WEBVTT - Where's My Dad? 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.159 Welcome to Can't Fully Reckless, the production of iHeart Radio 0:00:03.279 --> 0:00:16.720 and the black Effects, and just like that we on 0:00:16.880 --> 0:00:20.279 the air. Welcome back to yet another carefully reckless episode 0:00:20.280 --> 0:00:23.240 with your girl. Jeffs hilarious, so we got voice notes. 0:00:23.720 --> 0:00:26.360 I'm happy, y'all know this gets me happy every single 0:00:26.360 --> 0:00:30.520 freaking time. Although y'all have been providing me with these 0:00:30.640 --> 0:00:34.960 long stories and y'all have improved on y'all punctuation, so 0:00:35.040 --> 0:00:37.640 I ain't gonna lie. I'll take it. I'll take it 0:00:37.680 --> 0:00:39.560 for what it is. Y'all. Thank you so very much. 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:42.520 All right, but we're gonna jump straight in here we are. 0:00:43.320 --> 0:00:45.960 What's up, Jess. I'm trying to get you to fix 0:00:46.040 --> 0:00:49.080 this mess. First of all, before I pull from you, 0:00:49.120 --> 0:00:50.680 I want to make sure I pull into you and 0:00:50.720 --> 0:00:53.560 let you know how grateful I am for this platform 0:00:53.600 --> 0:00:57.360 that you have provided, you know, in this safe space 0:00:57.400 --> 0:01:00.440 for us to get our shit off. I'm a little 0:01:00.440 --> 0:01:03.640 heavy for you. It's not really in alignment with a 0:01:03.640 --> 0:01:06.679 lot of the topics that I hear and you know, 0:01:06.760 --> 0:01:09.480 piece and blessings to them, but this one may be 0:01:09.520 --> 0:01:12.959 a little different for you. It may not. But I'm adopted. 0:01:14.080 --> 0:01:16.000 I found out I was adopted two weeks before my 0:01:16.040 --> 0:01:18.760 senior year of high school. I am right now in 0:01:18.840 --> 0:01:22.839 my thirties and that one't around the corner or nothing 0:01:22.880 --> 0:01:25.200 like that, but it just feels like yesterday. You feel me. 0:01:26.200 --> 0:01:28.319 So I found out that my mom and my dad 0:01:28.400 --> 0:01:31.560 wasn't my real mom and my dad, and that just 0:01:31.640 --> 0:01:34.600 changed my world. It flipped my world like upside down. 0:01:35.520 --> 0:01:38.800 I know that I hear a lot about people being 0:01:38.840 --> 0:01:42.800 adopted and the unfortunate circumstances behind that, with Falster care, 0:01:43.520 --> 0:01:48.440 being in the system, being outside on their own, not 0:01:48.560 --> 0:01:53.520 having nobody around nobody. You feel me. And I always 0:01:53.560 --> 0:01:59.080 thought that my story wasn't a priority because I've never 0:01:59.120 --> 0:02:02.040 been in those types of situations. But when I found 0:02:02.040 --> 0:02:05.040 out I was adopted, I was seventeen years old, and 0:02:05.080 --> 0:02:09.280 it just it flipped my world. Before then, I was 0:02:09.280 --> 0:02:13.120 on a I was being groomed for academic success, grew 0:02:13.200 --> 0:02:17.720 up in after schools, very my parents were worked in 0:02:17.720 --> 0:02:20.880 the government. Back then. It was like upper middle class. 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:23.799 That was that was the class living in Washington, DC, 0:02:23.960 --> 0:02:26.320 born and raised, and I can hear it. You know, 0:02:26.360 --> 0:02:28.920 I couldn't really compare. I had my growing parents because 0:02:29.440 --> 0:02:31.760 you know, I thought they were my parents. So I 0:02:31.840 --> 0:02:34.560 just thought that's what came with being the kid growing up. 0:02:35.040 --> 0:02:38.120 But after that day when they told me, you know, 0:02:38.160 --> 0:02:40.360 I lost myself. I forgot who I was supposed to be. 0:02:40.400 --> 0:02:42.960 I forgot what I was supposed to do in life. 0:02:43.240 --> 0:02:46.360 And about I say, about three four years from that, 0:02:46.960 --> 0:02:49.880 I met my mom, my biological family. Should I say 0:02:49.880 --> 0:02:55.519 I found out that I was I'm one of nine siblings. 0:02:56.880 --> 0:02:59.359 I'm not the oldest, second oldest, or third oldest. I'm 0:02:59.400 --> 0:03:01.440 the fourth old this and I am the only one 0:03:01.520 --> 0:03:05.840 that was sent away for adoption and put up for adoption. 0:03:05.919 --> 0:03:09.160 Should I say my mom? The story is she ran 0:03:09.200 --> 0:03:15.200 away from Philly to I guess my grandmother wanted to 0:03:15.240 --> 0:03:18.480 have an abortion and she ran away. Shout out to her. 0:03:18.680 --> 0:03:21.120 You know what I'm saying. But in the midst of that, 0:03:21.560 --> 0:03:25.280 I was asking about my dad, and I'm like, well, 0:03:26.080 --> 0:03:28.720 my dad will my adopted father asks first on the 0:03:28.800 --> 0:03:31.519 first meeting, you know, we had set it up complic 0:03:31.639 --> 0:03:36.560 charities have found a way to bring us together much 0:03:36.600 --> 0:03:40.880 gratitude than them. But he had asked my grandmother and 0:03:40.920 --> 0:03:44.800 my mother, you know who your dad, who my father was, 0:03:45.480 --> 0:03:47.440 And it gave you some like contexts. My dad is 0:03:47.560 --> 0:03:49.360 kind of like an alpha male, not kind of like 0:03:49.400 --> 0:03:53.600 he is an alpha male marine from the country. A 0:03:53.600 --> 0:03:57.520 man's man, you know. He cut dry, he ain't no emotion, 0:03:59.520 --> 0:04:03.200 tell it like it is, you know. And he wanted 0:04:03.240 --> 0:04:06.600 to know who he was, and they say they didn't know. 0:04:07.720 --> 0:04:10.040 So I've known him now for about like ten ten 0:04:10.040 --> 0:04:14.240 eleven years, and throughout that process, you know, I had 0:04:14.240 --> 0:04:16.120 gotten closer to my mom. I was the one that, 0:04:16.279 --> 0:04:18.240 you know, went up there to visit all the time 0:04:18.920 --> 0:04:22.160 to show love, and my adopted father would always be like, 0:04:22.560 --> 0:04:25.200 chill out. You know what I'm saying, hold back your love, 0:04:25.240 --> 0:04:28.880 don't go up there. You know, you gotta understand where 0:04:28.880 --> 0:04:31.440 you come from. The whole tea, I was trying to 0:04:31.480 --> 0:04:34.479 figure out where I really came from because I didn't know. 0:04:34.560 --> 0:04:37.800 It felt like I had been living a lie, you know. 0:04:38.040 --> 0:04:42.640 So they say they didn't know. I always been asking them, like, 0:04:42.760 --> 0:04:45.520 you know, my dad talking to my siblings. Everybody else 0:04:45.600 --> 0:04:48.080 knew who their father was, so I just I could 0:04:48.080 --> 0:04:52.560 not really pinpoint why nobody knows who my dad is. 0:04:53.240 --> 0:04:55.640 But I left it alone because I came with open arms, 0:04:56.480 --> 0:04:58.640 me saying, my mom and my dad the ones that 0:04:59.720 --> 0:05:03.120 create me. It's a level of respect that I have 0:05:03.279 --> 0:05:06.080 for them, even though things turned out the way it did, 0:05:06.200 --> 0:05:08.040 even though they made the decision to do what they 0:05:08.080 --> 0:05:11.280 needed to do, or however however it was back then. 0:05:11.320 --> 0:05:16.520 I don't know, but I've come to learn that although 0:05:16.560 --> 0:05:20.719 I tried to dismiss it, it still bothers me. You know, 0:05:20.760 --> 0:05:23.800 I still want to know more. I still as much 0:05:23.800 --> 0:05:25.520 as I want to act like I don't care and 0:05:25.640 --> 0:05:28.480 not so much don't care, but it's nothing that I 0:05:28.560 --> 0:05:30.800 can get from. It's something, and my soul tells me 0:05:32.360 --> 0:05:34.599 that it's some more information. It always told me that, 0:05:34.680 --> 0:05:36.520 but it was just it was something out did. This 0:05:36.640 --> 0:05:41.760 didn't make sense. So around the pandemic, you know, everything 0:05:41.880 --> 0:05:47.920 was on the open truth, the lies. You know, it 0:05:48.040 --> 0:05:50.080 was a lot of spiritual information out there, and if 0:05:50.080 --> 0:05:53.160 you tapped in, you caught the beat. So one of 0:05:53.200 --> 0:05:55.839 the beasts that I caught mom, I caught my mom, 0:05:55.960 --> 0:05:58.520 my birth mom. One night, I cut her up on 0:05:58.560 --> 0:06:02.600 the FaceTime and she started talking about her father and 0:06:02.640 --> 0:06:05.240 this was like some information that I never heard. She 0:06:05.279 --> 0:06:10.560 never really talked about her past or whoever. And I 0:06:10.600 --> 0:06:12.599 felt like it was the perfect moment for me to 0:06:13.600 --> 0:06:16.640 post a question again, like where my dad at Because 0:06:16.640 --> 0:06:19.200 at this point in time, I'm kind of telling I'm 0:06:19.240 --> 0:06:21.919 bracing myself and telling myself, you know, happy birthday to 0:06:22.000 --> 0:06:23.920 my dad and rest the peace of my dad, all 0:06:23.960 --> 0:06:27.800 at the same time, all in the same breath. So 0:06:27.880 --> 0:06:29.200 it was just still on my heart to know who 0:06:29.240 --> 0:06:32.840 this guy was. So she started to elaborate a little bit, 0:06:32.920 --> 0:06:36.280 and the way she elaborated was if he was around 0:06:36.360 --> 0:06:39.359 when she ran away. The story for me always starts 0:06:39.600 --> 0:06:42.520 when she ran away from Philly to DC, you know 0:06:42.560 --> 0:06:46.400 what I'm saying, And she gave me like a nickname, 0:06:46.920 --> 0:06:50.279 but she didn't when I went to ask her about 0:06:50.520 --> 0:06:53.440 who that name was that I've never heard, she kind 0:06:53.440 --> 0:06:55.320 of snapped out of it and got off the phone, 0:06:55.360 --> 0:06:57.520 you know, that type of time. So I was just 0:06:57.600 --> 0:06:59.360 left with that. But it felt like a little piece 0:06:59.360 --> 0:07:02.200 that I was getting closer, that I wasn't tripping to 0:07:02.400 --> 0:07:04.839 keep trying to be adamant, like who my dad is. 0:07:05.680 --> 0:07:09.760 So one day I'm at work, my grandmother calls. Now 0:07:09.760 --> 0:07:12.120 we didn't have that type of relationship where she called, 0:07:12.720 --> 0:07:14.600 you know, if I can't pop up in the city 0:07:15.200 --> 0:07:17.600 and I seen her. You know, it was the grandmother love, 0:07:17.720 --> 0:07:20.960 but it wasn't like the relationship that I over here 0:07:21.040 --> 0:07:23.880 like my other siblings have, or my one boy cousin 0:07:23.960 --> 0:07:26.360 he got real close with. It wasn't that or how 0:07:26.360 --> 0:07:30.120 the relationship was with my grandmother, my adoptive grandmother, my 0:07:30.560 --> 0:07:36.160 mother's mother, my adopter's mother's mother. So she called me 0:07:36.440 --> 0:07:38.400 and I mentioned to her about the conversation that I 0:07:38.440 --> 0:07:42.600 have with my mom. So she goes into a story 0:07:42.680 --> 0:07:46.880 that like absolutely blows my mom. And I don't want 0:07:46.920 --> 0:07:50.600 to get cut off. But one day she was at 0:07:50.640 --> 0:07:53.960 the bar in Philly and her homegirls. It's my grandmother, 0:07:54.040 --> 0:07:56.680 So I'm thinking she's probably like in her thirties, her 0:07:56.720 --> 0:07:59.400 early thirties, like my age around that time or something 0:07:59.440 --> 0:08:05.000 like that, and her good, good girlfriends told her that 0:08:05.040 --> 0:08:09.239 there was some dude talking about my mother, her daughter 0:08:09.320 --> 0:08:13.400 at the time, her minor daughter at the time, and 0:08:13.560 --> 0:08:16.840 my grandmother ain't like what the people were telling her, 0:08:16.880 --> 0:08:19.040 so she popped off at the bar and tried to 0:08:19.080 --> 0:08:22.480 shoot him. He said she shot at him. She said 0:08:22.520 --> 0:08:25.520 she shot at him three times. She missed though, but 0:08:25.640 --> 0:08:29.320 she shot at him. So when I hear that story, 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:33.760 I'm like, Damn, I'm a bit taken back. I'm taking 0:08:33.800 --> 0:08:37.319 him back because I'm finally hearing something about my dad. 0:08:38.000 --> 0:08:41.240 But I'm also taking back like, damn, that's not no 0:08:41.360 --> 0:08:45.560 story you ever forget. And I have been asking you, 0:08:45.800 --> 0:08:49.120 I been asking everybody what's up with my dad? Like 0:08:49.160 --> 0:08:51.240 I don't care what type of man he is? Where 0:08:51.280 --> 0:08:53.240 he ain't in an alley. If he in an alley, 0:08:53.280 --> 0:08:55.200 we go get him, you know what I'm saying. If 0:08:55.200 --> 0:08:57.439 he at the jail, we go visit him. If he 0:08:57.600 --> 0:08:59.160 you know what I'm saying. If he up, We're gonna 0:08:59.200 --> 0:09:01.400 try to go see up with him and let him know. 0:09:01.480 --> 0:09:03.600 It's just all love. But I just wanted to know 0:09:03.640 --> 0:09:07.160 who my pops was. And you can't tell me that 0:09:07.240 --> 0:09:11.440 it's not fucked up that you wanna tell me your 0:09:11.520 --> 0:09:15.720 story like this, as if you never as something you forgot. 0:09:16.000 --> 0:09:18.360 Now you may have forced yourself to forget because it's 0:09:18.920 --> 0:09:20.560 something you don't want to think about that. I know 0:09:20.600 --> 0:09:23.440 you in your old age, lady, and you you know 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:25.760 you in your Bible and all of this, and you're 0:09:25.800 --> 0:09:29.320 trying to get right before your days are however, yo, 0:09:29.720 --> 0:09:31.560 But I've been looked at for my dad and just 0:09:31.600 --> 0:09:33.720 the way that I opened my arms with no questions 0:09:33.720 --> 0:09:36.319 of why I'm Why am I the only one that 0:09:36.400 --> 0:09:41.360 got adopted? What was up with me? Why me? I 0:09:41.480 --> 0:09:44.480 never posed that? And also I ain't really had time 0:09:44.559 --> 0:09:46.480 because I was so broken in the fact that the 0:09:46.520 --> 0:09:49.760 people that I've been with and look like they not 0:09:49.840 --> 0:09:53.360 even my real parents and everybody else know before me. 0:09:53.520 --> 0:09:56.160 Everybody knew but me that type time, So I ain't 0:09:56.160 --> 0:09:59.120 really had time to try to go back on them 0:09:59.480 --> 0:10:03.199 on those I'm healing. I'm trying to heal. I'm growing. 0:10:04.120 --> 0:10:07.400 I had to make some mistakes through self sabosage. You 0:10:07.400 --> 0:10:09.959 know what I'm saying, doubt myself. I lost myself. I 0:10:09.960 --> 0:10:13.440 ain't never get in trouble go Obama. You know where 0:10:13.440 --> 0:10:15.920 I like, really hurt myself where I can't come back. 0:10:16.400 --> 0:10:17.439 You know what I'm saying. I want to try and 0:10:17.520 --> 0:10:20.240 hurt myself, kill my soul. But I felt some type 0:10:20.280 --> 0:10:23.880 of way, but my heart wouldn't allow me to have 0:10:24.000 --> 0:10:28.080 my fleshy feelings about this circumstance. Up. 0:10:28.120 --> 0:10:30.040 Hold up, I know this shit getting good, But listen 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:31.960 to just a couple of seconds of a commercial. 0:10:32.000 --> 0:10:36.560 If you love me, you'll listen, so fast forward. 0:10:37.880 --> 0:10:46.160 I It's okay. 0:10:46.960 --> 0:10:50.640 I found something, you know, I found a lump on 0:10:50.679 --> 0:10:53.920 my breast, just a little something. At the time, it 0:10:53.960 --> 0:10:57.880 was just a little lump, and by me going to 0:10:57.920 --> 0:11:00.800 the doctor and stuff, that question kept th that was, 0:11:01.200 --> 0:11:03.200 you know your medical history? Do you know your family 0:11:03.240 --> 0:11:06.160 medical history? And I'm like, I kept just saying I 0:11:06.200 --> 0:11:08.240 don't know, I don't know. I feel so ignorant, just 0:11:08.240 --> 0:11:12.680 being like, I don't know. But ever since my grandmother 0:11:12.760 --> 0:11:16.400 told me that I haven't spoken to them, I just 0:11:16.480 --> 0:11:20.400 cut off all communication because the next thing that I 0:11:20.400 --> 0:11:24.320 have to say to my mom is something. It will 0:11:24.360 --> 0:11:26.760 be presented in a way that she's not used to, 0:11:27.760 --> 0:11:31.480 not by anger, not by verbal attack, nothing like that. 0:11:31.559 --> 0:11:33.880 But just like the questions, and I have more and 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:36.240 more questions, I have combound. The questions are why me 0:11:36.800 --> 0:11:39.320 and all that's gonna come out, and I know it is, 0:11:39.400 --> 0:11:43.120 but at this point in time, I have a medical 0:11:43.320 --> 0:11:45.679 issue that's causing me to ask questions or why I 0:11:45.720 --> 0:11:49.400 don't know my medical history? Like I'm fine, I'm good, 0:11:50.160 --> 0:11:53.679 but if something else supposed to come up. You need 0:11:53.720 --> 0:11:56.600 to notice. You can't look at your adopted parents because 0:11:56.600 --> 0:12:00.199 they medical history don't matter. You can't you can't look 0:12:00.200 --> 0:12:03.120 at nobody that you've been around all your life, that's 0:12:03.120 --> 0:12:06.559 been family all your life, and get that piece of information. 0:12:07.920 --> 0:12:11.800 So what I'm asking you, Jess, is because I refuse to. 0:12:13.080 --> 0:12:16.800 I I've been holding on not calling them because I 0:12:16.840 --> 0:12:20.079 don't want to. I ain't never been that type of 0:12:20.120 --> 0:12:24.880 person in that bag, never, never, and I don't have 0:12:24.960 --> 0:12:28.000 none to say to them. But I know that the 0:12:28.200 --> 0:12:30.680 mature thing for me and my health is to know 0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:32.720 this type of information. I can't go in life without 0:12:32.760 --> 0:12:37.480 this information. So I'm asking you, like, where do I start? Like, 0:12:37.800 --> 0:12:40.040 although I want that piece of information, I can't let 0:12:40.040 --> 0:12:44.600 that information distruct me from really want to know the truth. 0:12:44.760 --> 0:12:48.560 Like why didn't you tell me who my dad was? 0:12:49.000 --> 0:12:51.160 And you know what the kicker was about the information? 0:12:53.040 --> 0:12:57.040 She told me that my dad died. She was like, 0:12:57.280 --> 0:13:00.480 I think your dad passed away. You know, I knew 0:13:00.480 --> 0:13:03.720 a couple of his friends, and bird on the street 0:13:03.840 --> 0:13:07.520 was that he died. Like that's what really like fucked 0:13:07.520 --> 0:13:10.240 me up. So you mean to tell me you're gonna 0:13:10.240 --> 0:13:11.920 tell me who this man is and then you're gonna 0:13:11.920 --> 0:13:18.200 tell me he did in the same sensus. I don't know, Jess, 0:13:18.800 --> 0:13:22.319 I just want to I don't know. I don't know. 0:13:22.360 --> 0:13:23.760 I ain't gonna see her. I act like I do 0:13:23.880 --> 0:13:26.280 know because I don't, and I wouldn't be here if 0:13:26.320 --> 0:13:29.400 I did. So, please, if you couldn't enlighten me, because 0:13:29.400 --> 0:13:32.840 I ain't trying to get the crying out here. And yes, 0:13:34.960 --> 0:13:37.199 and yes, I vest to a therapist. I been for 0:13:37.240 --> 0:13:39.360 a couple. I' vetted a few. But sometimes my story 0:13:39.400 --> 0:13:45.520 can be so attractive that I lose faith that they 0:13:45.920 --> 0:13:48.120 can help me, Like somebody can help me because they 0:13:48.160 --> 0:13:50.600 feel like they so caught up in my story because 0:13:50.600 --> 0:13:54.720 it's a lot more to it, just my healing journey, 0:13:55.240 --> 0:13:59.160 how I went from being broken walking around with a 0:13:59.280 --> 0:14:03.360 half a broken art to really get into my spiritual bag, 0:14:03.440 --> 0:14:06.360 my my healing bag, my god bag and everything in 0:14:06.480 --> 0:14:09.880 real arrange in my mind frame, my aura. Like I'm 0:14:09.960 --> 0:14:14.000 literally I found my purpose within this, within this mess. 0:14:15.080 --> 0:14:19.320 But I still got questions. Now you're telling me like 0:14:19.960 --> 0:14:22.560 I can't even see my dad because he did, like 0:14:22.800 --> 0:14:25.080 it's been that I haven't talked to him, and I 0:14:25.120 --> 0:14:28.400 still want to know, like what's his real name? Like 0:14:28.440 --> 0:14:32.480 that's how much it crushed me, Jess, But I appreciate 0:14:32.520 --> 0:14:35.480 you listening to me. I just had to get it out. 0:14:35.600 --> 0:14:40.800 It was I'm usually a lot more fluent in my conversation, 0:14:41.280 --> 0:14:43.920 in my words, but it's a it's a touchy it's 0:14:43.960 --> 0:14:47.000 a touchy subject for me. But I know for sure 0:14:47.040 --> 0:14:51.480 I can't let my story die because I feel like 0:14:51.520 --> 0:14:58.040 it's not worth it compared to others. So again, I 0:14:58.080 --> 0:15:02.520 appreciate you, I appreciate the listeners. But should I I 0:15:02.920 --> 0:15:04.680 want to make the car I want to pull up. 0:15:05.040 --> 0:15:10.000 But what do I say? Because I'm definitely need being 0:15:10.040 --> 0:15:13.000 considered of people's nervous systems, these old folks. I'm mamba 0:15:13.040 --> 0:15:16.080 bond on some shit just based on my experience. But nah, 0:15:16.240 --> 0:15:20.160 like tied, like I've really like, I'm trying my bag. 0:15:20.880 --> 0:15:24.560 I really need to know these things because you ain't 0:15:24.560 --> 0:15:28.320 sitting well with me. I keep thinking about it, man, 0:15:28.800 --> 0:15:29.880 But again, thank you, jess. 0:15:31.840 --> 0:15:34.120 Oh you're talking about you trying to cry a girl 0:15:34.120 --> 0:15:39.040 with shit? Okay, So no, this is heavy. This is 0:15:39.080 --> 0:15:41.240 one of the heavier stories that I've had, you know, 0:15:41.280 --> 0:15:44.480 and I've had heavy stories in the past, things that 0:15:44.520 --> 0:15:47.240 I felt like I could help with, but I still 0:15:47.280 --> 0:15:50.280 wanted people to get that extra professional coverage. You know 0:15:50.320 --> 0:15:52.840 what I'm saying. You said you've gone to therapists and 0:15:52.880 --> 0:15:56.920 a lot of times therapy don't. It helps you express yourself, 0:15:56.920 --> 0:15:59.240 but it don't help to heal you, you know what I'm saying. 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:02.680 So I do understand that while it works for a 0:16:02.720 --> 0:16:07.320 lot of people, it just it. It doesn't work to 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:10.880 the fullest for a lot of people as well, you know. 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:16.000 But I appreciate you sharing this with me, and just 0:16:16.000 --> 0:16:20.560 just a few things, yes, call them, call them. You 0:16:20.880 --> 0:16:25.960 got questions, boom, and I love how you're still trying 0:16:26.120 --> 0:16:31.000 to How can I say this, You're really trying to, 0:16:31.160 --> 0:16:34.480 You're still thinking about You're putting other people before yourself. 0:16:35.360 --> 0:16:38.680 You know what I'm saying. You're still selfless in the situation. 0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:43.520 Notice I said selfless and not selfish, and not telling 0:16:43.520 --> 0:16:45.200 you to be selfish, but shit, you got to put 0:16:45.200 --> 0:16:49.720 yourself first, because ty, while you walking around broken hearted, 0:16:49.800 --> 0:16:51.720 you don't know who you are. You're trying to heal, 0:16:51.760 --> 0:16:54.520 and you don't even know what the hell you're exactly 0:16:54.600 --> 0:16:58.200 trying to heal from. You're still putting other people's feelings 0:16:58.240 --> 0:17:01.640 before yours. I don't care how old they are. You 0:17:01.640 --> 0:17:03.760 ain't supposed to care how old they are. Somebody owes 0:17:03.800 --> 0:17:06.000 you some answers, and it's not just your mom, that 0:17:06.040 --> 0:17:08.720 ain't just your grandmother. It's both of them, and they 0:17:08.800 --> 0:17:11.600 just have to be held accountable. That's the biggest word 0:17:11.680 --> 0:17:15.640 in this situation, accountability. You were a baby, like you said, 0:17:15.680 --> 0:17:18.879 you are one of nine children and the only one 0:17:18.960 --> 0:17:21.360 that was put up for adoption. I do respect your 0:17:21.359 --> 0:17:24.639 mom for not letting her, letting your grandmother, you know, 0:17:24.680 --> 0:17:27.720 force her into an abortion, because that's how you still 0:17:27.760 --> 0:17:31.320 hear so all that about suicide and killing yourself. You 0:17:31.359 --> 0:17:33.359 are here for a reason, and you do make a difference. 0:17:33.359 --> 0:17:35.320 Whether you feel like there are days that you don't, 0:17:35.640 --> 0:17:39.600 you do. You do make a difference. Know your story 0:17:39.640 --> 0:17:41.959 ain't about the fault to the wayside. And there are 0:17:42.000 --> 0:17:45.879 others just like you. Even if you don't do therapy, 0:17:46.160 --> 0:17:49.119 there are support groups. There are women and men just 0:17:49.359 --> 0:17:55.560 like you that feel like unknowns that feel worse than orphans, 0:17:55.600 --> 0:17:58.560 that feel that feel like they don't even know where 0:17:58.600 --> 0:18:01.560 they be long because they don't know who they are. 0:18:02.960 --> 0:18:05.639 You don't kill yourself for that, And you don't feel 0:18:05.640 --> 0:18:09.639 bad or or tiptoe around somebody's fucking feelings, you know, 0:18:09.760 --> 0:18:11.560 because you don't want somebody to feel bad. You don't 0:18:11.560 --> 0:18:13.760 want to trigger memory well, maybe if you do trigger 0:18:13.800 --> 0:18:16.679 a couple of memories, you can get some answers because 0:18:16.680 --> 0:18:20.040 you need that. You're in your thirties, Like you said, 0:18:20.080 --> 0:18:23.199 your whole world was flipped upside down. You seventeen, you know, 0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:27.200 discovering that the people that raise you aren't even your parents. 0:18:27.680 --> 0:18:29.159 You got a lump on your breast. You go to 0:18:29.200 --> 0:18:31.960 the doctor. You said you felt ignorant not knowing your 0:18:31.960 --> 0:18:35.760 medical history because you don't know shit about your dad's 0:18:36.200 --> 0:18:39.320 medical history or your mother's medical history. She owe you 0:18:39.359 --> 0:18:41.760 some answers. I don't care what she going. I don't care. 0:18:42.400 --> 0:18:44.320 And yes, you do come with love, but that love 0:18:44.400 --> 0:18:47.440 gonna only go but so far until it turns to hate, 0:18:48.000 --> 0:18:51.359 until it turns to anguish and misery. And that's not 0:18:51.400 --> 0:18:57.359 where you deserve to be. So for thirteen fourteen plus years, 0:18:57.920 --> 0:19:00.760 you've had a void that you have haven't been able 0:19:00.800 --> 0:19:08.399 to fill because you don't know who you are. It's okay, 0:19:08.920 --> 0:19:12.760 I'm gonna be honest. I cannot relate to this. I cannot. 0:19:14.040 --> 0:19:16.320 But what I can do is tell you need to 0:19:16.320 --> 0:19:18.320 pick up that phone you want to pull up, Pull 0:19:18.440 --> 0:19:22.720 up shit, what they're gonna do? Shoot you shit? What 0:19:22.800 --> 0:19:25.480 can they do other than look at you like you're crazy, 0:19:25.600 --> 0:19:28.919 other than tell you more lies. You don't stop trying, 0:19:29.800 --> 0:19:32.919 You don't. You pull up your grandmother, you pull up 0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:37.159 your mom. Look, I know y'all may be going through things. 0:19:37.240 --> 0:19:41.960 I know these memories, may you know suppress y'all And 0:19:42.080 --> 0:19:44.480 this is a memory lane that you don't want to 0:19:44.560 --> 0:19:51.280 go down. But please for me, for me, tell me y'all, 0:19:51.359 --> 0:19:53.280 y'all think this shit is just gonna get swept under 0:19:53.280 --> 0:19:57.280 the rug? Why am I the one the only one 0:19:57.320 --> 0:20:01.440 of nine that had to be adopted by somebody else? Now, 0:20:01.520 --> 0:20:04.919 much gratitude to your adopted parents. They definitely did right 0:20:05.000 --> 0:20:09.040 with you. You're smart, you're articulate, yes you are, But you're 0:20:09.080 --> 0:20:13.200 still broken, beautiful woman, but you are still broken, and 0:20:13.480 --> 0:20:17.919 your adopted parents can't fix that shit. Even your mom 0:20:18.040 --> 0:20:21.240 and your grandmother they can't fix it. But they can 0:20:21.400 --> 0:20:25.119 help you fix it by telling you the fucking truth, 0:20:26.040 --> 0:20:29.160 which you need to demand. Like I said, I don't 0:20:29.160 --> 0:20:31.800 care how old they are. You don't need to care 0:20:31.840 --> 0:20:36.120 either how old your grandmother is. If she ain't nonverbal 0:20:36.640 --> 0:20:40.200 and physically disable, she can tell you. Oh, she can 0:20:40.280 --> 0:20:43.520 jog a memory she remembers, she shot at somebody who 0:20:44.240 --> 0:20:46.600 shot at your dad. She didn't like the way they 0:20:46.600 --> 0:20:48.240 were speaking of her daughter. So that tells me that 0:20:48.320 --> 0:20:53.199 she was automatically protective, overprotective, but fucking protective. That's her baby, 0:20:54.359 --> 0:20:58.080 all right, Cool, your mom she ran away because she 0:20:58.080 --> 0:21:00.879 didn't want to abort you. We don't know what the 0:21:00.960 --> 0:21:05.600 situation was back then, but that tells me she's protective 0:21:06.680 --> 0:21:09.600 in some type of way, protective over her child who 0:21:09.680 --> 0:21:12.000 was in her womb. She knew she didn't want to 0:21:12.000 --> 0:21:14.240 get rid of you. So you do have a purpose, 0:21:15.119 --> 0:21:18.840 you do, but you gotta dig deeper with them, and 0:21:18.880 --> 0:21:20.800 you can't be afraid to do it boom, because who 0:21:20.880 --> 0:21:23.359 else gonna do it? If you love me, you'll listen 0:21:23.400 --> 0:21:27.040 to this commercial and then we'll be right back. And 0:21:27.080 --> 0:21:29.720 it's okay. It's okay for you to get emotional with me. 0:21:30.200 --> 0:21:35.439 It's okay, sit I got emotional with you. You know. 0:21:35.520 --> 0:21:38.119 I wish I could give you the biggest hug and 0:21:38.240 --> 0:21:42.480 just snatch you up. I do wish that you need 0:21:42.480 --> 0:21:44.960 that from your mom, You need that from your grandmother. 0:21:45.040 --> 0:21:48.560 You need for them to just be like, fuck it. Listen, 0:21:48.640 --> 0:21:52.439 this is what happened. You don't stop because you went 0:21:52.520 --> 0:21:55.879 thinking about everybody else's nervous system. You don't stop, You 0:21:55.960 --> 0:21:58.560 don't stop. You be honest with them. You tell them 0:21:58.600 --> 0:22:01.000 these stories that I tried to kill my Listen, my 0:22:01.040 --> 0:22:04.440 world was flipped upside down. I need to know. Since 0:22:04.480 --> 0:22:06.840 I was seventeen, my life has not been the same. 0:22:08.160 --> 0:22:11.640 What happened, Man, was up. I'm your baby. I'm your 0:22:11.640 --> 0:22:19.119 baby too. Why mean? What did I do make her feel? You? 0:22:19.119 --> 0:22:22.399 You understand there's already a connection because she is your mother. 0:22:23.080 --> 0:22:25.800 Maybe she feels so bad about it. She trying to 0:22:25.880 --> 0:22:28.520 run from it. She tried to bury those memories. Man, 0:22:28.640 --> 0:22:31.119 dig them up, help her dig them up, and then 0:22:31.160 --> 0:22:34.600 y'all go to therapy together. That's how you clean that up. 0:22:35.200 --> 0:22:37.760 I don't give a fuck how long it take. You 0:22:37.840 --> 0:22:40.239 need your answers, and you need to get them. Your 0:22:40.280 --> 0:22:43.879 grandmother too. All three of y'all sit in the room, 0:22:44.600 --> 0:22:49.720 y'all talk, Make them talk to you, make them feel you, 0:22:49.840 --> 0:22:54.119 make them feel how you've been feeling. Make them see 0:22:54.680 --> 0:22:57.359 what this has done to you. A part of me 0:22:57.440 --> 0:22:59.560 wants to say, man, I wish that your foster parents 0:22:59.560 --> 0:23:02.040 didn't you know, your adopted parents didn't tell you this, 0:23:02.920 --> 0:23:05.119 But for that very reason that you were in that 0:23:05.280 --> 0:23:08.359 hospital at your appointment and you got the lump on 0:23:08.400 --> 0:23:10.639