WEBVTT - What Men Really Think About Love 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:02.480 Hey, fam I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.480 --> 0:00:05.840 Red Table Pop podcast, all your favorite episodes from the 0:00:05.840 --> 0:00:10.040 Facebook watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and 0:00:10.119 --> 0:00:13.080 I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review 0:00:13.400 --> 0:00:20.599 on Apple podcasts. You're presenting yourself as a venus. I 0:00:20.760 --> 0:00:23.000 just felt like dudes to come into the table, said no, 0:00:23.160 --> 0:00:26.759 why not have a little feminine You know, Sam, what 0:00:26.880 --> 0:00:30.080 do men really think about love? To find out? I 0:00:30.120 --> 0:00:32.440 have two friends coming to the table. Both are very 0:00:32.479 --> 0:00:36.880 talented and very different. Actor director Justin Baldoni is married 0:00:36.920 --> 0:00:39.600 with two kids, but he says it didn't come easily. 0:00:40.400 --> 0:00:43.840 And Grammy winning rapper Wile is ready for his perfect match, 0:00:44.280 --> 0:00:47.760 but as skeptical it will ever happen. Hey you two, 0:00:55.320 --> 0:00:58.360 I should have won my son glass. We're glowing. We're 0:00:58.360 --> 0:01:02.160 glowing up. It's just a energy because y'all are like 0:01:02.280 --> 0:01:04.959 the same person, but like it's not and it's like 0:01:05.280 --> 0:01:08.400 very powerful and it's like this table is like glowing, 0:01:09.480 --> 0:01:16.160 not like X men, black X woman. Thank you, we 0:01:16.240 --> 0:01:19.720 appreciate it. Today we're gonna be trying to get to 0:01:19.760 --> 0:01:25.520 an understanding of what love is about. We think we 0:01:25.600 --> 0:01:29.959 know how to love. That's the thing we think that 0:01:30.360 --> 0:01:33.319 we come into relationships. You meet somebody that you really like, 0:01:33.640 --> 0:01:36.119 and you think that person knows how to love you, 0:01:36.280 --> 0:01:38.240 and you think you know how to love them, and 0:01:38.280 --> 0:01:42.040 the truth of the matter is you have no idea. 0:01:42.319 --> 0:01:46.440 And the excruciating part about it is really learning what 0:01:46.600 --> 0:01:49.560 love is and what loves about. I recently had like 0:01:49.680 --> 0:01:54.640 like a relation, Like I really think like, uh, maybe 0:01:54.640 --> 0:02:01.480 it's time to have somebody that's about on with somebody, really, 0:02:01.760 --> 0:02:03.680 I think because I'm doing all of these things that 0:02:03.840 --> 0:02:06.360 would be funny to do with somebody that was with me. 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:09.240 I just came from Paris and like I'm like walking 0:02:09.280 --> 0:02:12.560 around the streets Paris. Why am I in Paris? Like no, 0:02:12.840 --> 0:02:15.240 like by myself? Yeah, Like what's up with me? What 0:02:15.320 --> 0:02:17.800 is it me? No? No, it is me, it's me, 0:02:18.120 --> 0:02:23.040 But it's me. It's me. There's been time that I 0:02:23.080 --> 0:02:25.000 was really, really in love and it wasn't me, and 0:02:25.040 --> 0:02:28.240 maybe that shaped it to be what I've become. I'm 0:02:28.280 --> 0:02:30.959 gonna really try to deal with the things that have 0:02:31.880 --> 0:02:34.000 messed up with and just trying to figure it out 0:02:34.000 --> 0:02:38.080 because nobody wants see nobody just what it's always by myself, 0:02:38.160 --> 0:02:43.919 like where your vampirely. I can't do that at a moment, 0:02:43.919 --> 0:02:46.600 but no, I feel you. Here's what I'll tell you, 0:02:47.720 --> 0:02:50.680 just personally. In my journey, what I had to realize 0:02:50.760 --> 0:02:54.440 was that I had to find all the peace, love 0:02:54.480 --> 0:02:58.720 and joy within my heart in order to bring it 0:02:58.760 --> 0:03:01.760 to the table to share. Will had to go away 0:03:01.840 --> 0:03:04.200 and find the peace, love and joy in his heart 0:03:04.480 --> 0:03:08.760 to share, so that that's what we share instead of 0:03:08.760 --> 0:03:12.160 our traumas from our childhood. You know, all of our 0:03:12.200 --> 0:03:15.600 insecurities and fears that we usually come to the table 0:03:15.639 --> 0:03:18.720 with in our relationships that have our partners fixed. I 0:03:18.800 --> 0:03:21.639 need you to be this thing for me so I 0:03:21.720 --> 0:03:24.440 don't feel a certain way. And what I'm gonna do 0:03:24.720 --> 0:03:28.480 is I'm gonna put so much pressure on you and 0:03:28.520 --> 0:03:32.000 find really sneaky ways to manipulate you so that you 0:03:32.080 --> 0:03:34.960 will always be the thing that I need you to 0:03:35.080 --> 0:03:39.560 be so that I'm happy. I was raising my handbook, 0:03:39.920 --> 0:03:43.960 can you run from President of Love? But um, the 0:03:44.120 --> 0:03:47.160 partnership that you're talking about, that's the goal. That's the 0:03:47.240 --> 0:03:50.440 lightly end of the tunnel I'm saying. But in my industry, 0:03:50.600 --> 0:03:53.880 a lot of times, the wealthiest, most known person in 0:03:53.880 --> 0:03:58.280 the room is usually the Loneliest. I got famous young 0:03:58.440 --> 0:04:02.520 in d C. And I's like seen how women were 0:04:02.600 --> 0:04:06.320 like acting around me, and I think it shaped how 0:04:06.360 --> 0:04:10.560 I viewed women moving forward. So I'm like, okay, like 0:04:10.680 --> 0:04:13.920 if they changed how they were acting towards you, You're 0:04:13.920 --> 0:04:16.160 talking to a rapper, and it's like, all I see 0:04:16.400 --> 0:04:20.120 is promiscuous behavior. All I see is, oh, my man 0:04:20.200 --> 0:04:22.920 played for this team and his wife cheating on him 0:04:22.960 --> 0:04:25.200 for somebody that I'm seeing this first hand. And then 0:04:25.360 --> 0:04:27.880 I fell head over hills for somebody in this industry. 0:04:28.160 --> 0:04:30.279 I've seen how vicious it can be and how gutted 0:04:30.360 --> 0:04:33.919 I was. I was never really I was never really 0:04:33.960 --> 0:04:39.000 the same our industry, entertainment, everybody moves on so fast 0:04:40.000 --> 0:04:42.760 we can't even argue. Think about that. You can't even 0:04:43.040 --> 0:04:47.320 we argue. Two days later, you on you and Grace 0:04:47.320 --> 0:04:52.400 Stone with a fourth string running back. So when you 0:04:52.440 --> 0:04:55.919 talk about girls, young ladies, any conflict, they're they're gone. 0:04:56.480 --> 0:04:59.720 So whoever's wrong, whoever's right, doesn't matter. You can't even reconcile. 0:04:59.760 --> 0:05:02.479 You're just onto the next one. Man. This is interesting 0:05:02.520 --> 0:05:05.680 because I've heard so many women say that about men, 0:05:06.360 --> 0:05:08.159 that it's not a lot of men out here that 0:05:08.320 --> 0:05:14.400 want to have relationships about relationship because relationships take work. 0:05:15.000 --> 0:05:17.200 The best description of marriage I ever got was from 0:05:17.240 --> 0:05:19.520 a good friend of mine who said, marriages to people 0:05:20.360 --> 0:05:25.520 that take a lifetime full of Yeah, they take two 0:05:25.560 --> 0:05:31.680 people and you bring your your like bags and this 0:05:31.720 --> 0:05:34.719 person brings their bags of it, and then you all 0:05:34.720 --> 0:05:36.960 put it in this front yard and that is your 0:05:36.960 --> 0:05:39.640 foundation for your house. That is, it becomes your fertilizer 0:05:39.720 --> 0:05:42.880 for which your marriage can grow. But we're not trained 0:05:42.880 --> 0:05:48.520 to think about it, right, what is love in like 0:05:48.720 --> 0:05:51.599 two sentences? Sometimes it's really hard for me to talk 0:05:51.640 --> 0:05:56.320 about it because being at a stage of where you 0:05:56.360 --> 0:06:02.760 are looking for a relationship, look for someone to create 0:06:02.800 --> 0:06:06.080 a foundation with versus someone like myself who has done 0:06:06.080 --> 0:06:12.040 it for the last five years. Because there's evolutions to it. Yeah, right, 0:06:12.279 --> 0:06:14.800 what you think is right and then when it grows 0:06:14.880 --> 0:06:18.080 to be and what you learn. So I'm twenty five 0:06:18.160 --> 0:06:23.240 years in and my concept of love is very different 0:06:23.279 --> 0:06:27.800 than with someone looking, looking for and ready for our 0:06:27.839 --> 0:06:32.440 completely different speciums. Though I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm not 0:06:32.480 --> 0:06:34.920 looking because if I'm looking, I could go I can 0:06:34.960 --> 0:06:37.280 go to that Starbucks around the corner in Calibasa what's 0:06:38.440 --> 0:06:42.640 you like? You know what I'm saying, like like that's 0:06:42.680 --> 0:06:48.080 looking ready for is like ready to love? You already 0:06:48.080 --> 0:06:51.560 ready to love. But you know what's interesting is I 0:06:51.600 --> 0:06:54.520 know a lot of men that are our age that's 0:06:54.520 --> 0:06:57.960 say they're ready, but don't necessarily back it up. And 0:06:58.000 --> 0:07:00.400 I don't think it's just in the entertainment business or whatever. 0:07:01.279 --> 0:07:03.160 And I don't think. I think everything that you talked 0:07:03.160 --> 0:07:07.400 about your experience as a celebrity is very similar to 0:07:07.440 --> 0:07:09.560 the experience that a lot of young women and men 0:07:09.600 --> 0:07:11.640 are having to disagree. Bro you know why if I 0:07:11.720 --> 0:07:13.680 take out a woman or if I'm kicking it with 0:07:13.720 --> 0:07:18.200 a girl without anything, there's a part of it that 0:07:18.400 --> 0:07:23.120 turns into an interview like they they're so unamoroued with 0:07:23.160 --> 0:07:25.440 the business that I'm in that they're not really seeing 0:07:25.520 --> 0:07:29.280 me as a person. Even you your celebrity. If you're 0:07:29.360 --> 0:07:32.560 out and you chilling, and you could tell when somebody's 0:07:32.560 --> 0:07:34.360 looking at you like a woman and when they're looking 0:07:34.400 --> 0:07:37.320 at you like a statue. Like But I think what 0:07:37.520 --> 0:07:40.200 Justice trying to say is that at the core of it, 0:07:40.360 --> 0:07:42.640 at the core of it, it's a human issue that's 0:07:42.680 --> 0:07:44.760 happening right now. And I think it's a symptom of 0:07:45.560 --> 0:07:49.800 you talked about instant gratification. Thank god tender wasn't around 0:07:49.840 --> 0:07:52.160 when I met my wife. So how did you meet 0:07:52.200 --> 0:07:55.760 your wife after a year of like just soul searching 0:07:55.840 --> 0:07:59.560 and patience and and trying to figure out my life. Coincidentally, 0:07:59.640 --> 0:08:02.640 she had under the exact same thing, and we met 0:08:02.680 --> 0:08:06.280 in the business that way. It was not easy. Yeah, 0:08:06.480 --> 0:08:11.560 nothing the dating process. But the dating process was at 0:08:11.640 --> 0:08:16.760 times like painfully horrific. My wife and I we went deep. 0:08:16.920 --> 0:08:19.760 It was uncomfortable. We realized we wanted different things. At times, 0:08:19.760 --> 0:08:21.920 we weren't sure if we were spiritually aligned. We were 0:08:22.000 --> 0:08:24.840 from completely different countries. But I jumped in and I said, 0:08:24.920 --> 0:08:27.480 this is me, these are my flaws, these are my insecurities, 0:08:27.880 --> 0:08:29.760 like this is this is all of the things that 0:08:29.800 --> 0:08:32.839 are wrong with me. And she wanted to walk away 0:08:33.120 --> 0:08:35.960 and I kept chasing her right, so there was there 0:08:36.000 --> 0:08:38.320 was a balance. She needed space. I didn't understand what 0:08:38.400 --> 0:08:41.240 space meant, which, because we worked through it ended up 0:08:41.240 --> 0:08:44.040 being the foundation of a beautiful, healthy marriage. But I 0:08:44.080 --> 0:08:48.200 have so many friends that are ready that jumped into 0:08:48.280 --> 0:08:55.320 these things and at the first sign of conflict we 0:08:55.360 --> 0:08:57.719 had but we had had a buffet. Now I don't 0:08:57.760 --> 0:09:00.240 like the broccoli. Ma, I'm gonna gospergus exactly like a 0:09:00.320 --> 0:09:03.360 spags man. I must just get to potatose. It's quick. Now, 0:09:05.400 --> 0:09:09.200 this is what what you do? Where's his camera? His camera? 0:09:10.640 --> 0:09:12.480 That's what I want you to do, because I know 0:09:12.520 --> 0:09:15.040 you're looking for love. I want to tell the camera 0:09:16.160 --> 0:09:18.480 you want and a woman. I want to hear this. 0:09:18.679 --> 0:09:20.760 That's what I actually want to hear it too. I 0:09:20.960 --> 0:09:22.920 want to hear if you even know. I want a 0:09:22.960 --> 0:09:25.440 woman to show me what I want in a woman. 0:09:25.720 --> 0:09:27.840 That's what I want. You don't know what I don't know. 0:09:27.960 --> 0:09:30.240 I want to leave it like a woman. I believe. 0:09:30.679 --> 0:09:34.240 I believe that intuition a stronger, immense period. Do you 0:09:34.320 --> 0:09:42.160 want to be to tell you what you want? Okay? 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:46.559 God be my friend for real? Like loyalty is that, 0:09:46.679 --> 0:09:50.200 like it's very important and understanding because I am not 0:09:50.280 --> 0:09:54.320 a regular man. For better or worse, my my my badest, bad, 0:09:54.679 --> 0:09:57.959 my goodest amazing. So you need someone to understand that 0:09:58.000 --> 0:10:00.400 I'm crazy pretty much right to be patient it with. 0:10:00.760 --> 0:10:03.800 You're crazy, So you want a woman. But that's loyalty. 0:10:03.880 --> 0:10:06.520 But it's also somebody who's bringing something to the table, 0:10:07.160 --> 0:10:11.720 whether emotionally or other. Right, not just somebody that's gonna 0:10:11.760 --> 0:10:14.120 be take, take take. I've been stabbing the back by 0:10:14.120 --> 0:10:16.760 people that I grew up with. So let alone somebody 0:10:16.760 --> 0:10:19.679 that I'm just meeting. Let alone as somebody that knows 0:10:19.880 --> 0:10:22.319 that there are first dates. Feels like an interview. It's 0:10:22.320 --> 0:10:26.160 an emotional desert out here. People think that love equals 0:10:26.360 --> 0:10:30.600 satiating all of their pain, the tragedies that they've been 0:10:30.600 --> 0:10:34.000 through in their life. It's like a little puzzle how 0:10:34.040 --> 0:10:37.559 you're supposed to satiate even from daddy issues, from being 0:10:37.640 --> 0:10:40.560 left to abandoned. But here's the thing. It's it's the 0:10:40.640 --> 0:10:44.280 facade of love too, and the sacrifice when you when 0:10:44.320 --> 0:10:47.079 you leave someone and continue to love them, the sacrifices 0:10:47.160 --> 0:10:49.080 each of you have to make. Nobody mentions that part. 0:10:49.160 --> 0:10:56.359 Let me tell you sacrifice, the deterioration and the dissolving 0:10:56.360 --> 0:11:01.920 of fantasies. That's the real and idealist elaborate. So you 0:11:02.120 --> 0:11:07.880 right now, having your mind you're perfect woman, okay, and 0:11:07.880 --> 0:11:10.280 when you find that woman, she's going to be a 0:11:10.280 --> 0:11:13.559 goddess to you. But here's the thing. I always feel 0:11:13.559 --> 0:11:15.760 like we fall in love with the goddess or the 0:11:15.880 --> 0:11:20.040 god within that person. And then when we actually meet 0:11:20.080 --> 0:11:22.720 the human being, then we got to learn how to 0:11:22.800 --> 0:11:25.920 love that one. And this is when the reason why 0:11:25.960 --> 0:11:29.240 it's so important to me to be able to stick 0:11:29.280 --> 0:11:33.400 it out is because to really get to the true 0:11:33.520 --> 0:11:37.679 meaning of love, in my opinion, it is unconditional. It 0:11:37.720 --> 0:11:40.680 has to be because we are all too flall like, 0:11:40.800 --> 0:11:43.959 it can't be matter how much work we do, no 0:11:44.000 --> 0:11:47.480 matter how much, it never ends, it never it ends 0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:50.240 the day that we leave this planet exactly. Why about 0:11:50.280 --> 0:11:53.160 somebody has learns your buttons right, and like now they 0:11:53.200 --> 0:11:55.840 get up their rocks off by pushing every single one 0:11:55.840 --> 0:11:58.240 of them. You gotta go, you gotta go because this 0:11:58.280 --> 0:12:00.839 person has learned me for the wrong. You're gonna be 0:12:00.920 --> 0:12:03.120 with somebody. They're gonna learn, they're gonna learn with the push. Regardless, 0:12:03.600 --> 0:12:05.280 some people use it for the worst. Some people like, oh, 0:12:05.320 --> 0:12:07.920 I know his buttons. But let me tell you something. 0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:12.280 That's the stuff you gotta work here. That's it. Yeah, 0:12:12.360 --> 0:12:15.480 that's that's not that's not there's nothing that's that's not 0:12:15.679 --> 0:12:19.040 blissful about that. But who said that Relationships and love 0:12:19.080 --> 0:12:21.520 and marriage why you always be See this is the 0:12:21.640 --> 0:12:28.400 misconception right here. Answer, I would let you. It's a 0:12:28.480 --> 0:12:32.000 spiritual endeavor. That's the whole thing. I have to look 0:12:32.000 --> 0:12:36.040 at my trauma and you're pushing my buttons. That's making 0:12:36.080 --> 0:12:37.760 me look at my trauma and what I need to 0:12:37.800 --> 0:12:41.520 work on and clean up your old stuff, you know 0:12:41.559 --> 0:12:45.880 what I mean? Because why? But what can I tell you? 0:12:46.040 --> 0:12:51.320 Like everybody, that's that's an opportunity for you to work 0:12:51.440 --> 0:12:54.000 on you. It's not. I'm always working on me. I 0:12:54.040 --> 0:12:56.400 always come for her to work on her too. I 0:12:56.440 --> 0:13:01.920 feel like this is an intervention now listen. Intervention no, no, 0:13:03.160 --> 0:13:09.840 Because you know, relationships mirror they show us ourselves. I mean, 0:13:09.880 --> 0:13:12.959 that's what I've learned. And typically the things that you 0:13:13.640 --> 0:13:16.520 don't like about somebody or things that you don't like 0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:21.839 about yourself, that's it. Though you better preach game. I'm 0:13:21.840 --> 0:13:25.160 although numb to all that because of what I've seen 0:13:25.320 --> 0:13:28.040 in my career, in my life. Like when I feel 0:13:28.040 --> 0:13:30.160 like you're starting to press these buttons to get something 0:13:30.240 --> 0:13:33.160 from you getting my shut now, I totally can I 0:13:33.200 --> 0:13:35.080 get that because I think that we have two options. 0:13:35.120 --> 0:13:37.480 When you're in a relationship, you can look at things 0:13:37.480 --> 0:13:40.640 through the lens of fear, or you can look at 0:13:40.679 --> 0:13:43.760 things through the lens of love. And I think that 0:13:43.880 --> 0:13:46.280 every decision we make in a relationship can be boiled 0:13:46.280 --> 0:13:48.920 down to going down one of those two paths, either 0:13:49.200 --> 0:13:52.360 a fearful reaction that comes from a place of lack 0:13:52.400 --> 0:13:55.560 that comes from could be anything, or love which is 0:13:55.600 --> 0:13:57.760 like I'm going to hold that, or I'm going to 0:13:57.880 --> 0:13:59.880 respond to that in a way that isn't my own 0:14:00.000 --> 0:14:01.959 stoff from my own fear and what I realized in 0:14:02.000 --> 0:14:04.240 my own marriage, because I can only speak for myself 0:14:04.240 --> 0:14:05.760 and what I've witnessed. My parents been married for thirt 0:14:05.800 --> 0:14:08.559 or five years and by the way, like their marriage 0:14:08.600 --> 0:14:11.360 wasn't perfect either. And I got to see that when 0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:13.080 when in your life that you start to realize that 0:14:13.120 --> 0:14:15.520 your parents marriage had an effect on like you as 0:14:15.520 --> 0:14:18.559 a man, because maybe I never saw my parents. I 0:14:18.600 --> 0:14:21.040 never I'm not during both my parents Nigerian, and I 0:14:21.080 --> 0:14:24.640 grew up very, very Nigernant. My mother was always gone, 0:14:24.680 --> 0:14:27.400 my father was always driving cabs. So a lot of 0:14:27.400 --> 0:14:30.440 it come from TV hyper difference, Like you know what 0:14:30.440 --> 0:14:32.840 I'm saying, Like you you can you can watch Martin 0:14:33.320 --> 0:14:35.480 and and and trying to understand what the relationship is 0:14:35.520 --> 0:14:37.520 like when you get older and then you go home 0:14:37.600 --> 0:14:39.800 and you don't see your parents even hug nothing. I'm honey, 0:14:39.840 --> 0:14:42.520 I'm home, but this this, honey, I'm home, shout the mother. 0:14:42.560 --> 0:14:44.720 I don't know this, and to see come home. It's 0:14:44.760 --> 0:14:46.680 like a business almost you know what I'm saying. Any 0:14:46.760 --> 0:14:49.160 not geriant person that's watching this right now, understand, like 0:14:49.520 --> 0:14:51.760 we love our parents. We love our parents to death. 0:14:52.120 --> 0:14:55.080 Do anything for my mother's so father's. We don't know 0:14:55.120 --> 0:14:58.160 the dynamic between both of them. We don't know this 0:14:58.560 --> 0:15:04.120 dynamic th generations at one table. No way, it's don't happen. 0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:08.560 And like we're not friends per se with our parents. 0:15:08.720 --> 0:15:10.400 I could count on one hand how many times I've 0:15:10.440 --> 0:15:12.040 even heard them say I love you tow each other, 0:15:12.200 --> 0:15:14.800 let alone me. But you know, but that's a huge 0:15:14.880 --> 0:15:18.960 thing because I didn't realize that. But I certain I was, like, yo, 0:15:20.000 --> 0:15:22.200 now I understand why I have this like weirdness with 0:15:22.400 --> 0:15:26.080 like you know, trust and emotion and listening and all 0:15:26.080 --> 0:15:28.120 of these things. But that's the whole thing. Let's say 0:15:28.160 --> 0:15:31.600 you met a woman, right and you told her that story. 0:15:31.960 --> 0:15:35.240 I'm not I'm not good with love because I know 0:15:35.280 --> 0:15:37.680 I was never taught by my dad how to express 0:15:37.720 --> 0:15:40.840 it because I never even saw them kiss like right then, 0:15:40.840 --> 0:15:43.880 and there would make a difference right there for women 0:15:43.920 --> 0:15:50.040 that are watching you just not because like like that. 0:15:50.200 --> 0:15:51.880 Let me just let me just man the man. Then 0:15:51.920 --> 0:15:55.600 just tell you something. It is so beautiful to see 0:15:55.600 --> 0:15:59.080 another guy, especially in your situation as a rapper, be 0:15:59.160 --> 0:16:03.640 willing to be that vulnerable you just said. Look at 0:16:03.640 --> 0:16:07.160 how imperfect and flawed I am. Here's all my yeah, 0:16:07.240 --> 0:16:09.440 and that is the best place to start to look 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:12.200 for love. But sometimes I like to keep that, like 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:14.560 I know that I'm so damaged in some ways. I 0:16:14.600 --> 0:16:16.400 don't want to bring that to nobody. Crib, I want 0:16:16.400 --> 0:16:19.000 to bring it to nobody, But you're doing it anyway. 0:16:19.600 --> 0:16:22.040 If I kind of keep it, we all do it. 0:16:22.120 --> 0:16:25.120 There's no way around it. I grew up in a 0:16:25.200 --> 0:16:30.479 single parent home. I didn't see all the time healthy relationships. 0:16:30.520 --> 0:16:32.640 I had to figure it out too. I came to 0:16:32.720 --> 0:16:34.400 the table with a lot of pain. I came to 0:16:34.400 --> 0:16:36.640 the table with a lot of brokenness, and most of all, 0:16:36.680 --> 0:16:39.920 I came to the table with some hardcore daddy issues 0:16:41.240 --> 0:16:45.480 and it made me really angry towards men. I had 0:16:45.640 --> 0:16:49.800 very high expectations so it really it was hard. I 0:16:49.840 --> 0:16:52.920 could have ended up with all kinds of dudes the 0:16:53.040 --> 0:16:56.320 way I ended up with Will. I had to change 0:16:56.440 --> 0:16:59.880 my whole perspective because I want you to know something. 0:17:00.120 --> 0:17:03.720 He was not the due, right, but I had to 0:17:03.840 --> 0:17:07.080 change that. I can't ask somebody to be for me 0:17:08.200 --> 0:17:10.080 what I'm not willing to be for them. And what 0:17:10.200 --> 0:17:13.159 I realized that my partnership with Will was that I 0:17:13.200 --> 0:17:14.879 was asking him to be a lot of things for 0:17:14.920 --> 0:17:18.320 me that I wasn't willing to do for me. Let's heavy, 0:17:18.960 --> 0:17:23.520 and sometimes one person's trauma like triggers the other person's trauma, 0:17:23.880 --> 0:17:25.600 and you get into this circle where no one can 0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:27.639 listen to each other. And that's something that nobody ever 0:17:27.640 --> 0:17:30.359 talks about sides, and that was something that my wife 0:17:30.359 --> 0:17:32.680 and I dealt with right at the beginning of our 0:17:33.000 --> 0:17:38.679 relationship and marriage. My insecurities triggered hers yes, and then 0:17:38.720 --> 0:17:41.719 at that point it's so easy to leave because you're like, well, 0:17:41.760 --> 0:17:45.240 we're clearly not compatible, right, what was it about her 0:17:45.320 --> 0:17:48.639 that made you want to pursue her? I think it 0:17:48.760 --> 0:17:54.320 was us together. There was a deep knowing. Right even 0:17:54.359 --> 0:17:56.520 when my ego acted up and said I should leave, 0:17:56.960 --> 0:17:59.919 I couldn't. And I'll be very honest, before we got married, 0:18:00.119 --> 0:18:01.760 there was a part of me that, right before we 0:18:01.800 --> 0:18:05.080 got married, questioned it and I went, am I really 0:18:05.080 --> 0:18:07.479 ready to settle down? I started calling my friends. I 0:18:07.520 --> 0:18:09.560 wasn't sure, and my friends were all like, you're being 0:18:09.600 --> 0:18:11.480 an idiot right now, and they told me the truth 0:18:11.520 --> 0:18:13.480 and they said, this is your ego talking in The 0:18:13.520 --> 0:18:16.439 second I got past that, I found the knowing again 0:18:16.840 --> 0:18:18.359 and I was like, yeah, this is my person. So 0:18:18.440 --> 0:18:21.639 no matter how painful it was, there was something that 0:18:21.840 --> 0:18:25.159 told me to just stay and to just be steady, 0:18:25.480 --> 0:18:27.679 even when I was going through and sobbing in my 0:18:27.800 --> 0:18:30.200 room all night long. And I'm saying that because I 0:18:30.240 --> 0:18:32.639 want everybody to know that, Like you look at my instagram, 0:18:32.720 --> 0:18:34.640 you see all of us happy, but I'm very very 0:18:34.640 --> 0:18:38.120 clear that there was so much more to marriage than 0:18:38.280 --> 0:18:43.160 just the smiling photos at the beach and look, I'm 0:18:43.200 --> 0:18:48.239 telling you that. Then several occasions okay where you just 0:18:48.359 --> 0:18:53.880 had enough and you want to leave and I just couldn't. Oh, 0:18:53.960 --> 0:18:57.679 we'll just couldn't because we knew this is what is 0:18:57.720 --> 0:19:00.440 meant to be, this partnership, no matter what the form 0:19:00.440 --> 0:19:02.639 it is. You know, because we've had to redefine it, 0:19:02.760 --> 0:19:06.359 reform it, you know, change it. We don't call ourselves 0:19:06.440 --> 0:19:09.399 married anymore. We're in a life partnership. Just did you 0:19:09.440 --> 0:19:15.480 see that in your parents? I definitely did what you are. 0:19:15.720 --> 0:19:18.440 I mean, I would just be in the room while 0:19:18.480 --> 0:19:21.680 they were debating about whatever it is about the world 0:19:21.800 --> 0:19:25.320 or their emotions or the environment or politics or whatever 0:19:25.359 --> 0:19:28.080 it was, and I would just always be there watching 0:19:28.119 --> 0:19:32.000 them and how they talked to each other, watching how 0:19:32.080 --> 0:19:36.679 they agreed to disagree. And at the end, it's like, 0:19:36.680 --> 0:19:39.600 you know what, we're not right or wrong and I 0:19:39.680 --> 0:19:43.919 allow you your opinion exactly. And I feel like watching 0:19:43.960 --> 0:19:47.040 that over and over again just kind of solidified this 0:19:47.160 --> 0:19:50.679 idea of like, it's really not about right and wrong, 0:19:51.000 --> 0:19:56.320 it's about understanding. And once you understand somebody and how 0:19:56.359 --> 0:20:00.680 they're feeling and what their view is, you can move 0:20:00.880 --> 0:20:06.919 on with more ease because you have that understanding. But 0:20:06.960 --> 0:20:09.840 those are the steps towards love. Those are the steps 0:20:09.880 --> 0:20:17.440 towards really building love. And it's so freaking difficult and 0:20:17.600 --> 0:20:22.879 so freaking excruciating, and sometimes you think it's not love, 0:20:23.720 --> 0:20:26.680 but it is. If you watch this back, it all 0:20:26.800 --> 0:20:32.320 sounds so painful. Every time. I think, let's let's listen. 0:20:32.720 --> 0:20:34.800 I don't want to see this movie. I get it, 0:20:34.880 --> 0:20:36.760 but I love it. I just think that I love 0:20:36.840 --> 0:20:38.719 is supposed to be like this big like Okay, I understand, 0:20:38.760 --> 0:20:40.560 you know what I'm saying. I mean, you're You're my balance, 0:20:40.600 --> 0:20:43.040 You're my you're my anchor, You're my all the things 0:20:43.040 --> 0:20:45.919 that you say at the at the altar. Why can't 0:20:45.960 --> 0:20:52.600 that be the one entity that is bringing you joy. 0:20:53.840 --> 0:20:56.240 You don't have to work to get it. I'm scared 0:20:56.280 --> 0:21:00.480 now you should then you should be scaring. Big question 0:21:01.000 --> 0:21:04.040 right now? Is it worth it? It's worth it, It's 0:21:04.119 --> 0:21:08.959 worth it, It's absolutely worth it. Why Why? Because at 0:21:09.000 --> 0:21:10.959 the end of the day, to know that you have 0:21:11.280 --> 0:21:15.920 another person that can love you for all that you are. 0:21:16.600 --> 0:21:21.919 Will has loved me through the worst of myself, and 0:21:22.000 --> 0:21:25.240 I have done the same. And when somebody can love 0:21:25.320 --> 0:21:29.919 you in that way, it makes your faith in the 0:21:29.960 --> 0:21:33.040 world come together, in the way of which is like 0:21:33.520 --> 0:21:38.040 I am this is in all is well. I'm forty 0:21:38.119 --> 0:21:40.359 seven years old, and I want you to know that 0:21:40.440 --> 0:21:44.280 this is probably the first year of my life that 0:21:44.400 --> 0:21:51.119 I can say I am happy. Hm m hmm, because 0:21:51.160 --> 0:21:54.240 that's how long the journey has been so that journey 0:21:54.400 --> 0:21:56.560 isn't Is it too bumpy for some people? I get 0:21:56.720 --> 0:21:59.520 let me tell you that's real talk. But here's the 0:21:59.560 --> 0:22:02.480 one thing I want you to see. Two. You are 0:22:02.760 --> 0:22:06.160 learning how to love. When you think about all that 0:22:06.240 --> 0:22:09.679 conflict that you have within your spirit, it's almost like 0:22:09.760 --> 0:22:14.840 being in kindergarten of love and you want to get 0:22:14.880 --> 0:22:18.800 to like a pH d. It's like climbing a mountain. 0:22:20.080 --> 0:22:22.639 It's like do the work and then you see the beauty. Yeah, 0:22:22.840 --> 0:22:27.880 please hear that. Yeah, thank you for beauty. I want 0:22:27.880 --> 0:22:30.320 to thank you guys for this conversation. This is one 0:22:30.320 --> 0:22:33.080 of the most interesting red tables I've ever been to. 0:22:34.040 --> 0:22:36.040 It's like almost going to see a shrink on camera 0:22:36.720 --> 0:22:46.919 five wallet the ultimate, like god, oh man. Somebody that 0:22:47.160 --> 0:23:00.399 that's working to join the Red Table Talk family and 0:23:00.440 --> 0:23:03.440 become a part of the conversation. Follow us at facebook 0:23:03.480 --> 0:23:06.840 dot com slash red table Talk. Thanks for listening to 0:23:06.880 --> 0:23:10.639 this episode of Red Table Talk podcast produced by Facebook Watch, 0:23:10.840 --> 0:23:13.119 Westbrook Audio, and I Heart Radio.