Speaker 1: Wind down and her radio podcast. Hey honey, how are
Speaker 1: you doing today? Well, um, Jason is not napping at
Speaker 1: the moment, so I'm a little stressed. Let me take
Speaker 1: the monitor from you. You might have to, because he's
Speaker 1: doing so good at night now, but his naps still
Speaker 1: are just a challenge. Yeah, he's not napping, and I
Speaker 1: feel like it's so hard because as a mom, and
Speaker 1: I don't say this in any disrespect at all, but
Speaker 1: we really need those naps. You know, as a mom,
Speaker 1: you don't think the dads. I feel like the dads
Speaker 1: like get their time regardless. That's just what I make
Speaker 1: up in my mind that like, you guys will have
Speaker 1: your time regardless. And you know, it is interesting though,
Speaker 1: because how we spend our then, like our time during
Speaker 1: that naptime. Yeah, because it's like, well you can explain
Speaker 1: what you do well. You know, Lunch has become my
Speaker 1: favorite meal because two our process, it looks it's the
Speaker 1: only meal that I get to myself because breakfast is
Speaker 1: a scramble, Dinners are scramble, and dinner I'm usually cooking,
Speaker 1: so it's like cooking and feeding the kids and putting
Speaker 1: them down. Whoever cooks doesn't feed the kid. So let's
Speaker 1: just correct that one a little bit. Every time you've cooked,
Speaker 1: have you ever had to feed the kids? Maybe? Once? Maybe? What?
Speaker 1: Majority of the time, right, whoever is cooking doesn't have
Speaker 1: to feed the kids. It's never really been a spoken thing.
Speaker 1: It's it's just out of respect for the fact that
Speaker 1: you're cooking. I'm not gonna be like, hey, can you
Speaker 1: feed Jay's two while I well, I always try to
Speaker 1: help as much as I can, for sure, but the
Speaker 1: normally whoever is cooking doesn't have to do the legwork
Speaker 1: of Jay's Well, that's news to me, guys. So you
Speaker 1: guys are all witnesses that that's where Jana's head is at.
Speaker 1: But it's lunch is the only meal that I don't
Speaker 1: have to scramble, that we don't have to scramble. So
Speaker 1: I take my time. You need my lunch. I love it.
Speaker 1: It's your time. You do you? You You do you? What
Speaker 1: do you do? I do laundry, I respond back to emails,
Speaker 1: I work. I yeah, But again, it's just we have
Speaker 1: different ways of of doing us. So how's everything with you?
Speaker 1: What's going on in Mike's world? Since we love Mike's world,
Speaker 1: do we love Mike's world. I don't know. You always
Speaker 1: say in therapy, you say in Mike's world, Yeah, Mike's world. Ever,
Speaker 1: I'm always right, and you know that's not the case
Speaker 1: around here. No, I mean, I think we're kind of
Speaker 1: falling back into our routine again after going on vacation
Speaker 1: and everything. And it's but I will say, I miss vacation,
Speaker 1: like I want to go on vacation again. I know,
Speaker 1: like I wish we could, like I wish we could
Speaker 1: go to the beach, as wish things were normal, normal,
Speaker 1: as everyone does, you know. And it's just again, we've
Speaker 1: been in a fortunate situation where on a day to
Speaker 1: day this all hasn't affected us as dramatically as maybe
Speaker 1: some people because of the line of work that we're in.
Speaker 1: But it's just see, I feel like it's affected our
Speaker 1: line of work drastically. No, it has drastically. I'm talking
Speaker 1: about we don't have to go in office every day
Speaker 1: like we didn't. We didn't have like an everyday show
Speaker 1: up somewhere and work or every day have to go somewhere.
Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying. Yeah, drastically has financially for us,
Speaker 1: you know, and all the traveling that we're supposed to
Speaker 1: be doing and promoting in different shows and all of that.
Speaker 1: But I'm talking about the day to day. M hmm. Yeah,
Speaker 1: day to day for sure hasn't changed at all for sure.
Speaker 1: So it's just it's still it's I'm just kind of
Speaker 1: I'm gonna bowl of right now because I'm just tired
Speaker 1: of all this, as most people are. Yeah, I hear
Speaker 1: you on that. I definitely hear you. I wish we
Speaker 1: could go on a vacation. I wish we could go
Speaker 1: to the beach. And it's I booked a film, but
Speaker 1: I'm even terrified to even discuss it, to name it,
Speaker 1: to say anything, because I feel like things don't happen,
Speaker 1: Things don't like pan out the way you want to.
Speaker 1: You know, it's not you know, it's almost like when
Speaker 1: I got the offer, I was like, oh, this won't
Speaker 1: happen because the last movie we got ripped from two
Speaker 1: days in or one day in because of the you know,
Speaker 1: the start of the pandemic. So it's like, wait, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: good things don't happen in Fortunately, this one shoots in Nashville.
Speaker 1: It does, which they kind of forgot to mention, like
Speaker 1: an hour north of Nashville. So it's like an hour.
Speaker 1: I'm like, but I mean either way, I'm like my
Speaker 1: my agents like sent me the offer and I was
Speaker 1: like yes, and they're like, you have to read the
Speaker 1: script and I was like, yes, like you have to actually,
Speaker 1: like I'm taking it. I don't care, like and then
Speaker 1: I sent like an emoji of like a girl strip dancing,
Speaker 1: like like it's a part, but no, I was gonna say,
Speaker 1: Jana is trying to lobby to get me into play
Speaker 1: a minor part. You'd be so good in the film.
Speaker 1: And what the best thing about it? I think we
Speaker 1: all need a lobby for this because the character I
Speaker 1: would play very minimal speaking lines, very like only three scenes,
Speaker 1: but one of the scenes it was like like ten scenes.
Speaker 1: There's a lot more, you said. But the best part
Speaker 1: is I'm the one that comes in and like breaks
Speaker 1: up the kiss when Janna is about to kiss for
Speaker 1: love interest? So how good would that be for all
Speaker 1: of you that know us? If I'm the one that's
Speaker 1: portraying this person that this you know coincidentally breaks up
Speaker 1: the almost kiss, it would be so good and I
Speaker 1: think you'd do amazing at it. The only issue that
Speaker 1: I see is my love interest. You guys hit like,
Speaker 1: you know, he's he's attractive, but you're attractive and and
Speaker 1: so and so. They don't do that in casting. So
Speaker 1: but again what I said was we almost look enough
Speaker 1: alike where it could be, actually, you guys do actually
Speaker 1: look like so it could be like, okay, they could
Speaker 1: be friends. They kind of look alike. They should just
Speaker 1: make us brothers. Oh my god, that actually would be
Speaker 1: kind of cool because you kind of do look alike,
Speaker 1: like you have the same like structure and face and
Speaker 1: dark features. They should make us brothers because that way
Speaker 1: it wouldn't be as weird, like the chemistry between us is,
Speaker 1: or maybe would be even more scan maybe two scanned
Speaker 1: this for a lifetime. Yeah, oh you can say what
Speaker 1: it is. No, it's okay, No, it's fine. I mean,
Speaker 1: I just I am just so afraid it's not going
Speaker 1: to happen. And I'm like, if I get two movies,
Speaker 1: I mean again like Champagne problems, I know, but I've
Speaker 1: never booked two movies in a year, like years, so
Speaker 1: like I'm like, man, this could have been. I don't know.
Speaker 1: It's just it just sucks because I've sure a lot
Speaker 1: of people out there of you know, either with the
Speaker 1: job promotion or this or that, or you know, things
Speaker 1: that they have we're looking forward to doing, and then
Speaker 1: when it doesn't pan out, like a wedding or something,
Speaker 1: you get bummed. And I felt guilty about being bummed
Speaker 1: about not filming the last one, um, and then to
Speaker 1: be like, wow, I got another off like that. That's
Speaker 1: just like that doesn't happen. And then I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: it's not gonna happen. You're right, which is so unfortunate.
Speaker 1: But I'm very proud of you, and you know, we
Speaker 1: try to take the silver lining with all of this,
Speaker 1: and at least you're being thought of and hopefully have
Speaker 1: the opportunity and it can build momentum going into into
Speaker 1: next year. But let's uh, we have some great emails
Speaker 1: that we're gonna get today, so let's take a break
Speaker 1: and dive into those. Okay, all right, this is our
Speaker 1: first email from anonymous. I've been with my boyfriend for
Speaker 1: a little over three and a half years. Hopefully the
Speaker 1: rain coming soon. We have been living together for the
Speaker 1: past seven months, and I would love to hear your
Speaker 1: advice on tackling a nighttime routine issue I am dealing
Speaker 1: with my boyfriend prefers staying up late, either watching TV
Speaker 1: or playing video games, even on work days. But I'm
Speaker 1: more of an early bird so I so I'm usually
Speaker 1: in bed before him. I have voiced to him that
Speaker 1: I really dislike going to bed alone every night, and
Speaker 1: that I wish he would at least come to bed
Speaker 1: to watch TV. He has agreed to come to bed
Speaker 1: when I do, one night a week. I'm not sure
Speaker 1: why this bothers me so much. I'm glad we have
Speaker 1: at least one day a week, but it still annoys me.
Speaker 1: Am I in the wrong here? Or is there some
Speaker 1: validity to my feelings? How else could I communicate my
Speaker 1: needs to him? Just really nice, really almost like two
Speaker 1: NICs where it's like, no, like you deserve more than that. Yeah, right.
Speaker 1: This is almost like the reversal of our situation, where
Speaker 1: it's like I get like one or two nights to
Speaker 1: myself a week, but we've always historically gone to bed
Speaker 1: at the same time at least together, and to her point, like,
Speaker 1: even if I usually stay up a little later, but
Speaker 1: I'm still in bed next to you. Yeah, I know
Speaker 1: for sure, And it's like I almost feel like only
Speaker 1: one time might not be enough in a week, it feels.
Speaker 1: But I mean again, how can we say how what
Speaker 1: works for some people works from together but to me disconnection,
Speaker 1: Well it's not working for her. So it's like that disconnection.
Speaker 1: It almost feels like you would need more. I would
Speaker 1: think in a week you would need more time to
Speaker 1: connect than just one night. But right especially both people
Speaker 1: are working. And what I would say is because they've
Speaker 1: only been living together for seven months, right, what I
Speaker 1: anticipate what happened was they went into this after dating
Speaker 1: for you know, three years, Okay, let's move in together.
Speaker 1: No expectations were discussed around their needs and time together.
Speaker 1: So he just hasn't changed anything about his schedule or
Speaker 1: what he does because when he was living on his own,
Speaker 1: this is what he was doing. So now he's not
Speaker 1: respecting the fact, not maybe maybe not purposely disrespecting that
Speaker 1: she's living there, but just not respecting the fact that
Speaker 1: someone else is living there, and that someone else's time
Speaker 1: also matters, and that you should spend that time together.
Speaker 1: He sounds young. Could put in age. They're definitely probably young.
Speaker 1: There's no way a forty year old is or even
Speaker 1: I think thirty. I don't know. I mean I wouldn't
Speaker 1: think that, but I mean, who knows. But again, like
Speaker 1: this is what works for us as opposed to what
Speaker 1: might work for you, guys. But I would think that
Speaker 1: I would think you would need at least four nights
Speaker 1: of the week together, more nights together than Yeah. Having
Speaker 1: said that, they'll look at our friend, you know, look
Speaker 1: at our friends. Are are good friends, Like they don't
Speaker 1: see each other for four months at a time, and
Speaker 1: that's what worked for them. I mean, gosh, then think
Speaker 1: about like army wives and army husbands. They never see
Speaker 1: their people, but that's not by choice. Well, some probably are.
Speaker 1: I mean they choose right to go into the army
Speaker 1: and and stay. Like our neighbor, you know, yeah, but yeah,
Speaker 1: I think I mean to answer her questions, I don't
Speaker 1: think she's wrong at all, and having those feelings, there's
Speaker 1: definitely some validity. I would just have sit down conversation
Speaker 1: and just and come from a place off you're not
Speaker 1: trying to tell, right, because guys, we don't like to
Speaker 1: be parented or controlled, So just have to sit down conversation,
Speaker 1: be like, look, I want you to have your time.
Speaker 1: I know that's important to you. I know you like
Speaker 1: staying up watch TV, you're playing video games, but I
Speaker 1: also need some more time with you. How can we
Speaker 1: come up with a compromise that's more than one night
Speaker 1: a week, because that's not a compromise. That's not a compromise,
Speaker 1: and it's not of filling my needs because and my
Speaker 1: needs are important as yours are too, So is there
Speaker 1: a way that we can work together to fulfill both
Speaker 1: our needs? Boom um. I got this on the wind
Speaker 1: Down Podcast Instagram. Hey Janna, I know you have a
Speaker 1: ton of d MS flooding and every day. I just
Speaker 1: wanted to reach out because I found out yesterday that
Speaker 1: my husband of almost three years cheated on me with
Speaker 1: a girl from work. I'm so confused on what to do.
Speaker 1: I decided to stay with him right away and work
Speaker 1: through this, partially because of you guys in your podcast.
Speaker 1: That's awesome. Um. I'm just confused and I don't know
Speaker 1: how to move forward. I want to just forget. I
Speaker 1: want to just forget about it and think it never
Speaker 1: happened and move on. I want to wake up like
Speaker 1: it was a bad dream. He says he doesn't even
Speaker 1: know why he did this. He doesn't have a reason,
Speaker 1: and he is the last person I would have ever
Speaker 1: thought would have done this to me. We are researching
Speaker 1: therapists in our area, and he's willing to do whatever
Speaker 1: it takes. What do you suggest I personally do for
Speaker 1: myself to move forward? Um, First of all, thanks for responding.
Speaker 1: I love that through listening to our podcast you can
Speaker 1: find hope in a situation where it's not. Um, it's
Speaker 1: not easy, but I would say that you know, in
Speaker 1: your situation, the fact that he's willing to go to
Speaker 1: a therapist is huge. And do the work, because there's
Speaker 1: a lot of guys that you've connected with, Mike, and
Speaker 1: they're like, I just I don't want to do it right,
Speaker 1: it's just too much work. Yeah, it's that. The fact
Speaker 1: that it seems like from the tone of your message
Speaker 1: is that he is He isn't being defensive or trying
Speaker 1: to blame it on her or turn it around or anything.
Speaker 1: I think it seems like he's owning his mistake, and
Speaker 1: the first part of that is his willingness to go
Speaker 1: to therapy. So good on you for for trying and
Speaker 1: not just running, not saying that you know leaving right
Speaker 1: away is it would be a bad thing, but you know,
Speaker 1: obviously with our story we promote to try to find
Speaker 1: it out and also like what you can do today,
Speaker 1: it's staying in today. And I think that's like the
Speaker 1: hugest thing that has worked for for me personally, because unfortunately,
Speaker 1: you're never gonna wake up and be like, oh, it
Speaker 1: was just a bad dream. It's your reality now. And
Speaker 1: the only way that you can stay present and work
Speaker 1: on the relationship is if you stay in today and
Speaker 1: see what he's doing today and put like really great
Speaker 1: boundaries in place too. And we talk actually about all
Speaker 1: of this UM in our new book, The Good Fight,
Speaker 1: which we actually just did the audible version of UM.
Speaker 1: But if you go to Jan and Mike dot com
Speaker 1: you can pre order. The book comes out in September.
Speaker 1: But there's a lot of great tips in there too,
Speaker 1: so a lot of stuff that will help you in
Speaker 1: this exact situation. Yeah, so hold out, you got this,
Speaker 1: Go to therapy and just remember stay present day today,
Speaker 1: see what he's doing today, and focus on those actions
Speaker 1: rather than the past ones. UM from Leon Parker. Hello,
Speaker 1: I'm in search of someone I can spoil weekly, sugar baby,
Speaker 1: so I can take care of you and pay your
Speaker 1: bills every week. I'll give you twenty. I'll give two
Speaker 1: every week. Will you accept my offer? So if anyone
Speaker 1: is wanting them Leon twenty, No, No, there was a
Speaker 1: few that came in just the past week. What like,
Speaker 1: does someone actually like, I know, like you can be
Speaker 1: There have been times when I have I was in
Speaker 1: the red red Red, Red red, and I was stealing
Speaker 1: toilet paper from my like my job, and lights were
Speaker 1: turning off, I mean the apartment that my mom and
Speaker 1: I stayed in. The lights shut off because we couldn't
Speaker 1: pay our bills. And I almost thought about this is like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I can't blame sharing this. I almost
Speaker 1: thought about my friend which I will not name her name.
Speaker 1: She went to a foot fetish place and she like
Speaker 1: had guys massage her feet and she's like, you can
Speaker 1: make this much money. And I thought about it for
Speaker 1: like a second and a half. No, but I was
Speaker 1: like I needed the money. So like when I think,
Speaker 1: when I look back on this, and I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: if someone really needs the money, Leon dash Parker twenty
Speaker 1: will give you two hundred bugs that it's just it's
Speaker 1: creep then what's what's creepy about it? Is you can't
Speaker 1: judge because certain things that we've all done in our
Speaker 1: life is it's questionable for sure, but I mean the
Speaker 1: balls on these guys just to be like reach out
Speaker 1: anonymously to these to all these women. He probably sent
Speaker 1: that to how many people? Hey, here's a good one.
Speaker 1: I got to on the Wine Down podcast. I'm so
Speaker 1: grateful to you for putting your life, marriage and struggles
Speaker 1: out there for people to hear. It takes a lot
Speaker 1: of courage, but you truly help people. I'm currently struggling
Speaker 1: with my husband's infidelities, who is claiming it's due to
Speaker 1: sex addiction. We have two young kids, and I'm really
Speaker 1: struggling with it. I haven't told many people because I'm
Speaker 1: afraid of their judgment and also my embarrassment. My husband
Speaker 1: and I are currently separated and I'm really not sure
Speaker 1: if I'm willing to work things out. Thank you for
Speaker 1: helping me feel less alone. Thank you for showing me
Speaker 1: that there's life and happiness waiting after this dark hole.
Speaker 1: I'm sure it wasn't easy to share your experiences, but
Speaker 1: thank you. Um. I know she really didn't have any questions.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through, but
Speaker 1: I will say Um, sometimes separation is good, especially when
Speaker 1: you have kids, to not let them be in that volatile,
Speaker 1: weird when things are toxic in that early on stages.
Speaker 1: But I'll just say, if you've got to tug in
Speaker 1: at your heart and he's willing to try, and you're
Speaker 1: willing to try, anything is possible, even though it's really
Speaker 1: freaking hard, really hard, and so it's gonna be a
Speaker 1: long journey. Um, what can you say to speak on
Speaker 1: claiming to be when someone says like they claim to
Speaker 1: be a sex addic, Like, what's something that he could be,
Speaker 1: you know, claiming to be? I mean, that's my only
Speaker 1: fear with him claim claiming to be is he might
Speaker 1: be the example of why society thinks this is a
Speaker 1: married man's excuse. It's like, don't just like he's using
Speaker 1: it as an excuse. I'm not saying that he is.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying the way she made it sound, it
Speaker 1: was like he was using it as an excuse when
Speaker 1: it's not. You know, so it's an explanation maybe on
Speaker 1: some of his behaviors. But he needs to be showing
Speaker 1: her that he believes that he is. But I'll just
Speaker 1: say this and just like Devil's Advocate is like, you
Speaker 1: didn't believe at the time because you when you heard
Speaker 1: it too, you're like, oh, it took me a while too,
Speaker 1: So I think like that's important to to, like, you
Speaker 1: know that for people to know as well, Like you're
Speaker 1: not just going to automatically like come up to that
Speaker 1: conclusion on your own, Like you're like, I think I
Speaker 1: might be. I don't know, like even when, So, then
Speaker 1: what differentiates it between thinking and knowing? Yeah, acceptance, it's
Speaker 1: really doing the work and realizing realizing that there's a
Speaker 1: pattern there, that there's a trend, that it's not just
Speaker 1: something recent, that there are reasons and explanations for your
Speaker 1: behaviors throughout your life in that realm, and so it's yeah,
Speaker 1: even so, it took it took a while for me
Speaker 1: to to reach the level of acceptance where I can
Speaker 1: look myself in the mirror and say, I'm a sex addict.
Speaker 1: That's part of who I am. I guess why didn't
Speaker 1: you believe it then in the beginning when our therapist said,
Speaker 1: you know, because you don't really know what that means,
Speaker 1: and that seems so right. A part of it, the
Speaker 1: step one is admitting that your powerless in your life
Speaker 1: has become unmanageable, well for a man, for anyone, but
Speaker 1: especially for men historically, right, we're want to be these,
Speaker 1: you know, strong prideful individuals that aren't weak to admit
Speaker 1: that something has power over us, that we are we
Speaker 1: can't control our lives, you know what I mean. So
Speaker 1: it's it's it's I make up that it's a very
Speaker 1: difficult concept. At least it was for me because I
Speaker 1: just feel I've always been in control in so many
Speaker 1: areas of my life and mentally and physically strong and
Speaker 1: tough that to have something just take out my knees,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, and just completely shatter my life.
Speaker 1: It's hard to admit that we're that weak in that moment,
Speaker 1: and there's so much shame involved with it. You just
Speaker 1: want to be in denial, like I don't have a problem.
Speaker 1: I don't have a problem. I can fix this. I
Speaker 1: mean not to make this a sex addiction episode, but
Speaker 1: I think it's for people that are listening. What if
Speaker 1: so like for her husband, for example, what would be
Speaker 1: the first step essentially? I know you said to say
Speaker 1: admit that you are, but to to like go because
Speaker 1: because maybe can someone just cheat and not be a
Speaker 1: sex addicts. People can still just make mistakes, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. It's it's all about the pattern. It's
Speaker 1: all about the which I guess before he said that
Speaker 1: the pattern, so he just cheated one time. He be like, well,
Speaker 1: it's because I'm a sex sex addiction, which then is
Speaker 1: the excuse. But it's not the excuse. That's just you
Speaker 1: up and you were or excuse me, you were bad
Speaker 1: and you you know, and you did it. But that's
Speaker 1: you're just not unhealthy. You're not healthy, but doesn't mean
Speaker 1: you're a sex addict. No, not at all. Like the
Speaker 1: early on when I was going through all this, I
Speaker 1: remember my therapist and l A asked me. He was
Speaker 1: like all right, because I was having a hard time
Speaker 1: still like wrapping my head around every certain you know.
Speaker 1: I still had days where I was like I don't
Speaker 1: I don't know if I want to accept this, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. And he was like, okay, let
Speaker 1: me put to you this way. Do you want to
Speaker 1: go grab a beer right now? I hate beer? Oh
Speaker 1: he did see. I'm a great actor. You believe me.
Speaker 1: You got to be the general So your therapist at
Speaker 1: that to you, Yeah, he's like, do you want to
Speaker 1: go have a drink? I'm like, no, dude, Like it's
Speaker 1: like one in the afternoon, Like I'm good. And he's like,
Speaker 1: all right, well, what if I told you do you
Speaker 1: want to go in a room by yourself and watch porn?
Speaker 1: And I was like it took me, uh because I
Speaker 1: wanted to think about it. This is true question. I
Speaker 1: was like, you know, I mean like not seriously, but
Speaker 1: in my head, I'm like can I Not that I
Speaker 1: wanted to, but still it's that's where my urge wanted
Speaker 1: to go. But all for me a drink, I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: why what I want to drink right now? So it's
Speaker 1: that it's that you know, that draw, that powerlessness over
Speaker 1: something that, like, to me alcohol, even though I'm in
Speaker 1: a twelve step program, I know how to say no
Speaker 1: to alcohol. I know how to say no to drugs now,
Speaker 1: I know how to say no to to my vices
Speaker 1: that I had before. And it really kind of was
Speaker 1: one of those moments that even you know, within the
Speaker 1: first year of me being in this program, that I
Speaker 1: was like, holy, like yeah, you know, so I think
Speaker 1: her husband needs to needs to start looking into some
Speaker 1: of that doing some introspective work. Yeah, it's uh, that's
Speaker 1: one of the best ways you've ever put it before. Yeah,
Speaker 1: where I'm like that that makes a lot of sense.
Speaker 1: And because it's been hard to explain it to some
Speaker 1: people who think it's just an excuse for the married's
Speaker 1: be an excuse her. But that makes a lot of
Speaker 1: sense because I think someone who just cheated would be like, no,
Speaker 1: I don't like, I don't care whatever, It's just the
Speaker 1: opportunity was in front of me. But it's not someone
Speaker 1: that's like, yeah, you know, so wow, that was Thank
Speaker 1: you for sharing that and being vulnerable and open to
Speaker 1: share that. Of course, do you have any other emails?
Speaker 1: The only d ms that I have are all like
Speaker 1: and I don't want to have to drag you through that,
Speaker 1: so we can. You can drag me through some of it.
Speaker 1: It's okay, Um, you want to take a break first
Speaker 1: and then we'll come back with someone. Let's do it
Speaker 1: and then make sure to email us um at wind
Speaker 1: Down at heart radio dot com or go on the
Speaker 1: wind Down podcast, Instagram and d m s questions there.
Speaker 1: You've been flooding the emails and Instagram lately, so we
Speaker 1: wanted to do an episode just so based on some
Speaker 1: of these um questions, I hope you guys enjoy it.
Speaker 1: We'll be back with some more. All right, here's a
Speaker 1: different email that we haven't really gotten much of. This
Speaker 1: is from Michelle. She's a thirty year old female looking
Speaker 1: for something long term and recently met a forty three
Speaker 1: year old divorced man with two kids. They've been dating.
Speaker 1: She's thirty three, divorced with two kids. They've been dating
Speaker 1: for a little over three months and seeing each other
Speaker 1: around once a week on average. When they first met,
Speaker 1: she asked him what he was looking for. This is
Speaker 1: what he typed, word for word to her. Everything starts
Speaker 1: casual for me. I mean I have two kids I
Speaker 1: need to consider and do not want them meeting just anyone.
Speaker 1: Having said that, if I like someone and they want
Speaker 1: a relationship, I'm not going to break it off because
Speaker 1: I don't want one. She's asked him if she's if
Speaker 1: he's ever wanted to get married again. He said probably not.
Speaker 1: It takes someone really special. She doesn't know if she
Speaker 1: can have kids because of endometrius endometrius. Uh. Fast forward
Speaker 1: to yesterday, when she wrote this, He invited me over
Speaker 1: for a pool party with his family kids are not there,
Speaker 1: and I met his mom's siblings, their kids, and close friends.
Speaker 1: My question is when do you think it's appropriate to
Speaker 1: have the relationship slash exclusivity conversation and when do you
Speaker 1: think it's appropriate to meet someone's kids, which I think,
Speaker 1: again little over three months now. The kid thing is
Speaker 1: solely based on whatever the mom and dad have discussed
Speaker 1: for sure, So if it's six months a year, I know,
Speaker 1: like I think my brother and his ex wife did
Speaker 1: six months. Yeah, I don't think she's close to no,
Speaker 1: I think three, But yeah, I think she's In my opinion,
Speaker 1: you know mine too, I wouldn't want if if we
Speaker 1: were to get divorced, which we're not, but if we were, um,
Speaker 1: I would I would at least put six months on it,
Speaker 1: because you just don't want your kids being around so
Speaker 1: many different people, I would think. But I mean again,
Speaker 1: everyone has a different method to it. But I would
Speaker 1: at least wait a good, healthy about just because it's
Speaker 1: for the kids. But I also get if I was
Speaker 1: in her shoes, I would be like, when can I
Speaker 1: meet them? And then I also because out how I
Speaker 1: know I am, And he's like when he says that,
Speaker 1: like I'm waiting for someone special, and I'm like, it's me,
Speaker 1: it's me, it's me. I'm gonna do everything I can
Speaker 1: to be that special one and like fight really hard
Speaker 1: for it. Whether I did, I don't even know if
Speaker 1: I wanted it anyways, But that's how my personality be.
Speaker 1: Like with those little things he throws out there, like well,
Speaker 1: if I meet the right one, and it's like, oh, hi,
Speaker 1: like choose me, pick me, because this is a competition,
Speaker 1: like I'm gonna win, right. Well, that's where kind of
Speaker 1: with the stuff that he's saying, I don't feel very
Speaker 1: optimistic for this relationship because he's saying, no, I'm just
Speaker 1: being honest. I'm just saying as a guy, if he's
Speaker 1: just saying, yeah, if I meet someone special, well, you've
Speaker 1: been quote unquote seeing her for a little over three months.
Speaker 1: He would know if you're someone special. Do you think
Speaker 1: a guy knows by three months, you know something's there.
Speaker 1: It's not like all of a sudden a month for
Speaker 1: the woman's going to do something. He's like, oh, she's special.
Speaker 1: It's a gradual thing. Right, So after three months have
Speaker 1: seen each other. I'm granted she only said that it's
Speaker 1: on average like once a week, so it's not that often.
Speaker 1: I just don't think he's taking it very serious. Do
Speaker 1: you blame him? No, No, I don't. That's the thing.
Speaker 1: I don't fault him. Yeah, I'm just I'm just thinking
Speaker 1: about it because you're right, Like any guy that would
Speaker 1: say that, it would make me question, like, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: I guess I'm not the special one, right and I
Speaker 1: make up in the woman's shoes, would be like, wait,
Speaker 1: I haven't met him yet. That you probably want to
Speaker 1: rush to meet him because you want to. You know,
Speaker 1: anyone with kids, they only introduced them to someone special,
Speaker 1: most likely in a healthy relationship. So it's like if
Speaker 1: you haven't met the kids. Shoot, even as a guy,
Speaker 1: say hypothetically, if we got divorced, We're not going to
Speaker 1: get divorced, but if we did, right, and I was
Speaker 1: seeing someone or dating someone and they had kids, and
Speaker 1: if I hadn't seen them like after a certain amount
Speaker 1: of time, right, damn, you don't see this going anywhere,
Speaker 1: because I would want to be I'm like you, I
Speaker 1: never called me, I'll talk to her. I would be
Speaker 1: the one to want to feel special enough to see
Speaker 1: the kids, right. Yeah, it's just man, I think back
Speaker 1: on one of our friends who's let his daughter see
Speaker 1: lots of different girls around, and it's I can see
Speaker 1: how that might have hurt her in her childhood. But
Speaker 1: it's just tricky. It's so trick. I don't know, because
Speaker 1: in my mind, I'm I would just be like here,
Speaker 1: like hi, because I want someone to I want to
Speaker 1: see how they fit into my life. I would want
Speaker 1: to see that. And I have a hard time going slow.
Speaker 1: So you would introduced the kids to okay quick. I
Speaker 1: could see myself doing that. Iver get that written down
Speaker 1: in the papers. I could see that just because I
Speaker 1: you know how fast I move, Like I'm gonna I
Speaker 1: love you within ten days or we're done. That's very true.
Speaker 1: Whatever we did a podcast, like if we actually got
Speaker 1: divorced and we podcasted through the whole thing, I mean
Speaker 1: we it would be the biggest train wreck ever and
Speaker 1: people would love it. Maybe, I don't know, do it
Speaker 1: for the brand. I'm just kidding. Do you have any
Speaker 1: more emails? Yeah? We have a few more um from Anonymous.
Speaker 1: I've been with my man for seven years. He's twenty
Speaker 1: nine and I we lived together and have plans to
Speaker 1: get married. We have had our ups and downs, But
Speaker 1: the number one issue is how to handle. Is how
Speaker 1: to handle when he gets mad at me for not
Speaker 1: losing weight fast enough. It's hard because it makes me
Speaker 1: feel like I'm not good enough. He's the peloton guy
Speaker 1: he has. He has threatened to leave me because of
Speaker 1: my weight and for looking through his phone. He did
Speaker 1: say he regretted, saying that after I'm not of her weight,
Speaker 1: but I am emotionally, but I have emotionally put on
Speaker 1: weight from this. He loves me, but his temper gets
Speaker 1: the best of him. Am I a fool for staining?
Speaker 1: Or should we try to make this work? I feel
Speaker 1: like those questions are both about staying. We're the last two.
Speaker 1: He loves me, but his temper gets the best of him.
Speaker 1: And then am I a fool? My fool for staining?
Speaker 1: Or should we try to make this work? Am I
Speaker 1: fool for staying? And I am? I say, yes, you're
Speaker 1: a fool, or you should try to make this work? Okay,
Speaker 1: see my mind, I'm like, she's still just sees staying well.
Speaker 1: I think she Oh, of course, I think she does.
Speaker 1: And when she said, you know, he had to come
Speaker 1: about the weight, and he said he regretted it after
Speaker 1: that's awful, because that's and I just want you to
Speaker 1: hear this well sorts her name Anonymous, Anonymous. His comment
Speaker 1: to you about your weight has nothing to do about
Speaker 1: you and your weight. It has everything to do with
Speaker 1: him and whatever he is going through. He is trying
Speaker 1: to hurt you, and he will find the one thing
Speaker 1: that knows will hurt you, and that's what he's doing.
Speaker 1: It has nothing to do about your weight. I really
Speaker 1: want you to hear that. And we're not just saying
Speaker 1: that because let me open up my mind to you, Anonymous.
Speaker 1: It's when Janna and I get into an argument, and
Speaker 1: as a guy, right I can't. I'm still trying to
Speaker 1: emotionally mature myself on how to handle conflict. I've had
Speaker 1: a lot of moments, especially in the past, where when
Speaker 1: I would get angry about something, I would get mean
Speaker 1: and I would say the things that I know would
Speaker 1: hurt Jane the most because I would feel hurt or
Speaker 1: shame or guilt for whatever she had said, or for
Speaker 1: my past actions, or for whatever it is. So I
Speaker 1: would want to hurt back. And even if she didn't
Speaker 1: say anything to provoke that or started any conflict, and
Speaker 1: she was just saying something that triggered me, I would
Speaker 1: still be mean and try to cut her down because
Speaker 1: maybe it was before all this discovery of what I
Speaker 1: was doing, and I had all that shame and guilt
Speaker 1: of acting out and having affairs. So I was angry.
Speaker 1: I was mean, I was resentful towards her for reasons
Speaker 1: that she had no idea why. So my fear is
Speaker 1: that there's definitely something going on with this guy. I
Speaker 1: don't know what it is. I'm not saying it's infidelity.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying it's one thing or the other. I'm
Speaker 1: just saying, like Jane's said, he definitely has something internal
Speaker 1: going on with him because he is taking that ship
Speaker 1: out on you to try to make himself feel better,
Speaker 1: to cut you down to his level. So, as Janna said,
Speaker 1: I will mirror that his comments about your weight has
Speaker 1: zero to do with you, no matter if you were
Speaker 1: fifty pounds or two pounds, has zero to do with you.
Speaker 1: I'm asking this because if it was, because obviously he's
Speaker 1: saying it all in the wrong ways. Hypothetically, if I
Speaker 1: gained fifty pounds because I, you know, stopped working out
Speaker 1: and I started to get really stressed about fears and
Speaker 1: anxieties and triggers, and I turned to emotionally eating um
Speaker 1: and I gained fifty pounds. Are you saying that you
Speaker 1: wouldn't say anything to me about my weight? No, what
Speaker 1: would you say? I would address it in a way.
Speaker 1: Obviously I have to be really sensitive around it, but
Speaker 1: be like, honey, I've noticed that you know you're eating
Speaker 1: habits have changed and you aren't exercising like you used to,
Speaker 1: because I know you used to love to run, run
Speaker 1: and walk and work out like every other day. Are No.
Speaker 1: I just want you to be healthy and just know
Speaker 1: that whatever it is that you're dealing with, I'm here
Speaker 1: for you. Do you want Is there anything you want
Speaker 1: to talk about? So it wouldn't even be about for me.
Speaker 1: It wouldn't be about the weight. It wouldn't be about Okay,
Speaker 1: let I'll start working out with you or anything like that.
Speaker 1: It would be about figuring out why you're eating, why
Speaker 1: your weight is fluctuating. Then you can, once you get
Speaker 1: to the root of it, what going on, then you
Speaker 1: can be like, hey, I'll work out with you. Hey
Speaker 1: like to get it off. And there's where I was
Speaker 1: going to say, And that's the difference but I'm gonna
Speaker 1: caveat it put Is that the right word? But it right? Okay,
Speaker 1: which brings me to my point. I am insecure about
Speaker 1: sometimes how I talk and I say the wrong things,
Speaker 1: like is caveat? And because I'm just relating to the situation,
Speaker 1: she's saying, like he's mean, and let's throws out the
Speaker 1: mean Let's say we had that conversation about my weight
Speaker 1: and I'm over fifty pounds or a hundred whatever. But
Speaker 1: because it can be in y'all's blood sometimes to be
Speaker 1: mean about things that you know would hurt us if
Speaker 1: we got into a conversation, just like with me being
Speaker 1: insecure about my words sometimes and we got into a
Speaker 1: really big fight and you said I can't even put
Speaker 1: my words together like a toddler or whatever he said,
Speaker 1: And but you knew that was gonna hurt me. So
Speaker 1: in that moment, could you also see doing that too
Speaker 1: about the way like and call me porky or something
Speaker 1: or or you know what I mean? What difference is
Speaker 1: that to know that it's still the same, it's still
Speaker 1: hurting someone because of an insecurity they have. I see
Speaker 1: what you're saying, and it's a very good question. I
Speaker 1: think it's different if it's something that's always been an issue,
Speaker 1: Like what if it's something new, I would know something's
Speaker 1: going on, Like if you started gaining all this weight,
Speaker 1: I would know there's something going on. But either way,
Speaker 1: what if it what if I've always just had a
Speaker 1: little extra maybe like she's not she said she's like
Speaker 1: enough fat, but I've you know, I'm curvier, and that
Speaker 1: is my insecurity. I'm just curious what the what the
Speaker 1: difference is when being mean, and maybe that's something that
Speaker 1: when someone is mean, they can be like no matter
Speaker 1: if it's about weight or how they talk, or how
Speaker 1: they look or what they dress or how they sound,
Speaker 1: that either way it's going to hurt. Yeah, no matter where.
Speaker 1: I think your question is fantastic, honey, thanks, Like I
Speaker 1: feel like I never get This is kind of an
Speaker 1: inside joke between Mike and I whenever we podcast and
Speaker 1: the guests always say good question to Mike, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: damn it, Like I'm just because I'm just not the
Speaker 1: great question ask her ince andtimes I don't know how
Speaker 1: to connect words and like, no, wonder why jolly is
Speaker 1: a speech impediment. But I'm just saying, like, you know,
Speaker 1: and you have thrown met in mean ways at times,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, that's you know, so I just I
Speaker 1: just started thinking about that when we were talking about
Speaker 1: I'm like, what makes what's the difference it's hurt to hurt.
Speaker 1: I think where there isn't a difference is the fact
Speaker 1: that it ultimately comes from the person that's saying the
Speaker 1: mean thing, whether it the male or the theme only
Speaker 1: whoever or the part whatever partners saying the mean thing,
Speaker 1: it has nothing to do with the other person. It
Speaker 1: only has something to do with the person that said it. Sure,
Speaker 1: that's that's the common denominator. So no matter what the
Speaker 1: topic is, he's obviously got something going on internal that
Speaker 1: he's trying to Either he feels bad about how he looks,
Speaker 1: or there's something going on, or maybe he's got some depression.
Speaker 1: I don't know, there's something going on with him emotionally
Speaker 1: that he needs to figure out. To lead to the
Speaker 1: temper question that she asked, like what does one do?
Speaker 1: Because I'll say, for me, like I have in this
Speaker 1: relationship been super rightful and like never fought back one
Speaker 1: day in my life, but in this relationship, like I
Speaker 1: fight back and something where that like I had to
Speaker 1: do a lot of work with not fighting back and
Speaker 1: learning to like go in the closet and shut the
Speaker 1: door and like breathe. But for a man, like what
Speaker 1: does a man do with one's temper? Like it's and
Speaker 1: what can the wife do with one man's temper? It's
Speaker 1: It's taken me, I mean, you know, it's taking me
Speaker 1: a significant amount of time to finally more consistently walk away.
Speaker 1: And even so, there's been things that have come up
Speaker 1: that I'll maybe want to make a snarky remark about
Speaker 1: or or something, and just I'll be frustrated and I'll
Speaker 1: want to pick a fight, and I'll just like I
Speaker 1: just won't and I'll just walk away. I won't say anything.
Speaker 1: And then like five ten minutes later, I'm like, I
Speaker 1: can't believe I was about to start some shot over that. Really, Yeah,
Speaker 1: like what anything recently? Probably? Yeah, I tell you, But
Speaker 1: that's the thing. It doesn't even matter, because it's something
Speaker 1: stupid that just I received away, or that I just
Speaker 1: wanted to bring up, just to bring up because of
Speaker 1: a feeling I was feeling in a moment, And then
Speaker 1: ten minutes later, I'm just like that was so dumb,
Speaker 1: so then would your would your advice then to be
Speaker 1: before you go down the rabbit hole, walk away for
Speaker 1: five because because the thing is at least for me
Speaker 1: right even if I was starting to feel a feeling,
Speaker 1: because the healthy thing would also be, Hey, I'm feeling this,
Speaker 1: you know, can you can you elaborate? You know? Is
Speaker 1: there any truth to my feeling? Is there any validity
Speaker 1: to why I'm feeling this way based on what you
Speaker 1: said or did. My thing is that I have a
Speaker 1: hard time doing that from a great place too soon.
Speaker 1: And so I'll set expectations and then if you if
Speaker 1: what you respond, if how you respond doesn't meet my expectations,
Speaker 1: I'll blow up even more So I I personally need
Speaker 1: to definitely walk away and let it dissipate. Um. And then,
Speaker 1: I mean, I can't speak for the wives you gotta.
Speaker 1: I mean, what I've learned though, is that when I
Speaker 1: don't go into your anger and your mood of I'm
Speaker 1: a great I'm a great place to talk and I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: you're not, which almost because i know I'm like this
Speaker 1: is you're not in a good place, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm going to leave, but I know, I'm like, I
Speaker 1: know her teacher voice. Okay, Michael, I'm like, yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: in a great place to talk. Let's talk about it.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, Michael, you're not in a good place
Speaker 1: right now. I'm going to do with the therapist to do.
Speaker 1: But then you always have to come back with your
Speaker 1: tail between your legs because you're like a crap. Think
Speaker 1: about it. For the guys out there or relationships that
Speaker 1: have this issue. I heard this one of my meetings
Speaker 1: one time, and it's always stuck with me. And the
Speaker 1: guy was like, you know, I'm just tired of always
Speaker 1: saying I'm sorry, and I've and when he shared it,
Speaker 1: he just you just feel the weight just like cut
Speaker 1: in the room just drip off of him because he's
Speaker 1: just like exhausted from saying sorry so much. And I
Speaker 1: try to remind myself of that. I'm like, don't do
Speaker 1: anything that will cause me to have to say I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: because I'm just tired of saying I'm sorry. I'm so
Speaker 1: tired of it. But yeah, so all in all, Anonymous,
Speaker 1: I do think you're full for staining a fool. First,
Speaker 1: she said, she said, am I full for stain so sorry?
Speaker 1: More politely, I don't I think you should. I think
Speaker 1: you should reconsider staying in this relationship. I think I'm like,
Speaker 1: I think that he is not using his words right.
Speaker 1: Having said that, if we were to put our love
Speaker 1: story on paper and write down some of the things
Speaker 1: that you said to me and not include any of
Speaker 1: the good, what do you think that person would say
Speaker 1: to me? So I'm just saying, I'm just saying she
Speaker 1: didn't write the good and that you can be mean,
Speaker 1: I can be mean, we can have really crappy fights.
Speaker 1: What he said is absolutely not I'm not at all
Speaker 1: condoning any of that. It's wrong and it's about him.
Speaker 1: But until he chooses, she can say I can't be initialation,
Speaker 1: And basically it's what I almost said to you. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I can't keep doing this if you're going to be
Speaker 1: this mean, because that's not okay, and like you're doing
Speaker 1: the work on it. So if she can say that
Speaker 1: to him and then live and then stand by that
Speaker 1: and he's still being mean, well then yeah, you're a
Speaker 1: fool for saying I love it. Anyways, thanks to everyone
Speaker 1: who shared their stories, got vulnerable with us, trusted us
Speaker 1: to share their stories and give you any insight, take
Speaker 1: it or leave it again. We always say we're not
Speaker 1: experts and we just have been through hell and back
Speaker 1: like we say in our book too, But um, we
Speaker 1: love you guys, and I'm so excited because we have
Speaker 1: a really, really awesome guest next week, so um mine
Speaker 1: down later, see you next week