1 00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:07,480 Speaker 1: Hey, this is Andy and Samantha become stuff. 2 00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:09,039 Speaker 2: I never told your production of iHeart Radio. 3 00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:21,599 Speaker 3: And we are back with another happy hour. But we're 4 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:24,120 Speaker 3: calling this, I guess an unhappy hour. I don't know, 5 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:28,880 Speaker 3: it's a life check hour. Okay, adding new names of things. 6 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:32,959 Speaker 3: But before we start, as always, if you are drinking 7 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:40,080 Speaker 3: or partaking of anything to enjoy this episode, be responsible 8 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,839 Speaker 3: and take care of yourself. Always take care of yourself. 9 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,680 Speaker 3: And if we're talking about product, we're not necessarily being 10 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:49,080 Speaker 3: sponsored by that product. Currently things change, who knows, but 11 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:52,440 Speaker 3: none of the things that we're talking about today is 12 00:00:52,479 --> 00:00:55,400 Speaker 3: a current sponsor as of now. So Annie, what are 13 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:56,040 Speaker 3: you sipping. 14 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:57,480 Speaker 1: Own light beer? 15 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,320 Speaker 2: Like he's my last one? 16 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:01,120 Speaker 1: Oh? 17 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:02,680 Speaker 2: This is good because I'm trying to clear out my 18 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,640 Speaker 2: friend a happy occasion. 19 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,440 Speaker 3: It's an interesting goal, like I know, cleaning it out, 20 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:11,320 Speaker 3: but you're like trying to like and try it out. 21 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:16,240 Speaker 4: No, it's fact. My friend I had friends over this weekend. 22 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:21,759 Speaker 4: They opened it up in like casploun It's really no, 23 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:25,480 Speaker 4: because it's all stuff I'm saving for other things. Oh, 24 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,319 Speaker 4: like I have my Dungeons and Dragons beer. That's saving 25 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:30,760 Speaker 4: for Dungeons and Dragons forever and like a bunch of 26 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:31,319 Speaker 4: stuff like that. 27 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,200 Speaker 3: So no, no, we have to get an update after 28 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:38,360 Speaker 3: your last next one, obviously if your dungeons and dragons. 29 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,960 Speaker 1: I'm sticking with my bubbly water. 30 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:41,880 Speaker 2: Uh. 31 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:45,240 Speaker 3: It's been a rough few days, so I don't drink 32 00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:47,520 Speaker 3: that much. Let's just get down to it. Uh, that's 33 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:48,080 Speaker 3: just who I am. 34 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:48,320 Speaker 5: Now. 35 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,640 Speaker 3: We did go and celebrate together not too long ago, 36 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,600 Speaker 3: and I had a couple of drinks. Like I had 37 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,000 Speaker 3: literally two drinks. I woke up hungover. 38 00:01:57,880 --> 00:01:59,600 Speaker 1: It is not fun. I do not like this. 39 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:01,800 Speaker 3: So I've decided I don't think I'm gonna rink that 40 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,840 Speaker 3: much at all, if I do at all, because maybe 41 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,000 Speaker 3: it's sugary drinks. Maybe it's just because I can't take 42 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,560 Speaker 3: it anymore. Maybe that I've just been really dizzy a 43 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,120 Speaker 3: lot lately and so it doesn't help. 44 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:11,960 Speaker 1: Who knows. 45 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:15,400 Speaker 3: Maybe I'm fartigo who knows self diagnosing all the time. 46 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:18,760 Speaker 3: But before we start with this episode, it put a 47 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,119 Speaker 3: content warning. We're going to talk about death and religious 48 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:26,160 Speaker 3: religious trauma in general, aging, I guess, because there's a 49 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:29,880 Speaker 3: lot when it comes to this. So if y'all don't 50 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:33,280 Speaker 3: want to listen to me whine about aging, y'all might want. 51 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,240 Speaker 1: To hop off, because I get it. 52 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:36,720 Speaker 3: I get it also, but if you want to hear 53 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:43,120 Speaker 3: about my quirky family, stick around, y'all stick around. But yeah, 54 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:48,200 Speaker 3: So with that, just recently lost my aunt, my dad's sister. 55 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:53,000 Speaker 3: She has been in care for a while. She's had 56 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,840 Speaker 3: dementia apparently for a long time, and it's gotten worse. 57 00:02:57,160 --> 00:03:01,400 Speaker 3: Her husband who also passed away earlier at the end 58 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:04,920 Speaker 3: of last year, so about five months ago so, and 59 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:08,080 Speaker 3: he was going through a pretty harsh about of dementia 60 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,720 Speaker 3: as well, that he was getting kind of volatile because 61 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:14,400 Speaker 3: he was so unaware and a little bit of paranoia 62 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,079 Speaker 3: had stepped in. But he has him and his wife, 63 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,280 Speaker 3: my aunt and my uncle, their children are like two 64 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,200 Speaker 3: of them are nurses and works at one of the 65 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,440 Speaker 3: work at like a care facility for dementia patients specifically, 66 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,360 Speaker 3: which I didn't realize existed in l J, Georgia, but 67 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:29,840 Speaker 3: it does. 68 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,359 Speaker 1: And so they were under good care. 69 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,880 Speaker 3: And I think they were comfortable, as people like to say, 70 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:41,600 Speaker 3: towards the end. My dad is significantly younger than her 71 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 3: his other siblings because he was the baby. He's a 72 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,840 Speaker 3: baby of the family. He's still in his sixties. He's 73 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,560 Speaker 3: still in his late sixties, but like they were eighties, 74 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:53,480 Speaker 3: like in they're in their eighties. I have two aunts 75 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:56,080 Speaker 3: left on that side of the family, my mom's side 76 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:59,440 Speaker 3: of the family. They are they aboth, still exist and 77 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,440 Speaker 3: they're not that much older. Actually their age is a 78 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:05,160 Speaker 3: little bit different, but so my other two aunts are 79 00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:08,120 Speaker 3: in their eighties as well. And I don't see my 80 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,320 Speaker 3: family often, especially that side of the family, actually either 81 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:12,760 Speaker 3: side of the family. I don't go to a lot 82 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:16,320 Speaker 3: of family get togethers. I don't know if that's part 83 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:20,760 Speaker 3: of my like trauma and my anxiety and in general 84 00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:23,200 Speaker 3: and when it comes to my attachment theories and family 85 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:27,719 Speaker 3: biological family, which I don't hold dear oftentimes, Like I 86 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,039 Speaker 3: am very loyal and I love my family and I 87 00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:33,760 Speaker 3: will fight for them, but I also will criticize them 88 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,240 Speaker 3: very quickly and understanding that they are wrong in so 89 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:37,800 Speaker 3: many ways, just like I am. 90 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:38,560 Speaker 1: I'm sure, but. 91 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,919 Speaker 3: For me, like seeing any kind of racist or bigotry, 92 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:46,880 Speaker 3: which happens a lot because they stand on their religious 93 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:51,599 Speaker 3: beliefs as a part of their reasoning for this, I 94 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:54,479 Speaker 3: don't do too well in any of that. And this 95 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:59,520 Speaker 3: side of the family is very old fashioned. I'm trying 96 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:00,599 Speaker 3: to keep this. 97 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:02,920 Speaker 1: Respectful. 98 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:07,680 Speaker 3: They're very old fashioned and some of the beliefs that. 99 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:09,680 Speaker 1: I grew up with. I've talked about this before. 100 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,880 Speaker 3: Uh there's not even really a name for this sect 101 00:05:14,279 --> 00:05:20,720 Speaker 3: of Baptists. I've heard foot washing Baptist. I've heard there 102 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:24,920 Speaker 3: was another one country Baptist, a primal uh P first Baptist. 103 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,800 Speaker 3: I think this is what it's called. But I think, 104 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:28,520 Speaker 3: like when I read it, like that's not the same 105 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:31,159 Speaker 3: thing because they don't necessarily believe in tongues. They don't 106 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,120 Speaker 3: believe in like snake handling. That's not a they're not 107 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:38,160 Speaker 3: a Pentecostal, that old school Pentecostal ideal, because New Pentecostal 108 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:42,719 Speaker 3: is a different level too. They don't believe like what 109 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:47,760 Speaker 3: they don't believe in seminaries. They think that's going against 110 00:05:47,839 --> 00:05:53,040 Speaker 3: the spirit. In general, they're very old old King James 111 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:55,400 Speaker 3: version only. I think my parents kind of have stepped 112 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:58,000 Speaker 3: away from that, realizing this is a old fashion. You know, 113 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:03,000 Speaker 3: maybe we should look around. Nope, no pants and church, 114 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:06,880 Speaker 3: no women speaking, no deacons, all those things. You get 115 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,800 Speaker 3: called on, And when I say called on, you just 116 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 3: get a feeling essentially about like becoming a preacher or 117 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,839 Speaker 3: speaking or any of that. And you can be young, 118 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:17,480 Speaker 3: like they don't care how those you are. 119 00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:18,240 Speaker 1: If you say you. 120 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:21,160 Speaker 3: Have the calling, which is what they call it, then 121 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:22,960 Speaker 3: you can be a preacher. I think I've met seventeen 122 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,599 Speaker 3: year old preachers who lead churches and become the leader 123 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,440 Speaker 3: of churches, and you're like, what the all that to say? 124 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:29,440 Speaker 1: So really odd? 125 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:33,120 Speaker 3: Like I remember one service, this dude got up and 126 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:36,200 Speaker 3: yelled and preached about how women were wearing makeup or 127 00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:39,719 Speaker 3: sinners and causing people to sin and this is what's 128 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:40,400 Speaker 3: wrong with the world. 129 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:43,240 Speaker 1: And I was like, what's that? What's that? What's happening? 130 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:45,440 Speaker 3: Even to the point that my family was like no, 131 00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:49,480 Speaker 3: like they are like but they allowed it, Like it's 132 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:52,400 Speaker 3: all these things. So with all that, that's that side 133 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,400 Speaker 3: of the family. And I'm the reason I'm giving y 134 00:06:54,440 --> 00:07:00,840 Speaker 3: all this heads up. My partner, who has his mom, 135 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:05,200 Speaker 3: is religious like in that she prays and she will 136 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,400 Speaker 3: read the Bible and she used to go to church. 137 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,800 Speaker 1: She is also very understated. She's very liberal. 138 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:15,080 Speaker 3: She is all about women's rights, she is all about understanding. 139 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,720 Speaker 3: Like she and I align of politically very well. 140 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:19,240 Speaker 1: And she's like. 141 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:24,360 Speaker 3: Like a Democrat who's trying to see things through like it, 142 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,960 Speaker 3: has been working for the party since her college years, 143 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,920 Speaker 3: Like she was one of the first to think women 144 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,640 Speaker 3: to be a part of that association and looking at 145 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:36,000 Speaker 3: women's rights and votings and all that, so very cool. 146 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,800 Speaker 3: So that's as religious I think. And then I think 147 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,400 Speaker 3: his follow is Catholic. I believe he told me. 148 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:43,240 Speaker 1: But not religious. 149 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:46,600 Speaker 3: So all that to say is I had to prepare 150 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:51,480 Speaker 3: him for what my service was, and I went to 151 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:55,760 Speaker 3: the extreme of like, Okay, look, imagine again this is 152 00:07:55,800 --> 00:08:00,880 Speaker 3: where I'm like, I'm pretty sure much like Menia things, 153 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,600 Speaker 3: especially when you go into the times of enslavement and 154 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:07,240 Speaker 3: all that where you had lower class white people who 155 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:11,400 Speaker 3: were not enslaved but not well off and like stealing 156 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:12,360 Speaker 3: from black culture. 157 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,400 Speaker 1: Like I think this is where this is coming from. 158 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,920 Speaker 3: Because my church, I had to explain it as imagine 159 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:21,960 Speaker 3: you're going listening to a black preacher, so a little 160 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:26,120 Speaker 3: more cinematic, a little more drama. But they're screaming, yelling 161 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:31,680 Speaker 3: at you, sometimes with a sing songy voice, with things 162 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:35,319 Speaker 3: that don't make sense and probably have some bigoted statements. 163 00:08:35,679 --> 00:08:38,839 Speaker 3: And then they take one verse from the Bible and 164 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:42,640 Speaker 3: they rent about it for a good thirty minutes, and 165 00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:44,880 Speaker 3: it may have nothing to do with the actual chapter 166 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:49,360 Speaker 3: of the Bible, so I have to explain this. And 167 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:52,560 Speaker 3: they will do this at a funeral, and oftentimes they 168 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:57,720 Speaker 3: have three or four pastors. So I told them very prepove, 169 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,480 Speaker 3: like if they be an hour and maybe thirty minut in, 170 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:03,000 Speaker 3: maybe three hours, we don't know. 171 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,520 Speaker 1: So he was just like, oh damn. 172 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:08,080 Speaker 3: And I was like, and I don't know. Sometimes they 173 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:11,520 Speaker 3: do some odd things, and this might include literally washing 174 00:09:11,559 --> 00:09:15,080 Speaker 3: people's feet, telling people to come to the front to 175 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:19,960 Speaker 3: pray individually, get laid hands like, which doesn't sound unusual 176 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,679 Speaker 3: when you're not used to all of these elements. 177 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:26,160 Speaker 1: I was like, you. 178 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:31,280 Speaker 3: Just are gonna have to prepare. You might have people shouting, 179 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:45,160 Speaker 3: like literally screaming for no reason, but so all these 180 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:49,440 Speaker 3: things and it sounds like I'm trying to scare people. 181 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:55,400 Speaker 3: But when I told him and he came in, it 182 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:55,960 Speaker 3: wasn't as. 183 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:57,480 Speaker 1: Bad as I thought that. 184 00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,679 Speaker 3: I gave him the worst case scenarios of what I 185 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:03,120 Speaker 3: was sa scene, but it wasn't that bad. We did have 186 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,800 Speaker 3: an older man who I'm sure had pretty severe in 187 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:12,480 Speaker 3: phasema trying to yell, sing, songy, but not even sing songy. 188 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:16,839 Speaker 3: It just becomes yelling preaching about the mystical ideas of heaven. 189 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:19,320 Speaker 3: We'll just keep it at that. Like I'm trying to imagine, 190 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:22,160 Speaker 3: like how to say this, and I forgot to tell 191 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,880 Speaker 3: him because different people have different practices that they do 192 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,280 Speaker 3: leave the casket open. Not only that, like you go 193 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,920 Speaker 3: before see the family, see the casket open. 194 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:32,480 Speaker 1: They have it for a couple of days. 195 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:37,120 Speaker 3: It's not necessarily awake because there's no fun part to 196 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,360 Speaker 3: this except for people who you know, get to reminiscence 197 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:42,679 Speaker 3: see each other and then coming in and then you 198 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:44,640 Speaker 3: walk around the casket to see them again. And I 199 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,000 Speaker 3: have to put it, put on a big show and 200 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,400 Speaker 3: then hug everyone, even if you don't know everyone, which 201 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:49,640 Speaker 3: by the way, I forgot half of the people. 202 00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:51,400 Speaker 1: I was like, oh, and he was going to go. 203 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,400 Speaker 3: With me because he's a supportive partner, and I was like, 204 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,880 Speaker 3: you don't want to do this, And as he was 205 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,720 Speaker 3: watching everybody, he's like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna stay back here. 206 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:03,800 Speaker 3: Because for him, as he's met my immediate family and 207 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:05,640 Speaker 3: as in fact he had met one of my aunts, 208 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:09,680 Speaker 3: he now met the entire family whom I don't even 209 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:12,160 Speaker 3: talk to as much. And this is also a part 210 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,720 Speaker 3: of the family who have pretty big gooded ideas and 211 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:18,640 Speaker 3: made sure to publicly humiliate people who they felt are wrong, 212 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 3: and that could be like whether it's queer. I was 213 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,760 Speaker 3: apparently talked about about, Oh no, she went to Atlanta, 214 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,280 Speaker 3: which means the devil got a hold of me, essentially 215 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:32,000 Speaker 3: that I have turned away from Jesus and I talked 216 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,920 Speaker 3: about it. They talked about the fact that Savetha's gone 217 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:34,440 Speaker 3: to Atlanta. 218 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,000 Speaker 1: Oh no, like that. 219 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,640 Speaker 3: So this is the same side of the family that 220 00:11:41,679 --> 00:11:43,719 Speaker 3: did all of this and that has all this conversation. 221 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:49,320 Speaker 1: So trying to prepare my partner for this was surreal. 222 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:50,479 Speaker 1: But also. 223 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,280 Speaker 3: With all of these things, And I'm laughing a little 224 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,559 Speaker 3: bit about it because there were moments where I tried 225 00:11:56,679 --> 00:11:59,839 Speaker 3: not to laugh during because everything I was telling him 226 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,360 Speaker 3: could tell it. He was like, oh God, oh God, 227 00:12:02,559 --> 00:12:06,480 Speaker 3: like when you bring someone to something and you don't 228 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:09,360 Speaker 3: mean to but it becomes kind of a show that 229 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:15,160 Speaker 3: you were like, but in like laughing because it's it's 230 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,800 Speaker 3: that moment of like, this is my life. If this 231 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:23,400 Speaker 3: was a movie, this was what it's like having those moments. 232 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:28,959 Speaker 3: But with that, I also witnessed my father kissing his 233 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:32,240 Speaker 3: sister for the last time, who was not present because 234 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:35,040 Speaker 3: she was dead, you know, seeing that, like having that 235 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,320 Speaker 3: as scene, but also seeing the fact that this is 236 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,640 Speaker 3: out of the five siblings that he has, there's six of. 237 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:41,160 Speaker 1: Them, there's only two left. 238 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,320 Speaker 3: And the first thing he said to me was like, 239 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,960 Speaker 3: you know so and so, who one of my aunts 240 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,840 Speaker 3: fought and seen in years, was like, she she looks frail, 241 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:50,599 Speaker 3: doesn't she. She looks like she's gotten older, which I 242 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,520 Speaker 3: think I think she looked. I was, honestly, I was like, actually, 243 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:54,400 Speaker 3: I think she looks great. She looks much better than 244 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,560 Speaker 3: I thought. And she has been a smoker for the 245 00:12:56,600 --> 00:13:02,760 Speaker 3: past sevens like sixty five years, Like she's been smoking 246 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,080 Speaker 3: for sixty five years, and. 247 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:05,960 Speaker 1: She still looks great. 248 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:09,080 Speaker 3: Like she's still walking and there's no walker, there's no 249 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,400 Speaker 3: you know, like she's coherent. She can hear me well, 250 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,320 Speaker 3: like all these things. At eighty one and to me, 251 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:15,960 Speaker 3: she doesn't look at you one. And my other aunt, 252 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,679 Speaker 3: who is at eighty four eighty two, I think I 253 00:13:18,679 --> 00:13:22,079 Speaker 3: think he's eighty four, also looks great. It is very 254 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,679 Speaker 3: coherent and like like I've seen her a few times 255 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,920 Speaker 3: because she comes to our family stuff and like it's 256 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:30,480 Speaker 3: good to see, but knowing that he is watching them age, 257 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,440 Speaker 3: and then I'm watching my father and my mother age 258 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,320 Speaker 3: as well, and there's so many unspoken things there that 259 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:41,200 Speaker 3: I feel like I have a level of guilt and shame, 260 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,200 Speaker 3: but at the same time, like also a little bit 261 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:48,560 Speaker 3: of resentment lying here. And then also this takes me 262 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,640 Speaker 3: to you know, and I've talked about this previously, wanting 263 00:13:51,679 --> 00:13:54,240 Speaker 3: to try to find my biological family, but wondering if 264 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,360 Speaker 3: any of them are alive. I don't know the ages 265 00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:01,000 Speaker 3: of my biological family. And then knowing that my biological father, 266 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,120 Speaker 3: I don't know the history with him. I don't know 267 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,959 Speaker 3: if he actually knew that I was going to be adopted. 268 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:07,440 Speaker 3: I don't know if he actually knew I was ever 269 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:09,840 Speaker 3: placed in an orphanage, because he was not a part 270 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:13,360 Speaker 3: of that family decision from what I'm aware of, Like 271 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,080 Speaker 3: all of these things, there are so many things that 272 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,920 Speaker 3: I can't coab so all of these things are tumbling 273 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,840 Speaker 3: on top of me with the death of my aunt, 274 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:24,360 Speaker 3: who honestly I was close with her for a while, 275 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:27,520 Speaker 3: but I distanced myself from them because I very heavily 276 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:29,600 Speaker 3: disagreed with a lot of things that they have done 277 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,160 Speaker 3: when it comes to like personal opinions as such. I mean, 278 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:37,320 Speaker 3: twenty to sixteen really ficked up a lot of relationships. 279 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:41,680 Speaker 3: And I really think that that's part of this for 280 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:47,120 Speaker 3: me and trying to figure all this out, and with that, 281 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:49,760 Speaker 3: figure all this out, figure my identity out, figure out 282 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:54,400 Speaker 3: my place in my family, which feels uncertain or at 283 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,720 Speaker 3: least like damaged. I guess, I know, I don't know 284 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:00,400 Speaker 3: how to say that. And then with that be because 285 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,640 Speaker 3: there's we have gone so differently in our opinions and 286 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:07,160 Speaker 3: our makeup, Like me going away from social work to 287 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:11,240 Speaker 3: this podcast really brought a barrier down, really brought some 288 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:14,800 Speaker 3: things down that I think my parents are somewhat ashamed of, 289 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,080 Speaker 3: you know, like that that's this level. So I don't know, 290 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:20,320 Speaker 3: and because I now know that I'm the cousin who 291 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:23,280 Speaker 3: went to Atlanta, I lost her way. But also when 292 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:24,760 Speaker 3: I do see them, and I do hug them and 293 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:27,880 Speaker 3: I do talk to them, and this is meant to 294 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:31,360 Speaker 3: be a compliment, but it still kind of gets me 295 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,000 Speaker 3: just like, you know, I love you as one of 296 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:36,400 Speaker 3: my own, which has said to me a lot that 297 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:43,360 Speaker 3: I'm like I know I'm supposed to receive that with openness, 298 00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:47,040 Speaker 3: but you need to understand this, like that context of 299 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,400 Speaker 3: being like a white savior like that. Everyone that I 300 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:52,720 Speaker 3: hear from, as well as people who hear my story, 301 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:54,920 Speaker 3: they're like, oh my god, your parents are amazing. They 302 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,800 Speaker 3: really they really took you in as one of your own. 303 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,360 Speaker 3: I'm like, I feel like a dog. I feel like 304 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,600 Speaker 3: a puppy. Which don't get me wrong, my puppy is 305 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:06,320 Speaker 3: very left and she is one of mine. All of that, 306 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,640 Speaker 3: so there are so many things that presses on me 307 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:14,960 Speaker 3: in this time. And because of those types of moments 308 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:20,800 Speaker 3: and those resentments or maybe feeling like maybe they're ashamed 309 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:24,080 Speaker 3: of me or like disappointed in me because I'm not 310 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,520 Speaker 3: what they had hoped. I'm not the token that they 311 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:29,480 Speaker 3: had hoped I would be. There lies this level of anxiety. 312 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:33,920 Speaker 3: I have been anxious for four days knowing that I 313 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,440 Speaker 3: was going to this funeral, knowing that I was going 314 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,920 Speaker 3: to see the family, and knowing that I had to 315 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:41,400 Speaker 3: portray this like obviously, I'm already uncomfortable with death. Everybody's 316 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,560 Speaker 3: uncomfortable with death to a certain degree. I went through 317 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,800 Speaker 3: that period that and everybody who goes through this and 318 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:53,200 Speaker 3: I know, you know of like experiencing death and then 319 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:56,600 Speaker 3: somehow revolving around some significant things that make you think, oh, 320 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,360 Speaker 3: this is the sign of something bigger. 321 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:01,520 Speaker 1: And it's not good. 322 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,840 Speaker 3: This is an almondous like stands like all of these 323 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:08,240 Speaker 3: things feel like it's piling up on this. So the 324 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,520 Speaker 3: anxiety coming at this point, like the last five days, 325 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,280 Speaker 3: my like ritz Crackers not a sponsor, y'all. And I 326 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:21,440 Speaker 3: know probably was probably supposed to be like boycotting them somehow. 327 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,320 Speaker 3: I don't know, because every brand needs to be boycotted, 328 00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:26,560 Speaker 3: I understand, but have been like my source of food 329 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:28,920 Speaker 3: that and fruit, like that's all I've been eating because 330 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,840 Speaker 3: my anxiety won't let me eat any of that. On 331 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,439 Speaker 3: top of all of these things, and then going to 332 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:39,080 Speaker 3: the funeral, I took a half a diaz a PAM. 333 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,880 Speaker 3: Thank you doctor Warner who helped me with my teeth 334 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,399 Speaker 3: because he's the one that prescribed me. 335 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:44,360 Speaker 1: And I had a few left. 336 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,360 Speaker 3: Over, and I'm like, yeah, need that need that, uh 337 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:49,639 Speaker 3: to go And through that, I was like able to 338 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:53,080 Speaker 3: make it through without like feeling like I was going 339 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:56,680 Speaker 3: to break had have a panic attack. My partner again 340 00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,679 Speaker 3: accompanying me to this was significan It was one of 341 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:01,959 Speaker 3: those things like you don't have to come, but if 342 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,320 Speaker 3: you don't come, this is going to impact our relations, 343 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:08,440 Speaker 3: which he knew like he wouldn't even that wasn't even 344 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:11,560 Speaker 3: a thought, like he absolutely showed up. But all of 345 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,399 Speaker 3: those things have left me in such an odd state, 346 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:20,240 Speaker 3: like it's just it's a pause, it's a fog where nothing, 347 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:26,919 Speaker 3: where everything feels trivial, nothing quite makes sense. But I 348 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,080 Speaker 3: feel like it shouldn't affect me this much. And it 349 00:18:29,119 --> 00:18:32,480 Speaker 3: could be that I'm we are not over the world's disaster, 350 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:36,919 Speaker 3: so when some small personal thing happens, it feels like 351 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,200 Speaker 3: that's the final drop that makes everything crack. And that 352 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,199 Speaker 3: could be where it was. And I will say I 353 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:45,000 Speaker 3: didn't even though I was also close to my uncle 354 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,840 Speaker 3: and who passed away five months ago, it didn't feel 355 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,639 Speaker 3: like this. I don't know what the shock is. I 356 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:52,920 Speaker 3: don't know what this is. It doesn't quite make sense 357 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:57,400 Speaker 3: for me. But like all of these things, like opening 358 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:01,320 Speaker 3: myself up personally and being like, welcome to the chaos 359 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:04,000 Speaker 3: of my family. I'm sorry, and trying to like build 360 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:09,520 Speaker 3: that up to realizing we're all aging, like I'm like, 361 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,680 Speaker 3: I'm watching my face age. I'm washing my hairs turn gray, 362 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,280 Speaker 3: you know, being forties, and I know that's not old. 363 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:17,480 Speaker 3: And I don't feel old except for every now and 364 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,480 Speaker 3: the end. My body is like pop pop pop pop pop, 365 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:25,000 Speaker 3: don't get up, but like aging, like just watching that happen. 366 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,119 Speaker 3: On top of like feeling like I might be losing 367 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:33,520 Speaker 3: chances with the fact that I still don't have a 368 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:39,440 Speaker 3: firm grasp of culture, of my culture, of a culture 369 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:43,280 Speaker 3: in general, because I feel like I'm borrowing Southern culture 370 00:19:44,119 --> 00:19:47,720 Speaker 3: because I was placed here, you know, And so those 371 00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:51,040 Speaker 3: things with the anxiety, with the panic, with the crisis 372 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,439 Speaker 3: that's happening in the United States and with the crisis 373 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:57,040 Speaker 3: that's happening internationally, and feeling like everything is falling apart 374 00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,440 Speaker 3: that bridge following you're like, what the heck is happening. 375 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:03,520 Speaker 3: I saw a video like all the I thought that 376 00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:06,080 Speaker 3: the Cicada's all turning gay. You're welcome at Annie. I 377 00:20:06,119 --> 00:20:11,520 Speaker 3: wasn't wow, deep dive in that with me sending you that. 378 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:14,120 Speaker 1: That I started gay. 379 00:20:14,359 --> 00:20:16,719 Speaker 2: I got that first thing in the morning. 380 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:18,480 Speaker 4: It was like the first thing I read this ordio, 381 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:23,399 Speaker 4: I was like, oh, I was. 382 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:26,480 Speaker 1: Like, how did I jump here? Like I know cicadas 383 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:32,359 Speaker 1: are coming, but they're gay, Like what okay, hey nature? 384 00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:47,359 Speaker 3: But all of these things, it feels, it feels, it 385 00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,760 Speaker 3: feels huge to me, And I know this is a 386 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,680 Speaker 3: neurotic view of like what's actually happening. 387 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:54,680 Speaker 1: And again like. 388 00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,240 Speaker 3: She was my aunt and I loved her and I 389 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,280 Speaker 3: haven't seen her in a while, and I feel like 390 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:04,240 Speaker 3: this shouldn't have been the catalyst that pushed me into 391 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:07,840 Speaker 3: this point, but somehow I'm here and like feeling like 392 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:13,760 Speaker 3: I can't organize it. Does that makes sense? Even as 393 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,560 Speaker 3: I'm telling he doesn't, like, I think I just made 394 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:17,040 Speaker 3: this like even compete more confusing. 395 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:20,400 Speaker 2: No, that makes sense. I this is a. 396 00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:24,960 Speaker 4: Very like much lower key situation, but hopefully the metaphor 397 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,879 Speaker 4: will stand. One time I was at I was at 398 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:32,520 Speaker 4: physical therapy and I was just like visibly upset and 399 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,840 Speaker 4: the guy my therapist was like, you know, trying to 400 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:37,359 Speaker 4: get to the bottom. 401 00:21:37,359 --> 00:21:37,760 Speaker 2: What was wrong. 402 00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:39,240 Speaker 4: I was like, I feel like I'm not giving you 403 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,280 Speaker 4: standard numbers, like you always ask me, like how much 404 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:44,720 Speaker 4: pain I'm in? Right, I feel like I'm not giving 405 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:48,200 Speaker 4: you standard numbers. And he was like, but it doesn't 406 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:52,440 Speaker 4: really matter, like this day, even if that pain yesterday 407 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:54,240 Speaker 4: was just a two for you, if now it's a four, 408 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:55,880 Speaker 4: is it a four? 409 00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:56,280 Speaker 3: Like? 410 00:21:57,119 --> 00:22:00,040 Speaker 4: So I think like it makes sense you and I 411 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:01,879 Speaker 4: I do this a lot or we're trying to, like, 412 00:22:02,359 --> 00:22:04,680 Speaker 4: especially in our job, you're always trying to like put 413 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,560 Speaker 4: into place like on a scale, right, like it should 414 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:11,040 Speaker 4: be here, but sometimes it's just not how it works. 415 00:22:11,359 --> 00:22:13,959 Speaker 4: And like it is also all related, you know, like 416 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,879 Speaker 4: it's true the world is in total chaos. We have 417 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:18,440 Speaker 4: had a lot of friends, a lot of people in 418 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:24,720 Speaker 4: our life that are having illnesses. Scares this like that's 419 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:28,000 Speaker 4: going to impact you. So it's I don't think like 420 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,919 Speaker 4: those things. It feels like it should be logical in 421 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:32,880 Speaker 4: a way, but it's just not really it doesn't fit 422 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:33,720 Speaker 4: into that right. 423 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,919 Speaker 3: I mean this, yeah, maybe absolutely is like my avoidant 424 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,920 Speaker 3: personality and being like I will not be a weepy girl. 425 00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:43,119 Speaker 3: And yes, I'm saying this is like this is a 426 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:48,320 Speaker 3: very sexist like internalized misogyny that I have that if 427 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:52,440 Speaker 3: I can't logically walk through this and iout low for 428 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:56,160 Speaker 3: something that a death is hard and painful, but like 429 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,640 Speaker 3: I'm rationalizing why it shouldn't be as a big deal 430 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:02,280 Speaker 3: to me personal like these are all these things that 431 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:05,080 Speaker 3: I'm like, this shows that I have strength because like 432 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,200 Speaker 3: there's also this part of me like I'm like I've 433 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:10,800 Speaker 3: grown up with loss, like that is what I know, 434 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,639 Speaker 3: Like that is this, Like I've always prepared for loss, 435 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:17,280 Speaker 3: like inevitably, this pessimist inside of me is like, yeah, 436 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:21,399 Speaker 3: everybody's gonna leave whatever that looks like, this is what 437 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:26,680 Speaker 3: it looks like. But also and understanding that my reaction, 438 00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:35,320 Speaker 3: my reactionary response has changed but hasn't and that whole 439 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:40,879 Speaker 3: just shut down, which I have partially done, but at 440 00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:44,720 Speaker 3: the same time like denial because I feel like I 441 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:48,359 Speaker 3: don't have time for this. But all of that is 442 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:51,240 Speaker 3: saying it's been an interesting. 443 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,520 Speaker 1: And also trying to be. 444 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,359 Speaker 3: I'm not a planner. I'm not I'm not a like 445 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:01,439 Speaker 3: a I'm not a type A person. I'm absolutely like 446 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:05,600 Speaker 3: the like laid back, low key uh to a tour. No, 447 00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:08,640 Speaker 3: that's not true. I take up what is needed. That's 448 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:12,160 Speaker 3: actually my personality. If I need to lead, I will, 449 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,280 Speaker 3: but I'd rather not so I'll let other people lead 450 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:17,600 Speaker 3: if there's other people who lead, Like that's that's my 451 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:21,119 Speaker 3: personality type. But like so having this like wanting to 452 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:25,040 Speaker 3: prep my partner, like I went and bought clothes for 453 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:26,680 Speaker 3: him to be like, we need to eat all in black. 454 00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:28,040 Speaker 3: And then I showed up but if everyone was in red, 455 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:30,240 Speaker 3: I was like, what because apparently sort a favorite color. 456 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,520 Speaker 3: And I was like, oh, okay, well bright spring and 457 00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:35,520 Speaker 3: my mother wasn't beautiful very pretty spring colors. I was like, 458 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:37,719 Speaker 3: and we looked like we just came out of an 459 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,080 Speaker 3: episode of Matrix. So like. 460 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:44,000 Speaker 1: It was just like, oh, okay, okay. My partner was like, 461 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:45,439 Speaker 1: I think I think we're too black, and I was like, nah, 462 00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,720 Speaker 1: we're good because this is what I would wear it 463 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:49,800 Speaker 1: every day anyway. But it was a whole thing. 464 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:52,640 Speaker 3: But I would in panic mode trying to buy things 465 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:55,840 Speaker 3: from me and him because that was the level like 466 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:57,320 Speaker 3: I have to do this, this and this, and let 467 00:24:57,400 --> 00:24:59,159 Speaker 3: me plan ahead for this and like even though it 468 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,520 Speaker 3: was again a necessary but this is the level that 469 00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:07,000 Speaker 3: I pushed into this reaction. My reaction was like, okay, 470 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:11,520 Speaker 3: let's overcompensate this way, also prepping him and be like, oh, 471 00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:16,199 Speaker 3: the church I went to is odd. I'm gonna tell you. 472 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,080 Speaker 3: I'm gonna tell you, Like people who I would have 473 00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:23,000 Speaker 3: as visitors would be scared. One person almost cried that 474 00:25:23,119 --> 00:25:28,840 Speaker 3: I take as a kid when I don't think people 475 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:32,920 Speaker 3: understand the scale. I'm kind of yeah, because it's not 476 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,280 Speaker 3: just like the movies where they scream at you by 477 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:35,840 Speaker 3: going to hell. 478 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:36,880 Speaker 2: Mm hmm. 479 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:39,520 Speaker 1: It is not that's not what it is. 480 00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:43,320 Speaker 3: I don't understand this brand, but I grew up with 481 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:45,520 Speaker 3: it was normal to me. I didn't realize untill later 482 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,199 Speaker 3: what it was. Maybe it was the way you up. 483 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,040 Speaker 3: I don't know, kids we're falling asleep all the time, 484 00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:53,679 Speaker 3: who knows. But yeah, so there's it's been. It's been 485 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:58,520 Speaker 3: a lot. The last week has been odd. Also, I 486 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:02,120 Speaker 3: like didn't tell me people because I think I've said 487 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:04,720 Speaker 3: talked about this before. I don't know how to do that, 488 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:09,879 Speaker 3: and I know like it just like it feels. But 489 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,000 Speaker 3: I would be upset if someone else didn't tell me, 490 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:14,359 Speaker 3: someone like if you hadn't like you know what I mean. 491 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:15,679 Speaker 3: But at the same something like, but I don't know 492 00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:17,680 Speaker 3: how to do that because it feels unimportant. 493 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:18,680 Speaker 2: Mm hmm. 494 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:22,879 Speaker 4: Yeah, I get that. And I've told you I have 495 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:30,840 Speaker 4: a I have a real concern with because you were 496 00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:32,520 Speaker 4: so kind to me. All my friends are so kind 497 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:35,280 Speaker 4: to me when my dad died. It's so good, and 498 00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:36,679 Speaker 4: I was like, I don't know if I could be 499 00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:39,200 Speaker 4: as good as that, Like there are things that get 500 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:42,719 Speaker 4: in your head. Yeah, when you're thinking about those things. 501 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:46,360 Speaker 4: So I totally get that. Like I've done that too, 502 00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:48,080 Speaker 4: where I just won't tell someone and then someone's like 503 00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:49,840 Speaker 4: wait what. 504 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:53,840 Speaker 3: And it's kind of one of those things that you like, 505 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:55,840 Speaker 3: I just don't know how to bring it up. 506 00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,920 Speaker 1: It just doesn't feel right. 507 00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:04,560 Speaker 3: Also, again I freeze, but when I freeze, I literally like, no, 508 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:07,720 Speaker 3: I don't want to do anything. Yeah, I don't want 509 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:09,120 Speaker 3: to get up the cook I don't want to get 510 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:11,960 Speaker 3: up to order things. I don't want to text any one. 511 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,879 Speaker 4: Yeah, And then when you tell them, you don't know 512 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:18,080 Speaker 4: what to say right, kind of like I don't know 513 00:27:18,119 --> 00:27:21,199 Speaker 4: what I want, I don't know what I need. So 514 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:23,800 Speaker 4: it's almost like it's more, well, now I've got to 515 00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:27,760 Speaker 4: deal with this because I don't this person I was just. 516 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:28,359 Speaker 1: Trying to help. 517 00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:31,720 Speaker 2: But like it is true, like it's it's gonna be 518 00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:32,800 Speaker 2: some extra thing. 519 00:27:33,119 --> 00:27:35,320 Speaker 4: Yeah, when maybe you just don't want to deal with 520 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:36,640 Speaker 4: the extra thing exactly. 521 00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:41,080 Speaker 1: And that's like I just it is. 522 00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:44,879 Speaker 3: But yeah, and with that, yeah, I'm vinning a fog. 523 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:51,520 Speaker 3: Uh I warned you earlier, and I think I warn't listeners. 524 00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:53,000 Speaker 1: Previously as well. 525 00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:56,800 Speaker 3: Essentially like it just feels like which I think I'm 526 00:27:56,800 --> 00:28:01,000 Speaker 3: still suffering from a brain fog from like pandemic stuff, 527 00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:04,040 Speaker 3: and maybe it's I'm gonna I'm gonna put everything pandemic. 528 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:07,080 Speaker 3: I've had COVID before and it was a rough one, 529 00:28:07,119 --> 00:28:10,640 Speaker 3: and I've had I think maybe perimenopause. Who knows, I'm 530 00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:13,200 Speaker 3: gonna put all this brain fag together. So like time's five, 531 00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:18,439 Speaker 3: that's right, I said it, But just feeling lost, like 532 00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:26,000 Speaker 3: I can't even graspfully next steps and jobs, next steps 533 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,640 Speaker 3: in like not jobs, but like what a right next 534 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:30,720 Speaker 3: episode or doing with what I should be doing, what 535 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,040 Speaker 3: I shouldn't be doing, and just like I'm already a 536 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:34,480 Speaker 3: procrastinator so that doesn't help. 537 00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:43,880 Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, well you know I'm always here and you 538 00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:47,480 Speaker 5: were great for me, so we can support each other 539 00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:47,760 Speaker 5: in this. 540 00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:53,000 Speaker 4: But it is really hard. You just can't convince yourself 541 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:56,160 Speaker 4: to do anything right. So I get you. 542 00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:59,960 Speaker 3: I mean, I get to look at the right future 543 00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:03,560 Speaker 3: of watching New Moon and eclipse, So there's that. 544 00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:07,240 Speaker 2: There's that. 545 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:10,959 Speaker 4: I hope that it does bring you some joy in 546 00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:16,280 Speaker 4: this time. I will be watching it tomorrow so excited. Yeah, 547 00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:18,800 Speaker 4: hope you text me with all the great reactions. 548 00:29:19,240 --> 00:29:19,760 Speaker 1: I need you to. 549 00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:24,320 Speaker 2: Oh my god, I don't know what to expect. You don't. 550 00:29:29,040 --> 00:29:33,480 Speaker 4: Well, thank you for sharing, Samantha and yes, listeners. If 551 00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:39,440 Speaker 4: you have any thoughts about greed for preparing a significant 552 00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:45,040 Speaker 4: other for in your family, because it is a lot 553 00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:48,520 Speaker 4: of it's a lot of stuff, well, you can write 554 00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:51,120 Speaker 4: to us. You can emails at seventy mom stuff at 555 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:53,480 Speaker 4: iHeartMedia dot com. You can find us on Twitter at 556 00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:56,360 Speaker 4: most podcast or on Instagram and TikTok that stuff. One 557 00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:58,840 Speaker 4: ever told you. We have a tea boblic story and 558 00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:00,640 Speaker 4: we have a book you can get wherever you get 559 00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:03,520 Speaker 4: your books. Thanks as always to our super producer Christina, 560 00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:06,280 Speaker 4: our executi producer, and our contributor Joey. Thank you and 561 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:07,320 Speaker 4: thanks to you for listening. 562 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:09,280 Speaker 2: Step I never told you the production of My Heart Radio. 563 00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:10,800 Speaker 4: For more podcasts from My Heart Radio, you can check 564 00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:12,520 Speaker 4: out the heart Radio app of the podcast, or wherever 565 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:13,800 Speaker 4: you listen to your favorite shows.