.000 --> 0:14:28.400 kind of lost the love for it in a way, 0:14:28.960 --> 0:14:31.800 and and there was this, you know, sense of burnout. 0:14:31.880 --> 0:14:35.520 So did you ever feel that when you were playing 0:14:35.680 --> 0:14:38.640 and growing up, was there any sort of premonition that 0:14:38.760 --> 0:14:41.360 maybe came to your mind that like that is a 0:14:41.480 --> 0:14:43.560 mental health issue. Because when I was sixteen and this happened, 0:14:43.600 --> 0:14:45.280 I had no idea that this was a mental health thing. 0:14:45.400 --> 0:14:45.680 It's me. 0:14:45.800 --> 0:14:48.440 It was just like, you know, I've got to suck 0:14:48.480 --> 0:14:49.720 it up, but I'm going to sit it out this 0:14:49.840 --> 0:14:51.800 practice and I'll decide what I'm going to do eventually. 0:14:51.920 --> 0:14:55.560 But you know, has have you ever felt anything like that? 0:14:56.200 --> 0:14:57.800 I didn't before college. 0:14:58.400 --> 0:15:01.400 What you described sound similar to like what I went 0:15:01.440 --> 0:15:04.560 through my freshman year of college. But prior to that, 0:15:04.880 --> 0:15:08.520 I mean, practice days were my favorite. I was always 0:15:08.560 --> 0:15:11.920 the one that was like in early out late, wanting 0:15:12.040 --> 0:15:15.480 to play more. I loved the tournaments, but granted I 0:15:15.560 --> 0:15:17.240 had a lot of confidence. I was one of the 0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:19.520 best players on the ones team at the time, you know, 0:15:19.640 --> 0:15:22.560 we were going to Jo's, Like, I loved our rhythm. 0:15:22.720 --> 0:15:24.680 One of my best friends was on the team, like 0:15:25.200 --> 0:15:29.440 it just was so great, and I, yeah, I just 0:15:29.600 --> 0:15:32.640 I didn't have a thought of like sometimes I guess 0:15:32.760 --> 0:15:35.360 maybe if like you know, we were at high school 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:37.600 and your crush came to watch you play, you know, 0:15:37.640 --> 0:15:39.560 I'd be like, why am I thinking so much about this? 0:15:39.760 --> 0:15:41.920 Or why am I one like how did my spike 0:15:42.000 --> 0:15:44.960 or whatever it was. So I definitely had Now that 0:15:45.000 --> 0:15:47.920 I look back, I can recognize moments of like where 0:15:47.960 --> 0:15:51.440 I was probably starting to see I had the potential 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:54.720 to like really overthink or have anxiety while I was playing. 0:15:54.520 --> 0:15:57.200 But never enough that it ever spooked me. 0:15:58.640 --> 0:16:01.760 And actually my first in at USC, I brought that 0:16:01.960 --> 0:16:05.080 energy in, like I was so excited for double days, 0:16:05.120 --> 0:16:07.640 I mean the seniors. That was like the joke, you 0:16:07.720 --> 0:16:09.560 know that, Like I just wanted to play and we 0:16:09.640 --> 0:16:11.520 had two practices a day. It was like my dream 0:16:11.600 --> 0:16:13.960 come true, you know. So then it was like the 0:16:14.040 --> 0:16:17.280 stark contrast of that to then a few months later 0:16:18.000 --> 0:16:22.360 feeling like my eyes, I'm about to cry before we 0:16:22.480 --> 0:16:24.600 go out to the court because I'm so scared that 0:16:24.640 --> 0:16:25.640 I'm gonna get served and. 0:16:25.640 --> 0:16:27.560 I'm going to get asd like. 0:16:28.080 --> 0:16:30.400 So that was why it was I think so jarring 0:16:30.440 --> 0:16:32.120 for me is because I started to then be like 0:16:32.880 --> 0:16:34.520 I don't even like who am I? Like, this is 0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:36.200 so not me? And then you start to get upset 0:16:36.240 --> 0:16:38.040 with yourself and you're like come on, like you know, 0:16:38.160 --> 0:16:40.480 and then you just continue to spiral. 0:16:40.920 --> 0:16:42.600 Yeah, I can see that now. You said that when 0:16:42.640 --> 0:16:46.200 you got to UFC, you were super excited, super happy. 0:16:46.400 --> 0:16:48.160 You were one of the girls that came out there 0:16:48.400 --> 0:16:51.560 and gave your you know, a game every single time. 0:16:51.600 --> 0:16:55.120 But what was the moment do you remember the moment 0:16:55.320 --> 0:16:58.320 where you realize that something wasn't right. 0:16:58.920 --> 0:17:02.200 When I think about this time in my life, there's 0:17:02.280 --> 0:17:05.479 like moments that I remember vividly. There's things I don't remember, 0:17:05.760 --> 0:17:08.359 like as just like don't have a great memory. My 0:17:08.440 --> 0:17:10.359 friends and I always joke my best friend offvery We'll 0:17:10.359 --> 0:17:11.760 be like, remember when you said this thing and were 0:17:11.800 --> 0:17:13.000 this thing and we were in third grade and I'm 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:14.840 like no, I'm like, what do we even do this 0:17:14.960 --> 0:17:15.560 past weekend? 0:17:15.720 --> 0:17:18.399 Like that's where my brain is. But something that. 0:17:18.640 --> 0:17:20.920 Pops into my head is like a practice we had 0:17:21.040 --> 0:17:24.720 where we were scrimmaging my freshman year. We were the 0:17:24.840 --> 0:17:26.920 number one team in the country. We were undefeated, I 0:17:27.160 --> 0:17:29.000 was starting, we had the national player of the year. 0:17:29.240 --> 0:17:32.760 Like the stakes were high, and it was a scrimmage 0:17:33.040 --> 0:17:37.840 and my side won the point, and like I thought 0:17:37.880 --> 0:17:40.240 that was good. But then the whistle blew and you know, 0:17:41.320 --> 0:17:44.240 the coach called us together or either came to me. 0:17:44.400 --> 0:17:48.119 I forget, but like I basically got called out for 0:17:48.600 --> 0:17:51.280 doing the wrong footwork, like on defense, like I made 0:17:51.320 --> 0:17:54.000 the wrong read. And I think for me in that moment, 0:17:54.080 --> 0:17:56.560 I was like, oh my gosh, we won the point. 0:17:57.000 --> 0:17:59.720 I didn't even touch the ball and I made a mistake. 0:18:00.800 --> 0:18:04.960 And like, because I'm so type a perfectionist, like care 0:18:05.119 --> 0:18:07.560 so much, I think I then started thinking, oh my god, 0:18:07.720 --> 0:18:09.359 like even if I don't touch though, even if we 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:11.720 win the point and we win the game, I still 0:18:11.880 --> 0:18:15.159 could be like making mistakes. So I think that was 0:18:15.200 --> 0:18:17.639 a moment for me where I really felt like, like 0:18:17.880 --> 0:18:22.480 everything I do has to be flawless and this is 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:26.639 a whole different ballgame than club. And I will say like, 0:18:27.760 --> 0:18:34.080 I think that I was mentally susceptible to have this 0:18:34.280 --> 0:18:38.800 reaction to pressure. I don't look back and think someone 0:18:39.119 --> 0:18:43.440 caused this for me. You know, it would be really 0:18:43.520 --> 0:18:46.200 cool if I could have a play a month of 0:18:46.280 --> 0:18:48.760 my freshman year, knowing what I know now and try 0:18:48.800 --> 0:18:52.320 to use my coping mechanisms and breath work and journaling 0:18:52.520 --> 0:18:55.600 and confidence stuff like I would love to try it. 0:18:55.800 --> 0:18:57.800 I was just eighteen, I was young. 0:18:58.119 --> 0:19:01.280