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Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Wide Open with

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Speaker 1: Ashlyn Harris. Today we are joined by the relationship coach, teacher, writer,

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Speaker 1: and fellow podcaster Jillian Tareki.

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Speaker 2: Jillian, welcome to the show. So nice to have you.

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Speaker 3: Oh, thank you for having me. I'm honored to be here.

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Speaker 4: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: Well, if you don't know, Jillian has her own show,

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Speaker 1: Jillian on Love. She also just launched just your new

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Speaker 1: book actually just came out maybe not too long ago,

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Speaker 1: right a week.

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Speaker 3: Two weeks, two weeks ago, and I hit the New

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Speaker 3: York Times bestseller list.

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Speaker 1: Congrats that think you absolutely incredible. The title of the

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Speaker 1: book is it begins with you the Nine Hard Truths

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Speaker 1: about Love that will change your life. So just to

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Speaker 1: start off, please, you know, tell me, tell me about

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Speaker 1: this book, tell me about the nine hard truths that

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Speaker 1: some of our listeners who haven't read. Maybe just a

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Speaker 1: quick little summary of what you're doing, why you chose

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Speaker 1: to do.

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Speaker 2: It, and then we can kind of dive in from there.

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Speaker 3: Okay, great. So twenty six years ago I discovered yoga

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Speaker 3: and became an avid practitioner and have been ever since.

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Speaker 3: And I wanted to teach it, so I started teaching

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Speaker 3: it I realized that, you know, I wasn't just helping

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Speaker 3: people do these things with their body. I was helping

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Speaker 3: people heal their relationship with themselves and to change their

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Speaker 3: relationship with themselves. Because the practice of yoga is really

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Speaker 3: the study of the mind, and so so my curiosity

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Speaker 3: and really what became an obsession of the mind and

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Speaker 3: relationships started many years ago, and so I didn't really

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Speaker 3: know where this was going to take me. And I

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Speaker 3: also wanted to at the traditional route. I wanted to

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Speaker 3: get married and have kids and do that whole thing.

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Speaker 3: And so I met the man who would become my

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Speaker 3: husband and then later on my ex husband. And I

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Speaker 3: always say that our relationship was about ninety percent on

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Speaker 3: point and great before we got married, and ten percent problematic.

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Speaker 3: And you could think, or you could say, well, ten percent,

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Speaker 3: that's actually, that's not that large, but the ten percent

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Speaker 3: was so profound and so problematic, and so when we

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Speaker 3: got married, the ten percent became the ninety percent. Wow,

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Speaker 3: and it flipped and the ninety percent became the ten percent,

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Speaker 3: And it was a very difficult two years of marriage.

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Speaker 4: And the story.

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Speaker 3: That led me to the book and led me to

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Speaker 3: why I'm sitting here today is because one June second

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Speaker 3: in twenty fourteen, I woke up to a miscarriage and

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Speaker 3: he texted me from work saying that he wasn't coming home,

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Speaker 3: so he broke up with me over text. At the

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Speaker 3: same time, I just learned that my mom had about

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Speaker 3: two months to live because she had terminal accountcer. So

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Speaker 3: I entered a very depressive, dark night of the soul,

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Speaker 3: and I became obsessed with two questions. One was how

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Speaker 3: the hell am I going to get myself out of

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Speaker 3: this hole that I'm in? And then two, what does

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Speaker 3: it take to make a relationship thrive? I became obsessed

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Speaker 3: because I was obsessed, and by the fact that I

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Speaker 3: was in this position, I felt like my world was ending.

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Speaker 4: And it was.

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Speaker 3: And so I went on this journey and got certified

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Speaker 3: as a coach and started working with thousands of people

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Speaker 3: just because I had to create some meaning out of

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Speaker 3: the catastrophe that was my life at the time. And

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Speaker 3: so I worked with many, many people, couples, singles. I

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Speaker 3: worked like a crazy person.

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Speaker 4: And then someone.

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Speaker 3: Said you should write a book, and I was like,

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Speaker 3: you know what, maybe I should And here we are.

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Speaker 1: Wow, that is beautiful, and I thank you for your

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Speaker 1: vulnerability and saying that because I'm sure that's not easy

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Speaker 1: to share your life.

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Speaker 2: Struggles with the world.

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Speaker 1: But you're healing people as you discover yourself, which I

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Speaker 1: think is admirable and I'm grateful for as someone who

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Speaker 1: recently just went through a divorce, your teachings and your

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Speaker 1: dedication to your craft touches me very.

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Speaker 2: Deeply, and.

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Speaker 1: I am so happy to be able to dive into

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Speaker 1: some of these, you know, discussing relationships, their challenges, and

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Speaker 1: how we actually work on ourselves to better who we are,

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Speaker 1: but how we show up in terms of our relationships

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Speaker 1: and our partners. You know, I'm a very firm believe

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Speaker 1: advocate for sharing your scars so other people don't have

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Speaker 1: to experience.

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Speaker 2: The same pain.

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Speaker 1: Yes, and with that, I always ask a very important

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Speaker 1: question at the top of the show, which I know

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Speaker 1: you just shared so beautifully. But maybe I'll be wrong

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Speaker 1: and that's not the moment that broke you wide open.

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Speaker 1: But the reason why this show is called wide Open

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Speaker 1: is really expressing the vulnerability of the moments that made us.

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Speaker 2: Who we are today.

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Speaker 1: Clearly, your pain and struggle throughout what you have experienced

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Speaker 1: has made your lessons and your teachings real and that's

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Speaker 1: what makes you so great. But I am curious and

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Speaker 1: I ask this often.

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Speaker 2: What moment in your.

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Speaker 1: Life really split you wide open that changed everything?

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Speaker 4: I would say that.

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Speaker 3: I would probably say the death of my mom. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: I think that changed everything in my life. And obviously

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Speaker 3: waited by the fact that I was also going through

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Speaker 3: the separation and divorce and sort of mourning the fact

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Speaker 3: that I would never have a family, and then also

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Speaker 3: making the decision to not have a family because I

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Speaker 3: could have really gotten more. I could have just said,

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Speaker 3: you know, when you want something, you kind of go

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Speaker 3: for it. But yeah, I would say the death of

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Speaker 3: my mom changed everything. I grew up with a very

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Speaker 3: mentally ill father. I mean, he was very accomplished in

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Speaker 3: his field, in the field of psychiatry, but he had

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Speaker 3: severe bipolar He actually was, you know, diagnosed with narcissistic

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Speaker 3: personality disorder.

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Speaker 5: And he was very.

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Speaker 3: It was very hard growing up with him because I

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Speaker 3: was also very sensitive, and so I grew up very

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Speaker 3: attached to my mom and so losing her at too

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Speaker 3: young of an age felt like I had no choice

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Speaker 3: but to really learn how to take care of myself

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Speaker 3: in multiple ways. And that's a good thing in many ways.

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Speaker 4: But that's the thing that that changed my life forever.

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Speaker 1: Oh wow. And I would love for you to expand

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Speaker 1: on that a little bit because I have a feeling

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Speaker 1: your life story and your journey has built you for

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Speaker 1: this moment of teaching, yes, and profound teaching. So I'm curious, like,

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Speaker 1: what was it like growing up as a child of

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Speaker 1: two immigrants who put all of this focus.

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Speaker 2: On the American dream. You've got to do this, You've

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Speaker 2: got to do that, and here you are.

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Speaker 1: You know, your life changed very quickly, and not by

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Speaker 1: your own merit, unfortunately, by someone else's.

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Speaker 2: I'm curious of your how you.

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Speaker 1: Were as a child, how these life experiences built you

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Speaker 1: for this moment and time.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it's a good question.

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Speaker 3: Well I think well, one of my strengths since I

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Speaker 3: was a child was beating to my own drum. So

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Speaker 3: I the American dream. You know, when you're raised by immigrants,

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Speaker 3: and especially of a specific generation that my parents were,

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Speaker 3: it's about security. That's that's that's the goal is security.

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Speaker 3: It's not high achievement. It's be safe, which I understand.

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Speaker 4: And so.

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Speaker 3: Being safe is you have your form one K, you

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Speaker 3: have your you know, your job with benefits and and

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Speaker 3: mind you this this new world that we live in

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Speaker 3: where people like myself can become experts and spread our knowledge.

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Speaker 4: Through social media.

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Speaker 3: This was this did not exist when we were kids, right,

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Speaker 3: So there there there wasn't even like, well maybe you

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Speaker 3: can like, you know, do this on YouTube like that,

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Speaker 3: that does didn't exist.

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Speaker 4: And so.

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Speaker 3: I so when you asked about my childhood, I mean

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Speaker 3: there's two different things. One is, I was just a

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Speaker 3: very sensitive kid with a very sensitive nervous system.

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Speaker 4: And I grew up in a.

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Speaker 3: Household where my father was manic depressive and my mom,

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Speaker 3: not mentally ill at all, still was an immigrant. She

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Speaker 3: grew up in South Africa in a time where there

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Speaker 3: were no rights, and she didn't have any self worth

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Speaker 3: and she didn't have it.

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Speaker 4: She was a housewife.

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Speaker 3: She was a model turned to housewife.

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Speaker 4: And so I grew up.

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Speaker 3: So she was depressed because she was with my father

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Speaker 3: and she felt powerless. And I was the kid who

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Speaker 3: felt everything.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and so.

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Speaker 3: But I also had a lot of my own desires

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Speaker 3: and dreams, and so the expectation was graduate, go to college.

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Speaker 3: Graduate were corporate, and it was like dying a slow

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Speaker 3: death for me, I could not stand it.

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Speaker 4: I hate authority.

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Speaker 3: I don't like waking up early in the morning and

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Speaker 3: having to go to like a corporate office. And I

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Speaker 3: always felt completely sad about Yeah, not always sad, but

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Speaker 3: sad when it came to work. Yes, And then I

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Speaker 3: just I felt really lost, and I said, I'm going

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Speaker 3: to be a yoga teacher.

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Speaker 4: So my mom accepted it.

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Speaker 3: She accepted it, but I went through a lot of

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Speaker 3: turmoil and inner conflict about.

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Speaker 4: What I'm supposed to be and do in this life.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, for many, many, many years. It plagued me throughout

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Speaker 3: my twenties.

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Speaker 1: Oh, and I resonate and I relate a lot because

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Speaker 1: it brings me back to my you know, the things

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Speaker 1: in my life that we're crippling, the things that I

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Speaker 1: experienced and watched within my own walls, and how it's

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Speaker 1: really affected how I.

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Speaker 2: Move as an adult.

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Speaker 1: The learning and the process of unlearning is I guess,

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Speaker 1: a lifelong journey we're probably all going through.

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Speaker 2: So with that, I'm curious, So how did you how

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Speaker 2: do you feel.

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Speaker 1: Your upbringing really shaped your work now that you've really

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Speaker 1: you're really diving into this, you first this relationship coach

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Speaker 1: I'm curious by all of this. You know, you're talking

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Speaker 1: about your journey as a child and what you experienced

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Speaker 1: in your home.

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Speaker 2: Really, how did that upbringing shape your work now?

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Speaker 3: Okay, in many different ways. Well, one is, my father

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Speaker 3: really always had a strong work ethic, and I have

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Speaker 3: a strong work ethic. I was expected to always try

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Speaker 3: my best. It's not like I never was expected to

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Speaker 3: be perfect, but I was expected to try my best

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Speaker 3: and always put in my best in everything. I would

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Speaker 3: not be sitting here today. Had I had the father

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Speaker 3: that I always wanted to have.

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Speaker 4: Wow, there's no way.

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Speaker 5: I wouldn't be sitting here today.

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Speaker 3: If my mom had perfect self worth, and you know

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Speaker 3: my father was a great man or a great father,

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Speaker 3: I wouldn't be here today.

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Speaker 4: I had to. So I had to.

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Speaker 3: Go through many difficult relationships, and I went through some

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Speaker 3: beautiful relationships. I don't want to misrepresent myself. I was

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Speaker 3: not someone who was just always in bad relationships. I wasn't,

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Speaker 3: but I definitely want to. But I definitely had a

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Speaker 3: handful and so and I had to learn how to

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Speaker 3: love myself when it came to being in a romantic relationship.

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Speaker 3: And I think it's important to note that getting everything

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Speaker 3: you want doesn't guarantee a good life.

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Speaker 2: Oh that's power, that's powerful.

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Speaker 4: It just doesn't wow.

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Speaker 3: Because, first of all, our life is how we see it.

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Speaker 3: It's not really what's happening. So you could still get

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Speaker 3: everything you want, but you're not necessarily getting what you

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Speaker 3: need in life, and.

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Speaker 4: So your perspective is skewed.

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Speaker 3: And so I really like to emphasize the people that, Yeah,

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Speaker 3: if you had a difficult relationship with a parent, or

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Speaker 3: you had a difficult childhood, that's really hard and there's

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Speaker 3: a lot of hard things that come from that. But

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Speaker 3: can you can you see that there's good things that

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Speaker 3: came from that too.

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Speaker 2: And that's the reframing your mindset part for me. Yes,

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Speaker 2: I think it's too often, and I love that you

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Speaker 2: said that.

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Speaker 1: I think too often we make excuses for ourselves. You know,

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Speaker 1: life is hard in general, and to unpack years and

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Speaker 1: years of trauma and childhood experiences, it's it's hard and

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Speaker 1: it's a commitment, yes, and I don't think people dive

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Speaker 1: enough into it. They bring their baggage into every relationship

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Speaker 1: and then when they don't unpack it there, they unpack

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Speaker 1: it on their children. And it's really this vicious cycle,

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Speaker 1: and that is one of the things that my upbringing

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Speaker 1: taught me. My like in sports, I'll be very honest,

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Speaker 1: I have learned so much more from my failures than

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Speaker 1: I ever did from my successful moments of winning championships,

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Speaker 1: and I've won at every level, but the failures are

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Speaker 1: what always stick with me the most, and it helps

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Speaker 1: me become a better person because I realize that that.

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Speaker 2: Family dynamic didn't work.

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Speaker 1: Now, let's really figure out why that relationship didn't work.

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Speaker 2: Let's not make excuses for it. Let's really dive in.

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Speaker 1: And what I love that you're so openly talking about

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Speaker 1: and what I love so much about your book is

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Speaker 1: one of the truths is you must make peace with

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Speaker 1: your parents.

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Speaker 2: When that was one of I mean, I.

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Speaker 1: Have so many questions because I'll be very honest, I

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Speaker 1: grew up in a really tough home, and so was

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Speaker 1: my outlet.

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Speaker 2: It was it was my survival.

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Speaker 1: I ticked very differently than most people because I didn't

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Speaker 1: want It was literally life or death for me. I

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Speaker 1: was not going back to what I experienced as a child.

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Speaker 1: I had to make a better life for myself and

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Speaker 1: my children and my family.

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Speaker 2: One day, but reading through a lot of your work.

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Speaker 1: As soon as I hit this, you must make peace

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Speaker 1: with your parents. I like almost fell out of my skin, huh, truthfully,

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Speaker 1: because I'm going to say something that was very profound

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Speaker 1: for me and I really want you to dive into it.

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Speaker 1: As soon as I became a mother to my two children,

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Speaker 1: I forgave my mom. I have the best relationship with

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Speaker 1: my mom now than I ever have, and it all

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Speaker 1: everything was put in perspective for me when I became

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Speaker 1: a mom and I forgave her and realized she did

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Speaker 1: the best she could with what she had. Because I

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Speaker 1: have been tested at every level. I am an exceptional

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Speaker 1: athlete who have who has done things that it's honestly unthinkable.

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Speaker 1: And I have access to so much more than my

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Speaker 1: parents ever did. And that's money, resources, a village, you

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Speaker 1: name it. And it is the hardest thing I've ever

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Speaker 1: done in my life is raising a child. And I'm

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Speaker 1: talking the mental load, the emotional load, the physical load.

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Speaker 1: I am constantly scared to death. I'm failing them like

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Speaker 1: it is a real thing, and it affects everything in

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Speaker 1: my life.

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Speaker 2: The way I move, the way I show up for myself.

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Speaker 1: And the people around me, So what I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: say is this is such an important piece not enough

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Speaker 1: people talk about. And I'm curious in the book what

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Speaker 1: you mean about this the ninth Truth.

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Speaker 3: Yes, well I love that. First of all, I love

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Speaker 3: that you share that. And the first thing I thought

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Speaker 3: of was empathy. You know, maybe that's you know empathy

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Speaker 3: is is is the ability to stand in someone else's

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Speaker 3: shoes and experience life through and and when you became

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Speaker 3: a mom, maybe that was the moment that you were

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Speaker 3: able to experience some sort of empathy. And when we

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Speaker 3: can feel empathy for someone, that's that's when a relationship

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Speaker 3: has the power to change. So I knew when I

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Speaker 3: wrote that that it was going to be like it was.

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Speaker 4: That's why it was the last truth. I was like,

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Speaker 4: if I start with this, no one will read the book.

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Speaker 3: But exactly, you know, so and I and I say

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Speaker 3: in the chapter, if you've been molested terribly abused, this

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Speaker 3: isn't about making peace with your parents at all. And

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Speaker 3: and and also the chapter is about you could have

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Speaker 3: a great relationship with your parents.

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Speaker 4: It's about examining the story.

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Speaker 3: That you have about this parent, one or both of

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Speaker 3: your parents, about your childhood and acknowledging how that story

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Speaker 3: is controlling your life and your love life in a

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Speaker 3: way that is holding you back, that is tethering you.

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Speaker 3: And so the making peace with your parent is really

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Speaker 3: re examining the story and learning how.

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Speaker 4: To let go of some stuff.

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Speaker 3: And so I've had a difficult, challenging relationship with my

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Speaker 3: father since birth, since birth, and he actually passed away

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Speaker 3: when I was writing that chapter.

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Speaker 2: Oh wow.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, And so my.

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Speaker 3: Journey really has been about making peace with the fact

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Speaker 3: that he is my father and letting go of the

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Speaker 3: fear and the and the and the hate that I

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Speaker 3: experience for most of my life when I even thought

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Speaker 3: of him, and I had to really I had to

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Speaker 3: really examine and explore how much that had a choke

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Speaker 3: hold on me and how much it was it was

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Speaker 3: ruining my life in some way, And so I had

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Speaker 3: to start to look at him through a different lens.

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Speaker 3: I had to start to look at the story through

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Speaker 3: a different lens. And part of that is empathy, as

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Speaker 3: you describe. Part of that is compassion, and part of

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Speaker 3: that is recognizing that you that you're not a helpless

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Speaker 3: child anymore, and so you can start to look at

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Speaker 3: this person through the filter of your wiser, more adult self,

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Speaker 3: and so you see the person's humanity. Now, I'm not

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Speaker 3: going to suggest that to someone who was severely abused

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Speaker 3: or molested. However, you can still make you can still,

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Speaker 3: with very very targeted therapy, make peace with that.

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Speaker 4: Maybe. You know, I've worked with someone who.

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Speaker 3: Now counsels survivors of childhood severe childhood abuse, and so

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Speaker 3: she's found a way to use what happened to her

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Speaker 3: to give back. But in general, most people are walking around.

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Speaker 3: You know, I was a strange from my father for

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Speaker 3: many years, and estrangement does not solve things.

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Speaker 4: And sometimes you have.

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Speaker 3: To be a strange because it is literally a matter

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Speaker 3: of life or death. But a lot of most people

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Speaker 3: are strange because they're holding on to a story and

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Speaker 3: they think and they're avoiding what really needs to be

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Speaker 3: looked at. And if that's the case, the estrangement is

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Speaker 3: not going to heal you.

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Speaker 4: It's going to make things worse.

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Speaker 2: That's a really great point.

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Speaker 1: And I just am thinking, and you know, as you're speaking,

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Speaker 1: I'm reflecting, and so much of the work that I'm

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Speaker 1: doing with this podcast is actually healing me. You know,

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Speaker 1: being able to interview people like yourself and really dive

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Speaker 1: into so much good work. While I am going to therapy,

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Speaker 1: I just find that this work I'm doing and this

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Speaker 1: openness I'm now sharing, I think is really healing me

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Speaker 1: in a lot of ways. So I'm curious when you

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Speaker 1: made this huge pivot in your life. You know, you

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Speaker 1: were a yoga teacher. All of these things were happening

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Speaker 1: in real time, that were, you know, changing what you.

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Speaker 2: Thought life looked like.

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Speaker 1: Did you become a relationship coach to help heal yourself

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Speaker 1: in this way as well? Because it was so close

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Speaker 1: to you and you directly, you were directly impacted by

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Speaker 1: so much of what was happening so quickly, all at once.

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Speaker 4: Yes, I believe. So. I believe that we.

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Speaker 3: I do believe that the things that we teachers decide

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Speaker 3: to teach our lessons that we need to learn or

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Speaker 3: have or have been processing ourselves.

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Speaker 5: I think, well, there's two parts to it.

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Speaker 3: One is helping others helps me just heal my story, yes, right,

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Speaker 3: and so and it makes me feel like my life

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Speaker 3: that everything that happened to me has a deeper purpose.

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Speaker 3: And then and then it gives some context to why

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Speaker 3: we exist. So so I think that for me, and

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Speaker 3: I think for people who do this, we sort of

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Speaker 3: derive our understanding of what the meaning of life is

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Speaker 3: through helping others heal from things that you needed to

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Speaker 3: heal from yourself.

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Speaker 1: Yes, this is wide open and I'm your host, Ashlyn Harris.

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Speaker 2: We'll be right back. The title of the.

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Speaker 1: Book is it begins with you, and it's one of

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Speaker 1: the core truths. How did that moment of darkness really

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Speaker 1: connect you with your truth?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I realized that every relationship I've ever been

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Speaker 3: and has one common denominator, and that's mean. And that

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Speaker 3: doesn't mean it's not the platitude of like, oh, I

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Speaker 3: guess the problem is me. It doesn't mean that you're

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Speaker 3: the problem. It means that you are part of a dynamic.

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Speaker 3: You know, we are all We do not exist in

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Speaker 3: a vacuum, and that we need to be the change

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Speaker 3: that we wish to see in our lives and our

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Speaker 3: love lives. I think when I when I realized that

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Speaker 3: it's so important to have help, but your therapist can't

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Speaker 3: get you to the other side of how your parents

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Speaker 3: can't get you to the others, Like no one can

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Speaker 3: do it, Like ultimately the onus is on you and

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Speaker 3: I think that that's a lovely thing because there's so

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Speaker 3: little that we have control over in this life. I mean,

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Speaker 3: most things are completely out of our control, but we

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Speaker 3: do have some control. And that's what I wanted to

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Speaker 3: point out with that core truth, it begins with.

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Speaker 2: You, and that really leads us to no one will

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Speaker 2: come to save you.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, no one is coming to save you.

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Speaker 1: No one is coming to save us. And you know,

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Speaker 1: that's such a beautiful thing to say, But like, how

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Speaker 1: do you even dive into that of owning that responsibility?

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Speaker 3: You know? I think it's about understanding that we are

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Speaker 3: responsible for our own happiness.

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Speaker 4: And that that part, yeah, that part are we are.

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Speaker 3: And the point is surround yourself with people, places, and

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Speaker 3: things that add to your happiness that make it easier

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Speaker 3: for you to access your joy or your contentment or

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Speaker 3: your fulfillment. And so I think a lot of people

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Speaker 3: believe that once they find that right person and they

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Speaker 3: have that right relationship, that all their problems are going

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Speaker 3: to go away. And the thing is, no, for me,

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Speaker 3: the aim of a relationship, the point of a relationship

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Speaker 3: is to have an ally as you go through life.

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Speaker 3: But they can't actually do the work for you.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, yeah, And it's such an important thing that

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Speaker 1: makes me think about how so much of what I

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Speaker 1: did as a player has now carried into my personal

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Speaker 1: life and it's a really hard thing for me to separate.

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Speaker 1: As I moved through the world as an athlete, I

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Speaker 1: was very good at a very young age, and I

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Speaker 1: played in a team sport, and everyone knows for you

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Speaker 1: to be successful, you put your team before yourself.

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Speaker 2: You're in service to other people because the.

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Speaker 1: Sum is only as good as all the moving parts, right,

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Speaker 1: and for us to be extraordinary, my ego was left

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Speaker 1: at the door.

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Speaker 2: My selfishness was left at the door.

447
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:55,439
Speaker 1: When it came to being a successful team, it didn't

448
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:59,480
Speaker 1: matter what my wants and needs were. However, I carried

449
00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:02,240
Speaker 1: that into my mind life, in my personal life, and

450
00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:06,600
Speaker 1: that has affected a lot of probably my failed marriage,

451
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:11,800
Speaker 1: my failed relationships, because it was too hard for me

452
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:14,399
Speaker 1: to say, but wait, what about what I need?

453
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:16,280
Speaker 2: What about what I want?

454
00:28:17,119 --> 00:28:20,320
Speaker 1: And it was an uncomfortable place to be in to

455
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:24,199
Speaker 1: ask for those but the only person that was hurting

456
00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:28,760
Speaker 1: in the process was me. In turn, it was creating

457
00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:32,280
Speaker 1: an extreme amount of resentment in the relationship.

458
00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:35,200
Speaker 4: I was waiting for that one yeahah.

459
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,680
Speaker 1: Because I didn't felt I didn't feel seen or heard,

460
00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:41,880
Speaker 1: and that is my fault. That is no one else's

461
00:28:41,880 --> 00:28:45,720
Speaker 1: fault but mine. So I'm having to unlearn this part

462
00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:49,760
Speaker 1: of me that I don't always have to give, give, give, give,

463
00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:53,160
Speaker 1: give until I have nothing left. There has to be

464
00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:57,240
Speaker 1: this balance of what do you want and need?

465
00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:01,000
Speaker 2: How do you communicate that? And it's so much.

466
00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:06,120
Speaker 1: It's a lot in your work, yes, and it makes

467
00:29:06,160 --> 00:29:08,880
Speaker 1: me reflect a lot. Even as we're sitting here now,

468
00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:11,520
Speaker 1: I'm curious of do you hear that a lot when

469
00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:15,440
Speaker 1: you're doing your teaching and you're coaching for relationships?

470
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:18,000
Speaker 2: Is that very common?

471
00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:22,440
Speaker 3: It's yeah, it's very common for people to not speak

472
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,400
Speaker 3: up and ask for what they need because they don't

473
00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:30,000
Speaker 3: I think they're worthy of getting their needs met. You know,

474
00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:33,800
Speaker 3: you described your conditioning of being an athlete and being

475
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:38,640
Speaker 3: part of a team. For others, it's, you know, good

476
00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:42,480
Speaker 3: girls don't speak up, or nice guys don't speak up,

477
00:29:42,560 --> 00:29:45,640
Speaker 3: whatever it is, there's all this conditioning.

478
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:46,120
Speaker 4: For sure.

479
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:50,120
Speaker 3: I see a lot more selfishness, if I'm being honest,

480
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:55,640
Speaker 3: people getting so obsessed with their needs that they forget

481
00:29:55,720 --> 00:29:58,400
Speaker 3: that they're in a relationship with someone who has needs to.

482
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,280
Speaker 3: I see that more often and and you know, it's

483
00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:06,560
Speaker 3: it's an interesting thing that you describe because you're you're

484
00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:10,600
Speaker 3: giving nature and the fact that you are that quote

485
00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:14,600
Speaker 3: unquote team player. That's a good thing that in it

486
00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:19,800
Speaker 3: of itself is not a problem. It's about balancing that

487
00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:24,280
Speaker 3: and understanding that the team gets stronger when you are

488
00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:27,520
Speaker 3: able to be an advocate for yourself inside of the team.

489
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:29,880
Speaker 2: That's power. I love that.

490
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:35,160
Speaker 1: Wow. That yeah, And I'm learning that right now in

491
00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:38,280
Speaker 1: real time and really like unpacking a lot of my

492
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:42,760
Speaker 1: life and my lessons and the things I've been taught

493
00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:46,680
Speaker 1: in conditioned to be. So it's such a it's it's

494
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:51,920
Speaker 1: we're constantly evolving, right, yes, always, We're always learning about ourselves.

495
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:54,560
Speaker 1: And that brings me to my next question, because it's

496
00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:58,920
Speaker 1: it's really important for me during a time of such

497
00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:06,320
Speaker 1: dark during the process of my divorce, I ended up

498
00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:11,320
Speaker 1: finding someone someone came into my life that really changed

499
00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:12,160
Speaker 1: a lot for me.

500
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:15,640
Speaker 2: And the best ways, and I.

501
00:31:15,560 --> 00:31:18,800
Speaker 1: Talk about this with my therapist often. Often is if

502
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:22,320
Speaker 1: am I in a place to give and receive what

503
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:25,600
Speaker 1: is necessary for a very good dynamic in terms of

504
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:29,000
Speaker 1: a relationship when I'm in the hardest season of my life.

505
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:31,959
Speaker 1: So you know, it's interesting because a lot of what

506
00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:35,400
Speaker 1: you're talking about is it begins with you. But I

507
00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:44,280
Speaker 1: found the most incredible, profound love in the process of unlearning.

508
00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:49,640
Speaker 2: The biggest like hardship of my life.

509
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:53,960
Speaker 1: But if I wasn't open to receive, I would have

510
00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:55,040
Speaker 1: shut that door.

511
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:56,880
Speaker 4: I know, And that would have been tragic.

512
00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,000
Speaker 1: It would have been you know, life is based on time.

513
00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:02,080
Speaker 1: I mean, if I would have shut that door, it

514
00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:03,920
Speaker 1: could have been that would have been it.

515
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:08,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, and love comes at very in very unexpected ways,

516
00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:12,360
Speaker 3: and you don't have to perfectly process everything to be

517
00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:13,920
Speaker 3: ready for a relationship.

518
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:14,880
Speaker 4: In fact, it's better.

519
00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:19,160
Speaker 3: I mean, you know what I find tragic is people

520
00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:21,920
Speaker 3: going years and years and years not opening themselves up

521
00:32:21,920 --> 00:32:25,720
Speaker 3: to love again because because of their divorce.

522
00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:28,920
Speaker 4: And it's like, Okay, well you just gave all your.

523
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:32,200
Speaker 3: Power to that relationship and to that and your ex spouse.

524
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:36,720
Speaker 3: They just basically control your life. So yeah, I think

525
00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:39,680
Speaker 3: that's a beautiful thing, and I'm glad that you're open

526
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:40,040
Speaker 3: to it.

527
00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:44,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I it was. It's the best decision I

528
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:48,880
Speaker 1: ever made. I do think people are constantly in this

529
00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:54,440
Speaker 1: grief bubble and they're not willing to open that side

530
00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:58,959
Speaker 1: of their heart up to say, even in the hardest

531
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:02,480
Speaker 1: season of my life, I'm worthy enough to receive that

532
00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:07,400
Speaker 1: type of love. Yes, And I think that's the hardest part,

533
00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:11,040
Speaker 1: is feeling worthy enough to receive it. So I've been

534
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:14,800
Speaker 1: trying this new technique of even when someone not someone,

535
00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:16,440
Speaker 1: even when my partner.

536
00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:20,120
Speaker 2: Says I'm so proud of you, like.

537
00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:23,560
Speaker 1: It's such a foreign thing to hear from me, I

538
00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:27,160
Speaker 1: don't receive it well because that's my own issues of

539
00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:31,000
Speaker 1: self worth. Yeah, so I am this new thing I'm saying,

540
00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:34,800
Speaker 1: is I receive that thank you because it's hard. It's

541
00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:39,600
Speaker 1: hard to be open to receive love. But also I'm

542
00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:45,280
Speaker 1: curious because your teachings talk about it begins with you. Yes,

543
00:33:45,720 --> 00:33:50,800
Speaker 1: So how do we become better receivers and sit with

544
00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:54,080
Speaker 1: that and say, Okay, I am enough. I am worthy

545
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 1: of this kind of love. I am worthy of this

546
00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:00,600
Speaker 1: type of connection not only with myself, which is first

547
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:04,640
Speaker 1: and foremost, but this connection with this other person. I

548
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:08,520
Speaker 1: am worthy of that kind of love and relationship and care.

549
00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:10,400
Speaker 4: That's a good question.

550
00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:16,880
Speaker 3: Well, first, it's important to note that relationships do not

551
00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:20,960
Speaker 3: thrive unless there's vulnerability, and we need to be able

552
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:25,799
Speaker 3: to receive. We need to be that being receptive to

553
00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:31,560
Speaker 3: love is what creates emotional intimacy. If there's a wall

554
00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:33,920
Speaker 3: up and you're you know, the not receiving is just

555
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:37,480
Speaker 3: a wall, and you can't really you can't can't make

556
00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:44,200
Speaker 3: a relationship work with walls. I think at first it's

557
00:34:44,239 --> 00:34:49,200
Speaker 3: about noticing. It all boils down to self awareness. So

558
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:52,239
Speaker 3: if you have the awareness, it's really hard for me

559
00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:55,920
Speaker 3: to receive a compliment. And then a compliment comes your way,

560
00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:58,440
Speaker 3: it's noticing, where do I feel that's in my body?

561
00:34:58,719 --> 00:35:00,680
Speaker 3: Where do I feel there is a Do I feel

562
00:35:00,719 --> 00:35:03,040
Speaker 3: it in my chest? Do I feel it in my belly?

563
00:35:03,080 --> 00:35:04,200
Speaker 3: Do I feel it in my neck?

564
00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:04,960
Speaker 4: You know what?

565
00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:07,640
Speaker 3: Where do I feel the tension where I'm sort of

566
00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:12,840
Speaker 3: recoiling from this compliment from this person?

567
00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:13,760
Speaker 4: Right?

568
00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:18,759
Speaker 3: And then you take some deep breath and you let

569
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:24,000
Speaker 3: it go and you soften because you have to. You

570
00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:29,080
Speaker 3: have to embrace yourself, right, You have to like soften

571
00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:33,120
Speaker 3: your physiology to be able to receive it. And that's

572
00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:36,120
Speaker 3: how you do it. You can't really talk yourself into it.

573
00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:38,160
Speaker 3: You need to practice it, and you need to bring

574
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:39,319
Speaker 3: your body into it.

575
00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:44,200
Speaker 1: Which is where your yoga teachings probably come in too

576
00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:45,040
Speaker 1: great use.

577
00:35:45,160 --> 00:35:48,200
Speaker 5: I'm sure, yes, very much so, very much so.

578
00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:50,600
Speaker 3: And that's it's very it's important, it's hard, and it's

579
00:35:50,920 --> 00:35:52,759
Speaker 3: a very good thing for you to recognize.

580
00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:56,640
Speaker 4: And I would imagine maybe I'm wrong, but to.

581
00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:00,880
Speaker 3: Achieve at the level that you have as an athlete,

582
00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:04,880
Speaker 3: it's almost like nothing is ever good enough, like you

583
00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:07,240
Speaker 3: have to keep pushing yourself and pushing yourself and pushing

584
00:36:07,239 --> 00:36:11,800
Speaker 3: yourself and pushing yourself and pushing yourself and so nothing

585
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:16,800
Speaker 3: is ever like you're just like you're never getting the excellence.

586
00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:19,600
Speaker 3: So for someone to say I'm proud of you, it's like,

587
00:36:19,640 --> 00:36:22,680
Speaker 3: what do you mean I didn't I? No, no, no,

588
00:36:22,719 --> 00:36:26,960
Speaker 3: if I if I, if I give into that, then

589
00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:28,319
Speaker 3: where does my drive go?

590
00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:32,480
Speaker 1: It's like a like a participation award, like what did

591
00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:35,719
Speaker 1: I What did I get to deserve that? And it's

592
00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:40,600
Speaker 1: really it's because I experience in my life. You win

593
00:36:40,640 --> 00:36:43,839
Speaker 1: a championship, there's one like second place is.

594
00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:46,440
Speaker 5: Failure, Yes exactly, So there you go.

595
00:36:46,640 --> 00:36:49,799
Speaker 1: You're always and then you you know, they teach you

596
00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:52,640
Speaker 1: as an athlete to have this really great sense of

597
00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:56,000
Speaker 1: short term memory because when you fail even in the

598
00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:59,800
Speaker 1: moment on the field, you got to bounce back very quickly, yes,

599
00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:03,959
Speaker 1: which really fucks with your emotional needs in the real

600
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:08,840
Speaker 1: world because you just become robotic to everything. It's like, oh,

601
00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:11,360
Speaker 1: that felt like shit, I'm gonna move on because I

602
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,799
Speaker 1: have to have short term memory, and I'm like, oh god,

603
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:14,479
Speaker 1: that's not good.

604
00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:15,440
Speaker 2: We have to unpack that.

605
00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:17,560
Speaker 4: Yes, exactly.

606
00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:23,080
Speaker 1: But having that understanding internally is just as important as

607
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:27,160
Speaker 1: having it externally when it comes to relationships. So I'm curious,

608
00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:35,160
Speaker 1: what's the biggest misconception about love? Oh that's heavy, I know,

609
00:37:35,239 --> 00:37:35,800
Speaker 1: but I'm.

610
00:37:35,640 --> 00:37:36,680
Speaker 4: Just yeah, it's a good.

611
00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:38,279
Speaker 1: Yeah.

612
00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:41,400
Speaker 3: The biggest misconception about love is that it's just a

613
00:37:41,480 --> 00:37:44,239
Speaker 3: feeling and not also a practice and a verb. M

614
00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:47,919
Speaker 3: that I would say is the biggest misconception of love,

615
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:51,640
Speaker 3: that love is that thing that we feel with all

616
00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:55,719
Speaker 3: the butterflies and all that excitement, when really that's lust

617
00:37:57,160 --> 00:37:59,640
Speaker 3: and love is not something that we just feel.

618
00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:00,839
Speaker 4: It's thing that we do.

619
00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:06,880
Speaker 3: It's because sometimes to be in a relationship with someone

620
00:38:07,120 --> 00:38:10,640
Speaker 3: isn't entirely convenient. Sometimes we're just not in the mood,

621
00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:13,600
Speaker 3: or our old stuff comes up and our ego gets

622
00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:17,440
Speaker 3: in the way. So the pursuit of trying to overcome

623
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:22,640
Speaker 3: that and to give love when maybe it's hard to

624
00:38:22,680 --> 00:38:27,279
Speaker 3: give love. That's love, That's what it's all about. And

625
00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:30,000
Speaker 3: so love is not just a feeling.

626
00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:33,600
Speaker 1: I love that, and it really love is not just

627
00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:40,240
Speaker 1: a feeling. And I think the other big misconception people

628
00:38:40,480 --> 00:38:45,200
Speaker 1: always think the feeling of the attachment and the lust

629
00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:49,960
Speaker 1: at the beginning of the honeymoon stage that they're supposed

630
00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:55,720
Speaker 1: to experience, experience that through this lifetime commitment with another partner.

631
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:58,279
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not the same fucking human I was

632
00:38:58,320 --> 00:38:58,919
Speaker 1: a year ago.

633
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:01,440
Speaker 4: Yeah, no, absolutely not, actually not.

634
00:39:01,760 --> 00:39:06,520
Speaker 1: How does this evolution of change as we continue to

635
00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:10,000
Speaker 1: grow as people? Things happen to us where we carry

636
00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:13,040
Speaker 1: it and our bodies, and then of course we always

637
00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:16,240
Speaker 1: shit dump it on the most important people in our lives,

638
00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:17,960
Speaker 1: which most often our partners.

639
00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:22,480
Speaker 3: Yes, the most important thing about growing together is a couples,

640
00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:24,080
Speaker 3: you must always have a shared vision.

641
00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:27,440
Speaker 5: Now that doesn't mean that both of you have.

642
00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:30,040
Speaker 3: Every goal has to be the same and every vision

643
00:39:30,080 --> 00:39:32,719
Speaker 3: has to be the same. You're two separate humans with

644
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:37,600
Speaker 3: autonomous beings. But couples really need a shared goal, They

645
00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:39,960
Speaker 3: need a shared vision of the life that they want

646
00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:46,840
Speaker 3: to lead, and then they can be teammates, alliesied, unified

647
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:52,480
Speaker 3: front in moving towards their shared vision. That's how people

648
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:53,160
Speaker 3: grow together.

649
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:56,800
Speaker 1: I'll be back in just a moment after this brief

650
00:39:56,840 --> 00:40:06,920
Speaker 1: message from our sponsors. I always kind of think, you know,

651
00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:10,400
Speaker 1: because I'm a very very big sports buff. I always

652
00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:15,560
Speaker 1: think in like passing the baton, you know, like when

653
00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:19,719
Speaker 1: you're running right. I think in relationships, one part you

654
00:40:19,800 --> 00:40:21,960
Speaker 1: never Everyone always said like, no one's going to be

655
00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:24,920
Speaker 1: fifty to fifty in a relationship, Like I don't know

656
00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:25,920
Speaker 1: where that comes.

657
00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:28,480
Speaker 5: Like that's ridiculous, It's ridiculous.

658
00:40:28,840 --> 00:40:31,600
Speaker 1: There's never a time we show up as equals in

659
00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:35,400
Speaker 1: a relationship. In a marriage and a friendship, someone's always

660
00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:37,720
Speaker 1: in front of the other and then something will happen

661
00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:41,560
Speaker 1: and it'll shift. So I always, like am thinking in

662
00:40:41,640 --> 00:40:45,640
Speaker 1: real time, is if I'm ahead of someone in this

663
00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:48,640
Speaker 1: moment of one moment of my life and journey, I

664
00:40:48,680 --> 00:40:51,319
Speaker 1: don't want my partner to get out of reach. I

665
00:40:51,360 --> 00:40:55,600
Speaker 1: don't want them to not I don't want to be

666
00:40:55,760 --> 00:40:57,880
Speaker 1: in a place where I can't see them, where I

667
00:40:57,920 --> 00:41:01,840
Speaker 1: can't lend my arm back pass that baton off right.

668
00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:03,800
Speaker 4: So I like that metaphor.

669
00:41:04,239 --> 00:41:07,080
Speaker 1: I do because it's like, eventually, there's going to be

670
00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:10,440
Speaker 1: a time where I'm very I'm struggling and.

671
00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:12,719
Speaker 2: She's way ahead of me. But if she keeps.

672
00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:15,480
Speaker 1: Running and I'm walking, that fucking distance is going to

673
00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:16,800
Speaker 1: break us, right.

674
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:18,479
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, a hundred percent.

675
00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:23,319
Speaker 3: It's in it's in reaction to how relationships used to

676
00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:28,239
Speaker 3: be in the fifties and before the fifties, where there

677
00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:32,320
Speaker 3: was a lot of imbalance. And obviously that in those

678
00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:35,799
Speaker 3: days it was more heterosexual relationships, but it was this

679
00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:40,560
Speaker 3: idea of you know, the man having all the power

680
00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:44,200
Speaker 3: and the woman staying home and these very very acute

681
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:49,560
Speaker 3: gender roles, right, And so as we evolved as a species,

682
00:41:50,239 --> 00:41:53,520
Speaker 3: it's okay, we're not doing that anymore.

683
00:41:53,960 --> 00:41:58,120
Speaker 4: We're going to be fifty to fifty. But but that.

684
00:41:57,960 --> 00:42:00,759
Speaker 3: Doesn't work because then it makes love transaction.

685
00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:04,479
Speaker 2: Say again, Say that again, say that it.

686
00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:07,320
Speaker 3: Makes love a transaction, And you know, it's so funny,

687
00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:08,320
Speaker 3: it's like this idea.

688
00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:10,200
Speaker 4: It's so because the word.

689
00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:13,600
Speaker 3: Partner has become very popular, Like people don't say boyfriend

690
00:42:13,680 --> 00:42:16,400
Speaker 3: or girlfriend or spousing, where they say partner, and I

691
00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:19,520
Speaker 3: say too, just because it's part of the zeitgeist. But

692
00:42:19,800 --> 00:42:22,799
Speaker 3: sometimes I have issue with that word because it's so

693
00:42:23,440 --> 00:42:27,200
Speaker 3: it sounds so business y, you know, it sounds so

694
00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:32,960
Speaker 3: fifty to fifty, it sounds so transactional. But really, truly

695
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:35,880
Speaker 3: what we want to be doing is putting one hundred

696
00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:39,239
Speaker 3: percent into the relationship. But the reality is that yes,

697
00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:42,319
Speaker 3: sometimes you're going to be at ten percent and you're

698
00:42:42,360 --> 00:42:45,640
Speaker 3: going to need that support. And it's not about meeting

699
00:42:45,640 --> 00:42:48,440
Speaker 3: each other in the middle. It's about going the distance,

700
00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:51,360
Speaker 3: and it's it's it's looking at the sum total.

701
00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:51,960
Speaker 4: Right.

702
00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:55,600
Speaker 3: Obviously, if you're in a relationship and one person is

703
00:42:55,680 --> 00:42:59,560
Speaker 3: just always at ten percent, then there's going to be

704
00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:03,920
Speaker 3: anal But the idea is there's an ebb and a flow.

705
00:43:04,080 --> 00:43:06,360
Speaker 3: Sometimes you'll be at twenty percent, sometimes they'll be at

706
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:09,000
Speaker 3: eighty percent. But when you look at the totality, if

707
00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:12,120
Speaker 3: you look at the whole relationship as a whole, it

708
00:43:12,600 --> 00:43:15,880
Speaker 3: balances out. But this, I'll scratch your back if you

709
00:43:15,960 --> 00:43:18,120
Speaker 3: scratch my back, and people are doing that all the

710
00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:24,320
Speaker 3: time very specifically. Well one is there's just societal thinking

711
00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:26,839
Speaker 3: and conditioning of well, I don't want to be taking

712
00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:29,080
Speaker 3: advantage of and so we have to split the chores

713
00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:31,919
Speaker 3: it's just a new way of thinking. But then there's

714
00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:34,560
Speaker 3: the fear of I'm not going to open my heart.

715
00:43:34,800 --> 00:43:36,560
Speaker 3: I'm only going to open my heart when I know

716
00:43:36,640 --> 00:43:39,279
Speaker 3: that you're totally opening your heart. And then when two

717
00:43:39,320 --> 00:43:42,640
Speaker 3: people have that mentality, guess what, No one's opening up

718
00:43:42,640 --> 00:43:42,960
Speaker 3: their heart.

719
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:45,120
Speaker 2: Nope, totally shutting down.

720
00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:46,040
Speaker 4: Yeah.

721
00:43:46,280 --> 00:43:51,839
Speaker 1: And I say this often and my previous relationships. It's

722
00:43:51,880 --> 00:43:55,720
Speaker 1: the notion of keeping score. Yes, it fucking drives me nuts.

723
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:57,279
Speaker 4: Yes, it drives me nuts too.

724
00:43:57,320 --> 00:43:58,080
Speaker 2: Oh my god.

725
00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:03,279
Speaker 1: And this constant I think, especially as an athlete and

726
00:44:03,320 --> 00:44:08,960
Speaker 1: an elite high level athlete, the keeping score and the

727
00:44:09,000 --> 00:44:14,240
Speaker 1: competition is so toxic it real relationships.

728
00:44:14,719 --> 00:44:14,959
Speaker 3: Yes.

729
00:44:15,360 --> 00:44:17,080
Speaker 2: Can you elaborate on that a little bit?

730
00:44:18,040 --> 00:44:21,520
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, so the keeping score is all about

731
00:44:21,520 --> 00:44:27,160
Speaker 3: one upmanship, right, and so it's about I'm not going

732
00:44:27,200 --> 00:44:29,719
Speaker 3: to do this for you unless you are doing this

733
00:44:29,880 --> 00:44:36,200
Speaker 3: for me, and that mentality destroys a relationship.

734
00:44:36,600 --> 00:44:38,839
Speaker 5: It really has to Love has to.

735
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:41,240
Speaker 4: Be something that you give freely.

736
00:44:41,840 --> 00:44:44,040
Speaker 3: Now, you don't want to give love to the point

737
00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:47,840
Speaker 3: where you don't fill your own tank, but it's still

738
00:44:48,040 --> 00:44:51,080
Speaker 3: something that needs to be given freely. You're not giving

739
00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:54,200
Speaker 3: it out of out of fear you're not giving it

740
00:44:54,280 --> 00:44:57,480
Speaker 3: out of manipulation, like you're a pleaser. The point is

741
00:44:57,520 --> 00:45:01,520
Speaker 3: to become a true giver. And and the thing is

742
00:45:01,520 --> 00:45:04,680
Speaker 3: is that you have to be an advocate for your

743
00:45:04,960 --> 00:45:07,080
Speaker 3: in your relationship. You have to be an advocate for

744
00:45:07,160 --> 00:45:13,120
Speaker 3: your needs. And it is also true that love should

745
00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:15,760
Speaker 3: be given abundantly.

746
00:45:16,880 --> 00:45:19,080
Speaker 2: Especially in this new landscape.

747
00:45:19,680 --> 00:45:26,120
Speaker 3: Absolutely, And so the idea of keeping score is withholding love,

748
00:45:28,600 --> 00:45:31,560
Speaker 3: you can decide to leave a relationship because you're not

749
00:45:32,360 --> 00:45:34,880
Speaker 3: because it's so imbalanced. You give and you never receive.

750
00:45:36,520 --> 00:45:40,279
Speaker 3: But you can't make a relationship work.

751
00:45:41,719 --> 00:45:42,880
Speaker 4: By being a withholder.

752
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:48,760
Speaker 1: And that's where ego, Yeah, steps into the picture, which

753
00:45:49,120 --> 00:45:52,480
Speaker 1: we've all experienced at some point in a relationship.

754
00:45:52,680 --> 00:45:54,200
Speaker 4: Oh, we experience it all the time.

755
00:45:54,320 --> 00:45:57,440
Speaker 3: I mean, our greatest task in a relationship is always

756
00:45:57,760 --> 00:45:58,960
Speaker 3: to overcome the ego.

757
00:46:01,160 --> 00:46:03,600
Speaker 1: And that's in sports, and that's in business, and that's

758
00:46:03,640 --> 00:46:04,560
Speaker 1: in life.

759
00:46:04,239 --> 00:46:06,480
Speaker 5: And that's every percent everything.

760
00:46:07,040 --> 00:46:11,680
Speaker 1: So that's that connects me to my last question for you.

761
00:46:11,840 --> 00:46:15,600
Speaker 1: And and you know, we are in a unique climate

762
00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:22,839
Speaker 1: with social media, with more dating apps than under you know,

763
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:26,040
Speaker 1: there's a million under the sun at this point, yes, Like,

764
00:46:26,120 --> 00:46:29,400
Speaker 1: what is your thoughts about social media? The new modern

765
00:46:29,480 --> 00:46:34,320
Speaker 1: day era, like what how does that hurt or help

766
00:46:35,440 --> 00:46:37,840
Speaker 1: us in relationships in this day and age.

767
00:46:38,400 --> 00:46:43,320
Speaker 3: So I recently heard a very very smart and modern

768
00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:49,719
Speaker 3: rabbi speak on YouTube and he said, and he was

769
00:46:49,760 --> 00:46:54,520
Speaker 3: answering a question, has the phones the phones? Have they

770
00:46:54,560 --> 00:46:58,799
Speaker 3: destroyed relationships or destroyed life? And he offered a perspective

771
00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:01,880
Speaker 3: that I believe, I believe in one hundred percent and

772
00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:02,520
Speaker 3: I'll share it.

773
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:05,680
Speaker 4: No, the phone is not the problem.

774
00:47:06,120 --> 00:47:12,279
Speaker 3: Technology is not the problem our human beings. Our weakness

775
00:47:12,480 --> 00:47:17,520
Speaker 3: as a human being is that we are easily distracted

776
00:47:18,840 --> 00:47:21,359
Speaker 3: and that we are always looking for some sort of

777
00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:23,000
Speaker 3: escape from our pain.

778
00:47:23,880 --> 00:47:25,759
Speaker 2: Wow, that's powerful.

779
00:47:25,800 --> 00:47:30,240
Speaker 3: And so the phone or technology is just the thing

780
00:47:30,400 --> 00:47:35,719
Speaker 3: that makes our weakness easier for us to.

781
00:47:35,719 --> 00:47:37,600
Speaker 5: Give into our weakness.

782
00:47:38,160 --> 00:47:42,680
Speaker 3: So we have to use technology rather than have technology

783
00:47:42,800 --> 00:47:46,759
Speaker 3: use us. And so recognize that part of our weakness

784
00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:50,880
Speaker 3: is that we can we can treat others as if

785
00:47:50,920 --> 00:47:58,919
Speaker 3: they're disposable, we can use scrolling as a distraction, we

786
00:47:59,000 --> 00:48:00,000
Speaker 3: can be.

787
00:48:01,600 --> 00:48:03,760
Speaker 4: Slaves to dopamine.

788
00:48:03,920 --> 00:48:09,960
Speaker 3: And so, yes, has it impacted dating, absolutely, But remember

789
00:48:10,440 --> 00:48:13,080
Speaker 3: if we just blame the dating apps, if we just

790
00:48:13,200 --> 00:48:20,319
Speaker 3: blame technology, it's never been easy to find love it's

791
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:23,560
Speaker 3: if it were easy, there would be no movies or

792
00:48:23,680 --> 00:48:28,640
Speaker 3: songs written about it. And so knowing that, can you

793
00:48:28,800 --> 00:48:33,359
Speaker 3: approach technology and dating and social media in such a

794
00:48:33,400 --> 00:48:40,960
Speaker 3: way that you have more control over yourself so that

795
00:48:41,120 --> 00:48:44,400
Speaker 3: you don't so you keep it in check, whether that

796
00:48:44,600 --> 00:48:47,920
Speaker 3: is scrolling or on swiping on a dating app and

797
00:48:47,960 --> 00:48:49,600
Speaker 3: being like, you know what, I'm only doing it for

798
00:48:49,680 --> 00:48:52,440
Speaker 3: one hour a day, that's it, and then I'm putting

799
00:48:52,480 --> 00:48:57,320
Speaker 3: the phone away, or I'm not going to just endlessly

800
00:48:57,400 --> 00:49:02,000
Speaker 3: text this person, this stranger and develop some false sense

801
00:49:02,000 --> 00:49:03,600
Speaker 3: of intimacy with the stranger.

802
00:49:03,640 --> 00:49:05,719
Speaker 4: Who could be who could.

803
00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:09,240
Speaker 3: Be Not to sound so pessimistic, but who could be married?

804
00:49:09,520 --> 00:49:12,759
Speaker 4: You know, you just never know. I'm not going to

805
00:49:12,840 --> 00:49:13,080
Speaker 4: do that.

806
00:49:13,160 --> 00:49:15,200
Speaker 3: I'm actually gonna get on a phone call or I'm

807
00:49:15,239 --> 00:49:16,799
Speaker 3: just gonna or I'm just going to meet them in

808
00:49:16,840 --> 00:49:20,000
Speaker 3: person if I find it appropriate, just to figure this out.

809
00:49:20,440 --> 00:49:26,160
Speaker 3: So it's about self control. Oh wow, that's how I

810
00:49:26,200 --> 00:49:26,520
Speaker 3: see it.

811
00:49:27,840 --> 00:49:29,960
Speaker 2: That's it is. It's about self control.

812
00:49:30,440 --> 00:49:30,720
Speaker 4: Yeah.

813
00:49:31,360 --> 00:49:33,600
Speaker 2: And it's about you, yeah, and.

814
00:49:33,480 --> 00:49:38,600
Speaker 1: Seeing it and understanding it and knowing it's it's really

815
00:49:38,640 --> 00:49:40,760
Speaker 1: and this is where it dives into sports and yoga.

816
00:49:40,800 --> 00:49:44,239
Speaker 1: It's really knowing yourself and holding yourself accountable.

817
00:49:44,600 --> 00:49:46,200
Speaker 4: Yes, a one hundred percent.

818
00:49:46,360 --> 00:49:50,120
Speaker 1: That's the biggest thing for me in life is if

819
00:49:50,160 --> 00:49:53,680
Speaker 1: I don't hold myself accountable and if I in my failures,

820
00:49:53,760 --> 00:49:56,120
Speaker 1: I don't really.

821
00:49:57,239 --> 00:50:00,840
Speaker 2: Deep dive into it. Am I ever gonna make myself better?

822
00:50:00,960 --> 00:50:04,560
Speaker 1: Or am I going to constantly keep saying it's everyone else's.

823
00:50:04,160 --> 00:50:07,239
Speaker 2: Fault but my own? Yes, exactly, and that's it.

824
00:50:07,840 --> 00:50:08,080
Speaker 4: Yes.

825
00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:13,719
Speaker 2: Thank you so much for coming on this week. Thank

826
00:50:13,719 --> 00:50:14,560
Speaker 2: you for having me.

827
00:50:14,760 --> 00:50:19,200
Speaker 1: The work you do and the way you show up

828
00:50:19,200 --> 00:50:22,040
Speaker 1: in this space and the way you dedicate your life

829
00:50:22,080 --> 00:50:24,680
Speaker 1: to your craft, we are all better for it, and

830
00:50:24,719 --> 00:50:28,200
Speaker 1: we are all grateful. So thank you so much, and

831
00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:30,719
Speaker 1: for the listeners and anyone tuning in.

832
00:50:31,360 --> 00:50:32,239
Speaker 2: If you want to.

833
00:50:32,160 --> 00:50:36,200
Speaker 1: Dive further into Julian's work on love and self acceptance,

834
00:50:36,320 --> 00:50:39,040
Speaker 1: make sure you check out her book. It begins with you.

835
00:50:39,680 --> 00:50:43,480
Speaker 1: Thank you again for coming on Wide Open. I hope

836
00:50:43,480 --> 00:50:44,680
Speaker 1: our paths cross again.

837
00:50:45,200 --> 00:50:47,360
Speaker 3: I hope so too, And thank you so much for

838
00:50:47,400 --> 00:50:49,959
Speaker 3: having me. This was a lovely conversation and I'm sure

839
00:50:50,000 --> 00:50:51,320
Speaker 3: we our paths will cross.

840
00:50:51,440 --> 00:50:51,760
Speaker 2: Okay.

841
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:55,080
Speaker 1: Well, it's good to see you as always, and good

842
00:50:55,160 --> 00:50:57,760
Speaker 1: luck with the new book and all of our viewers

843
00:50:57,800 --> 00:50:59,480
Speaker 1: and listeners out there, go check it out.

844
00:51:00,120 --> 00:51:02,880
Speaker 2: It begins with you. Thank you so much. Thanks.

845
00:51:05,160 --> 00:51:09,120
Speaker 1: Wide Open with Ashlan Harris is an iHeart women's sports production.

846
00:51:09,680 --> 00:51:10,680
Speaker 2: You can find us on.

847
00:51:10,640 --> 00:51:15,160
Speaker 1: The iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

848
00:51:15,520 --> 00:51:21,520
Speaker 1: Our producers are Carmen Borca Correo, Emily Maronov, and Lucy Jones.

849
00:51:21,840 --> 00:51:28,160
Speaker 1: Production assistants from Malia Aguidello. Our executive producers are Jesse Katz,

850
00:51:28,480 --> 00:51:32,640
Speaker 1: Jenny Kaplan and Emily Rudder. Our editors are Jenny Kaplan

851
00:51:32,760 --> 00:51:36,280
Speaker 1: and Emily Rudder and I'm your host, Ashlan Harris