1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:02,400 Speaker 1: You don't even know the number of amazing things you 2 00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:05,680 Speaker 1: do every day. Instead, you focus and ruminate on the 3 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:08,119 Speaker 1: one thing you didn't get to and then you use 4 00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:11,119 Speaker 1: that as evidence again dust on the mirror to see 5 00:00:11,119 --> 00:00:13,640 Speaker 1: a human being that's not measuring up and never will 6 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:16,279 Speaker 1: and all that stuff. They're stupid. Fourth grade teacher said, 7 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:19,119 Speaker 1: you must be true dust on the mirror. No, you 8 00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:29,360 Speaker 1: need to interrupt this here we Hey everyone, welcome back 9 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:32,680 Speaker 1: to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. 10 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,239 Speaker 1: Thanks to each and every single one of you that 11 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:37,920 Speaker 1: come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. And 12 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:40,320 Speaker 1: I am so excited to be talking to you today. 13 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,519 Speaker 1: I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of 14 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:47,279 Speaker 1: Love is out and I cannot wait to share it 15 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,080 Speaker 1: with you. I am so so excited for you to 16 00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:52,280 Speaker 1: read this book, for you to listen to this book. 17 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:55,040 Speaker 1: I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already, 18 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:58,640 Speaker 1: make sure you go to eight Rules of Love dot com. 19 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:02,280 Speaker 1: It's dedicated to any one who's trying to find, keep, 20 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:04,880 Speaker 1: or let go of love. So if you've got friends 21 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:08,240 Speaker 1: that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make 22 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:10,840 Speaker 1: sure you grab this book. And I'd love to invite 23 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,440 Speaker 1: you to come and see me for my global tour 24 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:17,480 Speaker 1: Love Rules. Go to Jay shedytour dot com to learn 25 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:22,400 Speaker 1: more information about tickets, VIP experiences and more. I can't 26 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,120 Speaker 1: wait to see you this year. Now. Today's guest is 27 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:29,520 Speaker 1: a longtime friend, someone that I deeply admire. I can't 28 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:32,640 Speaker 1: wait to have this conversation with her. Her books, her 29 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:36,600 Speaker 1: audiobooks have been revolutionary, They've been absolutely phenomenal. And finally, 30 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,280 Speaker 1: this is I can't believe this is the first time 31 00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:41,920 Speaker 1: we actually have a On Purpose. I'm speaking about the 32 00:01:41,959 --> 00:01:45,080 Speaker 1: one and only Mel Robins. For those of you that 33 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,600 Speaker 1: don't know, she's one of the leading voices in personal 34 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:52,400 Speaker 1: development and transformation and an international best selling author. Her 35 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 1: work includes The Global Phenomenon, The Five Second Rule, and 36 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,800 Speaker 1: the upcoming book that we're talking about today, The High 37 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,160 Speaker 1: Five Habit, and you can join the High Five Habit 38 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:05,280 Speaker 1: Challenge through the link in our description. Plus, she has 39 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,400 Speaker 1: four number one best selling audiobooks, the number one podcast 40 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:11,880 Speaker 1: on Audible, as well as signature online courses that have 41 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:16,560 Speaker 1: changed the lives of more than half a million students worldwide. 42 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:21,880 Speaker 1: Please welcome to On Purpose, Mel Robin's mouth. I love you, 43 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:24,519 Speaker 1: I gotta like Oh, yes, there we go, let's do both. 44 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:27,160 Speaker 1: I don't know if I do that. I think I 45 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,920 Speaker 1: just called the muscle on my Rarebut okay, I can't 46 00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:33,040 Speaker 1: believe this is your first time here. Well, first of all, 47 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:38,359 Speaker 1: thank you because you've invited me, and um, I just 48 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:42,760 Speaker 1: knew I wanted to wait until I had something truly 49 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:46,840 Speaker 1: extraordinary to talk to you about that I do. That 50 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:50,080 Speaker 1: just shows how modest you are, because you always have 51 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:53,080 Speaker 1: something extraordinary to talk about that. I too, am happy 52 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:55,760 Speaker 1: today we're talking about this incredible new book, The High 53 00:02:55,919 --> 00:02:59,560 Speaker 1: Five Habit, Take control of your life with one simple habit, 54 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,400 Speaker 1: the book that I want everyone who's listening right now 55 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,400 Speaker 1: to go out and order. I know we haven't even 56 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:07,400 Speaker 1: started the conversation yet, but I'm so confident in what 57 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:10,200 Speaker 1: I've read from the book, my conversation with Mel, not 58 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,920 Speaker 1: just online but offline. And Mel, I know you have 59 00:03:13,919 --> 00:03:17,720 Speaker 1: an interesting story about how this relates to me somehow, 60 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:19,720 Speaker 1: which you mentioned to me. I do, and I've been 61 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,920 Speaker 1: holding back since you walked in the room. I was like, 62 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,160 Speaker 1: save it for the podcast, save it for the podcast. 63 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:27,520 Speaker 1: Can you reveal my connection with the High five Habit? 64 00:03:27,639 --> 00:03:32,080 Speaker 1: I sure can. Okay, So when I was coming on 65 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:37,000 Speaker 1: it dawned on me what an incredibly deep and profound 66 00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:40,680 Speaker 1: connection that you and I share around what we're about 67 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:44,200 Speaker 1: to talk about now, Like everybody on the planet, I 68 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:48,640 Speaker 1: devoured your book. I literally dog eared it. I highlighted it. 69 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:53,640 Speaker 1: And on page seven there is a story that you 70 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:59,200 Speaker 1: tell that is a beautiful metaphor that illustrates the external 71 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:03,400 Speaker 1: influences that obscure our true selves. You know what story 72 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,120 Speaker 1: I'm talking about? I do I believe it's that? Is 73 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,760 Speaker 1: it dust or is it me? Yes? Is that about 74 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:12,920 Speaker 1: the mirror? And yes, yes, And so the story is 75 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:16,560 Speaker 1: all about this metaphor of up in this attic of 76 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:19,880 Speaker 1: the Ashram, there's a mirror with a thick layer of dust. 77 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,120 Speaker 1: And when you look at a mirror that's accumulated a 78 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:28,839 Speaker 1: thick layer of dust, you can't truly see yourself, your soul, 79 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:33,760 Speaker 1: your spirit, and the dust comes from your life, it's 80 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:37,840 Speaker 1: not you. I'm going to get like super emotional already 81 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:41,120 Speaker 1: because the high five habit is how you wipe the 82 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,600 Speaker 1: dust away. I know. And when I was reading that, 83 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:47,919 Speaker 1: For anyone who's not watching right now, mel is on 84 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:52,920 Speaker 1: the verge of tears. But if you're listening when I 85 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,240 Speaker 1: opened up the high five habit, and you tell that 86 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:59,400 Speaker 1: story for you. Yeah, of you're looking in the mirror 87 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:01,480 Speaker 1: as we all do in the morning when we wake 88 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:05,920 Speaker 1: up to brush our teeth, and you're criticizing yourself. You're 89 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:09,880 Speaker 1: poking holes in your appearance, in how you wish you 90 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,359 Speaker 1: worked out more, how you've got such a long to 91 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,479 Speaker 1: do list today, how you have no energy, how you'd 92 00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:17,440 Speaker 1: rather curl up and watch TV and do nothing for 93 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,720 Speaker 1: the rest of the day. And that is an experience 94 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:23,640 Speaker 1: that we all have had more than we even think 95 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,440 Speaker 1: like we've had that daily. A lot of us have 96 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:28,520 Speaker 1: had that for months and even years. And so it's 97 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:32,080 Speaker 1: amazing how that story also starts looking in the mirror. Yes, 98 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:36,360 Speaker 1: tell us about what has changed about how you look 99 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,360 Speaker 1: in the mirror today with the high five habit. So 100 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:43,400 Speaker 1: I have been practicing this habit for a little over 101 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:47,440 Speaker 1: a year, and it all began in April of twenty twenty. 102 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,479 Speaker 1: And this is not something that I was like, Okay, 103 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 1: I got to write a book. It's got to have 104 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,760 Speaker 1: a five in it. It's going to be five years 105 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:55,320 Speaker 1: since I've written a book. Thank you, dyslexia and ADHD. 106 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,039 Speaker 1: What am I going to write about what am I? 107 00:05:57,080 --> 00:06:01,480 Speaker 1: That's not how this happened. The high five saved me. 108 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,279 Speaker 1: It was a ladder that helped me climb out of 109 00:06:04,279 --> 00:06:09,400 Speaker 1: a hole I had fallen into emotionally, physically, spiritually. And 110 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:14,320 Speaker 1: a year later, after practicing what is going to sound 111 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:20,640 Speaker 1: like a weird, stupid thing which you will resist and Jay, 112 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,359 Speaker 1: you and I are going to unpack this because it's sad. 113 00:06:23,839 --> 00:06:26,560 Speaker 1: Why everybody resists it. It has to do with the 114 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:31,200 Speaker 1: dust that's accumulated. And I will tell you, after a 115 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 1: year of practicing this, I don't even see a face 116 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:41,080 Speaker 1: or a body. I see a soul. I don't even 117 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,560 Speaker 1: have to high five myself. I still do because it 118 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,760 Speaker 1: feels good. And we're going to explain the science that 119 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:50,240 Speaker 1: is bananas about why this actually works for everybody who 120 00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:55,040 Speaker 1: tries it. Because this is not something that's new. You 121 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,320 Speaker 1: are tapping into programming that's already in your mind and 122 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:02,320 Speaker 1: body and now directing it back at yourself. It's incredible. 123 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:09,560 Speaker 1: I don't ever criticize myself. I don't ever see what's wrong. 124 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:13,520 Speaker 1: I see a human being who's trying, who deserves love 125 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:16,360 Speaker 1: and respect, and I know that it's my job to 126 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:19,200 Speaker 1: give it to her. You know, the five second rule, 127 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,960 Speaker 1: which I created, I don't know over a decade ago, 128 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:24,480 Speaker 1: that's gone on to help me change my whole life. 129 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,920 Speaker 1: It's a little starting ritual and a brain hack that 130 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,440 Speaker 1: you can use to help yourself take the actions and 131 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,680 Speaker 1: change the thoughts that change your life. It helped me 132 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,800 Speaker 1: be more productive, It helped me get stuff done. The 133 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 1: high five habit has changed who I am. It has 134 00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:44,280 Speaker 1: deleted a lifetime of criticism and negativity from my mind, 135 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:49,080 Speaker 1: and it has reprogrammed the soundtrack to be somebody that's 136 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:54,200 Speaker 1: supportive and a cheerleader. It's extraordinary. That's so beautiful to 137 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:59,120 Speaker 1: hear because I think so often we like to oscillate 138 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:02,880 Speaker 1: from one extreme to another. So people start by criticizing 139 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:07,880 Speaker 1: themselves and then sometimes we've heard in the toxic positivity 140 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 1: movement of we'll just tell yourself you're amazing and tell 141 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:15,239 Speaker 1: yourself you're incredible, And to me, that doesn't always work either, 142 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:18,520 Speaker 1: because it doesn't struggle to say it with feeling and 143 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,280 Speaker 1: meaning and belief. But what I love about what you're 144 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:25,040 Speaker 1: sharing with the high five habit is that it's actually 145 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,400 Speaker 1: looking at no You're trying let me be supportive, Let 146 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:31,760 Speaker 1: me be encouraging. Let me use my words to notice 147 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:34,880 Speaker 1: that which I want to grow and work on. But 148 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:40,839 Speaker 1: I'm not creating an artificial illusion of either criticism or perfection, 149 00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:44,760 Speaker 1: both of which are unreal. Well, and here's the extraordinary thing. 150 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:49,560 Speaker 1: You don't have to say a word. You don't have 151 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:51,880 Speaker 1: to say a word. Like. One of the reasons why 152 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:54,400 Speaker 1: mantras don't work for so many people is you choose 153 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:57,280 Speaker 1: something you don't believe, and so as you stand before 154 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,440 Speaker 1: a mirror or you say it to yourself after a 155 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,520 Speaker 1: lifetime of beating yourself up, your brain's like, Yep, no, 156 00:09:02,679 --> 00:09:05,120 Speaker 1: we don't believe that. Because you've told me the other 157 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,080 Speaker 1: opposite story for so long, I'm not going to buy 158 00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,800 Speaker 1: it now. You know, I gotta tell you, like how 159 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,040 Speaker 1: this all went down, because it's in the kind of 160 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:17,520 Speaker 1: unfolding of the story that there's layer after layer after layer. 161 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:23,600 Speaker 1: So you know, the backdrop of this is that it 162 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:25,319 Speaker 1: was you know, I think we all have that moment 163 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:28,640 Speaker 1: when we knew that COVID was going to change your 164 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:32,160 Speaker 1: life forever. When was that moment for you? I was 165 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,200 Speaker 1: one of the optimistic ones when it first happened. I 166 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,480 Speaker 1: was like, ah, the world's going to deal with this 167 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,400 Speaker 1: in like a month or maybe three months, And so 168 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,600 Speaker 1: I think it was about three months in where I 169 00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:42,400 Speaker 1: was like, Okay, I have no idea how this is going, 170 00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:44,720 Speaker 1: and this is not what I expected. So I'd say 171 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:49,200 Speaker 1: about three months in, I'd say probably about that June time, 172 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,920 Speaker 1: June twenty twenty got it. Yeah, Well, for me, it 173 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:55,920 Speaker 1: happened on a Wednesday in March of twenty twenty, yeah, early, 174 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,600 Speaker 1: because I was taping my daytime talk show at CBS 175 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,560 Speaker 1: Broadcast Center and they walked in and said they had 176 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,160 Speaker 1: found it in the building, and within five minutes we 177 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,600 Speaker 1: had to evacuate. Show canceled. I'm fired from my dream job. 178 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:10,599 Speaker 1: I'm driving home to Boston, Massachusetts, which is where my 179 00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:12,560 Speaker 1: husband and I have raised our kids. I see New 180 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:15,960 Speaker 1: York City disappearing in the skyline phone rings. It's our 181 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:19,719 Speaker 1: daughter who's studying abroad for college, and they're shutting down 182 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:22,200 Speaker 1: the borders. Then the other daughter, they're closing down the 183 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:26,160 Speaker 1: university here in California. We all get home and speech 184 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,640 Speaker 1: after speech after speech gets canceled. And then a publisher 185 00:10:29,679 --> 00:10:32,679 Speaker 1: i'd been working with on a totally different book concept 186 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:36,199 Speaker 1: cancels that contract, and now I've got to give money 187 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:39,760 Speaker 1: back that I've already spent. There's no PPP loans yet 188 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,880 Speaker 1: I have no idea how I'm going to make payroll. 189 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,720 Speaker 1: My kids are in a complete state of crisis and 190 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:49,720 Speaker 1: break down because their lives are now just imploding before 191 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,520 Speaker 1: their eyes. I'm worried about the world. I'm worried about 192 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:57,120 Speaker 1: frontline workers, and I feel the weight of the world 193 00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:00,840 Speaker 1: on my shoulders. And I wake up one morning in 194 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:04,040 Speaker 1: April and it's a very familiar feeling. This is not 195 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,360 Speaker 1: a book about the pandemic. This is a book about 196 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:11,560 Speaker 1: how you pick yourself up when you feel like you 197 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:15,680 Speaker 1: just don't know how to face your life. So I 198 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:19,280 Speaker 1: woke up that morning and I felt defeated. I felt overwhelmed. 199 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:22,120 Speaker 1: I felt exhausted. I used the five second rule five 200 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,280 Speaker 1: four three two one to get out of bed. I 201 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,240 Speaker 1: make the bed so I don't crawl back into it, 202 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,480 Speaker 1: and I go to the bathroom and I'm standing there 203 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,559 Speaker 1: in the bathroom and I'm brushing my teeth. And as 204 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:34,360 Speaker 1: I'm brushing my teeth, I catch a glimpse of myself 205 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:39,720 Speaker 1: in the mirror, and I think, oh my god, you 206 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:45,199 Speaker 1: look like hell. And then my mind started to criticize 207 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:48,199 Speaker 1: the woman in the mirror, the dark circles under her eyes, 208 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:51,040 Speaker 1: the saggy neck, one breast is hanging lower than the other. 209 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,840 Speaker 1: Just the beatdown begins. And then, of course, once you 210 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,160 Speaker 1: go there you teach this, your mind is just going 211 00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 1: to keep on taking you down. And so it became 212 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,480 Speaker 1: why did you get up so late and you got 213 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,240 Speaker 1: a zoom call in eight minutes and you haven't even 214 00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:05,280 Speaker 1: walked the dog? And you know what's interesting about this moment, Jay, 215 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:08,920 Speaker 1: if you had walked in the bathroom in that moment, 216 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:11,559 Speaker 1: I would have been able to turn on a dime. 217 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:15,760 Speaker 1: I would have said, Jay, I know it's a lot. 218 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:19,679 Speaker 1: You don't deserve this, but if anybody can handle this, 219 00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,560 Speaker 1: you can. I know you can't. I would have lifted 220 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,240 Speaker 1: you up like just it would have been if for effortless. 221 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:30,319 Speaker 1: But standing there alone in my underwear in my own bathroom, 222 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:34,040 Speaker 1: I couldn't think of anything to say. And in fact, 223 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,960 Speaker 1: here's the thing. I don't think I would have believed 224 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,640 Speaker 1: it because of what you just said. It didn't match 225 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,439 Speaker 1: how I was feeling. Now. I don't know what came 226 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:46,960 Speaker 1: over me because it sounds ridiculous. I've never done this before, 227 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:53,000 Speaker 1: but I suddenly found myself raising my hand and high 228 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,960 Speaker 1: fiving that woman I saw in the mirror because she 229 00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:01,640 Speaker 1: needed it. And here's the thing. It's not like lightning struck, right, 230 00:13:01,679 --> 00:13:04,120 Speaker 1: you know, it's not like the heavens parted, nangels are 231 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:09,160 Speaker 1: like life. That's not what happened. The dogs still needed 232 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,280 Speaker 1: to be walked. I still had endless things. I was 233 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:14,920 Speaker 1: still worried, but something in me shifted. It was weird, 234 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:18,160 Speaker 1: and it was kind of this thing because I thought 235 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,800 Speaker 1: a lot about this moment. It's like my shoulders dropped 236 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,560 Speaker 1: and my chin lifted, and I didn't even like say 237 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,400 Speaker 1: anything positive. It's like there was this energy flip, and 238 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:30,160 Speaker 1: the energy felt a little bit more, not very ja shetty, 239 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:33,160 Speaker 1: more kind of mel robbins. Oh, come on, get out there, 240 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,559 Speaker 1: stop complaining, get yourself, come on, you can do this. 241 00:13:36,679 --> 00:13:38,280 Speaker 1: Like it was sort of that sort of all right, 242 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:42,000 Speaker 1: here we go. But it was the second morning. The 243 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:50,000 Speaker 1: second morning is when everything changed. I wake up, same problems, 244 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:55,760 Speaker 1: same overwhelm, exhausted, defeated, tired, five four three two one. 245 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,440 Speaker 1: I get out of bed, I make the bed. I 246 00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:02,679 Speaker 1: start walking to the bathroom, and JA, I noticed that 247 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:07,320 Speaker 1: I was feeling something I had never felt in my 248 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:13,040 Speaker 1: entire life, and it was this. You know, when you're 249 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:15,360 Speaker 1: about to meet a friend, somebody really like at a 250 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:18,560 Speaker 1: Cafe'm going to go have a cup of tea. What 251 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:25,400 Speaker 1: do you feel right before you walk in the door. Excitement, enthusiasm, energy, joy, 252 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:31,600 Speaker 1: positive nervousness like that that kind of like butterflies, even 253 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,520 Speaker 1: in the in a positive sense. Yeah. So at this moment, 254 00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:37,720 Speaker 1: I was fifty one years old. In fifty one years 255 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:42,200 Speaker 1: of being alive, I don't ever remember feeling that feeling 256 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:45,880 Speaker 1: about seeing myself. Wow, for the first time in my life, 257 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:50,800 Speaker 1: I had this sensation that I was excited to see 258 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:55,320 Speaker 1: the human being. Mel Robbins. Now I've been excited to 259 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:59,400 Speaker 1: see an outfit or excited to see a haircut, I 260 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:04,480 Speaker 1: have never been excited to see the person. And so 261 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:08,640 Speaker 1: I round the corner and this sense of how profound 262 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:12,560 Speaker 1: this is is hitting me and I'm standing there brushing 263 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:17,560 Speaker 1: my teeth and I realize something really wild. There are 264 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:21,480 Speaker 1: always two of you in the bathroom together. There's you, 265 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:26,000 Speaker 1: and there is a human being in the mirror, a 266 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:29,840 Speaker 1: person who needs you, a person who has been waiting 267 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:33,120 Speaker 1: for you to wake up and realize they are there 268 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:36,600 Speaker 1: and they need you to see them and to hear them, 269 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:40,880 Speaker 1: and to love them and to support them. And so 270 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:44,160 Speaker 1: what's interesting, because you brought up morning routines, right, is 271 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,440 Speaker 1: that we all talk about the importance of setting our 272 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,440 Speaker 1: day up because it's how it ends up. We talk 273 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:51,960 Speaker 1: about gratitude and meditation, and we know the extraordinary benefits 274 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:55,800 Speaker 1: of it. But I don't think anybody has truly amplified 275 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:58,800 Speaker 1: the fact that there is this dirty habit that we 276 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:02,040 Speaker 1: all have every single morning that is a part of 277 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:05,960 Speaker 1: your morning routine unless you have weeded this out, and 278 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:11,800 Speaker 1: it is a habit of either ignoring yourself or beating 279 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,840 Speaker 1: the heck out of yourself every single morning. In the mirror. 280 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,960 Speaker 1: I mean, nine percent of women don't like how they look. 281 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,880 Speaker 1: Fifty percent of us can't even look at ourselves in 282 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,680 Speaker 1: the mirror. That's what I was about to say, that 283 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:26,360 Speaker 1: eye contact. I think there's such a struggle what you 284 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,600 Speaker 1: just rightly said. It's not just that we beat ourselves up, 285 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:32,680 Speaker 1: will criticize we can't even look at ourselves. How does 286 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,280 Speaker 1: how does the high five habit help us get that? Oh, 287 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:38,280 Speaker 1: it's incredible. Yeah, it's absolutely. Let's let's talk about the 288 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:39,960 Speaker 1: habits and then we can break it down. Yeah. Yeah, 289 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,720 Speaker 1: that's because I know part of it is practicing in 290 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:45,360 Speaker 1: the bathroom. Yes, yes, let's break it down. Okay. So 291 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,280 Speaker 1: here's where you're gonna feel when you do it. It's 292 00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,400 Speaker 1: very simple. You're gonna look at yourself in the mirror 293 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,280 Speaker 1: and you're going to leverage some research out of Harvard 294 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:53,720 Speaker 1: Move talk about that too, Yeah, dive into that. So 295 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:55,600 Speaker 1: you're basically just going to look at yourself in the 296 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:58,200 Speaker 1: mirror and you're gonna ask yourself, what is that human 297 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,440 Speaker 1: being need for me today? How can I show up 298 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,080 Speaker 1: for him or her day? How do I do that today? Kindness? 299 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:04,800 Speaker 1: Do I need to be more courageous or bold? You 300 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:09,240 Speaker 1: kind of set this intention for yourself and then you're 301 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,360 Speaker 1: simply going to raise your hand and you're gonna high 302 00:17:11,359 --> 00:17:13,840 Speaker 1: five yourself. Now, a couple of things I want you 303 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:17,879 Speaker 1: to expect. Number One, it will feel weird. Period. It 304 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:21,719 Speaker 1: feels weird for everybody because it is the opposite of 305 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,040 Speaker 1: what you're doing right now, and so your brain is 306 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:28,159 Speaker 1: going to reject it as odd. Number Two, you're either 307 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:32,880 Speaker 1: going to have one of two reactions. That's it. There's 308 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,320 Speaker 1: no middle ground. You will either have a very profound 309 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:40,359 Speaker 1: positive experience where you're going to laugh, probably because it 310 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:43,359 Speaker 1: kind of feels good and it's kind of silly, or 311 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,960 Speaker 1: you're going to burst into tears in a positive way 312 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:50,399 Speaker 1: because it's a release that you have finally woken up 313 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:53,720 Speaker 1: and started supporting yourself. You just got it, and that's 314 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:57,399 Speaker 1: where the tears come from. But more likely, although maybe 315 00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:00,200 Speaker 1: not for you because you're a fan of this podcast, 316 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:05,320 Speaker 1: but more likely you will feel resistance. And the resistance 317 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:09,680 Speaker 1: is the dust on the mirror. Every single morning, Jay, 318 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:14,600 Speaker 1: we bring with us our entire past. Whatever has been 319 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,680 Speaker 1: done to you, whether it's trauma or discrimination, or abuse 320 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,199 Speaker 1: or neglect or abandonment, it is standing between you and 321 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,919 Speaker 1: the mirror. It's the dust. And you see that dust 322 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,240 Speaker 1: and you say that means that I am not worthy, 323 00:18:28,359 --> 00:18:30,760 Speaker 1: I am not lovable. So you see a human being 324 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:34,320 Speaker 1: that's distorted, and you say to yourself, because of what's happened, 325 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:38,440 Speaker 1: I don't deserve a high five. Or if you're a 326 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:40,880 Speaker 1: human being, you've done a ton of stuff that you regret, 327 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,520 Speaker 1: and so all the things that wish you could change, 328 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,679 Speaker 1: that you would forgive j or you'd forgive Mel Robbins 329 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:48,639 Speaker 1: for it. You cannot forgive yourself. It's more dust. And 330 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:50,919 Speaker 1: so you stand there and you say, because of all 331 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:53,560 Speaker 1: that stuff that I did, I'm unworthy or I'm unlovable, 332 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,280 Speaker 1: or I'm this or I'm that, and that dust keeps 333 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:59,960 Speaker 1: you from seeing a human being who deserves support and celebrate. 334 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,800 Speaker 1: Or another form of the dust, which is the resistance, 335 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:08,040 Speaker 1: is that you actually believe that you do not deserve 336 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:12,280 Speaker 1: to be celebrated or supported unless you have the bank 337 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,760 Speaker 1: account or the number on the scale, or you drive 338 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,600 Speaker 1: in the car or live in the neighborhood, or your 339 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,639 Speaker 1: hair is less kinky, or you're this or you're that, 340 00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:22,399 Speaker 1: and so you withhold the very support and celebration that 341 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,760 Speaker 1: you need in order to change your life from you 342 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:29,600 Speaker 1: because you haven't done it yet. That's where the resistance 343 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:32,600 Speaker 1: comes from. And so I'm here to say you got 344 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,240 Speaker 1: to try this for five days because it's going to 345 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,439 Speaker 1: feel weird. You're going to resist it. And what's going 346 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,640 Speaker 1: to happen is you'll notice as you raise your hand, 347 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:40,840 Speaker 1: and this is where the science gets amazing. As you 348 00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,920 Speaker 1: raise your hand J you will go from thinking this 349 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:48,080 Speaker 1: is weird or thinking this is stupid to silence, and 350 00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:51,399 Speaker 1: this is explained by science. There is a field of 351 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,760 Speaker 1: study called n Aerobicsnuerobics is a word that I did 352 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:58,840 Speaker 1: not invent. It is aerobic or physical movement with new 353 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,359 Speaker 1: neural pathway development. And research has shown that when you 354 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:05,200 Speaker 1: use an aerobics it is the fastest way to form 355 00:20:05,359 --> 00:20:08,159 Speaker 1: new neural pathways. So the way that you do it 356 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:12,040 Speaker 1: is you take an unexpected physical movement like high fiving yourself, 357 00:20:12,119 --> 00:20:15,119 Speaker 1: something you've never done, and you marry it with a thought. 358 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:19,400 Speaker 1: Now here's where things get crazy cool. You've been high 359 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,280 Speaker 1: fiving people your whole life. You've been receiving high fives 360 00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:25,040 Speaker 1: your whole life. So Jay, when you high five somebody, 361 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:30,119 Speaker 1: what are you communicating through the gesture? A feeling of connectedness, 362 00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:34,080 Speaker 1: a feeling of support, a feeling of I'm congratulating you 363 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:37,199 Speaker 1: or celebrating you, a feeling of you've got this like 364 00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:40,000 Speaker 1: that kind of feeling. Yeah, completely, all of it is 365 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,000 Speaker 1: programmed in your subconscious brain. When you go to raise 366 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,240 Speaker 1: your hand to high five somebody. I can never high 367 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:49,240 Speaker 1: five J and go You're a jerk. Jay. I don't 368 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:52,520 Speaker 1: like you, Jay, I hope your Tea, which I'm a 369 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:56,480 Speaker 1: founding club member of. It really fails. You can't do it, yeah, 370 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:59,840 Speaker 1: because the programming is already in your brain. Yes, you 371 00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:02,760 Speaker 1: cannot look at yourself in the mirror and think terrible 372 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,600 Speaker 1: things while you're high fiving yourself because your brain won't 373 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:09,920 Speaker 1: allow it. It is programmed to think something different. And 374 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,119 Speaker 1: as you repeat this every day, just five days, Dear God, 375 00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:17,960 Speaker 1: give me five days of doing this, you will override 376 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:25,000 Speaker 1: the critic and you will reprogram your mind to associate belief, love, encouragement, support, 377 00:21:25,359 --> 00:21:29,480 Speaker 1: resilience with your own reflection. This is why I don't 378 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,720 Speaker 1: even see myself in terms of a body anymore. I 379 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:35,199 Speaker 1: see a human being that I love, that I support, 380 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,480 Speaker 1: just like I would a friend or a child that 381 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:41,720 Speaker 1: I love unconditionally. It's mind blowing. But that's not all. 382 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:44,760 Speaker 1: So I talked to our peal doctor, Daniel Aman, and 383 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:47,639 Speaker 1: this isn't even in the book. This is just something 384 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:51,240 Speaker 1: I learned two weeks ago. He went bananas when I 385 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:54,320 Speaker 1: talked about this thing. So, Jay, when you high five 386 00:21:54,400 --> 00:22:00,280 Speaker 1: somebody else, your brain drifts dopamine. The reason why when 387 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,880 Speaker 1: you do this, even on a low morning, you get 388 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:05,520 Speaker 1: a boost in your mood and a little bit of clarity. Wow, 389 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:09,240 Speaker 1: is you get a dripodopamine by high fiving yourself again? 390 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:13,760 Speaker 1: Because the programming is already in your brain, you're just 391 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:17,320 Speaker 1: now turning it from everybody else and giving it to yourself. 392 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:21,320 Speaker 1: And there's a second thing that's super cool. So doctor 393 00:22:21,359 --> 00:22:24,000 Speaker 1: Aman was explaining. He said, you know, and you know, mel, 394 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:26,800 Speaker 1: when you leave the bathroom you feel kind of peppy, right, 395 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:28,679 Speaker 1: And I'm like, yeah, it's kind of weird. He said, Well, 396 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,040 Speaker 1: let me tell you what that is. He said, your 397 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:36,119 Speaker 1: nervous system is encoded with celebratory energy. When you wave hello, 398 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,280 Speaker 1: you're raising your arms when you cross a finish line. 399 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,520 Speaker 1: You raise your arms when you hug somebody, raise your 400 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:42,800 Speaker 1: arms when you high five somebody. You raise your arms. 401 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:46,440 Speaker 1: When you do this every morning, especially when you're going 402 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:51,240 Speaker 1: through a challenging moment, your nervous system recognizes the celebratory 403 00:22:51,359 --> 00:22:55,560 Speaker 1: gesture and gives you a jolt of energy. Is that 404 00:22:55,600 --> 00:23:00,200 Speaker 1: not incredible? It's incredible and it makes so much sense. Yes, 405 00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:04,720 Speaker 1: and I love you know. You have this incredible ability 406 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:12,440 Speaker 1: to make personal development feel like a light switch. You 407 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:15,520 Speaker 1: would never think it's that simple, but we all every 408 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:18,000 Speaker 1: day flip on a light switch, we expect the light 409 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:19,760 Speaker 1: to come on, we flip it off and it goes off. 410 00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:23,240 Speaker 1: And with the high five habit and the five second rule, 411 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:27,800 Speaker 1: I feel they're both light switches. They're this really tiny action, 412 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:34,720 Speaker 1: really tiny action, but there's really big result that just 413 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,560 Speaker 1: instantly happens. Right, what you're just saying now, what you 414 00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,880 Speaker 1: just said about everything doctor Layman told you, those are 415 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:45,119 Speaker 1: massive responses to a really simple action. I mean just 416 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:48,199 Speaker 1: raising your hand to just high fiving. And so I 417 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:50,720 Speaker 1: feel like you do that beautifully. You really have this 418 00:23:51,359 --> 00:23:55,520 Speaker 1: art in simplifying things into seconds worth of advice. And 419 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,520 Speaker 1: what I love about that is that's why our brain 420 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:02,440 Speaker 1: has less excuses. Because if it's like, if you're like Jay, 421 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:04,680 Speaker 1: I really need you to take out like twenty minutes 422 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:06,720 Speaker 1: of your day do this new thing, everyone goes, what 423 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:08,560 Speaker 1: am I going to find twenty minutes? You literally took 424 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,280 Speaker 1: about again five seconds, Yes. How long does it take 425 00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:13,920 Speaker 1: to high five yourself? Even less? Probably? Yeah? And you 426 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:15,720 Speaker 1: don't have to say anything, you don't have to feel anything, 427 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:18,000 Speaker 1: You just have to do it. And what's already programmed 428 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,119 Speaker 1: in your body, it does You're right, It's such a 429 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:23,320 Speaker 1: beautiful light switch. It flips it on for you, and 430 00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,840 Speaker 1: I want you to do it right after you brush 431 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,840 Speaker 1: your teeth, because you got to get that crap out 432 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:29,640 Speaker 1: of your mouth so you don't spread the dragon breath 433 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:31,760 Speaker 1: on everybody. Let's get the crap and the dust off 434 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,679 Speaker 1: the mirror. Yeah, so you're not spreading that negativity throughout 435 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:38,119 Speaker 1: your day, and you're walking into your day feeling like 436 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:40,919 Speaker 1: you have your own back and feeling that life force 437 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:44,120 Speaker 1: that you were born with and being reminded that, yeah, 438 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,919 Speaker 1: life may be hard. Yeah I may have screwed things up, 439 00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:49,840 Speaker 1: but I know I'm still here trying, and I deserve 440 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,320 Speaker 1: to feel supported, and so I'm going to tap into 441 00:24:52,359 --> 00:24:54,919 Speaker 1: this to send myself out into the game. Yes, you 442 00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:56,560 Speaker 1: know one of the really cool studies. I'm sure you 443 00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:58,359 Speaker 1: love the study about the NBA team So I know 444 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,399 Speaker 1: you've talked about this yourself. This is both common sense 445 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:05,119 Speaker 1: and science. How does your favorite sports team begin the 446 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:08,440 Speaker 1: game by high fiving each other to send yourself out 447 00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:13,119 Speaker 1: into the game. But when researchers actually studied NBA teams, 448 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,960 Speaker 1: they could predict who's going to be the most successful 449 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,080 Speaker 1: teams at the end of the season and who's going 450 00:25:18,119 --> 00:25:20,160 Speaker 1: to be at the bottom of the league based on 451 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,560 Speaker 1: one characteristic at the beginning of the season in the preseason, 452 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:26,320 Speaker 1: and that is how many times does the team in 453 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:29,560 Speaker 1: the preseason do fist pumps, high fives, or pats on 454 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,480 Speaker 1: the back. And what they found is it's the teams 455 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:35,080 Speaker 1: that do that the most in the beginning have the 456 00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:39,080 Speaker 1: winningest record. And the reason the question is why, Well, 457 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,960 Speaker 1: the reason why is these gestures or more than gestures, 458 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:46,560 Speaker 1: they are symbols of trust and partnership. They build momentum. 459 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:49,160 Speaker 1: And so many of us are struggling in life with 460 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:53,160 Speaker 1: people pleasing and guilt and all of these emotions because 461 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:57,280 Speaker 1: we have broken that partnership with ourselves. And this is 462 00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:00,159 Speaker 1: a way every morning, after brushing your teeth, were going 463 00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:03,080 Speaker 1: to stack this habit. Put the toothbrush down, pick up 464 00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:06,159 Speaker 1: your hand, look yourself in the mirror, and say, how 465 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:07,920 Speaker 1: am I going to show up for that human being 466 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,520 Speaker 1: today and seal it with a high five. That's it. 467 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:12,560 Speaker 1: That's it, that's it. And what I love about this 468 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:14,040 Speaker 1: book for those of you are listening, you'll have to 469 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:16,439 Speaker 1: get the book to see this is you have these 470 00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:21,119 Speaker 1: beautiful pictures from your community and beyond of people actually 471 00:26:21,119 --> 00:26:24,120 Speaker 1: practicing it, and do you prefer that one or that one? 472 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:27,040 Speaker 1: That one? Yeah, let me know. If it's good, you 473 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,159 Speaker 1: can zoom in. So I just want to show a 474 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,159 Speaker 1: few pages home, tell me, yeah, you've got it amazing. 475 00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:32,920 Speaker 1: I want to show you a few pages just because 476 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:36,119 Speaker 1: I think it's beautiful to see so many people practicing this. 477 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:39,360 Speaker 1: There's a few more that I want to show side Yeah, 478 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:40,840 Speaker 1: I think, oh yeah, the ones at the back, but 479 00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:43,360 Speaker 1: there's also these. The one of you is really special 480 00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:44,880 Speaker 1: to me. That one. I have to show that one. 481 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:47,600 Speaker 1: I really liked that one because to me, that was 482 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:51,119 Speaker 1: too Yeah, that one, to me, was was brilliant. This 483 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:54,199 Speaker 1: is when Mel discovered. Had I known it was going 484 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,880 Speaker 1: to be in a photo weiner in my bed head? Yeah, 485 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:03,480 Speaker 1: that's the best. But it's beautiful because I love how 486 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:06,199 Speaker 1: practical it is. I love how everyone can give it 487 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,440 Speaker 1: a go. I really believe everyone who's listening right now 488 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,399 Speaker 1: we can all take five days to give this a go, 489 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:12,639 Speaker 1: even if you think it's silly, which I don't think 490 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:14,920 Speaker 1: you will, because you love this podcast and you love 491 00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:18,639 Speaker 1: Mel and you love everything that we're talking about. But 492 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:22,080 Speaker 1: it's like, this is the least investment we could make 493 00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:25,680 Speaker 1: in ourselves like it requires zero investment, it require it's free. 494 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:29,679 Speaker 1: It's free, it requires zero time commitment. You're already standing 495 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:31,720 Speaker 1: in front of the mirror brushing your teeth. Yeah, it's 496 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:33,800 Speaker 1: just an extra five seconds. On top of that, it's 497 00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:38,200 Speaker 1: absolutely nothing more. Tell me about what this does for 498 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:40,399 Speaker 1: the rest of the day. What is the knock on 499 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:43,320 Speaker 1: effect of doing something like this in the morning, Because 500 00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:47,200 Speaker 1: what my head's going to right now is, in this moment, 501 00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:51,320 Speaker 1: you are choosing to high five instead of beat yourself. 502 00:27:51,359 --> 00:27:53,119 Speaker 1: That's to me what you're teaching people to do. Yes, 503 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:56,320 Speaker 1: you're training people to choose, make a choice that is 504 00:27:56,359 --> 00:27:59,199 Speaker 1: going to transfer into every choice they have to make 505 00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:02,160 Speaker 1: throughout the day. So now when the bus says to them, Hey, 506 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:03,720 Speaker 1: you haven't done this, you haven't done that, you haven't 507 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,359 Speaker 1: done this, how's it going to invite to talk to 508 00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:09,920 Speaker 1: me about that? And what you This is absolutely awesome, 509 00:28:10,119 --> 00:28:12,480 Speaker 1: so kind of from a just sort of the way 510 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:14,440 Speaker 1: that people talk about it. This is both what I've 511 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:19,480 Speaker 1: experienced and what our audience is constantly writing to us about. 512 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:23,399 Speaker 1: And by the way, this is without even having a 513 00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:27,480 Speaker 1: book out yet. I know this is simply from having 514 00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:30,720 Speaker 1: people and convincing people around the world to try it. 515 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:32,800 Speaker 1: Everybody says it's weird, but I got to hand it 516 00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:37,399 Speaker 1: to you, mel This pivots my day and sends it 517 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:42,560 Speaker 1: in an entirely different trajectory. You know, you talk about 518 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,080 Speaker 1: it all the time. Your mood in the morning impacts 519 00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:48,920 Speaker 1: your confidence and your productivity all day. We know that 520 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:52,040 Speaker 1: research from Harvard tells us that when you get intentional 521 00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:53,960 Speaker 1: about how you're going to show up and not only 522 00:28:54,120 --> 00:28:57,480 Speaker 1: boost your productivity and your confidence and your focus, it 523 00:28:57,560 --> 00:29:01,040 Speaker 1: also changes your ability to make an impact with people. 524 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:04,360 Speaker 1: We also know all the research around what's called emotional 525 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:07,160 Speaker 1: contagion when they did I didn't even write about this 526 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:11,480 Speaker 1: in the book. But when you separate leaders into two groups, 527 00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:14,880 Speaker 1: and you show one group a leader very stressful videos 528 00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:18,000 Speaker 1: for twenty minutes that make you feel agitated or bombed out, 529 00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:21,040 Speaker 1: and you throw another group all these videos with puppies 530 00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:24,760 Speaker 1: and kittens and Jay Chetty content, that's amazing the leaders 531 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:29,160 Speaker 1: that go in to their teams within ten minutes, the 532 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:33,640 Speaker 1: teams feel exactly either the negative agitation or the positive agitation. 533 00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:38,480 Speaker 1: But it goes even deeper. So the High five habit 534 00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:42,000 Speaker 1: in the mirror j it's just the trojan horse. There 535 00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:44,560 Speaker 1: are dozens of tools in this and we go deep 536 00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:47,320 Speaker 1: into something you talk about all the time, the reticular 537 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:51,200 Speaker 1: activity system, which is the filter in your brain that 538 00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:54,160 Speaker 1: in real time. I think about it. This is not 539 00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:56,560 Speaker 1: an elegant way to describe it. I think about it 540 00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:59,360 Speaker 1: like an electronic hairnet that sits on your brain, and 541 00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:03,840 Speaker 1: in real time, this sucker is changing. We've all experienced 542 00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:06,720 Speaker 1: its effect when we've shopped for a house or a car. 543 00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:09,720 Speaker 1: The second you start shopping for your first car, what 544 00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:13,120 Speaker 1: happens You start seeing those cars that you're looking for 545 00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:17,480 Speaker 1: everywhere everywhere. That is what that's your ras. You have 546 00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:20,720 Speaker 1: a bouncer in your brain that has a massive job, 547 00:30:20,840 --> 00:30:23,600 Speaker 1: and the job of your bouncer in your brain is 548 00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:27,880 Speaker 1: to decide what gets into the prefrontal cortex, what passes through. 549 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:31,240 Speaker 1: There's only four things, Jay, that actually get through automatically. 550 00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:34,040 Speaker 1: Your name. We've all experienced it. Oh did they say 551 00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:37,360 Speaker 1: Jay number two having to me this morning? Really, I 552 00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:39,680 Speaker 1: had a random person, I think, shout my name us. 553 00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:41,600 Speaker 1: I was looking around. Well, that's the bouncer in your 554 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:44,040 Speaker 1: brain and let it in. And there are bazilion other sounds. 555 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,560 Speaker 1: By the way that you didn't hear because the bouncer 556 00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:49,640 Speaker 1: in your brain blocked them out. The second thing is 557 00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:52,920 Speaker 1: any immediate threat. So like if you hear a loud noise, 558 00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:55,160 Speaker 1: you'll kind of like duck. But there are a loud 559 00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:57,720 Speaker 1: noises all day that don't make you do that because 560 00:30:57,720 --> 00:31:00,160 Speaker 1: the bouncer in your brain is blocking it out. The 561 00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:02,560 Speaker 1: third one, and this can be tricky for relationships. I 562 00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:05,479 Speaker 1: know you're writing a book about this, So this is 563 00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:09,000 Speaker 1: any sign that you think your partner might be interested 564 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:10,840 Speaker 1: in sex with you or somebody else. You know, This 565 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:14,400 Speaker 1: is that jealousy they hate. And then the fourth one, 566 00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:17,520 Speaker 1: and this is where the treasure is. This is everything 567 00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:21,960 Speaker 1: your brain filters the world based on what you tell 568 00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:24,920 Speaker 1: it is important to you. So when you're shopping for 569 00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:29,440 Speaker 1: a new car, you suddenly say to your ras, this 570 00:31:29,520 --> 00:31:32,840 Speaker 1: is important to me, and it lets an imagery of 571 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:37,280 Speaker 1: the car. This works in positive and negative ways. Trauma 572 00:31:37,400 --> 00:31:39,760 Speaker 1: is an example of how your filter gets trained by 573 00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:42,920 Speaker 1: a very negative event. It becomes very important because your 574 00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:45,920 Speaker 1: nervous system responded to it, so your brain records as 575 00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:49,280 Speaker 1: much as it can to try to protect you. A 576 00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:53,760 Speaker 1: positive way is by saying something that you talk about 577 00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:57,120 Speaker 1: the writing out of your goals. They having visual and 578 00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,920 Speaker 1: environmental triggers that keep these things front of These are 579 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:04,280 Speaker 1: ways to train your brain for a positive effect. So 580 00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:06,280 Speaker 1: one of the things that happens when you start to 581 00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:08,880 Speaker 1: high five yourself, and why it goes so much deeper 582 00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:12,480 Speaker 1: even than the boost and the partnership, is that what 583 00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:15,840 Speaker 1: happens is you're now tapping into an entire field of 584 00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:19,960 Speaker 1: research called behavioral activation therapy. You talk about it a lot, 585 00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:22,360 Speaker 1: you know all the science. If you don't know it, 586 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:24,400 Speaker 1: there's a very simple way to talk about it. It's 587 00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:26,920 Speaker 1: called act like the person you want to become. And 588 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:29,520 Speaker 1: the reason why this is so important is we know 589 00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:34,120 Speaker 1: thinking alone won't get you to change. You actually have 590 00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:38,960 Speaker 1: to take the actions that change everything. And one of 591 00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:41,680 Speaker 1: the reasons why high fiving yourself is such a powerful 592 00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:44,400 Speaker 1: action is the bouncer in your brain, the ris it's 593 00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:49,240 Speaker 1: paying attention. When it suddenly sees you stop the beatdown 594 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:53,920 Speaker 1: and it sees you act differently. It sees you acting 595 00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:57,840 Speaker 1: like somebody who actually cares about you, who celebrates you, 596 00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:01,240 Speaker 1: and who sees the high five, it will switch in 597 00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:04,880 Speaker 1: real time and start to see the world in a 598 00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:09,320 Speaker 1: way that reflects back the fact that you deserve love 599 00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:12,600 Speaker 1: and support. So the more that you act like somebody 600 00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:15,520 Speaker 1: who loves and supports and believes in themselves by high 601 00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:19,640 Speaker 1: fiving themselves, the more your brain changes and the more 602 00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:23,600 Speaker 1: your reality changes. Now to your point with toxic positivity, 603 00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:26,120 Speaker 1: does it change the very real issues people face? Of 604 00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:28,840 Speaker 1: course not. It does not change the fact that there's 605 00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:32,920 Speaker 1: discrimination and poverty and trauma and very real obstacles that 606 00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:36,320 Speaker 1: you may be facing right now. What it changes is 607 00:33:36,400 --> 00:33:40,480 Speaker 1: you and your ability to face those things, and your 608 00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:45,880 Speaker 1: resilience and your belief that through your attitude and your actions, 609 00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:51,080 Speaker 1: you can make a positive difference in those things. Yeah. Yeah. 610 00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:53,920 Speaker 1: What I love about what you just said is that 611 00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:59,480 Speaker 1: we're all going to face pain and discomfort regardless. The 612 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:02,600 Speaker 1: only choice we have is are you going to face 613 00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:09,160 Speaker 1: pain and discomfort with the feeling of supporting yourself or 614 00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:12,359 Speaker 1: are you going to face pain and discomfort with the 615 00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:15,880 Speaker 1: feeling of condemning yourself? Right, that's the only choice you have. 616 00:34:15,960 --> 00:34:17,719 Speaker 1: We're all going to face it. We're all going to 617 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:19,759 Speaker 1: have to deal with stuff that we don't want to 618 00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:21,799 Speaker 1: deal with, and the only choice we get to make 619 00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:25,200 Speaker 1: is what attitude do I want to affect this from 620 00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:27,440 Speaker 1: what thoughts do I want to have as I go 621 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:29,680 Speaker 1: through this? And I think all of us would agree 622 00:34:30,000 --> 00:34:31,960 Speaker 1: that we'd rather be going through with thoughts that's say, 623 00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:33,960 Speaker 1: you've got this, you can do this, we can get there, 624 00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:36,399 Speaker 1: will figure it out, we'll find an answer, will make 625 00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:38,640 Speaker 1: it through, rather than the voice in your head that's 626 00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:41,000 Speaker 1: saying I don't think you should do this. No, this's 627 00:34:41,040 --> 00:34:43,560 Speaker 1: not going to work. No, stop, No, you're terrible. Oh 628 00:34:43,640 --> 00:34:45,200 Speaker 1: this is the worst thing you could which is what 629 00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:49,560 Speaker 1: we're all airing. Let's talk about what are the key 630 00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:51,359 Speaker 1: aspects You talk about this so much in the book, 631 00:34:51,400 --> 00:34:53,040 Speaker 1: and I do believe this is at the heart of 632 00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:55,719 Speaker 1: the High five habit and also just the heart of 633 00:34:55,719 --> 00:34:58,919 Speaker 1: what you're sharing in this book. What are the key 634 00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:04,040 Speaker 1: principles of how someone deals with themselves when they love themselves, 635 00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:06,480 Speaker 1: when they care for themselves. What are those key tenets, 636 00:35:06,520 --> 00:35:10,080 Speaker 1: those those key values that we can draw ourselves to 637 00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:13,000 Speaker 1: a measure against it, saying am I doing that for myself? 638 00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:15,640 Speaker 1: Does that make sense? Say? Yeah, am I creating that 639 00:35:15,719 --> 00:35:18,640 Speaker 1: for myself? Because I feel like we know, like we 640 00:35:18,680 --> 00:35:20,480 Speaker 1: always say, and some of this is similar, but we 641 00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:22,840 Speaker 1: always say, oh if your child and you know you 642 00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:24,719 Speaker 1: have children going off to make friends at school. We 643 00:35:24,719 --> 00:35:27,760 Speaker 1: always say be kind asked you know, you share advice, 644 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:30,200 Speaker 1: but we've never been told how to have a relationship 645 00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:32,400 Speaker 1: with ourselves. What are the key principles to having a 646 00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:35,759 Speaker 1: positive relationship video? So it's a fabulous question. So I 647 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:40,000 Speaker 1: think at the heart of it are two foundational habits 648 00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:43,359 Speaker 1: that you need and one you already mentioned. It's being 649 00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:47,279 Speaker 1: kind to yourself. It's really that simple. And I know 650 00:35:47,360 --> 00:35:49,600 Speaker 1: you know the study that they did in the UK 651 00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:52,319 Speaker 1: where they looked at every possible behavior change that you 652 00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:57,440 Speaker 1: could do in life, and whether it was changing and diet, meditation, exercise, 653 00:35:57,520 --> 00:36:01,560 Speaker 1: relationship changes, all of it. The one change that has 654 00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:04,399 Speaker 1: the biggest impact on fulfillment and happiness is being kind 655 00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:06,440 Speaker 1: to yourself. And it's the one change we practice the 656 00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:08,719 Speaker 1: least because I don't think we know how Yeah I don't. 657 00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:10,919 Speaker 1: How do yeah? How do we be kind us? Well? 658 00:36:11,239 --> 00:36:14,160 Speaker 1: Number one, stop the beat down in the mirror and 659 00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:16,040 Speaker 1: despite the fact that it might feel weird or you're 660 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:17,960 Speaker 1: going to resist it, or you got a lot of dust, 661 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:21,279 Speaker 1: oh boy, we gotta wipe it away. Oh it's for 662 00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:24,759 Speaker 1: like mud like us. Jay has to us. The rest 663 00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:27,840 Speaker 1: of us are caked with mud. It gets a probable 664 00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:31,480 Speaker 1: grief in there. The high five habit every day is 665 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:36,319 Speaker 1: wiping that away. Okay, that's number one. Number two, when 666 00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:41,000 Speaker 1: you catch yourself in the what if loop or the 667 00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:44,080 Speaker 1: beat down, use the five second roll count backwards five 668 00:36:44,160 --> 00:36:47,879 Speaker 1: four three two one, interrupt it and start just interrupting 669 00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:51,560 Speaker 1: it because you don't have to listen to it. You 670 00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:54,520 Speaker 1: can't always control when it pops up, but you can 671 00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:58,560 Speaker 1: start to create distance from it. Meditation obviously helps with that, 672 00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:01,279 Speaker 1: But in terms of the hand to fist combat with 673 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:05,200 Speaker 1: your own brain, I prefer punchback five four three two one, 674 00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:07,120 Speaker 1: and then I literally go, I'm not thinking about that. 675 00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,640 Speaker 1: Another strategy that you can use as you're doing the 676 00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:14,560 Speaker 1: hand to hand combat with your own brain is come 677 00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:18,840 Speaker 1: up with like an avatar for this negative voice, okay, 678 00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:21,600 Speaker 1: and make it really good. Like when our son was 679 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:25,120 Speaker 1: really profoundly struggling with anxiety. He's sixteen now, he started 680 00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:27,400 Speaker 1: to call that worry wart in his head that was 681 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,279 Speaker 1: beating him up, Oliver, and he looked like this big, 682 00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:33,720 Speaker 1: pimply bully of a kid that was out of the diary, 683 00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:36,080 Speaker 1: the whimpy kid and he would literally say when he 684 00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:39,239 Speaker 1: was nine years old, shut up our oliver like, you're 685 00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:41,800 Speaker 1: not invited to sleeve like. He would literally talk to it. 686 00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:44,600 Speaker 1: And it sounds like you're giving your kid multiple personalities. 687 00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:48,680 Speaker 1: That's not actually what's happening. You're leveraging objectivity, so you 688 00:37:48,920 --> 00:37:53,400 Speaker 1: separate yourself from the voice that's talking to another thing 689 00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:56,040 Speaker 1: that you can do. I love this for worrying. Oh, 690 00:37:56,200 --> 00:38:00,239 Speaker 1: this is a genius to steal your word move when 691 00:38:00,239 --> 00:38:02,200 Speaker 1: you catch yourself doing the what ifs. Because we know 692 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:04,960 Speaker 1: there's two forms of worrying, right. There's the type of 693 00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:08,040 Speaker 1: worrying that just destroys you. That's destructive worrying, where you 694 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:10,919 Speaker 1: just ruminate what if, what if? What if? Then there's 695 00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:14,279 Speaker 1: the positive form of worrying, which is productive because it 696 00:38:14,920 --> 00:38:17,520 Speaker 1: motivates you to change. When you get stuck in the 697 00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:20,440 Speaker 1: what if, what if? What if? Interrupted with this five four, 698 00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:21,960 Speaker 1: three two one, and then go what if it all 699 00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:25,839 Speaker 1: works out? What if? This turns out to be one 700 00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:27,440 Speaker 1: of the hardest things I do, but the best decision 701 00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:31,200 Speaker 1: I've ever made. What if? Placing a bet on myself 702 00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:37,560 Speaker 1: was the moment my life changed. What if it all 703 00:38:37,600 --> 00:38:40,960 Speaker 1: works out? Because you can't argue with that, and it 704 00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:45,560 Speaker 1: literally stops that sort of cycling because worrying is just 705 00:38:45,719 --> 00:38:48,120 Speaker 1: a habit that you have. It's like a pathway that 706 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:51,120 Speaker 1: you've plowed in your mind, and it's a protection mechanism. 707 00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:54,680 Speaker 1: You're actually not a procrastinator, you're not a worrior. You're 708 00:38:54,719 --> 00:38:57,640 Speaker 1: just afraid, yea. And by staying in your mind, you 709 00:38:57,719 --> 00:39:00,879 Speaker 1: think you're safe. And really what you're doing is you're 710 00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:04,080 Speaker 1: holding yourself back from living the life that you're meant 711 00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:08,239 Speaker 1: to live. I love that that's such a great answer. Yeah, 712 00:39:08,239 --> 00:39:10,600 Speaker 1: it doesn't be kind to yourself. And and then then 713 00:39:10,600 --> 00:39:13,640 Speaker 1: the other ones keep the little promises that you make yourself. 714 00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:17,279 Speaker 1: And there's two simple ways you can practice this that 715 00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:20,520 Speaker 1: everybody's going to hate. When you set the alarm the 716 00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:22,600 Speaker 1: night before. I don't believe in having the same wake 717 00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:25,680 Speaker 1: up time every morning because I think if you have 718 00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:30,640 Speaker 1: a normal life, things are constantly changing. And so I 719 00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:33,520 Speaker 1: think if you were to have one simple habit, which 720 00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:36,320 Speaker 1: is the night before you go to bed, think about 721 00:39:36,360 --> 00:39:39,280 Speaker 1: when you need to wake up to truly support yourself, 722 00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:42,680 Speaker 1: and then intentionally set your alarm. And if you want 723 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:45,640 Speaker 1: to get really intentional with the science, here make it 724 00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:49,040 Speaker 1: like a random odd number. Don't make it six o'clock. 725 00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:52,920 Speaker 1: Make it six seventeen, because there's a purpose behind that. 726 00:39:53,719 --> 00:39:56,040 Speaker 1: And then when that alarm rings, don't think about it 727 00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:59,440 Speaker 1: like an obligation. I want you to think about it 728 00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:03,200 Speaker 1: like to promise that you're going to practice keeping. And 729 00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:05,279 Speaker 1: this is where you can use the five second rule. 730 00:40:05,760 --> 00:40:08,080 Speaker 1: You're just going to count backwards five four, three two 731 00:40:08,120 --> 00:40:10,879 Speaker 1: one to interrupt all of the desire in your mind 732 00:40:10,920 --> 00:40:12,800 Speaker 1: and body to stay in bed, or to hit the 733 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:15,160 Speaker 1: snooze button, or to argue against what you need to do. 734 00:40:15,719 --> 00:40:18,440 Speaker 1: And you're going to push through that resistance and take action. 735 00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:21,640 Speaker 1: And by getting out of bed simply when you said 736 00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:26,000 Speaker 1: you would, you are again behavioral activation therapy. You're acting 737 00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:30,000 Speaker 1: like a person who keeps their promises and trust yourself. Yes, 738 00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:32,400 Speaker 1: here's another one. If you just talked about that one, 739 00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:34,200 Speaker 1: you have to say, ye, have we ever talked about 740 00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:37,960 Speaker 1: six seventeen before six? I don't even even seventeen. It's 741 00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:40,719 Speaker 1: so I guess, I don't know. It's so strange when 742 00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:42,719 Speaker 1: you said, don't set it at six, and you just 743 00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:45,240 Speaker 1: said in my mind, I was like, yeah, six seventeen, 744 00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:48,120 Speaker 1: just before you said it no, and yeah, I'm not kidding. 745 00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:49,759 Speaker 1: So is that like your wake up time? No, it isn't. 746 00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:51,440 Speaker 1: I wake up at six. Okay, so why did you 747 00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:53,719 Speaker 1: think success? No idea. That's what I was asking you 748 00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:55,400 Speaker 1: if we talked about it before, and I was like, 749 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,640 Speaker 1: now that the time you wake up or now discuss 750 00:40:57,719 --> 00:41:01,919 Speaker 1: that in naper Now that is literally yeah, she's gonna 751 00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:04,839 Speaker 1: say seventeen. That is I'm trying to think. No where 752 00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:07,200 Speaker 1: in my mind is exempted anyway. But by the point being, 753 00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:10,520 Speaker 1: I really really like that principle and what I've found, 754 00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:13,360 Speaker 1: and you're so right that every day is different. Is 755 00:41:13,440 --> 00:41:16,920 Speaker 1: I found seep sleeping the same amount of time, yes, 756 00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:19,839 Speaker 1: is more important than waking up at the same time. 757 00:41:20,360 --> 00:41:24,680 Speaker 1: Well do you know the research around the snooze button? Yes, yes, yes, okay, okay, 758 00:41:24,840 --> 00:41:28,319 Speaker 1: so so literally it also when it comes to productivity 759 00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:31,400 Speaker 1: and focus and fulfillment, it's not when you get up, 760 00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:34,200 Speaker 1: it's how you get up. And there's all this crazy 761 00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:36,600 Speaker 1: research Like I'm not some sort of like psycho about 762 00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:39,160 Speaker 1: the alarm clock or the snooze button. I personally love 763 00:41:39,239 --> 00:41:42,600 Speaker 1: sleeping in, but I also know that as somebody that 764 00:41:42,719 --> 00:41:47,239 Speaker 1: struggled with anxiety for three decades. Lying in bed in 765 00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:49,719 Speaker 1: the morning or at night is the worst place I 766 00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:52,719 Speaker 1: can be. Absolutely, that is where the anxiety can pin 767 00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:57,440 Speaker 1: you down like a gravity blanket. And so understanding that 768 00:41:57,960 --> 00:42:00,960 Speaker 1: the habit of hitting the snooze button has a detrimental 769 00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:04,920 Speaker 1: impact on your productivity all day because what happens is 770 00:42:04,960 --> 00:42:07,360 Speaker 1: when you wake up, your brain is typically ready to 771 00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:10,000 Speaker 1: wake up. When you drift back to sleep after hitting 772 00:42:10,040 --> 00:42:13,520 Speaker 1: the snooze button, your brain drifts back into a sleep cycle, 773 00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:16,640 Speaker 1: which based on research, takes about seventy five minutes to complete. 774 00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:19,799 Speaker 1: When the alarm goes off nine minutes later, your brain 775 00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:23,080 Speaker 1: is now trapped in a sleep cycle, and researchers say 776 00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:26,239 Speaker 1: it takes you about four hours to snap out of 777 00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:30,880 Speaker 1: what they call sleep inertia. That impacts your productivity all 778 00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:34,080 Speaker 1: day long. And so you're complaining then I didn't get 779 00:42:34,160 --> 00:42:37,640 Speaker 1: enough sleep and you feel groggy. No, you actually got 780 00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:41,239 Speaker 1: plenty of sleep. You screwed yourself over by hitting the 781 00:42:41,640 --> 00:42:45,560 Speaker 1: snooze button, and now your prefrontal cortex can't snap back 782 00:42:45,640 --> 00:42:48,680 Speaker 1: into operation until you're ready to go. I want to 783 00:42:48,719 --> 00:42:50,959 Speaker 1: speak about emotionally, which is what you're talking about earlier 784 00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:52,799 Speaker 1: about you've broken your trust with yourself. And that's why 785 00:42:52,880 --> 00:42:55,799 Speaker 1: when we set these unrealistic targets. I'm gonna wake up 786 00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:57,279 Speaker 1: at five am tomorrow, I'm going to wake up at 787 00:42:57,360 --> 00:43:00,160 Speaker 1: six whatever it is that's unrealistic for you. And then 788 00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:02,400 Speaker 1: you hit the snooze button four times. Yeah, and you 789 00:43:02,440 --> 00:43:03,920 Speaker 1: wake up at the time you would have woken up 790 00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:06,920 Speaker 1: at anyway. Yep, that's just made you lose faith in 791 00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:11,040 Speaker 1: yourself over nothing. Right, So that's the totally See, I'm 792 00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:13,360 Speaker 1: kind of one of these people. Then I sort of 793 00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:15,960 Speaker 1: like lame goals because I want you to win. You know, 794 00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:18,439 Speaker 1: I'm just asking for a high five in the mirror. 795 00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:20,879 Speaker 1: I'm just asking that you roll out of bed five 796 00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:23,719 Speaker 1: four three two one. Here's another wonderful one. Make your bed. 797 00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:26,400 Speaker 1: And here's why. Not because I need you to be 798 00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:29,080 Speaker 1: a Navy seal, but because when you literally and I'm 799 00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:31,879 Speaker 1: not even talking pop a quarter off of it, I'm 800 00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:35,799 Speaker 1: talking throw the blanket across karate, chop a pillow, throw 801 00:43:35,840 --> 00:43:38,759 Speaker 1: a throw on a diagonal, we're done here kind of thing. 802 00:43:39,080 --> 00:43:41,960 Speaker 1: Here's why Number one, it's a beautiful gift you can 803 00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:44,759 Speaker 1: gift yourself because as you walk back into your room, 804 00:43:45,320 --> 00:43:48,320 Speaker 1: it's done. You don't see MSS. Your brain sees a 805 00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:52,080 Speaker 1: person that actually is kind to themselves and follows through 806 00:43:52,120 --> 00:43:54,239 Speaker 1: on things tonight, when you lay down a dream, you 807 00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:56,880 Speaker 1: have a nice place to come back to. And this 808 00:43:57,080 --> 00:44:01,040 Speaker 1: is what I'm talking about with lame lame goals and 809 00:44:01,200 --> 00:44:06,600 Speaker 1: what I call simple discipline. Simple discipline is roll out 810 00:44:06,640 --> 00:44:09,480 Speaker 1: of bed when the alarm rings. Simple discipline is make 811 00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:13,040 Speaker 1: your bed. Simple discipline. I'm even going to make exercise easy. 812 00:44:13,080 --> 00:44:15,600 Speaker 1: You want to hear, Yeah, so easy. Okay, you're ready 813 00:44:16,239 --> 00:44:20,440 Speaker 1: to night. In your closet, get your exercise clothes out, 814 00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:23,480 Speaker 1: lay them on the floor, put them right in your 815 00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:27,160 Speaker 1: way so you can't step around them, because then they're 816 00:44:27,360 --> 00:44:31,280 Speaker 1: there as a trap on your floor the next morning. Again, 817 00:44:31,320 --> 00:44:33,239 Speaker 1: you don't have to think about it. You're like, oh 818 00:44:33,360 --> 00:44:36,920 Speaker 1: my gosh, stepping over them, is you breaking a promise? 819 00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:40,400 Speaker 1: When you pull them on, I know you're more likely 820 00:44:40,719 --> 00:44:43,440 Speaker 1: to exercise today because they're already on your body. And 821 00:44:43,560 --> 00:44:46,600 Speaker 1: so but in my book, we're practicing simple things here. 822 00:44:46,800 --> 00:44:48,680 Speaker 1: So you get a high five just for pulling the 823 00:44:48,760 --> 00:44:51,680 Speaker 1: tights on. Man, Like, I'm not even gonna count exercising. 824 00:44:51,800 --> 00:44:54,520 Speaker 1: If you get the exercise clothes on, We've gotten up 825 00:44:54,760 --> 00:44:57,160 Speaker 1: we've made our bed, we got our exercise. Now we're 826 00:44:57,160 --> 00:44:59,840 Speaker 1: gonna high five them. Here, Honey, you just got four wins. 827 00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:02,600 Speaker 1: You've only been up for twenty seconds. This is the 828 00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:05,840 Speaker 1: Mel Robbins program. This is how you build trust with 829 00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:12,279 Speaker 1: yourself by setting really small goals, little tiny promises, because 830 00:45:12,320 --> 00:45:15,680 Speaker 1: you're building a new muscle. And the most important promise 831 00:45:15,760 --> 00:45:17,759 Speaker 1: in all of this is how you treat yourself in 832 00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:22,400 Speaker 1: the mirror, because, as you know, Jay, that relationship that 833 00:45:22,520 --> 00:45:25,879 Speaker 1: you have with yourself is the foundation for every relationship 834 00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:29,200 Speaker 1: that you have. If you can't look yourself in the eye, 835 00:45:30,120 --> 00:45:32,800 Speaker 1: you will never be able to allow somebody else to 836 00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:35,360 Speaker 1: love you because you don't first love yourself. If you 837 00:45:35,440 --> 00:45:39,399 Speaker 1: struggle with people pleasing, that's not about other people, that's 838 00:45:39,440 --> 00:45:42,920 Speaker 1: about your insecurity with yourself. So it comes back again 839 00:45:43,080 --> 00:45:47,080 Speaker 1: to the simple discipline of looking at yourself and learning 840 00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:50,960 Speaker 1: how to be secure with the one human being you 841 00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:53,600 Speaker 1: spend your whole life with. And the only way you're 842 00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:55,560 Speaker 1: going to start being secure with who you are is 843 00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:58,440 Speaker 1: when you start accepting and loving who you are, no 844 00:45:58,560 --> 00:46:01,000 Speaker 1: matter where you are, whether you exercise today or not, 845 00:46:01,400 --> 00:46:04,480 Speaker 1: whether you blew it yesterday or not, whether you really 846 00:46:04,760 --> 00:46:07,520 Speaker 1: are trying hard and winning or not. I love that 847 00:46:08,680 --> 00:46:10,800 Speaker 1: for me. Making my bed also improves my relationship with 848 00:46:10,840 --> 00:46:12,920 Speaker 1: my wife because she happens to wake up earlier than me. 849 00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:15,040 Speaker 1: And therefore we have a rule in our house whoever 850 00:46:15,120 --> 00:46:17,600 Speaker 1: wakes up second does the bed, which means I end 851 00:46:17,680 --> 00:46:19,840 Speaker 1: up doing the bed. I don't like that rule because 852 00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:22,840 Speaker 1: my husband gets up first. Yeah, so anyway, I always 853 00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:25,440 Speaker 1: have to do my bed. But my wife also liked 854 00:46:25,440 --> 00:46:27,439 Speaker 1: to have like twenty pillows on the bed, so there's 855 00:46:27,480 --> 00:46:29,200 Speaker 1: more pillows on the bed than there is a bed, 856 00:46:29,680 --> 00:46:33,160 Speaker 1: and and so I really don't enjoy it because I 857 00:46:33,239 --> 00:46:36,319 Speaker 1: have to like organize these pillows. Do the karate chop? 858 00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:41,880 Speaker 1: Do you have to have a Yeah, I have three pillows, 859 00:46:41,960 --> 00:46:45,080 Speaker 1: one behind the other. I mean, it's it's like real work. 860 00:46:45,160 --> 00:46:46,920 Speaker 1: But by the time I finished doing that, I'm like 861 00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:50,080 Speaker 1: I can do anything. Yes, I love all these principles 862 00:46:50,120 --> 00:46:52,160 Speaker 1: you're talking about, But the biggest thing is the theme 863 00:46:52,239 --> 00:46:56,840 Speaker 1: that's underlying all of them is celebrate, congratulate, build trust, 864 00:46:56,960 --> 00:47:00,480 Speaker 1: Which you're so right that this if anyone's listening and thinking, 865 00:47:01,239 --> 00:47:03,160 Speaker 1: oh well, if I celebrate these little things and I'll 866 00:47:03,200 --> 00:47:05,240 Speaker 1: never do anything big. No, it's it's the other way around. 867 00:47:05,320 --> 00:47:08,160 Speaker 1: It's that if you build trust with yourself doing these 868 00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:11,960 Speaker 1: little things, you'll trust yourself with bigger things. And anyone 869 00:47:12,040 --> 00:47:14,840 Speaker 1: that you see that's doing big, bold, incredible things today 870 00:47:15,400 --> 00:47:18,960 Speaker 1: is because they trusted themselves with the tiny, small, incremental changes. 871 00:47:19,600 --> 00:47:22,839 Speaker 1: And so when Mel saying celebrate just putting the gym 872 00:47:22,920 --> 00:47:26,279 Speaker 1: clothes on, she's saying that because if you celebrate that, 873 00:47:26,400 --> 00:47:29,000 Speaker 1: you'll notice that, Hey, I can trust myself for this. 874 00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:32,960 Speaker 1: Let's talk about celebration because for both of us, and 875 00:47:33,440 --> 00:47:34,960 Speaker 1: I also see this in you, and I think you 876 00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:37,719 Speaker 1: know when we're in Napper with all our friends. I 877 00:47:37,840 --> 00:47:41,360 Speaker 1: feel that celebration is something that everyone struggles with the 878 00:47:41,480 --> 00:47:46,720 Speaker 1: more successful they become. And because the goals get bigger, 879 00:47:47,239 --> 00:47:49,799 Speaker 1: the time length of the next project gets longer because 880 00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:51,920 Speaker 1: it's harder. It's like launching a TV show as you did, 881 00:47:52,040 --> 00:47:54,920 Speaker 1: or you wrote another book after five years. There's more 882 00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:58,279 Speaker 1: pressure this time because the last thing was incredible and 883 00:47:58,320 --> 00:48:00,400 Speaker 1: now you're doing something bigger. I find we live in 884 00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:02,480 Speaker 1: this world where it's easy to stop celebrating. Did you 885 00:48:02,600 --> 00:48:05,720 Speaker 1: find out or have you always found time for yourself 886 00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:08,360 Speaker 1: to celebrate your wins and your successes I'm just asking 887 00:48:08,400 --> 00:48:11,919 Speaker 1: on a personal The honest answer is that I think 888 00:48:12,040 --> 00:48:14,520 Speaker 1: it wasn't until I discovered the high five habit that 889 00:48:14,760 --> 00:48:19,879 Speaker 1: I profoundly realized how much self hatred I was dealing 890 00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:24,000 Speaker 1: with and despite everything else yet well, and this I 891 00:48:24,080 --> 00:48:27,080 Speaker 1: think is a really big piece of the power of this, 892 00:48:28,680 --> 00:48:32,279 Speaker 1: especially if you're somebody who's achievement oriented, and everybody that 893 00:48:32,400 --> 00:48:36,480 Speaker 1: listens to this podcast feels a big calling and wants 894 00:48:36,560 --> 00:48:38,880 Speaker 1: to do more in the world and make a bigger 895 00:48:38,920 --> 00:48:42,160 Speaker 1: difference and a bigger impact. There's a real danger that's 896 00:48:42,320 --> 00:48:45,960 Speaker 1: very common Jay, that you start to marry or you've 897 00:48:45,960 --> 00:48:50,439 Speaker 1: always married being worthy or lovable with what you're doing 898 00:48:51,239 --> 00:48:54,840 Speaker 1: and what you're achieving. And it works both ways in 899 00:48:55,040 --> 00:48:57,280 Speaker 1: terms of if you don't have the number on the scale, 900 00:48:57,719 --> 00:49:00,400 Speaker 1: it means again the dust on the mirror, you are 901 00:49:00,480 --> 00:49:04,239 Speaker 1: not worthy because you haven't achieved it yet. And for 902 00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:06,839 Speaker 1: those of us that have achieved some things that we've 903 00:49:06,880 --> 00:49:09,680 Speaker 1: set out to do, what happens is you find that 904 00:49:09,960 --> 00:49:13,080 Speaker 1: as soon as you achieve the thing, you actually need 905 00:49:13,160 --> 00:49:17,920 Speaker 1: to do something else better because it was a thing 906 00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:21,440 Speaker 1: that you achieved that made you lovable or worthy. And 907 00:49:21,600 --> 00:49:26,279 Speaker 1: the real trick and this is everything is being able 908 00:49:26,360 --> 00:49:29,960 Speaker 1: to know and feel in your bones that you are 909 00:49:30,440 --> 00:49:35,120 Speaker 1: lovable and worthy just because you're breathing. And that was 910 00:49:35,160 --> 00:49:38,319 Speaker 1: a huge breakthrough for me. And so no, I never 911 00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:42,480 Speaker 1: celebrated because I think I was so married to this 912 00:49:42,680 --> 00:49:44,960 Speaker 1: idea that unless I'm doing or winning or achieving, and 913 00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:48,319 Speaker 1: it happens so subtly when you're little, because you start 914 00:49:48,360 --> 00:49:50,960 Speaker 1: to get so much positive praise when you get a 915 00:49:51,000 --> 00:49:53,279 Speaker 1: good grade, or when you do something at school, or 916 00:49:53,320 --> 00:49:55,560 Speaker 1: when you make your mates laugh or whatever it might be, 917 00:49:56,160 --> 00:49:59,640 Speaker 1: that you start to go, oh, that's what love feels like. 918 00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:03,600 Speaker 1: Oh if I do that, And so you outsource love 919 00:50:03,760 --> 00:50:07,480 Speaker 1: and validation to outside things, and I'm here to tell 920 00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:09,360 Speaker 1: you we all got to learn how to bring it 921 00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:12,360 Speaker 1: back home and anchor the validation and love that you 922 00:50:12,520 --> 00:50:15,719 Speaker 1: need where you are right now, every single day. And 923 00:50:15,840 --> 00:50:18,920 Speaker 1: it's only in discovering this that I had to confront 924 00:50:19,920 --> 00:50:23,239 Speaker 1: just how much I was beating myself up, just how 925 00:50:23,360 --> 00:50:26,000 Speaker 1: much I was tearing myself down, and how I was 926 00:50:26,239 --> 00:50:30,040 Speaker 1: chasing these things because what I actually wanted was to 927 00:50:30,120 --> 00:50:33,120 Speaker 1: feel loved. Like if you ask yourself, okay, great, you 928 00:50:33,200 --> 00:50:36,640 Speaker 1: want to make a million dollars, why there's a feeling 929 00:50:37,640 --> 00:50:40,879 Speaker 1: that you're looking for from that, and if you can 930 00:50:40,960 --> 00:50:44,839 Speaker 1: start to work on bringing that feeling into your day 931 00:50:44,880 --> 00:50:49,840 Speaker 1: to day life for yourself, it changes the way that 932 00:50:49,960 --> 00:50:52,760 Speaker 1: you go about achieving things Like I didn't even enjoy 933 00:50:52,960 --> 00:50:55,239 Speaker 1: half the stuff that I did because I was constantly 934 00:50:56,000 --> 00:50:59,640 Speaker 1: maniacally focused on the things that weren't working rather than 935 00:50:59,680 --> 00:51:02,040 Speaker 1: the hundred things that were. And the same is true 936 00:51:02,040 --> 00:51:05,160 Speaker 1: with everybody's day. You don't even know the number of 937 00:51:05,200 --> 00:51:08,040 Speaker 1: amazing things you do every day. You feed the dog, 938 00:51:08,200 --> 00:51:10,799 Speaker 1: high five, you got the kids at school, high five, 939 00:51:11,040 --> 00:51:14,040 Speaker 1: you read ten pages of the book high five, You 940 00:51:14,120 --> 00:51:16,600 Speaker 1: said a nice thing to a stranger, high five, You 941 00:51:16,719 --> 00:51:19,200 Speaker 1: got something done at work, high five, you got through 942 00:51:19,640 --> 00:51:23,880 Speaker 1: seventy percent of your inbox high five. Instead, you focus 943 00:51:24,000 --> 00:51:26,440 Speaker 1: and ruminate on the one thing you didn't get to, 944 00:51:26,640 --> 00:51:28,960 Speaker 1: and then you use that as evidence. Again, dust on 945 00:51:29,040 --> 00:51:31,920 Speaker 1: the mirror to see a human being that's not measuring 946 00:51:32,040 --> 00:51:34,440 Speaker 1: up and never will and all that stuff. They're stupid. 947 00:51:34,480 --> 00:51:36,759 Speaker 1: Fourth grade teacher said, you must be true, dust on 948 00:51:36,840 --> 00:51:41,719 Speaker 1: the mirror. No, you need to interrupt this period. Yeah, 949 00:51:42,400 --> 00:51:45,120 Speaker 1: that is so powerful everything you just said. I was 950 00:51:45,160 --> 00:51:48,719 Speaker 1: just nodding along, thinking this is so true. I saw 951 00:51:48,719 --> 00:51:52,120 Speaker 1: a video recently from a good friend of mine, Jason Goldberg, 952 00:51:52,440 --> 00:51:55,400 Speaker 1: and he was talking about a study at the Olympics 953 00:51:55,680 --> 00:52:00,640 Speaker 1: where people who win bronze a happier than those win silver. 954 00:52:01,719 --> 00:52:04,880 Speaker 1: And so coming third makes you happy than coming second 955 00:52:05,000 --> 00:52:07,360 Speaker 1: because the people that come second they go, oh, but 956 00:52:07,440 --> 00:52:10,319 Speaker 1: I was a second away from first, and so they 957 00:52:10,440 --> 00:52:14,680 Speaker 1: feel disheartened, whereas the person who came third goes, at 958 00:52:14,760 --> 00:52:17,160 Speaker 1: least I made it on the podium. Yeah, and that's 959 00:52:17,200 --> 00:52:20,200 Speaker 1: what you're saying, Yeah, make it to the podium. Yes, 960 00:52:20,600 --> 00:52:23,439 Speaker 1: put on the clothes or just put on the clothes. 961 00:52:23,480 --> 00:52:24,719 Speaker 1: You just put on the clothes. But that's making it 962 00:52:24,760 --> 00:52:26,839 Speaker 1: to the like to me, that's just getting there. It's 963 00:52:26,880 --> 00:52:30,359 Speaker 1: not us. And actually, what you really hit something when 964 00:52:30,360 --> 00:52:33,680 Speaker 1: you were saying that about celebration. For me, it's not 965 00:52:33,840 --> 00:52:37,680 Speaker 1: just about celebration. It's about what we celebrate in our lives. 966 00:52:38,880 --> 00:52:43,120 Speaker 1: So when we celebrate our birthday, we're celebrating life. When 967 00:52:43,160 --> 00:52:46,960 Speaker 1: you're celebrating an achievement, you're still celebrating a thing. Yes, 968 00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:50,480 Speaker 1: and so celebrating life when you're celebrating your breath, when 969 00:52:50,480 --> 00:52:53,560 Speaker 1: you're celebrating your life force, your energy, your soul, the 970 00:52:53,680 --> 00:52:56,360 Speaker 1: ability to love, the ability to be kind, the ability 971 00:52:56,400 --> 00:52:59,279 Speaker 1: to have relation or exchanges like we're having right now. 972 00:52:59,680 --> 00:53:03,279 Speaker 1: That's what you celebrate, because if you only celebrate things now, 973 00:53:03,360 --> 00:53:05,879 Speaker 1: you're waiting for the next thing. And I actually learned 974 00:53:05,920 --> 00:53:10,000 Speaker 1: that completely from my wife. Rather whether it was consciously 975 00:53:10,080 --> 00:53:11,960 Speaker 1: or unconsciously, she didn't even know what she was doing. 976 00:53:12,080 --> 00:53:14,160 Speaker 1: This was totally all in my own head. But I 977 00:53:14,320 --> 00:53:18,040 Speaker 1: realized that every time I reached a new external peak 978 00:53:18,239 --> 00:53:21,440 Speaker 1: or a new thing, I expected to receive more love 979 00:53:21,560 --> 00:53:25,799 Speaker 1: from her. I expected that she would think something more 980 00:53:25,880 --> 00:53:29,759 Speaker 1: cool of me, and the answer was she didn't. She 981 00:53:29,920 --> 00:53:34,040 Speaker 1: loved me the same, and I would always wonder, why 982 00:53:34,080 --> 00:53:35,560 Speaker 1: does she not love me for this? How does she 983 00:53:35,640 --> 00:53:38,280 Speaker 1: not respect me? How does she not feel it? Differently? 984 00:53:38,360 --> 00:53:40,160 Speaker 1: I mean, look what I'm doing, look what I would. 985 00:53:41,040 --> 00:53:44,560 Speaker 1: And when I kept working with that thought and I 986 00:53:44,840 --> 00:53:47,040 Speaker 1: reflect deeply, and I love breaking down my own thoughts 987 00:53:47,080 --> 00:53:49,040 Speaker 1: and figuring it out, and I really get stuck in there, 988 00:53:49,480 --> 00:53:54,400 Speaker 1: I realized that my wife loves me for my life 989 00:53:54,640 --> 00:53:57,680 Speaker 1: and who I am, not what I do. And so 990 00:53:57,880 --> 00:54:02,400 Speaker 1: she unintentionally trained me and taught me to disconnect my 991 00:54:02,680 --> 00:54:05,319 Speaker 1: value from what I do to who I am, which 992 00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:07,600 Speaker 1: is what she loves me for and I realized that 993 00:54:07,680 --> 00:54:09,600 Speaker 1: that was so much more beautiful and so much more 994 00:54:09,640 --> 00:54:12,080 Speaker 1: powerful and so much more meaningful to be loved for 995 00:54:12,160 --> 00:54:15,000 Speaker 1: who I am. Yes, then what I do and achieve? Yes, 996 00:54:15,080 --> 00:54:19,240 Speaker 1: And here's now an even bigger thing. Please you already 997 00:54:19,280 --> 00:54:21,920 Speaker 1: do this, but as you're listening to Jay, and I 998 00:54:22,200 --> 00:54:26,480 Speaker 1: want you to actually grasp how profound it would be 999 00:54:27,360 --> 00:54:31,759 Speaker 1: if you could feel that way about yourself, if you 1000 00:54:31,840 --> 00:54:33,960 Speaker 1: could always just look in the mirror and see a 1001 00:54:34,040 --> 00:54:36,439 Speaker 1: human being that's trying and that's worthy of a high five, 1002 00:54:36,480 --> 00:54:38,480 Speaker 1: and a human being that failed and Okay, we're going 1003 00:54:38,520 --> 00:54:40,439 Speaker 1: to brush it off and that's worthy of a high five. 1004 00:54:40,880 --> 00:54:44,440 Speaker 1: Somebody who is running the marathon of life that you 1005 00:54:44,520 --> 00:54:47,600 Speaker 1: are going to celebrate every step of the way. And 1006 00:54:47,760 --> 00:54:49,520 Speaker 1: you know, I also want to take this and flip 1007 00:54:49,600 --> 00:54:51,520 Speaker 1: this in the opposite because I think this is where 1008 00:54:51,560 --> 00:54:54,400 Speaker 1: people really get mucked up. This happened in my own marriage, 1009 00:54:54,880 --> 00:54:57,239 Speaker 1: and it's only a recent discovery between Chris and I, 1010 00:54:57,680 --> 00:55:01,239 Speaker 1: and that is that we had the opposite thing happened Jay. 1011 00:55:01,880 --> 00:55:04,040 Speaker 1: So when Chris and his best friend went into the 1012 00:55:04,080 --> 00:55:07,080 Speaker 1: restaurant business and they poured seven years into it and 1013 00:55:07,200 --> 00:55:09,200 Speaker 1: gave it their go and at the end of the day, 1014 00:55:09,880 --> 00:55:12,480 Speaker 1: they sold it, you know, for pennies on the dollar 1015 00:55:12,560 --> 00:55:16,080 Speaker 1: to the next investor, and they did not return the 1016 00:55:16,160 --> 00:55:19,200 Speaker 1: profit that they had hoped they would return to their investors. 1017 00:55:19,760 --> 00:55:22,000 Speaker 1: Now it was interesting about watching this all go down, 1018 00:55:22,239 --> 00:55:24,080 Speaker 1: is that our best friend, who is Chris's partner, was 1019 00:55:24,160 --> 00:55:27,359 Speaker 1: able to leave the experience and go, okay, entrepreneurship. I'm 1020 00:55:27,440 --> 00:55:29,759 Speaker 1: so proud of us. We put in so much work. 1021 00:55:29,800 --> 00:55:32,120 Speaker 1: We built something amazing, We had an incredible brand, we 1022 00:55:32,280 --> 00:55:36,120 Speaker 1: were incredible leaders. Did we return the profit? No, but 1023 00:55:36,280 --> 00:55:39,640 Speaker 1: that's not everything in life. And he moved on. My 1024 00:55:40,239 --> 00:55:46,520 Speaker 1: husband could not. He literally said, because I didn't achieve, 1025 00:55:47,400 --> 00:55:51,680 Speaker 1: because I failed, I am a failure who is not 1026 00:55:51,920 --> 00:55:55,480 Speaker 1: worthy of love. And for seven years he has walked 1027 00:55:55,600 --> 00:55:59,640 Speaker 1: into a bathroom with the dust that has said I 1028 00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:03,440 Speaker 1: am a failure. And so as you have been looking 1029 00:56:03,600 --> 00:56:08,120 Speaker 1: for why doesn't she love me more? Somebody who fails goes, 1030 00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:12,880 Speaker 1: how can you still love me? And it's only until 1031 00:56:13,000 --> 00:56:14,920 Speaker 1: it doesn't matter how much I love the guy, doesn't 1032 00:56:14,920 --> 00:56:16,840 Speaker 1: matter how much I build him up. And you know, 1033 00:56:16,960 --> 00:56:20,640 Speaker 1: I'm so proud of everything that he's done and all 1034 00:56:20,680 --> 00:56:22,480 Speaker 1: the stuff that Chris is doing and he's had a 1035 00:56:22,680 --> 00:56:25,040 Speaker 1: massive breakthrough in this and part of it is through 1036 00:56:25,080 --> 00:56:27,719 Speaker 1: the high five habit because of the resistance. But I 1037 00:56:27,800 --> 00:56:30,160 Speaker 1: can't do that, Loot, look at the failure that I've been. 1038 00:56:31,719 --> 00:56:34,680 Speaker 1: If you don't love yourself, you won't allow somebody else 1039 00:56:34,760 --> 00:56:37,960 Speaker 1: to love you. Yeah. And so when you can separate 1040 00:56:38,440 --> 00:56:42,160 Speaker 1: what you're doing from your soul and your intention and 1041 00:56:42,320 --> 00:56:45,960 Speaker 1: your spirit and your humanity and you can stand with 1042 00:56:46,160 --> 00:56:51,239 Speaker 1: yourself every morning, and that high five doesn't necessarily become celebration. 1043 00:56:51,360 --> 00:56:56,560 Speaker 1: It becomes acceptance, and it becomes compassion, and it becomes acknowledgement, 1044 00:56:56,719 --> 00:57:00,880 Speaker 1: and then it becomes slowly celebration and momentum and forward 1045 00:57:01,080 --> 00:57:05,800 Speaker 1: energy that you need when life drags you down. And 1046 00:57:06,000 --> 00:57:10,239 Speaker 1: so it's really a profound point you just made that 1047 00:57:10,520 --> 00:57:14,440 Speaker 1: it's only when you love yourself for breathing, for living, 1048 00:57:14,760 --> 00:57:18,040 Speaker 1: for being just as you are, that that level of 1049 00:57:18,120 --> 00:57:21,200 Speaker 1: acceptance that we so want from everybody else. And I'm 1050 00:57:21,240 --> 00:57:24,080 Speaker 1: telling you you have an opportunity to do it for 1051 00:57:24,160 --> 00:57:27,840 Speaker 1: yourself by keeping your promises, by being kind yourself, by 1052 00:57:27,920 --> 00:57:31,560 Speaker 1: standing before yourself and seeing a human being who needs 1053 00:57:31,600 --> 00:57:33,200 Speaker 1: you and who loves you and who's going to be 1054 00:57:33,280 --> 00:57:38,560 Speaker 1: with you your whole life. That's beautiful. It's amazing just 1055 00:57:38,760 --> 00:57:41,680 Speaker 1: just sitting there listening to you talk about that, and 1056 00:57:42,560 --> 00:57:44,200 Speaker 1: when I'm thinking about what you said With Chris, we 1057 00:57:44,520 --> 00:57:50,800 Speaker 1: recently celebrated your anniversary, which is incredible. Congratulations. I mean 1058 00:57:50,880 --> 00:57:53,880 Speaker 1: that's goals. Like me and my wife would be married 1059 00:57:53,880 --> 00:57:56,680 Speaker 1: at five together for eight. When I hear you twenty five, 1060 00:57:56,720 --> 00:57:58,520 Speaker 1: I'm like, cher all the wisdom, give it to me. 1061 00:58:00,560 --> 00:58:03,560 Speaker 1: Tell me about what it's been like learning from each other, 1062 00:58:03,760 --> 00:58:06,840 Speaker 1: especially seeing as your job is teaching. Yeah, it's coaching, 1063 00:58:07,040 --> 00:58:11,040 Speaker 1: it's working with CEOs and organizations and people and of 1064 00:58:11,120 --> 00:58:13,720 Speaker 1: course millions of people online, but you're working with so 1065 00:58:13,760 --> 00:58:17,240 Speaker 1: many companies as well. How has it been for him 1066 00:58:17,520 --> 00:58:20,520 Speaker 1: and for you to learn from each other? Has that 1067 00:58:20,600 --> 00:58:22,640 Speaker 1: been easy as they've been harder? When you talk about 1068 00:58:22,680 --> 00:58:24,800 Speaker 1: the seven years and you're saying that broke partly through 1069 00:58:24,840 --> 00:58:27,120 Speaker 1: the high five habit for him, I love hearing that 1070 00:58:27,280 --> 00:58:30,040 Speaker 1: because that makes me go, yes, like, not only does 1071 00:58:30,120 --> 00:58:32,400 Speaker 1: this work for everyone, it works for the people closest 1072 00:58:32,400 --> 00:58:34,120 Speaker 1: to you, which he says so much. Can you tell 1073 00:58:34,200 --> 00:58:36,360 Speaker 1: us a bit about yeah that well, you know, and 1074 00:58:36,480 --> 00:58:40,520 Speaker 1: also you know, to Chris's credit, he also got into therapy, 1075 00:58:40,800 --> 00:58:43,480 Speaker 1: and you know, he did the work. He did the work, 1076 00:58:43,800 --> 00:58:47,760 Speaker 1: and he's started Amend's retreats to help other men degree 1077 00:58:47,880 --> 00:58:50,520 Speaker 1: to do the work. And we've done a lot of 1078 00:58:50,600 --> 00:58:53,960 Speaker 1: work together, which I think is really important. It's so 1079 00:58:54,320 --> 00:58:57,880 Speaker 1: important to do work on yourself because it's not your 1080 00:58:57,960 --> 00:59:01,080 Speaker 1: partner's job to make you happy. It's your job to 1081 00:59:01,200 --> 00:59:03,800 Speaker 1: figure out how to bring the happiest and healthiest and 1082 00:59:03,920 --> 00:59:08,000 Speaker 1: kindest you into the relationship. Because when you can do that, 1083 00:59:08,840 --> 00:59:13,600 Speaker 1: you can build like a nurturing crucible if that's even 1084 00:59:13,640 --> 00:59:15,560 Speaker 1: the right word where you is that the right way? 1085 00:59:15,560 --> 00:59:17,080 Speaker 1: Don't even a way? You can build like a pot. 1086 00:59:17,160 --> 00:59:19,400 Speaker 1: I don't know that that sounds very unglamorous, but we 1087 00:59:19,520 --> 00:59:25,360 Speaker 1: camp a lot, you know. I think the hardest thing, 1088 00:59:25,440 --> 00:59:28,720 Speaker 1: and it took me a long time, was realizing that 1089 00:59:28,800 --> 00:59:33,040 Speaker 1: the most important thing in a relationship, if you want 1090 00:59:33,080 --> 00:59:38,280 Speaker 1: it to go the distance, is being kind and actually 1091 00:59:38,360 --> 00:59:43,600 Speaker 1: staying interested in the other person's experience and point of view. 1092 00:59:44,320 --> 00:59:47,120 Speaker 1: Like the challenge of being in a relationship that long 1093 00:59:47,160 --> 00:59:51,440 Speaker 1: as you think you know somebody. Yeah, And the fact is, 1094 00:59:51,760 --> 00:59:55,840 Speaker 1: I don't care how great your relationship is or how 1095 00:59:55,920 --> 00:59:57,720 Speaker 1: bad it is or whatever, but how great it is 1096 00:59:57,760 --> 00:59:59,880 Speaker 1: in particular, there are parts of the person you're with 1097 01:00:00,160 --> 01:00:02,560 Speaker 1: that you don't know, because even they don't know that totally. 1098 01:00:02,840 --> 01:00:05,520 Speaker 1: And I don't even think Chris realized the extent to 1099 01:00:05,600 --> 01:00:11,400 Speaker 1: which he was subconsciously pile driving himself with his mindset. 1100 01:00:12,080 --> 01:00:14,040 Speaker 1: And it didn't matter that I thought he was the 1101 01:00:14,120 --> 01:00:16,480 Speaker 1: most incredible person in the world, or the greatest father, 1102 01:00:16,680 --> 01:00:20,520 Speaker 1: or wonderful spouse or my biggest cheerleader. He didn't feel 1103 01:00:21,560 --> 01:00:26,480 Speaker 1: like those things. And so I would say being kind listening. 1104 01:00:27,200 --> 01:00:30,800 Speaker 1: I think also making requests of each other are really important. 1105 01:00:30,840 --> 01:00:33,760 Speaker 1: So instead of pointing out what's wrong, think about what 1106 01:00:33,920 --> 01:00:36,680 Speaker 1: you need. Because even though Chris and I have been 1107 01:00:36,720 --> 01:00:40,760 Speaker 1: together for twenty seven years now married twenty five, I'm 1108 01:00:40,800 --> 01:00:44,160 Speaker 1: still not a mind reader. And when you can make 1109 01:00:44,320 --> 01:00:48,840 Speaker 1: requests about what you need instead of letting it get 1110 01:00:48,920 --> 01:00:54,880 Speaker 1: to you and then acting out, that changes everything. That's incredible. 1111 01:00:54,880 --> 01:00:56,440 Speaker 1: I love hearing that. Thank you for sharing that, and 1112 01:00:56,480 --> 01:00:58,760 Speaker 1: thank you for opening up. I met Chris for the 1113 01:00:58,840 --> 01:01:02,600 Speaker 1: first time only about a month ago. Now he's wonderful, 1114 01:01:02,800 --> 01:01:06,200 Speaker 1: Like he's just such a gentleman, so kind, so sweet, 1115 01:01:06,280 --> 01:01:08,720 Speaker 1: so loving, very warm. I mean, we had so many 1116 01:01:08,760 --> 01:01:11,600 Speaker 1: beautiful interactions and conversations while we were in Napa together, 1117 01:01:11,720 --> 01:01:16,680 Speaker 1: and I just love seeing you both continuing to, you know, 1118 01:01:16,880 --> 01:01:20,919 Speaker 1: really just show what real strength looks like as a couple. Well, 1119 01:01:21,040 --> 01:01:22,440 Speaker 1: you know, Jay, I think one of the other things 1120 01:01:22,520 --> 01:01:24,680 Speaker 1: that has been fascinating is you've got to leave room 1121 01:01:24,800 --> 01:01:27,400 Speaker 1: for each other to grow. Yeah, so we've also gone 1122 01:01:27,480 --> 01:01:31,480 Speaker 1: through tremendous evolutions as a couple where you know, for 1123 01:01:31,520 --> 01:01:33,439 Speaker 1: a while, we were both working and we were sort 1124 01:01:33,480 --> 01:01:35,400 Speaker 1: of fifty fifty in terms of what we earned, and 1125 01:01:35,440 --> 01:01:37,200 Speaker 1: then Chris started to out earn me, and then I 1126 01:01:37,320 --> 01:01:39,000 Speaker 1: kind of took the second role. And then next thing 1127 01:01:39,040 --> 01:01:41,720 Speaker 1: you know, he's going into entrepreneurship and I'm sort of 1128 01:01:42,040 --> 01:01:43,960 Speaker 1: growing in the corporate market. Next thing, you know, we 1129 01:01:44,080 --> 01:01:48,280 Speaker 1: find ourselves financially imploding, eight hundred thousand dollars in debt, 1130 01:01:48,720 --> 01:01:53,040 Speaker 1: horrible experience twelve years ago, about to lose everything. And 1131 01:01:53,200 --> 01:01:56,000 Speaker 1: what was interesting is it was that crisis that flipped 1132 01:01:56,040 --> 01:01:58,480 Speaker 1: us into the right roles. Chris as you met, his 1133 01:01:58,560 --> 01:02:02,040 Speaker 1: name is Christopher Robbins. He's like the world's most nurturing man. 1134 01:02:02,200 --> 01:02:04,439 Speaker 1: You know, Winnie the Poo's owner for crying out loud. 1135 01:02:05,000 --> 01:02:10,040 Speaker 1: He doesn't care about money and building things and fancy stuff. 1136 01:02:10,040 --> 01:02:11,840 Speaker 1: He would live in a yurt if I would want to. 1137 01:02:12,000 --> 01:02:15,760 Speaker 1: I do not do that, Chris, I do not. It 1138 01:02:16,000 --> 01:02:19,160 Speaker 1: was through that that I discovered my own ambition that 1139 01:02:19,360 --> 01:02:22,280 Speaker 1: I actually do care about building things. I do want 1140 01:02:22,320 --> 01:02:23,880 Speaker 1: to go out and play that game in business. I 1141 01:02:24,040 --> 01:02:26,680 Speaker 1: freaking love it. And it happened at the perfect time, 1142 01:02:26,800 --> 01:02:29,400 Speaker 1: because it was at the moment when we had kids 1143 01:02:29,480 --> 01:02:32,760 Speaker 1: in middle school and they needed somebody more nurturing than 1144 01:02:32,840 --> 01:02:34,680 Speaker 1: me to be home and they needed somebody. And so 1145 01:02:34,760 --> 01:02:37,240 Speaker 1: our kids have had the greatest gift because they've seen 1146 01:02:37,840 --> 01:02:41,080 Speaker 1: our partnership evolved. They've seen a dad that it stayed 1147 01:02:41,160 --> 01:02:43,000 Speaker 1: home for a while, They've seen a mom off in 1148 01:02:43,080 --> 01:02:47,480 Speaker 1: the world building something. And the biggest message is that 1149 01:02:47,640 --> 01:02:51,280 Speaker 1: you're only going to stay together if you continue to talk. 1150 01:02:52,080 --> 01:02:53,920 Speaker 1: One of the things that our therapists said to us 1151 01:02:54,000 --> 01:02:56,760 Speaker 1: that I think about all the time, So steal this. 1152 01:02:57,560 --> 01:03:02,320 Speaker 1: It's really easy when you get along to do the 1153 01:03:02,560 --> 01:03:06,880 Speaker 1: logistics and transactions of life, but you can start to 1154 01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:12,280 Speaker 1: find yourself very sequestered from each other, but together and 1155 01:03:12,480 --> 01:03:17,080 Speaker 1: in rolls, but never going deeper. And so I think 1156 01:03:17,120 --> 01:03:19,640 Speaker 1: when you notice that either you're not growing or your 1157 01:03:19,760 --> 01:03:23,919 Speaker 1: partner's not growing, that's when it's really important to start 1158 01:03:24,000 --> 01:03:27,200 Speaker 1: turning toward one another. Yeah, that's so true. That's so true. 1159 01:03:27,240 --> 01:03:30,280 Speaker 1: I've always said, like for me right now, watching rather 1160 01:03:30,400 --> 01:03:32,160 Speaker 1: You grow is like my favorite thing in the world 1161 01:03:32,280 --> 01:03:35,080 Speaker 1: because she's almost just in the last eighteen months really 1162 01:03:35,160 --> 01:03:38,120 Speaker 1: discovered her purpose. She's always been very skilled and talented 1163 01:03:38,240 --> 01:03:40,560 Speaker 1: and had lots of strengths, but it was in this 1164 01:03:40,720 --> 01:03:43,840 Speaker 1: last eighteen months that I saw her really embrace herself. 1165 01:03:43,960 --> 01:03:47,720 Speaker 1: High five yeah, yeah, yeah, she really got to that point. Yeah, 1166 01:03:47,840 --> 01:03:51,280 Speaker 1: high five herself and to really claim that and own that. 1167 01:03:51,400 --> 01:03:53,960 Speaker 1: And it's the most fun things in your partner find that. 1168 01:03:54,040 --> 01:03:55,440 Speaker 1: And I was like, we're going to clear up your 1169 01:03:55,480 --> 01:03:57,360 Speaker 1: whole schedule so you can just do that because I 1170 01:03:57,440 --> 01:04:00,920 Speaker 1: see that that momentum's coming for you, and I think 1171 01:04:00,960 --> 01:04:03,200 Speaker 1: often what it is, and you talk about this. I 1172 01:04:03,280 --> 01:04:04,560 Speaker 1: have a few more questions I want to ask you, 1173 01:04:04,720 --> 01:04:08,480 Speaker 1: But it's this idea of often, even in our partners, 1174 01:04:08,520 --> 01:04:11,000 Speaker 1: you talk about jealousy. In chapter eight, you talk about 1175 01:04:11,000 --> 01:04:13,320 Speaker 1: a chapter which you call wise life so easy for 1176 01:04:13,400 --> 01:04:16,040 Speaker 1: them and not for me, And I've noticed that this 1177 01:04:16,240 --> 01:04:18,440 Speaker 1: sometimes can even creep I want to talk about it 1178 01:04:18,480 --> 01:04:20,560 Speaker 1: broadly but it can also creep into our own marriage. 1179 01:04:20,560 --> 01:04:23,720 Speaker 1: In relationship for sure, where people think, oh, well I do, 1180 01:04:24,160 --> 01:04:27,480 Speaker 1: and you know, there's there's pros and constants. So obviously 1181 01:04:27,760 --> 01:04:30,080 Speaker 1: in our life, I was the one who built my 1182 01:04:31,000 --> 01:04:33,200 Speaker 1: purpose and career and Riley was building her skills and 1183 01:04:33,280 --> 01:04:36,800 Speaker 1: her strengths. And it's so easy to get caught up 1184 01:04:36,800 --> 01:04:38,920 Speaker 1: in the mindset of well, I didn't have someone who 1185 01:04:39,080 --> 01:04:40,840 Speaker 1: is going to help me out when I started out 1186 01:04:40,840 --> 01:04:43,400 Speaker 1: because I didn't. And you can even have that in 1187 01:04:43,480 --> 01:04:46,800 Speaker 1: your own relationship, and it can be so poisonous and 1188 01:04:46,880 --> 01:04:49,720 Speaker 1: toxic in your own relationship. But you also talk about 1189 01:04:49,760 --> 01:04:52,040 Speaker 1: how jealousy can be used as a tool. Oh yeah, 1190 01:04:52,080 --> 01:04:53,800 Speaker 1: So I wanted to hear about that because I think 1191 01:04:53,840 --> 01:04:55,440 Speaker 1: we do live in a world today, whether it's in 1192 01:04:55,480 --> 01:04:58,760 Speaker 1: our own relationships, whether it's broadly, we always look, oh 1193 01:04:58,800 --> 01:05:00,760 Speaker 1: it's easy for them, it's not for me. Oh everything's 1194 01:05:00,760 --> 01:05:02,720 Speaker 1: working out for them. It's not for me. I work 1195 01:05:02,800 --> 01:05:05,040 Speaker 1: even harder than that person does, but dead winning, I'm not. 1196 01:05:05,280 --> 01:05:07,560 Speaker 1: I'm more talented and skilled in that person. But so 1197 01:05:07,960 --> 01:05:10,400 Speaker 1: when you're how do you use that as a tool? Okay, 1198 01:05:10,640 --> 01:05:12,480 Speaker 1: So I love that you asked us because this is 1199 01:05:12,560 --> 01:05:15,920 Speaker 1: a powerful tool. First of all, we all misunderstand jealousy. 1200 01:05:16,760 --> 01:05:19,080 Speaker 1: You think jealousy is hatred. That's not what it is. 1201 01:05:19,160 --> 01:05:22,760 Speaker 1: All jealousy's desire, That's all that it is. And when 1202 01:05:22,800 --> 01:05:24,720 Speaker 1: it starts to bubble up and consume you, and it 1203 01:05:24,840 --> 01:05:26,720 Speaker 1: used to consume me like crazy. I used to be 1204 01:05:26,880 --> 01:05:29,240 Speaker 1: just like that person that you were talking about, Jay, 1205 01:05:29,480 --> 01:05:33,120 Speaker 1: jealous of everybody. Jay. I hate Jay. Jay has a podcast, 1206 01:05:33,440 --> 01:05:35,560 Speaker 1: Oh for I hate Jay. Jay has been at this 1207 01:05:35,680 --> 01:05:38,040 Speaker 1: longer than Look at all those followers that Jay has. Oh, 1208 01:05:38,120 --> 01:05:40,120 Speaker 1: of course he lives in La of course he's got 1209 01:05:40,200 --> 01:05:41,800 Speaker 1: a sort of like I mean, I could just whoo 1210 01:05:42,480 --> 01:05:45,400 Speaker 1: spin it all. But here's the thing. This is the 1211 01:05:45,480 --> 01:05:49,680 Speaker 1: coolest part about jealousy. Ready, you cannot be jealous of 1212 01:05:49,840 --> 01:05:55,400 Speaker 1: someone or something that you don't truly desire. I'm not 1213 01:05:55,480 --> 01:05:57,480 Speaker 1: the least bit jealous of somebody who has the most 1214 01:05:57,520 --> 01:06:00,600 Speaker 1: extraordinary apartment in New York City. I don't want to 1215 01:06:00,640 --> 01:06:04,360 Speaker 1: live there. It's not meant for me. Jealousy is a clue, 1216 01:06:05,080 --> 01:06:08,120 Speaker 1: it's a directional signal. It's a dot on the map 1217 01:06:08,200 --> 01:06:11,880 Speaker 1: of your life, and the desire is blocked by fear 1218 01:06:12,520 --> 01:06:17,960 Speaker 1: or comparison, or insecurity or stress. Or whatever. And so 1219 01:06:18,320 --> 01:06:21,680 Speaker 1: when you start to recognize, oh, interesting, there's jealousy. Well, 1220 01:06:21,800 --> 01:06:25,400 Speaker 1: I'm jealous of Jay. He's got this incredible podcast that's 1221 01:06:25,440 --> 01:06:28,160 Speaker 1: reaching millions of people. He's making this huge difference. What 1222 01:06:28,440 --> 01:06:31,160 Speaker 1: is it about that? Is it about Ja? Yeah? No, 1223 01:06:31,400 --> 01:06:34,240 Speaker 1: but really what it's about is I've been wanting to 1224 01:06:34,360 --> 01:06:38,920 Speaker 1: do a podcast forever. So instead of aiming that jealousy 1225 01:06:39,040 --> 01:06:42,600 Speaker 1: out at the world or at myself, aim it into inspiration, 1226 01:06:43,240 --> 01:06:47,480 Speaker 1: Aim it into motivation. Recognize and give yourself permission that 1227 01:06:47,520 --> 01:06:50,000 Speaker 1: if you unpack whatever it is that you're jealous of, 1228 01:06:50,080 --> 01:06:52,040 Speaker 1: I'm jealous of their marriage. What is it about it? 1229 01:06:52,680 --> 01:06:55,200 Speaker 1: Is it the fact that they seem to have a 1230 01:06:55,280 --> 01:06:57,240 Speaker 1: date night? Is it the fact that they're really kind 1231 01:06:57,320 --> 01:07:00,640 Speaker 1: to each other? Explore it, lean into it, give yourself 1232 01:07:00,760 --> 01:07:04,400 Speaker 1: permission to have that thing, and then get off your 1233 01:07:04,440 --> 01:07:07,760 Speaker 1: ass and go make it happen. That's it, because here's 1234 01:07:07,760 --> 01:07:11,040 Speaker 1: the thing. Your jealousy is not going away, and it 1235 01:07:11,080 --> 01:07:15,440 Speaker 1: will either continue to consume you or you are going 1236 01:07:15,560 --> 01:07:18,480 Speaker 1: to blow the lid off that block desire and you 1237 01:07:18,600 --> 01:07:22,040 Speaker 1: are going to empower yourself to start moving toward what 1238 01:07:22,200 --> 01:07:25,400 Speaker 1: you want. That's how you do it. And again, this 1239 01:07:25,560 --> 01:07:27,720 Speaker 1: high five habit is so important because if you stand 1240 01:07:27,760 --> 01:07:29,720 Speaker 1: in front of the mirror and go I'm too late, 1241 01:07:30,000 --> 01:07:33,200 Speaker 1: I'd just be a copycat. All these people see you dumb, 1242 01:07:33,400 --> 01:07:35,960 Speaker 1: like this is what the beatdown is. If you go nope, 1243 01:07:36,120 --> 01:07:38,160 Speaker 1: you high five yourself. You're like, I see you. You 1244 01:07:38,360 --> 01:07:40,800 Speaker 1: are a little bit later than everybody else. Great, They're 1245 01:07:40,840 --> 01:07:44,360 Speaker 1: guideposts on the map of your life. All these people 1246 01:07:44,760 --> 01:07:49,160 Speaker 1: are your co creators. Everybody you're jealous of is literally 1247 01:07:49,720 --> 01:07:53,200 Speaker 1: somebody that is running point for you. But you haven't 1248 01:07:53,200 --> 01:07:59,680 Speaker 1: allowed yourself the permission to unpack it and actually question 1249 01:08:00,080 --> 01:08:03,320 Speaker 1: and go on an inquiry that's so rewarding of well, wow, 1250 01:08:03,800 --> 01:08:07,080 Speaker 1: what is really calling me about this? Yeah? I think 1251 01:08:07,120 --> 01:08:09,200 Speaker 1: that's so true. And I love seeing jealousy that way. 1252 01:08:09,240 --> 01:08:11,720 Speaker 1: And you said something there was really important that I 1253 01:08:11,800 --> 01:08:14,840 Speaker 1: want people to catch on if they didn't. Is jealousy 1254 01:08:14,960 --> 01:08:18,080 Speaker 1: is a tool when you're self aware, Like you are 1255 01:08:18,120 --> 01:08:20,840 Speaker 1: self aware, I don't want an apartment in New York. Hence, 1256 01:08:20,960 --> 01:08:22,720 Speaker 1: if someone has a stunning apartment in New York, I 1257 01:08:22,840 --> 01:08:26,080 Speaker 1: don't feel jealous. But a lot of us our jealousy 1258 01:08:26,240 --> 01:08:30,360 Speaker 1: is just scattered because we don't know what we want 1259 01:08:30,800 --> 01:08:33,760 Speaker 1: or what our dream truly is so, then everyone's dream 1260 01:08:33,920 --> 01:08:36,960 Speaker 1: feels exciting and better than ours. And that's why I 1261 01:08:37,040 --> 01:08:40,120 Speaker 1: think what you said is so true when people actually 1262 01:08:40,280 --> 01:08:42,280 Speaker 1: can develop a little bit of self awareness of what 1263 01:08:42,479 --> 01:08:45,240 Speaker 1: is my genuine dream, Because I remember I talk a 1264 01:08:45,280 --> 01:08:47,640 Speaker 1: lot about like when you don't find your purpose, you're 1265 01:08:47,720 --> 01:08:50,200 Speaker 1: jealous of everyone. And when you know your purpose, then 1266 01:08:50,200 --> 01:08:53,200 Speaker 1: you become jealous in your space of your purpose, and 1267 01:08:53,280 --> 01:08:55,880 Speaker 1: at least it narrows it down. But it's like when 1268 01:08:55,880 --> 01:08:57,120 Speaker 1: you don't know, It's like I could look at a 1269 01:08:57,160 --> 01:08:59,200 Speaker 1: singer and be like, oh I wish I could sing, like, 1270 01:08:59,400 --> 01:09:01,640 Speaker 1: oh I should have had that. Or if i'm and 1271 01:09:01,760 --> 01:09:03,320 Speaker 1: I know, I can't seem to save my life. So 1272 01:09:03,400 --> 01:09:06,400 Speaker 1: when I have that self awareness, I can detach. Okay, 1273 01:09:06,720 --> 01:09:08,640 Speaker 1: don't need to be jealous of Justin Bieber. I'm not 1274 01:09:08,800 --> 01:09:11,599 Speaker 1: Justin Bieber, That's okay, right, right, Or like Christiano Ronaldo, 1275 01:09:11,600 --> 01:09:14,120 Speaker 1: I love soccer, I adore soccer, but I was never 1276 01:09:14,240 --> 01:09:17,240 Speaker 1: good enough to play soccer in a for the Premier 1277 01:09:17,320 --> 01:09:19,320 Speaker 1: League club or whatever, So I can let go of that. 1278 01:09:19,400 --> 01:09:21,360 Speaker 1: And that's what I think self awareness is so important, 1279 01:09:21,439 --> 01:09:24,720 Speaker 1: is because otherwise jealousy will just drive you crazy. And 1280 01:09:25,000 --> 01:09:26,960 Speaker 1: I think that's where it starts that jealousy can be 1281 01:09:27,000 --> 01:09:29,719 Speaker 1: a tool when you actually know yourself well and jealousy, 1282 01:09:30,160 --> 01:09:32,840 Speaker 1: let's take this a step further, actually can help you 1283 01:09:32,920 --> 01:09:35,720 Speaker 1: know yourself. Yeah, because I think what Justin Bieber and 1284 01:09:36,160 --> 01:09:39,040 Speaker 1: you know the soccer player have in common is they 1285 01:09:39,080 --> 01:09:42,880 Speaker 1: are living full out. Yes, their life forces on display. Yes, 1286 01:09:43,080 --> 01:09:45,160 Speaker 1: that's what you're attracted to. Yes. And so if you 1287 01:09:45,240 --> 01:09:47,800 Speaker 1: were to even take all your scattered jealousy and sit 1288 01:09:47,880 --> 01:09:50,519 Speaker 1: with a cup of amazing tea and calm yourself down, 1289 01:09:50,640 --> 01:09:53,080 Speaker 1: and you know, like we haven't even talked about high 1290 01:09:53,080 --> 01:09:55,240 Speaker 1: fiving your heart, which is a way to be flip 1291 01:09:55,360 --> 01:09:57,560 Speaker 1: your nervous system into a calm state and map it 1292 01:09:57,640 --> 01:10:00,400 Speaker 1: all out and be like, oh, interesting, all the people 1293 01:10:00,439 --> 01:10:02,800 Speaker 1: that I'm jealous of that I follow online, that I 1294 01:10:02,880 --> 01:10:06,559 Speaker 1: obsess over, that I like their posts, it's their life force. Yeah, 1295 01:10:06,760 --> 01:10:11,559 Speaker 1: it's their artistry, yes, yes, And so that is there 1296 01:10:11,720 --> 01:10:14,280 Speaker 1: is there is a common theme there, and it can 1297 01:10:14,479 --> 01:10:17,479 Speaker 1: help you gain the self awareness. Absolutely. I want to 1298 01:10:17,479 --> 01:10:19,439 Speaker 1: ask you one last question before we get the final five. 1299 01:10:19,960 --> 01:10:22,920 Speaker 1: This is about a chapter that you call how about 1300 01:10:22,960 --> 01:10:26,880 Speaker 1: I start tomorrow? And I love this because I think 1301 01:10:27,439 --> 01:10:29,120 Speaker 1: so many people will be listening to this and be like, Okay, 1302 01:10:29,160 --> 01:10:31,720 Speaker 1: tomorrow I'm going to start doing yes and and that's 1303 01:10:31,840 --> 01:10:34,479 Speaker 1: you know, we all know that. Okay, next Monday, Okay, no, 1304 01:10:34,840 --> 01:10:38,559 Speaker 1: twenty twenty two. I'm gonna read this book January twenty 1305 01:10:38,680 --> 01:10:42,920 Speaker 1: twenty two. Right, people, we start thinking like that, tell 1306 01:10:43,040 --> 01:10:48,120 Speaker 1: us about how that mindset doesn't help us do it tomorrow? Yeah? 1307 01:10:48,160 --> 01:10:52,120 Speaker 1: Are you kid? So? First of all, motivation is complete garbage. 1308 01:10:52,200 --> 01:10:54,519 Speaker 1: Everybody's sitting around waiting to feel like a jay. And 1309 01:10:54,600 --> 01:10:56,880 Speaker 1: this is a recipe for never seeing your dreams come 1310 01:10:56,920 --> 01:10:59,080 Speaker 1: true and dying with a lot of regret. Thank you 1311 01:10:59,200 --> 01:11:01,360 Speaker 1: very much, welcome to my TED talk. This has been 1312 01:11:01,439 --> 01:11:06,280 Speaker 1: very inspiring. Now, seriously, I want you to understand that 1313 01:11:06,400 --> 01:11:09,840 Speaker 1: you will never feel ready to do things that scare you. 1314 01:11:10,600 --> 01:11:13,200 Speaker 1: You will never feel ready to jump off the cliff. 1315 01:11:13,800 --> 01:11:17,000 Speaker 1: You will never feel ready to take that leap. And 1316 01:11:17,160 --> 01:11:19,840 Speaker 1: the reason why is based on science and research. Your 1317 01:11:19,880 --> 01:11:23,599 Speaker 1: brain is designed to protect you and change requires risk, 1318 01:11:24,240 --> 01:11:27,839 Speaker 1: and so you are protecting yourself by saying maybe tomorrow. 1319 01:11:28,280 --> 01:11:30,760 Speaker 1: This is where the five second rule comes in superhandy. 1320 01:11:31,240 --> 01:11:34,880 Speaker 1: So if you are constantly procrastinating, you probably have a 1321 01:11:34,920 --> 01:11:37,960 Speaker 1: bias towards thinking, and you can use the five second 1322 01:11:38,040 --> 01:11:41,240 Speaker 1: rule to literally push yourself to take action. All you're 1323 01:11:41,280 --> 01:11:43,439 Speaker 1: going to do is count backwards five four three two one. 1324 01:11:43,680 --> 01:11:45,840 Speaker 1: That's it. I know. It's as dumb as the high five. 1325 01:11:46,160 --> 01:11:48,520 Speaker 1: It's as simple as the high five. It has profound 1326 01:11:48,840 --> 01:11:51,000 Speaker 1: research behind it because what you're doing when you start 1327 01:11:51,080 --> 01:11:53,880 Speaker 1: counting backwards and you have to count backwards, it does 1328 01:11:53,960 --> 01:11:57,120 Speaker 1: not work. If you count up, doesn't work because counting 1329 01:11:57,160 --> 01:12:00,400 Speaker 1: backwards five four three two one requires you to focus. 1330 01:12:01,000 --> 01:12:03,679 Speaker 1: When you focus, you flip the switch and your prefrontal 1331 01:12:03,720 --> 01:12:07,480 Speaker 1: cortex turns on. This is a starting ritual that interrupts 1332 01:12:07,520 --> 01:12:11,320 Speaker 1: the patterns of overthinking, a fear, of anxiety, of procrastination, 1333 01:12:11,400 --> 01:12:14,200 Speaker 1: of comparison that are making you go at tomorrow not today. 1334 01:12:14,280 --> 01:12:16,320 Speaker 1: I don't feel like it five four three two one. 1335 01:12:16,760 --> 01:12:18,920 Speaker 1: Your prefrontal cortex turns on. That's a part of the 1336 01:12:18,960 --> 01:12:22,760 Speaker 1: brain you need to either learn new behavior or take 1337 01:12:22,800 --> 01:12:26,040 Speaker 1: action that's inspired. So now when you get to one, 1338 01:12:26,439 --> 01:12:29,040 Speaker 1: you got a shot at doing something different. So move. 1339 01:12:29,520 --> 01:12:32,640 Speaker 1: And here's the real secret to this. The second you 1340 01:12:32,720 --> 01:12:36,280 Speaker 1: started counting, you actually made a decision to change. So 1341 01:12:36,439 --> 01:12:39,000 Speaker 1: the counting is the trojan horse to the bigger thing. 1342 01:12:39,040 --> 01:12:42,160 Speaker 1: You're avoiding five four three two one launches you through 1343 01:12:42,240 --> 01:12:46,519 Speaker 1: the resistance, and it pushes you into action. That's the 1344 01:12:46,640 --> 01:12:50,120 Speaker 1: only way you're going to change. Sitting there listening to us, 1345 01:12:50,360 --> 01:12:52,240 Speaker 1: Lightning is not going to strike you on the couch. 1346 01:12:52,360 --> 01:12:54,080 Speaker 1: Jay and I are not going to show up and 1347 01:12:54,400 --> 01:12:56,200 Speaker 1: kick you or drag you out of your house and 1348 01:12:56,280 --> 01:12:58,679 Speaker 1: make you on that run. If you want to change 1349 01:12:58,720 --> 01:13:03,080 Speaker 1: your life, make a decision to change your life. And 1350 01:13:03,240 --> 01:13:05,559 Speaker 1: you know, I'm going to say something that I really 1351 01:13:05,680 --> 01:13:08,920 Speaker 1: hope happens from you listening to Jay and I today. 1352 01:13:09,520 --> 01:13:11,719 Speaker 1: I think it's very easy to sit in this moment 1353 01:13:11,960 --> 01:13:14,719 Speaker 1: in your life and to look back at your life 1354 01:13:15,160 --> 01:13:17,320 Speaker 1: and to see how everything that's ever happened to you, 1355 01:13:17,439 --> 01:13:19,600 Speaker 1: positive and negative, is a dot on the map of 1356 01:13:19,680 --> 01:13:23,240 Speaker 1: your life that has led you here. True power is 1357 01:13:23,320 --> 01:13:25,599 Speaker 1: knowing that this moment right here is also a dot 1358 01:13:25,680 --> 01:13:29,160 Speaker 1: on your map, and that this moment, too, is connecting 1359 01:13:29,200 --> 01:13:33,439 Speaker 1: you forward on the map of your life towards something 1360 01:13:33,640 --> 01:13:38,240 Speaker 1: extraordinary that hasn't happened yet. And you can either sit 1361 01:13:38,320 --> 01:13:40,920 Speaker 1: here and listen to this and let this dot come 1362 01:13:40,960 --> 01:13:44,400 Speaker 1: and go, or you can wake the heck up and 1363 01:13:44,600 --> 01:13:47,880 Speaker 1: realize at some point the map takes you to a 1364 01:13:47,960 --> 01:13:51,000 Speaker 1: final destination, and we don't know when that is. But 1365 01:13:51,120 --> 01:13:52,600 Speaker 1: if you want to change your life, you've got to 1366 01:13:52,640 --> 01:13:55,240 Speaker 1: make a decision to change your life, and sitting around 1367 01:13:55,280 --> 01:13:57,240 Speaker 1: and waiting to feel ready is not the decision I 1368 01:13:57,320 --> 01:13:59,800 Speaker 1: want you to make. So when you're done listening to 1369 01:13:59,880 --> 01:14:02,840 Speaker 1: the five four, three, two one, I want you to 1370 01:14:02,920 --> 01:14:06,200 Speaker 1: turn toward that thing that you've always dreamt of, that 1371 01:14:06,280 --> 01:14:09,040 Speaker 1: you've been waiting to do, and you go and you 1372 01:14:09,200 --> 01:14:11,519 Speaker 1: move toward the thing that is meant for you, because 1373 01:14:11,560 --> 01:14:13,960 Speaker 1: that's the only way you're going to get there. The 1374 01:14:14,040 --> 01:14:18,280 Speaker 1: one and only Mel robins everyone the high five habit. Mel. 1375 01:14:18,400 --> 01:14:21,759 Speaker 1: We end every episode with the final five, which suits 1376 01:14:21,800 --> 01:14:24,240 Speaker 1: you perfectly. With the five second rule and the high 1377 01:14:24,280 --> 01:14:27,200 Speaker 1: five five, it's like we planned it and this is 1378 01:14:27,240 --> 01:14:30,040 Speaker 1: our fast five. Every questions be answered in one word 1379 01:14:30,479 --> 01:14:33,719 Speaker 1: to one sentence. Okay, so I give one yeah, okay. 1380 01:14:33,720 --> 01:14:36,120 Speaker 1: So the first question is, what is the best advice 1381 01:14:36,160 --> 01:14:39,200 Speaker 1: you've ever received? Never leave a bathroom without high fiving 1382 01:14:39,240 --> 01:14:41,439 Speaker 1: yourself in a mirror. I love it all right. Question 1383 01:14:41,520 --> 01:14:44,080 Speaker 1: number two, what is the worst advice you've ever received? 1384 01:14:44,520 --> 01:14:47,960 Speaker 1: Someone else can make you happy. Absolutely, They can make 1385 01:14:48,000 --> 01:14:49,800 Speaker 1: you a cup of coffee. Yeah, I can't make you happy. 1386 01:14:49,880 --> 01:14:53,320 Speaker 1: A lot of people hear that. It's very true. I 1387 01:14:53,400 --> 01:14:55,040 Speaker 1: didn't get to ask you this, probably, but I want 1388 01:14:55,080 --> 01:14:57,400 Speaker 1: to hear about it. Tell us about high fiving your 1389 01:14:57,760 --> 01:15:00,280 Speaker 1: hand on your heart. Oh, this is incredible. So this 1390 01:15:00,439 --> 01:15:04,160 Speaker 1: comes from research from doctor Judy Willis. And this is 1391 01:15:04,200 --> 01:15:07,040 Speaker 1: why this is so important right now. I think everybody's 1392 01:15:07,080 --> 01:15:08,920 Speaker 1: nervous system is in a state or fight or flight. 1393 01:15:09,360 --> 01:15:12,799 Speaker 1: If you feel constantly exhausted, stressed out, you can't focus, 1394 01:15:13,960 --> 01:15:16,080 Speaker 1: you're on edge, you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, 1395 01:15:16,120 --> 01:15:19,400 Speaker 1: and honestly, what we've just lived through, that human body 1396 01:15:19,680 --> 01:15:23,240 Speaker 1: is not built to sustain that level of uncertainty for 1397 01:15:23,360 --> 01:15:26,439 Speaker 1: that amount of time. So what you're going to do 1398 01:15:26,680 --> 01:15:29,120 Speaker 1: to high five your heart is we're going to teach 1399 01:15:29,160 --> 01:15:32,439 Speaker 1: you how to flip off your fight or flight nervous 1400 01:15:32,439 --> 01:15:37,599 Speaker 1: system and flip on your parasympathetic, calm, cool nervous system. 1401 01:15:38,160 --> 01:15:39,840 Speaker 1: And so here's how you do. It's very simple. You're 1402 01:15:39,840 --> 01:15:41,960 Speaker 1: gonna take your hands and push them on the center 1403 01:15:42,000 --> 01:15:44,240 Speaker 1: of your chest, and you're gonna take a deep breath, 1404 01:15:46,760 --> 01:15:49,320 Speaker 1: blow it out, and then you're going to repeat these 1405 01:15:49,439 --> 01:15:54,599 Speaker 1: three sentences. I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm safe, 1406 01:15:55,080 --> 01:15:59,120 Speaker 1: I'm loved, I'm loved. And some mornings you might need 1407 01:15:59,160 --> 01:16:03,240 Speaker 1: to do it fifty three times. What's happening and what 1408 01:16:03,320 --> 01:16:05,920 Speaker 1: do you feel? Jay? When you do that? I feel, 1409 01:16:06,040 --> 01:16:07,920 Speaker 1: I mean, on a physical level, I feel like my 1410 01:16:08,000 --> 01:16:10,639 Speaker 1: heart right slowing down. I feel like my body's become 1411 01:16:10,640 --> 01:16:15,560 Speaker 1: more relaxed in an emotional or mental capacity, I just 1412 01:16:15,680 --> 01:16:18,200 Speaker 1: feel I send some more stone as sense of more 1413 01:16:19,000 --> 01:16:23,480 Speaker 1: clarity and certainty. Exactly what you're doing on a scientific 1414 01:16:23,600 --> 01:16:26,559 Speaker 1: level is you're tapping into a treasure in your body 1415 01:16:26,600 --> 01:16:29,120 Speaker 1: called the vegas nerve. Now you talk about this all 1416 01:16:29,160 --> 01:16:31,080 Speaker 1: the time. It runs from your seat to the top 1417 01:16:31,160 --> 01:16:33,559 Speaker 1: of your head, through every major organ, through your vocal cords. 1418 01:16:33,920 --> 01:16:36,200 Speaker 1: There are lots of ways you can strength strengthen the 1419 01:16:36,280 --> 01:16:39,720 Speaker 1: vegas nerve. It is the on off switch between your 1420 01:16:39,840 --> 01:16:44,000 Speaker 1: stressed out nervous system and your cool, grounded one. And 1421 01:16:44,160 --> 01:16:46,320 Speaker 1: so every morning, I want you to high five your heart. 1422 01:16:47,040 --> 01:16:49,080 Speaker 1: I want you to take a deep breath and start 1423 01:16:49,160 --> 01:16:52,120 Speaker 1: your day by saying I am okay, I'm safe, and 1424 01:16:52,200 --> 01:16:55,000 Speaker 1: I'm loved, and repeat it, and repeat it and repeat 1425 01:16:55,000 --> 01:16:57,840 Speaker 1: it until you feel yourself come back into your body, 1426 01:16:59,120 --> 01:17:02,720 Speaker 1: you feel the stress level decrease. And the fact of 1427 01:17:02,760 --> 01:17:05,799 Speaker 1: the matter is if you can hear yourself even thinking 1428 01:17:05,920 --> 01:17:09,519 Speaker 1: those three sentences, it's true. We had a woman who 1429 01:17:10,080 --> 01:17:12,559 Speaker 1: wrote to us from a homeless or of domestic violence shelter, 1430 01:17:13,439 --> 01:17:18,120 Speaker 1: and she said that she's had tremendous childhood abuse. She's 1431 01:17:18,200 --> 01:17:22,519 Speaker 1: just escaped a very abusive relationship. She's lost everything. She said, 1432 01:17:22,760 --> 01:17:25,080 Speaker 1: for five days, she's been waking up and high fiving 1433 01:17:25,080 --> 01:17:28,960 Speaker 1: her heart, telling herself that I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. 1434 01:17:29,840 --> 01:17:32,280 Speaker 1: She's been starting her day with a high five in 1435 01:17:32,320 --> 01:17:36,080 Speaker 1: the mirror. And she said, after just five days, I 1436 01:17:36,240 --> 01:17:38,240 Speaker 1: realize I have a very long road ahead of me. 1437 01:17:39,200 --> 01:17:42,840 Speaker 1: But now I know at least I still have myself. Wow, 1438 01:17:44,000 --> 01:17:48,400 Speaker 1: it's incredible. It's absolutely beautiful. It's funny because when I 1439 01:17:48,520 --> 01:17:50,760 Speaker 1: was reading by then the book, I didn't realize it. 1440 01:17:50,840 --> 01:17:53,519 Speaker 1: So I have a habit of that's probably one of 1441 01:17:53,600 --> 01:17:57,160 Speaker 1: my go to hand gestures in my day to day life, 1442 01:17:57,880 --> 01:18:00,240 Speaker 1: and I do it usually when someone thank me. So 1443 01:18:00,240 --> 01:18:02,200 Speaker 1: if I bump into someone on the street and they're like, hey, Ja, 1444 01:18:02,280 --> 01:18:04,000 Speaker 1: I listen to the podcast, I really love it, i'd 1445 01:18:04,040 --> 01:18:05,640 Speaker 1: always say thank you, so much like, that's a very 1446 01:18:05,720 --> 01:18:08,479 Speaker 1: nat that's what I read about it. I was like, 1447 01:18:08,479 --> 01:18:10,000 Speaker 1: I didn't know about I do it because it's just 1448 01:18:10,120 --> 01:18:12,280 Speaker 1: a natural thing for me. But I literally put an 1449 01:18:12,439 --> 01:18:13,800 Speaker 1: I'd be like, thank you so much. That means the 1450 01:18:13,880 --> 01:18:16,400 Speaker 1: world to me. I'm so grateful for that. Like, that's 1451 01:18:16,560 --> 01:18:18,880 Speaker 1: that's and I do that all the time. It's it's 1452 01:18:18,920 --> 01:18:22,759 Speaker 1: like my go to hand gesture. Not that I've trained 1453 01:18:22,800 --> 01:18:25,080 Speaker 1: it or thought of it subconsciously been what I've done. 1454 01:18:25,400 --> 01:18:27,559 Speaker 1: And now that I know that it does that, I'm like, wow, 1455 01:18:27,640 --> 01:18:30,479 Speaker 1: Like it's it's incredible to think that some of these 1456 01:18:30,520 --> 01:18:34,920 Speaker 1: things actually happened quite subconsciously and you know, naturally. So anyway, 1457 01:18:34,960 --> 01:18:37,320 Speaker 1: that was something I had to ask about. Okay, question 1458 01:18:37,439 --> 01:18:42,360 Speaker 1: number four what is how would you define your current purpose? Oh, 1459 01:18:43,240 --> 01:18:48,120 Speaker 1: it's a cracking the wall of darkness that people live 1460 01:18:48,200 --> 01:18:50,920 Speaker 1: in and letting a little light in. And the fifth 1461 01:18:51,000 --> 01:18:54,120 Speaker 1: and final question, if you could create one rule or 1462 01:18:54,280 --> 01:18:57,320 Speaker 1: law or have it that everyone in the world had 1463 01:18:57,400 --> 01:19:00,680 Speaker 1: to follow, what would it be. I'm not sure it 1464 01:19:00,760 --> 01:19:03,920 Speaker 1: would definitely be because of the impact in my life. 1465 01:19:04,160 --> 01:19:06,559 Speaker 1: Never leave a bathroom without high fiving the human being 1466 01:19:06,600 --> 01:19:08,800 Speaker 1: you see in the mirror. Yeah, I love that I'm 1467 01:19:08,840 --> 01:19:12,000 Speaker 1: going to be doing it every day, this week and forever. 1468 01:19:12,120 --> 01:19:14,519 Speaker 1: I'm going to hope that it continues to last and 1469 01:19:14,680 --> 01:19:17,240 Speaker 1: last and last as a habit. But I'm so grateful 1470 01:19:17,240 --> 01:19:18,840 Speaker 1: to you, Mal. We could talk for hours. There's so 1471 01:19:18,960 --> 01:19:21,840 Speaker 1: much more in this book to unpack, and I want 1472 01:19:21,880 --> 01:19:24,280 Speaker 1: every single person who's been listening or watching this podcast 1473 01:19:24,560 --> 01:19:25,960 Speaker 1: to go out and grab a copy of the High 1474 01:19:25,960 --> 01:19:29,519 Speaker 1: five Habit. Take control of your life with one simple habit. 1475 01:19:29,920 --> 01:19:32,639 Speaker 1: As Mals talked about this podcast, there are way more 1476 01:19:32,680 --> 01:19:35,160 Speaker 1: than one habit inside this book. It's not just one habit. 1477 01:19:35,439 --> 01:19:38,200 Speaker 1: There are so many beautiful gems. And I always believe 1478 01:19:38,240 --> 01:19:40,800 Speaker 1: when you deeply study a habit, it becomes easier to 1479 01:19:40,960 --> 01:19:43,320 Speaker 1: implement it. You can hear about something, or read about 1480 01:19:43,360 --> 01:19:46,360 Speaker 1: an article, or hear that little nugget of wisdom, But 1481 01:19:46,720 --> 01:19:50,599 Speaker 1: if you study a habit, the implementation is that much deeper. Mel, 1482 01:19:50,800 --> 01:19:55,800 Speaker 1: you have a High five challenge. Yes, yes, Jay's going 1483 01:19:55,880 --> 01:19:57,640 Speaker 1: to do it. So it's a five day challenge to 1484 01:19:57,720 --> 01:20:01,000 Speaker 1: help you break through and wipe away the dust on 1485 01:20:01,280 --> 01:20:03,400 Speaker 1: or the mud in my case, with the elbow grease 1486 01:20:03,800 --> 01:20:08,400 Speaker 1: on the mirror. And it's five days of literally teaching 1487 01:20:08,640 --> 01:20:11,719 Speaker 1: and tools. And here's the best part, a massive global 1488 01:20:11,760 --> 01:20:14,639 Speaker 1: community that's going to be high fiving you back. It's free. 1489 01:20:15,240 --> 01:20:17,600 Speaker 1: Come play with us, come be with us. Let us 1490 01:20:17,640 --> 01:20:19,639 Speaker 1: give you the lift that you need right now, because 1491 01:20:19,680 --> 01:20:22,679 Speaker 1: you not only need it, you deserve it. That's amazing. 1492 01:20:22,840 --> 01:20:25,040 Speaker 1: Thank you everyone who's been listening watching. I want to 1493 01:20:25,040 --> 01:20:27,520 Speaker 1: make sure that you tag me and Mel on Instagram 1494 01:20:27,640 --> 01:20:30,720 Speaker 1: with all the reflections, all the insights, anything that Mel 1495 01:20:30,800 --> 01:20:33,800 Speaker 1: said that resonated with you. Please tag Mel and I 1496 01:20:33,960 --> 01:20:36,840 Speaker 1: on Instagram, on Twitter, on Facebook, whatever platform you're on. 1497 01:20:37,280 --> 01:20:40,120 Speaker 1: We love seeing what resonated. Do you what connected with you? 1498 01:20:40,479 --> 01:20:43,160 Speaker 1: And don't forget you can help someone else with this 1499 01:20:43,240 --> 01:20:46,200 Speaker 1: by just passing it on, Just simply sharing it is 1500 01:20:46,280 --> 01:20:48,519 Speaker 1: you taking part in impacting the world and improving the 1501 01:20:48,560 --> 01:20:51,160 Speaker 1: world around you. Share it your mother, your father or sister, 1502 01:20:51,280 --> 01:20:54,720 Speaker 1: a friend, a partner, or your children. It could be 1503 01:20:54,720 --> 01:20:57,519 Speaker 1: an amazing habit to them for them to train, just 1504 01:20:57,640 --> 01:20:59,800 Speaker 1: starting right now. Imagine they had this since they were 1505 01:21:00,160 --> 01:21:02,120 Speaker 1: five or six, or seven or ten. It could be 1506 01:21:02,200 --> 01:21:05,559 Speaker 1: amazing to see where it goes for them. So please 1507 01:21:05,640 --> 01:21:08,080 Speaker 1: do not deprive anyone of the growth that's possible for 1508 01:21:08,160 --> 01:21:11,920 Speaker 1: them by resisting pressing share or passing this along to 1509 01:21:12,000 --> 01:21:14,559 Speaker 1: a friend. Well, thank you so much again for making 1510 01:21:14,560 --> 01:21:16,800 Speaker 1: the effort to be with us physically, for writing this 1511 01:21:16,920 --> 01:21:19,960 Speaker 1: beautiful book, showing up in the way that you do, 1512 01:21:20,120 --> 01:21:22,080 Speaker 1: and sharing your energy. And I'm so grateful that we 1513 01:21:22,160 --> 01:21:24,280 Speaker 1: got I'm doing it now. I'm so grateful that we 1514 01:21:24,400 --> 01:21:26,920 Speaker 1: got to spend this time together. And I am so 1515 01:21:27,160 --> 01:21:29,120 Speaker 1: excited for this to get out into the world. I 1516 01:21:29,200 --> 01:21:32,000 Speaker 1: can't believe the impact it's already had and the impact 1517 01:21:32,040 --> 01:21:34,680 Speaker 1: that it's going to have. So, as Brendan would say, 1518 01:21:34,720 --> 01:21:37,720 Speaker 1: I send something amazing it's about to happen. Thank you, 1519 01:21:38,680 --> 01:21:40,759 Speaker 1: and thank you for being one of those people ahead 1520 01:21:40,760 --> 01:21:42,519 Speaker 1: of me that I used to be jealous but I 1521 01:21:42,720 --> 01:21:46,720 Speaker 1: now see is a light on the path. I love you. 1522 01:21:47,720 --> 01:21:51,280 Speaker 1: I love you. It is such a joy to watch 1523 01:21:51,360 --> 01:21:53,680 Speaker 1: you live your purpose and light the way for so 1524 01:21:54,520 --> 01:21:57,599 Speaker 1: many of us. I am honored to be your friend 1525 01:21:58,120 --> 01:22:01,519 Speaker 1: and to walk beside you and celebrate you every step 1526 01:22:01,600 --> 01:22:05,600 Speaker 1: of the way. I love it. I love it, and 1527 01:22:05,680 --> 01:22:08,519 Speaker 1: it's actually totally the opposite way around I made. I 1528 01:22:08,680 --> 01:22:11,680 Speaker 1: made a really important decision about a company that I 1529 01:22:11,760 --> 01:22:15,320 Speaker 1: worked with based on you. Oh there was a great 1530 01:22:15,320 --> 01:22:18,680 Speaker 1: one and so and so we could talk, but there was. 1531 01:22:18,760 --> 01:22:23,160 Speaker 1: The admiration was very mutual. I was I loved what 1532 01:22:23,439 --> 01:22:25,200 Speaker 1: was happening in your world, in your career, and I 1533 01:22:25,320 --> 01:22:28,200 Speaker 1: made decisions based on that. So awesome. I just want 1534 01:22:28,240 --> 01:22:29,920 Speaker 1: you to know that, thank you, thank you, thank you. 1535 01:22:30,200 --> 01:22:32,880 Speaker 1: If you want even more videos just like this one, 1536 01:22:33,000 --> 01:22:35,720 Speaker 1: make sure you subscribe and click on the boxes over here. 1537 01:22:36,120 --> 01:22:38,400 Speaker 1: I'm also excited to let you know that you can 1538 01:22:38,560 --> 01:22:41,920 Speaker 1: now get my book, Think Like a Monk from Think 1539 01:22:41,960 --> 01:22:45,400 Speaker 1: Like a monkbook dot Com. Check below in the description 1540 01:22:45,560 --> 01:22:46,840 Speaker 1: to make sure you ordered today.