WEBVTT - Ep. 26 Sunscreen Lessons 0:00:01.840 --> 0:00:07.760 Wine Down with Janne Kramer. Did I heart radio podcast? Hi, 0:00:08.360 --> 0:00:13.960 we're back. We're back for another wine down Monday. Halloween 0:00:14.040 --> 0:00:17.919 was so much fun. It's my favorite holiday. So like, 0:00:18.239 --> 0:00:22.720 for real, your favorite holiday, it's one of it's in 0:00:22.800 --> 0:00:26.680 the top three and it might be number one. A witch. 0:00:26.760 --> 0:00:28.560 I'm always a witch. It's the one day I can 0:00:28.560 --> 0:00:32.920 be myself. But if it's your favor why don't you 0:00:32.960 --> 0:00:34.680 like spice it up and do something different? Like why 0:00:34.720 --> 0:00:36.479 are you the same thing if it's your favorite holiday? 0:00:36.600 --> 0:00:40.040 Because that's my thing? Okay, Rocco did ask. He said, 0:00:40.080 --> 0:00:43.280 can you please be something different this year? You're always 0:00:43.280 --> 0:00:46.320 a witch and every other parent is something different? And 0:00:46.320 --> 0:00:49.000 I was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. This is my day, Rocker, 0:00:49.720 --> 0:00:51.680 this is who I am. Accepted. This is the one 0:00:51.760 --> 0:00:53.680 day year I get to come out of hocus Pocus 0:00:53.680 --> 0:00:55.840 and be a witch. And be a witch. By the way, 0:00:55.880 --> 0:00:57.840 that movie is so good. We watched it. Do you 0:00:57.880 --> 0:01:01.760 have any nostalgic movies you watch? Practice Magic is my 0:01:02.120 --> 0:01:07.600 very favorite. It's my favorite. You have to watch it 0:01:07.720 --> 0:01:10.840 at night. We need to watch it. You know where 0:01:10.880 --> 0:01:14.880 we are. We are full on Christmas before Thanksgiving? Are 0:01:14.959 --> 0:01:19.320 you a Callmark Channel all like, well every day, all night. 0:01:19.520 --> 0:01:22.480 So what we're doing, yes and no. But what we're 0:01:22.520 --> 0:01:26.880 doing is because the baby is coming fast and furious. Yes, 0:01:27.360 --> 0:01:29.920 I want the entire house set up for for Christmas. 0:01:30.000 --> 0:01:32.800 I love now. So we're we're setting up the house 0:01:32.840 --> 0:01:35.560 this weekend for Christmas. That's incredible. Yeah, it's going to 0:01:35.640 --> 0:01:39.360 be it's gonna be a Thanksgiving Christmas, but it'll probably 0:01:39.360 --> 0:01:41.560 be in the hospital either before Thanksgiving after I don't know. 0:01:41.640 --> 0:01:45.720 We don't know yet. Waits and Thanksgiving is this month, 0:01:46.440 --> 0:01:51.080 well closer than that, it's like two weeks away. That 0:01:51.200 --> 0:01:54.080 just made me really nervous. Are we doing this podcast 0:01:54.080 --> 0:01:55.840 from the hospital? That's what I had to figure out 0:01:55.840 --> 0:02:00.160 because so we have a c section scheduled, but I 0:02:00.200 --> 0:02:02.040 have a feeling it's going to be the week before, 0:02:02.120 --> 0:02:05.880 so it's going to be most likely before Thanksgiving. That's 0:02:05.920 --> 0:02:10.160 so nice though, then you can relax a Thanksgiving. But 0:02:10.200 --> 0:02:12.720 there's a chance that it might not work what he's 0:02:12.760 --> 0:02:15.640 like wanting to do to help me to get into labor, 0:02:16.400 --> 0:02:18.040 so and then if not, then it would be a 0:02:18.080 --> 0:02:20.160 couple of days after Thanksgiving. So I don't know. So 0:02:20.160 --> 0:02:22.160 I'm like, how do we how do we plan the 0:02:22.800 --> 0:02:24.600 how do we plan a live podcast? And we don't 0:02:24.639 --> 0:02:28.799 know if, if and when where what my water is 0:02:28.800 --> 0:02:30.919 gonna break? But we just have to go with flow. 0:02:33.560 --> 0:02:35.679 Turn my voice memo on. Maybe you should have thought 0:02:35.680 --> 0:02:37.200 of all this stuff before you told us weekly we 0:02:37.200 --> 0:02:43.160 were doing a live podcast, Dad, So we are doing that. 0:02:43.440 --> 0:02:48.840 It's happening. What we'll just have to do a voice 0:02:48.880 --> 0:02:52.120 memo in case we can't get there with the setup. 0:02:52.680 --> 0:02:55.720 It'll be we'll do it. Okay, I live right down 0:02:55.760 --> 0:03:00.760 the street from that place. Okay, So we were just 0:03:00.919 --> 0:03:04.520 on Access Live today talking about relationships. Yeah, no one 0:03:04.560 --> 0:03:07.239 told me so I didn't get to watch it. It's okay. 0:03:07.400 --> 0:03:14.960 Oh I'm sorry. I'm just kiddy. Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. 0:03:15.000 --> 0:03:18.520 It was on and we talked about relationships and Michael 0:03:18.560 --> 0:03:21.600 So we had we had Leslie Gustafson on the show, 0:03:22.120 --> 0:03:25.600 Uh what like a two months ago. She's great. Yeah, 0:03:25.919 --> 0:03:28.440 she's awesome, she doesn't intimacy box and we just loved 0:03:28.480 --> 0:03:31.040 her so much and Access was doing this fallback and 0:03:31.120 --> 0:03:37.880 love kind of. Yeah, so we went on the show, 0:03:38.400 --> 0:03:45.440 but Michael he was kind of thrown off for a minute. Okay, well, yeah, 0:03:46.160 --> 0:03:48.280 can you guys give us a recap a little bit 0:03:48.400 --> 0:03:50.560 for people that didn't see it of what you guys 0:03:50.600 --> 0:03:52.840 talked about. Yeah, we just well are The plan was 0:03:53.080 --> 0:03:54.720 the producer was telling us that we're gonna go on. 0:03:55.560 --> 0:03:57.400 It's gonna be really easy for you, you know, for 0:03:57.440 --> 0:03:59.080 you and Jana. You guys are just kinda kind of 0:03:59.120 --> 0:04:01.120 sit there answers from questions. We're going to kind of 0:04:01.120 --> 0:04:03.920 go off Leslie and ask her some topics and then 0:04:04.040 --> 0:04:06.160 go to you guys and how you're doing that. And 0:04:06.200 --> 0:04:12.600 it just turned into Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. So, Mike, 0:04:12.640 --> 0:04:17.479 you cheating on Janna? Tell us about this, oh so Mike, 0:04:17.520 --> 0:04:19.440 this and that, Like how are you guys doing this? 0:04:19.600 --> 0:04:22.599 I was like, okay, let's do it. But he, I 0:04:22.720 --> 0:04:25.919 tell you what, man, he didn't flinch, he didn't stutter. 0:04:26.240 --> 0:04:28.960 He went I was when I got done, I'm so 0:04:29.000 --> 0:04:33.000 proud of you. Than he did so good. He was 0:04:33.080 --> 0:04:36.080 so confident. And yeah, even then, there were some questions 0:04:36.080 --> 0:04:38.240 that they asked about. I mean, you know, you cheat 0:04:38.279 --> 0:04:39.880 on Janna and she was pregnant the least child. How 0:04:39.880 --> 0:04:41.000 did you get through that? And I was just like, 0:04:41.320 --> 0:04:47.760 damn did it make you feelings? But I mean that's 0:04:47.760 --> 0:04:51.000 her job to bring up questions, But did it make 0:04:51.000 --> 0:04:54.680 you feel uncomfortable? It did for It made me uncomfortable 0:04:54.680 --> 0:04:56.960 for him because I don't think he was prepared for 0:04:57.000 --> 0:05:00.280 them too. But I've been in that world before. You know, 0:05:00.360 --> 0:05:02.919 this is you know, we're coming out together, as you know, 0:05:03.120 --> 0:05:05.839 doing our speaking stuff, and this is the kind of 0:05:05.839 --> 0:05:07.960 our one of our first things that we did together. 0:05:08.080 --> 0:05:10.840 So I almost warned him to like, Hey, they're going 0:05:10.880 --> 0:05:13.159 to probably ask things that we said that not to ask, 0:05:13.240 --> 0:05:15.279 but they're gonna They're gonna do it anyways, because that's 0:05:15.279 --> 0:05:17.560 what they do. That's their jobs, which kind of comes 0:05:17.560 --> 0:05:19.839 with the territory, you know. And again, I'm still learning 0:05:19.839 --> 0:05:22.400 this whole entertainment world and these shows and podcast and 0:05:22.440 --> 0:05:24.800 all that stuff. So Jane has kind of coached me 0:05:24.839 --> 0:05:27.279 up enough to prepare for that kind of stuff. So 0:05:27.400 --> 0:05:30.960 I think, like Janna said, she was uncomfortable until I 0:05:31.000 --> 0:05:32.680 reacted the way I did, you know what I mean, 0:05:32.720 --> 0:05:35.440 Like she, I think once she realized I could handle it, 0:05:35.440 --> 0:05:39.400 She's like, okay, she could breathe. God, Okay, he's not 0:05:39.400 --> 0:05:43.360 going to punch anybody right now. But I'm really excited 0:05:43.400 --> 0:05:46.480 because Leslie obviously we just had a segment with her, 0:05:46.480 --> 0:05:48.159 but she's going to be on air with us, so 0:05:48.400 --> 0:05:50.400 let's go bring her in. Yeah, let's do it. And 0:05:50.520 --> 0:05:53.200 I also mentioned that she's a kappa. Just gonna leave 0:05:53.200 --> 0:05:59.640 that there, okay before she comes in though, Um, before 0:05:59.680 --> 0:06:03.560 she comes in, Michael, what's for dinner, babe? Well, we're 0:06:03.560 --> 0:06:05.560 starting to stack up on our hell of Fresh boxes? 0:06:05.600 --> 0:06:07.480 You know that, right? I know I noticed that. Usually 0:06:07.520 --> 0:06:09.080 it's you getting boxes at the door, but this time 0:06:09.080 --> 0:06:12.040 it's me. You know, this hell of freshes because I 0:06:12.080 --> 0:06:13.599 don't want to be running out to the store when 0:06:13.800 --> 0:06:16.400 the baby's here and daddy's got a cook for the family. 0:06:16.440 --> 0:06:18.120 And you mean, like last night when I said, I'm 0:06:18.320 --> 0:06:21.240 I'm craving melons at ten o'clock at night. Yeah, at 0:06:21.240 --> 0:06:24.080 ten o'clock at night, did you he did? Because I 0:06:24.120 --> 0:06:26.400 only have a few more weeks left of him being 0:06:26.440 --> 0:06:28.800 able to do that, and I've never I haven't had 0:06:28.800 --> 0:06:31.719 you do that yet, No, you really haven't. No, So 0:06:31.920 --> 0:06:33.920 that was my one. But I'm gonna keep doing it. 0:06:34.160 --> 0:06:35.800 But I'm really excited about the Hell of Fresh because 0:06:35.839 --> 0:06:37.479 once the baby comes, I mean, we're going to be 0:06:38.480 --> 0:06:41.679 We're gonna be relying on it. Yeah, because it takes 0:06:41.760 --> 0:06:45.320 it takes care of our grocery shopping everything. There's gonna 0:06:45.320 --> 0:06:48.440 be no wasted stuff and no wasting ingredients. It's pre measured, 0:06:48.520 --> 0:06:50.760 it's it's everything's right there for you don't take longer 0:06:50.800 --> 0:06:53.800 than forty minutes. That's between prep time and cooked time. 0:06:54.200 --> 0:06:56.080 It's been great for us. You know, the recipes are 0:06:56.080 --> 0:06:59.440 always fantastic. So yeah, so Hello First has been great 0:06:59.520 --> 0:07:02.599 meal deliver We kit brings everything to your door, the ingredients, 0:07:02.600 --> 0:07:05.320 to plans, everything that you need, the time it takes, 0:07:05.400 --> 0:07:08.480 the preparation and very good detail. Has pictures to go 0:07:08.520 --> 0:07:11.760 along with it. For special learners like myself and Ja. Well, no, 0:07:11.840 --> 0:07:14.440 it doesn't takes thirty minutes to cook. It takes Michael 0:07:14.440 --> 0:07:16.800 thirty minutes to cook. It takes about an hour to 0:07:16.880 --> 0:07:21.160 cook because I'm still like Peel the line, I'm not 0:07:21.280 --> 0:07:27.000 the cook in the world, and like Alexa, what does 0:07:27.320 --> 0:07:31.200 what does this mean? So um for a total of 0:07:31.200 --> 0:07:33.960 sixty dollars off, that's twenty dollars off your first three boxes, 0:07:34.080 --> 0:07:36.840 visit Hello Fresh dot com, slash Cramer sixty and enter 0:07:36.920 --> 0:07:40.800 Cramer sixty again. That's sixty dollars off. That's twenty dollars 0:07:40.880 --> 0:07:43.520 off your first three boxes. Visit Hello Fresh dot com, 0:07:43.560 --> 0:07:49.720 slash Cramer sixty and enter Cramer sixty dinner prepared. Okay, 0:07:49.760 --> 0:07:56.040 I'm so excited. Leslie's in the studio, Leslie. Leslie and 0:07:56.560 --> 0:08:01.240 are in the studio. Her love husband also in the room. 0:08:01.280 --> 0:08:05.160 Oh I love this, um So, Leslie. I was just 0:08:05.280 --> 0:08:07.440 kind of catching them up and letting them know that 0:08:07.520 --> 0:08:10.760 we did Access Live this morning. We did. It was 0:08:10.800 --> 0:08:14.160 so funny. Flew in from Colorado, fluent from Colorado last 0:08:14.280 --> 0:08:16.840 night and got very little sleep because of all the 0:08:16.840 --> 0:08:19.160 excitement of it all. And I got in there and 0:08:19.200 --> 0:08:20.600 we It was kind of short and sweet, wasn't it? 0:08:20.600 --> 0:08:22.760 But it was. You guys are a beautiful job. Well, 0:08:22.920 --> 0:08:25.600 thank you, but it was. It was obviously awesome having 0:08:25.600 --> 0:08:28.520 you there too, and thank you. Um you and Michael 0:08:28.640 --> 0:08:33.800 were talking in the room before. Um Jen, just to 0:08:33.840 --> 0:08:36.720 catch you up. She know she has the intimacy box, right. 0:08:36.760 --> 0:08:39.160 Do you want to explain that really fast? Please? Yes? 0:08:39.440 --> 0:08:42.840 I created this. It's a lifestyle and experience box because 0:08:43.000 --> 0:08:44.840 a lot of couples don't get out as much as 0:08:44.880 --> 0:08:47.880 I think they should. So I'm bringing the date to them. 0:08:48.000 --> 0:08:49.960 But because I'm a sex therapist, I've also thrown in 0:08:49.960 --> 0:08:54.840 a little sexuality as well. Uh so in an uncomfortable way. No, 0:08:55.080 --> 0:08:57.120 I try to keep it really classy and really elegant 0:08:57.120 --> 0:08:58.920 because I know everybody is, you know, on a spectrum 0:08:58.960 --> 0:09:01.440 of where their comfort level. So I'm just easing people in. 0:09:02.400 --> 0:09:05.040 Uh And it has products to enhance the experience, and 0:09:05.360 --> 0:09:08.200 hopefully people will just take that time that they need 0:09:08.280 --> 0:09:11.160 to enhance and enriched their relationship when it's so hard 0:09:11.160 --> 0:09:13.920 in this busy age. So so what's in the first spot. 0:09:14.080 --> 0:09:16.839 The first box has three experiences and there's a fund 0:09:17.000 --> 0:09:19.360 pot in there, and there's a throw and there's a 0:09:19.400 --> 0:09:25.320 specially designed candle, and there's some massage a ya, and 0:09:25.320 --> 0:09:27.880 then I kind of coach them through some exercises to 0:09:27.960 --> 0:09:30.840 kind of enhance their marriage or relationship for couples. Yeah, 0:09:31.120 --> 0:09:34.200 that's incredible. It's exciting. And you know, Leslie and I 0:09:34.240 --> 0:09:39.560 were talking backstage at Access. I stop talking, we have 0:09:39.600 --> 0:09:42.920 a problem talking. We'll be a good but a good thing. 0:09:43.280 --> 0:09:45.160 Great thing that I love about the Intimacy Box at 0:09:45.200 --> 0:09:47.400 Leslie and I were talking about is she has a 0:09:47.440 --> 0:09:50.000 fun spin on it, and for me, who's someone who 0:09:50.040 --> 0:09:53.320 struggles from intimacy. Whenever I feel pressured, that's when my 0:09:53.400 --> 0:09:56.520 anxiety and everything kind of creeps in. When I feel 0:09:56.559 --> 0:09:58.600 like I have to perform or I have to plea 0:09:58.760 --> 0:10:01.440 or whatever it may be, your expectations and all that stuff. 0:10:01.480 --> 0:10:03.520 And that's you know what Leslie was explained to me. 0:10:03.600 --> 0:10:06.720 Her philosophy about just keeping it like, keeping it fun, 0:10:06.760 --> 0:10:08.679 no pressure, no anything there. It doesn't have to be 0:10:08.679 --> 0:10:11.840 a certain end result. And so is it went through 0:10:11.880 --> 0:10:14.680 that you're you know, developing this box kind of guided 0:10:14.720 --> 0:10:16.520 you into that direction and make sure you keep it 0:10:16.600 --> 0:10:19.640 light and fun. Well, just me as a person, I 0:10:19.679 --> 0:10:21.200 have a core value. If it's not fun, why are 0:10:21.240 --> 0:10:23.920 we doing it. So it's important for couples to have 0:10:24.000 --> 0:10:26.480 pleasure and fun. And what tends to happen over time 0:10:26.559 --> 0:10:28.760 is we get really boring and we get into the 0:10:28.800 --> 0:10:32.280 responsibilities of life and we forget to have that lightness 0:10:32.320 --> 0:10:35.440 and playfulness and flirtation. I mean, the bedroom really is 0:10:35.480 --> 0:10:37.800 kind of an adult playground. And if you have that 0:10:37.880 --> 0:10:40.880 kind of attitude about it, that is for exploration and connecting, 0:10:41.360 --> 0:10:44.600 free of outcome, free of expectations and fear or whatever, 0:10:44.679 --> 0:10:48.559 then then it changes the way it feels because when 0:10:48.559 --> 0:10:50.280 you enter into the bedroom, you don't want it to 0:10:50.320 --> 0:10:53.520 be anything but just something you look forward to. And 0:10:53.520 --> 0:10:57.480 when anxiety kicks in, that's the opposite of the sexual response. 0:10:57.520 --> 0:11:00.600 Our bodies don't even work if we're anxious. So is 0:11:00.640 --> 0:11:03.280 designed to just make it fun and light and exploratory. 0:11:03.720 --> 0:11:07.080 But how do we you know, for him, because he 0:11:07.160 --> 0:11:11.000 does struggle with intimacy part and wanting to p or 0:11:11.320 --> 0:11:13.560 the fear of performing, So how does he kind of 0:11:13.600 --> 0:11:16.640 stay out of his head in those moments. Something I 0:11:16.679 --> 0:11:19.360 tell couples all the time is to take away the 0:11:19.400 --> 0:11:22.640 outcome and your former athlete, that's maybe even harder. And 0:11:22.679 --> 0:11:25.040 the idea is that it's not all about the touchdown, 0:11:25.440 --> 0:11:28.440 that it's still great if you're in the connecting process 0:11:28.440 --> 0:11:30.520 of it all, but you're not reaching for a goal. 0:11:31.080 --> 0:11:33.960 And sometimes I tell i'd sell couples just take sex 0:11:34.000 --> 0:11:37.079 off the table entirely and go in there to connect 0:11:37.080 --> 0:11:39.720 and explore and touch. But what if I want more though, 0:11:39.800 --> 0:11:43.080 and I'm being let down the coming down, and then 0:11:43.160 --> 0:11:44.960 it's just then we have an argument and like, God, 0:11:45.000 --> 0:11:48.040 I'm frustrated, I'm sexually frustrated, and yes, and then he 0:11:48.040 --> 0:11:52.200 gets even more pressure. Yes, because whenever we have a 0:11:52.200 --> 0:11:54.839 time in the bedroom that has anything negative in it, 0:11:55.360 --> 0:11:57.600 it pulls us away from wanting to go back in again. 0:11:58.480 --> 0:12:01.440 And so being really careful of making sure it's positive 0:12:01.480 --> 0:12:04.320 even if you are disappointed, are you do have hurt feelings, 0:12:04.440 --> 0:12:07.520 how to keep loving each other through that so that 0:12:07.559 --> 0:12:09.640 you don't think of the experience the next time. It's like, 0:12:09.720 --> 0:12:12.160 that was a bummer. I can't go back in there. 0:12:12.559 --> 0:12:14.800 I don't want to repeat that, because nobody wants to 0:12:14.840 --> 0:12:17.960 repeat something that was negative or didn't feel good. And 0:12:18.040 --> 0:12:20.280 so what tends to happen when you take the outcome 0:12:20.440 --> 0:12:23.880 off is that the pressure is down, and then you 0:12:23.920 --> 0:12:26.040 start to explore and let it go where it will, 0:12:26.080 --> 0:12:29.720 and you will relax, and then your bodies will work. 0:12:30.960 --> 0:12:33.840 And then it just happens because you're not trying to 0:12:34.040 --> 0:12:37.280 make it happen, because that's the opposite of what our 0:12:37.280 --> 0:12:39.960 bodies need to do. When we try, it shuts everything down. 0:12:41.320 --> 0:12:43.600 But when we show up and we're just enjoying and 0:12:43.760 --> 0:12:46.520 in the process and experience without fear or like I 0:12:46.559 --> 0:12:49.040 have to get to there or I have to do this, 0:12:49.960 --> 0:12:52.560 then it's kind of magic. Our bodies start to work 0:12:54.040 --> 0:12:57.160 scenario that I love your and your your husband here Doug, 0:12:57.200 --> 0:13:00.800 who's also been a therapist for many years. I was 0:13:00.920 --> 0:13:03.760 meeting with my therapist just a week or two ago, 0:13:04.480 --> 0:13:06.680 and we were actually working doing some E m DR 0:13:06.720 --> 0:13:10.480 work around intimacy, and so I talked to him and 0:13:10.760 --> 0:13:14.680 I basically painted a scenario. I said, you know. He 0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:16.480 was like, what what would it mean to you if 0:13:16.520 --> 0:13:17.959 you went in Like basically I was telling him. I 0:13:18.000 --> 0:13:20.160 was like, if I went home today and I just 0:13:20.160 --> 0:13:22.160 told Jannah, say you know it's been say it's been 0:13:22.200 --> 0:13:23.800 a few days or a week since we've had sex 0:13:23.880 --> 0:13:26.600 or anything, and I went in, I said, honey, and 0:13:26.640 --> 0:13:28.480 I just addressed a head on. I said, Honey, I 0:13:28.480 --> 0:13:31.040 know we haven't had sex in a week. I really 0:13:31.080 --> 0:13:33.720 want to connect, but right now, I just I'm just 0:13:33.720 --> 0:13:37.079 not in a place, or I'm really tired, or I've 0:13:37.080 --> 0:13:39.480 been busy or whatever it may be. My reason is 0:13:39.559 --> 0:13:42.000 to not be intimate tonight. And I told him I 0:13:42.040 --> 0:13:44.480 was like, if she said, okay, honey, no worries, like 0:13:44.480 --> 0:13:47.959 I understand, like all good, like no pressure by her 0:13:48.080 --> 0:13:52.160 saying that, it would mean more than I can even explain, 0:13:52.679 --> 0:13:55.800 because then I would feel safe in wanting to be 0:13:55.840 --> 0:13:57.640 innovat and I told my therapist, I said, you know what, 0:13:57.920 --> 0:14:01.199 if she did that, give me an hour, I'd probably 0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:03.960 want to be intimate. It's it's just such a weird 0:14:04.160 --> 0:14:07.320 thing in my head that why like why do I 0:14:07.400 --> 0:14:11.200 need that like pressure to be released? Like it's so weird. 0:14:11.240 --> 0:14:13.600 I'm still trying to figure it out. I wanted to 0:14:13.600 --> 0:14:15.160 share that with Jane. I hadn't yet, but it was 0:14:15.200 --> 0:14:18.720 such an interesting feeling. I got emotional actually talking about it, 0:14:18.800 --> 0:14:21.520 like if she would if she would just say, and 0:14:21.560 --> 0:14:25.040 she's done that before, but I just even in that moment, 0:14:25.080 --> 0:14:27.040 I was able to think, Wow, if she did that 0:14:27.360 --> 0:14:30.080 in an hour, I'd probably want to be intimate. Can 0:14:30.120 --> 0:14:31.840 I just speak on that before you say something? That 0:14:33.040 --> 0:14:35.080 would be like the great because even because it has 0:14:35.120 --> 0:14:37.800 been a week or so and last night I kind 0:14:37.800 --> 0:14:39.560 of wanted to but I knew we were both tired. 0:14:40.080 --> 0:14:42.160 If you would have said that to me, I would 0:14:42.200 --> 0:14:45.000 have immediately I would have immediately let up down my 0:14:45.080 --> 0:14:48.320 guard and then I would have you addressed it. So 0:14:48.520 --> 0:14:51.200 it's like, it's so knowing that it's on your mind 0:14:51.240 --> 0:14:54.080 would have made me feel better. It made me feel 0:14:54.160 --> 0:14:57.280 chosen by you. Just addressing it, because with you not 0:14:57.360 --> 0:15:00.640 addressing it doesn't make me feel chosen. I totally get that, 0:15:00.680 --> 0:15:02.400 and I kind of feel like that, and I would 0:15:02.400 --> 0:15:04.640 have loved you. It's like it's like the elephant in 0:15:04.640 --> 0:15:07.000 the room with us sometimes where it's like I know 0:15:07.120 --> 0:15:09.360 she wants to she's kind of waiting for me. She 0:15:09.400 --> 0:15:11.920 doesn't want to pressure me, like going back and forth 0:15:12.000 --> 0:15:14.880 where but yet I'm scared at times to come forward 0:15:14.920 --> 0:15:18.960 and say that because I still I'm still nervous of 0:15:19.000 --> 0:15:21.400 her reaction where maybe she doesn't take it well and 0:15:22.360 --> 0:15:25.080 fears yes, And and you're saying something really important about 0:15:25.600 --> 0:15:28.440 how we can do all this in a nonverbal arena, 0:15:28.680 --> 0:15:31.040 like I think she's in the mood. I think he 0:15:31.120 --> 0:15:32.720 might be, but I bet he's not. But if he's not, 0:15:32.760 --> 0:15:35.000 I'm going to be hurt. And and to get that 0:15:35.040 --> 0:15:37.200 out on the open more and more like it's just 0:15:37.400 --> 0:15:38.840 something and it sounds like you do a lot of 0:15:38.840 --> 0:15:41.400 it already, but to know where you're at as a 0:15:41.440 --> 0:15:44.120 part of conversation, to let you know, you know, just 0:15:44.160 --> 0:15:46.440 so you know I'm kind of feeling it, just just 0:15:46.520 --> 0:15:48.760 letting you know, so that you have kind of a 0:15:48.880 --> 0:15:52.040 dialogue around each of your sexualities so that you have 0:15:52.080 --> 0:15:54.560 a beat on each other, and so it keeps you 0:15:54.640 --> 0:15:57.680 knowing that you're both trying that we're both it's both 0:15:57.720 --> 0:16:01.360 in our minds and we both care about it. So 0:16:01.400 --> 0:16:04.960 why did you why does why does he need that to? Like? 0:16:05.080 --> 0:16:07.360 Kind of your question was why do you feel like 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:10.560 you need to let let it out? Is that what 0:16:10.600 --> 0:16:13.400 you're trying to I think? I think because then I 0:16:13.440 --> 0:16:19.040 feel alleviated from any expectations or stress. And your response 0:16:19.120 --> 0:16:21.360 is so important because we're all sensitive people, which is, 0:16:21.960 --> 0:16:24.320 you know, there's always when you it's a vulnerable thing 0:16:24.360 --> 0:16:26.960 to reach out for anything that's personable. Even more so 0:16:27.120 --> 0:16:29.560 probably when we're saying I want you or I'm feeling 0:16:29.640 --> 0:16:34.280 sexy for you, you've now reached down into a vulnerable spot, 0:16:34.800 --> 0:16:37.360 which means somebody's heart is basically in your hands at 0:16:37.360 --> 0:16:40.280 that point. And how you respond is everything. What I 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:42.760 heard when he was saying, I heard he wants to 0:16:42.800 --> 0:16:46.000 know you love him either way, and so if you 0:16:46.080 --> 0:16:49.280 just go whatever, babe, I'm good with either way, then 0:16:49.320 --> 0:16:52.120 he's just like, I'm not going to lose the love. 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:55.600 I'm not feeling abandoned. She's still with me, whether I 0:16:55.760 --> 0:16:58.880 pursue her or I don't. The acknowledgement would have been 0:16:59.120 --> 0:17:07.119 is great, though, are you okay? Yeah? Yeah, that go ahead, 0:17:07.600 --> 0:17:11.399 It's okay, No, it's just I mean, that's that's me 0:17:11.440 --> 0:17:13.080 in init show. And that's why I got emotional with 0:17:13.240 --> 0:17:15.680 my therapist last week. Is exactly what she said. It's 0:17:15.680 --> 0:17:19.000 like whatever inside of me that created that feeling of 0:17:20.000 --> 0:17:23.159 not good enough or whatever. It's like knowing that you 0:17:23.200 --> 0:17:26.240 still love me even if I don't give you what 0:17:26.280 --> 0:17:33.440 you need is like a lot. So yeah, damon, Leslie. 0:17:33.880 --> 0:17:36.199 Thank you for sharing that though, because that's that's the 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:37.640 heart of it. But it's the heart of for all 0:17:37.640 --> 0:17:40.680 of us, and every one of us on some level 0:17:40.720 --> 0:17:43.639 hasn't I'm not good enough from our own history. Is 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:46.159 our own wound. It's it's just tucked away somewhere. For 0:17:46.240 --> 0:17:48.159 some of it's a greater wound, some of it's a 0:17:48.240 --> 0:17:50.760 really um scalped over wound, and so we don't get 0:17:50.760 --> 0:17:53.040 at it as easy, but it exists for all of 0:17:53.119 --> 0:17:54.679 us because all of us, at some point in our 0:17:54.720 --> 0:17:58.480 life had some sort of shaming in a relationship and 0:17:58.520 --> 0:18:01.080 that's where the wound is. So it's always sort of 0:18:01.440 --> 0:18:04.240 ready to be flared, and so the gift of just 0:18:04.400 --> 0:18:07.639 loving somebody no matter what is really healing balm to 0:18:07.720 --> 0:18:11.920 that because the shame inside says I'm not good enough. Well, 0:18:12.119 --> 0:18:14.840 and the problem is is there's two two people and 0:18:14.880 --> 0:18:17.120 that they both are not feeling good enough. He's has 0:18:17.200 --> 0:18:19.760 his issues, and then I have my issues of why 0:18:19.800 --> 0:18:20.879 don't you want to be with me? Why am I 0:18:20.880 --> 0:18:22.359 not good enough for you to be with? Why? You 0:18:22.359 --> 0:18:24.760 know that hits my core too because I have that's 0:18:24.800 --> 0:18:26.880 one of my biggest issues is never feeling good enough 0:18:27.359 --> 0:18:29.879 in a relationship. So we're both hitting it's just a 0:18:29.920 --> 0:18:35.840 different they're just complete opposite conflicting needs that unfortunately just 0:18:36.480 --> 0:18:39.600 go to the opposite direction from each other. And being 0:18:39.640 --> 0:18:42.320 able to put that out in the open is really 0:18:42.600 --> 0:18:46.760 is the challenge on the beauty because that is true 0:18:46.800 --> 0:18:48.879 of every couple. If they can go that deep with 0:18:48.920 --> 0:18:51.119 each other, that they're going to run into parts of 0:18:51.160 --> 0:18:53.840 the other that they're just like, I can't have you 0:18:53.880 --> 0:18:56.160 be close to me, I'm not worthy or whatever, or 0:18:56.520 --> 0:18:59.679 you know, somebody flares and defensiveness. Again, we're looking at 0:18:59.680 --> 0:19:01.560 shame or I'm not good enough. But to be able 0:19:01.600 --> 0:19:05.159 to notice those things and go, hey, Okay, Okay, We're okay. 0:19:05.680 --> 0:19:07.880 You know I love you still. I mean I can 0:19:07.880 --> 0:19:11.159 say that I definitely there's times when I get so frustrated, 0:19:11.200 --> 0:19:16.000 and I know that makes him more stressed or more 0:19:17.240 --> 0:19:20.040 you know, shelled off. It's just I after a while, 0:19:20.080 --> 0:19:22.640 I just get so frustrated that I just don't understand 0:19:22.640 --> 0:19:26.000 why I'm not chosen. So if I just but I 0:19:26.359 --> 0:19:30.960 think I've done better at being patient. But but I 0:19:30.960 --> 0:19:33.680 would have loved the gift of you to say, hey, 0:19:33.800 --> 0:19:37.399 acknowledgement of it, because it takes the pressure off of 0:19:37.920 --> 0:19:40.399 me to not knowing if you just don't think I'm 0:19:40.400 --> 0:19:41.800 attractive now, or you don't want to be with me, 0:19:41.840 --> 0:19:45.160 or I'm not chosen, I'm not good enough to get that. Yeah, 0:19:45.160 --> 0:19:46.800 And when we talk about it, we don't have to 0:19:46.800 --> 0:19:49.719 fill in the blank with a negative against ourselves, like 0:19:49.800 --> 0:19:52.560 I'm not chosen. If he doesn't reach out, maybe he's 0:19:52.600 --> 0:19:54.600 just in a bad mood, so that attribution of hey, 0:19:54.600 --> 0:19:57.960 it's not even really about me. I'm still fabulous. He's 0:19:57.960 --> 0:20:00.480 just having a hard time, you know, So how we 0:20:00.520 --> 0:20:02.600 feel in that blank, if we lean into each other, 0:20:02.640 --> 0:20:04.959 we can find out, you know, what's really going on 0:20:05.000 --> 0:20:06.720 with you, so I don't have to personalize it and 0:20:06.720 --> 0:20:09.680 I don't have to hurt what have to change gears 0:20:09.720 --> 0:20:12.320 a little bit. This is for you and for your husband, Doug. 0:20:12.760 --> 0:20:14.520 What you know, it's kind of the whole practice what 0:20:14.600 --> 0:20:16.840 you preach. What do you guys do, Like what's your 0:20:16.840 --> 0:20:21.480 experience in your relationship to maintain intimacy, maintain that connection? 0:20:22.400 --> 0:20:24.800 You want that one any it's like, oh no, don't 0:20:24.800 --> 0:20:27.640 bring me a No. I was just of an observer 0:20:27.800 --> 0:20:30.560