WEBVTT - BONUS: David Gborie on "Bombing with Eric Andre" 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:02.600 Hey, my mama told me listeners, you thought you were 0:00:02.640 --> 0:00:05.520 gonna get a mini episode today, didn't you. Well, you're not. 0:00:05.800 --> 0:00:07.720 Langston and I are busy out on the floor iide 0:00:07.760 --> 0:00:10.120 and barber side tour, but we didn't want to leave 0:00:10.160 --> 0:00:12.400 you all hanging. First of all, you should be checking 0:00:12.440 --> 0:00:13.920 us out on the road in the city near you. 0:00:14.160 --> 0:00:16.520 Second of all, check out this clip of Big Money 0:00:16.560 --> 0:00:20.799 Players Network's newest podcast, Bombing with Eric Andre, where stand 0:00:20.840 --> 0:00:23.680 up comedian Eric Andre talks with his friends about bombing 0:00:23.720 --> 0:00:26.560 on stage at life and what crazy things they've seen 0:00:26.640 --> 0:00:29.040 on tour. I was a guest on this week's episode, 0:00:29.080 --> 0:00:31.600 and man, do I have some stories to tell you, 0:00:31.680 --> 0:00:34.479 from bombing in Las Vegas on Christmas to witnessing a 0:00:34.560 --> 0:00:37.479 geriatric thresome and a Laquinta in You can listen to 0:00:37.520 --> 0:00:40.240 the first half of the episode here. Before the full version, 0:00:40.320 --> 0:00:43.360 go subscribe to Bombing with Eric Andre wherever you listen 0:00:43.440 --> 0:00:46.880 to podcasts. Lastly, if you haven't by now, subscribe to 0:00:46.920 --> 0:00:50.040 Big Money Players Diamond on Apple Podcasts. There you'll get 0:00:50.080 --> 0:00:52.400 an extended bonus clip of me and Eric talking about 0:00:52.479 --> 0:00:56.240 stories from sier Leone, Denver and much more. Plus add 0:00:56.280 --> 0:01:07.600 free episodes Bombing with Eric Andrey. 0:01:07.160 --> 0:01:08.880 David Bori in the house. 0:01:09.080 --> 0:01:10.720 Man, I miss you. How are you all right? 0:01:11.160 --> 0:01:12.360 So I got a podcast. 0:01:12.880 --> 0:01:13.880 You have a podcast. 0:01:13.920 --> 0:01:17.280 It's called Bombing Bombing. We are here with one of 0:01:17.280 --> 0:01:21.920 my favorite comedians. We toured together. He's written for the 0:01:22.000 --> 0:01:26.720 Eric Andre Show, the Voice of Comedy Central, the sex symbol, 0:01:26.880 --> 0:01:32.399 he's the body of an Adonis and the ass of 0:01:32.560 --> 0:01:44.960 mccullay cocaine. Yeah, David Bori, everybody, he first of all, 0:01:45.040 --> 0:01:49.560 your name is spelled g b oh r I E. 0:01:49.800 --> 0:01:52.840 Did I get it right? But the G is silent? 0:01:53.560 --> 0:01:53.920 Silent? 0:01:54.160 --> 0:01:57.040 How bad have people fucked up and mispronounced your name? 0:01:57.080 --> 0:01:58.320 Give me like a little what do you? What do 0:01:58.360 --> 0:01:58.640 you get? 0:01:58.880 --> 0:02:03.040 My high school football coach, he said orgy, which is 0:02:03.120 --> 0:02:08.519 like you can't read. Yeah, he was like rage. It 0:02:08.600 --> 0:02:10.360 was the first day of weightlifting and he was like 0:02:10.560 --> 0:02:15.680 the borgy orgy and it's like you can't read, Like 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:18.560 that's the problem, not my orgy. 0:02:18.720 --> 0:02:20.320 It's crazy, especially when. 0:02:20.160 --> 0:02:22.320 You're a virgin, you can't live up to that. Thank god. 0:02:22.360 --> 0:02:25.560 I went to a different school next year. I had 0:02:25.639 --> 0:02:27.960 never even I think I'd seen a boob, and then 0:02:28.040 --> 0:02:30.000 you call me orgy. I can't live like that. 0:02:30.040 --> 0:02:34.519 All right, what is the worst you've ever bombed on stage? 0:02:34.600 --> 0:02:38.040 This is so funny that you because I was telling Olivia, 0:02:38.160 --> 0:02:43.720 your producer, also the producer from my MoMA told me, Oh, 0:02:43.840 --> 0:02:45.400 I was telling her. I just got off of my 0:02:45.440 --> 0:02:48.720 worst bombing weekend of my entire career, Christmas weekend in 0:02:48.840 --> 0:02:52.000 Las Vegas. It was it was what happened, dog, It's 0:02:52.080 --> 0:02:55.080 just like it just got so much worse, like it 0:02:55.120 --> 0:02:56.480 started Christmas Eve eve. 0:02:56.600 --> 0:02:58.200 So what was the venue? What was it? What was it? 0:02:58.200 --> 0:02:59.120 Give us some context? 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:00.600 Was this, I don't want to say in a venue? 0:03:00.639 --> 0:03:02.560 Okay, give us like the type of venue. Were you 0:03:02.600 --> 0:03:04.840 playing a casino? Are you playing a theater? Was it 0:03:04.840 --> 0:03:05.240 a room? 0:03:05.400 --> 0:03:07.840 Was it was like off of a strip mall next 0:03:07.840 --> 0:03:08.600 to the casino? 0:03:08.760 --> 0:03:11.040 It was a theater? Or what was it? Comedy club? 0:03:11.080 --> 0:03:14.600 It was a it was a comedy club, high high ceilings, 0:03:14.800 --> 0:03:18.800 comedy club, crowd far far away, and it was the 0:03:18.840 --> 0:03:21.120 type of people who were in Las Vegas on Christmas. 0:03:21.200 --> 0:03:22.440 Yeah, that's a tough crowd. 0:03:22.520 --> 0:03:25.519 And I bomb like so I start on Thursday night 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:31.040 and I bombed consecutively worse, Oh, every show, every single 0:03:31.320 --> 0:03:34.200 fucking show, And I tried to go, so like two 0:03:34.280 --> 0:03:38.839 a night, three at night. Everyone, Oh my god, that's 0:03:38.880 --> 0:03:41.520 a night. That's purgatory. That's a black Marror episode. 0:03:41.680 --> 0:03:41.920 Dog. 0:03:42.000 --> 0:03:43.800 And then I had to go to sleep, wake up, 0:03:43.880 --> 0:03:47.200 go to Gordon Ramsay's restaurant, and face that ship again 0:03:48.600 --> 0:03:49.160 and again. 0:03:50.880 --> 0:03:53.480 God, what was the talent? What was like the producer 0:03:53.560 --> 0:03:55.320 or whatever the booker saying to you. 0:03:55.320 --> 0:03:57.600 They don't even give a ship because it's Vegas. They 0:03:57.720 --> 0:04:00.400 just these people were going to be here any It's 0:04:00.400 --> 0:04:02.880 not about putting on a good show. It's just having 0:04:02.920 --> 0:04:04.880 them go somewhere for an hour and a half so 0:04:04.880 --> 0:04:05.600 they don't gamble. 0:04:05.680 --> 0:04:09.760 Were you with any other comedian that you could commiserate 0:04:09.840 --> 0:04:11.440 with and be like, oh, this is horrible. 0:04:11.560 --> 0:04:14.720 Yeah. I was with Steve Aj, Stephen AJ, my fellow 0:04:15.040 --> 0:04:15.840 Gian brother. 0:04:16.000 --> 0:04:18.520 This isn't Steve ag no, no, no, this is this 0:04:18.600 --> 0:04:19.359 is Stephen Aj. 0:04:19.600 --> 0:04:21.359 Yeah, and he also was bombed. 0:04:21.400 --> 0:04:24.240 So were you guys just like halfway through it like 0:04:24.360 --> 0:04:25.559 this is hell on Earth? 0:04:25.800 --> 0:04:28.360 Yeah? It was, because it was like every night you 0:04:28.440 --> 0:04:31.120 bomb and then they let you loose on Las Vegas 0:04:31.160 --> 0:04:34.800 to like think about it. Yeah, but it's also Christmas Eve. Yeah, 0:04:34.839 --> 0:04:38.000 so now it's like Christmas Eve in Vegas. You're in 0:04:38.040 --> 0:04:41.520 a piano bar, and Hara's just like thinking about everything 0:04:41.520 --> 0:04:42.440 you've ever done wrong. 0:04:42.520 --> 0:04:47.240 It's like the saddest Christmas all the time. Christmas it's 0:04:47.279 --> 0:04:51.520 so much work. Piano's bombed in February. You want to 0:04:51.520 --> 0:04:51.960 give a ship? 0:04:52.160 --> 0:04:55.240 Yeah no, but Christmas Eve, I'm just like trying to 0:04:55.240 --> 0:04:57.240 do the math of like what time can I call 0:04:57.279 --> 0:04:59.600 my mom and have her not worried that I'm doing. 0:04:59.640 --> 0:05:01.800 It's better as I am right now, But it. 0:05:01.839 --> 0:05:03.720 Was so did you have to do an hour? 0:05:03.839 --> 0:05:06.400 I had to do forty five? Yeah, forty five? Forty five? 0:05:06.640 --> 0:05:09.000 Sorry? Described the crowd to us? What's the crowd like? 0:05:09.480 --> 0:05:10.680 Give us a paint us a picture? 0:05:11.000 --> 0:05:16.680 Couples where one of them had kids and one didn't, 0:05:16.839 --> 0:05:18.359 and those kids were out of state. 0:05:18.800 --> 0:05:20.560 I don't even know how to respond to that. What 0:05:20.600 --> 0:05:21.080 does that mean? 0:05:21.320 --> 0:05:23.960 It's people who would go to Las Vegas for Christmas talk? 0:05:24.160 --> 0:05:28.320 So is that like like Jimmy Buffett parent had white 0:05:28.320 --> 0:05:29.800 people or is it like. 0:05:29.920 --> 0:05:33.160 No, It's like it's like it's like people. 0:05:32.880 --> 0:05:33.960 Who are they troubled? 0:05:34.000 --> 0:05:36.120 They were happier than I was to be there, which 0:05:36.160 --> 0:05:38.120 is odd. But I haven't even told you the worst 0:05:38.160 --> 0:05:39.040 or two parts of it? 0:05:39.200 --> 0:05:40.880 Okay, God go ahead, Okay. 0:05:41.000 --> 0:05:44.440 The worst part was like one night I ran into 0:05:44.480 --> 0:05:46.800 the arms of a sex worker. That was the only 0:05:46.880 --> 0:05:48.760 way I thought it could get better. It did not 0:05:48.839 --> 0:05:51.840 get better. So then I wake up on Christmas. 0:05:51.839 --> 0:05:54.760 You ran into the arms of the sex worker. It's 0:05:54.800 --> 0:05:57.640 such a beautiful poetic way of saying I bought a 0:05:57.680 --> 0:05:59.159 hooker for no. 0:05:59.200 --> 0:06:02.160 Because it gets so much deeper because we didn't actually 0:06:02.200 --> 0:06:03.720 have sex. It was very complicated. 0:06:03.760 --> 0:06:06.719 Well that's conceptual, is it. 0:06:06.720 --> 0:06:09.560 It sounds sad. So then I wake up on Christmas. 0:06:09.839 --> 0:06:12.200 Christmas is our last show. We only have to do 0:06:12.279 --> 0:06:15.000 one show on Christmas. And I'm like, all right, just 0:06:15.120 --> 0:06:18.120 one show and then I'm free. Lord, I was going 0:06:18.160 --> 0:06:20.960 to Hawaii the next day. I was like, I'm free. 0:06:21.680 --> 0:06:26.240 We're gonna be okay, I'll be okay, right, I wake up, 0:06:26.360 --> 0:06:29.440 I'm doing my thing. The club owner calls me on 0:06:29.560 --> 0:06:33.640 Christmas Day. He's like, hey, Lunell missed her flight, and 0:06:33.680 --> 0:06:35.039 I was like, I don't know what that has to 0:06:35.040 --> 0:06:37.520 do with me. Oh no, he wanted you to do more. 0:06:37.960 --> 0:06:41.279 Lunell does the late show every Sunday night at this show, 0:06:42.080 --> 0:06:45.080 and it's on Christmas and she missed her flight and 0:06:45.120 --> 0:06:47.159 he's like, you want to just do it? I was like, 0:06:48.360 --> 0:06:49.719 And then he talks about the pay. 0:06:49.560 --> 0:06:53.160 And I'm like, Okay, the pay was good. 0:06:53.360 --> 0:06:55.360 The whole reason I was even there was because the 0:06:55.400 --> 0:06:56.520 pay was incredible. 0:06:56.720 --> 0:06:59.880 Yeah, yeah, right. Money changes the conversation. 0:07:00.080 --> 0:07:02.760 Which is no. But this is what it locked into me, 0:07:02.920 --> 0:07:05.159 is like, now I'm like, I'm never doing this ever again. 0:07:05.880 --> 0:07:08.760 I'm never doing comedy just for money. This is the worst. 0:07:09.000 --> 0:07:13.200 So it's Lunell's crowd on Christmas. They don't tell anybody 0:07:13.240 --> 0:07:16.560 that she's not gonna make it until people start showing 0:07:16.640 --> 0:07:20.239 up for the show. No. In between shows, the club 0:07:20.280 --> 0:07:23.280 owner comes up and he's like, people are fucking freaking 0:07:23.320 --> 0:07:27.600 out downstairs. Have to figure out they want their money back. 0:07:28.920 --> 0:07:29.240 Fuck. 0:07:30.080 --> 0:07:34.560 So the people who stayed are people who are so pissed, 0:07:34.560 --> 0:07:37.240 but they refuse to get a refund. And they wanted 0:07:37.280 --> 0:07:41.440 Lunell and it's me. They wanted Lunell on Christmas and 0:07:41.520 --> 0:07:45.320 it's me. It's me, you hear me, It's me. I 0:07:45.320 --> 0:07:48.679 got know Lunelle. And then the club owner starts getting crazy, 0:07:48.760 --> 0:07:51.320 like kind of racist, like he takes me and Steve 0:07:51.360 --> 0:07:53.840 aside He's like, listen, just so you guys know it's 0:07:53.840 --> 0:07:57.360 an urban show, so just you don't Just. 0:07:58.760 --> 0:08:01.360 My brother, he was like Luell. 0:08:01.200 --> 0:08:04.360 She never holds back. Just just just let it go. 0:08:04.400 --> 0:08:09.160 Baby, somebody who has never done comedy once. 0:08:09.360 --> 0:08:13.800 Bro and then so and then yeah, her opener made 0:08:13.840 --> 0:08:16.440 it so, her opener was there. And then I had 0:08:16.440 --> 0:08:19.240 to headline Munell's show on Christmas for a bunch of 0:08:19.320 --> 0:08:21.000 old black aunties who were pissed. 0:08:21.560 --> 0:08:24.800 Oh my god, did I wasn't Now, how'd you do? 0:08:26.320 --> 0:08:28.320 Well? Thank god a guy was wearing a wife beater 0:08:28.920 --> 0:08:30.320 because I got to be like, are you wearing a 0:08:30.320 --> 0:08:33.080 wife beater? And his wife was like yeah over then 0:08:33.120 --> 0:08:35.840 I got twenty five minutes out of that. 0:08:35.840 --> 0:08:36.880 That was just saving grace. 0:08:37.080 --> 0:08:39.840 Yeah. I made him stand up and spin around. 0:08:39.559 --> 0:08:43.360 And you're just grabbing at straws the whole weekend. It 0:08:43.480 --> 0:08:46.120 was never We're just doing crowd work at one point 0:08:46.160 --> 0:08:48.080 where you're like my jokes, they don't want my jokes. 0:08:48.240 --> 0:08:52.240 Yeah. I never got any traction ever. They never liked me, 0:08:52.600 --> 0:08:55.439 they were never into it. I never understood what they 0:08:55.480 --> 0:08:57.719 were doing there. They never understood what I was doing there. 0:08:57.760 --> 0:09:00.600 Did you just feel like you wanted to quit doing 0:09:00.640 --> 0:09:03.120 stand up comedy at the end of it. Yeah, where 0:09:03.120 --> 0:09:05.520 you're like, I'm gonna paint houses the rest of my life. 0:09:05.800 --> 0:09:08.520 Yeah. I went to Hawaii like the day afterwards, and 0:09:08.559 --> 0:09:10.720 I was like, I might just not come back. I 0:09:10.760 --> 0:09:12.040 was like trying to figure it out in my head. 0:09:12.080 --> 0:09:14.160 I was like, no, you got other things you do. 0:09:14.240 --> 0:09:17.000 You can you can make money some other way, Like 0:09:17.040 --> 0:09:17.720 you don't have to. 0:09:18.000 --> 0:09:19.880 The thing is we have no we have no comics, 0:09:19.920 --> 0:09:21.360 have no other life skill. 0:09:21.679 --> 0:09:24.400 No, bro, I can't build anything. 0:09:24.559 --> 0:09:28.240 I'm useless. I'm fucking like a useless skill set. If 0:09:28.240 --> 0:09:30.040 this ends, there's nothing. 0:09:30.120 --> 0:09:30.920 What am I gonna do? 0:09:30.960 --> 0:09:31.480 There's nothing. 0:09:31.559 --> 0:09:33.920 I haven't had a real job in fifteen years. 0:09:34.000 --> 0:09:37.160 There's nothing entry level. I would have to I would 0:09:37.200 --> 0:09:38.479 have to deliver pizzas. 0:09:39.320 --> 0:09:41.600 I would have to do that entry doc. Yeah. 0:09:41.720 --> 0:09:47.080 Yeah, I'd be temping living pizzas, going up to a 0:09:47.080 --> 0:09:49.679 construction site with a hammer, Like, hey, I could fucking 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:51.800 hammer some nails and be fucking that. I would get 0:09:51.800 --> 0:09:52.400 fired from that. 0:09:52.600 --> 0:09:54.320 I couldn't even do that. I'd have to like go 0:09:54.360 --> 0:09:55.319 get their lunches. 0:09:55.840 --> 0:09:57.959 I would just like break both my legs and collect 0:09:58.000 --> 0:10:01.000 disability or something. I would just have somebody steamroll over 0:10:01.040 --> 0:10:01.480 my foot. 0:10:01.600 --> 0:10:04.239 Yeah, what are you gonna do tomorrow? This saends tomorrow. 0:10:04.400 --> 0:10:05.959 Chop off a couple of toes, be like, yeah, I 0:10:06.000 --> 0:10:07.719 got diabetes, just collect disability. 0:10:07.800 --> 0:10:09.319 Did you ever have a job you were get at 0:10:09.360 --> 0:10:10.559 besides this? Never? 0:10:10.800 --> 0:10:17.280 I was the worst employee. I was so fucking incompetent, lazy, 0:10:18.040 --> 0:10:23.520 had no I was useless. I was useless every job 0:10:23.559 --> 0:10:26.479 I ever had. Yeah, like I fired all the time. 0:10:26.880 --> 0:10:28.839 Lectured, Yeah, I got fired alive. 0:10:28.960 --> 0:10:30.520 I waited table. I lied when I first moved to 0:10:30.520 --> 0:10:31.680 New York. And I told the guy I was twenty 0:10:31.679 --> 0:10:34.160 one years old. And I told the guy that I 0:10:34.160 --> 0:10:37.800 waited table since I was fourteen. Total lie. And he's like, 0:10:37.840 --> 0:10:39.880 all right, well start waiting tables. And I was like, 0:10:40.000 --> 0:10:42.040 oh how do you do that? I was dropping plates. 0:10:42.080 --> 0:10:44.880 I was burning myself. I was eating food off the 0:10:44.880 --> 0:10:47.360 customer's thing when like they would like beat in the 0:10:47.360 --> 0:10:50.280 bathroom and the other waiters like you can't do that, man. 0:10:50.320 --> 0:10:54.359 I was like, I'm so hungry, bro, I'm fucking starving. 0:10:55.320 --> 0:10:57.520 I was horrible. And then the guy that the boss 0:10:57.520 --> 0:10:59.200 came in a few days later he goes, oh, my 0:10:59.240 --> 0:11:01.720 waiter said you look pretty nervous out there, and you 0:11:01.760 --> 0:11:03.600 wanted to just start as a busboy, and I had 0:11:03.600 --> 0:11:05.760 some weird ego about it. I was like, fuck, no, man, 0:11:05.880 --> 0:11:08.600 I'm a waiter till I d I E and then 0:11:08.640 --> 0:11:11.000 I quit and I was like so broken, hungry, and 0:11:11.040 --> 0:11:12.720 I was like why did I just say that? And 0:11:12.760 --> 0:11:15.319 I'm like, I'm not a waiter, I'm a liar. Yeah, no, 0:11:15.679 --> 0:11:17.920 I should have just bus tables, Like I'm a fucking idiot. 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:19.520 The only job I ever had, I was good at 0:11:19.520 --> 0:11:20.560 working at the gas station. 0:11:20.679 --> 0:11:21.920 You worked at a gas station. 0:11:21.720 --> 0:11:24.200 But I also let all my friends steal. Really I 0:11:24.240 --> 0:11:26.480 worked at like four different gas stations in like two 0:11:26.559 --> 0:11:27.240 different states. 0:11:27.320 --> 0:11:29.560 Yeah, you see any crazy shit, You see any brawls 0:11:29.600 --> 0:11:30.840 at a gas station or anything? 0:11:31.320 --> 0:11:34.080 Or was a mellow not really brawls, But like, I 0:11:34.120 --> 0:11:36.200 did work overnight, so I just see a lot of 0:11:36.200 --> 0:11:38.960 weird people getting out. There was a bar next door 0:11:39.000 --> 0:11:42.600 called Finoogis, and you would just see weird people getting 0:11:42.640 --> 0:11:45.840 out of the bar late at night, clearly driving like drunk. 0:11:46.080 --> 0:11:49.000 This is rural Colorado, correct, this is like Aurora. 0:11:49.080 --> 0:11:50.920 It's not that rural like the suburbs. 0:11:50.960 --> 0:11:53.640 I interviewed the Beastie Boys one time and I asked them, 0:11:54.320 --> 0:11:57.000 I think it was an ad Rock Dead responding, I go, 0:11:57.160 --> 0:11:58.920 what's the craziest thing you guys grew up in New 0:11:59.000 --> 0:12:00.959 York City. What's the crazy thing you ever saw on 0:12:01.000 --> 0:12:03.800 the subway? And he said he saw two Hasidic dudes 0:12:03.960 --> 0:12:08.040 French kissing deep French kissing on them on the subway 0:12:08.200 --> 0:12:09.720 the middle of the day. I was like, that's a 0:12:09.800 --> 0:12:13.439 mind blowing just two rabbis going out at it. 0:12:13.440 --> 0:12:16.280 It's like a poster in your art school girlfriend's apartment. 0:12:18.040 --> 0:12:19.320 I was like, it's kind of like a Eric Andre 0:12:19.400 --> 0:12:22.840 show bit. Can I borrow that from those. 0:12:24.360 --> 0:12:27.240 In some type of blasphemy? Like if you do that, 0:12:27.240 --> 0:12:29.440 they won't let you get buried somewhere. I'm sure. 0:12:32.200 --> 0:12:35.720 Yeah? Worth it? So any other bombing stories, any other 0:12:35.800 --> 0:12:36.640 things that you like. 0:12:36.920 --> 0:12:39.520 So there was this one. There was this one open 0:12:39.559 --> 0:12:41.680 mic that I was at in San Francisco at this 0:12:41.760 --> 0:12:44.640 place called the Brainwash that Isn't bear anymore. It was 0:12:44.640 --> 0:12:46.560 like a laundry mat slash open mic. 0:12:46.760 --> 0:12:48.120 Oh, it sounds like a great venue. 0:12:48.520 --> 0:12:52.199 Oh that's where I started. Maybe. It was like there 0:12:52.320 --> 0:12:54.439 was this guy and he was like bugging the host 0:12:54.480 --> 0:12:56.760 to get up, bugging the host to get up, and 0:12:56.800 --> 0:12:58.560 the host was like, fuck you man, I'm not putting 0:12:58.559 --> 0:13:00.160 you up, and the guy just kept bugging him up, 0:13:00.160 --> 0:13:03.400 bugging him, and finally the host puts him up, and 0:13:03.440 --> 0:13:06.760 the guy just starts eating shit. And it's only five minutes, right, yeah, 0:13:06.800 --> 0:13:09.640 but he's just eating a bag of Dixie's so terrible. Yeah, 0:13:09.679 --> 0:13:13.079 he decides to turn on the host and start making 0:13:13.120 --> 0:13:13.920 fun of the host. 0:13:14.080 --> 0:13:14.800 Oh no, the. 0:13:14.720 --> 0:13:18.440 Hoast grabs a knife and tries to stab him. What. Yeah, 0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:20.960 that was pretty great. And then everybody like grabbed the 0:13:20.960 --> 0:13:22.520 host and like carry him outside. 0:13:22.840 --> 0:13:26.120 The host had a knife and was ready to commit 0:13:26.320 --> 0:13:26.920 on the side. 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:29.000 No, he didn't have a knife. He like grabbed it. 0:13:29.160 --> 0:13:30.760 It was like one of those silk they were walked 0:13:30.760 --> 0:13:35.240 because it was like laundry mat slash bar slash. They 0:13:35.280 --> 0:13:36.160 serve food to. 0:13:36.320 --> 0:13:40.479 A laundry mat that served food and beer and like booze. 0:13:40.760 --> 0:13:42.079 Yeah, and they had pitball shit. 0:13:42.120 --> 0:13:44.160 What kind of magical laundry mat is this? 0:13:44.440 --> 0:13:45.200 Ah Soma? 0:13:45.440 --> 0:13:48.160 If anybody here you could wash your clothes and and 0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:49.880 do and and drink. 0:13:49.679 --> 0:13:51.680 And watch open my comedy. It was really great. 0:13:51.720 --> 0:13:54.040 So he grabbed a knife from the kitchen well like. 0:13:54.080 --> 0:13:56.960 From the counter, like they had the uh you know, 0:13:57.000 --> 0:13:58.840 they had the thing where they keep all the silverwear 0:13:58.920 --> 0:14:00.160 in like I think they had just got. 0:14:01.240 --> 0:14:02.360 He grabbed like a butter knife. 0:14:02.360 --> 0:14:07.120 He grabbed them. He grabbed a butter knife, and it 0:14:07.240 --> 0:14:10.600 was like trying to go and then everybody like carried 0:14:10.679 --> 0:14:11.319 him outside. 0:14:11.600 --> 0:14:13.720 That's like a Michelle Gondry music video. 0:14:13.800 --> 0:14:14.560 Yeah, it was great. 0:14:14.600 --> 0:14:16.240 I was in a laundry matt doing my clothes, but 0:14:16.280 --> 0:14:18.440 I was also doing stand up, but I was also 0:14:18.520 --> 0:14:21.200 there was also a restaurant and a bar, and then 0:14:21.240 --> 0:14:22.960 people were fighting with butter knives. 0:14:23.120 --> 0:14:24.800 It was really great. I missed those old days of 0:14:24.880 --> 0:14:26.080 stand up when it was scary. 0:14:26.240 --> 0:14:29.360 Yeah, they're fucking rap. They were hell, but they were 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:30.760 like they made us men. 0:14:31.000 --> 0:14:32.040 Yeah that's just sad. 0:14:32.360 --> 0:14:34.880 Yeah, that's kind of like, Yeah, it's not as you 0:14:34.880 --> 0:14:37.800 can always go back to those shows. Those shows still exist, Yeah, 0:14:37.840 --> 0:14:38.800 but you it's. 0:14:38.640 --> 0:14:40.760 Like I don't even move the way that I used to. 0:14:40.800 --> 0:14:43.160 I was like back then, I was supposed to be 0:14:43.240 --> 0:14:45.800 in that room. Now it's like a weird. 0:14:45.640 --> 0:14:47.480 It's a weird feeling going back to those it's a 0:14:47.520 --> 0:14:49.720 weird sadness going back to those room you feel like 0:14:49.760 --> 0:14:50.880 something is terribly wrong. 0:14:51.080 --> 0:14:53.760 Yeah, I don't sleep on a couch anymore. I'm not 0:14:53.840 --> 0:14:56.600 excited about the potential of what's gonna happen anymore. 0:14:57.920 --> 0:15:01.440 I went to uh Columbus, Ohio one time to do 0:15:01.480 --> 0:15:04.840 a gig. It was it was at a small venue. 0:15:04.880 --> 0:15:08.120 It felt like almost like a sports bar. But they 0:15:08.160 --> 0:15:10.760 had a stage. I had a proper stage and a mic, 0:15:11.160 --> 0:15:13.160 and they did book me like they flew me out. 0:15:13.280 --> 0:15:17.480 They paid me like a decent check. And I don't know. 0:15:17.560 --> 0:15:19.280 I think this is like right before the air Gonder 0:15:19.360 --> 0:15:23.000 Show started. But I'm on stage and I'm doing well. 0:15:23.400 --> 0:15:26.440 I wasn't bombing. I was on stage just all college kids. 0:15:26.480 --> 0:15:29.280 The place is packed. Maybe it was like season one 0:15:29.320 --> 0:15:31.440 of the air Gun Show. I'm not sure place is packed. 0:15:31.440 --> 0:15:35.360 I'm doing well. There's this super drunk white girl in 0:15:35.360 --> 0:15:39.040 the front and like front row texting the whole time, 0:15:39.280 --> 0:15:43.560 talking oblivious to me on stage, oblivious of the gesus 0:15:43.560 --> 0:15:45.000 part of a show. And I'm like trying to like 0:15:45.120 --> 0:15:47.680 roaster plightly to be like, hey, I'm in the middle 0:15:47.760 --> 0:15:51.840 of work right now, sweetie, can you shut the fuck up? 0:15:52.080 --> 0:15:54.480 Like doing like little things like that, like playfully like 0:15:54.640 --> 0:15:56.000 trying to get her to shut the fuck up, but 0:15:56.040 --> 0:15:58.880 she won't, and she's being belligerent and texting, and I go, 0:15:59.360 --> 0:16:01.600 give me your phone and she's like, okay, okay, And 0:16:01.600 --> 0:16:04.800 then I grabbed her phone. I looked up mom in 0:16:04.880 --> 0:16:08.080 her contacts and I texted. I texted her mom, Mom, 0:16:08.800 --> 0:16:11.400 I've always had a thing for dad. And the crowd 0:16:11.520 --> 0:16:13.680 erupts like oh shit, and I'm like and I was like, 0:16:13.720 --> 0:16:16.320 I'm gonna hold your phone up here until your mom 0:16:16.360 --> 0:16:19.400 starts responding. Her mom starts responding crazy shit, I'm running 0:16:19.400 --> 0:16:20.800 back shit. And then I give her her phone back, 0:16:21.040 --> 0:16:23.960 thinking like that you've been reprimanded. Now you can you 0:16:23.960 --> 0:16:25.920 can do damage control with your mom. You can say that, 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:28.160 you know, that's her opportunity to be like, oh, comedian, 0:16:28.240 --> 0:16:30.320 grab my phone and he's fucking with you. And then 0:16:30.440 --> 0:16:32.760 she was so drunk, I don't think she processed anything 0:16:32.800 --> 0:16:36.040 that happened, and she just kept blabbing away and kept 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:38.480 being fucking annoying. So it's like, God, damn it. So 0:16:38.560 --> 0:16:40.440 I give you your phone and I go, hey, everybody, 0:16:40.480 --> 0:16:44.000 I'm going to pass this phone around. Let's pass it 0:16:44.040 --> 0:16:46.920 around the whole audience and just text any text her mom, 0:16:46.960 --> 0:16:49.960 text her dad, text anybody in her phone anything you want, 0:16:50.320 --> 0:16:52.920 and like hundreds of kids got access to her phone 0:16:53.040 --> 0:16:55.360 and texted god knows what. I have no idea what 0:16:55.400 --> 0:16:59.080 the kids did amazing. Then the phone, the phone got 0:16:59.120 --> 0:17:01.160 back to her and she's kind of like in and out, 0:17:01.400 --> 0:17:04.000 and then she's like grabs her phone. She starts looking 0:17:04.040 --> 0:17:08.120 at it, and I see her turn like bugs bunny thermometer, 0:17:08.400 --> 0:17:12.400 red with anger, with like drunken anger, and like just 0:17:12.800 --> 0:17:16.040 like inhaling all the fucking foul texts these college kids 0:17:16.040 --> 0:17:18.520 are probably sending to like every one of her friends 0:17:18.520 --> 0:17:22.160 and family and anyone in her phone. Ex boyfriend's, old bosses, 0:17:22.200 --> 0:17:25.119 people she currently works with, who knows, who knows what 0:17:25.240 --> 0:17:30.639 Jieva Yeh, Gimon pop Pop, Like, yeah, I'll just like 0:17:31.080 --> 0:17:35.280 just the fucking heinous debris that these people, these the 0:17:35.400 --> 0:17:38.399 vitriol that whatever. I have no idea. I'm not responsible 0:17:38.600 --> 0:17:41.560 entirely for what they said, but like just heinous cribes 0:17:41.600 --> 0:17:45.920 against humanity. So I see her just reacting to all 0:17:46.000 --> 0:17:48.639 these incoming ship on her phone and then she just 0:17:48.800 --> 0:17:50.719 and then I just go back and I'm like kind 0:17:50.760 --> 0:17:52.359 of clocking it out of the corner of my eye 0:17:52.440 --> 0:17:54.280 and I just go back to my set, like, hey, 0:17:54.320 --> 0:17:56.960 what's up with the dublibitty blue or whatever. Then she 0:17:57.200 --> 0:18:01.760 just jumps on stage and sings like a big haymaker 0:18:02.320 --> 0:18:05.120 at me, and I like whoa and like matrix tight 0:18:05.160 --> 0:18:07.959 sheet out of the way. She almost punched me right 0:18:07.960 --> 0:18:10.800