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Speaker 1: Hey there, folks. It is Thursday, August twenty eighth, and

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Speaker 1: we got some of the strongest, I mean, most heated

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Speaker 1: pushback to some advice we gave one of our readers

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Speaker 1: who wrote into our Yahoo column looking for some advice,

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Speaker 1: and with that, welcome to this relationship edition of Amy

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Speaker 1: and TJ and Robes. We have had a good time.

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Speaker 1: People have strong opinions, but you this in particular our

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Speaker 1: latest Yahoo column, a young lady writing into us asking

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Speaker 1: for help with her soon to be possibly fiance and

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Speaker 1: meeting her parents for the first time. Blah blah blah.

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Speaker 1: But people took issue in the strongest of terms. You

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Speaker 1: were just explaining to me with our advice.

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Speaker 2: Yes, well, yes there was some very harsh advice, but

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Speaker 2: also taking issue with the advice we gave Kai, which

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Speaker 2: was to yay, yes, tell your parents, be celebratory, be positive,

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Speaker 2: and do it sooner rather than later, and not to

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Speaker 2: waste any time. A lot of folks just don't think

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Speaker 2: that parents need to be getting involved period and don't

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Speaker 2: think that parents should have a say. Maybe an opinion's

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Speaker 2: one thing, but actually be able to be the final

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Speaker 2: say whether or not you pursue or continue a relationship

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Speaker 2: with someone. People took a real issue with that, even

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Speaker 2: though Kai very specifically noted that it was her culture

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Speaker 2: and that the person she's dating is outside of her culture.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so it's fair to say, then, before we read

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Speaker 1: in full what Kai wrote into us, the question not

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Speaker 1: just people were they might have been most heeded in

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Speaker 1: their response to us, but this might have been one

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Speaker 1: they were more heated. It sounds like in their response

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Speaker 1: to Kai, a reader saying, you're ridiculous for this scenario,

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Speaker 1: almost even right.

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Speaker 2: And I think a lot of people were taking it

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Speaker 2: from the American vantage point, where if you, I, and

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Speaker 2: we both said this, at least we've said this to

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Speaker 2: one another. I don't know what that's like to have

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Speaker 2: a culture so tightly knit where yes, it is required

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Speaker 2: that you get approval from your parents, and oftentimes in

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Speaker 2: some of these cultures and we don't know which one

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Speaker 2: she's from, there are arranged marriages still in plenty of

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Speaker 2: cultures around the world, so parents not only get a say,

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Speaker 2: they actually tell you the child who you're going to marry.

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Speaker 2: And frankly, a lot of debate out there as to

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Speaker 2: whether or not that's the odds are the same if

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Speaker 2: not even better in terms of marriage and divorce rates.

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Speaker 2: And maybe it's the community, and maybe it's the pressure

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Speaker 2: to stay married no matter what, but no one can

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Speaker 2: say that that's a less successful way forward.

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Speaker 1: So with that as the backdrop, with that in mind,

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Speaker 1: and with that context, Kai wrote into us again. You

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Speaker 1: can find our Yahoo column Yahoo dot com in the

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Speaker 1: life section. We have a new one for you every

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Speaker 1: week and a new topic. And again Kai is our

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Speaker 1: reader this week and the topic and it really became

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Speaker 1: a point of contention for a lot of folks. But

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Speaker 1: she writes in amy and ts, I'm in my late twenties.

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Speaker 1: I've been dating my partner for almost a year. I'm

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Speaker 1: headed over heels and truly believe he might be though

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Speaker 1: on the problem is my parents. I come from a

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Speaker 1: culture where family approval is considered essential before marriage. Because

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Speaker 1: my partner and I come from different backgrounds, I worry

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Speaker 1: that my parents won't accept him. They don't even know

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Speaker 1: I'm in a serious relationship. I'm torn between telling them

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Speaker 1: now or waiting until we're engaged. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: cause unnecessary conflict, but I also don't want to keep

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Speaker 1: such a big part of my life from them. What

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Speaker 1: would you do in my position Kai, both of us robes,

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Speaker 1: I think we were kind of in agreement on what

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Speaker 1: our advice was there.

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Speaker 2: Yes, and that family is important and that having your

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Speaker 2: family support your relationship is a good thing and having

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Speaker 2: them not support it is not a good thing. That

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Speaker 2: can be It's not the end all be all, but

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Speaker 2: certainly it doesn't help and it could only hinder a

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Speaker 2: relationship moving forward. So if you still have an opportunity

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Speaker 2: to get your family behind you and behind your relationship,

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Speaker 2: you should absolutely go for it. And the longer she waits,

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Speaker 2: the bigger adjustment and bigger difficulty that might be for

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Speaker 2: that acceptance.

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Speaker 1: Yes, and we were very clear and based on experience

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Speaker 1: as well, I think these are your parents, This is

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Speaker 1: your family. They love you, and they might surprise you

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Speaker 1: how they react and how they embrace. And yes, there

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Speaker 1: are going to be some hurt feelings that you didn't

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Speaker 1: come to them. Yes they're going to be a little

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Speaker 1: upset by that, but you're their child. They love you,

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Speaker 1: and that's I really do believe. Again, we've lived enough

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Speaker 1: life and experienced enough to where we have seen worry

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Speaker 1: about what a parent might do. But your parents love you,

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Speaker 1: and so that was our advice. But Robes you, as

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Speaker 1: people know we've been listening, you are the one that

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Speaker 1: goes through the comments. I hear them usually for the

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Speaker 1: first time when you read them to me here, so

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Speaker 1: I'm curious what the reaction was.

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Speaker 2: Yes, your reaction will be genuine and immediate, actually once

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Speaker 2: you hear all of these. But it's been funn men women,

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Speaker 2: mostly men. It's so funny right in and leave comments

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Speaker 2: along the section, but I have a blast reading them.

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Speaker 2: So the first comment comes from Rod, and Rod says

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Speaker 2: this to Kai. We are not indebted to our parents

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Speaker 2: by any stretch of the imagination. You're not property, whether

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Speaker 2: they plan for you or not. I didn't ask my

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Speaker 2: wife's father for her hand, and I don't care if

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Speaker 2: it upset any of her family. We're on twenty plus

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Speaker 2: years of marital bliss.

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Speaker 1: Okay, and that's fine, And that's okay, and that works.

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Speaker 1: I love that you give Kai something to think about,

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Speaker 1: but can't attack her for her situation possibly being different

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Speaker 1: from yours. We look everybody listening who grew up in

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Speaker 1: the United States of America has no concept for the

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Speaker 1: most part of what that means to be obligated almost

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Speaker 1: how does she say it in her thing? I'm it's essential.

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Speaker 2: She said, it's essential, it's essential.

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Speaker 1: We don't have any concept of that.

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Speaker 2: Necessarily, No, I don't have any concept of that, and

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Speaker 2: in fact, you know, but I do get what Rod

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Speaker 2: is saying about being property. I have always kind of

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Speaker 2: taken issue. I know, I don't want to upset traditionalists

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Speaker 2: out there, and certainly I had my father walk me

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Speaker 2: down the aisle. But later on I wondered why. I know,

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Speaker 2: that's a beautiful tradition, but when you actually think about

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Speaker 2: what it represents, you're being given to another man, it

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Speaker 2: feels a little odd and a little strange. So some

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Speaker 2: people have booked that tradition, even because of the idea

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Speaker 2: or where it comes from that you're a piece of

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Speaker 2: property to be decided. Your fate is decided by your father,

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Speaker 2: and then you're given to your husband. So I understand

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Speaker 2: where he's coming from. But I do think there are

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Speaker 2: sweet things about traditions. They don't have to be based

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Speaker 2: You don't have to believe what they were based on,

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Speaker 2: and still recognize that it is perhaps a kind thing

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Speaker 2: to do, It is perhaps a respectful thing to do

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Speaker 2: to make sure the parents are okay with the match,

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Speaker 2: but I get that it's archaic.

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Speaker 1: Okay. See, I am going a different direction from you

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Speaker 1: saying something is traditional versus respectful family culture and respect tradition. Here,

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Speaker 1: you don't want to walk down out, knock yourself out,

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Speaker 1: don't want to ask the father for the handima, knock

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Speaker 1: yourself out. I find those two things to be completely

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Speaker 1: unrelated to a young lady who is now saying, my

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Speaker 1: culture is one in which getting approval from parents matters

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Speaker 1: more than maybe anywhere else in the world. So I'm

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Speaker 1: trying to separate. You want to have that conversation about

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Speaker 1: walking down out, we can do that. Well, no, no, no,

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Speaker 1: I was being property.

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Speaker 2: Sure, I was just understanding perhaps where Rod was coming from.

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Speaker 2: But you're saying, yes, that has nothing to do with

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Speaker 2: where Kai is coming from, a little.

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Speaker 1: Separate from what she's doing. But again to his point,

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Speaker 1: which I do not take issue with what he's saying,

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Speaker 1: but applying it to her necessarily is.

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Speaker 2: I think he's just saying, making a decision based on

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Speaker 2: whether or not your family likes it or not shouldn't

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Speaker 2: be the basis of your decision basically, And people are.

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Speaker 1: Doing it every day, day in day out here even right,

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Speaker 1: I want my parents approval. I'm not saying I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to do something, but it does. It weighs on

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Speaker 1: all of us. That's the real thing we can always

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Speaker 1: all of us can relate to.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely. All right, we'll move on now to Amanda. Amanda

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Speaker 2: wrote this to Kai. It sounds like your parent's approval

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Speaker 2: is important to you, yet you've been lying for almost

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Speaker 2: a year. The longer you wait, the deeper the hole

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Speaker 2: you are digging yourself. I get waiting a month or two,

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Speaker 2: but after that, your parents should know, especially if their

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Speaker 2: approval and blessing is important to you. I think Amanda

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Speaker 2: made a really good point that yes, it's her culture. Yes,

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Speaker 2: that's how she was raised, regardless of where it came from.

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Speaker 2: She is acknowledging in this letter that she writes to

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Speaker 2: us that she wants that approval, She needs that approval

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Speaker 2: in her world, in her mind, in her heart.

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Speaker 1: But Amanda is I thought that was a very measured response.

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Speaker 1: But Amanda's asking the question, and I said it several times.

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Speaker 1: Every minute that goes by makes it worse than the

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Speaker 1: minute before. Just every single moment that passes makes this worse.

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Speaker 1: And so yeah, I appreciate, Amanda.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, the longer you wait, the deeper the hole you

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Speaker 2: are digging. And the truth is, my mom used to

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Speaker 2: say this to me. Just because you didn't outwardly tell

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Speaker 2: a lie by not giving someone important information, that is

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Speaker 2: a lie biomission and that's why Mom used to say,

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Speaker 2: you are lying by omission. And so she did use

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Speaker 2: the word lying, and I thought, oh, that's a little strong,

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Speaker 2: but then I heard my mom lying by omission is

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Speaker 2: still lying.

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Speaker 1: That's a tough way to put it, but you know

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Speaker 1: what kind of drives it home. It is accurate. I

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Speaker 1: don't think it's too harsh. You are looking at your

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Speaker 1: parents in the face every day. Possibly you are talking

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Speaker 1: to them every day. You are literally living an entire

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Speaker 1: life that's important to you. That you're saying now is

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Speaker 1: going to be a part of the rest of your life.

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Speaker 1: You're with somebody that's going to give them grandkids, and

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Speaker 1: you haven't told.

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Speaker 2: Them that he even exists.

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Speaker 1: That is lying to them on the days, on a

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Speaker 1: daily basis of what your life.

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Speaker 2: Is all right. Next we have Joe. Joe says this

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Speaker 2: to Kai. If you've been keeping it from your parents,

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Speaker 2: there is probably a reason you've been doing so. The

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Speaker 2: likely reason is that you know your parents will not

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Speaker 2: approve on some level. This is not a decision your

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Speaker 2: parents should be helping you make. It's your life. Tell

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Speaker 2: them when you are ready, can I I hadn't thought

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Speaker 2: about it from that perspective either, and I thought that

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Speaker 2: was a really good way to look at it.

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Speaker 1: She's not ready. Okay, that's fine, that is fine. But

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Speaker 1: what is the reason.

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Speaker 2: That's what he's asking her to ask.

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Speaker 1: Herself, why am I keeping this guy? Obviously, if he

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Speaker 1: was whatever Prince Charming that was in her culture that

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Speaker 1: she knew this was the guy they've been looking for for,

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Speaker 1: she would have brought Hi.

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Speaker 2: Right home immediately. She would have.

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Speaker 1: So what is this guy? Carli Black?

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Speaker 2: Isn't it?

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Speaker 1: My goods?

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Speaker 2: I'm laughing because you're laughing. I just want to point

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Speaker 2: that out. You laughed first by had a big old

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Speaker 2: smile on your face when you said it, with that

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Speaker 2: little cheshire cat brind that you have. But she, you know,

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Speaker 2: I wonder if it is just the fact that he

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Speaker 2: is a different culture or a different background, if there

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Speaker 2: are other things. Does he have a good job, does

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Speaker 2: he have all the other things that her parents want

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Speaker 2: in a mate for her. But I do agree with

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Speaker 2: Joe that ultimately it is her decision. She just has

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Speaker 2: to like ask herself why she's not telling them, and

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Speaker 2: then she has to decide for herself when the time

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Speaker 2: is like no one can tell her what to do

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Speaker 2: in this truly, I mean, she does have to decide

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Speaker 2: for herself.

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Speaker 1: Would you ever make a decision for yourself that you

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Speaker 1: knew was going to ruin a relationship with a family member?

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Speaker 2: That it's hard to do, tough, But if you're telling

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Speaker 2: them this is who I love, and they decide to

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Speaker 2: act and react a certain way, you just have to

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Speaker 2: be willing to live with their choice because you're choosing.

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Speaker 2: If you choose to bring it to them in love,

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Speaker 2: in transparency, in connection, in an effort to try and

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Speaker 2: make everybody have a connection moving forward, and they choose

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Speaker 2: not to accept it, that's on them, then it's no

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Speaker 2: longer on you.

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Speaker 1: And that's why I say, absolutely, if she tells them

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Speaker 1: they love you, I just yes, feelings are gonna be hurt,

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Speaker 1: tears are going to be shit, They're going to be upset.

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Speaker 2: There are families, though, you say, yeah, There are families though,

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Speaker 2: who will absolutely cease all communication and there are people

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Speaker 2: who wrote in some stories about having had that happen

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Speaker 2: to them, so it does exist. I do think that

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Speaker 2: would be on the rarer side of thing. It's hard

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Speaker 2: to imagine as a parent that you would be willing

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Speaker 2: to do that. You'd lose all contact with your daughter,

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Speaker 2: with your child because you don't like who they married,

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Speaker 2: then probably no families would ever talk to each other

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Speaker 2: because that probably happens daily.

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Speaker 1: All right, Well, we appreciate all of that writing in

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Speaker 1: and advice from Rod, Amanda and Joe, But why is

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Speaker 1: somebody from Texas taking issue with me and Robot and

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Speaker 1: saying we gave Kai terrible advice?

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Speaker 2: Welcome back to welcome a back. Why do I keep

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Speaker 2: doing that?

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Speaker 1: We're gonna make it a thing. I like it. Welcome aback,

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Speaker 1: Welcome back baby.

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Speaker 2: Why am I saying that? Wow, two days in a row,

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Speaker 2: Welcome back everyone to my obviously repetitive brain fart.

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Speaker 3: But we are here talking about Kai.

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Speaker 2: She has come to us asking us some relationship advice

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Speaker 2: on what she should do. Her boyfriend of nearly a year,

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Speaker 2: who she thinks will soon be her fiancee, is from

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Speaker 2: a different background, and so she's been afraid to bring

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Speaker 2: him around and tell her parents about him, and she

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Speaker 2: wants to know when she should do it. We gave

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Speaker 2: our advice to Kai in the latest Yahoo column that

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Speaker 2: drops every Monday in the Life section. But now we

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Speaker 2: are having some fun reading your comments. Readers comments about

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Speaker 2: what Kai should do. In Native Texan that's what the

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Speaker 2: name is on this comment or had some words for us.

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Speaker 1: First, Okay, I still haven't heard this. I am going

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Speaker 1: to hear this for the first time with you all.

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Speaker 1: Cant wait.

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Speaker 2: So Native Texan says this, what terrible advice from this article?

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Speaker 1: Okay?

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Speaker 2: That was our advice.

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Speaker 1: By the way, all.

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Speaker 2: Right, her private life is not her parent's business, especially

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Speaker 2: if they are judgmental and unsupportive. It is the parent's

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Speaker 2: fault for pushing her away and making her feel she

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Speaker 2: cannot confide in them. She should go live her life

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Speaker 2: unless she wants to remain under her parent's thumb.

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Speaker 1: Okay, let's go back to the part. Let's take it

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Speaker 1: line by line. First line was what again.

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Speaker 2: What terrible advice from this article?

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Speaker 1: Okay? And again I don't know how the person said it,

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Speaker 1: how it came off, and we were sitting face to face.

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Speaker 1: It might come off as sarcastic or funny, what terrible advice?

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Speaker 1: You guys are crazy or in writing it comes off me,

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Speaker 1: or you could take issue with the advice. And this

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Speaker 1: is you know. I'm big on words and how we communicate.

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Speaker 1: You can communicate with someone say I would never say that,

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Speaker 1: or I would try it this way, or there are

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Speaker 1: ways we can communicate with people that just doesn't come

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Speaker 1: off as you're an idiot.

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Speaker 2: When you're native Texan, though, you're anonymous and you can

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Speaker 2: say whatever you want.

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Speaker 1: So that's line one, Line two. What was the next sentence?

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Speaker 2: Her private life is not her parents' business, especially if

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Speaker 2: they are judgmental and unsupportive.

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Speaker 1: Now, everybody out there who's in a relationship and who

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Speaker 1: has parents, apply that to your life. It doesn't apply.

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Speaker 1: You can say that in theory all day long that

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Speaker 1: your relationship isn't your parents' business, but it is and

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Speaker 1: they're involved in it. I'm not saying they have a

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Speaker 1: say over it and they should guide and dictate. But

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Speaker 1: all of us want our parents to appreciate, embrace love,

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Speaker 1: except our mate, and it throws us when they don't,

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Speaker 1: and we want to make it what we all want

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Speaker 1: that approval. I'm not saying it's the end of the world.

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Speaker 1: But to suggest that, oh, well, your parents don't like it,

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Speaker 1: going with your life, be a big girl. That's that's

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Speaker 1: tough to accept.

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Speaker 2: It's tough because every Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate

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Speaker 2: with your family, birthdays, you're probably going to have children

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Speaker 2: with this person if you marry them. So that is

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Speaker 2: a part of your parent.

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Speaker 3: In literally intermingling with the mate you choose, and then

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Speaker 3: you all have to mingle at all of life's events

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Speaker 3: that happened over the years.

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Speaker 2: And so if there is animosity, if there is hatred,

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Speaker 2: if there is disapproval, that is going to seep into

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Speaker 2: every part of your relationship.

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Speaker 1: It just is. So it's just and I know we

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Speaker 1: speak oftentimes through our own experience experiences, but we have

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Speaker 1: to be a little respectful at least of what somebody

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Speaker 1: else might be going through and the idea that we

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Speaker 1: could be so dismissive of, oh, you're a grown woman.

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Speaker 1: You don't want your parents' approval, Yes, we all need.

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Speaker 2: Well, it's funny you just said that last thing, you said,

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Speaker 2: you're a grown woman, Okay, because that's kind of the

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Speaker 2: tone of this last comment. And I do think that

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Speaker 2: perhaps the person who wrote this change their user name

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Speaker 2: just to reiterate what their yeah, to reiterate what their

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Speaker 2: advice was going to be. So this comes from my decision,

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Speaker 2: all right, my decision, right?

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Speaker 1: Can you tell if it's a man or a woman?

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Speaker 1: You know what.

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Speaker 2: I think it might be a man.

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Speaker 1: Okay, let's see.

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Speaker 2: But my decision sounds like something a woman would say. Obviously,

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Speaker 2: my body, my choice, I get it. So it does

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Speaker 2: sound like something a woman would say. But when you

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Speaker 2: hear the advice, it could go either way. Okay, my decision,

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Speaker 2: writes to Kai and says the parents will also blame

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Speaker 2: the boyfriend for not being told. They can't blame their

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Speaker 2: baby girl because they love her so and they will

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Speaker 2: throw shade at the boyfriend. You are telling them you

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Speaker 2: are in a relationship not asking permission. If you are

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Speaker 2: an adult, act like one exclamation point.

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Speaker 1: Okay, wow, I was against it and now I'm with it.

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Speaker 1: The last part there, Kai, take that to heart. If

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Speaker 1: you walk in with that approach that I am letting

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Speaker 1: you all into this that's happening with me versus me

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Speaker 1: having to introduce this into you all's world. I am

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Speaker 1: letting you all know I am in a relationship. I'm

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Speaker 1: not asking for your permission to be in it that

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Speaker 1: I am okay with.

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Speaker 2: I think that's a great way that.

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Speaker 1: Mindset the first part of that back.

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Speaker 2: Again, the parents will also blame the boyfriend for not

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Speaker 2: being told okay.

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Speaker 1: That is actually a scenario I hadn't thought about and

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Speaker 1: that KAI needs to consider. Obviously, we know she's making

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Speaker 1: it worse and worse and worse for herself and the

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Speaker 1: boyfriend as the time goes by. But what if the

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Speaker 1: parents are looking at her and have a my child

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Speaker 1: can do no wrong attitude, and now they hate your boyfriend.

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Speaker 2: Even more than that is That's what my decision is saying.

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Speaker 2: Could very much be the case. And he used or

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Speaker 2: she used whoever's lots of exclamation points, which could also

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Speaker 2: point to a girl, because I too like to use

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Speaker 2: lots of exclamation points when I make comments.

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Speaker 1: Their little heart emojis thanks to it.

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Speaker 2: I know that i'd know it was a girl, yes,

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Speaker 2: but I did not think about how much that could

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Speaker 2: affect the boyfriend. We talked about that in our earlier podcast. Obviously,

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Speaker 2: that has to feel like he's being rejected when his

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Speaker 2: own girlfriend isn't willing to bring him around, But that

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Speaker 2: is a good point that the parents could be very

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Speaker 2: much like my baby girl.

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Speaker 1: She would never do this. What has he done to her?

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Speaker 1: He's brainwashed her?

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Speaker 2: They could completely this isn't our daughter. Our daughter would

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Speaker 2: never have done this, only if she's been, yes, brainwashed

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Speaker 2: by a man who isn't like us, who doesn't know us,

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Speaker 2: who doesn't understand us. That makes a lot of sense. Well,

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Speaker 2: we appreciate all of the comments. They are so fun

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Speaker 2: to read, and it's interesting too when they go beyond

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Speaker 2: or they differ from what we think the reader or

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Speaker 2: whoever is coming to us with a question wants an

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Speaker 2: answer for. So I think it's cool to keep our

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Speaker 2: hearts and minds open always when we take in all

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Speaker 2: this different advice. But we wish Kai the very best,

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Speaker 2: hope she makes the right decision, and we're going to

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Speaker 2: try to follow up with some of our folks. We've

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Speaker 2: said this before, but we really would like to bring

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Speaker 2: you some episodes in the.

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Speaker 3: Coming weeks or months maybe where we do know what.

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Speaker 2: Our readers actually decided to do after getting the advice,

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Speaker 2: not just from us, but from the readers as well.

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Speaker 2: So thank you for listening to us on this Thursday.

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Speaker 2: I mean you, Roebuck alongside TJ. Holmes, have a great day, everybody,