WEBVTT - Mel Robbins ON: Why You Can’t Stop Procrastinating & How to Eliminate Self-Doubt in 5 Seconds 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:02.400 You don't even know the number of amazing things you 0:00:02.480 --> 0:00:05.680 do every day. Instead, you focus and ruminate on the 0:00:05.720 --> 0:00:08.119 one thing you didn't get to and then you use 0:00:08.200 --> 0:00:11.119 that as evidence again dust on the mirror to see 0:00:11.119 --> 0:00:13.640 a human being that's not measuring up and never will 0:00:13.720 --> 0:00:16.279 and all that stuff. They're stupid. Fourth grade teacher said, 0:00:16.360 --> 0:00:19.119 you must be true dust on the mirror. No, you 0:00:19.239 --> 0:00:29.360 need to interrupt this here we Hey everyone, welcome back 0:00:29.360 --> 0:00:32.680 to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. 0:00:32.720 --> 0:00:34.239 Thanks to each and every single one of you that 0:00:34.320 --> 0:00:37.920 come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. And 0:00:38.120 --> 0:00:40.320 I am so excited to be talking to you today. 0:00:40.640 --> 0:00:43.519 I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of 0:00:43.600 --> 0:00:47.279 Love is out and I cannot wait to share it 0:00:47.320 --> 0:00:50.080 with you. I am so so excited for you to 0:00:50.120 --> 0:00:52.280 read this book, for you to listen to this book. 0:00:52.320 --> 0:00:55.040 I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already, 0:00:55.480 --> 0:00:58.640 make sure you go to eight Rules of Love dot com. 0:00:58.680 --> 0:01:02.280 It's dedicated to any one who's trying to find, keep, 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:04.880 or let go of love. So if you've got friends 0:01:04.880 --> 0:01:08.240 that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make 0:01:08.280 --> 0:01:10.840 sure you grab this book. And I'd love to invite 0:01:10.840 --> 0:01:13.440 you to come and see me for my global tour 0:01:13.880 --> 0:01:17.480 Love Rules. Go to Jay shedytour dot com to learn 0:01:17.520 --> 0:01:22.400 more information about tickets, VIP experiences and more. I can't 0:01:22.400 --> 0:01:25.120 wait to see you this year. Now. Today's guest is 0:01:25.200 --> 0:01:29.520 a longtime friend, someone that I deeply admire. I can't 0:01:29.520 --> 0:01:32.640 wait to have this conversation with her. Her books, her 0:01:32.680 --> 0:01:36.600 audiobooks have been revolutionary, They've been absolutely phenomenal. And finally, 0:01:36.640 --> 0:01:38.280 this is I can't believe this is the first time 0:01:38.319 --> 0:01:41.920 we actually have a On Purpose. I'm speaking about the 0:01:41.959 --> 0:01:45.080 one and only Mel Robins. For those of you that 0:01:45.160 --> 0:01:47.600 don't know, she's one of the leading voices in personal 0:01:47.640 --> 0:01:52.400 development and transformation and an international best selling author. Her 0:01:52.400 --> 0:01:55.960 work includes The Global Phenomenon, The Five Second Rule, and 0:01:56.000 --> 0:01:58.800 the upcoming book that we're talking about today, The High 0:01:58.800 --> 0:02:01.160 Five Habit, and you can join the High Five Habit 0:02:01.320 --> 0:02:05.280 Challenge through the link in our description. Plus, she has 0:02:05.320 --> 0:02:08.400 four number one best selling audiobooks, the number one podcast 0:02:08.440 --> 0:02:11.880 on Audible, as well as signature online courses that have 0:02:12.000 --> 0:02:16.560 changed the lives of more than half a million students worldwide. 0:02:16.880 --> 0:02:21.880 Please welcome to On Purpose, Mel Robin's mouth. I love you, 0:02:22.120 --> 0:02:24.519 I gotta like Oh, yes, there we go, let's do both. 0:02:24.560 --> 0:02:27.160 I don't know if I do that. I think I 0:02:27.240 --> 0:02:29.920 just called the muscle on my Rarebut okay, I can't 0:02:29.919 --> 0:02:33.040 believe this is your first time here. Well, first of all, 0:02:33.080 --> 0:02:38.359 thank you because you've invited me, and um, I just 0:02:38.600 --> 0:02:42.760 knew I wanted to wait until I had something truly 0:02:42.880 --> 0:02:46.840 extraordinary to talk to you about that I do. That 0:02:46.960 --> 0:02:50.080 just shows how modest you are, because you always have 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:53.080 something extraordinary to talk about that. I too, am happy 0:02:53.080 --> 0:02:55.760 today we're talking about this incredible new book, The High 0:02:55.919 --> 0:02:59.560 Five Habit, Take control of your life with one simple habit, 0:02:59.760 --> 0:03:02.400 the book that I want everyone who's listening right now 0:03:02.680 --> 0:03:04.400 to go out and order. I know we haven't even 0:03:04.400 --> 0:03:07.400 started the conversation yet, but I'm so confident in what 0:03:07.480 --> 0:03:10.200 I've read from the book, my conversation with Mel, not 0:03:10.320 --> 0:03:13.920 just online but offline. And Mel, I know you have 0:03:13.919 --> 0:03:17.720 an interesting story about how this relates to me somehow, 0:03:17.720 --> 0:03:19.720 which you mentioned to me. I do, and I've been 0:03:19.720 --> 0:03:21.920 holding back since you walked in the room. I was like, 0:03:21.960 --> 0:03:24.160 save it for the podcast, save it for the podcast. 0:03:24.360 --> 0:03:27.520 Can you reveal my connection with the High five Habit? 0:03:27.639 --> 0:03:32.080 I sure can. Okay, So when I was coming on 0:03:32.520 --> 0:03:37.000 it dawned on me what an incredibly deep and profound 0:03:37.080 --> 0:03:40.680 connection that you and I share around what we're about 0:03:40.720 --> 0:03:44.200 to talk about now, Like everybody on the planet, I 0:03:44.400 --> 0:03:48.640 devoured your book. I literally dog eared it. I highlighted it. 0:03:49.080 --> 0:03:53.640 And on page seven there is a story that you 0:03:53.720 --> 0:03:59.200 tell that is a beautiful metaphor that illustrates the external 0:03:59.240 --> 0:04:03.400 influences that obscure our true selves. You know what story 0:04:03.440 --> 0:04:06.120 I'm talking about? I do I believe it's that? Is 0:04:06.120 --> 0:04:08.760 it dust or is it me? Yes? Is that about 0:04:08.760 --> 0:04:12.920 the mirror? And yes, yes, And so the story is 0:04:13.400 --> 0:04:16.560 all about this metaphor of up in this attic of 0:04:16.560 --> 0:04:19.880 the Ashram, there's a mirror with a thick layer of dust. 0:04:20.560 --> 0:04:23.120 And when you look at a mirror that's accumulated a 0:04:23.120 --> 0:04:28.839 thick layer of dust, you can't truly see yourself, your soul, 0:04:29.080 --> 0:04:33.760 your spirit, and the dust comes from your life, it's 0:04:33.800 --> 0:04:37.840 not you. I'm going to get like super emotional already 0:04:38.120 --> 0:04:41.120 because the high five habit is how you wipe the 0:04:41.200 --> 0:04:43.600 dust away. I know. And when I was reading that, 0:04:44.000 --> 0:04:47.919 For anyone who's not watching right now, mel is on 0:04:48.040 --> 0:04:52.920 the verge of tears. But if you're listening when I 0:04:52.920 --> 0:04:55.240 opened up the high five habit, and you tell that 0:04:55.360 --> 0:04:59.400 story for you. Yeah, of you're looking in the mirror 0:04:59.440 --> 0:05:01.480 as we all do in the morning when we wake 0:05:01.560 --> 0:05:05.920 up to brush our teeth, and you're criticizing yourself. You're 0:05:06.040 --> 0:05:09.880 poking holes in your appearance, in how you wish you 0:05:09.960 --> 0:05:12.359 worked out more, how you've got such a long to 0:05:12.400 --> 0:05:14.479 do list today, how you have no energy, how you'd 0:05:14.560 --> 0:05:17.440 rather curl up and watch TV and do nothing for 0:05:17.440 --> 0:05:19.720 the rest of the day. And that is an experience 0:05:19.760 --> 0:05:23.640 that we all have had more than we even think 0:05:23.760 --> 0:05:25.440 like we've had that daily. A lot of us have 0:05:25.480 --> 0:05:28.520 had that for months and even years. And so it's 0:05:28.520 --> 0:05:32.080 amazing how that story also starts looking in the mirror. Yes, 0:05:32.360 --> 0:05:36.360 tell us about what has changed about how you look 0:05:36.400 --> 0:05:39.360 in the mirror today with the high five habit. So 0:05:39.520 --> 0:05:43.400 I have been practicing this habit for a little over 0:05:43.480 --> 0:05:47.440 a year, and it all began in April of twenty twenty. 0:05:47.520 --> 0:05:49.479 And this is not something that I was like, Okay, 0:05:49.520 --> 0:05:50.880 I got to write a book. It's got to have 0:05:50.960 --> 0:05:52.760 a five in it. It's going to be five years 0:05:52.760 --> 0:05:55.320 since I've written a book. Thank you, dyslexia and ADHD. 0:05:55.760 --> 0:05:57.039 What am I going to write about what am I? 0:05:57.080 --> 0:06:01.480 That's not how this happened. The high five saved me. 0:06:02.000 --> 0:06:04.279 It was a ladder that helped me climb out of 0:06:04.279 --> 0:06:09.400 a hole I had fallen into emotionally, physically, spiritually. And 0:06:10.040 --> 0:06:14.320 a year later, after practicing what is going to sound 0:06:14.360 --> 0:06:20.640 like a weird, stupid thing which you will resist and Jay, 0:06:20.720 --> 0:06:23.359 you and I are going to unpack this because it's sad. 0:06:23.839 --> 0:06:26.560 Why everybody resists it. It has to do with the 0:06:26.640 --> 0:06:31.200 dust that's accumulated. And I will tell you, after a 0:06:31.320 --> 0:06:37.080 year of practicing this, I don't even see a face 0:06:37.200 --> 0:06:41.080 or a body. I see a soul. I don't even 0:06:41.160 --> 0:06:43.560 have to high five myself. I still do because it 0:06:43.600 --> 0:06:45.760 feels good. And we're going to explain the science that 0:06:46.000 --> 0:06:50.240 is bananas about why this actually works for everybody who 0:06:50.279 --> 0:06:55.040 tries it. Because this is not something that's new. You 0:06:55.080 --> 0:06:58.320 are tapping into programming that's already in your mind and 0:06:58.400 --> 0:07:02.320 body and now directing it back at yourself. It's incredible. 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:09.560 I don't ever criticize myself. I don't ever see what's wrong. 0:07:10.080 --> 0:07:13.520 I see a human being who's trying, who deserves love 0:07:13.560 --> 0:07:16.360 and respect, and I know that it's my job to 0:07:16.400 --> 0:07:19.200 give it to her. You know, the five second rule, 0:07:19.400 --> 0:07:21.960 which I created, I don't know over a decade ago, 0:07:22.040 --> 0:07:24.480 that's gone on to help me change my whole life. 0:07:24.560 --> 0:07:26.920 It's a little starting ritual and a brain hack that 0:07:27.000 --> 0:07:29.440 you can use to help yourself take the actions and 0:07:29.520 --> 0:07:32.680 change the thoughts that change your life. It helped me 0:07:32.720 --> 0:07:35.800 be more productive, It helped me get stuff done. The 0:07:35.920 --> 0:07:39.160 high five habit has changed who I am. It has 0:07:39.240 --> 0:07:44.280 deleted a lifetime of criticism and negativity from my mind, 0:07:44.760 --> 0:07:49.080 and it has reprogrammed the soundtrack to be somebody that's 0:07:49.080 --> 0:07:54.200 supportive and a cheerleader. It's extraordinary. That's so beautiful to 0:07:54.280 --> 0:07:59.120 hear because I think so often we like to oscillate 0:07:59.200 --> 0:08:02.880 from one extreme to another. So people start by criticizing 0:08:02.880 --> 0:08:07.880 themselves and then sometimes we've heard in the toxic positivity 0:08:07.920 --> 0:08:11.320 movement of we'll just tell yourself you're amazing and tell 0:08:11.400 --> 0:08:15.239 yourself you're incredible, And to me, that doesn't always work either, 0:08:15.280 --> 0:08:18.520 because it doesn't struggle to say it with feeling and 0:08:18.680 --> 0:08:21.280 meaning and belief. But what I love about what you're 0:08:21.320 --> 0:08:25.040 sharing with the high five habit is that it's actually 0:08:25.080 --> 0:08:28.400 looking at no You're trying let me be supportive, Let 0:08:28.440 --> 0:08:31.760 me be encouraging. Let me use my words to notice 0:08:32.040 --> 0:08:34.880 that which I want to grow and work on. But 0:08:34.960 --> 0:08:40.839 I'm not creating an artificial illusion of either criticism or perfection, 0:08:41.679 --> 0:08:44.760 both of which are unreal. Well, and here's the extraordinary thing. 0:08:46.160 --> 0:08:49.560 You don't have to say a word. You don't have 0:08:49.640 --> 0:08:51.880 to say a word. Like. One of the reasons why 0:08:52.040 --> 0:08:54.400 mantras don't work for so many people is you choose 0:08:54.480 --> 0:08:57.280 something you don't believe, and so as you stand before 0:08:57.280 --> 0:08:59.440 a mirror or you say it to yourself after a 0:08:59.480 --> 0:09:02.520 lifetime of beating yourself up, your brain's like, Yep, no, 0:09:02.679 --> 0:09:05.120 we don't believe that. Because you've told me the other 0:09:05.320 --> 0:09:08.080 opposite story for so long, I'm not going to buy 0:09:08.080 --> 0:09:10.800 it now. You know, I gotta tell you, like how 0:09:10.800 --> 0:09:13.040 this all went down, because it's in the kind of 0:09:13.160 --> 0:09:17.520 unfolding of the story that there's layer after layer after layer. 0:09:18.440 --> 0:09:23.600 So you know, the backdrop of this is that it 0:09:23.720 --> 0:09:25.319 was you know, I think we all have that moment 0:09:25.320 --> 0:09:28.640 when we knew that COVID was going to change your 0:09:28.640 --> 0:09:32.160 life forever. When was that moment for you? I was 0:09:32.200 --> 0:09:34.200 one of the optimistic ones when it first happened. I 0:09:34.200 --> 0:09:35.480 was like, ah, the world's going to deal with this 0:09:35.520 --> 0:09:37.400 in like a month or maybe three months, And so 0:09:37.440 --> 0:09:39.600 I think it was about three months in where I 0:09:39.679 --> 0:09:42.400 was like, Okay, I have no idea how this is going, 0:09:42.559 --> 0:09:44.720 and this is not what I expected. So I'd say 0:09:44.760 --> 0:09:49.200 about three months in, I'd say probably about that June time, 0:09:49.520 --> 0:09:51.920 June twenty twenty got it. Yeah, Well, for me, it 0:09:52.000 --> 0:09:55.920 happened on a Wednesday in March of twenty twenty, yeah, early, 0:09:55.960 --> 0:09:58.600 because I was taping my daytime talk show at CBS 0:09:58.640 --> 0:10:00.560 Broadcast Center and they walked in and said they had 0:10:00.600 --> 0:10:03.160 found it in the building, and within five minutes we 0:10:03.200 --> 0:10:06.600 had to evacuate. Show canceled. I'm fired from my dream job. 0:10:06.960 --> 0:10:10.599 I'm driving home to Boston, Massachusetts, which is where my 0:10:10.679 --> 0:10:12.560 husband and I have raised our kids. I see New 0:10:12.640 --> 0:10:15.960 York City disappearing in the skyline phone rings. It's our 0:10:16.040 --> 0:10:19.719 daughter who's studying abroad for college, and they're shutting down 0:10:19.760 --> 0:10:22.200 the borders. Then the other daughter, they're closing down the 0:10:22.280 --> 0:10:26.160 university here in California. We all get home and speech 0:10:26.280 --> 0:10:29.640 after speech after speech gets canceled. And then a publisher 0:10:29.679 --> 0:10:32.679 i'd been working with on a totally different book concept 0:10:32.840 --> 0:10:36.199 cancels that contract, and now I've got to give money 0:10:36.200 --> 0:10:39.760 back that I've already spent. There's no PPP loans yet 0:10:39.800 --> 0:10:41.880 I have no idea how I'm going to make payroll. 0:10:42.240 --> 0:10:45.720 My kids are in a complete state of crisis and 0:10:45.880 --> 0:10:49.720 break down because their lives are now just imploding before 0:10:49.760 --> 0:10:52.520 their eyes. I'm worried about the world. I'm worried about 0:10:52.520 --> 0:10:57.120 frontline workers, and I feel the weight of the world 0:10:57.600 --> 0:11:00.840 on my shoulders. And I wake up one morning in 0:11:00.880 --> 0:11:04.040 April and it's a very familiar feeling. This is not 0:11:04.120 --> 0:11:07.360 a book about the pandemic. This is a book about 0:11:07.559 --> 0:11:11.560 how you pick yourself up when you feel like you 0:11:11.720 --> 0:11:15.680 just don't know how to face your life. So I 0:11:15.720 --> 0:11:19.280 woke up that morning and I felt defeated. I felt overwhelmed. 0:11:19.320 --> 0:11:22.120 I felt exhausted. I used the five second rule five 0:11:22.120 --> 0:11:24.280 four three two one to get out of bed. I 0:11:24.360 --> 0:11:26.240 make the bed so I don't crawl back into it, 0:11:26.800 --> 0:11:29.480 and I go to the bathroom and I'm standing there 0:11:29.480 --> 0:11:31.559 in the bathroom and I'm brushing my teeth. And as 0:11:31.600 --> 0:11:34.360 I'm brushing my teeth, I catch a glimpse of myself 0:11:34.400 --> 0:11:39.720 in the mirror, and I think, oh my god, you 0:11:39.880 --> 0:11:45.199 look like hell. And then my mind started to criticize 0:11:45.240 --> 0:11:48.199 the woman in the mirror, the dark circles under her eyes, 0:11:48.280 --> 0:11:51.040 the saggy neck, one breast is hanging lower than the other. 0:11:51.160 --> 0:11:53.840 Just the beatdown begins. And then, of course, once you 0:11:53.920 --> 0:11:56.160 go there you teach this, your mind is just going 0:11:56.240 --> 0:11:58.880 to keep on taking you down. And so it became 0:11:58.920 --> 0:12:00.480 why did you get up so late and you got 0:12:00.520 --> 0:12:02.240 a zoom call in eight minutes and you haven't even 0:12:02.280 --> 0:12:05.280 walked the dog? And you know what's interesting about this moment, Jay, 0:12:06.240 --> 0:12:08.920 if you had walked in the bathroom in that moment, 0:12:09.320 --> 0:12:11.559 I would have been able to turn on a dime. 0:12:12.120 --> 0:12:15.760 I would have said, Jay, I know it's a lot. 0:12:16.760 --> 0:12:19.679 You don't deserve this, but if anybody can handle this, 0:12:19.760 --> 0:12:22.560 you can. I know you can't. I would have lifted 0:12:22.600 --> 0:12:25.240 you up like just it would have been if for effortless. 0:12:26.000 --> 0:12:30.319 But standing there alone in my underwear in my own bathroom, 0:12:31.600 --> 0:12:34.040 I couldn't think of anything to say. And in fact, 0:12:34.120 --> 0:12:35.960 here's the thing. I don't think I would have believed 0:12:36.000 --> 0:12:38.640 it because of what you just said. It didn't match 0:12:39.240 --> 0:12:42.439 how I was feeling. Now. I don't know what came 0:12:42.480 --> 0:12:46.960 over me because it sounds ridiculous. I've never done this before, 0:12:47.880 --> 0:12:53.000 but I suddenly found myself raising my hand and high 0:12:53.000 --> 0:12:56.960 fiving that woman I saw in the mirror because she 0:12:57.120 --> 0:13:01.640 needed it. And here's the thing. It's not like lightning struck, right, 0:13:01.679 --> 0:13:04.120 you know, it's not like the heavens parted, nangels are 0:13:04.160 --> 0:13:09.160 like life. That's not what happened. The dogs still needed 0:13:09.200 --> 0:13:11.280 to be walked. I still had endless things. I was 0:13:11.320 --> 0:13:14.920 still worried, but something in me shifted. It was weird, 0:13:15.880 --> 0:13:18.160 and it was kind of this thing because I thought 0:13:18.200 --> 0:13:20.800 a lot about this moment. It's like my shoulders dropped 0:13:20.800 --> 0:13:23.560 and my chin lifted, and I didn't even like say 0:13:23.600 --> 0:13:26.400 anything positive. It's like there was this energy flip, and 0:13:26.440 --> 0:13:30.160 the energy felt a little bit more, not very ja shetty, 0:13:30.280 --> 0:13:33.160 more kind of mel robbins. Oh, come on, get out there, 0:13:33.520 --> 0:13:36.559 stop complaining, get yourself, come on, you can do this. 0:13:36.679 --> 0:13:38.280 Like it was sort of that sort of all right, 0:13:38.360 --> 0:13:42.000 here we go. But it was the second morning. The 0:13:42.200 --> 0:13:50.000 second morning is when everything changed. I wake up, same problems, 0:13:50.320 --> 0:13:55.760 same overwhelm, exhausted, defeated, tired, five four three two one. 0:13:55.880 --> 0:13:57.440 I get out of bed, I make the bed. I 0:13:57.480 --> 0:14:02.679 start walking to the bathroom, and JA, I noticed that 0:14:02.720 --> 0:14:07.320 I was feeling something I had never felt in my 0:14:07.800 --> 0:14:13.040 entire life, and it was this. You know, when you're 0:14:13.080 --> 0:14:15.360 about to meet a friend, somebody really like at a 0:14:15.400 --> 0:14:18.560 Cafe'm going to go have a cup of tea. What 0:14:18.640 --> 0:14:25.400 do you feel right before you walk in the door. Excitement, enthusiasm, energy, joy, 0:14:27.000 --> 0:14:31.600 positive nervousness like that that kind of like butterflies, even 0:14:31.760 --> 0:14:34.520 in the in a positive sense. Yeah. So at this moment, 0:14:34.560 --> 0:14:37.720 I was fifty one years old. In fifty one years 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:42.200 of being alive, I don't ever remember feeling that feeling 0:14:42.240 --> 0:14:45.880 about seeing myself. Wow, for the first time in my life, 0:14:45.880 --> 0:14:50.800 I had this sensation that I was excited to see 0:14:50.840 --> 0:14:55.320 the human being. Mel Robbins. Now I've been excited to 0:14:55.320 --> 0:14:59.400 see an outfit or excited to see a haircut, I 0:14:59.520 --> 0:15:04.480 have never been excited to see the person. And so 0:15:04.560 --> 0:15:08.640 I round the corner and this sense of how profound 0:15:08.680 --> 0:15:12.560 this is is hitting me and I'm standing there brushing 0:15:12.600 --> 0:15:17.560 my teeth and I realize something really wild. There are 0:15:17.640 --> 0:15:21.480 always two of you in the bathroom together. There's you, 0:15:22.800 --> 0:15:26.000 and there is a human being in the mirror, a 0:15:26.040 --> 0:15:29.840 person who needs you, a person who has been waiting 0:15:30.240 --> 0:15:33.120 for you to wake up and realize they are there 0:15:33.800 --> 0:15:36.600 and they need you to see them and to hear them, 0:15:36.960 --> 0:15:40.880 and to love them and to support them. And so 0:15:41.400 --> 0:15:44.160 what's interesting, because you brought up morning routines, right, is 0:15:44.160 --> 0:15:46.440 that we all talk about the importance of setting our 0:15:46.520 --> 0:15:48.440 day up because it's how it ends up. We talk 0:15:48.440 --> 0:15:51.960 about gratitude and meditation, and we know the extraordinary benefits 0:15:51.960 --> 0:15:55.800 of it. But I don't think anybody has truly amplified 0:15:55.840 --> 0:15:58.800 the fact that there is this dirty habit that we 0:15:58.840 --> 0:16:02.040 all have every single morning that is a part of 0:16:02.080 --> 0:16:05.960 your morning routine unless you have weeded this out, and 0:16:06.040 --> 0:16:11.800 it is a habit of either ignoring yourself or beating 0:16:11.800 --> 0:16:14.840 the heck out of yourself every single morning. In the mirror. 0:16:15.120 --> 0:16:17.960 I mean, nine percent of women don't like how they look. 0:16:18.280 --> 0:16:20.880 Fifty percent of us can't even look at ourselves in 0:16:20.920 --> 0:16:22.680 the mirror. That's what I was about to say, that 0:16:22.800 --> 0:16:26.360 eye contact. I think there's such a struggle what you 0:16:26.440 --> 0:16:28.600 just rightly said. It's not just that we beat ourselves up, 0:16:28.600 --> 0:16:32.680 will criticize we can't even look at ourselves. How does 0:16:32.800 --> 0:16:35.280 how does the high five habit help us get that? Oh, 0:16:35.280 --> 0:16:38.280 it's incredible. Yeah, it's absolutely. Let's let's talk about the 0:16:38.280 --> 0:16:39.960 habits and then we can break it down. Yeah. Yeah, 0:16:39.960 --> 0:16:41.720 that's because I know part of it is practicing in 0:16:41.760 --> 0:16:45.360 the bathroom. Yes, yes, let's break it down. Okay. So 0:16:45.400 --> 0:16:47.280 here's where you're gonna feel when you do it. It's 0:16:47.360 --> 0:16:49.400 very simple. You're gonna look at yourself in the mirror 0:16:49.400 --> 0:16:51.280 and you're going to leverage some research out of Harvard 0:16:51.480 --> 0:16:53.720 Move talk about that too, Yeah, dive into that. So 0:16:53.920 --> 0:16:55.600 you're basically just going to look at yourself in the 0:16:55.640 --> 0:16:58.200 mirror and you're gonna ask yourself, what is that human 0:16:58.240 --> 0:17:00.440 being need for me today? How can I show up 0:17:00.440 --> 0:17:03.080 for him or her day? How do I do that today? Kindness? 0:17:03.080 --> 0:17:04.800 Do I need to be more courageous or bold? You 0:17:04.880 --> 0:17:09.240 kind of set this intention for yourself and then you're 0:17:09.240 --> 0:17:11.360 simply going to raise your hand and you're gonna high 0:17:11.359 --> 0:17:13.840 five yourself. Now, a couple of things I want you 0:17:13.880 --> 0:17:17.879 to expect. Number One, it will feel weird. Period. It 0:17:17.920 --> 0:17:21.719 feels weird for everybody because it is the opposite of 0:17:21.760 --> 0:17:24.040 what you're doing right now, and so your brain is 0:17:24.080 --> 0:17:28.159 going to reject it as odd. Number Two, you're either 0:17:28.480 --> 0:17:32.880 going to have one of two reactions. That's it. There's 0:17:32.960 --> 0:17:36.320 no middle ground. You will either have a very profound 0:17:36.480 --> 0:17:40.359 positive experience where you're going to laugh, probably because it 0:17:40.440 --> 0:17:43.359 kind of feels good and it's kind of silly, or 0:17:43.400 --> 0:17:45.960 you're going to burst into tears in a positive way 0:17:46.920 --> 0:17:50.399 because it's a release that you have finally woken up 0:17:50.440 --> 0:17:53.720 and started supporting yourself. You just got it, and that's 0:17:53.760 --> 0:17:57.399 where the tears come from. But more likely, although maybe 0:17:57.440 --> 0:18:00.200 not for you because you're a fan of this podcast, 0:18:00.240 --> 0:18:05.320 but more likely you will feel resistance. And the resistance 0:18:05.560 --> 0:18:09.680 is the dust on the mirror. Every single morning, Jay, 0:18:10.720 --> 0:18:14.600 we bring with us our entire past. Whatever has been 0:18:14.640 --> 0:18:17.680 done to you, whether it's trauma or discrimination, or abuse 0:18:17.800 --> 0:18:21.199 or neglect or abandonment, it is standing between you and 0:18:21.280 --> 0:18:24.919 the mirror. It's the dust. And you see that dust 0:18:24.960 --> 0:18:28.240 and you say that means that I am not worthy, 0:18:28.359 --> 0:18:30.760 I am not lovable. So you see a human being 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:34.320 that's distorted, and you say to yourself, because of what's happened, 0:18:34.720 --> 0:18:38.440 I don't deserve a high five. Or if you're a 0:18:38.520 --> 0:18:40.880 human being, you've done a ton of stuff that you regret, 0:18:41.440 --> 0:18:43.520 and so all the things that wish you could change, 0:18:43.560 --> 0:18:45.679 that you would forgive j or you'd forgive Mel Robbins 0:18:45.720 --> 0:18:48.639 for it. You cannot forgive yourself. It's more dust. And 0:18:48.680 --> 0:18:50.919 so you stand there and you say, because of all 0:18:50.920 --> 0:18:53.560 that stuff that I did, I'm unworthy or I'm unlovable, 0:18:53.680 --> 0:18:56.280 or I'm this or I'm that, and that dust keeps 0:18:56.320 --> 0:18:59.960 you from seeing a human being who deserves support and celebrate. 0:19:01.040 --> 0:19:03.800 Or another form of the dust, which is the resistance, 0:19:03.960 --> 0:19:08.040 is that you actually believe that you do not deserve 0:19:08.640 --> 0:19:12.280 to be celebrated or supported unless you have the bank 0:19:12.280 --> 0:19:14.760 account or the number on the scale, or you drive 0:19:14.760 --> 0:19:16.600 in the car or live in the neighborhood, or your 0:19:16.640 --> 0:19:18.639 hair is less kinky, or you're this or you're that, 0:19:19.040 --> 0:19:22.399 and so you withhold the very support and celebration that 0:19:22.440 --> 0:19:25.760 you need in order to change your life from you 0:19:25.840 --> 0:19:29.600 because you haven't done it yet. That's where the resistance 0:19:29.640 --> 0:19:32.600 comes from. And so I'm here to say you got 0:19:32.600 --> 0:19:34.240 to try this for five days because it's going to 0:19:34.280 --> 0:19:36.439 feel weird. You're going to resist it. And what's going 0:19:36.520 --> 0:19:38.640 to happen is you'll notice as you raise your hand, 0:19:38.640 --> 0:19:40.840 and this is where the science gets amazing. As you 0:19:40.920 --> 0:19:43.920 raise your hand J you will go from thinking this 0:19:44.000 --> 0:19:48.080 is weird or thinking this is stupid to silence, and 0:19:48.119 --> 0:19:51.399 this is explained by science. There is a field of 0:19:51.440 --> 0:19:54.760 study called n Aerobicsnuerobics is a word that I did 0:19:54.760 --> 0:19:58.840 not invent. It is aerobic or physical movement with new 0:19:58.880 --> 0:20:02.359 neural pathway development. And research has shown that when you 0:20:02.480 --> 0:20:05.200 use an aerobics it is the fastest way to form 0:20:05.359 --> 0:20:08.159 new neural pathways. So the way that you do it 0:20:08.240 --> 0:20:12.040 is you take an unexpected physical movement like high fiving yourself, 0:20:12.119 --> 0:20:15.119 something you've never done, and you marry it with a thought. 0:20:15.680 --> 0:20:19.400 Now here's where things get crazy cool. You've been high 0:20:19.400 --> 0:20:22.280 fiving people your whole life. You've been receiving high fives 0:20:22.280 --> 0:20:25.040 your whole life. So Jay, when you high five somebody, 0:20:25.560 --> 0:20:30.119 what are you communicating through the gesture? A feeling of connectedness, 0:20:30.119 --> 0:20:34.080 a feeling of support, a feeling of I'm congratulating you 0:20:34.200 --> 0:20:37.199 or celebrating you, a feeling of you've got this like 0:20:37.280 --> 0:20:40.000 that kind of feeling. Yeah, completely, all of it is 0:20:40.000 --> 0:20:43.000 programmed in your subconscious brain. When you go to raise 0:20:43.000 --> 0:20:45.240 your hand to high five somebody. I can never high 0:20:45.280 --> 0:20:49.240 five J and go You're a jerk. Jay. I don't 0:20:49.280 --> 0:20:52.520 like you, Jay, I hope your Tea, which I'm a 0:20:52.560 --> 0:20:56.480 founding club member of. It really fails. You can't do it, yeah, 0:20:56.520 --> 0:20:59.840 because the programming is already in your brain. Yes, you 0:21:00.119 --> 0:21:02.760 cannot look at yourself in the mirror and think terrible 0:21:02.840 --> 0:21:05.600 things while you're high fiving yourself because your brain won't 0:21:05.600 --> 0:21:09.920 allow it. It is programmed to think something different. And 0:21:09.960 --> 0:21:13.119 as you repeat this every day, just five days, Dear God, 0:21:13.160 --> 0:21:17.960 give me five days of doing this, you will override 0:21:18.040 --> 0:21:25.000 the critic and you will reprogram your mind to associate belief, love, encouragement, support, 0:21:25.359 --> 0:21:29.480 resilience with your own reflection. This is why I don't 0:21:29.480 --> 0:21:32.720 even see myself in terms of a body anymore. I 0:21:32.760 --> 0:21:35.199 see a human being that I love, that I support, 0:21:35.280 --> 0:21:37.480 just like I would a friend or a child that 0:21:37.560 --> 0:21:41.720 I love unconditionally. It's mind blowing. But that's not all. 0:21:42.040 --> 0:21:44.760 So I talked to our peal doctor, Daniel Aman, and 0:21:44.880 --> 0:21:47.639 this isn't even in the book. This is just something 0:21:47.680 --> 0:21:51.240 I learned two weeks ago. He went bananas when I 0:21:51.280 --> 0:21:54.320 talked about this thing. So, Jay, when you high five 0:21:54.400 --> 0:22:00.280 somebody else, your brain drifts dopamine. The reason why when 0:22:00.320 --> 0:22:02.880 you do this, even on a low morning, you get 0:22:02.880 --> 0:22:05.520 a boost in your mood and a little bit of clarity. Wow, 0:22:05.920 --> 0:22:09.240 is you get a dripodopamine by high fiving yourself again? 0:22:09.720 --> 0:22:13.760 Because the programming is already in your brain, you're just 0:22:13.880 --> 0:22:17.320 now turning it from everybody else and giving it to yourself. 0:22:17.960 --> 0:22:21.320 And there's a second thing that's super cool. So doctor 0:22:21.359 --> 0:22:24.000 Aman was explaining. He said, you know, and you know, mel, 0:22:24.040 --> 0:22:26.800 when you leave the bathroom you feel kind of peppy, right, 0:22:26.800 --> 0:22:28.679 And I'm like, yeah, it's kind of weird. He said, Well, 0:22:28.760 --> 0:22:31.040 let me tell you what that is. He said, your 0:22:31.080 --> 0:22:36.119 nervous system is encoded with celebratory energy. When you wave hello, 0:22:36.200 --> 0:22:38.280 you're raising your arms when you cross a finish line. 0:22:38.320 --> 0:22:40.520 You raise your arms when you hug somebody, raise your 0:22:40.560 --> 0:22:42.800 arms when you high five somebody. You raise your arms. 0:22:43.200 --> 0:22:46.440