WEBVTT - Dating Deeper 0:00:01.520 --> 0:00:05.120 I Suck At with Dean, Vanessa and Jared and I 0:00:05.240 --> 0:00:10.319 Heart Radio Podcast. Hello everyone, thank you for joining us 0:00:10.360 --> 0:00:13.360 on this week's episode of Help I Suck At Dating. 0:00:13.640 --> 0:00:15.920 I'm Deanngler here in Los Angeles. I'm going to hand 0:00:16.040 --> 0:00:18.959 the introductions over to my co hosts who are all 0:00:19.000 --> 0:00:24.200 over the country right now. Guys, it's Vanessa from Montreal 0:00:24.960 --> 0:00:29.160 in my bedroom and Jared. Hello, I'm in d C. 0:00:31.600 --> 0:00:33.800 We're taking the world by storm. We're taking in the 0:00:33.840 --> 0:00:36.600 North Americ world storm at least, thank God for technology. 0:00:36.800 --> 0:00:39.240 Very special episode for you guys. They obviously not only 0:00:39.280 --> 0:00:42.479 are we all in three separate locations around North America, 0:00:42.720 --> 0:00:44.800 but we also have Ken Page calling in, who is 0:00:44.840 --> 0:00:49.080 the author of an incredible new book. We have obviously 0:00:49.159 --> 0:00:51.519 Vanessa in here to vouch for her side of the 0:00:51.800 --> 0:00:54.880 poop story that we've discussed a little bit last week 0:00:55.000 --> 0:00:58.080 and on Almost Famous podcast, and that was Vanessa pooping 0:00:58.160 --> 0:01:00.880 still and um, we're just going to kind of catch 0:01:00.920 --> 0:01:02.640 up with everyone and see how everyone's doing. So let's 0:01:02.640 --> 0:01:04.640 just kind of get right into it. Well, Dean, happy 0:01:04.680 --> 0:01:09.319 belated birthday. Oh yeah, thanks guys, thanks for the birthday love. 0:01:10.120 --> 0:01:13.120 Um it was you know, I'm turning, so there's not 0:01:13.160 --> 0:01:15.679 really much reason to celebrate nowadays. But Vanessa, you did 0:01:15.720 --> 0:01:20.360 something pretty exciting recently. I did. So. I was a 0:01:20.400 --> 0:01:24.080 gymnast for a couple of years, and then naturally, when 0:01:24.440 --> 0:01:27.640 the gymnasts from my club quit, they went to Circus 0:01:27.720 --> 0:01:29.920 Lay to become acrobats, and I was like, I want 0:01:29.920 --> 0:01:32.679 to become an acrobat. But then it was like, I 0:01:32.720 --> 0:01:35.240 think about six years after I quit gymnastics, I went 0:01:35.280 --> 0:01:39.520 to the Cirk School. I did the orientation, I walked 0:01:39.520 --> 0:01:42.560 around the school, I got familiar with the program, and 0:01:42.560 --> 0:01:44.280 then I'm like, I think I'm gonna go I think 0:01:44.280 --> 0:01:45.679 I'm just going to go into teaching. And then I 0:01:45.680 --> 0:01:47.720 went to university and now, at the age of thirty 0:01:47.800 --> 0:01:50.760 one years old, Circus So I contacted me. They're like, 0:01:50.840 --> 0:01:54.559 we'd love to have you in our headquarters, dressed up 0:01:54.600 --> 0:01:58.000 as one of the acrobats, put the makeup on, put 0:01:58.040 --> 0:02:01.160 their costume on, and get a training from the professionals. 0:02:01.160 --> 0:02:02.640 And I was like, oh my god, this is the 0:02:02.640 --> 0:02:04.360 best day of my life. So I spent the entire 0:02:04.480 --> 0:02:07.640 day yesterday, well it was a morning until late afternoon, 0:02:08.320 --> 0:02:12.720 and it was everything I could have imagined. My body 0:02:12.840 --> 0:02:16.440 right now is so sore. I actually did. If you're 0:02:16.480 --> 0:02:20.440 familiar with gymnastics or or the circus like language, I 0:02:20.520 --> 0:02:24.000 basically like swung. So there was a guy holding me 0:02:24.200 --> 0:02:27.680 from my hands and he was swinging me and he 0:02:28.280 --> 0:02:32.280 released me and then I did a front salto dismount 0:02:32.360 --> 0:02:38.760 and landed the dismount like I was so so I 0:02:38.800 --> 0:02:40.720 basically did you know, like when you do a front 0:02:40.840 --> 0:02:44.400 roll on the floor, So I imagine, imagine like a 0:02:44.440 --> 0:02:46.840 guy swings you in the air and you like you 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:49.200 do a front flip and then you land on. And 0:02:49.400 --> 0:02:51.240 I was like, I don't know how many stories high, 0:02:51.480 --> 0:02:53.160 but I was like I had to climb up the ladder. 0:02:53.200 --> 0:02:58.680 I was like really really high. Oh man. I was like, 0:02:58.720 --> 0:03:01.040 I'm not like at least two stories three stories time, 0:03:01.480 --> 0:03:06.880 so like yeah or more. Yeah. Anyways, it's all, it's 0:03:06.919 --> 0:03:09.040 all on, it's all, it's we recorded the whole thing. 0:03:09.040 --> 0:03:12.079 It was. It was amazing. So this was like one 0:03:12.120 --> 0:03:14.600 of my dreams come. I've been wanting to become an 0:03:14.639 --> 0:03:16.760 acrobat for years. And they're like when I was leaving 0:03:16.840 --> 0:03:19.080 the coaches like Vanessa, I think he needs to switch careers. 0:03:19.120 --> 0:03:21.720 I was like, you actually think I could become an acrobat. 0:03:21.760 --> 0:03:23.680 He's like, yeah, just you know, a little bit more training. 0:03:23.680 --> 0:03:26.920 He was a question guy. I'm not really I'm not 0:03:26.960 --> 0:03:29.520 really good with with actors, but he was just like 0:03:29.560 --> 0:03:33.200 super encouraging and it's I don't know if you guys know, 0:03:33.240 --> 0:03:38.600 but was created from a Montreal troop. So they're they're 0:03:38.600 --> 0:03:42.240 Montreal based. So you got your shoeing what you're saying, Yeah, 0:03:42.280 --> 0:03:45.200 you're homegrown. Yep, that's crazy. I've never been. I've never 0:03:45.240 --> 0:03:46.680 been to a cirt day a show, but I've heard 0:03:46.680 --> 0:03:49.240 they're incredible. They're really great. If you're gonna be well, 0:03:49.240 --> 0:03:50.920 I'm sure they has them in l A. In l A. 0:03:51.200 --> 0:03:52.720 They're traveling to l A. I can get you a 0:03:52.720 --> 0:03:55.920 backstage tour. Wow, can you get me into the thing 0:03:55.960 --> 0:03:58.960 like you did? Can I participate? Probably not? Come on, 0:03:59.440 --> 0:04:02.760 I'm not up. What are you doing? Okay, fine, I could. 0:04:02.800 --> 0:04:04.560 I could definitely try. But let me tell you it 0:04:04.720 --> 0:04:07.120 was everything i've You know, when you're a little kid, 0:04:07.120 --> 0:04:09.480 I guess like with sports with you guys, imagine meeting 0:04:09.480 --> 0:04:12.360 Tom Brady Jarrett. Imagine it every day in my life. 0:04:14.200 --> 0:04:16.440 So you imagine just like throwing a football with him 0:04:16.800 --> 0:04:19.279 on the field. That's what I felt like for me. Okay, 0:04:19.279 --> 0:04:21.680 so so Van Sa you did the Third Day Sleigh thing. 0:04:21.839 --> 0:04:23.680 It was my birthday recently, Jared, what the heck are 0:04:23.680 --> 0:04:26.240 you doing over in uh d C. You know, I'm 0:04:26.279 --> 0:04:29.960 taking naps really. I went to Duncan Donuts this morning. 0:04:30.000 --> 0:04:33.200 It was a pretty good time. Living it up, living 0:04:33.240 --> 0:04:35.360 the life right now. Now we're over here. We were 0:04:35.360 --> 0:04:37.440 in New York because Ashley had to go to this 0:04:37.560 --> 0:04:42.320 bridal Fashion Week and I tagged along because our florists. 0:04:42.320 --> 0:04:44.800 So we're working with a company called Birch in New York. 0:04:44.800 --> 0:04:47.279 They're pretty incredible and they're doing all our florals for 0:04:47.279 --> 0:04:49.520 the wedding coming up in August, and so they have 0:04:49.560 --> 0:04:52.280 a warehouse. Jared, when is the when's your wedding date? 0:04:53.120 --> 0:04:55.000 We have? We're not saying the date. We're not saying 0:04:55.000 --> 0:04:56.760 the venue or the date right now. We're just saying 0:04:56.760 --> 0:04:59.159 that it's a Newport and it's in Ryland because we 0:04:59.200 --> 0:05:01.680 just don't want to give away any two specifics. You know, 0:05:02.000 --> 0:05:04.080 obviously people will find out where the venue is afterwards, 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:05.560 but we're kind of keeping it a little bit of 0:05:05.600 --> 0:05:09.120 a secret rate now. Um. Plus, we haven't even sent 0:05:09.200 --> 0:05:11.479 out invitations yet, so like, there's so many people that 0:05:11.520 --> 0:05:13.400 are coming to the wedding that don't even know where 0:05:13.400 --> 0:05:16.560 it's at, So let's let's get them knowing where where 0:05:16.560 --> 0:05:18.080 the venue is before we kind of put it out 0:05:18.080 --> 0:05:19.560 in the world is yet And we put out so 0:05:19.680 --> 0:05:23.039 much for the wedding that it's nice to like keep 0:05:23.080 --> 0:05:25.680 some things a little bit close to the chest. Anyway, 0:05:25.880 --> 0:05:30.000 we went to the they have a warehouse in uh Brooklyn, 0:05:30.320 --> 0:05:31.920 and it was cool because we went into the room 0:05:31.920 --> 0:05:34.359 and they had the entire room set up as our ballroom, 0:05:34.440 --> 0:05:36.160 so it was it was a very surreal moment for 0:05:36.200 --> 0:05:38.760 both Ashley and I walking in and they played Titanic, 0:05:39.000 --> 0:05:41.640 they played the My Heart Will Go On, so it's 0:05:41.760 --> 0:05:44.120 very special. I was holding my dog Lois in our 0:05:44.240 --> 0:05:47.080 arms and you know, I walked out. It was like 0:05:47.120 --> 0:05:48.920 a very adorable moment that I'll never forget for the 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:50.760 rest of my life. And it was really cool seeing 0:05:50.760 --> 0:05:52.680 everything kind of come together with the florals and the 0:05:52.680 --> 0:05:56.479 tablecloth and the silverware and the plating and and the lighting. Um. 0:05:56.760 --> 0:05:59.080 So you know, we planned it for a few months 0:05:59.080 --> 0:06:01.000 now and that was the first time we actually saw 0:06:01.040 --> 0:06:03.719 it all put together. So it was a pretty awesome moment. 0:06:04.240 --> 0:06:08.400 And then we came down to d c Um where 0:06:08.480 --> 0:06:11.120 we did a couple of book readings for our children's book, 0:06:11.279 --> 0:06:14.040 and uh, we're visiting Ashley's parents down here, and then 0:06:14.080 --> 0:06:18.320 we head back to l A this weekend because I 0:06:18.320 --> 0:06:21.200 gotta get back in time for the Avenger's premieres. I'm 0:06:21.200 --> 0:06:23.800 going you split so much of your time between here 0:06:23.839 --> 0:06:26.160 and the East Coast. We do, I mean my parents 0:06:26.240 --> 0:06:28.760 living obviously, I'm born and raised Rhode Island and Ashley's 0:06:28.760 --> 0:06:31.480 parents are in Virginia, so um, Plus we're getting married 0:06:31.480 --> 0:06:32.760 in Rhode Island, so we've had to come back a 0:06:32.800 --> 0:06:35.560 few times for that, which is a good excuse for 0:06:35.600 --> 0:06:37.000 me to go home for a little while. And I 0:06:37.040 --> 0:06:38.600 love the East Coast. I was born and raised here, 0:06:38.680 --> 0:06:41.200 so we definitely both want to move back at some point. Uh. 0:06:41.240 --> 0:06:44.720 The goal would be, you know, to become bi coastal, 0:06:44.839 --> 0:06:47.360 but obviously we have a long ways to go before then. 0:06:48.640 --> 0:06:50.720 Well that's where you've ben open the bar right out there, right, 0:06:51.120 --> 0:06:52.640 I mean, i'd like to man, that's kind of like 0:06:52.680 --> 0:06:54.560 the long term plan is to open up a bar 0:06:54.680 --> 0:06:57.000 back east. I've always worked on the hospitality industry and 0:06:57.040 --> 0:06:58.440 it's always been a little bit of a dream of 0:06:58.480 --> 0:07:00.160 mine to open up a bar, and I have a 0:07:00.240 --> 0:07:02.760 very specific concept that I'd like to do, and I 0:07:02.760 --> 0:07:04.159 would never want to do it on the West Coast 0:07:04.160 --> 0:07:06.200 because I just don't know the clientele well enough. I 0:07:06.200 --> 0:07:08.800 don't know what would work, what wouldn't work. The retail 0:07:09.279 --> 0:07:11.680 property over there is far more expensive, So I'd like 0:07:11.760 --> 0:07:14.480 to bring it back home East Um, where I think 0:07:14.480 --> 0:07:17.360 I'm a little bit more tapped in and it would 0:07:17.360 --> 0:07:19.800 probably be a little bit more successful knock on wood. 0:07:19.880 --> 0:07:22.080 But yet again, that's still years down the road. You know, 0:07:22.200 --> 0:07:24.400 Actuley and I have a lot more things that we 0:07:24.440 --> 0:07:26.640 need to do and need to accomplish before we can 0:07:26.720 --> 0:07:29.440 even start thinking about that. I talked to your fiance 0:07:29.600 --> 0:07:31.840 yesterday or I guess the other day. That was the 0:07:31.880 --> 0:07:34.480 other day on the phone while she was recording the 0:07:34.480 --> 0:07:38.880 almost famous podcast, because you have announced that both well, 0:07:38.880 --> 0:07:41.440 I guess all three of us, me, Tanner and uh 0:07:41.560 --> 0:07:43.239 Nick are going to be groom's been in your wedding. 0:07:43.240 --> 0:07:47.840 That's public information, right, yes it is. I'd even know that. Oh, 0:07:47.880 --> 0:07:51.160 that was a very interesting well, I obviously I knew 0:07:51.200 --> 0:07:52.720 I asked them, but I didn't know it was public 0:07:52.760 --> 0:07:57.720 knowledge until I got tagged. Uh well, shout out to 0:07:57.760 --> 0:08:00.760 this instagram that is like dedicated to mean, it's not 0:08:00.800 --> 0:08:04.000 your instagram, it's like a fan account. What is it? 0:08:04.040 --> 0:08:06.400 Team d do you much respect? I gotta love them. 0:08:06.600 --> 0:08:09.720 Shout out to team Dean. But they posted like saying 0:08:09.760 --> 0:08:11.880 like oh Dean and Nick or in Jared's bachelor party. 0:08:11.960 --> 0:08:15.720 This was like last Friday, and I always the last 0:08:15.720 --> 0:08:18.560 one to know stuff about the wedding. I didn't even 0:08:18.560 --> 0:08:21.880 know that was public information. And uh, but Ashley was 0:08:21.920 --> 0:08:24.440 talking to somebody and she just kind of like said it, um, 0:08:24.480 --> 0:08:27.120 but yeah, does this mean I'm not invited to the wedding? 0:08:27.520 --> 0:08:31.360 Can we all just settle down for a minute? Wait? 0:08:31.360 --> 0:08:34.680 You know that's it? I don't know. We haven't. We're 0:08:34.679 --> 0:08:36.880 going through the guests this right now. We're just figuring 0:08:36.920 --> 0:08:42.679 everything out, Dared. I am heartbroken. Let me tell you something. 0:08:42.840 --> 0:08:46.560 I know. I held off on my vacation plans in August, 0:08:46.600 --> 0:08:49.000 and I kept asking. I didn't want to ask you directly. 0:08:49.040 --> 0:08:50.360 I was like, but I don't know when the wedding 0:08:50.440 --> 0:08:52.840 is because I there was a trip desk plan in August, 0:08:52.840 --> 0:08:54.160 and I'm like, well, I'm going to hold off on 0:08:54.160 --> 0:08:55.959 this on this trip because I want to come. I 0:08:56.000 --> 0:08:58.000 want to go to the wedding, but I want to 0:08:58.040 --> 0:09:02.160 book my trip to I'm gonna book my vacae it. Well, 0:09:02.200 --> 0:09:05.000 definitely don't schedule your vacation around me. I would never 0:09:05.040 --> 0:09:07.559 want that for a wedding, regardless. You know, it's your wedding. 0:09:07.600 --> 0:09:09.880 It's not a birthday party. It's your wedding. It's like, 0:09:10.520 --> 0:09:16.760 hopefully it's your first and last first. I wouldn't want um. Well, obviously, 0:09:16.960 --> 0:09:19.480 I mean, listen for all the wonderful things within Bachelor, 0:09:19.600 --> 0:09:22.280 it's just anyway, well, we're all going to talk about 0:09:22.320 --> 0:09:24.559 this at some point and figure everything out. The wedding 0:09:24.760 --> 0:09:27.360 is still always away. But yes, the point of the 0:09:27.400 --> 0:09:30.280 story is, Dean, I asked you because Dean, you and 0:09:30.360 --> 0:09:32.440 I have grown closer ever since the podcast started and 0:09:32.520 --> 0:09:35.319 become a lot closer friends, and specifically probably over the 0:09:35.360 --> 0:09:37.719 past like five or six months, I feel like I've 0:09:37.760 --> 0:09:40.000 grown a lot closer with you, and I'll the what 0:09:40.160 --> 0:09:44.239 really cemented when I wanted you to be a groomsman 0:09:44.360 --> 0:09:48.560 was our trip to Foxwood's, because um, you always just 0:09:48.600 --> 0:09:51.080 make me happy. Man. You're a very happy, happy guy 0:09:51.120 --> 0:09:53.920 and you're always so optimistic, and like, I know I 0:09:53.960 --> 0:09:55.959 want you to be a part of the party because 0:09:56.000 --> 0:09:59.559 you're I know, you'll just be energetic and smiling, and 0:09:59.760 --> 0:10:02.280 you'll make me smile as well and not stressed out. 0:10:02.400 --> 0:10:04.960 And uh, it was when we were at Foxwood's doing 0:10:04.960 --> 0:10:07.680 our event a few weeks ago, and we were in 0:10:07.720 --> 0:10:11.080 the club and you know, we're not you know, big 0:10:11.120 --> 0:10:13.400 club people, and Dean and I were just trying to 0:10:13.440 --> 0:10:16.600 have fun and we were like fist pumping and chanting, 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:20.000 help I suck at dating, Help I suck at dating night. 0:10:20.400 --> 0:10:22.480 It was awesome. And so it's like, this is a 0:10:22.520 --> 0:10:24.000 no brainer. I wanting to be a part of my 0:10:24.000 --> 0:10:26.320 grooms and party. Yeah. I was flattered when you asked. 0:10:26.400 --> 0:10:28.000 Actually was a little bummed to hear that both Nick 0:10:28.000 --> 0:10:29.920 container are going to be there as well. Obviously I 0:10:29.960 --> 0:10:31.960 get it, like you and Tainner are best friends from 0:10:32.080 --> 0:10:35.040 obviously way way back. Yeah, but I was like, okay, cool, 0:10:35.040 --> 0:10:36.600 I'm gonna be the only guy from the Bachelor that's 0:10:36.600 --> 0:10:39.480 gonna be up there. Of course Nicks in there too. 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:41.360 Obviously Nick and I have grown very close and I 0:10:41.400 --> 0:10:43.680 lived with him for a little while, and uh, Nick 0:10:43.800 --> 0:10:45.240 was you know another guy that have been on a 0:10:45.280 --> 0:10:47.240 couple of seasons Bachelor with them, we've just formed a 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:51.040 really strong friendship off the show as well. Um. But 0:10:51.040 --> 0:10:53.560 but well, well we'll see about Tanner. Obviously, Tanner is 0:10:53.760 --> 0:10:56.400 you know, he's like an honorary member of the Bachelor party, 0:10:56.400 --> 0:11:00.280 but he's also uh, you know, marrying Ashley and I 0:11:00.400 --> 0:11:04.240 he's our officiant. Um. But you know, Jade is pregnant 0:11:04.320 --> 0:11:07.760 and she's due right around our wedding, So I hope 0:11:07.800 --> 0:11:09.560 they're able to come. I hope both Tanner and Jade 0:11:09.559 --> 0:11:12.000 are able to come because they're uh two of my 0:11:12.080 --> 0:11:15.360 closest friends and obviously Ashley's as well, So it would 0:11:15.360 --> 0:11:17.959 be a bummer if they can't. But but we'll see. Um. 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:20.160 But yeah, from Bachelor, it's you three that are part 0:11:20.200 --> 0:11:22.080 of the party and then some other guys. Actually, you know, 0:11:22.120 --> 0:11:24.959 it was funny. Dean Tory texted me a couple of 0:11:25.040 --> 0:11:26.839 days ago. Did she ever play a game with you? 0:11:27.040 --> 0:11:29.000 Apparently she wanted to play a game of to see 0:11:29.040 --> 0:11:31.280 if you could name any of the grundsman not named 0:11:31.360 --> 0:11:34.199 Nick or Tanner. Um, your dad, your father's name is 0:11:34.240 --> 0:11:41.920 phil ah so close Bill? Four letters, four letters and 0:11:42.000 --> 0:11:43.840 you I mean you had the peak sounds like an 0:11:43.840 --> 0:11:47.840 f It was pretty close. He's your best man, right, yeah, yeah, 0:11:47.880 --> 0:11:50.680 my dad is my best man. So um, I asked 0:11:50.760 --> 0:11:53.719 him way back at Christmas. Uh, but that was really 0:11:53.800 --> 0:11:56.280 nice moment. So so we're excited. We're doing we and 0:11:56.360 --> 0:11:58.160 planning and it's kind of all coming together, which is 0:11:58.200 --> 0:12:00.680 really nuts. And it's even crazy you think that it's 0:12:00.679 --> 0:12:04.960 all within the next you know, four months, ish Um, 0:12:05.040 --> 0:12:07.839 it's flying by. It's exciting. Well yeah, and then a 0:12:07.840 --> 0:12:09.760 bunch of other gimpsmen are going to be friends from 0:12:11.080 --> 0:12:13.319 Rhode Island. Yeah, there's one of my buddies. He lives 0:12:13.360 --> 0:12:16.240 up in Vancouver, but I was I kind of grew 0:12:16.320 --> 0:12:17.959 up with him in Rhode Island and then he moved 0:12:18.000 --> 0:12:20.160 over to Vancouver. He lives there now with his his fiance. 0:12:20.400 --> 0:12:22.400 And then obviously you guys live in l A. But 0:12:22.440 --> 0:12:24.960 then pretty much everybody else lives in Rhode Island. That's 0:12:24.960 --> 0:12:27.720 a cool part. That's that's I'm lucky to be being 0:12:27.760 --> 0:12:29.319 married over in Rhode Island because a lot of my 0:12:29.360 --> 0:12:32.040 friends and family are there. And then Ashley's family is 0:12:32.080 --> 0:12:35.400 mostly either in Jersey or in Northern Virginia. So everybody's 0:12:35.440 --> 0:12:37.840 kind of up there except for you know, Bachelor Core obviously, 0:12:37.840 --> 0:12:40.600 producers and casts. So yeah, all right, we'll be fun. 0:12:40.720 --> 0:12:43.199 I'm excited. I'm excited to Let's jump into a phone 0:12:43.200 --> 0:12:46.040 call with Ken Page, who is the author and host 0:12:46.080 --> 0:12:48.760 of a podcast, Deeper Dating. But before we do that, 0:12:48.880 --> 0:12:51.720 we are going to tell you guys a little bit 0:12:51.760 --> 0:12:55.199 about Hers. 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It's hard to finding an internship, let 0:15:41.440 --> 0:15:44.160 alone a job, and right now our listeners can try 0:15:44.240 --> 0:15:48.920 zip recruiter for free at zip recruiter dot com, slash date. 0:15:49.160 --> 0:15:53.200 That's zip recruiter dot com, slash d a t E. 0:15:53.680 --> 0:15:57.360 Zip recruiter is the smartest way too higher. Al Right, 0:15:57.400 --> 0:15:59.480 we have Ken Page on the line. Ken is the 0:15:59.480 --> 0:16:02.640 host of the Deeper Dating podcast. He's also the author 0:16:02.720 --> 0:16:06.800 of the best selling book Deeper Dating, How to Drop 0:16:06.800 --> 0:16:10.840 the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. 0:16:10.920 --> 0:16:15.200 Ken are you there? I am very here, Hey, Ken, 0:16:15.200 --> 0:16:18.280 How are you. I'm good, I'm good, glad to be here. 0:16:18.360 --> 0:16:21.000 Thanks for inviting me, Thank you for having well, thank 0:16:21.000 --> 0:16:23.480 you for being here. You are on the line with 0:16:23.520 --> 0:16:28.160 the help I second dating crew Dean and Vanessa. Hey, 0:16:28.320 --> 0:16:30.760 can watch you tell us who you are? Give a 0:16:30.800 --> 0:16:35.440 little background to the listeners. Sure, sure, so um. I 0:16:35.520 --> 0:16:39.239 am I guess, first and foremost, someone who was chronically 0:16:39.280 --> 0:16:44.640 single for decades and I'm a psychotherapist and um kind 0:16:44.680 --> 0:16:47.440 of at the same time as I was struggling with 0:16:47.480 --> 0:16:50.040 my own search for love, I had so many clients 0:16:50.080 --> 0:16:52.320 that were as well. So I tried to kind of 0:16:52.960 --> 0:16:56.480 really learn what why I chucked at dating And I 0:16:56.640 --> 0:16:59.800 really really sucked at dating. I sucked at it so 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:03.840 badly that I actually started a support group for chronically 0:17:03.960 --> 0:17:10.919 single psychotherapists and really helpful. Yeah. Yeah, because we need it. 0:17:11.000 --> 0:17:14.480 We to go therapist, we need that help. Um. But 0:17:14.640 --> 0:17:17.119 so so I had to do a lot of work 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:19.640 and a lot of work learning and I kind of 0:17:19.760 --> 0:17:23.440 chronicled what I learned as I learned it, and that 0:17:23.520 --> 0:17:27.320 led to my book, Deeper Dating. I was still single. 0:17:28.240 --> 0:17:32.280 Um that led in the process to me adopting a 0:17:32.400 --> 0:17:38.240 child as a single dad. Yes, yes, then, um, our 0:17:38.400 --> 0:17:42.040 son is now about to graduate high school. And that 0:17:42.320 --> 0:17:44.639 has been an amazing you know, I said yes to 0:17:44.760 --> 0:17:47.399 love and that was what came first. It wasn't a partner, 0:17:47.760 --> 0:17:52.200 and then through all of that I met my husband. Meanwhile, 0:17:52.240 --> 0:17:55.040 I was teaching, you know, I was this like therapist 0:17:55.119 --> 0:17:58.040 teaching about finding love even though I wasn't in a relationship. 0:17:58.040 --> 0:18:01.600 But I knew what I was learning work, and I 0:18:01.680 --> 0:18:05.000 thought all the way through and uh wrote that book, 0:18:05.119 --> 0:18:10.280 and um, you know, teach classes, teach intensive lecture all 0:18:10.320 --> 0:18:14.080 over the place right for psychology today and most recently 0:18:14.160 --> 0:18:17.120 started the Deeper Dating podcast. Right, I get to kind 0:18:17.160 --> 0:18:19.560 of talk about what I'm learning and and and like 0:18:19.720 --> 0:18:23.359 each one of you. I'm endlessly fascinated in what it 0:18:23.400 --> 0:18:26.280 means to date well and to find love because it's 0:18:26.359 --> 0:18:29.240 kind of like it's a miracle, but it's a miracle 0:18:29.320 --> 0:18:33.919 that you can earn. So that's my story. Well, Ken, 0:18:34.040 --> 0:18:36.560 I think you're so incredibly insightful, and there's so many 0:18:36.560 --> 0:18:38.520 things that you write and you talk about that resonates 0:18:38.520 --> 0:18:40.040 with me and I'm sure resonates with a lot of 0:18:40.040 --> 0:18:42.439 our listeners. And one thing that you talk about is 0:18:42.480 --> 0:18:46.920 attractions of deprivation and attractions of inspiration. And before I 0:18:47.040 --> 0:18:50.560 butcher what this means, um, can you give us uh 0:18:50.760 --> 0:18:55.640 an example what each of those mean? Yeah? Absolutely so, 0:18:55.640 --> 0:18:58.919 So here's what I say. I say that, like, in 0:18:59.000 --> 0:19:02.040 the simplest term, every one of us has two kind 0:19:02.040 --> 0:19:07.040 of circuitaries of attraction and we all have them both. 0:19:07.560 --> 0:19:11.719 And a circuitry of attraction of death of deprivation is 0:19:12.000 --> 0:19:14.720 when you're attracted to someone because you're trying to get 0:19:14.760 --> 0:19:17.440 them to love you, or you're trying to get them 0:19:17.480 --> 0:19:20.720 to treat you right, and they almost love you, or 0:19:20.760 --> 0:19:24.120 they almost treat you right, or they almost can commit, 0:19:24.600 --> 0:19:28.560 but they can't. They ultimately can't. And that's a real 0:19:28.680 --> 0:19:31.560 attraction because you feel like if I can finally get 0:19:31.640 --> 0:19:34.920 this person, then that means I'm okay, and that that 0:19:34.960 --> 0:19:37.040 means I can find love. And you know, so many 0:19:37.080 --> 0:19:40.840 of us have lost years in that process. And it's 0:19:40.840 --> 0:19:44.400 a real circuitry and it feels like love because it's 0:19:44.480 --> 0:19:49.399 like almost love. And then the other circuitry, which is 0:19:49.440 --> 0:19:52.520 a different one that most of us don't even know. 0:19:53.000 --> 0:19:55.320 There's some people that really know how to find love, 0:19:55.400 --> 0:19:57.720 and they do it easily and they do it well. 0:19:57.920 --> 0:20:00.320 But for the rest of us, we need to learn 0:20:00.480 --> 0:20:04.840 about this other circuitry, and it's what I call circuitry 0:20:04.840 --> 0:20:09.399