WEBVTT - You've Got Decisions: Ethical Non-Monogamy 0:00:01.680 --> 0:00:04.439 If you would like to have us answer your questions. 0:00:04.559 --> 0:00:07.280 If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, friend, 0:00:07.840 --> 0:00:13.760 or a terrible throatfle guess what you've got? Decisions doudah 0:00:13.800 --> 0:00:16.960 hump see hump a douda hanp siehmp. It's another hunt 0:00:17.040 --> 0:00:21.799 day of home mail and I am here sitting with 0:00:22.079 --> 0:00:26.160 Eden in play the Wheezy to give our advice. And 0:00:26.480 --> 0:00:29.080 this week again, if you look at the title, we 0:00:29.120 --> 0:00:34.680 are talking ethical non monogamy. Now before we get started, 0:00:35.120 --> 0:00:39.880 please please please send your questions in to Decisions Decisions 0:00:39.920 --> 0:00:43.720 at gmail dot com. You can find that email in 0:00:43.760 --> 0:00:47.640 the description of this episode. And if you don't really 0:00:47.720 --> 0:00:51.319 like listening, but you like watching and listening, you can 0:00:51.400 --> 0:00:55.520 catch this full video over on our patreon Patreon dot 0:00:55.560 --> 0:00:58.080 com backslash Horrible Decisions. 0:00:58.280 --> 0:00:59.680 Now, let's get into. 0:00:59.520 --> 0:01:02.279 The ethical non monogamy of it all, because that's kind 0:01:02.280 --> 0:01:04.600 of where we're leaning a bit more too. With decisions. 0:01:04.640 --> 0:01:10.240 Decisions are the decisions around what styles of relationships work 0:01:10.360 --> 0:01:14.120 for you what doesn't, leaning into things that may be 0:01:14.280 --> 0:01:21.920 non traditional or customizable. Y'all know my favorite words customizable. Okay, 0:01:22.040 --> 0:01:25.520 so this one is a brief question, like a brief 0:01:25.560 --> 0:01:28.480 email that we got, but there's a lot to dig into. Okay, 0:01:29.240 --> 0:01:32.280 So here we go, Hey, Mandy and Weezy. I'm a 0:01:32.319 --> 0:01:35.280 new listener to the podcast and loving it. By the way, 0:01:35.880 --> 0:01:38.600 a little background on me. I am a twenty three 0:01:38.680 --> 0:01:41.319 year old female and have been single for two and 0:01:41.360 --> 0:01:45.959 a half months. I decided to start back dating and 0:01:46.160 --> 0:01:49.600 just want to explore the dating scene. I'm currently dating 0:01:49.640 --> 0:01:52.360 someone who is thirty one years old. He's a man 0:01:53.120 --> 0:01:57.920 who's ethically non monogamous. I tell myself I am okay 0:01:58.000 --> 0:02:00.520 with that, due to the fact we both agree that 0:02:00.600 --> 0:02:03.160 we were exploring the dating scene and we're not ready 0:02:03.240 --> 0:02:07.280 for a relationship. However, this is my first experience in 0:02:07.320 --> 0:02:11.200 a non monogamous relationship, and although I say I am 0:02:11.280 --> 0:02:14.800 okay with it, I tend to feel jealousy and feel 0:02:14.840 --> 0:02:19.160 the need to control. Question, what advice do you guys 0:02:19.200 --> 0:02:24.800 have to give? I am open to receiving. So let's 0:02:24.800 --> 0:02:27.399 first break this down just a little bit. She's twenty 0:02:27.440 --> 0:02:30.000 three years old. She is dating someone about eight years 0:02:30.000 --> 0:02:34.000 her scene grides's like my age gap that I like 0:02:34.080 --> 0:02:36.480 right now. I love that age gap. Even give me 0:02:36.520 --> 0:02:39.320 a twenty six year old yes, oh oh you well 0:02:39.360 --> 0:02:41.760 you would I were younger. Now, you wouldn't got older 0:02:41.880 --> 0:02:44.760 eight years older. I would go eight years older. What 0:02:44.919 --> 0:02:46.880 is that forty two or so? 0:02:47.000 --> 0:02:48.639 I don't think I would date a twenty two year old. 0:02:48.800 --> 0:02:50.919 I'm not gonna lie I would. I would date forty two. 0:02:51.320 --> 0:02:55.799 I like eight years difference right now. But I prefer younger, honestly, 0:02:56.520 --> 0:03:00.519 because they're more open to this non monogamous idea. They're 0:03:00.520 --> 0:03:03.200 a different generation and they're just a little bit more open. 0:03:03.880 --> 0:03:07.079 I think the thirty one year olds my age demo 0:03:08.639 --> 0:03:11.520 not even strict into it. They just throwing the word 0:03:11.600 --> 0:03:14.480 out without really knowing what the fucking means, and they 0:03:14.480 --> 0:03:17.480 don't have the accountability of how to fully navigate it yet. 0:03:17.919 --> 0:03:20.000 But also, I feel like my generation is full of 0:03:20.840 --> 0:03:22.600 a whole bunch of undiagnosed niggas. 0:03:22.720 --> 0:03:23.000 Damn. 0:03:23.080 --> 0:03:25.200 They don't want to go to town and actually might 0:03:25.240 --> 0:03:25.799 be autistic. 0:03:26.040 --> 0:03:26.919 Damn. Damn. 0:03:27.360 --> 0:03:29.880 Well, oh my god, this is why it ain't nobody 0:03:29.960 --> 0:03:34.040 my hate put your headphones on, sorry, shots fire, pew all. 0:03:34.080 --> 0:03:37.800 The men my age are just like, what is wrong 0:03:37.840 --> 0:03:38.200 with you? 0:03:38.280 --> 0:03:39.120 That's what I'm thinking. 0:03:39.160 --> 0:03:42.960 You're in the mix of dealing with the patriarchy of 0:03:43.320 --> 0:03:45.440 still needing to be leaders while not knowing how to 0:03:45.440 --> 0:03:48.520 be leaders, while bringing their trauma, while also still being 0:03:48.800 --> 0:03:52.240 a bit homophobic, but leaning into not knowing what they 0:03:52.280 --> 0:03:54.920 want sexually, and then also still want to be the 0:03:54.920 --> 0:03:58.080 man of the house without knowing how to lead. It's 0:03:58.160 --> 0:04:01.200 just a whole bunch of men that raised unfortunately in 0:04:01.240 --> 0:04:03.160 singing a single pair of households. They don't know what 0:04:03.240 --> 0:04:06.640 the fuck they're God, I am sorry raise the question. 0:04:06.840 --> 0:04:08.720 Sorry, Oh my god. 0:04:08.520 --> 0:04:11.600 I want no age. I mean like you're a millennial. 0:04:12.000 --> 0:04:17.000 Oh sorry, sorry, this is me projecting. Sorry for all 0:04:17.040 --> 0:04:20.800 of the millennial medal listeners. Boyfriend, I go jes z 0:04:21.120 --> 0:04:24.159 or gin y you want to so bad? 0:04:24.200 --> 0:04:29.920 Don't do that? Any who? AnyWho. 0:04:31.240 --> 0:04:34.520 So she's twenty three with thirty one. Let's let's first 0:04:34.640 --> 0:04:38.640 tap into the fact that one she has never dated 0:04:38.680 --> 0:04:43.160 anyone who is non monogamous, and she's only agreeing to 0:04:43.200 --> 0:04:46.800 it currently because they're both exploring the dating scenes. So 0:04:47.960 --> 0:04:50.960 I want to lean into if you there's two things. 0:04:51.400 --> 0:04:53.800 Are you exploring the dating scenes to find a partner 0:04:54.240 --> 0:04:57.599 or are you exploring the dating scenes to fuck? To me, 0:04:58.440 --> 0:05:02.520 if you're exploring the dating scene to fuck, this cool 0:05:02.720 --> 0:05:06.080 makes sense. Because you both have agreed to non monogamy 0:05:06.080 --> 0:05:07.200 and maybe sharing with each other. 0:05:07.400 --> 0:05:07.840 That's the thing. 0:05:07.880 --> 0:05:11.320 Ethical non monogamy has all these different umbrellas, Right, Maybe 0:05:11.360 --> 0:05:14.040 you share with the person what you're doing. Maybe you don't, 0:05:14.040 --> 0:05:18.200 but you're just aware. Right if you're exploring the dating 0:05:18.200 --> 0:05:22.280 scene to find a partner and you're questioning if that's 0:05:22.400 --> 0:05:24.800 even the type of relationship you want to get in. 0:05:26.000 --> 0:05:28.560 I do feel like you need to dig into more 0:05:28.680 --> 0:05:32.080 of what boundaries and what the dynamics of this ethical 0:05:32.120 --> 0:05:36.760 non monogamous guy looks like. Because if you're already leaning 0:05:36.800 --> 0:05:39.120 into the fact that you're jealous or you might want 0:05:39.160 --> 0:05:42.400 to just be a bit more controlling, I actually would 0:05:42.480 --> 0:05:47.039 lean into what is your relationship style, because jealousy is 0:05:47.080 --> 0:05:51.400 a normal filing. Whether you're monogamous or non monogamous, you 0:05:51.440 --> 0:05:54.640 are going to feel jealous in some instances. 0:05:54.680 --> 0:05:57.600 It is going to happen. How you manage it. 0:05:57.839 --> 0:06:00.880 How you manage your jealousy is before in here. That's 0:06:00.880 --> 0:06:05.320 a different conversation, right. The second one. I don't think 0:06:05.480 --> 0:06:09.440 it is healthy, whether you acknowledge or not, to say 0:06:09.480 --> 0:06:12.920 that you want to be a bit controlling within a 0:06:13.000 --> 0:06:14.000 romantic partnership. 0:06:14.000 --> 0:06:16.479 Controlling is controlling? Is is a strong word? 0:06:16.560 --> 0:06:19.320 Is a strong word, as well as is this person 0:06:19.360 --> 0:06:21.920 now your property? Does this person now have to listen 0:06:21.960 --> 0:06:22.200 to you? 0:06:22.200 --> 0:06:23.040 You could be stern. 0:06:24.240 --> 0:06:28.600 You can also set boundaries exactly and you believe if, 0:06:28.800 --> 0:06:31.039 but controlling is a bit worrisome. So I think that 0:06:31.440 --> 0:06:34.160 at twenty three years old, this is honestly my advice. 0:06:36.160 --> 0:06:38.840 Who are you? And I know you're not going to 0:06:38.920 --> 0:06:41.920 know that at twenty three, right, bitch, I didn't, don't. 0:06:42.080 --> 0:06:44.320 I just kind of got some point where I'm like, 0:06:44.600 --> 0:06:47.279 I'm still figuring it out, bitch, and I'm a decade 0:06:47.320 --> 0:06:49.960 above you, right, So don't do that? 0:06:51.360 --> 0:06:52.080 No, you know what it was. 0:06:52.480 --> 0:06:55.000 Here's a conversation we had with Alex before, and it's 0:06:55.040 --> 0:06:57.760 like ten years is one thing. But you just said, 0:06:58.880 --> 0:07:01.840 I know the decade is so all right, I'm sorry, I. 0:07:01.760 --> 0:07:07.880 Got you about ten years. Sis said, Okay, I think that, 0:07:09.360 --> 0:07:11.480 and I think that I wish more people would do this. 0:07:12.800 --> 0:07:17.120 Those words are negative how you will show up in 0:07:17.160 --> 0:07:21.560 a relationship, Those things will bring toxicity. Yeah, I think 0:07:21.560 --> 0:07:23.600 it's a very mature response, but I do think it's 0:07:23.640 --> 0:07:26.080 real that you do have to sit with how you 0:07:26.120 --> 0:07:29.320 manage those two things. How do you manage jealousy and 0:07:29.400 --> 0:07:31.320 how do you bring it to your partner when something 0:07:31.360 --> 0:07:35.640 they do brings about that emotion? And this could be 0:07:35.640 --> 0:07:37.480 for anyone, not even if you're twenty three, but thirty, 0:07:37.560 --> 0:07:41.480 forty fifty. And then the other part is why do 0:07:41.560 --> 0:07:45.400 you feel like you need to control a relationship? Why 0:07:45.480 --> 0:07:48.760 is the idea not a partnership or working through or 0:07:48.800 --> 0:07:51.840 why are you not looking for someone that can be 0:07:51.960 --> 0:07:53.520 someone that you don't need to control. 0:07:53.680 --> 0:07:55.480 I mean, Surety's still young as hell. I do think 0:07:55.480 --> 0:07:57.320 she's youngest like I. So okay, So. 0:07:57.360 --> 0:07:59.840 That's funny because right before we recorded this, I did 0:08:00.360 --> 0:08:03.080 to Mandy that I've never been in a scenario where 0:08:03.120 --> 0:08:05.000 there was like where it was kind of open like 0:08:05.040 --> 0:08:08.120 that I actually have. It was a situationship. And I 0:08:08.120 --> 0:08:11.320 say situationship because like, yes, we were fucking whatever and 0:08:11.400 --> 0:08:13.679 we would go on oc casual dates, but we both 0:08:13.800 --> 0:08:18.000 also knew we had the ability to see other people, right, 0:08:18.840 --> 0:08:20.280 And I was fine with it. I was like, Okay, 0:08:20.280 --> 0:08:20.840 I understand that. 0:08:20.880 --> 0:08:23.320 Y'all weren't official, right, No, okay, no. 0:08:23.480 --> 0:08:25.720 But I knew that there's a possibility. I knew there 0:08:25.800 --> 0:08:28.160 was a possibility that she might fuck somebody if something 0:08:28.240 --> 0:08:30.680 were to happen, right, and me and her had the 0:08:30.720 --> 0:08:33.400 same thing, which was, if such and such did happen, 0:08:33.520 --> 0:08:35.880 it's either we get tested or both. It's we'd be 0:08:35.920 --> 0:08:36.960 safe and we get tested. 0:08:37.120 --> 0:08:39.640 Okay. That was the open boundary that we had that 0:08:39.679 --> 0:08:41.760 we knew, like, hey, keep that respect for each other. 0:08:41.920 --> 0:08:45.080 That on top of let's say I'm judging y'all if 0:08:45.120 --> 0:08:47.680 y'all date it, because when you date and. 0:08:47.679 --> 0:08:50.560 Y'all know, I'm the condom police. Yeah, if you're dating 0:08:50.640 --> 0:08:52.240 multiple people, I don't think you should be out here 0:08:52.320 --> 0:08:54.760 fucking multiple motherfuckers unprotected. 0:08:55.120 --> 0:08:55.800 No, you shouldn't. 0:08:55.880 --> 0:08:57.880 Yeah, but I do agree you should still get tested. Yeah, 0:08:57.880 --> 0:09:00.320 get tested, but also be safe. That's also I use 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:02.319 a condom. Like, that's why I use a condom, right, 0:09:02.520 --> 0:09:02.920 I think. 0:09:02.880 --> 0:09:06.000 We're gonna agree to seeing other people while we're dating. Yeah, 0:09:06.080 --> 0:09:06.920 bruh condoms. 0:09:07.040 --> 0:09:07.280 Yeah. 0:09:07.800 --> 0:09:09.840 Also, like I guess another boundary that was I don't 0:09:09.840 --> 0:09:12.000 think we really spoke about it that much, but we 0:09:12.000 --> 0:09:15.680 were in like similar mutual circles, right, so then like, 0:09:15.760 --> 0:09:17.800 you know, don't be raggedy, like, don't be with me 0:09:17.840 --> 0:09:20.120 and then be with like one of my close friends 0:09:20.200 --> 0:09:21.000 or something like that. 0:09:21.000 --> 0:09:21.960 That was another boundary that. 0:09:22.080 --> 0:09:23.240 Okay, I'm not mad at that. 0:09:23.320 --> 0:09:27.040 So getting in to the whole jealousy thing, right, there 0:09:27.040 --> 0:09:28.920 were times I'm not gonna lie. I think like, dang, 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:30.560 what if she's with another guy right now? I kind 0:09:30.600 --> 0:09:32.360 of felt a little type of way, even though there 0:09:32.480 --> 0:09:36.000 was no that's my girl or I don't have I 0:09:36.040 --> 0:09:37.000 don't want to say ownership. 0:09:37.000 --> 0:09:38.800 I think ownership is great and I hate that. Damn 0:09:38.840 --> 0:09:39.600 what's the proper word? 0:09:41.559 --> 0:09:41.719 Yeap? 0:09:41.760 --> 0:09:42.640 I didn't even hate. 0:09:42.440 --> 0:09:44.680 That, would would be less. 0:09:44.760 --> 0:09:47.040 I felt nesive. Sure, let's just say that I thought 0:09:47.120 --> 0:09:49.079 I was. I was feel pud. I never exhibited those 0:09:49.120 --> 0:09:52.120 feelings into trying to be negative, No throw stuff in 0:09:52.160 --> 0:09:54.640 her or her face orthing like that, because I was like, yo, 0:09:54.720 --> 0:09:56.920 you do you as I do me. We just kind 0:09:56.920 --> 0:09:58.760 of respect each other. That's I think that's a hard 0:09:58.760 --> 0:10:00.640 thing to do though. That's really hard thing to do, 0:10:00.720 --> 0:10:02.040 especially at that age. 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:05.319 Yeah, I agree, and especially he's again that's what he's 0:10:05.320 --> 0:10:07.520 but he's older. And so that was my question too, 0:10:07.559 --> 0:10:11.240 and I kind of wanted to lean into that. Can 0:10:11.440 --> 0:10:14.600 age difference be a negative thing in non traditional dating? 0:10:16.000 --> 0:10:18.800 Yeah, you're in two different positions. 0:10:18.840 --> 0:10:21.760 I do it could be for better or worse, doesn't 0:10:21.800 --> 0:10:23.880 it right, someone's better off than the other. It's likely 0:10:23.960 --> 0:10:27.199 that they might agree, But yeah, it's such a contrast. 0:10:27.600 --> 0:10:29.760 A twenty three year old is not going to understand 0:10:30.080 --> 0:10:32.120 the mentality and lifestyle of a thirty one year. 0:10:32.320 --> 0:10:35.600 I'm not gonna lie when you. When you asked me 0:10:35.640 --> 0:10:37.960 if I would date someone eight years older, right, so 0:10:38.480 --> 0:10:41.160 eight years younger, I immediately said yes, especially in a 0:10:41.240 --> 0:10:46.240 non non monogamous dynamic. Yes, because it's for fun. Well 0:10:46.280 --> 0:10:48.040 not only no, it's not even for fun. I would 0:10:48.040 --> 0:10:50.760 do a real relationship that way. But with a twenty 0:10:50.800 --> 0:10:53.320 six year old yes, you know why, because I feel 0:10:53.400 --> 0:10:56.560 like they've been open to the pronouns, the open the 0:10:56.600 --> 0:11:01.280 different sexualities. They've seen more of those dynas growing up 0:11:01.320 --> 0:11:04.640 on television, And it's the conversations they're having at a 0:11:04.640 --> 0:11:05.360 younger age. 0:11:05.520 --> 0:11:09.000 The two girlfriends, we've seen it publicly, they've grown. 0:11:08.800 --> 0:11:12.720 Up with it publicly. So for me, a forty one 0:11:12.800 --> 0:11:16.559 year old or forty two year old, and I wait, 0:11:16.679 --> 0:11:21.880 with all respects, it's kind of more difficult to teach 0:11:21.920 --> 0:11:25.719 an old dog new trouthe and so I know, and 0:11:25.800 --> 0:11:30.319 so trying to convince someone who's lived a longer life 0:11:30.360 --> 0:11:32.840 where monogamy, whether they were really monogamous or not, maybe 0:11:32.840 --> 0:11:35.000 they were cheaters. If it worked for them, it would 0:11:35.040 --> 0:11:38.240 be harder to convince them to try this new style 0:11:38.320 --> 0:11:42.000 of dating. Right, So that's the other thing. So storytime 0:11:42.000 --> 0:11:44.640 for me, well not really storytime, but I got into 0:11:44.760 --> 0:11:47.199 a really good conversation last night with my friend Troy. 0:11:47.679 --> 0:11:49.320 So we went out to dinner. And she's a bit 0:11:49.360 --> 0:11:52.439 older than me. She probably has me by I would 0:11:52.440 --> 0:11:55.920 say maybe ten fifteen years, so she's a bit older 0:11:55.920 --> 0:11:59.160 than me. And it's so crazy how much we are 0:11:59.200 --> 0:12:03.479 so much alike because we are both looking for primary 0:12:03.640 --> 0:12:06.720 a relationship, primary partners, whatever you want to call them. 0:12:07.080 --> 0:12:10.559 But we both know we want an ethically non monogamous 0:12:10.600 --> 0:12:14.240 set up in our relationship. So we want a non traditional, ethical, 0:12:14.280 --> 0:12:21.240 non monogamous relationship, yes, and in what we want. What 0:12:21.280 --> 0:12:26.520 we're realizing is we went through realizing that we are 0:12:26.559 --> 0:12:31.120 currently in a revolution. Right hear me out as women specifically, 0:12:32.400 --> 0:12:35.600 if we go back to the early sixties up through 0:12:35.640 --> 0:12:40.960 the seventies, there was that American dream family dynamic. A 0:12:41.080 --> 0:12:43.720 husband or wife, the kids, the dog, the white picket fence, 0:12:43.800 --> 0:12:47.440 the American dream right. However, at that time, and you 0:12:47.440 --> 0:12:50.120 guys can look it up from the sixties, a woman 0:12:50.640 --> 0:12:54.720 could not get a bike account without being married, she 0:12:54.760 --> 0:12:57.560 could not own a home. There were a lot of 0:12:57.880 --> 0:13:01.920 jobs that were not open for her. So being a 0:13:01.920 --> 0:13:03.839 wife and a mom was the role of a woman. 0:13:04.360 --> 0:13:08.280 Then you go through the seventies where shit starts to change. 0:13:08.320 --> 0:13:10.760 Women get the right to vote, women are able to 0:13:10.800 --> 0:13:13.840 get bank accounts, women are able to hold different positions 0:13:13.880 --> 0:13:16.720 within you know, society. Right. 0:13:17.840 --> 0:13:20.120 What was the birth control at that point too? 0:13:21.720 --> 0:13:25.240 Ooh, I'm not sure, but that's where like the flower power, 0:13:25.360 --> 0:13:28.920 like where sexual liberation and even planned parenthood and all 0:13:28.960 --> 0:13:31.199 those things started becoming where a woman could make those 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:36.480 choices they leaned into no longer like graphic. But you're 0:13:36.480 --> 0:13:37.920 not going down the stairs, You're not going to the 0:13:37.920 --> 0:13:41.400 person in the back alley. There's now options for family planning. Yes, 0:13:41.960 --> 0:13:45.240 so that takes place, right, So now you have women, okay, 0:13:45.400 --> 0:13:47.839 being able to have a little bit more rights. Then 0:13:47.880 --> 0:13:51.600 we get, unfortunately, to the role of I would say 0:13:51.600 --> 0:13:55.320 the eighties early nineties. I like to refer to this 0:13:55.520 --> 0:13:59.640 as the dismantling of the black family by the crack 0:13:59.640 --> 0:14:06.880 epide as well as government assistance. So during this era, 0:14:07.559 --> 0:14:10.280 a woman actually was pushing a man out of the 0:14:10.280 --> 0:14:12.959 house so that they could get helped by the government, 0:14:13.000 --> 0:14:16.319 food stamps, section eight, all the things, and a man 0:14:16.360 --> 0:14:19.960 could not be present in the home. Fast forward more so, 0:14:19.960 --> 0:14:24.040 I would say early two thousands till now women are 0:14:24.080 --> 0:14:29.360 CEOs my era millennials. We were pushed into independence. We 0:14:29.360 --> 0:14:31.240 were pushed to go get a degree, we were pushed 0:14:31.280 --> 0:14:34.320 to school, we were pushed to worry about marriage and 0:14:34.440 --> 0:14:37.240 children later. That can all come later, but focus on 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:40.320 you first. And so where we're at now is the 0:14:40.400 --> 0:14:44.720 quote unquote modern woman, where Okay, I could be the 0:14:44.760 --> 0:14:49.160 head of household. I don't need kids. I don't want kids, 0:14:49.640 --> 0:14:52.080 or y'all have been hearing what I've been going through 0:14:52.120 --> 0:14:55.880 with all of my friends. I waited so long, I'm 0:14:55.880 --> 0:14:57.640 dealing with infertility. 0:14:58.480 --> 0:15:01.320 Shit. I want a successful man. 0:15:02.080 --> 0:15:05.120 He don't cheat. I don't stay with cheaters before. That's 0:15:05.160 --> 0:15:06.160 not a deal breaker for me. 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:11.200 So what does that look like? I'm only smiling because 0:15:11.200 --> 0:15:15.400 I'm just like it makes it, And so now I 0:15:15.520 --> 0:15:16.000 just wish. 0:15:17.440 --> 0:15:19.960 Me neither. But now I could be the head of household. 0:15:20.000 --> 0:15:22.360 So nigga, I don't need you to pay it. I 0:15:22.400 --> 0:15:29.960 get paid from anything. And you know, we're in this 0:15:30.160 --> 0:15:33.880 era where, Wow, the idea of polyamory is introduced to me, 0:15:33.920 --> 0:15:36.840 the idea of swinging is introduced. Whoa black people go 0:15:36.880 --> 0:15:37.720 to sex clubs? 0:15:39.120 --> 0:15:39.360 Wait? 0:15:39.520 --> 0:15:42.720 I can share my kinks and not be judged, you 0:15:42.760 --> 0:15:45.240 know what I mean? And so we're in this revolution 0:15:45.360 --> 0:15:52.680 currently as women, we're damn the traditional setup of a 0:15:52.920 --> 0:16:01.640 traditional family, the patriarchal realm, and tradition of a standard heterosexual. 0:16:01.800 --> 0:16:06.240 It's also we're talking about heterosexual relationships because also, lets 0:16:06.240 --> 0:16:09.160 me very clear, the gays just got the right to 0:16:09.200 --> 0:16:11.080 be married, and now the ship may be taken away. 0:16:11.080 --> 0:16:14.000 We don't know what the fuck is happening, but he 0:16:14.200 --> 0:16:16.680 let's be clear. The rights of women to choose what 0:16:16.720 --> 0:16:19.640 happens with their body, it could be taken away. So 0:16:19.680 --> 0:16:23.520 we're dealing with all of these things right, and we're like, damn, 0:16:24.120 --> 0:16:28.000 what do we want? Because the truth of the matter 0:16:28.120 --> 0:16:31.080 is my worth and my value is not depending on 0:16:31.160 --> 0:16:33.480 me being a mom or a wife. Yeah, I now 0:16:33.560 --> 0:16:41.040 have the wherewithal to actually live the life that I want, 0:16:41.240 --> 0:16:43.840 my own hobbies. I can live for myself and not 0:16:43.960 --> 0:16:46.880 live for my kids. Legacy could not look like my kids. 0:16:46.880 --> 0:16:49.240 It can look like what I do with my nonprofit. 0:16:49.360 --> 0:16:51.200 It can look like what I do for my community. 0:16:51.600 --> 0:16:54.560 It doesn't have to just be what I leave through children. 0:16:54.600 --> 0:16:58.080 It can be what I leave through entrepreneurship or my 0:16:58.400 --> 0:17:01.000 art or all of these other options. Which is, you 0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:06.040 know where I stand and so, but romantically, I would 0:17:06.080 --> 0:17:11.120 love a partner to share this with. Romantically, my trajectory 0:17:11.119 --> 0:17:13.480 of a relationship might not be kids or marriage at all. 0:17:14.080 --> 0:17:16.679 So how do I communicate that with a man that 0:17:16.920 --> 0:17:20.800 I want you, I don't need you, but also I 0:17:20.880 --> 0:17:23.800 want to share my life with you because that's what 0:17:23.880 --> 0:17:27.240 I want and I want you to know that our 0:17:27.800 --> 0:17:31.280 trajectory could look like every which way and it doesn't 0:17:31.320 --> 0:17:35.199 have to look like move in, have get married, have kids, 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:39.080 combine families like it doesn't have to look like that. 0:17:39.359 --> 0:17:44.320 And unfortunately, as women trying to dismantle the word whorror 0:17:44.760 --> 0:17:46.919 through all of the things, because now we can be 0:17:46.960 --> 0:17:48.800 sexually we can tell you what we want and sexually 0:17:48.880 --> 0:17:51.280 we can live through these things. How do we keep 0:17:51.320 --> 0:17:55.680 our dignity, keep our jobs, be proud without literally affecting 0:17:55.720 --> 0:17:59.640 the goddamn ego of a man? Because now we don't 0:17:59.640 --> 0:18:01.800 need you to protect and provide. We need you to 0:18:01.800 --> 0:18:04.320 show up emotionally. We need you to have the emotional 0:18:04.359 --> 0:18:05.800 intelligence to help. 0:18:05.680 --> 0:18:08.800 To talk to me. We want to hold you accountable. 0:18:09.840 --> 0:18:11.800 We should be allowed to do that. Now, you know. 0:18:11.800 --> 0:18:13.760 It's funny because then going back to the scenario of 0:18:13.760 --> 0:18:16.960 the home mail, just like you mentioned, you feel like 0:18:17.040 --> 0:18:18.639 a lot of people from gen Z and stuff are 0:18:18.640 --> 0:18:21.760 a lot more exposed through the polyamorous side of things. 0:18:22.680 --> 0:18:27.120 She's not, though she's aware of it. Wait, but she's 0:18:27.200 --> 0:18:29.359 also so open to it that she's willing to try 0:18:29.359 --> 0:18:35.359 it because and I think that's so to me even 0:18:35.920 --> 0:18:39.360 and she may but she may also be open to it. 0:18:40.080 --> 0:18:43.720 Weasy shares how she gets jealous and feels sometimes she 0:18:43.880 --> 0:18:47.280 struggles with it. She listens to this pod. There's times 0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:50.040 where I don't think I really felt I was mad 0:18:50.080 --> 0:18:52.160 as fuck that this nigga cheated, but I didn't really 0:18:52.200 --> 0:18:56.280 experience jealousy like that. Would you tell her to try 0:18:56.320 --> 0:18:59.080 it then, regardless of the age difference. 0:18:59.119 --> 0:18:59.560 I would. 0:19:00.160 --> 0:19:04.800 So I'm fine with you trying ethical non monogamy, yes, 0:19:05.359 --> 0:19:10.760 but I want everyone considering getting into any sort of relationship, 0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:17.159 especially to try ethical nominogamy. Because you want to, not 0:19:17.320 --> 0:19:20.240 because you found a guy you like that's happened to 0:19:20.280 --> 0:19:23.920 be ethical nomenogamists and now you're agreeing to it because 0:19:23.920 --> 0:19:26.919 you like it. That's the other problem. A lot of 0:19:26.960 --> 0:19:31.120 times we go into continue to date guys that really 0:19:31.200 --> 0:19:34.359 don't align with us, or like, we'll give it a try, 0:19:34.400 --> 0:19:35.840 and then we'd be mad when it don't work. 0:19:36.160 --> 0:19:38.639 Well, if you were really down with the the. 0:19:40.760 --> 0:19:41.239 You know what I mean. 0:19:41.840 --> 0:19:45.200 But that's what I'm saying. Okay, you're jealous and you're controlling. 0:19:46.040 --> 0:19:48.240 Are y'all dating outside of each other? Do you want 0:19:48.320 --> 0:19:50.360 thre do you want to go to sex clubs? What 0:19:50.440 --> 0:19:53.679 does ethical, non monogamous and the boundaries look like with 0:19:53.800 --> 0:19:56.160 this partner? Because bitch, if you don't want three sims 0:19:56.160 --> 0:19:58.159 because you don't want to taste a little kucci, this 0:19:58.240 --> 0:20:00.480 nigga not gonna work for you. Because maybe he wants 0:20:00.480 --> 0:20:04.520 a partner to bring into threesomes? Are you fine with 0:20:04.720 --> 0:20:09.080 going to watch sex and be watched because ethnically not 0:20:09.080 --> 0:20:13.840 not ethically non monogamously he wants to go and venture 0:20:13.880 --> 0:20:18.000 into the sex club route, or he wants to emotionally 0:20:18.040 --> 0:20:20.240 be invested in you and have another girlfriend are you 0:20:20.280 --> 0:20:23.119 fine with that? Because for me, who's someone who is 0:20:23.160 --> 0:20:28.919 ethically nominogamous, I don't know how much I want that 0:20:29.040 --> 0:20:31.800 with a new partner. I'll be honest, all date a 0:20:31.880 --> 0:20:34.120 guy who has a girlfriend and I'm a second girlfriend. 0:20:34.359 --> 0:20:37.840 Oh a bitch, I'm asking you for everything public both 0:20:40.200 --> 0:20:43.600 I don't know it like both like I don't mind dating. 0:20:46.080 --> 0:20:48.159 I mean the only nig I would allow that for 0:20:48.320 --> 0:20:52.320 has a lot of coinst have a lot of a 0:20:52.320 --> 0:20:52.600 lot of co. 0:20:54.200 --> 0:20:54.480 Huh. 0:20:54.880 --> 0:21:00.080 Otherwise no, but yeah, again, let's just go with she 0:21:00.080 --> 0:21:02.480 should or she shouldn't. 0:21:03.240 --> 0:21:06.800 I think she should if she's curious about that lifestyle. 0:21:07.960 --> 0:21:11.119 That lifestyle, I don't think she should. If she doesn't 0:21:11.160 --> 0:21:13.919 really think it's actually I think that makes sense. Let 0:21:13.960 --> 0:21:16.680 me see if I have because I do feel like, 0:21:17.640 --> 0:21:20.760 try todjus for just our partner. And then next thing, 0:21:20.760 --> 0:21:22.880 you know, we realize we really don't like you don't 0:21:22.920 --> 0:21:24.760 even want it. You don't even have to be about polyamorous. 0:21:24.760 --> 0:21:33.720