Speaker 1: You don't even know the number of amazing things you
Speaker 1: do every day. Instead, you focus and ruminate on the
Speaker 1: one thing you didn't get to and then you use
Speaker 1: that as evidence again dust on the mirror to see
Speaker 1: a human being that's not measuring up and never will
Speaker 1: and all that stuff. They're stupid. Fourth grade teacher said,
Speaker 1: you must be true dust on the mirror. No, you
Speaker 1: need to interrupt this here we Hey everyone, welcome back
Speaker 1: to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.
Speaker 1: Thanks to each and every single one of you that
Speaker 1: come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. And
Speaker 1: I am so excited to be talking to you today.
Speaker 1: I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of
Speaker 1: Love is out and I cannot wait to share it
Speaker 1: with you. I am so so excited for you to
Speaker 1: read this book, for you to listen to this book.
Speaker 1: I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already,
Speaker 1: make sure you go to eight Rules of Love dot com.
Speaker 1: It's dedicated to any one who's trying to find, keep,
Speaker 1: or let go of love. So if you've got friends
Speaker 1: that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make
Speaker 1: sure you grab this book. And I'd love to invite
Speaker 1: you to come and see me for my global tour
Speaker 1: Love Rules. Go to Jay shedytour dot com to learn
Speaker 1: more information about tickets, VIP experiences and more. I can't
Speaker 1: wait to see you this year. Now. Today's guest is
Speaker 1: a longtime friend, someone that I deeply admire. I can't
Speaker 1: wait to have this conversation with her. Her books, her
Speaker 1: audiobooks have been revolutionary, They've been absolutely phenomenal. And finally,
Speaker 1: this is I can't believe this is the first time
Speaker 1: we actually have a On Purpose. I'm speaking about the
Speaker 1: one and only Mel Robins. For those of you that
Speaker 1: don't know, she's one of the leading voices in personal
Speaker 1: development and transformation and an international best selling author. Her
Speaker 1: work includes The Global Phenomenon, The Five Second Rule, and
Speaker 1: the upcoming book that we're talking about today, The High
Speaker 1: Five Habit, and you can join the High Five Habit
Speaker 1: Challenge through the link in our description. Plus, she has
Speaker 1: four number one best selling audiobooks, the number one podcast
Speaker 1: on Audible, as well as signature online courses that have
Speaker 1: changed the lives of more than half a million students worldwide.
Speaker 1: Please welcome to On Purpose, Mel Robin's mouth. I love you,
Speaker 1: I gotta like Oh, yes, there we go, let's do both.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I do that. I think I
Speaker 1: just called the muscle on my Rarebut okay, I can't
Speaker 1: believe this is your first time here. Well, first of all,
Speaker 1: thank you because you've invited me, and um, I just
Speaker 1: knew I wanted to wait until I had something truly
Speaker 1: extraordinary to talk to you about that I do. That
Speaker 1: just shows how modest you are, because you always have
Speaker 1: something extraordinary to talk about that. I too, am happy
Speaker 1: today we're talking about this incredible new book, The High
Speaker 1: Five Habit, Take control of your life with one simple habit,
Speaker 1: the book that I want everyone who's listening right now
Speaker 1: to go out and order. I know we haven't even
Speaker 1: started the conversation yet, but I'm so confident in what
Speaker 1: I've read from the book, my conversation with Mel, not
Speaker 1: just online but offline. And Mel, I know you have
Speaker 1: an interesting story about how this relates to me somehow,
Speaker 1: which you mentioned to me. I do, and I've been
Speaker 1: holding back since you walked in the room. I was like,
Speaker 1: save it for the podcast, save it for the podcast.
Speaker 1: Can you reveal my connection with the High five Habit?
Speaker 1: I sure can. Okay, So when I was coming on
Speaker 1: it dawned on me what an incredibly deep and profound
Speaker 1: connection that you and I share around what we're about
Speaker 1: to talk about now, Like everybody on the planet, I
Speaker 1: devoured your book. I literally dog eared it. I highlighted it.
Speaker 1: And on page seven there is a story that you
Speaker 1: tell that is a beautiful metaphor that illustrates the external
Speaker 1: influences that obscure our true selves. You know what story
Speaker 1: I'm talking about? I do I believe it's that? Is
Speaker 1: it dust or is it me? Yes? Is that about
Speaker 1: the mirror? And yes, yes, And so the story is
Speaker 1: all about this metaphor of up in this attic of
Speaker 1: the Ashram, there's a mirror with a thick layer of dust.
Speaker 1: And when you look at a mirror that's accumulated a
Speaker 1: thick layer of dust, you can't truly see yourself, your soul,
Speaker 1: your spirit, and the dust comes from your life, it's
Speaker 1: not you. I'm going to get like super emotional already
Speaker 1: because the high five habit is how you wipe the
Speaker 1: dust away. I know. And when I was reading that,
Speaker 1: For anyone who's not watching right now, mel is on
Speaker 1: the verge of tears. But if you're listening when I
Speaker 1: opened up the high five habit, and you tell that
Speaker 1: story for you. Yeah, of you're looking in the mirror
Speaker 1: as we all do in the morning when we wake
Speaker 1: up to brush our teeth, and you're criticizing yourself. You're
Speaker 1: poking holes in your appearance, in how you wish you
Speaker 1: worked out more, how you've got such a long to
Speaker 1: do list today, how you have no energy, how you'd
Speaker 1: rather curl up and watch TV and do nothing for
Speaker 1: the rest of the day. And that is an experience
Speaker 1: that we all have had more than we even think
Speaker 1: like we've had that daily. A lot of us have
Speaker 1: had that for months and even years. And so it's
Speaker 1: amazing how that story also starts looking in the mirror. Yes,
Speaker 1: tell us about what has changed about how you look
Speaker 1: in the mirror today with the high five habit. So
Speaker 1: I have been practicing this habit for a little over
Speaker 1: a year, and it all began in April of twenty twenty.
Speaker 1: And this is not something that I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I got to write a book. It's got to have
Speaker 1: a five in it. It's going to be five years
Speaker 1: since I've written a book. Thank you, dyslexia and ADHD.
Speaker 1: What am I going to write about what am I?
Speaker 1: That's not how this happened. The high five saved me.
Speaker 1: It was a ladder that helped me climb out of
Speaker 1: a hole I had fallen into emotionally, physically, spiritually. And
Speaker 1: a year later, after practicing what is going to sound
Speaker 1: like a weird, stupid thing which you will resist and Jay,
Speaker 1: you and I are going to unpack this because it's sad.
Speaker 1: Why everybody resists it. It has to do with the
Speaker 1: dust that's accumulated. And I will tell you, after a
Speaker 1: year of practicing this, I don't even see a face
Speaker 1: or a body. I see a soul. I don't even
Speaker 1: have to high five myself. I still do because it
Speaker 1: feels good. And we're going to explain the science that
Speaker 1: is bananas about why this actually works for everybody who
Speaker 1: tries it. Because this is not something that's new. You
Speaker 1: are tapping into programming that's already in your mind and
Speaker 1: body and now directing it back at yourself. It's incredible.
Speaker 1: I don't ever criticize myself. I don't ever see what's wrong.
Speaker 1: I see a human being who's trying, who deserves love
Speaker 1: and respect, and I know that it's my job to
Speaker 1: give it to her. You know, the five second rule,
Speaker 1: which I created, I don't know over a decade ago,
Speaker 1: that's gone on to help me change my whole life.
Speaker 1: It's a little starting ritual and a brain hack that
Speaker 1: you can use to help yourself take the actions and
Speaker 1: change the thoughts that change your life. It helped me
Speaker 1: be more productive, It helped me get stuff done. The
Speaker 1: high five habit has changed who I am. It has
Speaker 1: deleted a lifetime of criticism and negativity from my mind,
Speaker 1: and it has reprogrammed the soundtrack to be somebody that's
Speaker 1: supportive and a cheerleader. It's extraordinary. That's so beautiful to
Speaker 1: hear because I think so often we like to oscillate
Speaker 1: from one extreme to another. So people start by criticizing
Speaker 1: themselves and then sometimes we've heard in the toxic positivity
Speaker 1: movement of we'll just tell yourself you're amazing and tell
Speaker 1: yourself you're incredible, And to me, that doesn't always work either,
Speaker 1: because it doesn't struggle to say it with feeling and
Speaker 1: meaning and belief. But what I love about what you're
Speaker 1: sharing with the high five habit is that it's actually
Speaker 1: looking at no You're trying let me be supportive, Let
Speaker 1: me be encouraging. Let me use my words to notice
Speaker 1: that which I want to grow and work on. But
Speaker 1: I'm not creating an artificial illusion of either criticism or perfection,
Speaker 1: both of which are unreal. Well, and here's the extraordinary thing.
Speaker 1: You don't have to say a word. You don't have
Speaker 1: to say a word. Like. One of the reasons why
Speaker 1: mantras don't work for so many people is you choose
Speaker 1: something you don't believe, and so as you stand before
Speaker 1: a mirror or you say it to yourself after a
Speaker 1: lifetime of beating yourself up, your brain's like, Yep, no,
Speaker 1: we don't believe that. Because you've told me the other
Speaker 1: opposite story for so long, I'm not going to buy
Speaker 1: it now. You know, I gotta tell you, like how
Speaker 1: this all went down, because it's in the kind of
Speaker 1: unfolding of the story that there's layer after layer after layer.
Speaker 1: So you know, the backdrop of this is that it
Speaker 1: was you know, I think we all have that moment
Speaker 1: when we knew that COVID was going to change your
Speaker 1: life forever. When was that moment for you? I was
Speaker 1: one of the optimistic ones when it first happened. I
Speaker 1: was like, ah, the world's going to deal with this
Speaker 1: in like a month or maybe three months, And so
Speaker 1: I think it was about three months in where I
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, I have no idea how this is going,
Speaker 1: and this is not what I expected. So I'd say
Speaker 1: about three months in, I'd say probably about that June time,
Speaker 1: June twenty twenty got it. Yeah, Well, for me, it
Speaker 1: happened on a Wednesday in March of twenty twenty, yeah, early,
Speaker 1: because I was taping my daytime talk show at CBS
Speaker 1: Broadcast Center and they walked in and said they had
Speaker 1: found it in the building, and within five minutes we
Speaker 1: had to evacuate. Show canceled. I'm fired from my dream job.
Speaker 1: I'm driving home to Boston, Massachusetts, which is where my
Speaker 1: husband and I have raised our kids. I see New
Speaker 1: York City disappearing in the skyline phone rings. It's our
Speaker 1: daughter who's studying abroad for college, and they're shutting down
Speaker 1: the borders. Then the other daughter, they're closing down the
Speaker 1: university here in California. We all get home and speech
Speaker 1: after speech after speech gets canceled. And then a publisher
Speaker 1: i'd been working with on a totally different book concept
Speaker 1: cancels that contract, and now I've got to give money
Speaker 1: back that I've already spent. There's no PPP loans yet
Speaker 1: I have no idea how I'm going to make payroll.
Speaker 1: My kids are in a complete state of crisis and
Speaker 1: break down because their lives are now just imploding before
Speaker 1: their eyes. I'm worried about the world. I'm worried about
Speaker 1: frontline workers, and I feel the weight of the world
Speaker 1: on my shoulders. And I wake up one morning in
Speaker 1: April and it's a very familiar feeling. This is not
Speaker 1: a book about the pandemic. This is a book about
Speaker 1: how you pick yourself up when you feel like you
Speaker 1: just don't know how to face your life. So I
Speaker 1: woke up that morning and I felt defeated. I felt overwhelmed.
Speaker 1: I felt exhausted. I used the five second rule five
Speaker 1: four three two one to get out of bed. I
Speaker 1: make the bed so I don't crawl back into it,
Speaker 1: and I go to the bathroom and I'm standing there
Speaker 1: in the bathroom and I'm brushing my teeth. And as
Speaker 1: I'm brushing my teeth, I catch a glimpse of myself
Speaker 1: in the mirror, and I think, oh my god, you
Speaker 1: look like hell. And then my mind started to criticize
Speaker 1: the woman in the mirror, the dark circles under her eyes,
Speaker 1: the saggy neck, one breast is hanging lower than the other.
Speaker 1: Just the beatdown begins. And then, of course, once you
Speaker 1: go there you teach this, your mind is just going
Speaker 1: to keep on taking you down. And so it became
Speaker 1: why did you get up so late and you got
Speaker 1: a zoom call in eight minutes and you haven't even
Speaker 1: walked the dog? And you know what's interesting about this moment, Jay,
Speaker 1: if you had walked in the bathroom in that moment,
Speaker 1: I would have been able to turn on a dime.
Speaker 1: I would have said, Jay, I know it's a lot.
Speaker 1: You don't deserve this, but if anybody can handle this,
Speaker 1: you can. I know you can't. I would have lifted
Speaker 1: you up like just it would have been if for effortless.
Speaker 1: But standing there alone in my underwear in my own bathroom,
Speaker 1: I couldn't think of anything to say. And in fact,
Speaker 1: here's the thing. I don't think I would have believed
Speaker 1: it because of what you just said. It didn't match
Speaker 1: how I was feeling. Now. I don't know what came
Speaker 1: over me because it sounds ridiculous. I've never done this before,
Speaker 1: but I suddenly found myself raising my hand and high
Speaker 1: fiving that woman I saw in the mirror because she
Speaker 1: needed it. And here's the thing. It's not like lightning struck, right,
Speaker 1: you know, it's not like the heavens parted, nangels are
Speaker 1: like life. That's not what happened. The dogs still needed
Speaker 1: to be walked. I still had endless things. I was
Speaker 1: still worried, but something in me shifted. It was weird,
Speaker 1: and it was kind of this thing because I thought
Speaker 1: a lot about this moment. It's like my shoulders dropped
Speaker 1: and my chin lifted, and I didn't even like say
Speaker 1: anything positive. It's like there was this energy flip, and
Speaker 1: the energy felt a little bit more, not very ja shetty,
Speaker 1: more kind of mel robbins. Oh, come on, get out there,
Speaker 1: stop complaining, get yourself, come on, you can do this.
Speaker 1: Like it was sort of that sort of all right,
Speaker 1: here we go. But it was the second morning. The
Speaker 1: second morning is when everything changed. I wake up, same problems,
Speaker 1: same overwhelm, exhausted, defeated, tired, five four three two one.
Speaker 1: I get out of bed, I make the bed. I
Speaker 1: start walking to the bathroom, and JA, I noticed that
Speaker 1: I was feeling something I had never felt in my
Speaker 1: entire life, and it was this. You know, when you're
Speaker 1: about to meet a friend, somebody really like at a
Speaker 1: Cafe'm going to go have a cup of tea. What
Speaker 1: do you feel right before you walk in the door. Excitement, enthusiasm, energy, joy,
Speaker 1: positive nervousness like that that kind of like butterflies, even
Speaker 1: in the in a positive sense. Yeah. So at this moment,
Speaker 1: I was fifty one years old. In fifty one years
Speaker 1: of being alive, I don't ever remember feeling that feeling
Speaker 1: about seeing myself. Wow, for the first time in my life,
Speaker 1: I had this sensation that I was excited to see
Speaker 1: the human being. Mel Robbins. Now I've been excited to
Speaker 1: see an outfit or excited to see a haircut, I
Speaker 1: have never been excited to see the person. And so
Speaker 1: I round the corner and this sense of how profound
Speaker 1: this is is hitting me and I'm standing there brushing
Speaker 1: my teeth and I realize something really wild. There are
Speaker 1: always two of you in the bathroom together. There's you,
Speaker 1: and there is a human being in the mirror, a
Speaker 1: person who needs you, a person who has been waiting
Speaker 1: for you to wake up and realize they are there
Speaker 1: and they need you to see them and to hear them,
Speaker 1: and to love them and to support them. And so
Speaker 1: what's interesting, because you brought up morning routines, right, is
Speaker 1: that we all talk about the importance of setting our
Speaker 1: day up because it's how it ends up. We talk
Speaker 1: about gratitude and meditation, and we know the extraordinary benefits
Speaker 1: of it. But I don't think anybody has truly amplified
Speaker 1: the fact that there is this dirty habit that we
Speaker 1: all have every single morning that is a part of
Speaker 1: your morning routine unless you have weeded this out, and
Speaker 1: it is a habit of either ignoring yourself or beating
Speaker 1: the heck out of yourself every single morning. In the mirror.
Speaker 1: I mean, nine percent of women don't like how they look.
Speaker 1: Fifty percent of us can't even look at ourselves in
Speaker 1: the mirror. That's what I was about to say, that
Speaker 1: eye contact. I think there's such a struggle what you
Speaker 1: just rightly said. It's not just that we beat ourselves up,
Speaker 1: will criticize we can't even look at ourselves. How does
Speaker 1: how does the high five habit help us get that? Oh,
Speaker 1: it's incredible. Yeah, it's absolutely. Let's let's talk about the
Speaker 1: habits and then we can break it down. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's because I know part of it is practicing in
Speaker 1: the bathroom. Yes, yes, let's break it down. Okay. So
Speaker 1: here's where you're gonna feel when you do it. It's
Speaker 1: very simple. You're gonna look at yourself in the mirror
Speaker 1: and you're going to leverage some research out of Harvard
Speaker 1: Move talk about that too, Yeah, dive into that. So
Speaker 1: you're basically just going to look at yourself in the
Speaker 1: mirror and you're gonna ask yourself, what is that human
Speaker 1: being need for me today? How can I show up
Speaker 1: for him or her day? How do I do that today? Kindness?
Speaker 1: Do I need to be more courageous or bold? You
Speaker 1: kind of set this intention for yourself and then you're
Speaker 1: simply going to raise your hand and you're gonna high
Speaker 1: five yourself. Now, a couple of things I want you
Speaker 1: to expect. Number One, it will feel weird. Period. It
Speaker 1: feels weird for everybody because it is the opposite of
Speaker 1: what you're doing right now, and so your brain is
Speaker 1: going to reject it as odd. Number Two, you're either
Speaker 1: going to have one of two reactions. That's it. There's
Speaker 1: no middle ground. You will either have a very profound
Speaker 1: positive experience where you're going to laugh, probably because it
Speaker 1: kind of feels good and it's kind of silly, or
Speaker 1: you're going to burst into tears in a positive way
Speaker 1: because it's a release that you have finally woken up
Speaker 1: and started supporting yourself. You just got it, and that's
Speaker 1: where the tears come from. But more likely, although maybe
Speaker 1: not for you because you're a fan of this podcast,
Speaker 1: but more likely you will feel resistance. And the resistance
Speaker 1: is the dust on the mirror. Every single morning, Jay,
Speaker 1: we bring with us our entire past. Whatever has been
Speaker 1: done to you, whether it's trauma or discrimination, or abuse
Speaker 1: or neglect or abandonment, it is standing between you and
Speaker 1: the mirror. It's the dust. And you see that dust
Speaker 1: and you say that means that I am not worthy,
Speaker 1: I am not lovable. So you see a human being
Speaker 1: that's distorted, and you say to yourself, because of what's happened,
Speaker 1: I don't deserve a high five. Or if you're a
Speaker 1: human being, you've done a ton of stuff that you regret,
Speaker 1: and so all the things that wish you could change,
Speaker 1: that you would forgive j or you'd forgive Mel Robbins
Speaker 1: for it. You cannot forgive yourself. It's more dust. And
Speaker 1: so you stand there and you say, because of all
Speaker 1: that stuff that I did, I'm unworthy or I'm unlovable,
Speaker 1: or I'm this or I'm that, and that dust keeps
Speaker 1: you from seeing a human being who deserves support and celebrate.
Speaker 1: Or another form of the dust, which is the resistance,
Speaker 1: is that you actually believe that you do not deserve
Speaker 1: to be celebrated or supported unless you have the bank
Speaker 1: account or the number on the scale, or you drive
Speaker 1: in the car or live in the neighborhood, or your
Speaker 1: hair is less kinky, or you're this or you're that,
Speaker 1: and so you withhold the very support and celebration that
Speaker 1: you need in order to change your life from you
Speaker 1: because you haven't done it yet. That's where the resistance
Speaker 1: comes from. And so I'm here to say you got
Speaker 1: to try this for five days because it's going to
Speaker 1: feel weird. You're going to resist it. And what's going
Speaker 1: to happen is you'll notice as you raise your hand,
Speaker 1: and this is where the science gets amazing. As you
Speaker 1: raise your hand J you will go from thinking this
Speaker 1: is weird or thinking this is stupid to silence, and
Speaker 1: this is explained by science. There is a field of
Speaker 1: study called n Aerobicsnuerobics is a word that I did
Speaker 1: not invent. It is aerobic or physical movement with new
Speaker 1: neural pathway development. And research has shown that when you
Speaker 1: use an aerobics it is the fastest way to form
Speaker 1: new neural pathways. So the way that you do it
Speaker 1: is you take an unexpected physical movement like high fiving yourself,
Speaker 1: something you've never done, and you marry it with a thought.
Speaker 1: Now here's where things get crazy cool. You've been high
Speaker 1: fiving people your whole life. You've been receiving high fives
Speaker 1: your whole life. So Jay, when you high five somebody,
Speaker 1: what are you communicating through the gesture? A feeling of connectedness,
Speaker 1: a feeling of support, a feeling of I'm congratulating you
Speaker 1: or celebrating you, a feeling of you've got this like
Speaker 1: that kind of feeling. Yeah, completely, all of it is
Speaker 1: programmed in your subconscious brain. When you go to raise
Speaker 1: your hand to high five somebody. I can never high
Speaker 1: five J and go You're a jerk. Jay. I don't
Speaker 1: like you, Jay, I hope your Tea, which I'm a
Speaker 1: founding club member of. It really fails. You can't do it, yeah,
Speaker 1: because the programming is already in your brain. Yes, you
Speaker 1: cannot look at yourself in the mirror and think terrible
Speaker 1: things while you're high fiving yourself because your brain won't
Speaker 1: allow it. It is programmed to think something different. And
Speaker 1: as you repeat this every day, just five days, Dear God,
Speaker 1: give me five days of doing this, you will override
Speaker 1: the critic and you will reprogram your mind to associate belief, love, encouragement, support,
Speaker 1: resilience with your own reflection. This is why I don't
Speaker 1: even see myself in terms of a body anymore. I
Speaker 1: see a human being that I love, that I support,
Speaker 1: just like I would a friend or a child that
Speaker 1: I love unconditionally. It's mind blowing. But that's not all.
Speaker 1: So I talked to our peal doctor, Daniel Aman, and
Speaker 1: this isn't even in the book. This is just something
Speaker 1: I learned two weeks ago. He went bananas when I
Speaker 1: talked about this thing. So, Jay, when you high five
Speaker 1: somebody else, your brain drifts dopamine. The reason why when
Speaker 1: you do this, even on a low morning, you get
Speaker 1: a boost in your mood and a little bit of clarity. Wow,
Speaker 1: is you get a dripodopamine by high fiving yourself again?
Speaker 1: Because the programming is already in your brain, you're just
Speaker 1: now turning it from everybody else and giving it to yourself.
Speaker 1: And there's a second thing that's super cool. So doctor
Speaker 1: Aman was explaining. He said, you know, and you know, mel,
Speaker 1: when you leave the bathroom you feel kind of peppy, right,
Speaker 1: And I'm like, yeah, it's kind of weird. He said, Well,
Speaker 1: let me tell you what that is. He said, your
Speaker 1: nervous system is encoded with celebratory energy. When you wave hello,
Speaker 1: you're raising your arms when you cross a finish line.
Speaker 1: You raise your arms when you hug somebody, raise your
Speaker 1: arms when you high five somebody. You raise your arms.
Speaker 1: When you do this every morning, especially when you're going
Speaker 1: through a challenging moment, your nervous system recognizes the celebratory
Speaker 1: gesture and gives you a jolt of energy. Is that
Speaker 1: not incredible? It's incredible and it makes so much sense. Yes,
Speaker 1: and I love you know. You have this incredible ability
Speaker 1: to make personal development feel like a light switch. You
Speaker 1: would never think it's that simple, but we all every
Speaker 1: day flip on a light switch, we expect the light
Speaker 1: to come on, we flip it off and it goes off.
Speaker 1: And with the high five habit and the five second rule,
Speaker 1: I feel they're both light switches. They're this really tiny action,
Speaker 1: really tiny action, but there's really big result that just
Speaker 1: instantly happens. Right, what you're just saying now, what you
Speaker 1: just said about everything doctor Layman told you, those are
Speaker 1: massive responses to a really simple action. I mean just
Speaker 1: raising your hand to just high fiving. And so I
Speaker 1: feel like you do that beautifully. You really have this
Speaker 1: art in simplifying things into seconds worth of advice. And
Speaker 1: what I love about that is that's why our brain
Speaker 1: has less excuses. Because if it's like, if you're like Jay,
Speaker 1: I really need you to take out like twenty minutes
Speaker 1: of your day do this new thing, everyone goes, what
Speaker 1: am I going to find twenty minutes? You literally took
Speaker 1: about again five seconds, Yes. How long does it take
Speaker 1: to high five yourself? Even less? Probably? Yeah? And you
Speaker 1: don't have to say anything, you don't have to feel anything,
Speaker 1: You just have to do it. And what's already programmed
Speaker 1: in your body, it does You're right, It's such a
Speaker 1: beautiful light switch. It flips it on for you, and
Speaker 1: I want you to do it right after you brush
Speaker 1: your teeth, because you got to get that crap out
Speaker 1: of your mouth so you don't spread the dragon breath
Speaker 1: on everybody. Let's get the crap and the dust off
Speaker 1: the mirror. Yeah, so you're not spreading that negativity throughout
Speaker 1: your day, and you're walking into your day feeling like
Speaker 1: you have your own back and feeling that life force
Speaker 1: that you were born with and being reminded that, yeah,
Speaker 1: life may be hard. Yeah I may have screwed things up,
Speaker 1: but I know I'm still here trying, and I deserve
Speaker 1: to feel supported, and so I'm going to tap into
Speaker 1: this to send myself out into the game. Yes, you
Speaker 1: know one of the really cool studies. I'm sure you
Speaker 1: love the study about the NBA team So I know
Speaker 1: you've talked about this yourself. This is both common sense
Speaker 1: and science. How does your favorite sports team begin the
Speaker 1: game by high fiving each other to send yourself out
Speaker 1: into the game. But when researchers actually studied NBA teams,
Speaker 1: they could predict who's going to be the most successful
Speaker 1: teams at the end of the season and who's going
Speaker 1: to be at the bottom of the league based on
Speaker 1: one characteristic at the beginning of the season in the preseason,
Speaker 1: and that is how many times does the team in
Speaker 1: the preseason do fist pumps, high fives, or pats on
Speaker 1: the back. And what they found is it's the teams
Speaker 1: that do that the most in the beginning have the
Speaker 1: winningest record. And the reason the question is why, Well,
Speaker 1: the reason why is these gestures or more than gestures,
Speaker 1: they are symbols of trust and partnership. They build momentum.
Speaker 1: And so many of us are struggling in life with
Speaker 1: people pleasing and guilt and all of these emotions because
Speaker 1: we have broken that partnership with ourselves. And this is
Speaker 1: a way every morning, after brushing your teeth, were going
Speaker 1: to stack this habit. Put the toothbrush down, pick up
Speaker 1: your hand, look yourself in the mirror, and say, how
Speaker 1: am I going to show up for that human being
Speaker 1: today and seal it with a high five. That's it.
Speaker 1: That's it, that's it. And what I love about this
Speaker 1: book for those of you are listening, you'll have to
Speaker 1: get the book to see this is you have these
Speaker 1: beautiful pictures from your community and beyond of people actually
Speaker 1: practicing it, and do you prefer that one or that one?
Speaker 1: That one? Yeah, let me know. If it's good, you
Speaker 1: can zoom in. So I just want to show a
Speaker 1: few pages home, tell me, yeah, you've got it amazing.
Speaker 1: I want to show you a few pages just because
Speaker 1: I think it's beautiful to see so many people practicing this.
Speaker 1: There's a few more that I want to show side Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think, oh yeah, the ones at the back, but
Speaker 1: there's also these. The one of you is really special
Speaker 1: to me. That one. I have to show that one.
Speaker 1: I really liked that one because to me, that was
Speaker 1: too Yeah, that one, to me, was was brilliant. This
Speaker 1: is when Mel discovered. Had I known it was going
Speaker 1: to be in a photo weiner in my bed head? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's the best. But it's beautiful because I love how
Speaker 1: practical it is. I love how everyone can give it
Speaker 1: a go. I really believe everyone who's listening right now
Speaker 1: we can all take five days to give this a go,
Speaker 1: even if you think it's silly, which I don't think
Speaker 1: you will, because you love this podcast and you love
Speaker 1: Mel and you love everything that we're talking about. But
Speaker 1: it's like, this is the least investment we could make
Speaker 1: in ourselves like it requires zero investment, it require it's free.
Speaker 1: It's free, it requires zero time commitment. You're already standing
Speaker 1: in front of the mirror brushing your teeth. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: just an extra five seconds. On top of that, it's
Speaker 1: absolutely nothing more. Tell me about what this does for
Speaker 1: the rest of the day. What is the knock on
Speaker 1: effect of doing something like this in the morning, Because
Speaker 1: what my head's going to right now is, in this moment,
Speaker 1: you are choosing to high five instead of beat yourself.
Speaker 1: That's to me what you're teaching people to do. Yes,
Speaker 1: you're training people to choose, make a choice that is
Speaker 1: going to transfer into every choice they have to make
Speaker 1: throughout the day. So now when the bus says to them, Hey,
Speaker 1: you haven't done this, you haven't done that, you haven't
Speaker 1: done this, how's it going to invite to talk to
Speaker 1: me about that? And what you This is absolutely awesome,
Speaker 1: so kind of from a just sort of the way
Speaker 1: that people talk about it. This is both what I've
Speaker 1: experienced and what our audience is constantly writing to us about.
Speaker 1: And by the way, this is without even having a
Speaker 1: book out yet. I know this is simply from having
Speaker 1: people and convincing people around the world to try it.
Speaker 1: Everybody says it's weird, but I got to hand it
Speaker 1: to you, mel This pivots my day and sends it
Speaker 1: in an entirely different trajectory. You know, you talk about
Speaker 1: it all the time. Your mood in the morning impacts
Speaker 1: your confidence and your productivity all day. We know that
Speaker 1: research from Harvard tells us that when you get intentional
Speaker 1: about how you're going to show up and not only
Speaker 1: boost your productivity and your confidence and your focus, it
Speaker 1: also changes your ability to make an impact with people.
Speaker 1: We also know all the research around what's called emotional
Speaker 1: contagion when they did I didn't even write about this
Speaker 1: in the book. But when you separate leaders into two groups,
Speaker 1: and you show one group a leader very stressful videos
Speaker 1: for twenty minutes that make you feel agitated or bombed out,
Speaker 1: and you throw another group all these videos with puppies
Speaker 1: and kittens and Jay Chetty content, that's amazing the leaders
Speaker 1: that go in to their teams within ten minutes, the
Speaker 1: teams feel exactly either the negative agitation or the positive agitation.
Speaker 1: But it goes even deeper. So the High five habit
Speaker 1: in the mirror j it's just the trojan horse. There
Speaker 1: are dozens of tools in this and we go deep
Speaker 1: into something you talk about all the time, the reticular
Speaker 1: activity system, which is the filter in your brain that
Speaker 1: in real time. I think about it. This is not
Speaker 1: an elegant way to describe it. I think about it
Speaker 1: like an electronic hairnet that sits on your brain, and
Speaker 1: in real time, this sucker is changing. We've all experienced
Speaker 1: its effect when we've shopped for a house or a car.
Speaker 1: The second you start shopping for your first car, what
Speaker 1: happens You start seeing those cars that you're looking for
Speaker 1: everywhere everywhere. That is what that's your ras. You have
Speaker 1: a bouncer in your brain that has a massive job,
Speaker 1: and the job of your bouncer in your brain is
Speaker 1: to decide what gets into the prefrontal cortex, what passes through.
Speaker 1: There's only four things, Jay, that actually get through automatically.
Speaker 1: Your name. We've all experienced it. Oh did they say
Speaker 1: Jay number two having to me this morning? Really, I
Speaker 1: had a random person, I think, shout my name us.
Speaker 1: I was looking around. Well, that's the bouncer in your
Speaker 1: brain and let it in. And there are bazilion other sounds.
Speaker 1: By the way that you didn't hear because the bouncer
Speaker 1: in your brain blocked them out. The second thing is
Speaker 1: any immediate threat. So like if you hear a loud noise,
Speaker 1: you'll kind of like duck. But there are a loud
Speaker 1: noises all day that don't make you do that because
Speaker 1: the bouncer in your brain is blocking it out. The
Speaker 1: third one, and this can be tricky for relationships. I
Speaker 1: know you're writing a book about this, So this is
Speaker 1: any sign that you think your partner might be interested
Speaker 1: in sex with you or somebody else. You know, This
Speaker 1: is that jealousy they hate. And then the fourth one,
Speaker 1: and this is where the treasure is. This is everything
Speaker 1: your brain filters the world based on what you tell
Speaker 1: it is important to you. So when you're shopping for
Speaker 1: a new car, you suddenly say to your ras, this
Speaker 1: is important to me, and it lets an imagery of
Speaker 1: the car. This works in positive and negative ways. Trauma
Speaker 1: is an example of how your filter gets trained by
Speaker 1: a very negative event. It becomes very important because your
Speaker 1: nervous system responded to it, so your brain records as
Speaker 1: much as it can to try to protect you. A
Speaker 1: positive way is by saying something that you talk about
Speaker 1: the writing out of your goals. They having visual and
Speaker 1: environmental triggers that keep these things front of These are
Speaker 1: ways to train your brain for a positive effect. So
Speaker 1: one of the things that happens when you start to
Speaker 1: high five yourself, and why it goes so much deeper
Speaker 1: even than the boost and the partnership, is that what
Speaker 1: happens is you're now tapping into an entire field of
Speaker 1: research called behavioral activation therapy. You talk about it a lot,
Speaker 1: you know all the science. If you don't know it,
Speaker 1: there's a very simple way to talk about it. It's
Speaker 1: called act like the person you want to become. And
Speaker 1: the reason why this is so important is we know
Speaker 1: thinking alone won't get you to change. You actually have
Speaker 1: to take the actions that change everything. And one of
Speaker 1: the reasons why high fiving yourself is such a powerful
Speaker 1: action is the bouncer in your brain, the ris it's
Speaker 1: paying attention. When it suddenly sees you stop the beatdown
Speaker 1: and it sees you act differently. It sees you acting
Speaker 1: like somebody who actually cares about you, who celebrates you,
Speaker 1: and who sees the high five, it will switch in
Speaker 1: real time and start to see the world in a
Speaker 1: way that reflects back the fact that you deserve love
Speaker 1: and support. So the more that you act like somebody
Speaker 1: who loves and supports and believes in themselves by high
Speaker 1: fiving themselves, the more your brain changes and the more
Speaker 1: your reality changes. Now to your point with toxic positivity,
Speaker 1: does it change the very real issues people face? Of
Speaker 1: course not. It does not change the fact that there's
Speaker 1: discrimination and poverty and trauma and very real obstacles that
Speaker 1: you may be facing right now. What it changes is
Speaker 1: you and your ability to face those things, and your
Speaker 1: resilience and your belief that through your attitude and your actions,
Speaker 1: you can make a positive difference in those things. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1: What I love about what you just said is that
Speaker 1: we're all going to face pain and discomfort regardless. The
Speaker 1: only choice we have is are you going to face
Speaker 1: pain and discomfort with the feeling of supporting yourself or
Speaker 1: are you going to face pain and discomfort with the
Speaker 1: feeling of condemning yourself? Right, that's the only choice you have.
Speaker 1: We're all going to face it. We're all going to
Speaker 1: have to deal with stuff that we don't want to
Speaker 1: deal with, and the only choice we get to make
Speaker 1: is what attitude do I want to affect this from
Speaker 1: what thoughts do I want to have as I go
Speaker 1: through this? And I think all of us would agree
Speaker 1: that we'd rather be going through with thoughts that's say,
Speaker 1: you've got this, you can do this, we can get there,
Speaker 1: will figure it out, we'll find an answer, will make
Speaker 1: it through, rather than the voice in your head that's
Speaker 1: saying I don't think you should do this. No, this's
Speaker 1: not going to work. No, stop, No, you're terrible. Oh
Speaker 1: this is the worst thing you could which is what
Speaker 1: we're all airing. Let's talk about what are the key
Speaker 1: aspects You talk about this so much in the book,
Speaker 1: and I do believe this is at the heart of
Speaker 1: the High five habit and also just the heart of
Speaker 1: what you're sharing in this book. What are the key
Speaker 1: principles of how someone deals with themselves when they love themselves,
Speaker 1: when they care for themselves. What are those key tenets,
Speaker 1: those those key values that we can draw ourselves to
Speaker 1: a measure against it, saying am I doing that for myself?
Speaker 1: Does that make sense? Say? Yeah, am I creating that
Speaker 1: for myself? Because I feel like we know, like we
Speaker 1: always say, and some of this is similar, but we
Speaker 1: always say, oh if your child and you know you
Speaker 1: have children going off to make friends at school. We
Speaker 1: always say be kind asked you know, you share advice,
Speaker 1: but we've never been told how to have a relationship
Speaker 1: with ourselves. What are the key principles to having a
Speaker 1: positive relationship video? So it's a fabulous question. So I
Speaker 1: think at the heart of it are two foundational habits
Speaker 1: that you need and one you already mentioned. It's being
Speaker 1: kind to yourself. It's really that simple. And I know
Speaker 1: you know the study that they did in the UK
Speaker 1: where they looked at every possible behavior change that you
Speaker 1: could do in life, and whether it was changing and diet, meditation, exercise,
Speaker 1: relationship changes, all of it. The one change that has
Speaker 1: the biggest impact on fulfillment and happiness is being kind
Speaker 1: to yourself. And it's the one change we practice the
Speaker 1: least because I don't think we know how Yeah I don't.
Speaker 1: How do yeah? How do we be kind us? Well?
Speaker 1: Number one, stop the beat down in the mirror and
Speaker 1: despite the fact that it might feel weird or you're
Speaker 1: going to resist it, or you got a lot of dust,
Speaker 1: oh boy, we gotta wipe it away. Oh it's for
Speaker 1: like mud like us. Jay has to us. The rest
Speaker 1: of us are caked with mud. It gets a probable
Speaker 1: grief in there. The high five habit every day is
Speaker 1: wiping that away. Okay, that's number one. Number two, when
Speaker 1: you catch yourself in the what if loop or the
Speaker 1: beat down, use the five second roll count backwards five
Speaker 1: four three two one, interrupt it and start just interrupting
Speaker 1: it because you don't have to listen to it. You
Speaker 1: can't always control when it pops up, but you can
Speaker 1: start to create distance from it. Meditation obviously helps with that,
Speaker 1: But in terms of the hand to fist combat with
Speaker 1: your own brain, I prefer punchback five four three two one,
Speaker 1: and then I literally go, I'm not thinking about that.
Speaker 1: Another strategy that you can use as you're doing the
Speaker 1: hand to hand combat with your own brain is come
Speaker 1: up with like an avatar for this negative voice, okay,
Speaker 1: and make it really good. Like when our son was
Speaker 1: really profoundly struggling with anxiety. He's sixteen now, he started
Speaker 1: to call that worry wart in his head that was
Speaker 1: beating him up, Oliver, and he looked like this big,
Speaker 1: pimply bully of a kid that was out of the diary,
Speaker 1: the whimpy kid and he would literally say when he
Speaker 1: was nine years old, shut up our oliver like, you're
Speaker 1: not invited to sleeve like. He would literally talk to it.
Speaker 1: And it sounds like you're giving your kid multiple personalities.
Speaker 1: That's not actually what's happening. You're leveraging objectivity, so you
Speaker 1: separate yourself from the voice that's talking to another thing
Speaker 1: that you can do. I love this for worrying. Oh,
Speaker 1: this is a genius to steal your word move when
Speaker 1: you catch yourself doing the what ifs. Because we know
Speaker 1: there's two forms of worrying, right. There's the type of
Speaker 1: worrying that just destroys you. That's destructive worrying, where you
Speaker 1: just ruminate what if, what if? What if? Then there's
Speaker 1: the positive form of worrying, which is productive because it
Speaker 1: motivates you to change. When you get stuck in the
Speaker 1: what if, what if? What if? Interrupted with this five four,
Speaker 1: three two one, and then go what if it all
Speaker 1: works out? What if? This turns out to be one
Speaker 1: of the hardest things I do, but the best decision
Speaker 1: I've ever made. What if? Placing a bet on myself
Speaker 1: was the moment my life changed. What if it all
Speaker 1: works out? Because you can't argue with that, and it
Speaker 1: literally stops that sort of cycling because worrying is just
Speaker 1: a habit that you have. It's like a pathway that
Speaker 1: you've plowed in your mind, and it's a protection mechanism.
Speaker 1: You're actually not a procrastinator, you're not a worrior. You're
Speaker 1: just afraid, yea. And by staying in your mind, you
Speaker 1: think you're safe. And really what you're doing is you're
Speaker 1: holding yourself back from living the life that you're meant
Speaker 1: to live. I love that that's such a great answer. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it doesn't be kind to yourself. And and then then
Speaker 1: the other ones keep the little promises that you make yourself.
Speaker 1: And there's two simple ways you can practice this that
Speaker 1: everybody's going to hate. When you set the alarm the
Speaker 1: night before. I don't believe in having the same wake
Speaker 1: up time every morning because I think if you have
Speaker 1: a normal life, things are constantly changing. And so I
Speaker 1: think if you were to have one simple habit, which
Speaker 1: is the night before you go to bed, think about
Speaker 1: when you need to wake up to truly support yourself,
Speaker 1: and then intentionally set your alarm. And if you want
Speaker 1: to get really intentional with the science, here make it
Speaker 1: like a random odd number. Don't make it six o'clock.
Speaker 1: Make it six seventeen, because there's a purpose behind that.
Speaker 1: And then when that alarm rings, don't think about it
Speaker 1: like an obligation. I want you to think about it
Speaker 1: like to promise that you're going to practice keeping. And
Speaker 1: this is where you can use the five second rule.
Speaker 1: You're just going to count backwards five four, three two
Speaker 1: one to interrupt all of the desire in your mind
Speaker 1: and body to stay in bed, or to hit the
Speaker 1: snooze button, or to argue against what you need to do.
Speaker 1: And you're going to push through that resistance and take action.
Speaker 1: And by getting out of bed simply when you said
Speaker 1: you would, you are again behavioral activation therapy. You're acting
Speaker 1: like a person who keeps their promises and trust yourself. Yes,
Speaker 1: here's another one. If you just talked about that one,
Speaker 1: you have to say, ye, have we ever talked about
Speaker 1: six seventeen before six? I don't even even seventeen. It's
Speaker 1: so I guess, I don't know. It's so strange when
Speaker 1: you said, don't set it at six, and you just
Speaker 1: said in my mind, I was like, yeah, six seventeen,
Speaker 1: just before you said it no, and yeah, I'm not kidding.
Speaker 1: So is that like your wake up time? No, it isn't.
Speaker 1: I wake up at six. Okay, so why did you
Speaker 1: think success? No idea. That's what I was asking you
Speaker 1: if we talked about it before, and I was like,
Speaker 1: now that the time you wake up or now discuss
Speaker 1: that in naper Now that is literally yeah, she's gonna
Speaker 1: say seventeen. That is I'm trying to think. No where
Speaker 1: in my mind is exempted anyway. But by the point being,
Speaker 1: I really really like that principle and what I've found,
Speaker 1: and you're so right that every day is different. Is
Speaker 1: I found seep sleeping the same amount of time, yes,
Speaker 1: is more important than waking up at the same time.
Speaker 1: Well do you know the research around the snooze button? Yes, yes, yes, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: so so literally it also when it comes to productivity
Speaker 1: and focus and fulfillment, it's not when you get up,
Speaker 1: it's how you get up. And there's all this crazy
Speaker 1: research Like I'm not some sort of like psycho about
Speaker 1: the alarm clock or the snooze button. I personally love
Speaker 1: sleeping in, but I also know that as somebody that
Speaker 1: struggled with anxiety for three decades. Lying in bed in
Speaker 1: the morning or at night is the worst place I
Speaker 1: can be. Absolutely, that is where the anxiety can pin
Speaker 1: you down like a gravity blanket. And so understanding that
Speaker 1: the habit of hitting the snooze button has a detrimental
Speaker 1: impact on your productivity all day because what happens is
Speaker 1: when you wake up, your brain is typically ready to
Speaker 1: wake up. When you drift back to sleep after hitting
Speaker 1: the snooze button, your brain drifts back into a sleep cycle,
Speaker 1: which based on research, takes about seventy five minutes to complete.
Speaker 1: When the alarm goes off nine minutes later, your brain
Speaker 1: is now trapped in a sleep cycle, and researchers say
Speaker 1: it takes you about four hours to snap out of
Speaker 1: what they call sleep inertia. That impacts your productivity all
Speaker 1: day long. And so you're complaining then I didn't get
Speaker 1: enough sleep and you feel groggy. No, you actually got
Speaker 1: plenty of sleep. You screwed yourself over by hitting the
Speaker 1: snooze button, and now your prefrontal cortex can't snap back
Speaker 1: into operation until you're ready to go. I want to
Speaker 1: speak about emotionally, which is what you're talking about earlier
Speaker 1: about you've broken your trust with yourself. And that's why
Speaker 1: when we set these unrealistic targets. I'm gonna wake up
Speaker 1: at five am tomorrow, I'm going to wake up at
Speaker 1: six whatever it is that's unrealistic for you. And then
Speaker 1: you hit the snooze button four times. Yeah, and you
Speaker 1: wake up at the time you would have woken up
Speaker 1: at anyway. Yep, that's just made you lose faith in
Speaker 1: yourself over nothing. Right, So that's the totally See, I'm
Speaker 1: kind of one of these people. Then I sort of
Speaker 1: like lame goals because I want you to win. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm just asking for a high five in the mirror.
Speaker 1: I'm just asking that you roll out of bed five
Speaker 1: four three two one. Here's another wonderful one. Make your bed.
Speaker 1: And here's why. Not because I need you to be
Speaker 1: a Navy seal, but because when you literally and I'm
Speaker 1: not even talking pop a quarter off of it, I'm
Speaker 1: talking throw the blanket across karate, chop a pillow, throw
Speaker 1: a throw on a diagonal, we're done here kind of thing.
Speaker 1: Here's why Number one, it's a beautiful gift you can
Speaker 1: gift yourself because as you walk back into your room,
Speaker 1: it's done. You don't see MSS. Your brain sees a
Speaker 1: person that actually is kind to themselves and follows through
Speaker 1: on things tonight, when you lay down a dream, you
Speaker 1: have a nice place to come back to. And this
Speaker 1: is what I'm talking about with lame lame goals and
Speaker 1: what I call simple discipline. Simple discipline is roll out
Speaker 1: of bed when the alarm rings. Simple discipline is make
Speaker 1: your bed. Simple discipline. I'm even going to make exercise easy.
Speaker 1: You want to hear, Yeah, so easy. Okay, you're ready
Speaker 1: to night. In your closet, get your exercise clothes out,
Speaker 1: lay them on the floor, put them right in your
Speaker 1: way so you can't step around them, because then they're
Speaker 1: there as a trap on your floor the next morning. Again,
Speaker 1: you don't have to think about it. You're like, oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, stepping over them, is you breaking a promise?
Speaker 1: When you pull them on, I know you're more likely
Speaker 1: to exercise today because they're already on your body. And
Speaker 1: so but in my book, we're practicing simple things here.
Speaker 1: So you get a high five just for pulling the
Speaker 1: tights on. Man, Like, I'm not even gonna count exercising.
Speaker 1: If you get the exercise clothes on, We've gotten up
Speaker 1: we've made our bed, we got our exercise. Now we're
Speaker 1: gonna high five them. Here, Honey, you just got four wins.
Speaker 1: You've only been up for twenty seconds. This is the
Speaker 1: Mel Robbins program. This is how you build trust with
Speaker 1: yourself by setting really small goals, little tiny promises, because
Speaker 1: you're building a new muscle. And the most important promise
Speaker 1: in all of this is how you treat yourself in
Speaker 1: the mirror, because, as you know, Jay, that relationship that
Speaker 1: you have with yourself is the foundation for every relationship
Speaker 1: that you have. If you can't look yourself in the eye,
Speaker 1: you will never be able to allow somebody else to
Speaker 1: love you because you don't first love yourself. If you
Speaker 1: struggle with people pleasing, that's not about other people, that's
Speaker 1: about your insecurity with yourself. So it comes back again
Speaker 1: to the simple discipline of looking at yourself and learning
Speaker 1: how to be secure with the one human being you
Speaker 1: spend your whole life with. And the only way you're
Speaker 1: going to start being secure with who you are is
Speaker 1: when you start accepting and loving who you are, no
Speaker 1: matter where you are, whether you exercise today or not,
Speaker 1: whether you blew it yesterday or not, whether you really
Speaker 1: are trying hard and winning or not. I love that
Speaker 1: for me. Making my bed also improves my relationship with
Speaker 1: my wife because she happens to wake up earlier than me.
Speaker 1: And therefore we have a rule in our house whoever
Speaker 1: wakes up second does the bed, which means I end
Speaker 1: up doing the bed. I don't like that rule because
Speaker 1: my husband gets up first. Yeah, so anyway, I always
Speaker 1: have to do my bed. But my wife also liked
Speaker 1: to have like twenty pillows on the bed, so there's
Speaker 1: more pillows on the bed than there is a bed,
Speaker 1: and and so I really don't enjoy it because I
Speaker 1: have to like organize these pillows. Do the karate chop?
Speaker 1: Do you have to have a Yeah, I have three pillows,
Speaker 1: one behind the other. I mean, it's it's like real work.
Speaker 1: But by the time I finished doing that, I'm like
Speaker 1: I can do anything. Yes, I love all these principles
Speaker 1: you're talking about, But the biggest thing is the theme
Speaker 1: that's underlying all of them is celebrate, congratulate, build trust,
Speaker 1: Which you're so right that this if anyone's listening and thinking,
Speaker 1: oh well, if I celebrate these little things and I'll
Speaker 1: never do anything big. No, it's it's the other way around.
Speaker 1: It's that if you build trust with yourself doing these
Speaker 1: little things, you'll trust yourself with bigger things. And anyone
Speaker 1: that you see that's doing big, bold, incredible things today
Speaker 1: is because they trusted themselves with the tiny, small, incremental changes.
Speaker 1: And so when Mel saying celebrate just putting the gym
Speaker 1: clothes on, she's saying that because if you celebrate that,
Speaker 1: you'll notice that, Hey, I can trust myself for this.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about celebration because for both of us, and
Speaker 1: I also see this in you, and I think you
Speaker 1: know when we're in Napper with all our friends. I
Speaker 1: feel that celebration is something that everyone struggles with the
Speaker 1: more successful they become. And because the goals get bigger,
Speaker 1: the time length of the next project gets longer because
Speaker 1: it's harder. It's like launching a TV show as you did,
Speaker 1: or you wrote another book after five years. There's more
Speaker 1: pressure this time because the last thing was incredible and
Speaker 1: now you're doing something bigger. I find we live in
Speaker 1: this world where it's easy to stop celebrating. Did you
Speaker 1: find out or have you always found time for yourself
Speaker 1: to celebrate your wins and your successes I'm just asking
Speaker 1: on a personal The honest answer is that I think
Speaker 1: it wasn't until I discovered the high five habit that
Speaker 1: I profoundly realized how much self hatred I was dealing
Speaker 1: with and despite everything else yet well, and this I
Speaker 1: think is a really big piece of the power of this,
Speaker 1: especially if you're somebody who's achievement oriented, and everybody that
Speaker 1: listens to this podcast feels a big calling and wants
Speaker 1: to do more in the world and make a bigger
Speaker 1: difference and a bigger impact. There's a real danger that's
Speaker 1: very common Jay, that you start to marry or you've
Speaker 1: always married being worthy or lovable with what you're doing
Speaker 1: and what you're achieving. And it works both ways in
Speaker 1: terms of if you don't have the number on the scale,
Speaker 1: it means again the dust on the mirror, you are
Speaker 1: not worthy because you haven't achieved it yet. And for
Speaker 1: those of us that have achieved some things that we've
Speaker 1: set out to do, what happens is you find that
Speaker 1: as soon as you achieve the thing, you actually need
Speaker 1: to do something else better because it was a thing
Speaker 1: that you achieved that made you lovable or worthy. And
Speaker 1: the real trick and this is everything is being able
Speaker 1: to know and feel in your bones that you are
Speaker 1: lovable and worthy just because you're breathing. And that was
Speaker 1: a huge breakthrough for me. And so no, I never
Speaker 1: celebrated because I think I was so married to this
Speaker 1: idea that unless I'm doing or winning or achieving, and
Speaker 1: it happens so subtly when you're little, because you start
Speaker 1: to get so much positive praise when you get a
Speaker 1: good grade, or when you do something at school, or
Speaker 1: when you make your mates laugh or whatever it might be,
Speaker 1: that you start to go, oh, that's what love feels like.
Speaker 1: Oh if I do that, And so you outsource love
Speaker 1: and validation to outside things, and I'm here to tell
Speaker 1: you we all got to learn how to bring it
Speaker 1: back home and anchor the validation and love that you
Speaker 1: need where you are right now, every single day. And
Speaker 1: it's only in discovering this that I had to confront
Speaker 1: just how much I was beating myself up, just how
Speaker 1: much I was tearing myself down, and how I was
Speaker 1: chasing these things because what I actually wanted was to
Speaker 1: feel loved. Like if you ask yourself, okay, great, you
Speaker 1: want to make a million dollars, why there's a feeling
Speaker 1: that you're looking for from that, and if you can
Speaker 1: start to work on bringing that feeling into your day
Speaker 1: to day life for yourself, it changes the way that
Speaker 1: you go about achieving things Like I didn't even enjoy
Speaker 1: half the stuff that I did because I was constantly
Speaker 1: maniacally focused on the things that weren't working rather than
Speaker 1: the hundred things that were. And the same is true
Speaker 1: with everybody's day. You don't even know the number of
Speaker 1: amazing things you do every day. You feed the dog,
Speaker 1: high five, you got the kids at school, high five,
Speaker 1: you read ten pages of the book high five, You
Speaker 1: said a nice thing to a stranger, high five, You
Speaker 1: got something done at work, high five, you got through
Speaker 1: seventy percent of your inbox high five. Instead, you focus
Speaker 1: and ruminate on the one thing you didn't get to,
Speaker 1: and then you use that as evidence. Again, dust on
Speaker 1: the mirror to see a human being that's not measuring
Speaker 1: up and never will and all that stuff. They're stupid.
Speaker 1: Fourth grade teacher said, you must be true, dust on
Speaker 1: the mirror. No, you need to interrupt this period. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that is so powerful everything you just said. I was
Speaker 1: just nodding along, thinking this is so true. I saw
Speaker 1: a video recently from a good friend of mine, Jason Goldberg,
Speaker 1: and he was talking about a study at the Olympics
Speaker 1: where people who win bronze a happier than those win silver.
Speaker 1: And so coming third makes you happy than coming second
Speaker 1: because the people that come second they go, oh, but
Speaker 1: I was a second away from first, and so they
Speaker 1: feel disheartened, whereas the person who came third goes, at
Speaker 1: least I made it on the podium. Yeah, and that's
Speaker 1: what you're saying, Yeah, make it to the podium. Yes,
Speaker 1: put on the clothes or just put on the clothes.
Speaker 1: You just put on the clothes. But that's making it
Speaker 1: to the like to me, that's just getting there. It's
Speaker 1: not us. And actually, what you really hit something when
Speaker 1: you were saying that about celebration. For me, it's not
Speaker 1: just about celebration. It's about what we celebrate in our lives.
Speaker 1: So when we celebrate our birthday, we're celebrating life. When
Speaker 1: you're celebrating an achievement, you're still celebrating a thing. Yes,
Speaker 1: and so celebrating life when you're celebrating your breath, when
Speaker 1: you're celebrating your life force, your energy, your soul, the
Speaker 1: ability to love, the ability to be kind, the ability
Speaker 1: to have relation or exchanges like we're having right now.
Speaker 1: That's what you celebrate, because if you only celebrate things now,
Speaker 1: you're waiting for the next thing. And I actually learned
Speaker 1: that completely from my wife. Rather whether it was consciously
Speaker 1: or unconsciously, she didn't even know what she was doing.
Speaker 1: This was totally all in my own head. But I
Speaker 1: realized that every time I reached a new external peak
Speaker 1: or a new thing, I expected to receive more love
Speaker 1: from her. I expected that she would think something more
Speaker 1: cool of me, and the answer was she didn't. She
Speaker 1: loved me the same, and I would always wonder, why
Speaker 1: does she not love me for this? How does she
Speaker 1: not respect me? How does she not feel it? Differently?
Speaker 1: I mean, look what I'm doing, look what I would.
Speaker 1: And when I kept working with that thought and I
Speaker 1: reflect deeply, and I love breaking down my own thoughts
Speaker 1: and figuring it out, and I really get stuck in there,
Speaker 1: I realized that my wife loves me for my life
Speaker 1: and who I am, not what I do. And so
Speaker 1: she unintentionally trained me and taught me to disconnect my
Speaker 1: value from what I do to who I am, which
Speaker 1: is what she loves me for and I realized that
Speaker 1: that was so much more beautiful and so much more
Speaker 1: powerful and so much more meaningful to be loved for
Speaker 1: who I am. Yes, then what I do and achieve? Yes,
Speaker 1: And here's now an even bigger thing. Please you already
Speaker 1: do this, but as you're listening to Jay, and I
Speaker 1: want you to actually grasp how profound it would be
Speaker 1: if you could feel that way about yourself, if you
Speaker 1: could always just look in the mirror and see a
Speaker 1: human being that's trying and that's worthy of a high five,
Speaker 1: and a human being that failed and Okay, we're going
Speaker 1: to brush it off and that's worthy of a high five.
Speaker 1: Somebody who is running the marathon of life that you
Speaker 1: are going to celebrate every step of the way. And
Speaker 1: you know, I also want to take this and flip
Speaker 1: this in the opposite because I think this is where
Speaker 1: people really get mucked up. This happened in my own marriage,
Speaker 1: and it's only a recent discovery between Chris and I,
Speaker 1: and that is that we had the opposite thing happened Jay.
Speaker 1: So when Chris and his best friend went into the
Speaker 1: restaurant business and they poured seven years into it and
Speaker 1: gave it their go and at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: they sold it, you know, for pennies on the dollar
Speaker 1: to the next investor, and they did not return the
Speaker 1: profit that they had hoped they would return to their investors.
Speaker 1: Now it was interesting about watching this all go down,
Speaker 1: is that our best friend, who is Chris's partner, was
Speaker 1: able to leave the experience and go, okay, entrepreneurship. I'm
Speaker 1: so proud of us. We put in so much work.
Speaker 1: We built something amazing, We had an incredible brand, we
Speaker 1: were incredible leaders. Did we return the profit? No, but
Speaker 1: that's not everything in life. And he moved on. My
Speaker 1: husband could not. He literally said, because I didn't achieve,
Speaker 1: because I failed, I am a failure who is not
Speaker 1: worthy of love. And for seven years he has walked
Speaker 1: into a bathroom with the dust that has said I
Speaker 1: am a failure. And so as you have been looking
Speaker 1: for why doesn't she love me more? Somebody who fails goes,
Speaker 1: how can you still love me? And it's only until
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter how much I love the guy, doesn't
Speaker 1: matter how much I build him up. And you know,
Speaker 1: I'm so proud of everything that he's done and all
Speaker 1: the stuff that Chris is doing and he's had a
Speaker 1: massive breakthrough in this and part of it is through
Speaker 1: the high five habit because of the resistance. But I
Speaker 1: can't do that, Loot, look at the failure that I've been.
Speaker 1: If you don't love yourself, you won't allow somebody else
Speaker 1: to love you. Yeah. And so when you can separate
Speaker 1: what you're doing from your soul and your intention and
Speaker 1: your spirit and your humanity and you can stand with
Speaker 1: yourself every morning, and that high five doesn't necessarily become celebration.
Speaker 1: It becomes acceptance, and it becomes compassion, and it becomes acknowledgement,
Speaker 1: and then it becomes slowly celebration and momentum and forward
Speaker 1: energy that you need when life drags you down. And
Speaker 1: so it's really a profound point you just made that
Speaker 1: it's only when you love yourself for breathing, for living,
Speaker 1: for being just as you are, that that level of
Speaker 1: acceptance that we so want from everybody else. And I'm
Speaker 1: telling you you have an opportunity to do it for
Speaker 1: yourself by keeping your promises, by being kind yourself, by
Speaker 1: standing before yourself and seeing a human being who needs
Speaker 1: you and who loves you and who's going to be
Speaker 1: with you your whole life. That's beautiful. It's amazing just
Speaker 1: just sitting there listening to you talk about that, and
Speaker 1: when I'm thinking about what you said With Chris, we
Speaker 1: recently celebrated your anniversary, which is incredible. Congratulations. I mean
Speaker 1: that's goals. Like me and my wife would be married
Speaker 1: at five together for eight. When I hear you twenty five,
Speaker 1: I'm like, cher all the wisdom, give it to me.
Speaker 1: Tell me about what it's been like learning from each other,
Speaker 1: especially seeing as your job is teaching. Yeah, it's coaching,
Speaker 1: it's working with CEOs and organizations and people and of
Speaker 1: course millions of people online, but you're working with so
Speaker 1: many companies as well. How has it been for him
Speaker 1: and for you to learn from each other? Has that
Speaker 1: been easy as they've been harder? When you talk about
Speaker 1: the seven years and you're saying that broke partly through
Speaker 1: the high five habit for him, I love hearing that
Speaker 1: because that makes me go, yes, like, not only does
Speaker 1: this work for everyone, it works for the people closest
Speaker 1: to you, which he says so much. Can you tell
Speaker 1: us a bit about yeah that well, you know, and
Speaker 1: also you know, to Chris's credit, he also got into therapy,
Speaker 1: and you know, he did the work. He did the work,
Speaker 1: and he's started Amend's retreats to help other men degree
Speaker 1: to do the work. And we've done a lot of
Speaker 1: work together, which I think is really important. It's so
Speaker 1: important to do work on yourself because it's not your
Speaker 1: partner's job to make you happy. It's your job to
Speaker 1: figure out how to bring the happiest and healthiest and
Speaker 1: kindest you into the relationship. Because when you can do that,
Speaker 1: you can build like a nurturing crucible if that's even
Speaker 1: the right word where you is that the right way?
Speaker 1: Don't even a way? You can build like a pot.
Speaker 1: I don't know that that sounds very unglamorous, but we
Speaker 1: camp a lot, you know. I think the hardest thing,
Speaker 1: and it took me a long time, was realizing that
Speaker 1: the most important thing in a relationship, if you want
Speaker 1: it to go the distance, is being kind and actually
Speaker 1: staying interested in the other person's experience and point of view.
Speaker 1: Like the challenge of being in a relationship that long
Speaker 1: as you think you know somebody. Yeah, And the fact is,
Speaker 1: I don't care how great your relationship is or how
Speaker 1: bad it is or whatever, but how great it is
Speaker 1: in particular, there are parts of the person you're with
Speaker 1: that you don't know, because even they don't know that totally.
Speaker 1: And I don't even think Chris realized the extent to
Speaker 1: which he was subconsciously pile driving himself with his mindset.
Speaker 1: And it didn't matter that I thought he was the
Speaker 1: most incredible person in the world, or the greatest father,
Speaker 1: or wonderful spouse or my biggest cheerleader. He didn't feel
Speaker 1: like those things. And so I would say being kind listening.
Speaker 1: I think also making requests of each other are really important.
Speaker 1: So instead of pointing out what's wrong, think about what
Speaker 1: you need. Because even though Chris and I have been
Speaker 1: together for twenty seven years now married twenty five, I'm
Speaker 1: still not a mind reader. And when you can make
Speaker 1: requests about what you need instead of letting it get
Speaker 1: to you and then acting out, that changes everything. That's incredible.
Speaker 1: I love hearing that. Thank you for sharing that, and
Speaker 1: thank you for opening up. I met Chris for the
Speaker 1: first time only about a month ago. Now he's wonderful,
Speaker 1: Like he's just such a gentleman, so kind, so sweet,
Speaker 1: so loving, very warm. I mean, we had so many
Speaker 1: beautiful interactions and conversations while we were in Napa together,
Speaker 1: and I just love seeing you both continuing to, you know,
Speaker 1: really just show what real strength looks like as a couple. Well,
Speaker 1: you know, Jay, I think one of the other things
Speaker 1: that has been fascinating is you've got to leave room
Speaker 1: for each other to grow. Yeah, so we've also gone
Speaker 1: through tremendous evolutions as a couple where you know, for
Speaker 1: a while, we were both working and we were sort
Speaker 1: of fifty fifty in terms of what we earned, and
Speaker 1: then Chris started to out earn me, and then I
Speaker 1: kind of took the second role. And then next thing
Speaker 1: you know, he's going into entrepreneurship and I'm sort of
Speaker 1: growing in the corporate market. Next thing, you know, we
Speaker 1: find ourselves financially imploding, eight hundred thousand dollars in debt,
Speaker 1: horrible experience twelve years ago, about to lose everything. And
Speaker 1: what was interesting is it was that crisis that flipped
Speaker 1: us into the right roles. Chris as you met, his
Speaker 1: name is Christopher Robbins. He's like the world's most nurturing man.
Speaker 1: You know, Winnie the Poo's owner for crying out loud.
Speaker 1: He doesn't care about money and building things and fancy stuff.
Speaker 1: He would live in a yurt if I would want to.
Speaker 1: I do not do that, Chris, I do not. It
Speaker 1: was through that that I discovered my own ambition that
Speaker 1: I actually do care about building things. I do want
Speaker 1: to go out and play that game in business. I
Speaker 1: freaking love it. And it happened at the perfect time,
Speaker 1: because it was at the moment when we had kids
Speaker 1: in middle school and they needed somebody more nurturing than
Speaker 1: me to be home and they needed somebody. And so
Speaker 1: our kids have had the greatest gift because they've seen
Speaker 1: our partnership evolved. They've seen a dad that it stayed
Speaker 1: home for a while, They've seen a mom off in
Speaker 1: the world building something. And the biggest message is that
Speaker 1: you're only going to stay together if you continue to talk.
Speaker 1: One of the things that our therapists said to us
Speaker 1: that I think about all the time, So steal this.
Speaker 1: It's really easy when you get along to do the
Speaker 1: logistics and transactions of life, but you can start to
Speaker 1: find yourself very sequestered from each other, but together and
Speaker 1: in rolls, but never going deeper. And so I think
Speaker 1: when you notice that either you're not growing or your
Speaker 1: partner's not growing, that's when it's really important to start
Speaker 1: turning toward one another. Yeah, that's so true. That's so true.
Speaker 1: I've always said, like for me right now, watching rather
Speaker 1: You grow is like my favorite thing in the world
Speaker 1: because she's almost just in the last eighteen months really
Speaker 1: discovered her purpose. She's always been very skilled and talented
Speaker 1: and had lots of strengths, but it was in this
Speaker 1: last eighteen months that I saw her really embrace herself.
Speaker 1: High five yeah, yeah, yeah, she really got to that point. Yeah,
Speaker 1: high five herself and to really claim that and own that.
Speaker 1: And it's the most fun things in your partner find that.
Speaker 1: And I was like, we're going to clear up your
Speaker 1: whole schedule so you can just do that because I
Speaker 1: see that that momentum's coming for you, and I think
Speaker 1: often what it is, and you talk about this. I
Speaker 1: have a few more questions I want to ask you,
Speaker 1: But it's this idea of often, even in our partners,
Speaker 1: you talk about jealousy. In chapter eight, you talk about
Speaker 1: a chapter which you call wise life so easy for
Speaker 1: them and not for me, And I've noticed that this
Speaker 1: sometimes can even creep I want to talk about it
Speaker 1: broadly but it can also creep into our own marriage.
Speaker 1: In relationship for sure, where people think, oh, well I do,
Speaker 1: and you know, there's there's pros and constants. So obviously
Speaker 1: in our life, I was the one who built my
Speaker 1: purpose and career and Riley was building her skills and
Speaker 1: her strengths. And it's so easy to get caught up
Speaker 1: in the mindset of well, I didn't have someone who
Speaker 1: is going to help me out when I started out
Speaker 1: because I didn't. And you can even have that in
Speaker 1: your own relationship, and it can be so poisonous and
Speaker 1: toxic in your own relationship. But you also talk about
Speaker 1: how jealousy can be used as a tool. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: So I wanted to hear about that because I think
Speaker 1: we do live in a world today, whether it's in
Speaker 1: our own relationships, whether it's broadly, we always look, oh
Speaker 1: it's easy for them, it's not for me. Oh everything's
Speaker 1: working out for them. It's not for me. I work
Speaker 1: even harder than that person does, but dead winning, I'm not.
Speaker 1: I'm more talented and skilled in that person. But so
Speaker 1: when you're how do you use that as a tool? Okay,
Speaker 1: So I love that you asked us because this is
Speaker 1: a powerful tool. First of all, we all misunderstand jealousy.
Speaker 1: You think jealousy is hatred. That's not what it is.
Speaker 1: All jealousy's desire, That's all that it is. And when
Speaker 1: it starts to bubble up and consume you, and it
Speaker 1: used to consume me like crazy. I used to be
Speaker 1: just like that person that you were talking about, Jay,
Speaker 1: jealous of everybody. Jay. I hate Jay. Jay has a podcast,
Speaker 1: Oh for I hate Jay. Jay has been at this
Speaker 1: longer than Look at all those followers that Jay has. Oh,
Speaker 1: of course he lives in La of course he's got
Speaker 1: a sort of like I mean, I could just whoo
Speaker 1: spin it all. But here's the thing. This is the
Speaker 1: coolest part about jealousy. Ready, you cannot be jealous of
Speaker 1: someone or something that you don't truly desire. I'm not
Speaker 1: the least bit jealous of somebody who has the most
Speaker 1: extraordinary apartment in New York City. I don't want to
Speaker 1: live there. It's not meant for me. Jealousy is a clue,
Speaker 1: it's a directional signal. It's a dot on the map
Speaker 1: of your life, and the desire is blocked by fear
Speaker 1: or comparison, or insecurity or stress. Or whatever. And so
Speaker 1: when you start to recognize, oh, interesting, there's jealousy. Well,
Speaker 1: I'm jealous of Jay. He's got this incredible podcast that's
Speaker 1: reaching millions of people. He's making this huge difference. What
Speaker 1: is it about that? Is it about Ja? Yeah? No,
Speaker 1: but really what it's about is I've been wanting to
Speaker 1: do a podcast forever. So instead of aiming that jealousy
Speaker 1: out at the world or at myself, aim it into inspiration,
Speaker 1: Aim it into motivation. Recognize and give yourself permission that
Speaker 1: if you unpack whatever it is that you're jealous of,
Speaker 1: I'm jealous of their marriage. What is it about it?
Speaker 1: Is it the fact that they seem to have a
Speaker 1: date night? Is it the fact that they're really kind
Speaker 1: to each other? Explore it, lean into it, give yourself
Speaker 1: permission to have that thing, and then get off your
Speaker 1: ass and go make it happen. That's it, because here's
Speaker 1: the thing. Your jealousy is not going away, and it
Speaker 1: will either continue to consume you or you are going
Speaker 1: to blow the lid off that block desire and you
Speaker 1: are going to empower yourself to start moving toward what
Speaker 1: you want. That's how you do it. And again, this
Speaker 1: high five habit is so important because if you stand
Speaker 1: in front of the mirror and go I'm too late,
Speaker 1: I'd just be a copycat. All these people see you dumb,
Speaker 1: like this is what the beatdown is. If you go nope,
Speaker 1: you high five yourself. You're like, I see you. You
Speaker 1: are a little bit later than everybody else. Great, They're
Speaker 1: guideposts on the map of your life. All these people
Speaker 1: are your co creators. Everybody you're jealous of is literally
Speaker 1: somebody that is running point for you. But you haven't
Speaker 1: allowed yourself the permission to unpack it and actually question
Speaker 1: and go on an inquiry that's so rewarding of well, wow,
Speaker 1: what is really calling me about this? Yeah? I think
Speaker 1: that's so true. And I love seeing jealousy that way.
Speaker 1: And you said something there was really important that I
Speaker 1: want people to catch on if they didn't. Is jealousy
Speaker 1: is a tool when you're self aware, Like you are
Speaker 1: self aware, I don't want an apartment in New York. Hence,
Speaker 1: if someone has a stunning apartment in New York, I
Speaker 1: don't feel jealous. But a lot of us our jealousy
Speaker 1: is just scattered because we don't know what we want
Speaker 1: or what our dream truly is so, then everyone's dream
Speaker 1: feels exciting and better than ours. And that's why I
Speaker 1: think what you said is so true when people actually
Speaker 1: can develop a little bit of self awareness of what
Speaker 1: is my genuine dream, Because I remember I talk a
Speaker 1: lot about like when you don't find your purpose, you're
Speaker 1: jealous of everyone. And when you know your purpose, then
Speaker 1: you become jealous in your space of your purpose, and
Speaker 1: at least it narrows it down. But it's like when
Speaker 1: you don't know, It's like I could look at a
Speaker 1: singer and be like, oh I wish I could sing, like,
Speaker 1: oh I should have had that. Or if i'm and
Speaker 1: I know, I can't seem to save my life. So
Speaker 1: when I have that self awareness, I can detach. Okay,
Speaker 1: don't need to be jealous of Justin Bieber. I'm not
Speaker 1: Justin Bieber, That's okay, right, right, Or like Christiano Ronaldo,
Speaker 1: I love soccer, I adore soccer, but I was never
Speaker 1: good enough to play soccer in a for the Premier
Speaker 1: League club or whatever, So I can let go of that.
Speaker 1: And that's what I think self awareness is so important,
Speaker 1: is because otherwise jealousy will just drive you crazy. And
Speaker 1: I think that's where it starts that jealousy can be
Speaker 1: a tool when you actually know yourself well and jealousy,
Speaker 1: let's take this a step further, actually can help you
Speaker 1: know yourself. Yeah, because I think what Justin Bieber and
Speaker 1: you know the soccer player have in common is they
Speaker 1: are living full out. Yes, their life forces on display. Yes,
Speaker 1: that's what you're attracted to. Yes. And so if you
Speaker 1: were to even take all your scattered jealousy and sit
Speaker 1: with a cup of amazing tea and calm yourself down,
Speaker 1: and you know, like we haven't even talked about high
Speaker 1: fiving your heart, which is a way to be flip
Speaker 1: your nervous system into a calm state and map it
Speaker 1: all out and be like, oh, interesting, all the people
Speaker 1: that I'm jealous of that I follow online, that I
Speaker 1: obsess over, that I like their posts, it's their life force. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's their artistry, yes, yes, And so that is there
Speaker 1: is there is a common theme there, and it can
Speaker 1: help you gain the self awareness. Absolutely. I want to
Speaker 1: ask you one last question before we get the final five.
Speaker 1: This is about a chapter that you call how about
Speaker 1: I start tomorrow? And I love this because I think
Speaker 1: so many people will be listening to this and be like, Okay,
Speaker 1: tomorrow I'm going to start doing yes and and that's
Speaker 1: you know, we all know that. Okay, next Monday, Okay, no,
Speaker 1: twenty twenty two. I'm gonna read this book January twenty
Speaker 1: twenty two. Right, people, we start thinking like that, tell
Speaker 1: us about how that mindset doesn't help us do it tomorrow? Yeah?
Speaker 1: Are you kid? So? First of all, motivation is complete garbage.
Speaker 1: Everybody's sitting around waiting to feel like a jay. And
Speaker 1: this is a recipe for never seeing your dreams come
Speaker 1: true and dying with a lot of regret. Thank you
Speaker 1: very much, welcome to my TED talk. This has been
Speaker 1: very inspiring. Now, seriously, I want you to understand that
Speaker 1: you will never feel ready to do things that scare you.
Speaker 1: You will never feel ready to jump off the cliff.
Speaker 1: You will never feel ready to take that leap. And
Speaker 1: the reason why is based on science and research. Your
Speaker 1: brain is designed to protect you and change requires risk,
Speaker 1: and so you are protecting yourself by saying maybe tomorrow.
Speaker 1: This is where the five second rule comes in superhandy.
Speaker 1: So if you are constantly procrastinating, you probably have a
Speaker 1: bias towards thinking, and you can use the five second
Speaker 1: rule to literally push yourself to take action. All you're
Speaker 1: going to do is count backwards five four three two one.
Speaker 1: That's it. I know. It's as dumb as the high five.
Speaker 1: It's as simple as the high five. It has profound
Speaker 1: research behind it because what you're doing when you start
Speaker 1: counting backwards and you have to count backwards, it does
Speaker 1: not work. If you count up, doesn't work because counting
Speaker 1: backwards five four three two one requires you to focus.
Speaker 1: When you focus, you flip the switch and your prefrontal
Speaker 1: cortex turns on. This is a starting ritual that interrupts
Speaker 1: the patterns of overthinking, a fear, of anxiety, of procrastination,
Speaker 1: of comparison that are making you go at tomorrow not today.
Speaker 1: I don't feel like it five four three two one.
Speaker 1: Your prefrontal cortex turns on. That's a part of the
Speaker 1: brain you need to either learn new behavior or take
Speaker 1: action that's inspired. So now when you get to one,
Speaker 1: you got a shot at doing something different. So move.
Speaker 1: And here's the real secret to this. The second you
Speaker 1: started counting, you actually made a decision to change. So
Speaker 1: the counting is the trojan horse to the bigger thing.
Speaker 1: You're avoiding five four three two one launches you through
Speaker 1: the resistance, and it pushes you into action. That's the
Speaker 1: only way you're going to change. Sitting there listening to us,
Speaker 1: Lightning is not going to strike you on the couch.
Speaker 1: Jay and I are not going to show up and
Speaker 1: kick you or drag you out of your house and
Speaker 1: make you on that run. If you want to change
Speaker 1: your life, make a decision to change your life. And
Speaker 1: you know, I'm going to say something that I really
Speaker 1: hope happens from you listening to Jay and I today.
Speaker 1: I think it's very easy to sit in this moment
Speaker 1: in your life and to look back at your life
Speaker 1: and to see how everything that's ever happened to you,
Speaker 1: positive and negative, is a dot on the map of
Speaker 1: your life that has led you here. True power is
Speaker 1: knowing that this moment right here is also a dot
Speaker 1: on your map, and that this moment, too, is connecting
Speaker 1: you forward on the map of your life towards something
Speaker 1: extraordinary that hasn't happened yet. And you can either sit
Speaker 1: here and listen to this and let this dot come
Speaker 1: and go, or you can wake the heck up and
Speaker 1: realize at some point the map takes you to a
Speaker 1: final destination, and we don't know when that is. But
Speaker 1: if you want to change your life, you've got to
Speaker 1: make a decision to change your life, and sitting around
Speaker 1: and waiting to feel ready is not the decision I
Speaker 1: want you to make. So when you're done listening to
Speaker 1: the five four, three, two one, I want you to
Speaker 1: turn toward that thing that you've always dreamt of, that
Speaker 1: you've been waiting to do, and you go and you
Speaker 1: move toward the thing that is meant for you, because
Speaker 1: that's the only way you're going to get there. The
Speaker 1: one and only Mel robins everyone the high five habit. Mel.
Speaker 1: We end every episode with the final five, which suits
Speaker 1: you perfectly. With the five second rule and the high
Speaker 1: five five, it's like we planned it and this is
Speaker 1: our fast five. Every questions be answered in one word
Speaker 1: to one sentence. Okay, so I give one yeah, okay.
Speaker 1: So the first question is, what is the best advice
Speaker 1: you've ever received? Never leave a bathroom without high fiving
Speaker 1: yourself in a mirror. I love it all right. Question
Speaker 1: number two, what is the worst advice you've ever received?
Speaker 1: Someone else can make you happy. Absolutely, They can make
Speaker 1: you a cup of coffee. Yeah, I can't make you happy.
Speaker 1: A lot of people hear that. It's very true. I
Speaker 1: didn't get to ask you this, probably, but I want
Speaker 1: to hear about it. Tell us about high fiving your
Speaker 1: hand on your heart. Oh, this is incredible. So this
Speaker 1: comes from research from doctor Judy Willis. And this is
Speaker 1: why this is so important right now. I think everybody's
Speaker 1: nervous system is in a state or fight or flight.
Speaker 1: If you feel constantly exhausted, stressed out, you can't focus,
Speaker 1: you're on edge, you're waiting for the other shoe to drop,
Speaker 1: and honestly, what we've just lived through, that human body
Speaker 1: is not built to sustain that level of uncertainty for
Speaker 1: that amount of time. So what you're going to do
Speaker 1: to high five your heart is we're going to teach
Speaker 1: you how to flip off your fight or flight nervous
Speaker 1: system and flip on your parasympathetic, calm, cool nervous system.
Speaker 1: And so here's how you do. It's very simple. You're
Speaker 1: gonna take your hands and push them on the center
Speaker 1: of your chest, and you're gonna take a deep breath,
Speaker 1: blow it out, and then you're going to repeat these
Speaker 1: three sentences. I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm safe,
Speaker 1: I'm loved, I'm loved. And some mornings you might need
Speaker 1: to do it fifty three times. What's happening and what
Speaker 1: do you feel? Jay? When you do that? I feel,
Speaker 1: I mean, on a physical level, I feel like my
Speaker 1: heart right slowing down. I feel like my body's become
Speaker 1: more relaxed in an emotional or mental capacity, I just
Speaker 1: feel I send some more stone as sense of more
Speaker 1: clarity and certainty. Exactly what you're doing on a scientific
Speaker 1: level is you're tapping into a treasure in your body
Speaker 1: called the vegas nerve. Now you talk about this all
Speaker 1: the time. It runs from your seat to the top
Speaker 1: of your head, through every major organ, through your vocal cords.
Speaker 1: There are lots of ways you can strength strengthen the
Speaker 1: vegas nerve. It is the on off switch between your
Speaker 1: stressed out nervous system and your cool, grounded one. And
Speaker 1: so every morning, I want you to high five your heart.
Speaker 1: I want you to take a deep breath and start
Speaker 1: your day by saying I am okay, I'm safe, and
Speaker 1: I'm loved, and repeat it, and repeat it and repeat
Speaker 1: it until you feel yourself come back into your body,
Speaker 1: you feel the stress level decrease. And the fact of
Speaker 1: the matter is if you can hear yourself even thinking
Speaker 1: those three sentences, it's true. We had a woman who
Speaker 1: wrote to us from a homeless or of domestic violence shelter,
Speaker 1: and she said that she's had tremendous childhood abuse. She's
Speaker 1: just escaped a very abusive relationship. She's lost everything. She said,
Speaker 1: for five days, she's been waking up and high fiving
Speaker 1: her heart, telling herself that I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved.
Speaker 1: She's been starting her day with a high five in
Speaker 1: the mirror. And she said, after just five days, I
Speaker 1: realize I have a very long road ahead of me.
Speaker 1: But now I know at least I still have myself. Wow,
Speaker 1: it's incredible. It's absolutely beautiful. It's funny because when I
Speaker 1: was reading by then the book, I didn't realize it.
Speaker 1: So I have a habit of that's probably one of
Speaker 1: my go to hand gestures in my day to day life,
Speaker 1: and I do it usually when someone thank me. So
Speaker 1: if I bump into someone on the street and they're like, hey, Ja,
Speaker 1: I listen to the podcast, I really love it, i'd
Speaker 1: always say thank you, so much like, that's a very
Speaker 1: nat that's what I read about it. I was like,
Speaker 1: I didn't know about I do it because it's just
Speaker 1: a natural thing for me. But I literally put an
Speaker 1: I'd be like, thank you so much. That means the
Speaker 1: world to me. I'm so grateful for that. Like, that's
Speaker 1: that's and I do that all the time. It's it's
Speaker 1: like my go to hand gesture. Not that I've trained
Speaker 1: it or thought of it subconsciously been what I've done.
Speaker 1: And now that I know that it does that, I'm like, wow,
Speaker 1: Like it's it's incredible to think that some of these
Speaker 1: things actually happened quite subconsciously and you know, naturally. So anyway,
Speaker 1: that was something I had to ask about. Okay, question
Speaker 1: number four what is how would you define your current purpose? Oh,
Speaker 1: it's a cracking the wall of darkness that people live
Speaker 1: in and letting a little light in. And the fifth
Speaker 1: and final question, if you could create one rule or
Speaker 1: law or have it that everyone in the world had
Speaker 1: to follow, what would it be. I'm not sure it
Speaker 1: would definitely be because of the impact in my life.
Speaker 1: Never leave a bathroom without high fiving the human being
Speaker 1: you see in the mirror. Yeah, I love that I'm
Speaker 1: going to be doing it every day, this week and forever.
Speaker 1: I'm going to hope that it continues to last and
Speaker 1: last and last as a habit. But I'm so grateful
Speaker 1: to you, Mal. We could talk for hours. There's so
Speaker 1: much more in this book to unpack, and I want
Speaker 1: every single person who's been listening or watching this podcast
Speaker 1: to go out and grab a copy of the High
Speaker 1: five Habit. Take control of your life with one simple habit.
Speaker 1: As Mals talked about this podcast, there are way more
Speaker 1: than one habit inside this book. It's not just one habit.
Speaker 1: There are so many beautiful gems. And I always believe
Speaker 1: when you deeply study a habit, it becomes easier to
Speaker 1: implement it. You can hear about something, or read about
Speaker 1: an article, or hear that little nugget of wisdom, But
Speaker 1: if you study a habit, the implementation is that much deeper. Mel,
Speaker 1: you have a High five challenge. Yes, yes, Jay's going
Speaker 1: to do it. So it's a five day challenge to
Speaker 1: help you break through and wipe away the dust on
Speaker 1: or the mud in my case, with the elbow grease
Speaker 1: on the mirror. And it's five days of literally teaching
Speaker 1: and tools. And here's the best part, a massive global
Speaker 1: community that's going to be high fiving you back. It's free.
Speaker 1: Come play with us, come be with us. Let us
Speaker 1: give you the lift that you need right now, because
Speaker 1: you not only need it, you deserve it. That's amazing.
Speaker 1: Thank you everyone who's been listening watching. I want to
Speaker 1: make sure that you tag me and Mel on Instagram
Speaker 1: with all the reflections, all the insights, anything that Mel
Speaker 1: said that resonated with you. Please tag Mel and I
Speaker 1: on Instagram, on Twitter, on Facebook, whatever platform you're on.
Speaker 1: We love seeing what resonated. Do you what connected with you?
Speaker 1: And don't forget you can help someone else with this
Speaker 1: by just passing it on, Just simply sharing it is
Speaker 1: you taking part in impacting the world and improving the
Speaker 1: world around you. Share it your mother, your father or sister,
Speaker 1: a friend, a partner, or your children. It could be
Speaker 1: an amazing habit to them for them to train, just
Speaker 1: starting right now. Imagine they had this since they were
Speaker 1: five or six, or seven or ten. It could be
Speaker 1: amazing to see where it goes for them. So please
Speaker 1: do not deprive anyone of the growth that's possible for
Speaker 1: them by resisting pressing share or passing this along to
Speaker 1: a friend. Well, thank you so much again for making
Speaker 1: the effort to be with us physically, for writing this
Speaker 1: beautiful book, showing up in the way that you do,
Speaker 1: and sharing your energy. And I'm so grateful that we
Speaker 1: got I'm doing it now. I'm so grateful that we
Speaker 1: got to spend this time together. And I am so
Speaker 1: excited for this to get out into the world. I
Speaker 1: can't believe the impact it's already had and the impact
Speaker 1: that it's going to have. So, as Brendan would say,
Speaker 1: I send something amazing it's about to happen. Thank you,
Speaker 1: and thank you for being one of those people ahead
Speaker 1: of me that I used to be jealous but I
Speaker 1: now see is a light on the path. I love you.
Speaker 1: I love you. It is such a joy to watch
Speaker 1: you live your purpose and light the way for so
Speaker 1: many of us. I am honored to be your friend
Speaker 1: and to walk beside you and celebrate you every step
Speaker 1: of the way. I love it. I love it, and
Speaker 1: it's actually totally the opposite way around I made. I
Speaker 1: made a really important decision about a company that I
Speaker 1: worked with based on you. Oh there was a great
Speaker 1: one and so and so we could talk, but there was.
Speaker 1: The admiration was very mutual. I was I loved what
Speaker 1: was happening in your world, in your career, and I
Speaker 1: made decisions based on that. So awesome. I just want
Speaker 1: you to know that, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1: If you want even more videos just like this one,
Speaker 1: make sure you subscribe and click on the boxes over here.
Speaker 1: I'm also excited to let you know that you can
Speaker 1: now get my book, Think Like a Monk from Think
Speaker 1: Like a monkbook dot Com. Check below in the description
Speaker 1: to make sure you ordered today.